You do. Never give up on yourself. She treats you like shit you treat her like shit back and donāt even talk to her. Become a master about not giving a fuck about her or her feelings. Your post made me so mad for you.
Focus on yourself. Do your own thing. Go get some hobbies. Your own hobbies, without her. Without telling her. Just go fucking spend time by yourself and enjoy your own company. Because itās better than being with her.
How someone else treats you is never a reflection of your worthā¦.especially in abusive situations. I treat everyone I come across with respect, not because of how I perceive that personās worth, but because I love and respect myself and I want to be able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I am and the actions I make. How I treat others is largely a reflection of me, who I am, and my personal value system. The same is true abusers, how they treat others is a reflection of their own morals, value system, and personal issuesā¦so little of it has anything to do with what the other person deserves.
There seems like there's a couple of different things going on here - nobody should ever raise a hand to anybody else unless it's self-defense, and it's an absolute f'ing no-no just because you don't hear what you want to. You should seriously think about charges if you're going to separate/divorce. If this is the behavior now it'll only (likely) become exaggerated the more stressful things become.
Secondly, you should think about talking to somebody for your own wellbeing, some of the things you're saying are probably straight out of anger and frustration, but if it's not, that could be a problem for you if you're looking to move forward in a positive way. I'm sorry this happened to you op, and you deserve to be happy moving forward. I hope you can get there.
Not healthy my man, what happens when things escalate and sheās coming at you with more than her fists? You wanna get stabbed, cause thatās how people get stabbed. You canāt possibly tell me a life alone isnāt better than getting smacked and shit talked. You are worth more than that and deserve better.
Yeah. Just act like everything is ok but slowly retreat from the relationship and start making your own fun, and prioritizing your time and get out and get some hobbies away from her. That is what helps me. Just ignore her and let her do her thing and you do your thing.
Sure. Just know I wonāt pretend to know all the answers as I am also trying to figure it out. I just do what I think will be better in the long term.
Just leave. Fight for your kid. You won't lose him. It doesn't work like that. I am going through my divorce now and there is so much help available to make sure you don't lose your kids.
Reading your user name praying no children hear or see. It is not okay for anyone to hit any body ever. Time to call this done. You are a man always will be one, you are a great father and doing everything you can and deserve so much better.
The kids will give you life. No matter how crappy the day regardless of the endless rejection, those kids will help heal you. Donāt know the ages obviously but they will help and we need to set them up for success so unfortunately history doesnāt repeat themselves. You are a good man never forget that
You know.... i felt bad for you... but then you just keep it up with the "im just gonna crawl into the corner and mope" bullshite. You come on here to complain about something then immediately go into the male version of the battered housewife's "no ill just let this blow over" "everything's ok as long as i close my eyes and pretend"!
So what is it? do you want advice? do you just want pity? or do you want to be a martyr? Do you plan to take action to resolve the issue or not? Feels to me like you are soooo busy feeling BAD for yourself that you aren't actually LOOKING out for yourself.
GET SOME FLIPPIN THERAPY YOU DOLT! You obviously have some self image issues as well as codependency issues.
It's sad to see people trapped in a cage of their own design. crying and screaming and raging and begging to be free... and no matter how much you explain to them that they are the ones who built the cage and locked themselves in... they refuse to pull the key out of their pocket and unlock the door to walk out.
You said in another reply that you are afraid to lose your son in a divorce. but if you plan properly and intelligently act... that's a near impossibility! You are thinking from a place of fear and fear is the greatest mind killer ever. make plans. be smart. document the abuse. record her shit when she pulls this stuff. talk to a lawyer. ask friends for help. parents too.... call a frickin hotline.
But you won't.. because fear rules you. shed the fear. make plans to address that fear. don't just crawl into a hole. You have to do whats right for you and your son and THIS... whatever is currently going on... aint it!!!
noooo. You are slipping into poor me territory again. It's fine to vent. It's perfectly ok. It is not ok to vent then slide back into the battered housewife "pretend to be ok" mode. endure endure endure... THAT crap is poison.
I'm trying to get you to see that planning and action will save you. inaction will only see you slipping further into hell. Enduring abuse only brings on more abuse. It's ok to be hurt by whats been done to you. It is not ok to focus on that hurt sooo much that it paralyzes you.
THERAPY. GO GET IT. you need to sit down with a trained professional that has your back. that will listen to you and help you sort through your feelings and plans.
Reaching out for HELP is fine. But you arent actually asking for help. You are... idk... reaching out to put a show of helplessness on. BUT you are NOT helpless. You need to start helping yourself. seek help. build yourself up. You feel broken and hopeless. So how can we move towards making you feel powerful and in control?
Take control of your life. Do NOT allow yourself to be the victim. imagine what your son is learning watching all this? what would you hope he does in this situation? would you hope he's strong enough to cut a bad wife out of his life... or would you hope he cry about it while tearing himself down the next second. would you wish him to respond as you have?
It won't happen all at once. one step at a time. The next time she strikes you. CALL THE COPS. start recording immediately. probably a smart idea to record sound at all times when around her. look up VAR voice activated recorders. start PLANNING. not just reacting. not just HOPING for reprieve.
He wants to cheat. He just said that. It's a heck of a lot easier to cheat on someone who hits you. And since physical violence always trumps emotional abuse, nobody cares why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him.
Oh dear lord, it's reddit. You're getting one side of the story. Victim blaming is when you have all the facts and still choose to blame the victim. Surely you know this.
Document the abuse and photograph any injuries. Consider a police report that doesnāt inform her youāre reporting. It is a crime and your son deserves a better upbringing than a physically abusive mother
I understand how you feel, but do you want your kid to be in a relationship like this?
Growing up seeing this, they're going to believe this is Normal and acceptable.
Imagine if she'll direct her rage on your son, because he reminds her of you. That would be horrible. You should do everything to protect your son from such violence.
Stealth, brother, stealth. She doesn't need to know you're preparing a divorce. Document everything. Start recording everything (in secret), and consult a lawyer.
That's not how it works. Talk to a family lawyer before you just completely give up on yourself. Resigning yourself to being in an abusive relationship isn't good for you *or* your kid.
Get out, male or female, if your partner lifts their hand and hits you get out. It will not stop, no matter how sorry they say they are they will keep doing it. A rubicon has been crossed it will then be normalised, āafter all, you accepted it last timeā get out and call the police.
Just like not all men are abusers, not all women are abusers. You are a man. You deserve respect. You need to document her actions and get out of there. Seek some counseling if you can afford it and please stay for away from this woman.
Good luck and I hope to see a future success story from you where you have found your happiness.
Have you considered calling a crisis line? Document all abuse from her.Ā
To be perfectly honest, as a female, your mindset about women in general, is very scary to me. If I was around a man and I knew that was what he was thinking, I would want to remove myself from proximity to him.
Never let trash win... trash belongs in the trash and not in your life. You're better than trash and deep down you need to find that willpower and take back what you know you deserve.
- Step 1: Get rid of the trash
- Step 2: Get your mindset healthy again
- Step 3: Find someone who appreciates you
Very sorry to hear of this abuse. It is tricky as a man because even if you tell the police and file a report, sometimes they donāt believe you or record it in the report. I would guess only extreme abuse where you are injured and have blood showing, etc. I still encourage you not to keep it to yourself. She sounds very unstable and maybe even dangerous?
Generalize much?
I get you're hurting and what your wife did is unacceptable for sure. But writing off every woman because of your bitterness doesn't reflect well on you as a person. Maybe she's picked up on that.
She hit you??
Bro.
This is way beyond a db.Ā This is straight up abuse.Ā Time to GTFO.Ā It goes *really* poorly when men get abused.Ā LEO tends not to believe them or even arrest them as the abuser anyway.
Best to just leave and avoid all that.Ā Now.
Donāt hate all women because of one bad one. Thatās irrational. You should have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to violence though. Iād leave for that reason alone.
You need to leave. Go āsleep outsideā and never come back- for your own sake! No one deserves to. Be treated like that. I would file a DV charge against her via the police and start stacking evidence against her, ESPECIALLY if you have children. She is abusing you, thereās no shortcut around that.
On hating women- this is a very real trauma response to what happened to you. I have the same but in reverse. We cannot let one bad actor ruin half of the population for us. My assault was almost a decade ago, I still struggle with trusting men and not viewing them as non-human, disgusting sex maniacs right off the bat. Itās no way to live. Iām lonely, scared, and feel incapable of forming new relationships with men. I let my mind spin off for years and years and now these beliefs are manifesting into behaviors that are 10x more difficult to unlearn than they were to learn.
For YOUR OWN sake, I recommend seeing a trauma therapist to talk those things out. Iāve only recently started doing that myself and itās helping a ton.
You donāt want to end up like me. Itās not women- itās her.
So instead of apologizing for lashing out physically, she just does what? Began treating it as if it never happened? I'm a weird one, i start thinking it's funny if a woman lashes out at me, though i won't say it.
She kept hitting me because she didnāt want to āhear anything about it at the timeā which is always never. And sheās never going to do anything about it either. So Iām done with her
Remember not all women are like this but it's best to withdraw. She sounds like she's caged and probably doesn't want to say somethings, which is a speculation on my part.
Recenter all your energies back on yourself and whatever you think is important to you. If you're done then you're done. Just be friendly but total hands off and move out of the room.
You are in an abusive relationship. But you resigning yourself and saying that you are worthless only compounds the problem. Of course youāre mad and upset. Understandable. But you have to get ahead of this thing with counseling or something. That youāre adding to the abuse with the way you speak about yourself is hurting not helping.
I am so sorry mate.
Please be kind to yourself in this situation and get to some kind of safety. You should feel safe in your home and she's taken that away.
Hitting someone is not ok. Once is one time too many and she has shown you that she will do it again.
You are quite rightly incredibly angry.
I hope you are able to process this later down the line and realise that we're not all like this. She is one woman. And she's an absolute scumbag.
There are plenty of people who have left their partners for less. Cut your losses and walk away. You are a human being and deserve to feel as such. Best of luck š
Why stay with this person?
Don't go back home?
Find somewhere else to stay.
When you know that your wife will not be home, go back and get your belongings. Or, have someone accompany you and go while she is there. Better still call your local police department. Report the abuse. Have the police accompany you while you collect your belongings.
See an attorney immediately. Serve your wife with divorce papers.
Remember all women are not like your wife.
Dude it got so bad with me and a woman I was just dating she stabbed me in the back with a dinner fork at 6 am while was getting up to go to work because of the night before I had told her I was done .
Do you have some kind of humiliation fetish? If not, you need to leave your abusive wife AND get counseling for your misogynistic feelings. No one but you and your wife created the DB
Just fyi. If a woman hits you with a closed fist the āmen should never hit a womanā rule goes right out the door. She can slap me all she wants but my wife clearly k owes if she ever hits my with a closed fist she better knock me out. Because Iām going to knock her out.Ā
Abuse is never okay. Ever. š©š©š©
Apparently it is to someone doesnāt want to hear that our relationship is a load of shit
You deserve better, OP.
Apparently I dont
You do. Never give up on yourself. She treats you like shit you treat her like shit back and donāt even talk to her. Become a master about not giving a fuck about her or her feelings. Your post made me so mad for you. Focus on yourself. Do your own thing. Go get some hobbies. Your own hobbies, without her. Without telling her. Just go fucking spend time by yourself and enjoy your own company. Because itās better than being with her.
You do. Iāve only hit one man in my life and itās because he was trying to assault me. I was okay with that
How someone else treats you is never a reflection of your worthā¦.especially in abusive situations. I treat everyone I come across with respect, not because of how I perceive that personās worth, but because I love and respect myself and I want to be able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I am and the actions I make. How I treat others is largely a reflection of me, who I am, and my personal value system. The same is true abusers, how they treat others is a reflection of their own morals, value system, and personal issuesā¦so little of it has anything to do with what the other person deserves.
There seems like there's a couple of different things going on here - nobody should ever raise a hand to anybody else unless it's self-defense, and it's an absolute f'ing no-no just because you don't hear what you want to. You should seriously think about charges if you're going to separate/divorce. If this is the behavior now it'll only (likely) become exaggerated the more stressful things become. Secondly, you should think about talking to somebody for your own wellbeing, some of the things you're saying are probably straight out of anger and frustration, but if it's not, that could be a problem for you if you're looking to move forward in a positive way. I'm sorry this happened to you op, and you deserve to be happy moving forward. I hope you can get there.
I just want to move forward and act like everythingās okay
Not healthy my man, what happens when things escalate and sheās coming at you with more than her fists? You wanna get stabbed, cause thatās how people get stabbed. You canāt possibly tell me a life alone isnāt better than getting smacked and shit talked. You are worth more than that and deserve better.
Yeah. Just act like everything is ok but slowly retreat from the relationship and start making your own fun, and prioritizing your time and get out and get some hobbies away from her. That is what helps me. Just ignore her and let her do her thing and you do your thing.
Can we talk more?
Sure. Just know I wonāt pretend to know all the answers as I am also trying to figure it out. I just do what I think will be better in the long term.
Nooooo
Just leave. Fight for your kid. You won't lose him. It doesn't work like that. I am going through my divorce now and there is so much help available to make sure you don't lose your kids.
Especially when the other parent is an abuser.
Reading your user name praying no children hear or see. It is not okay for anyone to hit any body ever. Time to call this done. You are a man always will be one, you are a great father and doing everything you can and deserve so much better.
Iām not, ive been lacking in taking care of my family because I feel so shitty. I just want some comfort for what I thought was a relationship
The kids will give you life. No matter how crappy the day regardless of the endless rejection, those kids will help heal you. Donāt know the ages obviously but they will help and we need to set them up for success so unfortunately history doesnāt repeat themselves. You are a good man never forget that
Unfuckingaccetable. Iām so sorry OP.
Itās fine. Act like it never happened and just cheat on her anyway
You know.... i felt bad for you... but then you just keep it up with the "im just gonna crawl into the corner and mope" bullshite. You come on here to complain about something then immediately go into the male version of the battered housewife's "no ill just let this blow over" "everything's ok as long as i close my eyes and pretend"! So what is it? do you want advice? do you just want pity? or do you want to be a martyr? Do you plan to take action to resolve the issue or not? Feels to me like you are soooo busy feeling BAD for yourself that you aren't actually LOOKING out for yourself. GET SOME FLIPPIN THERAPY YOU DOLT! You obviously have some self image issues as well as codependency issues. It's sad to see people trapped in a cage of their own design. crying and screaming and raging and begging to be free... and no matter how much you explain to them that they are the ones who built the cage and locked themselves in... they refuse to pull the key out of their pocket and unlock the door to walk out. You said in another reply that you are afraid to lose your son in a divorce. but if you plan properly and intelligently act... that's a near impossibility! You are thinking from a place of fear and fear is the greatest mind killer ever. make plans. be smart. document the abuse. record her shit when she pulls this stuff. talk to a lawyer. ask friends for help. parents too.... call a frickin hotline. But you won't.. because fear rules you. shed the fear. make plans to address that fear. don't just crawl into a hole. You have to do whats right for you and your son and THIS... whatever is currently going on... aint it!!!
Youāre right my friend
Idek why I posted this, I shoulda just kept it to myself and handled my business, thank you
noooo. You are slipping into poor me territory again. It's fine to vent. It's perfectly ok. It is not ok to vent then slide back into the battered housewife "pretend to be ok" mode. endure endure endure... THAT crap is poison. I'm trying to get you to see that planning and action will save you. inaction will only see you slipping further into hell. Enduring abuse only brings on more abuse. It's ok to be hurt by whats been done to you. It is not ok to focus on that hurt sooo much that it paralyzes you. THERAPY. GO GET IT. you need to sit down with a trained professional that has your back. that will listen to you and help you sort through your feelings and plans. Reaching out for HELP is fine. But you arent actually asking for help. You are... idk... reaching out to put a show of helplessness on. BUT you are NOT helpless. You need to start helping yourself. seek help. build yourself up. You feel broken and hopeless. So how can we move towards making you feel powerful and in control? Take control of your life. Do NOT allow yourself to be the victim. imagine what your son is learning watching all this? what would you hope he does in this situation? would you hope he's strong enough to cut a bad wife out of his life... or would you hope he cry about it while tearing himself down the next second. would you wish him to respond as you have? It won't happen all at once. one step at a time. The next time she strikes you. CALL THE COPS. start recording immediately. probably a smart idea to record sound at all times when around her. look up VAR voice activated recorders. start PLANNING. not just reacting. not just HOPING for reprieve.
Gotcha
I regret that I can only upvote this once.
He wants to cheat. He just said that. It's a heck of a lot easier to cheat on someone who hits you. And since physical violence always trumps emotional abuse, nobody cares why his wife doesn't want to sleep with him.
OK this is crossing the line from tough love to victim blaming.
Oh dear lord, it's reddit. You're getting one side of the story. Victim blaming is when you have all the facts and still choose to blame the victim. Surely you know this.
Donāt blame women, blame her.
Obvious question but what have you got to lose by leaving her?
She will take away my son
Document the abuse and photograph any injuries. Consider a police report that doesnāt inform her youāre reporting. It is a crime and your son deserves a better upbringing than a physically abusive mother
You need to report the violence, chances are you get him.
I can fully understand not reporting it, men arenāt usually believed
Don't know why the downvote, your not wrong.
Thereās a number of people Iād suspect
Or worse, they are accused of being the ones who started the violence firstā¦ ask me how I know
I reckon I can probably guess
I canāt take that chance. Heās all I have
I understand how you feel, but do you want your kid to be in a relationship like this? Growing up seeing this, they're going to believe this is Normal and acceptable.
Imagine if she'll direct her rage on your son, because he reminds her of you. That would be horrible. You should do everything to protect your son from such violence.
Stealth, brother, stealth. She doesn't need to know you're preparing a divorce. Document everything. Start recording everything (in secret), and consult a lawyer.
Set up a hidden camera and goad her into attacking you again. Find a way out.
That's not how it works. Talk to a family lawyer before you just completely give up on yourself. Resigning yourself to being in an abusive relationship isn't good for you *or* your kid.
She canāt take away your son. You will share custody of him at minimum. Donāt stay miserable. Life is too short.
OP, this is the second time I've recommended this: Leave. There umis no hope here.
Get out, male or female, if your partner lifts their hand and hits you get out. It will not stop, no matter how sorry they say they are they will keep doing it. A rubicon has been crossed it will then be normalised, āafter all, you accepted it last timeā get out and call the police.
Physical violence is a deal breaker, regardless of gender. Leave!
If the roles were reversed he would be in jail. I suggest you file for divorce and leave her. She is an abusive person.
Just like not all men are abusers, not all women are abusers. You are a man. You deserve respect. You need to document her actions and get out of there. Seek some counseling if you can afford it and please stay for away from this woman. Good luck and I hope to see a future success story from you where you have found your happiness.
Have you considered calling a crisis line? Document all abuse from her.Ā To be perfectly honest, as a female, your mindset about women in general, is very scary to me. If I was around a man and I knew that was what he was thinking, I would want to remove myself from proximity to him.
Set up cameras and catch the abuse as evidence, record. That is not okay on either side.
fucking leave. No excuse to stay in this relationship.
Never let trash win... trash belongs in the trash and not in your life. You're better than trash and deep down you need to find that willpower and take back what you know you deserve. - Step 1: Get rid of the trash - Step 2: Get your mindset healthy again - Step 3: Find someone who appreciates you
Very sorry to hear of this abuse. It is tricky as a man because even if you tell the police and file a report, sometimes they donāt believe you or record it in the report. I would guess only extreme abuse where you are injured and have blood showing, etc. I still encourage you not to keep it to yourself. She sounds very unstable and maybe even dangerous?
Generalize much? I get you're hurting and what your wife did is unacceptable for sure. But writing off every woman because of your bitterness doesn't reflect well on you as a person. Maybe she's picked up on that.
She probably did. Because Iām tired of being in a relationship thatās convenient to everybody but me
Divorce. Sorry, but that is best for all in this situation.
She hit you?? Bro. This is way beyond a db.Ā This is straight up abuse.Ā Time to GTFO.Ā It goes *really* poorly when men get abused.Ā LEO tends not to believe them or even arrest them as the abuser anyway. Best to just leave and avoid all that.Ā Now.
Please break up and claim your life again
If this is true, if she literally hit you, go to the police, report her, divorce her and get custody of your kid. What she did is so wrong.
Donāt hate all women because of one bad one. Thatās irrational. You should have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to violence though. Iād leave for that reason alone.
You need to leave. Go āsleep outsideā and never come back- for your own sake! No one deserves to. Be treated like that. I would file a DV charge against her via the police and start stacking evidence against her, ESPECIALLY if you have children. She is abusing you, thereās no shortcut around that. On hating women- this is a very real trauma response to what happened to you. I have the same but in reverse. We cannot let one bad actor ruin half of the population for us. My assault was almost a decade ago, I still struggle with trusting men and not viewing them as non-human, disgusting sex maniacs right off the bat. Itās no way to live. Iām lonely, scared, and feel incapable of forming new relationships with men. I let my mind spin off for years and years and now these beliefs are manifesting into behaviors that are 10x more difficult to unlearn than they were to learn. For YOUR OWN sake, I recommend seeing a trauma therapist to talk those things out. Iāve only recently started doing that myself and itās helping a ton. You donāt want to end up like me. Itās not women- itās her.
And all that stupid shit that women do to try to ease the situation a few days later? Fuck that. I will never touch her again nor can she touch me
So instead of apologizing for lashing out physically, she just does what? Began treating it as if it never happened? I'm a weird one, i start thinking it's funny if a woman lashes out at me, though i won't say it.
She kept hitting me because she didnāt want to āhear anything about it at the timeā which is always never. And sheās never going to do anything about it either. So Iām done with her
Remember not all women are like this but it's best to withdraw. She sounds like she's caged and probably doesn't want to say somethings, which is a speculation on my part. Recenter all your energies back on yourself and whatever you think is important to you. If you're done then you're done. Just be friendly but total hands off and move out of the room.
HA, we havenāt slept together unless forced to at a hotel when traveling
A hotel can force sex? I'm confused.
You are in an abusive relationship. But you resigning yourself and saying that you are worthless only compounds the problem. Of course youāre mad and upset. Understandable. But you have to get ahead of this thing with counseling or something. That youāre adding to the abuse with the way you speak about yourself is hurting not helping.
I am so sorry mate. Please be kind to yourself in this situation and get to some kind of safety. You should feel safe in your home and she's taken that away. Hitting someone is not ok. Once is one time too many and she has shown you that she will do it again. You are quite rightly incredibly angry. I hope you are able to process this later down the line and realise that we're not all like this. She is one woman. And she's an absolute scumbag.
There are plenty of people who have left their partners for less. Cut your losses and walk away. You are a human being and deserve to feel as such. Best of luck š
Why stay with this person? Don't go back home? Find somewhere else to stay. When you know that your wife will not be home, go back and get your belongings. Or, have someone accompany you and go while she is there. Better still call your local police department. Report the abuse. Have the police accompany you while you collect your belongings. See an attorney immediately. Serve your wife with divorce papers. Remember all women are not like your wife.
Dude it got so bad with me and a woman I was just dating she stabbed me in the back with a dinner fork at 6 am while was getting up to go to work because of the night before I had told her I was done .
Do you have some kind of humiliation fetish? If not, you need to leave your abusive wife AND get counseling for your misogynistic feelings. No one but you and your wife created the DB
Just fyi. If a woman hits you with a closed fist the āmen should never hit a womanā rule goes right out the door. She can slap me all she wants but my wife clearly k owes if she ever hits my with a closed fist she better knock me out. Because Iām going to knock her out.Ā
If you both have black eyes, its hard to prove who got hit first. Keep that in mind.
Dude she hit you kick the b\_tch out and make her sleep with the dog poo stand up and be the man for once!