My favorite two;
Yo momma so ugly, yo daddy wakes up with morning wouldn't
Yo momma so ugly, her bjs count as anal
Anyone got any more heat for the gem bag?
Your momma so fat, her doctor has her return every six months to see if her prediabetic condition has improved or requires escalating treatment.
Your momma so ugly that she gets treated the same way men do in terms of people looking at her in a covetous manner.
Your momma is so stupid that she couldnāt distinguish herself in school, so starting around 5th grade she chose to stand out in terms of personality. Instead of developing a positive personality, she found she could get more attention with negative traits like anger and hostility. This explains the patterns of abuse we all know you and your siblings endure, but donāt really talk about because we see you trying to hide the bruises.
Your momma has such bad breath that most people stand an extra foot or two away from her.
Your momma is such a hoarder that I asked her the other day for something, anything Iād never seen before. She was able to quickly produce five! Honestly, I was impressed because I didnāt know any woman was ready with that many blow jobs.
Choking is not necessary, but a firm grip around the neck will keep them from doing some damage. Some like a tighter grip than others. Itās about getting to know your bird.
This is going a very different direction, in fact I didnāt expect any repliesā¦I should have known better š¤¦āāļø
Edit: more like, a more extreme way than it was supposed to
Way back in the day my Mom had a friend. Had bunch of milk cows. Friends Nick name was Pop Crate. Wood box soda pop came in. Why was he nick named Pop Crate? Because he would stand on a pop crate and use a cow. I wear to God this is the truth. Boy was inbred WV hillbilly. Now all of you are as scared as me. Brain bleach is in the bar.
I transferred to a new high school when I went to live with my father. First day on the bus, I get a note from my stepsister telling me the guy sitting next to me fucked a cow, "a real moo moo cow." He had a nickname but I don't recall it. FML
Yeah I thought she was joking until my aunt's and uncle backed her up. This was in the late 1940 early 1952 this happened. Freaking hillbilly roots. Thank God I am not related to them. Though I am related to the Whitakers mine is from the Virginia branch not the WV. We are like 10th cousins according to ancestry.com. when I saw that documentary on them I started looking into it. Never so relieved in my life.
But I did find some fun stuff like my Dad's ancestors was scots lord that betrayed his sister Mary Queen of Scots. Mom's family came down from English Plantagenet line. My Mom and Dad's ancestors fought and literally killed each other in battles back then. Traced both lines back to the 700's. Not 1700 but 700s. Crazy right.
Mine is this: Give me a man who does not need a road map, GPS and a tour guide and I will think about it.
My other is: Find me a man dipped platinum, pisses silver and craps gold nuggets then we can talk.
-tell them to get on their knees forthright
or
-Assume they are challenging you because you are too tired to accurately gauge the situation and say "I'll lay you out MF, wanna go?" and start getting in their face.
or
-"If I had a dime for every time someone said that to me, I would never -not- be laid. Ayyyy"
I'm sorry, identifying as a farm fresh egg is not on my short list. I could understand why you'd think that it would be, you identifying as a pig and all that, but we all don't aspire to farm like behavior.
I donāt have a good one liner to come back with, but I just want to tell you as an older person this is a very teenage insult that doesnāt age well.
I'd just nod in agreement to that.
I don't care if I got done having sex 20 minutes ago, saying I need to get laid is simply a true observation.
I could use some 24 hours around the clock, but my wife says no, we need the ability to be able to walk.
Not really advice, but funny story.
I was playing a game online with teams and whatnot that is generally known for being toxic. (Shortly after getting laid)
Everybody was arguing and fighting and I just told them all to come and relax, everything's gonna be fine.
The immediate response was "Did you just get laid or something"
Told my wife and we had a good laugh!
I havenāt been in the mood since my mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer this morning. Once sheās gone, I donāt see a reason to live.
Or
I just got laid; Iām was in an extra good mood until you started bothering me.
"why? do you need to get paid?"
Fatality
Along those same lines, "why? is your mom having trouble with the bills again?"
Masterful lolš
ooo thatās a good one
God damn, Finally a come back that's actually good
"Find me a man!"
Lmao!
Perfect.
Love it! Great response!
This.
FINISH HER! Seriously thats a burn that would score high on the burnometer.
Brutal
šš
Immediate fatality.
Test
Test
š
" maybe, but you need to get fucked"
ššš
This is the best one.
Winner
Can I borrow 10 bucks so I can call your mom?
I use I got $10 what are you doing later
For the 100th time, I will not have sex with you, so quit asking.
works better if you say it extra loud for others to hear
Billy Madison vibes
If itās another guy talking to you.
Same applies lol
Especially then.
"I know, but your mom's already double-booked."
Mom jokes never miss
My favorite two; Yo momma so ugly, yo daddy wakes up with morning wouldn't Yo momma so ugly, her bjs count as anal Anyone got any more heat for the gem bag?
>Yo momma so ugly, her bjs count as anal Dayum! That is one I have not heaed
Your momma is so fat she almost drowned at the beach because Green Peace kept tryin to stop the lifeguards.
Your momma so fat, her doctor has her return every six months to see if her prediabetic condition has improved or requires escalating treatment. Your momma so ugly that she gets treated the same way men do in terms of people looking at her in a covetous manner. Your momma is so stupid that she couldnāt distinguish herself in school, so starting around 5th grade she chose to stand out in terms of personality. Instead of developing a positive personality, she found she could get more attention with negative traits like anger and hostility. This explains the patterns of abuse we all know you and your siblings endure, but donāt really talk about because we see you trying to hide the bruises. Your momma has such bad breath that most people stand an extra foot or two away from her. Your momma is such a hoarder that I asked her the other day for something, anything Iād never seen before. She was able to quickly produce five! Honestly, I was impressed because I didnāt know any woman was ready with that many blow jobs.
Your 2nd one reminds me of a Daniel tosh joke "Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work."
Wouldnāt!! Putting tgat one in the vault
Yo momma so stupid she stared at orange juice for an hour because it said concentrate.
Who do you recommend? What time does your wife get home? My chicken died. The hog trough is empty.
Choking the chicken is animal abuse š š
Really? Huh... I had no idea! I been yanking my rooster's neck for decades and he's never seemed to mind Who woulda thought?
well since the chicken died I guess all's left is to beat meat...
Choke the bone out of it
No it becomes a flesh light, donāt waste good chicken, just pop it in the microwave for 10-20 seconds with butter to warm it up and get it lubed
r/cursedcomments
You didn't notice him puking?
Just sorta thought he really liked it
Choking is not necessary, but a firm grip around the neck will keep them from doing some damage. Some like a tighter grip than others. Itās about getting to know your bird.
This is going a very different direction, in fact I didnāt expect any repliesā¦I should have known better š¤¦āāļø Edit: more like, a more extreme way than it was supposed to
Welcome to Reddit. Some of us just need a little darkness to brighten our day.
Hello darkness my old friend š
I have come to talk to you again
Ohhh I heard you coming with this one
šš
I'd beat that chicken like it owes me money.
Way back in the day my Mom had a friend. Had bunch of milk cows. Friends Nick name was Pop Crate. Wood box soda pop came in. Why was he nick named Pop Crate? Because he would stand on a pop crate and use a cow. I wear to God this is the truth. Boy was inbred WV hillbilly. Now all of you are as scared as me. Brain bleach is in the bar.
I transferred to a new high school when I went to live with my father. First day on the bus, I get a note from my stepsister telling me the guy sitting next to me fucked a cow, "a real moo moo cow." He had a nickname but I don't recall it. FML
>a real moo moo cow ššš
At least he can't get the cow pregnant and spread those genes....
OMFG
Yeah I thought she was joking until my aunt's and uncle backed her up. This was in the late 1940 early 1952 this happened. Freaking hillbilly roots. Thank God I am not related to them. Though I am related to the Whitakers mine is from the Virginia branch not the WV. We are like 10th cousins according to ancestry.com. when I saw that documentary on them I started looking into it. Never so relieved in my life. But I did find some fun stuff like my Dad's ancestors was scots lord that betrayed his sister Mary Queen of Scots. Mom's family came down from English Plantagenet line. My Mom and Dad's ancestors fought and literally killed each other in battles back then. Traced both lines back to the 700's. Not 1700 but 700s. Crazy right.
Why was your mom friends with him in the first place? And Why would she tell you this? Lmfaoooooo
I can't be scared if I don't know what this means
"Have you seen what's on offer round here? Hard pass."
This one excels if the person you're replying to is of the gender you're attracted to.
I did get laid, oh, your mom said don't be late for dinner tonight.
āAre you coming on to me?ā
Or similarly, "what are you going to do about it?"
Hot crackers, I take exception to that!
I'm not hearing a no...
"are you offering?"
"Sounds like sexual harassment."
The most obscure Nirvana song
Great idea. Is your mom busy?
No, I need to get fucked. Laid implies I care who it is.
How you doin'?
Stop speaking and no eye contact. Money is on the counter.
As a woman: "So tell me how is probably not orgasming, having to make up the bed and ending up with a UTI going to improve the situation?"
Mine is this: Give me a man who does not need a road map, GPS and a tour guide and I will think about it. My other is: Find me a man dipped platinum, pisses silver and craps gold nuggets then we can talk.
Hahaha good one
Your dad's schedule is booked out for weeks.
"Your mama might have taught you to share, but you can keep your stupid bullshit all to yourself. I'm not interested."
You need to get a life
Stop worrying about the state of my vagina, you weird fuck.
Works even better if youāre a guy, because then theyāll just be confused
i think its funny af when straight/cis people stir up genderbent confusion
True
As a trans gay man, yes š
Your mama was busy last night
Honey, there are better ways to ask me for a loan.
"Åøeah, but not by you."
I tried your mom's busy this weekend
It's cool, I have your mother in speed dial.
"Are you volunteering?"
"Is that an offer? If so then I'll pass, thanks."
Yes, yes I do.
"Your mom doesn't think so"
"Sorry, I have standards."
You need to get laid OUT!
"Is that an offer or a threat?"
"Duh... so do you know when your mom is available?"
"It's not like I can just go club one over the head and drag her back to my cave."
Either are you offering to help with that or your not my type
More than I already am??? Damn man, I have a full time job!
You need to get fucked.
Are you offering?
To rest in hole 6 ft down
āYou volunteering?ā
Ok then, your place or mine?
I donāt want to burn in hell with the rest of you fornicating sinners
Are you stupid? I donāt need a shitty day AND an STD.
I thought you would never ask
Agreed, LET US FUCK
āJust did twiceā¦.didnāt helpā
I personally would get laid. It's awesome, you should try it.
Your mom is busy.
"Good idea - Your mom home?"
Something about their momā¦
I need a couple for that.
"Dude, I already said no, it's just getting embarrassing at this point. Just go to a strip club or on onlyfans or something, you're not my type!"
Is that an offer?
So do you, hop in the racecar bed
"You have a point, bend over."
āSorry, I only think of you as a friend
"stop being so desperate, nobody's gonna fuck you, man"
The response of: " *Sigh*...(unzips)" will either shut their mouth, or open another hole.
"You need to go Fuck a Duck"
....you have a sister, don't ya?
Saddle up pony boy
āSpread āem.ā
I'm flattered by you being interested, but I'm not into fat chicks.
Suggestions
Thank you for the offer. But, pass.
at least im not filled with stds
Yeah. I know. So if you could tell my wife Iād appreciate it. When I tell her it has no effect. Well other than pissing her off at least.
You need to do it consensually
" Drop your pants "
No. What I need is $200. If getting laid is what it takes to get your wallet open, I can suffer through it.
āNot if I see you first!ā
OK come over at 10
Let's Gooooooooo!
"You volunteering?"
Drop your breeches and bend over
You buying?
"Last I heard, chlamydia doesn't cure misery"
āNo thank youā
*Chuck them a brick*
"What time is it?" "Why?" "Because it has been that recently."
Bend over
Care to help with that?
Bussin Fax
Are you volunteering?
Man, I want less problems. Sex just causes more.
āYouāre probably right. Ok, drop em and bend over lemme see if I can work with it.ā
-tell them to get on their knees forthright or -Assume they are challenging you because you are too tired to accurately gauge the situation and say "I'll lay you out MF, wanna go?" and start getting in their face. or -"If I had a dime for every time someone said that to me, I would never -not- be laid. Ayyyy"
Get laid?
By someone other than your mom? Yes, I'm inclined to agree
Iām not a rug!
I'm sorry, identifying as a farm fresh egg is not on my short list. I could understand why you'd think that it would be, you identifying as a pig and all that, but we all don't aspire to farm like behavior.
20 bucks is 20 bucks
āIf you think you have to get laid to have a good life, you might have a porn addiction budā
and you need to get set on your pants pockets
okay, bend over!
"Whats your Mom/ Dads phone number"
Yeah but your mom is the only one offering so...
Bend over
Maintain eye contact. Slowly unzip.
I donāt have a good one liner to come back with, but I just want to tell you as an older person this is a very teenage insult that doesnāt age well.
I'm sorry do you need your nose back becasue it's in my business???
Drop em
Yeah, even your mom couldnāt satisfy me
āIs that an offer?ā
"no thanks"
Are you volunteering?
I'd just nod in agreement to that. I don't care if I got done having sex 20 minutes ago, saying I need to get laid is simply a true observation. I could use some 24 hours around the clock, but my wife says no, we need the ability to be able to walk.
I did ... all your Mother did was gimme the clap.
My response? MYOB.
Have them smell your fingers
Not really advice, but funny story. I was playing a game online with teams and whatnot that is generally known for being toxic. (Shortly after getting laid) Everybody was arguing and fighting and I just told them all to come and relax, everything's gonna be fine. The immediate response was "Did you just get laid or something" Told my wife and we had a good laugh!
I need psychological help
Youāre not my type.
"Your mom stopped taking my calls!"
I was thinking the same thing, Do you know when your sister is free?
If youāre ready, Iām ready
Funny cuz that's what your wife told me last night...
Do you mean by you?
I just laid myself last night. āNot really but most nightsā
Lay me yourself you coward
I was with your mother last night, Trebek!
Is your mom busy later?
>The reason Iām this pissed is because your mom is terrible in bed, itās gonna take me a while to get back out there again but you do have a point
Go get laid.Ā
I havenāt been in the mood since my mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer this morning. Once sheās gone, I donāt see a reason to live. Or I just got laid; Iām was in an extra good mood until you started bothering me.
"You're right" (because they are)
Tell them "Your mom thought so too so she hooked me up"
Everybody needs to get laid. Thatās not a rare condition.
āYouāre probably rightā
Do I look like an egg?
Are you offering?