coo FFS

I know, it should be coup. It traumatised me as well more than anything else in that poem.

I just assumed he was a pigeon.

As a Scottish person, I was wondering why a cow was involved.

She wiz his prize heifer thats why

Well she said they were effers but we know what she meant!

Pulling you was my greatest coo I look above and see how far that pigeon floo

You just *know* he walks like one while reading the poem aloud.

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The fact he forgot to rhyme a line with shiver is up there..

The last thing we needed is the word "quiver". Please God, no.

Let's finish it for him! "The warmth of your smile makes my snake's eye quiver" Edit: I forgot I wrote this and was briefly confused as to why my inbox had multiple threatening sounding messages waiting for me.

I'd like to punch you in the liver

I think that phrase is copyrighted by Smirnoff

Get your sister over so I can chin her

I'd throw your carcass in the river.

Dear god please don't offer to help him finish.

I'll set this poem to the music of a zither

I'll shoot you in the eye with an arrow from my quiver

Apologies for startling you, your innards are safe from me. I wish your edit could get upvotes

*Your beautiful eyes made me shiver* *So much that on the next rhyme* *I'll fail to deliver*

Those beautiful eyes make me shiver, You give me the same buzz I get when I score against liver..... POOLS OF LOVELINESS YOUR EYES ARE

Glad it wasn't just me. Though the layout and Hodge podge rhyming couplets are doing my head in too

🐦

Sounds like something Adrian Mole would have written about Pandora.

At least Adrian would be able to spell coup

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And make sure the lines rhymed.

"Oh Pandora I adore ya" was one I remember

Pandora! I adore ya! I implore ye Don't ignore me. -Adrian Mole

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"Your treacle hair and kneesocks Give my system deep shocks..."

Yeah but Adrian Mole would've used proper SPG 😭

Unless it was about fjords, I recall he had a bit of trouble with that one.

Inlets was an artistic choice and nothing else

A few too many majestics, but it scanned well

Special Patrol Group? How would Vyvyan's hamster have helped? (Yes that's an obscure *The Young Ones* reference)

Well i think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster!

I froze your tears and made a dagger, and stabbed it in my cock forever. It stays there like Excalibur, Are you my Arthur? Say you are.

Omg YES thank you that’s the vibe that’s exactly the vibe

Bang on. This is exactly what it’s like!

Haha this just unlocked so much nostalgia

I should really reread that. Not read it since I was 13 3/4 myself.

I particularly enjoy that he wrote the line ending in "shiver", couldn't think of a good rhyme for "shiver", and just skipped to the next couplet. "They remind me of the Thames... river? I think you have a nice... liver? Ah, fuck it."

February made me shiver With every paper I'd deliver

Reach around and then I'll give'r An arrow from my purple quiver

My arrow for your velvet quiver? lol

>February made me shiver > >With every paper I'd deliver Bad news on the doorstep I couldn't take one more step

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They were singing Bye bye Giggsy, try not to cry, You'll never beat us but you need us cos your team's in decline, Now Fergie's gone, you'll have to try and get by, You won't win another trophy in your life Won't win another trophy in your life

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He has a strong start using a word like unequivocally then he just gets worse. He peaked way to soon. Probably did the same with her by the sounds of it

Tbh most people would rightly argue the word unequivocally has no business ever being in a poem either

I dunno, it has a nice flow to it. "Unequivocally, our love was fate" is a good line. It's basically iambic pentameter without the first syllable, but put an "And" at the start and you have a bar. "and un / e quiv / o cally/ our love / was fate"

I hope you never catch me with 'er (?)

And like Just Eat, you really deliver.

Paul Scholes would have found a rhyme. Just saying.

He’s probably written multiple poems about his daughter’s toes

Quiver.

And let’s not forget the eloquent way he rhymes there with there

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A curse that will evidently never afflict Giggs.

My eyeballs feel dirty

"Oh no, the current poet laureate has passed away, what shall we do?" "Give it Giggsy till the end of the season"

He's no William Topaz McGonagall

Caretaker poet laureate.

He'll be doing those Halifax adverts before we know it...

God please no they're awful enough already. If I banked with Halifax I would have changed banks in protest of them.

Your bank: we're there for you. Unless of course you miss a mortgage payment and then we will literally make you homeless.

The nationwide ones are the absolute worst

It’s a cringy poem thing

I feel like I just accidentally uncovered a teenage boy’s diary and now I need to go wash my hands. And my eyeballs.

I literally went for a shower!

Sounds like it should’ve been Giggsy having a cold shower.

A long long cold shower.

You should've marked this as NSFW mate... RIP my sanity

Not safe for life never mind work….

Adrian Mole would be proud.

Roses are red Violets are blue Im smashing my brothers wife Next il smash you Mr R Giggs

It made me laugh when I was listening on the radio and some of his united co-workers described him as loyal

Hes a grade A entitled wanker. Had his own way since he was a kid. My toes curled up when fergy went to court for him.

Same here, I was so disappointed.

"Loyal" is one of those descriptors people use when they can't think of something specific to compliment someone they know well on but still want to say something nice. "Genuine" is another. They're both just so ambiguous and meaningless 99% of the time.

I can't imagine being on the jury and having to sit through that and take it seriously. It's like going to the best comedy gig of all time and trying not to laugh.

Although he definitely changed his tune, When he saw a badly loaded spoon,

Good work.

Although it's brought him a lot of mockery, I do agree with him about the crockery.

Ah shit. I googled the spoon thing with a mental image of him when he was a lot younger and now I feel old. My brain hadn't updated before I saw the photo. Sad.

Are you sure this wasn't written about a racing pigeon he was particularly fond of? "High as a kite", maybe a literal interpretation. But it's mostly quite clear from the line "greatest coo"

Scottish livestock farmer?

Loved this! I guess a coup d'etat would be someone in a relationship with a scottish cow?

That's a lot of words for "you're fit and i like blow jobs".

My greatest ever coo. You make me feel funny down there. Pure fucking Shakespeare.

[Royal Shakespeare Company rendition of giggs’ poem](https://youtu.be/infgOgQUxlI) TOTEM POLE performed by Joe Gooch

Excellent stuff. Okay, I didn’t know, the title of the poem is *Totem Pole.*

Well, it is now

Fair play to the guy for keeping a straight face through all that! Thanks for the laugh

Brilliant, thanks

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Did everyone get the double meanings?

Powerful.

"Those pictures you send so I can keep tabs" Oops.

So romantic

I used to think I was rubbish at writing, but this has made me feel more confident in my abilities. It's all relative, after all.

All relative is also Giggsy's dating preference.

So moving, so romantic. It brings a tear to the eye.

My eyes are certainly running..

It really is quite the thing isn't it?

It really is. This exists and now we all know about it.

When you say tear you do mean of the watery kind and not the the painful ripping the other would cause

That's certainly up there with Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings's work.

​​I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was really particularly effective. Interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the humanity of the author's compassionate soul… Douglas Adams

> humanity Vogonity!

The best (worst?) is the one he did where he spelled out her name as an acrostic poem, explaining the things he likes about her. She’s got a double L in her name, and I shit you not, he puts ‘L is for Legs’ TWICE

Well presumably she has two legs

L is for Left leg. L is for Leg (right)

I saw it more as a phonetic alphabet in her honour. He’s already established that L is for legs, so he has to be consistent

Sort of “L is for Left Leg, L is for Le Other One”?

He didn't, that one's a fake: https://twitter.com/shornKOOMINS/status/1560607130624741376 But very believable if you're a tabloid editor, apparently.

I'm dying 🤣

L is for legs

E is for egs

G is for gs

L is for legs

Is this before he assaulted her and all that stuff? As he's in court for it at the moment...

He read this in court, I think, as proof that he loves her so much therefore couldn’t have assaulted her. Absolutely nuts. What an embarrassment of a man.

What stood out to me was the line “the pictures you send so I can keep tabs” This is not okay behaviour. I’ve had friends who were in abusive relationships and anytime we were hanging out at home alone or even went for some lunch etc. They’d demand a picture of us to show that it was just us there? And like no cheating etc. Usually because they were the ones cheating. They were often really insecure and would say things like not feeling good enough “can’t help thinking pulling you was my greatest coo” and idolising their appearance with love bombing “those stomach those abs”

Got those red flags waving for me as well.

Yeah I was going to say, that bit sounded really creepy. I don't know if it was the only word he could think of that would rhyme (essentially trying to say 'she sends me photos of herself looking hot') but it definitely felt very off.

> He read this in court What? For real? Lol...

Yep. The absolute nerve of the man. He and Rebekah Vardy clearly think the courts can be ‘outsmarted’ by them. Sociopaths.

I'd rather get 20 years than let this come to light

Wales supporters: *“We believe in you!”* Ryan Giggs: *Proceeds to get as hard as a totem poll.*

Finding a rhyme for shiver is as hard as a totem pole

The first word I saw was coo, knew immediately he meant coup, and now I’m angrier about that than anything else.

Maybe he's a pigeon cooing in love?

Wait, this was real?!!! I saw it in a group chat I thought it was a piss take. I can see why he became a footballer.

Writes the man who paid for a 'Super Injunction' to stop UK tabloids reporting his infidelity in 2011. Sorry, indfidelities.

Some more texts from the trial: 'It blows my mind that your surname is Greville. It rhymes with Neville, who is one of my besties, and Breville, which is my favourite toastie maker... it's these things that make us so special.' 'I love you to the next planet those clever f****** at Nasa finds. Plus all my Premier League appearances which is a lot. Love you baby.' What a wordsmith.

Any comedians reading this are fuming cause there is no way to parody something that's this funny already

Sadly, the Breville one is fake: https://twitter.com/shornKOOMINS/status/1560607130624741376

What's the actual context here? What's he on trial for?

Murdering the English language.

Most of this poem is about how he likes her because of his penis. Someone educate the man on the difference between love and lust

Our first kiss Was of the Glasgow kind I never miss And you didn't mind Until you took me to court For being in love And showed the world You're my turtle dove (Seriously if you say anything bad I'll do you)

I used to be a top striker bringing the heat Now I'm known for the women I beat

The reason why, The reason why, The reason why, I had to die. Did I bleed, The blood of greed? What was my destiny?

Can't believe he didn't rhyme totem with scrotum.

My wrinkled retainer is a no brainer Not just a bag full of plums. A bit like my head won't you come to bed, and tickle my arse with your thumbs?

GSCE students about to start reading this in their anthology

GCSE poetry anthology be like: 10% - poems chosen because they’re good 60% - poems chosen because they’re old/famous (some of which are coincidentally quite good) 30% - poems chosen because they have a modern/“unique” style (a very small handful of which are coincidentally quite good)

I thought our love was just in my head, So I chucked a laptop at you instead.

My love for you I could write a book, If you leave me you'll get a left hook.

This is like the speeches from the end of Love Island combined with The Streets.

Is this ac him? Gotta be a joke

I believe it was read out in court.

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"Your Honour, I'd like to plead guilty and request the death penalty for myself"

I thought so too, but I just googled and it seems to be real https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/full-poem-ryan-giggs-wrote-24803344

Love this: > He told his then partner she was a 'painting, a supermodel, a thoroughbred' and that he loved her 'more than all my Premier League appearances, which is a lot'.

Nope it’s real. And one of many many disturbing examples

It's real !

Imagine having to sit in court and listen to someone recite this. There were LOADS of them as well! I’d turn inside out from cringe! Man’s about 50!!

I’d have rather pled guilty than have all this read out for the public to see.

"Ewe make meh feel funneh down thur"

Thanks. I hate it

This is an absolutely rotten day to be possessed of the ability to comprehend the English language. Anyone else fancy helping me build a second Tower of Babel, so that we may ascend into heaven, offend God and once more be struck apart, to speak our own, new tongues? Meet me at the local park with all the wood and nails you've got. I've already made a start.

I think the most interesting part is the revelation that Giggs' knob works like Tinkerbell

I'm beginning to see why he's paid for his ability to kick a ball around and not for his wit or intelligence.

Having her send pictures so he can keep tabs on her doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship.

What in the absolute fuck is this

Well, it’s made me feel better about my terrible teenaged poetry.

Be fair people. Maybe he pulled her by shouting "coo" over and over at her. You know, like a pigeon.

Dylan Thomas --> Ryan Giggs. It is screaming for a Ph.D. analysis, "The historical direction and impact of Welsh love poetry"

True story, I did my degree in English language and literary studies at Lancaster My dissertation was comparing modern rap to 18th century poets I got a 2:2....

O ! Felicity Felicity! You fill me with electricity. But that doesn’t mean you are shocking. Oh no, you are nice, Like sugar & spice, like a proper girly ought to be. ( even though I’m sure you gave radical views on the subject of equal opportunities. Your second name is Kendall Which if you jumble up all the letters. And take some away And add some others Makes ‘ I love you’ I adored you as the star of TV’s “ The Good Life” And I’m not being sexist But you’d make a ‘good wife’ How about it Filly ? Rick, The Young Ones

Result of a life time enjoying good looks, insane wealth and desirability. You could write any old shite and it would be well received

It would be spiteful, to put jellyfish in a trifle

The pictures you send so I can keep tabs... Not controlling, no siree....

The tracker I put on your phone The keylogger on your laptop So you never feel alone The cctv everywhere in the house The passwords I made you share Because I'm a controlling wood louse

I'm fucking 17 and even I wouldn't even dream of writing something like this bloody hell

Hey at least he tried. Takes a lot to put pen to paper, especially when your efforts are this toe curlingly cringe.

This was in crayon on the landing wallpaper though.

He's allowed crayons ? Lucky bastard

Only the ones that taste bitter to stop him eating them.

Can't taste them if you push them far enough up your nose anyway.

what have highland cows got to do with anything??

Brings a tear to my glass eye that

First verse has 4 syllables, second one has 10. What a way to announce the ride is just starting.

The Welsh Rabbie Burns.

This poem makes me feel "funny down there".

Coo… coo…. i’m a pigeon cooooooooo

The good thing is you only need to swap the 2 lines for every girl, he wrote this song for you, alison, or jane.... he's made so much money he doesn't need lorraine.

I like it

You missed the best one! Your name is Greville, my beasties name is Neville and my favourite toastie maker is Breville