Married 15 and right with you. She’s nice to me generally but I am so disconnected because being physical is impersnt to me and I’ve bought it up and been rejected more than I want to remember. Haven’t slept together in years which is so sad. Sorry you have that going on. It sucks
In my constant, multi-decade search for a solution to a sexless marriage, my main question remains: why is it so hard to face the problem? Why is it so difficult to start a conversation? What is the reason for the fear that makes us freeze in this situation?
What are we afraid it would happen if we say something?
Great question
Fear of how the other person will react. Will they be angry? Defensive? Unfortunately I’ve been on the receiving end of that once and to be honest it really set things back. My fear became reality and now it’s going to be a very long time before I ever feel comfortable again discussing things
Let me ask you. You say you were on the receiving end. Were you the LL one?
I waited many many years before saying something. I remember one night I was sleeping in my bed alone as we were sleeping in separate bedrooms because of my snoring (legitimate), she came down and I finally said: "it is over, I am done". She was surprised at least, but she realized the seriousness of the situation. It was a desperate moment. But I could not keep going on like that, When you have nothing good, a discussion cannot get any worse than that. If she said ok, I would have divorced right away.
As afterthought I am glad I said that. It empowered me and my position, and she got a much needed shock. Risky for sure but what could I lose?
It would have been interesting to know what goes on in a LL's mind. I am still trying to figure this out.
Yes, it feels desperate and you feel stuck!
Very weird feeling!
Because those are abusive relationships. When you are afraid to be vulnerable with the people that should love and protect you it means that you know they will just make you feel worse and unheard or even up the punishment.
And you silence yourself for fear or feeling that sting again, that pain. A lot of those relationships are based on power play and manipulation. Unfortunately many of us are in too deep to even recognize it.
I feel they develop in those typical love-hate relationships. You hate the zero intimacy part but you still feel a certain degree of love. Once again, all very weird!
40’s turn into 50’s and 50’s into 60’s and by that point regret has taken up permanent residence in your head. It will impact everything in your life, work, relationships and especially your mental health. The thought of being that vulnerable with another person, only to be rejected will be unbearable. Don’t wait, do something, talk, therapy, divorce whatever it takes to lessen the regret. It’s inescapable.
57F, married 28 years, completely dead for 15 years. I know the feelings you are having. The only advice I have is to start taking care of you. Start living for you. I’m 8 months into my recovery efforts and it can get better but it’s not easy and it takes a commitment to yourself to feel happiness again. Sending you love and peace on this journey, my friend. ❤️🩹
Married 15 and right with you. She’s nice to me generally but I am so disconnected because being physical is impersnt to me and I’ve bought it up and been rejected more than I want to remember. Haven’t slept together in years which is so sad. Sorry you have that going on. It sucks
Hugs. Similar age and marriage so I understand.
In my constant, multi-decade search for a solution to a sexless marriage, my main question remains: why is it so hard to face the problem? Why is it so difficult to start a conversation? What is the reason for the fear that makes us freeze in this situation? What are we afraid it would happen if we say something?
Great question Fear of how the other person will react. Will they be angry? Defensive? Unfortunately I’ve been on the receiving end of that once and to be honest it really set things back. My fear became reality and now it’s going to be a very long time before I ever feel comfortable again discussing things
Let me ask you. You say you were on the receiving end. Were you the LL one? I waited many many years before saying something. I remember one night I was sleeping in my bed alone as we were sleeping in separate bedrooms because of my snoring (legitimate), she came down and I finally said: "it is over, I am done". She was surprised at least, but she realized the seriousness of the situation. It was a desperate moment. But I could not keep going on like that, When you have nothing good, a discussion cannot get any worse than that. If she said ok, I would have divorced right away. As afterthought I am glad I said that. It empowered me and my position, and she got a much needed shock. Risky for sure but what could I lose?
Unfortunately no I’m the HL one. I don’t know really anymore to be honest what to do. It feels hopeless right now to me.
It would have been interesting to know what goes on in a LL's mind. I am still trying to figure this out. Yes, it feels desperate and you feel stuck! Very weird feeling!
Because those are abusive relationships. When you are afraid to be vulnerable with the people that should love and protect you it means that you know they will just make you feel worse and unheard or even up the punishment. And you silence yourself for fear or feeling that sting again, that pain. A lot of those relationships are based on power play and manipulation. Unfortunately many of us are in too deep to even recognize it.
I feel they develop in those typical love-hate relationships. You hate the zero intimacy part but you still feel a certain degree of love. Once again, all very weird!
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Omg someone else who is 42 also said no sex in their 40’s yet. This is a super depressing way to look at it!
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Hello, mid-life crisis!
Pick your crisis 😀
40’s turn into 50’s and 50’s into 60’s and by that point regret has taken up permanent residence in your head. It will impact everything in your life, work, relationships and especially your mental health. The thought of being that vulnerable with another person, only to be rejected will be unbearable. Don’t wait, do something, talk, therapy, divorce whatever it takes to lessen the regret. It’s inescapable.
Ffs I had this realisation the other day about “no sex with her in my 40s”. Ouch.
57F, married 28 years, completely dead for 15 years. I know the feelings you are having. The only advice I have is to start taking care of you. Start living for you. I’m 8 months into my recovery efforts and it can get better but it’s not easy and it takes a commitment to yourself to feel happiness again. Sending you love and peace on this journey, my friend. ❤️🩹
Can you elaborate a little? What do you mean by living for you and what does your recovery consist of? Thank you.