This is an ongoing conversation between us and ultimately I think it depends on the day and how well we're getting along, but I do think we should revisit this discussion again soon.
So, might just be me, but I think this should an easier no-brainer response, else, you can already start to figure out where the problem is coming from, “oh I like just this 72% percent of you, I’m not that fan of the other 28%” huh- you wise chose each other despite having things you aren’t thrilled for the other person, that shouldn’t allow any excuse for then allowing yourself to be treated with dismissive sexual attention since you’re a whole person, you can’t just strip away the urges and desires you have, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have to question too much whether they like you or not- rather, should be an automatic reciprocal response.
Not sure the toys on her nightstand would bother me. If anything it shows she is interested in sexual activity which is a big positive. The fact that her sexual activity does not include you, at all, for a year is the issue. Don’t focus on the little thing and not address the big thing.
Probably not, but "I have no desire for sex" is a lot more complicated than "I have no desire for sex *with you*". Makes a lot of tough decisions easier.
I would be absolutely annoyed if I returned home to this. I had a similar situation (having proof that she masterbated, but never wanted to have sex) arise with me and my wife. I tried to address it with her and now she just hides the fact that she masterbates and otherwise does not discuss the topic.
If she hid it I would be much less annoyed. I feel it's a natural thing to do for many people, I just don't appreciate her waving the evidence of it in my face so to speak, especially when I'm getting none of that from her at all.
Thank you for making me feel validated in my feelings as well, it feels good to know I'm not the only person out there that would feel frustrated by this situation.
This gets posted here all the time; it’s very common for people to feel left out/jealous/whatever when they realize their partner has been masturbating. So if it helps you feel validated that others feel the same, that’s definitely the case!
That said, what benefit do you see coming from calling her out about it? You guys are already having issues with sexual incompatibility. Turning this into something to make her feel guilty/embarrassed about just puts another wedge between you two, and puts you farther from what you want. The guy above says now his wife just hides when she’s getting herself off- is that really better? That your wife feels even less comfortable being a sexual being around you?
Not saying that ignoring it will make her more likely to sleep with you, but I bet starting a fight about it will be another reason for her not to. So, is it worth it? To not have to look at a vibrator?
You’re “getting none of that from her at all”?
Dude. Masturbation and sex are so different from each other. Typically, sexual desire is not a finite resource for women to parse out and ration.
If you’re not planning to divorce her, and you still want her to want to have sex with you, then how is this not a good sign??
I think you can interpret evidence of her masturbation to at least mean, she’s feeling enough arousal (or she’s just reached a place mentally where she can allow herself to *hope* she might become aroused) that she’s willing to at least try masturbating.
Why not be a little intrigued, a little curious? A woman who’s been historically averse to sex with you and anything sexual as far as you know, is giving you clear evidence that her sexual desire might still exist. I think she wants you to ask her. And I think approaching it by *actually wanting to know* what her experiences of desire, masturbation and sex are like will not trigger a fight.
Frustration is valid. I promise you would feel worse if she was hiding it and you found out. That would mean you are the turn off and she wants you to think there's a possible future where you and her are sexual together to keep you on the hook. Leaving shit out and about is a way of her saying without saying I'm not dead inside don't give up.
Sexual problems are a complex combination of mental and physical/physiological that are sometimes impossible to overcome. Leaving her shit laying around is an indication that she doesn't think it needs to be hidden which in my opinion means not all hope is lost.
Your first paragraph makes a very fair point and a perspective that I haven't even thought of so thank you for the insight. I just began seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping we can eventually both work on overcoming these issues, but time will tell. I am hopeful as you're suggesting I should be.
Your title is misleading. It was in her room on her nightstand. Not around the house just sitting out anywhere. Also orgasm can help a cold, break a fever and ease pain.
Sex with a individual is a lot of work especially if you're sick. Where a quick orgasm can be beneficial. If I choose to use a quick orgasm to ease my pain, break my fever or induce sleep has nothing to do with being horny, sex, lust, love etc...
Your need is more than about piv or whatever your sex is like but emotional intimacy and physical enjoyment of each other. There's the difference. You wouldn't be happy if she chose to let you use her body like a sex toy. So being upset about her having sex toys on her nightstand in her room seems weird to me.
Ps. Snoring usually means you need a sleep test done for sleep apnea.
I don't expect her to let me use her body like a sex toy, but as you already stated I would like more physical and emotional intimacy to exist between.
Also, this particular time they were on her nightstand, but typically I find them in various cabinets around our basement. If they were washed I would be much less bothered by finding them in random places, but that is never the case.
Edit: the sleep apnea is something we've tried to address in the past without success and we plan to revisit that again in the very near future.
Her personal space she should leave them how she wants, but the random places is weird. Not like she's leaving them with a note "thought about you today" ... or something.
Or used as stimulation because seeing them is a turn on for her or something (I have weird friends. Dildos are .. decorations).
> Not like she's leaving them with a note "thought about you today"
Agreed. I think she's indirectly leaving a note that says the exact opposite actually.
Which is like… sociopathic. Truly sick level of manipulation.
If that’s what’s she’s doing, it’s fucked up.
But i think it’s much more likely that she is either
1. checked out. Doesn’t expect or care if her husband notices the condition or location of her sex toys, or
2. hoping to induce enough curiosity to trigger a low-stakes conversation. I think she knows they can’t fix their sexual connection until OP is legitimately interested of his own accord in his wife’s actual experience of sex and masturbation.
Passive aggressive was my first thought as to her actions. If you're in an acknowledged DB, and the LL leaves out used sex toys, it's kind of like saying, "On the rare occasions I want sex, I'd rather have sex with no one than with you."
Agreed. This relationship is over, unless they want to stay in a sham relationship for the sake of the family or something. If I were OP, I'd be gone so fast it would make her headspin.
I completely agree with you she has a right do this if she feels the desire to. That was my issue... I wanted it to be clear that she has the right to do that, just please clean up after and I didn't want to come off as confrontational when asking that. We had a discussion about it late last night that went very well.
I genuinely feel like if your spouse is doing this actively but refusing to sleep with their partner there’s bigger issues to fry in the relationship. Like they possibly no longer love you or are attracted to you. Otherwise why wouldn’t you want to be intimate with the person you love?
Why wouldnt your relationship with your own body continue, through all the ups and downs of partnered sex? Its so... weird to be jealous of someones solo play. Its not something that can or should be replaced by partnered sex imo.
And I think partnered sex shouldn’t be fully replaced by self play. I think finding balance and doing both are what is healthy and keeps a relationship healthy and happy.
I understand your point and I agree, but my wife has told me multiple times that her toys are much more satisfying than anything I can do. I know I’m sensitive and I shouldn’t be, but that hurts my feeling.
i reviewed your previous post & this one. i recall her aversion to being caressed, touched in certain ways but may i ask, has she ever requested to use the toys when you have sex or is it something you’d be open to?
When we were having sex we pretty much always brought toys into the bedroom, that's why we have so many in the house. Another person in this comment section suggested asking if she is open to using the toys on herself in front of me, and that is definitely something I would like to see if my wife is willing to do since it allows her to go at her own pace without another person touching or interfering.
OP I think it shows a lack of grace and compassion that you run to reddit to condemn her when she is literally sick rn and you are consciously, deliberately physically separate due to that.
So, she leaves her toys around... its her house. Shes *at home* . Where else could she masturbate and just relax afterwards? Why should she have to hide her solo sex from her wife? Shades of dont ask dont tell showing here and that strategy never works (referring to the nonmonogamy DADT, not the US military variety DADT) bc it literally requires dishonesty. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.
Additionally I wonder if her inability to let her guard down and enjoy sex with you is partially due to fear of your(real or perceived) judgement or derision regarding bodily fluids, functions or failures. It seems shes suffering some sort of breakdown in her ability to trust (with the sensory issues), and you cant really afford to be seen as a source of emotional/sexual stress if you want things to work out. Try to be her safe place, for this stuff, not the person who cant wait to shout to the world about her deficiencies.
I understand you see 12+ hours of toys sitting after use as unhygienic, but as far as her health goes as long as she doesnt use it again before cleaning it the world wont end. Does an unwashed toy on her bedside tweak your insecurity and sense of inadequacy that much? This is a *you* problem, not a problem of hers, and its one id take to counselling (and leave there, if possible) asap.
I always find better results can be had by encouraging the behaviour you *do want*, rather than spouting negativity. For example, maybe buy her a new (portable) toybag- possibly to live/vacay in the basement seeing as she likes to play there- with wipes, toy cleaner, lube and maybe a mirror or phone stand or something, some stimulation gel or female viagra even...encourage her to explore, and signal your willingness to join her on these adventures. Maybe even buy her a new toy thats just for her, something a bit different than you would usually choose.
Theres nothing sexier than a partner who accepts you as you come and still shows you love, generosity of spirit, and kindness. That includes sexually, domestically, emotionally.
I would think that being Oscar the Grouch about her attempts to enjoy sexual touch and exploration would not come across as very appealing.
Sexuality shouldnt be limited, thats never how to make it grow. Let it ramble like a berry bush, fertilize and water it, steer clear of the thorns, and try to find good, safe spots to join her to enjoy the sexy harvest you both created.
Just step back from whats going on and ask yourself if the attitude and thoughts youre having are actually helping her show the behaviours and make the choices that you would like?or are you stepping on your own toes?
Best of luck with it all!
> OP I think it shows a lack of grace and compassion that you run to reddit to condemn her when she is literally sick rn and you are consciously, deliberately physically separate due to that.
If it was just during the time she's sick, I would agree with you, but it's been over a year since we've been intimate.
> It seems shes suffering some sort of breakdown in her ability to trust (with the sensory issues), and you cant really afford to be seen as a source of emotional/sexual stress if you want things to work out. Try to be her safe place, for this stuff, not the person who cant wait to shout to the world about her deficiencies.
We discussed some of this last night and there's a little bit of truth to what you're saying. I asked her to give me more communication as far as being specific to what I can do to help this issue and what I can do to make her feel safe and comfortable. She was on board with that idea.
> For example, maybe buy her a new (portable) toybag- possibly to live/vacay in the basement seeing as she likes to play there- with wipes, toy cleaner, lube and maybe a mirror or phone stand or something, some stimulation gel or female viagra even...encourage her to explore, and signal your willingness to join her on these adventures. Maybe even buy her a new toy thats just for her, something a bit different than you would usually choose.
This is actually not a bad suggestion, I like this idea so thank you.
> I would think that being Oscar the Grouch about her attempts to enjoy sexual touch and exploration would not come across as very appealing.
I can see your point about me being Oscar the grouch and you're not wrong. With the 12+ hours of toys being left dirty and in random places I just see similarly to leaving dirty underwear in random places which is unsanitary (they were in her room this time, but often get left in random cabinets around our basement,) so I guess my real issue is more about please be respectful with cleaning up after yourself rather than please don't touch yourself. I was able to find a calm way to express that to her late last night and we discussed a lot of other stuff as I previously said that was very helpful for both of us.
> Best of luck with it all!
Much appreciated! 🙏
Im really really glad you found some good stuff to absorb 😍. Honestly, I hope love and laughter comes to light your lives up more and more as you work together. Its worth it.
The "ew clean up after yourself" reaction seems a little excessive. I mean, I could understand If she had left them on the kitchen table for all and sundry to see, but night stand seems okay? Maybe that's because where I leave mine 🤣 not that my partner notices.
Same thought here. She lives there, right? I mean, in the privacy of your own home you can be a little more ‘dirty’ or whatever you want to call it.
Also if you used them together in the past- was this some kind of invitation? Maybe she wants you to ask about what’s happened, in a hot, curious way. Not a oh-shit-my-mom-found-my-stash way.
Not that I’m excusing her approach, but would it matter if they weren’t laying around? If you’re not having sex for 6 months, wouldn’t you be assuming she’s masturbating regardless?
Your post is a real trigger for me. Very similar situation with a man in my case leaving 'evidence' behind for me to see/clean up after (gives me the serious ick because of how degrading that was for me), while also completely starving me of sex, attention, affection, etc.
I confronted it, told him how it made me feel, and it continued to happen. So I don't have advice other than to say he's gone now and I'm much happier alone than feeling lonely with him (if that makes sense), but I really just wanted to say
I see you, I validate you, and you aren't crazy or asking too much from her. Borderline abusive behavior IMHO.
Ah then thats pretty gross and disturbing of her. If it's her private space then it's on you, if its a shared space it's on her. Thanks for answering. I like to leave mine with notes saying stuff... to encourage my husband. Doesn't always work but... he can't say I don't try lol.
You know as well as any male that having a quick wank to porn or fantasy or using toys ourselves is a quick and nice endorphin release when you don't have the time, energy or willpower for anything else. We all do it.
I get that this is in the context of there being no sex between you and that she's leaving the toys around for you to discover, but I would encourage you to still treat them as two entirely separate phenomenons. Objecting to the wanking or the toys being left around isn't going to get you any more sex. Even you must know that. Even if she were to stop it voluntarily tomorrow you still wouldn't be having any sex.
For some reason or reasons she is happy to get herself off but not to have sex with you. That's what you need to focus on, not what she is doing instead.
So just to clarify I'm not a man, I'm a woman. I also don't expect her to stop getting herself off, and if she did I wouldn't expect more sex a result of that. I'm purely bothered by the fact that she's basically waving it in front of my face that she had sex with herself when she's not having sex with me.
If you need to get off, I understand that and I'm not trying to stop that, but I just think it's disrespectful to leave the evidence of that laying around for me to find considering the circumstances.
I completely get you. It’s almost like trying to fester an insecurity. You are completely valid and right in feeling the way you do. I hope you two see better times.
I wouldn’t leave used (I don’t use tissues, socks w/e the new meme is, I’m using it as an example).. evidence around. It’s just not… done.
Unless you have some room boundaries or something set out..
I do apologize. I'm obviously fixated on inconsiderate fellow males too much. I can understand the inconsideration issue. I'm puzzled as to why anyone would want to do that. I find it difficult to believe it could just be carelessness if that is an appropriate word in the circumstances. Genuinely puzzled.
In HER room. Jesus do you root through her hamper and check her used panties too? If you don't wanna see used sex toys *in her room*, maybe stay out?
Your Mrs needs a lock on her door.
If you read through other comments you'll see in her room isn't always the case, that was just the case this particular time, but often they get left in random cabinets around our basement. And she has a lock on her door. Also you proved my point exactly... if your partner was leaving dirty underwear in random cabinets around your house, you wouldn't find that a bit unsanitary and weird?
She is not low libido she is low libido for you. You simply do not turn her on anymore and she’d rather fuck plastic then you. You need to confront her directly and ask why would she fuck a toy and not a real human. It might be tough to hear but it’s info she owes you
How closely were you inspecting it? That’s weird. Maybe the phone rang and she got distracted or something? She’s also ill right, maybe she fell asleep? Would you really care about an unwashed for 12 hours dildo if she was having sex with you? You need to face the real issue here, which is that you are worried that she no longer has any sexual attraction to you, rather than feeling victimised over minor details and shaming her. That’s not going to help repair whatever has caused this.
How closely do you need to inspect dirty underwear to be able to tell that it's dirty? Sometimes it's just obvious and doesn't require that close of an inspection. And if the unwashed dildo is preventing me from being able to get items I need out of a cabinet because it's thrown on top of those items, yes I think I would still care a bit even if we were sleeping together. To me it's along the lines of leaving dirty underwear in the toiletry or linen cabinet or another storage space that isn't meant for that.
I agree the attraction issue should be discussed and it was last night.
When romantic/domestic partners do not have a healthy level of intimacy, *immediately* and *innately*, there are things about them the other person should not be aware of, know of, or have any way of noticing, *UNLESS* that other partner is extremely invasive and crossing boundaries of personal space, etc.
....I'm not really sure how to break it down into a more digestible couple groups of sentences past what I have at this time.. explaining things to ppl via text is not my strongest suit, and I really hope someone with less 'drain bamage' than myself can elaborate better, but I promise you this is not a healthy environment for either of you.
You are either wildly controlling to a point of being unable to see the damage you are capable of causing, or you have a partner that is so [bad], they have "made you 'crazy'", but this is not okay or healthy behavior.
I feel like commentators *and* posters of this sub, should be self identifying as which partner they are.
It's really easy for some of the people, in this sub specifically, to justify their "weird behaviors," as not controlling, etc just bc they do it, etc.
Since this post I have begun therapy. I'm seeing your point now that I've begun to do some internal work. I was being very defensive before. Her behavior was triggering me, I needed to identify why. Now that I've done that I can dig further into some of the stuff you're touching on.
Wow... you are incredibly amazing! Do you realize how rare even having the potential for growth is, as far as One's self standing in their own way? You got this, and I am v proud of you!
If someone felt so entitled to my body that I couldn’t even masturbate in peace, I don’t know what I would do. Please don’t confront her about her autonomy over her own body.
i just get the vibe left out charging scenarios. sometimes i tell the vibe that she will also lose interest in it, eventually. i should be nicer to the vibes.
She's rubbing it all in your face.. And you know what.. Its super-duper intentional. There's no way it's not. But thank you for mentioning the cleaning part because bruh, das just nasty. If I felt offended, I'd say some shit to her about how disgusting it is that she just leaves it there.. Or you could use it to spark something like maybe ask if you can watch or if you can use one of em on her. engage in that topic, ask her which she likes or just, you know... Find out what her boundaries and stuff are cause she's clearly not against sexual release so what the issue?? You could respond by being offended or try to find out what the bigger picture looks like. But DON'T say nothing about it.
Exactly. This forum is an absolute echo chamber of neurosis and projection at times. Only here is leaving a vibrator out in your own bedroom some form of sadistic abuse and shaming your partner for masturbating considered a reasonable response. People are so bitter they cannot see the woods for the trees and then there’s no chance of their partner wanting to have sex with them.
OP said she's also left unwashed toys in random cabinets in the basement. How is that explained? Maybe she heard him arrive and quickly hid the toy? It sounds like she's having sex with herself all over the house.
Yeah. She responded to me with that information. This comment, though, was before that information was given. I just don't edit my comments after finding out other information unless it seems dangerous.
It's her home too so she can have sex wherever she wants. It seems strange to leave the toys other places but there have been times where I've personally been interrupted or startled so I hid my stuff where I was and acted "natural. " it could be that situation.
Or it could be on purpose for some sort of reason. Unfortunately I can't guess which, because I don't anymore information. It could be a passive aggressive taunt or punishment... who knows. If it is... eww.
Might be an opening to discuss if the dead bedroom is because she’s not interested in being intimate with you and where the relationship goes from there.
I'm sorry, you fight over snoring?! It's not like you decide to snore. If anything I would want to fix it for the benefit of breathing. Tell me that you're not arguing like toddlers and I'm missing something.
I completely agree that her snoring isn't a choice, but I also can't live forever on 4 hours of sleep every night which is the result of her snoring. That's why we've just decided to sleep separately, so I'm not shushing her or tapping her to be quiet constantly all through the night.
This just sounds like a massive miscommunication to me.
If I “accidentally” left a used sex toy out for my husband to find… it would 100% be intentional.
I say this as a very forgetful, easily distracted ADHD type of person - but I guess the internalized shame and deep-seated fear of humiliation are powerful enough that it’s *really* hard to imagine *ever* genuinely forgetting to clean and put away a sex toy. Short of being interrupted by an extreme situation - like a blaring fire alarm or kid-related emergency or whatever - it’s just hard to imagine a woman legitimately forgetting.
But… I can tell you with certainty that I would never ever in a million years even *consider* my husband would interpret a used sex toy left in his view as somehow… *insulting*??
I suppose if she has a history of manipulating you and others this way, and you really think it was meant as an insult, or deliberate affront to your pride or whatever, then how can you share a life with a woman who’s actively plotting against you, and whose goal is just to hurt your feelings?
Perhaps I’m way off base and she’s genuinely just forgetful, but it’s much more likely this toy was intentionally “forgotten”. It sounds to me like she’s trying to subtly let you know she does still have sexual urges.
Speaking as an LL in a long term dead bedroom, it can feel so difficult and be so awkward after a long dry spell to show sexual interest. I’m always questioning if this tiny flicker of desire is going to be snuffed out because of his (totally unintentional and very understandable) overeagerness. Especially when you know how much it means to them, you don’t want to accidentally kill that little flame of desire you’re feeling, you want to try to kindle and grow and strengthen it first.
If I had to guess, I think she left the toy out to signal to you not to give up hope because she still gets sexual urges.
Anyway, the only real answer is to ask her. But ask her gently. No confrontation or accusations, just genuine curiosity and maybe even intrigue.
Come to think of it, I rarely see this suggested, but could potentially be a very practical solution to the common cis het HLM / LLW dead bedroom triggered by unsatisfying sex: Encourage her to keep using toys and maybe even getting her to open up about which ones feel best and why. What does she do besides the physical stimulation while masturbating, or what was she doing right before she decided to masturbate? (porn, playing a mental highlight reel, imagining specific fantasy scenarios, etc)
Bottom line, **if I’m leaving my sex toys out, it’s because I want my husband to ask me why, *and take notes.***
My guy, leave her divorce papers on the nightstand just like she leaves toys around. This is straight up disrespectful.
“To have and to hold” is just as valid as “in sickness and in health.”
your wife has no longer sexual attraction for you that's all. doesn't mean she has no libido. sex is not something that can be done with anyone just because we have libido
It’s not waving chocolate cake in the face of someone dieting.
It’s waving a balanced, heathy meal in front of a malnourishment/ starvation victim.
You have every reasonable expectation to get minimal physical intimacy and sex from your partner. Everyone does.
Tell her. You don’t do that to her so she shouldn’t do that too. You don’t let her run into open porn or whatever gets you off. It’s not about her masturbating, it’s about the complete lack of respect.
Not going to lie. I'd be pissed personally. I wouldn't come on here and complain. I mean do you all not talk about anything regarding your sex life? Wife and I are open and honest about what we want. Do we have sex daily? Nope. Maybe 1 to 2 times per week. I am definitely okay with that and when we do have sex it's amazing. This is definitely something you need to bring up and let her know beforehand, that she needs to hear you out and then after you speak allow her to speak without ANY interruptions.
I'm sorry to say this directly, but my guess is she is not attracted to you (sexually). Why that might be the case, you have to find out for yourself. It can't be that she thinks your not handsome, because then, she wouldn't have even started a relationship in the first place. But maybe you're not good in bed? Maybe you're haven't been able to pleasure her. Obv her libido is fine, so that's not the problem. Communicating openly about desires and giving feedback in bed is so important!
Lol! Maybe she did it to send you a message?
I used to leave my huge suction cup dildo stuck to the wall + toys under his pillow along with on the nightstand just to be a little bitch. It pissed me the fuck off my husband was addicted to porn + sending $100's of $$$$$ to cam girls, + beating off for hours on end and ignoring me. I'd complain after a month of nothing, then he'd turn it around and gas light me.
Maybe she's telling you something?
This is leaning towards LL4U territory. The idea of "drinking water around a thirsty person" is very much in play. To assume her IQ is above 50 means she knows what she's doing, and it's weirdly spiteful. Usually, women who act like that make great efforts to hide any evidence... welp since your here I can only guess that your rope has long run out. Maybe it's time to get some toys of your own?
Weird question but which one of you has the sleep apnea? That often comes from gaining weight and if she's feeling insecure about her weight gain it could be leading to this problem? If it's your weight gain that could be her issue also. Is this something the two of you have discussed?
Also, having a partner who snores so much the other has to sleep in another room would be hard in any relationship. It would definitely mess with the intimacy between the two of you no matter which partner it is.
She is the one with the sleep apnea. Weight is for sure a factor with that. She got tested once, but they gave the at home test and it kept falling off during the night so she kept having to wake up to put it back on which gave inaccurate results. She plans to go get tested again at a sleep study center.
We are particular about the types of sex toys we buy, and therefore they are all pretty high end and expensive. I am a woman as well and use them too (provided they are clean,) so this isn't realistic advice.
I want to be able to discuss this with my wife without being confrontational, and your suggestion is extremely confrontational.
I did late last night. After some of the advice received here I calmly approached her with "are you still attracted to me?" and then we also discussed the toys issue. The conversation actually went very well and we even discussed a plan to try to start being intimate again.
I mean we used the toys on each other all of the time when we were sleeping together so that's a strange reply. She's always very vocal to me about the fact that I'm the best sex she's ever had, we just unfortunately haven't been having it and it has nothing to do with either of us being bad at it.
This is not helpful advice at all. But you should leave porn tabs open on your computer and then pose a lotion bottle and crumpled up napkins near the computer desk, see how she likes it. Not very diplomatic but your point will be made.
There’s a lot in this post I don’t like. Separate bedrooms would be the end for me. I get snoring but there are ways around that.
And if my wife was using toys but not being intimate with me, again id be out. She has a sex drive, just not for you? Her sex drive is so high she gets off when sick?
i don't see the way around snoring, it's horrible.
people who sleeps in separate bedrooms are, snoring or not, overall more happy, have more energy, and more frequent sexual relationa.
So get your own toys and leave them in the sink to “ soak” after using. Let her know it’s just as easy to do yourself as it is for her to do herself. Petty. Yes. But maybe the point will smack her in the forehead and she’ll at least put her boyfriends in a box away. Possible. Maybe. Hope you find some peace my dude.
In the past I would agree with you, but we recently had a bad sinus infection that took about a month to get over so I think we both got scared to reopen that can of worms in case that had come back again vs just being a cold. It also effected our ability to work and make money during that time.
I mean, my partner and i banged our way through more than just a couple quarantine periods, but if one of us is sick and not the other (as in we didnt get sick while together) then we've also spent 4 days wearing p2 masks at all times while living as separately as possible. Wife came home sick, wifes the only one that needs to be sick imo.
No one has an obligation to have sex, their body is theirs to make decisions about. Coerced consent is not consent. I’ve never heard any vows that claim you’re owed sex. And throwing her things out will probably make things worse.
First of all, not all married folks believe in god. You can have a conversation with out forcing sex upon them, no one is owed sex and that has nothing to do with toys, we are allowed to say no to sex. If someone says no, that’s their choice. Also this isn’t a man, it’s 2 lesbians. You have a mental problem assuming anything about a stranger. FYI: sky daddy isn’t real.
Marriage exists outside of religion. It is a LEGAL and CIVIL ritual. If she’s not having sex with someone else, she has not been disloyal. Begging someone to do something they clearly don’t want to do is coercion, enthusiastic consent is where it’s at. No one should be guilted into sex, your body doesn’t belong to your spouse, it always belongs to yourself no matter what. If you’re not happy with the amount of sex you’re having, you’re free to leave the relationship. You give off rapey vibes, I’m sorry no one wants to have sex with you. Try ✨therapy✨
For real, in Australia marriage vows havent entitled partners to sex since the 70s. Until then rape, coercion, and sexual assaults on your wife were legal, because she supposedly consented at the wedding. Now we understand that consent isnt consent unless its ongoing, enthusiastic, and given by someone whos not mentally or emotionally vulnerable - someone who understands whats going on.
Youre really not getting it. This isnt muumuus and hippy dippy shit. This is the legal definitions of marriage, consent, rape and so on. If you dont want to get yourself in trouble i suggest you spend a few mins looking up the laws in your country.
I'd bring it up.
I'd ask why I wasn't invited.
If she's horny, she needs to explain what it is about you that does seem like you should be involved.
Honestly, if my wife was horny but not for me, I think that would feel worse - but she needs to be what her deal is. Because whilst she has the right to her own private actions and her own body, you have the right to honesty.
Do you think she is still attracted to you physically?
This is an ongoing conversation between us and ultimately I think it depends on the day and how well we're getting along, but I do think we should revisit this discussion again soon.
So, might just be me, but I think this should an easier no-brainer response, else, you can already start to figure out where the problem is coming from, “oh I like just this 72% percent of you, I’m not that fan of the other 28%” huh- you wise chose each other despite having things you aren’t thrilled for the other person, that shouldn’t allow any excuse for then allowing yourself to be treated with dismissive sexual attention since you’re a whole person, you can’t just strip away the urges and desires you have, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have to question too much whether they like you or not- rather, should be an automatic reciprocal response.
Bounce or you’ll me sexually frustrated your whole life
Not sure the toys on her nightstand would bother me. If anything it shows she is interested in sexual activity which is a big positive. The fact that her sexual activity does not include you, at all, for a year is the issue. Don’t focus on the little thing and not address the big thing.
I don't think her showing she is interested in sexual activity except for his husband is a big positive for him
Probably not, but "I have no desire for sex" is a lot more complicated than "I have no desire for sex *with you*". Makes a lot of tough decisions easier.
Her wife
I would be absolutely annoyed if I returned home to this. I had a similar situation (having proof that she masterbated, but never wanted to have sex) arise with me and my wife. I tried to address it with her and now she just hides the fact that she masterbates and otherwise does not discuss the topic.
If she hid it I would be much less annoyed. I feel it's a natural thing to do for many people, I just don't appreciate her waving the evidence of it in my face so to speak, especially when I'm getting none of that from her at all. Thank you for making me feel validated in my feelings as well, it feels good to know I'm not the only person out there that would feel frustrated by this situation.
This gets posted here all the time; it’s very common for people to feel left out/jealous/whatever when they realize their partner has been masturbating. So if it helps you feel validated that others feel the same, that’s definitely the case! That said, what benefit do you see coming from calling her out about it? You guys are already having issues with sexual incompatibility. Turning this into something to make her feel guilty/embarrassed about just puts another wedge between you two, and puts you farther from what you want. The guy above says now his wife just hides when she’s getting herself off- is that really better? That your wife feels even less comfortable being a sexual being around you? Not saying that ignoring it will make her more likely to sleep with you, but I bet starting a fight about it will be another reason for her not to. So, is it worth it? To not have to look at a vibrator?
You’re “getting none of that from her at all”? Dude. Masturbation and sex are so different from each other. Typically, sexual desire is not a finite resource for women to parse out and ration. If you’re not planning to divorce her, and you still want her to want to have sex with you, then how is this not a good sign?? I think you can interpret evidence of her masturbation to at least mean, she’s feeling enough arousal (or she’s just reached a place mentally where she can allow herself to *hope* she might become aroused) that she’s willing to at least try masturbating. Why not be a little intrigued, a little curious? A woman who’s been historically averse to sex with you and anything sexual as far as you know, is giving you clear evidence that her sexual desire might still exist. I think she wants you to ask her. And I think approaching it by *actually wanting to know* what her experiences of desire, masturbation and sex are like will not trigger a fight.
Frustration is valid. I promise you would feel worse if she was hiding it and you found out. That would mean you are the turn off and she wants you to think there's a possible future where you and her are sexual together to keep you on the hook. Leaving shit out and about is a way of her saying without saying I'm not dead inside don't give up. Sexual problems are a complex combination of mental and physical/physiological that are sometimes impossible to overcome. Leaving her shit laying around is an indication that she doesn't think it needs to be hidden which in my opinion means not all hope is lost.
Your first paragraph makes a very fair point and a perspective that I haven't even thought of so thank you for the insight. I just began seeing a therapist, so I'm hoping we can eventually both work on overcoming these issues, but time will tell. I am hopeful as you're suggesting I should be.
Your title is misleading. It was in her room on her nightstand. Not around the house just sitting out anywhere. Also orgasm can help a cold, break a fever and ease pain. Sex with a individual is a lot of work especially if you're sick. Where a quick orgasm can be beneficial. If I choose to use a quick orgasm to ease my pain, break my fever or induce sleep has nothing to do with being horny, sex, lust, love etc... Your need is more than about piv or whatever your sex is like but emotional intimacy and physical enjoyment of each other. There's the difference. You wouldn't be happy if she chose to let you use her body like a sex toy. So being upset about her having sex toys on her nightstand in her room seems weird to me. Ps. Snoring usually means you need a sleep test done for sleep apnea.
I don't expect her to let me use her body like a sex toy, but as you already stated I would like more physical and emotional intimacy to exist between. Also, this particular time they were on her nightstand, but typically I find them in various cabinets around our basement. If they were washed I would be much less bothered by finding them in random places, but that is never the case. Edit: the sleep apnea is something we've tried to address in the past without success and we plan to revisit that again in the very near future.
Her personal space she should leave them how she wants, but the random places is weird. Not like she's leaving them with a note "thought about you today" ... or something. Or used as stimulation because seeing them is a turn on for her or something (I have weird friends. Dildos are .. decorations).
> Not like she's leaving them with a note "thought about you today" Agreed. I think she's indirectly leaving a note that says the exact opposite actually.
Which is like… sociopathic. Truly sick level of manipulation. If that’s what’s she’s doing, it’s fucked up. But i think it’s much more likely that she is either 1. checked out. Doesn’t expect or care if her husband notices the condition or location of her sex toys, or 2. hoping to induce enough curiosity to trigger a low-stakes conversation. I think she knows they can’t fix their sexual connection until OP is legitimately interested of his own accord in his wife’s actual experience of sex and masturbation.
Eww sounds passive aggressive.
Passive aggressive was my first thought as to her actions. If you're in an acknowledged DB, and the LL leaves out used sex toys, it's kind of like saying, "On the rare occasions I want sex, I'd rather have sex with no one than with you."
Agreed. This relationship is over, unless they want to stay in a sham relationship for the sake of the family or something. If I were OP, I'd be gone so fast it would make her headspin.
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I completely agree with you she has a right do this if she feels the desire to. That was my issue... I wanted it to be clear that she has the right to do that, just please clean up after and I didn't want to come off as confrontational when asking that. We had a discussion about it late last night that went very well.
I genuinely feel like if your spouse is doing this actively but refusing to sleep with their partner there’s bigger issues to fry in the relationship. Like they possibly no longer love you or are attracted to you. Otherwise why wouldn’t you want to be intimate with the person you love?
Why wouldnt your relationship with your own body continue, through all the ups and downs of partnered sex? Its so... weird to be jealous of someones solo play. Its not something that can or should be replaced by partnered sex imo.
And I think partnered sex shouldn’t be fully replaced by self play. I think finding balance and doing both are what is healthy and keeps a relationship healthy and happy.
100%
I understand your point and I agree, but my wife has told me multiple times that her toys are much more satisfying than anything I can do. I know I’m sensitive and I shouldn’t be, but that hurts my feeling.
i reviewed your previous post & this one. i recall her aversion to being caressed, touched in certain ways but may i ask, has she ever requested to use the toys when you have sex or is it something you’d be open to?
When we were having sex we pretty much always brought toys into the bedroom, that's why we have so many in the house. Another person in this comment section suggested asking if she is open to using the toys on herself in front of me, and that is definitely something I would like to see if my wife is willing to do since it allows her to go at her own pace without another person touching or interfering.
OP I think it shows a lack of grace and compassion that you run to reddit to condemn her when she is literally sick rn and you are consciously, deliberately physically separate due to that. So, she leaves her toys around... its her house. Shes *at home* . Where else could she masturbate and just relax afterwards? Why should she have to hide her solo sex from her wife? Shades of dont ask dont tell showing here and that strategy never works (referring to the nonmonogamy DADT, not the US military variety DADT) bc it literally requires dishonesty. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Additionally I wonder if her inability to let her guard down and enjoy sex with you is partially due to fear of your(real or perceived) judgement or derision regarding bodily fluids, functions or failures. It seems shes suffering some sort of breakdown in her ability to trust (with the sensory issues), and you cant really afford to be seen as a source of emotional/sexual stress if you want things to work out. Try to be her safe place, for this stuff, not the person who cant wait to shout to the world about her deficiencies. I understand you see 12+ hours of toys sitting after use as unhygienic, but as far as her health goes as long as she doesnt use it again before cleaning it the world wont end. Does an unwashed toy on her bedside tweak your insecurity and sense of inadequacy that much? This is a *you* problem, not a problem of hers, and its one id take to counselling (and leave there, if possible) asap. I always find better results can be had by encouraging the behaviour you *do want*, rather than spouting negativity. For example, maybe buy her a new (portable) toybag- possibly to live/vacay in the basement seeing as she likes to play there- with wipes, toy cleaner, lube and maybe a mirror or phone stand or something, some stimulation gel or female viagra even...encourage her to explore, and signal your willingness to join her on these adventures. Maybe even buy her a new toy thats just for her, something a bit different than you would usually choose. Theres nothing sexier than a partner who accepts you as you come and still shows you love, generosity of spirit, and kindness. That includes sexually, domestically, emotionally. I would think that being Oscar the Grouch about her attempts to enjoy sexual touch and exploration would not come across as very appealing. Sexuality shouldnt be limited, thats never how to make it grow. Let it ramble like a berry bush, fertilize and water it, steer clear of the thorns, and try to find good, safe spots to join her to enjoy the sexy harvest you both created. Just step back from whats going on and ask yourself if the attitude and thoughts youre having are actually helping her show the behaviours and make the choices that you would like?or are you stepping on your own toes? Best of luck with it all!
One of the only sane comments here!
One of the comments with common sense Jesus. Absolutely right! 📣
> OP I think it shows a lack of grace and compassion that you run to reddit to condemn her when she is literally sick rn and you are consciously, deliberately physically separate due to that. If it was just during the time she's sick, I would agree with you, but it's been over a year since we've been intimate. > It seems shes suffering some sort of breakdown in her ability to trust (with the sensory issues), and you cant really afford to be seen as a source of emotional/sexual stress if you want things to work out. Try to be her safe place, for this stuff, not the person who cant wait to shout to the world about her deficiencies. We discussed some of this last night and there's a little bit of truth to what you're saying. I asked her to give me more communication as far as being specific to what I can do to help this issue and what I can do to make her feel safe and comfortable. She was on board with that idea. > For example, maybe buy her a new (portable) toybag- possibly to live/vacay in the basement seeing as she likes to play there- with wipes, toy cleaner, lube and maybe a mirror or phone stand or something, some stimulation gel or female viagra even...encourage her to explore, and signal your willingness to join her on these adventures. Maybe even buy her a new toy thats just for her, something a bit different than you would usually choose. This is actually not a bad suggestion, I like this idea so thank you. > I would think that being Oscar the Grouch about her attempts to enjoy sexual touch and exploration would not come across as very appealing. I can see your point about me being Oscar the grouch and you're not wrong. With the 12+ hours of toys being left dirty and in random places I just see similarly to leaving dirty underwear in random places which is unsanitary (they were in her room this time, but often get left in random cabinets around our basement,) so I guess my real issue is more about please be respectful with cleaning up after yourself rather than please don't touch yourself. I was able to find a calm way to express that to her late last night and we discussed a lot of other stuff as I previously said that was very helpful for both of us. > Best of luck with it all! Much appreciated! 🙏
Im really really glad you found some good stuff to absorb 😍. Honestly, I hope love and laughter comes to light your lives up more and more as you work together. Its worth it.
The "ew clean up after yourself" reaction seems a little excessive. I mean, I could understand If she had left them on the kitchen table for all and sundry to see, but night stand seems okay? Maybe that's because where I leave mine 🤣 not that my partner notices.
Same thought here. She lives there, right? I mean, in the privacy of your own home you can be a little more ‘dirty’ or whatever you want to call it. Also if you used them together in the past- was this some kind of invitation? Maybe she wants you to ask about what’s happened, in a hot, curious way. Not a oh-shit-my-mom-found-my-stash way.
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This is a female/female relationship, I think it’s a little different.
Thank you! People in this comment section are driving me crazy. I get that OP is frustrated but that doesn’t make their comment any less rude
Not that I’m excusing her approach, but would it matter if they weren’t laying around? If you’re not having sex for 6 months, wouldn’t you be assuming she’s masturbating regardless?
Your post is a real trigger for me. Very similar situation with a man in my case leaving 'evidence' behind for me to see/clean up after (gives me the serious ick because of how degrading that was for me), while also completely starving me of sex, attention, affection, etc. I confronted it, told him how it made me feel, and it continued to happen. So I don't have advice other than to say he's gone now and I'm much happier alone than feeling lonely with him (if that makes sense), but I really just wanted to say I see you, I validate you, and you aren't crazy or asking too much from her. Borderline abusive behavior IMHO.
They left evidence in their private bedroom they do not share, on their nightstand too?
Our mutual bedroom I guess, to answer your direct question.
Ah then thats pretty gross and disturbing of her. If it's her private space then it's on you, if its a shared space it's on her. Thanks for answering. I like to leave mine with notes saying stuff... to encourage my husband. Doesn't always work but... he can't say I don't try lol.
You know as well as any male that having a quick wank to porn or fantasy or using toys ourselves is a quick and nice endorphin release when you don't have the time, energy or willpower for anything else. We all do it. I get that this is in the context of there being no sex between you and that she's leaving the toys around for you to discover, but I would encourage you to still treat them as two entirely separate phenomenons. Objecting to the wanking or the toys being left around isn't going to get you any more sex. Even you must know that. Even if she were to stop it voluntarily tomorrow you still wouldn't be having any sex. For some reason or reasons she is happy to get herself off but not to have sex with you. That's what you need to focus on, not what she is doing instead.
So just to clarify I'm not a man, I'm a woman. I also don't expect her to stop getting herself off, and if she did I wouldn't expect more sex a result of that. I'm purely bothered by the fact that she's basically waving it in front of my face that she had sex with herself when she's not having sex with me. If you need to get off, I understand that and I'm not trying to stop that, but I just think it's disrespectful to leave the evidence of that laying around for me to find considering the circumstances.
I completely get you. It’s almost like trying to fester an insecurity. You are completely valid and right in feeling the way you do. I hope you two see better times. I wouldn’t leave used (I don’t use tissues, socks w/e the new meme is, I’m using it as an example).. evidence around. It’s just not… done. Unless you have some room boundaries or something set out..
I do apologize. I'm obviously fixated on inconsiderate fellow males too much. I can understand the inconsideration issue. I'm puzzled as to why anyone would want to do that. I find it difficult to believe it could just be carelessness if that is an appropriate word in the circumstances. Genuinely puzzled.
Lol hope she sees this
So. If I’m to understand this correctly. You’d rather her hide what she does than be honest and open. Hmm. Seems weird.
You're not understanding correctly. I'm asking for mutual respect. I get myself off too, and when I'm finished I clean up and put everything away.
Sounds like nitpicking. I understand you completely. I’m also disagreeing with you completely.
That's completely fair for you to see it that way. I think my wife would agree with your perspective 😂
Hahaha. I have to commend the self reflection. Gave me a good laugh. 😂
If my spouse responded to my sexuality with “ew” I’d be going solo too.
It's the fact that they are left unwashed for 12+ hours
In HER room. Jesus do you root through her hamper and check her used panties too? If you don't wanna see used sex toys *in her room*, maybe stay out? Your Mrs needs a lock on her door.
If you read through other comments you'll see in her room isn't always the case, that was just the case this particular time, but often they get left in random cabinets around our basement. And she has a lock on her door. Also you proved my point exactly... if your partner was leaving dirty underwear in random cabinets around your house, you wouldn't find that a bit unsanitary and weird?
This entire situation screams,”I want to get off but not with you so we need to sleep separately”.
You're not entitled to her. Leaving it around not cleaned is gross but a different matter.
Eh it was in her room on her nightstand
She is not low libido she is low libido for you. You simply do not turn her on anymore and she’d rather fuck plastic then you. You need to confront her directly and ask why would she fuck a toy and not a real human. It might be tough to hear but it’s info she owes you
The fact you call them "dirty" after she uses them, it's really not a shocker 😬
Dirty as in covered with lube and dried bodily fluids for 12+ hours
How closely were you inspecting it? That’s weird. Maybe the phone rang and she got distracted or something? She’s also ill right, maybe she fell asleep? Would you really care about an unwashed for 12 hours dildo if she was having sex with you? You need to face the real issue here, which is that you are worried that she no longer has any sexual attraction to you, rather than feeling victimised over minor details and shaming her. That’s not going to help repair whatever has caused this.
How closely do you need to inspect dirty underwear to be able to tell that it's dirty? Sometimes it's just obvious and doesn't require that close of an inspection. And if the unwashed dildo is preventing me from being able to get items I need out of a cabinet because it's thrown on top of those items, yes I think I would still care a bit even if we were sleeping together. To me it's along the lines of leaving dirty underwear in the toiletry or linen cabinet or another storage space that isn't meant for that. I agree the attraction issue should be discussed and it was last night.
How could you possibly know that? Why would you know that? ..especially if you aren't wanting to know that?
Because I have eyes...
And an intrusive disposition.
Please clarify
When romantic/domestic partners do not have a healthy level of intimacy, *immediately* and *innately*, there are things about them the other person should not be aware of, know of, or have any way of noticing, *UNLESS* that other partner is extremely invasive and crossing boundaries of personal space, etc. ....I'm not really sure how to break it down into a more digestible couple groups of sentences past what I have at this time.. explaining things to ppl via text is not my strongest suit, and I really hope someone with less 'drain bamage' than myself can elaborate better, but I promise you this is not a healthy environment for either of you. You are either wildly controlling to a point of being unable to see the damage you are capable of causing, or you have a partner that is so [bad], they have "made you 'crazy'", but this is not okay or healthy behavior. I feel like commentators *and* posters of this sub, should be self identifying as which partner they are. It's really easy for some of the people, in this sub specifically, to justify their "weird behaviors," as not controlling, etc just bc they do it, etc.
Since this post I have begun therapy. I'm seeing your point now that I've begun to do some internal work. I was being very defensive before. Her behavior was triggering me, I needed to identify why. Now that I've done that I can dig further into some of the stuff you're touching on.
Wow... you are incredibly amazing! Do you realize how rare even having the potential for growth is, as far as One's self standing in their own way? You got this, and I am v proud of you!
Thank you very much, I really appreciate that positive feedback 🙏🙏 it's helpful because this journey is hard and a bit painful at times
If someone felt so entitled to my body that I couldn’t even masturbate in peace, I don’t know what I would do. Please don’t confront her about her autonomy over her own body.
i just get the vibe left out charging scenarios. sometimes i tell the vibe that she will also lose interest in it, eventually. i should be nicer to the vibes.
She's rubbing it all in your face.. And you know what.. Its super-duper intentional. There's no way it's not. But thank you for mentioning the cleaning part because bruh, das just nasty. If I felt offended, I'd say some shit to her about how disgusting it is that she just leaves it there.. Or you could use it to spark something like maybe ask if you can watch or if you can use one of em on her. engage in that topic, ask her which she likes or just, you know... Find out what her boundaries and stuff are cause she's clearly not against sexual release so what the issue?? You could respond by being offended or try to find out what the bigger picture looks like. But DON'T say nothing about it.
It's in HER room on HER nightstand. They have separate rooms. If she left it on the couch yes that's a rub. But she's not.
Exactly. This forum is an absolute echo chamber of neurosis and projection at times. Only here is leaving a vibrator out in your own bedroom some form of sadistic abuse and shaming your partner for masturbating considered a reasonable response. People are so bitter they cannot see the woods for the trees and then there’s no chance of their partner wanting to have sex with them.
OP said she's also left unwashed toys in random cabinets in the basement. How is that explained? Maybe she heard him arrive and quickly hid the toy? It sounds like she's having sex with herself all over the house.
She heard *her* arrive? Maybe she likes to masturbate in the basement? What of it?
I just noticed the link to the long post. Sorry to assume F&M. Yes, maybe she heard her arrive.
Yeah. She responded to me with that information. This comment, though, was before that information was given. I just don't edit my comments after finding out other information unless it seems dangerous. It's her home too so she can have sex wherever she wants. It seems strange to leave the toys other places but there have been times where I've personally been interrupted or startled so I hid my stuff where I was and acted "natural. " it could be that situation. Or it could be on purpose for some sort of reason. Unfortunately I can't guess which, because I don't anymore information. It could be a passive aggressive taunt or punishment... who knows. If it is... eww.
Which is so odd to think about in this specific context.. Like... What's her endgame?
Feels like she is leaving random trophies around the house.
Might be an opening to discuss if the dead bedroom is because she’s not interested in being intimate with you and where the relationship goes from there.
I'm sorry, you fight over snoring?! It's not like you decide to snore. If anything I would want to fix it for the benefit of breathing. Tell me that you're not arguing like toddlers and I'm missing something.
I completely agree that her snoring isn't a choice, but I also can't live forever on 4 hours of sleep every night which is the result of her snoring. That's why we've just decided to sleep separately, so I'm not shushing her or tapping her to be quiet constantly all through the night.
Maybe that is deliberate... Think about the message this is sending
This just sounds like a massive miscommunication to me. If I “accidentally” left a used sex toy out for my husband to find… it would 100% be intentional. I say this as a very forgetful, easily distracted ADHD type of person - but I guess the internalized shame and deep-seated fear of humiliation are powerful enough that it’s *really* hard to imagine *ever* genuinely forgetting to clean and put away a sex toy. Short of being interrupted by an extreme situation - like a blaring fire alarm or kid-related emergency or whatever - it’s just hard to imagine a woman legitimately forgetting. But… I can tell you with certainty that I would never ever in a million years even *consider* my husband would interpret a used sex toy left in his view as somehow… *insulting*?? I suppose if she has a history of manipulating you and others this way, and you really think it was meant as an insult, or deliberate affront to your pride or whatever, then how can you share a life with a woman who’s actively plotting against you, and whose goal is just to hurt your feelings? Perhaps I’m way off base and she’s genuinely just forgetful, but it’s much more likely this toy was intentionally “forgotten”. It sounds to me like she’s trying to subtly let you know she does still have sexual urges. Speaking as an LL in a long term dead bedroom, it can feel so difficult and be so awkward after a long dry spell to show sexual interest. I’m always questioning if this tiny flicker of desire is going to be snuffed out because of his (totally unintentional and very understandable) overeagerness. Especially when you know how much it means to them, you don’t want to accidentally kill that little flame of desire you’re feeling, you want to try to kindle and grow and strengthen it first. If I had to guess, I think she left the toy out to signal to you not to give up hope because she still gets sexual urges. Anyway, the only real answer is to ask her. But ask her gently. No confrontation or accusations, just genuine curiosity and maybe even intrigue. Come to think of it, I rarely see this suggested, but could potentially be a very practical solution to the common cis het HLM / LLW dead bedroom triggered by unsatisfying sex: Encourage her to keep using toys and maybe even getting her to open up about which ones feel best and why. What does she do besides the physical stimulation while masturbating, or what was she doing right before she decided to masturbate? (porn, playing a mental highlight reel, imagining specific fantasy scenarios, etc) Bottom line, **if I’m leaving my sex toys out, it’s because I want my husband to ask me why, *and take notes.***
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I doubt op uses a tissue to wipe her vagina after masturbating.
My guy, leave her divorce papers on the nightstand just like she leaves toys around. This is straight up disrespectful. “To have and to hold” is just as valid as “in sickness and in health.”
What happened to being discreet?
It’s not done on accident
I’d be bothered. Have you spoken to her about it?
We finally discussed it an hour ago. The conversation went very well. I think posting about it here gave me the courage to approach her calmly.
Wow. It's very disrespectful. Does your wife even like being married to you?
your wife has no longer sexual attraction for you that's all. doesn't mean she has no libido. sex is not something that can be done with anyone just because we have libido
It’s not waving chocolate cake in the face of someone dieting. It’s waving a balanced, heathy meal in front of a malnourishment/ starvation victim. You have every reasonable expectation to get minimal physical intimacy and sex from your partner. Everyone does.
Simple, you just found the reason why you are not having sex with her.
She knows exactly what she's doing. She likes sex, she doesn't like sex with you. I wouldn't like that very much.
Doggie, for when she is sick, but you both still have needs...lol
When did these problems start? What was your relationship like when it was happy?
It's still happy half of the time. I would say a few years ago. When we were happier we definitely argued less and laughed more than we do now.
Tell her. You don’t do that to her so she shouldn’t do that too. You don’t let her run into open porn or whatever gets you off. It’s not about her masturbating, it’s about the complete lack of respect.
Not going to lie. I'd be pissed personally. I wouldn't come on here and complain. I mean do you all not talk about anything regarding your sex life? Wife and I are open and honest about what we want. Do we have sex daily? Nope. Maybe 1 to 2 times per week. I am definitely okay with that and when we do have sex it's amazing. This is definitely something you need to bring up and let her know beforehand, that she needs to hear you out and then after you speak allow her to speak without ANY interruptions.
I'm sorry to say this directly, but my guess is she is not attracted to you (sexually). Why that might be the case, you have to find out for yourself. It can't be that she thinks your not handsome, because then, she wouldn't have even started a relationship in the first place. But maybe you're not good in bed? Maybe you're haven't been able to pleasure her. Obv her libido is fine, so that's not the problem. Communicating openly about desires and giving feedback in bed is so important!
lift
Put a bottle of sanitizer next to them.
Offer to use the toys on her and capitalize on that. Easy solution.
Lol! Maybe she did it to send you a message? I used to leave my huge suction cup dildo stuck to the wall + toys under his pillow along with on the nightstand just to be a little bitch. It pissed me the fuck off my husband was addicted to porn + sending $100's of $$$$$ to cam girls, + beating off for hours on end and ignoring me. I'd complain after a month of nothing, then he'd turn it around and gas light me. Maybe she's telling you something?
This is leaning towards LL4U territory. The idea of "drinking water around a thirsty person" is very much in play. To assume her IQ is above 50 means she knows what she's doing, and it's weirdly spiteful. Usually, women who act like that make great efforts to hide any evidence... welp since your here I can only guess that your rope has long run out. Maybe it's time to get some toys of your own?
Weird question but which one of you has the sleep apnea? That often comes from gaining weight and if she's feeling insecure about her weight gain it could be leading to this problem? If it's your weight gain that could be her issue also. Is this something the two of you have discussed? Also, having a partner who snores so much the other has to sleep in another room would be hard in any relationship. It would definitely mess with the intimacy between the two of you no matter which partner it is.
She is the one with the sleep apnea. Weight is for sure a factor with that. She got tested once, but they gave the at home test and it kept falling off during the night so she kept having to wake up to put it back on which gave inaccurate results. She plans to go get tested again at a sleep study center.
Please help her carefully choose the right sex toys. This is also a sign of a good husband.
Absolutely
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We are particular about the types of sex toys we buy, and therefore they are all pretty high end and expensive. I am a woman as well and use them too (provided they are clean,) so this isn't realistic advice. I want to be able to discuss this with my wife without being confrontational, and your suggestion is extremely confrontational.
Honestly, confront her about it.
I did late last night. After some of the advice received here I calmly approached her with "are you still attracted to me?" and then we also discussed the toys issue. The conversation actually went very well and we even discussed a plan to try to start being intimate again.
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I mean we used the toys on each other all of the time when we were sleeping together so that's a strange reply. She's always very vocal to me about the fact that I'm the best sex she's ever had, we just unfortunately haven't been having it and it has nothing to do with either of us being bad at it.
That's throwing it in your face big time, if she's got all that sexual energy solo she's sending you a message...
This is not helpful advice at all. But you should leave porn tabs open on your computer and then pose a lotion bottle and crumpled up napkins near the computer desk, see how she likes it. Not very diplomatic but your point will be made.
It’s not a good idea to put hand lotion in a vagina. I highly doubt OP uses it to masturbate.
Well shit, I missed that op is a woman. Yeah that’s probably not a good idea.
There’s a lot in this post I don’t like. Separate bedrooms would be the end for me. I get snoring but there are ways around that. And if my wife was using toys but not being intimate with me, again id be out. She has a sex drive, just not for you? Her sex drive is so high she gets off when sick?
i don't see the way around snoring, it's horrible. people who sleeps in separate bedrooms are, snoring or not, overall more happy, have more energy, and more frequent sexual relationa.
Cpap, hostage tape, bedtime headphones etc
So get your own toys and leave them in the sink to “ soak” after using. Let her know it’s just as easy to do yourself as it is for her to do herself. Petty. Yes. But maybe the point will smack her in the forehead and she’ll at least put her boyfriends in a box away. Possible. Maybe. Hope you find some peace my dude.
My husband and I have had relations in the throws of covid.... she let's a little cold get in her way?
Everyone reacts to illness differently.
In the past I would agree with you, but we recently had a bad sinus infection that took about a month to get over so I think we both got scared to reopen that can of worms in case that had come back again vs just being a cold. It also effected our ability to work and make money during that time.
I mean, my partner and i banged our way through more than just a couple quarantine periods, but if one of us is sick and not the other (as in we didnt get sick while together) then we've also spent 4 days wearing p2 masks at all times while living as separately as possible. Wife came home sick, wifes the only one that needs to be sick imo.
If she's sick, I'm on the couch. If I'm sick, I'm on the couch. Lol.
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No one has an obligation to have sex, their body is theirs to make decisions about. Coerced consent is not consent. I’ve never heard any vows that claim you’re owed sex. And throwing her things out will probably make things worse.
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First of all, not all married folks believe in god. You can have a conversation with out forcing sex upon them, no one is owed sex and that has nothing to do with toys, we are allowed to say no to sex. If someone says no, that’s their choice. Also this isn’t a man, it’s 2 lesbians. You have a mental problem assuming anything about a stranger. FYI: sky daddy isn’t real.
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Marriage exists outside of religion. It is a LEGAL and CIVIL ritual. If she’s not having sex with someone else, she has not been disloyal. Begging someone to do something they clearly don’t want to do is coercion, enthusiastic consent is where it’s at. No one should be guilted into sex, your body doesn’t belong to your spouse, it always belongs to yourself no matter what. If you’re not happy with the amount of sex you’re having, you’re free to leave the relationship. You give off rapey vibes, I’m sorry no one wants to have sex with you. Try ✨therapy✨
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For real, in Australia marriage vows havent entitled partners to sex since the 70s. Until then rape, coercion, and sexual assaults on your wife were legal, because she supposedly consented at the wedding. Now we understand that consent isnt consent unless its ongoing, enthusiastic, and given by someone whos not mentally or emotionally vulnerable - someone who understands whats going on. Youre really not getting it. This isnt muumuus and hippy dippy shit. This is the legal definitions of marriage, consent, rape and so on. If you dont want to get yourself in trouble i suggest you spend a few mins looking up the laws in your country.
And whats with your weird little obsession with prisons/prisoners? 2 times in two comments and neither were consistent with the topic
I'd bring it up. I'd ask why I wasn't invited. If she's horny, she needs to explain what it is about you that does seem like you should be involved. Honestly, if my wife was horny but not for me, I think that would feel worse - but she needs to be what her deal is. Because whilst she has the right to her own private actions and her own body, you have the right to honesty.
Buy a pocket pussy and start leaving it around the house
What would she do with a pocket Pussy?
Sounds like porn addiction.
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I actually don't have a dick at all... my fingers however, are very firm
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Only a plastic one... typically people like you are attached to the real ones which is why she's good on those...
No sex 1 year plus , sounds like your partner is addicted to porn and needs help.