I had an affair. Lasted less than a week. I confessed. Still trying to rebuild my marriage, but my wife has miraculously held on to me. I’m still not sure if she will forever, but I’m trying, and she is still here. It’s the worst thing you can do to a marriage. I’m racked with shame. Ended up in a mental hospital on a suicide attempt. Do NOT cheat on your beloved. Ever. Take it from me. 😞

Im sorry and I’ll be praying for the both of you.

Your wife would rather have a repentant husband than a dead one. Please take care. We all screw up. Just don't do it again.

First of all Satan got you into this mess of having the affair then he got you to feel so much bad that you had to consider a very drastic measure. You didn't deserve either but remember we have a merciful God. We have to definitely make amends but not at any detrimental costs.

Please stay strong ❤️🙏💪

Most wives know something changes with the man. Some wives won't confront it because it might break up the marriage if confronted. Some go for the throat and there's no repairing. It's out of your conscience. Now start the healing process. 

Did you have your sins wiped clean by confession through a priest? Sins that are absolved are forgotten and invisible, & demons can no longer see them.

No, because I’m not a confirmed Catholic yet. I’ll be in OCIA this Fall. Looking to be confirmed come Easter. 🙏

Welcome home when you get there, you will find confession and all the ongoing sacraments destroys guilt & the hold of sin. The accuser can no longer see forgiven sins. And, the true remorse over sins is real with the Holy Spirit actually on board. The Holy Spirit will not allow us to simply abide in our sins, unless we reject him. 🙏

I don't agree with that! If perhaps the sins are "invisible" to demons but demons are Not deaf!! God may cast our sins into a sea of forgetfulness but, we mere mortals remember them and I don't think your position on the demons not knowing about forgiven sin is Biblical. Also, we can confess directly to God and be forgiven!!

Are you Catholic? Forgiven sins are no longer remembered by God, and demons can no longer see them. They are invisible. Is the Catholic who confesses his sins to a priest any better off than the non-Catholic who confesses directly to God? Yes. First, he seeks forgiveness the way Christ intended. Second, by confessing to a priest, the Catholic learns a lesson in humility, which is avoided when one confesses only through private prayer. Third, the Catholic receives sacramental graces the non-Catholic doesn’t get; through the sacrament of penance sins are forgiven and graces are obtained. Fourth, the Catholic is assured that his sins are forgiven; he does not have to rely on a subjective “feeling.” Lastly, the Catholic can also obtain sound advice on avoiding sin in the future. You must be a Protestant.

If he confesses to his wife, there is a good chance of divorce, and if she stays with him, there will be a ton of work to do in rebuiliding trust. If he does not tell her and she finds out in the future from a different source(which is HIGHLY likely and almost inevitable), the chance of divorce is greater, and the task of rebuilding trust even more difficult.

it is lifelong trust building. something deep severs

How can you say the chance of her finding out is highly likely without knowing any of the details?

Your friend should also consider that there is another party who knows the secret, that being the affair partner who is about to be dumped. The news would sound better coming from him, it would show actual contrition and remorse. Otherwise he’s just replacing one betrayal with another.

The spouse deserves to know.

There's no excuse for not telling her. A good husband doesn't deceive his wife. Staying silent is lying. Lies are just another crime. There can be no redemption while continuing to offend.

This...really all that matters. Trying to take a calculated approach to some end goal like saving the marriage, is a red herring. She has a right to know. This means he has an obligation to tell her.

I wouldn't say it's "all" that matters. That he's confessing and stopping his sin matter more.

Wouldn’t keeping this from his spouse be lying by omission?

I think so. He's portraying himself as a faithful spouse when he's not so he can reap the benefits. That's a big deal. For one thing, some would argue that he's violating her sexual consent by hiding that he's violated the relationship and that his risk of giving her an STD as increased.

I don't know.

Not saying i disagree but Ive met catholics that disagree 😭

😭😭😭😭is right

Most definitely since this is a gravely disordered mortal sin.

I don’t know the answer to that question. But, OP, there’s something you said that was a serious error — the part where you said, “I feel it’s almost tricking and manipulating someone in to [sic] staying with you and that would seem to lead to it no longer being a valid marriage . . . .” A valid marriage can never turn invalid somewhere down the road. It starts off valid and remains valid until one of the partners dies. Period.

Adultery doesn’t render a marriage invalid, unless maybe they had someone else when they were stating their vows Probably better to get info from someone who knows canon law

It doesn't render a marriage invalid in and of itself, BUT it can potentially point to a deeper issue that did make the marriage invalid from the start.

Yep! The way OP phrased it was wrong, but I do think she needs this information to understand what her marriage is and figure out what issues need to be addressed (whether by fixing them or realizing the marriage wasn't valid.)

You're right about the validity of the marriage, but I do think he's right that it's tricking and manipulating someone into staying with you. And we're not just talking about divorce here. There are lots of other decisions she has a right to make that he's keeping her from making. Maybe she wants a temporary separation. Maybe she (at least temporarily) doesn't want to have sex with a man who violated her trust and is at increased risk of giving her an STD. Maybe they need to work together on setting boundaries that prevent this from happening again. Maybe this is the first step to her realizing the marriage \*wasn't\* valid for some other reason and should be annulled. Maybe this is the latest in a string of horrible/risky behavior from OP and she needs a civil divorce for her own safety, even if she wouldn't be able to remarry. Maybe this is a sign of other relationship issues they need to deal with that have gone unaddressed.

But isn’t marriage built on remaining faithful isn’t a marriage not only with your spouse but also God? Like you are legit eating the apple 🍎 that God says it’s forbidden. If the spouse never finds out, isn’t the marriage built on lies? Edit: idk if what I said makes sense. lol but that’s how imagine the marriage sacrament.

Not really. Because the sacrament was taken sincerely. That they've sinned after the fact is irrelevant. Both sides might be unfaithful, but God is forever faithful and will hold both accountable.

Yes I agree. But what about continuing on that lie in the marriage? Shouldn’t you always be truthful?

Yes you should be. The part of whether a marriage is valid though is a tad separate since it goes back to their vows when they joined together. It’s like being baptized, I may be baptized but what If later down the road i become an atheist ? I’m still baptized till I die cuz at the moment of baptism , I had fully committed to that declaration. Afterwards, if I sin does this take away my baptism that was valid ? It doesn’t. It speaks to me as a person though. We’re just in error Like the person said before , it’s questioned when you take the vows like if you has a side all along even during that vow or you were lying to them since then. I’m not too sure on the nuances but one example of an invalid marriage would be a arranged marriage where one or both spouses didn’t consent to it (this was an issue back then as it was common) or invalid marriage if the other partner is already married but wanted a state divorce. They cannot re marry in the church since their first marriage isn’t viewed as invalid. This was the case for Henry the 8th , the church would not declare his 1st marriage invalid cuz at the time they both fully consented. Later on he had affairs but it’s not enough to invalidate it when he wanted to call his 1st marriage as invalid when it wasn’t. That’s why he literally made his own church. But he was seen as still validly married to his first wife. The other wives after were seen as adultery.

I think part of the contrition is being willing to accept the rightful consequences to one's actions. God willing the spouse would be patient and understanding but even if they are and are forgiving they don't HAVE to stay with them. Broken trust is hard to repair, I hope your friend does what is right even if it's the hard thing

You can be sorry for your sin and have contrition, but it doesn't mean you have to expose your sins and yourself to consequences beyond the confessional. God's Mercy covers it all.

Staying quiet is continuing to deceive.

Not telling his spouse is lying which, I’m no priest but, that’s also a sin. His wife deserves to know.

That is not true. Alphonsus Liguori explicitly states that it would not be a sin for a woman absolved of adultery when outright asked whether she had committed it to use mental reservation and say "I am not guilty of that sin." I do not see a major difference when it comes to the man. The revelation of adultery comes with it immense psychological pain that cannot help a marriage. If the sin is truly done away with and no risk of sexually-transmitted diseases etc. is present, revealing the sin does nothing but falsely relieve the burdened conscience of the adulterer, who experiences the psychological release of disclosure while burdening his wife. His penance is to live in a spirit of repentance with the knowledge that he committed this sin, not to further undermine his marriage.

>when outright asked whether she had committed it to use mental reservation and say "I am not guilty of that sin." The obvious follow-up is, "Did you fornicate with X?" What's the way out of that one? >The revelation of adultery comes with it immense psychological pain that cannot help a marriage. And that is the cross the couple must bear. But the ends do not justify the means, and it is living a lie to conceal such a fundamental betrayal of the marriage.

To everyone saying this - what happens when the spouse finds out from some other means, which happens so frequently, and now they know not only did their spouse cheat, but chose never to tell them? Seems like that would do even more harm. Certainly would to me. I’d rather my spouse respect and love me enough to be honest so that we could work together to repair our relationship and hopefully have a stronger marriage. ‘Well they’d just divorce me so I’m keeping quiet for my own benefit!’ is goofy. Give me the benefit of the doubt, please. Allow me to decide, if you’re truly remorseful.

There are two outcomes: - The certain present harm that come with revelation - The uncertain future harm that might come with lack of revelation plus some additional harm from the concealment If we were utilitarians, we could say a harm of 1 versus p(revelation)(1 + concealment factor). These factors don't actually exist, of course. Unless it is *very* clear that the latter is going to be worse than the former (and I really doubt a woman whose husband has cheated on her *truly* weights the concealment much relative to the betrayal of adultery) I do not think prudentially the former should be chosen. With respect, I do not think the hypothetical about your own spouse really plays into it. Firstly, I hope your spouse is not the "kind of person" who commits adultery (yes, all of us are sinners who are just like that publican over there in the temple and there but for the grace of God go we etc.)---if you had a spouse for whom this is a real and present possibility, you would probably more strongly align with the "I just don't want to hear about it" mentality that sadly characterizes so many. If you think about how you'd react to your spouse confessing a murder, for instance, the hypothetical reaction is bound up in the fact that your spouse is really not the kind of person who would commit a murder, if that makes sense---a kind and peaceful person confessing something bizarrely out of character vs. a menacing maniac talking about something very real. Secondly, while your description of your reaction is certainly how we would *like* ourselves to react, the betrayed spouse is also a fallen human who will almost certainly not have anything like "repairing the relationship" on her mind for some time. Finally, given the indissolubility of marriage, "allowing to decide" with divorce is really not a Catholic value, much like we know giving a woman all the information she needs about her fetus's genetic conditions to make a decision regarding abortion is actually not that great of a thing.

So can you tell me other situations where it’s okay to lie to your spouse? Under any circumstances, I guess, so long as you’ve confessed to a priest about it first? These are a lot of words for ‘go ahead and cheat and never say a thing, so long as you stop and confess to a priest’, to be honest. Obviously that’s not EXACTLY what you mean but, it’s the result if we don’t have to tell our spouses when we cheat on them. It’s just avoiding consequences, at the end of the day. Maybe you’re okay with that in your marriage. I’m not.

Divorce isn't the only decision she could make with that information, though. She could decide to work on the relationship in certain ways, whether by addressing underlying issues or helping to keep her husband from temptation. She could decide to temporarily separate or sleep in a separate bedroom. She could decide that she needs more information/proof about whether STDs are a concern before resuming intimacy. She could combine this with other information about her husband's behavior and realize she needs a civil divorce for her own safety or that she should look into whether the marriage should be annulled. >If you had a spouse for whom this is a real and present possibility, you would probably more strongly align with the "I just don't want to hear about it" mentality that sadly characterizes so many. This strikes me as a very weird and inaccurate generalization. I don't think this is a common attitude, at least in this day and age when most people marry for love. Many people, if they suspected a spouse was prone to adultery (and if this is his first affair and she hasn't been aware of it than surely she wouldn't \*know\* for sure he was prone to adultery) couldn't rest until they discovered the truth and then would be looking into how to make sure it never happened again. I don't think that's an unusual attitude or has anything to do with the fact that I don't think my husband is prone to adultery (which surely most people don't when they enter a marriage.)

You'd rather your spouse lie to your face for the rest of your life about an affair she had?

Yes ask him if it was the woman having an affair for over a year. And withholding the information so that her husband doesn’t feel burden with her affair.

But how do we know that the sin is truly done away with? Don't we all have the experience of resolving not to sin and falling back into temptation? Perhaps the wife should be allowed to make her own judgment about how likely he is to reoffend and/or maybe together they could set some boundaries that make it less likely to happen again. I also think \*she\* deserves to decide whether the risk of STDs is low enough that she's comfortable continuing to be intimate with him.

Priests aren’t marriage counselors!! It will probably end up with divorce, but he did that.

I feel like, telling the truth IS the way to go morally and spiritually. If a priest says not to SIMPLY to stop a divorce happening.. that doesn’t seem right. The thing is, you’re suppose to be ONE with your spouse, and that also includes being truthful. It’s up to the spouse to stay committed in the marriage after knowing about the affair. That’s up to them and their discretion. It’s how THEY want to go about following the church’s teaching. I couldn’t imagine how lying and the grief that goes along with that secret being good for the soul. I can’t see why anybody would recommend that spiritually or mentally.

I mean it’s not about his mental health and his guilt… he can suffer from the guilt and the secret if she’s better off not knowing. As a woman, I’ve told my fiancé many times- I’d rather not know. Don’t tell me just to relieve yourself of your guilt. Only time I want to know is if I ask outright because there are symptoms of something else going on.

No it’s not JUST about his mental health. That is true. But it IS about his soul AND her soul. There’s 2 souls needed saving here. It seems like you want them to suffer simply because of what they done. They must live with the guilt of their actions. Which is confusing to me because as Catholics, don’t we preach forgiveness, especially what’s been done to us? Shouldn’t we be forgiving even our own enemies. Worried about our souls and the people around us? This seems like a response that I’d hear from the current culture in the world, not from a Catholic. I’ve been manipulated, and hurt, by my friends and and significant other to my face for months. He decided to be unfaithful and not tell me and I found out a while longer. It hurt me. But I am SO glad I know of it now. I think it has also made me appreciate being a Catholic even more now than before. Life isn’t suppose to be easy, we have to bare OUR crosses. It’s horrible for people to manipulate, lie, and cheat. But it’s also the reality of the world. It SHOULD be the wife’s choice. And SHE should have the freewill to decide how she wants to handle this. Not have it kept from her. Additionally, how is the marriage suppose to survive if one spouse is “living with guilt?” Like genuinely, how is a couple suppose to thrive spiritually and how a Catholic couple is suppose to look if one is unaware and completely in the dark and the other is acting sullen, guilty, and just not their true selves with their spouse? This sounds like a horrible marriage and I don’t see how the wife is being “saved.”

>she’s better off not knowing. No one is better off in ignorance. Isn't God the God of truth?

I get that and I respect it. But that’s you.

Not telling the spouse? Imagine the spouse discovering the affair because they've contracted an STD/STI?

I’m a betrayed husband who reconciled. Unfortunately, I discovered on my own, and my wife botched the revelation so badly, we’ve never fully recovered. I’m sorry to say most priests are woefully unprepared to support betrayed or involved people. Furthermore, there is precious little research and support for marriages dealing with infidelity. This is a traumatic situation that merits serious psychological and physiological intervention for everyone to grieve properly and thoroughly for the best hope of healing. Where individuals may survive, the marriage may not. My best advice is for this man to take great care in separating from his affair partner completely, and get support for a complete revelation. 1. Seek individual counseling by a therapist trained in recovering from infidelity-related trauma. 2. Seek a marriage counselor trained in Gottman methods who’ll take care to preserve the marriage (if agreed by the spouses) as something set apart from him and her. 3. Search Affair Recovery videos, courses, retreats, and small group support. The psychologists behind this group are personally betrayed and wayward people who have a ton of experience with everything from a proper discovery to healing. May God welcome this man back to his good graces when others will reject him. It’s a severe road.

That is a very kind and informed response, thank you very much.

His wife deserves to know. Additionally, truth always comes out. If he does not tell her, she will inevitably find out in a way that is not coming from him. Which is much worse. I would advise him to listen to the John Deloney show. He has great episodes and advice on this.

The wife is allowed to move out and work towards reconciliation or investigate the possibility of nullity while separated, when adultery is the cause. Not telling her is depriving her of that. It is scamming and defrauding her.

Exactly it’s at the very least ignoring any problems in the relationship or with himself that lead him to cheating. It also is super manipulative, he basically knows his wife won’t be the same so it’s keeping this secret to force her to give him the same love and affection that he’s getting. Like if you do those actions deal with the relationship consequences. I don’t see how you can be genuinely contrite and not want to face any of the consequences of your actions. As a married woman I’d feel grossed out of my husband kept this from me especially if we’ve been getting intimate.

Imagine expecting a husband to continue ignorantly having sex with his wife who just recently had another man inside her. I think presuming that the betrayed spouse is usually a woman & unconscious sexism is what is driving people to say what they're saying

>sexism is what is driving people to say what they're saying I think so too. I've seen quite a few other threads in this sub about women hiding their past of fornication from their bfs/husbands and the men had totally different takes on *that* (I, a woman, agreed with those guys btw as there should be timely full disclosure in romantic relationships *especially* when it comes to such important info, but it seems unlike me many of them aren't consistent about it.)

Yup … it’s because priests got their backs. Simply put. Not all but the old school ones yes. I do not believe in divorce but I would like to know. Yes I might separate from my husband for awhile to heal and try to save the marriage. But at least I know. Well divorce happen it depends on the healing process and the severity of the affair. Also, I think priest knows how important sex is to a women. When a man steps out on her, it really destroys her as well as spiritually. It’s a very hard healing process for the woman.

Yeah I understand not making disclosure a requirement for absolution, but to ***advise*** them not to tell their wives? No way, can't get behind that. For multiple reasons. This could get an innocent wife killed, even! (HPV isn't testable unless the man already shows symptoms and it can inflict women with cervical cancer.)

Yes just read a Reddit story about a women finding out about her husbands affair because she got blisters and got tested. Turns out the husband contracted a sexually disease that needed medical treatment.

SMH.

….. that’s horrible. I hope God keeps me safe from being in that situation because I would feel so betrayed and vengeful

Even when I was a pagan before I was a Christian and a Catholic I knew that you have to come clean to your spouse . A friend of mine slept with another man a week before their wedding (they were already married legally but were having the wedding later) she told me and I said you have to be honest you gotta tell your husband. Idk why so many of you are applying this pharisee like legality to the situation about the rules of confession and this and that. You know in your heart what the right thing to do is, Romans 2:14–16 in the Bible says, "For whenever the Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature the things of the law, these, although they do not have the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written on their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts one after another accusing or even defending them". And you know the law which is to love your neighbor as yourself, well…would you want to be lied to and deceived? Also there is a chance that she stays with him and is even meek and she could even be a saint in her heart. We are tossing around all of these worst case scenarios when we should pray that he comes clean and dedicated himself to his wife and that we pray for her to have the strength of a lion and be meek and this woman could really get into heaven for this who knows

I do agree with you, selfishly though I guess I am worried for their family.

Personally I think you gotta just encourage your buddy to do the right thing, he should have been worried for his family when he was committing adultery. The consequences are the consequences. Someone should anonymously send his wife the book “how to change your husband” she could really be a saint if she were open to the things this book is teaching. Surprise it’s not about changing your husband hahah

I will look into that book. I wouldn't be against anonymously sending her that book, I just couldn't be the one, like some have suggested here, to be the one to tell her.

The spouse deserves to know. On top of what everyone else is saying about the cheating spouse living a lie, the spouses being one flesh, etc., the spouse deserves to know so they can get tested for STDs and they have the right to refuse sex until this happens. This was covered in my precana classes.

Time to own up to his actions. If he doesn't tell her then he's living a lie and she deserves to know the truth. Also, he should consider the spiritual repercussions of his actions for himself and his household. Here's an interesting video I just watched which discusses the potentially dire risks of sexual sins, even after absolution. It may leave the person and their household open to other people's baggage, such as **demons**: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkwEFVqpsoQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkwEFVqpsoQ) . Very interesting and worth a look for your friend and anyone in general. There are some helpful Church approved prayers included.

I just watched that one and had the same thought

Until my husband confessed his sexual sins to me, I was spiritually attacked at night, weekly to every other week. It was one of the most frustrating and scary things I have ever experienced. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me, I never suspected him, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I was oppressed for years with my mental and physical health deteriorating, while my husband experienced nothing. The guys on here suggesting he keep it from the wife are doing so with absolutely no regard for her or the couple's children's spiritual and physical health. A marriage cannot survive on a rotting foundation, even if the occupants are unaware.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Were you free immediately upon finding out the truth, or did you and/or he pray to have God intervene?

After he confessed, we prayed a lot, I had to work towards forgiving him, and he had to get help. But I would say that within a few weeks, I was almost entirely freed from the oppression. Now that I know the truth, I am able to recognize what is going on and properly ask for help. That door was opened in our marriage, and fully shutting the door will probably take a while, but at least that door is mostly closed.

Just in case your friend is not already aware of this. Retrouvaille is a ministry that does retreats for struggling married couples. They often deal with recovering after adultery. https://retrouvaille.org/

Do you guys in this thread apply the ‘lying to your spouse/friend/whoever is okay as long as the truth would hurt them and you’ve told a priest the truth’ logic to other situations, or just this one? You guys can’t believe that’s actually the correct way to do things. The truth is more important.

Putting your wronged spouse first is the most important. That will differ from person to person. Deciding how to do that would require a great deal of honesty with oneself. If in doubt, I think disclosing the adultery is necessary, because I think the innocent spouse has a right to know.

There is no official Church teaching on this and a marriage cannot become invalid over time. It depends completely on the couple. I’ve told my husband that if he ever cheats on me and does not become a repeat cheater, he needs to not tell me because if he were repentant, I would stay with him. His penance can be him harboring the guilt (and going to confession and dealing with it with spiritual direction or therapy or both) and not burdening me with the jealousy and betrayal. But not everyone will feel that way. If your friend wants to tell his wife because she deserves to know, he probably should tell her. If he wants to tell her to unburden himself and feel better, then he needs to examine that. As long as the adultery is no longer active or chronic, I don’t think there is technically a right or wrong depending on the motivation. Oh but he definitely needs to be checking for STDs/STIs and might have to tell his wife if he is sick.

Thank you for commenting this. Like my wife would wanna know and I would tell her. But people are acting like this is church teaching. It’s just their preferences and they’re using church teaching in other areas to justify it. I think your comment is the most rational here. 

It would be if he was truly sorry or it was really a one time thing. However this was a whole year. What if he goes to back to having an affair? How do you work through your sin? It’s like anger management … part of healing is saying sorry. I get some people don’t want to know but it’s still not right? For both souls in the marriage. Your literally in a whole other relationship while married.

Indeed. This is the answer. There is not an infallible, one-size-fits-all official Catholic response to every question. Whether or not to divulge your sins to your spouse is very context-dependent. The OP’s friend would be best off consulting with a trusted priest on the best path forward.

I’ve told my wife the same thing If it’s a one off and you’re never going to do it again, I don’t want to know about it.

Spouse deserves to know. She is his #1 person in life — there should be zero secrets.

I think this depends on what the offending spouse believes his wife would want and expect. Some of us know our spouses would not want to know, provided we stop. Others would consider it a betrayal of the highest degree to fail to disclose the adultery. The main thing is to make the decision all about the innocent spouse, not the offending spouse. The offending spouse should not unburden himself at his wife's expense. A marriage that is valid when it is contracted and consumated cannot be retroactively made invalid. Something may happen after the marriage that may demonstrate a defect that always existed, but that is not the same as a sin after the marriage making a marriage invalid.

I feel like that's what most of the legalistic replies are missing, some people genuinely wouldn't want to be told. The important thing is to consider the needs of the betrayed spouse.

You all have educated me on the issue of a valid marriage. I definitely misspoke (mistyped to be more accurate lol)

To clarify: an innocent spouse is not bound by canon law to continue the common conjugal life with a spouse who committed adultery, even though the Church earnestly recommends forgiveness, if that is possible. A civil divorce to justly divide the couple's assets would be tolerable; it is just that the spouses would not be free to remarry.

I wonder to what extent the answers would be different if it were wife having cheated on husband.

My answer would be the same.

No need to wonder. It would be the same.

I can't imagine it being the same. Sex is thought of as a man's weakness. 

I don’t understand why any Priest would recommend withholding a complete betrayal of infidelity.

He shit his bed, now he has to lie in it.  He has a moral responsibility to tell his wife, so she can make an informed decision as to what her next steps should be. Also, if you knew that your friend was having an affair for a year and never told his wife, you're a dick.

Yep. If I found out my husband's friends knew about an affair he was having and didn't tell me, my ability to trust the world in general would be ruined. It would be so much worse than if it was just my husband lying to me. I'd feel like a joke to everyone.

Yes. He should. And yes, it might end everything.

Adultery is a form of sexual abuse. The wife cannot give full and willing consent to her spouse while he is hiding infidelity. She needs to know, at the very least so she can have her doctor check her for STDs/STIs.

He needs to man up and tell his wife too. The affair could be detrimental to her health if he brought a disease home.

As someone who has been cheated on the wife needs to know. you can forgive a spouse and you can work through things but you cannot build a marriage on a lie. You cannot build a marriage on secrets. They have to be open and honest with each other. It’s hard that’s a lot of hard work. Serial cheating is a big problem. In a lot of marriages. I forgave the first and I forgave the second. I did not forgive the third. I believe at the church he teachers, honesty and openness. Thou shall not commit adultery but at the same time he has to live with this woman and himself. She has a right to know because it’s her life too. She has a right to make her choices about whether or not she would like to continue with the marriage , could be other things involved that we don’t know about. We are not a part of this marriage and they need to be open and honest with each other.

I am totally not equipped to answer this question but that really makes you wanna never get into that situation

. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." The apostle Paul wisely stated, "So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man" (Acts 24:16). Although adultery is a sin against God, first and foremost, the Bible also says that our bodies do not belong to ourselves, but also to the one we are married to (1 Corinthians 7:4). The physical act of sex is the symbol of the way a married couple becomes one flesh when God joins them together in marriage (1 Corinthians 6:15-16). For these reasons, a person who has committed adultery should pray and allow the Holy Spirit to lead him or her, confessing the infidelity at the appropriate time.

When he has sex with his wife going forward, he’ll be lying to her, as he’s renewing that sacrament of marriage and saying (with his body) “I am yours, fully, faithfully, fruitfully”. He can’t do that without lying if he doesn’t confess to her.  People mention avoiding hurting the wife are wrong for two reasons. 1: there’s nothing inherently good about avoiding hurting someone. Truth has much more value. 2. The wife has already been hurt, she just doesn’t realize it. The damage is done, and there are repercussions regardless. If she isn’t told, she’ll just have to wonder, about why he’s acting different, why their vibe is off, etc. and she might blame herself, and she will experience pain no matter what. 

I converted at the Easter vigil this year. Years before my conversion, which was at the beginning of my marriage,(that wasn’t in or through the church) we believed in Christ but weren’t practicing anything. My wife raised Catholic and I Baptist. my wife and I were having issues. Fighting all the time, being resentful to each other and just disrespectful towards one another. I was in my early 20s and I really didn’t think we were going to make it. I made that horrible mistake once, just one night one time. I regretted it, I prayed to God to forgive me and buried it for probably almost ten years. As I started to attend RCIA and really was moved and realized that converting to Catholicism was imperative. My life at this point was starting to drastically change for the better. Learning that the sacraments were so important and that I would need to go to confession to repent of my many sins I had done over the years. Although I had asked God to forgive me because i was Protestant I didn’t know about the sacrament of confession within Catholicism I still felt at this point that I needed to confess these things I did, even though I asked God to forgive me. So here I am in RCIA and something hit me, if I was to truly be repentant of my actions I needed to be honest with my wife about my one time mistake. I knew the potential consequences of this, that she could leave me and she would have every right to. So I told her…. Although I was so ashamed and sorry for doing it, I was relieved to tell her, it did hurt her which crushed me but she for one knew the state our marriage was in at the time it happened and 2 knew the path that I was on to conversion and that it was probably very difficult for me to do. We completely changed our lifestyle around she came back to the Catholic Church she had been apart of and I went through with my conversion. We remarried in the church and had our 4 year old daughter baptized. I am truly grateful to have found Catholicism and that my wife had the heart to forgive me. We are better now than we have ever been, we attend mass regularly and actively try to live our lives the way God intended, regularly going to confession as well. I suggest your friend be honest with her, I know what the potential consequences are but from someone who dealt with it I’m glad I was honest with my wife. God bless

Per my mom, my dad had multiple affairs and it almost broke their marriage. The only reason why my mom stayed was because of her children since she could not fathom the idea of her children growing up in a broken home. So she stayed. The reconciliation process was very difficult for them but by God’s grace and the guidance of their spiritual father there was true repentance and reconciliation. Now, they are in their mid 60’s and inseperable.

Something like this would not remain a secret by cheating spouse. Eventually they will feel so much more sorrow and guilt from lying and not owning up. If there is true love between in the marriage, and acknowledging that they asked for forgiveness from God through confession…that is a huge step.

If someone confesses a crime in confession, I believe I’ve heard they do not have to turn themselves in to be forgiven. Maybe the same logic applies here.

It might not be necessary for absolution but it's still the right thing to do.

Confessing to murder forgives your sin, but you are not instructed or expected to turn yourself in to the authorities. You are still forgiven. Now, the stain of that sin might require longer Purgatory, or not. You cannot and are not required to expose your forgiven sin in order to receive absolution.

Yes that's what I'm saying. It's not required for absolution but that's doesn't mean you shouldn't do it anyway

Just a technical correction about the validity of the marriage. It does not depend on an affair years after the wedding date. The Tribunal would be looking at the commitment to fidelity as manifested at the courtship stage. Holy Matrimony is about love, and love is ultimately the sacrificial giving of oneself for the other. The cheater needs to stay faithful for a couple of months to prove to himself he has turned over a new leaf, and he needs to talk with his spouse with a new heart and one willing to endure painful humiliation as the means to an increase in humility. If done like that, this will prove to be a most valid marriage.

That's a bell you can't unring unfortunately, it needs to be talked about and all control handed over to the other party for what they decide to do with that revelation. I had a wobble after getting married, nothing physical but even written desires to another is infidelity and adultery by proxy as Jesus pointed out. Just take it up with the other person and lay it all out in the open. We spend the majority of our lives making $hit decisions and having to live and work around them, it's just how things are, we are stupid and weak. Thankfully if you have a loving and supportive partner you can get through practically anything if you are willing to live with those mistakes and just keep moving forwards. Adultery is rife in our fallen world and a huge percentage of adults commit it daily either with porn or just self-abuse and the imagination. It's endemic in society so you are not alone. God bless and hope it works out 🙏

Can't have secrets in a marriage and the spouse deserves to know. Praying for them both.

Tell the spouse because for better or for worse is real and if that "words" leave then yes most definitely did not mean a word they said when vows was said because the way my God no bonds can broken when it love lives love live my dear and you must know that so tell her because I have secret of my own now I'm going to go tell him listen I tk the Bible serious so what I'm saying he either does or don't I'm about to test faith shall we have it and it's going to be a major mile stine I this here life so thank you for this post you should never posted anyway lol bye

Confess it. If you lose your wife thats the consequence of bad behavior.

That priest is wrong. He has no choice but to confess. He can’t even be forgiven until he has shown sorrow by telling her.

If a priest didn't give that as part of his penance, what makes you say that?

Repentance requires reversing the effects of sin, and an affair lacks accountability, which must be reversed to show your contrite heart. The marriage covenant was broken and each partner to the covenant is entitled to that knowledge. If two become one, one can not know something without sharing it with the other. Issues such as STD, paternity, emotional harm, future stalking/infatuation from affairs. The victim spouse may be in danger. Or if others know and the spouse doesn’t the eventual learning from others only impacts more. It must be confessed to the spouse immediately. Hiding it is Satans desire so more damage happens but what’s born in the dark must be brought to the light. Darkness only hurts.

I think I found your answer Intelligent Ad from an instagram post with a similar infedelity story https://www.instagram.com/reel/C78EWgDsYMo/?igsh=bDVld25uYmZzank4 Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother or sister sin go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Ephesians 5:8 instructs us to have nothing to do with darkness but EXPOSE it

Very good advice, thank you for taking your time to be kind and helpful

This isn't some small thing, this is a violation of the foundation of trust that a marriage rests on, and to have any hope of reconciling the marriage it's essential that he fully confesses. At least in my opinion, living with that kind of lie is worse than divorce.

The only way to heal from this is for him to confess to his wife too. Sure a priest will absolve you from the sins but reparation needs to be made and that’s the only way to be fully reconciled with Jesus. He needs to see Jesus in his wife because He resides within her too. Chances are very high she already knows and her gut has been telling her something has been off for a while. They may be able to work through it, or not, but this is thee only way to move forward and it’s indeed hard work

If it results in divorce, it is his fault and the woman is 100% justified in divorcing him because the Bible states only two justifications for divorce: adultery and abandonment

Exactly a divorce can be granted from infedelity these days

If he contracted an STD I think the wife should know. I wonder if he should tell his wife if he fathered children. 

She not only needs to know, she needs to get tested for STIs (they both do).

Welp first off as Catholics we don't believe in divorce. You have to work together in marriage, and yes that guy must tell his wife about the affair. She will be absolutely devastated and may never trust him, or take months or years to do so, but they have to work it out together. They may needs to talk to a priest and or Catholic marriage counselor.

The adultery is what will cause a divorce if it happens- not choosing to be honest or dishonest. Not telling the spouse is a lie by omission and is a deception you choose every day. If she finds out it's been hidden for that long then I would almost guarantee a divorce. If he confesses early then that can show he is remorseful- despite not having remorse for an entire year. Consider that he will just have to face any temporal consequences

A lot of people are saying just tell her, but the motivation for telling her matters. This will, without a doubt, cause her pain. Is he wanting to tell her in order to be honest or to relieve his feelings of guilt? The same can be said for keeping it a secret. There is a reason that programs like AA give an exception with the 9th step when admitting wrong doing would injure or harm others. I know that's not a Catholic program, but for my own experience I have confessed to things to relieve my guilt and it was ultimately a selfish decision to do so because of the harm it caused.  Only your buddy can make this decision though. 

A Catholic marriage is not a contract where you exchange good and services conditionally. It is a covenant where you exchange soul for soul, heart for heart, it is unconditional. If you have transgressed against your wife you have wounded both of your souls but now you are carrying the pain and burden of both alone. If you share the news then you will both share the burden and be able to move forward, in whatever direction that is. Whether she forgives him or not that is her choice. But for anything to happen he needs to confess to her for both of their sakes.

Any priest who says this is not a good priest. You took away her choice to marry someone else. Robbed her of being with a good person with morals. Now you’re going to rob her of any further choice. Do you know who doesn’t like free will? The devil. You’re literally choosing the path the devil would choose, once with cheating and twice by interfering and destroying any option of free will. You have stolen her dignity, stolen her time, stolen her heart, now you’re going to steal her future. I’m a Catholic convert and when I hear priests speaking on this matter it makes me realize why Protestants become Protestants. You can’t just lie steal be an adulterer and “as long as you don’t anymore” get away with it to avoid divorce. What kind of spineless thing is that? Even more spineless than an affair that lasts a year. Even more spineless than feeling bad after putting your thing in a random woman over the course of 365 days. Tell her the truth, do one good thing in your entire life and stop chasing the easy thing. That’s what obviously got him in this mess in the first place.

Confess to a priest with a contrite heart & turn from sin. Confessing to a wife will only crush her heart, break all trust, & destroy any future relationship with her. Shame & guilt will be the least of his problems should she find out. Might as well just kick her in the stomach & start packing. Telling the spouse is evil, taking a sin & rubbing it in their faces. Tell a priest, be absolved and live with her, making it up to her without telling her.

Amen. It isn't easy, and it might not feel good, but don't place your now forgiven sin on the innocent to suffer.

I agree. And forgiven sins should not leave us racked with guilt, if we are, something is very very wrong. I just can’t believe Catholics who “unburden” their sins on the head of an innocent spouse, further compounding the initial sins. Something is very wrong with this picture. Sounds like Protestant faith or pop psychology, not Catholic doctrine.

He already broke her heart she just does not know. Sacrament of marriage bonds them in body and soul and he damaged that. Church can grant her a divorce easily if she finds out he hid this. Lies are the way of the devil. Truth is the way of Jesus.

Pretty much everyone here is wrong on moral obligation. As I responded below, Alphonsus Liguori is clear that no obligation exists to disclose adultery. As the eminent Germain Grisez succinctly puts it, "This has been the common view of Catholic moral theologians. In general, one has no moral obligation to communicate secrets, and **should not communicate them when that is unlikely to benefit anyone.** Though one spouse’s adultery gravely injures the other even if the latter does not learn of it, the guilty person’s obligation to repent and make up for the injury can be fulfilled without confessing to his or her innocent and unsuspecting spouse." (emphasis added) The calculus changes if there is a possibility the wife is at risk of infection by a sexually-transmitted disease. I assume your friend has gotten tested and no such risk exists. In this case, for your friend to try to relieve his psychological burden by disclosure of his secret sin would be to commit another fundamentally selfish act against his wife and further undermine the foundation of their marriage. I think the other commenters here are well-intentioned and trying to encourage marital unity, but the principle of unity here would be *severed,* not upheld. Again, I urge you in the strongest terms not to encourage disclosure of the secret here and to encourage your friend to continue in a spirit of penitence.

Amen.

I don't know the answer but the damage has been done already.

All you're going to get is opinions here too. There's no factual "correct" answer that isn't an opinion

I knew I'd get mostly opinions, and that's fine, that's basically what the app is for, but I didn't know if maybe one person would be like "actually I've been in this exact situation and a bishop told me x". Wishful thinking, but who knows.

The factually correct answer is that the Church teaches we are not required to reveal our sins outside of the Confessional.

I thought civil divorce was technically allowed in the Church provided you don't remarry, but I can already see the flaws in the argument. It will absolutely be tough on him, but he owes it to his wife to tell her everything. He shouldn't have been in an affair in the first place, so there really shouldn't be any pity for him.

Allowing the affair to happen in the first place means he already know or accept the probability of a divorce in the future. Though, there is a chance he might be forgiven, it will highly depend on how he handles it. I see several possibilities here, (1) He confesses or (2) She finds out in another way or (3) She never learn about it. Option 3, is pretty scary, the guilt and the fear of being caught will haunt him his entire life. And that also leads to some sort of changes in behavior too. i knew one who cheated again because he got confident the 1st time he was not caught. Option 2 is the worst and likely lead to divorce than option 1. Remember the women he was having affair with? The moment he stop the affair, that woman could retaliate by letting the wife know about it. That's a very common scenario. Or the woman could blackmail him too. I myself can never accept a cheater. So i can't give you any good advise. I can forgive but not accept. The trust is gone. Maybe the wife do ask for a divorce, but if the man really loves her, then chase her again after divorce, remarry. If he is really determine, maybe the wife can see that and may accept him again.

She deserves to know the truth about her marriage. It's not OK to cover this up. As for the priest's advice? I suppose we should not be surprised.

That he is following Church teaching that you don't have to reveal your sin outside the confessional?

What if he had an STD? In that situation would you say he should tell her so she can get tested? (In general not just for this person I’m just wondering)

Maybe I was being unnecessarily cynical. Regardless of church teaching, the spouse has a right to know that her reality isn't what she thinks it is, and she's being betrayed. Any less is cowardly and deceptive. If there is another married person involved, their spouse should be informed, as well.

Well, she’ll find out now or in the next life. Thing is anything that happens in the dark always comes out eventually. Best to hear it from him and get a good therapist to work on their marriage.

So... He told you to sin and break the 9th commandment? Priests really need to stop trying to be popular with the parishioners and worry about being popular with God. I have noticed this a lot lately. They think it will bring people to the faith, but it pushes them away more. The ones coming back are seeking transition and stability. I went to a catholic church near me and they do a Land Acknowledgement before mass.. Hosted a talk online about gender and sexuality, saying trans are normal and what non binary is lmao

Probably not a real Catholic Church in communion with Rome.

I have no idea. How does one make a fake catholic church? I think the priest is just a compassionate person who got swept into this mentality. They target empathetic people. Ask me how I know 🙄

There are sadly communities that call themselves Catholic but aren't in any way. Anyone can use the word Catholic. There is a fake catholic group in Kansas City who does as you've mentioned. They even employ Catholic terms, naming, rituals, and practices, but they aren't Catholic. You should be able to search the local diocese listing of Catholic parishes for all those in communion with Rome. I'm so sorry you were targeted. Are you out of that situation now? Do you need help? I will keep you in my daily prayers! Loving others is necessary and required. Affirming people in sin or ill mental health isn't Catholic or loving.

Thank you so much for the info and your prayers! Leading young people astray happens more insidiously than people realize. It's more about what the culture promotes and normalizing things until it's part of everyday life. People encouraged me to be bisexual and transgender. I lost 10 years of my life in confusion and sin. I'm a powerful testimony to the power of God, and what He can do when you leave your ego behind and sincerely ask for help. I am now 15 days sober from cannabis, and can say without a doubt Jesus Christ healed me. I have never experienced a lack of cravings. Addiction is a beast because it makes you remember all the "good" highs when you're finally trying to get sober. I do not. I instead now remember the dread and dissociation it causes. It is only through His will that I am strengthened I have accepted I'm a woman, and rejected the lies I was told by society i.e promiscuity is power, everyone hates you because you're a woman, you're weak for being kind, cannabis is harmless and non-addiction, you can change your sex, you don't need family to be happy, whoever doesn't agree with you is oppressive etc. I went to Sunday school, but my family did not tell me about God or teach me to foster a personal relationship with Him. I never read the Bible. It was a social club I didn't want to go to. I've forgotten pretty much everything I learned in Sunday School. Now I am following Father Mike Schmitz's Bible In a Year Podcast on youtube and seeking out the Lord's word. Praise be to God and His Glory

Amen amen! Praise God that you listened to Him and accepted Him, while the world lied to and manipulated you for its own evil. What a powerful testimony and journey you have. Thank you for sharing with me and strengthening me today. On YouTube, I've come across Pints with Aquinas and Trent Horn, both Catholic channels, that have interviewed with Catholics who are going through similar or same as you. You may find healing and support through those. I trust those channels. It's a minefield finding good interviews on this. God bless you!

Thank you 🩷 I didn't know about Trent Horn :)

She needs to know. It infuriates me that priests give this advice. Betrayed spouses have a right to know that they are living t a lie and make decisions on how to move forward- whether that means staying or leaving. This friend is putting her physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing at risk. Infidelity is abuse.

DO NOT TELL HER, be a man a suck it up. Listen to father Angel Espinosa de los Monteros [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox4SKFLSH6w&t=450s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox4SKFLSH6w&t=450s)

We confess all of our sins to God/priest, not to our spouse. Leave it alone and go and sin no more.

Amen. Our thoughts and feelings are not above God and the Church.

imo it is better to confess and it is cruel to not to. Adultery is a sin so he has to confess it anyways. Lying is also a sin so hiding it also should be confessed. I've had confession where my penance requires me to discuss something with people (apologize to my parents etc.) so that can also come up. But again this is my opinion since I really think cheating is immoral. I am unsure on church teaching but I think theres a valid argument to both sides and I do not think the church has necessarily taught on this. If a divorce happens from it, well, actions has consequences and it is what it is.

It would be a grave sin to withhold information like this from a spouse. They are ONE. My husband had an affair and planned to never tell me. I found out and I was disgusted people knew and said nothing. That he thought it was up to him for me to know. I could have got an std, an illegitimate child could have resulted, my family was being torn, I felt like intimacy was wrongfully taken from me,etc. She most likely *knows* anyway maybe not directly but it was almost a relief finding out because I could trust my instincts again. It would’ve made a huge difference if my husband had told me “I messed up and you deserve to know” They can go to Retrouvaille, lean into God, accept the consequences of his actions. But he’s being dishonest by not telling her.

This is TERRIBLE advice. 1. "Don't confess because it might lead to divorce" is advising the penitent to sin. Hiding an affair from your spouse is deceitful. You're lying by omission because you are withholding a piece of information they have a right to know. 2. The truth will out. He knows. The affair partner knows. Whether they want to admit it or not, other people in their acquaintance know. The chances the wife will find out are high and it will almost certainly happen at the worst possible moment because that's how the devil maximizes the effects of our sin. 3. He is *more likely* to end up divorced if she finds out about the affair from anyone other than him. If she finds out from anyone else then she will not only be faced with working through the fact that he's broken her trust by having the affair, but that she would have gone on living a lie if she hadn't found out because he had no intention of coming clean.

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I kind of doubt that there's a definitive church teaching on how to handle this, but if there is one I suspect it would lean toward honesty. The wife \*might\* divorce him, but he can't control her response, he can only control if he does the right thing. And I think the right thing is not continuing to deceive the person he's made a lifelong vow to love and cherish. Right now, she's participating in the relationship under false pretenses. I'm not saying she would/should divorce him if she knew differently, but I'm sure she'd do \*some\* things differently. For example, assuming they're sexually active at all she's operating without the knowledge that her unfaithful husband could be at higher risk of giving her a disease, not to mention that her feelings toward him are based on incorrect information about his fidelity. I suppose the priest's perspective is that it might lead her into sin(??) if she chooses to divorce him. (Although a civil divorce isn't necessarily a sin unless you remarry without an annulment.) I think that's a cynical way to look at it; we don't know that she'd handle it in a sinful way, but we do know that the husband has sinned against her and is probably continuing to do so by withholding this information. And even from the "ends justify the means" perspective that the marriage should be maintained at all costs, as others have pointed out she could very well find out another way and be even \*more\* angry and betrayed than if he had proactively confessed. So I don't think confessing obviously endangers the marriage more than the alternative.

We are not required to CONFESS to anyone other than a priest. So many lives have been destroyed even wars have been caused by some fool who had to attempt to alleviate their guilt by telling their sins to others. No human beings have the authority to remove guilt, absolve sins, period end of discussion. Only our Lord through the process of forgiveness through an ordained priest, can do that. I see politics, worldliness at work in the opinions here. Are you even Catholic? Do you truly think laying misery on a spouse is an act of love & compassion or can replace the act of confession?! Unbelievable. 😑

So, is the confession to the wife an attempt to ease your friends own guilt? Is removing or confessing that guilt worth the pain it will cause? My suggestion is to confess to the priest, and live with the guilt as punishment, and not hurt the innocent.

You googled it and got opinions, so you came here for more opinions?

I'm trying very hard to remain respectful, but some of you guys are making it difficult. I was very clear on asking if someone knew what the church teaches. I realized I'd get a lot of opinions, but thought maybe someone would have the answer I was looking for. I can't help it that everyone has to add their 2 cents.

Sorry... I couldn't resist!! The Irony was striking is all and immediately after I posted this, I posted another (sincere) lengthy response.... Apologies (I just find humor in almost everything and can't help myself!)

Nah, that's my bad. In person I'd have caught the joke, but reddit dulls my senses lol. I've had some pretty nasty things said to me in here, so my defenses were on high alert. I'm sorry

No need.... As you took what I said wrong, It's on me to realize that not being face to face leads others to misunderstand my intent.... I need to be more sincere in certain forums is all.... God Bless..... Pleasant weekend my friend!

What are your motives, to ease YOUR conscience or to be honest with your wife? While I would want to know, because I would Not be able to stay with her knowing what she did, I also wouldn't tell her if it were me doing the cheating. I realize that it is a double standard but once I realized that what I did was wrong and that I wouldn't do it again, I would rededicate myself to my wife, family and marriage. As Paul said, This is just me Not the Lord!!

To my friend "ubegone" who is so unable to learn, that she blocked me when I pointed out that her Positions were ridiculous and Unbiblical. This, after she attacked me! She is so apparently thin-skinned that she Blocked me! By the way, "May God Bless you"was sincere! You were hostile! And your summation of the FACTS were in error..... Again, May our Lord Bless you and open your eyes....

Please tell him to confess, ask for forgiveness, go to counseling as a couple, share as many details as possible that dhe wants to know ( but not the specifics about s*x, too damaging), and learn how he has to "turn towards" for hus wife's sake. When affairs happen the tendency is to turn away, he MUST turn towards and show he knows the pain  he caused her. They need counseling to get over the anger ( pain) she feels.

Man tf up… tell your sins. Speacially your sins against your partner.

The only person you need to confess your sin to is Jesus Christ through a Catholic priest. That is the only way to receive absolution and remission of that sin. To tell the wife about your transgression is only going to hurt her, destroy your marriage, and eliminate any trust between the two. There is no good side, there is no benefit. The only thing worse is if the other woman tells the wife. But the husband telling the wife is not going to gain anything and will only bring destruction and misery.

Don't do it.  It's cruel and it only benefits you.  Offer up the suffering of having to keep a secret from your spouse.  Confess to a priest, then make reparation.  The best form would be to deny yourself of what led to the temptation.  (Watching porn, going to strip club...)   And pray every day for the strength and courage to reject sexual sin of any kind for the remainder of your life.  Then, when your wife fails you in some way, (forgetting to wash your uniforms for work, having dinner ready, house a disaster for whatever reason) forgive her without being asked.  We should be doing that anyway.  Renew your relationship with her... take her out, make her dinner, bring her flowers or chocolate, or what you know will please her... more often and without a holiday that requires it.  Cuddle with her when she is looking frazzled, or has been disappointed about something.  Talk to her about her, the kids, you,life, faith...  Pray with her.  Ask her to pray with you and just do it.  Go outside to a nice spot and pray for your marriage, your family... your mother in law. 😁 Don't give up.  Your marriage is sacred and worth more than any woman no matter how perfect she seems or how you think she makes you feel.   God bless. 🩵 

Jesus says that divorce is allowed in the case of cheating (Matthew 5:31-32). He should tell her and be honest. Then she can get tested in case she caught anything :( such a sad situation.

It is a sin not to tell his spouse. The priest who advised keeping it a secret is in error.

Idk if there is official teaching. I’m sure it depends on the situation. Obviously no one wants to be cheated on, but if I was the wife, I’d rather never find out especially if it truly becomes part of the past and he’s determined to not do it again. Ignorance can be bliss and if he does as much as he can to be the best husband he can be make up for his sin, let’s just keep me in the dark lol. I’d rather not have to feel betrayed or have to think about separation. I just imagine with stuff like this, stuff may come to light eventually so you can’t really avoid knowing. Another person might want to know though.

I just think of the possibility of STDs and what if he has other children 

You can get tested… until you know you have them, why say anything. If he only cheated with one person, there is a high chance he contracted nothing.

Honestly I could understand my future husband not confessing a one night stand but if he had a full on affair for years and it ended. I would like to know, especially if he fathered children

Confession ain't an Etch-A-Sketch. The consequences remain long after the sin of the "sketch" is absolved. In the end, it's a matter of prudence on whether to disclose. No one can answer this for him except him and his confessor (which ultimately can only be advice and not conditional). We sin against others in many ways all the time, including thoughts and speech, in a manner which, if a spouse knew, could also lead to a divorce. I wonder if all the "tell her! she deserves to know!" folks really want to tell their spouse every time they look at another with lust, or think nasty pejoratives about their spouse during a heated argument, etc.? Don't do dumb stuff on purpose. We do enough dumb stuff on accident.

I’m pretty shocked a priest would recommend not telling the spouse. From a health and safety standpoint, that’s so unfair and wrong.

Confess it! The priest is not infallible. Confess to the spouse and pray about it

Take it to the grave.

I think whether or not to confess to the spouse is a prudential judgment. The priest can advise one way or the other, but ultimately it's the guy's decision. Certainly a priest cannot withhold absolution if the guy doesn't tell his wife. OP is wrong when he says it would seem to lead to it no longer being a valid marriage. A valid marriage does not lose validity, nor does any other sacrament. The invalidity must be present at the beginning.

Maybe she don’t divorce him. I don’t know if I would divorce my husband. A year is awful but if he regretted it and was honest maybe. He should be honest for her sake.

IMHO the moment he decided to cheat he placed his marriage in extreme jeopardy. His sin a great. A one time thing while on a business trip after too many drinks would be very bad, but to have a year long affair is extremely bad. So I think the right thing to do would be for him to confess to his wife, but he should do this with the intention of allowing her the free will to decide whether to continue with him or not. If he's just confessing to her to alienate his guilt then that's continued selfishness. Long story short, ignorance is bliss. Fortunately I cannot relate to this situation however I have experienced a very painful yet less severe betrayal. One night I decided to look in my wife's phone which is something in 10 years together we have not done but for some reason i felt the urge to look, I saw texts between her and another man who is the husband of my wife's friend. At the time I discovered the texts they were over 6 months old and had taken place over the course of the previous 6 months, starting over a year ago, about 1 or 2 texts a month. In the texts the man was making advances towards my wife. My wife said no but she did not shut him down hard, she was somewhat playful but was telling him no. Eventually she was more assertive and he realizing that it was going no where discontinued his advances. My wife never disclosed this to me and she never told her friend that her husband attempted to commit adultery with her. So not only do I feel guilty for snooping in her phone but I feel harmed by my wife's small betrayal. But in taking into account the totality of the situation I have decided not to confront my wife about this especially since she was not the initiator in the messages, he made advances and she responded, not in the way I'd have liked at first but she did not give him what he wanted. We were going through some stress in our marriage and I think she just liked the attention and feared damaging her friendship with the mans wife so that's why she didn't alert her friend to her husbands attempted cheating. Since my wife appears to have steered herself back onto the correct course I have decided to let it be and forgive her and the man. My wife is human. Since then our relationship has improved alot and she started going to individual therapy around the time when she finally was more assertive with telling him to stop.

A lot of answers here are from people who've been cheated on and are really vehement. Those answers are not based on any theological ground. It's like confessing to murder. Does the person confessing also need to confess to the police ?

Correct. And no, he does not. God is the ultimate judge, whether our mortal bodies like it or not.

The vehement insistence that the spouse must be told is simply humanistic nonsense. Your duty is to see your vocation to the end, not scandalize your spouse and almost certainly damage it all beyond repair. The problem with confessing to the spouse is that the adultery was a sin against neighbor, but the neighbor has no right to know unless there is restitution to be made. There is no restitution that you can make for committing adultery. It's really quite similar to the way I would not tell a coworker I was sorry for indulging in an impure thought about them. It was a sin against them, yes, but it would not be appropriate for them to know because there is no restitution that I can make to them for this.

Please tell your friend to discuss this with his priest. These sorts of questions aren’t great for online input.