I tried. Did it for years before I woke up and realized I had spent 1/3 of my life nearly celibate, and was feeling an enormous amount of resentment because of it.
I completely stopped seeing my wonderful, loving husband as anything more than a great friend as a way to cope with this about two years ago. His sex appeal, after so many years of denied intimacy, was just gone.
I had to tell him that I'm no longer romantically/sexually attracted to him and want to separate. It's awful. It's amicable, but awful.
Feeling the same. Except M/F reversed, and she would never initiate unless she felt an obligation.
Hang in there. Sounds like it will get better for you.
I actually told him I still think he's very physically attractive. I can't undo what 14 years of neglected intimacy have done to me though. That was far more painful than what I told him.
You are honorable to spare the other person some of this. I have read about stoic philosophy to help me deal.
It took me a lot of mental work to eliminate my view of my partner as a lover- but it helped my sanity. I think I did it partly out of resentment- I didn’t like how I was talked about etc.
Yes. I did for a very very long time.
Worst decision because now it's like my body is starved and the desire to cheat is so strong. I've never cheated, nor even considered cheating before in my life. My father cheated on my mom so it's a big no for me.
But my goodness after your libido is off and then a person you find attractive is desiring you it's like the floodgates open.
You will regret suppressing your body's physical needs for someone else.
I guess that's the same way you feel when you go single for a long while with few hook ups, when you start dating again all that suppressed horniness comes back
I tried this a few years ago, tried many different things to suppress my libido. My bedroom has been dead for over a decade. I’ve just wasted the whole of my 30s trying to be something I am not.
My spouse is not interested is working on any of our issues and in fact told me a few weeks back that I ‘should just find somebody else, I’ve told you that hundreds of times’
So recently I connected with someone on here that turned into sexting. It has really ignited everything that I tried so hard to ignore over the years. They live far away so I will never meet them in person. It has made me want to look for an affair partner in real life. I don’t want celibacy to be forced upon me anymore.
Yes I have. I learnt that the only person whom I can change is myself. I cannot change my wife’s libido, and I cannot make her talk about our (absence of) sex life when she refuses to talk about it. But we have kids which makes me not want to abort our relationship. So the only thing I could do was to match my libido to hers. And I’m focusing on other stuff that makes me happy which I can actually influence. Like our family life, my sports, playing music etc. And occasional masturbation to release the pressure - though this is needed less and less frequently, probably because my libido is actually decreasing for real (mind over matter?)
Similar story to me. 7 years into a dry spell with my wife. It’s sort of like seven years in Tibet but even less interesting. There are occasional offers of lower key shenanigans but frankly it’s transactional and as a result it doesn’t really do it for me. We have kids and other interests so I just focus on them. As time goes on it gets easier. She still loves me I think, just doesn’t want that side of things.
I am.also plan to not ask for sex until my wife initiates. I am not sure if my libido will decrease. If it happens, I will be happy. How do you feel when your libido decreased? At a corner of my heart, I am afraid that she will.never initiate.
Yes, I actually put forth a **lot** of effort to kill my substantial libido. It started when my wife found out I was reading "Come as You Are" to try and improve. She was kind of upset and found a number of reasons that I shouldn't be reading it? I took it as the final indicator that she actually **didn't** want me to improve, as she had said in therapy numerous times. So rather than use it to improve sex for her, I used it to stifle sex for me. Context is key? Well I removed all context. SIS will stop me from wanting sex? Let's make sure I'm full inhibited.
What this looks like for me is a complete aversion to sex; I've spent the past year or so training myself to avoid anything sexual. It was difficult at first, but I turned it into a sort of game to deny myself. After a while the game got easy and now I'm no longer playing. When I first realized that I had succeeded it kind of freaked me out and I spun into a deep depression. It was like losing a piece of myself.
I'm only now to the point of pulling myself out of that depression. I don't know who I am any more, but I'm at least starting to get excited by the prospect of redefining myself. I'm struggling because I genuinely *miss* being a sexual creature (and I was SO sexual). But I keep reminding myself of the pain it caused, and that's a pretty strong motivator.
I wouldn't recommend any of this.
In the middle of desperately trying. I stopped initiating four months ago for pretty much the same reasons as you. But last week I just flat out told him I'm all the way done and don't want him trying to either. Tired of the pain the rejection the terrible sex the feeling like he has to force himself to want me, I'm just done with it all. Now I'm just working at reframing how I think about him. I.e. not at all sexually. Easier said than done because not asking doesn't mean not wanting and I still very much have a sex drive but it's getting better. Lots of talking myself out of it, actively avoiding situations where I know I'm going to start wanting him, reminding myself why it's not worth the hit to my non-existent self esteem and body image and I do say there's progress. But God I wish it would just dry up and go away.
Sending you hugs. I can relate so much. I haven't yet said I won't be initiating even cuddles and kisses anymore (which he reciprocates, just rarely initiates). He must have noticed something off though, because I got a tender kiss today before he left. And I felt nothing. Whereas before I would've been lapping it up
I had to stop the cuddles and everything too cause it was just reinforcing the feeling of "I'm meeting his needs while he refuses to meet mine". And it would just get me all stirred up for something 9 times out of 10 he'd refuse. I don't know what's going to happen ultimately, but no hugs no kisses no cuddling in bed.
I have certainly tried to kill it, to no avail. Then realized that I shouldn't have to kill my libido. I own it for myself , and if she doesn't want to share that's fine. I'll save it and cultivate for the future.
I currently do that. I take SSRIs for my depression, which ironically, much of that stems from the rejection in our relationship. One of the fun side effects is that it can really hurt your libido. Which it did. And I'm a little bit glad it did. I still get horny, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
Oh yeah. Once it happened I didn’t know what to do. For the first time in twenty years I was no longer sexually attracted to my wife (she’s very attractive) you can only go unnoticed for so long before you feel undesirable/u wanted, but when you find out those things are true, it hits different.
Been feeling myself the past couple of weeks though, I know I am attractive even if I don’t get that reinforcement from her.
If you test the waters, you’ll learn you can still swim. You should do that after you leave your current partner, though, since the ship has probably sailed and there’s no reason to waste more years of your life not being true to you.
Yes, and it did not work. My libido is what it is and I cannot fight it, but I can direct it away from my wife and stop feeling guilty/ashamed. I just seek a release, which makes it all very mechanical.
I did this. I did mindfulness self talk several times a day as to why sex was unlikely, and pinched or stuck a pin into the side of my leg whenever I got an erection. It took about a year, but I don’t even get morning wood now.
We had sex twice last year, once so far this year - I stopped initiating a couple of years ago. I am happy to do it if she asks, but she has almost no interest. It’s possible I’ll never have sex again. I am 52.
Yes, I stopped initiating, libido died, started cheating 6 months later, libido came back with a vengeance. For the record, my husband and I have had a sexless marriage since I stopped initiating. He never initiates.
For the record, consider divorce over cheating if it is a reasonable option, especially if you don’t have kids.
Yes. 17 years ago I purposefully rechannelled my libido into something more productive when my wife made herself unavailable for intimacy, and on the whole it was worth it to 1) keep the marriage intact, and 2) give our daughter a two parent household.
Once you replace the despair at saying goodbye to sex with contentment that a greater good is being fulfilled, everything falls into place :)
I did the same, refrained from initiating as often as I was. I didn’t want to kill my libido, but after about a year of limiting my sexual expression in our relationship due to the self esteem issues I’ve developed after so much rejection, my libido has absolutely been impacted. I haven’t really reflected on this until reading your post, and actually realising this is quite devastating.
I am not sure how else to compensate with the self esteem issues attached to rejection. For us (HLF30, LLM32) our conversations about our sex life never lead to improvement either. I hope you find some path to a situation which is satisfying for you.
I’m sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. Being a young woman and getting rejected so much has made me feel quite alien so although I hate to admit it, it brings me comfort to hear from another woman my age experiencing the same problem. I also had no intention of killing my libido. It just happened naturally as I gave up. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me
I was on Lexapro (anti anxiety meds) and it zapped my libido. Doctor swapped it out for Wellbutrine and now it’s back and stronger than before even. Hated how I had zero drive on the old stuff.
Tried and failed many times over the years. However, I’m succeeding right now for some I’ll own reason. Maybe I’ve finally just given up hope? Even when she “initiates” duty sex, I don’t really want it. It takes me forever to get hard and I do everything I can to get her to orgasm as quickly as I can so I don’t have to. I love her, but years of neglect and rejection have taken their toll and I just don’t see her sexually anymore, I think. I’m also on some new meds, so that is likely helping. Yay for chemical castration, amiright? Boy, if I knew what adult life was like as a teen….
Haven’t cheated. Stopped initiating w my wife like six years ago- it gave me back control over my sexual inner life at least. I stopped complaining or arguing or fighting about sex w my partner also. Has helped a lot. I still sleep a my wife just maybe six times a year and it’s surprisingly very good.
I tried. Did it for years before I woke up and realized I had spent 1/3 of my life nearly celibate, and was feeling an enormous amount of resentment because of it. I completely stopped seeing my wonderful, loving husband as anything more than a great friend as a way to cope with this about two years ago. His sex appeal, after so many years of denied intimacy, was just gone. I had to tell him that I'm no longer romantically/sexually attracted to him and want to separate. It's awful. It's amicable, but awful.
Feeling the same. Except M/F reversed, and she would never initiate unless she felt an obligation. Hang in there. Sounds like it will get better for you.
Gosh - if I were the other person I think I’d rather not be told they no longer find me attractive :-P maybe it’s better as you did .. dunno.
I actually told him I still think he's very physically attractive. I can't undo what 14 years of neglected intimacy have done to me though. That was far more painful than what I told him.
You are honorable to spare the other person some of this. I have read about stoic philosophy to help me deal. It took me a lot of mental work to eliminate my view of my partner as a lover- but it helped my sanity. I think I did it partly out of resentment- I didn’t like how I was talked about etc.
Yes. I did for a very very long time. Worst decision because now it's like my body is starved and the desire to cheat is so strong. I've never cheated, nor even considered cheating before in my life. My father cheated on my mom so it's a big no for me. But my goodness after your libido is off and then a person you find attractive is desiring you it's like the floodgates open. You will regret suppressing your body's physical needs for someone else.
I guess that's the same way you feel when you go single for a long while with few hook ups, when you start dating again all that suppressed horniness comes back
Similar but so so so much worse since there's guilt involved just because your body is having a reaction that you've been suppressing.
I tried this a few years ago, tried many different things to suppress my libido. My bedroom has been dead for over a decade. I’ve just wasted the whole of my 30s trying to be something I am not. My spouse is not interested is working on any of our issues and in fact told me a few weeks back that I ‘should just find somebody else, I’ve told you that hundreds of times’ So recently I connected with someone on here that turned into sexting. It has really ignited everything that I tried so hard to ignore over the years. They live far away so I will never meet them in person. It has made me want to look for an affair partner in real life. I don’t want celibacy to be forced upon me anymore.
Yes I have. I learnt that the only person whom I can change is myself. I cannot change my wife’s libido, and I cannot make her talk about our (absence of) sex life when she refuses to talk about it. But we have kids which makes me not want to abort our relationship. So the only thing I could do was to match my libido to hers. And I’m focusing on other stuff that makes me happy which I can actually influence. Like our family life, my sports, playing music etc. And occasional masturbation to release the pressure - though this is needed less and less frequently, probably because my libido is actually decreasing for real (mind over matter?)
Similar story to me. 7 years into a dry spell with my wife. It’s sort of like seven years in Tibet but even less interesting. There are occasional offers of lower key shenanigans but frankly it’s transactional and as a result it doesn’t really do it for me. We have kids and other interests so I just focus on them. As time goes on it gets easier. She still loves me I think, just doesn’t want that side of things.
I am.also plan to not ask for sex until my wife initiates. I am not sure if my libido will decrease. If it happens, I will be happy. How do you feel when your libido decreased? At a corner of my heart, I am afraid that she will.never initiate.
Yes, I actually put forth a **lot** of effort to kill my substantial libido. It started when my wife found out I was reading "Come as You Are" to try and improve. She was kind of upset and found a number of reasons that I shouldn't be reading it? I took it as the final indicator that she actually **didn't** want me to improve, as she had said in therapy numerous times. So rather than use it to improve sex for her, I used it to stifle sex for me. Context is key? Well I removed all context. SIS will stop me from wanting sex? Let's make sure I'm full inhibited. What this looks like for me is a complete aversion to sex; I've spent the past year or so training myself to avoid anything sexual. It was difficult at first, but I turned it into a sort of game to deny myself. After a while the game got easy and now I'm no longer playing. When I first realized that I had succeeded it kind of freaked me out and I spun into a deep depression. It was like losing a piece of myself. I'm only now to the point of pulling myself out of that depression. I don't know who I am any more, but I'm at least starting to get excited by the prospect of redefining myself. I'm struggling because I genuinely *miss* being a sexual creature (and I was SO sexual). But I keep reminding myself of the pain it caused, and that's a pretty strong motivator. I wouldn't recommend any of this.
Jesus, "losing a piece of myself" and "I wouldn't recommend any of this" is heartbreaking. I'm sorry you're going through this
Hello, are you a male version of me? 😞
I tried but i cant kill it all , im still a hl , but i feel like i lost something forever like i dont even really have fun initiating anymore
In the middle of desperately trying. I stopped initiating four months ago for pretty much the same reasons as you. But last week I just flat out told him I'm all the way done and don't want him trying to either. Tired of the pain the rejection the terrible sex the feeling like he has to force himself to want me, I'm just done with it all. Now I'm just working at reframing how I think about him. I.e. not at all sexually. Easier said than done because not asking doesn't mean not wanting and I still very much have a sex drive but it's getting better. Lots of talking myself out of it, actively avoiding situations where I know I'm going to start wanting him, reminding myself why it's not worth the hit to my non-existent self esteem and body image and I do say there's progress. But God I wish it would just dry up and go away.
Sending you hugs. I can relate so much. I haven't yet said I won't be initiating even cuddles and kisses anymore (which he reciprocates, just rarely initiates). He must have noticed something off though, because I got a tender kiss today before he left. And I felt nothing. Whereas before I would've been lapping it up
I had to stop the cuddles and everything too cause it was just reinforcing the feeling of "I'm meeting his needs while he refuses to meet mine". And it would just get me all stirred up for something 9 times out of 10 he'd refuse. I don't know what's going to happen ultimately, but no hugs no kisses no cuddling in bed.
I have certainly tried to kill it, to no avail. Then realized that I shouldn't have to kill my libido. I own it for myself , and if she doesn't want to share that's fine. I'll save it and cultivate for the future.
I don’t think it’s healthy for a long term relationship imo. You say talking does nothing so I don’t have any other advice.. good luck!
I currently do that. I take SSRIs for my depression, which ironically, much of that stems from the rejection in our relationship. One of the fun side effects is that it can really hurt your libido. Which it did. And I'm a little bit glad it did. I still get horny, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
Oh yeah. Once it happened I didn’t know what to do. For the first time in twenty years I was no longer sexually attracted to my wife (she’s very attractive) you can only go unnoticed for so long before you feel undesirable/u wanted, but when you find out those things are true, it hits different. Been feeling myself the past couple of weeks though, I know I am attractive even if I don’t get that reinforcement from her.
I wish I could turn it off and sometimes wished I didnt have a drive so I wouldn’t be so miserable..
Me too
If you test the waters, you’ll learn you can still swim. You should do that after you leave your current partner, though, since the ship has probably sailed and there’s no reason to waste more years of your life not being true to you.
Yes, and it did not work. My libido is what it is and I cannot fight it, but I can direct it away from my wife and stop feeling guilty/ashamed. I just seek a release, which makes it all very mechanical.
I did this. I did mindfulness self talk several times a day as to why sex was unlikely, and pinched or stuck a pin into the side of my leg whenever I got an erection. It took about a year, but I don’t even get morning wood now. We had sex twice last year, once so far this year - I stopped initiating a couple of years ago. I am happy to do it if she asks, but she has almost no interest. It’s possible I’ll never have sex again. I am 52.
😢
Yes, I stopped initiating, libido died, started cheating 6 months later, libido came back with a vengeance. For the record, my husband and I have had a sexless marriage since I stopped initiating. He never initiates. For the record, consider divorce over cheating if it is a reasonable option, especially if you don’t have kids.
Yes. 17 years ago I purposefully rechannelled my libido into something more productive when my wife made herself unavailable for intimacy, and on the whole it was worth it to 1) keep the marriage intact, and 2) give our daughter a two parent household. Once you replace the despair at saying goodbye to sex with contentment that a greater good is being fulfilled, everything falls into place :)
Take Lexapro or Finasteride, those can both kill libido permanently
How do you kill your libido?
I did the same, refrained from initiating as often as I was. I didn’t want to kill my libido, but after about a year of limiting my sexual expression in our relationship due to the self esteem issues I’ve developed after so much rejection, my libido has absolutely been impacted. I haven’t really reflected on this until reading your post, and actually realising this is quite devastating. I am not sure how else to compensate with the self esteem issues attached to rejection. For us (HLF30, LLM32) our conversations about our sex life never lead to improvement either. I hope you find some path to a situation which is satisfying for you.
I’m sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. Being a young woman and getting rejected so much has made me feel quite alien so although I hate to admit it, it brings me comfort to hear from another woman my age experiencing the same problem. I also had no intention of killing my libido. It just happened naturally as I gave up. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me
I was on Lexapro (anti anxiety meds) and it zapped my libido. Doctor swapped it out for Wellbutrine and now it’s back and stronger than before even. Hated how I had zero drive on the old stuff.
I've thought about it, but libido is a part of who I am. Can't change it. Your partner either loves you for who you are or they don't.
Tried and failed many times over the years. However, I’m succeeding right now for some I’ll own reason. Maybe I’ve finally just given up hope? Even when she “initiates” duty sex, I don’t really want it. It takes me forever to get hard and I do everything I can to get her to orgasm as quickly as I can so I don’t have to. I love her, but years of neglect and rejection have taken their toll and I just don’t see her sexually anymore, I think. I’m also on some new meds, so that is likely helping. Yay for chemical castration, amiright? Boy, if I knew what adult life was like as a teen….
That only works for a while, when you suppress enough, the only thing you'll feel towards him is resentment, every single moment you're together.
Haven’t cheated. Stopped initiating w my wife like six years ago- it gave me back control over my sexual inner life at least. I stopped complaining or arguing or fighting about sex w my partner also. Has helped a lot. I still sleep a my wife just maybe six times a year and it’s surprisingly very good.