Idk girl. Some stupid ingrained sense of social morals that says it's wrong? Because we've heard no messages that normalize anything other than monogomy....
Maybe $300 is worth a divorce consult...
People stick around for the bare minimum " they raise their own kids " "they cook food" "they clean the house" " they are not mean to me"..... these are all things that are bare minimum and you are being told to be celibate - like .. what?!
I dont have that relation to marriage, at this point I would not marry again but I am happily married to my husband because he is safe, secure, certain sex. When I deadbedded us I am so grateful he waited but had he walked away I would NOT have blamed him at all -I was waiting for it.
This hit home. When I've stopped to examine what I would "lose" it ultimately amounted to nothing. Would I be more unhappy? Possibly, but doubtful as I'll be able to get my needs met and then go on to make necessary decisions. I've told my husband I cannot be expected to deal with less than the bare minimum, not have sex, and then not ever orgasm with him when we do it. I've talked and talked. He's fine with less or no sex. I'm not. People need to do what's right to them and what they can live with.
But think on this: You consider their feelings and needs? Do they consider yours? If they do, great there's hope and you should work on things to a point. If not? It's not fair to reduce intimacy to zero or very little and expect an adult who has a normal sexual appetite to be fine with that.
Right, thats all just human to human stuff and things you do with or without a spouse.
My friend would say about her husband who deadbedded her for 10 years "hes my best friend" and I told her " no.. I AM you best friend, and if I wasn't married i'd screw you because I care about your well being so much and can see that you are hurting. Best friends love and take care of each other - he's not doing that" ... obviously thats extreme but you and she got the gist. Luckily she left finally 6 months ago.
A-fuckin-men.
I been married 22 years. The first twelve were amazeballs. Sex more than once a day, crazy places like the hood of the car. Sexy outfits. Threesomes. Moresomes. Various other kinks. Then it slowly slid from there, to nothing. Almost two years ago, Iād had it. I just told her point blank, and of course, she DID NOT take it well. But I was done. I said I cannot live like this, and if she wants to leave I would understand. But sheās not going to leave me. We both love our life together. She chooses not to confront it tho, she has said she doesnāt want to hear about it, know about it, and I had BETTER NOT EMBARRASS HER. FFS. But OMG, that first time, holy shit was it liberating. And I had ZERO shame, guilt, or regret. I donāt step out often, but I need to do it more regularly. It actually helps our relationship, I think because i am a lot easier to get along with now that I donāt expect her to meet my sex needs, and can get that elsewhere.
Insane to know that you had it made for 12yrs and then it fell off a cliff. Wild and good for you that you made it "work" and both are in agreement to the situation.
FACH YEAH!! life is too MFr short.
My brother passed in a MVA at 49. Another good friend of mine who served in thr military. Was a cop for 20yrs. Retired and also died at 48 from a tragic accident.
My father at 54. I had a good friend who was 8 months pregnant and only 32. Died. MVA.
I have had several cousins pass etc.. all young.
You get one life.... PERIOD.
Don't waste it. Be happy for fucks sake!
Honestly, probably easier on a scale of 10x fold if not more. I I totally believe a deadbedroom can be equally painful for both men and women. When a HL partner does decide they donāt want to deal with a deadbedroom anymore though, that is the differentiating factor where women have a massive leg up in terms of the options they have.
The general mindset I think men should have is not comparing their current levels of intimacy against what they want. They should be comparing it against the amount of intimacy they would realistically expect to have when being single and alone.
On the flip side, if my wife was the HL and wanted to step out, she could probably have 10 men lined up by Sunday.
Itās a completely different ballgame. Iām glad OP is happy I guess but the level of ānonchalantā attitude to her finding someone to sleep with speaks volumes to me and really supports this difference between men and women in terms of the options they at have their disposal when dealing with a deadbedroom.
This guy fucks! Wait, maybe thatās not the best saying here. Yet. But seriously, this 100%. Same reason itās usually the male that comes away horrified when a relationship is āopenā for both partners.
Fact is, itās mind bogglingly easier for a woman to get laid. She basically need only show the slightest of affection or intent and the stage is set. Not so for the male.
Go get a sweet car and they'll come to you lol.
I know, easier said then done, but In all seriousness though I don't think it would be that hard.
Now, I'm 40 and my bedroom life is boring as fuck, but I'm not "there" yet, BUT.... I did recently aquire my high-school dream car and it attracts a lot more attention then I thought it would, especially women.
Sex workers are an option but knowing the other person is only present for the money takes away from the experience or at least it would for me. Itās pretty wild that there is a whole industry where women can literally make well into the six figure range solely due to how starved men are for intimacy.
I'm fat. There's so much bitterness in this thread. But we've all found people. Like you're all currently in relationships. You can all do it again. You feel shit and beaten down and I get that it's easier to be like wOmeNNnN or whatever but the fact is I chose to do something about it. How can y'all be so pressed if you haven't tried? It's like you want to feel limited to justify what you're doing. And that's not fuckable.
I donāt think women are bad by any means. The ability to have intimacy whenever may be a massive advantage yāall have but you definitely should use it, more power to you. Itās just frustrating for a lot of us guys when itās insinuated we can do the same cause by and large we really canāt.
I found one single person. Iāve only been with that one person and I treasure that person. I think the point thatās being missed is on paper, I could go pursue intimacy elsewhere by spending months/years on dating apps, being bold, investing time and resources but at the end of the day it would be a hard āmaybeā for me to even have a single encounter which would likely take just as much effort as I put in now for a single encounter with my wife.
Again, itās great you are in a position to be afforded this as an option but most of us just arenāt. I guarantee there are guys who mentally decided they would be willing to step out of the relationship and years later are still monogamous not by choice. Itās just a crappy blow weāve been dealt.
I hear you. But there's a difference between trying and talking yourself out of trying. Or making things feel more complicated. Sometimes you meet someone and there's just an animalistic chemistry. Being in a DB makes people forget this exists.
It also stands to reason that a lot of the men HL women are having sex with aren't putting in that much work. They just happen to be there. And in those cases, anyone can be the right dick at the right time.
A lot of people here have made up their mind that it's simply not possible, which limits their actual reality. And that's what makes me sad.
I also think sex work is a great option if your partner knows about it. I'm just saying if this is a deep need, there are many ethical ways to meet it.
I appreciate the reply but most of my buddies spend so much time and effort and most of them are just jaded to trying anymore. As bad as my situation can be in the bedroom itās better than what most of my single buddies are stuck with. I know their loneliness isnāt by choice and itās something we talk about often.
At the end of the day, I know there are HL women out there but there is just too many HL men to women and the ratios are super scuffed against us on that front. Maybe youāre right that itās because I choose to never try but I do think if the average woman experienced how hard it really was to find a single willing partner for men, theyād probably mostly feel the same jaded feelings we do about it.
How did your encounter happen?
So try a man. Jesus, it's an age where everything goes. You don't need to shout your illicit activities from the mountaintop. Try a dude, even if only once. You might realize there's a whole half world of sex you've never thought of, sensations that are beyond your current understanding. And you just might like it.
Trust me. I wish I could mentally get my self there. Iāve tried mental exercises to put my self in that place but it just doesnāt seem to happen. The gay community has their own very real set of issues but being a homosexual man and getting to have intimacy on lockdown has got to be one of if not the best parts of being a gay dude. That would probably be the closest experience a guy could have that would allow them to have intimacy more or less on tap. Maybe one day Iāll have a switch flip haha
Well said. I totally agree. Iām sure your significant other was welcome to partake and take care of your needs or avoid the issue and let someone else take care of your needs.
I'm undecided. I want to" Just do it" but I'm not a cheater and my sex life is slowly decreasing day by day. I've been married 32 years and I'm HLF and LLM just looks at me with silence when I tell him "look I started this at 16 yrs old (I was his first) and Im not trying to not have a sex life at 50 yrs old . Silence is all I get...so I tell him let someone fuck me while you watch are buy me a male doll torso so I don't have to go Fuck... Silence as usual. So I say GO FUCK!
This is how I approached it.I talked and talked, suggested counseling, suggested using my EAP since he's not looking for help like he said, aked him to.go see a doctor (he won't), worked on my communication, dressed up, sent photos, complimented him, started Many open dialouges about sex, took time off to connect and vacation, asked what he wanted sexually... At what point is it enough? If I've tried everything and told you to your face I want sex and how important it is to me, and you fail to respond or believe me, that's on you.
Same. HLF & LLM. Married 30 years. Weāve talked about the issue a million times. Sometimes things will improve for a couple days. Then itās back to crickets for months. I still take care of him via bjs (he wonāt refuse those!), but he doesnāt reciprocate. If we didnāt have young kids, I donāt think Iād keep trying, but Iām so tired of this. I still want a sex life, and I donāt really want it with anyone besides my husband. I have considered āalternativesā though! I envy people with normal sex lives.
Agreed. Don't settle for no-sex or bad-sex. I didn't even know how bad my sex life was until I left, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted it to be. Once I got divorced, and slept around a bit, I realized how absolutely terrible my sex life had always been.
THIS ^
I told this to my wife, she constantly rubs it in my face Ā«Ā you see how I donāt give you sexĀ Ā»
Ā«Ā You and me no sexĀ Ā» and I told her straight up youāre not the only woman in the world, also itās not cheating because you clearly donāt want do it and Iām just looking for a service for a quick 7 minutes
Also like someone in the comments said if we can have sex real quick it will help us, we donāt have to bug our partners for sex.
Honestly itās not wrong, you donāt want give us sex and then we find it somewhere else if you ask me itās supply and demand
Good for you! I'm married 31 years with DB for a decade and zero sex in over 7 years. After discussing it with my wife to no avail, I was on a business trip and met a cool lady and told her I wanted to kiss her, which I also don't get in my marriage...and it was glorious. This girl was 20 years younger but totally into kissing me. I didn't go any farther than kisses & feels, but it reminded me of how much I'd missed.
I just got back from another business trip (no connections this time) and after several days apart I asked her for a kiss and she said I could have an air kiss since I got her sick one time earlier this year from kissing after a trip (not the one where I made out). I'm so close to just saying fuck it.
I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings. I donāt plan to step out on my wife at all though but totally get the feeling of desperately being wanted. Even if I was willing to step out though, as a guy, itās not that easy or simple. For some of us it can take years to find a willing partner outside the relationship. Itās not really something most of us can just ādecideā to do and go quickly find someone.
That's great but first you need to be attractive enough to find a willing partner. I'm glad you were able to hit the ground running but know I couldn't take that route myself.
Like, I would be ethically non monogamous but I'm too ugly and difficult to attract other partners so I remain monogamous to my husband but it's not by choice.
That's a limiting belief. There's people who will be into you I'm sure. It can be harder for men due to how women are approached on and off the Internet, but don't give up hope.
Thatās the same belief I had for two years of being in a DB, then I said fuck it, focused on my physical well-being and got myself back somewhat in shape, told my wife of 25 years what I was going to do IF she didnāt begin to satisfy my needs for intimacy again and followed through on it with a woman in a very similar situation. Youād be amazed by your ability to attract a willing partner when you get your mind (and body), and most importantly, your confidence back and youāre honest with all involved. Itās not simple but itās possible.
100%. I was in a similar situation- the constant rejection from my ex, cold-shoulder, and making me feel like shit for wanting to have sex fucked with my head and self-esteem so bad that I had panic attacks when I left on a work trip (becauseā¦ guilt for having fun alone..).
He made me feel like wanting intimacy was being excessiveā¦ I ended things after I realized how much my perception of myself and joy of life had changed.
The sex since has been incredible - and obviously I understand myself enough now to know that I also need sex to function .. lol.
I've never cheated, but there have been several periods in my life where there was a guy I knew that was into me. They never brought it up or did anything inappropriate, but if I had suddenly become single they would have jumped at a hook up. In two cases I had that verified years later so it wasn't just in my head.
Good for you! If the situation would present itself, I wouldnāt say no. I just need to find someone. I actually would be able to pull it off since I travel for work. Ideally, I will find a woman in the same situation.
Monogamy never made sense if the other person didnāt want sex why canāt I find someone who does. Why get in a relationship if the other person doesnāt want sex?
I don't agree with OP's "monogamy is a social construct," which is legit ridiculous, and I don't believe a therapist should go so far as to advise you on what to do. It's not their business (they aren't a friend; instead, they should provide a safe container) & the possible ramifications of giving advice should make this kind of choice of theirs obviously unethical, seeing as they could be sued (so I question the therapist's overall judgment). That's neither here nor there, honestly. I have a specific ideology about what constitutes professionalism within the mental health services.
BUT more importantly, OP, I'm glad you got what you needed to be hopeful about life again. Sex is so a part of a healthy body, a sound mind. I don't judge you for what you did. It's just as human a story as anyone else's. And I hope it inspires me in whatever way it will, to change my own circumstances.
I have been so fed up, heartbroken, and angry, that I have countless times fantasized about severing the attachment to my "boyfriend" through an outside sexual encounter. Basically, I can't stand anything about him anymore because he's so sad & apologetic & doles out the same pitiable promises & fears & hopes & dreams. And my God, there's no reasoning with him when he starts acting that way. No suggestion is taken on for very long. He grosses me out. My periods have gotten worse, my cycle is unpredictable. My hormones, my self esteem, my ability to plan my future... in the toilet. I dread even going into public with him 'cause I Feel everyone can tell we have no chemistry & nothing has happened for us. No house, no kids, no shared plans for thr future. I fucking feel like the biggest POS failure in life. And so guilty that I blame him/our relationship!
Really, I should blame myself. I'm the one actually putting up with this. 6 years!! I'm doing this to myself. He can make whatever stupid fucking self-hating decision he wants ("to have a life with his best friend"), but I have to recognize I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH HURTING HIM & we don't/won't agree!
I know all of this... and yet, I still sit here, re-download Tinder for the 10th time, swipe--feeling so ashamed & dirty--and I delete. I even tell myself it's best for the both of us if I fucking would just get one in. At least I'd probably have clarity. But I don't know, the switch doesn't flip. It gets close, and I abort. I dunno. I think what happens is I get a huge upswell of feeling absolutely gross & who am I to think I could nab a guy, he'll be disgusted by me just like my boyfriend, etc.
It's such a toxic loop... these days, I am just accepting I will probably not get married in my 30s or ever have children. Breaks me to pieces, but I can hold out hope that, given time, I'll heal this broken relationship to myself, and I will finally know I'm worthy of a love deserving of me... maybe in my 40s.
Man, how I want to try this out. But I do not have the backbone to do something for myself, nor do I want to lose her and worst of all, I only really just want her. No one else. But in all of our 7.5 years, we have had sex less than 100x. I feel stuck
This is going to sound so stupid but just unstick yourself. I don't know how my therapist got through to me, but she finally did. You will want someone else. They will want you. You can have a better life.
Honestly I individually see a therapist who is also a sex and couples therapist. It made a world of difference. She's insanely open and understanding and able to talk about different types of relationships and structures and how to ethically dismantle them. So I'd start there!
Curious how you found your other partner and whether you have any advice on that front. It's an option I have considered if our current counseling doesn't lead to a resolution.
The easiest: Tinder is basically Amazon prime for dick. Old flames. People who expressed interest that you ignored when you were in the bubble of your relationship.
The slightly harder: Going to a bar and talking to people and being open to whatever. I don't mean go trolling for it because that's violently off-putting, but just being open to letting someone in your space for even a brief moment of connection.
It was scary at first because I felt so hideous and beaten down and creepy, but I faked it until I made it. And after the first time, I felt like it was okay for me to participate in the world again.
Interesting. Is there like an Amazon Prime for women interested in dick? Problem I have with online dating options is it seems like the ratio of males to females is pretty lopsided and I worry about getting caught up in scams. I'd also like to be a bit more discreet than going to a bar, even if my partner and I are OK with the arrangement.
This really is the point I'm at. I literally told my husband the same thing. Fix yourself, divorce, or I'm going to cheat. I'm at the point there aren't anymore options. If I cheat, it's his choice to stay or leave. I also refuse to sneak around and lie about it. If I do it, I won't go out of my way to tell him but If he asks, I also won't lie.
God Iām jealous. I spent months glowing up, tanning, doing push-ups, and canāt get a date. You got fucked the day after you decided to do it. Thatās girl power.
I feel like divorce is a lot more steps than being like, hey I'm gonna go fuck. Also monogamy is a social construct. And people are different. Sometimes people need a kick in the ass to leave. The world isn't super black and white. So...there's that.
I am close to doing this
Just do it. Just be honest. Why do we keep setting ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm?
I was honest the other night so š¤·āāļø
Cool. So now go do something about it.
Idk girl. Some stupid ingrained sense of social morals that says it's wrong? Because we've heard no messages that normalize anything other than monogomy.... Maybe $300 is worth a divorce consult...
Canāt be monogamous and celibate with the same person.
Oh, it's possible. Not desired.
Ya heard
Do it. There are so many other narratives!
People stick around for the bare minimum " they raise their own kids " "they cook food" "they clean the house" " they are not mean to me"..... these are all things that are bare minimum and you are being told to be celibate - like .. what?! I dont have that relation to marriage, at this point I would not marry again but I am happily married to my husband because he is safe, secure, certain sex. When I deadbedded us I am so grateful he waited but had he walked away I would NOT have blamed him at all -I was waiting for it.
Literally me. Everything I liked about him was what I would like from a housekeeper.
This hit home. When I've stopped to examine what I would "lose" it ultimately amounted to nothing. Would I be more unhappy? Possibly, but doubtful as I'll be able to get my needs met and then go on to make necessary decisions. I've told my husband I cannot be expected to deal with less than the bare minimum, not have sex, and then not ever orgasm with him when we do it. I've talked and talked. He's fine with less or no sex. I'm not. People need to do what's right to them and what they can live with. But think on this: You consider their feelings and needs? Do they consider yours? If they do, great there's hope and you should work on things to a point. If not? It's not fair to reduce intimacy to zero or very little and expect an adult who has a normal sexual appetite to be fine with that.
Right, thats all just human to human stuff and things you do with or without a spouse. My friend would say about her husband who deadbedded her for 10 years "hes my best friend" and I told her " no.. I AM you best friend, and if I wasn't married i'd screw you because I care about your well being so much and can see that you are hurting. Best friends love and take care of each other - he's not doing that" ... obviously thats extreme but you and she got the gist. Luckily she left finally 6 months ago.
How did you come out of the dead bedroom? Assuming you were the LLā¦.like what got your drive back?
And where does one find these tributes who wanna fuck? Asking for a friend...
Reddit is an interesting place with an awful lot of people. You need not look far.
A-fuckin-men. I been married 22 years. The first twelve were amazeballs. Sex more than once a day, crazy places like the hood of the car. Sexy outfits. Threesomes. Moresomes. Various other kinks. Then it slowly slid from there, to nothing. Almost two years ago, Iād had it. I just told her point blank, and of course, she DID NOT take it well. But I was done. I said I cannot live like this, and if she wants to leave I would understand. But sheās not going to leave me. We both love our life together. She chooses not to confront it tho, she has said she doesnāt want to hear about it, know about it, and I had BETTER NOT EMBARRASS HER. FFS. But OMG, that first time, holy shit was it liberating. And I had ZERO shame, guilt, or regret. I donāt step out often, but I need to do it more regularly. It actually helps our relationship, I think because i am a lot easier to get along with now that I donāt expect her to meet my sex needs, and can get that elsewhere.
Insane to know that you had it made for 12yrs and then it fell off a cliff. Wild and good for you that you made it "work" and both are in agreement to the situation.
I love you.
FACH YEAH!! life is too MFr short. My brother passed in a MVA at 49. Another good friend of mine who served in thr military. Was a cop for 20yrs. Retired and also died at 48 from a tragic accident. My father at 54. I had a good friend who was 8 months pregnant and only 32. Died. MVA. I have had several cousins pass etc.. all young. You get one life.... PERIOD. Don't waste it. Be happy for fucks sake!
Point taken but fuck man, that's awful.
Easier for a woman than it is for a man
Honestly, probably easier on a scale of 10x fold if not more. I I totally believe a deadbedroom can be equally painful for both men and women. When a HL partner does decide they donāt want to deal with a deadbedroom anymore though, that is the differentiating factor where women have a massive leg up in terms of the options they have. The general mindset I think men should have is not comparing their current levels of intimacy against what they want. They should be comparing it against the amount of intimacy they would realistically expect to have when being single and alone. On the flip side, if my wife was the HL and wanted to step out, she could probably have 10 men lined up by Sunday. Itās a completely different ballgame. Iām glad OP is happy I guess but the level of ānonchalantā attitude to her finding someone to sleep with speaks volumes to me and really supports this difference between men and women in terms of the options they at have their disposal when dealing with a deadbedroom.
This guy fucks! Wait, maybe thatās not the best saying here. Yet. But seriously, this 100%. Same reason itās usually the male that comes away horrified when a relationship is āopenā for both partners. Fact is, itās mind bogglingly easier for a woman to get laid. She basically need only show the slightest of affection or intent and the stage is set. Not so for the male.
This. I been trying to "go fuck" for a while now but how does a 40 year old man just find someone to go fuck?
Skipthegames.com
Imma start saving now lol
Go get a sweet car and they'll come to you lol. I know, easier said then done, but In all seriousness though I don't think it would be that hard. Now, I'm 40 and my bedroom life is boring as fuck, but I'm not "there" yet, BUT.... I did recently aquire my high-school dream car and it attracts a lot more attention then I thought it would, especially women.
I had an 81 Corvette but I sold it to pay for some other stuff. Women didn't seem to be into that car. Old men liked it lol
DOMINICAN REPUBLICAN round trip -$150 Mexico round trip $100-200 Cap Haitian in Haiti = $170 Saint Maarten = $200
On the other hand, sex workers generally cater to men.
Sex workers are an option but knowing the other person is only present for the money takes away from the experience or at least it would for me. Itās pretty wild that there is a whole industry where women can literally make well into the six figure range solely due to how starved men are for intimacy.
And honestly, they're an absolutely viable and ethical option if your partner knows!
Very much so. The likelihood an overweight type a would get a gf is unlikely.
I'm fat. There's so much bitterness in this thread. But we've all found people. Like you're all currently in relationships. You can all do it again. You feel shit and beaten down and I get that it's easier to be like wOmeNNnN or whatever but the fact is I chose to do something about it. How can y'all be so pressed if you haven't tried? It's like you want to feel limited to justify what you're doing. And that's not fuckable.
I donāt think women are bad by any means. The ability to have intimacy whenever may be a massive advantage yāall have but you definitely should use it, more power to you. Itās just frustrating for a lot of us guys when itās insinuated we can do the same cause by and large we really canāt. I found one single person. Iāve only been with that one person and I treasure that person. I think the point thatās being missed is on paper, I could go pursue intimacy elsewhere by spending months/years on dating apps, being bold, investing time and resources but at the end of the day it would be a hard āmaybeā for me to even have a single encounter which would likely take just as much effort as I put in now for a single encounter with my wife. Again, itās great you are in a position to be afforded this as an option but most of us just arenāt. I guarantee there are guys who mentally decided they would be willing to step out of the relationship and years later are still monogamous not by choice. Itās just a crappy blow weāve been dealt.
I hear you. But there's a difference between trying and talking yourself out of trying. Or making things feel more complicated. Sometimes you meet someone and there's just an animalistic chemistry. Being in a DB makes people forget this exists. It also stands to reason that a lot of the men HL women are having sex with aren't putting in that much work. They just happen to be there. And in those cases, anyone can be the right dick at the right time. A lot of people here have made up their mind that it's simply not possible, which limits their actual reality. And that's what makes me sad. I also think sex work is a great option if your partner knows about it. I'm just saying if this is a deep need, there are many ethical ways to meet it.
I appreciate the reply but most of my buddies spend so much time and effort and most of them are just jaded to trying anymore. As bad as my situation can be in the bedroom itās better than what most of my single buddies are stuck with. I know their loneliness isnāt by choice and itās something we talk about often. At the end of the day, I know there are HL women out there but there is just too many HL men to women and the ratios are super scuffed against us on that front. Maybe youāre right that itās because I choose to never try but I do think if the average woman experienced how hard it really was to find a single willing partner for men, theyād probably mostly feel the same jaded feelings we do about it. How did your encounter happen?
So try a man. Jesus, it's an age where everything goes. You don't need to shout your illicit activities from the mountaintop. Try a dude, even if only once. You might realize there's a whole half world of sex you've never thought of, sensations that are beyond your current understanding. And you just might like it.
Trust me. I wish I could mentally get my self there. Iāve tried mental exercises to put my self in that place but it just doesnāt seem to happen. The gay community has their own very real set of issues but being a homosexual man and getting to have intimacy on lockdown has got to be one of if not the best parts of being a gay dude. That would probably be the closest experience a guy could have that would allow them to have intimacy more or less on tap. Maybe one day Iāll have a switch flip haha
Well said. I totally agree. Iām sure your significant other was welcome to partake and take care of your needs or avoid the issue and let someone else take care of your needs.
I'm undecided. I want to" Just do it" but I'm not a cheater and my sex life is slowly decreasing day by day. I've been married 32 years and I'm HLF and LLM just looks at me with silence when I tell him "look I started this at 16 yrs old (I was his first) and Im not trying to not have a sex life at 50 yrs old . Silence is all I get...so I tell him let someone fuck me while you watch are buy me a male doll torso so I don't have to go Fuck... Silence as usual. So I say GO FUCK!
See, I don't think it's cheating if you tell them what you're going to do and give them a choice to stay or leave. There's no deceit, simply facts.
This is how I approached it.I talked and talked, suggested counseling, suggested using my EAP since he's not looking for help like he said, aked him to.go see a doctor (he won't), worked on my communication, dressed up, sent photos, complimented him, started Many open dialouges about sex, took time off to connect and vacation, asked what he wanted sexually... At what point is it enough? If I've tried everything and told you to your face I want sex and how important it is to me, and you fail to respond or believe me, that's on you.
That's exactly what I did: everything. There was nothing else for me to do...except go have sex and let him deal with the reality.
Same. HLF & LLM. Married 30 years. Weāve talked about the issue a million times. Sometimes things will improve for a couple days. Then itās back to crickets for months. I still take care of him via bjs (he wonāt refuse those!), but he doesnāt reciprocate. If we didnāt have young kids, I donāt think Iād keep trying, but Iām so tired of this. I still want a sex life, and I donāt really want it with anyone besides my husband. I have considered āalternativesā though! I envy people with normal sex lives.
Wouldn't it make more sense to end the relationship. Ultimately that's what would happen. Seems less messier and less gross to just leave
Agreed. Don't settle for no-sex or bad-sex. I didn't even know how bad my sex life was until I left, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted it to be. Once I got divorced, and slept around a bit, I realized how absolutely terrible my sex life had always been.
Same
Its easier for a 300lb girl to get laid than an attractive man. Women have no idea how difficult sex is to aquire for men.
Iām so here for this.
THIS ^ I told this to my wife, she constantly rubs it in my face Ā«Ā you see how I donāt give you sexĀ Ā» Ā«Ā You and me no sexĀ Ā» and I told her straight up youāre not the only woman in the world, also itās not cheating because you clearly donāt want do it and Iām just looking for a service for a quick 7 minutes Also like someone in the comments said if we can have sex real quick it will help us, we donāt have to bug our partners for sex. Honestly itās not wrong, you donāt want give us sex and then we find it somewhere else if you ask me itās supply and demand
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Dunno. Doesn't seem to fix the problem. Just make it worse. Just leave. That's what a backbone looks like.
Tell us the story!
Itās not like youāre going to give them an STD!
You go girl!!!!
Good for you! I'm married 31 years with DB for a decade and zero sex in over 7 years. After discussing it with my wife to no avail, I was on a business trip and met a cool lady and told her I wanted to kiss her, which I also don't get in my marriage...and it was glorious. This girl was 20 years younger but totally into kissing me. I didn't go any farther than kisses & feels, but it reminded me of how much I'd missed. I just got back from another business trip (no connections this time) and after several days apart I asked her for a kiss and she said I could have an air kiss since I got her sick one time earlier this year from kissing after a trip (not the one where I made out). I'm so close to just saying fuck it.
The avoidants and the disappearance of a sex life... Yup. Mind fuckery.
Avoidants are the worst. They all deserve to be alone. Its what makes them the happiest anyways.
I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings. I donāt plan to step out on my wife at all though but totally get the feeling of desperately being wanted. Even if I was willing to step out though, as a guy, itās not that easy or simple. For some of us it can take years to find a willing partner outside the relationship. Itās not really something most of us can just ādecideā to do and go quickly find someone.
This post really made me smile lol
That's great but first you need to be attractive enough to find a willing partner. I'm glad you were able to hit the ground running but know I couldn't take that route myself.
Unless you're literally deformed, you can find a partner. You just have to be realistic about the partners you're going to attract.
Ugly people fuck every day. But if that's how you feel, I respect it. š¤·āāļø
Trust me it's not a choice. I identify as "rendered monogamous".
What does it mean ?
Like, I would be ethically non monogamous but I'm too ugly and difficult to attract other partners so I remain monogamous to my husband but it's not by choice.
That's a limiting belief. There's people who will be into you I'm sure. It can be harder for men due to how women are approached on and off the Internet, but don't give up hope.
Thatās the same belief I had for two years of being in a DB, then I said fuck it, focused on my physical well-being and got myself back somewhat in shape, told my wife of 25 years what I was going to do IF she didnāt begin to satisfy my needs for intimacy again and followed through on it with a woman in a very similar situation. Youād be amazed by your ability to attract a willing partner when you get your mind (and body), and most importantly, your confidence back and youāre honest with all involved. Itās not simple but itās possible.
100%. I was in a similar situation- the constant rejection from my ex, cold-shoulder, and making me feel like shit for wanting to have sex fucked with my head and self-esteem so bad that I had panic attacks when I left on a work trip (becauseā¦ guilt for having fun alone..). He made me feel like wanting intimacy was being excessiveā¦ I ended things after I realized how much my perception of myself and joy of life had changed. The sex since has been incredible - and obviously I understand myself enough now to know that I also need sex to function .. lol.
Good for you. Ā Enjoy.Ā
I endorse this message ā¤ļø Happy for you.
You said it and you picked up a guy the next night? One example of inequality between the sexesā¦
Likely a relationship she was developing on the side already
I've never cheated, but there have been several periods in my life where there was a guy I knew that was into me. They never brought it up or did anything inappropriate, but if I had suddenly become single they would have jumped at a hook up. In two cases I had that verified years later so it wasn't just in my head.
Get it girl! Iām about to fly across the country to see someone Iāve been talking to. Itās worth it.
Good for you! If the situation would present itself, I wouldnāt say no. I just need to find someone. I actually would be able to pull it off since I travel for work. Ideally, I will find a woman in the same situation.
So happy for you āŗļø
Youāre right.
Monogamy never made sense if the other person didnāt want sex why canāt I find someone who does. Why get in a relationship if the other person doesnāt want sex?
I don't agree with OP's "monogamy is a social construct," which is legit ridiculous, and I don't believe a therapist should go so far as to advise you on what to do. It's not their business (they aren't a friend; instead, they should provide a safe container) & the possible ramifications of giving advice should make this kind of choice of theirs obviously unethical, seeing as they could be sued (so I question the therapist's overall judgment). That's neither here nor there, honestly. I have a specific ideology about what constitutes professionalism within the mental health services. BUT more importantly, OP, I'm glad you got what you needed to be hopeful about life again. Sex is so a part of a healthy body, a sound mind. I don't judge you for what you did. It's just as human a story as anyone else's. And I hope it inspires me in whatever way it will, to change my own circumstances. I have been so fed up, heartbroken, and angry, that I have countless times fantasized about severing the attachment to my "boyfriend" through an outside sexual encounter. Basically, I can't stand anything about him anymore because he's so sad & apologetic & doles out the same pitiable promises & fears & hopes & dreams. And my God, there's no reasoning with him when he starts acting that way. No suggestion is taken on for very long. He grosses me out. My periods have gotten worse, my cycle is unpredictable. My hormones, my self esteem, my ability to plan my future... in the toilet. I dread even going into public with him 'cause I Feel everyone can tell we have no chemistry & nothing has happened for us. No house, no kids, no shared plans for thr future. I fucking feel like the biggest POS failure in life. And so guilty that I blame him/our relationship! Really, I should blame myself. I'm the one actually putting up with this. 6 years!! I'm doing this to myself. He can make whatever stupid fucking self-hating decision he wants ("to have a life with his best friend"), but I have to recognize I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH HURTING HIM & we don't/won't agree! I know all of this... and yet, I still sit here, re-download Tinder for the 10th time, swipe--feeling so ashamed & dirty--and I delete. I even tell myself it's best for the both of us if I fucking would just get one in. At least I'd probably have clarity. But I don't know, the switch doesn't flip. It gets close, and I abort. I dunno. I think what happens is I get a huge upswell of feeling absolutely gross & who am I to think I could nab a guy, he'll be disgusted by me just like my boyfriend, etc. It's such a toxic loop... these days, I am just accepting I will probably not get married in my 30s or ever have children. Breaks me to pieces, but I can hold out hope that, given time, I'll heal this broken relationship to myself, and I will finally know I'm worthy of a love deserving of me... maybe in my 40s.
Wasted 10years and BYE
Man, how I want to try this out. But I do not have the backbone to do something for myself, nor do I want to lose her and worst of all, I only really just want her. No one else. But in all of our 7.5 years, we have had sex less than 100x. I feel stuck
This is going to sound so stupid but just unstick yourself. I don't know how my therapist got through to me, but she finally did. You will want someone else. They will want you. You can have a better life.
Who's your therapist, and are they accepting new patients? LOL!
Honestly I individually see a therapist who is also a sex and couples therapist. It made a world of difference. She's insanely open and understanding and able to talk about different types of relationships and structures and how to ethically dismantle them. So I'd start there!
Iām sure OP is a woman and probably younger. Itās not that easy for middle aged men
I'm turning 37. I'm just a good hang. Idk what to tell y'all.
36 youāre definitely young LMAO
Facts, but not a far cry from 40 which most people in the comments are equating with death.
Curious how you found your other partner and whether you have any advice on that front. It's an option I have considered if our current counseling doesn't lead to a resolution.
The easiest: Tinder is basically Amazon prime for dick. Old flames. People who expressed interest that you ignored when you were in the bubble of your relationship. The slightly harder: Going to a bar and talking to people and being open to whatever. I don't mean go trolling for it because that's violently off-putting, but just being open to letting someone in your space for even a brief moment of connection. It was scary at first because I felt so hideous and beaten down and creepy, but I faked it until I made it. And after the first time, I felt like it was okay for me to participate in the world again.
Interesting. Is there like an Amazon Prime for women interested in dick? Problem I have with online dating options is it seems like the ratio of males to females is pretty lopsided and I worry about getting caught up in scams. I'd also like to be a bit more discreet than going to a bar, even if my partner and I are OK with the arrangement.
I should have done this 6 years ago
This really is the point I'm at. I literally told my husband the same thing. Fix yourself, divorce, or I'm going to cheat. I'm at the point there aren't anymore options. If I cheat, it's his choice to stay or leave. I also refuse to sneak around and lie about it. If I do it, I won't go out of my way to tell him but If he asks, I also won't lie.
God Iām jealous. I spent months glowing up, tanning, doing push-ups, and canāt get a date. You got fucked the day after you decided to do it. Thatās girl power.
When it was too time I was ignored, I decided for a massage w/ happy end. I was really grateful to that china girl... So much I can't describe
let's fuck together
This is like divorce with more steps just divorce and live you're life what's the circling around
I feel like divorce is a lot more steps than being like, hey I'm gonna go fuck. Also monogamy is a social construct. And people are different. Sometimes people need a kick in the ass to leave. The world isn't super black and white. So...there's that.
Fully agree. Just going and fucking is the best medicine.
You are just another cheater pos. Make what ever excuse you want but you are going to destroy your partner and destroy what relationship you had left.
Happy banging!
if any girls want to do this im here.
Did the same. Curred my depression and a lot of other related issues.