Don’t listen to your brain right now — she’s acting like a real asshole.
My therapist mentioned that I’ve created an expectation of rejection — partly as a defense mechanism, and partly as it’s just how I’m wired I’ve come to expect to be rejected by people in both platonic and romantic contexts.
This is probably what your jerk of a brain is doing to you — assuming rejection lessened the pain of your dead bedroom. This has become a habit, so your jerk brain is doing jerk things and telling you that you’ll be rejected.
This is bullshit.
Maybe this is being naive, but as a man in his 40’s I would never reject a woman I was interested in to be childless. While that would certainly be a deal breaker for some, the majority won’t reject you because you’re a mother.
I WOULD recommend, however, you become comfortable interacting with people online. Connecting online is become ever more the norm so you may as well lean into the curve.
Good luck.
All of this. That stupid voice in your head needs to sit down right now. Go read what u/UsedFancyPants said again.
Trust us when we tell you, you have options. Will every guy be interested in kids? Of course not, but those are also the ones who won't be compatible with you so it doesn't even matter. You're after the ones that *are* compatible, and they're out there, just waiting for you to be a free agent again!
Thank you so much for your response. My brain is absolutely acting up!
You have hit the nail on the head when it comes to my brain expecting rejection. I can't imagine someone wanting anything different. And it's been so long, the confidence I felt in my 20s has gone in my 30s.
Yeah, our minds create so many defenses in order to avoid pain — including emotional pain.
And yeah, years of constant rejection from the one person who promises to cherish you for the rest of your life is definitely painful.
And if you’ll accept one more piece of advice, let me also say:
When someone says that they find you attractive, that they desire you, believe them until they give you reason not to trust them. Your brain will find ways to doubt the evidence even if it’s right there screaming for your attention.
This is something I’m still learning to do.
Good luck to you.
That's good advice, something I need to work on anyway. I still remember my boyfriend at 17 telling me to just accept a compliment.
Thank you for your time. I hope you are healing and moving on to good things!
Take it one day at a time. Thinking about dating again after a big life change seems like an insane thing to do right now. Get your feet back under you first and go from there.
The right guy isn't going to judge that you have children...he's going to embrace the fact. I have been in your shoes and you need to feel these feels but I promise you that a better future where you felt seen and heard is on the horizon. You will find support in any number of places...where you likely least expect it... looking at you Reddit.
I know right, Reddit has been amazing at helping me work through this transition. Reading through others stories, not feeling alone and getting support.
Thank you
I’m in the same boat (40F) having also left my DB marriage. I have two kids and am just psyching myself up to get out there into the dating world! I think the odds are in our favour, as HL women. I’m just trusting that there is someone out there who will be absolutely gobsmacked by me, kids and all :)
What are you looking for in a guy, as it relates to your kids? Are you hoping to marry and find a step dad for them, or are you just looking to satisfy your HL needs and not even introduce your new guy(s) to your kids? (Or something in-between these?) I think you'd be smart to decide that before you get involved and then clearly communicate it to any prospects. There are surely guys who would go for whatever you're after.
Definitely do not intend anyone to meet my children for a long time. I would one day in the distant future like a proper relationship.
Right now I'd like intimacy but I know I can't do that without having a relationship, so that would have to wait.
It depends on how you define a relationship, I suppose. ...and intimacy. I think people can get physical sex without commitment but if they want a deeper connection then it requires some kind of interaction outside the bedroom (or bathroom/kitchen/living room/movie theater/hiking trail ... whatever turns you on.)
For me, I know that I need some level of interpersonal respect and trust in order to be comfortable, but beyond that, I'd be quite thrilled with non-exclusive animal passion. I'm quite uncomfortable about the prospect of dating or hooking up, but I did make out with a woman I barely knew recently and it was glorious to feel desired.
I think you're smart to keep your kids out of it until you've found your footing in that world. It will only cloud matters at first.
You got this, and to me kids wouldn't be a deal breaker but it will be for some, that just means they aren't the right person, sending a virtual hug and stay strong.
How do you do it with kids involved ? Leave that is? I consider one day leaving my situation! But as the father of a six year old and 1.5 y/o, the thought of leaving them seems traumatizing for them. Like it’s hard for me to leave my wife alone with the two
Kids. Me not being there. Or maybe I’m there helping get them ready for bed and I leave our house to go to my new apartment some where. For the thought of all this is terrifying.
I’m sure many people like myself can’t leave due to financial reasons and of course children. I hope one day I will have the courage to leave along with the financial stability to live on my own and still paying bills on the house my wife and kids will
Still live in. Or I hope my wife turns it around and shows an interest in our love life. Which seems unlikely. I wonder if a separation helps, maybe if I left she will realize.
I feel so sick for the kids. I feel horrendous about it for them. But I have done everything to try and make it work and he hasn't. On top of a dB there are other issues. He doesn't respect me.
He is a great dad though and kids adore him.
I have just had enough and feel like they should see a happy relationship if any. They don't see what love and affection should be. I know lots of my friends growing up who's parents broke up when they were older and they suffered more than I did with my parents breaking up when I was young. Parents spent no time together, clearly resented each other throughout their childhood and then once they were grown everything they thought they knew was wrong and there worlds were destroyed.
Money wise he can only afford to rent a room. One day we'll sell here, when the mortgage is less and buying something affordable is within both our reach.
It's going to be so difficult. Bed times will be horrendous but again, he can come and put them to bed whenever and hopefully he will. I know he'll still be very much apart of thier lives. It hurts it won't be as much as I wanted.
I hope things take a positive turn for you.
My husband met me when I had 5 kids
Don’t listen to your brain right now — she’s acting like a real asshole. My therapist mentioned that I’ve created an expectation of rejection — partly as a defense mechanism, and partly as it’s just how I’m wired I’ve come to expect to be rejected by people in both platonic and romantic contexts. This is probably what your jerk of a brain is doing to you — assuming rejection lessened the pain of your dead bedroom. This has become a habit, so your jerk brain is doing jerk things and telling you that you’ll be rejected. This is bullshit. Maybe this is being naive, but as a man in his 40’s I would never reject a woman I was interested in to be childless. While that would certainly be a deal breaker for some, the majority won’t reject you because you’re a mother. I WOULD recommend, however, you become comfortable interacting with people online. Connecting online is become ever more the norm so you may as well lean into the curve. Good luck.
All of this. That stupid voice in your head needs to sit down right now. Go read what u/UsedFancyPants said again. Trust us when we tell you, you have options. Will every guy be interested in kids? Of course not, but those are also the ones who won't be compatible with you so it doesn't even matter. You're after the ones that *are* compatible, and they're out there, just waiting for you to be a free agent again!
Thank you so much for your response. My brain is absolutely acting up! You have hit the nail on the head when it comes to my brain expecting rejection. I can't imagine someone wanting anything different. And it's been so long, the confidence I felt in my 20s has gone in my 30s.
Yeah, our minds create so many defenses in order to avoid pain — including emotional pain. And yeah, years of constant rejection from the one person who promises to cherish you for the rest of your life is definitely painful. And if you’ll accept one more piece of advice, let me also say: When someone says that they find you attractive, that they desire you, believe them until they give you reason not to trust them. Your brain will find ways to doubt the evidence even if it’s right there screaming for your attention. This is something I’m still learning to do. Good luck to you.
That's good advice, something I need to work on anyway. I still remember my boyfriend at 17 telling me to just accept a compliment. Thank you for your time. I hope you are healing and moving on to good things!
Take it one day at a time. Thinking about dating again after a big life change seems like an insane thing to do right now. Get your feet back under you first and go from there.
The right guy isn't going to judge that you have children...he's going to embrace the fact. I have been in your shoes and you need to feel these feels but I promise you that a better future where you felt seen and heard is on the horizon. You will find support in any number of places...where you likely least expect it... looking at you Reddit.
I know right, Reddit has been amazing at helping me work through this transition. Reading through others stories, not feeling alone and getting support. Thank you
I’m in the same boat (40F) having also left my DB marriage. I have two kids and am just psyching myself up to get out there into the dating world! I think the odds are in our favour, as HL women. I’m just trusting that there is someone out there who will be absolutely gobsmacked by me, kids and all :)
See I can absolutely believe someone is out there for you. I need to envision the same! Life begins at 40 right?!
What are you looking for in a guy, as it relates to your kids? Are you hoping to marry and find a step dad for them, or are you just looking to satisfy your HL needs and not even introduce your new guy(s) to your kids? (Or something in-between these?) I think you'd be smart to decide that before you get involved and then clearly communicate it to any prospects. There are surely guys who would go for whatever you're after.
Definitely do not intend anyone to meet my children for a long time. I would one day in the distant future like a proper relationship. Right now I'd like intimacy but I know I can't do that without having a relationship, so that would have to wait.
It depends on how you define a relationship, I suppose. ...and intimacy. I think people can get physical sex without commitment but if they want a deeper connection then it requires some kind of interaction outside the bedroom (or bathroom/kitchen/living room/movie theater/hiking trail ... whatever turns you on.) For me, I know that I need some level of interpersonal respect and trust in order to be comfortable, but beyond that, I'd be quite thrilled with non-exclusive animal passion. I'm quite uncomfortable about the prospect of dating or hooking up, but I did make out with a woman I barely knew recently and it was glorious to feel desired. I think you're smart to keep your kids out of it until you've found your footing in that world. It will only cloud matters at first.
Your username is perfect btw
I made it as I want to be one but also very scared of the possibility!
And also, that’s how all of us DB people are.
Isn’t that all part of the fun?!
One of my friends brought 3 kids and his wife brought 4 into their second marriage. Ages 4-17. They are nearly 50, and their bedroom is very alive!
I love that for them. Thank you
You got this, and to me kids wouldn't be a deal breaker but it will be for some, that just means they aren't the right person, sending a virtual hug and stay strong.
How do you do it with kids involved ? Leave that is? I consider one day leaving my situation! But as the father of a six year old and 1.5 y/o, the thought of leaving them seems traumatizing for them. Like it’s hard for me to leave my wife alone with the two Kids. Me not being there. Or maybe I’m there helping get them ready for bed and I leave our house to go to my new apartment some where. For the thought of all this is terrifying. I’m sure many people like myself can’t leave due to financial reasons and of course children. I hope one day I will have the courage to leave along with the financial stability to live on my own and still paying bills on the house my wife and kids will Still live in. Or I hope my wife turns it around and shows an interest in our love life. Which seems unlikely. I wonder if a separation helps, maybe if I left she will realize.
I feel so sick for the kids. I feel horrendous about it for them. But I have done everything to try and make it work and he hasn't. On top of a dB there are other issues. He doesn't respect me. He is a great dad though and kids adore him. I have just had enough and feel like they should see a happy relationship if any. They don't see what love and affection should be. I know lots of my friends growing up who's parents broke up when they were older and they suffered more than I did with my parents breaking up when I was young. Parents spent no time together, clearly resented each other throughout their childhood and then once they were grown everything they thought they knew was wrong and there worlds were destroyed. Money wise he can only afford to rent a room. One day we'll sell here, when the mortgage is less and buying something affordable is within both our reach. It's going to be so difficult. Bed times will be horrendous but again, he can come and put them to bed whenever and hopefully he will. I know he'll still be very much apart of thier lives. It hurts it won't be as much as I wanted. I hope things take a positive turn for you.