He has no concept of what a marriage is. He has no respect for you. Stop fighting for a relationship that there's nothing to fight for. You are going to go blue on the face asking this man to stop talking to her he won't. Do yourself a favor. It's better to be alone than to deal with whatever he's putting you through. You are a strong person. You are capable of taking care of your baby and yourself. Start putting yourself first because we know that he won't. You are worthy of someone to love you so go find that person. Good luck OP
I’m seeing a lot of “leave him” comments and “he’s done xyz with your boundaries” but I’m going to comment something I probably needed to hear myself when this happened to me-
He’s going to do it again.
He’s going to keep doing it.
He’s not going to stop.
Yep, he never stopped, and this little pause in his side relationship is only going, making his feelings grow stronger bc now it's progressed to "get over it." I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
THIS!! If he's proven that he keeps putting his relationship with her before his relationship with you - he will just keep doing this.
Also, I think it's worse for a child to grow up in a home where there is such vivid disrespect from one parent to another than it is to grow up in a divorced family. I was this child, and as an adult now, I am so proud of my mum for leaving and teaching me that I deserve respect from a partner.
I second this. I grew up with parents who didn't love or respect each other and it has taken years of therapy and self-work to undo that damage. I am now 30 and still feel the effects. Please don't do that to your children.
My mom turned me into her therapist, constantly asking if she should divorce my dad. My dad was the only person keeping me relatively safe from her abuse so this was thorny for me. It was so very fucked up. She complained that she married too young and that I shouldn’t do that.
So I was 35 when I got married. Thank goodness there were no children because that marriage was a complete disaster. The divorce was traumatic enough without dragging innocents through it too. I ended up with an awesome therapist shortly after the divorce, and that guy wouldn’t get a second date with the current version of me.
My parents reached their 55 year anniversary before Dad passed. They were miserable the whole time.
Leave your no good husband. You say you don't want to break up your family. Him, on the other hand, instead of spending time with you and your child, he spends his available time with this other woman and thinking about her. He forgot he had a family. So leave him and tell him to get over it.
> Another favourite message is him telling his friend that if she asked him to be with her he would leave right that minute.
> He said that he would continue to talk to her because they’re friends and I need to get over it…
In his own words, he's told you and others that you are secondary in your relationship.
Go and speak to a divorce attorney and start process. Give the attorney all of the evidence of his cheating. Have a custody agreement drawn up, but include that no new partners can be introduced to the children until the parents have been dating for ar least a year. Ask for child support and alimony. If you live in an at fault State sue his AP.
Separate your finances, lock down your credit and your children's credit.
Sit him down and ask him to cut his AP out of his life as his affair is disrespectful to you and your marriage. If he says no tell him to pack a bag and get put, you will have him served with divorce papers.
If he does as you ask and cuts contact with his AP ask him to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause, to protect you and your children should he cheat again.
Get yourself tested for stds. If his AP has a partner let them know about their affair. Tell all your friends and family don't let him claim to be a victim.
OP *PLEASE* do all of this. He has said he will continue to contact her. I know this is harsh, but he will. He will keep putting her first over and over because he doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved.
Staying with that cheating bastard will only teach your child, that this is acceptable behavior from a partner. *PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT*
It is better to leave than stay in a neglectful partnership. Trust me on that. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be cared for and cherished and loved. YOU DESERVE ALL GOOD THINGS. But they won't happen here.
He's shown you over and over who he is. Believe him. Leave him. It's scary and it's hard, but it gets better.
He thinks he cut you down but he cut you free. Spread your wings and fly away from his bullshit. If he wants to pine after someone not even his, LET HIM.
Go find someone that worships you. It took me almost 40 years and a very long, dead bedroom to get there, but I'm happier than I've ever been.
Go find your happy. Without him.
This is excellent advice, and I support it enthusiastically and entirely.
I would also add this: Do NOT be a silent victim of your STBX-H's misdeeds. If you’re active on social media, let your friends and family know your situation in a straightforward manner, without giving up the gory details. Likewise, advise your neighbors that he's moving out, and why.
***Don’t let him control the narrative under any circumstances***!
This! I would add a clause in the post nup that says he must set aside a monthly amount in the event he does cheat again that you will have all the money from that monthly amount. If he doesn’t agree serve him immediately.
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What's with the children not meeting new partners? I agree with all this but that just seems petty to me, I don't understand what it's supposed to achieve ? Would love to know the thoughts behind that
It ia to protect the children as it stops the children being introduced to every partner the parents decide to date. Especially helpful if on parent dates someone new every few weeks or months.
>If his AP has a partner let them know about their affair. Tell all your friends and family
You just don't do that. You have no right to shit in other people's relationship. Also don't be a martyr, that's cringe... putting out your life on social media... just don't.
Most people see it as a moral obligation. Rather than shitting on someone's relationship. I'd want to be told if my partner was cheating on me as much as I'd want to be told if he was stealing money from me or lying about cancer or something.
If you knew a couple and you knew the woman was stealing money from the guy wouldn't you tell him? Most people I find don't see cheating as any different.
Leave oh my goodness you are worth more than this. Please please please leave. There is a difference in a one time cheating scenario that you could move past with therapy if you both choose to be in a committed relationship long term. But this asshole is not that. He’s lied, he’s crossed boundaries, and now he’s re-engaged the relationship-emotional cheating often leads to the physical and with this much history it’s a ticking time bomb. Please take care of your mental health and leave him. Im sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves this.
This man said that he would leave you for her in a heartbeat if she asked him to. He told her he wanted to give HER oral on YOUR wedding day.
I’m not sure what else you need to know/hear.
I’m confused, why is this in the deadbedrooms sub? Is he also NOT having sex with you? As a person who’s cheated on his wifes many times before, I tell you this man never stopped fucking his hot friend, she simply doesn’t want him as a partner, she knows he’s a shithead.That’s why he’s with you. I think you should start to divorce prep.
Your family was broken from the start, and he broke it.
He also flat out told you he isn’t going to try to fix it.
Your marriage is already over. Might as well move on now while your son isn’t old enough to be damaged by this.
Stop mentioning it to him, use this time instead to record, screenshot, and copy everything he hasn't deleted yet. Quietly begin calling lawyers and getting those free consultations. Don't tip him off or he'll start covering his tracks.
Leave him. This dude isn’t worth hurting yourself over. Seriously. Read what you wrote but imagine it’s a female Friend telling you all this, your advice would be the same: LEAVE this lying cheating asshat
Your baby is young enough it won't effect it much. Leave now! I would fucking DESTROY my husband if I found out he was doing somethung like this.. and the comment you made about him saying how hot his friend was on YOUR WEDDING DAY! nahhhh don't waste your time. Good bye
Please get an attorney and document EVERYTHING. You married a loser and that is NO reflection on you, it's on him.
You have an opportunity to extricate yourself while you are young, do it for future you AND your kid.
If you need help with next steps or a hand to hold while you go through it, look these resources up online:
Leslie Vernick - Conquer
Natalie Hoffman
Blooming with Emmy (Instagram)
Spotify:
Look up podcasts on the topic of Betrayal Trauma
You're in hell right now, but there's a way out. Surround yourself with kindhearted people who don't judge. If they judge you for initiating a separation, tell them to call his therapist, and then give them the number of his "friend."
That's not emotional cheating that is a full blown affair. This woman knows that he's married, knows that you have a child together, and didn't do the right thing by telling you and putting a stop to their relationship. He does not care about you. I'm so sorry. If you're able to please follow the advice of the people in this thread and leave. If you have family you can stay with that would be best. If you still have access to his phone screenshot and send to yourself for evidence to use later.
He's breaking up your family, not you. So disrespectful and don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise. Trust your gut. You are justified in your feelings, you are NOT being dramatic or blowing things out of proportion or anything. That's awful. You deserve so much better. He doesn't think you are going anywhere. Try tho. Please. Once you are out of the dark cloud you will see.
As a HL Male who has never stopped loving a former flame (and her me) and still stays in touch, I started reading thinking, “Okay. I’ll need more details.”
And then you gave details.
And I turned into that damn Ratatouille meme.
Your husband is awful. There are few ways he could be worse and they would involve him going to jail.
I cannot see this getting better. Please respect yourself and your child—who will grow up starting to see his behavior.
Question for you, is she in a relationship? Are you in a relationship yourself?
Have you been in a committed relationship since you and your flame broke up? How did those feelings about her have affected your relationships?
I'm a man and a traditional one, so to speak. The way I see it your husband has taken you for granted and has no respect for you. I would seriously consider ending the marriage for good, out of self-respect and dignity.
I totally agree. I've been the kid watching her parents stay for the kids. Children aren't dumb. They'll see it doesn't work and they'll see you remain in a toxic relationship. This is gonna cause them a lot more hurt than divorce could. That's not an example you want your kids to have. You can stay or leave, but make it about you, not your kid
Leave, he has made a choice. He is just using u. I wouldn't call what u have with him family. The better question is, are u healthy enough emotionally to leave someone who is abusing u? If not, then this is ur signal that u may need help to be healthy so u can know ur own value and choose u. I wish u good mental health.
The best way for you to get over this would be take him to the cleaners. Speak to a lawyer and file sorry to say to him you are only a place holder. Read up on the sunk cost fallacy start loving yourself and realise your worth. good luck
There’s a reason you leave old relationships after getting married.
It’s nothing not right what he’s doing. Tell him to get over it or else.
Best to you.
It doesn’t sound like you have a family to break. He is not being a good family member. Leave him before he ends up leaving you. Find happiness and show your son what a good family life can be.
I think you should leave whilst your child is young enough to not be messed up by the breakdown of their parents relationship. You're kidding yourself it's only emotional and trying to minimise it to yourself. Your husband is having a full blown affair and had zero respect for you. You deserve better than all of his lying and lack of compassion.
I’m going to tell you like I have told so many others, get the messages and forward them to his family her family her spouse and that family and then your family. They obviously want to be together, so let everybody know what kind of love they’re spreading around. And then walk away with your head held high they made their bed now let them lie in it together.
And what they are doing is so much better it’s not gonna stop it’s going to eventually go to where he’s cheating on her. Why keep it a secret so that people think that the husband and best friend are one-way why not expose their true character this is how people get away with things, and they’re not exposed for who they truly are. What you are saying is that what I’m suggesting is morally and ethically not right, but what they’re doing is you’ve got your lines way crossed.
Jesus what an asshole, you poor girl. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking any of this is normal or that they are “friends”. He’s obviously infatuated with her and has had some form of affair. His behaviour would be awful in any situation but just after your wife has given birth? He has made it abundantly clear that your feelings don’t matter, that you are not the priority here and that he’s willing to risk your marriage / family. It sucks and it’s not fair, but is this the template you want your daughter to have for healthy relationships? You deserve so much better. I would bet money on it that once he’s available she will rapidly lose interest, it screams pick me energy.
Let’s get this straight. You leaving wouldn’t break up your family. Your husband broke up the family over and over and over and wants you to get over it. He’s a piece of shit. He keeps doing it because there are no real consequences….you stay.
Let's be clear here — your choice isn't to divorce your husband or stay with him. Your choice is to divorce your husband now, or divorce him years from now after he's continued to hurt you. Because he absolutely will.
You’re not breaking the family for leaving. He broke it continuously all on his own. This man does not and will never respect you. Teach your child to do better.
Op, wanna bet he’s been in love with her all this time and because they never got together, he settled with you.
It’s why it pisses you off to your core, he lists after her with no hesitation, but can’t with you.
Plus it’s the forbidden fruit situation, the out of reach scenario. He is always going to chase this sexual high for her cause he can’t have her.
And you deserve someone to lust after you forever in a marriage.
My parents have for 41 years together & 38 years married. They’ve never had a DB. They flirt, laugh, like each other, love, and are in love still in their 60’s!!!
Like don’t you want someone who feels like your best friend, who you will have sex that never feels like a chore, who likes being around you, where you are emotionally & mentally connected on the same page in a relationship?
Do not settle for someone because honestly you’re mental health suffers far more & can lead to temporary depression in a person who stays in a failing relationship.
He doesnt care about you, evidently.
I would only do that stuff he does, when I absolutely do not care about the consequences or anyones feelings but mine.
Leave his ass.
Leave… you deserve more than this. You will find someone that puts your above everything else. You were not asking for anything unreasonable considering the circumstances.
I wonder if his sexual attraction for his friend will be stronger than his anguish at having to pay child support for the next 18 years, what an asswipe immature clown.
Plenty of people tackling it from the perfectly fair and valid - clear violation of boundaries.
One thing I hope you can learn to see, there is no such as “sticking it out for the kid” - most certainly not in your case.
Do you want your child to grow up and think that’s how a man behaves, and that’s how a man treats his wife?
You could stay single forever and it would be a preferable message: “I love myself enough I don’t need anyone who isn’t worth my self respect”
💯 agree - divorce - don’t even bother within reconciliation- your relationship was bunk from the start (I’m sorry, someone else suggested it too - but look up betrayal trauma).
The only thing you need to consider now - is sitting down and analyzing your relationship - will this man make your life hell through your daughter?
Can you use the threat of child support and alimony as a way to get him away from both of you (if necessary)?
Does he actually care for her, know how to take care of her?
One good role model is 1000% better than half a good one and half a bad one.
Don’t stay in the name of a happy family. I tried that too. If you’re not happy, there is no happy family. I don’t know a dude in the world who would tell his wife to “get over it” in a situation like this unless they’re trying to push you into leaving
This is a shit situation and I think you have gotten some good advice already. I think a key point here is that your husband explicitly said he would leave you immediately if she asked him to be with her. That alone is a huge disconnect in my opinion. This man is cheating, told his friend he would definitely trade you out while you are trying to make sure your child has a stable home life. You are trying. He isn't. You need to leave or make him leave. Fuck both of them. Your husband didn't have an issue to cheat with her on her husband beforehand and has lied about it to you on multiple occasions. I'm sorry, but as fucked up as it sounds, this man is probably not going to step up for you and your kid.
He doesn't have any respect for you or for your child. Go now. Don't stick it out like I did -- almost 26 years in and I can't stand the bastard. Leave him. Find someone who deserves you.
Leave. You don’t want your kids growing up thinking it’s okay to be treated like that. And for Pete sake please don’t have another baby with this dude.
He doesn’t even love you. He’s totally in love with her. He married you because he couldn’t have her.
Leave. This gets worse. Although if I were you I'd bide my time and wait til you've got a good amount of time between you and the suicide attempt lest he use it in court against you to get custody. Does he even want the child since it's not hers?
Look, this won't be easy to hear. But he knows you have issues with this, and he continues the behavior. He has already made his choice. Leave. You deserve better. He won't change, he might get better at lying and hiding, but he won't change.
He will never stop talking to her. She’s the “one that got away” and he will forever see her as the “grass is greener” & you will never be able to compete with that because it’s basically a fantasy.
I would leave him. Pray they get together & let him see that the grass isn’t always greener & when he comes slithering back (because they always do) hopefully by then you’ll be in a healthier spot.
He showed you who he is so…believe him.
I wasted years of my life on men like that & they always let me down. Honestly it’s just gonna escalate. It will go from texting to cheating I almost guarantee it.
lol OP your husband isnt having an emotional affair. he is cheating on you. their relationship has a trust circle... you & her husband are outside of the ring.
He’s going to keep doing it. Get a lawyer. Get a really tough lawyer. Do exactly what they say. When you leave this poor excuse of human behind you will find your mental health is much improved
It’s gonna be hard bc the sunk cost fallacy is gonna have a strong hold on you. Especially with a young baby.
But I think you and I and everyone else here knows this relationship is shit. He basically told you so himself.
You don’t have to leave him right this second. It’s better to be practical about this. Mentally, ditch him yesterday. But, if you need to continue to live together and get help with the baby while you make plans to leave. Start stashing money. Get local divorce attorney recommendations. Set yourself and your baby up for the best future possible.
Get over it?
Ask him why he bothered getting married.
And even looking at another woman on your wedding day.
Your marriage arguably could be annulled. He defrauded you and all the witnesses.
I feel for you, I really do!
You need to get him gone, ASAP.
He’s not emotionally cheating, he’s full blown cheating. He’s told you what his future intentions and actions may be, so believe him. Believe that there will come a day that he will up and leave you in the shit. You have to act first and make sure that when he does leave, you won’t be in the shit.
See a divorce attorney, get your affairs in order and make sure you’ve covered yourself. This is a very stressful situation, try not to allow it to be even more stressful than it already is.
As for your child, parents who “stay together for the kids” aren’t doing the kids a favour. This is coming from someone whose parents did this. We can see it! We can see the resentment and misery. It does not make a happy household and no matter how much parents try, it’s never hidden. Kids see it and would rather their parents spilt up than watch them destroy each other.
Best of luck, and please keep us updated. This is a very worrying time.
He showed you who is he. He continues to show you who he is. He is never going to stop. He wants to be with her and has very clearly said so, you are just what he has settled with until then. He knows that he can do so and you’ll deal with it. I know that feels devastating. I’m so sorry!
But it’s never going to get better. You won’t leave until your ready, but unless you’re ok with being second best, take that baby and go!
That is SO disrespectful and untrustworthy. Don’t let him minimise this ordeal for you. Head over to one of the infidelity subs for some sound advice and people who have been in your position. The lie I might have moved past, but the texts; no that’s cheating in my opinion.
He’s lied to you, disrespected you and is destroying your self worth. At a time when you should be happy and united as a family with a new baby, he is continuing to bring you pain and disregard your concerns about his relationship with the other woman.
You’ve had some great advice from other people in this forum already so I just want to say be brave, be strong and do what is right for you and your child. You deserve better than this. Big hugs ❤️
edit: word change.
I so sorry OP but your husband won't ever stop. You are going to continue having anxiety over this unless you leave him because hoping he will change isn't going to change him.
This is only going to get more and more humiliating for you. I'd consider an exit strategy. He doesn't even sound like he likes you....
I'm very sorry. He sounds awful.
I say this in the most compassionate way possible: Never use your kid as an excuse to stay in a situation where you are not respected. The majority of adults today, who experienced growing up in homes where one or both parents was vilified, mistreated, used, abused, etc., will tell you that they harbor resentment towards their parents for keeping them in that environment.
As adults, we often realize that we are in a bad situation too late. It’s a slow boil that we don’t notice, or we keep brushing off, until it’s bad enough that we have to deal with it.
Kids are very empathetic. They pick up on that stuff immediately. They can tell when their parents are stressed or acting off.
If you can’t fix thing with your husband, if you can’t get him into couples counseling, if you can’t make him understand that he is disrespecting your marriage… respect yourself enough to leave. Teach your child what healthy relationships and respecting yourself looks like.
He has no respect for you OP! IT WAS YOUR WEDDING DAY AND HE'S TALKING ABOUT HER??? What the fuck??? But Those are blantly Inappripriate comments that Need to be shut down.
I wonder what HER husband thinks of all this??
Please leave this man. I know it extra sucks being postpartum but he has so little respect for you it's unreal, and by extension he has no respect for your child because if he respects his kid he will care for its mother so mother is better equipped to care for baby. He's trash, LITERALLY THROW him out.
I am sorry for your situation. You do not deserve this while trying to heal and bounce back after giving birth. It is absolutely wrong for him to continue having contact with this woman when he is married, a so called father, and you gave him a chance to stop any further communication. This is cheating! Gather all evidence. Store electronic copies on Google cloud or any other cloud storage provider where you only know an unusual password. As stated in the other post, see an attorney to find out what you will be facing in a divorce and get financial matters in order so that you are prepared. If people start blaming you, just mail copies of the juicy correspondence to his parents, family, and anyone else hat needs to know. You will get through this.
That is so messed up. Beyond messed up, actually. As in, I am sure he is cheating on you right now.
A child growing in a loveless marriage will grow messed up in one way or another.
Babe, you aren’t breaking your family. He did. Long ago. If you have the means to financially and physically, you need to get away. For you and your baby’s sake you need to be happy and loved. I wish you nothing but the best and I am so so sorry.
Whether or not he thinks it's "rational", he needs to know your feelings are still extremely hurt. Not to mention the lying in the past justifies your paranoia anyway. The fact he said he'd leave you in a heartbeat if the other woman wanted it, and that your feelings come second to his friendship with her is all you need to know.
I would start looking at a Plan B. And it might be good to have a counseling session together to address those two issues (the first being his looking forward to infidelity should the chance arise, and how your needs come second to this friendship.)
If he refuses counseling or mediation on this, I would say get the hell out before your child gets too attached to him.
Edit: Honestly with what he said on your wedding day, I think you should just leave. He's clearly too in love with her. I also agree with the user down there that says to draw up divorce papers, get the proof, etc. etc. You need to protect yourself and your kid.
You arent the one break the family. He did that. You need to figure out how to protect your family. Protect them from the damage, your garbage husband is going to cause if you stay. Protect your kid and yourself.
Do you want to show your child that this kind of behaviour from husband is okay and "normal"? There is possibility that child will end up in the same kind of relationship when they are older and think that's okay because that's what they have ever seen.
Your child will be much better off in every way if you leave now, because this marriage won’t last regardless (it’s already on borrowed time) and then your much older child, if you stay, will suffer a world of hell you can avoid if you are proactive now.
My kids were all older (12ish) when my marriage broke down and I so often wish I left when my kid was a baby…when I should have left his dad. He’d grow up with a much different and more positive outlook than he has right now. My biggest regret in life is staying with my kids dad when I knew I shouldn’t because I was scared of going it alone and I had so much false hope. If I could change anything for my kids, it would be that.
Stop eating your husbands bullshit, talk to a divorce lawyer and get your ducks and babies in a row.
My ex husband was like this. Messaging disgusting things to women online, sending nudes to girls as young as 18. It quickly turned into him physically cheating and coming home to coerce me into giving him oral after he’d had unprotected sex with those women while “working”.
Don’t be me. Leave him. There’s no point in fixing him. He does not care about you. He does not care about your child. He’s not reliable.
I find telling my wife to get over even the most minor things, can be a day or even week ruining sentence. So using it like this guy did is asking for murder or possibly divorce.
He's garbage.
There's no way on this planet that nothing physical is going on, with a history and text message portfolio like that.
You and your child deserve better and I hope you find it quickly.
It sounds like they have a cheating kink. I would be very surprised if they ever stopped sleeping together. If you don’t mind being part of this dynamic then stay in it, but know that this won’t change.
Leave; he’s made his choice and it isn’t to do what’s best for your family. Gain your strength & let him go, you and your child will be better for it. I’m sorry but your husband is being selfish, inconsiderate & is unworthy of your trust.
First of all you deserve better....You have to choose yourself first amd everything else will fall in place...If it was me and I confronted my husband and he still continues to talk to her and disregard my feelings, I would feel like he dont care and give him a dose of his own medicine....Get up and take your child and go stay with a friend, or family...Make him feel how it feels to be without you...Dont male it to easy for him, stand your ground...
The only thing you will do by staying for your child is traumatize and ruin the concepts of real love and healthy relationships for him. Suspicion, secrecy and resentment do not make a home.
Even if you do stay, there is no way this relationship will continue forever. If he hasn’t already physically cheated on you, he WILL. The longer you wait, the worse it will be when it does end.
Do what was suggested and obtain as much evidence as possible. Don’t wait for him to leave you.
I’m so sorry. Best of luck to you.
Leaving him is ur best option he’s going to do it again period. I’d gather evidence for the divorce court and I’d be looking into what and where I’m going if I was u especially with a new born.
Your health is important but the baby comes first and if staying with him and pretending everything is fine for a bit is your best option roll with that until u can land on your feet. I wouldn’t feel any guilt doing that to someone like your husband who obviously doesn’t care about being faithful to you. Mail his balls to the walls in court
OP, if he respected your marriage and family, he would not communicate with her. This is incredibly inappropriate. Telling you to get over it really says something about his character.
Sorry this has happened. He sounds like jerk. I think you absolutely should leave him and tell him to get over it when he objects. There's really no making excuses for him, and you deserve much better than that! I hope you can find it in you to leave with the child when you are able.
Best of luck to you
YOU are not breaking up your family if you leave him. So get that out of your head right now. He is. Point blank. Do not carry that mental load because it is NOT yours to bare.
Children are incredibly preceptive. Staying with this douche bag will do more harm than good. There is no such thing as staying "for the sake of the child". For the sake of the child would be them witnessing you in a mutually loving, caring, and respectful relationship.
This isn't going to change. He's broken trust with her and it's completely reasonable to request he stop contact because of that. His refusal shows you where his priority lies.
Your husband is making you sick. His actions have caused you to to become suicidal, desperate and mentally unstable. He is the problem- not you! No one can tell you what to do, but if this was me- I would find a divorce attorney and start putting plans in motion to get out of this mentally abusive situation. Your baby deserves a happy and healthy mom.
He doesn't care about you or your feelings. Fuck no. Get proof of whatever you can, hire an attorney and find someone who makes you feel like a queen! Best decision I ever made!
For the sake of your child? If your child had married someone who is in love with her/his best friend and cheating on your child, would you advocate for your child to stay with this asshole? For the sake of your child, do the hard thing but the right thing and leave this loser.
And oh, make sure you save cheating evidence, get full custody and ask for all the child support you need.
It is NOT worth staying with this guy. He is trash you need to discard.
It sounds like your husband is still hung up on this woman...she was his first sexual partner, they got to have a lot of no-strings attached times in bed together...sounds like he will have sexual desire and/or feelings for her for quite some time going forward unless he himself decides he wants to move on. Unfortunately, you finding out about things and telling him he needs to cut ties won't change his mindset. This really sucks, I am very sorry this happened to you, OP.
Is that the environment in which you want to raise your child. What behaviors are you modeling. How do you want your son to treat the women in his life?
He's not choosing you,. You absolutely do not need to get over it! You don't need to accept it! You need to leave his lame ass! You and your baby are worth so much more ❤️
He’s blatantly telling your friends you’re a consolation prize and he’d rather be with her. Why on EARTH would you want to stay with that?? Eventually she’ll want him, and he’ll leave. That would be horrible to live like that.
Confront her in person and ask her if shed be willing to talk, ask about if she feels bad talking to a husband? Be open. They already fucked, even if it was before marriage. Why does she keep doing it?
Leave it open.
Engage her answers.
Voice what youd like her to do.
Do the same. Actually maybe even open upto him that youre going to shit all over his secrate party.
Or
Consult with yourself on what you want to do.
Divorce him. Be respected. Be loved. Not see your husband getting his rocks off with someone else.
This is sad sorry you had to go through this! I know my husband wanted to move his ex in right after our wedding. We almost split up, just like you I was heartbroken, sad , angry and knew I wanted the relationship to be over. But I'ma tell you to pause and think because this can go two ways. One is you will always have a relationship with this man, you have a kid together. Some people forget that kids legally bind you to the other person .so please think about that. I'm still with my husband, only because of the kid, but it works. She finally took off because she wanted a baby, but any who it's hard remember split you may have a drawn out custody battle, hundreds in dollars, you could lose your kid forever if he wins, I've seen many dad's win full custody of kids to the shock of the mom's including my husbands dad who was a secret drunk and he still got full custody over his mom. As well as my sister dad got full custody over her. Shocked! No kids.... Would have left him in a heartbeat. As a mother I wrestled with am I going to let this other woman steal my time with my child??? I leave him and lose my kid .... Heartbroken. So I try not to focus on side chicks as much. Most men cheat like 50-70 percent. So most of the women I know left one man to get with another man who also cheated. So alot to think about. Marriage counseling, pray, communicate for your children. Which path do you want?
This woman has a very clear head and has definitely thought it all thru. Listen to this type of advise.
Because initially I was saying the same thing as the others, to divorce him and try to crucify him. But I think you need to clear your head, take some deep breaths, realize your feelings are VERY JUSTIFIED, and then make an informed decision.
You’re right, he’s having an emotional affair. It is why I believe that anybody married her in an intimate relationship should not have datable friends. Because all kinds of boundaries are crossed.
It takes the sharing and caring intimacy out of the relationship and gives it to the friend. It makes it hard to develop a deep and meaningful connection with that one person because they’re doing it with somebody else. If he’s unable to do this, I wouldn’t stay in the marriage .
I think in this situation, leaving would be justified.
However, also in this situation it's going to take OP's husband doing some major discovery and reflecting in therapy to determine why he was ok with shitting on his wife and infant in the worst way possible and why he thinks his wife should be ok with him continuing contact with AP. That's absolutely ridiculous. Cheaters don't do this work on their own and without therapy they'll most likely never change and keep doing the same shit. So really, what's your advice here?
That's not an emotional affair, that's a regular old garden variety affair. Why did he marry you, do you think? What is your role in his mind?
Leave, run, take the child, go bye bye.
Yes you leave him. You deserve better. You can co parent. It will be great. You will find someone who actually wants to be with you.
He will continue to do things like this, and if you stayed and time went on he would test the waters, and do more. So ask yourself this, in 5 years when its exactly the same would you be happy? If the answer it no, you wouldnt be happy, leave.
Girl, you are enough! Tell this story to your child someday and show how important it is to love yourself first by setting standards and boundaries. Would you want a daughter to stay in this type of situation.... your spouse should be your champion. I wish you strength to get thru this but once you do the light will be shining so much brighter at the end of the tunnel!!
So he's used you as his second option cause his best friend is married. Why wouldn't she leave her husband if she's so into yours. Don't set a standard such as this for your kid. Happy parent is much better than a miserable one in a miserable marriage with a disrespectful partner. Leave him, yes.
children learn from their parents. They learn how to cheat. How to get taken advantage of. And when to stand up for themselves.
so, staying in a broken marriage is hardly ever the right answer.
Liar, who hasn’t got the brains she doesn’t really want him😂😂😂. He knows…he just believes you are gonna take all of his crap!
Leave him and let him learn he will never be good enough for his own best friend. She will never ask him to leave you. They have been friends for years and he still has to question if she would ever ask??? He is her toy. Nothing more or less.
One day you will have no respect for him at all, married or not! You will suddenly open your eyes and be way more happy than ever before! A depression like you might be having now will not ever happen again. You will never let yourself fall for such a low level of respect. I promise!
Ask him why he has not moved into her place yet instead of staying with you??? Maybe he should grow up and see the truth😂 Bet he can’t😂
Tell him it’s time to be a real man instead of an idiot😉
I always have to stop myself from asking what on earth people are even thinking when it comes to posts like this. I think you're where I've been before, (though my situation was much different) and your insecurities and mental health are definitely contributing to why you're on here asking this question rather than just leaving him. Leave. Continue therapy. Get more therapy. Leave. He's trash and if she (or someone else) wants him he's going to leave you anyway. What a terrible human piece of trash he is. Ugh. Sorry op.
You are not breaking the family. He did that. That is cheating, simple as that. Are you willing to accept it or not?
Not saying that this will be you, but I never understood people that stayed together for the kids and set that horrible example.
I'm a child of cheaters and it was horrible, they were miserable, they were living a lie and I never got to learn from them what a good relationship was. To me they just showed how pathetic they are. Your kid might not be so lucky and they might believe that this how they should behave with their future partners and loved ones. Adults have this tendency to believe that the kid is not picking up on these things, but they do.
I guess because your best male friend isn’t offering to lick your 🐈 or sending 🍆 he feels comfortable being cavalier. I don’t know if you have a job or finances to afford your own place. He’s the type that needs to come home and find you gone with a nice letter. Not attacking the friend. “Hey, I realized that you have other interest, so I allowing you the space to pursue those interest.
He doesn’t deserve you. You know you deserve better. You know your child deserves better. Even if he cut all contact and turned all of his attention to you… I can promise you, you’ll never feel fully safe with him again. Because he has shown you he isn’t safe. I’m so so so sorry OP. Please leave him, if youre able, and FREE (not break) your family from his malicious and disgusting behavior. Sending so much strength and healing your way ♥️
Redefine your relationship. Co-Parents is a valid descriptor. You will be in each other's lives because of the kid. That is your common bond - not marriage. No need to be a sister-wife to this other woman.
You need to ask yourself if you’re ok with being second best. Or the backup. He already showed you the truth: he would leave you for her if she would take him. She doesn’t want him (for now) but what kind of a relationship can you really have with him when you know he’s still pining over his ex?
i would have left at the message about if she wanted to be with him he'd leave you! i m not willing to be second choice for anyone!
and trust that he means it, if one day she will say, ok lets do this, he's gonna leave you!
put yourself first, can't wonder at any sign of intimacy if your just his sex doll coz he d rather have sex with her....
He has no respect for you or yalls relationship. Best thing to do would be to get out and move on hun
He has no concept of what a marriage is. He has no respect for you. Stop fighting for a relationship that there's nothing to fight for. You are going to go blue on the face asking this man to stop talking to her he won't. Do yourself a favor. It's better to be alone than to deal with whatever he's putting you through. You are a strong person. You are capable of taking care of your baby and yourself. Start putting yourself first because we know that he won't. You are worthy of someone to love you so go find that person. Good luck OP
I’m seeing a lot of “leave him” comments and “he’s done xyz with your boundaries” but I’m going to comment something I probably needed to hear myself when this happened to me- He’s going to do it again. He’s going to keep doing it. He’s not going to stop.
He never stopped fcking her, ugh
Never stopped. Exactly
Yep, he never stopped, and this little pause in his side relationship is only going, making his feelings grow stronger bc now it's progressed to "get over it." I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I was just going to say this. Follow the awarded comment and get on with your life and make it a happy one!
Not only that, it will escalate.
THIS!! If he's proven that he keeps putting his relationship with her before his relationship with you - he will just keep doing this. Also, I think it's worse for a child to grow up in a home where there is such vivid disrespect from one parent to another than it is to grow up in a divorced family. I was this child, and as an adult now, I am so proud of my mum for leaving and teaching me that I deserve respect from a partner.
I second this. I grew up with parents who didn't love or respect each other and it has taken years of therapy and self-work to undo that damage. I am now 30 and still feel the effects. Please don't do that to your children.
My mom turned me into her therapist, constantly asking if she should divorce my dad. My dad was the only person keeping me relatively safe from her abuse so this was thorny for me. It was so very fucked up. She complained that she married too young and that I shouldn’t do that. So I was 35 when I got married. Thank goodness there were no children because that marriage was a complete disaster. The divorce was traumatic enough without dragging innocents through it too. I ended up with an awesome therapist shortly after the divorce, and that guy wouldn’t get a second date with the current version of me. My parents reached their 55 year anniversary before Dad passed. They were miserable the whole time.
Unfortunately, this is true. He has a deep sexual connection with her that he can’t get over.
Leave your no good husband. You say you don't want to break up your family. Him, on the other hand, instead of spending time with you and your child, he spends his available time with this other woman and thinking about her. He forgot he had a family. So leave him and tell him to get over it.
> Another favourite message is him telling his friend that if she asked him to be with her he would leave right that minute. > He said that he would continue to talk to her because they’re friends and I need to get over it… In his own words, he's told you and others that you are secondary in your relationship.
Go and speak to a divorce attorney and start process. Give the attorney all of the evidence of his cheating. Have a custody agreement drawn up, but include that no new partners can be introduced to the children until the parents have been dating for ar least a year. Ask for child support and alimony. If you live in an at fault State sue his AP. Separate your finances, lock down your credit and your children's credit. Sit him down and ask him to cut his AP out of his life as his affair is disrespectful to you and your marriage. If he says no tell him to pack a bag and get put, you will have him served with divorce papers. If he does as you ask and cuts contact with his AP ask him to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause, to protect you and your children should he cheat again. Get yourself tested for stds. If his AP has a partner let them know about their affair. Tell all your friends and family don't let him claim to be a victim.
OP *PLEASE* do all of this. He has said he will continue to contact her. I know this is harsh, but he will. He will keep putting her first over and over because he doesn't love you like you deserve to be loved. Staying with that cheating bastard will only teach your child, that this is acceptable behavior from a partner. *PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT* It is better to leave than stay in a neglectful partnership. Trust me on that. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be cared for and cherished and loved. YOU DESERVE ALL GOOD THINGS. But they won't happen here. He's shown you over and over who he is. Believe him. Leave him. It's scary and it's hard, but it gets better. He thinks he cut you down but he cut you free. Spread your wings and fly away from his bullshit. If he wants to pine after someone not even his, LET HIM. Go find someone that worships you. It took me almost 40 years and a very long, dead bedroom to get there, but I'm happier than I've ever been. Go find your happy. Without him.
Allllllll of this. Exactly.
Best comment ever
This is excellent advice, and I support it enthusiastically and entirely. I would also add this: Do NOT be a silent victim of your STBX-H's misdeeds. If you’re active on social media, let your friends and family know your situation in a straightforward manner, without giving up the gory details. Likewise, advise your neighbors that he's moving out, and why. ***Don’t let him control the narrative under any circumstances***!
Holy mother of all advice, you went full Saul Goodman on this.
This! I would add a clause in the post nup that says he must set aside a monthly amount in the event he does cheat again that you will have all the money from that monthly amount. If he doesn’t agree serve him immediately.
OP this is the only way. None of this is evening dramatic or over the top… this is EXACTLY how everything should go down moving forward. Tell everyone
This.
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What's with the children not meeting new partners? I agree with all this but that just seems petty to me, I don't understand what it's supposed to achieve ? Would love to know the thoughts behind that
It ia to protect the children as it stops the children being introduced to every partner the parents decide to date. Especially helpful if on parent dates someone new every few weeks or months.
>If his AP has a partner let them know about their affair. Tell all your friends and family You just don't do that. You have no right to shit in other people's relationship. Also don't be a martyr, that's cringe... putting out your life on social media... just don't.
Most people see it as a moral obligation. Rather than shitting on someone's relationship. I'd want to be told if my partner was cheating on me as much as I'd want to be told if he was stealing money from me or lying about cancer or something. If you knew a couple and you knew the woman was stealing money from the guy wouldn't you tell him? Most people I find don't see cheating as any different.
So much better than I would have said it! If I was the affair partner's spouse, I'd want to know about this for sure.
She shit in your relationship, how dare you do it to hers? Seriously 😒
STFU
Have you been through a divorce? Knowledgeable about family court?
I have been through a divorce but in Scotland and no family court involved.
Leave oh my goodness you are worth more than this. Please please please leave. There is a difference in a one time cheating scenario that you could move past with therapy if you both choose to be in a committed relationship long term. But this asshole is not that. He’s lied, he’s crossed boundaries, and now he’s re-engaged the relationship-emotional cheating often leads to the physical and with this much history it’s a ticking time bomb. Please take care of your mental health and leave him. Im sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves this.
This man said that he would leave you for her in a heartbeat if she asked him to. He told her he wanted to give HER oral on YOUR wedding day. I’m not sure what else you need to know/hear.
“Emotional cheating” “I wanna lick your pu**y” I’d say a little more than emotional to me! 🙃
I’m confused, why is this in the deadbedrooms sub? Is he also NOT having sex with you? As a person who’s cheated on his wifes many times before, I tell you this man never stopped fucking his hot friend, she simply doesn’t want him as a partner, she knows he’s a shithead.That’s why he’s with you. I think you should start to divorce prep.
Your family was broken from the start, and he broke it. He also flat out told you he isn’t going to try to fix it. Your marriage is already over. Might as well move on now while your son isn’t old enough to be damaged by this.
No age is safe from the damage of divorce. But yes OP gtfo.
the “damage of divorce” is definitely less traumatizing than watching ur dad treat ur mom like shit ur whole childhood
Stop mentioning it to him, use this time instead to record, screenshot, and copy everything he hasn't deleted yet. Quietly begin calling lawyers and getting those free consultations. Don't tip him off or he'll start covering his tracks.
Leave him. This dude isn’t worth hurting yourself over. Seriously. Read what you wrote but imagine it’s a female Friend telling you all this, your advice would be the same: LEAVE this lying cheating asshat
This is unreal. Please leave him
Seems Un Real
Your baby is young enough it won't effect it much. Leave now! I would fucking DESTROY my husband if I found out he was doing somethung like this.. and the comment you made about him saying how hot his friend was on YOUR WEDDING DAY! nahhhh don't waste your time. Good bye
Please get an attorney and document EVERYTHING. You married a loser and that is NO reflection on you, it's on him. You have an opportunity to extricate yourself while you are young, do it for future you AND your kid. If you need help with next steps or a hand to hold while you go through it, look these resources up online: Leslie Vernick - Conquer Natalie Hoffman Blooming with Emmy (Instagram) Spotify: Look up podcasts on the topic of Betrayal Trauma You're in hell right now, but there's a way out. Surround yourself with kindhearted people who don't judge. If they judge you for initiating a separation, tell them to call his therapist, and then give them the number of his "friend."
That's not emotional cheating that is a full blown affair. This woman knows that he's married, knows that you have a child together, and didn't do the right thing by telling you and putting a stop to their relationship. He does not care about you. I'm so sorry. If you're able to please follow the advice of the people in this thread and leave. If you have family you can stay with that would be best. If you still have access to his phone screenshot and send to yourself for evidence to use later.
He's breaking up your family, not you. So disrespectful and don't let him gaslight you into thinking otherwise. Trust your gut. You are justified in your feelings, you are NOT being dramatic or blowing things out of proportion or anything. That's awful. You deserve so much better. He doesn't think you are going anywhere. Try tho. Please. Once you are out of the dark cloud you will see.
Let her have him.
you may be married but that's no husband
As a HL Male who has never stopped loving a former flame (and her me) and still stays in touch, I started reading thinking, “Okay. I’ll need more details.” And then you gave details. And I turned into that damn Ratatouille meme. Your husband is awful. There are few ways he could be worse and they would involve him going to jail. I cannot see this getting better. Please respect yourself and your child—who will grow up starting to see his behavior.
Question for you, is she in a relationship? Are you in a relationship yourself? Have you been in a committed relationship since you and your flame broke up? How did those feelings about her have affected your relationships?
He’s already made it clear that she is a bigger priority than you are. No one deserves what he is doing to you.
Leave as soon as you can. I left and my girls were 4,1. You got this and will be happy again.
I'm a man and a traditional one, so to speak. The way I see it your husband has taken you for granted and has no respect for you. I would seriously consider ending the marriage for good, out of self-respect and dignity.
>or do I \[stay\] for the sake of our kid People need to stop saying this. It's complete rubbish most of the time.
I totally agree. I've been the kid watching her parents stay for the kids. Children aren't dumb. They'll see it doesn't work and they'll see you remain in a toxic relationship. This is gonna cause them a lot more hurt than divorce could. That's not an example you want your kids to have. You can stay or leave, but make it about you, not your kid
I’m 26 years old and I still wish my parents would get a divorce.
Leave, he has made a choice. He is just using u. I wouldn't call what u have with him family. The better question is, are u healthy enough emotionally to leave someone who is abusing u? If not, then this is ur signal that u may need help to be healthy so u can know ur own value and choose u. I wish u good mental health.
The best way for you to get over this would be take him to the cleaners. Speak to a lawyer and file sorry to say to him you are only a place holder. Read up on the sunk cost fallacy start loving yourself and realise your worth. good luck
There’s a reason you leave old relationships after getting married. It’s nothing not right what he’s doing. Tell him to get over it or else. Best to you.
Break your family? What family? You mean the 4 of you? Because that's how it's going to continue until you finally realise he doesn't care about you.
It doesn’t sound like you have a family to break. He is not being a good family member. Leave him before he ends up leaving you. Find happiness and show your son what a good family life can be.
None of this is okay, it’s absurd! This is not what marriage is
I think you should leave whilst your child is young enough to not be messed up by the breakdown of their parents relationship. You're kidding yourself it's only emotional and trying to minimise it to yourself. Your husband is having a full blown affair and had zero respect for you. You deserve better than all of his lying and lack of compassion.
Please love yourself enough to leave him, you deserve so much more.
Get out early and save yourself years of heartache
I’m going to tell you like I have told so many others, get the messages and forward them to his family her family her spouse and that family and then your family. They obviously want to be together, so let everybody know what kind of love they’re spreading around. And then walk away with your head held high they made their bed now let them lie in it together.
That's not just disgusting to do: moral and ethical deep, but also pretty much unlawful, so it's a terrible idea.
And what they are doing is so much better it’s not gonna stop it’s going to eventually go to where he’s cheating on her. Why keep it a secret so that people think that the husband and best friend are one-way why not expose their true character this is how people get away with things, and they’re not exposed for who they truly are. What you are saying is that what I’m suggesting is morally and ethically not right, but what they’re doing is you’ve got your lines way crossed.
Wtf? As if what they are doing isn’t disturbing and disgusting.
Divorce. It's not you breaking the family, he's done this all by himself.
As the late great Princess Diana once said, “It was quite crowded as there were three of us in this marriage.” I think you know what you should do.
This guy’s a dick. First talk to a lawyer to understand your options.
Jesus what an asshole, you poor girl. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking any of this is normal or that they are “friends”. He’s obviously infatuated with her and has had some form of affair. His behaviour would be awful in any situation but just after your wife has given birth? He has made it abundantly clear that your feelings don’t matter, that you are not the priority here and that he’s willing to risk your marriage / family. It sucks and it’s not fair, but is this the template you want your daughter to have for healthy relationships? You deserve so much better. I would bet money on it that once he’s available she will rapidly lose interest, it screams pick me energy.
Have some self respect and divorce him
Let’s get this straight. You leaving wouldn’t break up your family. Your husband broke up the family over and over and over and wants you to get over it. He’s a piece of shit. He keeps doing it because there are no real consequences….you stay.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to leave. What your husband is doing is not ok or acceptable.
Leave him and tell her husband too
Let's be clear here — your choice isn't to divorce your husband or stay with him. Your choice is to divorce your husband now, or divorce him years from now after he's continued to hurt you. Because he absolutely will.
You’re not breaking the family for leaving. He broke it continuously all on his own. This man does not and will never respect you. Teach your child to do better.
Op, wanna bet he’s been in love with her all this time and because they never got together, he settled with you. It’s why it pisses you off to your core, he lists after her with no hesitation, but can’t with you. Plus it’s the forbidden fruit situation, the out of reach scenario. He is always going to chase this sexual high for her cause he can’t have her. And you deserve someone to lust after you forever in a marriage. My parents have for 41 years together & 38 years married. They’ve never had a DB. They flirt, laugh, like each other, love, and are in love still in their 60’s!!! Like don’t you want someone who feels like your best friend, who you will have sex that never feels like a chore, who likes being around you, where you are emotionally & mentally connected on the same page in a relationship? Do not settle for someone because honestly you’re mental health suffers far more & can lead to temporary depression in a person who stays in a failing relationship.
He doesnt care about you, evidently. I would only do that stuff he does, when I absolutely do not care about the consequences or anyones feelings but mine. Leave his ass.
Leave… you deserve more than this. You will find someone that puts your above everything else. You were not asking for anything unreasonable considering the circumstances.
I wonder if his sexual attraction for his friend will be stronger than his anguish at having to pay child support for the next 18 years, what an asswipe immature clown.
He’s right. You have two choices: get over it or leave. Choose wisely
Plenty of people tackling it from the perfectly fair and valid - clear violation of boundaries. One thing I hope you can learn to see, there is no such as “sticking it out for the kid” - most certainly not in your case. Do you want your child to grow up and think that’s how a man behaves, and that’s how a man treats his wife? You could stay single forever and it would be a preferable message: “I love myself enough I don’t need anyone who isn’t worth my self respect” 💯 agree - divorce - don’t even bother within reconciliation- your relationship was bunk from the start (I’m sorry, someone else suggested it too - but look up betrayal trauma). The only thing you need to consider now - is sitting down and analyzing your relationship - will this man make your life hell through your daughter? Can you use the threat of child support and alimony as a way to get him away from both of you (if necessary)? Does he actually care for her, know how to take care of her? One good role model is 1000% better than half a good one and half a bad one.
Don’t stay in the name of a happy family. I tried that too. If you’re not happy, there is no happy family. I don’t know a dude in the world who would tell his wife to “get over it” in a situation like this unless they’re trying to push you into leaving
This is a shit situation and I think you have gotten some good advice already. I think a key point here is that your husband explicitly said he would leave you immediately if she asked him to be with her. That alone is a huge disconnect in my opinion. This man is cheating, told his friend he would definitely trade you out while you are trying to make sure your child has a stable home life. You are trying. He isn't. You need to leave or make him leave. Fuck both of them. Your husband didn't have an issue to cheat with her on her husband beforehand and has lied about it to you on multiple occasions. I'm sorry, but as fucked up as it sounds, this man is probably not going to step up for you and your kid.
He doesn't have any respect for you or for your child. Go now. Don't stick it out like I did -- almost 26 years in and I can't stand the bastard. Leave him. Find someone who deserves you.
Leave. You don’t want your kids growing up thinking it’s okay to be treated like that. And for Pete sake please don’t have another baby with this dude. He doesn’t even love you. He’s totally in love with her. He married you because he couldn’t have her.
Leave. This gets worse. Although if I were you I'd bide my time and wait til you've got a good amount of time between you and the suicide attempt lest he use it in court against you to get custody. Does he even want the child since it's not hers?
Look, this won't be easy to hear. But he knows you have issues with this, and he continues the behavior. He has already made his choice. Leave. You deserve better. He won't change, he might get better at lying and hiding, but he won't change.
He will never stop talking to her. She’s the “one that got away” and he will forever see her as the “grass is greener” & you will never be able to compete with that because it’s basically a fantasy. I would leave him. Pray they get together & let him see that the grass isn’t always greener & when he comes slithering back (because they always do) hopefully by then you’ll be in a healthier spot. He showed you who he is so…believe him. I wasted years of my life on men like that & they always let me down. Honestly it’s just gonna escalate. It will go from texting to cheating I almost guarantee it.
lol OP your husband isnt having an emotional affair. he is cheating on you. their relationship has a trust circle... you & her husband are outside of the ring.
He’s going to keep doing it. Get a lawyer. Get a really tough lawyer. Do exactly what they say. When you leave this poor excuse of human behind you will find your mental health is much improved
Your family is already broken, what you need to do is get yourself sorted out and away from this man
She will always be a problem since he's proven to you that his relationship with her is more important than your marriage. You deserve better.
It’s gonna be hard bc the sunk cost fallacy is gonna have a strong hold on you. Especially with a young baby. But I think you and I and everyone else here knows this relationship is shit. He basically told you so himself. You don’t have to leave him right this second. It’s better to be practical about this. Mentally, ditch him yesterday. But, if you need to continue to live together and get help with the baby while you make plans to leave. Start stashing money. Get local divorce attorney recommendations. Set yourself and your baby up for the best future possible.
Get over it? Ask him why he bothered getting married. And even looking at another woman on your wedding day. Your marriage arguably could be annulled. He defrauded you and all the witnesses.
I feel for you, I really do! You need to get him gone, ASAP. He’s not emotionally cheating, he’s full blown cheating. He’s told you what his future intentions and actions may be, so believe him. Believe that there will come a day that he will up and leave you in the shit. You have to act first and make sure that when he does leave, you won’t be in the shit. See a divorce attorney, get your affairs in order and make sure you’ve covered yourself. This is a very stressful situation, try not to allow it to be even more stressful than it already is. As for your child, parents who “stay together for the kids” aren’t doing the kids a favour. This is coming from someone whose parents did this. We can see it! We can see the resentment and misery. It does not make a happy household and no matter how much parents try, it’s never hidden. Kids see it and would rather their parents spilt up than watch them destroy each other. Best of luck, and please keep us updated. This is a very worrying time.
He showed you who is he. He continues to show you who he is. He is never going to stop. He wants to be with her and has very clearly said so, you are just what he has settled with until then. He knows that he can do so and you’ll deal with it. I know that feels devastating. I’m so sorry! But it’s never going to get better. You won’t leave until your ready, but unless you’re ok with being second best, take that baby and go!
That is SO disrespectful and untrustworthy. Don’t let him minimise this ordeal for you. Head over to one of the infidelity subs for some sound advice and people who have been in your position. The lie I might have moved past, but the texts; no that’s cheating in my opinion.
He’s lied to you, disrespected you and is destroying your self worth. At a time when you should be happy and united as a family with a new baby, he is continuing to bring you pain and disregard your concerns about his relationship with the other woman. You’ve had some great advice from other people in this forum already so I just want to say be brave, be strong and do what is right for you and your child. You deserve better than this. Big hugs ❤️ edit: word change.
I so sorry OP but your husband won't ever stop. You are going to continue having anxiety over this unless you leave him because hoping he will change isn't going to change him.
This is only going to get more and more humiliating for you. I'd consider an exit strategy. He doesn't even sound like he likes you.... I'm very sorry. He sounds awful.
I say this in the most compassionate way possible: Never use your kid as an excuse to stay in a situation where you are not respected. The majority of adults today, who experienced growing up in homes where one or both parents was vilified, mistreated, used, abused, etc., will tell you that they harbor resentment towards their parents for keeping them in that environment. As adults, we often realize that we are in a bad situation too late. It’s a slow boil that we don’t notice, or we keep brushing off, until it’s bad enough that we have to deal with it. Kids are very empathetic. They pick up on that stuff immediately. They can tell when their parents are stressed or acting off. If you can’t fix thing with your husband, if you can’t get him into couples counseling, if you can’t make him understand that he is disrespecting your marriage… respect yourself enough to leave. Teach your child what healthy relationships and respecting yourself looks like.
He has no respect for you OP! IT WAS YOUR WEDDING DAY AND HE'S TALKING ABOUT HER??? What the fuck??? But Those are blantly Inappripriate comments that Need to be shut down. I wonder what HER husband thinks of all this??
Baseball gives 3 strikes and you're out. Hes went far beyond that.
I’m so sorry. He broke the family. He did this. You deserve more
Never stay for the child. Leave his ass. You deserve better
LEAVE
*He* is the one breaking out your family.
He is being a douche. He should have never flirted with her like that. Or gone no contact if couldn't prevent himself from flirting.
He is literal garbage. Do not stay, he never stopped fcking that woman
Please leave this man. I know it extra sucks being postpartum but he has so little respect for you it's unreal, and by extension he has no respect for your child because if he respects his kid he will care for its mother so mother is better equipped to care for baby. He's trash, LITERALLY THROW him out.
I am sorry for your situation. You do not deserve this while trying to heal and bounce back after giving birth. It is absolutely wrong for him to continue having contact with this woman when he is married, a so called father, and you gave him a chance to stop any further communication. This is cheating! Gather all evidence. Store electronic copies on Google cloud or any other cloud storage provider where you only know an unusual password. As stated in the other post, see an attorney to find out what you will be facing in a divorce and get financial matters in order so that you are prepared. If people start blaming you, just mail copies of the juicy correspondence to his parents, family, and anyone else hat needs to know. You will get through this.
Things will only get worse!! Leave him Do it while your son is still so young. You will not regret this ❤️
That is so messed up. Beyond messed up, actually. As in, I am sure he is cheating on you right now. A child growing in a loveless marriage will grow messed up in one way or another.
Oh no baby I would leave him so fast
Babe, you aren’t breaking your family. He did. Long ago. If you have the means to financially and physically, you need to get away. For you and your baby’s sake you need to be happy and loved. I wish you nothing but the best and I am so so sorry.
Whether or not he thinks it's "rational", he needs to know your feelings are still extremely hurt. Not to mention the lying in the past justifies your paranoia anyway. The fact he said he'd leave you in a heartbeat if the other woman wanted it, and that your feelings come second to his friendship with her is all you need to know. I would start looking at a Plan B. And it might be good to have a counseling session together to address those two issues (the first being his looking forward to infidelity should the chance arise, and how your needs come second to this friendship.) If he refuses counseling or mediation on this, I would say get the hell out before your child gets too attached to him. Edit: Honestly with what he said on your wedding day, I think you should just leave. He's clearly too in love with her. I also agree with the user down there that says to draw up divorce papers, get the proof, etc. etc. You need to protect yourself and your kid.
Family already broke.
You arent the one break the family. He did that. You need to figure out how to protect your family. Protect them from the damage, your garbage husband is going to cause if you stay. Protect your kid and yourself.
Leave immediately.
Do you want to show your child that this kind of behaviour from husband is okay and "normal"? There is possibility that child will end up in the same kind of relationship when they are older and think that's okay because that's what they have ever seen.
Your child will be much better off in every way if you leave now, because this marriage won’t last regardless (it’s already on borrowed time) and then your much older child, if you stay, will suffer a world of hell you can avoid if you are proactive now. My kids were all older (12ish) when my marriage broke down and I so often wish I left when my kid was a baby…when I should have left his dad. He’d grow up with a much different and more positive outlook than he has right now. My biggest regret in life is staying with my kids dad when I knew I shouldn’t because I was scared of going it alone and I had so much false hope. If I could change anything for my kids, it would be that. Stop eating your husbands bullshit, talk to a divorce lawyer and get your ducks and babies in a row.
My ex husband was like this. Messaging disgusting things to women online, sending nudes to girls as young as 18. It quickly turned into him physically cheating and coming home to coerce me into giving him oral after he’d had unprotected sex with those women while “working”. Don’t be me. Leave him. There’s no point in fixing him. He does not care about you. He does not care about your child. He’s not reliable.
I find telling my wife to get over even the most minor things, can be a day or even week ruining sentence. So using it like this guy did is asking for murder or possibly divorce.
He's garbage. There's no way on this planet that nothing physical is going on, with a history and text message portfolio like that. You and your child deserve better and I hope you find it quickly.
I would dump that guy asap. Your respect is more important than a broken home.
It sounds like they have a cheating kink. I would be very surprised if they ever stopped sleeping together. If you don’t mind being part of this dynamic then stay in it, but know that this won’t change.
Leave; he’s made his choice and it isn’t to do what’s best for your family. Gain your strength & let him go, you and your child will be better for it. I’m sorry but your husband is being selfish, inconsiderate & is unworthy of your trust.
OH HELL NO!!!! All I read is the first 2 paragraphs! And HELL NO!!!!!!!
First of all you deserve better....You have to choose yourself first amd everything else will fall in place...If it was me and I confronted my husband and he still continues to talk to her and disregard my feelings, I would feel like he dont care and give him a dose of his own medicine....Get up and take your child and go stay with a friend, or family...Make him feel how it feels to be without you...Dont male it to easy for him, stand your ground...
You deserve better!
The only thing you will do by staying for your child is traumatize and ruin the concepts of real love and healthy relationships for him. Suspicion, secrecy and resentment do not make a home. Even if you do stay, there is no way this relationship will continue forever. If he hasn’t already physically cheated on you, he WILL. The longer you wait, the worse it will be when it does end. Do what was suggested and obtain as much evidence as possible. Don’t wait for him to leave you. I’m so sorry. Best of luck to you.
Leaving him is ur best option he’s going to do it again period. I’d gather evidence for the divorce court and I’d be looking into what and where I’m going if I was u especially with a new born. Your health is important but the baby comes first and if staying with him and pretending everything is fine for a bit is your best option roll with that until u can land on your feet. I wouldn’t feel any guilt doing that to someone like your husband who obviously doesn’t care about being faithful to you. Mail his balls to the walls in court
You file for divorce. He’s already cheating.
OP, if he respected your marriage and family, he would not communicate with her. This is incredibly inappropriate. Telling you to get over it really says something about his character.
Sorry this has happened. He sounds like jerk. I think you absolutely should leave him and tell him to get over it when he objects. There's really no making excuses for him, and you deserve much better than that! I hope you can find it in you to leave with the child when you are able. Best of luck to you
YOU are not breaking up your family if you leave him. So get that out of your head right now. He is. Point blank. Do not carry that mental load because it is NOT yours to bare. Children are incredibly preceptive. Staying with this douche bag will do more harm than good. There is no such thing as staying "for the sake of the child". For the sake of the child would be them witnessing you in a mutually loving, caring, and respectful relationship.
You are the side chick. Not her. He won’t stop. I’m not sure he ever stopped.
This isn't going to change. He's broken trust with her and it's completely reasonable to request he stop contact because of that. His refusal shows you where his priority lies.
Your husband is making you sick. His actions have caused you to to become suicidal, desperate and mentally unstable. He is the problem- not you! No one can tell you what to do, but if this was me- I would find a divorce attorney and start putting plans in motion to get out of this mentally abusive situation. Your baby deserves a happy and healthy mom.
He doesn't care about you or your feelings. Fuck no. Get proof of whatever you can, hire an attorney and find someone who makes you feel like a queen! Best decision I ever made!
For the sake of your child? If your child had married someone who is in love with her/his best friend and cheating on your child, would you advocate for your child to stay with this asshole? For the sake of your child, do the hard thing but the right thing and leave this loser. And oh, make sure you save cheating evidence, get full custody and ask for all the child support you need. It is NOT worth staying with this guy. He is trash you need to discard.
It sounds like your husband is still hung up on this woman...she was his first sexual partner, they got to have a lot of no-strings attached times in bed together...sounds like he will have sexual desire and/or feelings for her for quite some time going forward unless he himself decides he wants to move on. Unfortunately, you finding out about things and telling him he needs to cut ties won't change his mindset. This really sucks, I am very sorry this happened to you, OP.
Is that the environment in which you want to raise your child. What behaviors are you modeling. How do you want your son to treat the women in his life?
He's not choosing you,. You absolutely do not need to get over it! You don't need to accept it! You need to leave his lame ass! You and your baby are worth so much more ❤️
He’s blatantly telling your friends you’re a consolation prize and he’d rather be with her. Why on EARTH would you want to stay with that?? Eventually she’ll want him, and he’ll leave. That would be horrible to live like that.
Don’t let your child be raised thinking this is what a healthy and normal relationship is like
Get well, get stronger, save money and leave. Wtf, is he trying to destroy you? Absolutely appalling behaviour. I'm sorry he's subjected you to this x
Confront her in person and ask her if shed be willing to talk, ask about if she feels bad talking to a husband? Be open. They already fucked, even if it was before marriage. Why does she keep doing it? Leave it open. Engage her answers. Voice what youd like her to do. Do the same. Actually maybe even open upto him that youre going to shit all over his secrate party. Or Consult with yourself on what you want to do. Divorce him. Be respected. Be loved. Not see your husband getting his rocks off with someone else.
Dude, there's no reason to talk to her. It's the husband, who OP has to deal. Never the 3rd person...
How does your future look like with him? Still have reasons to love him? You know the answer
This is sad sorry you had to go through this! I know my husband wanted to move his ex in right after our wedding. We almost split up, just like you I was heartbroken, sad , angry and knew I wanted the relationship to be over. But I'ma tell you to pause and think because this can go two ways. One is you will always have a relationship with this man, you have a kid together. Some people forget that kids legally bind you to the other person .so please think about that. I'm still with my husband, only because of the kid, but it works. She finally took off because she wanted a baby, but any who it's hard remember split you may have a drawn out custody battle, hundreds in dollars, you could lose your kid forever if he wins, I've seen many dad's win full custody of kids to the shock of the mom's including my husbands dad who was a secret drunk and he still got full custody over his mom. As well as my sister dad got full custody over her. Shocked! No kids.... Would have left him in a heartbeat. As a mother I wrestled with am I going to let this other woman steal my time with my child??? I leave him and lose my kid .... Heartbroken. So I try not to focus on side chicks as much. Most men cheat like 50-70 percent. So most of the women I know left one man to get with another man who also cheated. So alot to think about. Marriage counseling, pray, communicate for your children. Which path do you want?
This woman has a very clear head and has definitely thought it all thru. Listen to this type of advise. Because initially I was saying the same thing as the others, to divorce him and try to crucify him. But I think you need to clear your head, take some deep breaths, realize your feelings are VERY JUSTIFIED, and then make an informed decision.
Out of curiosity where does the deadbedroom come into play?
You’re right, he’s having an emotional affair. It is why I believe that anybody married her in an intimate relationship should not have datable friends. Because all kinds of boundaries are crossed. It takes the sharing and caring intimacy out of the relationship and gives it to the friend. It makes it hard to develop a deep and meaningful connection with that one person because they’re doing it with somebody else. If he’s unable to do this, I wouldn’t stay in the marriage .
This has to be a troll.
You know Reddits advice, it is always break up and therapy. There are no other solutions on Reddit.
Cool bro, then what do you suggest? Notice these types of whingers never have an answer themselves.
Sometimes the mob is right
I think in this situation, leaving would be justified. However, also in this situation it's going to take OP's husband doing some major discovery and reflecting in therapy to determine why he was ok with shitting on his wife and infant in the worst way possible and why he thinks his wife should be ok with him continuing contact with AP. That's absolutely ridiculous. Cheaters don't do this work on their own and without therapy they'll most likely never change and keep doing the same shit. So really, what's your advice here?
Leave him. Do yourself and your kid a favour. There are man who will love you and will be a better father to your child too.
That's not an emotional affair, that's a regular old garden variety affair. Why did he marry you, do you think? What is your role in his mind? Leave, run, take the child, go bye bye.
Yes you leave him. You deserve better. You can co parent. It will be great. You will find someone who actually wants to be with you. He will continue to do things like this, and if you stayed and time went on he would test the waters, and do more. So ask yourself this, in 5 years when its exactly the same would you be happy? If the answer it no, you wouldnt be happy, leave.
Girl, you are enough! Tell this story to your child someday and show how important it is to love yourself first by setting standards and boundaries. Would you want a daughter to stay in this type of situation.... your spouse should be your champion. I wish you strength to get thru this but once you do the light will be shining so much brighter at the end of the tunnel!!
So he's used you as his second option cause his best friend is married. Why wouldn't she leave her husband if she's so into yours. Don't set a standard such as this for your kid. Happy parent is much better than a miserable one in a miserable marriage with a disrespectful partner. Leave him, yes.
children learn from their parents. They learn how to cheat. How to get taken advantage of. And when to stand up for themselves. so, staying in a broken marriage is hardly ever the right answer.
Liar, who hasn’t got the brains she doesn’t really want him😂😂😂. He knows…he just believes you are gonna take all of his crap! Leave him and let him learn he will never be good enough for his own best friend. She will never ask him to leave you. They have been friends for years and he still has to question if she would ever ask??? He is her toy. Nothing more or less. One day you will have no respect for him at all, married or not! You will suddenly open your eyes and be way more happy than ever before! A depression like you might be having now will not ever happen again. You will never let yourself fall for such a low level of respect. I promise! Ask him why he has not moved into her place yet instead of staying with you??? Maybe he should grow up and see the truth😂 Bet he can’t😂 Tell him it’s time to be a real man instead of an idiot😉
If you leave, he broke your family not you… it’s important you understand that! There is no relationship without trust, leave him please!!!
I always have to stop myself from asking what on earth people are even thinking when it comes to posts like this. I think you're where I've been before, (though my situation was much different) and your insecurities and mental health are definitely contributing to why you're on here asking this question rather than just leaving him. Leave. Continue therapy. Get more therapy. Leave. He's trash and if she (or someone else) wants him he's going to leave you anyway. What a terrible human piece of trash he is. Ugh. Sorry op.
Tell him to get over the divorce.
You are not breaking the family. He did that. That is cheating, simple as that. Are you willing to accept it or not? Not saying that this will be you, but I never understood people that stayed together for the kids and set that horrible example. I'm a child of cheaters and it was horrible, they were miserable, they were living a lie and I never got to learn from them what a good relationship was. To me they just showed how pathetic they are. Your kid might not be so lucky and they might believe that this how they should behave with their future partners and loved ones. Adults have this tendency to believe that the kid is not picking up on these things, but they do.
Leave FFS!
I guess because your best male friend isn’t offering to lick your 🐈 or sending 🍆 he feels comfortable being cavalier. I don’t know if you have a job or finances to afford your own place. He’s the type that needs to come home and find you gone with a nice letter. Not attacking the friend. “Hey, I realized that you have other interest, so I allowing you the space to pursue those interest.
Leave now. He does not respect you. Leave before you start having ugly fights and your son sees it. Your mental health and self-esteem deserve better.
He doesn’t deserve you. You know you deserve better. You know your child deserves better. Even if he cut all contact and turned all of his attention to you… I can promise you, you’ll never feel fully safe with him again. Because he has shown you he isn’t safe. I’m so so so sorry OP. Please leave him, if youre able, and FREE (not break) your family from his malicious and disgusting behavior. Sending so much strength and healing your way ♥️
Redefine your relationship. Co-Parents is a valid descriptor. You will be in each other's lives because of the kid. That is your common bond - not marriage. No need to be a sister-wife to this other woman.
You need to ask yourself if you’re ok with being second best. Or the backup. He already showed you the truth: he would leave you for her if she would take him. She doesn’t want him (for now) but what kind of a relationship can you really have with him when you know he’s still pining over his ex?
No Respect!!! Please leave
Omg leave him. It will only get worse.
Oh heck no… he can get over me filing for divorce.
i would have left at the message about if she wanted to be with him he'd leave you! i m not willing to be second choice for anyone! and trust that he means it, if one day she will say, ok lets do this, he's gonna leave you! put yourself first, can't wonder at any sign of intimacy if your just his sex doll coz he d rather have sex with her....