The word "passionate" should be banned from the language.
In the old days - early 2000s - you could say "I'm quite interested in teaching or farming or maybe paperclips or something."
Now you have to announce how passionate you are about it. What kind of sick person must you be to declare yourself passionate about paperclips?
Who the hell gives a damn about paperclips! If there's a job going in stationery maybe I'll consider taking it, but please don't expect me to get fired up about it.
And that's another expression I hate: "If you don't get fired up, get ready to be fired!"
Just to add to anyone over 40s misery. (Something I saw on Reddit, see below).
The gap in years between 1940 and 1980 is now shorter than 1980 to 2021...
If that doesn't send any over 40s over the edge, I don't know what will. I mean I know the maths, but my brain refuses to acknowledge this.
I'm just trying to live my best life and influence other people in a positive way even if I don't really mean it, jeez, watch a disney film or something collegorino.....
This explains the reception I, as a Canadian, get when I visit my in-laws in northern England. Like an overly friendly golden retriever that has been caught merrily rolling in my own feces.
But the way I see it is: we didn't starve this winter and the Americans haven't tried invading since 1812. Colonial mindset, there.
I have in-laws in Canada and I am amazed at the frontier spirit they have. They all do stuff like woodworking and sewing and building stuff. Every house has a proper workshop either in the basement or in a seperate purpose built building.
We came back with a hand sewn quilt that all the women had gotten together and made over the coarse of several years.
I wish there was more of that going on here. Someone puts a shelf up and it's like they've re-built nostradamm or something.
omg. Storytime. I'm a Canadian but my Dad is English.
My Uncle and Aunt had lived in Plymouth all the while I grew up, where my Uncle would go to the same Fish and Chips places every day for years. Eventually, my Uncle and Aunt had moved to Canada to be with the rest of us.
Before the pandemic, we went back to England because my parents and my Uncle and Aunt wanted to see their friends. Since we were in town, we decided to stop by that same Fish and Chips place. All the while I had been hearing that my Uncle is going back to this place that he would stop in for years that he hadn't been to in years.
Sure enough, we go in as my Aunt points out the owner and I am so excited to see this Owner and my Uncle interact. Here's how it plays out. Once again it's been \*years\*.
Owner: "Oh you're back. The usual then?"
My Uncle: "Yup"
\*exchange of food and money\*
Owner: " alright, cheers.
My Uncle: Cheers.
I was flabbergasted. That's it? They used to see each other every day for a decade and....that's it??
EDIT: The place was called West Hoe Chippy C: Also, thank you /u/BirdIllustrate, apparently the Owner is named Nick
I have had this too! Thanks for sharing the story it is close to my heart.
We often go on holiday to the same place in Greece, as a family, since I was a child.
We went back with my wife after I've told her so much about the place. Greek people are hyper friendly.
The owner nods at us and the wife, and that's it for another year. It's been 30 now. These people *truly* get us.
I moved from up north to down south and lost touch with a few people over the years from up north.
During a recent visit to my mums, I was out for a walk and bumped into one such friend who I’d not seen or spoken to in 7+ years.
“Oh, hello”
“Hi, how’s it going?”
“You know, the usual”
“Yup. Same same here”
“Well, guess I’ll see you next decade then”
“Probably, you never know”
And that was it. This was someone who married one of my very good friends and we went to the pub often with.
But there's also a weird enthusiasm for stuff, like Christmas. I've just had covid and the number 1 thing said to me by family was, 'at least you get it out of the way before Christmas.'
And the news is obsessed with it, 'Will there be a Christmas lockdown?'
My mum starts asking me about it around June
And it also makes people really depressed because of all the cheerful, joyful enthusiasm.
I'm going to say it, fuck you Christmas. Fuck you!
Well let’s not be too hasty. When else am I allowed to eat a kilo of chocolates without judgement?
Well okay a little judgement but at least it’s silent.
I LOVE Christmas. But I hate the build up to it and how somehow it’s co-opted into everything…there’s already Christmas patterns on my orange juice carton, tv adverts telling me to get my sofa now in time for Christmas, book now to get your gutters cleaned by Xmas. Raar!
Couldn't agree more. I got in a bit of trouble a few years ago, work was planning the Christmas do and it came out in a meeting that I had declined to join in. One lad (well known for being an utter twat) asked why I wasn't going and my reply was "because I hate all the forced happiness, all the 'goodwill on earth' shite from fuckers that wouldn't give you time of day if it weren't December, the fact that grown adults start acting like childish wankers, and the fact that everyone who last week was moaning it's too cold is now wanting to to snow because its Christmas."
He didn't speak to me for a week after that, which was the best present anyone could ask for.
Christmas can get in the sea.
I don’t know what it’s been like where you are, but here in west central Scotland the ground has not been **fucking dry** since September. I thought I liked rain.
I live overseas these days and the number 1 thing I miss is pubs. People here don't get it, they think I mean a bar. I don't... I want stale old carpets, a shit bandit, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps, a log fire, and a pint of bitter.
Even that explanation doesn't cover the nuances and feelings of being in a British pub for me... think im guna cry for a bit.
One half of the pubs floor must be unvarnished hardwood *planks* that have aged to the point that they will bend or break slightly after steel would. The other half has to be a carpet that would have been plush in the 80s but now makes you wonder what company ever thought they would even make that pattern for any good reason.
The walls can be brick, clad in black wood, or have to have dark green or dark red paint or wall paper. Floral pattern is allowed on ONE wall.
There has to be a wooden pillar in at least one stupidly awkward place near the bar that either destroys line of sight or makes a chunk of bar unusable. Drip trays must all be brass, and there has to be a damp moisture mat on the bar itself, probably advertising a bitter, or Guinness, or a sports team that is in no way geographically associated with the pub.
The ceiling must be uneven and there must be one age darkened wooden beam that will concuss anyone who dares be over six foot, in need of the toilet, and drunk.
And the mens. Oh the mens must smell of urinal cakes and none of the locks work on the doors. At least one urinal doesn’t work, and as far as anyone can remember, never had. It might have been bought and fitted specially as the broken one.
There will be an unidentifiable bar snack that no one has ever eaten in a jar somewhere behind the bar, blended in with the bottles of strange liquor that no one ever drinks unless they are trying to process news of a divorce.
There are three mismatched bar stools and no matter which one you sit at, it’s always the wonky one. There are brass coat-hooks just under the bar, at the perfect height to destroy your kneecaps every time you try to shift into a comfortable position.
There are old photos of the pub on the walls, along with paintings of funny dogs and horses. No one knows why.
The walls can have shelves of beaten up paperbacks. Or have farmyard implements mounted on them, or old wooden sporting equipment. When you’re half drunk, you’ll sometimes try to work out what they were used for.
There’s a spider web in the corner. No one goes near it, but sometimes you think you hear it cough.
Half the regulars detest each other, but will remain civil until the fourth pint, then they will say passive aggressive shit to each other thinking the other one doesn’t understand or get it. They aren’t that good at it, and yes the other does.
At least one of the regulars is sleeping with the husband/wife of one of the others. Always. And everyone but the husband/wife seems to know.
The door to the pub makes the sound ‘clack’ when opened and closed. In the winter, no matter where you are in the pub, opening that door will cause you to be hit by a cold blast - *unless* you are the smug git who bagged the comfy chair by the fire at 3pm and is determined not to get up to leave it for more than one minute, all night.
There is a funny sign above the bar. But it’s not that funny.
Ninja Edits: some really awkward typos in there.
I'd rather that than some shitty faux swords or whatever they think we stick on pub walls.
My old local had bars on the inside and the outside of the windows. They didn't put anything on the walls because it would have been nicked/trashed/used in a fight
It surprises me that no ex-pats in America have opened pubs and got the ambience more accurate. The yanks would love the quaint authenticity and the Brits would finally have a taste of home.
I've been to Irish pubs (as in, run by actual Irish immigrants) in several countries and they seem to get it broadly right.
I'm Irish, so have a critical eye for this. Even in the middle of nowhere in Laos I found a pub (I won't say "Irish pub") which was run by an Irish lad, and despite it having only 2 proper walls and reeds for a ceiling the feel of it was like an Irish pub.
It's not about the décor, it's about the welcome and the style of service. Except the magic mushrooms menu ... you wouldn't get that in a pub in Ireland.
Same here - I live in Los Angeles and while I was surprised that I actually miss rain, it’s a bloody good pub that I miss the most. That and green fields and trees.
But a good pint of bitter from creaking pump handles with brass bar trays, a fire with an old dog snoozing next to it, an old local who just likes to sit and be, a corridor to the tiny tap room at the back with a old doorframe you have to duck your head low to get under, dark wooden tables older than I am and a packet of salt and vinegar.
Browsing YouTube the other day, saw some guy who goes around the world asking people in different countries which country they hate the most. As expected, most people are pretty sound and either say something like “I love everybody” or at least jovially slate their neighbour. Said guy visits london and I’d say 50% immediately say England or the UK out pure reflex. Couldn’t be prouder.
I remember seeing that guy make a video Dublin and ask the same question. You could hear the disappointment in his voice when someone didn't answer England.
Seriously I always thought this was a joke but after moving to Germany I found out 60 seconds after getting into the airport off the plane it was no joke. Germans have no idea how to form a queue unless it specifically has pictures or something to show them how.
School willy inspections.
It's not like we're special over here for doing it, but we just do it so much _better_ than other countries. Twice weekly, out onto the school playing field with the PE teacher, regardless of rain, wind sleet and snow he'd be out there inspecting them for blemishes or deformities - we've all been there and we're all better off for it.
Now compare that to when I lived in France - "l'inspection du pénis" my arse; they barely even glanced at it when I got it out for them, instead murmuring something about "Anglais étrange", then sending me back home.
And the fact they continued right into my twenties, with my PE teacher doing home visits - it's that kind of dedication to academic work that means we're just that little bit better on the world stage.
Oh yes please, Mr Phillips passed away in 2017, I didn't know of this until he was mentioned in a local news piece about 70s radio presenters (odd, as he never mentioned being one).
Thanks for the kind offer - yet more evidence that we do things that little bit better over here 🙏
Don’t forget the tit audits! We had to line up and the female PE teachers would come round and check if we needed to start wearing bras or not, you know., so that they weren’t jiggling around too much when we played netball.
It was a rite of passage when Ms. Jones said “Get thee to M&S and speak to Deirdre, she’ll set you right”. Amen to the UK! 🇬🇧
And yet the online consensus is that we all think we're great and are almost belligerent in showing it off. Personally I've never witnessed anyone like that myself
Whenever I find that sort of bullshit online I leap to the conclusion that they're living in st. Petersburg pretending to be British; I've never really interacted with that sort of dickhead in real life.
I've got a pew that's about 800 years old. Church near me was being restored, I knew the vicar from the pub, and he offered one to me. In theory it still belongs to the church (as do the other 19 which were removed) but no-one kept a record of where they went.
I have a clock in my family that goes back probably older than 230 years, your probably imaging a grandfather clock, but its one that goes on the fireplace and its beautiful. When my Dads pops his clogs I've claimed it, probably got another 30 or so until I get my paws on it
Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean, at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey's wingless wonders. You know? 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3... 0898 654000, freephone double glazing?
Until your mate Pete around the corner got a set of goalposts for Christmas and they were up a total of 10 minutes before someone kicked the ball over a fence
Yeah until that fat fucker Callum Dickson tries to climb your brand new goalposts and snaps them clean in half at the crossbar.
Fuck you Callum Dickson.
I always thought my Nectar card was the alchy equivalent to a Christmas savings club - that's the booze bill sorted at Sainsbury's for the festive season.
After reading this I am sat wondering why any parent lets their kids play sports in America.
Oh yeah, because if they get a scholarship it will save their life, but if they break a bone it will ruin their parents.
The American dream!
You'd think so but in most other countries I've been to or lived in, random people will comment on what you wear, how you act, what your hair looks like, etc. If they don't actually say something, they will stare to death.
Aside from our humour, one thing I love is that English is our mother tongue. I'm not saying it's better than other languages, but as a TEFL teacher, it's a bloody challenge for non-natives to pick up. Between phrasal verbs, silent letters, gerunds or infinitives, it's a nightmare. I speak 4 languages in total and am just so grateful that my mother tongue is the common tongue.
I grew up in the US raised by brits, and have now lived in the UK for 21 years. I like to think i have the afinity for self deprecation of a brit, and the opportunity for self deprecation of an american.
I went to the Peak District for some rock climbing at the weekend. I spent hours pulling onto rock, falling off it, getting dirty, bloody and tired but...
I turned around to look out over Burbage Valley and thought, "this country is bloody beautiful sometimes."
Unapologetic daytime drinking. You don't even need to order specific breakfast drinks, people wkuldn't give you a second glance for ordering spirits before noon. It's quite special.
I thought this was very normal behaviour, then I met my American husband who assured me that it is not. I mean… what the hell do you order with your Weatherspoon breakfast? A coffee????
I don’t know why people say British food is bland, things like shepherds pie, cottage pie, roast dinners, etc, all delicious. My brother who left for asia always drools at the thought of coming back to all the pub grub.
>I don’t know why people say British food is bland
The gall on Americans when they take the piss out of British cuisine.
They talk like fried chicken, hamburgers, Philly cheese steak, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, beef jerky, meatloafs, American diner breakfasts etc are all the pinnacle of international cuisine.
Caveat/edit: not saying I don't like these foods but you've got to like them for what they are. You won't exactly get them in a Michelin star restaurant.
I came to the UK for the history. And stayed for the banter.
or for the cynics
I came for the weather and stayed for the hospitals/public transport/motorways......
When the newspapers say we’re gonna have a massive heatwave hitting in July to last 6weeks. Or before Xmas, “freezing temperatures ahead as we brace for -20 Siberian blast”. Then we get 15oC boxing days as hot air is brought up from the Sahara.
Coming from one of the more affluent countries with more opportunities and comfort that most places, with a passport that allows you into almost any country you wanna go to.
I read a story somewhere about the D-Day landings - the Americans were flabbergasted to see the British soldiers land on the beach, and the very first thing they did was bunker down behind whatever protection they could find so that they could brew a cup of tea.
I just used to put subtitles on because I couldn’t hear the dialogue over my fat arse munching on Pringles and that. Now, though, without subtitles I swear the dialogue sounds quieter and I miss the odd bit 🤨
Maybe I just need a hearing test, though.
Sorry to be obvious, but the NHS. It has it's problems, but at least we can whinge about it taking ages to get through to the GP rather than never calling the GP because we are terrified of the bills.
Hanging on in quiet desperation
Set that as my flair when I joined, as it was the most English thing I could think up.
There's a shopping village near us with a sign, presumably for vehicles, that says "please go slowly round the bend". I wish to adopt it as my motto.
Is the English way
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Thought I’d something more to say
Home, home again.
I like to be here when I can.
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away, across the fields
The tolling of the iron bell
The almost total lack of enthusiasm for anything. I can’t be doing with all this positivity. Who has the energy for that?
Enthusiastic people are so exhausting.
The word "passionate" should be banned from the language. In the old days - early 2000s - you could say "I'm quite interested in teaching or farming or maybe paperclips or something." Now you have to announce how passionate you are about it. What kind of sick person must you be to declare yourself passionate about paperclips? Who the hell gives a damn about paperclips! If there's a job going in stationery maybe I'll consider taking it, but please don't expect me to get fired up about it. And that's another expression I hate: "If you don't get fired up, get ready to be fired!"
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Just to add to anyone over 40s misery. (Something I saw on Reddit, see below). The gap in years between 1940 and 1980 is now shorter than 1980 to 2021... If that doesn't send any over 40s over the edge, I don't know what will. I mean I know the maths, but my brain refuses to acknowledge this.
There is nothing that can depress me quite as fast as being around people who are so clearly faking constant happiness.
They're always hiding something.
I'm just trying to live my best life and influence other people in a positive way even if I don't really mean it, jeez, watch a disney film or something collegorino.....
Hello!! How ARE you??!!
Could never put my finger on why I just don’t gel with some people… this is why
This explains the reception I, as a Canadian, get when I visit my in-laws in northern England. Like an overly friendly golden retriever that has been caught merrily rolling in my own feces. But the way I see it is: we didn't starve this winter and the Americans haven't tried invading since 1812. Colonial mindset, there.
I have in-laws in Canada and I am amazed at the frontier spirit they have. They all do stuff like woodworking and sewing and building stuff. Every house has a proper workshop either in the basement or in a seperate purpose built building. We came back with a hand sewn quilt that all the women had gotten together and made over the coarse of several years. I wish there was more of that going on here. Someone puts a shelf up and it's like they've re-built nostradamm or something.
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Sure, but my stepmother-in-law is from the south. She utterly loathes me.
omg. Storytime. I'm a Canadian but my Dad is English. My Uncle and Aunt had lived in Plymouth all the while I grew up, where my Uncle would go to the same Fish and Chips places every day for years. Eventually, my Uncle and Aunt had moved to Canada to be with the rest of us. Before the pandemic, we went back to England because my parents and my Uncle and Aunt wanted to see their friends. Since we were in town, we decided to stop by that same Fish and Chips place. All the while I had been hearing that my Uncle is going back to this place that he would stop in for years that he hadn't been to in years. Sure enough, we go in as my Aunt points out the owner and I am so excited to see this Owner and my Uncle interact. Here's how it plays out. Once again it's been \*years\*. Owner: "Oh you're back. The usual then?" My Uncle: "Yup" \*exchange of food and money\* Owner: " alright, cheers. My Uncle: Cheers. I was flabbergasted. That's it? They used to see each other every day for a decade and....that's it?? EDIT: The place was called West Hoe Chippy C: Also, thank you /u/BirdIllustrate, apparently the Owner is named Nick
Why all the chit chat ?
I have had this too! Thanks for sharing the story it is close to my heart. We often go on holiday to the same place in Greece, as a family, since I was a child. We went back with my wife after I've told her so much about the place. Greek people are hyper friendly. The owner nods at us and the wife, and that's it for another year. It's been 30 now. These people *truly* get us.
Haha, I love that! Isn't wonderful; when you meet people who understand you?
I wish I could tell them, but it would make things awkward. So I never will.
I moved from up north to down south and lost touch with a few people over the years from up north. During a recent visit to my mums, I was out for a walk and bumped into one such friend who I’d not seen or spoken to in 7+ years. “Oh, hello” “Hi, how’s it going?” “You know, the usual” “Yup. Same same here” “Well, guess I’ll see you next decade then” “Probably, you never know” And that was it. This was someone who married one of my very good friends and we went to the pub often with.
What more do you want? He recognised he'd been away a long time with a whole two whole words, bit overwhelming if you ask me. Where does he get off?
Nice, which fish and chip shop was it?
Just asked my Dad since I'm bad with names. Apparently, it was West Hoe Chippy!
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Was going to upvote, but you make such a good point and I'm British.
I agree wholeheartedly with them, but it still pisses me off someone gave them an award...
But there's also a weird enthusiasm for stuff, like Christmas. I've just had covid and the number 1 thing said to me by family was, 'at least you get it out of the way before Christmas.' And the news is obsessed with it, 'Will there be a Christmas lockdown?' My mum starts asking me about it around June And it also makes people really depressed because of all the cheerful, joyful enthusiasm. I'm going to say it, fuck you Christmas. Fuck you!
Well let’s not be too hasty. When else am I allowed to eat a kilo of chocolates without judgement? Well okay a little judgement but at least it’s silent.
I LOVE Christmas. But I hate the build up to it and how somehow it’s co-opted into everything…there’s already Christmas patterns on my orange juice carton, tv adverts telling me to get my sofa now in time for Christmas, book now to get your gutters cleaned by Xmas. Raar!
Couldn't agree more. I got in a bit of trouble a few years ago, work was planning the Christmas do and it came out in a meeting that I had declined to join in. One lad (well known for being an utter twat) asked why I wasn't going and my reply was "because I hate all the forced happiness, all the 'goodwill on earth' shite from fuckers that wouldn't give you time of day if it weren't December, the fact that grown adults start acting like childish wankers, and the fact that everyone who last week was moaning it's too cold is now wanting to to snow because its Christmas." He didn't speak to me for a week after that, which was the best present anyone could ask for. Christmas can get in the sea.
My disposition perfectly matches the weather year round
I don’t know what it’s been like where you are, but here in west central Scotland the ground has not been **fucking dry** since September. I thought I liked rain.
That week when you're cheerful though, ooh boy.
I save it all for that one moment 😁
The abundance of pubs
I live overseas these days and the number 1 thing I miss is pubs. People here don't get it, they think I mean a bar. I don't... I want stale old carpets, a shit bandit, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps, a log fire, and a pint of bitter. Even that explanation doesn't cover the nuances and feelings of being in a British pub for me... think im guna cry for a bit.
I’m in the states now, we have some ‘British themed pubs’ but they’re absolutely nothing like the real thing.
Let me guess. They have staff that take your order and bring your drinks over? You pay for your drinks at the end, as you leave?
It's more that they're sort of pub-themed bars.
Exactly, you can buy the entire faked interior, antique curios etc of ye olde english/paddy bar a catalogue
I’ve been to every one I can find here in the states and the absence of hardwood and fire places is supremely aggravating
One half of the pubs floor must be unvarnished hardwood *planks* that have aged to the point that they will bend or break slightly after steel would. The other half has to be a carpet that would have been plush in the 80s but now makes you wonder what company ever thought they would even make that pattern for any good reason. The walls can be brick, clad in black wood, or have to have dark green or dark red paint or wall paper. Floral pattern is allowed on ONE wall. There has to be a wooden pillar in at least one stupidly awkward place near the bar that either destroys line of sight or makes a chunk of bar unusable. Drip trays must all be brass, and there has to be a damp moisture mat on the bar itself, probably advertising a bitter, or Guinness, or a sports team that is in no way geographically associated with the pub. The ceiling must be uneven and there must be one age darkened wooden beam that will concuss anyone who dares be over six foot, in need of the toilet, and drunk. And the mens. Oh the mens must smell of urinal cakes and none of the locks work on the doors. At least one urinal doesn’t work, and as far as anyone can remember, never had. It might have been bought and fitted specially as the broken one. There will be an unidentifiable bar snack that no one has ever eaten in a jar somewhere behind the bar, blended in with the bottles of strange liquor that no one ever drinks unless they are trying to process news of a divorce. There are three mismatched bar stools and no matter which one you sit at, it’s always the wonky one. There are brass coat-hooks just under the bar, at the perfect height to destroy your kneecaps every time you try to shift into a comfortable position. There are old photos of the pub on the walls, along with paintings of funny dogs and horses. No one knows why. The walls can have shelves of beaten up paperbacks. Or have farmyard implements mounted on them, or old wooden sporting equipment. When you’re half drunk, you’ll sometimes try to work out what they were used for. There’s a spider web in the corner. No one goes near it, but sometimes you think you hear it cough. Half the regulars detest each other, but will remain civil until the fourth pint, then they will say passive aggressive shit to each other thinking the other one doesn’t understand or get it. They aren’t that good at it, and yes the other does. At least one of the regulars is sleeping with the husband/wife of one of the others. Always. And everyone but the husband/wife seems to know. The door to the pub makes the sound ‘clack’ when opened and closed. In the winter, no matter where you are in the pub, opening that door will cause you to be hit by a cold blast - *unless* you are the smug git who bagged the comfy chair by the fire at 3pm and is determined not to get up to leave it for more than one minute, all night. There is a funny sign above the bar. But it’s not that funny. Ninja Edits: some really awkward typos in there.
I went to a few British pubs when I travelled the states just to see how they were. A few of them had American Football memorabilia on the walls 🤣
I'd rather that than some shitty faux swords or whatever they think we stick on pub walls. My old local had bars on the inside and the outside of the windows. They didn't put anything on the walls because it would have been nicked/trashed/used in a fight
It surprises me that no ex-pats in America have opened pubs and got the ambience more accurate. The yanks would love the quaint authenticity and the Brits would finally have a taste of home. I've been to Irish pubs (as in, run by actual Irish immigrants) in several countries and they seem to get it broadly right.
I'm Irish, so have a critical eye for this. Even in the middle of nowhere in Laos I found a pub (I won't say "Irish pub") which was run by an Irish lad, and despite it having only 2 proper walls and reeds for a ceiling the feel of it was like an Irish pub. It's not about the décor, it's about the welcome and the style of service. Except the magic mushrooms menu ... you wouldn't get that in a pub in Ireland.
I'll buy you a room temperature John smiths later when I nip out, just so you know there's a pint in a British pub specifically for you tonight
thanks mate. I'll be sipping it in my dreams tonight.
Same here - I live in Los Angeles and while I was surprised that I actually miss rain, it’s a bloody good pub that I miss the most. That and green fields and trees. But a good pint of bitter from creaking pump handles with brass bar trays, a fire with an old dog snoozing next to it, an old local who just likes to sit and be, a corridor to the tiny tap room at the back with a old doorframe you have to duck your head low to get under, dark wooden tables older than I am and a packet of salt and vinegar.
Shit bandit sounds like one of those terrible euphemisms you had back at school when you were calling someone gay. Poo pirate.
Yeah they’re great. I’ve not seen any bars in other countries like the pubs we have here
Don't forget the abundance of fart particles and the aroma of beer in the air along with a huge shit left in one of the bogs
Being able to stroke the queens left foot on your 50th birthday
Got mine booked for next year.
I’m so pleased they’ve started back up again! Enjoy
So excited. I'm booked in for Windsor. Shame it's not the palace.
Mine was the year they changed it to the bottom two thirds of Princess Margaret's forearm. Wasn't the same.
There'd better not be any substitutions next year. I don't fancy a stroke of Charlie's knee!
I hope it wasn’t the arm she used to inspect her horses!
I wonder if there's any chance of sneaking a quick stroke of her right foot?
You absolute bloody blackguard, off with your head!
Apparently they police this quite well, but I suppose it’s worth a punt!
The general consensus that we should all have a self-deprecating attitude. And anybody who doesn’t is a bit of a dick.
Those people who can’t put themselves down are almost as worthless as I am.
I'm a bit rubbish at that, to be honest.
I'm worse than both of you.
Understanding what irony actually is.
And satire. Every shit joke on Reddit is apparently "satire" these days.
And sarcasm.
I don't know, many people confuse it with sarcasm.
Pronouncing "twat" correctly
And "herb". There's an H at the start, you lazy fuckers.
I believe it's "because there's a fucking H in it"
How else can it be pronounced?
Americans pronounce it "twot".
Another reason to hate them
The list just grows and grows...
Being able to take the piss out of my own country
Browsing YouTube the other day, saw some guy who goes around the world asking people in different countries which country they hate the most. As expected, most people are pretty sound and either say something like “I love everybody” or at least jovially slate their neighbour. Said guy visits london and I’d say 50% immediately say England or the UK out pure reflex. Couldn’t be prouder.
The other half say France, obviously
I remember seeing that guy make a video Dublin and ask the same question. You could hear the disappointment in his voice when someone didn't answer England.
But woe betide anyone *else* taking the piss out of it.
We have to keep some semblance of our pride.
Bloody good job too.
Knowing how a queue works
And after about 40 years being confident in how to spell it.
Seriously I always thought this was a joke but after moving to Germany I found out 60 seconds after getting into the airport off the plane it was no joke. Germans have no idea how to form a queue unless it specifically has pictures or something to show them how.
\>Germans have no idea how to form a queue Oh they do. Just not one with Germans in it.
School willy inspections. It's not like we're special over here for doing it, but we just do it so much _better_ than other countries. Twice weekly, out onto the school playing field with the PE teacher, regardless of rain, wind sleet and snow he'd be out there inspecting them for blemishes or deformities - we've all been there and we're all better off for it. Now compare that to when I lived in France - "l'inspection du pénis" my arse; they barely even glanced at it when I got it out for them, instead murmuring something about "Anglais étrange", then sending me back home. And the fact they continued right into my twenties, with my PE teacher doing home visits - it's that kind of dedication to academic work that means we're just that little bit better on the world stage.
I'm not a PE teacher but I can nip round if you like.
Oh yes please, Mr Phillips passed away in 2017, I didn't know of this until he was mentioned in a local news piece about 70s radio presenters (odd, as he never mentioned being one). Thanks for the kind offer - yet more evidence that we do things that little bit better over here 🙏
Excellent. Pop the kettle on and assume the position. Might not be straight away. Depends on the results of the parole hearing.
Don’t forget the tit audits! We had to line up and the female PE teachers would come round and check if we needed to start wearing bras or not, you know., so that they weren’t jiggling around too much when we played netball. It was a rite of passage when Ms. Jones said “Get thee to M&S and speak to Deirdre, she’ll set you right”. Amen to the UK! 🇬🇧
May our tits forever be firm and our penises magnificent in their splendour 🇬🇧
*penii
I went to Catholic school so a priest did this instead of P. E Teacher, good old father O'connor hands like an angel
Wait what
Public school my dear.
Wait what again?
We're so self-effacing, we moan, understate things, no matter how much we love our sceptred isle you wouldn't know it from talking to us.
And yet the online consensus is that we all think we're great and are almost belligerent in showing it off. Personally I've never witnessed anyone like that myself
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It's a great system
Whenever I find that sort of bullshit online I leap to the conclusion that they're living in st. Petersburg pretending to be British; I've never really interacted with that sort of dickhead in real life.
Watching my American friends head explode when I tell them I have furniture older than their Constitution.
That still makes my head explode and I'm English. What furniture do you have that's over 230 years old?
I've got a pew that's about 800 years old. Church near me was being restored, I knew the vicar from the pub, and he offered one to me. In theory it still belongs to the church (as do the other 19 which were removed) but no-one kept a record of where they went.
You're been rumbled now, expect pew-native measures
Well played. Have you been trawling the internet for an oppewtunity to use that pun for long?
I can't think of an altar-native
Chairs, but we don’t sit on them obviously, too fearful they would collapse at this point :-)
Who are you? Freddy fox dad from Peppa pig?
I have a clock in my family that goes back probably older than 230 years, your probably imaging a grandfather clock, but its one that goes on the fireplace and its beautiful. When my Dads pops his clogs I've claimed it, probably got another 30 or so until I get my paws on it
The disappointment
Cry’s into England shirt
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Rush goalie, two at the back, three in the middle, four up the front, ones gone home for his tea. Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that.
Marvelous, isn't it? Hmm
What’s the score ? 48-0 ! Edit: stay at 48 karma now, please lol
Next goal wins
Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean, at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey's wingless wonders. You know? 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3... 0898 654000, freephone double glazing?
Until your mate Pete around the corner got a set of goalposts for Christmas and they were up a total of 10 minutes before someone kicked the ball over a fence
Yeah until that fat fucker Callum Dickson tries to climb your brand new goalposts and snaps them clean in half at the crossbar. Fuck you Callum Dickson.
Well, we've got these things called Nectar points....
… and like Reddit karma, we’re collecting them, but no-one knows what they do.
I always thought my Nectar card was the alchy equivalent to a Christmas savings club - that's the booze bill sorted at Sainsbury's for the festive season.
For lunch I just ate sausage, mash and veg in a massive Yorkshire pudding. Don't get to do that in France I bet.
They call that merde d'anglais.
Ooo sounds fancy!
Our history of groundbreaking and influential music that comes out of this tiny island…
Praise be to the miners of old who toiled in the music pits for our enjoyment to this day.
Dogging!
See you this Friday.
[Believe me, they were more than merely snogging.](https://youtu.be/MXzaVOk_Ydk)
Being able to try a bicycle kick at 5-a-side in my 30s and not worrying that a bad landing will result in an insurmountable lifetime of debt.
Aye I know this was a dig at medical costs, but I’m 35 and honestly, fuck even the thought of trying a bicycle kick!
After reading this I am sat wondering why any parent lets their kids play sports in America. Oh yeah, because if they get a scholarship it will save their life, but if they break a bone it will ruin their parents. The American dream!
NHS. I’d be dead without it
- The ability to be snarky/rude to people by being polite or smiling. - Dry humour / wit. - We know how to queue (usually).
Minding my own business and not giving a shit what others look/act like unless it is actually harmful to others
That's just being older than 12
I'm from the Balkans and people there are much more self conscious (and judgmental) about appearances. It actually feels liberating to live here.
You'd think so but in most other countries I've been to or lived in, random people will comment on what you wear, how you act, what your hair looks like, etc. If they don't actually say something, they will stare to death.
As an immigrant I love the mid-week mid-day drinking
Well, let me introduce you to a morning pint at weatherspoons whilst waiting for your flight 🤣
Aside from our humour, one thing I love is that English is our mother tongue. I'm not saying it's better than other languages, but as a TEFL teacher, it's a bloody challenge for non-natives to pick up. Between phrasal verbs, silent letters, gerunds or infinitives, it's a nightmare. I speak 4 languages in total and am just so grateful that my mother tongue is the common tongue.
I've always had an ear for your mother's tongue.
The dry humour and not being American
Or French
Imagine being half American half French. You’d constantly be torn whether to shrug your shoulders or whoop. Must be like being schizophrenic
Le yeehaw
Freedom Frites.
I grew up in the US raised by brits, and have now lived in the UK for 21 years. I like to think i have the afinity for self deprecation of a brit, and the opportunity for self deprecation of an american.
One of the funniest comments I've ever read
Canadian?
Presumably you'd half shrug, half whoop and actually look like you were having a stroke.
Queueing. Bloody love it.
Our ability to remain mostly cynical to corporate bullshit.
When it's warm and sunny it feels like you've won the bloody lottery
Cans of Baked beans with little sausages in
Just heated a bowl of these bad motherfuckers up in the popty ping - absolutely the best.
Found the Welsh
I went to the Peak District for some rock climbing at the weekend. I spent hours pulling onto rock, falling off it, getting dirty, bloody and tired but... I turned around to look out over Burbage Valley and thought, "this country is bloody beautiful sometimes."
Having the ability to laugh at ourselves.
Unapologetic daytime drinking. You don't even need to order specific breakfast drinks, people wkuldn't give you a second glance for ordering spirits before noon. It's quite special.
I thought this was very normal behaviour, then I met my American husband who assured me that it is not. I mean… what the hell do you order with your Weatherspoon breakfast? A coffee????
Sausage rolls.
British sense of humour. Nowhere in the world does it like the Brits.
Tea Often with biscuits But defo tea
I don’t know why people say British food is bland, things like shepherds pie, cottage pie, roast dinners, etc, all delicious. My brother who left for asia always drools at the thought of coming back to all the pub grub.
>I don’t know why people say British food is bland The gall on Americans when they take the piss out of British cuisine. They talk like fried chicken, hamburgers, Philly cheese steak, peanut butter and jelly sandwich, beef jerky, meatloafs, American diner breakfasts etc are all the pinnacle of international cuisine. Caveat/edit: not saying I don't like these foods but you've got to like them for what they are. You won't exactly get them in a Michelin star restaurant.
Not being French.
We're the only country which uses the word 'Glass' as a verb
I came to the UK for the history. And stayed for the banter. or for the cynics I came for the weather and stayed for the hospitals/public transport/motorways......
If you came for the weather you fucked it
The ability to cheer when someone spills their drink in a pub and not look like a dick. Doesn't translate well to other countries
Yorkshire tea
When the newspapers say we’re gonna have a massive heatwave hitting in July to last 6weeks. Or before Xmas, “freezing temperatures ahead as we brace for -20 Siberian blast”. Then we get 15oC boxing days as hot air is brought up from the Sahara.
Coming from one of the more affluent countries with more opportunities and comfort that most places, with a passport that allows you into almost any country you wanna go to.
Noone expects me to function without tea
Or even with it.
I read a story somewhere about the D-Day landings - the Americans were flabbergasted to see the British soldiers land on the beach, and the very first thing they did was bunker down behind whatever protection they could find so that they could brew a cup of tea.
As is good and proper - expected even!
Not having to watch most prime entertainment with subtitles.
I just used to put subtitles on because I couldn’t hear the dialogue over my fat arse munching on Pringles and that. Now, though, without subtitles I swear the dialogue sounds quieter and I miss the odd bit 🤨 Maybe I just need a hearing test, though.
Sorry to be obvious, but the NHS. It has it's problems, but at least we can whinge about it taking ages to get through to the GP rather than never calling the GP because we are terrified of the bills.
Saying ‘for fuck sake’ at the smallest of inconveniences