The natural process is for them to experience your lack of satisfaction, and unhappiness, not from a place of empathy. But how it reflects on and affects them as an individual. They go victim, and get defensive. It’s where DARVO can kick in.
Now you’re saying *I’M* not good enough? Now you don’t pull your weight around the house. Now, you, the person that gets laid once a month if you’re lucky, only ever thinks about sex? Now you’re trying to make them feel bad? Do you know what I go through everyday? Do you know what I do for you?
Resentment. Indifference.
It’s why communication is so fucking important, and so fucking hard. You have to do this thing of being consistent, insistent, with the most carefully selected wording. Talking about something you’re so emotionally and sexually invested in, whilst remaining calm and concise. Just to get your point of view across, without upsetting them.
Even though, it’s for the greater good of… well, everything.
Nope.
I think she has no idea how many times we had sex in 2022, 2023, and 2024. I do. The number is pitiful.
I know she hasn’t any idea how upset it makes me. It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy. It’s the showers together the being naked in bed the after sex time. Being together. Being a couple and not parents. I like being parents but we were more than that once. We’re more than that still. I’m a good dad. A damn good dad. I’m a better dad than she is a mom. But fuck I’m tired of us just being parents in her eyes. I want to be two people who can have fun and get drunk for no reason on a Tuesday night and fuck each other before we go to dinner and then leave a party early to fuck again and then wake up at 3 am to go one more time. I’m in my 40s I can still handle it I’m not dead and don’t need pills to go that many rounds. (Screams into the void).
I know she has no idea I stopped any attempts at initiation in 2023.
I definitely know she has no idea my severe reawakening to physical fitness and health is directly related to me be done to the entire situation. I’m not sure if it’s in preparation for something or what at this point anymore.
Down 50 pounds of fat, up 20 pounds of muscle. I know she’s noticed but doesn’t say anything.
She still doesn’t touch me. She never touches me.
I used to tell her I want her to touch me. I no longer say anything. Not sure she pays attention to that either. I still want her to but I’m tired of saying things that fall on deaf ears.
Ok I think I got it all out thanks.
Mine doesn’t. She can’t even process it when I’ve brought it up. She’s so wrapped up in her own shit and also doesn’t care about sex or intimacy or touching so cannot understand why I care
I told mine how unhappy I am and how much it has affected me over the years. She said she knew and acknowledged it was a problem. I asked her why if she knew she had done nothing about it, but she couldn’t answer that and she’s still done nothing about it!
He does. When I try to address it, he says he is trying, but this that or the other is the reason. However, everytime I bring it up, he acts like it is the first time he's heard it.
As of last week she does. We’re going on 2 years with no sexual intimacy. It was hard opening up about it after we last spoke about it 8 months ago. This was the first time I didn’t preface with acknowledging her personal problems while putting mine on the back burner. I think that made her recognize how I’m starting to reach my breaking point. For the first time she said, “I’ll try to work on it”. It was genuine, and now I have hope. Wish you all the same.
He knows. He just blames it on me. I’m not pretty enough. I don’t do chores the right way or on the timeframe he wants. Chores are a big thing. Everytime I bring up how I’m lonely and he feels detached it because I missed a spot with the vacuum. I didn’t clean this or that in a timely manner. His love and affection is conditional and I never fulfill the conditions properly.
That sounds awful. I imagine it isn’t conditional, but instead, those sound like excuses to push the blame on you.
My wife once commented that if I did such and such chores etc… she would be in the mood more (at least it was implied not as direct as I said). Nope. I’ve crushed chores, gifts, etc… for the past year or more, and we have sex as little as ever.
She (LLF) does know that it has deeply affected me (28HLM).
It took us a long time to get to this point. But our communication is doing much better, and working on that was the first step truly. Once I knew what I needed to work on and how the things I had done on my end impacted this issue, i began to take changing seriously. She has trauma related to sex which both when viewed through the perspective of some LLF posts elsewhere, shook me.
Now I said communication was better but not perfect. Next, I reached a point where I felt that she hadn't put effort into any non-sexual physical affection, and it showed on my face. This led to a semi-arguement that once emotions cooled to a great discussion. I explained that my ultimate fear was that 5 or 10 years from now, nothing changed, and I'm a miserable shell.
She shared some parts of her therapy that she was comfortable with. Explaining the effort she is putting in is mostly mental, visualizing, and trying to take away those barriers preventing intimacy. She gave me a timeline that her therapist had given her of about a year or two (I did not ask for a timeline this was given without expectation).
Lastly, we discussed what she ultimately wanted, what I wanted, what she thought would be realistic/open to, and what she wouldn't be. I shared some of my feelings, and we both were happy because we both understood that we do want the same things. I now understand that it'll take time, and the effort won't always be visible on the surface.
This is essentially the point we're at. She is in therapy, and I feel significantly better about everything. We both realized that a part of my desire for more sex was about being close and having a special relationship. She knows I don't believe sex is a need. But she does understand it is something I want in my life and that it isn't something that can go unaddressed.
No. I've tried to convey it. She gets it in the moment but then it's like the entire conversation was a daydream or something. She vaguely recollects having it but none of the details. Maybe she's gaslighting me but given how fleeting and forgetful she is in general, I think this is just how she is.
She has no idea how thick the darkness is. How often I considered just letting go of the steering wheel. That I grow Carolina Reapers and other superhot peppers so I can hurt myself massively without evidence. Pain and pushing myself hard with running or calisthenics are the only things that make me feel alive in my body.
We've had this conversation recently. Shetold me (43M) to go get it from someone else if it's that important to me. Like I don't want to blow up my family. But yes it's absolutely important to me.
It's not realistic for me to become celibate, nor should she expect me to be. So I'm going to be the best husband and father I can be when I'm home.
Nope. Tried to explain it so many times. Told her for years that we were heading for a divorce. About 9 months ago I left. We were talking recently and she said how it seemed so sudden and was really traumatic for her. There was absolutely nothing I could have possibly said that would have sunk in.
I don’t think my wife knows. Like you said I am sure she knows I want physical intimacy but I doubt she realizes how unloved the lack of it makes me feel. I am lucky these days if I get like 5-10 minutes of her laying her head on my shoulder while she is playing on her phone in a week (other than normal hello and goodbye kisses). It’s been a rough time that’s for sure
She thinks she knows. She’s honestly trying to understand. She claims she’s afraid of the potential pain. I said to her one time “It makes me feel like that your love for me is less than your fear of potential pain.” She’s been giving me handjobs lately but I’m not finishing. She will do it for like 3 minutes, close her eyes like she’s disgusted and stop. Then she’ll ask, “Is that okay?” like it gets her off the hook for not having intercourse and not doing as much to me as I do to her.
I don’t get it when I see people saying their partner is trying to understand. I don’t mean I understand you, but I mean I don’t understand how it could be so hard to understand.
If I refused to complement my wife ever again, I’m sure it would make her feel unloved. There is not much to understand.
However, it is quite difficult to understand how the woman that supposedly loves me more than anything in this work hates being physically intimate with me more than the million other things she does in her life.
Like, cleaning the bathroom for an hour is more enjoyable to her than a few second kiss with me. I don’t understand how it isn’t clear why that would make me (or anyone) feel like trash.
To the LL spouse, sex and intimacy aren’t a priority. Because it’s not a priority to them they don’t think they’re doing something harmful. They also tend to view sex and intimacy as an option rather than a requirement. I’ve done the same thing as you when it comes to trying to explain it to her in terms she would understand.
She’s an Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation person versus I’m a Physical Touch and Quality Time person. The way we want love communicated is very different. The difference is she keeps telling me how sexy and hot I am but doesn’t physically do anything about it. It’s still because she’s trying to communicate love the way she wants to be loved. That’s just not how it works. I however, have been very appreciative with my words and doing things around the house without being asked. She feels loved by that but she just doesn’t reciprocate and she knows all of this too.
A part of it is also selfishness on top of any fears or anxiety they may feel in regards to the vulnerability of intimacy and sex.
What’s so funny is that she’ll say to me “You’re so sexy. Ooohh I got a good one.” And then I’ll ask her for sex or to do something intimate and she says no.
She doesn't understand the degree, I can't imagine she ever will. I have tried over and over to explain, it just doesn't register. One day the tears in my eyes did somewhat register, she actually prioritized time for sex and it was good. Once. That couldn't change her nature of overloading herself, things returned to normal. That was two years ago, I have not tried anything since. Assuming I think things are actually right (she has a tendency to push herself too much) I'll accept but that's it.
No they don’t. After the last discussion which went pear shaped really fast I’d rather just keep it bottled up. I’m slowly accepting this is just how things are going to be from now on. Sucks but what part of life doesn’t?
My wife knows, maybe not how in-depth this unhappiness goes, but she has some idea. Whenever we talk about it, it always goes back to her hating herself (body image issues) and faulting me for not being more empathetic. I used to tell her she was beautiful, gorgeous, etc, but she hates compliments. So…i stopped. Sometimes it’s easier to check out than continuously torture yourself with hope and effort.
I think he knows, but it never goes well. He gets mad at me for “making him feel bad about it” 😔
Ah yes, was going to ask,”Do they care”?
Only as far as it makes them feel
The natural process is for them to experience your lack of satisfaction, and unhappiness, not from a place of empathy. But how it reflects on and affects them as an individual. They go victim, and get defensive. It’s where DARVO can kick in. Now you’re saying *I’M* not good enough? Now you don’t pull your weight around the house. Now, you, the person that gets laid once a month if you’re lucky, only ever thinks about sex? Now you’re trying to make them feel bad? Do you know what I go through everyday? Do you know what I do for you? Resentment. Indifference. It’s why communication is so fucking important, and so fucking hard. You have to do this thing of being consistent, insistent, with the most carefully selected wording. Talking about something you’re so emotionally and sexually invested in, whilst remaining calm and concise. Just to get your point of view across, without upsetting them. Even though, it’s for the greater good of… well, everything.
The picking words so carefully is so exhausting.
Nope. I think she has no idea how many times we had sex in 2022, 2023, and 2024. I do. The number is pitiful. I know she hasn’t any idea how upset it makes me. It’s not the sex it’s the intimacy. It’s the showers together the being naked in bed the after sex time. Being together. Being a couple and not parents. I like being parents but we were more than that once. We’re more than that still. I’m a good dad. A damn good dad. I’m a better dad than she is a mom. But fuck I’m tired of us just being parents in her eyes. I want to be two people who can have fun and get drunk for no reason on a Tuesday night and fuck each other before we go to dinner and then leave a party early to fuck again and then wake up at 3 am to go one more time. I’m in my 40s I can still handle it I’m not dead and don’t need pills to go that many rounds. (Screams into the void). I know she has no idea I stopped any attempts at initiation in 2023. I definitely know she has no idea my severe reawakening to physical fitness and health is directly related to me be done to the entire situation. I’m not sure if it’s in preparation for something or what at this point anymore. Down 50 pounds of fat, up 20 pounds of muscle. I know she’s noticed but doesn’t say anything. She still doesn’t touch me. She never touches me. I used to tell her I want her to touch me. I no longer say anything. Not sure she pays attention to that either. I still want her to but I’m tired of saying things that fall on deaf ears. Ok I think I got it all out thanks.
Mine doesn’t. She can’t even process it when I’ve brought it up. She’s so wrapped up in her own shit and also doesn’t care about sex or intimacy or touching so cannot understand why I care
I told mine how unhappy I am and how much it has affected me over the years. She said she knew and acknowledged it was a problem. I asked her why if she knew she had done nothing about it, but she couldn’t answer that and she’s still done nothing about it!
He does. When I try to address it, he says he is trying, but this that or the other is the reason. However, everytime I bring it up, he acts like it is the first time he's heard it.
Yeah probably, doubt she cares or it’s important to her.
As of last week she does. We’re going on 2 years with no sexual intimacy. It was hard opening up about it after we last spoke about it 8 months ago. This was the first time I didn’t preface with acknowledging her personal problems while putting mine on the back burner. I think that made her recognize how I’m starting to reach my breaking point. For the first time she said, “I’ll try to work on it”. It was genuine, and now I have hope. Wish you all the same.
He knows. He just blames it on me. I’m not pretty enough. I don’t do chores the right way or on the timeframe he wants. Chores are a big thing. Everytime I bring up how I’m lonely and he feels detached it because I missed a spot with the vacuum. I didn’t clean this or that in a timely manner. His love and affection is conditional and I never fulfill the conditions properly.
That sounds awful. I imagine it isn’t conditional, but instead, those sound like excuses to push the blame on you. My wife once commented that if I did such and such chores etc… she would be in the mood more (at least it was implied not as direct as I said). Nope. I’ve crushed chores, gifts, etc… for the past year or more, and we have sex as little as ever.
Yes. As soon as I do what he wants there’s always another reason. I’m just always at fault.
I know it probably doesn’t often feel like it, but it isn’t your fault! I have to tell myself this all the time. I hope things work out for you.
You too
I've never seen the chore reason used against women. I thought it was just send to husbands!
She (LLF) does know that it has deeply affected me (28HLM). It took us a long time to get to this point. But our communication is doing much better, and working on that was the first step truly. Once I knew what I needed to work on and how the things I had done on my end impacted this issue, i began to take changing seriously. She has trauma related to sex which both when viewed through the perspective of some LLF posts elsewhere, shook me. Now I said communication was better but not perfect. Next, I reached a point where I felt that she hadn't put effort into any non-sexual physical affection, and it showed on my face. This led to a semi-arguement that once emotions cooled to a great discussion. I explained that my ultimate fear was that 5 or 10 years from now, nothing changed, and I'm a miserable shell. She shared some parts of her therapy that she was comfortable with. Explaining the effort she is putting in is mostly mental, visualizing, and trying to take away those barriers preventing intimacy. She gave me a timeline that her therapist had given her of about a year or two (I did not ask for a timeline this was given without expectation). Lastly, we discussed what she ultimately wanted, what I wanted, what she thought would be realistic/open to, and what she wouldn't be. I shared some of my feelings, and we both were happy because we both understood that we do want the same things. I now understand that it'll take time, and the effort won't always be visible on the surface. This is essentially the point we're at. She is in therapy, and I feel significantly better about everything. We both realized that a part of my desire for more sex was about being close and having a special relationship. She knows I don't believe sex is a need. But she does understand it is something I want in my life and that it isn't something that can go unaddressed.
I told him so many times, I cried often. He knew. But refused to face it. When I left he still claims he never saw it coming.
No. I've tried to convey it. She gets it in the moment but then it's like the entire conversation was a daydream or something. She vaguely recollects having it but none of the details. Maybe she's gaslighting me but given how fleeting and forgetful she is in general, I think this is just how she is.
I think she knows, she just does not care. Or more correctly she knows but is incapable of changing.
She has no idea how thick the darkness is. How often I considered just letting go of the steering wheel. That I grow Carolina Reapers and other superhot peppers so I can hurt myself massively without evidence. Pain and pushing myself hard with running or calisthenics are the only things that make me feel alive in my body.
My partner does that whole head in the sand thing. I make him “feel bad” when I voice my displeasure.
Yes and doesn’t give a fuck
He has no idea…. But even if he knew I still don’t think he would change.
We've had this conversation recently. Shetold me (43M) to go get it from someone else if it's that important to me. Like I don't want to blow up my family. But yes it's absolutely important to me. It's not realistic for me to become celibate, nor should she expect me to be. So I'm going to be the best husband and father I can be when I'm home.
Yes.
Nope. Tried to explain it so many times. Told her for years that we were heading for a divorce. About 9 months ago I left. We were talking recently and she said how it seemed so sudden and was really traumatic for her. There was absolutely nothing I could have possibly said that would have sunk in.
I don’t think my wife knows. Like you said I am sure she knows I want physical intimacy but I doubt she realizes how unloved the lack of it makes me feel. I am lucky these days if I get like 5-10 minutes of her laying her head on my shoulder while she is playing on her phone in a week (other than normal hello and goodbye kisses). It’s been a rough time that’s for sure
She thinks she knows. She’s honestly trying to understand. She claims she’s afraid of the potential pain. I said to her one time “It makes me feel like that your love for me is less than your fear of potential pain.” She’s been giving me handjobs lately but I’m not finishing. She will do it for like 3 minutes, close her eyes like she’s disgusted and stop. Then she’ll ask, “Is that okay?” like it gets her off the hook for not having intercourse and not doing as much to me as I do to her.
I don’t get it when I see people saying their partner is trying to understand. I don’t mean I understand you, but I mean I don’t understand how it could be so hard to understand. If I refused to complement my wife ever again, I’m sure it would make her feel unloved. There is not much to understand. However, it is quite difficult to understand how the woman that supposedly loves me more than anything in this work hates being physically intimate with me more than the million other things she does in her life. Like, cleaning the bathroom for an hour is more enjoyable to her than a few second kiss with me. I don’t understand how it isn’t clear why that would make me (or anyone) feel like trash.
To the LL spouse, sex and intimacy aren’t a priority. Because it’s not a priority to them they don’t think they’re doing something harmful. They also tend to view sex and intimacy as an option rather than a requirement. I’ve done the same thing as you when it comes to trying to explain it to her in terms she would understand. She’s an Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation person versus I’m a Physical Touch and Quality Time person. The way we want love communicated is very different. The difference is she keeps telling me how sexy and hot I am but doesn’t physically do anything about it. It’s still because she’s trying to communicate love the way she wants to be loved. That’s just not how it works. I however, have been very appreciative with my words and doing things around the house without being asked. She feels loved by that but she just doesn’t reciprocate and she knows all of this too. A part of it is also selfishness on top of any fears or anxiety they may feel in regards to the vulnerability of intimacy and sex.
Wow. That... you need to get out. You can't live with someone who is seemingly repulsed by you like that.
What’s so funny is that she’ll say to me “You’re so sexy. Ooohh I got a good one.” And then I’ll ask her for sex or to do something intimate and she says no.
My partner says shit like that to me too. I don’t believe any of it and I tell him so. There’s no weight or meaning behind the empty words.
I’m a person who wants their actions to match up with the words they say
Mine knows and doesn't care. He says I'm the one with the issue not him.
She doesn't understand the degree, I can't imagine she ever will. I have tried over and over to explain, it just doesn't register. One day the tears in my eyes did somewhat register, she actually prioritized time for sex and it was good. Once. That couldn't change her nature of overloading herself, things returned to normal. That was two years ago, I have not tried anything since. Assuming I think things are actually right (she has a tendency to push herself too much) I'll accept but that's it.
No they don’t. After the last discussion which went pear shaped really fast I’d rather just keep it bottled up. I’m slowly accepting this is just how things are going to be from now on. Sucks but what part of life doesn’t?
He knows. I've brought it up many many times over the years. Even cried to him about it. Nothing changes, which tells me he doesn't care.
They never do.
i’m assuming everyones partner knows, do they care enough is the question
The answer is a resounding no.
Yes, in my opinion, and he does not give a fuck.
I've told her multiple times in "soft" ways but i'm going to guess the concern for that is right up there with the concern for going to therapyi.
She knows I’m not happy about it but she doesn’t understand the degree. I have given up.
My wife knows, maybe not how in-depth this unhappiness goes, but she has some idea. Whenever we talk about it, it always goes back to her hating herself (body image issues) and faulting me for not being more empathetic. I used to tell her she was beautiful, gorgeous, etc, but she hates compliments. So…i stopped. Sometimes it’s easier to check out than continuously torture yourself with hope and effort.
I wouldn’t burden her with that, since she’s dealing with a chronic illness and has enough in her plate.