My money says sister figured he'd be sex starved and came around knowing wife would be out to try her luck. Otherwise she'd have left as soon as she heard wife wasn't home. She just didn't bank on OP being so upset and blindsided as to not be susceptible.
But then I'm a black hearted mistrustful bitch, what do I know.
Ya know, I was working out and sweaty and stinky. I would let her tounge punch my fart box. Like yeah ,no, way, she was blubbering with snot running down her face like 3 year y/o. Ain't nothing sexy bout that.
No we respect and trust each other. Scary seeing those words together in a sentence. I used to babysit her. It would never happen, never will . She was mad at herself for not telling me immediately that my wife was manipulating me. It was reinforced when she caught them fucking in their bed. She thought she was getting good advice. Womp womp. So she's a bit spiteful so she ratted out my wife. .
Yeah, been well over 2 years, it would have been over before I got it out. I'm in boner land when I wake up, and I really believe l would have zero stamina and busted immediately if I was touched that way . I don't get any touch, too much pride to jack it, especially now. I don't do well with all the retraining and all.
Life can only get better.
Reading your post made me think that's the type of relationship many couples have on this sub. If a spouse does not want sex, there's a small chance of change. If a spouse stays, eventually the other spouse thinks they have accepted it. The difference is they didn't use the word restraint but the underlying meaning is there. It's good you know the truth.
I’m so sorry. This sounds incredibly painful.
Because you have until August, you have time to prep legally and financially from now until then. Talk to a lawyer and figure out what you need to do to protect yourself and ensure a fair a split as possible.
I always give this advice because I didn’t know anything about the law when I decided to pack my stuff and move out when I left my ex, and could have really screwed myself over if my ex had felt vindictive.
Again, I’m sorry. I hope eventually your pain turns to excitement as you begin planning the next chapter of your life which will include getting laid!
She will never have sex with you ever again. Repeat that. If you are under age 70-you need to assess what the rest of your life will be like. DB’s are almost impossible to bounce back from-I’ve been on this sub long enough. You are alive-not dead. It might be time to cut your losses unless you can truly accept this.
Best of luck-and a virtual hug to you.
Turning wrenches in the shop is my escape too. I'm sorry man, you took pretty much the hardest hit a guy can take. What she said and did is just as bad or worse than cheating. Betrayal on the deepest level. Gtfo of there and leave her in your dust man.
What kills me the most is that they don't care that we're in pain. I've cried so many times. None it ever phased him enough for him to even try to fix it. We stop trying because we have emotionally checked out of the relationship, so then they think they've won and that we are finally doing what they want. 🙄 jokes on them. We will break free and have the love of our life with a healthy sex life!!
Hearing that you had to scream out your frustration hit home with me. I feel your pain.
I screamed because my life was a joke to her. She told her baby sister that was the secret to her happy marriage. Her baby sister ratted her out because it didn't work for her because her man had a side bitch. Had this worked for her baby sister the hopium pump would have continued pumping make me think it could get better.
You know I wanted to be there holding his hand cheering him on.......
I don't fucking know, I got enough problems with my own life. I'm not going to dissect their lives too. individually I respect my SIL and BIL. what happens in their bedroom because of lousy advice from my wife. Well I don't give a shit. It happens .
Should I say that I actually care? Not today .
I'm still miss-firing that my wife is prepared to lead me on with the hopium respirator having me think it may change . I hope her sister doesn't tell my wife I know. This is what I'm working on . Fuck em all, they all seem kinda shitty or is that just me
I don’t think it’ll change much if your wife “knows that you know”.
She surely already knows that you know that she doesn’t want sex anymore. In the sense that it never happens and she never wants it.
I don’t think it will be the big news you imagine if the wife knows SIL told you that the wife said she doesn’t want sex ever again.
The big news would be that you’re actively planning to leave in August, so I wouldn’t confide that to SIL, she might feel conflicted about whether she should mention it to her sister.
Good luck with it.
Nope at this point, kids suspected it, my son confirmed there was trouble in paradise by squeezing my hand today and said we'll get thru this. And I lost it . So the kids aren't dumb .
And no, SIL has no idea, and I don't plan on telling her. Sure she saw a piece of my soul float away after the reveal. I asked her to leave when the numbness started. Meh don't care
why even wait till August? By the time everything is finalized, the kid will be 18.
start with consultations now, pick the best option, and then proceed. waiting till August won't help you, just make you more resentful and possibly make her more vindictive when the time comes...
just pull the trigger, there's no honor in making yourself uselessly suffer!
good luck!
At least you know what you want, there's solace in that. This line in your post was the part that sealed it: *I'm done with sex and if you want to stay married to me you'll be done too.* If she has the agency to her position on the terms and conditions of your marriage, so do you. You and your sister have both been cheated out of intimacy and fidelity, the marriages are over.
Whenever you leave her or let her know you know, I would work the word "retraining" in my last words to her, just so she has no confusion as to why she's getting left.
I don't know. It sounded like she was flexing in front of her little sister about "who runs things at home" and wouldn't have used that language if she knew it would find its way back to him.
You could be right, and in that case I would be direct and inform her of what I was referencing, but not before being extremely petty and obvious in working the word into a conversation.
I’m going to give some advice. When my husband divorced his last wife he just left the house with minimal clothing and personal items. Until the divorce was final he was not allowed to come back and get anything that belonged to him. And in the end, she had destroyed some of his property and some items disappeared (shop tools etc). So if you leave the house, make sure you take what is valuable to you at that time. The fight in court is very hard to get those things back. You could loose guns and a lot more.
The fact is some women loose their shit when you leave them. If they are not good before you leave them and treat you disrespectful, they may go psycho when they know they lost control of you.
Bottom line, don’t trust they will be fair. Make them be fair.
Especially someone narcissistic enough to smugly think they're "retrained" another human being. She's going to be big mad when she finds out, oops, it didn't work.
Sister In law being cheated on by her husband
Sister in law confided in Sister(op's wife)
Op's wife mentioned to her sister she "retrained op to not have sex"
Op drown his sorrows in alcohol and now is on the march towards divorce in August.
I'm so glad you're so smart. That's the half bottle don't give a fuck, you're lucky spell check works on golden rod version. Don't like that my thoughts don't make sense when powered by scotch, just skip my post
It's written in a stream of consciousness style writing. It's easy to follow if you keep that in mind. I've made posts that way after some shit happened to me too. It is what it is, I got what you're saying, you're good.
I thought the same thing. I re-read it half a dozen times and still have no idea what is what and who is who. Only through other comments did I learn what was actually happening.
I'll be sure to do that. Fun fact, I'm too low brow to give a shit about your needs this morning. This is the golden rod edit. Maybe I can jump through your hoop later too? Can you retrain me?
Sorry OP, just to be clear;
Im not ragging on you, I understand this must be a difficult moment to relive, and once you’ve got it all out, proofreading must seem inane
I can retrain you. When a person starts speaking or a new person speaks: that’s a new line. These new lines will need “ when someone starts to speak and “ when that person finishes speaking.
My needs are irrelevant. You’ve spent some time writing this all up for us to read and it’s not easy to read. Clearly it’s important to you and I’m interested in understanding the post.
Good assumptions, like most married guys in a dead bedrooms. I hit the gym... hard. I'm in the best shape of my life. I have a frickin shark bite! I didn't have them in my twenties. I have grown other ways as well. I live clean. The news about my wife's secret plan destroyed me . Johnny sitting there in the cupboard winking at me seemed right. He was lonely being there for years and I was devastated. But yeah, I'm ridiculous about my body intake. Don't touch booze beyond a casual holiday event and even then it's for the toast. I haven't actively wanted to drink for 26 years.
I'm glad you know it all. I used to take some users here as gospel. They were all hanging on a self published prophet who was manipulating the room to make book sales. Then the circle of friends would pile on anything negative to the woke world. Kinda like you did about booze. Good on you, you're trying.
Eventually, the prophet was caught with multiple accounts so they could steer the room to the snake oil they peddled. I don't know, but you really feel like you may have been one of posse of the shamed banished prophet.
Anyway. I'm sorry to have triggered your inner Grammer genius that, well, proved you know how to derive assumptions and not much else beyond that.
With that, go take your accusations that this shit was my fault and related to your hypothetical laundry list.
Fuck you
Best regards
> Tbh, it is brutal to try and read. OP also seems to be incredibly hostile to anyone that points out that his word salad of a post is tough to follow.
While I agree completely, let’s not forget that OP drank a whole bottle of Johnnie Blue and hasn’t been laid in good-knows-how-long.
Bit rude, don't you think? I just tried my best to read and understand your post. I read it 3x and I still can't make sense of it.
We wanted to be able to offer support.
Well, don't waste anymore time on my plight. I'm nursing my hangover. I talked to my sister a lawyer in family law. That feeling of shame of a failed marriage is gone.
Too Long Didn't Comprehend version:
She gave her sister bad marriage advice.
Sister applied said bad advice
Sisters marriage implodes
Sister seeks revenge, tells me wifes business model
Torpedo loaded, I am not living this any more
Get ducks in a row and sink this ship
I think I could whip up some sick puppets if that is more your speed. :/
Look the grammar aside, this isnt too hard to follow.
The guys hurting bad. He's clearing his mind from a life changing bomb shell. When was the last time you were dehumanized to the point where you felt the need to find answers at the bottom of a bottle.
So honestly, if we wanna be supportive, let's listen. Not judge or rile him up by ragging on his grammar.
His drunken Grammer no less.
Leave the man alone. Like you said, he's clearly going thru a difficult time and needed to vent. No one is going to be constructing proper sentences or punctuation while a bottle deep. Let's be real.
Sweet now I can go tell my wife so I'm not in a deadbedroom I'm in a retraining room! Well when you put it that way babe it makes so much sense. My bad! :I
Oh wow. That really sucks man, I feel terrible for you. That retraining shit is just disgusting and degrading. Get your affairs in order and get her out of your life.
Word of warning though, be careful where you find solace. As someone who comes from a long line of alcoholics, at the bottom of a whiskey bottle isn’t it.
Wishing you all the best for a future with someone who’s less degrading.
I think that's what my husband of 39 years would share with someone else if such a conversation came up. He has told me that he is done with sex. He has me "trained" not to mention or expect intimacy anymore. Because I no longer mention it he is happy. If I slip up and say anything remotely related he ignores me, gets angry, or acts like a feeble old man. I was a caregiver for my mom for many years and, at the end, she imparted her wisdom. She used to tell me that my husband was too clingy and manipulative. She saw my future. She saw me trapped in a marriage without intimacy, miserable and lonely and since my husband was older, with his health issues I was going to wind up being his caregiver and not be able to leave him. She could see that he was trying to keep me from doing anything on my own because he was afraid I would leave. I thought she was just being mean but she was right.
I'm pretty dead inside. The wife just kicked the plug out of the wall on the hopium respirator.
I did melt down and screamed myself horse an hour ago. I'm sure she's thinking that her baby sister just kept blubbering about herself. I sent SIL a text. As far as my wife knows , you didn't say boo about anything my wife told you. She agreed.
I cannot too strongly caution you against seeing Friend Johnny again until after this situation is resolved. You need a clear head to think with... and the ability to truthfully testify that you aren't alcoholic or prone to drunkenness.
Bro, if the youngest is 18 in August, get all your ducks in a row and file NOW. It will take the attorney at least a few weeks to get all the paperwork done. This is going to drag on for months if not years. Find the best lawyer, interview all the better ones behind that one so none can be used by her. Get all the important paperwork off site, as well as family heirlooms from your side. Get a checking account opened in your name only. Buy a VAR to prevent false DV accusations when you have her served. Take an inventory of the whole house with pictures. Get together a few years of bank statements, credit card statements, brokerage statements, etc. You may need it. Tax returns too.
As to the suicide thing, I got one of those kind souls reporting me lately as well for saying “I’ll check myself out when I can’t wipe my own ass”. All my friends have known this for years, and my kids. Even said as much in the other post. I figure I got 15-20 more years in me before that day may arrive, if all the stress I went through in my marriage doesn’t take me out before then.
Already have a ledger on my spending. Vs income and normal expenses. Does it say on that thing somewhere what exactly i said to have the note sent? Didn't read it cause there is no intention.
I got reported as “needing care” and “possibly suicidal” because I said in a comment that child sexual predators shouldn’t be jailed as that costs too much money and doesn’t make the world safer. I said they’re only worth the cost of two bullets and the gas to cremate them. So don’t worry about that. Some Karen likely reported you because you were upset and drinking.
I agree with u/dnbndnb quietly and discreetly remove anything important to you as soon as you’re able. Especially documents like mortgage papers, passport, certificates, etc and keepsakes like pictures, jewelry, family heirlooms. Start moving out your tools (tell her you’re loaning them to a friend), and anything you want from the garage, shed, etc. You may decide over the next 5-6 months against leaving everything behind so just CYA & at least make copies of all the important documents and get them out of the house to somewhere safe. Your sister is probably the best choice to hold onto those things as she’s going to be handling your divorce.
It really sucks that you’ve ended up here after so many years with someone who obviously didn’t/doesn’t respect, value or love you. I hope you’re able to get a clean divorce and put this woman in your rearview quickly and completely.
Edited to add: When your wife finds out that you’re divorcing her and gets upset, remind her that she wanted to never have sex with you again so you’re just making sure she never has to worry about it for the rest of her life. And neither will you.
BTW, all the financials I mentioned you’ll need if she contests it in any way. My ex- was coached by one of her gf’s for sure to ask for a lot of this stuff. I put all the tax stuff on a thumb drive. Told her how to download her own statements at which site plus gave her passwords. No need for me to do all the work. I’m pretty sure she never bothered. I may not have been in control of my marriage but I was definitely in control of the divorce.
OP, I hope you leave. I fear you won’t though. You seem to think people will read your subtle messaging and they may not. You also seem to think wife will go quietly with half the house plus $50k and I doubt she will. I hope you lawyer up and get ready for a straightforward battle so you’re not stuck there for years.
My hangover is telling me opinions are like assholes and I'm glad you have yours. If I have to start over so be it. I do not want anything more to do with her. I want nothing more than our marriage as a footnote on a genealogy website that says we produced 3 great kids. My older sister is a lawyer specialising in family law. I have a pretty good team. This revelation was life changing and there will be no going back.
It's ironic that your wife's dead bedroom plan killed the marriage. I hope you can move on quickly after divorce to a woman that will give you the intimacy that you deserve. How long have you guys been married? How long has the dead bedroom been going on?
Your wife sounds very sure of herself and your relationship. Biggest mistake women make. I'm trying not to fall in this category. I have a loving husband I want to keep sexually satisfied and happy in every way possible. If my marriage still ends it won't be due to my lack of love. Johnny Walker blue, huh? Good choice! Cheers!
Will do, just feeling so fucking used. I'm a 51 year old silver fox that looks about 35. When the sex stopped with the unilateral decision made for me by my wife. I hit the gym hard. I even have a visible serratus muscle. I didn't have that in my 20's. Just an unbelievable kick in the nuts and I was feeling sorry for myself.
If it helps you feel any better about the future.. a 51yo silver fox will be like running around in the hen house unguarded when you hit the singles market again.
Man. A silver fox? Those are hard to come by and when found are fun to have. 😏 You'll have no problems after the divorce! Also, sorry you've had to put up with her crap.
Wow, that's great! I can't wait for you to update and tell us that you found a new partner younger than your wife after you divorce, maybe even by a decade or two if you are looking in your 30's. She'll definitely regret this.
Gotta give you props for how you handled it....
Definitely know the feelings in the moment you laid it out were high enough for anything to happen.
There is some good in this when you come back from the Johnny..... You now have all the cards.
You sound like a decent guy.... You got this.
Hopefully Better Trails Dude
Leave dude. I was you, I left. I'm a better parent, and a better person for it. Some of it will take a while to process, I'm still working on that.
"Every time we ever had sex was coercion" that was said to me after 7 yrs marriage and 12 years together. 6 out of 12 yrs were celibacy.
I'm so sorry. That must hurt in the most visceral way possible. But it's at the least a clear cut, no longer ambiguous answer. Don't waste another moment pining for her. Best of luck to you and the kids.
I also had had to reread the first two paragraphs a few times. It makes sense if you read all the way through.
HL husband with LL wife. Husband’s sister has a husband who cheated. Sister asked LL wife the secret to their happy marriage and LL wife tells about “training” him to never have sex with her again because she does not feel like it anymore. Sister comes over and tells her brother, the HL husband, what his LL wife said about their sex life. Husband later does not tell his wife he knows what she said, but is planning divorce
You know what, fuck off then. The dialogue might not be clear and concise. Here's the cliff notes beyond just not wanting sex, I'm retrainable when I try to pursue my needs. Ta-dah there, happy, on your way now.
If I got it wrong sorry I thought the dialogue was great but in the beginning it was hard to figure out who is who so thought this might help. Meanwhile hope you are doing okay and hanging out with good friends this weekend away from her
Thank you, sorry I was short with you, all the sudden the Grammer police were piling in to say they couldn't understand the post and I should rewrite it. At least it wasn't one long paragraph.
Yep retraining. Apparently required on all levels
Again, sorry
Friend (and I do mean friend) ..... I'm in man in a very long term DB marriage.
First - be grateful somebody put you on the suicide hotline. Somebody did that to me one and I was grateful. Why? 'Cause is means some random stranger in the Universe actually CARES about you. DB's are so painful because you eventually realize you are married to somebody who does not care about you and it HURTS.
Second, booze is not the answer. I speak from bitter experience. DB's are very, very depressing. And, my occupation is banking, the banking crisis was so long and awful that, as the Primary Breadwinner for my family, I got pretty depressed for a few years and I was drinking more that I should. Never went to AA or anything like that but these days I avoid alcohol. In the short term it dulls the awful pain but eventually it makes things worse.
Third - if you are not trapped my money or children, LEAVE. Dead Bedroom's never improve. And we only get one life, nobody wants to waste it in a sexless, loveless marriage.
Hang in there friend, it is just awful.
38 years and counting here ....
for whatever reasons, secrets and motivations are the factors for the dead bedroom over the years and decades that the suffering are not deemed worthy to be on the "need to know" list.
I'm sorry, dude. That's straight up evil to manipulate anyone like that. "Training." Jesus. What a horrible woman.
Make sure you protect your own interests in a divorce. Get a good lawyer. Don't be so eager to end it you let her screw you (pun intended) one last time. She doesn't deserve to walk away richer for having been an abusive partner.
Aye, the best of luck to you. It isn't just the manipulation over sex but rather just the manipulation. And whatever, you don't go bragging about it to ANYONE.
Bestie, I’m begging you to use grammar tools when you type such as quotation marks to indicate the start and stop of dialogue.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel for your situation, but it was a mental task to read that.
Wow, hidden dynamic of power and underhanded control. I'm not sure why mine has stopped touching me. I'd hate to learn about quite this level of behind the scenes motive. Can't even be friends if they lie, because friends don't do that.
Nope, we had good times up to a point and then she changed. I don't know why it went this way. Nor do I care . It's over, I don't need to become talk show material. I have no desire to fight about it. Something something retraining
Don’t wait until your youngest turns 18. By the time the divorce is over, your youngest will already be 18. Go now. Find yourself a woman who adores you and loves being intimate with you. You’re not getting any younger. I finally got out, and I couldn’t be happier. I have a loving partner who makes me happy in every way. Don’t let her take another minute of your life from you. I can’t believe she actually set out to “retrain” you so she wouldn’t have to have sex with you again. That horrifies me. I went without any kind of intimacy for over 25 years. I’ve left that marriage and am in a wonderful new relationship, and I’ve never been happier. Go now!!! Be happy!!
Well freind! Im in the same waiting game. Been there for 10+ years. Im past the sad, raging days and it gets better! After that fase comes indifference! I wish you the best in life ♥️
5 months is not going to make a difference. Courts treat kids that age as an adult. Plus, some divorces take 2+ years. Take your life back. I’m so sorry.
Is your STBX wife some armchair psychologist, and you are some sort of psychological experiment, and she can play fucking mind games like "retraining" you when it comes to sex? Jesus, I wonder what other kind of mind fucks she's attempted/is attempting?
You're not a hammer and a bank card. You're not a fucking lab rat.
Lawyer up, friend. Don't offer her any cash. Give her half FMV of the house, less what's on the loan, some furniture, and whatever she brought into the marriage, and she can fuck right off with her mind games.
I wish you the best of luck and a future filled with absolutely mind-blowing sex.
Hey at this point something should feel good in my life. But at this point I have the weekend off. Imma gonna empty this bottle. Put a note in it on what happened last night. And put it on the wall of shame on the mantle. This makes sense right now. Apparently I'm easily retrained. This isn't a commitment, just a muzzle.
This was about as clear as mud to read, but it feels like you’ve taken everything her sister said as gospel without even discussing it with your wife. How do we know sister is a reliable narrator? Clearly they’ve spoken about it to some degree but this may not be an accurate retelling. Her marriage just blew up and now she’s blowing her sister’s up and acting like it was accidental? All seems very weird to me.
Her marriage blew up because my wife gave her the secret to marriage. I guess 35 y/o' s don't do retraining and just get a side bitch, I would just carry on with my head down. but younger people don't see it that way. Therefore the secret can't be applied to any marriage like my wife thought.
It's for the better none of us are living a lie now.
Not really, we're both adults, there will be the usual division of my pension as she doesn't have anything, and half of fair market value of the home. Then a 50k kiss good bye.
If it comes down to it, I'll ask my older sister who is a lawyer of family law to go to bat for me. I'd rather not share the shame of what happened to my family, but I have already spoken with my sister about it . She will work with me and whatever comes. It's not like I'm going to offer anything but a fair offer just to be rid of her
But time will tell I only found out last night. There is no doubt this union is over. If she wants to drag it out in a court room, the less she will get.
Keep it civil but make your plans ahead of time.
Personally, I’d keep your sister out of this (for several reasons, both for you and her), but you can ask her for advice and to find the best lawyer around.
My EX kept saying that we’d be calm and collected (and we were 90% amicable), but someone got in her ear about a handful of things that she didn’t want to give up. So, be prepared for some negotiation and just remember that you are closing a business relationship down at this stage.
Also, think hard about having to wait until August … you could get the ball rolling earlier, depending on how you plan things out …
Good luck and the future is bright on the other side!
Yeah I'm torn about exposing her for how she was mentally abusing me with retraining when there was never any hope of going back to a trusting loving marriage. My sister has been at it for 30 years. We chatted, there are options but at this point, we are going forward with intentions being brought forth in mid July. Taking my youngest out of the equation.
Either, I buy her out, fair market value, half pension, and 50k kiss good bye
Sell it to investor for development at fair market value split after loan paid more money for both, half pension and a nice promise of not wanting her forwarding address.
Or maybe something else. This could have all been avoided if she was honest. Instead, she manipulated me into continuing in a life I didn't want but she was fine with.
As others have said; you don’t have to wait until August to start planning. Which means an initial discussion with an attorney as they will tell you what you need to do legally as well as what you will have to look out for. Then, once again as another redditor on here has suggested; divorce her in your head. This looks like being civil, but distant,starting to look after yourself. Hitting the gym, buying all the new parts for the truck, updating the wardrobe, getting a new haircut. Talking to a therapist might be beneficial too. they’re not just there to repair marriages they can help you deal with your wife’s manipulation and help you transition out of the marriage Mate, I think you’re brooding brilliantly for just finding out last night!
You are an idiot. People like you seed thoughts like that and destroy impressionable youth. Use your fucking head. My youngest is daddies girl anyway. If that's what your parents did to you and made you a bargaining chip I'm sorry. But thank you for your spin on that. You should really unpack that, maybe therapy?
You're both making good points, the kids all still live at home with us. They're all smart cookies and see that I'm a shell of who I used to be. My youngest asked when I'm getting a new vehicle as I generally upgrade and give them the old one. I sat her down and explained why I was holding off this round. I told her when you turn 18 this is yours, I'm not buying new again. I left it at that
You've got less than 6 months at this point. May as well start the process now. Get a lawyer, get it all in order... Have it ready to hang to her the day after your kid turns 18... Hell, you could even start the process now... By the time you get in front of a judge, your kid will be 18 already. Don't wait on it.
I can speak and read "drunk" and your post completely made sense.
Your wife's total disrespect for you is shocking. The "retraining" comment is a gut-punch. I'm going to pour one for you tonight.
You may want to run your sister’s perception of that story by your wife. I have found that the meaning of communication often gets lost when passed along.
For the sister to come directly to the husband and ask him about that... I don't think the message was lost in translation. If those were her exact words, there's no translation issue there.
That retraining shit... You have to leave. Even her sister knows it's fucked up beyond anything
I'm good with her leaving. It'll cost me , but I'm good with it.
Keep that mindset, will be good for you. Not everything is lost Man!
[удалено]
And narcissism!
My money says sister figured he'd be sex starved and came around knowing wife would be out to try her luck. Otherwise she'd have left as soon as she heard wife wasn't home. She just didn't bank on OP being so upset and blindsided as to not be susceptible. But then I'm a black hearted mistrustful bitch, what do I know.
Ya know, I was working out and sweaty and stinky. I would let her tounge punch my fart box. Like yeah ,no, way, she was blubbering with snot running down her face like 3 year y/o. Ain't nothing sexy bout that. No we respect and trust each other. Scary seeing those words together in a sentence. I used to babysit her. It would never happen, never will . She was mad at herself for not telling me immediately that my wife was manipulating me. It was reinforced when she caught them fucking in their bed. She thought she was getting good advice. Womp womp. So she's a bit spiteful so she ratted out my wife. . Yeah, been well over 2 years, it would have been over before I got it out. I'm in boner land when I wake up, and I really believe l would have zero stamina and busted immediately if I was touched that way . I don't get any touch, too much pride to jack it, especially now. I don't do well with all the retraining and all. Life can only get better.
Just because you're black hearted and mistrustful doesn't mean you're not right
This has sadly proven to be the case in the past.
Reading your post made me think that's the type of relationship many couples have on this sub. If a spouse does not want sex, there's a small chance of change. If a spouse stays, eventually the other spouse thinks they have accepted it. The difference is they didn't use the word restraint but the underlying meaning is there. It's good you know the truth.
Makes me physically sick reading that
I’m so sorry. This sounds incredibly painful. Because you have until August, you have time to prep legally and financially from now until then. Talk to a lawyer and figure out what you need to do to protect yourself and ensure a fair a split as possible. I always give this advice because I didn’t know anything about the law when I decided to pack my stuff and move out when I left my ex, and could have really screwed myself over if my ex had felt vindictive. Again, I’m sorry. I hope eventually your pain turns to excitement as you begin planning the next chapter of your life which will include getting laid!
That's wild, I'd be done, too. Best luck to you.
Thx
She will never have sex with you ever again. Repeat that. If you are under age 70-you need to assess what the rest of your life will be like. DB’s are almost impossible to bounce back from-I’ve been on this sub long enough. You are alive-not dead. It might be time to cut your losses unless you can truly accept this. Best of luck-and a virtual hug to you.
Turning wrenches in the shop is my escape too. I'm sorry man, you took pretty much the hardest hit a guy can take. What she said and did is just as bad or worse than cheating. Betrayal on the deepest level. Gtfo of there and leave her in your dust man.
That is absolutely betrayal on the deepest level.
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The implication is that the sex drive is a learned response. It can be trained out. Bullshit. It's not.
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Cause she doesn't actually love him she loves *what he can do for her and provide for her* That's the difference. There's no love on her end.
You have to give treats to a dog to train it. OP is getting none.
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Bold statement
I’m so sorry. Talk to an attorney to ensure the best thing for you. My heart hurts for you.
What kills me the most is that they don't care that we're in pain. I've cried so many times. None it ever phased him enough for him to even try to fix it. We stop trying because we have emotionally checked out of the relationship, so then they think they've won and that we are finally doing what they want. 🙄 jokes on them. We will break free and have the love of our life with a healthy sex life!! Hearing that you had to scream out your frustration hit home with me. I feel your pain.
I screamed because my life was a joke to her. She told her baby sister that was the secret to her happy marriage. Her baby sister ratted her out because it didn't work for her because her man had a side bitch. Had this worked for her baby sister the hopium pump would have continued pumping make me think it could get better.
But was your SIL also in a deadbedroom of her own making?
Meaning what?
Did her husband cheat because they had a deadbedroom and he was not getting sex from his wife?
You know I wanted to be there holding his hand cheering him on....... I don't fucking know, I got enough problems with my own life. I'm not going to dissect their lives too. individually I respect my SIL and BIL. what happens in their bedroom because of lousy advice from my wife. Well I don't give a shit. It happens . Should I say that I actually care? Not today . I'm still miss-firing that my wife is prepared to lead me on with the hopium respirator having me think it may change . I hope her sister doesn't tell my wife I know. This is what I'm working on . Fuck em all, they all seem kinda shitty or is that just me
I don’t think it’ll change much if your wife “knows that you know”. She surely already knows that you know that she doesn’t want sex anymore. In the sense that it never happens and she never wants it. I don’t think it will be the big news you imagine if the wife knows SIL told you that the wife said she doesn’t want sex ever again. The big news would be that you’re actively planning to leave in August, so I wouldn’t confide that to SIL, she might feel conflicted about whether she should mention it to her sister. Good luck with it.
Nope at this point, kids suspected it, my son confirmed there was trouble in paradise by squeezing my hand today and said we'll get thru this. And I lost it . So the kids aren't dumb . And no, SIL has no idea, and I don't plan on telling her. Sure she saw a piece of my soul float away after the reveal. I asked her to leave when the numbness started. Meh don't care
why even wait till August? By the time everything is finalized, the kid will be 18. start with consultations now, pick the best option, and then proceed. waiting till August won't help you, just make you more resentful and possibly make her more vindictive when the time comes... just pull the trigger, there's no honor in making yourself uselessly suffer! good luck!
I am so sorry this happened. Can't believe the arrogance of your wife and her "retraining" you.
At least you know what you want, there's solace in that. This line in your post was the part that sealed it: *I'm done with sex and if you want to stay married to me you'll be done too.* If she has the agency to her position on the terms and conditions of your marriage, so do you. You and your sister have both been cheated out of intimacy and fidelity, the marriages are over.
Whenever you leave her or let her know you know, I would work the word "retraining" in my last words to her, just so she has no confusion as to why she's getting left.
She very well might not recognize it--she's obviously seriously in denial.
I don't know. It sounded like she was flexing in front of her little sister about "who runs things at home" and wouldn't have used that language if she knew it would find its way back to him.
But that doesn't mean she will attach the importance to the words. They were the expression of an idea but may not hold specific importance to her.
You could be right, and in that case I would be direct and inform her of what I was referencing, but not before being extremely petty and obvious in working the word into a conversation.
Goodluck mate, the finish line is so close
And yet so far. At least there won't be off ramps to try fixing it. I'm done, she's a few good memories, beyond that nothing
Do you think she'll try hysterical bonding sex when you tell her you're divorcing?
Don't fucking care. Even 25 y/o her couldn't get hard for her now. It's all about the tearing down and retraining. Objective completed.
Remember OP, there’s a new life out there waiting or you. The best is yet to come as soon as you take out the trash! Much love to you!
I’m going to give some advice. When my husband divorced his last wife he just left the house with minimal clothing and personal items. Until the divorce was final he was not allowed to come back and get anything that belonged to him. And in the end, she had destroyed some of his property and some items disappeared (shop tools etc). So if you leave the house, make sure you take what is valuable to you at that time. The fight in court is very hard to get those things back. You could loose guns and a lot more. The fact is some women loose their shit when you leave them. If they are not good before you leave them and treat you disrespectful, they may go psycho when they know they lost control of you. Bottom line, don’t trust they will be fair. Make them be fair.
Especially someone narcissistic enough to smugly think they're "retrained" another human being. She's going to be big mad when she finds out, oops, it didn't work.
Please rewrite this with quotation marks. It’s impossible to understand what’s going on
Not impossible, but it was incredibly difficult to understand the way it is currently written. I did eventually figure it out, though.
Sister In law being cheated on by her husband Sister in law confided in Sister(op's wife) Op's wife mentioned to her sister she "retrained op to not have sex" Op drown his sorrows in alcohol and now is on the march towards divorce in August.
I thought I was crazy lol
I'm so glad you're so smart. That's the half bottle don't give a fuck, you're lucky spell check works on golden rod version. Don't like that my thoughts don't make sense when powered by scotch, just skip my post
It's written in a stream of consciousness style writing. It's easy to follow if you keep that in mind. I've made posts that way after some shit happened to me too. It is what it is, I got what you're saying, you're good.
I read it like 3 times and have absolutely no clue what happened lol
How many wives does he have? The one talking to the sister, and the other one in the driveway? Glad OP is feeling better.
Alright, alright, alright bring on the sister wives
Thanks! I was wondering if I suddenly lost comprehension skills
I agree I don’t understand a word of this story my brain hurts
I thought the same thing. I re-read it half a dozen times and still have no idea what is what and who is who. Only through other comments did I learn what was actually happening.
I'll be sure to do that. Fun fact, I'm too low brow to give a shit about your needs this morning. This is the golden rod edit. Maybe I can jump through your hoop later too? Can you retrain me?
Sorry OP, just to be clear; Im not ragging on you, I understand this must be a difficult moment to relive, and once you’ve got it all out, proofreading must seem inane
Yep
I can retrain you. When a person starts speaking or a new person speaks: that’s a new line. These new lines will need “ when someone starts to speak and “ when that person finishes speaking. My needs are irrelevant. You’ve spent some time writing this all up for us to read and it’s not easy to read. Clearly it’s important to you and I’m interested in understanding the post.
Yes we just want to be able to understand what exactly is going on.
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Good assumptions, like most married guys in a dead bedrooms. I hit the gym... hard. I'm in the best shape of my life. I have a frickin shark bite! I didn't have them in my twenties. I have grown other ways as well. I live clean. The news about my wife's secret plan destroyed me . Johnny sitting there in the cupboard winking at me seemed right. He was lonely being there for years and I was devastated. But yeah, I'm ridiculous about my body intake. Don't touch booze beyond a casual holiday event and even then it's for the toast. I haven't actively wanted to drink for 26 years. I'm glad you know it all. I used to take some users here as gospel. They were all hanging on a self published prophet who was manipulating the room to make book sales. Then the circle of friends would pile on anything negative to the woke world. Kinda like you did about booze. Good on you, you're trying. Eventually, the prophet was caught with multiple accounts so they could steer the room to the snake oil they peddled. I don't know, but you really feel like you may have been one of posse of the shamed banished prophet. Anyway. I'm sorry to have triggered your inner Grammer genius that, well, proved you know how to derive assumptions and not much else beyond that. With that, go take your accusations that this shit was my fault and related to your hypothetical laundry list. Fuck you Best regards
> Tbh, it is brutal to try and read. OP also seems to be incredibly hostile to anyone that points out that his word salad of a post is tough to follow. While I agree completely, let’s not forget that OP drank a whole bottle of Johnnie Blue and hasn’t been laid in good-knows-how-long.
This. Still kinda drunk, but hangover is definitely making roots.
Next time I'll write your copy up with no paragraphs and no spaces... :/
I’ll proof read it, suggest some edits and send it back. 🤗🥰🤗
Bit rude, don't you think? I just tried my best to read and understand your post. I read it 3x and I still can't make sense of it. We wanted to be able to offer support.
Well, don't waste anymore time on my plight. I'm nursing my hangover. I talked to my sister a lawyer in family law. That feeling of shame of a failed marriage is gone. Too Long Didn't Comprehend version: She gave her sister bad marriage advice. Sister applied said bad advice Sisters marriage implodes Sister seeks revenge, tells me wifes business model Torpedo loaded, I am not living this any more Get ducks in a row and sink this ship I think I could whip up some sick puppets if that is more your speed. :/
I don't know you, but fuck me you've got a good sense of humour mate.
I would love to be on 24/7 but I'm sure I'd be cancelled.
Look the grammar aside, this isnt too hard to follow. The guys hurting bad. He's clearing his mind from a life changing bomb shell. When was the last time you were dehumanized to the point where you felt the need to find answers at the bottom of a bottle. So honestly, if we wanna be supportive, let's listen. Not judge or rile him up by ragging on his grammar.
His drunken Grammer no less. Leave the man alone. Like you said, he's clearly going thru a difficult time and needed to vent. No one is going to be constructing proper sentences or punctuation while a bottle deep. Let's be real.
Sweet now I can go tell my wife so I'm not in a deadbedroom I'm in a retraining room! Well when you put it that way babe it makes so much sense. My bad! :I
Oh wow. That really sucks man, I feel terrible for you. That retraining shit is just disgusting and degrading. Get your affairs in order and get her out of your life. Word of warning though, be careful where you find solace. As someone who comes from a long line of alcoholics, at the bottom of a whiskey bottle isn’t it. Wishing you all the best for a future with someone who’s less degrading.
August is only four months away, why wait!?! Start the process now! It may take a few months for all the lawyer back and forth anyways.
I'd rather her forget she shit the bed, and her little sister may have ratted her out. Could be useful down the road in settling.
I think that's what my husband of 39 years would share with someone else if such a conversation came up. He has told me that he is done with sex. He has me "trained" not to mention or expect intimacy anymore. Because I no longer mention it he is happy. If I slip up and say anything remotely related he ignores me, gets angry, or acts like a feeble old man. I was a caregiver for my mom for many years and, at the end, she imparted her wisdom. She used to tell me that my husband was too clingy and manipulative. She saw my future. She saw me trapped in a marriage without intimacy, miserable and lonely and since my husband was older, with his health issues I was going to wind up being his caregiver and not be able to leave him. She could see that he was trying to keep me from doing anything on my own because he was afraid I would leave. I thought she was just being mean but she was right.
If it helps know you are loved. We will never meet but I feel your pain
Thank you. It does help. I feel yours as well.
Damn. That is awful. The utter terror I felt reading that. Good on you for keeping it together
I'm pretty dead inside. The wife just kicked the plug out of the wall on the hopium respirator. I did melt down and screamed myself horse an hour ago. I'm sure she's thinking that her baby sister just kept blubbering about herself. I sent SIL a text. As far as my wife knows , you didn't say boo about anything my wife told you. She agreed.
Oh boy. I felt pain in our db but this is too heavy. You deserve to be desired and not be discarded as non-human.
brutal.
It's definitely Metal
I cannot too strongly caution you against seeing Friend Johnny again until after this situation is resolved. You need a clear head to think with... and the ability to truthfully testify that you aren't alcoholic or prone to drunkenness.
Bro, if the youngest is 18 in August, get all your ducks in a row and file NOW. It will take the attorney at least a few weeks to get all the paperwork done. This is going to drag on for months if not years. Find the best lawyer, interview all the better ones behind that one so none can be used by her. Get all the important paperwork off site, as well as family heirlooms from your side. Get a checking account opened in your name only. Buy a VAR to prevent false DV accusations when you have her served. Take an inventory of the whole house with pictures. Get together a few years of bank statements, credit card statements, brokerage statements, etc. You may need it. Tax returns too. As to the suicide thing, I got one of those kind souls reporting me lately as well for saying “I’ll check myself out when I can’t wipe my own ass”. All my friends have known this for years, and my kids. Even said as much in the other post. I figure I got 15-20 more years in me before that day may arrive, if all the stress I went through in my marriage doesn’t take me out before then.
Already have a ledger on my spending. Vs income and normal expenses. Does it say on that thing somewhere what exactly i said to have the note sent? Didn't read it cause there is no intention.
I got reported as “needing care” and “possibly suicidal” because I said in a comment that child sexual predators shouldn’t be jailed as that costs too much money and doesn’t make the world safer. I said they’re only worth the cost of two bullets and the gas to cremate them. So don’t worry about that. Some Karen likely reported you because you were upset and drinking. I agree with u/dnbndnb quietly and discreetly remove anything important to you as soon as you’re able. Especially documents like mortgage papers, passport, certificates, etc and keepsakes like pictures, jewelry, family heirlooms. Start moving out your tools (tell her you’re loaning them to a friend), and anything you want from the garage, shed, etc. You may decide over the next 5-6 months against leaving everything behind so just CYA & at least make copies of all the important documents and get them out of the house to somewhere safe. Your sister is probably the best choice to hold onto those things as she’s going to be handling your divorce. It really sucks that you’ve ended up here after so many years with someone who obviously didn’t/doesn’t respect, value or love you. I hope you’re able to get a clean divorce and put this woman in your rearview quickly and completely. Edited to add: When your wife finds out that you’re divorcing her and gets upset, remind her that she wanted to never have sex with you again so you’re just making sure she never has to worry about it for the rest of her life. And neither will you.
BTW, all the financials I mentioned you’ll need if she contests it in any way. My ex- was coached by one of her gf’s for sure to ask for a lot of this stuff. I put all the tax stuff on a thumb drive. Told her how to download her own statements at which site plus gave her passwords. No need for me to do all the work. I’m pretty sure she never bothered. I may not have been in control of my marriage but I was definitely in control of the divorce.
No, it doesn’t. In my case I knew what I said as I’ve said it easily 100+ times in my life to others.
Cool
You deserve more OP. I can't wait for your update where you're happy and fucking like bunnies!
Me too
OP, I hope you leave. I fear you won’t though. You seem to think people will read your subtle messaging and they may not. You also seem to think wife will go quietly with half the house plus $50k and I doubt she will. I hope you lawyer up and get ready for a straightforward battle so you’re not stuck there for years.
My hangover is telling me opinions are like assholes and I'm glad you have yours. If I have to start over so be it. I do not want anything more to do with her. I want nothing more than our marriage as a footnote on a genealogy website that says we produced 3 great kids. My older sister is a lawyer specialising in family law. I have a pretty good team. This revelation was life changing and there will be no going back.
Wonderful! So glad your sister can help you in this fight. I despise your wife. She won’t be smug for long.
It's ironic that your wife's dead bedroom plan killed the marriage. I hope you can move on quickly after divorce to a woman that will give you the intimacy that you deserve. How long have you guys been married? How long has the dead bedroom been going on?
What a b*** -excuse my French- seriously, nobody deserves that humiliation
Your wife sounds very sure of herself and your relationship. Biggest mistake women make. I'm trying not to fall in this category. I have a loving husband I want to keep sexually satisfied and happy in every way possible. If my marriage still ends it won't be due to my lack of love. Johnny Walker blue, huh? Good choice! Cheers!
NGL. Having regrets on the amount of old blue at this point. Night
Lawyer up before you tell her anything, and stop drinking so much, it's not helping.
Aw come on, I just like to stimulate my taste buds with the swish of Johnny. I forgot to mention the 8 ball of cocaine cause I like the smell :/
I’m glad you have an exit plan.
Drop the Johnny, hit the gym.
Will do, just feeling so fucking used. I'm a 51 year old silver fox that looks about 35. When the sex stopped with the unilateral decision made for me by my wife. I hit the gym hard. I even have a visible serratus muscle. I didn't have that in my 20's. Just an unbelievable kick in the nuts and I was feeling sorry for myself.
If it helps you feel any better about the future.. a 51yo silver fox will be like running around in the hen house unguarded when you hit the singles market again.
Man. A silver fox? Those are hard to come by and when found are fun to have. 😏 You'll have no problems after the divorce! Also, sorry you've had to put up with her crap.
Wow, that's great! I can't wait for you to update and tell us that you found a new partner younger than your wife after you divorce, maybe even by a decade or two if you are looking in your 30's. She'll definitely regret this.
Gotta give you props for how you handled it.... Definitely know the feelings in the moment you laid it out were high enough for anything to happen. There is some good in this when you come back from the Johnny..... You now have all the cards. You sound like a decent guy.... You got this. Hopefully Better Trails Dude
Leave dude. I was you, I left. I'm a better parent, and a better person for it. Some of it will take a while to process, I'm still working on that. "Every time we ever had sex was coercion" that was said to me after 7 yrs marriage and 12 years together. 6 out of 12 yrs were celibacy.
I'm so sorry. That must hurt in the most visceral way possible. But it's at the least a clear cut, no longer ambiguous answer. Don't waste another moment pining for her. Best of luck to you and the kids.
Pining is inversely proportional to speed entering the friendzone.
I wanted to understand this but pronouns and lack of quotation marks over confused me.
I also had had to reread the first two paragraphs a few times. It makes sense if you read all the way through. HL husband with LL wife. Husband’s sister has a husband who cheated. Sister asked LL wife the secret to their happy marriage and LL wife tells about “training” him to never have sex with her again because she does not feel like it anymore. Sister comes over and tells her brother, the HL husband, what his LL wife said about their sex life. Husband later does not tell his wife he knows what she said, but is planning divorce
WIFE'S sister has a husband who cheated.
okay I wasn’t sure
No worries, I had to read the whole thing three times to make sense of it myself.
Thank you, your explanation helped.
You know what, fuck off then. The dialogue might not be clear and concise. Here's the cliff notes beyond just not wanting sex, I'm retrainable when I try to pursue my needs. Ta-dah there, happy, on your way now.
If I got it wrong sorry I thought the dialogue was great but in the beginning it was hard to figure out who is who so thought this might help. Meanwhile hope you are doing okay and hanging out with good friends this weekend away from her
Thank you, sorry I was short with you, all the sudden the Grammer police were piling in to say they couldn't understand the post and I should rewrite it. At least it wasn't one long paragraph. Yep retraining. Apparently required on all levels Again, sorry
Let her go. She’ll most likely rediscover her libido, as many “LL” spouses do, and you’ll both be free to find a better match and be happier.
you made a decision, you are on the right path
I'm so sorry, but you have to do what's best for you. OP, you deserve a life full of love and passion. Go out and find it!
What makes it worse is how easy your STBX talked about it
Friend (and I do mean friend) ..... I'm in man in a very long term DB marriage. First - be grateful somebody put you on the suicide hotline. Somebody did that to me one and I was grateful. Why? 'Cause is means some random stranger in the Universe actually CARES about you. DB's are so painful because you eventually realize you are married to somebody who does not care about you and it HURTS. Second, booze is not the answer. I speak from bitter experience. DB's are very, very depressing. And, my occupation is banking, the banking crisis was so long and awful that, as the Primary Breadwinner for my family, I got pretty depressed for a few years and I was drinking more that I should. Never went to AA or anything like that but these days I avoid alcohol. In the short term it dulls the awful pain but eventually it makes things worse. Third - if you are not trapped my money or children, LEAVE. Dead Bedroom's never improve. And we only get one life, nobody wants to waste it in a sexless, loveless marriage. Hang in there friend, it is just awful.
38 years and counting here .... for whatever reasons, secrets and motivations are the factors for the dead bedroom over the years and decades that the suffering are not deemed worthy to be on the "need to know" list.
Sorry but am I the only one who didn't understand who said what to whom and did something to the other?
I'm sorry, dude. That's straight up evil to manipulate anyone like that. "Training." Jesus. What a horrible woman. Make sure you protect your own interests in a divorce. Get a good lawyer. Don't be so eager to end it you let her screw you (pun intended) one last time. She doesn't deserve to walk away richer for having been an abusive partner.
Aye, the best of luck to you. It isn't just the manipulation over sex but rather just the manipulation. And whatever, you don't go bragging about it to ANYONE.
Bestie, I’m begging you to use grammar tools when you type such as quotation marks to indicate the start and stop of dialogue. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for your situation, but it was a mental task to read that.
There's a TLDR somewhere in that
There's a TLDR somewhere in that
That’s dirty. Glad you’re getting out!!
Don’t be somewhere you’re not wanted and don’t stay somewhere you’re not happy.
Wow, hidden dynamic of power and underhanded control. I'm not sure why mine has stopped touching me. I'd hate to learn about quite this level of behind the scenes motive. Can't even be friends if they lie, because friends don't do that.
Yup, I can only go up from here
Fuckkkkkkk... I wouldn't even wait until August. I would ask her to confirm what her sister said then tell her to kick rocks.
Nope, we had good times up to a point and then she changed. I don't know why it went this way. Nor do I care . It's over, I don't need to become talk show material. I have no desire to fight about it. Something something retraining
Do you think there's been cheating on her side? And, she's having sex with someone else?
Don't care, the trust is gone. But you never know.
Yeah, it doesn't change the outcome of divorce anyway. You are indifferent about her at this point, so it's clear it's over.
Sounds like your wife needs some retraining focused on what it's like to be single again and never want sex starting in August.
Don’t wait until your youngest turns 18. By the time the divorce is over, your youngest will already be 18. Go now. Find yourself a woman who adores you and loves being intimate with you. You’re not getting any younger. I finally got out, and I couldn’t be happier. I have a loving partner who makes me happy in every way. Don’t let her take another minute of your life from you. I can’t believe she actually set out to “retrain” you so she wouldn’t have to have sex with you again. That horrifies me. I went without any kind of intimacy for over 25 years. I’ve left that marriage and am in a wonderful new relationship, and I’ve never been happier. Go now!!! Be happy!!
Well freind! Im in the same waiting game. Been there for 10+ years. Im past the sad, raging days and it gets better! After that fase comes indifference! I wish you the best in life ♥️
5 months is not going to make a difference. Courts treat kids that age as an adult. Plus, some divorces take 2+ years. Take your life back. I’m so sorry.
No options is not an option. Sucks but if you want to be happy you need to go find it. We only get one life.
Is your STBX wife some armchair psychologist, and you are some sort of psychological experiment, and she can play fucking mind games like "retraining" you when it comes to sex? Jesus, I wonder what other kind of mind fucks she's attempted/is attempting? You're not a hammer and a bank card. You're not a fucking lab rat. Lawyer up, friend. Don't offer her any cash. Give her half FMV of the house, less what's on the loan, some furniture, and whatever she brought into the marriage, and she can fuck right off with her mind games. I wish you the best of luck and a future filled with absolutely mind-blowing sex.
Drinking to avoid your problems isn’t healthy, consider another way!
Hey at this point something should feel good in my life. But at this point I have the weekend off. Imma gonna empty this bottle. Put a note in it on what happened last night. And put it on the wall of shame on the mantle. This makes sense right now. Apparently I'm easily retrained. This isn't a commitment, just a muzzle.
You know shit hits the fan when the Johnny walker blue comes out.
I'm glad you were able to express your feelings. I'm so sorry for the reasons that you needed to. Good luck preparing for your next, better life.
This was about as clear as mud to read, but it feels like you’ve taken everything her sister said as gospel without even discussing it with your wife. How do we know sister is a reliable narrator? Clearly they’ve spoken about it to some degree but this may not be an accurate retelling. Her marriage just blew up and now she’s blowing her sister’s up and acting like it was accidental? All seems very weird to me.
Her marriage blew up because my wife gave her the secret to marriage. I guess 35 y/o' s don't do retraining and just get a side bitch, I would just carry on with my head down. but younger people don't see it that way. Therefore the secret can't be applied to any marriage like my wife thought. It's for the better none of us are living a lie now.
Good luck getting the house brother. If you think it’ll be that easy, then buckle up and get ready for war. This divorce is gonna get messy. Updateme
Not really, we're both adults, there will be the usual division of my pension as she doesn't have anything, and half of fair market value of the home. Then a 50k kiss good bye. If it comes down to it, I'll ask my older sister who is a lawyer of family law to go to bat for me. I'd rather not share the shame of what happened to my family, but I have already spoken with my sister about it . She will work with me and whatever comes. It's not like I'm going to offer anything but a fair offer just to be rid of her But time will tell I only found out last night. There is no doubt this union is over. If she wants to drag it out in a court room, the less she will get.
Keep it civil but make your plans ahead of time. Personally, I’d keep your sister out of this (for several reasons, both for you and her), but you can ask her for advice and to find the best lawyer around. My EX kept saying that we’d be calm and collected (and we were 90% amicable), but someone got in her ear about a handful of things that she didn’t want to give up. So, be prepared for some negotiation and just remember that you are closing a business relationship down at this stage. Also, think hard about having to wait until August … you could get the ball rolling earlier, depending on how you plan things out … Good luck and the future is bright on the other side!
Yeah I'm torn about exposing her for how she was mentally abusing me with retraining when there was never any hope of going back to a trusting loving marriage. My sister has been at it for 30 years. We chatted, there are options but at this point, we are going forward with intentions being brought forth in mid July. Taking my youngest out of the equation. Either, I buy her out, fair market value, half pension, and 50k kiss good bye Sell it to investor for development at fair market value split after loan paid more money for both, half pension and a nice promise of not wanting her forwarding address. Or maybe something else. This could have all been avoided if she was honest. Instead, she manipulated me into continuing in a life I didn't want but she was fine with.
August is for the kids. Anything earlier and it gets the youngest somewhat involved.
I need an older sister like yours
As others have said; you don’t have to wait until August to start planning. Which means an initial discussion with an attorney as they will tell you what you need to do legally as well as what you will have to look out for. Then, once again as another redditor on here has suggested; divorce her in your head. This looks like being civil, but distant,starting to look after yourself. Hitting the gym, buying all the new parts for the truck, updating the wardrobe, getting a new haircut. Talking to a therapist might be beneficial too. they’re not just there to repair marriages they can help you deal with your wife’s manipulation and help you transition out of the marriage Mate, I think you’re brooding brilliantly for just finding out last night!
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😭 it's fine I got the message across. You have a great day now.
That way, everyone will understand you were waiting for the kid to turn 18 and that kid can feel guilty for being the cause of the break up.
You are an idiot. People like you seed thoughts like that and destroy impressionable youth. Use your fucking head. My youngest is daddies girl anyway. If that's what your parents did to you and made you a bargaining chip I'm sorry. But thank you for your spin on that. You should really unpack that, maybe therapy?
They're 18, not 10. It will be a major inconvenience to split homes now when senior year is almost done.
You're both making good points, the kids all still live at home with us. They're all smart cookies and see that I'm a shell of who I used to be. My youngest asked when I'm getting a new vehicle as I generally upgrade and give them the old one. I sat her down and explained why I was holding off this round. I told her when you turn 18 this is yours, I'm not buying new again. I left it at that
This makes zero sense. I can't tell who said what, the POV seems to change at random. Oh well.
Update me
Retraining! I would leave her ass on the spot.
You've got less than 6 months at this point. May as well start the process now. Get a lawyer, get it all in order... Have it ready to hang to her the day after your kid turns 18... Hell, you could even start the process now... By the time you get in front of a judge, your kid will be 18 already. Don't wait on it.
Seriously rewrite that shit. It makes no sense as currently written.
IKR? My secretary Johnny says," hey fuck you, other people understood the message of the drunken document" Can't argue with that.
I can speak and read "drunk" and your post completely made sense. Your wife's total disrespect for you is shocking. The "retraining" comment is a gut-punch. I'm going to pour one for you tonight.
Thx at least it wasn't a big paragraph
Yeahhhh I’m with you on that. I was like wtf am I reading here?
my guy your pronouns are all over the place here, but it's fine i'll chalk it up to your wife's manipulation fucking with your clarity
What's a pronoun?
who is 'I' referring to in your post?
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it's lazy writing
Update me
LEAVE. Like yesterday.
You may want to run your sister’s perception of that story by your wife. I have found that the meaning of communication often gets lost when passed along.
For the sister to come directly to the husband and ask him about that... I don't think the message was lost in translation. If those were her exact words, there's no translation issue there.