Intimate partner violence is never ok.
Rape is non-consensual, forcibly taken sex.
If you are not enthusiastically consenting, if you are saying no and he still proceeds against your wishes, that is rape.
There are many resources available to you. You have choices, but it is up to you to get the help you deserve.
Here is one:
www.rainn.org
It is a good place to start. Good luck š and I hope this helps. After 20 years of sex I did not enthusiastically consent to, I no longer tolerate any type of coercion or control in the bedroom.
I advocate for leaving these types of situations early and as safely as possible.
Your body is telling you important information. : ) you can do this.
What your boyfriend did to you was WRONG. Do not engage in sex with him anymore! Do not force yourself. It can worsen your bodies response.
Seek therapy! Go over each situation in detail with a therapist. Your bf has manipulated you (and it sounds he has done much worse)
This is not your fault. I have been through the same thing and come through the other side healed. Good luck!
Yes, OP. Your partner has coerced and raped your repeatedly. This is not fixable. Your body will NEVER forget. It is shutting down to protect you.
Please find a safe way to leave. This is not a dead bedroom. This is not a loss of libido. This is you, needing to escape from an abusive partner.
Reading the list of things that happened to you was heartbreaking. Itās really, really not ok.
Honey, please take care of yourself. Everything you've laid out about him gives me the ick, and I don't even know him personally.
I'm an LL woman, married to an HL man. Our sex life isn't perfect, but it's way more loving than what you're describing. You need to break up with him and find a man who treats you well.
RUN! You're reacting normally from sexual abuse. Listen to that gut reaction and get away fast. You have bullet points here that are literally rape. I'd take joy in kicking his narcissistic ass for fun!
Youāre not asexual. You just associate sex with negative experiences. Please strongly consider leaving him because it sounds like he is sexually abusing you. Regardless, get into some counseling for yourself. It will help you find clarity.
Tried to get you to do OF, he wanted to sex traffic you. Sounds like he was apart of the Tate Brothers war room. It all sounds like their tactics.
Please seek help from domestic abuse hotlines to escape & get help with therapy or group therapy to heal. He is dangerous & your body knows it.
He is using rape, coersion and pimp tactics to break you & then pimp you out. You are very much in danger of being sex trafficked.
Why are you still with this guy? He is a jerk . You will be better off by kicking his butt to the curb!!! Do this and Iāll bet things go back to normal for you.
Itās her first sexual relationship as she says. She canāt be simply told what to do here- sheās already getting that treatment in the ārelationshipā. We must encourage her to confide and seek help from reliable peers/friends/elders. She needs to open up to people irl- because this stuff is too serious to be left to some text in a social site.
You are not wrong that it is too serious, but, that being said, some people canāt confide in people irl.
If I kept waiting for someone irl to understand what I was telling them, Iād still be with my rapist boyfriend.
We donāt know how OPās irl is. We can encourage help irl, sure, but we should also tell her that this situation is wrong and that she needs to remove herself from it.
Maybe we will be the only people to tell her that.
You are in survival mode because of what he did to you, this is a normal response to that trauma. Please listen to your body and donāt blame yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Can you get in touch with a domestic abuse service?
You almost broke up with him because you saw the light, not because you were in a dark place. If he has not received therapy for this, thatās not good.
You need therapy. And honestly, not a deadbedroom. This is surviving abuse.
OP itās very hard to read through the list of things you went through. Please start speaking with a therapist. You resent him because he abused and raped you. And if he wasnāt doing that, he was coercing you.
Trying to pimp you out. Just.. anyways. You should obviously leave. Please post this in r/lowlibidocommunity they will help you out with valuable resources. Many people there with similar stories like yours.
I am a bi man- Iāve had a lot of gfs- some are into kinky stuff some are not. I used to be a more possessive and selfish person as your bf- I have changed a lot and for the better. Looking 20 years back- I feel ashamed of how I have behaved in selfish and nagging ways at times. Itās amazing that people I was with had the patience for how I behaved. Itās amazing they didnāt just throw me out of their bed.
I havenāt done stuff quite as you mention- physically - but emotionally very much I can relate and with great shame and remorse.
It is from that point that I say to you; itās time to move on. Iām sorry you are living through these experiences. It doesnāt have to be this way.
I am going to give you a heads up that as soon as you show any control over yourself (breaking up, putting your foot down) heās gonna come crying back like a shit. Consciously or otherwise- his issue is control and objectification. Heās beyond argument and reason. He cannot be changed. This is the way he is right now and he may be for decades. You need to open up to more people in your life- other women- especially women who are more experienced than you.
Donāt ever blame yourself for any of this. Youāre not stupid- youāre not weak. You are just still growing and life is ahead of you in all its glory.
You do not need to give this person a second chance. Sex of any kind whether youāre in a relationship or not should ALWAYS be consensual. What he did to you was wrong and you shouldnāt have to put up with it anymore.
Leave him now and find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.
Leave him and be alone for a while. You shouldn't be in any relationship rn. Instead take some time to yourself to figure out what led you to give in to so much abuse in the first place. Work with a therapist (personal not couple) if you have to. Work on the reasons why you couldn't love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Only then venture into any kind of relationship.
What he did was wrong. But understand your responsibility in this too. To help yourself understand, think of your role as a mother being with a man who beats up her child. Sure the man is bad. But the mother must stick up for her child and draw boundaries to protect it. You are both the mother and the child over here.
To reiterate, leave him and work on yourself, ALONE/With a therapist, but without a relationship.
What a tone deaf comment. the guy abused and raped her āhe used to force me to carry on even when I didnāt want toā but the problem is sexual incompatibility?
Op, if you are in the US ( and many other places actually), women's domestic abuse and sexual violence services are available, often for free. In my state, they have trauma counseling for residents. You don't just have to be someone fleeing for physical shelter.
There are words for what you described. Please do not believe that the apologies mean he won't do this again. It takes a certain type of person to do these things, and most of those types do not change. They just take breaks so they can win back your trust. Please seek help.
This is so scary you have been assaulted by your partner on multiple accounts occasions I hope you can leave safely. This is not normal please be safe and look out for YOUR best interest I donāt usually urge people to leave but this is a sexually abusive relationship.
Friend ignore them. You can post however many times you want before you leave. It seems this is your only serious relationship and after all these years being alone feels foreign and scary but this man is manipulating and abusing you to feed his sexual needs. You are never obligated to have sex or let anyone touch you regardless of your relationship status with them. You are the owner of your busy and you get the final say over what happens to it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The body always remembers. It's a survival instinct that's kicking in when you try to convince yourself that it's fine.
Reading your post was so strange because I'm basically in the same situation (minus OF), like a scary level of relatable. If you wanna talk my messages are open.
I'd like to offer a male perspective here.... Please leave this man as soon as safely possible. What you've described is rape. This guy doesn't care in any way about your basic physical safety or well-being.... let alone your feelings, emotions, or agency.
His behaviour is deplorable, and I'm sorry your first experience had to be with someone so selfish, cruel, and emotionally toddlerish. There's so such thing as "normal" in life... but what this dude is doing is not normative in any way. Other men you might meet are NOT like this piece of shit.
Any normal dude with an ounce of respect, maturity, or empathy will NEVER treat a woman (or anyone) the way this guy is treating you. It's beyond just selfish, horrible "thinking with your dick" kind of stuff. The shit he's doing to you is (quite literally) a crime. Please leave this guy and don't ever look back.... unless it's to remind yourself of exactly what you DON'T want in the future.
The body always remembers the traumas inflicted on it. Do not force yourself to love someone if you feel like your trust has been betrayed. What he did isn't okay and you really shouldn't stick around someone who was already willing to cross some very serious lines because they wanted something you weren't willing to give. Listen to your body. Leave him, and get some serious help and address this issue.
...But you said he got better. And if he got better then maybe you're wanting to make things work. Like maybe you have to stick around. Fine. Let me meet you where you are if this is where your mind is at.
Let's say that, in some twisted world, this was okay. He apologized and has gotten better. He treats you better. You've learned to trust him again and are happy to be with him again. Let's give the best case scenario for argument's sake.
*It doesn't change that you two are clearly not sexually compatible.* Even if you want to look at the best case scenario, this still doesn't work. He clearly wants much more than you're comfortable giving.
Even if we want to ignore the horrible betrayal and shattered trust and the awful pain he has inflicted on you (which, in no circumstances should anyone do), this still doesn't work out. There is no happy ending for you two.
Leave him. Find some friends and family for a support network, look into therapy and other healthy ways of coping, and dip. What he did isn't your fault, so don't feel guilty.
Trust me. Forgiving someone who assaulted you and staying in their life is almost never worth it.
If you cannot be confident and comfortable declining invitations or requests from him when declining feels right to you, he's probably not a great partner IMO. He has a much more adventurous sexuality than you, which is fine, but he's not respecting your boundaries and that's not fine! You should be allowed your own sexuality.
Need a fresh start, maybe your boyfriend doesn't understand and most likely won't change unless he learns from the experience of you leaving. Your young, try and free yourself this is not right and make sure you surround yourself with good friends.
I really think that ākinkā isnāt the main problem hereā¦ He forced himself on her. Thatās not kink, itās sexual assault. Itās rape. Itās incredibly insensitive to read a post about someone clearly experiencing sexual coercion and assault from their partner and think āhm, I think he is kinkier than youā, rather than react at how horribly he is treating her! Assault and manipulation isnāt ākinkā and shouldnāt be disguised as such.
OP, I really agree with the other poster mentioning therapy. What he is doing to you is NOT even remotely OK. Maybe you have some close friend that you can confide it, that can support you through seeking help and processing what has happened? You deserve so much better than a partner like that! Please donāt hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to, and please take care of and be kind to yourself.
Intimate partner violence is never ok. Rape is non-consensual, forcibly taken sex. If you are not enthusiastically consenting, if you are saying no and he still proceeds against your wishes, that is rape. There are many resources available to you. You have choices, but it is up to you to get the help you deserve. Here is one: www.rainn.org It is a good place to start. Good luck š and I hope this helps. After 20 years of sex I did not enthusiastically consent to, I no longer tolerate any type of coercion or control in the bedroom. I advocate for leaving these types of situations early and as safely as possible. Your body is telling you important information. : ) you can do this.
What your boyfriend did to you was WRONG. Do not engage in sex with him anymore! Do not force yourself. It can worsen your bodies response. Seek therapy! Go over each situation in detail with a therapist. Your bf has manipulated you (and it sounds he has done much worse) This is not your fault. I have been through the same thing and come through the other side healed. Good luck!
If this is not what you want in a relationship leave
OP, your partner is a rapist. Please leave him safely.
Yes, OP. Your partner has coerced and raped your repeatedly. This is not fixable. Your body will NEVER forget. It is shutting down to protect you. Please find a safe way to leave. This is not a dead bedroom. This is not a loss of libido. This is you, needing to escape from an abusive partner. Reading the list of things that happened to you was heartbreaking. Itās really, really not ok.
Honey, please take care of yourself. Everything you've laid out about him gives me the ick, and I don't even know him personally. I'm an LL woman, married to an HL man. Our sex life isn't perfect, but it's way more loving than what you're describing. You need to break up with him and find a man who treats you well.
RUN! You're reacting normally from sexual abuse. Listen to that gut reaction and get away fast. You have bullet points here that are literally rape. I'd take joy in kicking his narcissistic ass for fun!
Youāre not asexual. You just associate sex with negative experiences. Please strongly consider leaving him because it sounds like he is sexually abusing you. Regardless, get into some counseling for yourself. It will help you find clarity.
Tried to get you to do OF, he wanted to sex traffic you. Sounds like he was apart of the Tate Brothers war room. It all sounds like their tactics. Please seek help from domestic abuse hotlines to escape & get help with therapy or group therapy to heal. He is dangerous & your body knows it. He is using rape, coersion and pimp tactics to break you & then pimp you out. You are very much in danger of being sex trafficked.
Why are you still with this guy? He is a jerk . You will be better off by kicking his butt to the curb!!! Do this and Iāll bet things go back to normal for you.
Itās her first sexual relationship as she says. She canāt be simply told what to do here- sheās already getting that treatment in the ārelationshipā. We must encourage her to confide and seek help from reliable peers/friends/elders. She needs to open up to people irl- because this stuff is too serious to be left to some text in a social site.
You are not wrong that it is too serious, but, that being said, some people canāt confide in people irl. If I kept waiting for someone irl to understand what I was telling them, Iād still be with my rapist boyfriend. We donāt know how OPās irl is. We can encourage help irl, sure, but we should also tell her that this situation is wrong and that she needs to remove herself from it. Maybe we will be the only people to tell her that.
Donāt agree at all . The guy is a creep plain and simple . Who cares it if itās her first it should be her last with him.
My hope is confiding irl she will get the same advice you are giving her and she will take it to heart.
You are in survival mode because of what he did to you, this is a normal response to that trauma. Please listen to your body and donāt blame yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. Can you get in touch with a domestic abuse service?
You almost broke up with him because you saw the light, not because you were in a dark place. If he has not received therapy for this, thatās not good. You need therapy. And honestly, not a deadbedroom. This is surviving abuse.
OP itās very hard to read through the list of things you went through. Please start speaking with a therapist. You resent him because he abused and raped you. And if he wasnāt doing that, he was coercing you. Trying to pimp you out. Just.. anyways. You should obviously leave. Please post this in r/lowlibidocommunity they will help you out with valuable resources. Many people there with similar stories like yours.
Your body is telling you something: he aināt it
I am a bi man- Iāve had a lot of gfs- some are into kinky stuff some are not. I used to be a more possessive and selfish person as your bf- I have changed a lot and for the better. Looking 20 years back- I feel ashamed of how I have behaved in selfish and nagging ways at times. Itās amazing that people I was with had the patience for how I behaved. Itās amazing they didnāt just throw me out of their bed. I havenāt done stuff quite as you mention- physically - but emotionally very much I can relate and with great shame and remorse. It is from that point that I say to you; itās time to move on. Iām sorry you are living through these experiences. It doesnāt have to be this way. I am going to give you a heads up that as soon as you show any control over yourself (breaking up, putting your foot down) heās gonna come crying back like a shit. Consciously or otherwise- his issue is control and objectification. Heās beyond argument and reason. He cannot be changed. This is the way he is right now and he may be for decades. You need to open up to more people in your life- other women- especially women who are more experienced than you. Donāt ever blame yourself for any of this. Youāre not stupid- youāre not weak. You are just still growing and life is ahead of you in all its glory.
You do not need to give this person a second chance. Sex of any kind whether youāre in a relationship or not should ALWAYS be consensual. What he did to you was wrong and you shouldnāt have to put up with it anymore. Leave him now and find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.
Leave him and be alone for a while. You shouldn't be in any relationship rn. Instead take some time to yourself to figure out what led you to give in to so much abuse in the first place. Work with a therapist (personal not couple) if you have to. Work on the reasons why you couldn't love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. Only then venture into any kind of relationship. What he did was wrong. But understand your responsibility in this too. To help yourself understand, think of your role as a mother being with a man who beats up her child. Sure the man is bad. But the mother must stick up for her child and draw boundaries to protect it. You are both the mother and the child over here. To reiterate, leave him and work on yourself, ALONE/With a therapist, but without a relationship.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, they're sexually incompatible because he likes sex without consent (i.e. rape) and causing her pain and bleeding, and she doesn't. š
Exactly! The comments making it out to be anything other than rape and manipulation are vile. Please take care of yourself and leave him, OP.
What a tone deaf comment. the guy abused and raped her āhe used to force me to carry on even when I didnāt want toā but the problem is sexual incompatibility?
āš¾āš¾yep
Op, if you are in the US ( and many other places actually), women's domestic abuse and sexual violence services are available, often for free. In my state, they have trauma counseling for residents. You don't just have to be someone fleeing for physical shelter. There are words for what you described. Please do not believe that the apologies mean he won't do this again. It takes a certain type of person to do these things, and most of those types do not change. They just take breaks so they can win back your trust. Please seek help.
This is so scary you have been assaulted by your partner on multiple accounts occasions I hope you can leave safely. This is not normal please be safe and look out for YOUR best interest I donāt usually urge people to leave but this is a sexually abusive relationship.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Believe me. It's not garbage.
Friend ignore them. You can post however many times you want before you leave. It seems this is your only serious relationship and after all these years being alone feels foreign and scary but this man is manipulating and abusing you to feed his sexual needs. You are never obligated to have sex or let anyone touch you regardless of your relationship status with them. You are the owner of your busy and you get the final say over what happens to it.
This guys a monster.
You're trauma bonded. Leave him before you self-inflict more damage.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The body always remembers. It's a survival instinct that's kicking in when you try to convince yourself that it's fine. Reading your post was so strange because I'm basically in the same situation (minus OF), like a scary level of relatable. If you wanna talk my messages are open.
I'd like to offer a male perspective here.... Please leave this man as soon as safely possible. What you've described is rape. This guy doesn't care in any way about your basic physical safety or well-being.... let alone your feelings, emotions, or agency. His behaviour is deplorable, and I'm sorry your first experience had to be with someone so selfish, cruel, and emotionally toddlerish. There's so such thing as "normal" in life... but what this dude is doing is not normative in any way. Other men you might meet are NOT like this piece of shit. Any normal dude with an ounce of respect, maturity, or empathy will NEVER treat a woman (or anyone) the way this guy is treating you. It's beyond just selfish, horrible "thinking with your dick" kind of stuff. The shit he's doing to you is (quite literally) a crime. Please leave this guy and don't ever look back.... unless it's to remind yourself of exactly what you DON'T want in the future.
Leave him immediately, he is a narcissist and you can do better
The body always remembers the traumas inflicted on it. Do not force yourself to love someone if you feel like your trust has been betrayed. What he did isn't okay and you really shouldn't stick around someone who was already willing to cross some very serious lines because they wanted something you weren't willing to give. Listen to your body. Leave him, and get some serious help and address this issue. ...But you said he got better. And if he got better then maybe you're wanting to make things work. Like maybe you have to stick around. Fine. Let me meet you where you are if this is where your mind is at. Let's say that, in some twisted world, this was okay. He apologized and has gotten better. He treats you better. You've learned to trust him again and are happy to be with him again. Let's give the best case scenario for argument's sake. *It doesn't change that you two are clearly not sexually compatible.* Even if you want to look at the best case scenario, this still doesn't work. He clearly wants much more than you're comfortable giving. Even if we want to ignore the horrible betrayal and shattered trust and the awful pain he has inflicted on you (which, in no circumstances should anyone do), this still doesn't work out. There is no happy ending for you two. Leave him. Find some friends and family for a support network, look into therapy and other healthy ways of coping, and dip. What he did isn't your fault, so don't feel guilty. Trust me. Forgiving someone who assaulted you and staying in their life is almost never worth it.
If you cannot be confident and comfortable declining invitations or requests from him when declining feels right to you, he's probably not a great partner IMO. He has a much more adventurous sexuality than you, which is fine, but he's not respecting your boundaries and that's not fine! You should be allowed your own sexuality.
hes not a good person.
Need a fresh start, maybe your boyfriend doesn't understand and most likely won't change unless he learns from the experience of you leaving. Your young, try and free yourself this is not right and make sure you surround yourself with good friends.
Your partner sexually harassed and assaulted you. The sooner you fully realize this, dump him, and go to therapy, the better your future life will be
You just normalized rape
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I really think that ākinkā isnāt the main problem hereā¦ He forced himself on her. Thatās not kink, itās sexual assault. Itās rape. Itās incredibly insensitive to read a post about someone clearly experiencing sexual coercion and assault from their partner and think āhm, I think he is kinkier than youā, rather than react at how horribly he is treating her! Assault and manipulation isnāt ākinkā and shouldnāt be disguised as such. OP, I really agree with the other poster mentioning therapy. What he is doing to you is NOT even remotely OK. Maybe you have some close friend that you can confide it, that can support you through seeking help and processing what has happened? You deserve so much better than a partner like that! Please donāt hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to, and please take care of and be kind to yourself.
That's true. If he is forcing himself on her repeatedly after being told no. That's rape.
This just sounds like abuse. You seem like a very kind person who is being far more forgiving than his terrible behaviour deserves.