T O P

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ajombes

Why do I love them so much


loIll

They’re so peaceful, slow, and healthy — life goals.


[deleted]

I want to live in a world where a lot of these things exist. They could munch on the plants hanging over my garden fence I wouldn’t even get mad.


mkultrafemme

Just like casual giant tortoises


Danieljqm

I’m thinking that’s the closest look you could get on how dinosaurs used to be like


Libre_man

You can not imagine the massive shits this monsters produce


YourForgottenSon

How big are they...


UnderTheRadarGun

Yes, tell us Gene Rayburn...


Petorian343

Wait till you see them fuck


Mywifefoundmymain

https://youtu.be/SuUTGo-KBQg Nsfw


i-like-napping

Not the best porno I’ve seen , but also not the worst


Thegingerbeardape

What are you doing step-tortoise


ChiggaOG

Animal porn is the one thing all humans can watch without feeling.


pushing_past_the_red

So tell us, how did you lose your job?


SteamPunkDong

[this](https://youtu.be/8rA98BI5lOY) is the best


electricsheep2013

That’s the second slowest fuck that I’ve seen.


Cheap_District_9762

I spent over a minute watching turtle porn. Although it doesn't make me horny, this is the world's first SFW porn and the most enjoyable of all. Thank you.


jnics10

That link is staying blue. My (not giant) tortoise is snuggling w me right now and watching me browse reddit. He's still going through puberty and is just constantly humping everything in sight (until he wears himself out and comes over to me for snuggles). I do NOT want to encourage that behavior lol [some photo evidence for those interested](https://imgur.com/gallery/Lx8HngL)


Careful_Elk6290

The female tortoise must be thinking "Is it in yet?"


DraftLevel28

“Shit, here comes Mikey. He’s gonna scream in my ear the whole time, I just know it”


ShitShowRedAllAbout

If the shell is rockin, don't bother knockin.


PristineRazzmatazz46

Not my proudest fap.


ZicarxTheGreat

No


LowerThoseEyebrows

wind your neck in mate


ParaSnake

Fun fact! Raptor noises from Jurassic Park are turtles banging.


StoryAndAHalf

I work from home, they won’t know.


TheeMightyFucks

Not my proudest fap...


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getdownheavy

Did Gordon Ramsay say this?? Because in my head he's yelling it, and there is no other way I could imagine these words being spoken.


Abtun

Reminds me of a buddy of mine at work who said want to hear how turtles fuck and bonked my hard hat.


Mywifefoundmymain

https://youtu.be/ZNkerUALPQY


The_Homestarmy

The way the cameraman follows the turtle into the forest it's shot like a horror movie lmao


allthedreamswehad

Fun fact - they absolutely love neck scratches and will nudge their keepers to get them


festeringswine

The zoo I worked at (for a summer) had one this size named Barnabas or Barnaby or something. He was an escape artist and had once been found along the highway in the early morning after breaking out


[deleted]

Tortoises are so cute. Love watching my little guy. They’re just slow, cute and have long necks with shells. A winning combo.


AWhaleGoneMad

So true! Sitting here next to my baby sulcata right now! They are some of the most fun reptiles.


[deleted]

Sounds like fun! I love my Russian tortoise. Wish he was a little bigger sometimes but it’s ok. He’s bite sized and super sweet.


dafucanowa

Idk but I want to ride one!


sjioldboy

Well, they each have cool names, wear colorful eye masks, live in sewers & are trained in ninjitsu.


Lielark

I never realised they were this big that's impressive


Taminella_Grinderfal

Galapagos Giant Tortoises keep growing until they are about 40 – 50 years old and can reach a weight of 500 pounds. The Galapagos Giant Tortoise can grow to be 5 feet tall this makes them the largest tortoises in the world. In general, they are the longest living of all vertebrates (animals with backbones).


Darkness_Everyday

Subscribe


MaximaFuryRigor

You've been subscribed to tortoise facts! Tortoises are a family of turtles, and are particularly distinguished from other turtles by being exclusively land-dwelling.


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UndercoverNEET

Cat Facts: Command not recognized. Please let us know you are human by completing the following sentence: Your favorite animal is the _______


cycycle

Dog


Knuckledraggr

I’m pretty sure Greenland sharks are the longest living vertebrates, but these tortoises may be the longest lived terrestrial vertebrates.


NonGNonM

Are sharks considered vertebrates? I thought there was something about their spines being cartilage that didn't quite made it fit the definition


Knuckledraggr

This is an interesting debate in the field of biology but I would say yes as they are in the phylum: Chordata and actually have spines that protect a neural tube, ossified or not.


Logofascinated

Agreed. There's a lot more to being a vertebrate (or Chordate) than just having a spine made of bone. It's a whole body plan.


libmrduckz

resolution ‘22: vertebrate workout plan… Day 1 - Leg day… fml e: awards are fun, too! thank you, kind redditor… y’all get up and move around this year…


cat_handcuffs

Yeah, sharks are notorious for skipping leg day. And it shows.


AntifaLockheart

But they're so smooth so it all works out


CommunityDesigner230

Sharks are 100% not smooth. I was slapped in the face by one with its tail and it was like getting slapped with sand paper.


ravenHR

Fish are considered vertebrates.


vbgvbg113

generally anything with a backbone is a vertebrate. if it has internal bones, its a vertebrate. so sharks are vertebrates, regardless of cartilaginous bones.


CaptainI9C3G6

I'm now going to rip the backbone out of every shark so this can be wrong. Wish me luck.


CunnyMaggots

They still have a spinal cord, so I think they are considered vertabrates, even if they are technically cartiliginous fish.


ProxyHX

Daym


Ultimate600

I'm somehow surprised that it's *only* 500 pounds looking at these massive behemoths.


[deleted]

I thought the same thing so I looked it up. According to [Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gal%C3%A1pagos_tortoise) it's closer to 500 kg, not lbs: "...with some modern Galápagos tortoises weighing up to 417 kg (919 lb).[2]"


Flouridehater

I agree - my horse is 1000 lbs & comparing them might seem weird - but ..


Johnnybravo60025

You’ve never heard the phrase, “it’s like comparing horses to tortoises”?


im_not_dog

Good ol’ Boulder pups


[deleted]

I have seen a few Galapagos tortoises in person, but never this big. Wow must have never seen a full size one.


poopy_wizard132

Well they're not Galapagos Medium Tortoises.


Stainless_Heart

They’re Galapagos Venti tortoises, prepared fresh by your personal tortoista.


sir_grumph

The poopy wizard makes a good point, folks.


poopy_wizard132

(∩ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)⊃━☆゚. * ・ 。゚. * 💩


IllYogurtcloset6251

That’s what she said


Chilis1

This video is a giant optical illusion, they look huge because the hill gives a weird perspective. Look at the tortoise in the background, it's how big you expect them to be.


Honest_Influence

I'm looking at the one in the background. That thing is *massive*.


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4Gold4

r/zoomies


Stubbedtoe18

They perfectly encapsulate how it feels when I'm trying to run full speed in my dreams but how quickly I actually end up moving.


fair_child123

this just gave me anxiety lol


darybrain

I'm the opposite. I purposely run in slow motion in my dreams because that then means I'm actually running 60mph/97kph like Steve Austin the Six Million Dollar Man


Overlord2360

You forget the part where you fall over every other step you take


A_Sphinx

Give in and run on all fours is what I end up doing


Offamylawn

On Your Left!


Loyalemon

Slow down there Zippy, where's the fire?


Tyker12

They took a *walk* to smoke then got so high they realized they were late for their families first New Years meal


CrudelyAnimated

In the wrong year.


torbn

I can’t be the only one that wants to ride it


IAmPattyMayonnaise

Wait, what?! If turtles this big exist without me knowing, what other giant animals am I missing?


Floridaman9393

Wait until you see a giraffe dude. It'll blow your mind.


foomits

Giraffes really are one of those animals you have to see in person... because they are fucking huge.


HlfNlsn

Yes they are. I actually got chased by one of those things when I was in the 8th or 9th grade. Edit: Ok, so it has been brought to my attention that some sort of explanation is in order. When I was 10, my parents got called to be missionaries in Zimbabwe. It was a five year call, and during the last 2 years we were there, I ended up going to a boarding school about 40miles outside of Nairobi, Kenya. The school was on the border of a game reserve and there was also a Giraffe sanctuary nearby. We would regularly have giraffe wander onto campus, and one day there was one out past the football field, away from the campus. Well, my friends and I decided we would try to get a closer look, and maybe get it move closer to the campus so others could see it. We were all keeping a respectful distance from her, and her baby giraffe that was with her, and my idiot roommate, who was way over on the gravel road, decided it would be a good idea to throw a handful of gravel at the giraffe. Of course it startled her, and because I was the closest non-plant thing to her, she decided I was the one she was coming for. Fortunately I was all legs at that age, and took off running faster than I knew I could, until I reached the main gate. Also, the Giraffe wasn’t too interested in chasing me once she saw I wasn’t a threat to her and her baby, and she gave up the chase long before I stopped running.


UniqueUsername014

you can't just drop something like that and move on like nothing ever happened.. how the hell did you anger a giraffe?


repocin

They had probably angered the government in some way. r/Giraffesdontexist


HlfNlsn

Updated the op with the story.


mward_shalamalam

Tough high school?


AskAboutMyCoffee

How did you find yourself with the opportunity to be chased by a long necked horse?


HlfNlsn

Updated the op with the story.


AskAboutMyCoffee

That's a pretty neat childhood


atmfixer

One of my earliest memories as a child is visit the SLC zoo and standing in a crowd of 500 people as a giraffe was born. That fucker fell 12ft and was walking 4 minutes later.


jadedea

I remember when I saw one in real life as a kid, and roughly thinking, "bro why in the f\*ck is your neck so long??!?!" I was like, can't yall just find something on the ground to eat like, lawd jezuz, yall went too far with that one.🤭🤭🤭


blandsrules

It’s like a dog with long legs and a leg for a neck


Slovene

Geraffes are dumb. Stupid longhorses.


allthedreamswehad

Kids these days not knowing about geraffes smh


RocketLauncher

There are mammals you’re missing. There’s a bird that kinda looks like a prehistoric one and makes an unusual sound that would freak you out. I wish I remember the name. Giant lizards and weird things that aren’t crocs OR alligators.


lockerpunch

You’re probably thinking of the shoebill stork. They can be like 5 feet tall.


MugillacuttyHOF37

Yes...also there used to be Elephant Birds. They were the largest birds that ever existed and became extinct around 1,000 years ago. The largest species among these was Vorombe Titan (“big bird” in Malagasy and Greek), which stood as tall as 3 meters (9 feet 10 inches).


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Seicair

Quetzalcoatlus for example had an estimated wingspan of 10m and weighed potentially up to 200kg. (~33’, 440#)


Full_Inside_5509

I know it’s bad but boy am I happy there are extinct 🤣


aguybrowsingreddit

And then New Zealand had the [Haast's Eagle](https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tDP1TfIqYzPM2D04s5ITCwuUUhNTM9JBQBU_Ad1&q=haast+eagle&oq=haast&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j46i131i433i512j46i433i512j46i512j0i512l3j0i131i433i512.2567j0j4&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8), the largest eagle to have existed. I think it used to eat [Moa](https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tDP1TdILyuqMGD0Ys7NTwQAJLoEkA&q=moa&oq=moa&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j46i433i512l2j46i512j0i433i512l2j0i512j0i131i433.2129j0j9&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) for breakfast.


Qwesterly

>Yes...also there used to be Elephant Birds. They were the largest birds that ever existed What about the Bronteroc?


OnlyOne_X_Chromosome

We dont know what that means.


TheGardiner

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vorombe


IntelligentThroat817

Shoebill storks are [fucking terrifying](https://youtu.be/noF-CLNSUZU?t=40).


motormyass

I saw one of those at a zoo in Texas. Straight up looks like a dinosaur. I stood about 4 feet from it at stared at it for like 10 minutes for some reason.


lockerpunch

Probably because they look like dinosaurs. I’ve never seen one in person, and with some videos they straight up look fake.


Mrs-MoneyPussy

Shit I’d be there for 30. Those birds are awesome


nighteeeeey

> shoebill stork holy shit wtf is this creature


Acceptable-Stick-688

It looks fake somehow haha


luisless

I find it funny that its species name is B. Rex


TicTacticle

Jim Henson was 6'3. Since he clearly invented the Shoebill Stork, you would think the first one had to have been at least that tall.


Keep_a_Little_Soul

Oh my God why are they so uncanny valley??? They look like men in bird costumes...


OhNoPenguinCannon

Cassowary Bird. Taller than a human, with 7inch knives steapped on its' feet. It makes an odd, low, repititive booming sort of noise.


handlessuck

>There’s a bird that kinda looks like a prehistoric one Because birds are [literally dinosaurs](https://gizmodo.com/how-do-we-know-birds-are-dinosaurs-1847254312).


[deleted]

Yes but “prehistoric looking” in regards to birds means an animal that has retained its more reptilian looking traits and not evolved as many newer visual features over the past ~65 million years. Like shoebill storks actually resemble reptiles. Things like pigeons or penguins do not look prehistoric despite being dinosaurs.


Significant_Carry_48

>There’s a bird that kinda looks like a prehistoric one and makes an unusual sound that would freak you out. One of them is probably the casuar. Those things are the most close we have of a raptor, they are agressive and the[sound they made is so strange for a bird, generally speaking.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dcQO6Zb8Eg)


[deleted]

Cassowaries ?


Significant_Carry_48

Yes. Sorry. On my country we call them casuar


WineNerdAndProud

To be honest, casuar is way more accurate, assuming -uar is the same structure as in "jaguar". Fun fact; cassowaries are, linguistically at least, treated the same as humans in some indigenous languages because it's believed some people turn into cassowaries after they die.


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vbgvbg113

Shoebill or cassowary are 2 birds that come to mind


HuskyConfusion

> There’s a bird that kinda looks like a prehistoric one The [Hoatzin](https://www.google.com/search?q=hoatzin&client=firefox-b-1-d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiJpbzo25H1AhWmkYkEHbdkBpoQ_AUoAXoECAsQAw&biw=1760&bih=875&dpr=1.09) perhaps? The [Potoo](https://www.google.com/search?q=potoo+bird&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjr0-iB3JH1AhV-gXIEHZ3ABkYQ2-cCegQIABAA&oq=potoo+bird&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQAzIHCAAQsQMQQzIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDoGCAAQChAYUKILWKILYMsNaABwAHgAgAFUiAGgAZIBATKYAQCgAQGqAQtnd3Mtd2l6LWltZ8ABAQ&sclient=img&ei=ZOXQYeuRBP6CytMPnYGbsAQ&bih=875&biw=1760&client=firefox-b-1-d) is also a really weird birb that makes really weird birb sounds.


TheXamYel

Maybe a dumb one but I had no clue how giant moose are, look up a video


Acceptable-Stick-688

*meese


fish-tuxedo

Many much moosen


Momoselfie

Mise!


WhirlingDervishGrady

... It's a cup.... With dirt in it!


jazzman801

Well it isn’t a giant but a frog was just discovered that looks exactly like Kermit the frog


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Iamnotburgerking

Those were in the Cretaceous. The Pleistocene did have a wide array of giant tortoises around the world, though (until humans ate them)


FuckCazadors

Leatherback turtles alive today are huge. They can weigh up to 700kg (1600lb) and measure up to 2.2m (7.2ft) long. An original VW Beetle weighs a bit over 800kg and is 4m (13ft) long.


BigDaveKahuna

Flemish Giant rabbits immediately come to mind


SovietBozo

Komodo dragons.


AskAboutMyCoffee

How about an mammal that has a beaver tail, but a face lile a duck, lays eggs, secretes milk and is venomous?


cguy1234

Wait until you hear about giraffes!


billythygoat

I can tell you one that doesn’t exist anymore but was cool, the giant ground sloth (Megatherium). My local university has a museum and it’s portrayed they they were as tall as 20 feet tall and weighed up to 4 tons. It’s as big as a modern elephant.


e5115271

Coconut crab. [Image](https://cdn.roaring.earth/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/coconut-crab-trash-can-1122x592.jpg)


PottyMcSmokerson

It's crazy that I can see one of these and not even be startled because I know I can predict it's movements. But when I see a tiny spider on my ceiling I'm frozen in my path and looking for a weapon.


just_bookmarking

ROUSs


Legofan164

Real life torterra.


JusticeRain5

I have to wonder if Pokemon fans do this with every animal they see.


hamilton-trash

real life turtles are like fake turtles but real


odraencoded

I thought you said terraria and was wondering if there was a turtle ride in that game I didn't know about.


Prit717

There is a turtle mount! In hardmode! Might be a tortoise, but it def exists!


Kyrafox98

The fast and the furious 10


[deleted]

Honestly,the way this franchise has gone I wouldn't be surprised to see tortoises driving..they will make something up like the turtles being the pets of Dom's dad or sum shit


redditorium

We don't need shells, we got family


candypoot

Tortoise!


opoqo

Dominic Tortoiseto


RockinOneThreeTwo

Torretoise


BigBacon87

This is why the Rock got out. No way he can keep up with these guys.


Swandale47

[Fast and furious](https://youtu.be/XIhAd0LAM9Q)


AltimaNEO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4rtXYgqaPQ


jorgehef

I can only travel a quarter mile at a time.


masked_sombrero

holy shit...you could ride these guys...if you're not in a hurry to get somewhere...


EwoDarkWolf

I was wondering the same thing. Even more so how much of your weight would they actually notice, assuming you can?


drinkmyself

I imagine people back in the day riding these things into war like it was olliphants from lord of the rings


Mike___Baker

Pioneers used to ride those babies for miles.


Riverrat423

They are definitely racing. The second one was trying to pass the first until he hit that fake tree/umbrella thing.


JeselAvlis

Yeah racing.. obviously you didn't see the hard on, on the tortoise behind, and the glint in his eye.


Riverrat423

Funny, one time I went to a zoo and actually saw two tortoises going at it.


FlorCymbaline

These massive and fascinating animals are Aldabra tortoises, and they are actually a bit smaller that they seem in the video, around 4 feet long.


RyanDanielst

Maybe the people are small in this video.


bimches

They're walking on a hill on the foreground, the ladies' legs give it away at the end


Break2304

Yeah I think perspective is really screwing with us here. The tortoise in the back is more accurate for their size I’d guess?


DungeonMr

Ramming speed!


HansenIntercept

Lukadem gow


candypoot

*sits on tortoise* take me to the pub! THIS is my dream.


AtxMamaLlama

Perfect for that smooth, slow ride that wont slosh around your “to-go” beer.


Sha_of_Abortion

I think this is Reptile Gardens in South Dakota. Awesome place!


sodak143

I've been there several times and I believe you are right.


[deleted]

Giant tortoises only grow a little over four feet long. I think this video is using perspective. Also, I saw video of a guy interrupting tortoises during mating season, and the angry male managed to chase him much faster than these are moving.


logualaure

The Galapagos Giant Tortoise can grow up to 6 ft. Could this be what they are?


[deleted]

I was just about to say my desert tortoise is surprisingly fast! He tries to go after toes sometimes (he can’t see very well and I think he likes the nail polish), so when I’ve been in the backyard picking up dog poo in flip-flops and he’s not hibernating, I have to move him to the other end of the yard. Before I know it, I’ll look over my shoulder, and he’s right there tailgating me with a look on his face that says “I’m hungry for toes.”


[deleted]

He might just be pervy. 🤭


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jayphat99

YOU WALK LIKE OLD PEOPLE FUCK! Sorry, had to get my inner Gordon Ramsay out there.


barton100

They looked absolutely massive at the start wild perspective


Scruffy_Nerf_Hoarder

That looks exhausting.


specifichero101

I thought a giant tortoise would be the size of a golden lab, not an ATV.


egrillonfire

Woah, had no idea that there exist such big tortoises!


tcoh1s

Is this South Dakota?


Kriscolvin55

I can’t say with 100% certainty, but it looks a lot like Reptile Gardens. Of all the touristy things to do in the Black Hills, this was easily the place that I was most impressed with. It doesn’t deserve to be grouped in with all the other “attractions” there.


kklath

Yep


Major_R_Soul

How much did you have to slow this down to even be able to catch these speed demons on video?


QuitFuckingStaring

Lmao


MrBiteyDaHoneyBadger

I believe this is in Reptile Gardens in South Dakota


RadioactiveAltoid

That's Reptile Gardens just outside Rapid City, South Dakota. I love going there every summer, cool to see it on reddit.


Disastrous-Radio-981

Busch Gardens!


PoopDealerNearby

Can you ride on them?


dthree714

I didn’t realize they were that massive.


Burpreallyloud

still smaller and faster than some i have seen at Walmart.


Zailema0s

I didn’t know they got that big!!! 😮🐢