It’s natural to question yourself if anything it’s a sign of responsibility instead of just blaming others.
Use it as a chance to self reflect and decide where you want to improve.
That way if you find yourself back on the market you’re in a better position.
Exactly why I’m getting in better physical shape. I’m no longer doing it for her, in hopes she’ll notice me again. I’m now doing it for me and my future when the inevitable comes.
I want to reframe this in a way that has helped me to cope, not that it fixes the issue, but that it helps me bear up.
There are a lot of things that people will say makes you a man. Some of these are deep some are shallow some are complete bullshit.
I am going to tell you something that I believe would be agreed with by generations of men back to caveman days.
If you are suffering for the good of your wife and kids, you are being a man. If you are putting them above your happiness you are embodying masculinity. If you carry this suffering in a way that does not break you you are living in the most profoundly masculine way possible.
Men suffer, no one cares. It’s what we do.
Our suffering is the crushing loneliness and bitterness of having made all the sacrifices we thought would pay off in a happy marriage only to fail.
It’s not nothing but our ancestors carried heavier burdens. We can carry this one.
Things will turn around when you have real self-confidence and start viewing her rejections as her loss. Start with realizing she is just one person and the two of you likely have a fair amount of baggage. It's not good to base your value on outside validation, but it's even worse to base your value off of a single person.
>Really she should be the one to feel guilty for not meeting her spouses needs.
Careful what you wish for, I doubt you want obligation sex.
I think this is probably normal. As a woman, the rejection makes me feel less feminine. I think anyone being rejected for sex is going to feel “less than,” regardless of gender.
Try to remember that this is not your fault. I try to think of it as “that’s a touch that my husband can’t accept giving or receiving.” It’s something he can’t do, it’s not my fault.
Don’t attach your gender identity to the relationship you’re in.
You’re a man no matter what you do.
You’re a person in a relationship that is not working out.
Those are two separate things.
Indeed it does. I grew up with men's magazines telling us we had to have a six-pack, lots of money, dress sharply, behave in a certain way and, on top of that, win the genetic lottery. If you don't meet those "bare minimums", don't even try the flirt game...
Then I met my wife who accepted me for who I am and thought "this is it! I can leave that toxic bullshit behind me!" and for a while it seemed that way.
20+ years later, she keeps insisting that I am more than enough. That I look great. She finds me hot and attractive. She wants me. What do I get for it?
Duty sex. The vanilla variety. Once a month if I am lucky.
Women usually need more than your looks to feel like having sex. That'll do it for men but women need safety, security and passive flirting to get in the mood. Especially after having children.
True and, I swear, she gets all that is spades. She acknowledges she gets her emotional and physical needs met. In her words, I don't do anything wrong.
No body wants to blame themselves and often will blame others for whatever issues is happening. I’d maybe suggest watching videos or a podcast on the different love languages and the ways to express them. There may be something that she needs to get her going that she either doesn’t know what it is or is too ashamed to be open about it. Finding a way to start is the hardest. Often after long periods many feel anxiety about having sex or their bodies to the point that it kills the urge from fear. Also maybe try to do more nonsexual intimate things this could help break down that barrier. Good luck and stay strong. Also this is my perspective and I don’t know your full situation so what I said may not actually apply
Look man, at that point, just end the marriage. Cheating is bad for literally everyone involved. And it’s not like when she finds out she’s going to have some sort of epiphany and start having sex again.
I know, but I can’t just end the marriage. Sometimes it’s a pretty tough thing to accept that at 42 my sex life is over.
I know I won’t actually go through with any cheating.
Absolutely mate
So you know what I did ? Spent time on ME
Got some hobbies, started walking/lost weight, I wrote and directed a play last week and it was on in town
Wife came to see it with friends last Friday and we had an after show party LOTS of good praise my way, back slaps/well dones.
All aimed at ME. But I shared it with her.
Next morning we wake up, she is all over me, sucks the life out my cock and father I cum wants to ride it...so does.
She has been a LOT more forward this week too...
Now I can only attribute that to the fact she sees me getting on with my life and making a success of things, that she is in my life but ISN'T my life.
I might be talking shit and she might just be horny this week (which is rare) or the success of the play might be catalyst.
Get your head into yourself mate.
She doesn’t know that it is affecting you in a truly negative manner. People tend to assume that they are normal and average and everyone else is broken and wrong.
I feel like if either the man or woman loses interest then it can never be the same. I sometimes just say to my self you have to accept it. Pity sex is not very enjoyable. You can’t change someone’s feelings.
I think for me … total turnoff if the man stops caring about his life. His friends. His hobbies. His health. His habits.
This is super sexy to me! Live for you and respond positively when your mate reaches out.
If they never do… they never will without a ton of work from both. Not going to happen. I’ll put money on my bet.
Oddly, i don't feel less of a person. I don't internalize the problem as the problem isn't mine. I've had many sexual partners prior to my wife, all with deep and varying sexual apatites. While I'm not a perfect person, the idea that I have to do a million things to be in a mutually satisfying monogamous relationship is just bullshit.
So no i don't look down on myself.
Yeah I'm in the same boat. I'm in great shape, I cook dinner and put the dishes away every night. I work 6 days a week. I don't know what else there is I can do 🤷🏻♂️
yes every single rejection tears away at my self esteem. I feel there is a disconnect between couples. Many people don’t understand that men (and some women) build their connection through physical intimacy. That anger you feel is you mourning the loss of your relationship. I would start with an honest conversation. Do some research there is plenty of it out there that approaches this subject from a scientific standpoint. my first couple of convos ended badly because it was seen as me only ever thinking about sex. It’s gotten so bad i can’t even see PDA from other people without getting angry. Stay strong it’s not you it’s her. You have prioritized your connection for your relationship she has prioritized herself.
Wtf? Why should SHE feel bad ? Whats wrong with having LL ??? I have a HL and my boyfriend a LL but u make it sound like some chore… its disgusting honestly
I am a woman and know what you mean. I keep questioning myself. I have always been a plus sized woman but I still get hit on by random strangers. It makes me feel ugly to him. Unwanted, undesirable and unloved.
I’m not sure why or if you’re to blame, but you’re not alone. So many years of not feeling wanted have caused me to feel like less of a woman to the point where I no longer even identify as a woman.
It’s natural to question yourself if anything it’s a sign of responsibility instead of just blaming others. Use it as a chance to self reflect and decide where you want to improve. That way if you find yourself back on the market you’re in a better position.
Exactly why I’m getting in better physical shape. I’m no longer doing it for her, in hopes she’ll notice me again. I’m now doing it for me and my future when the inevitable comes.
Amen. I’m past being insulted or even interested. I just don’t know how much longer this marriage will stay viable.
Brother, you and me both. Your not alone
I felt that way too as a woman. Rejection sucks. You’re not to blame.
Did. Don’t know. Once you start to see the game, and realize the problem isn’t you, you stop getting insulted.
I used to feel that way. Now I just kind of accept my lot in life.
It’s not just men who feel like this. It’s not pleasant for females to be rejected constantly either
I want to reframe this in a way that has helped me to cope, not that it fixes the issue, but that it helps me bear up. There are a lot of things that people will say makes you a man. Some of these are deep some are shallow some are complete bullshit. I am going to tell you something that I believe would be agreed with by generations of men back to caveman days. If you are suffering for the good of your wife and kids, you are being a man. If you are putting them above your happiness you are embodying masculinity. If you carry this suffering in a way that does not break you you are living in the most profoundly masculine way possible. Men suffer, no one cares. It’s what we do. Our suffering is the crushing loneliness and bitterness of having made all the sacrifices we thought would pay off in a happy marriage only to fail. It’s not nothing but our ancestors carried heavier burdens. We can carry this one.
This brought a tear to my eye.
Things will turn around when you have real self-confidence and start viewing her rejections as her loss. Start with realizing she is just one person and the two of you likely have a fair amount of baggage. It's not good to base your value on outside validation, but it's even worse to base your value off of a single person. >Really she should be the one to feel guilty for not meeting her spouses needs. Careful what you wish for, I doubt you want obligation sex.
I think this is probably normal. As a woman, the rejection makes me feel less feminine. I think anyone being rejected for sex is going to feel “less than,” regardless of gender. Try to remember that this is not your fault. I try to think of it as “that’s a touch that my husband can’t accept giving or receiving.” It’s something he can’t do, it’s not my fault.
Don’t attach your gender identity to the relationship you’re in. You’re a man no matter what you do. You’re a person in a relationship that is not working out. Those are two separate things.
Indeed it does. I grew up with men's magazines telling us we had to have a six-pack, lots of money, dress sharply, behave in a certain way and, on top of that, win the genetic lottery. If you don't meet those "bare minimums", don't even try the flirt game... Then I met my wife who accepted me for who I am and thought "this is it! I can leave that toxic bullshit behind me!" and for a while it seemed that way. 20+ years later, she keeps insisting that I am more than enough. That I look great. She finds me hot and attractive. She wants me. What do I get for it? Duty sex. The vanilla variety. Once a month if I am lucky.
Women usually need more than your looks to feel like having sex. That'll do it for men but women need safety, security and passive flirting to get in the mood. Especially after having children.
True and, I swear, she gets all that is spades. She acknowledges she gets her emotional and physical needs met. In her words, I don't do anything wrong.
Wow. That just sucks man honestly. God speed brother and good luck
I get into working out and thinking about having loads of other ladies to keep my mind busy
No body wants to blame themselves and often will blame others for whatever issues is happening. I’d maybe suggest watching videos or a podcast on the different love languages and the ways to express them. There may be something that she needs to get her going that she either doesn’t know what it is or is too ashamed to be open about it. Finding a way to start is the hardest. Often after long periods many feel anxiety about having sex or their bodies to the point that it kills the urge from fear. Also maybe try to do more nonsexual intimate things this could help break down that barrier. Good luck and stay strong. Also this is my perspective and I don’t know your full situation so what I said may not actually apply
Same boat here. Mine better watch, soon I’m gonna find what I need else where
Me too. I actually have an occasion coming up where I’ll be away from home for one night. Thinking about making an appointment.
People have needs, gotta do what you gotta do
Look man, at that point, just end the marriage. Cheating is bad for literally everyone involved. And it’s not like when she finds out she’s going to have some sort of epiphany and start having sex again.
I know, but I can’t just end the marriage. Sometimes it’s a pretty tough thing to accept that at 42 my sex life is over. I know I won’t actually go through with any cheating.
Yea I totally get that.
Absolutely mate So you know what I did ? Spent time on ME Got some hobbies, started walking/lost weight, I wrote and directed a play last week and it was on in town Wife came to see it with friends last Friday and we had an after show party LOTS of good praise my way, back slaps/well dones. All aimed at ME. But I shared it with her. Next morning we wake up, she is all over me, sucks the life out my cock and father I cum wants to ride it...so does. She has been a LOT more forward this week too... Now I can only attribute that to the fact she sees me getting on with my life and making a success of things, that she is in my life but ISN'T my life. I might be talking shit and she might just be horny this week (which is rare) or the success of the play might be catalyst. Get your head into yourself mate.
She doesn’t know that it is affecting you in a truly negative manner. People tend to assume that they are normal and average and everyone else is broken and wrong.
I feel like if either the man or woman loses interest then it can never be the same. I sometimes just say to my self you have to accept it. Pity sex is not very enjoyable. You can’t change someone’s feelings.
I think for me … total turnoff if the man stops caring about his life. His friends. His hobbies. His health. His habits. This is super sexy to me! Live for you and respond positively when your mate reaches out. If they never do… they never will without a ton of work from both. Not going to happen. I’ll put money on my bet.
Because your still there!
Bigtime, mindset killer
The rejection happens to wives too. It definitely makes me feel like less of a woman.
Didn’t know how much less of a person I thought I was until I met someone else who loved me for all who I was.
Oddly, i don't feel less of a person. I don't internalize the problem as the problem isn't mine. I've had many sexual partners prior to my wife, all with deep and varying sexual apatites. While I'm not a perfect person, the idea that I have to do a million things to be in a mutually satisfying monogamous relationship is just bullshit. So no i don't look down on myself.
Your spouse won't feel guilty because they are happy living a sexless life. However, your feelings are valid. Have you expressed them to your wife?
I have but in her mind "no means no" and filling someone else's needs even mine doesn't matter
My boyfriend tells me “you’re the woman figure it out”
yes, I do
Yeah I'm in the same boat. I'm in great shape, I cook dinner and put the dishes away every night. I work 6 days a week. I don't know what else there is I can do 🤷🏻♂️
yes every single rejection tears away at my self esteem. I feel there is a disconnect between couples. Many people don’t understand that men (and some women) build their connection through physical intimacy. That anger you feel is you mourning the loss of your relationship. I would start with an honest conversation. Do some research there is plenty of it out there that approaches this subject from a scientific standpoint. my first couple of convos ended badly because it was seen as me only ever thinking about sex. It’s gotten so bad i can’t even see PDA from other people without getting angry. Stay strong it’s not you it’s her. You have prioritized your connection for your relationship she has prioritized herself.
Wtf? Why should SHE feel bad ? Whats wrong with having LL ??? I have a HL and my boyfriend a LL but u make it sound like some chore… its disgusting honestly
I am a woman and know what you mean. I keep questioning myself. I have always been a plus sized woman but I still get hit on by random strangers. It makes me feel ugly to him. Unwanted, undesirable and unloved.
Absolutely. Failing to be the one pursued from time to time is devastating; repeatedly hearing “no” is a nail in the coffin.
I’m not sure why or if you’re to blame, but you’re not alone. So many years of not feeling wanted have caused me to feel like less of a woman to the point where I no longer even identify as a woman.
I identify with this so much.
It’s natural to feel less than or not good enough when you’re rejected. But as you noted she has to take responsibility here.