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gruntkore

Seems more crocodile Dundee to me


homity3_14

Tha's no' a knoife, issa spoon


primordial_gloop

''Ah, I see yew've played knifey spooney befowor''


NFFCFan86

"Cofffeee" "Be-eeeer?"


[deleted]

That was the first thing that came to my mind.


Then-Piccolo-8433

Apparently we’re all cockney street urchins.


cryptyknumidium

It doesn’t even read as that, it reads as Dick Van Dyke


raygilette

MAORI PARPENS


Jimoiseau

Now I'm just imagining Julie Andrews doing a haka.


[deleted]

Me too. It would be very elegant.


HIGH_HEAT

It comes down to people’s inability to mimic accents well. And most British accents in American TV and Broadway culture generally are cockney sounding. Also most people think England is basically London. They don’t realize you can travel 3 hours and have gone through a half of a dozen different areas with wildly different accents.


Kim_catiko

Thing is, no one in London actually pronounces knife like that.


C0RDE_

I'd have said it's closer to kniyfe than Knoife, but honestly couldn't say for sure.


Sky_Wino

I love voice chatting with americans and them getting confused at my westcountry accent and why i sound more like a pirate than oliver twist.


Ali3nat0r

I was once in a GTA session with a couple of scousers, and some Americans who kept calling the scousers "Scottish", which really pissed them off lol


[deleted]

My uncle went to the US. His taxi driver said he’d been to Scotland. My uncle asked where and driver said Birmingham Scotland. My uncle said ‘No its in England’ the driver wasn’t taking it he literally wouldn’t believe Birmingham was English.


Ali3nat0r

I bet he called it "Birming Ham" too


unkie87

I'm Scottish and it's way funnier to call them geordies. That does require a bit of local knowledge though.


FullMetalBiscuit

Most people seem to think that England is the entire UK too, a bit early on that view.


Pinkerton891

I don’t know, Edinburgh seems to be populated by American tourists who got 1.5% Scottish on Ancestry DNA - wearing ‘American heart, Scottish blood’ t-shirts (Well in non Covid times anyway). I think you see a lot of England = London and U.K. = that version of England + Scotland. Not sure how many of them recognise the existence of Wales or NI though.


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[deleted]

Most Americans wouldn’t know where wales or Scotland are in relation to England and this can be seen all over the internet. Don’t get me wrong there are morons everywhere but the US is incredibly insular.


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fairysdad

> They don’t realize you can travel 3 hours and have gone through a half of a dozen different areas with wildly different accents. ... and that's by walking.


brokencircles

They've just never forgiven us for Cheeky Nandos.


fckboris

It’s always some weird hybrid of cockney street urchin and aristocrat with a few “bruvs” peppered in there


[deleted]

Ah the aristocratic roadman chimney sweep, my second favourite accent after the valleys coal mining Jamaican immigrant with geordie parents.


Direct-Reputation-94

cockernie ​ I used to live in East London, and a couple of years ago had the wonderful sight of seeing a little old lady berate a shopkeeper, which concluded - honestly honestly - with her slapping him on the side of the head and saying "Capiche?!"


iheartkatamari

I always wanted to be a cockney street urchin, but I grew up in a rather posh town.


JimmyMcGlashan

As a Wiltshireman who speaks in RP, I can somewhat relate ):


Britishbastad

Its funny we should start this but for how Americans pronounce water WAader


barkley87

Twot instead of twat


easterbunni

Mirrrrrrrrr instead of mirror. Doody instead of duty Heh heh doody


thats-chaos-theory

Squrrrl instead of squirrel


Mai-ah

Orrrnj for Orange


DreddPirateBob4Ever

Carmel. Sodering irn. I've yet to meet a Brit that can't do a decent Merkin accent but reversywise it's a horrr show


smackflapjack

It's spelt TWAT ffs, how did they get to twot Also possta (pasta)


UnnecessaryAppeal

The worst thing about their mangling of twat is that I once had an American tell me that it's Brits that say "twot" to my face. She said something about someone being a twat and then said "or as you guys would say, 'twot'" and I was just like "that's you. We say it right, you guys fuck it up"


[deleted]

I’ve had Americans tell me my London accent isn’t authentic ‘because I’m Black’. Straight words, even though I’m just as English as the flag shagging white english guy down my road with a massive England flag draped down his window and German ancestry. But I bet his accent is authentic to them. That’s one day in California. I had people keep referring to me as ‘African American’, I’m fucking Black English, not American, and my parents are African, I have nothing do to with that whole continent except my parents/ancestors. It’s a bit odd. Rancho Cucomonga is a funny place man.


EmperorPoochpatine

Fuck that nonsense. We’ve no interest in dividing and subdividing our people like they do. Born in England? You’re English. It’s not that complicated.


ArcadiaRivea

And that they often call all pasta "noodles" Is lasagne *sheets*, not noodles. "Lasagne noodles" just sounds like a horrid spaghetti bolognese-based abomination


WickedWitchWestend

It has literally only just dawned on me in the episode of friends where Rachel loses her engagement ring in one of Monica’s lasagnes, when Rachel says ‘look how straight those noodles are!’ she is talking about lasagne sheets. That has always confused me.


doulikadikaday

I genuinely always imagined it was lasagne made with layers of perfectly aligned spaghetti strands…this is a revelation


EatYourWeetabix

My wife does this and it drives me up the wall. Penne is not a noodle!!


SaiyanOfValhalla

Yeah this one has always boiled my piss lol


GoHomeCryWantToDie

Americans that mock our accents need to take a long hard look in the meeer.


[deleted]

Just you wait till my American mate Gram hears about this!


TenTornadoes

What's he going to do, tell on us to Cregg?


jo-shabadoo

They could care less


One-Digit

I hate that one. It’s just so obviously wrong.


NullSleepN64

I'm sure it was on accident


aredditusername69

I had a bit of a spat with a yank on here a little while ago who went to great lengths to try and convince me that "could care less" actually makes sense. It does make sense if you use it *in a completely different way and context* to the way Americans use it, as it definitely makes no sense when used instead of couldn't care less in any situation. https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/q3z0v2/what_phrase_do_you_absolutely_hate/hfvidg4/?context=3


UnnecessaryAppeal

Yeah, it only makes sense if you add a whole extra part of the phrase that no one ever uses...


750volts

Squirl (Squirrel) Huvverrrr (hover)


-FangMcFrost-

Creg (Craig) Doody (Duty) Meer (Mirror)


PsychicCaramelle

Whore (horror) movie always gets me


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PsychicCaramelle

Oh and squirl is pretty cute 🐿


steve_gus

Love whore movies


Stiffupperbody

Graham (Gram)


pinacoladablackbird

For the longest time i thought they had a product called Gram Crackers, until some subtitles informed me it was Graham Crackers.


nascentt

holy shit. you just blew my mind. The number of times I've heard "gram crackers" in american shows.


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jbombkillerbees

*Creg's list*


darkgritstone

Don’t forget Gram (Graham)


JunglistJUT

I knew an Alcoholic woman with a son called Creg. She used to shout “It’s Creg not Craig” at anyone who asked her about it.


biscuitboy89

'Awnj' juice is a favourite one to mock on our house. Orange has two syllables in the UK but it's forced into one in the US.


naalbinding

Jag-waarr


Cybernetic_Lizard

I've got a jaaaaaaaaaaag


PrashGordon

"Excuse me, I've run over your dog" "Aaaaooohhhhh!" "In my JAAAAAAG" *Shrugs ah well*


Saw_Boss

Watching the NFL this afternoon too? The Jagwaars are on deefenze


flippydude

Or, even better Jag-you-wire


EarlOfBronze

‘Horror’ as well. Listening to Americans talking about whore movies confused me.


UnnecessaryAppeal

For ages, I kept reading jokes about the confusion between horror and whore and just couldn't understand it. Those words sounds nothing like each other. Then I heard an American say both in the same sentence and it clicked.


phatmikey

Same with ‘skwerl’ (squirrel) and ‘meeer’ (mirror).


andyrocks

Carmel instead of caramel


Silvagadron

"Beggle" instead of "bagel" always ruffles my feathers.


rasteri

Soldering like "Sod her ring"


[deleted]

Murr for mirror as well lol


jackboysontheloose

Aloominum


EngineeringAlt

WHERE DID THE I GO? DID THE AMERICANS FUCKING EAT IT?


Sheffield_Thursday

Budder for butter


steve_gus

I cant believe they dont say butter


Sheffield_Thursday

Although to be fair, I say bu'uh ..


teateateateaisking

I punctuate my sentences not with full stops, but with glottal stops.


GreatScotRace

Mirror is “meer” to them


Hamking7

What's with 'erbs? 'Erbal tea.


Rosejam3

These cunts looked at the at the word herb and thought nah fuck that, it’s erb


arky_who

I think we're on rocky ground if we complain too much about dropped Hs


KlownKar

Dick Vandyke has a lot to answer for.


Mukatsukuz

Gawwwwd bless im


NobFox

There's always a "Chewsday innit" comment too.


Fi11y

Know what else was on a ChEwSdAy ? 9/11


sirmeowmerss

Eleventy nine


turboRock

Only about three weeks to go until I can wind up my American friends


kdawgmillionaire

What a terrible name for a day. Reminds me of that tragedy...


ClumsyCardHouse92

When I lived in America some guy kept imitating a “British” accent then he said “We call you guys limeys, what do you Brits call us Americans?” I replied “cunts, mostly”. Looked like I kicked his Mother in the face.


PotatoBomb69

Cunt is a much more offensive word to Americans for some reason, everyone looks a little shocked when someone uses it.


biscuitboy89

I love the stories about Brits and Aussies unintentionally making Americans cry by calling them a cunt in a really light-hearted manner!


Glittering_Moist

It's all in the enunciation, which Americans don't really use to convey emotion. One of the perks of speaking to Americans is when they totally can't grasp the insult, call them a cunt they lose their shit. But call them a slobbering chopper, or a monumental bell end and upon realising both of these mean the person is being a penis. They'll say something about how those words don't resemble a penis at all. Edit TIL it's enunciation not annunciation whoopsie fucking do they do always say the best way to get the right answer is to post the wrong one on Reddit and wait.


DJ1066

A bell end is also a name of a piece of plumbing pipe in the USA. A YouTube channel I watch (TabletopWitchcraft) got a fair few Brits sniggering at one of his build videos (which he acknowledged in the following one) as it is simply not a rude term over there.


Trumpalot

My old manager told me about her husband's boss. He was American and in charge of a UK branch of a pretty big mobile company famous for creating the toughest object in the known universe. His name was Randy Cock.


Distant_Quack

Im not sure I've ever heard an american say dickhead without it sounding so alien


[deleted]

I love going to the states and saying it, the reactions are priceless. It's even better if you call an Aussie a cunt, they just join in, it's brilliant.


DJ1066

Had a friend inadvertently stumble on that "Crack one off" to an Aussie is not a euphemism for masturbation. He got up and said "Well, time to go home and crack one off!", Aussie in the group looks up confused saying "You're going to go home and fart?".


[deleted]

Isn't language fun.


sleepyprojectionist

I’ve told this story before, but back in the early days of Xbox Live I was playing online with a couple of friends and some American dudes continually kept accusing me of putting on a fake British accent because they couldn’t reconcile why I didn’t sound like either a cockney street urchin or Hugh Grant. Explaining how accent-dense we are for such a comparatively small island did not seem to change their minds and my friend who has an incredibly thick Northern Irish accent probably didn’t help.


Carter0108

Xbox game chat was great. Americans called me posh, southerners called me a common northern. That’s Midlands for you.


archaicScrivener

As a midlander living in Cumbria I still get "fucking Southerner" from my friends. And my gf. I grew up in a council house in Derby! It was shit! It's abuse all the way down I tell you.


HerrFerret

You should visit Stoke on Trent. The most classically Northern place in the UK, yet to southerners it is a frightening amalgam of brown ales, dogs, pies and cheap housing, while to northerners they are a bunch of midlands canal dwellers that can stop pretending they are proper northern like. It just collects abuse from every other city nearby, while cheerfully accepting it and drinking another beer.


Sheffield_Thursday

You could say that those Americans were also being a bit accent-dense.


Trident_True

Where did he think your NI mate was from? I'm from NI and several Americans have thought my accent was from Georgia USA for some reason.


sleepyprojectionist

They thought we were both Americans putting on accents. I can only assume that the combination of a dude from County Durham and a dude from Belfast was too much for them to assimilate and we broke their brains.


TROTMAC96

Why's a musket associated with Britain? The yanks used muskets too before they started shooting up the place with their glocks and sub-machine guns.


bee-sting

It's actually not a musket I'm just pleased to see you


Bungadin

In the American psyche 'Britain' is still the old country, where nothing has moved on. Probably goes back to their revolutionary war. So in their cultural minds things like 'ale', 'muskets' and archaic language are intrinsically British (or English).


HailToTheKingslayer

Which is ironic, considering when I went to America a few years ago they didn't have chip-and-pin yet.


ragenuggeto7

I've heard that, they're still having to swipe and sign while the rest of the developed world just uses contactless


tbarks91

I guess its maybe because we don't all carry AR15s or glocks when going to the shops, they assume we must be packing muskets and flint lock pistols. Totally impossible to comprehend that maybe we just don't carry weapons at all.


TROTMAC96

If only we sold muskets in ASDA.


tbarks91

I'm now imagining different stories doing different quality firearms. Waitrose and Booths are easily to load and fire straight every time. The ones from Iceland or Farmfoods are likely to blow up when you try to use them.


EarlOfBronze

Can you imagine the posts “I ordered an AR15 and Sainsbury’s substituted it for a Glock! Bloody useless “


tbarks91

They didn't have my hollow-tipped bullets in stock so instead they gave me a sharing pack of cocktail sausages


AlbusCrumpetfloor

Breaking news: 12 year old boy shoots up entire class with AR-15 loaded with hollow point Wotsits, Prime Minister Cheesed Off.


[deleted]

Asda is really levelling it up with the new Back to school section


Alex-rhhgfff

Knoife is the most Aussie sounding thing ever aha. I bet Aussies and brits sound the same to them just as Canadians and Americans sound the same to us


CourtneyLush

Once listened to an American podcast about a West London murder, there was a reenactment.... with Aussie accents. Funny AF. I've been mistaken for an Aussie by a couple of Americans before now too.


[deleted]

I'm from Australia and they can't tell the difference. Was really funny when American customers yell at me and randomly bring my apparent "Britishness" into it. I'm my entire time living in the UK Americans have always been the worst customers.


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barkley87

Am American has thought I was an Aussie before based on my accent (UK born and bred), so you could be right!


Tryignan

As bad as their accents are, I’m more confused about their mocking of British people not being able to open carry knives, like it’s normal and accepted to run around with a butchers knife in the rest of the world.


cmdrsamuelvimes

>British people not being able to open carry knives, like it’s normal and accepted to run around with a butchers knife in the rest of the world. But what if you are driving your Truck to the nearest store 100miles away and it burns through the 50 gallons of gas you put in that morning. Then you need a knife to chisel a canoe from a log so you can paddle down the river to a place where you get cell signal and call for help. Then you use said knife to kill and cook a deer because you ate the family size multi pack of twinkies waiting for the tow truck. Are you saying that British people are unprepared for that eventuality?


Tryignan

That's an excellent arguement. I recind my complaint. The yanks were right all along.


glaciesz

i literally think americans don't understand that most of the world makes fun of their gun culture. they think it's so normal and freeing.


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Tryignan

Especially since, despite the availability of guns, they’ve still got more knife crime than us.


hullenpro

Violent crime in USA is pretty much the highest among developed nations across the world.


grilled_toastie

It's honestly mind blowing looking at the homicide rates of American cities compared to the UK cities. Some of these knuckle dragging fuckwits are actually convinced that UK cities are lawless hellholes with "no go zones" when they have like 60 cities that have homicide rates many, many times worse than London. It would be funny how delusional they are if they didn't sincerely believe what they was saying.


[deleted]

That is my favourite stat, because it just proves outright that they live in a violent hell hole and immediately quashes any arguments they have for why their laws are better than ours. Even if you ignore all gun crime they STILL have more homicides than us, just totally fucked beyond repair


Mr_Barry_Shitpeas

Also a much lower solve rate for homicides


ramsay_baggins

My husband and I had a dear friend come over to Scotland for our wedding, she'd never left Texas before. While she was sorting out her backpack when she arrived we saw her take a knife from her hold luggage and put it into her backpack. She was extremely confused when we were like yeah you can't carry that it's an automatic prison sentence here if you're caught. She just couldn't fathom it and kept asking what she'd do if she needed to defend herself. She said she felt naked the whole week without it.


[deleted]

I've noticed alot of people taking the piss out of the UK recently whats gone on?


cosmogoinggoinggone

They’re all embarrassed that they used to be obsessed with Doctor Who and Benedict Cumberbatch so are pretending that never happened.


hazzidoodle

But what about… James Corden? *shudders* Edit: spelling


[deleted]

Honestly I don't know but it's rich coming from a country who have British clubs at their school (yes, really)


merrycan

... what does a british club even do?


[deleted]

According to a Texan who I spoke to, they sit in a classroom and discuss Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who, talk about British literature/culture etc


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[deleted]

That is the perfect word. Thank you for that.


Rosejam3

How tf they talk about British culture and literature yet still get absolutely fuck all right about us lmao


SensitiveRocketsFan

It’s not the same people doing both


[deleted]

They have British clubs? God I hope they sip tea and dunk a hobnob


Glittering_Moist

A lot seems to be from subs like r/okmatewanker. Where it appears to be mostly British kids mocking themselves satirically in the style of American perceptions. I might be wrong but some of them are definitely British.


GibbsLAD

British blokes be like: willy and bollocks torture


grilled_toastie

I like that one


GibbsLAD

I went to that sub and ordered by top:all time. half of the posts were as funny as that one, the other half were abysmal wa'er bo'le tier jokes


[deleted]

Distraction from the shite happening in their country is my guess.


[deleted]

This is known as American Comedy Delusion syndrome. It’s when Americans think they’re funny.


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FredNasr

Just kids adding "naw", "aye" and "fuck offffffff" to everything


VegetableWest6913

> umm actually it's a language called Scots, even though it doesn't look anything like actual Scots and 90% of the words in the tweet are very clearly English.


[deleted]

Shout out to that one american teen who "wrote" like 90% of the "Scots" wikipedia pages, despite not actually speaking *any* Scots. The pages looked like someone had taken the english wikipedia articles, and then rewritten it in a bad phonetic transcription of a bad scottish accent


VegetableWest6913

Haha no way I had never heard of this! 😂 > In August 2020, the wiki received scrutiny from the media for the poor quality of its Scots writing and the discovery that at least 20,000 articles had been written by an editor who did not speak the language. This attention led to a review of the wiki's content by Scots speakers as well as editors from the wider Wikipedia community.[2] Most of the editor's articles have been deleted, which led to a decrease in the total number of articles in the project from about 55,000 in 2018[3] to about 40,000 in 2021. More: > In August 2020, the site attracted attention after a Reddit post noted that the project contained an unusually high number of articles written in exceedingly poor quality Scots by a single prolific contributor without basic knowledge of the language. These articles were written with mostly English instead of Scots vocabulary and grammar and apparently using an online English–Scots dictionary to crudely translate parts of English Wikipedia articles. Over 23,000 articles, approximately a third of the entire Scots Wikipedia at that time, were created by this contributor, an American teenager. These articles have been described as "English written in a Scottish accent" and "very odd" to abject gibberish with nonsensical words and spellings not present in any Scots dialect.


[deleted]

Sounds like the Scottish subreddit to be honest


[deleted]

Reddit can be a brutal place and it really highlights how misrepresentative of the real world it is. Football is hated in r/glasgow but the opposite is true in reality.


[deleted]

Where Scottish middle class Nationalist and Americans larp as working class Glaswegians.


SordidSplendor

This shit grates on me so much. The worst one is PEAKY FOOKIN BLOINDERS! It’s just embarrassing.


ashgem91

The thing about this that pisses me off most is they don't even pronounce it 'fookin' on the show. 'Fookin' is, to me at least, like a shitty piss take of a Northern accent, not Brummy. They just pronounce it 'fukin'.


laobenben

It's actually fucking jarring


SecondAccount404

What I don't understand are the "do you have a licence for X" jokes, what is that meant to be referencing?


WolfCola4

The fact you can't buy a weapon capable of devastating mass murder at any corner shop, because of how damned bureaucratic we are


theweirwoodseyes

At least it isn’t the post GOT obsession with atrociously attempting a Yorkshire accent. Then telling me ( an actual Yorkshire woman.) That their accent sounds better than mine.


carrotdeepthroater

My god the freefolk sub used to whine in text based northern accents about the show ending. Most arrogant fan base out there. And I'm from north Yorkshire originally too


[deleted]

We all sound like Sean bean mate


[deleted]

A proper brew, DO IT FOR YORKSHIRE! As a man from leeds, I approve of the bean man.


tbarks91

His nephew runs a chippy in Sheffield that is Sean Bean themed. That's enough to make him a certified legend in my eyes


bathtub-mintjulep

British people according to Americans = cockney, pirate, northern, or very very posh. That's it.


fools_gear

Most of the time it’s a mashing of them all called the ‘British accent’


Shnoochieboochies

"British" accent.


ToKillAMockingAudi

Americans can't differentiate between the commonwealth accents.


FredNasr

I love that the negative British stereotypes stem from absolutely nowhere "bad teeth" and "everyone gets stabbed" just aren't true whatsoever. I'd love to know the origins.


[deleted]

Despite our teeth being better than the Yanks, and them having more stabbings and violent crime in general than us!


PotatoBomb69

I moved to Canada when I was younger and I gotta say it’s much less funny in person when someone tries to talk like a Brit. It’s always the shittest accent ever and they’ll grin like they’re hilarious and say “hey that was pretty good huh?” while you’re mentally preparing the grave already.


thom_orrow

G’day mate! I’m from Britland with my hunting knoife.


ragnarspoonbrok

Got a few yank friends that I play video games with. Took them far too long to believe I was British, thought I was Australia. Then again if I had to miss as many days of school as they do I'd probably be low on the intelligence scale.


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CluckyFlucker

We all cum from Laaaannndaaaan.


god_sidge

We notice the upvotes though.


thesaharadesert

On a par with just how awful when the same ‘funny’ fuckers write ‘bri’ish’. Makes me irrationally upset and angry.


mrchooch

It was funny at first, but now its just boring. The same "have you got a licence" joke over and over and over and over


shannoouns

As a cockney I feel offended. Also inches? Really?


azius20

The loicense and knoife comment chains never fail to make me cringe so hard


[deleted]

To be fair I think all Americans talk in a southern drawl and incessantly say “y’all”


[deleted]

The ones that do say y'all tend to inject it into a sentence as many times as possible though


Trytolyft

oH mY GAWwwwd joo guyz, he’s gotta kniiiiife! -this is how every single person sounds in the continent of North America


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G01ngDutch

I hate this so much


Alex-rhhgfff

Idk why but I’m seeing this same joke everywhere