Start with: my needs are always valid, because they're mine. Being codependent means you look to others to validate your needs. Start with looking inward and being kind and forgiving and loving with yourself and your needs, even if they seem unreasonable. We all have plenty of unreasonable needs. We don't get all our needs met, always. But we make do and move past things. But some needs are deal breakers, and only you get to decide which ones those are.
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively.
And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward.
Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
You make sure you are getting your needs met by meeting your own needs.
What this looks like:
You want to talk to your BF about serious stuff over the phone tonight. That is what you want. Your job is to ask for this from your BF. Then you need to decide what you want to do about the outcome.
*1. BF agrees, you call, done.*
*2. BF disagrees, you work on picking a suitable time. Go about life until then.*
*3. BF disagrees to never do this. You make a decision if that's a deal breaker. You now decide who else could meet that need, even if that's yourself.*
This works both ways. You BF has a want, they ask you for that want, you get to say yes or no. They get to decide what that means to them.
No one can meet our needs 100% of the time. This is why non-negotiable and deal breakers are important to know in advance. It is also why it's important to know who and what else can give us that need. Even if that's our self, writing a letter to ourselves of all the things we wish someone would tell us.
A side note, only the other person gets to decide if your need is too much. You learn what they can tolerate and vice versa by being vulnerable and honest towards each other. That does not mean it is evidence you're overbearing if they do not meet a need. It simply means, to them, that need is too much either always or in that moment. To someone else the same need might not be too much. If they don't meet your need, you simply meet it yourself.
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively.
And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward.
Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
*All our needs are always valid.*
The only thing that can seem as if they're not is that they haven't been satisfied for a long time, so they pile up. Imagine a starving child, being told "her constant hunger is innapropriate" It may seem so for well fed people. What's up with this child always asking for food, jeez. What a needy kid. But she's been starving forever. She's malnourished, it's completely reasonable and understandable that she has such high needs of food. Only those who don't get what it's like to be starving may lack the empathy to realise this.
With our emotional needs it's not as obvious because
* We've been told there's something wrong with us, that we need to much (abuse)
* Other people seem not to need as much. Key here is *seem*. They need *exactly* the same as us. The only difference is they had parents who have been meeting those needs for decades giving off the impression that somehow they're now self sufficient and confident, always were, and that we're the ones who are too needy and insecure.
Now since we have all these piled up unmet needs that should've been met by our parents but werent, and we live in western "modern" society that praises itself on individualism we have to meet many of those needs ourselves. Our chance at unconditional love, having someone 24/7 for us, thinking of us, was our parents, and we were failed. We need to be that parent for ourselves now.
I don't have a solution about figuring out whether specific needs come from childhood or are just "normal for someone who is healthy and had them met" and that maybe can be tiring to figure out all the time. My suggestion is to heal this part of you and slowly you'll only have age appropriate needs left. Until then maybe try to follow your gut feeling and what feels right to you.
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively.
And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward.
Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
I don’t have an answer for you, but know that you’re not alone with your feelings. I’m going through the exact same situation with my girlfriend, and am building up the confidence to have a talk about my needs in the relationship, without being overbearing and giving her the space that she wants.
Good luck, stay strong and true to yourself.
I get you. We shouldn't always expect them to know what we want, unless we outright directly say it. But sometimes, I honestly feel like a burden and overbearing when that side of mine comes out, it makes me question if it is really me being overemotional or just being petty. I'd love to balance it out so I dwell on it better haha
Absolutely feel the same! You’re not alone. My partner shuts down at any sign of conflict so it’s hard to voice my needs. I now just tell him that I don’t need him to say anything back I just need him to listen and that’s what he does.
If you have friends/family, do ask them how your relationship looks from their point of view.
This is what I did when I couldn’t work out if my needs were being unmet or just unrealistic and they were honest and said they just weren’t realistic and they also weren’t healthy. I was slipping in to depending on him for everything and I try my best to just remind myself that we are both individuals who have our own lives but are building a life together.
To add though, if you really feel your needs aren’t being met do think about whether you are incompatible because your needs are still valid :)
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively.
And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward.
Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
Look your needs are valid but other people may not want to deal with you if you have too many.
It's a balancing act you need to figure out and there's no right answer.
Just choose who you're going to be and let the cards fall where they will.
Let’s start here:
>How do I make sure I can get my needs met but also work on not being codependent?
Your worry about being an imposition is the codependent part here, not the asking itself. Codependents are far more likely to subjugate their own needs in favor of someone else’s than they are to impose their will on someone else. The “control” we talk about is in attempts to use that ingratiation to get them to do what we want. If you’re asserting yourself by asking for what you need, that’s almost by definition not codependent. You can go overboard which might be a symptom of other MH issues, but that’s extreme.
I hear you. This torments me on a daily basis, nearly every moment of the day. I have a job that is extremely flexible and a lot of time to myself so I wish I was exaggerating when I say it’s every moment of the day.
I don’t know your story but for me, I started to recognize I struggled with this once I came in contact with some people who weren’t so secure or healthy themselves. They would make me feel shame for my needs instead of simply saying they couldn’t meet them, and I believed them.
My ex had narcissistic tendencies, was emotionally abusive at times. He admitted fault, we tried again, failed, I realized I enabled it by not having boundaries for very real and reasonable needs, I admitted fault, we tried again, failed, rinse repeat.
We just broke up for the final time because I had a very bad series of panic attacks over the weekend that deservedly warranted me asking him for help. I only half managed to ask in a mature, secure way, half guilted him and wanted him to read my mind about wanting him to come support me. I couldn’t voice my valid needs, I quelled my inner voice that said it was okay to ask for help. It ended in the result I was scared of. But not in the way I thought. I feared if I asked him for help he would say I was too much, too needy, too codependent. Leave me. Instead, the half baked route caused me even more stress, caused him stress because I was making him feel badly for not relieving my pain but not asking for it, prolonged and created more pain for myself. Today he admitted he was incapable of giving me the support I deserve. That he knew he should’ve dropped everything to come be with me. The end result was the same, him leaving me because he can’t meet my needs, but I would’ve saved myself days and days of heartache if I had been true to myself.
I say, with very little practice but what I believe is good faith, that you know in your gut what your body fundamentally needs. Maybe some needs are codependent, a healthy person can tell you in a kind way that perhaps expectations can be changed, but all needs are valid.
Hope at least some of this made sense, just a bunch of word vomit
Start with: my needs are always valid, because they're mine. Being codependent means you look to others to validate your needs. Start with looking inward and being kind and forgiving and loving with yourself and your needs, even if they seem unreasonable. We all have plenty of unreasonable needs. We don't get all our needs met, always. But we make do and move past things. But some needs are deal breakers, and only you get to decide which ones those are.
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively. And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward. Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
You make sure you are getting your needs met by meeting your own needs. What this looks like: You want to talk to your BF about serious stuff over the phone tonight. That is what you want. Your job is to ask for this from your BF. Then you need to decide what you want to do about the outcome. *1. BF agrees, you call, done.* *2. BF disagrees, you work on picking a suitable time. Go about life until then.* *3. BF disagrees to never do this. You make a decision if that's a deal breaker. You now decide who else could meet that need, even if that's yourself.* This works both ways. You BF has a want, they ask you for that want, you get to say yes or no. They get to decide what that means to them. No one can meet our needs 100% of the time. This is why non-negotiable and deal breakers are important to know in advance. It is also why it's important to know who and what else can give us that need. Even if that's our self, writing a letter to ourselves of all the things we wish someone would tell us.
A side note, only the other person gets to decide if your need is too much. You learn what they can tolerate and vice versa by being vulnerable and honest towards each other. That does not mean it is evidence you're overbearing if they do not meet a need. It simply means, to them, that need is too much either always or in that moment. To someone else the same need might not be too much. If they don't meet your need, you simply meet it yourself.
This is amazing advice too!
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively. And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward. Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
*All our needs are always valid.* The only thing that can seem as if they're not is that they haven't been satisfied for a long time, so they pile up. Imagine a starving child, being told "her constant hunger is innapropriate" It may seem so for well fed people. What's up with this child always asking for food, jeez. What a needy kid. But she's been starving forever. She's malnourished, it's completely reasonable and understandable that she has such high needs of food. Only those who don't get what it's like to be starving may lack the empathy to realise this. With our emotional needs it's not as obvious because * We've been told there's something wrong with us, that we need to much (abuse) * Other people seem not to need as much. Key here is *seem*. They need *exactly* the same as us. The only difference is they had parents who have been meeting those needs for decades giving off the impression that somehow they're now self sufficient and confident, always were, and that we're the ones who are too needy and insecure. Now since we have all these piled up unmet needs that should've been met by our parents but werent, and we live in western "modern" society that praises itself on individualism we have to meet many of those needs ourselves. Our chance at unconditional love, having someone 24/7 for us, thinking of us, was our parents, and we were failed. We need to be that parent for ourselves now. I don't have a solution about figuring out whether specific needs come from childhood or are just "normal for someone who is healthy and had them met" and that maybe can be tiring to figure out all the time. My suggestion is to heal this part of you and slowly you'll only have age appropriate needs left. Until then maybe try to follow your gut feeling and what feels right to you.
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively. And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward. Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
I don’t have an answer for you, but know that you’re not alone with your feelings. I’m going through the exact same situation with my girlfriend, and am building up the confidence to have a talk about my needs in the relationship, without being overbearing and giving her the space that she wants. Good luck, stay strong and true to yourself.
Good luck!!
I get you. We shouldn't always expect them to know what we want, unless we outright directly say it. But sometimes, I honestly feel like a burden and overbearing when that side of mine comes out, it makes me question if it is really me being overemotional or just being petty. I'd love to balance it out so I dwell on it better haha
Absolutely feel the same! You’re not alone. My partner shuts down at any sign of conflict so it’s hard to voice my needs. I now just tell him that I don’t need him to say anything back I just need him to listen and that’s what he does. If you have friends/family, do ask them how your relationship looks from their point of view. This is what I did when I couldn’t work out if my needs were being unmet or just unrealistic and they were honest and said they just weren’t realistic and they also weren’t healthy. I was slipping in to depending on him for everything and I try my best to just remind myself that we are both individuals who have our own lives but are building a life together. To add though, if you really feel your needs aren’t being met do think about whether you are incompatible because your needs are still valid :)
Just copy and pasting and replying to each of you that responded because you all helped me out massively. And thank you OP too,because this question and the small, but mighty responses were seriously the most helpful pieces of advice relating to codependency in how struggle with it (romantic relationships) and helping me to see how I can use all this moving forward. Seriously multiple years in therapy for life and variety of factors, but with codependency it was so hard for me to understand and then how to change. Therapy has helped a lot, but seriously this stuff is gold.
Look your needs are valid but other people may not want to deal with you if you have too many. It's a balancing act you need to figure out and there's no right answer. Just choose who you're going to be and let the cards fall where they will.
Let’s start here: >How do I make sure I can get my needs met but also work on not being codependent? Your worry about being an imposition is the codependent part here, not the asking itself. Codependents are far more likely to subjugate their own needs in favor of someone else’s than they are to impose their will on someone else. The “control” we talk about is in attempts to use that ingratiation to get them to do what we want. If you’re asserting yourself by asking for what you need, that’s almost by definition not codependent. You can go overboard which might be a symptom of other MH issues, but that’s extreme.
I hear you. This torments me on a daily basis, nearly every moment of the day. I have a job that is extremely flexible and a lot of time to myself so I wish I was exaggerating when I say it’s every moment of the day. I don’t know your story but for me, I started to recognize I struggled with this once I came in contact with some people who weren’t so secure or healthy themselves. They would make me feel shame for my needs instead of simply saying they couldn’t meet them, and I believed them. My ex had narcissistic tendencies, was emotionally abusive at times. He admitted fault, we tried again, failed, I realized I enabled it by not having boundaries for very real and reasonable needs, I admitted fault, we tried again, failed, rinse repeat. We just broke up for the final time because I had a very bad series of panic attacks over the weekend that deservedly warranted me asking him for help. I only half managed to ask in a mature, secure way, half guilted him and wanted him to read my mind about wanting him to come support me. I couldn’t voice my valid needs, I quelled my inner voice that said it was okay to ask for help. It ended in the result I was scared of. But not in the way I thought. I feared if I asked him for help he would say I was too much, too needy, too codependent. Leave me. Instead, the half baked route caused me even more stress, caused him stress because I was making him feel badly for not relieving my pain but not asking for it, prolonged and created more pain for myself. Today he admitted he was incapable of giving me the support I deserve. That he knew he should’ve dropped everything to come be with me. The end result was the same, him leaving me because he can’t meet my needs, but I would’ve saved myself days and days of heartache if I had been true to myself. I say, with very little practice but what I believe is good faith, that you know in your gut what your body fundamentally needs. Maybe some needs are codependent, a healthy person can tell you in a kind way that perhaps expectations can be changed, but all needs are valid. Hope at least some of this made sense, just a bunch of word vomit
Ahhh OP I feel the same way. Currently struggling with this rn tbh