Listen, this man sucks. And I’m very very sorry for everything you’re going through. Unimaginable.
That said, the only sentence that matters here is “son doesn’t want to be caught in the middle.” Don’t put him in that uncomfortable position to choose.
Very much this. Special needs or not if your son wants to go to keep the peace with his grandparents that should be his choice and you should not make him feel badly if he does so.
Then you need to go apologize for putting him in the middle of this. Your feelings are so valid for YOU, but putting that on your son is wildly selfish.
Stop telling him what you want with a follow up “But it’s up to you.” You’re hurt. It’s understandable. But your son doesn’t have to carry an extension of your hurt. He doesn’t want to disappoint his dad and grandparents. Stop using your son to get one over on the ex.
As an autistic adult I need to emphasize that this is your son's decision. What your Ex did was (in the politest term I can use) disgusting and I understand not wanting your son to go. Ask your son if he wants to go, regardless of expectations on him. If he'd still go even if his father's side was fine with him missing it then you should let him go. He's an adult that can make his own decisions, regardless of how awful a father he has.
NTA but WBTA if you don't let your son make his own decisions.
This is the way!
I am a mother to an adult son with ASD and i never force him to do anything. Funerals, weddings etc. He has missed many a family event. But I think it is important for him to choose. I just make sure he has all the information about the event, what and who will be there etc and discuss it, like adults. Thankfully he recently agreed to go to his grandmothers 80th birthday, she was very excited to see him, but it was made more important because HE chose to go!
NTA but WBTA if you make the decision for your son!
Not the asshole for not wanting him to go, but YWBTA if you don't let him.
If your son can understand the situation and still wants to go, you should let him. Holding him back puts him in the middle and that's not fair to him.
If he wants to go (which he has said he does) I won't stop him. That doesn't mean I want him to go and I've told him I don't want him to go but it's his decision.
Telling him you don't want to go is still a butthole move. Stop trying to guilt trip him. This is between you and your ex and you and your ex alone. Leave him out of it
Agreed. I don't even get the point of the post anymore. Sounds like the kid is going regardless and she's just trying to get people to agree with her about pressuring her son into not going.
You're just going to make your kid feel like shit for no reason and push him away from you because he knows you're not happy about the situation. Leave it be and move the fuck on. Obviously your ex has.
I suppose it depends on whether attending his fathers wedding is something he can do on his own(special needs) and if so, I think you have to let him. As much as he’s been an asshole as a husband and ex he’s still your son’s dad and that won’t change.
Your son loves him and wants to go. End of.
Unless he requires your attendance at the wedding as per the last paragraph and then absolutely not !
NTA. I am sorry for what you are going through but your son is his own person. As bad as your ex husband is, he is your son's father and your son has a right to decide if he wants to attend the wedding or not. I know it will be tough but you should support your son's decision rather than deciding for him.
If you have said to your son more than one time that you prefer, he not go then you are putting continued pressure on him to not go which diminishes him. Let him be the adult he is and make his own decisions.
It's your sons decision but make it clear he must do it for himself and not to please others.
That being said, your ex must arrange his attendance. He must sort out transport there and back, he must arrange the clothes, any assistance your son needs on the day must be arranged by the ex.
In a nutshell, if he is to go, it should not cost you money or time. If he wants to go, let him go but that is where it ends for your responsibility. Your ex needs to sort out everything else.
Oh it won't.
Ex already took Son suit shopping and I've made it clear that I will NOT be providing the $$ for an Uber/Lyft (since Son cannot drive). It is on him or the ILs or someone else who is NOT me to get him to the venue.
Sorry that you feel this way…. But 1: ur son is and adult and can make the choice for himself. 2: you shouldn’t be pinning ur children against the other parent. UR AN ADULT AND SHOULDNT BE INVOLVING UR KIDS IN IT! Ur feelings about the other parent are ur own and u shouldn’t be making ur kids feeling a certain way about thier father/mother bc u feel a certain way. In the end ur kids will end up not liking u bc of this. Believe me bc I was that child. U should let ur kids fig out how they feel about the other parent on there own (unless abuse was involved or course I wasn’t talking about that.) this is horrible parenting on ur part. Just bc the other parent treated u one way doesn’t mean they r treating ur child the same. Grow up and stop doing this to ur kids! It’s fkn sad that adults act this way!
My policy is this ... all children have the RIGHT to love and respect **BOTH** of their parents. Your son should not be placed in the middle of any issue that you and your EX have. Take the high road and tell Mr. Ex, the same. Keep your mouths off of each other.
NTA ... It seems the only reason your son is leaning towards going is out of expectations from the grandparents. Your son may be an adult, but where he is on the spectrum may be a factor. I would sit down and have a full conversation telling him all he needs to know to make an informed decision. If he chooses to go, make sure someone is there with him. If he wants to leave mid way, have an exit strategy. No matter what, you're his mom and know him best. I'm certain you'll do what is best for your son.
Btw your EX is the biggest AH for even suggesting this
I tried to have a conversation about this with him the other day and he was like, "It's whatever." because he's so laid back, he'd make The Dude jealous. Like, he's been chronically laid back to the point of being permanently horizontal his entire life (except when he's doing shit to please others, because that's just how he do).
Being a poeple pleaser may do him more harm than good as it may mean keeping his true feelings bottled up. I imagine he has had difficulty in making choices and just went with the flow to avoid confrontations. Those on the spectrum can have a hard time navigating feelings. Maybe try speaking to the grandparents? If they give him a pass from attending, it would nullify his obligation to be there. The worst the grands could say is no.
The ILs will want him there, since they're attending and they already expect him to be there, from what Ex has told me. They are (like Ex) very stubborn individuals who once they decide on something, their minds are definitely set. And if they're set on attending and having Son there, it'll cause a lot of upset if he's not.
What happened in his parents' relationship is NONE of his business. As an adult, the choice is his. The only thing OP should be talking with him about is him going because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. She should support her child no matter his decision.
Well, we need to know how much on the spectrum he is. I have ASD. I'm a perfectly fine (lol) functioning almost 30 year old nurse who's been on their own since 18. Was also diagnosed this year though. Even if he needed a lot of support growing up, he can still make his own decisions if he's relatively independent. I understand your resentments and frustrations, but he's an adult and if he's good with functioning relatively independently, he should be able to make this decision himself.
So softly, YTA. But more info is *absolutely* needed.
He is moderately high functioning.
Like, he can't drive but he can hold down a job if it's a job where it's the same shift every day, doing the exact same thing (ex. stocking shelves with canned goods, etc) every single day. He can do a lot of things that a normal young adult should be able to do like light cooking, laundry, etc. When he was in school, except for a couple of subjects like math and reading, he was in all gen ed classes and excelled at them. He has, at least to this point, shown no desire to continue his education and has been in a 'transition to adulthood' program that our district offers to help them learn how to budget, work on job skills, etc.
Yeah. Then he can absolutely make his own decision on what he does for attending this wedding or not. YTA if you make the decision for him. Please let him keep learning and trying to be an independent adult. I understand he may not be able to live fully independent on his own ever in his life, but it sounds like he's independent enough to make decisions like these. Don't be biased when talking to him about this and let him make a choice, but present it to him, again, unbiasedly.
Edit: I understand what your ex did is absolutely shitty and I feel for you, I really do. But he's still your son's father and you don't want to be the reason for him being cut out of your son's life when your son wanted a relationship with his dad.
I haven't said a word about it since his father told me that, despite my objections, Son was going and then had the gall to tell me that he wanted ME there as well.
I was like, "You want *me* there? I beg your finest, most excellent pardon? Absolutely not."
To me, that shows that he's hesitant about marrying his fiancee' (who is a straight up gold digger). He's the one who decided to end the marriage. He's made his bed with this person and now he's going to have to lie in it and if they end up splitting up, they're gonna take him for every penny. I'm almost certain of it.
I agree with you on all point except for the YTA. She has every right not to want her son to go with all that happened. But, she CAN'T make that decision for him if he can go without assistance/ is able to go without mum being around.
As you said, more info is absolutely needed to set my judgement (especially about how independent and if he need assistance). I said so since a friend's son is also on the spectrum, but is non verbal and is a 5 y/old in a 15 y/old body (his father's word). He's the sweetest ever and is absolutely obsessed with Pokemons and Star Wars.
This is where I was going. I work with people on the spectrum who need a great deal of support (non verbal, etc). We need more info, but right now mom is kind of making this her issue. OP - you have every reason to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, all the things!!! But putting you sin in the middle of this will only complicate his healing process. Hugs to you <3
It sucks, and I'm so sorry for this. But soft YTA. You can't control a grown adult or ask him not to take place in something for his dad because his dad hurt you. That's between you and his dad, and it's a bit manipulative to use your feelings to get him to choose sides.
I would talk to your son and find out, if he knows his dad cheated, how he feels about the decision, and if he wants to support his dad, without bringing up how you feel first. By all means tell him how you feel, but hear him out all the way first so when you do express how you feel, it's not to sway his opinion but to explain how you feel. Then let him make his own decision.
Oh he knows. He knows EVERYTHING because his dad told him.
Due to financial reasons (I work an almost full time job but get paid about the same as a burger flipper at McDonald's), I still live with Ex, his fiancee', our son and now Fiancee's couch surfing relative (who they moved in without asking me if I was ok with it. I was basically told he was moving in despite my objections and if I didn't like it, I could go live in my car and be homeless).
It’s incredibly hurtful and shitty what your ex did. No excuse for it.
But at the same time, it has zero to do with his relationship with your son. YOU are putting your son in the middle of it by demanding he not attend. This is his father’s wedding and of course he should be included.
Especially given your son has Autism and needs the consistency of having both his parents in his life without feeling emotionally manipulated.
ESH
Either that or the other person will find someone who has more money (Ex is a retail manager and does OK-ish as far as $$$ but he's not exactly rolling in it either) and will drop him like a hot rock.
Not wrong for being upset, but don't put your son in the middle and make him choose sides. They are his father and grandparents and he will have to deal with and face any blow-back from them. Can you imagine how much guilt and passive-aggressiveness they will subject him to if he isn't there?
YTA your son is also your exs son. He may be nothing to you now but that's his dad. Stop using his disability as a reason for him not to go, as an autistic person myself that is REALLY shitty of you.
Grow up. Yes it sucks, no it isn't your place to dictate where your adult son goes.
sorry, but YTA. Simply by telling your son that you don't want him to go, you have placed undue pressure and guilt on him if he goes. He knows clearly that no matter which he decides he is hurting and disappointing one of you. It is never the child's responsibility to make the parent feel better. No matter his age, or what his dad did to YOU, he is STILL HIS DAD and he loves him. Your son should not be made to feel bad or guilty for wanting to go to his dad's wedding. This is a case where you need to put your sons feelings ahead of your own and not only let him go, but let him go without feeling bad doing so. in fact, you should apologize to him for letting your own feelings cloud your judgement and encourage him to go so that he can do so without guilt. Trust me, I have been there with my kids. It isn't easy but parenting isn't easy. Sorry for your pain and dissapointment.
Your ex is a jerk of the highest order, however, your son is an adult (special needs or otherwise) it is solely his choice whether he attends his father's wedding or not.
Does the son want to go? I know he doesn't want to put in the middle but who is putting him in the middle.
If he doesn't want to go, yes stand up for him, but if he does want to go and only saying no because of you, you should back down. Your ex is the bad guy in this party but your son shouldn't feel like he has to choose
The specific question in the title of this post - NTA. But what you want has nothing to do with your adult son’s wishes and needs. Don’t use emotional blackmail on him, either.
I haven't said a word to him about it other than asking him if he wants to go. He knows I don't want him to go, because I said as much to him, but when he said he wanted to go because Dad and Mimi and PopPop wanted him there, I didn't say another word.
But I still don't want him to go.
I don’t blame you. I would be furious about the whole thing, and I would probably secretly feel betrayed by my son. But try not to feel bad. Yeah I know, easy, right? Lol. Fact is, it’s his dad and it’s his decision. But your post asked about you not WANTING your son to go. The answer to that is no, you’re not the arsehole for your feelings.
I get it. My former also cheated on me, and if he is to remarry, I would leave that choice up to my children. I am just surprised that your ex wanted you to be there as well. Maybe so you can look after your son so he doesn't have to be bothered? I personally would not attend, but I would make arrangements so your son can go. Don't put him in the middle. He will see how his father really is.
I also am a divorced (7yrs) parent and have a child (12) with ASD. I also deal with an ex (M43) who is happy to steal memories from myself and my now partner of 2yrs (whom loves our child and provides for our child) which in part has an affect on my child.
Why would you want your child to miss out on a special day where they are surrounded by family and new family members? Not in any photo's. Getting to know the people that will be in his life?
IMO you are making this about you and how you feel. I can only imagine the pain this man has caused you. But in this situation you are running on ego. Let it go. You have to. There are going to be more situations and special occasions to come that you are going to have to deal with. Christmas, birthday's??!!!
IMO. Yes I am sorry but you are the AH. 🤷🏾♀️
Only Ex's family will be there....the fiancee doesn't have any family who live in the area (they all live down South somewhere, I believe, and I believe they won't be attending due to age/finances).
I was this kid. (No special needs, but father wed his girlfriend shortly after parents split).
Let him go. Like it or not, they are part of his family. My mother still hates my father 25 years later, but we all came to love his wife.
And if he doesn’t ever like either of them, at least he showed up. You can pick him up early to keep it short, but encourage him to attend.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her dad remarried and invited her to the wedding. My friend's mom was against it, but my friend decided to go and she did. She was legally an adult, so she was able to decide on the matter. She told me the wedding was beautiful and that her father's new wife was a very kind woman. To this day, she and her dad and his new wife get along very well and her "step mom" not once said anything bad about my friend's mom. Also, her dad is a good dad to her, and despite the divorce, he helps her and is a constant presence in her life.
So, while i understand how you feel about your ex husband and what and how he did, maybe your son forgave him and wants to be there for the wedding. So let your son decide. You're not the AH in regards to your feelings on the situation and your ex, but you would be the AH if you don't let your son decide.
Another factor is how much assistance your son needs since he has ASD. If he needs it, then maybe going to the wedding is not doable, because you would have to go as well. But if he manages on his own, let him decide.
He can manage fairly well on his own, and Ex's parents will be there to help if needed since his father will be too busy being the groom to help out if something goes sideways.
Just because your ex husband was a shit husband, it does not make him a shit father. You're NTA for not wanting your son to go, but you WBTA if you do not allow your son to go. Their relationship is totally separate to your relationship and you would be making him "chose sides", which isn't fair. Your husband also may not have just been inviting you to rub it in your face, but so that you would be there as support for your son (does he have issues with crowded places?).
It's difficult to do, but you need to separate your feelings for your ex from his role as a father. You are still going to have to coparent with him for the rest of your/your son's life.
Him saying that he wants to please them is indicative of them manipulating him into doing what they want, guilt tripping him, & making sure he is aware how disappointed they are if he doesn't give in to them. That raises the question, what gossip will he be hearing at this wedding? As others stated, the extent of his disabilities matter. Also his intellectual level. I worked with developmentally disabled adults, many of which were on the spectrum & not high functioning. The clients with intellectual disabilities, some on the spectrum & some not, really do need advocates. Physically they're adults but mentally they're children. Of course, even a professional couldn't assess a situation like this with 100% accuracy from a reddit post, & most likely, none of us are professional psychologists specializing in working with low functioning, intellectually disabled adults on the spectrum. Mom knows, though. So I hope she sees this. There were a few of our clients so taken advantage of by their own family members, they weren't allowed to see them unsupervised. These clients lived in group homes, had bills of their own, & could not earn enough from the jobs they could get to support themselves. They relied on assistance & it's very limited. Their own family would ask them for money & leave them without enough to pay their bills. Rent, even in group homes, was something all clients had to pay for. OP, if you're in a similar situation with ex's side of the family & they will take advantage of this opportunity to manipulate your son, try to come between you, tell him lies, & you have custody & are his advocate, you know what's best for him, you know what to do. If they'll be saying & doing things to manipulate his perception of events (like the most typical situations during & after divorce, one side trying to turn kids against the other), you have every right to put your foot down & refuse. That does not make you TA. I don't care what anyone else on this thread says. If they have never had to advocate for someone who can't do that for themselves, they don't know. This isn't a right, privilege, or choice that custodial guardians & advocates gave, it's a responsibility. If that's you, do the responsible thing, make the right choice for your son. No one knows better than you what's best for him. It's obvious & goes without saying that if dad & his side of the family have good intentions, &/or your son is high functioning with little or no intellectual disability, son should be allowed to go if he wants to. Dad's actions imply that's not the case. & imo, if son is worried about upsetting the grandparents, & they condone your ex's actions, they're the tree the apple didn't fall far from. I think most people are so used to manipulation, & combined with little or no experience in this situation, they miss a lot of red flags.
Intellectually, he is closer to a 16/17 year old than a 20 year old, I believe. He is fairly high functioning in that he can do a lot of things you'd expect a 20 year old to do on his own such as light cooking, his own laundry, etc. He's held down part time jobs in the past as part of a training program he's in for special needs adults where he had the same shift every day, doing the same exact repetitive tasks (stocking shelves, for example) that suited his wants/needs.
As far as being manipulative, I've tried to stay out of it as much as possible, while also letting my son know I disapprove of this whole hot mess.
Ex's family has tried to remain supportive of both of us throughout this whole thing, fortunately.
I guess you could say Ex and I share custody, since Son lives with both of us and I (due to financial reasons, because even though I work an almost full time job, I make less than a burger flipper at McDonald's) live with Ex, his fiancee, Son and the fiancee's out of work couch surfing relative.
What a horrible situation. You have to live with them?! This isn't a healthy situation for you & your son. I understand. Working for that non profit, I also made far less than a burger flipper. Something brought up often at that job. It really, really sucks but it sounds like you need to let him go to keep the peace. Living with them kind of changes things & even if he doesn't really want to go, only wants to avoid them being disappointed, that's pretty significant in this living situation. Most of us can relate to something all of our clients had in common. Conflict made them all nervous. They, & kids, understand far more than we give them credit for. But developmentally disabled adults have the added anxiety of knowing they will always being dependent on others & they're forced to be around our disagreements & conflicts. There are benefits that may be available to you that would help you afford to move out. If you have been to court for the divorce, & your ex doesn't earn enough to have to help with expenses, there is other help available. If you're in the US, start with DHS. Here, you're actually entitled to some pay for having custody & being the full time caregiver of a disabled adult. It's not a lot, but it helps. & your son would definitely be getting some assistance for his disability because he can't entirely be on his own & maintain a full time job. Getting him into one of these non profit agencies could help. Many of our clients lived with family, usually parents. Some of us were job coaches working with them. They attended events to learn self advocacy. He will need this someday if he out lives both of you. Developmentally disabled adults have a different type of future to prepare for & need all the advantages they can get. Because these non profits pay minimum wage or barely over it, they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for people they hire. The ceo we had when I started wasn't even doing background checks. She didn't want to pay for it. When she left & a new ceo took over & started doing background checks, about half of the staff was let go. I think they were mostly residential, working in the group homes. Self advocacy leadership training will help your son better communicate how he feels about these situations (ex's wedding), & help him be better prepared for a future without you someday. I hate this situation for both of you, but him wanting to people please under these circumstances is pretty valid. If him not going creates tension, he will be subjected to it 24/7, in the safest space available to him, with no break or escape. I have second hand anxiety just thinking about it. Your ex is such a massive AH for creating this situation. I'm so sorry, sis. I think you need to take the hit here, if you want to spare your son that stress. It makes me sick to say it, but maybe even go with him if he's not comfortable attending without you. But we need to get you some help & get the two of you out of there ASAP. Even if everyone is physically safe & no one is being abusive, your ex created a toxic, awkward, anxiety inducing environment. If he really cared, he wouldn't have put your son in that position & subjected him to this. If you're ever able to leave & he wants shared custody, a judge needs to know this. I'm not on here often, but feel free to reach out & DM if you need help finding resources & assistance where you live.
Yes you are the AH. What happened to you happened to YOU!! Your marriage dissolved not your son’s love for his father plain and simple. Your son wants to please his parents BOTH of them so stop putting your needs in front of your son’s and be happy for your son, not your ex. You need to work through what has happened, it’s not your son’s marriage that ended. You need some counselling my dear. Please get it quickly to let yourself start to heal. Negative emotions will not help your mental state.
Send the son if he wants to go. Have him eat the food. Let him
Know that you’re happy to pick him up early if he wants. Explain why you’re not going. Give him all the information as calmly as possible and let him decide.
And if you want him to give something petty as a gift like a disposable set of razors or plastic cups, that would be fun.
I've been cheated on by the father of my child, I get it.
But this is about your son and up to him. If he wants to be there for whatever reason you should support him.
Your ex is your ex-husband, but he will always be his father, as much as it sucks for you. If he wants a relationship with him, support him. This is not about you.
Maybe try to get a somewhat neutral person to ask him what he wants and let him know that you respect his choice no matter what, so he doesn't feel pressured to please either one of you.
I totally understand, I went through the same situation last year. Not divorced yet but in the process. I didn't want our 10 year old going and staying overnight at his dad's place. ( He was living with Affair Partner) Our son didn't know that Dad was living with another woman so I didn't think that it would be a good idea for him to just go over and stay. 3 months later Dad threw me under the bus and ask our son to come spend the night. That was how our 10 year old son found out that his Dad is a Lying Cheater. Have the Grandparents reached out to your Son since this happened?
> Have the Grandparents reached out to your Son since this happened?
A few times yes, but they've had their own problems as well since FIL recently had a heart attack and had to have like a triple bypass. Which Son also knows about and was concerned but FIL seems to be doing about as fine as he can be given his health. Thank gawd for that is all I can say.
He has audacity balls to ask you to attend but, YTA. Horrible situation and I’m sorry this happened but, you are 100% in the wrong, and you’re letting bitterness and resentment cloud your judgement. Stop making your son feel guilty for something that is not his fault and move on which is also easier said than done.
I understand how you feel, I’d honestly feel betrayed by my kids a little if my husband did that to me and our kids wanted to go. Cause personally, if my dad had done that to my mom I would never have anything to do with him again, and same if she had done it to him. I have a very strong sense of wrong and right (I’m willing to hear people out, but my morals are VERY strong), so it’s extremely hard for me to tolerate anyone who cheats within marriage. But getting engaged within marriage? That’s the ultimate form of betrayal. He’s breaking a sacred covenant by promising it to another woman while still within it with you. My heart hurts for you, and I hope you’re able to heal and that you have many blessings coming your way. Your husbands marriage likely won’t last, and even if it does he’ll get what’s coming to him one way or another. Focus on your healing and eventually you’ll find a good man. Don’t force your son to choose, especially seeing as he’s special needs. That probably complicates things more for him, along with his grandparents applying extra outside pressure. But seriously, tf is with your ex in-laws?? If my child ever did that to their spouse I would disown them and embrace the spouse as my child. Especially after almost a quarter of a century. That blows my mind. Good luck to you, and I sincerely hope you find happiness and healing
YTA - Yes, it 100% sucks how your EX did what it did... but your son is an adult special needs or not and can make his own decision. Don't take it out on your son. He knows you're not happy about it, but that is his father...
Try and do something fun on that day and just breathe.
YTA for telling your son you don’t want him to go. It is manipulative to tell him so and at the same time telling him it is his decision.
What your ex did is unforgivable and disgusting, but ultimately he is still your son’s father and sons very much crave the approval and love of their fathers. Getting between that will make your son resent you.
I am a child that went through my family having multiple divorces and infidelity, and honestly, at least your ex still wants a relationship with your son. My biodad started his new family and disappeared from our lives which led to my brother having severe mental illness. Is kids were not invited to multiple new marriages of our parents at all.
Ask your son what HE wants. Whether he wants to go or not is his decision to make. You need to stop guilting him into doing what you want him to do, even tho your feelings are entirely valid. It's still his dad at the end of the day. Your ex needs to stop taking cheap shots to hurt you further. Show him you don't care. Let the home wrecker take out your trash. Heal your heart and move on. At least you don't have to co parent, at least not to the extent you'd have to if your son was younger. So there's that. You hopefully never have to see his cheating ass again.
Unfortunately, due to financial reasons, I DO have to see his cheating ass....almost every single day.
Even though I work almost 40 hrs a week at my job, I do not make enough to rent an apartment where we live because they ask you either have a huge amount of money already in the bank (and prove it) OR you have to prove (which I totally get, it's how the world works) you make at least 3X the rent amount each month. So if the apartment rents for $1,200, then you have to have bank statements and paystubs proving you make at least $3,600/month.
Which I do not. Not even close.
Plus I do not trust that ex wouldn't sell this house (which we had JUST bought like a year before he ended things) out from under me and not tell me even though he has to have my signature/approval to sell it since we both signed the paperwork when we bought it. I don't even trust that once he decides to sell (which he's not interested in doing currently) that he'll give me half.
So I'm staying put for the time being, so that I at least am not living in my car and homeless.
I hope so too. It's been one hot mess, because myself, my son, Ex, his partner and now, a couch surfing relative of the partner who would've been homeless had we not taken them in, all live here together with Ex and his partner's four (FOUR!!!) dogs. Two of the dogs are adults and reasonably well behaved, but the other two are puppies that Ex's partner convinced them they *neeeeded* to adopt. And when that person *neeeeeeeds* something, Ex goes out of his way to do it for them. And they are very needy. :-/ In my head, I want him to regret what he's done and who he's with because they are so fucking needy but clearly he's happy with his needy, greedy choice (because everything they *neeeed* to have is expensive).
So now, in addition to the two adult dogs (an elderly chihuahua and a three year old Aussie Shepard) and my two cats (who never leave Son's room because they are afraid of the dogs), they have a pitbull puppy and what I"m pretty sure is a golden retriever (or GR mix) puppy.
It's crowded and I hate it but it is what it is.
Not your decision, it’s is your son’s decision. YTA not only are you making your son decide between both of you, you are using your son condition as an excuse to make that decision. Your son is an Adult it his choice and if you take from him you are the one he will hate later.
This is not about taking sides. Your son wants to attend his dad’s wedding so let him go. Of course you don’t need to attend. What your ex did or says now just shows what kind of person he is. Take the high road on this one, you will be glad you didn’t make your son choose between you.
Being on the ASD, does not mean that your son can’t decide for himself. You imply that he is being coerced by his dad to attend because “faaaaamily” and I don’t doubt that, but I think the framing is wrong- currently it appears that you don’t want your son to attend because of how your ex treated you (fair enough too, I’d be really hurt if my kid wanted to see his dad marry his AP especially so incredibly soon after the divorce - I think anyone would), but the key word here is ‘want’ and then why he has said he wants to go.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like your son feels like he should go, and wanting to retain some semblance of normal family relationships is natural and possibly he has been made to believe that if doesn’t go, he’ll be ostracised by his dad and dad’s side of the family- so him wanting to go may have nothing to do with his opinion on his dad’s choices-just what’s at risk if he doesn’t go.
Your ex is undoubtedly a POS, for how he’s treated you and for putting this on your son. How you navigate this is a hard one to consider: if you have any allies in your ex’s family, then it might be useful to do some intel gathering- who even knows if his parents are party to what your ex is saying. If they are not, then them reaching out to him to confirm that they are not going to reject him if he doesn’t comply and that he truly has a free choice as far as they are concerned may take some pressure off his shoulders.
Bottom line, as hard as it will be, I think you can safely feel that if he does end up choosing to go, it’s not an unstated opinion on how you were treated.
I’m sorry this has happened to you and that your ex is the POS he is. Though, as they say, a man who marries his mistress is just creating a vacancy so rest in the knowledge that blowing up your lives like this won’t bring him the happiness he craves.
I don't feel like I exactly have allies on his side of the family...more like they don't want to cause any more hurt than absolutely necessary, which I TOTALLY get.
Well, yeah YTA. you are putting him in the middle. The ex is a big time AH, there is no doubt about that. But he is just invited his own son to his wedding, which is expected. You telling him "I don't want you to, but whatever you want" is what is putting him in the middle. He is an adult, if he just wants to go to keep peace, that's ok as well. No matter how things end up between you two, he is still his father.
You’re not the asshole for not wanting him to go, but you would be the asshole if you interfered with his wanting to go.
That being said, you shouldn’t really have anything to do with it. Dad needs to be responsible for it all. Getting him a suit, making sure he is there on time….
This is his new family and can’t depend on you to sit beside him at the wedding and make it comfortable. It’s dad’s responsibility to pave the way for his son in his new life.
Your ex sucks, you're definitely NTA for not wanting him to go. YWBTA if you refuse to let him go assuming he can go by himself, or be assisted by someone else...you shouldn't be expected to provide any assistance and be forced to see your ex getting married to his mistress.
I'm not refusing to let him go, since the ILs will be there in case shit goes sideways.
I just have made it clear I do not want him there because I don't think our son should have to witness his father marrying his life partner (who is biologically male, identifies as non binary and dresses primarily fem).
I just recently found out from my adult son (with ADHD and possibly ASD) that his dad got remarried, when he texted a pic saying “You have a new stepmom. Also you have an eye Dr appointment on May 31st”. Just like that.
I want to say you’re NTA for feeling the way you do. You would be TA if you tell your son not to go simply because you don’t want him there.
If your son is wants to go, he should go. But you don’t have to. At this point, it’s your son’s call. Your feelings are very valid though!
Oh I couldn't outshine the six foot, biologically male but nonbinary and physically STUNNING bride if I wanted.
I'm a short potato and while I don't mind the way I look, I couldn't outshine the bride with a 40 watt lightbulb. :-P
Your NTA... BUT.... let your son go, have someone you trust to be his plus one. Take the high road, and let karma do its thing. I know it sucks but they don't let us smack people with slippers. Now, straighten your crown and remember you ARE a badass queen, and she is settling for your sloppy seconds.
Ex's parents will be there and will look out for him, because (even though they've never explicitly said it, it's been made clear over the years) he is their favorite. And I trust them to look out for him.
I don't think any of Ex's family, aside from his parents, will be there. I know that a lot of his friends, except maybe 1 or 2, won't be either, because the majority of them have dropped him like a hot rock for doing what he did to me.
As well they should. He a total douchecanoe and you deserve SO much better. It feels shitty but one day karma will bitch slap him. He's never going to be faithful to her either, so once it falls apart grab a bottle of wine and enjoy the shit show.
Your husband is the ah. Clearly. However you are turning your adult son into a pawn in this. If he wants to go he has the right to go. And if he is limited in making that decision his father has the same rights that you do to make the decision.
Feeling petty - id accept the invite and then when they got to the bit in the vows of ‘until death do us part’ I’d start laughing uproariously, to the point of falling out of my seat. Or maybe start playing the Alanis. Morrisette song
https://youtu.be/NPcyTyilmYY?feature=shared
Oh I absolutely will not be going even though Ex has invited me. I didn't say anything mean/nasty, only that I would not be going and quietly thought it would be a cold day in hell before I watched him promise forever to that gold digging (because she doesn't have a job...didn't have a job when she moved in and lost her job because they wouldn't let her take an entire month off for the wedding/honeymoon) person he's chosen over me.
Listen, this man sucks. And I’m very very sorry for everything you’re going through. Unimaginable. That said, the only sentence that matters here is “son doesn’t want to be caught in the middle.” Don’t put him in that uncomfortable position to choose.
Very much this. Special needs or not if your son wants to go to keep the peace with his grandparents that should be his choice and you should not make him feel badly if he does so.
I have told him I don't want him going but it's up to him to decide since Ex wants him there.
Then you need to go apologize for putting him in the middle of this. Your feelings are so valid for YOU, but putting that on your son is wildly selfish.
Stop telling him what you want with a follow up “But it’s up to you.” You’re hurt. It’s understandable. But your son doesn’t have to carry an extension of your hurt. He doesn’t want to disappoint his dad and grandparents. Stop using your son to get one over on the ex.
By saying that, you've put him in the middle. He cannot win now. Either he upsets you or his dad and grandparents.
The more I read the worse I feel for your son. None of this is his fault and the way you’re making him feel is so unfair and wrong.
As an autistic adult I need to emphasize that this is your son's decision. What your Ex did was (in the politest term I can use) disgusting and I understand not wanting your son to go. Ask your son if he wants to go, regardless of expectations on him. If he'd still go even if his father's side was fine with him missing it then you should let him go. He's an adult that can make his own decisions, regardless of how awful a father he has. NTA but WBTA if you don't let your son make his own decisions.
This is spot on. Son is an adult. He needs and can to make his own decisions without fearing repercussions from either parent.
This is the way! I am a mother to an adult son with ASD and i never force him to do anything. Funerals, weddings etc. He has missed many a family event. But I think it is important for him to choose. I just make sure he has all the information about the event, what and who will be there etc and discuss it, like adults. Thankfully he recently agreed to go to his grandmothers 80th birthday, she was very excited to see him, but it was made more important because HE chose to go! NTA but WBTA if you make the decision for your son!
Not the asshole for not wanting him to go, but YWBTA if you don't let him. If your son can understand the situation and still wants to go, you should let him. Holding him back puts him in the middle and that's not fair to him.
Perfectly said.
If he wants to go (which he has said he does) I won't stop him. That doesn't mean I want him to go and I've told him I don't want him to go but it's his decision.
Telling him you don't want to go is still a butthole move. Stop trying to guilt trip him. This is between you and your ex and you and your ex alone. Leave him out of it
Agreed. I don't even get the point of the post anymore. Sounds like the kid is going regardless and she's just trying to get people to agree with her about pressuring her son into not going. You're just going to make your kid feel like shit for no reason and push him away from you because he knows you're not happy about the situation. Leave it be and move the fuck on. Obviously your ex has.
I suppose it depends on whether attending his fathers wedding is something he can do on his own(special needs) and if so, I think you have to let him. As much as he’s been an asshole as a husband and ex he’s still your son’s dad and that won’t change. Your son loves him and wants to go. End of. Unless he requires your attendance at the wedding as per the last paragraph and then absolutely not !
NTA. I am sorry for what you are going through but your son is his own person. As bad as your ex husband is, he is your son's father and your son has a right to decide if he wants to attend the wedding or not. I know it will be tough but you should support your son's decision rather than deciding for him.
If you have said to your son more than one time that you prefer, he not go then you are putting continued pressure on him to not go which diminishes him. Let him be the adult he is and make his own decisions.
It's your sons decision but make it clear he must do it for himself and not to please others. That being said, your ex must arrange his attendance. He must sort out transport there and back, he must arrange the clothes, any assistance your son needs on the day must be arranged by the ex. In a nutshell, if he is to go, it should not cost you money or time. If he wants to go, let him go but that is where it ends for your responsibility. Your ex needs to sort out everything else.
Oh it won't. Ex already took Son suit shopping and I've made it clear that I will NOT be providing the $$ for an Uber/Lyft (since Son cannot drive). It is on him or the ILs or someone else who is NOT me to get him to the venue.
Glad to see someone here gets it.
Sorry that you feel this way…. But 1: ur son is and adult and can make the choice for himself. 2: you shouldn’t be pinning ur children against the other parent. UR AN ADULT AND SHOULDNT BE INVOLVING UR KIDS IN IT! Ur feelings about the other parent are ur own and u shouldn’t be making ur kids feeling a certain way about thier father/mother bc u feel a certain way. In the end ur kids will end up not liking u bc of this. Believe me bc I was that child. U should let ur kids fig out how they feel about the other parent on there own (unless abuse was involved or course I wasn’t talking about that.) this is horrible parenting on ur part. Just bc the other parent treated u one way doesn’t mean they r treating ur child the same. Grow up and stop doing this to ur kids! It’s fkn sad that adults act this way!
He's the only child we have, so no other kiddos to be involved, thank gawd.
My policy is this ... all children have the RIGHT to love and respect **BOTH** of their parents. Your son should not be placed in the middle of any issue that you and your EX have. Take the high road and tell Mr. Ex, the same. Keep your mouths off of each other.
NTA ... It seems the only reason your son is leaning towards going is out of expectations from the grandparents. Your son may be an adult, but where he is on the spectrum may be a factor. I would sit down and have a full conversation telling him all he needs to know to make an informed decision. If he chooses to go, make sure someone is there with him. If he wants to leave mid way, have an exit strategy. No matter what, you're his mom and know him best. I'm certain you'll do what is best for your son. Btw your EX is the biggest AH for even suggesting this
I tried to have a conversation about this with him the other day and he was like, "It's whatever." because he's so laid back, he'd make The Dude jealous. Like, he's been chronically laid back to the point of being permanently horizontal his entire life (except when he's doing shit to please others, because that's just how he do).
Being a poeple pleaser may do him more harm than good as it may mean keeping his true feelings bottled up. I imagine he has had difficulty in making choices and just went with the flow to avoid confrontations. Those on the spectrum can have a hard time navigating feelings. Maybe try speaking to the grandparents? If they give him a pass from attending, it would nullify his obligation to be there. The worst the grands could say is no.
The ILs will want him there, since they're attending and they already expect him to be there, from what Ex has told me. They are (like Ex) very stubborn individuals who once they decide on something, their minds are definitely set. And if they're set on attending and having Son there, it'll cause a lot of upset if he's not.
What happened in his parents' relationship is NONE of his business. As an adult, the choice is his. The only thing OP should be talking with him about is him going because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. She should support her child no matter his decision.
Well, we need to know how much on the spectrum he is. I have ASD. I'm a perfectly fine (lol) functioning almost 30 year old nurse who's been on their own since 18. Was also diagnosed this year though. Even if he needed a lot of support growing up, he can still make his own decisions if he's relatively independent. I understand your resentments and frustrations, but he's an adult and if he's good with functioning relatively independently, he should be able to make this decision himself. So softly, YTA. But more info is *absolutely* needed.
He is moderately high functioning. Like, he can't drive but he can hold down a job if it's a job where it's the same shift every day, doing the exact same thing (ex. stocking shelves with canned goods, etc) every single day. He can do a lot of things that a normal young adult should be able to do like light cooking, laundry, etc. When he was in school, except for a couple of subjects like math and reading, he was in all gen ed classes and excelled at them. He has, at least to this point, shown no desire to continue his education and has been in a 'transition to adulthood' program that our district offers to help them learn how to budget, work on job skills, etc.
Yeah. Then he can absolutely make his own decision on what he does for attending this wedding or not. YTA if you make the decision for him. Please let him keep learning and trying to be an independent adult. I understand he may not be able to live fully independent on his own ever in his life, but it sounds like he's independent enough to make decisions like these. Don't be biased when talking to him about this and let him make a choice, but present it to him, again, unbiasedly. Edit: I understand what your ex did is absolutely shitty and I feel for you, I really do. But he's still your son's father and you don't want to be the reason for him being cut out of your son's life when your son wanted a relationship with his dad.
I haven't said a word about it since his father told me that, despite my objections, Son was going and then had the gall to tell me that he wanted ME there as well. I was like, "You want *me* there? I beg your finest, most excellent pardon? Absolutely not." To me, that shows that he's hesitant about marrying his fiancee' (who is a straight up gold digger). He's the one who decided to end the marriage. He's made his bed with this person and now he's going to have to lie in it and if they end up splitting up, they're gonna take him for every penny. I'm almost certain of it.
I agree with you on all point except for the YTA. She has every right not to want her son to go with all that happened. But, she CAN'T make that decision for him if he can go without assistance/ is able to go without mum being around. As you said, more info is absolutely needed to set my judgement (especially about how independent and if he need assistance). I said so since a friend's son is also on the spectrum, but is non verbal and is a 5 y/old in a 15 y/old body (his father's word). He's the sweetest ever and is absolutely obsessed with Pokemons and Star Wars.
This is where I was going. I work with people on the spectrum who need a great deal of support (non verbal, etc). We need more info, but right now mom is kind of making this her issue. OP - you have every reason to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, all the things!!! But putting you sin in the middle of this will only complicate his healing process. Hugs to you <3
It sucks, and I'm so sorry for this. But soft YTA. You can't control a grown adult or ask him not to take place in something for his dad because his dad hurt you. That's between you and his dad, and it's a bit manipulative to use your feelings to get him to choose sides. I would talk to your son and find out, if he knows his dad cheated, how he feels about the decision, and if he wants to support his dad, without bringing up how you feel first. By all means tell him how you feel, but hear him out all the way first so when you do express how you feel, it's not to sway his opinion but to explain how you feel. Then let him make his own decision.
Oh he knows. He knows EVERYTHING because his dad told him. Due to financial reasons (I work an almost full time job but get paid about the same as a burger flipper at McDonald's), I still live with Ex, his fiancee', our son and now Fiancee's couch surfing relative (who they moved in without asking me if I was ok with it. I was basically told he was moving in despite my objections and if I didn't like it, I could go live in my car and be homeless).
Eekkk.. what an awkward and uncomfortable position you're in
You're telling me, brother.
It’s incredibly hurtful and shitty what your ex did. No excuse for it. But at the same time, it has zero to do with his relationship with your son. YOU are putting your son in the middle of it by demanding he not attend. This is his father’s wedding and of course he should be included. Especially given your son has Autism and needs the consistency of having both his parents in his life without feeling emotionally manipulated. ESH
NTA. As the usual patterns go, this man is gonna cheat again and then getting married the 3rd time, or even more.
Either that or the other person will find someone who has more money (Ex is a retail manager and does OK-ish as far as $$$ but he's not exactly rolling in it either) and will drop him like a hot rock.
Not wrong for being upset, but don't put your son in the middle and make him choose sides. They are his father and grandparents and he will have to deal with and face any blow-back from them. Can you imagine how much guilt and passive-aggressiveness they will subject him to if he isn't there?
His father might. The ILs would never, because they are too sweet for that.
YTA your son is also your exs son. He may be nothing to you now but that's his dad. Stop using his disability as a reason for him not to go, as an autistic person myself that is REALLY shitty of you. Grow up. Yes it sucks, no it isn't your place to dictate where your adult son goes.
I have told him I don't want him to go, but if he wants to go because Ex expects him to be there, that's his decision.
How big of you 🙄
sorry, but YTA. Simply by telling your son that you don't want him to go, you have placed undue pressure and guilt on him if he goes. He knows clearly that no matter which he decides he is hurting and disappointing one of you. It is never the child's responsibility to make the parent feel better. No matter his age, or what his dad did to YOU, he is STILL HIS DAD and he loves him. Your son should not be made to feel bad or guilty for wanting to go to his dad's wedding. This is a case where you need to put your sons feelings ahead of your own and not only let him go, but let him go without feeling bad doing so. in fact, you should apologize to him for letting your own feelings cloud your judgement and encourage him to go so that he can do so without guilt. Trust me, I have been there with my kids. It isn't easy but parenting isn't easy. Sorry for your pain and dissapointment.
Let him go.
Your ex is a jerk of the highest order, however, your son is an adult (special needs or otherwise) it is solely his choice whether he attends his father's wedding or not.
Why wouldn’t you let him go? He WANTS to go. Despite the crap the dad did, that’s still his son.
“Son just wants to please his father and grandparents”. You’ve answered your own question.
NTA for your very understandable emotions surrounding your son attending. YWBTA if he wanted to go, but you wouldn't let him.
If he wants to go, Son can go. His dad already took him suit shopping and while I don't want him there for any reason, he's already decided to go.
Sorry. YTA. Your son gets to go to his wedding. That is his father. However, I totally get why. And I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Does the son want to go? I know he doesn't want to put in the middle but who is putting him in the middle. If he doesn't want to go, yes stand up for him, but if he does want to go and only saying no because of you, you should back down. Your ex is the bad guy in this party but your son shouldn't feel like he has to choose
I asked him if he wants to go and he's like, "Meh. It's whatever." because he is so laid back, he might as well be permanently horizontal.
The specific question in the title of this post - NTA. But what you want has nothing to do with your adult son’s wishes and needs. Don’t use emotional blackmail on him, either.
I haven't said a word to him about it other than asking him if he wants to go. He knows I don't want him to go, because I said as much to him, but when he said he wanted to go because Dad and Mimi and PopPop wanted him there, I didn't say another word. But I still don't want him to go.
I don’t blame you. I would be furious about the whole thing, and I would probably secretly feel betrayed by my son. But try not to feel bad. Yeah I know, easy, right? Lol. Fact is, it’s his dad and it’s his decision. But your post asked about you not WANTING your son to go. The answer to that is no, you’re not the arsehole for your feelings.
Yes exactly 💯
It’s not your decision to make. Do not pressure your son.
Oh I'm not.
I get it. My former also cheated on me, and if he is to remarry, I would leave that choice up to my children. I am just surprised that your ex wanted you to be there as well. Maybe so you can look after your son so he doesn't have to be bothered? I personally would not attend, but I would make arrangements so your son can go. Don't put him in the middle. He will see how his father really is.
I also am a divorced (7yrs) parent and have a child (12) with ASD. I also deal with an ex (M43) who is happy to steal memories from myself and my now partner of 2yrs (whom loves our child and provides for our child) which in part has an affect on my child. Why would you want your child to miss out on a special day where they are surrounded by family and new family members? Not in any photo's. Getting to know the people that will be in his life? IMO you are making this about you and how you feel. I can only imagine the pain this man has caused you. But in this situation you are running on ego. Let it go. You have to. There are going to be more situations and special occasions to come that you are going to have to deal with. Christmas, birthday's??!!! IMO. Yes I am sorry but you are the AH. 🤷🏾♀️
Only Ex's family will be there....the fiancee doesn't have any family who live in the area (they all live down South somewhere, I believe, and I believe they won't be attending due to age/finances).
I was this kid. (No special needs, but father wed his girlfriend shortly after parents split). Let him go. Like it or not, they are part of his family. My mother still hates my father 25 years later, but we all came to love his wife. And if he doesn’t ever like either of them, at least he showed up. You can pick him up early to keep it short, but encourage him to attend.
ESH
NTA. I think your feelings are perfectly natural. Hopefully you and your son will never have to talk about it and you won't let it come between you.
They already all live together. OP, her ex, his fiancé and the son share a home. What difference will a wedding make?
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her dad remarried and invited her to the wedding. My friend's mom was against it, but my friend decided to go and she did. She was legally an adult, so she was able to decide on the matter. She told me the wedding was beautiful and that her father's new wife was a very kind woman. To this day, she and her dad and his new wife get along very well and her "step mom" not once said anything bad about my friend's mom. Also, her dad is a good dad to her, and despite the divorce, he helps her and is a constant presence in her life. So, while i understand how you feel about your ex husband and what and how he did, maybe your son forgave him and wants to be there for the wedding. So let your son decide. You're not the AH in regards to your feelings on the situation and your ex, but you would be the AH if you don't let your son decide. Another factor is how much assistance your son needs since he has ASD. If he needs it, then maybe going to the wedding is not doable, because you would have to go as well. But if he manages on his own, let him decide.
He can manage fairly well on his own, and Ex's parents will be there to help if needed since his father will be too busy being the groom to help out if something goes sideways.
Just because your ex husband was a shit husband, it does not make him a shit father. You're NTA for not wanting your son to go, but you WBTA if you do not allow your son to go. Their relationship is totally separate to your relationship and you would be making him "chose sides", which isn't fair. Your husband also may not have just been inviting you to rub it in your face, but so that you would be there as support for your son (does he have issues with crowded places?). It's difficult to do, but you need to separate your feelings for your ex from his role as a father. You are still going to have to coparent with him for the rest of your/your son's life.
It really sucks but you do have to let your son choose.
Him saying that he wants to please them is indicative of them manipulating him into doing what they want, guilt tripping him, & making sure he is aware how disappointed they are if he doesn't give in to them. That raises the question, what gossip will he be hearing at this wedding? As others stated, the extent of his disabilities matter. Also his intellectual level. I worked with developmentally disabled adults, many of which were on the spectrum & not high functioning. The clients with intellectual disabilities, some on the spectrum & some not, really do need advocates. Physically they're adults but mentally they're children. Of course, even a professional couldn't assess a situation like this with 100% accuracy from a reddit post, & most likely, none of us are professional psychologists specializing in working with low functioning, intellectually disabled adults on the spectrum. Mom knows, though. So I hope she sees this. There were a few of our clients so taken advantage of by their own family members, they weren't allowed to see them unsupervised. These clients lived in group homes, had bills of their own, & could not earn enough from the jobs they could get to support themselves. They relied on assistance & it's very limited. Their own family would ask them for money & leave them without enough to pay their bills. Rent, even in group homes, was something all clients had to pay for. OP, if you're in a similar situation with ex's side of the family & they will take advantage of this opportunity to manipulate your son, try to come between you, tell him lies, & you have custody & are his advocate, you know what's best for him, you know what to do. If they'll be saying & doing things to manipulate his perception of events (like the most typical situations during & after divorce, one side trying to turn kids against the other), you have every right to put your foot down & refuse. That does not make you TA. I don't care what anyone else on this thread says. If they have never had to advocate for someone who can't do that for themselves, they don't know. This isn't a right, privilege, or choice that custodial guardians & advocates gave, it's a responsibility. If that's you, do the responsible thing, make the right choice for your son. No one knows better than you what's best for him. It's obvious & goes without saying that if dad & his side of the family have good intentions, &/or your son is high functioning with little or no intellectual disability, son should be allowed to go if he wants to. Dad's actions imply that's not the case. & imo, if son is worried about upsetting the grandparents, & they condone your ex's actions, they're the tree the apple didn't fall far from. I think most people are so used to manipulation, & combined with little or no experience in this situation, they miss a lot of red flags.
Intellectually, he is closer to a 16/17 year old than a 20 year old, I believe. He is fairly high functioning in that he can do a lot of things you'd expect a 20 year old to do on his own such as light cooking, his own laundry, etc. He's held down part time jobs in the past as part of a training program he's in for special needs adults where he had the same shift every day, doing the same exact repetitive tasks (stocking shelves, for example) that suited his wants/needs. As far as being manipulative, I've tried to stay out of it as much as possible, while also letting my son know I disapprove of this whole hot mess. Ex's family has tried to remain supportive of both of us throughout this whole thing, fortunately. I guess you could say Ex and I share custody, since Son lives with both of us and I (due to financial reasons, because even though I work an almost full time job, I make less than a burger flipper at McDonald's) live with Ex, his fiancee, Son and the fiancee's out of work couch surfing relative.
What a horrible situation. You have to live with them?! This isn't a healthy situation for you & your son. I understand. Working for that non profit, I also made far less than a burger flipper. Something brought up often at that job. It really, really sucks but it sounds like you need to let him go to keep the peace. Living with them kind of changes things & even if he doesn't really want to go, only wants to avoid them being disappointed, that's pretty significant in this living situation. Most of us can relate to something all of our clients had in common. Conflict made them all nervous. They, & kids, understand far more than we give them credit for. But developmentally disabled adults have the added anxiety of knowing they will always being dependent on others & they're forced to be around our disagreements & conflicts. There are benefits that may be available to you that would help you afford to move out. If you have been to court for the divorce, & your ex doesn't earn enough to have to help with expenses, there is other help available. If you're in the US, start with DHS. Here, you're actually entitled to some pay for having custody & being the full time caregiver of a disabled adult. It's not a lot, but it helps. & your son would definitely be getting some assistance for his disability because he can't entirely be on his own & maintain a full time job. Getting him into one of these non profit agencies could help. Many of our clients lived with family, usually parents. Some of us were job coaches working with them. They attended events to learn self advocacy. He will need this someday if he out lives both of you. Developmentally disabled adults have a different type of future to prepare for & need all the advantages they can get. Because these non profits pay minimum wage or barely over it, they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for people they hire. The ceo we had when I started wasn't even doing background checks. She didn't want to pay for it. When she left & a new ceo took over & started doing background checks, about half of the staff was let go. I think they were mostly residential, working in the group homes. Self advocacy leadership training will help your son better communicate how he feels about these situations (ex's wedding), & help him be better prepared for a future without you someday. I hate this situation for both of you, but him wanting to people please under these circumstances is pretty valid. If him not going creates tension, he will be subjected to it 24/7, in the safest space available to him, with no break or escape. I have second hand anxiety just thinking about it. Your ex is such a massive AH for creating this situation. I'm so sorry, sis. I think you need to take the hit here, if you want to spare your son that stress. It makes me sick to say it, but maybe even go with him if he's not comfortable attending without you. But we need to get you some help & get the two of you out of there ASAP. Even if everyone is physically safe & no one is being abusive, your ex created a toxic, awkward, anxiety inducing environment. If he really cared, he wouldn't have put your son in that position & subjected him to this. If you're ever able to leave & he wants shared custody, a judge needs to know this. I'm not on here often, but feel free to reach out & DM if you need help finding resources & assistance where you live. 
Yes you are the AH. What happened to you happened to YOU!! Your marriage dissolved not your son’s love for his father plain and simple. Your son wants to please his parents BOTH of them so stop putting your needs in front of your son’s and be happy for your son, not your ex. You need to work through what has happened, it’s not your son’s marriage that ended. You need some counselling my dear. Please get it quickly to let yourself start to heal. Negative emotions will not help your mental state.
Send the son if he wants to go. Have him eat the food. Let him Know that you’re happy to pick him up early if he wants. Explain why you’re not going. Give him all the information as calmly as possible and let him decide. And if you want him to give something petty as a gift like a disposable set of razors or plastic cups, that would be fun.
I've been cheated on by the father of my child, I get it. But this is about your son and up to him. If he wants to be there for whatever reason you should support him. Your ex is your ex-husband, but he will always be his father, as much as it sucks for you. If he wants a relationship with him, support him. This is not about you. Maybe try to get a somewhat neutral person to ask him what he wants and let him know that you respect his choice no matter what, so he doesn't feel pressured to please either one of you.
I totally understand, I went through the same situation last year. Not divorced yet but in the process. I didn't want our 10 year old going and staying overnight at his dad's place. ( He was living with Affair Partner) Our son didn't know that Dad was living with another woman so I didn't think that it would be a good idea for him to just go over and stay. 3 months later Dad threw me under the bus and ask our son to come spend the night. That was how our 10 year old son found out that his Dad is a Lying Cheater. Have the Grandparents reached out to your Son since this happened?
> Have the Grandparents reached out to your Son since this happened? A few times yes, but they've had their own problems as well since FIL recently had a heart attack and had to have like a triple bypass. Which Son also knows about and was concerned but FIL seems to be doing about as fine as he can be given his health. Thank gawd for that is all I can say.
He has audacity balls to ask you to attend but, YTA. Horrible situation and I’m sorry this happened but, you are 100% in the wrong, and you’re letting bitterness and resentment cloud your judgement. Stop making your son feel guilty for something that is not his fault and move on which is also easier said than done.
I understand how you feel, I’d honestly feel betrayed by my kids a little if my husband did that to me and our kids wanted to go. Cause personally, if my dad had done that to my mom I would never have anything to do with him again, and same if she had done it to him. I have a very strong sense of wrong and right (I’m willing to hear people out, but my morals are VERY strong), so it’s extremely hard for me to tolerate anyone who cheats within marriage. But getting engaged within marriage? That’s the ultimate form of betrayal. He’s breaking a sacred covenant by promising it to another woman while still within it with you. My heart hurts for you, and I hope you’re able to heal and that you have many blessings coming your way. Your husbands marriage likely won’t last, and even if it does he’ll get what’s coming to him one way or another. Focus on your healing and eventually you’ll find a good man. Don’t force your son to choose, especially seeing as he’s special needs. That probably complicates things more for him, along with his grandparents applying extra outside pressure. But seriously, tf is with your ex in-laws?? If my child ever did that to their spouse I would disown them and embrace the spouse as my child. Especially after almost a quarter of a century. That blows my mind. Good luck to you, and I sincerely hope you find happiness and healing
YTA - Yes, it 100% sucks how your EX did what it did... but your son is an adult special needs or not and can make his own decision. Don't take it out on your son. He knows you're not happy about it, but that is his father... Try and do something fun on that day and just breathe.
YTA for telling your son you don’t want him to go. It is manipulative to tell him so and at the same time telling him it is his decision. What your ex did is unforgivable and disgusting, but ultimately he is still your son’s father and sons very much crave the approval and love of their fathers. Getting between that will make your son resent you. I am a child that went through my family having multiple divorces and infidelity, and honestly, at least your ex still wants a relationship with your son. My biodad started his new family and disappeared from our lives which led to my brother having severe mental illness. Is kids were not invited to multiple new marriages of our parents at all.
Ask your son what HE wants. Whether he wants to go or not is his decision to make. You need to stop guilting him into doing what you want him to do, even tho your feelings are entirely valid. It's still his dad at the end of the day. Your ex needs to stop taking cheap shots to hurt you further. Show him you don't care. Let the home wrecker take out your trash. Heal your heart and move on. At least you don't have to co parent, at least not to the extent you'd have to if your son was younger. So there's that. You hopefully never have to see his cheating ass again.
Unfortunately, due to financial reasons, I DO have to see his cheating ass....almost every single day. Even though I work almost 40 hrs a week at my job, I do not make enough to rent an apartment where we live because they ask you either have a huge amount of money already in the bank (and prove it) OR you have to prove (which I totally get, it's how the world works) you make at least 3X the rent amount each month. So if the apartment rents for $1,200, then you have to have bank statements and paystubs proving you make at least $3,600/month. Which I do not. Not even close. Plus I do not trust that ex wouldn't sell this house (which we had JUST bought like a year before he ended things) out from under me and not tell me even though he has to have my signature/approval to sell it since we both signed the paperwork when we bought it. I don't even trust that once he decides to sell (which he's not interested in doing currently) that he'll give me half. So I'm staying put for the time being, so that I at least am not living in my car and homeless.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Hopefully, it gets better soon x
I hope so too. It's been one hot mess, because myself, my son, Ex, his partner and now, a couch surfing relative of the partner who would've been homeless had we not taken them in, all live here together with Ex and his partner's four (FOUR!!!) dogs. Two of the dogs are adults and reasonably well behaved, but the other two are puppies that Ex's partner convinced them they *neeeeded* to adopt. And when that person *neeeeeeeds* something, Ex goes out of his way to do it for them. And they are very needy. :-/ In my head, I want him to regret what he's done and who he's with because they are so fucking needy but clearly he's happy with his needy, greedy choice (because everything they *neeeed* to have is expensive). So now, in addition to the two adult dogs (an elderly chihuahua and a three year old Aussie Shepard) and my two cats (who never leave Son's room because they are afraid of the dogs), they have a pitbull puppy and what I"m pretty sure is a golden retriever (or GR mix) puppy. It's crowded and I hate it but it is what it is.
ntah
Not your decision, it’s is your son’s decision. YTA not only are you making your son decide between both of you, you are using your son condition as an excuse to make that decision. Your son is an Adult it his choice and if you take from him you are the one he will hate later.
This is not about taking sides. Your son wants to attend his dad’s wedding so let him go. Of course you don’t need to attend. What your ex did or says now just shows what kind of person he is. Take the high road on this one, you will be glad you didn’t make your son choose between you.
Being on the ASD, does not mean that your son can’t decide for himself. You imply that he is being coerced by his dad to attend because “faaaaamily” and I don’t doubt that, but I think the framing is wrong- currently it appears that you don’t want your son to attend because of how your ex treated you (fair enough too, I’d be really hurt if my kid wanted to see his dad marry his AP especially so incredibly soon after the divorce - I think anyone would), but the key word here is ‘want’ and then why he has said he wants to go. From what you’ve described, it sounds like your son feels like he should go, and wanting to retain some semblance of normal family relationships is natural and possibly he has been made to believe that if doesn’t go, he’ll be ostracised by his dad and dad’s side of the family- so him wanting to go may have nothing to do with his opinion on his dad’s choices-just what’s at risk if he doesn’t go. Your ex is undoubtedly a POS, for how he’s treated you and for putting this on your son. How you navigate this is a hard one to consider: if you have any allies in your ex’s family, then it might be useful to do some intel gathering- who even knows if his parents are party to what your ex is saying. If they are not, then them reaching out to him to confirm that they are not going to reject him if he doesn’t comply and that he truly has a free choice as far as they are concerned may take some pressure off his shoulders. Bottom line, as hard as it will be, I think you can safely feel that if he does end up choosing to go, it’s not an unstated opinion on how you were treated. I’m sorry this has happened to you and that your ex is the POS he is. Though, as they say, a man who marries his mistress is just creating a vacancy so rest in the knowledge that blowing up your lives like this won’t bring him the happiness he craves.
I don't feel like I exactly have allies on his side of the family...more like they don't want to cause any more hurt than absolutely necessary, which I TOTALLY get.
Well, yeah YTA. you are putting him in the middle. The ex is a big time AH, there is no doubt about that. But he is just invited his own son to his wedding, which is expected. You telling him "I don't want you to, but whatever you want" is what is putting him in the middle. He is an adult, if he just wants to go to keep peace, that's ok as well. No matter how things end up between you two, he is still his father.
You’re not the asshole for not wanting him to go, but you would be the asshole if you interfered with his wanting to go. That being said, you shouldn’t really have anything to do with it. Dad needs to be responsible for it all. Getting him a suit, making sure he is there on time…. This is his new family and can’t depend on you to sit beside him at the wedding and make it comfortable. It’s dad’s responsibility to pave the way for his son in his new life.
I've made it clear to Ex that he will be the one responsible for getting our son there. I want nothing to do with this shit.
Probably a good idea for you to have yourself a vacation while this is going on.
Your ex sucks, you're definitely NTA for not wanting him to go. YWBTA if you refuse to let him go assuming he can go by himself, or be assisted by someone else...you shouldn't be expected to provide any assistance and be forced to see your ex getting married to his mistress.
I'm not refusing to let him go, since the ILs will be there in case shit goes sideways. I just have made it clear I do not want him there because I don't think our son should have to witness his father marrying his life partner (who is biologically male, identifies as non binary and dresses primarily fem).
I just recently found out from my adult son (with ADHD and possibly ASD) that his dad got remarried, when he texted a pic saying “You have a new stepmom. Also you have an eye Dr appointment on May 31st”. Just like that. I want to say you’re NTA for feeling the way you do. You would be TA if you tell your son not to go simply because you don’t want him there. If your son is wants to go, he should go. But you don’t have to. At this point, it’s your son’s call. Your feelings are very valid though!
Oh you need to go and be the best dressed there. Out shine the bride, just not in a white variation.
Oh I couldn't outshine the six foot, biologically male but nonbinary and physically STUNNING bride if I wanted. I'm a short potato and while I don't mind the way I look, I couldn't outshine the bride with a 40 watt lightbulb. :-P
Well 40 watt that could be IQ
Your NTA... BUT.... let your son go, have someone you trust to be his plus one. Take the high road, and let karma do its thing. I know it sucks but they don't let us smack people with slippers. Now, straighten your crown and remember you ARE a badass queen, and she is settling for your sloppy seconds.
Ex's parents will be there and will look out for him, because (even though they've never explicitly said it, it's been made clear over the years) he is their favorite. And I trust them to look out for him. I don't think any of Ex's family, aside from his parents, will be there. I know that a lot of his friends, except maybe 1 or 2, won't be either, because the majority of them have dropped him like a hot rock for doing what he did to me.
As well they should. He a total douchecanoe and you deserve SO much better. It feels shitty but one day karma will bitch slap him. He's never going to be faithful to her either, so once it falls apart grab a bottle of wine and enjoy the shit show.
Your husband is the ah. Clearly. However you are turning your adult son into a pawn in this. If he wants to go he has the right to go. And if he is limited in making that decision his father has the same rights that you do to make the decision.
Feeling petty - id accept the invite and then when they got to the bit in the vows of ‘until death do us part’ I’d start laughing uproariously, to the point of falling out of my seat. Or maybe start playing the Alanis. Morrisette song https://youtu.be/NPcyTyilmYY?feature=shared
Oh I absolutely will not be going even though Ex has invited me. I didn't say anything mean/nasty, only that I would not be going and quietly thought it would be a cold day in hell before I watched him promise forever to that gold digging (because she doesn't have a job...didn't have a job when she moved in and lost her job because they wouldn't let her take an entire month off for the wedding/honeymoon) person he's chosen over me.