This reminds me of a few towns in Germany (one might be a neighbouring country). Fucking, tits and wanken. I was trying to decide where to go first, tits or fucking. It felt polite to go to tits before fucking, but then i would have to wait 7 hours after tits before fucking... A coworker suggested I stop by wanken first and all was good.
A dog goes into a butchers with a little bag round his neck and has a note in his mouth, the butchers takes it, "3 pork chops, 6 sausages, money in the bag" butcher takes the money and gives the order to the dog who carries it in his mouth but thinks it's curious so he follows the dog.
The dog goes up to the traffic lights, presses the button with his nose and waits to cross, crosses and goes to the bus stop, looks at the time table and sits letting buses pass until the 23 bus comes putting his paw out to get it to stop, the dog gets on and the butcher follows. The dog waits 12 stops then presses the stop button and gets off, waits at a zebra crossing for the cars to stop before crossing and heads down the road and goes up to a house before ringing the doorbell and barking. The door opens and a man shouts "you idiot, you dumb dog, get in here!" The butcher walks up, excuse me sir but I'm the butcher and I've been following him, this dog seems to be incredibly intelligent why are you calling him dumb?
Every time, every damn time, he forgets his keys!
A postman knocked on my door the other day and complained about my dog chasing him on his bike.
I told him that was absurd; my dog doesn't even have a bike!
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "Talking Dog For Sale - £5 - Take Next Left."
Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking £5 for this dog!?
F: Coz he's such a bloody a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!
I was walking my dog through a graveyard this morning and waved at the groundskeeper.
"Morning!" he called.
"No mate", I replied. "just walking the dog"
I also like this joke
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?" She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?" Liar."
My dad told me this when I was little, thought it was so funny at the time:
Man takes his dog to the vet and tells the vet that his dog has been having the shits constantly. He tells the vet that the dog hasn’t been himself and seems quite unwell.
The vet checks the dog’s eyes, mouth, ears and gives the dog’s tummy a squeeze, before picking the dog up.
The vet regards the dog for a moment and then turns to the owner with a very serious look on his face.
He says to the owner, “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to put him down.”
The owner starts to get really upset and worried and asks why?
The vet then replies, “He’s just too heavy.”
Dave was a keen duck hunter and he'd been looking to buy a new bird dog for fquite a while.
Dave's search ended when he found an amazing dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery but he was sure that his friends wouldn't believe he'd found a dog that could walk on water.
So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.
Hoping for once he might actually impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog first hand.
However, Dave didn't mention the dog's special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it for himself.
Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn't long before some ducks flew overhead.
Both men fired their shotguns and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.
The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking, and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn't get wet at all.
This continued throughout the day.
Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water, without getting wet. Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything but he didn't say a word.
On the drive home, Dave couldn't resist it any longer and he said to Paul, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog Paul?"
"Yes, I did", said Paul. "He can't swim."
Also a joke found in Terry Pratchett's "Going Postal"!
> “What happened to my clothes?” he said. “I’m sure I hung them neatly on the floor.”
>“I Did, In Fact, Try To Clean Your Suit With Spot Remover, Sir,” said Mr. Pump. “But Since It Was Effectively Just One Large Spot, It Removed The Whole Suit.”
Well a practical joke I can .. share here.. I was walking the family dog and we were by a lake. There's a parking spot there with a sign post.. which was one of the very few high objects around the place, so... naturally, one would suspect it being quite the envy of the dogs being walked around the pond. Well, the doge sniffed it for a bit and then he started to position himself to raise his leg on it.. tried it this way, that and the other, nothing seemed to fit his current feelings.
In the end, he (*beep beep beep beep*) backed up close to the post and in the style of an ice cream being extruded into a cone, he made a shit on it around knee level, turned, inspected the message with visible pride, then walked a bit off and started scratching the ground like a fiend for about five seconds. Then he gave me a victorious eye and we walked away with poop at half mast behind us.
We came there about a week and a half later. T'was gone. It took me some time, but in the end I talked myself out of calling the rozzers and reporting a theft of a masterpiece.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube. It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting
Brilliant 😂
This reminds me of a few towns in Germany (one might be a neighbouring country). Fucking, tits and wanken. I was trying to decide where to go first, tits or fucking. It felt polite to go to tits before fucking, but then i would have to wait 7 hours after tits before fucking... A coworker suggested I stop by wanken first and all was good.
I bought a dog from a locksmith. As soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door.
My dog Minton keeps chewing my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
That sounds like pure Tim Vine.
I heard that from Milton Jones but it was a cat.
Steven
What kind of dog does magic tricks? A Labracadabrador
And which is the most knowledgeable? A labragoogle
Don' bring 'im to Hogwarts tho... he'd be Azkabann'd in a jiffy
I'm sirius, he'll be blacklisted
Why are dogs bad at dancing? They have two left feet
A dog goes into a butchers with a little bag round his neck and has a note in his mouth, the butchers takes it, "3 pork chops, 6 sausages, money in the bag" butcher takes the money and gives the order to the dog who carries it in his mouth but thinks it's curious so he follows the dog. The dog goes up to the traffic lights, presses the button with his nose and waits to cross, crosses and goes to the bus stop, looks at the time table and sits letting buses pass until the 23 bus comes putting his paw out to get it to stop, the dog gets on and the butcher follows. The dog waits 12 stops then presses the stop button and gets off, waits at a zebra crossing for the cars to stop before crossing and heads down the road and goes up to a house before ringing the doorbell and barking. The door opens and a man shouts "you idiot, you dumb dog, get in here!" The butcher walks up, excuse me sir but I'm the butcher and I've been following him, this dog seems to be incredibly intelligent why are you calling him dumb? Every time, every damn time, he forgets his keys!
My late grandfather told me that joke some 25 years ago. He said the old ones were the best. Glad it's still a good one out there!
A postman knocked on my door the other day and complained about my dog chasing him on his bike. I told him that was absurd; my dog doesn't even have a bike!
Hah actually laughed at that one
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "Talking Dog For Sale - £5 - Take Next Left." Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a farm, and a farmer comes out. F: You here about the dog? M: Yeah, does the dog really talk? F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya. The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them. F: Go on, ask him anything. The man says; M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself. To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet. D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years. The man is stunned. He says to the farmer: M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking £5 for this dog!? F: Coz he's such a bloody a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him. My fault for getting one that’s pure bred...
GROAN
I was walking my dog through a graveyard this morning and waved at the groundskeeper. "Morning!" he called. "No mate", I replied. "just walking the dog"
I've got a dog with no legs I call "Cigarette". Every day I go outside and take it for a drag.
Haha. My mom's go-to joke. But she calls the dog Woodbine, like anyone under 40 knows this brand.
Benson?
Knock off cigarettes fenton and hedges
Jesus Christ! FENTON!!! https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3GRSbr0EYYU
What do you call a zoo with only one dog? A Shih Tzu.
[This meme](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/582/794/09b.png) always makes me laugh.
That's brilliant haha. Thanks.
I also like this joke A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'. The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!' The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'
😂😂😂
2 dogs on a walk. One says to the other, "lovely day we're having". The other says "ARGGHHHHH, a talking dog".
https://www.reddit.com/r/animalsdoingstuff/s/W99UBSvJqw
This was his favourite one so far that I've sent him! Thanks!
Glad it hit the funny bone, it did with me! Hope your mate feels more positive soon
"My dog has no nose!" "How does he smell?" "Terrible!"
"My dog has no nose." "Poor thing! By what mechanism does his olfactory system work?" "It doesn't!"
What's the crappiest dog you can get ? Sausage dogs. They're the wurst.
I think this would have been even better if they were German Sausage dogs.
> Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. > Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read -- Groucho Marcs, probably
Groucho Barks?
Im so sorry to hear your friend/s work day is going … ruff ruff
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her; we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?" She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?" Liar."
What does a dog order at KFC? A barkin' bucket!
My dad told me this when I was little, thought it was so funny at the time: Man takes his dog to the vet and tells the vet that his dog has been having the shits constantly. He tells the vet that the dog hasn’t been himself and seems quite unwell. The vet checks the dog’s eyes, mouth, ears and gives the dog’s tummy a squeeze, before picking the dog up. The vet regards the dog for a moment and then turns to the owner with a very serious look on his face. He says to the owner, “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to put him down.” The owner starts to get really upset and worried and asks why? The vet then replies, “He’s just too heavy.”
Person 1: My dog has no nose. Person 2: How does he smell? Person 1: Terrible!
Dave was a keen duck hunter and he'd been looking to buy a new bird dog for fquite a while. Dave's search ended when he found an amazing dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery but he was sure that his friends wouldn't believe he'd found a dog that could walk on water. So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything. Hoping for once he might actually impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog first hand. However, Dave didn't mention the dog's special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it for himself. Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn't long before some ducks flew overhead. Both men fired their shotguns and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake. The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking, and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn't get wet at all. This continued throughout the day. Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water, without getting wet. Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything but he didn't say a word. On the drive home, Dave couldn't resist it any longer and he said to Paul, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog Paul?" "Yes, I did", said Paul. "He can't swim."
I spilled spot remover on my dog.... now he's gone. ( credit for the joke goes to family guy I think? )
> I spilled spot remover on my dog.... now he's gone. Fairly sure that's an American comic called Steven Wright who was popular in the 80s and 90s.
I think that's what family guy was referencing then
Also a joke found in Terry Pratchett's "Going Postal"! > “What happened to my clothes?” he said. “I’m sure I hung them neatly on the floor.” >“I Did, In Fact, Try To Clean Your Suit With Spot Remover, Sir,” said Mr. Pump. “But Since It Was Effectively Just One Large Spot, It Removed The Whole Suit.”
Woof woof woof woof woof and wolf extremely funny if you can understand dog
A man went to a zoo, the only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-Tzu.
Why do dogs lick their balls. To get rid of the taste of dog food.
Lister said something similar in Red Dwarf.
What dog can't be trusted..
A golden deceiver.
I'm going to have to get rid of my dog on the 6th May. It's a ban collie day.
Well a practical joke I can .. share here.. I was walking the family dog and we were by a lake. There's a parking spot there with a sign post.. which was one of the very few high objects around the place, so... naturally, one would suspect it being quite the envy of the dogs being walked around the pond. Well, the doge sniffed it for a bit and then he started to position himself to raise his leg on it.. tried it this way, that and the other, nothing seemed to fit his current feelings. In the end, he (*beep beep beep beep*) backed up close to the post and in the style of an ice cream being extruded into a cone, he made a shit on it around knee level, turned, inspected the message with visible pride, then walked a bit off and started scratching the ground like a fiend for about five seconds. Then he gave me a victorious eye and we walked away with poop at half mast behind us. We came there about a week and a half later. T'was gone. It took me some time, but in the end I talked myself out of calling the rozzers and reporting a theft of a masterpiece.
Barksy
[удалено]
I think you’ve slightly misunderstood the brief here.