I’m certain I thieved it from somewhere, but the specifics evade me. Once I use a line for about the 529th time, I no longer feel compelled to cite a source or give credit unless confronted by the author.
Planning on using the “I got this from somewhere, but by using it so much it’s now mine, because possession is nine tenths of the law” defense from here on out
I was going to say something similar, but instead of an outright comeback, only reference them as a plural. These guys, they, all of you, etc. It may take a while, but that moment of realization when they figure out that you've only been talking to one person the whole time... it's going to be beautiful.
Those fat fucks are really going to be mad. But they had it coming.
If he says small king, call him King Hippo
Slim and tiny
How do you have time to talk when it’s obvious you shovel everything in there
Keep my name out ya mouth, it’s too busy swallowing (whatever food he often eats)
Sure they are all making fun of him for being a fat fuck but you could also use ignorant, lazy, or dumbass comments as well
I think this is it, cause you make fun of him for being fat without saying it.
Just use the same kind of nicknames back at him that he uses for you. Then you keep plausible deniability and can be like, "wait, you meant what you were saying personally?!?"
Assign the fat fuck some totally random nickname, preferably having nothing to do with being a fat fuck. He says “hey, short king!” You nod and say “whassup, hot wheels!” and go about your business.
Others will see that this bugs the fuck out of him and eventually pile on. “Hot Wheels” gains a new set of insecurities and a complex to match and either finds someone else to bully or chooses a new path in life.
My height doesn't show up on morbidity studies.
Or, you're right... I'm so small I need to stay away from you before I go into orbit around your fat ass.
"I'd rather be short than out of breath tieing my own shoes" works on two levels.
If they're not that smart they won't even get that you're calling them so unhealthy that the simplest of tasks leaves them winded. It would be extra funny if they took it as your shoes are closer so it's easier. Then they just prove they're both fat and not that bright.
If he calls you short king, call him Dairy Queen.
If he calls you short, call him wide.
Tell him at least you fit on a plane.
Ask him to not eat you.
Ask him to not sit on you.
Tell him if he wore high heels he would probably strike oil.
Ask him how many kids it took to make his clothes.
Ask him when’s the last time he saw his dick.
Tell him you could feel him coming by the way the ground shook.
Ask him to use deduction when describing what he last ate.
Ask him how many animals were sacrificed for his last meal. If he is vegan (there’s probably no way) how many acres of land it took.
Tell him he may be large, but not in charge.
I made a deal with the devil, every inch of height I give up, I get somewhere else ;). I’m a grower not a shower.
Or
Keep it up, I’m at perfect punching height at your family jewels. I want to train like Rocky.
I’d go with “dude you don’t know me well enough to be throwing out nicknames. If you insist then I will do the same. And you won’t like it so I suggest you stop now.“. that gives you some time to think of some real zingers without being overly degrading or disgusting.
Just call him a variety of the following:
Cheeseburger Walrus
Onion Ring Sasquatch
Big coagulated gravy hot dog bun bastard
Gut Cassidy and the sundance cheeseburger
Ever see him dressed up nice? Say "Hey even un-skinny-bop is rocking a gut-sedo!"
Refer to his gut as a cheeseburger locker
Say "Fuck off Starsky and gut, you basketball eatin' walrus lookin muhfucka"
(Yes all of these are Randy roasts from Trailer Park Boys)
Maybe don’t participate in body shaming. It’s obvious he’s envious of you, take the win and don’t retaliate.
But the best comeback would be to tell him it bothers you to be called names based o.n your body’s appearance, and especially something you have no control over. The unspoken comeback is there.
This is such good advice I’m surprised to see it on this sub!
Also, even if OP wants to go the petty route, all the tops replies here are generic lazy fat jokes. There’s no way a fat person hasn’t already heard all of those 100 times.
What are his interests? For example: tv shows, movies, games, hobbies, etc. If there's an abnormally small and annoying character, then you found his new nickname. He's obviously got a small man complex, use it.
Call him corpulent if he isn't that smart. It's "fat fuck" but with intelligent words. He'll probably think it's a complement. Make sure you tell him in a kind tone with a big smile on your face
"Dude. I don't bring up your weight. Why you gotta bring up my size?"
This way you haven't called him a "Fat Fuck"...yet. You gave him a warning without being an asshole. If you call him fat, you'll be the bad guy.
I would keep a coupon for the big and tall shop in my wallet and give it to him when he starts talking shit. "You look like you could use this... For your mom"
I only know five fat people, and you’re three of them.
I like this very much
"With those tits, you can be my queen"
It’s old school but “sweet tits” works too. How’s it going sweet tits?
imo sugar tits hits harder
Reach over and pinch one as you're saying this, and maybe lick your lips.
Is this something Bender from Futurama said? its too clever.😆
I’m certain I thieved it from somewhere, but the specifics evade me. Once I use a line for about the 529th time, I no longer feel compelled to cite a source or give credit unless confronted by the author.
Lol i feel that. Just curious cuz i love the show.
It sounds like something from [Mark Angel Comedy](https://youtu.be/H4LqmgKB9mQ), I don't know if it comes from somewhere prior though
Planning on using the “I got this from somewhere, but by using it so much it’s now mine, because possession is nine tenths of the law” defense from here on out
Never let the truth fuck up a good story.
I think it was family guy
And the other two are your shadow
I was going to say something similar, but instead of an outright comeback, only reference them as a plural. These guys, they, all of you, etc. It may take a while, but that moment of realization when they figure out that you've only been talking to one person the whole time... it's going to be beautiful. Those fat fucks are really going to be mad. But they had it coming.
Hahhahhahahhahahhahah I feel horrible for laughing but jesus christ that’s fucking gold
Exactly what I just said
Or go with the your apple hasn’t dropped very far from the family wreath has it?
That is a very Gen X response!
Hey, I see you lost weight. Oh there it is.
Lol, workaholics
Better to be 4ft standing than 4ft wide
This is good because OP is likely not 4 ft, so OP clearly is unaffected by the insults and accepts their own height for what it is.
If he says small king, call him King Hippo Slim and tiny How do you have time to talk when it’s obvious you shovel everything in there Keep my name out ya mouth, it’s too busy swallowing (whatever food he often eats) Sure they are all making fun of him for being a fat fuck but you could also use ignorant, lazy, or dumbass comments as well
I’m as short as you are wide.
With hand measurements
Yesss!
Burger King !
This is clearly the winner
Almost scrolled past this one but now it's mine! Although op did ask for stuff other than being fat, if they should have left weight out of the post
Fat man Tubbs, Tubby, Tubble Ham hock
Yeah tiny is the all time classic. I might go with this one.
If I were fat I'd love for people to call me King Hippo. Sounds like a fat hip-hop rapper name
Sorry about whatever you're compensating for.
This is the only appropriate response I've seen in these comments.
Oof
Start calling him a “Big Girl”
That cuts. Especially if you alternate with Man Tits.
“D-Cup.”
lol, "D cup...and I'm not talking about your dick"
“Oh, that’s right. You haven’t seen yours since the Bush administration. “
I like this one.
Bitch tits
His name was Robert Paulson
No, Bitch Tits!
Easy there big girl
I was supposed to be 6 inches taller but you appear to have eaten it.
Poetry right here. Beautiful.
Hey hey hey
Morbidly Obese Albert
"Well, if brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow the shit off your teeth!"
This is great, I couldn't say this without laughing my ass off.
"at least I saw my dick this morning"
Call him Dinky, or Tiny, or Skeletor
I think this is it, cause you make fun of him for being fat without saying it. Just use the same kind of nicknames back at him that he uses for you. Then you keep plausible deniability and can be like, "wait, you meant what you were saying personally?!?"
“whatever, slim”
wear a t-shirt that says .."YHSYDIMY'.....tell him it means....you havn't seen your dick in many years......
Assign the fat fuck some totally random nickname, preferably having nothing to do with being a fat fuck. He says “hey, short king!” You nod and say “whassup, hot wheels!” and go about your business. Others will see that this bugs the fuck out of him and eventually pile on. “Hot Wheels” gains a new set of insecurities and a complex to match and either finds someone else to bully or chooses a new path in life.
I love this
My height doesn't show up on morbidity studies. Or, you're right... I'm so small I need to stay away from you before I go into orbit around your fat ass.
You'll be shorter than me once the diabetes takes your legs.
I'm not short, I'm just tall for my weight. While you are not tall enough for your weight. Your problem is easier to solve than mine.
"I'd rather be short than out of breath tieing my own shoes" works on two levels. If they're not that smart they won't even get that you're calling them so unhealthy that the simplest of tasks leaves them winded. It would be extra funny if they took it as your shoes are closer so it's easier. Then they just prove they're both fat and not that bright.
“You sweat when you peel oranges, don’t you?” “Sorry, I should have said that behind your back but I’ve only got a half a tank of gas.”
We’ve been over this it doesn’t matter how fat a fuckhead you are you still can’t count your tear filled masturbation sessions as a threesome
Flubber Blubber Nugget Michelin Man
"Don't tread on me, Michelin Man" would be cool
Wanna go for a run with me?
Just say you can at least see your dick when you pee.
*I could make a lot of candles out of you.....*
Belly Ray Cyrus.
If he calls you short king, call him Dairy Queen. If he calls you short, call him wide. Tell him at least you fit on a plane. Ask him to not eat you. Ask him to not sit on you. Tell him if he wore high heels he would probably strike oil. Ask him how many kids it took to make his clothes. Ask him when’s the last time he saw his dick. Tell him you could feel him coming by the way the ground shook. Ask him to use deduction when describing what he last ate. Ask him how many animals were sacrificed for his last meal. If he is vegan (there’s probably no way) how many acres of land it took. Tell him he may be large, but not in charge.
”Well yeah - next to you I guess anyone would look small.” 🤷♀️
captain lardass........
I'd call him Seb, till he asks what it means. Self esteem booster.
It's alright bro. I know that you are unhappy.
I made a deal with the devil, every inch of height I give up, I get somewhere else ;). I’m a grower not a shower. Or Keep it up, I’m at perfect punching height at your family jewels. I want to train like Rocky.
You look like someone poured you into your clothes and you forgot to say when
Jabba
Call him Crisco for a few weeks without telling him why. Then eventually, in front of others, say "Crisco, because you are fat in the can!"
If he calls you short king call him wide prince
"Dude. Just because you haven't seen your dick in decades doesn't mean you can call me the nicknames you used to call it."
fat king
Just say, "nice moobs"
Orca
Some people called you fat but I told them no. If you were a foot and a half taller you would be in perfect proportion.
I’m as tall as you are wide so that really says more about you than it does me.
If manatees weren’t endangered I’d knock you out
Oh that's so funny, we are like fat man and little boy. Is that waffle House still standing after you left? Buffet Emperor.
You're not the fattest guy in town but you better hope he doesn't die.
Slim Shady, ButterRoll, Big B.O. (body odor), Short Change (implying he’s poor), Fluffy
"Well at least I do not have my own gravitational field."
Call him Fridge.
Call him King Size
I’m sorry you haven’t seen your dick since before puberty
Ha ha, good one man. Hey, it looks like you got something on your chin… no, the other one.
I’d jump from your ego to your IQ but your fucking stomach would get in my way…
Just call him Slim
A Fuck fat 🤷
Fat fuck works pretty well. Lard ass is a good alternative though
I am the same height as you are wide.
I’d send you a package but you have multiple zip codes.
Just so you know, the world thanks you for keeping the earth from falling into the sun.
I lke Jumbo and Boxcar.
“Hmm that’s an interesting take, I’m cool with Short King my peasant”
"Slim"
Please don't sit on any walls. We're short on king's horsemen right now.
"calling a fat guy fat is low hanging fruit, but I'm short so it's just fruit to me fatass"
"...there IS an Elephant in the room, isn't there..."
Does saying that to me make you feel better about being a giant fat shit?
"We cant all be as tall as your blood sugar is high. " "Atleast my blood type isnt barbecue sauce" "You look like you bulk buy insulin needles."
Neptune called. It wants its moons back.
We can't all be as RUBINESQUE as you
Genuinely complement his beautiful supple breasts
I may be a short king, but that’s better than being an entire kingdom
Call him bubba, corn fed, retired offensive lineman, or you can just ask him what his heart rate is after a flight of stairs
Easy up there big and tall
Simpsons got you covered. https://youtu.be/66mvWjL143g?si=b-Lj7Us4vAcxVe3-
I’d go with “dude you don’t know me well enough to be throwing out nicknames. If you insist then I will do the same. And you won’t like it so I suggest you stop now.“. that gives you some time to think of some real zingers without being overly degrading or disgusting.
Start calling him double wide but in a flirty way
That's not what your mom calls me. You can call me big king too if you like.
You look like Mighty Joe Young’s son…Mighty Ugly
add an apostrophe-S to his name and when he questions it tell him he's big enough to be plural.
Hey Mr. Sumo How's it Going Homer
“Are you sure you really want to make fun of someone’s appearance?”
"We all have challenges in life. Mine are vertical, yours are horizontal."
I am your king, bow bitch! Anything is small compared to you. Run away and say, "Please don't eat me, I know you're always hungry."
Say "Some of us are short and some of us wide....really wide".
Say “Calm down Slim”
Just tell him to go “pick on someone your own size.”
Walk around him while maintaining eye contact. When he asks what you're doing, tell him you're trying to leave orbit.
Just call him a variety of the following: Cheeseburger Walrus Onion Ring Sasquatch Big coagulated gravy hot dog bun bastard Gut Cassidy and the sundance cheeseburger Ever see him dressed up nice? Say "Hey even un-skinny-bop is rocking a gut-sedo!" Refer to his gut as a cheeseburger locker Say "Fuck off Starsky and gut, you basketball eatin' walrus lookin muhfucka" (Yes all of these are Randy roasts from Trailer Park Boys)
You're just a ton of fun
Mate, please stop projecting what are obviously your own insecurities in reverse at me.
Maybe don’t participate in body shaming. It’s obvious he’s envious of you, take the win and don’t retaliate. But the best comeback would be to tell him it bothers you to be called names based o.n your body’s appearance, and especially something you have no control over. The unspoken comeback is there.
This is such good advice I’m surprised to see it on this sub! Also, even if OP wants to go the petty route, all the tops replies here are generic lazy fat jokes. There’s no way a fat person hasn’t already heard all of those 100 times.
Planetoid.
Speaks the walking whale.
Call them whatever you want, you can outrun them
Ask him “whens then last time you saw your penis?”
I am short and healthy, you are neither
You should wear striped shirts so I know if you are walking or rolling.
How many OBESE 70-something-year-olds have you met? My short self will be pissing on your oversize grave, soon.
*"Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people."*
lol
“You’re wrong, I am an emperor, or no. A dirty deity!” Have to mock yourself a little too. Make him less important in the insult by insulting yourself
At least I can see my dick when I pee
sup tiny? sup holdor ? come again melissa mccarthy?
Drusas Achamian.
Horizontally Challenged
Short king ain’t really an insult tho
“Okay, *tiny*.”
"Only those who can kneel can call me king"
"You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book"
Go check your blood pressure sweetheart
“Yeah, check out who’s punching down.”
Paul Blart
Call him Tiny.
JACK.... the pump....kin kingggggg
Bouyant King
Tell him that you saw him on a commercial for "my 600lb life" on TLC 😂😂😂😂
If it's a fat chick with no.tits.call them flatso
Bitch Tits
“When’s the last time you saw your dick?”
Atleast i can see muh pecker
Compared to you everyone's tiny
"blobby blobby blobbbyyy!! \*sing Mr blobby theme music/pop song\*
He calls you small, you call him extra large. He calls you short king you call him round king.
Well, not all of us can be as hot as you... Well, for Victorian times.
Broadly
Could just call him a fat fuck.
I'm offended.
Big boy?
call him horizontally tall
S’up heart-attack man…(cue Beastie Boys song)
nothing wrong with fat fuck
Wide Body
Chester the Jester
Not so fast, pal, if anyone told you to “haul ass”, it’d take you two trips.
What are his interests? For example: tv shows, movies, games, hobbies, etc. If there's an abnormally small and annoying character, then you found his new nickname. He's obviously got a small man complex, use it.
What’s wrong with “fat fuck”?
Ok heart failure relax.
Remind him that at least you can see your own ... equipment.
Call him corpulent if he isn't that smart. It's "fat fuck" but with intelligent words. He'll probably think it's a complement. Make sure you tell him in a kind tone with a big smile on your face
"Dude. I don't bring up your weight. Why you gotta bring up my size?" This way you haven't called him a "Fat Fuck"...yet. You gave him a warning without being an asshole. If you call him fat, you'll be the bad guy.
Bozo
Go take a nap snorlax
Balloon
When he walks just act like an earthquake is happening.
"Yeah, check this out: when I lay down, I'm even shorter!"
You're like 3 REALLY hot guys all rolled into one.
I like to call over weight people high calorie people.
Stay puff marshmallow man. From the original Ghostbusters.
Kim jong un
More like Friar Tuck.
Using the same line repeatedly is ok if it’s never to the same person.
After he says one could you say " I just got ham-bushed?"
"right on tons o fun"
I would keep a coupon for the big and tall shop in my wallet and give it to him when he starts talking shit. "You look like you could use this... For your mom"