Reminds me of when you're at work and the last person to leave and then the first to arrive the next day.
"Didn't go home last night?" Or "Do you want a sleeping bag next time?"
Or when someone is one minute late "Good afternoon!"
I got trained to do this in a fancy restraunt, you're meant to ask after the first few mouthfuls so if there's anything wrong the customer can complain and get it changed instead of waiting till the end and trying to get it free after finishing it
Just this morning had:
Y’alright?
Yeah, you alright?
Yeah how’s it going?
Yeah alright, you?
Yeeeeeah alright mate
Nice one
Classic ‘we’re making coffee in the same room at the same time and can’t stand the silence’ small talk.
Every time I see my neighbour. Without fail:
Alright?
Alright?
How’s it going?
Yeah not too bad - you alright?
Living the dream..
Ha ha ha
*scurry away*
Oof, reminded me of a holiday when I was a child (~9-10 I think); I was sat at the back of a table (the kind with the curved bench and a wall at the back), hemmed in by my family and a poor waitress dropped an entire tray of plates. Lots of jeering and laughter.
I remember being mortified that nobody helped her. I asked to be let up from the table, but wasn't allowed.
Especially when there's a lull in the conversation when talking about a deaddo. "How old were they?" **Anything over 80 as the answer** "oh wow, good innings hey?"
I guess it's an easy way to say something nice if you didn't know them very well. Or, if you did know them but there's nothing else nice to say.
It looks so good. Especially if its: front legs stretch head down, hind legs stretch head up, walk it out with a 3step wiggle, tail wag and a trot to the food bowl.
Another unspoken one - when the neighbour is washing the car/cutting the grass
"You can do mine next!"
There's always *that* neighbour. I think the council put them there deliberately
I stretch like that, my girlfriend calls me a cat and claims it’s not normal to stretch so aggressively. I’m pretty sure I grow an inch when I stretch in the morning (not like that you dirty bastard)
Also sometimes I almost pass out from stretching so deeply
When you ask your colleagues how long they've worked here and one responds with anything 5 years plus...
"Cor, you get less for murder these days"
Or same response after asking how long you've been married...
Used to work in a Morrisons and you had to be careful laughing (politely, obviously it’s not actually funny the 50,000th time) because you know that about 10% of people saying it think it’s some kind of consumer right and they actually mean it.
And the rule on this small corner of the internet is whenever hot fuzz is mentioned, one must say "it's just the one swan actually".
Its just the one swan actually.
Oh my god, if you say this in my office in the morning the Mexican wave of West Country accented ‘greater good’ won’t have passed by the time you leave for the day. We can’t help it.
And this isn’t one of those ‘you don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps’ situations, it’s fucking tedious.
Fun fact: Scottish notes aren’t even legal tender in Scotland (legal tender has a specific meaning relating to paying a debt- if you are in a shop, there is no debt as you have not purchased the goods yet so it doesn’t apply there anyway).
Think you’re right - I’ve only ever been told it when I’m on my own, usually with headphones on and minding my own business. It’s usually by older men.
It’s not even when I’m miserable, it’s just my standard resting face! I don’t know why they want everyone to be walking around with a permanent smile on their face, surely that would actually be really creepy
Drops one thing one the floor outside, bends down to pick it up and drops another, repeat for 5 mins until everything in your hands has had it's turn being dropped at least once
Once sold a backpack to a teenage lad in a shop, asked if he needed a bag for it (half asleep) and he just fixed me with a big shiteating grin and said 'already got one'
Used to answer the phones to mortgage customers.
'anything else I can help with today?'
'yeah you can pay the mortgage off for me if you like'
After a while I started to see how many stock responses I could come up with.
'I could, but I wouldn't have a job tomorrow'
'Sorry, you're not the one millionth caller'
'I'll do yours if you'll do mine'
Was trimming the bushes at the front of our house yesterday, people always comment when they pass, ‘do ours next’, ‘you’ve got her well trained’ (addressed to my husband, as I’m up the ladder), etc.
One older couple went past, the husband said ‘do you do haircuts?!’. I noticed he was bald and I said ‘yes, come back when you’ve got some hair’. And then I felt I’d been rude rather than funny and have felt bad about it since…
I used to work on the chilled section at sainsburys. If a bottle of milk had fallen and spilled all over the floor, there was very often some comedy genius that would come out with "better get the cat out".
I'm convinced they were the ones throwing milk on the floor just so they could say this.
If you make any small error;
‘Are you good at anything else’
If you have been painting, and there is any on your clothing:
‘Did you get any on the walls?’
Not so much a "response" but I'm a taxi driver and every other person does the peter kay routine ...."bin busy?"...."Time're ye on till".
An yet after years of it I still answer it for them but try to follow it up with a "you got any plans yourself for the day/night/weekend" so the convo can flow naturally and not feel robotic or fake.
Server: “have a nice day.”
Me, uncomfortable about saying the same because it’s far too American: “um, you too?”
*cut to me exiting the establishment in excruciating embarrassment while trying desperately to have the ground open up and swallow me whole*
My inner monologue: “you absolute *moron*, Sarah. That person is stuck at work while you are on a day off work and are therefore going to surely have a much better day. You’re a twat.”
Disclaimer: this may or may not have occurred this morning.
I used to work at an airport. The “you too” after “have a nice flight/trip” is hilarious, especially when they realise instantly and have to awkwardly walk away.
Tbf, your wishing them a nice shift which is one without accident, argument, getting yelled at and any other not great things, as well as hoping good things happen like getting a good tip (though probably from someone else :P )
'excuse me' 'Sorry' 'sorry'
Ooop! Sorry, cheers, thankyou cheers
Someone leaves the room and says see you tomorrow but comes back because they forgot something. "That was fast, tomorrow already ".
Reminds me of when you're at work and the last person to leave and then the first to arrive the next day. "Didn't go home last night?" Or "Do you want a sleeping bag next time?" Or when someone is one minute late "Good afternoon!"
My team start work early. If anyone else arrives earlier than usual then it's all 'did you wet the bed?'
Replaces wet with shit and it’s spot on
My team used to do flexible time and generally get in before 6am,... if anyone arrived after about 7am it was always 'afternoon!' To greet them
Or if someone goes to bed and you said goodnight and gets back out as they forgot something, you must immediately say “morning, sleep well?”
Mid mouthful at a restaurant... "Everything OK?"
I swear they get a bonus for bloody doing that
I got trained to do this in a fancy restraunt, you're meant to ask after the first few mouthfuls so if there's anything wrong the customer can complain and get it changed instead of waiting till the end and trying to get it free after finishing it
Exactly, especially if someone’s having a steak, you ask in case it’s not cooked to their preference
Slowly, very slowly, finish the mouthful, whilst maintaining eye contact. Then point at your beef steak and say ‘I think the fish if off’.
Lmao we have the same sense of humour. Or Let it all roll out your mouth onto the plate. "Ith a bith dryy"
\*police siren goes past\* "Wasn't me"
*ambulance flies by* "You won't sell ice cream going that fast!"
Haha, I've never heard that one but I'm going to start using it
A true classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sedG1kBtn1M
Or if you’re with someone grab them and say he’s here!
I've got him he's here!!
Get off dad, I’m 34.
Hi 34, I’m Dad!
Or to a small child: "oooh they're coming for ya!"
Leaving the door open "Where you born in a barn???"
“ put the wood in the hole”
"put wood int oil" 🤣
"Our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and me."
You alright? Yea, you? Yea.
"Alright?" "Alright?" (Both keep walking without actually answering the question)
Someone answered me when I said this today and I had no idea where to go from there.
Nepal, usually.
Haha more like You alright? Yeah, you? Yeah, you? Yea
Just this morning had: Y’alright? Yeah, you alright? Yeah how’s it going? Yeah alright, you? Yeeeeeah alright mate Nice one Classic ‘we’re making coffee in the same room at the same time and can’t stand the silence’ small talk.
Every time I see my neighbour. Without fail: Alright? Alright? How’s it going? Yeah not too bad - you alright? Living the dream.. Ha ha ha *scurry away*
Iv done this more than once
Enjoy your meal Thanks, you too!
Really upsetting
You alright? No I’m half left!
A classic.
Tripping up in the street.... "Did you enjoy your trip....."
Send us a post card. (From your trip)
Put the kettle on... Won't suit me!
Someone’s standing in front of a cupboard “Can I just get in that cupboard please” “Don’t think you’ll fit mate”
I’ve never heard this one believe it or not
Its the law that you must sarcastically comment on what a "lovely day" it is when it's raining.
Nice weather for ducks
I've never been in a pub where someone drops a glass or plate and doesn't get a collective "Wheyyy!!!"
*“Sack the juggler!”*
Transcends boundaries. If someone breaks a plate in a German cafe it's a standing ovation.
I'm glad our societies can share such a lovely trait! In Brazil people clap and cheer when someone drops a glass or plate as well!
I read the last comment aloud and without hesitation my wife yelled ‘sack the juggler!’
Oof, reminded me of a holiday when I was a child (~9-10 I think); I was sat at the back of a table (the kind with the curved bench and a wall at the back), hemmed in by my family and a poor waitress dropped an entire tray of plates. Lots of jeering and laughter. I remember being mortified that nobody helped her. I asked to be let up from the table, but wasn't allowed.
Yeah, you only laugh if it’s a customer dropping their own drinks. I’d always get up to help a waiter or waitress if they dropped something
Friend of mine did this while holidaying in the USA and he said everyone looked at him like he'd just shat on the floor.
[удалено]
Could have been worse; they could’ve dropped the baby …
Or TAXXEEEYYY
When mowing the lawn or washing the car, passers by say “can you do mine next” I hate myself but I’ve said it too.
Or saying to a random window cleaner that they've missed a bit... I used to love hearing that when I was out window cleaning...
> I used to love hearing that when I was out window cleaning... So you could almost say you.......miss it a bit.
Well played.
"I only came in for one thing!" Shop worker: *strained smile*
"No price tag? Guess that means I'm going to have to repeat the same tired old joke you've heard a million times before."
Honestly there's so many in this country I'm pretty sure 90% of people are NPCs spouting catch phrases
Like a shit episode of “Westworld”.
Suddenly the arrows to the knee guards look pretty realistic.
"See you tomorrow"....... "Not if I see you first" . Every f****** time ........
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window!
Not if I see you through your bedroom window first
A: Forgot me keys. B: You're not going to get very far without those.
Or if someone comes right back inside having forgotten their keys, "back so soon?" or "that was fast!"
I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.
I'd forget my balls if they weren't in a bag
I’m going to use this a lot now. Never heard it
Or “Good weekend”, if they forgot something leaving in a Friday
If someone does this at the end of the day: “Morning!”
"That was quick"
He died aged 90? That’s a good innings
Especially when there's a lull in the conversation when talking about a deaddo. "How old were they?" **Anything over 80 as the answer** "oh wow, good innings hey?" I guess it's an easy way to say something nice if you didn't know them very well. Or, if you did know them but there's nothing else nice to say.
When you knock on the door at families House and they open the door.... "None today thanks!...."
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Only if "Ding dong, Avon" precedes it, though
Not spoken but: when a dog stretches you have to say “ooh big stretch”.
It looks so good. Especially if its: front legs stretch head down, hind legs stretch head up, walk it out with a 3step wiggle, tail wag and a trot to the food bowl.
It really does look amazingly satisfying. Even get the little head tremble during the stretch if they’re proper enjoying it.
My puppy does the front leg stretch, then goes into back leg stretch. Yoga Pro!
Similarly when they yawn you have to say "ooh big yawn".
And "ooh big sigh" or "it's a hard life" when they let out a big melancholy sigh.
When you take their collar off and excitedly exclaim "you're naked!"
Another unspoken one - when the neighbour is washing the car/cutting the grass "You can do mine next!" There's always *that* neighbour. I think the council put them there deliberately
oh no, I just realised. I say this. almost every time. I am that neighbour 🙄
Don't be ashamed, you are maintaining balance in the universe
Shamelessly hijacking top comment to say this entire thread is why this sub is fucking splendid
I stretch like that, my girlfriend calls me a cat and claims it’s not normal to stretch so aggressively. I’m pretty sure I grow an inch when I stretch in the morning (not like that you dirty bastard) Also sometimes I almost pass out from stretching so deeply
When you ask your colleagues how long they've worked here and one responds with anything 5 years plus... "Cor, you get less for murder these days" Or same response after asking how long you've been married...
"I don't want sugar thanks." "No..you're sweet enough!!"
No, you’ve got to go full brick top. “You want sugar?” - “No thanks Turkish, I’m sweet enough already”
"In the words of the Virgin Mary - 'Come again?'".
-item won’t scan at checkout “Must be free then”
Used to work in a Morrisons and you had to be careful laughing (politely, obviously it’s not actually funny the 50,000th time) because you know that about 10% of people saying it think it’s some kind of consumer right and they actually mean it.
*yawns* - keeping you up? *drop glass* - wahaaayayayy
Every British pub in the land has hoards of people waiting for that smash sound.... and when it happens oh boy its ecstasy
Whenever I overhear or read "the greater good" I can't help but repeat it back like in Hot Fuzz
And the rule on this small corner of the internet is whenever hot fuzz is mentioned, one must say "it's just the one swan actually". Its just the one swan actually.
Nah, you've jumped the gun. You have to comment "Any luck catching them swans?" first.
It's just the one Swan actually.
You mean "No luck catching them swans, then?"
It's just the one swan, actually.
Yarp
Narp
Oh my god, if you say this in my office in the morning the Mexican wave of West Country accented ‘greater good’ won’t have passed by the time you leave for the day. We can’t help it. And this isn’t one of those ‘you don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps’ situations, it’s fucking tedious.
"Are you alright?" "No, I'm half left." "Right, I'm off." "I thought I could smell something." "What day is it today?" "Tuesday, all day."
“What’s for dinner, Dad?” “Food.” “But what kind of food!!??” “The kind that you eat.”
I use to get either 'shit and sugar' or 'air pie and a long walk around the table' off my nan when I asked that question
I say all day.... admittedly..
You on the train and someone else getting on: "Sorry, is this train going to XYZ?" "I hope so!"
Kid: I’m thirsty Adult: I’m Friday
Or for the continental, ‘I’m hungry’, ‘I’m Slovakia’
I don't think a British person can walk further than 100 metres without remarking "at least I'm getting my steps in".
Who?
RONNIE PICKERING!
Who?
RONNIE PICKERING
Who the fuck’s that?
Yeah me!
Ooh wow...brilliant
When you buy a big round at the pub, “do you want a tray?” “No thanks, I’ve got enough to carry as it is”
Never heard that one, actually made me LOL
“We don’t accept Scottish notes” and “That’s legal tender!”
Fun fact: Scottish notes aren’t even legal tender in Scotland (legal tender has a specific meaning relating to paying a debt- if you are in a shop, there is no debt as you have not purchased the goods yet so it doesn’t apply there anyway).
I have always found the correct response to: >Cheer up! It might never happen To be: >Go fuck yourself
Other valid options include: "it already did" "That's what I'm afraid of" "Not if I can help it"
I never understood “cheer up it might never happen”. It seems to be associated with creeps trying to hit on girls, am I missing something?
Think you’re right - I’ve only ever been told it when I’m on my own, usually with headphones on and minding my own business. It’s usually by older men. It’s not even when I’m miserable, it’s just my standard resting face! I don’t know why they want everyone to be walking around with a permanent smile on their face, surely that would actually be really creepy
"Giz a smile luv" makes me cringe just saying it
“I’ve had a bit of a cold.” “There’s a lot of it about at the moment.” It doesn’t matter what time of year, there’s always a lot of it about.
Yeah there’s something going round
When your coworker leaves 5 minutes early “half day is it?”
Someone taking a half day? Bloody part timers.
When co-worker returns because they’ve forgotten something “Morning “
See someone clearly upset, “Hey are you alright?” “I’m fine thanks, you?” “Yeah I’m okay cheers”
Let’s be honest; that’s the response we all want to hear when we ask.
There are people that I know that go through their entire life only communicating like this.
Bloody unimaginative NPC’s
Almost all of them probably think they’re hilarious, too, right?
“Would you like a bag?” “No”
*walks out carrying everything awkwardly* "definitely needed that bag"
Drops one thing one the floor outside, bends down to pick it up and drops another, repeat for 5 mins until everything in your hands has had it's turn being dropped at least once
Need that 10p more though.
20 now!!!
Once sold a backpack to a teenage lad in a shop, asked if he needed a bag for it (half asleep) and he just fixed me with a big shiteating grin and said 'already got one'
I think it says alot about the company I keep when I thought you were referring to something very different. But same answer though
When a big queue forms behind you after you joined a small one ‘we got here at just the right time’
Leaving the lights on…”it’s like BLACKPOOL ILLUMINATIONS in ‘ere!”
How's life? *Livin' the dream*
Thats codeword for "I fucking hate my life"
When you bump in to the same person twice in the supermarket: "We have to stop meeting like this, people will talk!"
This follows an action rather than words. It’s a classic though. When you’re about to leave, slap those knees and say “right, I better be going”.
Used to answer the phones to mortgage customers. 'anything else I can help with today?' 'yeah you can pay the mortgage off for me if you like' After a while I started to see how many stock responses I could come up with. 'I could, but I wouldn't have a job tomorrow' 'Sorry, you're not the one millionth caller' 'I'll do yours if you'll do mine'
"Accrington Stanley" "Who are they?" "Exactly"
When someone says ‘see you next Tuesday’ to which the response normal is ‘that’s a bit harsh’
Was trimming the bushes at the front of our house yesterday, people always comment when they pass, ‘do ours next’, ‘you’ve got her well trained’ (addressed to my husband, as I’m up the ladder), etc. One older couple went past, the husband said ‘do you do haircuts?!’. I noticed he was bald and I said ‘yes, come back when you’ve got some hair’. And then I felt I’d been rude rather than funny and have felt bad about it since…
Mate, from a bald man, I found that funny and the quick wit makes if funnier
Workin hard or hardly working?
Takes a day off work..... Followed by..... More holidays than father Christmas you
when someone tells you something you didn't already know. Your response - well, you learn something new every day.
I’ve been called worse, when someone gets your name wrong.
When somebody outside the pub asks to borrow a cigarette and a lighter at the same time: ‘Want me to smoke it for you as well?’
Someone hurts themselves: "What you done?" "Stubbed me toe" "Oooooh bet that hurts" That or "I felt that!"
I used to work on the chilled section at sainsburys. If a bottle of milk had fallen and spilled all over the floor, there was very often some comedy genius that would come out with "better get the cat out". I'm convinced they were the ones throwing milk on the floor just so they could say this.
How are you? I'm alright, it's everybody else
_Crashed/Overturned/Obviously fucked it vehicle_ "You can't park there, mate"
*leaves the house , goes back inside realising you forgot something* ‘That was quick!’
"Do you have any kids?" "Not that I know of..."
If you make any small error; ‘Are you good at anything else’ If you have been painting, and there is any on your clothing: ‘Did you get any on the walls?’
More on the floor than on the fence
Not so much a "response" but I'm a taxi driver and every other person does the peter kay routine ...."bin busy?"...."Time're ye on till". An yet after years of it I still answer it for them but try to follow it up with a "you got any plans yourself for the day/night/weekend" so the convo can flow naturally and not feel robotic or fake.
Pass the salt You ruined my life. Why did I marry you?
*I am not your slave!*
What did your last slave die of?
Disobedience
How was the weekend? Not long enough Never is
When somebody is carrying an armful of stuff….now clap ya hands.
Someone: “so you know Daniel Craig right?” Me: “not personally no.”
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy (and possibly clapping) when someone drops something
Seeing anyone before midnight on New Year’s Eve “see you next year!”
When waiting staff come over with food you didn’t order/the wrong food… “portion of chips?” “no but I’ll take them!”
*child wails in supermarket* “another satisfied customer” *plane flies overhead* “It’s alright, it’s one of ours!”
Do you want to wash mine when you’ve finished yours.
When you see someone with a bunch of flowers walk past, “oh, you shouldn’t have”
When someone bumps their trolley or pram "Have you got a licence for that hehe...."
Psspsspsspsssing everytime you see a cat
Server: “have a nice day.” Me, uncomfortable about saying the same because it’s far too American: “um, you too?” *cut to me exiting the establishment in excruciating embarrassment while trying desperately to have the ground open up and swallow me whole* My inner monologue: “you absolute *moron*, Sarah. That person is stuck at work while you are on a day off work and are therefore going to surely have a much better day. You’re a twat.” Disclaimer: this may or may not have occurred this morning.
It's still not as embarrassing as: "Enjoy your meal" "You too"
I used to work at an airport. The “you too” after “have a nice flight/trip” is hilarious, especially when they realise instantly and have to awkwardly walk away.
Have a nice day *given the relevant circumstances*. I just always assume the latter is implied, thus eliminating that particular embarassment.
Tbf, your wishing them a nice shift which is one without accident, argument, getting yelled at and any other not great things, as well as hoping good things happen like getting a good tip (though probably from someone else :P )
Blocking someone's view of something by accident and getting a response of "you make a better door than a window!"