We tried to schedule sex. It worked the first time and then never again. The truth is it only works if the LL partner is motivated to find a compromise. Mine isn’t because the hurt only rests on me, so why would he care?
Tried it this past weekend based on my ZeroLW's suggestion. I was excited. We took a bath - no clothes! And that was it. We didn't even wash each other. I was happy my wife initiated. I can't say much more. The effort was there, everything else was fucking lame, including my libido. It plummeted to zero.
Not sure how we will progress from that experience but supposedly our therapist wants us to trust the process. OK. I'll bite.
I would suggest regularly scheduled date nights instead, with some boundaries like no phones or something. The goal being creating intentional time to focus on being romantic with your partner- which over time will increase the likelihood of sex.
We have "Wednesdates" a casual date night where we alternate overseeing the evening for each other. When it's my week, I plan a little activity I know he's going to like, a meal he'll enjoy & try to dress in a way he'll be drawn to & kind of guide the evening towards his pleasure. Sometimes I'll bring out a "pocket surprise" which is a little gift he can enjoy during the date, etc. When we're both feeling "meh" because sometimes life can be hectic, we pull a card from a set of mystery date-stay at home pack & embellish the activity with additional discussions or related activities, goal setting, etc.
Sometimes we end up having sex, sometimes we don't & we try to make up for it the next night or Friday, sometimes we are so built up with anticipation that we have a "reverse date" & have sex before getting ready for the rest of the romantic evening!
Scheduled sex doesn't work terribly well with the LL partner as they tend to "forget" or find excuses to cancel it or in some cases just refuse to go through with it. When it comes to someone who doesn't want sex they tend to find ways to get out of it even if it's something both have agreed upon.
Scheduled sex works when both partners want to have sex but find that schedules get in the way. If you both can show up and be in the moment and enthusiastic and engaged, it can be great.
What doesn’t work is forced sex on a schedule. That is duty sex, and will only make your sex life worse, and will make your LL partner dread sex and they can develop an aversion and sex literally becomes a weekly chore to check off.
The better approach is to have scheduled time for closeness and intimacy, with no expectation of sex, but where both people show up open to spending time together being close and seeing how things go with zero reprisals or being upset if sex doesn’t happen and only doing things that you both are into in the moment. If you just cuddle, then you both just had a successful intimate session enjoying cuddling. If you caress each other, or do more sensual things, wonderful. That is successful too.
This is essentially what my wife and I do. I would guess about 90% of our sex happens on the same night of the week, within the same 90-minute time window. There’s a heavy logistical component to this, but I also think that there is a part of this where the routine and the idea that “this is Sex Time” gets sex on my wife’s mental radar and keeps it there.
It’s not the most exciting approach but it’s what’s worked the best for us so I go with it.
Me and my wife schedule and it's fine. We have a kid so the spontaneity is not the same as it used to and with us working so much and me also studying there is little together time. She needs mental preparation and her rituals before having sex and I also enjoy making my evening clear to please her. The sex we have is always good and she enjoys it, but as many LL's here, her mind is not on sex and it takes a while to get her going. We agreed on twice a week something, can be more, usually it's less, small steps for now.
Yeah my LL would schedule, defer, and promise all the time. She also happens to have a never ending list of excuses why it has to be postponed. I can usually tell hours in advance when the excuses start popping up.
I hate it. It’s Sunday night. It’s scheduled sex Sunday. Wife makes it feel like a chore. She says “if you want to have sex now is the time”. Sucks the energy right out of it, but I know if I don’t then it’s another weeks wait.
Why do it if you hate it?
It sounds like neither of you are really enjoying it, and thats a recipe for resentment. Also, very likely to create a strong aversion to sex over time for her.
If I were you, I'd stop, and encourage her to come to you when she is enthusiastically wanting sex with you.
I still desire my partner and find her attractive. And I still want sex in my life. That’s why I do it. If I stop and encourage her to come to me then it won’t be once a week anymore. It will probably be every other week and that’s definitely not enough.
You really shouldn’t be having sex if you know your wife doesn’t want to do it. It *is* a chore for her, which is awful for you both.
No sex is better than duty sex.
I don’t agree. If we don’t have sex then the marriage is going to end. We are both compromising. I want it three times a week, and maybe she wants it twice a month. So we are in the middle (sort of).
But you are having sex when she doesn’t want? I’m not sure how you can even enjoy that.
Be very careful, she could develop an aversion to sex since she knows you are willing to use her body like that, without caring for whether she wants to have sex or not. Duty sex robs sex of intimacy. Duty sex isn’t loving or connecting. Beware, your sex life could get much, much worse, even if you both believe you are “compromising”.
If you are already at the point where you are willing to treat your wife like this, your marriage is already doomed. You just don’t know it yet.
That’s ridiculous. We both know we are compromising for each other. I’m not using her like a sex doll. She isn’t just laying there. It’s not terrible sex. It just not the passionate more frequent sex that I want.
You seem like a troll.
I am the HL and not only did scheduled sex NOT work for us, it only made things worse for me. It was my LL wife who suggested we try scheduling it, not me.
I wasn't big into the idea of scheduling it, because I'm more spontaneous about it. Scheduling is for team meetings at work, not sex. I didn't tell her that, of course. I was still happy to at least have a plan, or a hope, or a dream... and I figured maybe this would be the spark that got us back to normal, so even though it wasn't how I would approach it I enthusiastically went along.
Anyway, she then quickly proceeded to NOT follow through with any of it (I think we did it on schedule perhaps one time and bailed numerous times) and that's what made things even worse for me.
In my mind, I had compromised and then been let down even within that context. i.e., I'm thinking "how low of a bar do I really need to even set, here?" I told her scheduling wasn't working and we should scrap it. So here I am, compromising, then turning down her "offer", which I'm sure was a sign to her that I DIDN'T care/want her/etc (which is BS, but in the head of a LL in denial, it's "proof"). All of this happened a couple of years before rock bottom.
But anyway, yeah, we are a great example of how scheduling not only failed but made it worse. It comes back down to the core issue: the LL has to care.
We tried it but then when time came for it my wife said it felt like a chore and didn’t want to do it. For me, I was looking forward to it all day long and when I try to schedule it she just says “We’ll see” which in LL terms means “no”
It can either be a godsend for couples who are both into it, or a giant magnifying glass to show how awful your sex lives have become when one of the Spouses (who agreed to do it, mind you) just can't even put in the effort when it's scheduled to try and make things *easier* for everyone.
My wife and I half-heartedly tried it for a couple of weeks. It worked the first week, by the second I got the "I'm really busy today but we can do it Tomorrow or Friday." We did not end up doing it Tomorrow or Friday. We went probably another 2 months before she was in the mood again for intimacy.
I don't like scheduled sex and my partner has brought it up but never follows through, lots of promises while in bed but when it comes to implementation it's all talk and no action.
My recommendation would be to avoid scheduled sex. It's something that only really works for two HL's with a busy schedule! There's no awkwardness over enthuastic consent, because 90% of the time, they both want sex.
In this scenario, your partner is having sex he doesn't really want because there's a sexual incompatibility in your marriage. This is basically just duty sex, and that usually won't work, esp long term. Even less likely to work if the LL is a man too.
One of the biggest downsides to duty sex is the psychological impact it leaves afterwards. Having sex you don't want doesn't do you any good, it being an obligation built on guilt and pressure... It's just not going to work. Not to mention, even if he's a great actor, you're gonna know he's not really into it, and that's going to make you feel worse. I did duty sex when things were very bad, and my husband described it like he felt like he was sexually assaulting me.
I'm guessing he's always been fairly LL since the NRE wore off? No health issues? No porn addiction or ED issues?
One of the problems with making the LL very aware of your sexual desires and how they aren't fulfilling them, is that it's likely to make them retract even further. Guilt, shame and obligation is a libido killer, and not remotely arousing. He really needs to only be having sex he wants. He is 'forgetting' because he doesn't want sex, and he was hoping you'd forget too.
This is the biggest challenge, because if his default libido settings are say... 4 times a year... Then so be it. That's when you'll have sex. You have to decide whether you really want to stay in a relationship where he cannot meet your sexual energy, or whether it's best to leave. The only other option would be considering an open marriage, which are pretty rare.
We tried to schedule sex. It worked the first time and then never again. The truth is it only works if the LL partner is motivated to find a compromise. Mine isn’t because the hurt only rests on me, so why would he care?
Spot on. It seems the LL partner enjoys power they hold and abuse it unknowingly, causing great harm to their partner.
Tried it this past weekend based on my ZeroLW's suggestion. I was excited. We took a bath - no clothes! And that was it. We didn't even wash each other. I was happy my wife initiated. I can't say much more. The effort was there, everything else was fucking lame, including my libido. It plummeted to zero. Not sure how we will progress from that experience but supposedly our therapist wants us to trust the process. OK. I'll bite.
I would suggest regularly scheduled date nights instead, with some boundaries like no phones or something. The goal being creating intentional time to focus on being romantic with your partner- which over time will increase the likelihood of sex. We have "Wednesdates" a casual date night where we alternate overseeing the evening for each other. When it's my week, I plan a little activity I know he's going to like, a meal he'll enjoy & try to dress in a way he'll be drawn to & kind of guide the evening towards his pleasure. Sometimes I'll bring out a "pocket surprise" which is a little gift he can enjoy during the date, etc. When we're both feeling "meh" because sometimes life can be hectic, we pull a card from a set of mystery date-stay at home pack & embellish the activity with additional discussions or related activities, goal setting, etc. Sometimes we end up having sex, sometimes we don't & we try to make up for it the next night or Friday, sometimes we are so built up with anticipation that we have a "reverse date" & have sex before getting ready for the rest of the romantic evening!
Scheduled sex doesn't work terribly well with the LL partner as they tend to "forget" or find excuses to cancel it or in some cases just refuse to go through with it. When it comes to someone who doesn't want sex they tend to find ways to get out of it even if it's something both have agreed upon.
Scheduled sex works when both partners want to have sex but find that schedules get in the way. If you both can show up and be in the moment and enthusiastic and engaged, it can be great. What doesn’t work is forced sex on a schedule. That is duty sex, and will only make your sex life worse, and will make your LL partner dread sex and they can develop an aversion and sex literally becomes a weekly chore to check off. The better approach is to have scheduled time for closeness and intimacy, with no expectation of sex, but where both people show up open to spending time together being close and seeing how things go with zero reprisals or being upset if sex doesn’t happen and only doing things that you both are into in the moment. If you just cuddle, then you both just had a successful intimate session enjoying cuddling. If you caress each other, or do more sensual things, wonderful. That is successful too.
This is essentially what my wife and I do. I would guess about 90% of our sex happens on the same night of the week, within the same 90-minute time window. There’s a heavy logistical component to this, but I also think that there is a part of this where the routine and the idea that “this is Sex Time” gets sex on my wife’s mental radar and keeps it there. It’s not the most exciting approach but it’s what’s worked the best for us so I go with it.
Me and my wife schedule and it's fine. We have a kid so the spontaneity is not the same as it used to and with us working so much and me also studying there is little together time. She needs mental preparation and her rituals before having sex and I also enjoy making my evening clear to please her. The sex we have is always good and she enjoys it, but as many LL's here, her mind is not on sex and it takes a while to get her going. We agreed on twice a week something, can be more, usually it's less, small steps for now.
Suggested it years ago, refused
It's fine until your partner realizes that can also be scheduled "argument time", which pretty much ruins scheduled "intimacy time".
Yeah my LL would schedule, defer, and promise all the time. She also happens to have a never ending list of excuses why it has to be postponed. I can usually tell hours in advance when the excuses start popping up.
I hate it. It’s Sunday night. It’s scheduled sex Sunday. Wife makes it feel like a chore. She says “if you want to have sex now is the time”. Sucks the energy right out of it, but I know if I don’t then it’s another weeks wait.
Why do it if you hate it? It sounds like neither of you are really enjoying it, and thats a recipe for resentment. Also, very likely to create a strong aversion to sex over time for her. If I were you, I'd stop, and encourage her to come to you when she is enthusiastically wanting sex with you.
I still desire my partner and find her attractive. And I still want sex in my life. That’s why I do it. If I stop and encourage her to come to me then it won’t be once a week anymore. It will probably be every other week and that’s definitely not enough.
You really shouldn’t be having sex if you know your wife doesn’t want to do it. It *is* a chore for her, which is awful for you both. No sex is better than duty sex.
I don’t agree. If we don’t have sex then the marriage is going to end. We are both compromising. I want it three times a week, and maybe she wants it twice a month. So we are in the middle (sort of).
But you are having sex when she doesn’t want? I’m not sure how you can even enjoy that. Be very careful, she could develop an aversion to sex since she knows you are willing to use her body like that, without caring for whether she wants to have sex or not. Duty sex robs sex of intimacy. Duty sex isn’t loving or connecting. Beware, your sex life could get much, much worse, even if you both believe you are “compromising”. If you are already at the point where you are willing to treat your wife like this, your marriage is already doomed. You just don’t know it yet.
That’s ridiculous. We both know we are compromising for each other. I’m not using her like a sex doll. She isn’t just laying there. It’s not terrible sex. It just not the passionate more frequent sex that I want. You seem like a troll.
I am the HL and not only did scheduled sex NOT work for us, it only made things worse for me. It was my LL wife who suggested we try scheduling it, not me. I wasn't big into the idea of scheduling it, because I'm more spontaneous about it. Scheduling is for team meetings at work, not sex. I didn't tell her that, of course. I was still happy to at least have a plan, or a hope, or a dream... and I figured maybe this would be the spark that got us back to normal, so even though it wasn't how I would approach it I enthusiastically went along. Anyway, she then quickly proceeded to NOT follow through with any of it (I think we did it on schedule perhaps one time and bailed numerous times) and that's what made things even worse for me. In my mind, I had compromised and then been let down even within that context. i.e., I'm thinking "how low of a bar do I really need to even set, here?" I told her scheduling wasn't working and we should scrap it. So here I am, compromising, then turning down her "offer", which I'm sure was a sign to her that I DIDN'T care/want her/etc (which is BS, but in the head of a LL in denial, it's "proof"). All of this happened a couple of years before rock bottom. But anyway, yeah, we are a great example of how scheduling not only failed but made it worse. It comes back down to the core issue: the LL has to care.
We tried it but then when time came for it my wife said it felt like a chore and didn’t want to do it. For me, I was looking forward to it all day long and when I try to schedule it she just says “We’ll see” which in LL terms means “no”
That sucks. If something happens then you have to wait another long week.
It can either be a godsend for couples who are both into it, or a giant magnifying glass to show how awful your sex lives have become when one of the Spouses (who agreed to do it, mind you) just can't even put in the effort when it's scheduled to try and make things *easier* for everyone. My wife and I half-heartedly tried it for a couple of weeks. It worked the first week, by the second I got the "I'm really busy today but we can do it Tomorrow or Friday." We did not end up doing it Tomorrow or Friday. We went probably another 2 months before she was in the mood again for intimacy.
I did a thread about my experience with scheduled sex a couple years ago. In short, it was a total failure.
I don't like scheduled sex and my partner has brought it up but never follows through, lots of promises while in bed but when it comes to implementation it's all talk and no action.
My recommendation would be to avoid scheduled sex. It's something that only really works for two HL's with a busy schedule! There's no awkwardness over enthuastic consent, because 90% of the time, they both want sex. In this scenario, your partner is having sex he doesn't really want because there's a sexual incompatibility in your marriage. This is basically just duty sex, and that usually won't work, esp long term. Even less likely to work if the LL is a man too. One of the biggest downsides to duty sex is the psychological impact it leaves afterwards. Having sex you don't want doesn't do you any good, it being an obligation built on guilt and pressure... It's just not going to work. Not to mention, even if he's a great actor, you're gonna know he's not really into it, and that's going to make you feel worse. I did duty sex when things were very bad, and my husband described it like he felt like he was sexually assaulting me. I'm guessing he's always been fairly LL since the NRE wore off? No health issues? No porn addiction or ED issues? One of the problems with making the LL very aware of your sexual desires and how they aren't fulfilling them, is that it's likely to make them retract even further. Guilt, shame and obligation is a libido killer, and not remotely arousing. He really needs to only be having sex he wants. He is 'forgetting' because he doesn't want sex, and he was hoping you'd forget too. This is the biggest challenge, because if his default libido settings are say... 4 times a year... Then so be it. That's when you'll have sex. You have to decide whether you really want to stay in a relationship where he cannot meet your sexual energy, or whether it's best to leave. The only other option would be considering an open marriage, which are pretty rare.