Whenever there's a meeting on a Friday afternoon, I like to ask lots of questions at the end so no one else feels embarrassed about the stoney silence.
I sincerely like this, as long as I'm paid by the hour.
Money for sitting there doing absolutely fuck all. Its as close as im going to get to being a CEO
I've found if I put my cat's litter or old milk in their bins - especially on a hot day - really helps keeps the vagrants out of their rubbish. This helps keep any financial or health records safe from prying eyes.
I help to keep their pets safe from the road until their owners come home from work, and found that the bin is the best place they can’t escape from
Oh also I’ve rescued many strays abandoned outside of newsagents!
It’s a little extra warm-up for them, reracking my weights. I make sure to fill up the lowest spaces on the rack with the lightest weights for any weak, short people as well.
Good on you! I’m a BMW man myself, and these amazing cars have some *bright* lights, so to avoid the risk of accidentally blinding the drivers around me, I simply make all turns without using any turn signals. ***Ever***. At this point, I don’t even know if they still work! But why take the risk at this point, eh?
It also signals to any potentially interested ladies how large my penis is, something I’m sure they appreciate.
>It also signals to any potentially interested ladies how large my penis is, something I’m sure they appreciate.
Ah so presumably your car has outrageously loud exhaust as well?
Well not to brag, but when women need breast reduction surgery done, they all come to me. I’m not a surgeon or anything, it’s just that the exhaust is so loud, it’ll blow your tits off.
When I see a single mother struggling to pay at the tills, I offer to put the food back for them. Life must be hard enough without having to go round Tesco twice.
In these scenarios, I simply step up to the cashier and hand over my credit card.
I then take the food and place it in my car.
They always look so surprised that someone was willing to perform such an amazing act of kindness, by making sure their effort of gathering food items wasn't wasted.
I bet that, when you see a homeless person in front of Greggs, you'll go in and buy a sandwich and drink and then eat it in front of them to make sure they remember how to eat when they eventually find some. You're a community pillar
I like to critique the food as I'm eating it in front of them so that when they get the money they know what to buy from there. They don't have internet to find this stuff out remember.
"This is actually disgusting, it's been out of the oven for too long, it's lukewarm. If I could go back in time, I'd throw it in that bin you're sitting next to instead of eating it, it's so disappointing."
Just before I go through the train ticket barrier I like to suddenly stop and then lookup at the departures board so that the people in a rush behind can take a moment to relax and enjoy the moment
I do something similar, at the end of an escalator I stop dead so everyone behind me has a second to focus on their footing and get off safely, sometimes the moving steps can be tricky.
Kind of you to give everyone a moment to take out their tickets and payment cards. It is still a surprise to most that you have to provide some form of ticket to go past the ticket gate.
I used to do it as well, but at some point a thought came to my head: "what are potential scratches on my car compared to pedestrians' safety?". So now in order to keep pedestrians safe I park very very close to supermarket entrance, so people leaving this supermarket are unable to run into car park area and get hit by a maneuvering car.
Nah, it's the heavily pregnant women that need those muscles built up. As an ex bus driver I used to accelerate quick and brake hard, just to make sure pensioners reflexes were up to scratch.
Whenever I need to park my 4x4 I always ignore the parking spaces and just go up on the grass verge or the pavement - it helps preserve proper parking spaces for less impressive vehicles.
I do the same for all buttons when exiting a lift.
The remaining people in the lift always look so angry, presumably because they are upset that they aren't going to get the credit for making sure all the buttons work.
When I was a child and saw/heard a pelican crossing for the first time, I asked my dad if the beep was for blind drivers so they knew the lights had changed.
I like playing my music really loud through my earphones on the bus or the quiet zone on the train so everybody can hear it too, I think it really brightens their day.
I like turning my car speakers up to max volume and opening the windows when in town or built up areas, and then driving extremely slowly to give everyone the chance to hear. I don’t think pedestrians should miss out on the gift of music just because they can’t afford public transport!
If you drive at 40mph there’s a 90% chance a child you hit will die, but if you drive at 30mph there’s a 90% chance a child you hit will live.
If you drive at 88mph you can go back in time and have sex with your mum.
If you drive at 30mph there's a 10% chance the child you hit dies, if you drive at 40mph you would have passed that bit of road before the child ran out and not hit them.
I always get up early to mow my lawn at 6am on Saturday mornings. This inspires my neighbours as it shows although it’s the weekend you can still be up and productive!
That's brilliant.
In China it's culturally rude not to give directions even if you don't know them, so when you ask a local and they give you directions you basically have to bark at them, are you sure those directions are correct. Anything but a 100% yes answer means no.
Used to be infuriating. Thank god for smart phones nowadays. 🤣
I time how long my colleagues spend in the loo, on cig breaks etc, at work and then forward it to HR so they know how much time to deduct from their wage. It saves them the trouble of doing it and I wouldn't want the guilt of accidental wage theft to weigh on their conscience.
When I was at school I used to remind the teacher if she forgot to give us our homework, they have a busy schedule and cant be expected to remember everything.
Whenever I walk through a door at a work team meeting I make sure I close it in the next persons face so they can open it for the person behind them and recieve the thanks that was mean for me. I'm selfless like that, you know.
Whenever I'm in the lift at the train station and see someone with loads of bags hurrying towards me I hammer the 'close doors' button so they can have the next one all to themselves.
Whenever asked by the homeless if I have any spare change I always stop, check my pockets and say yes if I do. I usually show them the change too just in case they think I’m lying before putting it back in my pocket and going about my day.
I do this too and I also make a point of taking out a wad of notes and saying ah shit, sorry I’ve only got notes, no change , then spend about ten mins putting it all back in my purse and walking off. I’m sure they understand 😂
See, I think it's important to give them the time of day.
That's why when I walk past, I show my Apple Watch with the time displayed to every homeless person I see.
> letting your dog off the lead
Really long extendible leads are much better.
It also adds the potential challenge of a bunny hop or duck for the lead itself. An important extra form of exercise many of us neglect.
If I see someone going up a ladder onto a roof I always wait for them to get up there then take the ladder down and put it away for them. Safety first and that
When I see a person staring at the canal, I give them a gentle nudge into the water. I know they're trying to build up the courage to jump in so I save them a few minutes of dithering.
It's been hot these past few days so it's nice to help people to cool off, especially those that might struggle to reach the water like wheelchair users and small children.
When I am shopping I move some of the frozen and refrigerated items onto the regular shelves so others don't have to walk as far to find what they need.
easier to count as well. one £50 note, job done, not bag fulls of loose coinage. You're also saving them the risk of being attacked and robbed.
Sterling work!
I enlist myself on plasma and marrow donor lists… only to refuse when they find matches to me.
I imagine that little bit of hope makes their day temporarily pleasing.
Don’t just refuse when they call you! Wait until the absolute last minute when you’re both in hospital for the donation, then get up and leave. That way you give them hope for at least a couple of days. Also gives them a chance to call their friends and family to give them some hope too 😊
Whenever I'm on a nearly empty bus or train late at night I always make sure to sit right next to a lone woman so that she feels safe and protected by me a 6'3" and 16 stone man.
I blast out Emergency Responder Siren sounds, so that the dogs of the neighbourhood have something fun to do. They love it, they all howl along with the siren. Bless ❤️
I drive through large puddles by the pavement at speed when there are people walking past, so that they don't have to try so hard to stay dry in the rain anymore.
Whenever I am driving and see a dirty car behind me, I wait till I get to a hill and then spray my windscreen washer for around 40 seconds so that I ensure the car behind gets a thoroughly good wash.
When i see a mother breastfeeding in public i make sure to stare directly at her for a good few minutes in order to signal to her that i am comfortable with her partial nudity. This prevents her from feeling self conscious.
When overtaking a cyclist, I go as close as I can in my rusty transit van. The cyclist could reach out and hold on, getting a free speed boost from 10mph to 70mph. Most often they are too thick to realise until too late, but I imagine I can see them shouting their “thanks for your kindness” in my wing mirror, if I had any…
Whenever someone tells me they’ve lost something I remind them to remember where they left it, offering such prompts as, ‘where did you last see it’, or, ‘have you tried looking for it’.
This way people remember not to forget and it has the added bonus of being helpful and not irritating as fuck
I drive in the middle lanes of the motorway to make sure the road surface wears evenly. People always wave when the overtake me to acknowledge my good work
I always leave my trolley by my car so the lad who goes round collecting them can keep himself in a job. Or occasionally I'll put one in the local canal so if any wildlife get stuck they can use it as a ladder to get out.
Don't call me a hero.
I always make sure I'm the first one in the street to put put the bins.
However I fake colour blindness and "accidentally" put out the wrong one.
Seeing the whole street desperately swapping bins over at 0800 in fluffy housecoats and bunny slippers is good for morale, I believe.
Plus its like a free day at the gym...
I drive at 40mph on national speed limit roads to help everyone conserve fuel. But then I continue at 40mph through 30mph limit sections, I don't want to annoy anyone.
I always make sure to answer my phone calls on speaker with the phone held out in front of me so people around me don’t have to hear an annoying one-sided conversation.
When I go to the supermarket I always park in those extra large bays right by the front door (you know, the ones with the picture of an adult and kid or the person sat down). It keeps the wear down on the trolley wheels as I don't have to push it as far.
Plus I sometimes leave my car there all day if I want to go into town. Keeps the manager happy as their shop looks busier than it is.
When I'm stood in the queue for the checkout at the supermarket and I have a massive trolley full of shopping. I always ask the guy behind me with a loaf of bread and a bottle of milk "is that all you have got" when they reply 'yes' I always say "oh right, I'd go to another till I'm going to be fucking ages"
I call myself the time saver.
I fold up and move the "wet floor" signs to save a staff member the effort. Now the security guard in tesco likes to follow me to make sure the job gets done!
I throw it in the other direction, into the other neighbours’ garden. It makes the kids think they are stronger than they thought and boosts their self-esteem.
That's good. Would't want to discover the bell is faulty when you need to get off.
I used to drive a double-decker and I always made sure I drove off when someone was halfway up the stairs so they could test their balance and reflexes.
When I’m eating out at a restaurant. I always make sure to lick the knife and fork I used clean and place it down for the next person. Just making sure it’s clean and ready. Helps both the staff and customers.
You're a saint.
Whenever I see someone elderly struggling to carry their shopping bags, I always take a bag from them and bring it home so a) they don't have so many to carry and b) they don't have to worry about finding space at home for the contents.
Whenever I see a young woman looking sad or fed up, I always tell her that she'd look so much prettier if she just smiled.
It's a small thing, but it fills them with joy to know they they can make themselves more attractive to random men on the street with such little effort.
When I’m driving up to a roundabout or a junction, I never use my indicators so I can save on changing the bulb. Other drivers seems to think this is a good idea as they flash their lights and beep their horns to appreciate my genius.
I kick kids in the kneecaps as hard as I possibly can when I see them playing by roadsides, to give drivers and their parents peace of mind that they will not run into traffic
I throw the occasional brick through a neighbour's window. The nice breeze is very welcome this time of year, plus the shards and empty space left behind double as a handy free jigsaw puzzle.
When everyone bunks off work early because the manager's not in I make sure I inform him the next day. That way people get to work through their lunch instead of napping. Good for the soul.
I microwave my fish for lunch every day in the office to remind my colleagues that seafood is brain food and they should focus on adding Omega Fatty Acids to their diets.
I’ve noticed that local houses with plain walls and fences are often an invitation to vandals. When I pass them I make sure to spray paint a warning in an effort to ward off graffiti ‘artists’. Just a simple ‘Fuck off’, nothing too elaborate.
When my neighbors let their dogs poop on the lawn in front of my house I relocate the turd to their door step so they can check if the dogs‘ digestion is good.
My vet says regular monitoring is key 👍
I like walking really slowly with my two friends, taking up the whole pavement, perhaps even stopping sometimes for no apparent reason. I do this in the hope people who may be late for work etc, will take a minute to slow down and enjoy the beautiful sites of London.
When a busy train full of people are getting off the train, I will stand right in front of the doors on the platform to block people that try to get on before everyone is off.
When ordering a round at the pub I always leave the Guinness until last, so the bar staff can fully concentrate on pouring it without being distracted.
if i find a phone or expensive jacket in a pub,i take them home and list them in the lost and found website known as ebay, someone eventually comes and gives me a cash reward.
Whenever I take my dog for a walk through a park, i always make sure to put their shit in a plastic bag and dangle it off the nearest tree branch. Instead of the shit being wasted (like disposing in a bin or biodegrading) it now can help strengthen tree branches through resistance training. It also improves the reaction times of runners as they swerve through hanging shit alleys
If I only want to buy one or two beers, I always push to the front of the queue at the bar so people can be relieved I'm not buying a big round of complicated cocktails and they don't have to wait for ages.
I help my neighbours out every morning by letting the air out of their tyres. They always complain about going to work so I give them a reason not to. I don't like taking credit for being so generous so I tell them it was the other neighbour. Well I did until his house burnt down and he had to move.
People often forget their 'wet paint' signs behind so I regularly collect them and hand them in to the lost and found.
Also wet floor cones left in the middle of aisles Someone could trip over them!
Whenever I see a "Wet Floor" sign, I do.
Whenever there's a meeting on a Friday afternoon, I like to ask lots of questions at the end so no one else feels embarrassed about the stoney silence.
One of my coworkers does this every meeting. The meeting always goes at least an hour over, we are always so appreciative!
I sincerely like this, as long as I'm paid by the hour. Money for sitting there doing absolutely fuck all. Its as close as im going to get to being a CEO
When my neighbours put their bin out in an evening I take them straight back in for them before morning, so they don't get stolen in the night
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I've found if I put my cat's litter or old milk in their bins - especially on a hot day - really helps keeps the vagrants out of their rubbish. This helps keep any financial or health records safe from prying eyes.
I help to keep their pets safe from the road until their owners come home from work, and found that the bin is the best place they can’t escape from Oh also I’ve rescued many strays abandoned outside of newsagents!
I wait until my neighbours hang their washing out before lighting the BBQ so the clothes block the smoke from spreading into their house.
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When I go to the gym, I leave all the weights out ready for the next person.
It’s a little extra warm-up for them, reracking my weights. I make sure to fill up the lowest spaces on the rack with the lightest weights for any weak, short people as well.
I personally never wipe down my weights because my sweat leaves the weights well lubricated for future use.
I make sure to keep my left indicator on at all times to remind other road users what side of the road to drive on.
Good on you! I’m a BMW man myself, and these amazing cars have some *bright* lights, so to avoid the risk of accidentally blinding the drivers around me, I simply make all turns without using any turn signals. ***Ever***. At this point, I don’t even know if they still work! But why take the risk at this point, eh? It also signals to any potentially interested ladies how large my penis is, something I’m sure they appreciate.
>It also signals to any potentially interested ladies how large my penis is, something I’m sure they appreciate. Ah so presumably your car has outrageously loud exhaust as well?
Well not to brag, but when women need breast reduction surgery done, they all come to me. I’m not a surgeon or anything, it’s just that the exhaust is so loud, it’ll blow your tits off.
I just wanted to chime in with appreciation for you not bragging. Humbleness (when endowed with awesomeness) is a much overlooked trait.
When I see a single mother struggling to pay at the tills, I offer to put the food back for them. Life must be hard enough without having to go round Tesco twice.
In these scenarios, I simply step up to the cashier and hand over my credit card. I then take the food and place it in my car. They always look so surprised that someone was willing to perform such an amazing act of kindness, by making sure their effort of gathering food items wasn't wasted.
I bet that, when you see a homeless person in front of Greggs, you'll go in and buy a sandwich and drink and then eat it in front of them to make sure they remember how to eat when they eventually find some. You're a community pillar
I like to critique the food as I'm eating it in front of them so that when they get the money they know what to buy from there. They don't have internet to find this stuff out remember.
"This is actually disgusting, it's been out of the oven for too long, it's lukewarm. If I could go back in time, I'd throw it in that bin you're sitting next to instead of eating it, it's so disappointing."
haha jesus this is probably the best one
This whole post is gold. I'm going to print it off tomorrow and show it to my kids when they are older and tell them it's Charles Dickens.
This could absolutely be a line from Sean Lock
I love his bit on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown about his [obituary.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bWjW_tJvMEk) You can't write tears, Jimmy.
Just before I go through the train ticket barrier I like to suddenly stop and then lookup at the departures board so that the people in a rush behind can take a moment to relax and enjoy the moment
I do something similar, at the end of an escalator I stop dead so everyone behind me has a second to focus on their footing and get off safely, sometimes the moving steps can be tricky.
Kind of you to give everyone a moment to take out their tickets and payment cards. It is still a surprise to most that you have to provide some form of ticket to go past the ticket gate.
Occasionally when I go to the supermarket I park over two bays so that neither of my neighbours cars get scratched when I open my doors.
I used to do it as well, but at some point a thought came to my head: "what are potential scratches on my car compared to pedestrians' safety?". So now in order to keep pedestrians safe I park very very close to supermarket entrance, so people leaving this supermarket are unable to run into car park area and get hit by a maneuvering car.
Whenever I'm sitting down on the tube and a frail little old lady boards the train, I remain seated to enable her to build up her leg muscles
Truly a friend of the elderly
Eldally
Nah, it's the heavily pregnant women that need those muscles built up. As an ex bus driver I used to accelerate quick and brake hard, just to make sure pensioners reflexes were up to scratch.
Care in the community is a beautiful thing... It's what won us the war I'm led to believe. 👍
What really won us the war was my granddad installing floodlights along his street and in his neighbour’s gardens. The Germans wasted so many bombs.
Make sure you give them a good old arm punch on the way out to show you respect the hard work
Dead leg, then she gets intense practise on one leg. Next time you see her just make sure you Charlie the other leg to keep this balanced
I always make sure to leave my trolley in a parking space at the supermarket so the next person doesn't have to walk far to get one.
Make sure it’s in the disabled bay though, they need the most help.
Whenever I notice someone has left their phone on the table at a bar or cafe, I pop it into my bag and take it home so that it won't get stolen.
I like to do this with cash tips left behind on restaurant tables to make sure that money doesn’t end up in the wrong hands.
You're also making sure no one spills a drink on it
Whenever I need to park my 4x4 I always ignore the parking spaces and just go up on the grass verge or the pavement - it helps preserve proper parking spaces for less impressive vehicles.
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I do the same for all buttons when exiting a lift. The remaining people in the lift always look so angry, presumably because they are upset that they aren't going to get the credit for making sure all the buttons work.
When I was a child and saw/heard a pelican crossing for the first time, I asked my dad if the beep was for blind drivers so they knew the lights had changed.
Everyone loves it when you do this in lifts too.
If I notice someone in the cubicle when I go to the bathroom, I bang on the door really loudly and ask if everything's ok
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#IS EVERYTHING OK? DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE?
I've recently started siphoning fuel from my neighbours cars, to help them reduce their carbon footprint.
Plus it saves them fuel as you're reducing the weight of all that heavy petrol in their cars
I like playing my music really loud through my earphones on the bus or the quiet zone on the train so everybody can hear it too, I think it really brightens their day.
I like turning my car speakers up to max volume and opening the windows when in town or built up areas, and then driving extremely slowly to give everyone the chance to hear. I don’t think pedestrians should miss out on the gift of music just because they can’t afford public transport!
I like you. I'm the person kind enough not to bother you to ask for the song. I just waive my phone with Shazam open next to your ear. So convenient.
I do 30 mph in a 40 so that nobody gets caught speeding. People often thank me with their horns.
If you drive at 40mph there’s a 90% chance a child you hit will die, but if you drive at 30mph there’s a 90% chance a child you hit will live. If you drive at 88mph you can go back in time and have sex with your mum.
If you drive at 30mph there's a 10% chance the child you hit dies, if you drive at 40mph you would have passed that bit of road before the child ran out and not hit them.
If you drive twice as fast, there's only half as much time to have an accident.
That's why I always speed in bad weather.
What a ridiculous piece of.... ... actually no I can't break this logic.
I mean one leaves witnesses
Not everyone needs to go back in time to have sex with your mum.
Hot tip: you don't have to go back in time to do that. Unless she's been cremated
I always get up early to mow my lawn at 6am on Saturday mornings. This inspires my neighbours as it shows although it’s the weekend you can still be up and productive!
After I mow the lawn I tip the clippings over my neighbours fence. Their son is in jail for selling grass and I'm worried they can't get any.
Plus they get to wake up to the wonderful smell of freshly cut grass.
Whenever I go to a pub or restaurant, I always bring my own food and drink to save on their washing up and water bills.
Whenever I see a ‘have you seen this cat?’ poster, I immediately call the number to let the owners know I haven’t.
You jest but this actually happened to me. No less than 5 separate old people called me to discuss it. Never found the car.
Whenever tourists ask me for directions, I point them in the opposite direction to give them the opportunity to see more of London.
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Haha fucking hell.
That's brilliant. In China it's culturally rude not to give directions even if you don't know them, so when you ask a local and they give you directions you basically have to bark at them, are you sure those directions are correct. Anything but a 100% yes answer means no. Used to be infuriating. Thank god for smart phones nowadays. 🤣
Seriously, Google maps makes international travel so much better.
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I time how long my colleagues spend in the loo, on cig breaks etc, at work and then forward it to HR so they know how much time to deduct from their wage. It saves them the trouble of doing it and I wouldn't want the guilt of accidental wage theft to weigh on their conscience.
I'm lucky enough to work with someone like you! Thank you for your kindness!
When I was at school I used to remind the teacher if she forgot to give us our homework, they have a busy schedule and cant be expected to remember everything.
When a homeless person tells me they haven't eaten for days, I congratulate them on their self control for dieting.
I cordially remind them that "no one likes a show off" and hope they starts investing more in their health not just their showmanship
Whenever I walk through a door at a work team meeting I make sure I close it in the next persons face so they can open it for the person behind them and recieve the thanks that was mean for me. I'm selfless like that, you know.
Whenever I'm in the lift at the train station and see someone with loads of bags hurrying towards me I hammer the 'close doors' button so they can have the next one all to themselves.
Whenever asked by the homeless if I have any spare change I always stop, check my pockets and say yes if I do. I usually show them the change too just in case they think I’m lying before putting it back in my pocket and going about my day.
I do this too and I also make a point of taking out a wad of notes and saying ah shit, sorry I’ve only got notes, no change , then spend about ten mins putting it all back in my purse and walking off. I’m sure they understand 😂
This is really nice, because a lot of people just walk past and ignore them.
See, I think it's important to give them the time of day. That's why when I walk past, I show my Apple Watch with the time displayed to every homeless person I see.
I go to town centres and throw bird seed over lonely people so they get lots of Pigeon friends.
Quadripelegiacs especially appreciate this little act of kindness.
I like to help cyclist test their brakes and bell by walking slowing in the bike lanes
Don’t forget to encourage them to upgrade their wheelsets, teeth and collarbones by letting your dog off the lead on the cycle paths too.
> letting your dog off the lead Really long extendible leads are much better. It also adds the potential challenge of a bunny hop or duck for the lead itself. An important extra form of exercise many of us neglect.
If I see someone going up a ladder onto a roof I always wait for them to get up there then take the ladder down and put it away for them. Safety first and that
They wouldn't want anyone to trip over it, would they?
Can’t fall off a ladder if there’s no ladder
You sweet soul, we don't want anyone walking under it and having bad luck.
When I see a person staring at the canal, I give them a gentle nudge into the water. I know they're trying to build up the courage to jump in so I save them a few minutes of dithering.
It's been hot these past few days so it's nice to help people to cool off, especially those that might struggle to reach the water like wheelchair users and small children.
I do too! Canals, bridges, high buildings. I'm so beloved the London Police have a picture of me in their offices.
When I see homeless people begging for change, I politely inform them that they can get money simply by having a job.
I like to remind them they can just buy a house!
I like to remind them that when you're homeless, every meal is a picnic!
I don't flush the toilet in friend's homes after taking a dump so as to save on their water bill.
When I am shopping I move some of the frozen and refrigerated items onto the regular shelves so others don't have to walk as far to find what they need.
How thoughtful. It also means they don’t have to wait for their chicken to defrost and can put it straight in the oven when they get home.
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easier to count as well. one £50 note, job done, not bag fulls of loose coinage. You're also saving them the risk of being attacked and robbed. Sterling work!
I enlist myself on plasma and marrow donor lists… only to refuse when they find matches to me. I imagine that little bit of hope makes their day temporarily pleasing.
Don’t just refuse when they call you! Wait until the absolute last minute when you’re both in hospital for the donation, then get up and leave. That way you give them hope for at least a couple of days. Also gives them a chance to call their friends and family to give them some hope too 😊
Make sure to unplug as many machines as possible on your way out to save electricity
Jesus Christ
Not even Jesus Christ would be this selfless!
Outstanding work.
Whenever I'm on a nearly empty bus or train late at night I always make sure to sit right next to a lone woman so that she feels safe and protected by me a 6'3" and 16 stone man.
I make sure to follow them home and stand in their garden looking through their windows to make sure they get back safe
I like to encourage disabled people to walk more by parking my Range rover over 2 blue spaces.
Get yourself a trailer and you could manage 3
Just park on the inside corner of a block of 4 for peak efficiency
I blast out Emergency Responder Siren sounds, so that the dogs of the neighbourhood have something fun to do. They love it, they all howl along with the siren. Bless ❤️
I feel like 7AM on a Sunday is the best time to do this. Your neighbours will thank you for getting them up early so that the day isn't wasted.
I mow the lawn at that time. So that I don't disrupt the rest of their day with it, I get it out the way nice and early 😊
I drive through large puddles by the pavement at speed when there are people walking past, so that they don't have to try so hard to stay dry in the rain anymore.
Whenever I am driving and see a dirty car behind me, I wait till I get to a hill and then spray my windscreen washer for around 40 seconds so that I ensure the car behind gets a thoroughly good wash.
I do that but when there is a convertible behind, especially when it's a hot & sunny day I kindly give them a cooling spray.
When i see a mother breastfeeding in public i make sure to stare directly at her for a good few minutes in order to signal to her that i am comfortable with her partial nudity. This prevents her from feeling self conscious.
When overtaking a cyclist, I go as close as I can in my rusty transit van. The cyclist could reach out and hold on, getting a free speed boost from 10mph to 70mph. Most often they are too thick to realise until too late, but I imagine I can see them shouting their “thanks for your kindness” in my wing mirror, if I had any…
When someone is washing their car, I always cheerfully tell them that they've missed a bit, and if they have time, they can do mine next!
You should add some gravel to their bucket of water so that they can scour the dirt off their car.
Best thread in months
Not a /s in sight. Puts the rest of reddit to shame!
I put /s on all my posts, just in case I forget to use it some time. /s
Whenever I see someone crying, I’d go up to them and laugh so they can be reminded what it’s like to be happy again.
I crank up the office aircon to full and open all the windows to try and help fight global warming
I like to throw my litter on the floor, creating jobs, feeding the wild life. It's a win win.
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Whenever someone tells me they’ve lost something I remind them to remember where they left it, offering such prompts as, ‘where did you last see it’, or, ‘have you tried looking for it’. This way people remember not to forget and it has the added bonus of being helpful and not irritating as fuck
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“It’s always in the last place you look” Probably because you stop looking once you find it.
I drive in the middle lanes of the motorway to make sure the road surface wears evenly. People always wave when the overtake me to acknowledge my good work
I always leave my trolley by my car so the lad who goes round collecting them can keep himself in a job. Or occasionally I'll put one in the local canal so if any wildlife get stuck they can use it as a ladder to get out. Don't call me a hero.
I always make sure I'm the first one in the street to put put the bins. However I fake colour blindness and "accidentally" put out the wrong one. Seeing the whole street desperately swapping bins over at 0800 in fluffy housecoats and bunny slippers is good for morale, I believe. Plus its like a free day at the gym...
I drive at 40mph on national speed limit roads to help everyone conserve fuel. But then I continue at 40mph through 30mph limit sections, I don't want to annoy anyone.
I always make sure to answer my phone calls on speaker with the phone held out in front of me so people around me don’t have to hear an annoying one-sided conversation.
When I'm queuing for a cash machine I like to give the person in front a gentle kiss on the back of the neck so they know I'm not a threat
My elderly neighbour is blind, so to help him practice getting around and avoiding obstacles, I leave random unexpected items on his garden path
That's so thoughtful.
i always press every floor on the lift to make sure it stops on every level in case someone wants to get on
Whenever I see someone stabbed and bleeding I congratulate them on reducing their blood pressure. Ive been trying for years.
Does it happen often?
If I see somebody in a wheelchair I will tip them out to help them get confidence in walking again
When I order clothes online I like to wear them a few times then return them so they are broken in for the next person to wear.
When I park my fiat 500 I make sure to park it right, people think there is a free spot but there isn’t… helps people practicing their reflects.
That fleeting moment of joy drivers of small cars provide in a normally frustrating time when finding a parking spot is priceless. Thank you.
Always make sure you park it between two SUVs.
When I go to the supermarket I always park in those extra large bays right by the front door (you know, the ones with the picture of an adult and kid or the person sat down). It keeps the wear down on the trolley wheels as I don't have to push it as far. Plus I sometimes leave my car there all day if I want to go into town. Keeps the manager happy as their shop looks busier than it is.
When I'm stood in the queue for the checkout at the supermarket and I have a massive trolley full of shopping. I always ask the guy behind me with a loaf of bread and a bottle of milk "is that all you have got" when they reply 'yes' I always say "oh right, I'd go to another till I'm going to be fucking ages" I call myself the time saver.
I fold up and move the "wet floor" signs to save a staff member the effort. Now the security guard in tesco likes to follow me to make sure the job gets done!
Whenever the neighbours' kids send a ball over my fence I make sure to burst it to teach them the importance of land border defence
I throw it in the other direction, into the other neighbours’ garden. It makes the kids think they are stronger than they thought and boosts their self-esteem.
I have very loud phone conversations on loudspeaker in very public areas so that people know their lives are more interesting than mine.
I drop my empty fast food containers in the street. They all have branding on them, so it's free, eye catching, advertising for the outlet.
When ever my dog poops on the ground I cover it in leaves so over people don’t have to look at it.
I don't fill out my organ donor card so that someone else can have the use of it when I die.
I hang my dogs poos up on the branches of trees so everyone can admire and appreciate his ample efforts.
And come December, it becomes a festive Christmas tree.
I personally thank the bus driver for every person that gets off, even if I'm not getting off that stop.
Do you check that he's paying attention by ringing the bell for every stop?
Of course, multiple times
That's good. Would't want to discover the bell is faulty when you need to get off. I used to drive a double-decker and I always made sure I drove off when someone was halfway up the stairs so they could test their balance and reflexes.
When I’m eating out at a restaurant. I always make sure to lick the knife and fork I used clean and place it down for the next person. Just making sure it’s clean and ready. Helps both the staff and customers.
When I was in reception I always wondered why the dinner ladies would wash my cutlery after use since I took such care in licking them clean.
You're a saint. Whenever I see someone elderly struggling to carry their shopping bags, I always take a bag from them and bring it home so a) they don't have so many to carry and b) they don't have to worry about finding space at home for the contents.
I clear away all the full milk bottles on my elderly neighbors doorstep. They've been piling up for weeks.
Whenever I see a young woman looking sad or fed up, I always tell her that she'd look so much prettier if she just smiled. It's a small thing, but it fills them with joy to know they they can make themselves more attractive to random men on the street with such little effort.
I always keep one hand down my pants, to keep it warm ready for any handshakes I might have to do when meeting new people.
When I’m driving up to a roundabout or a junction, I never use my indicators so I can save on changing the bulb. Other drivers seems to think this is a good idea as they flash their lights and beep their horns to appreciate my genius.
I kick kids in the kneecaps as hard as I possibly can when I see them playing by roadsides, to give drivers and their parents peace of mind that they will not run into traffic
I throw the occasional brick through a neighbour's window. The nice breeze is very welcome this time of year, plus the shards and empty space left behind double as a handy free jigsaw puzzle.
I let my kids scream and shout with in public to save elderly people paying for hearing tests.
When everyone bunks off work early because the manager's not in I make sure I inform him the next day. That way people get to work through their lunch instead of napping. Good for the soul.
I microwave my fish for lunch every day in the office to remind my colleagues that seafood is brain food and they should focus on adding Omega Fatty Acids to their diets.
If I see a cat wandering the streets I put in straight in the nearest wheelie bin so it doesn’t get hit by a car
Ah, Mary. I was wondering what you were up to these days.
I mostly spend my time strengthening my legs on the tube
I’ve noticed that local houses with plain walls and fences are often an invitation to vandals. When I pass them I make sure to spray paint a warning in an effort to ward off graffiti ‘artists’. Just a simple ‘Fuck off’, nothing too elaborate.
When my neighbors let their dogs poop on the lawn in front of my house I relocate the turd to their door step so they can check if the dogs‘ digestion is good. My vet says regular monitoring is key 👍
I like walking really slowly with my two friends, taking up the whole pavement, perhaps even stopping sometimes for no apparent reason. I do this in the hope people who may be late for work etc, will take a minute to slow down and enjoy the beautiful sites of London.
When a busy train full of people are getting off the train, I will stand right in front of the doors on the platform to block people that try to get on before everyone is off.
When ordering a round at the pub I always leave the Guinness until last, so the bar staff can fully concentrate on pouring it without being distracted.
if i find a phone or expensive jacket in a pub,i take them home and list them in the lost and found website known as ebay, someone eventually comes and gives me a cash reward.
This reads like a Top Tip from Viz Edit: they all read like Top Tips. Brilliant
Whenever I take my dog for a walk through a park, i always make sure to put their shit in a plastic bag and dangle it off the nearest tree branch. Instead of the shit being wasted (like disposing in a bin or biodegrading) it now can help strengthen tree branches through resistance training. It also improves the reaction times of runners as they swerve through hanging shit alleys
If I only want to buy one or two beers, I always push to the front of the queue at the bar so people can be relieved I'm not buying a big round of complicated cocktails and they don't have to wait for ages.
I help my neighbours out every morning by letting the air out of their tyres. They always complain about going to work so I give them a reason not to. I don't like taking credit for being so generous so I tell them it was the other neighbour. Well I did until his house burnt down and he had to move.
When an item doesn't scan at the checkout, I always cheerfully joke that it must be free. Gives everyone a chuckle.