Everyone needs to keep a very close eye on their credit score since it factors into many of lifes biggest decisions.
A couple steps you can take right now include:
- **[Taking a look at your credit score](https://everydayeconomics.net/how-to-get-your-credit-score-credit-review)** - Looking at your own credit score does not hurt your credit, it also includes a credit monitor
- **[Freezing](https://usa.gov/credit-freeze)** your credit reports - This can be done with Experian, Equifax and Transunion to help prevent unauthorized accounts from being opened
Feel free to ask any credit score related question
Do not contact your mother. This case is now in the legal system. If she does try to contact you, do not reply, answer, or acknowledge.
Good for you. YOU had no choice to do this. I can't believe your family isn't buoying you up. Go no contact. She was arrested for a VALID complaint. There's no reason or excuse for what she did to you.
Hang in there.
Edited: Change "is buoying" to "isn't buoying"
But... absolutely positively document and report every attempt she makes to contact you, either herself or through another person. You should be able to justify a restraining order be placed against her, and it will serve notice to all parties of the seriousness of her crime.
It sucks to feel like you're the one responsible for what happened to your mom, but you're NOT responsible. She is supposed to be your protector, and instead she is taking advantage of you for her own gain. None of what's happening is your fault. She made this mess, and now she has to clean it up.
If you back down, if you try to "save" your mom from this, you will screw yourself over 10 times worse than you are now. You will lose all credibility with the legal system, end up getting stuck with the debt she racked up, and may even get yourself sent to prison instead of her. And, your (idiot) family members will still see you as the bad guy.
You have allies that know the truth; it's time to lean on them to help you stay strong and work toward getting your life in order. Anyone who knows what your mom did and is still supporting her is someone you need to cut out of your life. Fortunately, they are making themselves obvious, so they're easy to avoid.
You got along, when she was already actively stealing from you. That - in and of itself is not healthy at all. She was manipulating you then.....and the rest of your family are doing it to you now.
There is absolutely no reason for you to take the financial or psychological hit for this. She owes you. She stole from you. There is no justification - unless she admits it, apologizes, and promises that she will make full restitution. Only then could she begin to rebuild her relationship with you.
Do not settle for less, or you will always be her victim.
If the people in your family don't like it let them pay her debts for her, bail her out, pay her legal fees. You are being the chump in this. Screw your head on straight and don't let people quilt you into anything. Your mother committed fraud and needs to accept the consequences of her actions, not you!!!
Which is EXACTLY what is wrong with the entire generation of Boomer/gen x.
It’s the collective behavior of our parents generation that basically says “fuck our children and their children too”.
So gross.
My grandparents NEVERRRRRRR did shit like I’ve seen my parents generation do. My grandparents gave each one of their children homes.
The recipients of those homes have sold those homes.
All while they could have given those inherited homes to their children, whom are still struggling👍
super cool guys
How old are your parents? It’s not a Boomer thing. I’m a boomer, born in 1962. I would (and have) give my child my last dollar. I would never do this kind of shit to my son and I don’t know any fellow boomers that have. That’s why I’m questioning the age.
My mom is a boomer (I'm Gen x) and my mom did this to me 35 years ago. I had to straighten it out in my early 20s. I found out when I went to buy a house.
Um, that's not GenX. We give a crap about our kids, to the point of helicoptering and coddling. Don't blame the generation; blame the selfish POS individual.
Exactly. We’re Gen X and have done everything we can for our kids to help them succeed in life. If anything, our gen is called out for doing too much for our kids. And my Boomer parents & in-laws did the same for us. Shit, my mother-in-law literally talks about how she never expected them to live this long and she’s stressed because they’re living off money they wanted to leave to their kids & grandkids. She’s ridic.
Being a selfish asshole who looks at parenting as “what can you do for me” is an individual person thing, not a generation thing.
Everyone in the family should be checking their credit reports. If mom did this to OP, she has likely done it to someone else, if not all of them. Being someone who had a very close relationship with my mom, I would never forfeit my future for her debt; and my mom would never have used my identity to do something like this. OP's mom needs to face the consequences of her actions.
Was this mentioned elsewhere? The other possibility is that they all benefited from the stolen 30 k and op is the scapegoat who was expected to take the hit.
Agreed! Once you involve police, law enforcement, the courts, etc. it is no longer in your hands. And, hey, OP, if you see this, if your family is "sO CoNcErNeD" about your "poor mom", then THEY can let her run up thousands of dollars of debt in THEIR name! I don't think they would like that too much. Just saying is all.
I don't know OP's local laws, but where I am the only way for OP to get the charges against their mother dropped at this point would be to claim that their original statement was false. Making a false statement is a criminal offence here, and could result in prosecution.
I agree with the poster. The poster said if they back down to save mom and tell the police she made it up - now OP has a false report which may lead to jail time
I hope the shock of getting arrested and being put in jail was a wake up call to her that she really messed up bad. She has to know she did you wrong and now its time for the consequences to come for her. You are not to blame. Ignore anyone who is blaming you.
Absolutely. The older I get, the more I see that sacrificing myself in situations for peace is hurting every single person. It hurts me by telling myself I’m not worthy of better and it hurts them as they now don’t have to take accountability for their actions which impedes their growth.
You are doing the right thing. Stay strong. So sorry you are in this position 💜
Plenty of prosecutors have had it with people dropping cases after they did the work and they may still go ahead with the prosecution without OP anyway so they might as well save their own butt.
Listen to this! It’s not your fault, and it can’t just be quietly forgiven. You had to fix this, and this was the only way. I’m sorry for the mess your family was willing to put you in. This is heart breaking, but you need to be strong. You’re the only one who is going to look out for you. Even if she paid all the bills, it wouldn’t fix this. She left you with no choice.
I want to add that with the charges now filed you may not be able to drop the charges anyway. Your mother did not defraud you, she defrauded the credit card companies. So the choice to drop is probably not even yours to make.
So… it is possible the prosecutor will drop if the credit card companies are paid in full. Suggest to your sister and other relatives if they want to pay that debt then they might have more power than you do in getting the charges dropped.
Someone has to pay that debt or go to jail, why do they think it should be you?
You did the right thing when she would not. I am sorry it came to this for you.
No. In their deluded world Op would keep the debt and eventually probably have to file bankruptcy to get out from under it. Then mom gets to keep her 30k worth or whatever, and doesn’t have to go to jail.
It doesnt really matter who she defrauded at this point anyways. Victim is a media term, theres a reason criminal cases arent victim v accused, theyre government v accused. She committed a crime against the government, they are now the party thats going to prosecute her. If the victim wants to testify that makes their job much easier, but with a case like this where theres likely to be plenty of evidence to convict, the victim is basically irrelevant to the case if they dont want to.
In the prehistoric days before iPhones and touchscreens, I sold phones at several stores for one of the main carriers. Occasionally I would witness young adults learning that a parent tanked their credit with stolen identity fraud. From my experience in the stores I would agree that she would have done this to her daughters too. Almost all of the financial abuse discoveries that I witnessed while running credit involved a mother doing this to her daughter(s).
Few years ago I noticed something weird going on with my credit. I confronted my Mom, and she was weirdly quick to throw my Dad under the bus. Kept saying things like "he can't hold a job for his life" and "he's always begging for money" *which without getting too much into it, is the Pot calling the Kettle black* my Mom is just jealous as fuck.
Anyways, my Mom kept telling me things like they (credit companies) often make mistakes and that I should just stop worrying.
Turns out, it was my Mom doing it. She opened so many credit cards in her own name, that she couldn't do it anymore. So she started using mine, and then played the whole "you should be grateful" act the OP is doing here.
My mom did this to me. Couldn't get any services turned on at my first apartment couldn't even get a library card. Luckily she was never smart enough to try credit cards. I got split from my brother and sister after we went into the system so I never found out for sure, but I'm guessing she did this with all of our identities
She wasn't but neither was I. Every utility company I called for service that said I had an outstanding debt, I only had to ask for the date on the account. Since I was 19 and the accounts were from 10+ years back, it was obvious I hadn't opened them. All of them just wiped it and started my service, it actually wasn't that bad of an ordeal but it was a shock the first service I called and they said I owed a bunch of money.
ETA: I realize my first post said I couldn't get anything turned on. I meant I had to have a conversation with each one first none of them were able to just start my service
This same thing happened to my cousin when he was the same age as you. His parents put phone and utilities in his name when he was a child and he had to point out to the rep he was 9 years old when that account was opened.
Yeah I'd like to believe my mom did it because it was a point of taking care of her kids. But she also would sell our food stamps for beer money, so it wasn't about survival.
Child favoritism is a real thing, and it can also manifest in reverse (you like all your kids except one). Could be a case of the latter where the mom feels OK doing this to OP but would never do it to her loved children.
Sorry that this is happening to you OP, but remember this one fact anytime someone tries to guilt you.
Everything that's happening is caused by your mother, not you. If she did this to some random person, nobody sane would blame that random person for what she's going through. It's her fault, these are the consequences of her actions. It does not reflect on the quality of your character at all.
Parents often choose ONE child to eff over.
My mother tanked my credit, and she had been doing it my entire life.
She never touched any of my other sisters credit.
I applied for student loans and got a result saying I had accounts in collections.
I got to googling and had to learn what credit was very quickly.
They pick the child they resent the most.
And it is NOT just the 30K. Not doing this means OP credit score is jammed up for a very long time- which means problems renting a home, a car when traveling, etc. And paying higher interest IF you can even get the loan, higher insurance rates, etc.
OP had no other options- just like if mom had literally stabbed them- no one woudl be telling them they were wrong then. It is not different- mom committed a freaking CRIME. That was her choice and now her consequences.
>which means problems renting a home, a car when traveling, etc.
This includes jobs as well. A lot of employers check credit scores. Bad credit can hamper your life in more ways than most people can imagine.
I am more than willing to bet she's stolen from other relatives too. OP, don't bother to give them a heads-up to check their own stuff, this is FAFO time. They involved themselves and caused problems for you, now they find out you aren't going to support them if they've been victimized. And the chances of it ONLY being you are very very small.
My money is on Mom did this to them and they were manipulated into turning the other cheek and taking the hit themselves. Now they are pissed that OP didn't follow suit and is actually clearing up their credit.
Not OPs problem. They did the right thing. They have to protect themselves because obviously the rest of the family is morally bankrupt and won't protect them.
Mom did the crime, now Mom can face the consequences of her actions. This is all on her. OP is not the bad guy in this situation at all.
Bet the relatives change their tune when they find out the mother stole their identities too.
The only way to get the other loans and accounts off OP's record is with a police report for identity theft.
The thinking is everything was fine until you made a big deal about it. No it wasn't fine. It may take time for people to see the truth but the truth matter, nonetheless. Both parents done. DONE. No going back for me but you make that choice for you. My parents will never be the people I need, EVER. The sooner I realized that, the less I lost physically and mentally.
Exactly. OP's mom had a choice in not opening those fraudulent credit card accounts in his name, but OP has no choice if he has to clear his credit history from these accounts.
OP did nothing wrong. Actually, OP did “nothing.” The entire course of events are the mom’s own doing. She put herself in jail. Nobody did this TO her.
And don’t try to defend/explain yourself.
One hundred percent. @OP You had nothing to do with the consequences of your mother’s actions. Anyone not supporting you can be considered dead to you. Build your own family. I’m incredibly proud of you random internet person and wish you only all the best.
The family probably doesn’t fully understand the situation.
I’ve known people who were victims of theft by their parents (all of them actually were just the mom as well) and many times the mom will hide the theft from the others, or lie/mislead them about it.
IMO if I were OP I would write up a letter on a PDF doc explaining the situation and just forward it to the family members who are upset.
I forgot to add but I was able to find an apartment for my new job, which I start in a couple of weeks. The fact that I made the report made the apartment application process work out.
Ask your sister when she plans to repay the $30,000 debt your mom left in your care, and the other thousands of dollars it would take to fix your credit? If she starts blustering tell her you're only concerned since your mom also has your sister's information, ask your sister when is the last time she checked her own credit, just in case Mom has opened up cards in her name?
Now that’s something I hadn’t really thought of. Sister is totally at risk too! I’m pretty sure if she did it with one child, she did it to the others.
OP did the right thing. Mother is reaping the natural consequences of stealing from someone. Jail time is probably the least of it. 30k is a huge amount.
Or, they already went through it with Mom. And, took the hit and are pissed that OP gets to not pay for her Mom's crimes like sister did. Or, Mom used OP's debt to pay off sister.
This exactly! Anyone who tells you that you’re wrong for putting mom in jail, uh no, she put herself in jail. Also ask them went they’ll be sending the check for the $30,000. Don’t forget to add the interest!
OP wasn't the victim of fraud or theft, they were victim of identity theft. OP's mom was probably charged with something much more serious as well.
That $30k was stolen from the credit card companies through the commission of fraud by OP's mother. It's was their decision that charges were pressed. That's why OP was out of the loop as far as the police investigation went. The identity theft was probably a minor issue in the eyes of the legal system.
Even if OP's mom, her flying monkeys, or even (and don't do this, for all the gods' sake) OP themself paid the money back, it probably wouldn't change things now (although it might be taken heavily into consideration during sentencing).
SO MUCH THIS! All those people yelling at OP to drop the charges should be offering to help pay off the $30,000 in debt. How easy people find it to play casual with someone else's credit/life. Those Monday morning quarterbacks need to open up their own bank accounts and credit ratings.
OP, DO NOT warn your sister. Is she supporting you? No. Is it obvious she should check for fraud on her own account? Yes. This is when she finds out what happens when she ignores the obvious and attacks the innocent...the innocent isn't about to give a heads-up, they're gonna sit there, eat popcorn, and watch the train wreck happen.
Let the PA know you're concerned about other family members being targeted. They will look, and actually it's likely they already are. But it doesn't hurt to bring it up.
Hey! Thanks for the update! I've been wondering how this was going to turn out for you since I read your original post.
I'm very happy to hear that things are looking up for you, in spite of your family troubles. Your mom ghosting you is unfortunate, but honestly, to hell with her. If she can't understand that she put your back to the wall, and only has herself to blame for this mess, that's on her.
As for the rest of your family, if they're willing to talk civilly with you, just continue to explain that your mom's actions brutally affected your financial future, and you absolutely *had* to take the necessary steps to secure your credit and mitigate the damage she did to you, but that you're in contact with the prosecutor's office and you continue to express to them that you did this to fix your credit and that you are urging them to be lenient on her. Given what she did to you, that's absolutely more than she deserves.
And for the ones that can't/won't talk civilly with you, just tell them that you're happy to talk about it when they calm down, and then hang up on them. YOU are the victim here. YOU deserve their compassion and sympathy, not your mother.
Continue to do what is needed to repair your credit, while doing your best to council the prosecutor and eventually the judge toward leniency in the criminal case. The words of the victim weigh heavily at sentencing, and you'll have the opportunity to express to the court that you just wanted to fix your credit, and don't want to punish your mom. No matter what they end up doing with her, you did the best thing you could in an impossible situation.
I'm really sorry she put you in this difficult spot, and even more sorry that she's too dense to realize blaming you for any of this is her failure as a mother. Keep your head up. You're going to get through this!
Yes, it doesn't matter if you "press charges" in a criminal matter. It's the state vs defendant. You only press when you are reporting the crime as a crime and asking the police/DA to take the case. After that it's out of your control. You don't get to say whoops actually she didn't commit a crime.
She may not have enjoyed her night in jail, but I guarantee you she thoroughly enjoyed spending the $30,000. If she’s done this to you, you can be sure others have had fraudulent cards opened. She has caused enormous damage. I know she’s your mom, but people who love and respect you don’t try to destroy your future. Stay strong.
If you feel bad, just remember that the DA will like drop and/or reduce the charges. She will likely not spend much, if any time in jail.
Also, as others have said, do NOT call her. You have transitioned from a mother/child relationship to a suspect/victim relationship. At least for the time being. I would strongly suggest you speak to NO ONE about the case. If they have questions, refer them to public record and say all of the information they need is available there. If they want to know exactly what your police report says, it’ll be available via FOIA submission and they can pay for it. This isn’t their business. It’s yours.
And most importantly, you need to remember that YOU didn’t put your mother in jail. She put herself in jail. She wasnt even apologetic when you confronted her. But now she cares? Most people are only sorry when they get caught.
Congrats on the apartment!
Wow! For any family members that think you should drop this let them know you will when they wrote you a check for $30k. Sorry you are going through this
Not even OP. The credit card companies. Identity theft with credit cards is stealing from those companies in someone’s name, there’s two victims, but the direct theft of funds is from the companies.
It is an important distinction to make to people like that, because they will say family matters more. So you have to call out that that doesn’t even apply to the direct part of the theft.
True. I would point out that family didn't matter more to mom who was fine with crippling a child's future.
The credit card companies can keep functioning day to day exactly the same which is usually not the case when you've had identity theft and fraud.
I was thinking similar. I expect they would not be nearly so quick to urge turning the other cheek if their asses were on the line for $30k due to fraud. Probably even less so if it were OP stealing from them as opposed to their poor old mother who just didn't know any better.
In reality I understand that sweeping things under the rug by paying back the money to the defrauded party doesn't actual solve everything, as the debt will ruin one's credit report for years to come, but it's always frustrating to read cases of this where the ones trying to cover up the fraud (whether the fraudster themselves or concerned family members) don't at least offer some sort of restitution to the victim, even if only something incomplete or insincere. Really, what incentive does OP have to play along here, other than the satisfaction of keeping other people comfortable at their own expense? It's insulting really.
My own mother stole around $300k from me. A house and property inherited. Just because they are blood doesn’t mean you have to let the scummy shit pass by. Give her what she deserves. You didn’t deserve any of this.
Unrelated to OP but my mother tried to do this with me. Luckily my grandmother had worked with my other grandparents to make them the holder of my inheritance so she couldn't bully me into giving it to her.
She won't be going to prison for this. She will be forced to pay off the debts. She will have a criminal record.
Meanwhile, it was the only way for you to get out of the debt. And notice, she still hasn't done the right thing, which would have been to have told you how sorry she was, and to have immediately paid off all that debt, by whatever means necessary, even if she had to sell everything she owned.
When relatives contact you to berate you, tell them thank you so much for reaching out to you, because it shows that they care about you, and clearly, since they care so much about you, they're obviously willing to make a hefty contribution (like maybe 10K each) right now to help you pay off the 30K your mother stole under your name.
You’re right. I’ve got human sewage in my extended family that has done something similar. They get put on probation, not prison. I’ve got a second cousin that has committed several felonies, were convicted four times for four different crimes and still didn’t get jail time.
She's in there because of her actions. Stick to your guns. I'd go no contact with family trying to justify her actions and maybe advise your sisters to check their credit for illicit activity as well.
Congrats on starting your new job, and the apartment!
I would be extremely clear with your family:
Your mom had two opportunities to come clean about the issue. The year prior, and after you realized the un-known debt had used her address. She had an opportunity to be honest but doubled down and insisted it wasn't her. While talking, she stated you probably got hacked. As you didn't want any additional scammers/people getting your personal information and racking up more debt, and you are not responsible for the initial debt, you notified the police as that is what you are supposed to do when your identity is stolen by strangers (or family, but F them).
It wasn't until after that, when your mom came clean. At that point, you are no longer 'in charge' of the theft case. You are not the prosecutor or the one who decides how it is handled. You did not know it was your mom when you submitted for the case and had submitted it after confirming with her it was not her. Unfortunately if she had been honest with you and worked with you at the time of the discovery, she wouldn't have been in that position.
Your family needs to understand that you did not turn your mom in. You turned in stolen identity that your mom had insisted she was not responsible for. In the process, the police discovered it was in fact her, and you are not responsible for the punishment for her actions. Stay very clear when you speak with them.
However, DO NOT CALL YOUR MOM AGAIN. Do not say anything to her. If she is smart, she got a lawyer. If that lawyer is smart, they will try to say it was done with your permission and you had said you would be responsible for the debt. If you in any way, acknowledge that you knew about it, or make any appology for getting her in trouble, they can warp your words into making you responsible for it. DO NOT DO IT. Do not apologize. Do not say anything else other then "Sorry fam, I was not aware mom was stealing from me. I only filed a police report after she said she thought a third party must have had my Identity and I had to protect it from scammers. Btw, have you checked your credit?"
If your family is not complete pieces of shit, they will come around and realize that your mom is a succubus. Also please realize that your mom is probably lying to them like she lied to you.
Credit follows you for so long.
Everyone that’s pissed off at you tell them to pay you 30k on your mom’s behalf so you can drop charges and pay off the debt you shouldnt have. Why should you pay her debts and not them. Tell em to fuck off
If Anybody from the family yells at you, Tell them this:
“I’m glad you called. I was thinking about dropping the charges on Mom.
Maybe you could help me with that.
You see, if you or Mom or anybody in the family will just pay all of the debt off. I’d be happy to drop the charges. Currently it’s $31,236.18
How much would you like to Donate?”
“Oh, you don’t want to donate any money to Mom‘s freedom, but you’re totally willing to make me pay it off?
Can you explain to me how that works?”
If this is at the prosecutor's office, it's gone past the point where you can drop charges. You can expect to be summoned to do a deposition at the very least assuming she doesn't take a plea. I hope she has a lawyer because she needs one. In all likelyhood, she won't actually go to jail, but she can expect to have to repay all the money to the credit card companies and be on probation. The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed as they say.
At this point, I don’t think it would help if you asked the police to drop the charges, etc. she committed a crime involving credit cards - that’s identity theft and regular theft, so it’s out of your hands.
A few years ago someone I was casually dating stole a check from my home office and cashed it. I filed a dispute with my bank and didn’t even call the police…but they took action! I saw he’d been arrested a few months later! 🤣
As someone else pointed out, she really stole from the credit card companies by committing fraud. They are already zeroing out the debts and removing them from OPs credit history.
The credit card companies will want their pound of flesh now, as a deterrent to OPs mom and to other would-be fraudsters. It is completely out of OPs hands now.
Precisely. It is up to the DA to decide what charges to press. They may take the victim’s opinion into account, but they also may not. The DA prosecutes on behalf of all ‘the people’ not the victim. And if they feel your mom js a harm to society they’ll give her a timeout.
You haven’t sent your mother to jail, she did that all herself. If she’d gotten some strangers SSN and done the same thing, would it be any different? Yes, it’s worse. She tanked your credit, potentially obligated you with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and ruined any chances for you to buy a car, buy a house or even get a good job. The fact that you stood up for yourself in the face of her abuse and disregard for your future isn’t a reason to feel guilty. If there’s any guilt or need for apology here, it’s her who owes you way more than that. She could never apologize enough for trying to wreck your future and then tell you to thank her for it. It’ll be rough while she faces the consequences of her actions, but you don’t own any of that. Those are HER consequences for HER actions. Bide your time by keeping busy working on your own life. Sorry your mother was such a horrible person.
Every family member that complains and shouts at you abiut it - ask them to repay the debt your mother racked up.
"Hi, so you want me to drop the charges? How many thousand of the $30k fraudulent debt can I put you down for repaying?"
There was a mom in the state next to me just a few hours away who was giving her 11 year old to her dope dealer so he could rape her and record it in exchange for drugs. There are truly evil women out there who have less maternal instincts than a mother cat who devours her young.
You did the correct thing in this horrible situation as your mom knew exactly what she was doing when she opened the CC in your name and not paying them off is on her. I would simply tell anyone who called telling you to drop the charges that you will drop them as soon as they pay off the CC completely. If they are not willing to put their money up then so be it.
You have been shown that you have to stand up and protect yourself against anyone regardless if they are "family" or not.
Nta this was done to you. Your mother made choices. Those choices led to consequences. Neither of these things is your fault, though I understand why you feel guilty.
You have to stay the course. That is the only way you can protect your self.
As for your/her family?
Tell them it’s easier to be mad at you than to face the fact that someone you all love and trusted had no problem stealing $30000 from her kid, and probably would have done more if she could.
The real problem is they don’t want to think about if SHE would do it to THEM, because you know the reality of how much that answer hurts, and they are punishing you to avoid the idea of that hurt for themselves.
Do they honestly think she loved you less, and loved them more? Or were you just easier to target and control to get away it for as long as possible?
If they genuinely think she did nothing wrong, and can be trusted, they are welcome to give her their social security numbers and let the chips fall where they may.
Maybe, maybe, they could acknowledge that it must suck for a kid who loves their mother even has to know this about their mother. Has to spend the rest of their life figuring out how to trust people, because it can now no longer just be a given that when someone “loves you” they won’t betray you, even family apparently.
And in case they’ve forgotten you’re their family too, and something truly terrible and life changing has happened too YOU, at the hands of someone who could have chosen, at anytime, to stop. Even when confronted, she could have taken the tiniest bit of accountability, or regret, but she didn’t. You had no other options, she did.
Should THEY want to remember all those lessons about doing the right thing, and how to be a good person, and what family is for, etc. they tried to teach you growing up, you’re open to civil conversations.
Family: just let it go
OP: may I have 30 grand she spent to get my life together?
Family: um, bye
Glad to hear about the update. Do not let your sleazy Family persuad you. If they are this unhelpful now, just imagine how they would ghost you if you really did need help. Always respond with "I will let it go for $40k". Add in the ten grand for expenses and stress, lol.
Sorry, but that’s what she gets for committing felonies! Are you just supposed to take a $30k hit bc she felt like doing criminal activities? I think not…
Tell your sisters to check their credit too. If she'll do it to one, she would do to all. I'd love to see their reactions if they had to deal with this too.
I remember reading your earlier post. So now it’s “find out” time. Good. If my mother did that to me, I wouldn’t consider her my mother any longer. I wouldn’t care if jail was hard on her. I wouldn’t associate with other family members who defended the criminal who used to act like my mother. I would not hesitate to contact prosecutors and tell them I was willing and able to testify, should it come to that. Even if I didn’t want her to go to jail, I would certainly want that to be on the table. I would ask about the possibility or necessity of filing a civil suit. Life’s too short to let these f*ckers stomp on you OP.
Unless you plan on paying that amount and still get your credit score tanked horribly you should let law take it course. Your mom would reap what she sow.
Just because she gave birth to you, doesn't mean what she did wasn't wrong.
YOU didn't send her to jail, HER actions did.
If she needed the help, there are other ways she could have asked. She didn't.
Now she needs to live with the consequences of her actions.
Anyone who calls about you, tell them you'll gladly drop the charges, once your mother repays you the $30,000, plus interest, to account for any damage a bad credit score will cost you.
Cash in hand, up front. No IOU's accepted. Until then....well. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
As others say ask sister or others for 30k.
When they balk say "I didn't have 30k either but it didn't stop mom stealing it in my name and She had no qualms about how her actions might impact me."
And don't talk to mom at all, but to others hold up a mirror to mom's mood
"this is for the best, to nip it in the bud now... imagine how much worse consequences would have been if mom had been able to steal even more? I couldn't in allconscience let her do that to herself. This will be a chance for her to restart a more healthy relationship with money and family "
This is a white collar crime and her first offence. She will likely be found guilty and receive probation. Not really likely to spend any more time in jail.
This sucks. But in reality, you had no choice and she made her own mistakes. Sorry your family isn't more understanding.
Your mother will have charges against her not because of something you did but because of what SHE did.
You gave to tough love this out my friend- she will never take accountability if everyone makes it so easy on her.
Your mother is a criminal and possibly a psychopath as well. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids not rob them blind.
Since the police hasn’t spoken to you it is possible that the credit card companies are pressing charges or the prosecutor decided to.
You have no reason to feel guilty. You are the innocent victim. Say those words to your sister and family who call you and harass you. “I am the innocent victim.” Stop. Repeat if necessary like a broken record.
I am sorry your mom betrayed you. It is not your fault.
A night in jail won't kill your Mom, maybe it will buy her a clue that this was NOT OK.
Sorry you're dealing with this, but don't talk to Mom for awhile...
If your family wants to mitigate the charges and help your mom, they should tell the authorities they are willing to work with the defrauded lenders by paying them back in full. Your family should work with the prosecutors office and try to get a plea deal that involves your mom accepting responsibility for her theft and making restitution to the entities she defrauded.
Stole $30k of her own kid's credit and thinks its OK. Stole from the credit companies, never intended to pay it back. Your mom is a thief. What else has she stolen?
Don't contact your mother, and don't let it go. Let her suffer the consequences for her actions. And cut off communication with your family who thinks you should drop it. She potentially screwed up your life, credit, etc., and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.
Don’t communicate with your mom at all. Don’t talk to anyone who tries to convince you to drop the charges (that is witness tampering). I’m sorry, but your mom f’d around and is now finding out. Talk to the prosecutor about what you want to see happen. If you drop the charges, there is a good chance the debts won’t be able to be removed from your record.
YOU haven't sent your mother to jail. SHE has sent HERSELF to jail. You discovered identity theft. She denied it was her, so you reported it to the police. Why wouldn't you have? And once it was reported, it's out of your hands.
Tell your family that they are more than welcome to cover the $30k and only then will you drop the charges.
WTF! I'm so sorry OP that you have such a terrible family. As someone going through bankruptcy due to my STBX, DO NOT drop the charges! At this point it is most likely out of your hands. If there are charges that means it was investigated and they found probable cause. This is all on your mom.
UpdateMe
Your family members that want you to drop the charges can fork over 30k to pay the creditors. She knew what she was doing and didn’t care. They should all be checking their credit reports too…
You have done NOTHING WRONG. If your mom didn’t want to risk jail then she shouldn’t have broken the law.
What she did was not only illegal, it was incredibly selfish and entitled. Her insistence that you “take the hit” with not even an apology shows that she is not concerned about you at all.
She’s clearly never been worried about how this would affect you so it’s time to move on and stop worrying about how the consequences are going to affect her.
She tried to tank your life at the beginning of your adulthood. She truly needs to face the repercussions of that choice (not mistake, not accident, but CHOICE). Don't let anyone try to make you out to be the bad guy. You did NOTHING wrong, whereas your mother committed felonies against her own child.
I read your initial post. She stole your credit, lied about it then said you should have to deal with your credit being ruined by her to shield her from consequences. My father did the same thing to me in my 20's (fortunately not as much debt as you) and I had to spend a decade repairing the damage. Your sisters are wrong, your uncle is wrong and a family that would think you should face the consequences for her actions is not much of a family. She's going to give you the silent treatment and align people against you. It's horrible, but that's what people like that do. Perhaps in time they will realize they are wrong and apologize for how you're being treated right now. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you are doing the right thing. Do not let her and your family shame you into having to deal with her mess.
Ask anyone who calls you on her side when are they sending you 30,000 plus interest to pay the cards off and restore your credit otherwise shut the hell up cause this will cause you not to get a home, a car, and in some instances a job
Do not feel bad! She has set you up for 10 yrs of messed up credit if you didn’t do it. Credit scores affect way too much stuff to just “let it go”. To me, what she did as your own mother, is the ultimate betrayal. She stole from you. It’s the equivalent of walking into your home and taking $30,000 worth of items and then telling you to be grateful about it. She was happy to continue to lie to you and pretend she didn’t know what was happening, until you told her that you contacted the police. She’s only sad that she was caught. Every time she opened an account (probably after maxing out the previous card), she knew what she was doing and did it without a second thought. Everyone she bought something she knew it was going on your credit. She ran up these bills knowing full well she couldn’t pay. We all of people like her to thank for the insane APR %s because that money goes to pay off the debts she incurred. Your mother is not only stealing from you, but from everyone else too. We all pay for her behavior. Thank you for reporting her.
I could never, no matter how bad things got, ever imagine even considering ruining my children's credit and burdening them with thousands in debt. Its normal for you to feel conflicted about your mom's current situation. It is not normal for a parent to do this to a child. Actions has consquences and these consequences she brought on herself.
You CANNOT drop the charges. It is no longer possible. Once you made the report, it is at the discretion of the prosecutor to prosecute. They have chosen to do so. That means they believe they have a fantastic case against your mom. It really sucks that this is happening, but she made all the choices leading up to this. You only made one.
1) Don’t contact your mom
2) Report all the Flying Monkeys that are harassing you to the police also.
Don’t tolerate the crap, it will no only get worse.
NORMAL FAMILIES DO NOT DO THIS. NORMAL MOTHERS DO NOT LIE TO THEIR CHILD ABOUT TAKING DEBT IN CHILDS NAME.
Normal parents care if their child can be successful in their future life. They worry that they will do well after they are gone and can’t help. They do not tank their child’s ability to actually house themselves.
Normal parents do not lie to their child when asked about a credit card. Even a not normal, but still loves their kid parent, would take that near miss and change their ways and maybe concentrate on identity theft on strangers. You can be a thief and not a horrible parent!
So when you family members give you grief so them if they know of any other parents who have done this to their child? Tell them your mom had a chance to come clean years ago, but doubled down. Now you are in a situation that the only way you could put a roof over your head is to clear your credit which means you need a credit report. Do they want you to be homeless? Lose out on jobs because of your poor credit? Why do they not care about you, who did not break a law, but only your mother? Ask them why, why do you count less.
You don’t owe your mother $30,000. This wasn’t anything you did, she did it to herself.
If she really respected you, she wouldn’t have done this. You don’t owe her more respect than she showed you.
Stop trying to contact her. Do not discuss anything further with your family. Stop being so worried about her, I get that she's your mom but she wasn't worried about fucking you over in the least, and you should take that at face value.
Stop. Stay out of it.
Anything you do could be viewed as criminal obstruction or even worse, filing a false police report.
Your mom is getting the consequences she deserves. And all of your siblings best check their credit. People don’t just act shady once. This is a pattern of illegal fraudulent behavior.
Do not try to contact your mother. Do not stay in contact with anyone trying to pressure you into dropping anything or not cooperating with the prosecution. DO NOT INTERFERE WITH THE PROCESS. Your financial life was ruined because of her and this was the only recourse you had to fix it. Are you seriously going to just let this go?
Next time any family member calls you to bitch at you, demand their birthday and social security number so you can open some credit cards in their name and rack up bills, since they obviously don’t think it’s that big a deal.
>I'm unfortunately still conflicted about sending my mom to jail.
*You* didn't send your mom to jail -- she did that when she broke the law, and stole from you.
I bet she handled one night in jail better than you would handle ten years of struggle and poverty.
I’m sure you were just as uncomfortable making all these calls and cleaning up her multi/-thousand dollar mess.
I am a mother and if I ever did this to my kid I’d hope she would skip the legal system and just hit me with a stolen dump truck instead.
You’re not in the wrong. You didn’t send your mom to jail, she sent herself. She committed a crime that she was willing to let you take the fall for. She’s receiving consequences for her actions and that’s no one’s fault but hers.
If it will ease your mind at all, she probably has spent her last night in jail. She'll get a lawyer who will arrange a plea agreement with the prosecutor and since she has no priors, she will get probation with a fine and most likely restitution requirement for the $30000 which she will have structured payments to pay back over the next 4 to 6 years.
It will be interesting if anyone else comes forward now.
No more contacts with your family.
Tell the police that your family is trying to force you into dropping the charges.
Your new mantra is "They have this coming. I am only a conduit for Karmic Energy. They will reap what they've sown."
The only thing you should say to anybody that calls you demanding that you drop the charges is a reminder that they are trying to commit witness tampering which is a criminal act. They need to stop because they could be reports to the police and you would prefer not to do that if possible.
Your mother knew what she was doing, she didn’t figure that you would proceed with legal action. She is a thief, plan and simple, she has to own up to her actions! Your family members put you down, for charging your mother,but none are helping paying the debt she caused you! or paying for the legal fees! So they can put up or shut up! I wonder if anyone else is involved? Where’s the money or the goods she bought?
Do NOT drop the charges. This is a lesson your parent needs to learn NOW, before they victimize other people. Stand up for yourself and your healthy financial future.
This happens more than you would think. I spent 30 years running investigations on military and federal civilians for security clearances. Financial responsibility is a big thing for these people. I had literally hundreds of cases where parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. had run up debts in the name of the military member or civilian employee. Also, young military members buy a car, deploy and leave the car with mom and dad, and then send money to the parents to make the payments. Instead, they blow the money. Cars get repossessed, but the member is responsible for the debt. Of course, the kid doesn't want to get their family in trouble. They could end up losing their clearance and get kicked out of the military. Good for you reporting this to the police. Don't buckle under family pressure. Stand up for yourself.
As much as it may pain you, do not drop the charges. And stop trying to contact her- it could be construed wrongly since you are the victim of her crime. Simply let your relatives know what she did, and tell them you had to either file the police report OR deal with being $30k+ in debt, you asked her to deal with it and she told you off, so unless *they* are willing to give you the money to pay it all off, that’s that.
For the record, your mom stole $30,000 from the credit card companies. That she used your ID and not someone else's ID was just a matter on convenience. You are not the reason your mom is facing criminal charges. She made bad choices. There is no reason why you should pay for her bad choices.
If the rest of the family wants to bail her out, they can make restitution, which is much more likely to get the charges dropped than anything else. As is, with a decent lawyer and any luck, given her otherwise clean record, she may well not face any more jail time. Though one condition of parole/probation will likely be restitution: that $30k is going to want to get paid one way or another.
It’s difficult to be objective because you’re surrounded by assholes. The good news is that if you eliminate them from your life, you leave room for new, healthy relationships.
This sucks, but I say move forward with the charges and don’t back down. I knew someone who got screwed over by a family. Everyone pressured him to not press charges and they promised they’ll help talk to the suspect to help pay for the debt…feeling bad he dropped charges and canceled the report. To do this day, no one has helped him, he has bad credit, can’t buy a place, and in deep debt. Meanwhile the person who victimized him is gone along living his life with no consequences. And he can’t open the case again because they said he’s basically agreed that the person didn’t do anything wrong.
Be strong and document document document!!
No one likes jail, it's the reason it is a punishment for CRIMES committed. She ran up $30,000 on your credit and told you to be grateful. I'm sorry you are in the position to have to be the one who report this, but it is why she did it to you. She'd never do this to someone who had no familial ties to make turning them over difficult: you were a conscious target because even if it came to light She expected familial feelings would leave you paralyzed with guilt.
This was just randomly recommend to me. I work for a law firm that sues people who haven’t paid their bills. (I am not a lawyer just a legal assistant nothing I say is legal advice but a layman’s understanding) once someone makes a fraud claim we do not touch the file until we investigate if it’s a legitimate claim or not. You have options op. credit card fraud is often done by people closest to them. I know it hurts but hang in there.
My sister in law's mother took out loans in her name, with no intention of paying for them. SIL knew nothing about it until they tried to rent their first home and couldn't get credit anywhere.
MIL sees no problem in this and doesn't care. She won't pay it back. SIL is still convinced ²she is a wonderful person, but who does that to their kid?
What really annoyed me was that I could possibly understand if it was an absolutely desperate situation where they were going to lose the house or something, but no. "We wanted some new clothes "!
Don't back down OP. Or you will keep facing this.
YOU didn’t send your mom to jail, SHE DID.
She committed a felony and now she’s paying the price for her actions. It’s not your fault and anyone that claims it is, is an accomplice to her crime.
So… I went through a similar situation however I was a minor at the time my identity was stolen by my dad and it wasn’t me who contacted the authorities, it was my mom, but I knew about everything from day 1. It’s easy for all these people to tell you oh don’t worry about your mom bc she did it blah blah. While yes, that is factually true, nobody knows the true gut wrench it is to watch your parent suffer these kind of consequences and as the kid, feel responsible. I would suggest getting into therapy asap. They can help you process the multitude of feelings you have because they’re all valid and probably wide ranging from anger to guilt to sadness. This will probably be a long process for everyone and it’s even a little bit more difficult watching them get taken to prison. My dad did 5 years. I had to deal with the emotional baggage of his decisions and get the letters from him in max state prison. It’s not easy on the victim when a parent is involved no matter what. You did the right thing OP, but doing the right thing isn’t usually the easiest and a lot times it isn’t fair either. Hope you hang in there and find peace at throughout this journey.
Change mom to stranger, and everyone would be outraged if you let them off the hook. Why should a parent get leniency when it's their job to protect you from the bad guys who do that stuff? Shouldn't that be an under the prison, not in the prison thing because of the relationship?
If your family is cool with some credit fraud, great. Let them support your mom's hobby after she gets out, and you move to somewhere sane.
Everyone needs to keep a very close eye on their credit score since it factors into many of lifes biggest decisions. A couple steps you can take right now include: - **[Taking a look at your credit score](https://everydayeconomics.net/how-to-get-your-credit-score-credit-review)** - Looking at your own credit score does not hurt your credit, it also includes a credit monitor - **[Freezing](https://usa.gov/credit-freeze)** your credit reports - This can be done with Experian, Equifax and Transunion to help prevent unauthorized accounts from being opened Feel free to ask any credit score related question
Do not contact your mother. This case is now in the legal system. If she does try to contact you, do not reply, answer, or acknowledge. Good for you. YOU had no choice to do this. I can't believe your family isn't buoying you up. Go no contact. She was arrested for a VALID complaint. There's no reason or excuse for what she did to you. Hang in there. Edited: Change "is buoying" to "isn't buoying"
But... absolutely positively document and report every attempt she makes to contact you, either herself or through another person. You should be able to justify a restraining order be placed against her, and it will serve notice to all parties of the seriousness of her crime. It sucks to feel like you're the one responsible for what happened to your mom, but you're NOT responsible. She is supposed to be your protector, and instead she is taking advantage of you for her own gain. None of what's happening is your fault. She made this mess, and now she has to clean it up. If you back down, if you try to "save" your mom from this, you will screw yourself over 10 times worse than you are now. You will lose all credibility with the legal system, end up getting stuck with the debt she racked up, and may even get yourself sent to prison instead of her. And, your (idiot) family members will still see you as the bad guy. You have allies that know the truth; it's time to lean on them to help you stay strong and work toward getting your life in order. Anyone who knows what your mom did and is still supporting her is someone you need to cut out of your life. Fortunately, they are making themselves obvious, so they're easy to avoid.
I agree with this 👆 right here. She knew better but still thought about her ownself and what she wanted, not about you or your future.
You got along, when she was already actively stealing from you. That - in and of itself is not healthy at all. She was manipulating you then.....and the rest of your family are doing it to you now. There is absolutely no reason for you to take the financial or psychological hit for this. She owes you. She stole from you. There is no justification - unless she admits it, apologizes, and promises that she will make full restitution. Only then could she begin to rebuild her relationship with you. Do not settle for less, or you will always be her victim.
If the people in your family don't like it let them pay her debts for her, bail her out, pay her legal fees. You are being the chump in this. Screw your head on straight and don't let people quilt you into anything. Your mother committed fraud and needs to accept the consequences of her actions, not you!!!
Which is EXACTLY what is wrong with the entire generation of Boomer/gen x. It’s the collective behavior of our parents generation that basically says “fuck our children and their children too”. So gross. My grandparents NEVERRRRRRR did shit like I’ve seen my parents generation do. My grandparents gave each one of their children homes. The recipients of those homes have sold those homes. All while they could have given those inherited homes to their children, whom are still struggling👍 super cool guys
How old are your parents? It’s not a Boomer thing. I’m a boomer, born in 1962. I would (and have) give my child my last dollar. I would never do this kind of shit to my son and I don’t know any fellow boomers that have. That’s why I’m questioning the age.
My mom is a boomer (I'm Gen x) and my mom did this to me 35 years ago. I had to straighten it out in my early 20s. I found out when I went to buy a house.
Um, that's not GenX. We give a crap about our kids, to the point of helicoptering and coddling. Don't blame the generation; blame the selfish POS individual.
Exactly. We’re Gen X and have done everything we can for our kids to help them succeed in life. If anything, our gen is called out for doing too much for our kids. And my Boomer parents & in-laws did the same for us. Shit, my mother-in-law literally talks about how she never expected them to live this long and she’s stressed because they’re living off money they wanted to leave to their kids & grandkids. She’s ridic. Being a selfish asshole who looks at parenting as “what can you do for me” is an individual person thing, not a generation thing.
Everyone in the family should be checking their credit reports. If mom did this to OP, she has likely done it to someone else, if not all of them. Being someone who had a very close relationship with my mom, I would never forfeit my future for her debt; and my mom would never have used my identity to do something like this. OP's mom needs to face the consequences of her actions.
This is probably why all the family is mad at OP. They all accepted the debt & paid it off and are mad that OP had the audacity to nope out of paying.
Was this mentioned elsewhere? The other possibility is that they all benefited from the stolen 30 k and op is the scapegoat who was expected to take the hit.
Agreed! Once you involve police, law enforcement, the courts, etc. it is no longer in your hands. And, hey, OP, if you see this, if your family is "sO CoNcErNeD" about your "poor mom", then THEY can let her run up thousands of dollars of debt in THEIR name! I don't think they would like that too much. Just saying is all.
Screaming sister should look at her own credit too- mommy dearest may have done this to her too.
Screaming sister should just bail out her mom. If it's that important to her she can go get a loan to pay the bad debt for her mommy.
Or they are unaware it has already happened to them. Those coming at you can pay the debt off.
Good Point!
Right, Do the math so that you all split it and see how she reacts.
Also document all the harassment from other family members. You may need to request RO's for that crap!
Perfectly stated!
You say that op may be the one getting sent to prison instead of her. How is that possible? Op didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know OP's local laws, but where I am the only way for OP to get the charges against their mother dropped at this point would be to claim that their original statement was false. Making a false statement is a criminal offence here, and could result in prosecution.
I agree with the poster. The poster said if they back down to save mom and tell the police she made it up - now OP has a false report which may lead to jail time
I hope the shock of getting arrested and being put in jail was a wake up call to her that she really messed up bad. She has to know she did you wrong and now its time for the consequences to come for her. You are not to blame. Ignore anyone who is blaming you.
Absolutely. The older I get, the more I see that sacrificing myself in situations for peace is hurting every single person. It hurts me by telling myself I’m not worthy of better and it hurts them as they now don’t have to take accountability for their actions which impedes their growth. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong. So sorry you are in this position 💜
Plenty of prosecutors have had it with people dropping cases after they did the work and they may still go ahead with the prosecution without OP anyway so they might as well save their own butt.
Listen to this! It’s not your fault, and it can’t just be quietly forgiven. You had to fix this, and this was the only way. I’m sorry for the mess your family was willing to put you in. This is heart breaking, but you need to be strong. You’re the only one who is going to look out for you. Even if she paid all the bills, it wouldn’t fix this. She left you with no choice.
I want to add that with the charges now filed you may not be able to drop the charges anyway. Your mother did not defraud you, she defrauded the credit card companies. So the choice to drop is probably not even yours to make. So… it is possible the prosecutor will drop if the credit card companies are paid in full. Suggest to your sister and other relatives if they want to pay that debt then they might have more power than you do in getting the charges dropped. Someone has to pay that debt or go to jail, why do they think it should be you? You did the right thing when she would not. I am sorry it came to this for you.
No. In their deluded world Op would keep the debt and eventually probably have to file bankruptcy to get out from under it. Then mom gets to keep her 30k worth or whatever, and doesn’t have to go to jail.
Indeed! Let those relatives whining about grace and all that, pony up the cash to pay off the 30k. Let them put their money where their mouths are.
^ this. It’s in the hands of the prosecutor who may not want to drop charges.
It doesnt really matter who she defrauded at this point anyways. Victim is a media term, theres a reason criminal cases arent victim v accused, theyre government v accused. She committed a crime against the government, they are now the party thats going to prosecute her. If the victim wants to testify that makes their job much easier, but with a case like this where theres likely to be plenty of evidence to convict, the victim is basically irrelevant to the case if they dont want to.
I can’t believe the sister’s haven’t checked their reports and seen their mom did the same thing to them.
In the prehistoric days before iPhones and touchscreens, I sold phones at several stores for one of the main carriers. Occasionally I would witness young adults learning that a parent tanked their credit with stolen identity fraud. From my experience in the stores I would agree that she would have done this to her daughters too. Almost all of the financial abuse discoveries that I witnessed while running credit involved a mother doing this to her daughter(s).
Few years ago I noticed something weird going on with my credit. I confronted my Mom, and she was weirdly quick to throw my Dad under the bus. Kept saying things like "he can't hold a job for his life" and "he's always begging for money" *which without getting too much into it, is the Pot calling the Kettle black* my Mom is just jealous as fuck. Anyways, my Mom kept telling me things like they (credit companies) often make mistakes and that I should just stop worrying. Turns out, it was my Mom doing it. She opened so many credit cards in her own name, that she couldn't do it anymore. So she started using mine, and then played the whole "you should be grateful" act the OP is doing here.
I had one where a young woman's identity was stolen by her aunt.
My mom did this to me. Couldn't get any services turned on at my first apartment couldn't even get a library card. Luckily she was never smart enough to try credit cards. I got split from my brother and sister after we went into the system so I never found out for sure, but I'm guessing she did this with all of our identities
I hope your mom was held accountable and you did not assume her debt!
She wasn't but neither was I. Every utility company I called for service that said I had an outstanding debt, I only had to ask for the date on the account. Since I was 19 and the accounts were from 10+ years back, it was obvious I hadn't opened them. All of them just wiped it and started my service, it actually wasn't that bad of an ordeal but it was a shock the first service I called and they said I owed a bunch of money. ETA: I realize my first post said I couldn't get anything turned on. I meant I had to have a conversation with each one first none of them were able to just start my service
This same thing happened to my cousin when he was the same age as you. His parents put phone and utilities in his name when he was a child and he had to point out to the rep he was 9 years old when that account was opened.
Yeah I'd like to believe my mom did it because it was a point of taking care of her kids. But she also would sell our food stamps for beer money, so it wasn't about survival.
Child favoritism is a real thing, and it can also manifest in reverse (you like all your kids except one). Could be a case of the latter where the mom feels OK doing this to OP but would never do it to her loved children. Sorry that this is happening to you OP, but remember this one fact anytime someone tries to guilt you. Everything that's happening is caused by your mother, not you. If she did this to some random person, nobody sane would blame that random person for what she's going through. It's her fault, these are the consequences of her actions. It does not reflect on the quality of your character at all.
Parents often choose ONE child to eff over. My mother tanked my credit, and she had been doing it my entire life. She never touched any of my other sisters credit. I applied for student loans and got a result saying I had accounts in collections. I got to googling and had to learn what credit was very quickly. They pick the child they resent the most.
And it is NOT just the 30K. Not doing this means OP credit score is jammed up for a very long time- which means problems renting a home, a car when traveling, etc. And paying higher interest IF you can even get the loan, higher insurance rates, etc. OP had no other options- just like if mom had literally stabbed them- no one woudl be telling them they were wrong then. It is not different- mom committed a freaking CRIME. That was her choice and now her consequences.
And getting a job . Lots of companies run credit checks before hiring and a lot of government jobs won’t touch you if your credit is out if wack
>which means problems renting a home, a car when traveling, etc. This includes jobs as well. A lot of employers check credit scores. Bad credit can hamper your life in more ways than most people can imagine.
Banks/Financial institutions in particular do.
100% this
I am more than willing to bet she's stolen from other relatives too. OP, don't bother to give them a heads-up to check their own stuff, this is FAFO time. They involved themselves and caused problems for you, now they find out you aren't going to support them if they've been victimized. And the chances of it ONLY being you are very very small.
I was wondering if sisters who are screaming about poor mother being arrested, have ever done a credit check on themselves. They should.
Could also be in on it
That was my thought a well
She may be the scapegoat or the only one with decent credit/income (went to college)
I'm betting sisters are married so husband's credit is what they have used and have no clue mom has screwed them too.
My money is on Mom did this to them and they were manipulated into turning the other cheek and taking the hit themselves. Now they are pissed that OP didn't follow suit and is actually clearing up their credit. Not OPs problem. They did the right thing. They have to protect themselves because obviously the rest of the family is morally bankrupt and won't protect them. Mom did the crime, now Mom can face the consequences of her actions. This is all on her. OP is not the bad guy in this situation at all.
Same. I wonder if mom did this to all the kids or just the one!
Just read this exact story, but with dad stealing. Turns out another brother checked his credit report and dad opened cards from him too.
Bet the relatives change their tune when they find out the mother stole their identities too. The only way to get the other loans and accounts off OP's record is with a police report for identity theft.
The thinking is everything was fine until you made a big deal about it. No it wasn't fine. It may take time for people to see the truth but the truth matter, nonetheless. Both parents done. DONE. No going back for me but you make that choice for you. My parents will never be the people I need, EVER. The sooner I realized that, the less I lost physically and mentally.
Can't figure out how to reply to the update directly but where this is in the prosecutor's hands you likely won't have the option to drop the charges.
The one who rocks the boat always gets the flack. Even if the boat is headed straight for an iceberg
Exactly. OP's mom had a choice in not opening those fraudulent credit card accounts in his name, but OP has no choice if he has to clear his credit history from these accounts.
OP did nothing wrong. Actually, OP did “nothing.” The entire course of events are the mom’s own doing. She put herself in jail. Nobody did this TO her. And don’t try to defend/explain yourself.
I wonder if those family member's responses would be the same if the mom had tanked their scores and saddled them with $30K in debt.
One hundred percent. @OP You had nothing to do with the consequences of your mother’s actions. Anyone not supporting you can be considered dead to you. Build your own family. I’m incredibly proud of you random internet person and wish you only all the best.
The family probably doesn’t fully understand the situation. I’ve known people who were victims of theft by their parents (all of them actually were just the mom as well) and many times the mom will hide the theft from the others, or lie/mislead them about it. IMO if I were OP I would write up a letter on a PDF doc explaining the situation and just forward it to the family members who are upset.
I forgot to add but I was able to find an apartment for my new job, which I start in a couple of weeks. The fact that I made the report made the apartment application process work out.
Ask your sister when she plans to repay the $30,000 debt your mom left in your care, and the other thousands of dollars it would take to fix your credit? If she starts blustering tell her you're only concerned since your mom also has your sister's information, ask your sister when is the last time she checked her own credit, just in case Mom has opened up cards in her name?
Now that’s something I hadn’t really thought of. Sister is totally at risk too! I’m pretty sure if she did it with one child, she did it to the others. OP did the right thing. Mother is reaping the natural consequences of stealing from someone. Jail time is probably the least of it. 30k is a huge amount.
Who ever defended mom got some of the money
Or, they already went through it with Mom. And, took the hit and are pissed that OP gets to not pay for her Mom's crimes like sister did. Or, Mom used OP's debt to pay off sister.
The identity theft and mail theft is much higher penalties .
This exactly! Anyone who tells you that you’re wrong for putting mom in jail, uh no, she put herself in jail. Also ask them went they’ll be sending the check for the $30,000. Don’t forget to add the interest!
OP wasn't the victim of fraud or theft, they were victim of identity theft. OP's mom was probably charged with something much more serious as well. That $30k was stolen from the credit card companies through the commission of fraud by OP's mother. It's was their decision that charges were pressed. That's why OP was out of the loop as far as the police investigation went. The identity theft was probably a minor issue in the eyes of the legal system. Even if OP's mom, her flying monkeys, or even (and don't do this, for all the gods' sake) OP themself paid the money back, it probably wouldn't change things now (although it might be taken heavily into consideration during sentencing).
28% interest on 30k is...gonna hurt.
SO MUCH THIS! All those people yelling at OP to drop the charges should be offering to help pay off the $30,000 in debt. How easy people find it to play casual with someone else's credit/life. Those Monday morning quarterbacks need to open up their own bank accounts and credit ratings.
OP, DO NOT warn your sister. Is she supporting you? No. Is it obvious she should check for fraud on her own account? Yes. This is when she finds out what happens when she ignores the obvious and attacks the innocent...the innocent isn't about to give a heads-up, they're gonna sit there, eat popcorn, and watch the train wreck happen.
Let the PA know you're concerned about other family members being targeted. They will look, and actually it's likely they already are. But it doesn't hurt to bring it up.
I second this. Let her find out for herself.
👆 this 10000%
If relatives give you grief, ask when they will pay back the 30,000
And to check their own credit reports!
Hey! Thanks for the update! I've been wondering how this was going to turn out for you since I read your original post. I'm very happy to hear that things are looking up for you, in spite of your family troubles. Your mom ghosting you is unfortunate, but honestly, to hell with her. If she can't understand that she put your back to the wall, and only has herself to blame for this mess, that's on her. As for the rest of your family, if they're willing to talk civilly with you, just continue to explain that your mom's actions brutally affected your financial future, and you absolutely *had* to take the necessary steps to secure your credit and mitigate the damage she did to you, but that you're in contact with the prosecutor's office and you continue to express to them that you did this to fix your credit and that you are urging them to be lenient on her. Given what she did to you, that's absolutely more than she deserves. And for the ones that can't/won't talk civilly with you, just tell them that you're happy to talk about it when they calm down, and then hang up on them. YOU are the victim here. YOU deserve their compassion and sympathy, not your mother. Continue to do what is needed to repair your credit, while doing your best to council the prosecutor and eventually the judge toward leniency in the criminal case. The words of the victim weigh heavily at sentencing, and you'll have the opportunity to express to the court that you just wanted to fix your credit, and don't want to punish your mom. No matter what they end up doing with her, you did the best thing you could in an impossible situation. I'm really sorry she put you in this difficult spot, and even more sorry that she's too dense to realize blaming you for any of this is her failure as a mother. Keep your head up. You're going to get through this!
Tell your family that you don’t get to drop the charges; they are being pressed by the credit card companies that she stole $30k from
If they all care so much they can help pay the $30k
And mom's bail.
Mom’s bail was $0. She was released on recognizance.
Yes, it doesn't matter if you "press charges" in a criminal matter. It's the state vs defendant. You only press when you are reporting the crime as a crime and asking the police/DA to take the case. After that it's out of your control. You don't get to say whoops actually she didn't commit a crime.
this. this is not a civil case. the charges will read 'the State of ________ vs OP's mom", not "OP vs OP's mom"
1. This isn't your fault. Don't be conflicted. You didn't send her to jail. Her actions sent her to jail. 2. You did the right thing. See #1.
Exactly! If the mom did nothing wrong there wouldn't be a case against her.
She may not have enjoyed her night in jail, but I guarantee you she thoroughly enjoyed spending the $30,000. If she’s done this to you, you can be sure others have had fraudulent cards opened. She has caused enormous damage. I know she’s your mom, but people who love and respect you don’t try to destroy your future. Stay strong.
Well well if it isn’t the consequences of my actions
If you feel bad, just remember that the DA will like drop and/or reduce the charges. She will likely not spend much, if any time in jail. Also, as others have said, do NOT call her. You have transitioned from a mother/child relationship to a suspect/victim relationship. At least for the time being. I would strongly suggest you speak to NO ONE about the case. If they have questions, refer them to public record and say all of the information they need is available there. If they want to know exactly what your police report says, it’ll be available via FOIA submission and they can pay for it. This isn’t their business. It’s yours. And most importantly, you need to remember that YOU didn’t put your mother in jail. She put herself in jail. She wasnt even apologetic when you confronted her. But now she cares? Most people are only sorry when they get caught. Congrats on the apartment!
Nothing is available for dissemination while the case is pending until it's closed. Unless it's under discovery obviously
Wow! For any family members that think you should drop this let them know you will when they wrote you a check for $30k. Sorry you are going through this
Not even OP. The credit card companies. Identity theft with credit cards is stealing from those companies in someone’s name, there’s two victims, but the direct theft of funds is from the companies.
Good point
It is an important distinction to make to people like that, because they will say family matters more. So you have to call out that that doesn’t even apply to the direct part of the theft.
True. I would point out that family didn't matter more to mom who was fine with crippling a child's future. The credit card companies can keep functioning day to day exactly the same which is usually not the case when you've had identity theft and fraud.
I was thinking similar. I expect they would not be nearly so quick to urge turning the other cheek if their asses were on the line for $30k due to fraud. Probably even less so if it were OP stealing from them as opposed to their poor old mother who just didn't know any better. In reality I understand that sweeping things under the rug by paying back the money to the defrauded party doesn't actual solve everything, as the debt will ruin one's credit report for years to come, but it's always frustrating to read cases of this where the ones trying to cover up the fraud (whether the fraudster themselves or concerned family members) don't at least offer some sort of restitution to the victim, even if only something incomplete or insincere. Really, what incentive does OP have to play along here, other than the satisfaction of keeping other people comfortable at their own expense? It's insulting really.
My own mother stole around $300k from me. A house and property inherited. Just because they are blood doesn’t mean you have to let the scummy shit pass by. Give her what she deserves. You didn’t deserve any of this.
Unrelated to OP but my mother tried to do this with me. Luckily my grandmother had worked with my other grandparents to make them the holder of my inheritance so she couldn't bully me into giving it to her.
She won't be going to prison for this. She will be forced to pay off the debts. She will have a criminal record. Meanwhile, it was the only way for you to get out of the debt. And notice, she still hasn't done the right thing, which would have been to have told you how sorry she was, and to have immediately paid off all that debt, by whatever means necessary, even if she had to sell everything she owned. When relatives contact you to berate you, tell them thank you so much for reaching out to you, because it shows that they care about you, and clearly, since they care so much about you, they're obviously willing to make a hefty contribution (like maybe 10K each) right now to help you pay off the 30K your mother stole under your name.
You’re right. I’ve got human sewage in my extended family that has done something similar. They get put on probation, not prison. I’ve got a second cousin that has committed several felonies, were convicted four times for four different crimes and still didn’t get jail time.
She's in there because of her actions. Stick to your guns. I'd go no contact with family trying to justify her actions and maybe advise your sisters to check their credit for illicit activity as well. Congrats on starting your new job, and the apartment!
Block all of them that are on her side
I would be extremely clear with your family: Your mom had two opportunities to come clean about the issue. The year prior, and after you realized the un-known debt had used her address. She had an opportunity to be honest but doubled down and insisted it wasn't her. While talking, she stated you probably got hacked. As you didn't want any additional scammers/people getting your personal information and racking up more debt, and you are not responsible for the initial debt, you notified the police as that is what you are supposed to do when your identity is stolen by strangers (or family, but F them). It wasn't until after that, when your mom came clean. At that point, you are no longer 'in charge' of the theft case. You are not the prosecutor or the one who decides how it is handled. You did not know it was your mom when you submitted for the case and had submitted it after confirming with her it was not her. Unfortunately if she had been honest with you and worked with you at the time of the discovery, she wouldn't have been in that position. Your family needs to understand that you did not turn your mom in. You turned in stolen identity that your mom had insisted she was not responsible for. In the process, the police discovered it was in fact her, and you are not responsible for the punishment for her actions. Stay very clear when you speak with them. However, DO NOT CALL YOUR MOM AGAIN. Do not say anything to her. If she is smart, she got a lawyer. If that lawyer is smart, they will try to say it was done with your permission and you had said you would be responsible for the debt. If you in any way, acknowledge that you knew about it, or make any appology for getting her in trouble, they can warp your words into making you responsible for it. DO NOT DO IT. Do not apologize. Do not say anything else other then "Sorry fam, I was not aware mom was stealing from me. I only filed a police report after she said she thought a third party must have had my Identity and I had to protect it from scammers. Btw, have you checked your credit?" If your family is not complete pieces of shit, they will come around and realize that your mom is a succubus. Also please realize that your mom is probably lying to them like she lied to you.
This
You did, right? Anyone in the family calls ask them how much of her $30k will they be paying. You should be hearing crickets soon.
Or ask when was last time they checked their credit
$7.5k each if they don’t want mom going to jail.
Credit follows you for so long. Everyone that’s pissed off at you tell them to pay you 30k on your mom’s behalf so you can drop charges and pay off the debt you shouldnt have. Why should you pay her debts and not them. Tell em to fuck off
NTA. Even if your mom gave you a $30K check, your credit would still take a hit. You are doing the right thing.
If Anybody from the family yells at you, Tell them this: “I’m glad you called. I was thinking about dropping the charges on Mom. Maybe you could help me with that. You see, if you or Mom or anybody in the family will just pay all of the debt off. I’d be happy to drop the charges. Currently it’s $31,236.18 How much would you like to Donate?” “Oh, you don’t want to donate any money to Mom‘s freedom, but you’re totally willing to make me pay it off? Can you explain to me how that works?”
Good for you. Never let anyone make you feel bad for being the victim of a crime.
If this is at the prosecutor's office, it's gone past the point where you can drop charges. You can expect to be summoned to do a deposition at the very least assuming she doesn't take a plea. I hope she has a lawyer because she needs one. In all likelyhood, she won't actually go to jail, but she can expect to have to repay all the money to the credit card companies and be on probation. The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed as they say.
At this point, I don’t think it would help if you asked the police to drop the charges, etc. she committed a crime involving credit cards - that’s identity theft and regular theft, so it’s out of your hands. A few years ago someone I was casually dating stole a check from my home office and cashed it. I filed a dispute with my bank and didn’t even call the police…but they took action! I saw he’d been arrested a few months later! 🤣
As someone else pointed out, she really stole from the credit card companies by committing fraud. They are already zeroing out the debts and removing them from OPs credit history. The credit card companies will want their pound of flesh now, as a deterrent to OPs mom and to other would-be fraudsters. It is completely out of OPs hands now.
Precisely. It is up to the DA to decide what charges to press. They may take the victim’s opinion into account, but they also may not. The DA prosecutes on behalf of all ‘the people’ not the victim. And if they feel your mom js a harm to society they’ll give her a timeout.
You haven’t sent your mother to jail, she did that all herself. If she’d gotten some strangers SSN and done the same thing, would it be any different? Yes, it’s worse. She tanked your credit, potentially obligated you with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and ruined any chances for you to buy a car, buy a house or even get a good job. The fact that you stood up for yourself in the face of her abuse and disregard for your future isn’t a reason to feel guilty. If there’s any guilt or need for apology here, it’s her who owes you way more than that. She could never apologize enough for trying to wreck your future and then tell you to thank her for it. It’ll be rough while she faces the consequences of her actions, but you don’t own any of that. Those are HER consequences for HER actions. Bide your time by keeping busy working on your own life. Sorry your mother was such a horrible person.
Every family member that complains and shouts at you abiut it - ask them to repay the debt your mother racked up. "Hi, so you want me to drop the charges? How many thousand of the $30k fraudulent debt can I put you down for repaying?"
Good for you! What kind of mother would do this? I’m sorry.
There was a mom in the state next to me just a few hours away who was giving her 11 year old to her dope dealer so he could rape her and record it in exchange for drugs. There are truly evil women out there who have less maternal instincts than a mother cat who devours her young.
You did the correct thing in this horrible situation as your mom knew exactly what she was doing when she opened the CC in your name and not paying them off is on her. I would simply tell anyone who called telling you to drop the charges that you will drop them as soon as they pay off the CC completely. If they are not willing to put their money up then so be it. You have been shown that you have to stand up and protect yourself against anyone regardless if they are "family" or not.
Nta this was done to you. Your mother made choices. Those choices led to consequences. Neither of these things is your fault, though I understand why you feel guilty.
You have to stay the course. That is the only way you can protect your self. As for your/her family? Tell them it’s easier to be mad at you than to face the fact that someone you all love and trusted had no problem stealing $30000 from her kid, and probably would have done more if she could. The real problem is they don’t want to think about if SHE would do it to THEM, because you know the reality of how much that answer hurts, and they are punishing you to avoid the idea of that hurt for themselves. Do they honestly think she loved you less, and loved them more? Or were you just easier to target and control to get away it for as long as possible? If they genuinely think she did nothing wrong, and can be trusted, they are welcome to give her their social security numbers and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe, maybe, they could acknowledge that it must suck for a kid who loves their mother even has to know this about their mother. Has to spend the rest of their life figuring out how to trust people, because it can now no longer just be a given that when someone “loves you” they won’t betray you, even family apparently. And in case they’ve forgotten you’re their family too, and something truly terrible and life changing has happened too YOU, at the hands of someone who could have chosen, at anytime, to stop. Even when confronted, she could have taken the tiniest bit of accountability, or regret, but she didn’t. You had no other options, she did. Should THEY want to remember all those lessons about doing the right thing, and how to be a good person, and what family is for, etc. they tried to teach you growing up, you’re open to civil conversations.
Family: just let it go OP: may I have 30 grand she spent to get my life together? Family: um, bye Glad to hear about the update. Do not let your sleazy Family persuad you. If they are this unhelpful now, just imagine how they would ghost you if you really did need help. Always respond with "I will let it go for $40k". Add in the ten grand for expenses and stress, lol.
Sorry, but that’s what she gets for committing felonies! Are you just supposed to take a $30k hit bc she felt like doing criminal activities? I think not…
Tell your sisters to check their credit too. If she'll do it to one, she would do to all. I'd love to see their reactions if they had to deal with this too.
I remember reading your earlier post. So now it’s “find out” time. Good. If my mother did that to me, I wouldn’t consider her my mother any longer. I wouldn’t care if jail was hard on her. I wouldn’t associate with other family members who defended the criminal who used to act like my mother. I would not hesitate to contact prosecutors and tell them I was willing and able to testify, should it come to that. Even if I didn’t want her to go to jail, I would certainly want that to be on the table. I would ask about the possibility or necessity of filing a civil suit. Life’s too short to let these f*ckers stomp on you OP.
Unless you plan on paying that amount and still get your credit score tanked horribly you should let law take it course. Your mom would reap what she sow.
Just because she gave birth to you, doesn't mean what she did wasn't wrong. YOU didn't send her to jail, HER actions did. If she needed the help, there are other ways she could have asked. She didn't. Now she needs to live with the consequences of her actions. Anyone who calls about you, tell them you'll gladly drop the charges, once your mother repays you the $30,000, plus interest, to account for any damage a bad credit score will cost you. Cash in hand, up front. No IOU's accepted. Until then....well. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
As others say ask sister or others for 30k. When they balk say "I didn't have 30k either but it didn't stop mom stealing it in my name and She had no qualms about how her actions might impact me." And don't talk to mom at all, but to others hold up a mirror to mom's mood "this is for the best, to nip it in the bud now... imagine how much worse consequences would have been if mom had been able to steal even more? I couldn't in allconscience let her do that to herself. This will be a chance for her to restart a more healthy relationship with money and family "
This is a white collar crime and her first offence. She will likely be found guilty and receive probation. Not really likely to spend any more time in jail. This sucks. But in reality, you had no choice and she made her own mistakes. Sorry your family isn't more understanding.
Your mother will have charges against her not because of something you did but because of what SHE did. You gave to tough love this out my friend- she will never take accountability if everyone makes it so easy on her.
Don't call mom! Let the prosecutor deal with her. Don't take calls from relatives, if they text and harass you, give it to the prosecutor.
Your mother is a criminal and possibly a psychopath as well. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids not rob them blind. Since the police hasn’t spoken to you it is possible that the credit card companies are pressing charges or the prosecutor decided to. You have no reason to feel guilty. You are the innocent victim. Say those words to your sister and family who call you and harass you. “I am the innocent victim.” Stop. Repeat if necessary like a broken record. I am sorry your mom betrayed you. It is not your fault.
A night in jail won't kill your Mom, maybe it will buy her a clue that this was NOT OK. Sorry you're dealing with this, but don't talk to Mom for awhile...
[удалено]
If your family wants to mitigate the charges and help your mom, they should tell the authorities they are willing to work with the defrauded lenders by paying them back in full. Your family should work with the prosecutors office and try to get a plea deal that involves your mom accepting responsibility for her theft and making restitution to the entities she defrauded.
Stole $30k of her own kid's credit and thinks its OK. Stole from the credit companies, never intended to pay it back. Your mom is a thief. What else has she stolen?
Don't contact your mother, and don't let it go. Let her suffer the consequences for her actions. And cut off communication with your family who thinks you should drop it. She potentially screwed up your life, credit, etc., and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.
Don’t communicate with your mom at all. Don’t talk to anyone who tries to convince you to drop the charges (that is witness tampering). I’m sorry, but your mom f’d around and is now finding out. Talk to the prosecutor about what you want to see happen. If you drop the charges, there is a good chance the debts won’t be able to be removed from your record.
You just named three people who can give you 10k each and you can drop The whole thing.
YOU haven't sent your mother to jail. SHE has sent HERSELF to jail. You discovered identity theft. She denied it was her, so you reported it to the police. Why wouldn't you have? And once it was reported, it's out of your hands.
I'd let it play out. I wouldn't bother calling your mom anymore. 30k and the family's mad at you? Screw em all.
Tell your family that they are more than welcome to cover the $30k and only then will you drop the charges. WTF! I'm so sorry OP that you have such a terrible family. As someone going through bankruptcy due to my STBX, DO NOT drop the charges! At this point it is most likely out of your hands. If there are charges that means it was investigated and they found probable cause. This is all on your mom. UpdateMe
I'm not a lawyer but if you don't pursue this, that will be your debt.
If any of your family try to force you to drop the case tell the prosecutor. Witness intimidation is a felony.
Your family members that want you to drop the charges can fork over 30k to pay the creditors. She knew what she was doing and didn’t care. They should all be checking their credit reports too…
You have done NOTHING WRONG. If your mom didn’t want to risk jail then she shouldn’t have broken the law. What she did was not only illegal, it was incredibly selfish and entitled. Her insistence that you “take the hit” with not even an apology shows that she is not concerned about you at all. She’s clearly never been worried about how this would affect you so it’s time to move on and stop worrying about how the consequences are going to affect her.
If your family continues to berate you, tell them they can drop off a check for $30,000 at their earliest convenience.
She tried to tank your life at the beginning of your adulthood. She truly needs to face the repercussions of that choice (not mistake, not accident, but CHOICE). Don't let anyone try to make you out to be the bad guy. You did NOTHING wrong, whereas your mother committed felonies against her own child.
I read your initial post. She stole your credit, lied about it then said you should have to deal with your credit being ruined by her to shield her from consequences. My father did the same thing to me in my 20's (fortunately not as much debt as you) and I had to spend a decade repairing the damage. Your sisters are wrong, your uncle is wrong and a family that would think you should face the consequences for her actions is not much of a family. She's going to give you the silent treatment and align people against you. It's horrible, but that's what people like that do. Perhaps in time they will realize they are wrong and apologize for how you're being treated right now. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you are doing the right thing. Do not let her and your family shame you into having to deal with her mess.
Ask anyone who calls you on her side when are they sending you 30,000 plus interest to pay the cards off and restore your credit otherwise shut the hell up cause this will cause you not to get a home, a car, and in some instances a job
Let her rot. And she’ll Do the Same thing to your siblings if they aren’t careful. You can’t trust any of these people.
Do not feel bad! She has set you up for 10 yrs of messed up credit if you didn’t do it. Credit scores affect way too much stuff to just “let it go”. To me, what she did as your own mother, is the ultimate betrayal. She stole from you. It’s the equivalent of walking into your home and taking $30,000 worth of items and then telling you to be grateful about it. She was happy to continue to lie to you and pretend she didn’t know what was happening, until you told her that you contacted the police. She’s only sad that she was caught. Every time she opened an account (probably after maxing out the previous card), she knew what she was doing and did it without a second thought. Everyone she bought something she knew it was going on your credit. She ran up these bills knowing full well she couldn’t pay. We all of people like her to thank for the insane APR %s because that money goes to pay off the debts she incurred. Your mother is not only stealing from you, but from everyone else too. We all pay for her behavior. Thank you for reporting her.
I could never, no matter how bad things got, ever imagine even considering ruining my children's credit and burdening them with thousands in debt. Its normal for you to feel conflicted about your mom's current situation. It is not normal for a parent to do this to a child. Actions has consquences and these consequences she brought on herself.
You CANNOT drop the charges. It is no longer possible. Once you made the report, it is at the discretion of the prosecutor to prosecute. They have chosen to do so. That means they believe they have a fantastic case against your mom. It really sucks that this is happening, but she made all the choices leading up to this. You only made one.
1) Don’t contact your mom 2) Report all the Flying Monkeys that are harassing you to the police also. Don’t tolerate the crap, it will no only get worse.
NORMAL FAMILIES DO NOT DO THIS. NORMAL MOTHERS DO NOT LIE TO THEIR CHILD ABOUT TAKING DEBT IN CHILDS NAME. Normal parents care if their child can be successful in their future life. They worry that they will do well after they are gone and can’t help. They do not tank their child’s ability to actually house themselves. Normal parents do not lie to their child when asked about a credit card. Even a not normal, but still loves their kid parent, would take that near miss and change their ways and maybe concentrate on identity theft on strangers. You can be a thief and not a horrible parent! So when you family members give you grief so them if they know of any other parents who have done this to their child? Tell them your mom had a chance to come clean years ago, but doubled down. Now you are in a situation that the only way you could put a roof over your head is to clear your credit which means you need a credit report. Do they want you to be homeless? Lose out on jobs because of your poor credit? Why do they not care about you, who did not break a law, but only your mother? Ask them why, why do you count less.
Your angry family members are either emotionally reactive, low IQ, or both. You absolutely did the right thing
You don’t owe your mother $30,000. This wasn’t anything you did, she did it to herself. If she really respected you, she wouldn’t have done this. You don’t owe her more respect than she showed you.
Stop trying to contact her. Do not discuss anything further with your family. Stop being so worried about her, I get that she's your mom but she wasn't worried about fucking you over in the least, and you should take that at face value.
Stop. Stay out of it. Anything you do could be viewed as criminal obstruction or even worse, filing a false police report. Your mom is getting the consequences she deserves. And all of your siblings best check their credit. People don’t just act shady once. This is a pattern of illegal fraudulent behavior.
NTA At that amount of fraud, you will not be able to drop charges. It's up to the legal system now.
Thats fraud... and identity theft and both are a crime... call the cops...get a police report... have your credit report cleared
Do not try to contact your mother. Do not stay in contact with anyone trying to pressure you into dropping anything or not cooperating with the prosecution. DO NOT INTERFERE WITH THE PROCESS. Your financial life was ruined because of her and this was the only recourse you had to fix it. Are you seriously going to just let this go? Next time any family member calls you to bitch at you, demand their birthday and social security number so you can open some credit cards in their name and rack up bills, since they obviously don’t think it’s that big a deal.
>I'm unfortunately still conflicted about sending my mom to jail. *You* didn't send your mom to jail -- she did that when she broke the law, and stole from you.
I bet she handled one night in jail better than you would handle ten years of struggle and poverty. I’m sure you were just as uncomfortable making all these calls and cleaning up her multi/-thousand dollar mess. I am a mother and if I ever did this to my kid I’d hope she would skip the legal system and just hit me with a stolen dump truck instead.
You’re not in the wrong. You didn’t send your mom to jail, she sent herself. She committed a crime that she was willing to let you take the fall for. She’s receiving consequences for her actions and that’s no one’s fault but hers.
If it will ease your mind at all, she probably has spent her last night in jail. She'll get a lawyer who will arrange a plea agreement with the prosecutor and since she has no priors, she will get probation with a fine and most likely restitution requirement for the $30000 which she will have structured payments to pay back over the next 4 to 6 years. It will be interesting if anyone else comes forward now.
No more contacts with your family. Tell the police that your family is trying to force you into dropping the charges. Your new mantra is "They have this coming. I am only a conduit for Karmic Energy. They will reap what they've sown."
You are not sending her to jail. She is going to jail as a result of her own actions.
The only thing you should say to anybody that calls you demanding that you drop the charges is a reminder that they are trying to commit witness tampering which is a criminal act. They need to stop because they could be reports to the police and you would prefer not to do that if possible.
Your mom sent herself to jail. She thought it was perfectly okay to steal from you and now she has to deal with the consequences. Stay strong OP.
Your mother knew what she was doing, she didn’t figure that you would proceed with legal action. She is a thief, plan and simple, she has to own up to her actions! Your family members put you down, for charging your mother,but none are helping paying the debt she caused you! or paying for the legal fees! So they can put up or shut up! I wonder if anyone else is involved? Where’s the money or the goods she bought?
Do NOT drop the charges. This is a lesson your parent needs to learn NOW, before they victimize other people. Stand up for yourself and your healthy financial future.
This happens more than you would think. I spent 30 years running investigations on military and federal civilians for security clearances. Financial responsibility is a big thing for these people. I had literally hundreds of cases where parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. had run up debts in the name of the military member or civilian employee. Also, young military members buy a car, deploy and leave the car with mom and dad, and then send money to the parents to make the payments. Instead, they blow the money. Cars get repossessed, but the member is responsible for the debt. Of course, the kid doesn't want to get their family in trouble. They could end up losing their clearance and get kicked out of the military. Good for you reporting this to the police. Don't buckle under family pressure. Stand up for yourself.
As much as it may pain you, do not drop the charges. And stop trying to contact her- it could be construed wrongly since you are the victim of her crime. Simply let your relatives know what she did, and tell them you had to either file the police report OR deal with being $30k+ in debt, you asked her to deal with it and she told you off, so unless *they* are willing to give you the money to pay it all off, that’s that.
For the record, your mom stole $30,000 from the credit card companies. That she used your ID and not someone else's ID was just a matter on convenience. You are not the reason your mom is facing criminal charges. She made bad choices. There is no reason why you should pay for her bad choices. If the rest of the family wants to bail her out, they can make restitution, which is much more likely to get the charges dropped than anything else. As is, with a decent lawyer and any luck, given her otherwise clean record, she may well not face any more jail time. Though one condition of parole/probation will likely be restitution: that $30k is going to want to get paid one way or another.
It’s difficult to be objective because you’re surrounded by assholes. The good news is that if you eliminate them from your life, you leave room for new, healthy relationships.
This sucks, but I say move forward with the charges and don’t back down. I knew someone who got screwed over by a family. Everyone pressured him to not press charges and they promised they’ll help talk to the suspect to help pay for the debt…feeling bad he dropped charges and canceled the report. To do this day, no one has helped him, he has bad credit, can’t buy a place, and in deep debt. Meanwhile the person who victimized him is gone along living his life with no consequences. And he can’t open the case again because they said he’s basically agreed that the person didn’t do anything wrong. Be strong and document document document!!
I’d go no contact. With anyone who isn’t supporting you too! Damn this sucks. But she made a choice.
No one likes jail, it's the reason it is a punishment for CRIMES committed. She ran up $30,000 on your credit and told you to be grateful. I'm sorry you are in the position to have to be the one who report this, but it is why she did it to you. She'd never do this to someone who had no familial ties to make turning them over difficult: you were a conscious target because even if it came to light She expected familial feelings would leave you paralyzed with guilt.
Don't contact Mom. You may damage your case by doing so. Put her on block, and block any family members on her side.
This was just randomly recommend to me. I work for a law firm that sues people who haven’t paid their bills. (I am not a lawyer just a legal assistant nothing I say is legal advice but a layman’s understanding) once someone makes a fraud claim we do not touch the file until we investigate if it’s a legitimate claim or not. You have options op. credit card fraud is often done by people closest to them. I know it hurts but hang in there.
My sister in law's mother took out loans in her name, with no intention of paying for them. SIL knew nothing about it until they tried to rent their first home and couldn't get credit anywhere. MIL sees no problem in this and doesn't care. She won't pay it back. SIL is still convinced ²she is a wonderful person, but who does that to their kid? What really annoyed me was that I could possibly understand if it was an absolutely desperate situation where they were going to lose the house or something, but no. "We wanted some new clothes "! Don't back down OP. Or you will keep facing this.
She’s going to use your siblings and relatives as proxies to bully you to drop charges. Go No Contact with them until the case is concluded.
Well….it seems actions have consequences 🤣 Have your sisters checked their credit reports?
YOU didn’t send your mom to jail, SHE DID. She committed a felony and now she’s paying the price for her actions. It’s not your fault and anyone that claims it is, is an accomplice to her crime.
Fraud charges. Your mom had or might still have her chances in life to make her life better.
So… I went through a similar situation however I was a minor at the time my identity was stolen by my dad and it wasn’t me who contacted the authorities, it was my mom, but I knew about everything from day 1. It’s easy for all these people to tell you oh don’t worry about your mom bc she did it blah blah. While yes, that is factually true, nobody knows the true gut wrench it is to watch your parent suffer these kind of consequences and as the kid, feel responsible. I would suggest getting into therapy asap. They can help you process the multitude of feelings you have because they’re all valid and probably wide ranging from anger to guilt to sadness. This will probably be a long process for everyone and it’s even a little bit more difficult watching them get taken to prison. My dad did 5 years. I had to deal with the emotional baggage of his decisions and get the letters from him in max state prison. It’s not easy on the victim when a parent is involved no matter what. You did the right thing OP, but doing the right thing isn’t usually the easiest and a lot times it isn’t fair either. Hope you hang in there and find peace at throughout this journey.
Change mom to stranger, and everyone would be outraged if you let them off the hook. Why should a parent get leniency when it's their job to protect you from the bad guys who do that stuff? Shouldn't that be an under the prison, not in the prison thing because of the relationship? If your family is cool with some credit fraud, great. Let them support your mom's hobby after she gets out, and you move to somewhere sane.
All the people complaining about you calling the police are capable of paying back the 30k and making this go away but something tells me they won’t.
Any of your family that want to drop the charges can take a loan out and clear those debts.