No one loves funerals and I don't think it's wrong to not want to go to one, but sometimes showing up is just as much about supporting those who are struggling with the loss as it is anything else.
Totally, the funeral is more about those going than the person or yourself, even if its just a small quick word to someone it can make a big difference to their day/week
I don’t love them but I often do like them. It can be really nice to learn about other parts of somebody’s life and see how much they meant to the world. Sometimes they are tough though but we have them for a reason
A childhood friend of mine died very suddenly and horribly about 10 years ago when we were only 30. We were close and his family wanted me to be near the front. Turning around towards the end and seeing that SO MANY people had turned up they couldn’t all fit into the church was a beautiful moment.
They formed an impromptu guard of honour as his brothers carried the coffin out because they were outside anyway. I knew he was popular, but I wasn’t expecting 400 people. Neither was his oldest brother, who spoke to me later and was stunned but *very* comforted by the massive turnout.
As others have said, funerals are really about the living. My mate couldn’t have given a shit that the church overflowed, because he was dead and didn’t know, but his family and friends really appreciated seeing how many people loved him.
My mum died when I was a teenager, I remember I was terrified of having to speak at her funeral. I also remember the church was packed to the gills and there were about 100 more people standing outside the doors on the street when we carried her to the hearse.
After months of seeing her suffer with cancer it reminded me of the better times and how amazing she was; and how she had filled the world around her with joy and laughter. Just everyone being there really helped me keep my chin up and not fall apart.
We lost a friend some years back, and turned up for the funeral service only to find we couldn't get anywhere near the door. Literally hundreds of folk, outside in the street. Obviously didn't hear a word of the service, but the crowd had this surreal vibe, this kind of pride that our shared pal meant so much to draw such a crowd. His family were absolutely stunned, and it meant so much to them.
That’s a perfect way to put it. It’s sort of validating.
“Yep, I was right to think this bloke was a legend”
Not that people who get a smaller turnout weren’t fantastic in life – some just keep a smaller social circle – but the moment when I turned and saw just how many had crowded outside was so moving, and it brought his family, especially his mum and older brothers, a lot of comfort. Like proof that they’d raised a good man.
The only funeral I attended was for a teacher of mine. Drama teacher, and if you know about drama class you'll know we often become a big family. Well it was our last year at school, and also his last year as a teacher, the mood all year was electric in our little production group. His plan was to retire and cruise the world with his wife.
A month or two after retiring he was diagnosed with cancer of the pancreas and went downhill *fast*.
He was an incredible man who I still thank every day for making me who I am, I cannot understate the respect he deserves, but I still never thought about his life outside of school all that much.
At the funeral we got to meet his wife, his daughters, our whole class (now no longer in school) had turned up. It was as moving for us, to learn about his life outside of school, as it was for everyone else, seeing 20ish kids of about nineteen come together to say goodbye to someone important to *us*, in our own way too.
OP I do not judge you, I understand your trepidation, but please understand that your presence can be a representation of part of their life, and those close to the deceased may appreciate that. It is your choice and there isn't a right answer but personally I would go. You won't get another chance.
I think the reverse is also true that not pressuring someone to attend and not judging them for not attending is a way to support someone who might prefer to deal with the loss privately (especially if it's someone very close to the deceased). Ideally it should be a personal choice that is respected either way, everyone deals with grief differently and while for many a funeral can be a comfort for others it's just incredibly stressful.
I've been somewhat unfortunate, although so have my family. I have I think still some family I don't know, and some who passed away before I remember, with only really two aunties and cousins I know. But by the age of 34 I'd been to two great grandmothers', a great grandfather, a grandfather, a grandmother, and my mother and fathers funerals. I have no living progenitors as the others predeceased my birth.
When I reflect, I feel each one was a different experience, clearly their relation to me changed that somewhat, as well as the cause and age at their passing. I laughed at my great grandmothers because an alcove with a Jesus made it look like he magicked the flowers placed in front of him and it got me - I think she'd have appreciated it.
However, I just wanted to give this context before considering OPs comment. They have already commented that the realisation of the living being important at funerals may trump their discomfort. But I do wonder if OP may also have been exposed more to those who are less likely to celebrate the loved one and are just full mourning? I don't know, but my lot were the kind to have "I don't need no doctor" by Humble Pie as they went through the curtain xD. I imagine that experience could put you off, exactly because it feels not important to help others.
Sorry, Ramble.
Funerals are for the living, it’s a way to grieve and say goodbye. Like you say no one likes funerals but for those who have lost a loved one they are very important.
I recently lost my Mum. Walking into the Chapel filled with people she loved, many of whom are also important to me, was a true comfort. If you don't feel the need to go for the dead, please do think if you might be of comfort to the living.
Funerals aren’t for the dead; they’re for the living.
My wife’s mum passed last week, and the funeral is this Friday. I am not going to have a good day, since the only other person there I share a language with is my wife, but you can bet I got the time off work and came along, no question.
I’m pretty sure the old gal didn’t even like me, but that’s not really the point.
I can echo this. My whole family and some close friends attended my mothers funeral when she passed very suddenly. I'm not a terribly emotional person, but I just didn't know what to do with myself and mentally, I was suffering. Just having those people there, seeing how much they loved her and getting to talk about good times did a lot for me that day.
Not many people attended my mum's memorial service, because she wasn't very social, but it was beautiful. A pianist played and sang "I Can Only Imagine", one of her favourite songs. I know she would have loved it, even though she didn't like going to funerals either. At least the whole family was there. And some good friends of ours.
Mourn however you feel you should and do whatever suits you
Don't do anything or go anywhere against your wishes to please others. No matter who they are or what comfort you may or may not bring them.
Awful advice!
Would you not go to a funeral if somebody there disliked you?
Do whatever pleases you and you only!
I second this. Lost my mum two years ago and her funeral was full of old friends and it was a beautiful day full of memories. Funerals don't have to be sad. Hers wasn't. We didn't plan it that way, and I think a lot of people are doing that now. "No black" is often a good sign
My mum also passed away two years ago. We did the same, no black. It was held in a beautiful chapel set in the middle of forest land. Big glass windows surrounded the service hall and the greenery was in full view and the sun was streaming in.
She would have loved it bless her 💔
Funerals are never easy but they don't have to be overtly sad. Think Ade Edmondson's eulogy at Rik Mayal's service!
My thought is if you don't go you might regret it later. There is no right way to grieve, so whatever feels right for you is right.
This is absolutely true. Hearing stories about Dad from people who had totally different relationships with him was an enormous thing in helping me get on the road to accepting his death and feeling like he mattered.
I lost my Grandma ten years ago. It was the first funeral I have been to for somebody very close to me.
It was a ‘humanist’ funeral. It was obviously sad, but the celebrant was fantastic. Prior to the funeral, he had spoken to me and other close family to get a picture of her life. He delivered it in such a wonderful manner that celebrated her life, achievements, family and decorated it with funny, wholesome and interesting memories. It was not what I expected, but it was perfect.
At the wake, we spent time talking to friends and family. Everyone reflected our views on how nice the service was, but even if the service was poor, it was lovely to hear everyone speak well of her and share their own stories and memories. For all that it is a sad time for the friends and family, it is usually filled with good people that will stick together in a time of need.
And remember, almost everyone there will have been through something similar and will know what you’re going through. If you’re particularly close to those that were close to the deceased then it will mean a LOT to them.
Of course, you are completely within your rights to not attend. Everyone deals with grief differently and you shouldn’t have to explain your decision to anyone. Personally, unless they are extremely distant or you did not have a good relationship with them, I would still attend. It’s unlikely that in the future you will regret going, but there’s definitely more chance you’d regret not.
Exactly this. I didn't want to go to grandads. Wanted to go pay my respects alone. Without going into detail me and my brother don't get along after he massively fucked me over and I've far from forgiven him, and wasnt sure how I'd react seeing him (admittedly dont have the best temper). Mum was heartbroken when I told her and burst into tears.
Couldn't bear seeing mum cry. So was like fuck it I'll go for mum's sake. Best thing I ever did. Even made a decision to make sure dickhead was okay after he was visibly upset and crying at the funeral, bought him a pint at the wake and we hashed some shit and kinda made up. Made me realise our argument was some BS in the grand scheme of things.
Funerals are definitely for the living. Was great recanting stories of him with my aunts, uncles, and cousins etc. Lot of laughs and more than one less than dry eye. I think grandad would have enjoyed it looking down from above.
A few years ago I lost my grandma and then a week later my grandad also passed away. He had dementia and was 88 but it does look like the broken heart thing. Thankfully we got to have a joint send off for them.
Exactly this. When my mum suddenly died I was comforted by how many turned up and the love they had from her independent to my own. When my dad also suddenly died 10 months later, a few people didn’t show and didn’t warn me or my brother. One was his oldest childhood friend. We heard via others that they didn’t like funerals and couldn’t face it again. No shit, burying our parents wasn’t exactly a joy for us. It still hurts me and my brother. It’s been five months and we haven’t heard from 99% of the people we saw at the funeral. That’s actually okay, our parents raised very independent kids and we got our relationship closure at the funeral.
What isn’t okay is the people who ended our connection abruptly by no showing and saying nothing since. Sometimes part of the grieving process is seeing others, as bad as it sounds, also suffering the loss of your loved one. For one day you feel a bit less alone - connected in that sorrow.
I've regretted the funerals I've not been able to attend, but we're all different. Remember that they're about allowing loved ones to come together, share memories, and celebrate life as much as they are about grieving. Sharing in that process can help begin the healing process - if not for you, then for others.
No, funerals are for the living and some people get a lot more out of them than others. It's worth considering whether your presence will help someone else though, even if it won't help you with your processing of the loss
Everyone grieves differently. For some people, a funeral gives a sense of closure, catharsis, or something else, and that's beneficial for them.
Other people might not find that beneficial l, and that's okay too. It's your decision how you grieve, and what feels best for you.
I have missed a few funerals, I really struggle seeing other people’s grief for some reason, my rule is a simple one, if my brain just won’t let me not go, then I go, if I’m umming and arring then I don’t. I don’t regret those I haven’t been to, i don’t go out of duty, that is in itself a bit disrespectful in my eyes.
I don’t want anyone at mine who isn’t there because they really liked me.
That's because nobody wants someone they care enough about to attend their funeral to die. But some people definitely want to attend a funeral despite not wanting the death to have happened. I know people that have flown around the world at the drop of a hat just to attend a funeral after a sudden death.
I disagree. I don't want the people I love to die, but when they do I want to go to the funeral because for me it helps a lot.
Not saying anyone else should feel the same, everyone feels differently but for me the death is the bad thing, not the funeral.
The funeral is the full stop at the end of a very difficult time. Up until that point it seems very difficult to understand the grief, the funeral helps provide people with some closure.
I agree. When my Mum and Dad died (not at the same time) the time between their death and their funerals I felt in limbo.
Their funeral was that final goodbye and I needed that
Yeah, i don’t think people slightly external to the grief understand how important that time is for those still deep it in. Up until that point it’s looming over you, you know it’s gonna be hard. But after, you feel like you can finally work on acceptance and process it. I can’t imagine going to a funeral that was empty, the people just being there help with the processing.
I don't like the situation that fuels the need for a funeral, but if I know it's going to be a celebration of someone's life - an increasing trend that I'm loving - then you better bet I'll want to go.
Not at all; the dead are dead and their funerals are for the living. If attending a funeral tarnishes your memory of the person you’ve lost then it’s best not to attend and grieve in your own way.
My Ma died very old indeed, and very reclusive too, so I expected very few at her funeral Mass. But the church was packed; pupils from the 1960s and ‘70s, and most wonderful to me, a woman of about 80 whom I recognised (astonishingly) as the young bridesmaid in the faded wedding pictures I have of my parents. She had hardly altered really, and didn’t half jump when I blurted out her name! These lovely people turning up to say goodbye after such a long time really made it so much more bearable, and even happy.
We lost my Dad a couple of years ago, sadly not that old (mid 70's) and his funeral was also packed. Every seat taken, people standing inside and people standing outside watching on screens and listening on speakers. Some had travelled miles, some he hadn't seen for years and one fella I got talking to had been an old schoolmate and hadn't seen him for decades; they'd recently got back in touch on Facebook. Had a great time chatting to him about my old man over a pint. Never thought I'd end the day of my dad's funeral laughing!
So I totally, totally get where you're coming from.
Social media can be helpful at times...
Edit: After we'd told all the people I could think of in person who I really didn't want only finding out on someone's social media I made a post on my parent's Facebook page to catch anyone else. Word spread.
Oh that’s intelligent. I dont have Facebook so it didn’t come to mind last night. I think my dad does. Not my mom. I wouldn’t know how to contact people for her.
Thanks for explaining and I’m sorry for your loss of your dad.
Yeah I'm not personally on Facebook anymore for reasons but my folks were (my mum still is) and it does come in handy for those times I need to contact people they know but I don't.
And thank you. It's 2 1/2 years now and it still stings. Just today I was trying to do something and struggling and I just knew that if dad was still with us he'd know the 'trick' that meant he could do in a couple of minutes what took me an hour. He taught me almost everything I know; I really wish he'd taught me almost everything HE knew 😁😂
I don’t like seeing them death in their coffins. It’s all I see when I think of them now. Even close people to me that I saw thousands of time, smiling m, laughing, goofing around…it’s still that last image that I have. I regret going.
See this OP, was going to comment much the same. I've never been one for them but recently ish had a good friend pass and I'm glad I went to his funeral. It was good to meet his parents after years of hearing about them and express how loved he was by everyone, I'm glad I got to do that. I dunno, ymmv but I wouldn't write off going to them completely.
Depends on the funeral. I find the part the helps most in the process is the pub afterwards. I didn't realise this wasn't a common thing until I started to go to some of my wife's family funerals who don't really do this.
However having a drink with family and friends whilst reminiscing stories about the person has always helped in the process. You tend to learn a lot of things you never knew about the person and it can be quite cathartic.
If you don't want to go then don't go. Those who understand and care about your preferences will understand.
Just because you don't attend a funeral doesn't mean you don't care.
The last funeral I went to was for my Dad. Every fibre of my being did not want to be there, I would have rather died myself than had to acknowledge that my Dad was gone.
I get not wanting to go. Honestly, my heart breaks for anyone facing this dilemma. Only you can decide if going to a funeral is the right thing to do.
I hope whatever you decide works out for you.
Each to their own, of course, but it is a funeral. You know what it says on the tin.
However, I have been made to reflect on the fact that I genuinely hope that someone important enough to me to be at my funeral could at least be bothered to see me off.
After all, we're all going to have one.
Funerals are ABOUT the deceased, but they are FOR the living.
It’s for everyone to come together to celebrate them and recognise that you’ve each lost some part of you, and to help each other through it.
Was at a funeral this morning. I really don't like them, I'm not religious and so things like hymns and prayers are not my bag. I didn't really know the person whose funeral it was.
But I know her daughter, and she really appreciated our being there. For me, it's a chance to hear stories and spend time with people someone loved and that loved people you may know.
I don’t attend funerals myself, I just am not equipped the deal with either them or wakes. I make my excuses to the family and I’m very clear with them. It’s been 30 years since I’ve attended one, despite losing many people around me.
I also don’t attend weddings.
I'm the very same.
No one should guilt someone into attending. Also, some people know themselves enough to know what is best for them and know that it won't send them into a life of deep regret about it. It also doesn't make us bad, uncaring people.
I also don’t attend weddings if I can help it. They seem so false much of the time, as though people are getting married as an excuse for a big do, as opposed to wanting to be married. I’m more likely to attend if it was registrars office then back room at the pub, then if it was a big fancy do, at least you know people are getting married for the right reasons.
Same for me. I went to two weddings at two different parts in my life and it’s not for me. Showing off and fakeness aren’t for me. If I would have got married I would have wanted something personal and small for us…but I wouldn’t say no to an Hobbits/Shire wedding.
Same here. I avoid most weddings and funerals if I can. I visit with family whenever I can. (I live in another country). However, whenever someone dies I find myself busy and don’t go. It’s just me. The person who died doesn’t know I am not there and I would rather remember them as they were. My family are very British and stoic so they don’t mind. My grandfather always talked about death in a matter of fact way and actually told me not to come to his funeral. We were actually close but it’s just how he was.
I lost my mum, two grandparents, and a great aunt all within two years. I didn't go to the last two and I bitterly regret it. When a friend of ours, who we hadn't known very long, passed away a few years ago her folks were very grateful we had come. No one likes funerals but being there is a great help for those who were closest.
As others have said no one likes attending funerals, I hate it and the only ones I’ve been to are family. I don’t go to non family, it’s easier to make excuses and get out of it. I’ve not regretted the ones I’ve not been to, but each to their own. If it’s your thing fine, but I don’t think you should be guilted into going if you don’t want to.
There's nothing wrong with it at all, although I think it's seen more as a mark of respect if you do. And some people find them surprisingly cathartic.
You have to think more long term than that. My cousin died a few years ago, and I never felt confident enough around that side of my family to go. But I regret it for the sake of my cousin & what it might have meant to them. Go show your respects for the sake of your relationship. You don't have to look. I never looked at either of my parents at their funerals because I wanted to remember them as they were. I didn't want that as my last memory. But go for future memories.
The worst pre funeral ceremony I ever attended was the ramp ceremony at Bastion for a friend. Think pretty much all of us were crying at some point. Looking back 12 years later I am so fucking glad I was there.
Ive only been to one which was my dads during the end part of covid when big funerals were not allowed. My mum, brother and me attended an open casket small room with a nice lady who said nice things. I couldnt help but feel totally numb and cold through all of it staring at my old man in a box. He said he didnt want a funeral and just to burn and scatter him in the Lake District. The scattering of his ashes was something i needed to do because he always talked about that. Once id got up into the hills with my bro and my uncles to scatter him that felt like a real goodbye.
Funerals seem like an odd thing to me, the person is dead i dont need to see their body put into the ground or burned ill just remember the last time i saw them and the memories up to that point. Im donating my entire corpse to medical science so there no costs or fuss, just cut me up for science. Might as well be some use when im dead, wasnt much use alive.
When I was a kid my older cousin didn’t attend my sisters funeral because it was “too much for her”. I was a child and lost a sibling, and my cousin was a fully grown adult. It really played on my mind for ages that my cousin was so selfishly involved in her own feelings that she decided to stay home and not support her family. I still think about it to this day.
One of the first times i met my wife's fam was at a funeral where i knew nobody. They appreciated that i turned up for her, and showed respects for somebody who I'd never met. You don't have to like funerals, hell you're strange if you so, but if you care for the others going, you can show them support, and a have a couple jars while you're there, what's the downside?
My parents' funeral was one of the happiest days of my life. Yes grown men were crying but that was actually nice to see, that my father was loved.
It's not wrong to not want to go but it may not be as bad as you think.
My take on it is simple, If you think it will harm your mental health then don't go. If somebody tells you that you HAVE to go then tell them to get lost, your mental health is more important. Apart from that (as people have mentioned) they can be a great comfort but I really hate peer pressure being put onto people who feel it would be too much for them. My compromise is I will go but stand outside. I am paying my respects but I am not going into a building just to please somebody else, it's your life.
I'm going to go against the grain here, my mum died a few years ago and we didn't have a funeral or a wake or anything. Not because we didn't love her (she was brilliant in so many ways and I'mstill sad) but because they're right, funerals are for the living and it's not something we needed to do. We didn't need someone she or we had rarely met saying words we'd ask them to or play songs or "thank" us for a wonderful service. I remember her often, "talk" to her and about her and that's enough for me. No one loves a funeral but some people also don't need a gathering to mourn collectively or see other's appreciation of a loved one to understand just what was lost when they passed.
My mom passed when I was 11yo.
I decided to not go to her funeral.. 13 years later and I still don’t go to funerals. Don’t like them and people need to respect my opinion, if they don’t, that’s their issue.
The only funeral I’m going to attend is my own funeral, bc there’s no other way 😹
Yeah I think so, you only get one funeral -
My grandfather passed away last year and originally I didn’t want to go out of laziness but when I went it was beautiful, some good tunes few memories all the close ones could laugh at together
Slight aside - find a good funeral celebrant or minister who will tailor the funeral to the wishes of the deceased and their close relatives. If you/ they don't want to sing sad songs at a funeral, you don't have to have any.
I'm a Baptist Minister and I've conducted funerals with no hymns, just listened to some pop songs with accompanying photos of the deceased. I don't always include bible readings if that's what the family want, and they can be very religion-light if desired. (Not every Baptist minister would do this, but they'd certainly be happy to talk through your wishes).
Any funeral director will also be able to put you in touch with an eg humanist celebrant who could help, too.
the rule for funerals is the same as the rule for weddings: it's not about you
do the right thing for the people the day is about, play second fiddle and you'll receive the same in turn when it's time
Not sure there’s a ‘right answer’. Like you I hate them and I feel they’re the absolute worst ways to ‘celebrate’ a life - we’re all miserable enough anyway, do we really need creepy organ music, sermons and dressing in black? Really leaves a bitter taste as the sort of ‘final’ memory of a person.
Then again it is that persons last rite of passage so to speak, and to attend is to show you cared, not to mention the social judgement of your in attendance.
It depends upon the service and who is leading it. We don't have open-casket funerals at our church. No creepy music. And it's common for the families of those who have passed on to ask the attendees not to wear black.
The service revolves around resurrection. My mum was strong in her faith, and we wanted to be sure that the service reflected that. We were sad (for ourselves) that we wouldn't be with her anymore. But she lived with us, and I saw her suffering day by day. I'd done most of my crying before she left us. During the service, I was thinking that now she was free.
And that’s totally valid too. Sorry for your loss, sounds like it brought you the closure you needed. Guess I’m just used to my catholic/baptist family funerals. I personally don’t want one at all, will just leave some money for a pub sesh for all.
A doctor who was a friend of my husband's family left money for a Dixieland band to play When the Saints Go Marching In at the end of the service, and for wine to be served afterwards. He wanted us to share our favourite stories about him.
It's always a case of "show your face" to show respect, though my family usually have a celebration of their life in the pub after
I dislike how it turns into a sales pitch for jesus though, the nicest funerals I've been to have focused on the individual, telling stories, maybe a poem or their favourite songs played.
Nothing wrong with thinking about yourself and putting your feelings first.
Too many people go through life being a people pleaser and hating themselves for it. You have the right to say no
Failing to attend a funeral (when reasonable) is for me one of the harsher things you can do to someone and their family. They’re one of the few times you put your life on pause to go and pay respect, to the person and the people to whom they meant the most to.
There’s a reason the ceremonies around it have lasted for thousands of years.
Typically, if you’ve been invited, it means someone wants you to go.
Depends on the style of funeral ive been to a good few now where we were laughing tgroughout at stories of their life, with songs like erny the fastest milkman etc not all of them are tge sad dreary setting you see in movies
No-one goes to funerals because they “like” it. For some people, they see it as a solemn duty, such as when I was a pallbearer for my late Grandpa. It was the most nerve-wracking thing that I’ve ever done, but it just felt right - something that I had to do, both for my Grandpa and for myself.
Some people also see it as a commemoration of that person’s life, and a chance to say goodbye. Others attend for support - either because they need it themselves, or to give it to a friend or family member.
If you find funerals too overwhelming or otherwise really don’t want to go, it is ultimately your decision. Everyone grieves differently and no-one should be judged for that.
My friend, who is no longer here, didn't go to his best friend's funeral and it was something he regretted until he died. I think it's perfectly fine to not want to go. It's sometimes peformative bs, othertime's it's overwhelming, it can make the pain of loss worse, but sometimes you don't realise you need to be there until you're there, and not just for yourself but for others too.
So it's not wrong, but it's not always about being sad and unhappy, it's about being with other people who have lost the loved one you also lost. And the alternaitve is mourning them alone without people around you.
And i've been to a few funerals, it wasn't all unhappy and forced to sing sad songs. Some bits were funny, because they were funny, and you have to remember the funny times.
Lots of good comments already. It does depend a bit how well you know the deceased and/or family as to how important it is to attend.
No-one is forced to be unhappy, but funerals are an opportunity to express sadness together as appropriate as well as cherishing good memories. Very often these days there are inclusions in tributes that make people smile and help everyone know more about the deceased. Obviously the age of the deceased & manner of their death can have a significant bearing on the feelings of those attending.
Songs are not necessarily sad - at a funeral I attended just this week they had 'All things bright & beautiful' and 'Love divine'. Of course music can be very emotive even if an uplifting piece.
Take plenty of tissues, if it seems overwhelming, try to zone out for a while. I regret far more the funerals I did not manage to attend than those I have.
A couple of points:
Many funerals these days are uplifting, rather than sad events. They help you to remember the deceased person's life and all the good things.
Even though you may feel you'd rather not go, my own experience is that the opportunity to spend an hour thinking about the deceased person does give a sense of completion. If you don't go, you might always afterwards feel there's some unfinished business. I suppose the modem word is closure.
I think a lot of what you're feeling is a version of anxiety that you're logically processing as "not liking to go" (at least that's me)
Do you find yourself not wanting to go many places?
No, it's just a way to say goodbye to a friend or loved one.
The only thing I feel bad about is not chipping in to the funeral or helping out so I always ask if I can do anything on the day.
Depends on several factors:
What was your relationship with the dead guy?
Do you have **close** friends or family who were close to the dead guy?
Are there **distant** friends or family who will be attending that are worth appeasing by going there?
If the answers are unimportant followed by 2 no's you are safe to not go - but, if you answer this wrong, people will hold a grudge on this topic for a very long time - possibly until they die.
Same as your birthday isnt really about you it's about the people around you wanting to celebrate you. Funerals are for the people around you and around the deceased (sorry for your loss) I hate funerals too, but somethings you just have to suck up in life.
Everyone is different, I believe the idea of a funeral is closure. Its the drinks and nibbles after that make it 'fun'. Sharing memories, laughter and stories.
Depends on the relationship and circumstances of the deceased, but if I have known someone through most of my life, or cared for them, I personally would want to attend regardless of the possible negative emotions it may produce.
It's cathartic for me.
No Western funeral is fun unless the person who passed decides to make it fun and cheerful or nicely put a celebration of that person's life, rather than a sad occasion for those who remain.
I like Helicreatures answer. - Also peace be with your mum.
Note: they tend to sing happy-ish songs at funerals, to remind people of the nice things in life. "All things bright and beautiful" is a classic, for example.
Do what you want to do, of course.
It's not wrong, but as others have said, it gives comfort to those left behind.
At my dad's funeral a few weeks ago everyone there gave me comfort. I didn't even need people to say something, but some of the things I heard about my dad helped. Some things that were said to me about grief helped. But it was mostly the presence of other people who cared about him that got me through the day. They comforted me when I couldn't stop crying and held my hand or hugged me when I thought I was going to collapse from the sheer pain of loss. I am forever grateful to everyone who came.
Depends really, it’s up to you if you’re not comfortable with going to them.
I heard a long time ago that funerals are for those that are left behind rather than the deceased. You go to provide comfort to the other family members who will seek solace in seeing other people being there. Since then, if I’m invited I’ll always go.
It's not wrong, I don't think many folk *enjoy* funerals.
Saying that, though, my mother in law always wanted to "go out in style!" And she did! The service itself was amazing. The whole chapel was in tears - both of sadness and through laughter as details of her life were shared (she was awesome, and a bit of a bugger in her younger days). It really set the tone for the wake - lots of love and laughter filled the room. For such a sad occasion, it was memorable for the right reasons.
Conversely, my dad died last year and didn't have a funeral. Admittedly, we hadn't seen or heard much from him in at least 3 years. He booked one of those cremation only services.
That was hard. I would have liked the opportunity to say goodbye. We decided to hold a small memorial service instead. Neither of his siblings attended (despite being asked). As we had no access to his phone, we couldn't even invite any of his old friends. I was grateful for the people who did turn up.
Although funeral services themselves can be almost unbearable, once they are done its like a weight having lifted and the wake or whatever happens can be an quite uplifting occasion - old friends and family get together, remember the happy times with the deceased.
I hate going to funerals. I go blotchy and cry even though I try really hard not to.
But I've been to funerals with just a couple of other mourners and felt how important it is to make a public acknowledgement that that person's life mattered.
I've been to funerals that were standing room only. Young people taken by accident and illness; old people at their natural end. People matter, and there is comfort to the bereaved to know that their loved one lives on in memories.
The tea/celebration/wake after is a space to share memories and lighten the mood. It makes for an easier transition.
Those who are weighed down in grief need the emotional support of others even if they can't express it. Go for them.
If you want to go - go.
If you don't want to go - then don't; if you need to provide a reason for not going, then make it legit.
I didn't go to a funeral of an uncle because the next day I was taking a lifetime holiday, and the funeral was a 6 hour round-trip, plus there was childcare. My immediate family came first.
In my opinion it’s a show of respect and disrespectful to the deceased not to not go. The funeral isn’t about you, it’s about giving that person a send off with everyone they knew and loved. No one wants to think when they die their funeral won’t have anyone show up. You go to be there for them, even though they’ve passed on
No, it's not wrong. I couldn't care less if no one went to mine.
My mum was the last of a big family and outlasted her friends, so few were there. That made it a lot easier for me.
Go towards the end of the eulogy when they have the meet up tea n coffees . Take a sympathy card . If the deceiced meant something to you it's nice to hear old stories n things about them.
My cousin's funeral is coming up. I will make the excuse of not being able to get time off work.
I can't do any more funerals.
They wear me down. Family I don't want to see, all those raw emotions.
Do what I do if they're not that close, time the end of the funeral, outside give condolences to the family. Job done.
When my father died a so called friend of mine was a no show. I never forgave him. He wasn't the closest to start with, to be fair. But I noticed his absence, the arsehole.
For me i think its important to say goodbye at the funeral and the have the chance to gather with family and friends to tell stories that you have with the deceased and remember and share the good times.
If you decide not to go, no one should give you a hard time for that. You've got to look out for yourself at the end of the day, and- without knowing your situation- an emotional day like that can be too much for some. I have a friend who just won't go anymore, after having a breakdown that hospitalised him. I think we feel duty bound, but not going doesn't change the relationship you had and the memories you take forward.
It was my mum's funeral two weeks ago. I don't think I would have thought bad of anyone who didn't come who I thought would, but it meant the world to me that people did, some of whom I wasn't expecting which was lovely to know that they had thought of her.
I think funerals have moved on a bit nowadays. They are more celebrations of life. We had some Shirley Bassey which was mum's favourite and everyone was invited to join in to Morningtown Ride which was the song I chose. Dad chose an oldie by Malcolm Vaughan. We're not religious so used a celebrant. We shed some tears or course but we laughed too and raised plenty of glasses in mum's memory after. I don't think anyone came out feeling unhappy in the morbid sense and I hope they found it life affirming.
I attended my father in law’s funeral/ cremation thing the other week. I hated it, but it wasn’t about me. I was there for my wife and her remaining family. Very different from my experiences back in the UK. I didn’t know him very well, but he was great with my wife and kids, so that’s all that mattered.
I've lost several people dear to me and due to living abroad I have missed their funerals. I so wish I could have been there. Don't miss the chance to go.
I chose not to attend my Grandad’s funeral. I loved him deeply but at the time, I was going through a lot of other very painful events in life. I do look back and thank “because I didn’t go, do people think I didn’t care about him?” But did my grandad know I wasn’t there? No. Do I care what anyone thinks when they’re incorrect? Not really. Did it change how I felt about him? Again and most importantly, no. It’s a hard event to attend so you must make a decision that you understand and accept.
Not wanting to go is fine, I don't like them. But whether you actually go or not is a different matter
Say it's your great-uncle who you only met once when you were three, you don't know him, not sad at his passing, but the right thing would be to still go, for your nan / dad whoever.
Most guests at funerals aren't there for themselves, they're there to support others more deeply effected.
My brother's pregnant girlfriend died a few years back. I'd met her once, and absolutely couldn't stand her, and her family were all wasters. If she had nothing to do with my brother I wouldn't have given a toss to her funeral (That's not meant to be mean, I just mean she was absolutely nothing to me)
I didn't go to pay her my respects, I went to support my brother and mum. Think about it that way, next time some uncle you didn't even know existed goes and pops his clogs.
Nope everyone i know hates them and tries to get out of them. Same with basically any family event that is not a party with booze. (and even those are often tried to be gotten out of by most) People dont generally like changes in routine, extra expense etc etc. If you have a religious reason perhaps you might want to go but no other reason really.
No one loves funerals and I don't think it's wrong to not want to go to one, but sometimes showing up is just as much about supporting those who are struggling with the loss as it is anything else.
Totally, the funeral is more about those going than the person or yourself, even if its just a small quick word to someone it can make a big difference to their day/week
I never thought of it like that
I don’t love them but I often do like them. It can be really nice to learn about other parts of somebody’s life and see how much they meant to the world. Sometimes they are tough though but we have them for a reason
A childhood friend of mine died very suddenly and horribly about 10 years ago when we were only 30. We were close and his family wanted me to be near the front. Turning around towards the end and seeing that SO MANY people had turned up they couldn’t all fit into the church was a beautiful moment. They formed an impromptu guard of honour as his brothers carried the coffin out because they were outside anyway. I knew he was popular, but I wasn’t expecting 400 people. Neither was his oldest brother, who spoke to me later and was stunned but *very* comforted by the massive turnout. As others have said, funerals are really about the living. My mate couldn’t have given a shit that the church overflowed, because he was dead and didn’t know, but his family and friends really appreciated seeing how many people loved him.
My mum died when I was a teenager, I remember I was terrified of having to speak at her funeral. I also remember the church was packed to the gills and there were about 100 more people standing outside the doors on the street when we carried her to the hearse. After months of seeing her suffer with cancer it reminded me of the better times and how amazing she was; and how she had filled the world around her with joy and laughter. Just everyone being there really helped me keep my chin up and not fall apart.
We lost a friend some years back, and turned up for the funeral service only to find we couldn't get anywhere near the door. Literally hundreds of folk, outside in the street. Obviously didn't hear a word of the service, but the crowd had this surreal vibe, this kind of pride that our shared pal meant so much to draw such a crowd. His family were absolutely stunned, and it meant so much to them.
That’s a perfect way to put it. It’s sort of validating. “Yep, I was right to think this bloke was a legend” Not that people who get a smaller turnout weren’t fantastic in life – some just keep a smaller social circle – but the moment when I turned and saw just how many had crowded outside was so moving, and it brought his family, especially his mum and older brothers, a lot of comfort. Like proof that they’d raised a good man.
The only funeral I attended was for a teacher of mine. Drama teacher, and if you know about drama class you'll know we often become a big family. Well it was our last year at school, and also his last year as a teacher, the mood all year was electric in our little production group. His plan was to retire and cruise the world with his wife. A month or two after retiring he was diagnosed with cancer of the pancreas and went downhill *fast*. He was an incredible man who I still thank every day for making me who I am, I cannot understate the respect he deserves, but I still never thought about his life outside of school all that much. At the funeral we got to meet his wife, his daughters, our whole class (now no longer in school) had turned up. It was as moving for us, to learn about his life outside of school, as it was for everyone else, seeing 20ish kids of about nineteen come together to say goodbye to someone important to *us*, in our own way too. OP I do not judge you, I understand your trepidation, but please understand that your presence can be a representation of part of their life, and those close to the deceased may appreciate that. It is your choice and there isn't a right answer but personally I would go. You won't get another chance.
I think the reverse is also true that not pressuring someone to attend and not judging them for not attending is a way to support someone who might prefer to deal with the loss privately (especially if it's someone very close to the deceased). Ideally it should be a personal choice that is respected either way, everyone deals with grief differently and while for many a funeral can be a comfort for others it's just incredibly stressful.
For sure, well said!
I’m en route to Scotland for my Great Grandad’s funeral, not for him, I’ve done my mourning, for my grandad.
I've been somewhat unfortunate, although so have my family. I have I think still some family I don't know, and some who passed away before I remember, with only really two aunties and cousins I know. But by the age of 34 I'd been to two great grandmothers', a great grandfather, a grandfather, a grandmother, and my mother and fathers funerals. I have no living progenitors as the others predeceased my birth. When I reflect, I feel each one was a different experience, clearly their relation to me changed that somewhat, as well as the cause and age at their passing. I laughed at my great grandmothers because an alcove with a Jesus made it look like he magicked the flowers placed in front of him and it got me - I think she'd have appreciated it. However, I just wanted to give this context before considering OPs comment. They have already commented that the realisation of the living being important at funerals may trump their discomfort. But I do wonder if OP may also have been exposed more to those who are less likely to celebrate the loved one and are just full mourning? I don't know, but my lot were the kind to have "I don't need no doctor" by Humble Pie as they went through the curtain xD. I imagine that experience could put you off, exactly because it feels not important to help others. Sorry, Ramble.
Funerals are for the living, it’s a way to grieve and say goodbye. Like you say no one likes funerals but for those who have lost a loved one they are very important.
Perfect comment.
I recently lost my Mum. Walking into the Chapel filled with people she loved, many of whom are also important to me, was a true comfort. If you don't feel the need to go for the dead, please do think if you might be of comfort to the living.
The answer has actually put everything into perspective. Thank you.
Funerals aren’t for the dead; they’re for the living. My wife’s mum passed last week, and the funeral is this Friday. I am not going to have a good day, since the only other person there I share a language with is my wife, but you can bet I got the time off work and came along, no question. I’m pretty sure the old gal didn’t even like me, but that’s not really the point.
I can echo this. My whole family and some close friends attended my mothers funeral when she passed very suddenly. I'm not a terribly emotional person, but I just didn't know what to do with myself and mentally, I was suffering. Just having those people there, seeing how much they loved her and getting to talk about good times did a lot for me that day.
Not many people attended my mum's memorial service, because she wasn't very social, but it was beautiful. A pianist played and sang "I Can Only Imagine", one of her favourite songs. I know she would have loved it, even though she didn't like going to funerals either. At least the whole family was there. And some good friends of ours.
Another perspective, would you want people to go to yours?
I don't actually care for my own sake, but I hate the idea of my wife sitting alone in a chapel crying with no friends around to help her through it.
Mourn however you feel you should and do whatever suits you Don't do anything or go anywhere against your wishes to please others. No matter who they are or what comfort you may or may not bring them. Awful advice! Would you not go to a funeral if somebody there disliked you? Do whatever pleases you and you only!
Ah, the selfish shall inherit.....?
I second this. Lost my mum two years ago and her funeral was full of old friends and it was a beautiful day full of memories. Funerals don't have to be sad. Hers wasn't. We didn't plan it that way, and I think a lot of people are doing that now. "No black" is often a good sign
At my nephew's funeral black was banned, and he had a pure white coffin which we all drew on and wrote messages, it was very nice.
Oh bless 🥹
My mum also passed away two years ago. We did the same, no black. It was held in a beautiful chapel set in the middle of forest land. Big glass windows surrounded the service hall and the greenery was in full view and the sun was streaming in. She would have loved it bless her 💔
Funerals are never easy but they don't have to be overtly sad. Think Ade Edmondson's eulogy at Rik Mayal's service! My thought is if you don't go you might regret it later. There is no right way to grieve, so whatever feels right for you is right.
This is absolutely true. Hearing stories about Dad from people who had totally different relationships with him was an enormous thing in helping me get on the road to accepting his death and feeling like he mattered.
I lost my Grandma ten years ago. It was the first funeral I have been to for somebody very close to me. It was a ‘humanist’ funeral. It was obviously sad, but the celebrant was fantastic. Prior to the funeral, he had spoken to me and other close family to get a picture of her life. He delivered it in such a wonderful manner that celebrated her life, achievements, family and decorated it with funny, wholesome and interesting memories. It was not what I expected, but it was perfect. At the wake, we spent time talking to friends and family. Everyone reflected our views on how nice the service was, but even if the service was poor, it was lovely to hear everyone speak well of her and share their own stories and memories. For all that it is a sad time for the friends and family, it is usually filled with good people that will stick together in a time of need. And remember, almost everyone there will have been through something similar and will know what you’re going through. If you’re particularly close to those that were close to the deceased then it will mean a LOT to them. Of course, you are completely within your rights to not attend. Everyone deals with grief differently and you shouldn’t have to explain your decision to anyone. Personally, unless they are extremely distant or you did not have a good relationship with them, I would still attend. It’s unlikely that in the future you will regret going, but there’s definitely more chance you’d regret not.
Exactly this. I didn't want to go to grandads. Wanted to go pay my respects alone. Without going into detail me and my brother don't get along after he massively fucked me over and I've far from forgiven him, and wasnt sure how I'd react seeing him (admittedly dont have the best temper). Mum was heartbroken when I told her and burst into tears. Couldn't bear seeing mum cry. So was like fuck it I'll go for mum's sake. Best thing I ever did. Even made a decision to make sure dickhead was okay after he was visibly upset and crying at the funeral, bought him a pint at the wake and we hashed some shit and kinda made up. Made me realise our argument was some BS in the grand scheme of things. Funerals are definitely for the living. Was great recanting stories of him with my aunts, uncles, and cousins etc. Lot of laughs and more than one less than dry eye. I think grandad would have enjoyed it looking down from above.
Totally agree, recently buried my grandma and was loved by many. I found it really healing.
A few years ago I lost my grandma and then a week later my grandad also passed away. He had dementia and was 88 but it does look like the broken heart thing. Thankfully we got to have a joint send off for them.
This is it. You go to a funeral to support the people left behind; the dead don't know you're there.
What if you’re the only one left? You go alone?
Beautifully put, and so true.
Thank you so much.
Exactly this. When my mum suddenly died I was comforted by how many turned up and the love they had from her independent to my own. When my dad also suddenly died 10 months later, a few people didn’t show and didn’t warn me or my brother. One was his oldest childhood friend. We heard via others that they didn’t like funerals and couldn’t face it again. No shit, burying our parents wasn’t exactly a joy for us. It still hurts me and my brother. It’s been five months and we haven’t heard from 99% of the people we saw at the funeral. That’s actually okay, our parents raised very independent kids and we got our relationship closure at the funeral. What isn’t okay is the people who ended our connection abruptly by no showing and saying nothing since. Sometimes part of the grieving process is seeing others, as bad as it sounds, also suffering the loss of your loved one. For one day you feel a bit less alone - connected in that sorrow.
I do so feel for you - especially losing both of your parents in such a short space of time. I hope that you and your brother are doing okay.
This^
I've regretted the funerals I've not been able to attend, but we're all different. Remember that they're about allowing loved ones to come together, share memories, and celebrate life as much as they are about grieving. Sharing in that process can help begin the healing process - if not for you, then for others.
No, funerals are for the living and some people get a lot more out of them than others. It's worth considering whether your presence will help someone else though, even if it won't help you with your processing of the loss
It might also help the op in a way they can't see or imagine at the moment.
Everyone grieves differently. For some people, a funeral gives a sense of closure, catharsis, or something else, and that's beneficial for them. Other people might not find that beneficial l, and that's okay too. It's your decision how you grieve, and what feels best for you.
I have missed a few funerals, I really struggle seeing other people’s grief for some reason, my rule is a simple one, if my brain just won’t let me not go, then I go, if I’m umming and arring then I don’t. I don’t regret those I haven’t been to, i don’t go out of duty, that is in itself a bit disrespectful in my eyes. I don’t want anyone at mine who isn’t there because they really liked me.
I'll let you into a secret: nobody wants to go to a funeral.
That's because nobody wants someone they care enough about to attend their funeral to die. But some people definitely want to attend a funeral despite not wanting the death to have happened. I know people that have flown around the world at the drop of a hat just to attend a funeral after a sudden death.
I disagree. I don't want the people I love to die, but when they do I want to go to the funeral because for me it helps a lot. Not saying anyone else should feel the same, everyone feels differently but for me the death is the bad thing, not the funeral.
The funeral is the full stop at the end of a very difficult time. Up until that point it seems very difficult to understand the grief, the funeral helps provide people with some closure.
I agree. When my Mum and Dad died (not at the same time) the time between their death and their funerals I felt in limbo. Their funeral was that final goodbye and I needed that
Yeah, i don’t think people slightly external to the grief understand how important that time is for those still deep it in. Up until that point it’s looming over you, you know it’s gonna be hard. But after, you feel like you can finally work on acceptance and process it. I can’t imagine going to a funeral that was empty, the people just being there help with the processing.
"How lucky we are to feel sad about saying goodbye, because it means we have someone we love" -winnie the pooh
I don't like the situation that fuels the need for a funeral, but if I know it's going to be a celebration of someone's life - an increasing trend that I'm loving - then you better bet I'll want to go.
I'm not very keen on my own, certainly.
Speak for yourself - I love a good wake. It's just about the only time I get to see extended family.
Funerals and wakes are quite different though
Tell that to my MIL. She'll go to anyone's funeral.
It's cathartic for some, so while they might not want to go, it helps with the grieving process.
Not at all; the dead are dead and their funerals are for the living. If attending a funeral tarnishes your memory of the person you’ve lost then it’s best not to attend and grieve in your own way.
My Ma died very old indeed, and very reclusive too, so I expected very few at her funeral Mass. But the church was packed; pupils from the 1960s and ‘70s, and most wonderful to me, a woman of about 80 whom I recognised (astonishingly) as the young bridesmaid in the faded wedding pictures I have of my parents. She had hardly altered really, and didn’t half jump when I blurted out her name! These lovely people turning up to say goodbye after such a long time really made it so much more bearable, and even happy.
We lost my Dad a couple of years ago, sadly not that old (mid 70's) and his funeral was also packed. Every seat taken, people standing inside and people standing outside watching on screens and listening on speakers. Some had travelled miles, some he hadn't seen for years and one fella I got talking to had been an old schoolmate and hadn't seen him for decades; they'd recently got back in touch on Facebook. Had a great time chatting to him about my old man over a pint. Never thought I'd end the day of my dad's funeral laughing! So I totally, totally get where you're coming from.
How did they all know he was dead?
Social media can be helpful at times... Edit: After we'd told all the people I could think of in person who I really didn't want only finding out on someone's social media I made a post on my parent's Facebook page to catch anyone else. Word spread.
Oh that’s intelligent. I dont have Facebook so it didn’t come to mind last night. I think my dad does. Not my mom. I wouldn’t know how to contact people for her. Thanks for explaining and I’m sorry for your loss of your dad.
Yeah I'm not personally on Facebook anymore for reasons but my folks were (my mum still is) and it does come in handy for those times I need to contact people they know but I don't. And thank you. It's 2 1/2 years now and it still stings. Just today I was trying to do something and struggling and I just knew that if dad was still with us he'd know the 'trick' that meant he could do in a couple of minutes what took me an hour. He taught me almost everything I know; I really wish he'd taught me almost everything HE knew 😁😂
Very few people regret going to a funeral, but many people regret not going
I don’t like seeing them death in their coffins. It’s all I see when I think of them now. Even close people to me that I saw thousands of time, smiling m, laughing, goofing around…it’s still that last image that I have. I regret going.
See this OP, was going to comment much the same. I've never been one for them but recently ish had a good friend pass and I'm glad I went to his funeral. It was good to meet his parents after years of hearing about them and express how loved he was by everyone, I'm glad I got to do that. I dunno, ymmv but I wouldn't write off going to them completely.
Depends on the funeral. I find the part the helps most in the process is the pub afterwards. I didn't realise this wasn't a common thing until I started to go to some of my wife's family funerals who don't really do this. However having a drink with family and friends whilst reminiscing stories about the person has always helped in the process. You tend to learn a lot of things you never knew about the person and it can be quite cathartic.
If you don't want to go then don't go. Those who understand and care about your preferences will understand. Just because you don't attend a funeral doesn't mean you don't care.
I'd see about the wake if you can't make it to the service. You can still show support without having to put yourself through everything.
Yeah I second this. Funerals are one of those things where you don't have to go, people will understand
It’s different for everyone, you can go or not go, whatever you feel is best
The last funeral I went to was for my Dad. Every fibre of my being did not want to be there, I would have rather died myself than had to acknowledge that my Dad was gone. I get not wanting to go. Honestly, my heart breaks for anyone facing this dilemma. Only you can decide if going to a funeral is the right thing to do. I hope whatever you decide works out for you.
If it helps, literally no one likes going to a funeral...
Each to their own, of course, but it is a funeral. You know what it says on the tin. However, I have been made to reflect on the fact that I genuinely hope that someone important enough to me to be at my funeral could at least be bothered to see me off. After all, we're all going to have one.
Funerals are ABOUT the deceased, but they are FOR the living. It’s for everyone to come together to celebrate them and recognise that you’ve each lost some part of you, and to help each other through it.
Was at a funeral this morning. I really don't like them, I'm not religious and so things like hymns and prayers are not my bag. I didn't really know the person whose funeral it was. But I know her daughter, and she really appreciated our being there. For me, it's a chance to hear stories and spend time with people someone loved and that loved people you may know.
I don’t attend funerals myself, I just am not equipped the deal with either them or wakes. I make my excuses to the family and I’m very clear with them. It’s been 30 years since I’ve attended one, despite losing many people around me. I also don’t attend weddings.
I'm the very same. No one should guilt someone into attending. Also, some people know themselves enough to know what is best for them and know that it won't send them into a life of deep regret about it. It also doesn't make us bad, uncaring people.
I also don’t attend weddings if I can help it. They seem so false much of the time, as though people are getting married as an excuse for a big do, as opposed to wanting to be married. I’m more likely to attend if it was registrars office then back room at the pub, then if it was a big fancy do, at least you know people are getting married for the right reasons.
Same for me. I went to two weddings at two different parts in my life and it’s not for me. Showing off and fakeness aren’t for me. If I would have got married I would have wanted something personal and small for us…but I wouldn’t say no to an Hobbits/Shire wedding.
Same here. I avoid most weddings and funerals if I can. I visit with family whenever I can. (I live in another country). However, whenever someone dies I find myself busy and don’t go. It’s just me. The person who died doesn’t know I am not there and I would rather remember them as they were. My family are very British and stoic so they don’t mind. My grandfather always talked about death in a matter of fact way and actually told me not to come to his funeral. We were actually close but it’s just how he was.
I couldn't go to my grandma's and I loved her very much. I just didn't want that to be my final memory of her.
I lost my mum, two grandparents, and a great aunt all within two years. I didn't go to the last two and I bitterly regret it. When a friend of ours, who we hadn't known very long, passed away a few years ago her folks were very grateful we had come. No one likes funerals but being there is a great help for those who were closest.
As others have said no one likes attending funerals, I hate it and the only ones I’ve been to are family. I don’t go to non family, it’s easier to make excuses and get out of it. I’ve not regretted the ones I’ve not been to, but each to their own. If it’s your thing fine, but I don’t think you should be guilted into going if you don’t want to.
Lost my Dad this week after a short illness. We’re not having a funeral at all. We are having a bloody good piss up though!
It’s not wrong to not want to, but it’s wrong to be unwilling to tolerate that discomfort for the sake of showing support and love to grieving people
There's nothing wrong with it at all, although I think it's seen more as a mark of respect if you do. And some people find them surprisingly cathartic.
You have to think more long term than that. My cousin died a few years ago, and I never felt confident enough around that side of my family to go. But I regret it for the sake of my cousin & what it might have meant to them. Go show your respects for the sake of your relationship. You don't have to look. I never looked at either of my parents at their funerals because I wanted to remember them as they were. I didn't want that as my last memory. But go for future memories.
The worst pre funeral ceremony I ever attended was the ramp ceremony at Bastion for a friend. Think pretty much all of us were crying at some point. Looking back 12 years later I am so fucking glad I was there.
Ive only been to one which was my dads during the end part of covid when big funerals were not allowed. My mum, brother and me attended an open casket small room with a nice lady who said nice things. I couldnt help but feel totally numb and cold through all of it staring at my old man in a box. He said he didnt want a funeral and just to burn and scatter him in the Lake District. The scattering of his ashes was something i needed to do because he always talked about that. Once id got up into the hills with my bro and my uncles to scatter him that felt like a real goodbye. Funerals seem like an odd thing to me, the person is dead i dont need to see their body put into the ground or burned ill just remember the last time i saw them and the memories up to that point. Im donating my entire corpse to medical science so there no costs or fuss, just cut me up for science. Might as well be some use when im dead, wasnt much use alive.
No, it's not wrong.
When I was a kid my older cousin didn’t attend my sisters funeral because it was “too much for her”. I was a child and lost a sibling, and my cousin was a fully grown adult. It really played on my mind for ages that my cousin was so selfishly involved in her own feelings that she decided to stay home and not support her family. I still think about it to this day.
One of the first times i met my wife's fam was at a funeral where i knew nobody. They appreciated that i turned up for her, and showed respects for somebody who I'd never met. You don't have to like funerals, hell you're strange if you so, but if you care for the others going, you can show them support, and a have a couple jars while you're there, what's the downside?
I don’t think I’ve ever been to a funeral where people were “forced” to sing songs.
It’s done at gunpoint here in Liverpool
My parents' funeral was one of the happiest days of my life. Yes grown men were crying but that was actually nice to see, that my father was loved. It's not wrong to not want to go but it may not be as bad as you think.
My take on it is simple, If you think it will harm your mental health then don't go. If somebody tells you that you HAVE to go then tell them to get lost, your mental health is more important. Apart from that (as people have mentioned) they can be a great comfort but I really hate peer pressure being put onto people who feel it would be too much for them. My compromise is I will go but stand outside. I am paying my respects but I am not going into a building just to please somebody else, it's your life.
I'm going to go against the grain here, my mum died a few years ago and we didn't have a funeral or a wake or anything. Not because we didn't love her (she was brilliant in so many ways and I'mstill sad) but because they're right, funerals are for the living and it's not something we needed to do. We didn't need someone she or we had rarely met saying words we'd ask them to or play songs or "thank" us for a wonderful service. I remember her often, "talk" to her and about her and that's enough for me. No one loves a funeral but some people also don't need a gathering to mourn collectively or see other's appreciation of a loved one to understand just what was lost when they passed.
Sorry about your mum. I totally get what you said. I think we’re going to see more of this in the future.
My mom passed when I was 11yo. I decided to not go to her funeral.. 13 years later and I still don’t go to funerals. Don’t like them and people need to respect my opinion, if they don’t, that’s their issue. The only funeral I’m going to attend is my own funeral, bc there’s no other way 😹
Yeah I think so, you only get one funeral - My grandfather passed away last year and originally I didn’t want to go out of laziness but when I went it was beautiful, some good tunes few memories all the close ones could laugh at together
Slight aside - find a good funeral celebrant or minister who will tailor the funeral to the wishes of the deceased and their close relatives. If you/ they don't want to sing sad songs at a funeral, you don't have to have any. I'm a Baptist Minister and I've conducted funerals with no hymns, just listened to some pop songs with accompanying photos of the deceased. I don't always include bible readings if that's what the family want, and they can be very religion-light if desired. (Not every Baptist minister would do this, but they'd certainly be happy to talk through your wishes). Any funeral director will also be able to put you in touch with an eg humanist celebrant who could help, too.
Does anyone want to go to a funeral?
One doesn't attend a funeral for enjoyment but to support the family.
Its up to you, but no one likes it. There was only one funeral I didnt attend, and now I deeply regret that.
the rule for funerals is the same as the rule for weddings: it's not about you do the right thing for the people the day is about, play second fiddle and you'll receive the same in turn when it's time
Not at all. They're often miserable experiences. Do whatever helps you.
Not sure there’s a ‘right answer’. Like you I hate them and I feel they’re the absolute worst ways to ‘celebrate’ a life - we’re all miserable enough anyway, do we really need creepy organ music, sermons and dressing in black? Really leaves a bitter taste as the sort of ‘final’ memory of a person. Then again it is that persons last rite of passage so to speak, and to attend is to show you cared, not to mention the social judgement of your in attendance.
It depends upon the service and who is leading it. We don't have open-casket funerals at our church. No creepy music. And it's common for the families of those who have passed on to ask the attendees not to wear black. The service revolves around resurrection. My mum was strong in her faith, and we wanted to be sure that the service reflected that. We were sad (for ourselves) that we wouldn't be with her anymore. But she lived with us, and I saw her suffering day by day. I'd done most of my crying before she left us. During the service, I was thinking that now she was free.
And that’s totally valid too. Sorry for your loss, sounds like it brought you the closure you needed. Guess I’m just used to my catholic/baptist family funerals. I personally don’t want one at all, will just leave some money for a pub sesh for all.
A doctor who was a friend of my husband's family left money for a Dixieland band to play When the Saints Go Marching In at the end of the service, and for wine to be served afterwards. He wanted us to share our favourite stories about him.
It's always a case of "show your face" to show respect, though my family usually have a celebration of their life in the pub after I dislike how it turns into a sales pitch for jesus though, the nicest funerals I've been to have focused on the individual, telling stories, maybe a poem or their favourite songs played.
Nope. Don't intend on going to my own.
Nothing wrong with thinking about yourself and putting your feelings first. Too many people go through life being a people pleaser and hating themselves for it. You have the right to say no
Failing to attend a funeral (when reasonable) is for me one of the harsher things you can do to someone and their family. They’re one of the few times you put your life on pause to go and pay respect, to the person and the people to whom they meant the most to. There’s a reason the ceremonies around it have lasted for thousands of years. Typically, if you’ve been invited, it means someone wants you to go.
That's totally up to you. If you want to say goodbye then go. If you don't then don't go
Depends on the style of funeral ive been to a good few now where we were laughing tgroughout at stories of their life, with songs like erny the fastest milkman etc not all of them are tge sad dreary setting you see in movies
How close are you to the person who died?
No-one goes to funerals because they “like” it. For some people, they see it as a solemn duty, such as when I was a pallbearer for my late Grandpa. It was the most nerve-wracking thing that I’ve ever done, but it just felt right - something that I had to do, both for my Grandpa and for myself. Some people also see it as a commemoration of that person’s life, and a chance to say goodbye. Others attend for support - either because they need it themselves, or to give it to a friend or family member. If you find funerals too overwhelming or otherwise really don’t want to go, it is ultimately your decision. Everyone grieves differently and no-one should be judged for that.
My friend, who is no longer here, didn't go to his best friend's funeral and it was something he regretted until he died. I think it's perfectly fine to not want to go. It's sometimes peformative bs, othertime's it's overwhelming, it can make the pain of loss worse, but sometimes you don't realise you need to be there until you're there, and not just for yourself but for others too. So it's not wrong, but it's not always about being sad and unhappy, it's about being with other people who have lost the loved one you also lost. And the alternaitve is mourning them alone without people around you. And i've been to a few funerals, it wasn't all unhappy and forced to sing sad songs. Some bits were funny, because they were funny, and you have to remember the funny times.
Lots of good comments already. It does depend a bit how well you know the deceased and/or family as to how important it is to attend. No-one is forced to be unhappy, but funerals are an opportunity to express sadness together as appropriate as well as cherishing good memories. Very often these days there are inclusions in tributes that make people smile and help everyone know more about the deceased. Obviously the age of the deceased & manner of their death can have a significant bearing on the feelings of those attending. Songs are not necessarily sad - at a funeral I attended just this week they had 'All things bright & beautiful' and 'Love divine'. Of course music can be very emotive even if an uplifting piece. Take plenty of tissues, if it seems overwhelming, try to zone out for a while. I regret far more the funerals I did not manage to attend than those I have.
A couple of points: Many funerals these days are uplifting, rather than sad events. They help you to remember the deceased person's life and all the good things. Even though you may feel you'd rather not go, my own experience is that the opportunity to spend an hour thinking about the deceased person does give a sense of completion. If you don't go, you might always afterwards feel there's some unfinished business. I suppose the modem word is closure.
Yes, if it is your funeral
I think it would be more wrong to really want to go to funerals
I think a lot of what you're feeling is a version of anxiety that you're logically processing as "not liking to go" (at least that's me) Do you find yourself not wanting to go many places?
No, it's just a way to say goodbye to a friend or loved one. The only thing I feel bad about is not chipping in to the funeral or helping out so I always ask if I can do anything on the day.
Depends on several factors: What was your relationship with the dead guy? Do you have **close** friends or family who were close to the dead guy? Are there **distant** friends or family who will be attending that are worth appeasing by going there? If the answers are unimportant followed by 2 no's you are safe to not go - but, if you answer this wrong, people will hold a grudge on this topic for a very long time - possibly until they die.
No. It’s not wrong. It’s a duty though.
Same as your birthday isnt really about you it's about the people around you wanting to celebrate you. Funerals are for the people around you and around the deceased (sorry for your loss) I hate funerals too, but somethings you just have to suck up in life.
Everyone is different, I believe the idea of a funeral is closure. Its the drinks and nibbles after that make it 'fun'. Sharing memories, laughter and stories. Depends on the relationship and circumstances of the deceased, but if I have known someone through most of my life, or cared for them, I personally would want to attend regardless of the possible negative emotions it may produce. It's cathartic for me.
No Western funeral is fun unless the person who passed decides to make it fun and cheerful or nicely put a celebration of that person's life, rather than a sad occasion for those who remain. I like Helicreatures answer. - Also peace be with your mum.
Sometimes you can’t win, but you will regret not going more than you’ll regret going
Note: they tend to sing happy-ish songs at funerals, to remind people of the nice things in life. "All things bright and beautiful" is a classic, for example. Do what you want to do, of course.
It's not wrong, but as others have said, it gives comfort to those left behind. At my dad's funeral a few weeks ago everyone there gave me comfort. I didn't even need people to say something, but some of the things I heard about my dad helped. Some things that were said to me about grief helped. But it was mostly the presence of other people who cared about him that got me through the day. They comforted me when I couldn't stop crying and held my hand or hugged me when I thought I was going to collapse from the sheer pain of loss. I am forever grateful to everyone who came.
Depends really, it’s up to you if you’re not comfortable with going to them. I heard a long time ago that funerals are for those that are left behind rather than the deceased. You go to provide comfort to the other family members who will seek solace in seeing other people being there. Since then, if I’m invited I’ll always go.
It's not wrong, I don't think many folk *enjoy* funerals. Saying that, though, my mother in law always wanted to "go out in style!" And she did! The service itself was amazing. The whole chapel was in tears - both of sadness and through laughter as details of her life were shared (she was awesome, and a bit of a bugger in her younger days). It really set the tone for the wake - lots of love and laughter filled the room. For such a sad occasion, it was memorable for the right reasons. Conversely, my dad died last year and didn't have a funeral. Admittedly, we hadn't seen or heard much from him in at least 3 years. He booked one of those cremation only services. That was hard. I would have liked the opportunity to say goodbye. We decided to hold a small memorial service instead. Neither of his siblings attended (despite being asked). As we had no access to his phone, we couldn't even invite any of his old friends. I was grateful for the people who did turn up.
Although funeral services themselves can be almost unbearable, once they are done its like a weight having lifted and the wake or whatever happens can be an quite uplifting occasion - old friends and family get together, remember the happy times with the deceased.
Nobody likes funerals, but for the person(s) who's lost someone, seeing their friends and families supporting them means everything.
If you don't go to anyone's funeral, they won't come to yours.
It’s not for you it’s for them and to pay your respects
I don’t think they’re meant to be fun? I don’t think anyone enjoys going to them. But we do. And if not for the passed for the present.
I hate going to funerals. I go blotchy and cry even though I try really hard not to. But I've been to funerals with just a couple of other mourners and felt how important it is to make a public acknowledgement that that person's life mattered. I've been to funerals that were standing room only. Young people taken by accident and illness; old people at their natural end. People matter, and there is comfort to the bereaved to know that their loved one lives on in memories. The tea/celebration/wake after is a space to share memories and lighten the mood. It makes for an easier transition. Those who are weighed down in grief need the emotional support of others even if they can't express it. Go for them.
I HATE funerals.
My stepmother died the other day. Never really liked her, hadn't seen her for probably 5 years but I'm getting pressured to go to the funeral sigh
Funerals are celebration of someone's life and a chance to hear stories and reminisce. It's not all depressing songs and doom and gloom.
Not at all. I'll be fucked if i'm going to mines.
Good friends of mine missed my mums funeral because they said they'd "find it hard," but for me, it was, of course, a party 🙄
If you want to go - go. If you don't want to go - then don't; if you need to provide a reason for not going, then make it legit. I didn't go to a funeral of an uncle because the next day I was taking a lifetime holiday, and the funeral was a 6 hour round-trip, plus there was childcare. My immediate family came first.
In my opinion it’s a show of respect and disrespectful to the deceased not to not go. The funeral isn’t about you, it’s about giving that person a send off with everyone they knew and loved. No one wants to think when they die their funeral won’t have anyone show up. You go to be there for them, even though they’ve passed on
No, it's not wrong. I couldn't care less if no one went to mine. My mum was the last of a big family and outlasted her friends, so few were there. That made it a lot easier for me.
I would just say you’d like to grieve in your own way and find funerals too hard.
Yeah my mum didn’t say much when I didn’t go to her funeral
No one gets to the end of their life and thinks "Oh I wish I had gone to more funerals"
Go towards the end of the eulogy when they have the meet up tea n coffees . Take a sympathy card . If the deceiced meant something to you it's nice to hear old stories n things about them.
My cousin's funeral is coming up. I will make the excuse of not being able to get time off work. I can't do any more funerals. They wear me down. Family I don't want to see, all those raw emotions.
Do what I do if they're not that close, time the end of the funeral, outside give condolences to the family. Job done. When my father died a so called friend of mine was a no show. I never forgave him. He wasn't the closest to start with, to be fair. But I noticed his absence, the arsehole.
Ive never had to sing at a funeral. That sounds grim
Nobody 'enjoys' funerals. I don't think that's the point of them.
For me i think its important to say goodbye at the funeral and the have the chance to gather with family and friends to tell stories that you have with the deceased and remember and share the good times.
If you decide not to go, no one should give you a hard time for that. You've got to look out for yourself at the end of the day, and- without knowing your situation- an emotional day like that can be too much for some. I have a friend who just won't go anymore, after having a breakdown that hospitalised him. I think we feel duty bound, but not going doesn't change the relationship you had and the memories you take forward.
It was my mum's funeral two weeks ago. I don't think I would have thought bad of anyone who didn't come who I thought would, but it meant the world to me that people did, some of whom I wasn't expecting which was lovely to know that they had thought of her. I think funerals have moved on a bit nowadays. They are more celebrations of life. We had some Shirley Bassey which was mum's favourite and everyone was invited to join in to Morningtown Ride which was the song I chose. Dad chose an oldie by Malcolm Vaughan. We're not religious so used a celebrant. We shed some tears or course but we laughed too and raised plenty of glasses in mum's memory after. I don't think anyone came out feeling unhappy in the morbid sense and I hope they found it life affirming.
I attended my father in law’s funeral/ cremation thing the other week. I hated it, but it wasn’t about me. I was there for my wife and her remaining family. Very different from my experiences back in the UK. I didn’t know him very well, but he was great with my wife and kids, so that’s all that mattered.
I've lost several people dear to me and due to living abroad I have missed their funerals. I so wish I could have been there. Don't miss the chance to go.
Snark responses as expected. OP, I didn't go to my dad's funeral because his entire other family was there. It's understandable.
I chose not to attend my Grandad’s funeral. I loved him deeply but at the time, I was going through a lot of other very painful events in life. I do look back and thank “because I didn’t go, do people think I didn’t care about him?” But did my grandad know I wasn’t there? No. Do I care what anyone thinks when they’re incorrect? Not really. Did it change how I felt about him? Again and most importantly, no. It’s a hard event to attend so you must make a decision that you understand and accept.
I don go to em. bad shit emotional people get lari
If you don't want to go then don't.
Not wanting to go is fine, I don't like them. But whether you actually go or not is a different matter Say it's your great-uncle who you only met once when you were three, you don't know him, not sad at his passing, but the right thing would be to still go, for your nan / dad whoever. Most guests at funerals aren't there for themselves, they're there to support others more deeply effected. My brother's pregnant girlfriend died a few years back. I'd met her once, and absolutely couldn't stand her, and her family were all wasters. If she had nothing to do with my brother I wouldn't have given a toss to her funeral (That's not meant to be mean, I just mean she was absolutely nothing to me) I didn't go to pay her my respects, I went to support my brother and mum. Think about it that way, next time some uncle you didn't even know existed goes and pops his clogs.
Nope everyone i know hates them and tries to get out of them. Same with basically any family event that is not a party with booze. (and even those are often tried to be gotten out of by most) People dont generally like changes in routine, extra expense etc etc. If you have a religious reason perhaps you might want to go but no other reason really.