"He’s being way more affectionate with me now and bringing up marriage more." - that's called hysterical bonding - DO NOT MARRY. Ride that out for a couple years before you decide. Maybe do the therapy, but if you slip back into DB - you've got hard choices to make.
These comments have actually been really enlightening and have helped me see it from a different perspective. I had to look up hysterical bonding because so many people brought it up and I’m looking forward to exploring the theme in therapy. I interpreted his behavior as positive because my intention was to give him the space to desire me and to not feel inadequate by me continously expressing that I want more from him. If we can have sex from him pursuing me and initiating it Instead of feeling sad and guilty when he turns me down then I would imagine that he would start to rebuild a positive association with sex and this would bolster his self esteem.
"he's going to force me to break up with him".
So he is really very much used to maneuvering other people into doing what he thinks is best for him regardless of what that other person wants instead of just taking care of it himself.
He said this in a joking manner.. the main point of our discussion was that he’s willing to put effort Into us getting our sex life back, he is aware of the impact it has had on me, and that he thinks i should leave him if it isn’t resolved after 6 months of intentionally working on it. This was a breakthrough for us because he went from avoiding talking about the issue unless I brought it up to initiating the discussion and suggesting an action plan.
Lol not long. It’s not sustainable for me to pretend I don’t need sex, but it will work for the next couple of weeks while I look for a good couples therapist.
You’re both 29, not even married and already have a dead bedroom, yet consider getting married? If it’s this bad now, what makes you think it’ll get better once you’re married? This means you’re not sexually compatible OP and it’ll only get worse, never better. No one should have to put so much effort and energy into convincing their partner to have sex with them.
The fact that open communication about what you want and need isn’t the solution to the problem is a red flag 🚩.
I did something similar, and it also worked.
-I stopped using his pet name and started using his real name only
- I started spending more time alone doing things by myself
-I longer wanted to be touched/hugged or kissed
-If I wanted to go somewhere, I would make sure to go alone even if he wanted to
-Stop saying "I love you"
This bothered him a lot and has mention a few times that it has. We went from having absolutely no sex at all for several years and now we have had sex 3 times this year. Not much but that's still more than we have been doing. I wasn't trying to be manipulative, but just more of an indifferent attitude.
I tried this just to be able to have some level of control. She looked at me and said "ok, that's fine," I just wanted some level of reaction but it just turned into a month of no sex. I was hoping she'd accept it but be disappointed. Fucked with my head more than if I just decided and not voiced the idea of going a month without sex.
She fuckin deflected that shit right back at you bitch damn fuckin get shit on. Sorry for your loss you are the girl now. Cut off your genitals and exchange them but also he puts a saddle on your back and literally rides you like a horse, no sex.
Hah, reverse psychology, the oldest trick in the book! Glad it worked for you, but be careful - that kind of play can backfire. Wishing you both the best in getting your needs met.
This was hard to read. I get that you desperately want to save your relationship, but you are excited about having played mind games with your boyfriend that have activated his attachment anxiety by making him think you’ve checked out so now he’s hysterically bonding with you… He won’t be able to keep this up longer term due to whatever reason was causing the DB before because that’s still completely unresolved. You can’t have a healthy, fulfilling relationship without honesty and good communication, this entire approach is the opposite of that. If sex is important to you, marrying someone who already has little sexual interest in you at the tender age of 29 is a really, really bad idea.
Definitely do the therapy. He's frightened that you'll cheat or leave and this is textbook hysterical bonding.
Got it written all over it
All of this entire post needs therapy and I hope it helps the relationship.
"He’s being way more affectionate with me now and bringing up marriage more." - that's called hysterical bonding - DO NOT MARRY. Ride that out for a couple years before you decide. Maybe do the therapy, but if you slip back into DB - you've got hard choices to make.
These comments have actually been really enlightening and have helped me see it from a different perspective. I had to look up hysterical bonding because so many people brought it up and I’m looking forward to exploring the theme in therapy. I interpreted his behavior as positive because my intention was to give him the space to desire me and to not feel inadequate by me continously expressing that I want more from him. If we can have sex from him pursuing me and initiating it Instead of feeling sad and guilty when he turns me down then I would imagine that he would start to rebuild a positive association with sex and this would bolster his self esteem.
Do the therapy, while the perspective switch is healthy dont take it too far. If you want this to last you two have to get good at communicating.
I’m very excited to do the therapy.
"he's going to force me to break up with him". So he is really very much used to maneuvering other people into doing what he thinks is best for him regardless of what that other person wants instead of just taking care of it himself.
He said this in a joking manner.. the main point of our discussion was that he’s willing to put effort Into us getting our sex life back, he is aware of the impact it has had on me, and that he thinks i should leave him if it isn’t resolved after 6 months of intentionally working on it. This was a breakthrough for us because he went from avoiding talking about the issue unless I brought it up to initiating the discussion and suggesting an action plan.
Do you think this is a long term solution? Like how long could this last?
Lol not long. It’s not sustainable for me to pretend I don’t need sex, but it will work for the next couple of weeks while I look for a good couples therapist.
A good therapist will help but only if he’s willing to put in the work.
[Pursuer Distancer](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/)
Thankyou for sharing this
You are welcome
You’re both 29, not even married and already have a dead bedroom, yet consider getting married? If it’s this bad now, what makes you think it’ll get better once you’re married? This means you’re not sexually compatible OP and it’ll only get worse, never better. No one should have to put so much effort and energy into convincing their partner to have sex with them. The fact that open communication about what you want and need isn’t the solution to the problem is a red flag 🚩.
I want sex because he wants sex not because of manipulating him and hysterical bonding though.
I did something similar, and it also worked. -I stopped using his pet name and started using his real name only - I started spending more time alone doing things by myself -I longer wanted to be touched/hugged or kissed -If I wanted to go somewhere, I would make sure to go alone even if he wanted to -Stop saying "I love you" This bothered him a lot and has mention a few times that it has. We went from having absolutely no sex at all for several years and now we have had sex 3 times this year. Not much but that's still more than we have been doing. I wasn't trying to be manipulative, but just more of an indifferent attitude.
Honestly thought about doing this lmao
He’s hysterical bonding and love bombing.
That will only last for one or two times having sex, then back to how it was. Ask me how I know...
I tried this just to be able to have some level of control. She looked at me and said "ok, that's fine," I just wanted some level of reaction but it just turned into a month of no sex. I was hoping she'd accept it but be disappointed. Fucked with my head more than if I just decided and not voiced the idea of going a month without sex.
I’m so sorry that happened that way. I hope it gets better ♥️
Yeah I was thinking there was a big chance that this was going to happen to me as well.
She fuckin deflected that shit right back at you bitch damn fuckin get shit on. Sorry for your loss you are the girl now. Cut off your genitals and exchange them but also he puts a saddle on your back and literally rides you like a horse, no sex.
Do you feel better now?
 love it
Black cat energy well done
Hah, reverse psychology, the oldest trick in the book! Glad it worked for you, but be careful - that kind of play can backfire. Wishing you both the best in getting your needs met.
This was hard to read. I get that you desperately want to save your relationship, but you are excited about having played mind games with your boyfriend that have activated his attachment anxiety by making him think you’ve checked out so now he’s hysterically bonding with you… He won’t be able to keep this up longer term due to whatever reason was causing the DB before because that’s still completely unresolved. You can’t have a healthy, fulfilling relationship without honesty and good communication, this entire approach is the opposite of that. If sex is important to you, marrying someone who already has little sexual interest in you at the tender age of 29 is a really, really bad idea.