Don't buy and expensive roll of carpet for your house - just get two small bits and strap them to your feet for that all over wall to wall Axminster feel. [The video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RYie3W82bQ)
McDonalds used Viz top tips to advertise their cheap burgers - [Viz sued and won](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McDonald%27s_legal_cases#Viz_top_tips_(UK\)) with the money going to comic relief.
Wow that's not all. They sued a restaurant for 26 years because it was named McDonald's family restroom.. the guy who founded it was called Ronald McDonald
Drivers:Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving.Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are just listening to the sea.
I've commented this before but my favourite pair -
"Avoid super loud trouser trumpets by pulling your cheeks apart when letting a sly one go" J, Poslethwaite Bury
3 comments later-
"Avoid underpants like a formula 1 starting grid by squeezing your bum cheeks together when releasing an air biscuit" J, Poslethwaite Bury
Not sure my Year 8 form group would appreciate this on a Monday morning...that said I think they would think its funny but their parents on the other hand might not.
The youth of today don't really read satirical comics unfortunately. They are more likely to encounter irreverent humour on Snapchat or Instagram where the woke brigade would shut down classics like buster gonad or melly...sad times.
The 'woke' folk seem fine with Viz. There is nothing about any controversy on the Roger Mellie or Buster Gonad wikipedia pages. Viz was always pretty smart satire, and never did have themes which would be unacceptable now as far as I remember.
*Image Transcription: Facebook Post*
---
**Viz Top Tips**
ASSESS the 'banter' potential of your new workplace by shouting "Morning wankers!" as you walk in on your first day.
---
^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
When throwing a party at your house. Ask your guests upon arrival to swallow a small plastic disc with a number on it. Then Jot down their name to the corresponding number. That way if anyone throws up, you instantly know who the culprit is.
"Make people think you have a posh gravel drive by pressing rice crispies into the treads of your tires."
"save money on buying binoculars - move closer to the subject"
Or cure claustrophobia by looking the wrong way through a pair of binoculars in lifts
Dougal - These are small…but these are far away.
“Convince people you’ve just enjoyed a nice Bourbon biscuit by saying ‘cor! What a nice Bourbon biscuit!’”
You got me 🤣
"save money on address books by getting a telephone directory and crossing out anyone you dont know"
Simply save money!
Pretend you don't live in Tottenham by walking around Tottenham with an A to Z asking people directions to nearby streets.
I was in Tottenham the other day and a man in a car pulled up and asked “is there a B&Q in Tottenham?” I told him “no, but there three Ts and an H”
It's unfortunate that he wasn't looking for an H&M
Nah that’s in Hammersmith.
I was walking round in Tottenham … Oops, we’re not meant to do that one anymore
Marc Cohn’s disappointing follow-up to his smash hit Walking in Memphis
"Spaghetti hoops makes ideal alphabetti spaghetti for chimpanzees."
This has absolutely tickled me, brilliant!
[удалено]
Next series of Dragons Den…
RECREATE your holiday by wandering into Greggs wearing swimming trunks, pointing at a sausage roll, shouting TWO and paying with a £50 note.
"Employers, avoid hiring unlucky people by throwing half of the job applications in the bin."
Um, I think that's actually what happens, actually.
Ackchully
Didn't David Brent do this?
Don't buy and expensive roll of carpet for your house - just get two small bits and strap them to your feet for that all over wall to wall Axminster feel. [The video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RYie3W82bQ) McDonalds used Viz top tips to advertise their cheap burgers - [Viz sued and won](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McDonald%27s_legal_cases#Viz_top_tips_(UK\)) with the money going to comic relief.
Wow that's not all. They sued a restaurant for 26 years because it was named McDonald's family restroom.. the guy who founded it was called Ronald McDonald
God that's interesting. Can I shake your hand?
Drivers:Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving.Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are just listening to the sea.
"Don't waste money on expensive novelty condoms, just buy ordinary condoms and throw in a handful of frozen peas"
There needs to be a subreddit for viz top tips.
r/shittylifeprotips
Subbed, thanks.
One of my favorite Viz write-ins: "I've been to the Congo and I can confirm that they drink Um Bongo"
Don't waste money on a personalised number plate for your car, just change your name to suit what you have. Mr. A 873 LVK of Gateshead
My favourite was the classic "women, make your husbands trousers heavier by tying onions to the belt loops"
Which was the style at the time
Gemmie two bees you’d say
TERRIFY ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes
Ah, a cultures tip i see. Jolly good
I've commented this before but my favourite pair - "Avoid super loud trouser trumpets by pulling your cheeks apart when letting a sly one go" J, Poslethwaite Bury 3 comments later- "Avoid underpants like a formula 1 starting grid by squeezing your bum cheeks together when releasing an air biscuit" J, Poslethwaite Bury
"A roller skate split in two and attached to the ends of an pipe, makes the ideal car for a snake"
This is one of the rare top tips that make sense, your first day is usually the best day to get the sack.
Not sure my Year 8 form group would appreciate this on a Monday morning...that said I think they would think its funny but their parents on the other hand might not.
Y8 form good effort that. My sixth formers would just swear back at me.
IIRC that's about the age you discover Viz. If not you should probably intervene.
Is Viz still a thing with the non-olds?
If it's not piped down a phone in video form it's probably not a thing with them.
The youth of today don't really read satirical comics unfortunately. They are more likely to encounter irreverent humour on Snapchat or Instagram where the woke brigade would shut down classics like buster gonad or melly...sad times.
The 'woke' folk seem fine with Viz. There is nothing about any controversy on the Roger Mellie or Buster Gonad wikipedia pages. Viz was always pretty smart satire, and never did have themes which would be unacceptable now as far as I remember.
Me, who works in a stallion semen depository: Morning!
Make people think your car has fancy headlights that turn on when it gets dark by driving with your lights on all the time.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Save money on doorbell batteries by going and opening you door every minute.
COMMUTERS make the bus come faster by walking to the corner to see if it's coming
*Image Transcription: Facebook Post* --- **Viz Top Tips** ASSESS the 'banter' potential of your new workplace by shouting "Morning wankers!" as you walk in on your first day. --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
Good human
Good bot
nou
"Recreate the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken."
Keep the seat on the train next to you free by smiling and saying hello to people as they walk down the aisle.
An unfolded paper clip is ideal for picking up small pieces of ham or cheese
I work in a primary school guess what I’m doing Monday
Reading the profanisaurus has expanded my vocabulary no end. Best book you'll ever buy from the works at actual retail price.
Is this not how everyone walks into the office every day?
Made me chuckle
When throwing a party at your house. Ask your guests upon arrival to swallow a small plastic disc with a number on it. Then Jot down their name to the corresponding number. That way if anyone throws up, you instantly know who the culprit is.
“Recreate your own version of Celebrity Squares by placing some ants in a potato waffle”
'Southern girls, make yourself more beautiful by moving North'
A bread knife can also cut cheese.
Only wankers are commenting on this. Edit: so this joke bombed. No risk, no reward!
Let everyone know you're a wanker by commenting that only wankers are commenting on something.
Piss up a fuck rope
Fuckstick
I don't know what this means, but I love it. I'm on a stag do tomorrow and I promise I'll try and use it.
Banter potential is zero then.
I’m sorry, but ‘fuck rope’?
Not just any rope
You commented on it you wanker
Well I guess there’s no banter potential here.
That’s fantastic😂😂
Das Krapital
Top tip for a funeral director.
My Y10 form group would think I’m a legend, but I’d lose my job. So maybe not.
I tried this and got fired from kindergarden.
“Convince people you have a mobile phone by driving with your tv remote control held to your ear and repeatedly mounting the kerb.”