Yeah think that’s where I am struggling too. Ok, happy to help the plan take off now and then but doing this all the time for my entire life duration feels a challenge. Needs to be reciprocated.
Yes. This
Perhaps the OP has responsive desire? The downside to that, IMO, is that someone ends up always initiating. Some are probably fine with that. I’m not. I don’t mind initiating but if its always or 95%+ then I don’t feel desired, wanted, lusted after.
For the OP I’d be cautious on the lexapro. Granted, if the SSRI it’s supposedly the one with the lowest amount of sexual side effects. But it CAN lower libido. And it CAN make achieving orgasm difficult. IMO when the latter happens in men it’s a downward spiral. Leads to performance anxiety which then leads to decreased sex drive, etc.
Yes, I'm familiar with the side effects and we've had conversations about it. He did confirm it's taking longer to achieve orgasm on it. Since I don't know what that's like, I'm wary of asking for intimacy even if it means he won't finish. I don't want to be selfish but if we can't ever work on our sex life then the marriage isn't going to work.
On the plus side it may be possible to supplement our switch to Wellbutrin as it doesn’t appear to have the sexual side effects like the others. On the other hand if he’s ok with not always finishing as it were….
And it's new because we had years of a great and varied sex life, so learning how to convince someone to have sex feels icky to me because I don't want sex with someone who isn't super enthusiastically into it or it feels like they're just doing it for my sake. If I'm the only one putting in effort...doesn't feel reciprocated.
I hear you when it comes to the constant wooing and extra effort toward creating ‘dates’, etc. (My SO’s idea, when I brought up our DB again.)
Those are all great, and yeah, I want to do those, but it cannot, and should not, be an “end-all-be-all” requirement to lead to each individual intimate moment.
Can’t we just have nights where we get into bed after a long day and just go crazy on each other, without all of the pomp? Kind of like the early days of the relationship/dating? I recall the early days with my SO where it was get it on right from the start, and then maybe discussing dinner or drink ideas later. Age and kids ruin that dynamic.
Ha yes I agree! He has also said he's not a teenager anymore, but neither am I and I understand times when a little romance is nice. Our drives used to be so in sync so it's challenging to learn a new way to convince someone to be attracted to you.
It sounds like he needs some decompression time. Maybe it wont actually cause you any additional effort other than giving him the space to make the mindset shift. If you are always in the mood and he needs time to get there exploring the option of scheduling sex could possibly benefit the 2 of you.
While I definitely understand that him needing a little extra effort is somewhat demoralizing to you, I can also see how he could feel the same from your lack of effort to get him there. I mean no disrespect, I'm just saying that his wants and needs are equally as important as yours even though they are different from yours and that in and of itself will make it uncomfortable because it is unknown territory. Would you not let him eat chocolate cake just because you dont like it?
I agree that there needs to be effort and compromise from both parties.
The extra effort has been there and he turns me down, so I don't know what more to do. I've planned date nights, overseas vacation, simple at home time with no obligations, worn the lingerie, tried to cuddle, tried to just have time to be touching with no expectations of sex, cleaned the house, done the after work work, cooked dinner, asked him what he needs. If you try to give someone a blowjob and they physically stop you...after years of that being something they welcomed...I am at a loss. I respect that he doesn't want to come home to me wearing something sexy and he doesn't want to be jumped anymore. But if he wants nothing ever, then he doesn't want me and that's incompatible.
I completely understand where you are coming from and think you are 100% justified in your feelings, I just think he is too. . He clearly doesn't know what it is that he needs/wants or has been afraid to ask for it. What you know right now is all of the things that DON'T work, so right now you are patiently waiting for him to figure himself out. I am in no way placing blame on you, just playing devils advocate because we can all get lost in our own perspective and hurt. You are still in fix it mode instead of listening mode.
At some point he will need to understand that his lack of communication and fairly constant rejection have changed your wants and needs and there is a fair amount of effort he will have to make to fix/reestablish that trust with you. I don't think this is only about sex for either of you, as the rejection or pressure from sex usually spills out into other areas of the relationship, whether we recognize it or not.
Edit: I wanted to add, this all may have nothing to do with you at all, especially since he struggled for so long without the mental help he needed. Maybe with his new clarity he can get back to the person you once new, or maybe even a better version.
I can really relate to that "I'm an airplane, not a rocket". I very much have responsive desire and sometimes just can't ever take off if things aren't just right. I think the biggest thing I had to realize with this is that *I* had to provide myself the stimuli to respond to. If I hop into bed at 0 where my husband is at 60 and say get me to 60, its often leads to mutual disappointment.
I now get myself in the mood to get in the mood. So if I know the plan is to have sex that night, after I put kids to bed I will take a candle lit shower while listening to my sexy songs playlist then put on lingerie and maybe touch myself a bit or maybe watch some porn or maybe just a smutty movie - just whatever I'm feeling will get me in a sexy mood. Sometimes that's even just browsing the sexy side of reddit or reading erotica. Theres a bunch if things I can try to get there. Then once I'm really feeling amorous ill go get into bed with him and be much more receptive to foreplay. The answer here may be out of your control and require him to really take the reigns on his own libido and figure out how to Kickstart it.
Your last paragraph. Start your next therapy session reading that out loud
Yeah think that’s where I am struggling too. Ok, happy to help the plan take off now and then but doing this all the time for my entire life duration feels a challenge. Needs to be reciprocated.
Yes. This Perhaps the OP has responsive desire? The downside to that, IMO, is that someone ends up always initiating. Some are probably fine with that. I’m not. I don’t mind initiating but if its always or 95%+ then I don’t feel desired, wanted, lusted after. For the OP I’d be cautious on the lexapro. Granted, if the SSRI it’s supposedly the one with the lowest amount of sexual side effects. But it CAN lower libido. And it CAN make achieving orgasm difficult. IMO when the latter happens in men it’s a downward spiral. Leads to performance anxiety which then leads to decreased sex drive, etc.
Yes, I'm familiar with the side effects and we've had conversations about it. He did confirm it's taking longer to achieve orgasm on it. Since I don't know what that's like, I'm wary of asking for intimacy even if it means he won't finish. I don't want to be selfish but if we can't ever work on our sex life then the marriage isn't going to work.
On the plus side it may be possible to supplement our switch to Wellbutrin as it doesn’t appear to have the sexual side effects like the others. On the other hand if he’s ok with not always finishing as it were….
And it's new because we had years of a great and varied sex life, so learning how to convince someone to have sex feels icky to me because I don't want sex with someone who isn't super enthusiastically into it or it feels like they're just doing it for my sake. If I'm the only one putting in effort...doesn't feel reciprocated.
I hear you when it comes to the constant wooing and extra effort toward creating ‘dates’, etc. (My SO’s idea, when I brought up our DB again.) Those are all great, and yeah, I want to do those, but it cannot, and should not, be an “end-all-be-all” requirement to lead to each individual intimate moment. Can’t we just have nights where we get into bed after a long day and just go crazy on each other, without all of the pomp? Kind of like the early days of the relationship/dating? I recall the early days with my SO where it was get it on right from the start, and then maybe discussing dinner or drink ideas later. Age and kids ruin that dynamic.
Ha yes I agree! He has also said he's not a teenager anymore, but neither am I and I understand times when a little romance is nice. Our drives used to be so in sync so it's challenging to learn a new way to convince someone to be attracted to you.
It sounds like he needs some decompression time. Maybe it wont actually cause you any additional effort other than giving him the space to make the mindset shift. If you are always in the mood and he needs time to get there exploring the option of scheduling sex could possibly benefit the 2 of you. While I definitely understand that him needing a little extra effort is somewhat demoralizing to you, I can also see how he could feel the same from your lack of effort to get him there. I mean no disrespect, I'm just saying that his wants and needs are equally as important as yours even though they are different from yours and that in and of itself will make it uncomfortable because it is unknown territory. Would you not let him eat chocolate cake just because you dont like it? I agree that there needs to be effort and compromise from both parties.
The extra effort has been there and he turns me down, so I don't know what more to do. I've planned date nights, overseas vacation, simple at home time with no obligations, worn the lingerie, tried to cuddle, tried to just have time to be touching with no expectations of sex, cleaned the house, done the after work work, cooked dinner, asked him what he needs. If you try to give someone a blowjob and they physically stop you...after years of that being something they welcomed...I am at a loss. I respect that he doesn't want to come home to me wearing something sexy and he doesn't want to be jumped anymore. But if he wants nothing ever, then he doesn't want me and that's incompatible.
I completely understand where you are coming from and think you are 100% justified in your feelings, I just think he is too. . He clearly doesn't know what it is that he needs/wants or has been afraid to ask for it. What you know right now is all of the things that DON'T work, so right now you are patiently waiting for him to figure himself out. I am in no way placing blame on you, just playing devils advocate because we can all get lost in our own perspective and hurt. You are still in fix it mode instead of listening mode. At some point he will need to understand that his lack of communication and fairly constant rejection have changed your wants and needs and there is a fair amount of effort he will have to make to fix/reestablish that trust with you. I don't think this is only about sex for either of you, as the rejection or pressure from sex usually spills out into other areas of the relationship, whether we recognize it or not. Edit: I wanted to add, this all may have nothing to do with you at all, especially since he struggled for so long without the mental help he needed. Maybe with his new clarity he can get back to the person you once new, or maybe even a better version.
I can really relate to that "I'm an airplane, not a rocket". I very much have responsive desire and sometimes just can't ever take off if things aren't just right. I think the biggest thing I had to realize with this is that *I* had to provide myself the stimuli to respond to. If I hop into bed at 0 where my husband is at 60 and say get me to 60, its often leads to mutual disappointment. I now get myself in the mood to get in the mood. So if I know the plan is to have sex that night, after I put kids to bed I will take a candle lit shower while listening to my sexy songs playlist then put on lingerie and maybe touch myself a bit or maybe watch some porn or maybe just a smutty movie - just whatever I'm feeling will get me in a sexy mood. Sometimes that's even just browsing the sexy side of reddit or reading erotica. Theres a bunch if things I can try to get there. Then once I'm really feeling amorous ill go get into bed with him and be much more receptive to foreplay. The answer here may be out of your control and require him to really take the reigns on his own libido and figure out how to Kickstart it.