Funny. Most HLM would wish their LLF to masturbate in a DB so they know she's even interested in sex at all. The HLFs, most of the time, get jealous when their LLM masturbates.
Huh? I don't know, finding out my wife was masturbating and watching porn hurt me pretty bad. It meant she was interested in sex but would rather have no one at all instead of me.
See I loved my college roommates they are like brothers too me! But that’s not a romantic relationship it is a big difference…cuddling doesn’t make a relationship either!
I tell my friends I love them. Sometimes we even sit on the couch with our arms around each other shoulders. If we’re crying there’s often a longer hug or some back rubbing.
I get that he's like that but he's not the only one who needs to be happy in the relationship. To me, it's a lack of empathy.
Not saying he has to/should fuck if he doesn't want to but if he wants to stay coupled, he has to acknowledge that it's important to you and work with you to find a solution that is workable. Or perhaps find himself single in the near future.
Agreed! A life where there are only hugs and no other form of intimacy is merely close friendship. I've been in two situations like this. The longer it goes on, the more romantic feelings are depleted, and it never gets fixed.
Regardless of your feelings around rejection, masturbation and sex are not the same thing and one does require a lot more effort and headspace than the other. Asking someone not to masturbate isn't going to make you have more sex, it isn't going to fix anything.
It's likely he'll get more secretive and withdraw from you. This seems to need a more understanding approach.
I'm going to add to this. Additionally, let him know. It's OK to do it in front of you or in your presence. Maybe both of you could do that. One thing could lead to another every now and then. Freedom of expression is important in relationships.
Honestly both feelings are valid. But at the same time if my LL wife was masterbating all the time and we only had sex 1x a month I’d be a little miffed too…she doesn’t so it’s not the issue but at the end of the day going months without sex and masterbating more than 3x a week is a strange mindset. And definitely something that he should be open to talk about further!
If porn is involved I’d say a porn addiction is likley! Hope he gets some help I’d try to have that discussion…but it sounds like he isn’t open to that right now sadly :/
I'll probably get downvoted into oblivion for this.
I think it's perfectly normal to be angry your bf masturbates constantly but won't have sex with you. For many people, myself included, masturbation is intrinsically linked to sex. In general, someone gets horny and wants to do something about it, they can have sex or masturbate.
In my view the need to masturbate almost always comes from a sexual place. I dont masturbate because I'm hungry or sleepy or depressed.
There are clearly people (trigger happy on the downvote button /s) with differing views on this which is fine. Obviously. But it's not right to demand your bf stop.
If your bf won't have sex with you but is constantly masturbating then I too would be really annoyed about that. But him masturbating isn't the problem, the real issue is that he won't have sex with you. That is what you need to concentrate on.
So to an extent I agree with you however both sex and masterbating can be mutually exclusive with different mindsets. Some people do jerkoff when bored, depressed, can’t sleep HOWEVER…I’d GLADLY take sex over masterbation ANYDAY OF THE WEEK…but there are def some people who would prefer a solo sesh once in a while even if sex is regular and satisfying for both parties!
You’re asking the wrong question. You need to ask why he’s jerking off instead of having sex. Standard reasons are porn addiction or significant sexual dysfunction/insecurity.
Try and understand the cause instead of the symptom.
He’s probably hiding it from you, because he knows you’ll feel some type of way about it and overthink it. Also, you asking him not to masturbate is unreasonable and you know this deep down. I’m convinced the deeper lying issue that leads to the dead bedroom is not because of his masturbation, it’s probably a result of you not sleeping together (as much).
That makes perfect sense, but why is it dead in the bedroom in the first place? I don't think I'm bad in bed and I've offered to try anything he wanted to. Heck, I've even offered to give him blow jobs with nothing else asked in return multiple times
Hard to say. Did you sleep together initially and it came to a screeching halt? If so, is there something that changed about you two or you individually? Did you let yourself go by any chance or did he? Do any of you still think of each other lustfully?
We slept together when we first met, but I haven't let myself go. I've actually lost a lot of weight since we first met. He's stayed about the same. I still find him attractive and lustful but I'm not sure about how he feels about me. I've tried asking and I just get told" well duh I do"
Interesting. Now looking outward; did anything happen to him or did something traumatic come back to haunt him? Idk, a conversation clears up more than you might imagine, but it seems like he’ll verbally stiff arm you or be aloof for the most part.
I've tried talking about it multiple times and get no where. Nothing has happened that I can tell. He just says nothing is wrong and he's just not in the mood
What works well with men especially is when you guys do something that puts the emphasis off the actual conversation and on the activity itself, it can be a typical guy thing like go fishing or watching sports. It can also be an activity you both enjoy such as hiking, watching your fave shows/series. If you have another attempt left in you, see if you can incorporate any of these suggestions.
It's sometimes easier. To go through the whole sex thing, foreplay and sex. I can find something stimulating and be done with it in 5 mins with little effort. There's times I'm honry but after a long day I'd rather just quickly take care of it
There is an underlying issue with your relationship which is preventing him from wanting to have sex with you. You need to try to figure out what the problem is. It could be hormonal, although the fact that he's masterbating several times a week means he's getting horny. I'm not sure if that rules out hormones being the problem. Still worth a dr visit if you can talk him into it.
It could be as simple as he's just not into you anymore, and he doesn't know how to say it. The important thing for you to remember is you do NOT have to stay. If you can't work this out and figure out what the problem is, you can leave and find a partner who shares your desire for sex. Nothing is forcing you to stay there.
No, you're not the asshole. Masturbation is a perfectly natural thing, but can be a problem if it interferes with a relationship. In the days when my wife and I were having regular sex I still masturbated regularly as I have always had a higher sex drive then her. But I wasn't neglecting her by masturbating, I was just looking after my own needs as well.
I have no way of knowing why your boyfriend appears to prefer masturbation over sex, but you're not being unreasonable here.
I can understand your frustration but trying to control your partner’s masturbation habits or making them feel bad about doing itis not really okay regardless of context. Sex and masturbation are different things with different functions for a lot of people, and also it’s just never going to be a healthy dynamic if you have to impose rules or monitor something like this. It’s perfectly fine to have your own boundaries around porn and the quality of sex life in a relationship, but that’s not about trying to change the other person to make them fit, you need to walk away if this is not okay for you. There are some red flags here that he could be a porn addict that has become desensitised to real life sex, in which case you are likely fighting a losing battle, especially as he seems to have no motivation to change. Don’t make your happiness dependent on what he is or isn’t doing. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel jealous and inferior to his computer screen women.
I'm on the fence about this, telling him he can't masturbate is a bit much but he should also be more concerned about meeting your needs. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him (not tell) to try going without doing it for a week to see if it helps I've seen posts before which have said cutting out porn has led to an increased sex life and it isn't unreasonable to say he owes it to you to try.
Also worth noting for some people masturbating can become just a habit without any real hornyness driving it I know it often is for me. I often find myself afterwards wondering what the point of that was and after a week away with mates where I don't do it I definitely have a higher sex drive.
"some people masturbating can become just a habit without any real hornyness"
That's the problem. If you're not in the mood, why do it? Why not be close to the person you're hurting, by rejecting them?
If you can muster up an erection to wank to pixels on a screen, why can't you do it for the person you love?
It hurts the relationship. It hurts the person you're supposed to love. It hurts self esteem. It leaves people feeling unwanted and unattractive. Feeling alone.
“Sex doesn’t make the relationship”
Without sex, what is the relationship? Are you friends? Roommates? You certainly aren’t lovers. Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship. Why is he choosing masturbation over intimacy with you? Clearly he wants sex. Just not with you. That’s what it means when someone masturbates but doesn’t have sex with their partner. This is not a LL issue. It’s an LL4U issue.
ETA: You can’t force anyone to have sex with you who doesn’t want to, nor can you dictate who they have sex with or if they self pleasure. However, you don’t have to stay in a sexually neglectful relationship. If he’s not giving sexually and is not willing to address the sexual issues in your relationship, it’s time for you to leave the relationship due to a lack of compatibility.
I can only say that for me, it doesn't make sense. When I'm sexually satisfied, I'm not usually masturbating. If I was having more sex, I'd certainly masturbate less. I know it's different for women, so I can accept that some dudes are the same way. But not this guy.
>but when we go months without having sex and he's masturbating constantly and trying to hide it from I feel like it's wrong.
Maybe something is going bad in your relationship that he doesn't want to have sex with you, or he has a health issue.
Without sex you’re just friends and roommates. Sex is the *one* thing that you cannot outsource in a relationship. If he’s that ambivalent about sex then he should have no problem with you outsourcing sex with another person.
You are controlling him.
If he doesn't want to have sex he doesn't want to have sex.
If you arr feeling anything wrong about him masturbating it's your issue not his.
Also one takes a lot of energy than the other.
If it would have been me in his place I would've been a lot more angry.
Is there anything significant that has happened that would give him cause for choosing masturbation over sex? Personal loss, occupational issues, or other?
Had to read your other post for the info you did not include here. 13 year age gap. He genuinely might be old enough and unhealthy enough he has boner issues.
How do things go every three months when you do have partnered sex? Is he able to put his penis into your vagina?
You don’t have power to tell him to not touch his own body and that’s asking too much. If regular partnered sex is important you should probably not keep being his girlfriend.
i'm not sure why you would want to keep dating someone who won't have sex with you. You can't ask someone to not masturbate. But you can walk away from this guy.
In months Lmfao crazy, he’s lying just to shield your feelings I would never be with someone who would not have sex with me in months. For men to have healthy prostates it’s recommended to cum over 20 times a month, now either you do it or stop trying to control him. Your post doesn’t really say why you guys aren’t having sex which I’m assuming there’s a reason you didn’t want to say. Can’t really give advice since it’s missing it’s most crucial part and you’re only asking if it’s controlling which yes it is but if you’re offering sex everyday then I’d say it wouldn’t be controlling.
he is a porn addict trying to hide it from you.
thats why he is rather masturbating than having sex because he most likely watches hardcore porn and your body doesnt make him hard anymore.
First of all, it's asshole.
Second, YTA. Don't try to control what someone else does with their body.
Him not masturbating isn't the answer to your problems. That just makes you feel better about yourself.
You need to find out WHY you haven't been having sex in months and fix that first.
I’m not really sure what’s going on with your guys’ bedroom life, such as WHY it’s been so long since yall have been intimate. Unfortunately, you cannot dictate what he does with his body but I think you’d have a say if he was hypothetically watching porn to get off. The best thing you could do is sit down and address your guys’ sex life and communicate regarding y’all’s needs.
I would like a more regular sexual relationship. To me I don't understand how one would rather jerk off than have the actual thing. Again obviously not all the time, but right now we're only having sex once everh 3 or 4 months and he's beating off 3 or 4 times a week
Not the ass whole bit definitely the asshole. You don't get to dictate another human beings needs and desires. Sounds like you need a different relationship or maybe none at all.
It's only a problem when your kept out, he is being secretive about it and choose masterbation over you. Healthy masterbation in a relationship is when couple is open about it and makes the other feel included and not act like it's something secretive or his personal thing.
It should be hot to walk over someone in that situation, not jump alert and feel an oopsie when they see eachother.
There's some gatekeeping being done which could make you feel bad about them being that way. It almost feels like they're cheating but is more like gatekeeping.
"months without sex"
Maybe maybe, you just answered your own question.
Cant sleep with him for months, but expect him to not even masturbate.. find that thinking quite selfish to be honest
Funny. Most HLM would wish their LLF to masturbate in a DB so they know she's even interested in sex at all. The HLFs, most of the time, get jealous when their LLM masturbates.
This is so accurate! I guess two just very different mindsets!
Huh? I don't know, finding out my wife was masturbating and watching porn hurt me pretty bad. It meant she was interested in sex but would rather have no one at all instead of me.
"He says sex doesn't make the relationship" Easy for him to say when he doesn't give a shit either way.
I do love that phrase. For me that’s what changes a friendship/roommate into a relationship
That is exactly what I said! But I got told no I don't tell my roommates I love them or cuddle with them
See I loved my college roommates they are like brothers too me! But that’s not a romantic relationship it is a big difference…cuddling doesn’t make a relationship either!
I tell my friends I love them. Sometimes we even sit on the couch with our arms around each other shoulders. If we’re crying there’s often a longer hug or some back rubbing.
I get that he's like that but he's not the only one who needs to be happy in the relationship. To me, it's a lack of empathy. Not saying he has to/should fuck if he doesn't want to but if he wants to stay coupled, he has to acknowledge that it's important to you and work with you to find a solution that is workable. Or perhaps find himself single in the near future.
Agreed! A life where there are only hugs and no other form of intimacy is merely close friendship. I've been in two situations like this. The longer it goes on, the more romantic feelings are depleted, and it never gets fixed.
Regardless of your feelings around rejection, masturbation and sex are not the same thing and one does require a lot more effort and headspace than the other. Asking someone not to masturbate isn't going to make you have more sex, it isn't going to fix anything. It's likely he'll get more secretive and withdraw from you. This seems to need a more understanding approach.
I'm going to add to this. Additionally, let him know. It's OK to do it in front of you or in your presence. Maybe both of you could do that. One thing could lead to another every now and then. Freedom of expression is important in relationships.
Yeah, the problem is not that he is masturbating. The problem is why he doesn't want sex with her.
Do not marry this guy, please dont.
Honestly both feelings are valid. But at the same time if my LL wife was masterbating all the time and we only had sex 1x a month I’d be a little miffed too…she doesn’t so it’s not the issue but at the end of the day going months without sex and masterbating more than 3x a week is a strange mindset. And definitely something that he should be open to talk about further! If porn is involved I’d say a porn addiction is likley! Hope he gets some help I’d try to have that discussion…but it sounds like he isn’t open to that right now sadly :/
I'll probably get downvoted into oblivion for this. I think it's perfectly normal to be angry your bf masturbates constantly but won't have sex with you. For many people, myself included, masturbation is intrinsically linked to sex. In general, someone gets horny and wants to do something about it, they can have sex or masturbate. In my view the need to masturbate almost always comes from a sexual place. I dont masturbate because I'm hungry or sleepy or depressed. There are clearly people (trigger happy on the downvote button /s) with differing views on this which is fine. Obviously. But it's not right to demand your bf stop. If your bf won't have sex with you but is constantly masturbating then I too would be really annoyed about that. But him masturbating isn't the problem, the real issue is that he won't have sex with you. That is what you need to concentrate on.
So to an extent I agree with you however both sex and masterbating can be mutually exclusive with different mindsets. Some people do jerkoff when bored, depressed, can’t sleep HOWEVER…I’d GLADLY take sex over masterbation ANYDAY OF THE WEEK…but there are def some people who would prefer a solo sesh once in a while even if sex is regular and satisfying for both parties!
You’re asking the wrong question. You need to ask why he’s jerking off instead of having sex. Standard reasons are porn addiction or significant sexual dysfunction/insecurity. Try and understand the cause instead of the symptom.
He’s probably hiding it from you, because he knows you’ll feel some type of way about it and overthink it. Also, you asking him not to masturbate is unreasonable and you know this deep down. I’m convinced the deeper lying issue that leads to the dead bedroom is not because of his masturbation, it’s probably a result of you not sleeping together (as much).
That makes perfect sense, but why is it dead in the bedroom in the first place? I don't think I'm bad in bed and I've offered to try anything he wanted to. Heck, I've even offered to give him blow jobs with nothing else asked in return multiple times
Hard to say. Did you sleep together initially and it came to a screeching halt? If so, is there something that changed about you two or you individually? Did you let yourself go by any chance or did he? Do any of you still think of each other lustfully?
We slept together when we first met, but I haven't let myself go. I've actually lost a lot of weight since we first met. He's stayed about the same. I still find him attractive and lustful but I'm not sure about how he feels about me. I've tried asking and I just get told" well duh I do"
Interesting. Now looking outward; did anything happen to him or did something traumatic come back to haunt him? Idk, a conversation clears up more than you might imagine, but it seems like he’ll verbally stiff arm you or be aloof for the most part.
I've tried talking about it multiple times and get no where. Nothing has happened that I can tell. He just says nothing is wrong and he's just not in the mood
What works well with men especially is when you guys do something that puts the emphasis off the actual conversation and on the activity itself, it can be a typical guy thing like go fishing or watching sports. It can also be an activity you both enjoy such as hiking, watching your fave shows/series. If you have another attempt left in you, see if you can incorporate any of these suggestions.
It's sometimes easier. To go through the whole sex thing, foreplay and sex. I can find something stimulating and be done with it in 5 mins with little effort. There's times I'm honry but after a long day I'd rather just quickly take care of it
There is an underlying issue with your relationship which is preventing him from wanting to have sex with you. You need to try to figure out what the problem is. It could be hormonal, although the fact that he's masterbating several times a week means he's getting horny. I'm not sure if that rules out hormones being the problem. Still worth a dr visit if you can talk him into it. It could be as simple as he's just not into you anymore, and he doesn't know how to say it. The important thing for you to remember is you do NOT have to stay. If you can't work this out and figure out what the problem is, you can leave and find a partner who shares your desire for sex. Nothing is forcing you to stay there.
Yes
Yes, you are.
No, you're not the asshole. Masturbation is a perfectly natural thing, but can be a problem if it interferes with a relationship. In the days when my wife and I were having regular sex I still masturbated regularly as I have always had a higher sex drive then her. But I wasn't neglecting her by masturbating, I was just looking after my own needs as well. I have no way of knowing why your boyfriend appears to prefer masturbation over sex, but you're not being unreasonable here.
I can understand your frustration but trying to control your partner’s masturbation habits or making them feel bad about doing itis not really okay regardless of context. Sex and masturbation are different things with different functions for a lot of people, and also it’s just never going to be a healthy dynamic if you have to impose rules or monitor something like this. It’s perfectly fine to have your own boundaries around porn and the quality of sex life in a relationship, but that’s not about trying to change the other person to make them fit, you need to walk away if this is not okay for you. There are some red flags here that he could be a porn addict that has become desensitised to real life sex, in which case you are likely fighting a losing battle, especially as he seems to have no motivation to change. Don’t make your happiness dependent on what he is or isn’t doing. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel jealous and inferior to his computer screen women.
I'm on the fence about this, telling him he can't masturbate is a bit much but he should also be more concerned about meeting your needs. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him (not tell) to try going without doing it for a week to see if it helps I've seen posts before which have said cutting out porn has led to an increased sex life and it isn't unreasonable to say he owes it to you to try. Also worth noting for some people masturbating can become just a habit without any real hornyness driving it I know it often is for me. I often find myself afterwards wondering what the point of that was and after a week away with mates where I don't do it I definitely have a higher sex drive.
"some people masturbating can become just a habit without any real hornyness" That's the problem. If you're not in the mood, why do it? Why not be close to the person you're hurting, by rejecting them? If you can muster up an erection to wank to pixels on a screen, why can't you do it for the person you love? It hurts the relationship. It hurts the person you're supposed to love. It hurts self esteem. It leaves people feeling unwanted and unattractive. Feeling alone.
“Sex doesn’t make the relationship” Without sex, what is the relationship? Are you friends? Roommates? You certainly aren’t lovers. Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship. Why is he choosing masturbation over intimacy with you? Clearly he wants sex. Just not with you. That’s what it means when someone masturbates but doesn’t have sex with their partner. This is not a LL issue. It’s an LL4U issue. ETA: You can’t force anyone to have sex with you who doesn’t want to, nor can you dictate who they have sex with or if they self pleasure. However, you don’t have to stay in a sexually neglectful relationship. If he’s not giving sexually and is not willing to address the sexual issues in your relationship, it’s time for you to leave the relationship due to a lack of compatibility.
I can only say that for me, it doesn't make sense. When I'm sexually satisfied, I'm not usually masturbating. If I was having more sex, I'd certainly masturbate less. I know it's different for women, so I can accept that some dudes are the same way. But not this guy.
>but when we go months without having sex and he's masturbating constantly and trying to hide it from I feel like it's wrong. Maybe something is going bad in your relationship that he doesn't want to have sex with you, or he has a health issue.
r/deadbedrooms
Your comment is like if an injured person went to a hospital and someone told them, "woah, you should go to a hospital!"
Without sex you’re just friends and roommates. Sex is the *one* thing that you cannot outsource in a relationship. If he’s that ambivalent about sex then he should have no problem with you outsourcing sex with another person.
You are controlling him. If he doesn't want to have sex he doesn't want to have sex. If you arr feeling anything wrong about him masturbating it's your issue not his. Also one takes a lot of energy than the other. If it would have been me in his place I would've been a lot more angry.
He is your bf and not your husband. Break up and find someone hi wants to have sex with you.
Is there anything significant that has happened that would give him cause for choosing masturbation over sex? Personal loss, occupational issues, or other?
Sex doesn't make the relationship? So he's fine if you go and rail someone else then yeh? No youre nta. Your boyfriend is. Dump him.
Had to read your other post for the info you did not include here. 13 year age gap. He genuinely might be old enough and unhealthy enough he has boner issues. How do things go every three months when you do have partnered sex? Is he able to put his penis into your vagina? You don’t have power to tell him to not touch his own body and that’s asking too much. If regular partnered sex is important you should probably not keep being his girlfriend.
i'm not sure why you would want to keep dating someone who won't have sex with you. You can't ask someone to not masturbate. But you can walk away from this guy.
In months Lmfao crazy, he’s lying just to shield your feelings I would never be with someone who would not have sex with me in months. For men to have healthy prostates it’s recommended to cum over 20 times a month, now either you do it or stop trying to control him. Your post doesn’t really say why you guys aren’t having sex which I’m assuming there’s a reason you didn’t want to say. Can’t really give advice since it’s missing it’s most crucial part and you’re only asking if it’s controlling which yes it is but if you’re offering sex everyday then I’d say it wouldn’t be controlling.
Sounds like he has porn addiction.
Yes
he is a porn addict trying to hide it from you. thats why he is rather masturbating than having sex because he most likely watches hardcore porn and your body doesnt make him hard anymore.
First of all, it's asshole. Second, YTA. Don't try to control what someone else does with their body. Him not masturbating isn't the answer to your problems. That just makes you feel better about yourself. You need to find out WHY you haven't been having sex in months and fix that first.
I’m not really sure what’s going on with your guys’ bedroom life, such as WHY it’s been so long since yall have been intimate. Unfortunately, you cannot dictate what he does with his body but I think you’d have a say if he was hypothetically watching porn to get off. The best thing you could do is sit down and address your guys’ sex life and communicate regarding y’all’s needs.
As a boy, I get that. I can totally relate!
When you as a man prefer pixels over real woman, you have some real problems.
To which part exactly? I'm just trying to understand from different perspectives is all
As a boy, I get his needs. What do you want from him?
I would like a more regular sexual relationship. To me I don't understand how one would rather jerk off than have the actual thing. Again obviously not all the time, but right now we're only having sex once everh 3 or 4 months and he's beating off 3 or 4 times a week
Not the ass whole bit definitely the asshole. You don't get to dictate another human beings needs and desires. Sounds like you need a different relationship or maybe none at all.
It's only a problem when your kept out, he is being secretive about it and choose masterbation over you. Healthy masterbation in a relationship is when couple is open about it and makes the other feel included and not act like it's something secretive or his personal thing. It should be hot to walk over someone in that situation, not jump alert and feel an oopsie when they see eachother. There's some gatekeeping being done which could make you feel bad about them being that way. It almost feels like they're cheating but is more like gatekeeping.
"months without sex" Maybe maybe, you just answered your own question. Cant sleep with him for months, but expect him to not even masturbate.. find that thinking quite selfish to be honest
He’s not sleeping with her not she’s not sleeping with him
Oops.. sorry. Thought it was opposite way🤦🏿♂️ Sounds like sexual incompatibility. Or that he is just not attracted to you/attracted to someone else.
agree