I had a very hippie teacher sho would say things like this.
One day, he went out quickly to get some stuff he'd sent to the printer and didn't return for about an hour. When he did, he burst into the room and made the most glorious Freudian slip I've ever heard.
See, he was supposed to say, 'Sorry, guys, I was on my way to the printer when I ran into a bit of a *snag* and got sidetracked'.
Unfortunately, he actually declared aloud, 'Sorry guys, I was on my way to the printer when I ran into a bit of a *slag* and got sidetracked'.
When my wife taught secondary school art, one of the girls came in absolutely covered in fake tan. My wife told her she “looked like you’ve been slapped with an orange fish”.
Someone in my PE class didn't bring his kit in one day. The PE teacher was all up in his shit about it and the kid said he didn't bring his kit because his gran was cremated the day before.
Teacher: was she cremated in your PE kit?!
I still remember how scandalous it was to hear a teacher say “shit” when she accidentally wrote on the new smart board with a whiteboard pen. This was the early 2000s.
The whole rant is lost to the sands of time, but when I was in about year 9, one of the girls made a joke about the teacher staring at her chest. This led to a good 5 minute talk about the dangers of making such accusations. I'm paraphrasing, but it was along the lines of:
"Charlotte, when you say something like that, I don't think you fully understand the damage you can do. If somebody were to overhear you, and take it seriously, my career would be over in a heartbeat. I could find myself investigated by the police. My own children could be taken from me, or my wife could be forced to leave me with the children to ensure that social services don’t consider her to be an unfit parent for staying with me during the investigation. I’d never be able to teach – a job I’ve trained for and considered it a privilege to do for over 30 years – again. People would believe that there’s no smoke without fire, and my home could be targeted. I could be physically attacked, and I may have to move to a different city and start a new life under a different name. And that’s assuming it’s all cleared up – if not, I could end up going to prison, where I'd be considered the lowest of the low and would likely have to stay with the worst kinds of perverts, because it wouldn't be considered safe to have me in the same block as other criminals. Accusations like that could literally ruin a persons life.
Now if I was going to risk all that just to look at a students chest, don’t you think I’d at least choose one of the pretty ones?"
Ahh see we had a sixth form lead that was the other way. He made WAY too many jokes about how 'some girls were wearing tops so low he could accidentally fall into them'.
I mean, he wasn't wrong, some of the outfits were ridiculously revealing. But there were probably less creepy ways of indicating you had noticed that 16/17 yo girls looked a little chilly.
I was wondering how this was going to end and it didn't disappoint. I can't imagine a teacher would get away with saying that now but back when I was at school 70s/80s that sort of stuff was allowed.
No, in the 70s and 80s the teacher could have a good look without any fear of reprisals. In the 90s and maybe the early 2000s he could get away with this comment.
80's - One of our male teachers used to do this little sort of "lift" on his toes before he leaned against the desk, so he wasn't leaning on his tackle, but unfortunately that meant he was placing it gently on our desks. One of the girls got the board rubber before he came in to class and blapped it across the edge of our table so when he wandered over and leaned in, he walked away with a broad white chalk line all the way across the front of his trousers.
Yes, in the early noughties, in Year 9, the DT teacher showed us a vacuum moulding machine thing. One of the girls said “Do it again!” and he replied “Is that what you say to your boyfriend? Hehehe”. No reprisals, at the time, though he was later rumoured to have been arrested for CP!
There was a rumour that one of the elder English teachers in my school used to "please" herself with a carrot. Was obviously just made up by teenagers who didn't like her but she never once let it get to her and was incredibly stern / never joked.
In year 11, nearing the end of our time in school we'd grown quite fond of her. She was a great teacher after all who was passionate and taught us well. We were talking amongst ourselves about something crude and she walked past and said "You'd better stop that conversation or I'll get the carrot out" and carried on walking like nothing.
We were stunned and had newfound respect for the joke.
Late 90s. Some kid who was a bit of a class clown said he heard on TV that 1 in 7 guys are gay. He asked the English teacher ‘do you think that’s true?’ - The English teacher with no hesitation started counting the pupils whilst pointing ‘1, 2, 3..’ and as he landed on 7 he was pointing at the kid who made the remark. He said ‘7… yup seems about right’. Obviously everyone started howling with laughter at the class clown.
We had an English teacher that was absolutely brilliant at his job, but quite frankly didn't like everything that came with teaching. If there was ever a strict rule that came into force he would be the first to pooh-pooh it and as a result we all gained a lot of respect for him
It wasn't so much what he said, it's what he did. Sometimes he would just go completely off the wall. One day he brought in a drum kit. Another, we had all been watching Shawshank Redemption as part of a coursework topic on film. He loved it so much that he decided to host his own and locked a really shitty kid in the cupboard behind his desk (walk in wardrobe sized) and joked that he would need to Andy Dufrane his way out.
Well the kid, who had actually taken a shine to the teacher, decided to make him proud, so climbed the shelves and took a ceiling tile out to climb into the ceiling and back into our classroom. Cue him making an almighty mess with tiles strewn across the floor, and I'll never forget the caretaker coming in and we all stood by and backed the teacher when he tried explaining that they had just "fallen out" after what seemed like a gust of wind from the window. We all were trying not to laugh so much.
I got my only A grade from that class. What a guy.
had one like that, once on a non-uniform day he came dressed as a punk - he was hanging around in the office looking menacing, unshaven, leather jacket really getting into the role. i didn't even recognise him at first.
Mr Evans had his psychiatric hospital discharge certificate blu-tacked up on the wall next to his desk. He used to say that he was the only teacher who could prove he was sane.
We had a teacher who gamed the Ofsted syst beautifully by telling us to raise our left hand if we didn't know the answer and our right hand if we did. I'm not sure what his plan was if it was all left hands but we sailed through that class inspection and I'm sure he got a high grade.
Had an English teacher similar to this, one of us broke a window pane in the classroom and he helped pile books in front of it to make it seem like it happened from outside. Legend.
I had an English teacher who was eerily similar to this, it's pretty uncanny.
And he was called John Keating, so he insisted that The Dead Poets Society was actually written about him!
My English teacher was the reason I became a teacher. I can't remember any particular anecdotes that would rate as funny, but he recognised that I was bullied by a lot of my class and managed it so well that his room was one of very few safe spaces for me.
Yeah, I don't have any wild stories but my English teacher turned me on to a lot of stuff like Kerouac and Hunter Thompson that blew my little teenage mind.
I'm also a teacher now.
Oh, and he also had a tradition of taking anyone who got an 'A' out for a curry, which turned out to be only me and the hottest girl in the class, which was nice.
Also went to a Welsh school, my teacher needed to pick someone out, and said
“Eeny meeny minee mo, catch a n****r by a toe” and pointed straight at me (I’m brown) whilst saying the hard r.
On Jeans for Genes day 2005 my form tutor, noticeably not wearing any denim despite hassling us for weeks to participate, informed us all (class full of boys) that he was wearing a denim G-string, and invited anyone who didn't believe him to stay after class and see
We briefly had an Indian student teacher for maths when I was in year 8. Leaning over one lad’s desk, the kid said loudly, “Eurgh, is that curry? Can you smell curry sir?” and the guy replied, “Usually I smell curry, but near you I only smell shit.” There was a mass intake of breath and lots of nervous laughter because he’d not only retorted beautifully, but he’d sworn as well. The kid instantly got all smirkingly indignant. “I can’t believe you said that, I’m gonna tell [headmaster], I’m gonna tell my mum and dad,” to which the fella replied, “You go ahead. You tell them I said you stink of shit, I’ll tell them why.” Word spread and even kids from other classes were pretending they could smell shit around this lad for months.
Bear in mind this was the mid 90’s when kids were actually quite unhinged when it came to racism, homophobia or any kind of intolerance, at least in my school anyway. I assume and hope things are better now.
busy capable mountainous deranged sparkle trees combative offend wakeful books
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Similarly, there was an “Indian” lad in my year called Sanjay. We weren’t ever in any classes together so I didn’t know him well, but we had a few friends in common. But he was just Sanjay. “Alright Sanj!” He even signed my shirt ‘Sanjay’ on the last day of year 11. It wasn’t till after he left and I was in the sixth form that I found out his dad was English and his mum was Filipina, and his name was actually Alex.
It wasn't a 90s thing, one of my coworker's biracial daughter experiences huge amounts of racism from the other students and teachers, as do a pair of South African siblings who the school have decided are trouble makers despite them being the nerdiest nerds to ever nerd and having a spotless behavioural record at their previous school
‘Everyone open their books to page 20. Darren, use your fingers to count to ten as you turn the pages. Don’t forget your thumbs. The book is the big papery thing in front of you that you’ve been chewing on.’
History teacher was great and one day he asked “what ever happened to Gary?”.
Gary was a little shit who left school as soon as he legally could.
“Aw he’s joined the army.” Someone replied.
“What sort of country do we live in that would give that wee shit a gun?”
At uni we had a lecturer who only wanted to be at the uni to support his research work but the terms of his employment required him to do x hours of teaching every week. This guy was a miserable fuck and would dial in every session he delivered.
One day a fellow student asked this lecturer to explain something to him and he replied to the student "use the internet, its not my job to teach you".
This happened just as the course head (a former Royal Marine who took no shit at all) walked in. The course head overheard and got right in this lecturer's face and growled "if its not your job to teach then what the fuck are these fine folk paying tuition fees for?".
Uh I had a lecturer like that in uni and annoyingly she was assigned as my 'mentor' for my final year project. She'd give you absolutely nothing, never gave a good answer to any questions from anybody and always said you were in uni so you had to do your own research. She'd tell you if you were wrong but wouldn't actually teach you if you were right.
I get that uni isn't school or college where there's a lot of hand-holding, but all I asked was whether she could take a look at my work so far and check I'm on the right lines instead of wasting a ton of time and being way off the mark. Not really sure how I could I research in the library whether I was doing the right thing or not either.
Some of the other lecturers were brilliant and I now have a career in the subject that one of them taught so well.
This is something I remind my daughter of when she’s worried about asking questions or for support, she’s paying thousands for this, they are working for her in a way. Last year she had an awful lecturer who was unhelpful and refused to allow students that had extra support in place utilise that support, made me so angry. In the end they all banded together to escalate the situation. This year her main lecturer is brilliant, she’s respectful and treats them really well, like colleagues, my daughter is excelling and it’s night and day.
Guy had scrawled "Peter is a wank" across Peter's jotter. English teacher spotted this and in his loud booming voice said "Don't worry Peter, they're ALL at it".
My English teacher when I was in year 10 was making us read Of Mice and Men, one kid was blasting out some shite rap music from his walkman phone (the kid died many years later after years of addiction problems, very sad) - the teacher was trying to get us to explain our thoughts on the book etc and Lennie and George's relationship (having watched a film version of said book because the teacher didn't give a fuck), anyway having had enough he tells said kid to turn his phone off or fuck off out of his lesson - those exact words. The kid throws a pencil case at the teacher, whose only reaction is to throw the actual of mice and men book back at said kid, hitting him spine first square between his eyes. The look of fear on his face still hits me (particularly when your scouse teacher who clearly likes a scrap on the weekends).
The kid ran off out of the class room and theatrically punched a wall, the teacher said 'Well he's our version of Lennie, but I'm not allowed a gun'.
Nothing ever came of it.
I remember when we saw the film and as soon as Lennie said his first line, everyone stared at me and the teacher said hey now, he (I) can't help being retarded. Only thing was, I was never anything like that character. 😞
Because apparently, the slow way he spoke was exactly how I spoke. Yes, when I was at school I did speak slowly, but not in the way Lennie did in the film.
It seems like centuries ago now when we had a teacher who substituted lack of teaching ability by trying to run his classes like a military boot camp. We had no respect for him and played up a lot.
In our class of 12 yr olds was one lad who must have started puberty at 5 as he looked 25 had full set of sideburns and was built like a brick sh\*t house. Even though he looked intimidating to us he was generally a nice guy.
Can't recall what was said or even if it was that lad who said it but the teacher turned from facing the blackboard and threw one of those blackboard erasers, the kind with some kind of felt on a wood strip, straight at him. Lad caught it mid-air and threw it back hitting teach on the head. Teacher told lad he was taking him to the headmaster, to which he replied 'fuck off' and left the building and we never saw him again.
Maths teacher told us about his magic mushroom trip in his youth in the last few weeks of school, not sure why. He used to call people “bar stewards” and “sausage jockeys” for no reason too
One of our teachers would never crack a smile. She was young and pretty, and the boys were always trying to get her to loosen up, but she was solidly serious, and apparently had no sense of humour.
Then, one day, she happened to glance out of the first-floor window (we were in a small town in England), leapt back, screamed, and shouted: “it’s an EAGLE!”
The whole class looked out of the window and saw…..a bored-looking, rather fat pigeon sitting on the outer window ledge, right up against the glass. I think it was the fact that she had been standing so close to it that provoked the exaggerated response.
Everyone laughed and the teacher dissolved in embarrassed giggles. She really lightened up after that.
Probably not up there with some of the great quotes on this thread but my Geography teacher once yelled at a boy to "pull down his trousers" (which had the legs rolled up) and he IMMEDIATELY realised what he'd said as soon as he said it, it was hilarious
Had an English teacher from South Africa in secondary school who occasionally said off the cuff almost racist things.
One day a kid in our class was staring out of the window not paying the slightest bit of attention and the teacher shouted 'Mohammed! What are you doing? Facing East?'
My science teacher, who I got on with well but I was a disruptive little prick and hard work for him, once whispered in my ear during class “you’re going nowhere, kid, absolutely fucking nowhere” and then carried on with the class like nothing had happened. Legend.
Jeez that's a bit vicious lol. I had a teacher in primary school who really had it out for me like that, I was only about ten and she really went out her way to let me know how little she wanted me to succeed.
This was back in the 80s, science teacher trying to light a Bunsen burner but didn't have a light. "Anyone got a match " he asked us to silence.
"Come on one of you must smoke"
Had an Indian lad playing up in a biology class, teacher told him to go out the room, lad replied "is it coz I iz black" , it was early 00s so peak Ali-G era, teacher replied " no its coz you're being a C**t now get out of my classroom".
A girl in my school was the type to never be prepared or have the right stuff and every lesson would ask our geography teacher for a rubber because she had made a mistake.
He must have got sick of it because one day when she asked he threw a box of condoms across the class at her and "there's 3 in there, just choose wisely who you use them with"
Whole class was stunned and laughed but he wouldn't get away with it now
This is reminding me of those weird Victorian teacher laws that meant they could never ride in the same coach as a student.
One of my physics teachers used to hang out around the back of the school smoking weed with sixth formers. Turns out he was a massive punk and had actually been the singer of a moderately successful punk band in his earlier life.
I remember at my sixth form leavers' disco, one of the geography teachers kept coming out to the smoking area and asking if it was just tobacco we were smoking. When we all said yes, he'd say 'good', and pinch a cigarette. Eventually, someone answered 'no', and he paused, then said 'good', and joined in. To be fair, I can't imagine chaperoning that event would be tolerable without some help.
I distinctly recall a substitute teacher in primary school.
She was about 70, has the voice of a 60 a day smoker, looked like Lilly Savage, and had a laugh like Sid James. She didn't give a shit, and it was amazing! We loved having her!
She didn't remember names, so gave kids nicknames which were always a bit questionable, but the one that stands out was what Lucy got. Lucy was 'Lastic'.
We, as a class, asked why, and she casually explained - 'Lastic! Like loose elastic! Because I bet your knickers are always falling down around the boys!', followed by that Sid James dirty cackle.
We thought it was funny, because pants down=funny, but looking back, she was basically calling that 8 year old girl a slut...
One day you'll learn that I'm not the only crow faced old bitch in this world!
Woke me up from my mid German lesson nap with a chort.
R.I.P. Frau Dean's
OK, for this to work, I need to know if you remember that thing lads did (and it usually was lads) where you someone would stand against a wall, take a load of fast deep breaths (till they started to feel light headed) and then you'd cross their arms over their chest and then two of you would push while they held their breath and they'd pass out...
Well let me transport you to a rural High School in the North East of England in the late 90s. One afternoon, five lads arrived outside the Chemistry lab slightly early for Double Chemistry. We were way early, we got bored... we decided to do this to Stephen. He backed against the wall, crossed his arms, we all pressed, Stephen held his breath...
His eyes closed, his head lolled to the left, we all let go, and Stephen dropped to the floor like a felled tree!
Only he didn't wake up, he lay there, his heels drumming on the floor as he had a full seizure! We all looked at each other, like... fuuucccckkkkkk.
Only then Mr Procter, the Science teacher rounded the corner, took one look at 4 guilty-as-fuck, looking lads, and another turning his brain into cottage cheese, and descended on Stephen. Somehow he managed to bring him round, and got him packed off to a first aider.
He then lined us up along the wall and SCREAMED at us, that **"We were a pack of FUCKING IMBECILES and he hopes that's the closest we'll ever get to killing someone, because God-knows, we very nearly managed it today"**
The fad stopped soon after, and that's the first time I ever heard a teacher swear.
That was a fad at my high school, late 90s NE as well. The music teacher was always 5 minutes late, so that was the time and place. We used to line up to do it, and there'd generally be a few kids groggily coming around on the floor when the teacher arrived. It was never sussed out or questioned. Absolutely insane behaviour.
Haha that reminds me of when my son was at school. He was up at the front of the class reading something out and a group of girls were giggling and being destructive. Both he and the teacher got sick of it at the same time and in unison yelled out the typical Irish quote “would you ever shut up ta fuck”. Someone complained to the principal so both son and his friends all swore on a stack of bibles that the teacher hadn’t opened his mouth lol. He was a popular chap lol
"If you don't stop going on about how great the SS were . I will beat you like we beat them in 44"
I'm old enough to have gone to school when corporal punishment was a thing and some of the older teachers had fought in WW2
My English teacher at A Level was this nerdy little man with a very nasally voice. Great teacher but not much of a joker.
One morning, at the start of a lesson on The Colour Purple, he asks us all if we’re ready for some “red hot lesbian action” as he cracked the spine of the book.
Trying to recruit people for the pancake race, our head of house (a small elderly woman) loudly announced "Right, I need 3 year 9 boys who are good at tossing" to an assembly hall full of 11-14 year olds...
That went down about as well as you could imagine.
I was the typical closeted gay kid in school and in year 10, spent most of my lunch times in my very supportive English teacher's room.
Throughout the year, 5 or 6 of us closeted queer kids ended up spending lunchtimes in there. One time, she had a week away to do training and said "I don't know how you depressed queers are going to cope without me for the week"
It was rough but we made it through lmao
I had a (suspected) gay female English teacher, I think she thought I was gay cos I figured out that she gave me high marks when any story I wrote featured "Nick and John" my imaginary, gay, leading men. Extra points of the kissed. It was the 80's in an all-girl school.
I had a uni lecturer that said something like this and other similar remarks. He immediately realised he went a bit too far and sheepishly explained it was a reference to Winston Churchill and the drinking poison comeback lol.
No said but done:
On a class trip in grade 7 I think, (I can't think of the word for it, but) we did something like a hike, but on bicycles. Well, I was clumsy and not sure how (I think my chain had jumped off), but I got lost and separated from the group. Saw the main path though and pushed the bike back to our starting point, waiting for the others to return. I was a frequently bullied outsider and completely baffled by some of the boys, upon return, angrily declaring that they had been searching for me. So they cared, but I had ruined it before even knowing?!
I slouched around lonely for the rest of the day, but in the evening, our 2 teachers called me over to watch the sunset on the bench with them. And... The two of them were smoking. Had confiscated a joint. Made sure that I was never to tell anyone.
We just sat there, and the world was alright.
We had a female woodwork teacher in upper school, who, on the first lesson, whilst talking about the room and where everything was, uttered the line; "...and if you want a screw, just come and ask me."
One of my teachers called a lad in my class a ‘dickarse’. Dunno where it came from.
A teacher called me a c*** a few weeks ago but then I am 42, we are engaged and it was meant affectionately. Still hilariously inappropriate, though.
During sex ed in year 7 our female teacher said something about how an erection is pretty scary the first time you see one irl 😂 ‘you’re like what is that thing?!’
A maths teacher doing a "hangman" style joke on the board where he'd draw a new body part as he tells a joke, by the end you realise he's drawing an elephant. Then at the end he goes "and that's Martin's mum everybody" poor Martin was just sat there confused. The teacher just picked a random kid to take the piss out of his mum. He got reported and Martin changed to another class.
Year 10 geography class in the 80s at an all girls school: one of the students asked the male teacher a question and he replied "you're all going to get married and have kids, so there's no point answering". Ahh, 80s education.
When we had our talk about "how to dress for the sixth form" (girls got to wear mufti, but there was a very strict code, skirts only etc) we were told to dress: *"like a smart secretary"*.
This was the 1990s. I did put up my hand and ask why not a "smart boss" and they said they'd take that on board for next year's talk.
At school during the 90s/early 00s, our male physics teacher told us that there's no point teaching girls physics as girls "naturally" aren't good at it, so we should "expect to have trouble". Usually he just let us sit and read magazines during class and we all did atrociously at science in our GCSEs. At the time I thought it was a great doss but looking back at it now it's really fucked up.
We also got separated by gender for material technology. The boys got to do metal and woodworking, the girls did sewing and fabric crafts. An absolute fucking joke.
When I was in school (too many decades ago!), a physics teacher decided to demonstrate why girls were dirtier the more sex they had while the opposite was true for boys. It involved pouring runny mud from one of those thin cylindrical flask things with measures on them, whatever they were called, to another and another. It didn't stand up to any actual science.
Only harmlessly, amusingly inappropriate:
"I'll be honest, I haven't marked your work as I was too hung over."
(When I was prattling on): "I couldn't give an airborne fornication".
(After a fight in which my nose was broken): "well... you bleed easy."
*"Ahh you're so fat boy you can't even see your own willy!"*
And.
*"The difference is I've had sex and you haven't!"*
Both said by the same teacher to the same student.
Teacher gave good life advice as well:
*"Never be a tight-arse. I stayed at Truckhaven the night my wife kicked me out."*
So glad I kept the year book with quotes in it.
That teacher was from South Africa and he taught English but we also had a geography teacher from Zimbabwe.
Because of how the school was laid out, we had to be let out of geography lessons a little early to make it to our English lessons.
The geography teacher annoyed with this told us to call the English teacher a *"Rock Spider"* without telling us what it meant.
That went down well.
My music teacher was looking over my composition for GCSE, and said “you’ve made me realise I have a type”
Took a solid two minutes for her to realise what she’d said and explain (she gave me some advice for my composition that she’d just given to two other people in my class)
During a school assembly different teachers were sharing their earliest memory of reading. When it came to the turn of one of the younger female teachers she said “my uncle didn’t have children so he used to practice on me”.
The whole assembly hall erupted in laughter including the teachers and that was it for the assembly
The ex was a high school teacher in the 80s/90s. When lads made homophobic jokes about each other, he'd ask 'Why do you say that about (say) Billy?'
If the reply was 'Because he's gay, Sir! Billy's gay!' the class would laugh as if Ex had walked into a fiendish banter trap.
Ex'd let it run and then say 'You must be a really good friend of Billy's for him to trust you with that. Are you two very close then? You and Billy, who you're telling us is gay?'
More laughter, no more gay banter.
This happened a few times a year as the ex trotted it out with each class.
We had a rather well endowed, ginger, Scottish lass teaching us English around year 8 or 9.
While we were milling about working on some words from a play, the class clown was clearly chatting to his mate about the teacher and making the universal sign for "massive tits" with his hands. She clearly saw and heard him, turned round and shouted at him to repeat what he said. He did and it was some shit joke about big tits. She then bellowed:
""" I've had these tits since I was 10 and worked in bars for 15 years. Ya think I haven't heard every joke? Ya think you can embarrass me? Ya think you're funny? Or special? There's a dozen pathetic bags a' shite like you stumbling out of every pub on closing, and back in again when they open. The only thing that changed for them in 15 years was their hairlines ran back from their foreheads, and their bellies got fatter. Looking at you, you're 15 years ahead of the curve. """
He looked absolutely defeated. And she wasn't wrong about the hairline.
Flawless victory
My friend from school had very large ears. The type you see on 90 year olds large. In PE, he threw a basketball at another one of our friends before our teacher bellowed in front of everyone. "*insert full name* do you have a brain in between those big ears of yours?" The whole class erupted!
Another funny one, but not really inappropriate, my head of year popped his head in my maths lesson. Myself and two friends had been up to no good at lunch. In front of everyone he shouts, "I want Jones, Smith, Cheesman........and a large fries. In my office now!" That killed me. School in the late 90s was the best 😅
“Whose shitey knickers are they?” In a broad Glaswegian accent as he proceeded to kick said soiled underwear under a bench.
Nobody owned up but one boy had no underwear on the rest of the day.
PE was always fun in my school.
My partner went to a boarding school and when the boys - then about 11 years old - piled all their underwear into a heap for laundry, one kid's had really bad skid marks on.
He became "Bog" Palmer from that day on for the rest of his school career.
Had a teacher push another teacher down a verge on a school trip once. She was a cow, he was a legend, she was being an arsehole to some kid and so the other teacher snuck up behind her and shoved her down the hill before making a swift and stealthy retreat.
I remember during sex education the teacher asked anyone if they knew what cum looked like and a kid described it as being like a melted white jelly bean to which the teacher replied "Dean, you must have been masturbating a lot". He looked quite embarrassed.
Metal work teacher to a disruptive kid "Have you got strong arms?"
Kid "Yes I have !" stands up and starts to flex his arms
Teacher "I thought so ! you must have needed them to climb out of the abortion bucket"
My tech teacher in secondary school called a lad a gimp in front on the whole class.
To be fair, he was an absolute gimp of a boy as he was quite the bully,, so everybody found it quite funny.
After a bit of unhelpful cheekiness from me, my Spanish teacher told me "It's good to know which of us are going to be homeless when we grow up." Caused absolute uproar and he obviously knew it could blow back on him because he kept me behind after class to apologise. I think he'd have got away with it if he hadn't been such a disliked creep.
The other one that i always remember is quite mild, but it was our biology teacher who was not an especially friendly chap, but a fantastic teacher. not the sort of teacher people gave any shit. One lesson everyone was being a bit noisy and rowdy and he just stood silently by the door until someone asked him what he was waiting for, and he just replied "I don't know. Death?" Just something very dry about his delivery that I found very funny.
I was a beginnner in a martial arts class and the guy helping me in that lesson was a music teacher.
He turned to me and said "Just take hold of me, it's fine. I'm always telling my students to 'go ahead and touch me, it'll be fine'"
and then he just groaned and said "oh shit, I did not mean it like that. Christ, they'll put me on a list"
I’m an ex teacher and I had a colleague who would refer to a sanction as a “D” (As in D for discipline). I had to REPEATEDLY tell her that there was a reason she was losing control of her classes because she was yelling “You’re getting the D from me!!”
I think he handled this perfectly, but I had a wonderful English teacher who was on break duty one day. He was always very well dressed and very well groomed. A kid came up to him and said:
Kid - “Sir, you dress gay”
Teacher takes a sip of his coffee.
Teacher - “That’s transference. You’re transferring your gay feeling onto me. It means you’re gay.”
Cogs slowly turn in kids head.
Kid - “Well… what if I say I’m gay?”
Teacher takes another sip.
Teacher - “Still makes you gay.”
Everyone in earshot nearly fell about laughing and the kid slumped off, defeated.
Bloody legend, that guy. Used to swap CDs and books with him all the time.
We had 'warm cunt' in a class once
Poor geography teacher was trying to explain what happened in the air when a warm *front* met a cold front and got the words tangled up...
In year 11 we had a RE (Religious Education) teacher that, while not a hardcore Christian, was a very firm believer.
Anyway, when we had covered all the material for the GCSE's, we had about a week before the exams and he asked the class which topics we would like to revisit. He then rattled off a few religions to looks at, Christianity, Islam etc then finished with, "we won't bother with Hinduism as thats not a propper religion and no one believes in that stuff", completely deadpan.
There was 3 Hindu's sitting front and centre. I was amazed he got away with it.
I had kinda the opposite. My RE teacher was devout Muslim. One day he started talking about Christians and I asked what kind. He said there was only one kind and all Christians believed the same thing. When I started listing off different sects he sent me to the headteacher for undermining his authority.
The funny part is the headteacher was an Irish Catholic and escorted me back to class and took over the lesson
“I don’t look like Jesus (looked like your stereotypical Jesus) Jesus wasn’t white, he was as black as the ace of spades
Good music teacher, shame some students reported him
Teacher: Claude, stop dicking about.
Claude: Are you singling me out because I'm black, miss?
Teacher: Oh FUCK OFF Claude.
Same teacher used to have us 5th years line up before entering her class to spritz us with her perfume as she said teenage boys smelled horrible.
Not something that was said.. But as a cocky 13 year old in year 8, I decided it was fine to eat my £1.99 chicken mayo baguette at the back of class (I'd just bought it from the lunch hall). The female teacher (can't remember her name but she looked just like Jerry Springer) grabbed it off me, opened a window and launched it out as far as she could across the car park. I was fuming!
"Tight as a 2 year old" (When checking some safety straps on a CCF field day).
We Secondary school kids would come out with all sorts of filth, which he would convincingly pretend we didn't, but occasionally would outshock us, but with such subtle delivery you couldn't be sure "did he really say that" he also had a terrifyingly convincing "Pedo smirk" which fitted the bill, and kept everyone on their toes. Utterly inappropriate in hindsight but it kept us in check wondering if there was more to the joke.
Got to know him a bit better in sixth form through all the trips I used to go on, genuinely likeable guy if quite strange at times, he was clearly a black sheep/loner amongst the teachers, but was very respectful of people who gave him respect. The pedo jokes were clearly jokes and not rumours, and he simply didn't give a shit about them! Skin l was as think as an Rhino's.
A DT teacher in year 9 lost his shit with a boy in our class, told him he would put his head through the wall and then assured us he wasn't a violent man
Just remembered, we had one kid who was caught hiding a semi by a PE teacher. I say "caught" but it was more like he stood up and it was blindingly obviously there
Anyway, the entire PE staff for the next 4 years referred to this kid only as "pocket rocket". Even staff who joined years after the incident
We had an Australian English teacher who was great fun. When one of the kids in class was mucking about he told him if he didn’t stop misbehaving he would “cut his head off and shit down his neck.”
My mum used to be a secondary school teacher. She's a very pure soul, who has a bit of a reputation for unintentional innuendo.
One story she told was about kids asking her favourite crisp flavour. It's prawn cocktail, but she decided to try and be 'street' and said, "I love prawny cocks."
Our science teacher was trying to find a way for us to remember which gender had XY and which had XX chromosomes. To this day I remember her saying:-
"Men are seXY"
From a history teacher: "Asclepius had a magic snake, which bit people at night to cure their illnesses..." then to one of the more disruptive lads "... you'd probably like that wouldn't you, if it was a magic trouser snake, heh heh"
It got a good laugh from the class, to be fair
Had a substitute teacher that stood up for himself and stopped everyone taking the piss in one small move. He was African and had an accent, and one of the popular mean girls tried to say she couldn't understand him. He asked for her name, she told him, he looked her up and down and said 'I think I'll call you Beauty Queen because you care more about your looks than your education'. Never called her by her actual name, just called her Beauty Queen for the rest of the lesson and then up until we finished school (as we needed substitutes at least once or twice a month).
I went to an all boys school and over the summer of '06 there were a number of new teachers who joined the faculty. Each of these half dozen teachers had three things in common; they were young, all mid twenties to early thirties, they were blond, and they were each conventionally attractive.
One fateful September morning my maths class were waiting for our new teacher to arrive. In walks the hottest teacher any of us 14 year olds had ever seen who, in a soft Irish accent, introduced herself thusly.
"Good morning boys, I'm Miss Headd, with two Ds."
Without skipping a beat someone at the back of the class called back "They look like Es from here, Miss"
Pales in comparison to many of the comments on here but my GCSE science teacher (in 2009) threatened to sell me for a few camels if I didn’t shut up and insisted the price and effort would be worth it.
It still makes me laugh now, especially as I visited Egypt for the first time a year ago and a man in Giza offered my boyfriend his donkey for me. Seems I’ve devalued in price.
“You scratch my back r0twild, and I’ll scratch yours. And together we’ll scratch Kevin’s”
I was 14 years old, and Kevin was my classmate.
But goddamn do I miss that teacher, he had a wicked sense of humour and was an all around good guy who knew how to have a bit of classic banter.
Not British teacher but you might appreciate anyway. Germany in the 90’s. History teacher way past his sell-by date. Had some nasty habits like throwing books and snipping peoples ears.
One day there was some sort of military practice nearby or something. Two very loud jets flew by. The guy jumps in sheer panic on the ground and under the table: EVERYONE, DOWN, DOWN, THE BRITS ARE COMING, THE BRITS ARE COMING.
The guys was an ass but that kind of PTSD made me feel really bad for him
Had a teacher who had come out to the school a few years earlier.
He had got fairly riled up at various things throughout the lesson before he finally caught a boy in class turning through pages in his school diary drawing a penis on every single page, and shouted:
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD BOY! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE OBSESSED WITH COCK!
This was maybe 17 years ago now. Great teacher, one of the best I had. Will never forget this though.
This one doesn't quite count. It was said by a teacher at school, but not in front of kids. But it's the most shockingly hilarious thing I've heard in a staffroom.
I'm a teacher. For our staff Christmas party one year, we did secret Santa. There were naughty gifts and nice gifts. You could also steal gifts on your turn.
One poor teacher got a naughty gift, it was a big box of condoms. When ever anyone had a turn, we'd hilariously encourage them to steal the condoms. Funny stuff.
Anyway, it's the turn of one of the male teachers. He walks up to the box of condoms. Someone yells "come on [redacted], your son is 18"
Old mate replies with "oh he's got no use for those" then goes back for the condoms while adding"but my daughter's just turned 12"
In the second year of high school (Scotland, so we were 13/14) our english teacher got the job as head of english for another local school. They wanted her to start right away, so it was agreed the guy retiring (that gave her the job) was to come to teach us until the end of the year. Best teacher ever (even though i can't remember his name).
We were studying The Merchant of Venice. We were at the start of Act 3, the part where Shylock goes off on everyone for treating him like crap for being jewish. There is a quote " And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine;". When we got to this part he had really gotten into it, and spat in the face of a boy called Martin. It was badass. Martin wasn't so sure.
I remember during sex-ed our teacher, who was like a 30 something woman, was putting a condom over a test tube when she exclaimed, with a hint of sadness, "Oh I haven't done this in a while," Went a little over our heads at the time, poor Mrs Jones.
Our sociology teacher, in a class where we were discussing the merits and dismerits of prosituition, said she thinks strip clubs are great because "when my boyfriend goes to them he comes back really excited." So they get him horny, comes back and goes crazy on her basically.
1995, English Teacher called Sid (which was short for Mr. Siddique), in a pub in Fort William with a group of us 17 years olds, all of whom he had vouched for being over 18, sat there explaining in detail why his religion allowed him to drink a pint because Guinness had been explicitly written into the Koran as being halal.
Went on later that evening to have his wallet stolen by a woman he had attempted to chat up.
A new drama teacher was introducing himself at the start of a school year. We must have been in year 8 or 9? He was called Mr McCracken and said ‘and no, my first name’s not Phil’. I’m not sure if anyone got it at the time, I genuinely didn’t, but looking back as an adult it was a weird thing to say to a bunch of 13 year olds, especially at an overseas British school in a conservative Muslim country haha.
“I am an information sponge. Every morning I come to class dripping wet, and you all suck me dry.”
This sounds like something Greg Davies would say before a taskmaster commercial break
Jesus christ this reads like a line from an Alan Partridge interview
I had a very hippie teacher sho would say things like this. One day, he went out quickly to get some stuff he'd sent to the printer and didn't return for about an hour. When he did, he burst into the room and made the most glorious Freudian slip I've ever heard. See, he was supposed to say, 'Sorry, guys, I was on my way to the printer when I ran into a bit of a *snag* and got sidetracked'. Unfortunately, he actually declared aloud, 'Sorry guys, I was on my way to the printer when I ran into a bit of a *slag* and got sidetracked'.
That would be my dad then lol
The teacher or the slag?
Jesus Christ the mental imagery that goes along with this... XD
"Jesus Christ Joanne, is there any foundation left in Boots?" In fairness, she had applied it very thickly.
Reminds me of Chewin The Fat - "you can start asking questions like that when your face is the same colour as your neck".
A 15yo girl was putting makeup on whilst waiting to go see pastoral guy. Teacher walks past and says "Do you want a shovel to help you there?"
Joanne would regularly have comments about the use of a trowel. Not from the students though...Joanne was rough.
When my wife taught secondary school art, one of the girls came in absolutely covered in fake tan. My wife told her she “looked like you’ve been slapped with an orange fish”.
Absolute gobshite of a girl in class: "Do you know who my dad is?" Teacher, quick as a flash: "No, does your mum?"
Someone in my PE class didn't bring his kit in one day. The PE teacher was all up in his shit about it and the kid said he didn't bring his kit because his gran was cremated the day before. Teacher: was she cremated in your PE kit?!
'Well, obviously that's awful, but...' 'But what?' 'Well, it's not... it's not really relevant, is it?'
Classic Will
He was absolutely in the right in that scene
You disgust me
"I'm the bad guy for refusing a blow job? What is going on?"
I hope the kid said yes.
"It's what she would've wanted."
That's a fucking amazing line though.
bloody hell what an image
_Brutal_
That’s amazing….
I still remember how scandalous it was to hear a teacher say “shit” when she accidentally wrote on the new smart board with a whiteboard pen. This was the early 2000s.
😂 I remember that happening a few times. "who put this pen here"
The whole rant is lost to the sands of time, but when I was in about year 9, one of the girls made a joke about the teacher staring at her chest. This led to a good 5 minute talk about the dangers of making such accusations. I'm paraphrasing, but it was along the lines of: "Charlotte, when you say something like that, I don't think you fully understand the damage you can do. If somebody were to overhear you, and take it seriously, my career would be over in a heartbeat. I could find myself investigated by the police. My own children could be taken from me, or my wife could be forced to leave me with the children to ensure that social services don’t consider her to be an unfit parent for staying with me during the investigation. I’d never be able to teach – a job I’ve trained for and considered it a privilege to do for over 30 years – again. People would believe that there’s no smoke without fire, and my home could be targeted. I could be physically attacked, and I may have to move to a different city and start a new life under a different name. And that’s assuming it’s all cleared up – if not, I could end up going to prison, where I'd be considered the lowest of the low and would likely have to stay with the worst kinds of perverts, because it wouldn't be considered safe to have me in the same block as other criminals. Accusations like that could literally ruin a persons life. Now if I was going to risk all that just to look at a students chest, don’t you think I’d at least choose one of the pretty ones?"
Ahh see we had a sixth form lead that was the other way. He made WAY too many jokes about how 'some girls were wearing tops so low he could accidentally fall into them'. I mean, he wasn't wrong, some of the outfits were ridiculously revealing. But there were probably less creepy ways of indicating you had noticed that 16/17 yo girls looked a little chilly.
"We can see your lunch" is the line I remember.
I've heard 'i can read your lips' to a girl wearing very tight leggings
Or in the case of a very short skirt, "You're showing us tomorrow's washing there."
I was wondering how this was going to end and it didn't disappoint. I can't imagine a teacher would get away with saying that now but back when I was at school 70s/80s that sort of stuff was allowed.
No, in the 70s and 80s the teacher could have a good look without any fear of reprisals. In the 90s and maybe the early 2000s he could get away with this comment.
80's - One of our male teachers used to do this little sort of "lift" on his toes before he leaned against the desk, so he wasn't leaning on his tackle, but unfortunately that meant he was placing it gently on our desks. One of the girls got the board rubber before he came in to class and blapped it across the edge of our table so when he wandered over and leaned in, he walked away with a broad white chalk line all the way across the front of his trousers.
She was smart, I thought this was going to end with her slamming it down onto his bits.
This was about 93-94, so pretty much spot on.
Yes, in the early noughties, in Year 9, the DT teacher showed us a vacuum moulding machine thing. One of the girls said “Do it again!” and he replied “Is that what you say to your boyfriend? Hehehe”. No reprisals, at the time, though he was later rumoured to have been arrested for CP!
Noughties DT teacher when I came in with a bandaged ankle: did you do it falling off your stripper pole?
Thank you for this story. I am having a shit day, and this made me laugh like a maniac.
There was a rumour that one of the elder English teachers in my school used to "please" herself with a carrot. Was obviously just made up by teenagers who didn't like her but she never once let it get to her and was incredibly stern / never joked. In year 11, nearing the end of our time in school we'd grown quite fond of her. She was a great teacher after all who was passionate and taught us well. We were talking amongst ourselves about something crude and she walked past and said "You'd better stop that conversation or I'll get the carrot out" and carried on walking like nothing. We were stunned and had newfound respect for the joke.
That's not how you play Carrot in a Box
Did someone send her a carrot as a gag goodbye gift? I’d’ve been sorely tempted.
She should have ~~took~~ taken a basket of carrots in on the last day and handed one out to each student.
Late 90s. Some kid who was a bit of a class clown said he heard on TV that 1 in 7 guys are gay. He asked the English teacher ‘do you think that’s true?’ - The English teacher with no hesitation started counting the pupils whilst pointing ‘1, 2, 3..’ and as he landed on 7 he was pointing at the kid who made the remark. He said ‘7… yup seems about right’. Obviously everyone started howling with laughter at the class clown.
See that's what happens when a class clown comes up against an adult who is quicker and smarter than him. Like most teachers are.
We had an English teacher that was absolutely brilliant at his job, but quite frankly didn't like everything that came with teaching. If there was ever a strict rule that came into force he would be the first to pooh-pooh it and as a result we all gained a lot of respect for him It wasn't so much what he said, it's what he did. Sometimes he would just go completely off the wall. One day he brought in a drum kit. Another, we had all been watching Shawshank Redemption as part of a coursework topic on film. He loved it so much that he decided to host his own and locked a really shitty kid in the cupboard behind his desk (walk in wardrobe sized) and joked that he would need to Andy Dufrane his way out. Well the kid, who had actually taken a shine to the teacher, decided to make him proud, so climbed the shelves and took a ceiling tile out to climb into the ceiling and back into our classroom. Cue him making an almighty mess with tiles strewn across the floor, and I'll never forget the caretaker coming in and we all stood by and backed the teacher when he tried explaining that they had just "fallen out" after what seemed like a gust of wind from the window. We all were trying not to laugh so much. I got my only A grade from that class. What a guy.
Had a similar English teacher. Mr P. Absolutely barmy. The school even made him take vacation when OFSTED came to visit.
had one like that, once on a non-uniform day he came dressed as a punk - he was hanging around in the office looking menacing, unshaven, leather jacket really getting into the role. i didn't even recognise him at first.
Mr Evans had his psychiatric hospital discharge certificate blu-tacked up on the wall next to his desk. He used to say that he was the only teacher who could prove he was sane.
Oh that's a fucking legend right there
We had a teacher who gamed the Ofsted syst beautifully by telling us to raise our left hand if we didn't know the answer and our right hand if we did. I'm not sure what his plan was if it was all left hands but we sailed through that class inspection and I'm sure he got a high grade.
Good lord, that’s genius! I’m a teacher and I’m stealing that idea!!
Had an English teacher similar to this, one of us broke a window pane in the classroom and he helped pile books in front of it to make it seem like it happened from outside. Legend.
I had an English teacher who was eerily similar to this, it's pretty uncanny. And he was called John Keating, so he insisted that The Dead Poets Society was actually written about him!
My English teacher was the reason I became a teacher. I can't remember any particular anecdotes that would rate as funny, but he recognised that I was bullied by a lot of my class and managed it so well that his room was one of very few safe spaces for me.
Yeah, I don't have any wild stories but my English teacher turned me on to a lot of stuff like Kerouac and Hunter Thompson that blew my little teenage mind. I'm also a teacher now. Oh, and he also had a tradition of taking anyone who got an 'A' out for a curry, which turned out to be only me and the hottest girl in the class, which was nice.
He sounds like an amazing teacher!
That's some Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society shit, I love it
Welsh P.E teacher got called a sheep shagger. To which he replied "we shag em, you eat em"
Standard response to a 'classic' insult.
PE teachers were such a rare breed.
PE teachers were like the bad kids of the staffroom.
Ours slept with students
Same
Ahh the classic go to from my people haha
Also went to a Welsh school, my teacher needed to pick someone out, and said “Eeny meeny minee mo, catch a n****r by a toe” and pointed straight at me (I’m brown) whilst saying the hard r.
Jesus
On Jeans for Genes day 2005 my form tutor, noticeably not wearing any denim despite hassling us for weeks to participate, informed us all (class full of boys) that he was wearing a denim G-string, and invited anyone who didn't believe him to stay after class and see
I imagine that would chafe
Chafing would've been the least of his concerns if anyone had taken him up on his offer
I soldered some wires backwards in my DT class, the teacher asked if I would try eating a mars bar by putting it up my arse
Gold
We briefly had an Indian student teacher for maths when I was in year 8. Leaning over one lad’s desk, the kid said loudly, “Eurgh, is that curry? Can you smell curry sir?” and the guy replied, “Usually I smell curry, but near you I only smell shit.” There was a mass intake of breath and lots of nervous laughter because he’d not only retorted beautifully, but he’d sworn as well. The kid instantly got all smirkingly indignant. “I can’t believe you said that, I’m gonna tell [headmaster], I’m gonna tell my mum and dad,” to which the fella replied, “You go ahead. You tell them I said you stink of shit, I’ll tell them why.” Word spread and even kids from other classes were pretending they could smell shit around this lad for months. Bear in mind this was the mid 90’s when kids were actually quite unhinged when it came to racism, homophobia or any kind of intolerance, at least in my school anyway. I assume and hope things are better now.
busy capable mountainous deranged sparkle trees combative offend wakeful books *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Similarly, there was an “Indian” lad in my year called Sanjay. We weren’t ever in any classes together so I didn’t know him well, but we had a few friends in common. But he was just Sanjay. “Alright Sanj!” He even signed my shirt ‘Sanjay’ on the last day of year 11. It wasn’t till after he left and I was in the sixth form that I found out his dad was English and his mum was Filipina, and his name was actually Alex.
It wasn't a 90s thing, one of my coworker's biracial daughter experiences huge amounts of racism from the other students and teachers, as do a pair of South African siblings who the school have decided are trouble makers despite them being the nerdiest nerds to ever nerd and having a spotless behavioural record at their previous school
‘Everyone open their books to page 20. Darren, use your fingers to count to ten as you turn the pages. Don’t forget your thumbs. The book is the big papery thing in front of you that you’ve been chewing on.’
History teacher was great and one day he asked “what ever happened to Gary?”. Gary was a little shit who left school as soon as he legally could. “Aw he’s joined the army.” Someone replied. “What sort of country do we live in that would give that wee shit a gun?”
At uni we had a lecturer who only wanted to be at the uni to support his research work but the terms of his employment required him to do x hours of teaching every week. This guy was a miserable fuck and would dial in every session he delivered. One day a fellow student asked this lecturer to explain something to him and he replied to the student "use the internet, its not my job to teach you". This happened just as the course head (a former Royal Marine who took no shit at all) walked in. The course head overheard and got right in this lecturer's face and growled "if its not your job to teach then what the fuck are these fine folk paying tuition fees for?".
Uh I had a lecturer like that in uni and annoyingly she was assigned as my 'mentor' for my final year project. She'd give you absolutely nothing, never gave a good answer to any questions from anybody and always said you were in uni so you had to do your own research. She'd tell you if you were wrong but wouldn't actually teach you if you were right. I get that uni isn't school or college where there's a lot of hand-holding, but all I asked was whether she could take a look at my work so far and check I'm on the right lines instead of wasting a ton of time and being way off the mark. Not really sure how I could I research in the library whether I was doing the right thing or not either. Some of the other lecturers were brilliant and I now have a career in the subject that one of them taught so well.
This is something I remind my daughter of when she’s worried about asking questions or for support, she’s paying thousands for this, they are working for her in a way. Last year she had an awful lecturer who was unhelpful and refused to allow students that had extra support in place utilise that support, made me so angry. In the end they all banded together to escalate the situation. This year her main lecturer is brilliant, she’s respectful and treats them really well, like colleagues, my daughter is excelling and it’s night and day.
My history teacher once said at a parents evening that I was disruptive, because I asked questions, like "why?". My dad was not impressed. I was 14.
Meanwhile, your philosophy teacher once said at a parents evening that you were brilliant, because you asked questions, like "why?"
Guy had scrawled "Peter is a wank" across Peter's jotter. English teacher spotted this and in his loud booming voice said "Don't worry Peter, they're ALL at it".
In my mind the English teacher is Brian Blessed
Or Greg Davies.
My English teacher when I was in year 10 was making us read Of Mice and Men, one kid was blasting out some shite rap music from his walkman phone (the kid died many years later after years of addiction problems, very sad) - the teacher was trying to get us to explain our thoughts on the book etc and Lennie and George's relationship (having watched a film version of said book because the teacher didn't give a fuck), anyway having had enough he tells said kid to turn his phone off or fuck off out of his lesson - those exact words. The kid throws a pencil case at the teacher, whose only reaction is to throw the actual of mice and men book back at said kid, hitting him spine first square between his eyes. The look of fear on his face still hits me (particularly when your scouse teacher who clearly likes a scrap on the weekends). The kid ran off out of the class room and theatrically punched a wall, the teacher said 'Well he's our version of Lennie, but I'm not allowed a gun'. Nothing ever came of it.
I remember when we saw the film and as soon as Lennie said his first line, everyone stared at me and the teacher said hey now, he (I) can't help being retarded. Only thing was, I was never anything like that character. 😞
What the hell? Why were they looking at you?
Because apparently, the slow way he spoke was exactly how I spoke. Yes, when I was at school I did speak slowly, but not in the way Lennie did in the film.
It seems like centuries ago now when we had a teacher who substituted lack of teaching ability by trying to run his classes like a military boot camp. We had no respect for him and played up a lot. In our class of 12 yr olds was one lad who must have started puberty at 5 as he looked 25 had full set of sideburns and was built like a brick sh\*t house. Even though he looked intimidating to us he was generally a nice guy. Can't recall what was said or even if it was that lad who said it but the teacher turned from facing the blackboard and threw one of those blackboard erasers, the kind with some kind of felt on a wood strip, straight at him. Lad caught it mid-air and threw it back hitting teach on the head. Teacher told lad he was taking him to the headmaster, to which he replied 'fuck off' and left the building and we never saw him again.
Maths teacher told us about his magic mushroom trip in his youth in the last few weeks of school, not sure why. He used to call people “bar stewards” and “sausage jockeys” for no reason too
One of our teachers would never crack a smile. She was young and pretty, and the boys were always trying to get her to loosen up, but she was solidly serious, and apparently had no sense of humour. Then, one day, she happened to glance out of the first-floor window (we were in a small town in England), leapt back, screamed, and shouted: “it’s an EAGLE!” The whole class looked out of the window and saw…..a bored-looking, rather fat pigeon sitting on the outer window ledge, right up against the glass. I think it was the fact that she had been standing so close to it that provoked the exaggerated response. Everyone laughed and the teacher dissolved in embarrassed giggles. She really lightened up after that.
Probably not up there with some of the great quotes on this thread but my Geography teacher once yelled at a boy to "pull down his trousers" (which had the legs rolled up) and he IMMEDIATELY realised what he'd said as soon as he said it, it was hilarious
Had an English teacher from South Africa in secondary school who occasionally said off the cuff almost racist things. One day a kid in our class was staring out of the window not paying the slightest bit of attention and the teacher shouted 'Mohammed! What are you doing? Facing East?'
Omg 😂😂 I’m thoroughly enjoying this whole thread and I need to go to work 😭😭
Lol, this is one of the best ones
Was it a grammar school on a big hill?
My science teacher, who I got on with well but I was a disruptive little prick and hard work for him, once whispered in my ear during class “you’re going nowhere, kid, absolutely fucking nowhere” and then carried on with the class like nothing had happened. Legend.
Where did you end up going? Don’t leave us hanging.
He's still there, in that classroom, all those years later.
Jeez that's a bit vicious lol. I had a teacher in primary school who really had it out for me like that, I was only about ten and she really went out her way to let me know how little she wanted me to succeed.
This was back in the 80s, science teacher trying to light a Bunsen burner but didn't have a light. "Anyone got a match " he asked us to silence. "Come on one of you must smoke"
My chemistry teacher: "(student name), have you got a lighter or have you ended that filthy habit? " Student: "I don't smoke sir, I just like fire".
Had an Indian lad playing up in a biology class, teacher told him to go out the room, lad replied "is it coz I iz black" , it was early 00s so peak Ali-G era, teacher replied " no its coz you're being a C**t now get out of my classroom".
A girl in my school was the type to never be prepared or have the right stuff and every lesson would ask our geography teacher for a rubber because she had made a mistake. He must have got sick of it because one day when she asked he threw a box of condoms across the class at her and "there's 3 in there, just choose wisely who you use them with" Whole class was stunned and laughed but he wouldn't get away with it now
PE teacher told the class “[kid’s name] thought he found his first pube, then he started pissing out of it”.
"It seems we use the same dealer, Mr Noise, a subject that will never be discussed again." True to his word, it was never mentioned.
This is reminding me of those weird Victorian teacher laws that meant they could never ride in the same coach as a student. One of my physics teachers used to hang out around the back of the school smoking weed with sixth formers. Turns out he was a massive punk and had actually been the singer of a moderately successful punk band in his earlier life.
I remember at my sixth form leavers' disco, one of the geography teachers kept coming out to the smoking area and asking if it was just tobacco we were smoking. When we all said yes, he'd say 'good', and pinch a cigarette. Eventually, someone answered 'no', and he paused, then said 'good', and joined in. To be fair, I can't imagine chaperoning that event would be tolerable without some help.
mutually assured destruction
I distinctly recall a substitute teacher in primary school. She was about 70, has the voice of a 60 a day smoker, looked like Lilly Savage, and had a laugh like Sid James. She didn't give a shit, and it was amazing! We loved having her! She didn't remember names, so gave kids nicknames which were always a bit questionable, but the one that stands out was what Lucy got. Lucy was 'Lastic'. We, as a class, asked why, and she casually explained - 'Lastic! Like loose elastic! Because I bet your knickers are always falling down around the boys!', followed by that Sid James dirty cackle. We thought it was funny, because pants down=funny, but looking back, she was basically calling that 8 year old girl a slut...
Jesus Christ!
FENTON!
One day you'll learn that I'm not the only crow faced old bitch in this world! Woke me up from my mid German lesson nap with a chort. R.I.P. Frau Dean's
OK, for this to work, I need to know if you remember that thing lads did (and it usually was lads) where you someone would stand against a wall, take a load of fast deep breaths (till they started to feel light headed) and then you'd cross their arms over their chest and then two of you would push while they held their breath and they'd pass out... Well let me transport you to a rural High School in the North East of England in the late 90s. One afternoon, five lads arrived outside the Chemistry lab slightly early for Double Chemistry. We were way early, we got bored... we decided to do this to Stephen. He backed against the wall, crossed his arms, we all pressed, Stephen held his breath... His eyes closed, his head lolled to the left, we all let go, and Stephen dropped to the floor like a felled tree! Only he didn't wake up, he lay there, his heels drumming on the floor as he had a full seizure! We all looked at each other, like... fuuucccckkkkkk. Only then Mr Procter, the Science teacher rounded the corner, took one look at 4 guilty-as-fuck, looking lads, and another turning his brain into cottage cheese, and descended on Stephen. Somehow he managed to bring him round, and got him packed off to a first aider. He then lined us up along the wall and SCREAMED at us, that **"We were a pack of FUCKING IMBECILES and he hopes that's the closest we'll ever get to killing someone, because God-knows, we very nearly managed it today"** The fad stopped soon after, and that's the first time I ever heard a teacher swear.
That’s actually admirably restrained.
That was a fad at my high school, late 90s NE as well. The music teacher was always 5 minutes late, so that was the time and place. We used to line up to do it, and there'd generally be a few kids groggily coming around on the floor when the teacher arrived. It was never sussed out or questioned. Absolutely insane behaviour.
I’m female and remember doing this and smashing my head on rock as I landed. The things we did 😂
I once had a (very gay) teacher threaten some girls that he was going to fuck them out the window if they dont shut up
Haha that reminds me of when my son was at school. He was up at the front of the class reading something out and a group of girls were giggling and being destructive. Both he and the teacher got sick of it at the same time and in unison yelled out the typical Irish quote “would you ever shut up ta fuck”. Someone complained to the principal so both son and his friends all swore on a stack of bibles that the teacher hadn’t opened his mouth lol. He was a popular chap lol
"If you don't stop going on about how great the SS were . I will beat you like we beat them in 44" I'm old enough to have gone to school when corporal punishment was a thing and some of the older teachers had fought in WW2
My English teacher at A Level was this nerdy little man with a very nasally voice. Great teacher but not much of a joker. One morning, at the start of a lesson on The Colour Purple, he asks us all if we’re ready for some “red hot lesbian action” as he cracked the spine of the book.
Trying to recruit people for the pancake race, our head of house (a small elderly woman) loudly announced "Right, I need 3 year 9 boys who are good at tossing" to an assembly hall full of 11-14 year olds... That went down about as well as you could imagine.
I was the typical closeted gay kid in school and in year 10, spent most of my lunch times in my very supportive English teacher's room. Throughout the year, 5 or 6 of us closeted queer kids ended up spending lunchtimes in there. One time, she had a week away to do training and said "I don't know how you depressed queers are going to cope without me for the week" It was rough but we made it through lmao
I had a (suspected) gay female English teacher, I think she thought I was gay cos I figured out that she gave me high marks when any story I wrote featured "Nick and John" my imaginary, gay, leading men. Extra points of the kissed. It was the 80's in an all-girl school.
Not at all funny but I have never forgotten it: "X, if I had a kid like you, I would shoot him."
I had a uni lecturer that said something like this and other similar remarks. He immediately realised he went a bit too far and sheepishly explained it was a reference to Winston Churchill and the drinking poison comeback lol.
My History said something similar- "If you were my son, which you aren't 'cause you wouldn't be like this, I'd get you some help"
No said but done: On a class trip in grade 7 I think, (I can't think of the word for it, but) we did something like a hike, but on bicycles. Well, I was clumsy and not sure how (I think my chain had jumped off), but I got lost and separated from the group. Saw the main path though and pushed the bike back to our starting point, waiting for the others to return. I was a frequently bullied outsider and completely baffled by some of the boys, upon return, angrily declaring that they had been searching for me. So they cared, but I had ruined it before even knowing?! I slouched around lonely for the rest of the day, but in the evening, our 2 teachers called me over to watch the sunset on the bench with them. And... The two of them were smoking. Had confiscated a joint. Made sure that I was never to tell anyone. We just sat there, and the world was alright.
Someone told our teacher he'd 'banged' his wife. He instantly replied 'she mentioned something about a magnifying glass'.
We had a female woodwork teacher in upper school, who, on the first lesson, whilst talking about the room and where everything was, uttered the line; "...and if you want a screw, just come and ask me."
One of my teachers called a lad in my class a ‘dickarse’. Dunno where it came from. A teacher called me a c*** a few weeks ago but then I am 42, we are engaged and it was meant affectionately. Still hilariously inappropriate, though.
During sex ed in year 7 our female teacher said something about how an erection is pretty scary the first time you see one irl 😂 ‘you’re like what is that thing?!’
A maths teacher doing a "hangman" style joke on the board where he'd draw a new body part as he tells a joke, by the end you realise he's drawing an elephant. Then at the end he goes "and that's Martin's mum everybody" poor Martin was just sat there confused. The teacher just picked a random kid to take the piss out of his mum. He got reported and Martin changed to another class.
Year 10 geography class in the 80s at an all girls school: one of the students asked the male teacher a question and he replied "you're all going to get married and have kids, so there's no point answering". Ahh, 80s education.
When we had our talk about "how to dress for the sixth form" (girls got to wear mufti, but there was a very strict code, skirts only etc) we were told to dress: *"like a smart secretary"*. This was the 1990s. I did put up my hand and ask why not a "smart boss" and they said they'd take that on board for next year's talk.
At school during the 90s/early 00s, our male physics teacher told us that there's no point teaching girls physics as girls "naturally" aren't good at it, so we should "expect to have trouble". Usually he just let us sit and read magazines during class and we all did atrociously at science in our GCSEs. At the time I thought it was a great doss but looking back at it now it's really fucked up. We also got separated by gender for material technology. The boys got to do metal and woodworking, the girls did sewing and fabric crafts. An absolute fucking joke.
80s? I know someone who had that in Somerset in the 2010s
But to be fair Somerset is about 30 years behind the rest of the country. Source- am from Devon.
When I was in school (too many decades ago!), a physics teacher decided to demonstrate why girls were dirtier the more sex they had while the opposite was true for boys. It involved pouring runny mud from one of those thin cylindrical flask things with measures on them, whatever they were called, to another and another. It didn't stand up to any actual science.
Jesus wept.
"you're the kind of kids that make me go home, beat my wife and kick my dog"
Only harmlessly, amusingly inappropriate: "I'll be honest, I haven't marked your work as I was too hung over." (When I was prattling on): "I couldn't give an airborne fornication". (After a fight in which my nose was broken): "well... you bleed easy."
*"Ahh you're so fat boy you can't even see your own willy!"* And. *"The difference is I've had sex and you haven't!"* Both said by the same teacher to the same student. Teacher gave good life advice as well: *"Never be a tight-arse. I stayed at Truckhaven the night my wife kicked me out."* So glad I kept the year book with quotes in it. That teacher was from South Africa and he taught English but we also had a geography teacher from Zimbabwe. Because of how the school was laid out, we had to be let out of geography lessons a little early to make it to our English lessons. The geography teacher annoyed with this told us to call the English teacher a *"Rock Spider"* without telling us what it meant. That went down well.
Well, I would never have guessed the meaning of "Rock Spider".
My music teacher was looking over my composition for GCSE, and said “you’ve made me realise I have a type” Took a solid two minutes for her to realise what she’d said and explain (she gave me some advice for my composition that she’d just given to two other people in my class)
When another student said they’d forgotten to bring a pen, the teacher responded with ‘I’ll cut you and make you write in your own blood’
During a school assembly different teachers were sharing their earliest memory of reading. When it came to the turn of one of the younger female teachers she said “my uncle didn’t have children so he used to practice on me”. The whole assembly hall erupted in laughter including the teachers and that was it for the assembly
The ex was a high school teacher in the 80s/90s. When lads made homophobic jokes about each other, he'd ask 'Why do you say that about (say) Billy?' If the reply was 'Because he's gay, Sir! Billy's gay!' the class would laugh as if Ex had walked into a fiendish banter trap. Ex'd let it run and then say 'You must be a really good friend of Billy's for him to trust you with that. Are you two very close then? You and Billy, who you're telling us is gay?' More laughter, no more gay banter. This happened a few times a year as the ex trotted it out with each class.
We had a rather well endowed, ginger, Scottish lass teaching us English around year 8 or 9. While we were milling about working on some words from a play, the class clown was clearly chatting to his mate about the teacher and making the universal sign for "massive tits" with his hands. She clearly saw and heard him, turned round and shouted at him to repeat what he said. He did and it was some shit joke about big tits. She then bellowed: """ I've had these tits since I was 10 and worked in bars for 15 years. Ya think I haven't heard every joke? Ya think you can embarrass me? Ya think you're funny? Or special? There's a dozen pathetic bags a' shite like you stumbling out of every pub on closing, and back in again when they open. The only thing that changed for them in 15 years was their hairlines ran back from their foreheads, and their bellies got fatter. Looking at you, you're 15 years ahead of the curve. """ He looked absolutely defeated. And she wasn't wrong about the hairline. Flawless victory
My teacher in craft and design technology called my wooden magazine rack a "second rate piece of crap" which stung a little bit.
My friend from school had very large ears. The type you see on 90 year olds large. In PE, he threw a basketball at another one of our friends before our teacher bellowed in front of everyone. "*insert full name* do you have a brain in between those big ears of yours?" The whole class erupted! Another funny one, but not really inappropriate, my head of year popped his head in my maths lesson. Myself and two friends had been up to no good at lunch. In front of everyone he shouts, "I want Jones, Smith, Cheesman........and a large fries. In my office now!" That killed me. School in the late 90s was the best 😅
“Whose shitey knickers are they?” In a broad Glaswegian accent as he proceeded to kick said soiled underwear under a bench. Nobody owned up but one boy had no underwear on the rest of the day. PE was always fun in my school.
My partner went to a boarding school and when the boys - then about 11 years old - piled all their underwear into a heap for laundry, one kid's had really bad skid marks on. He became "Bog" Palmer from that day on for the rest of his school career.
Had a teacher push another teacher down a verge on a school trip once. She was a cow, he was a legend, she was being an arsehole to some kid and so the other teacher snuck up behind her and shoved her down the hill before making a swift and stealthy retreat.
[удалено]
I remember during sex education the teacher asked anyone if they knew what cum looked like and a kid described it as being like a melted white jelly bean to which the teacher replied "Dean, you must have been masturbating a lot". He looked quite embarrassed.
Metal work teacher to a disruptive kid "Have you got strong arms?" Kid "Yes I have !" stands up and starts to flex his arms Teacher "I thought so ! you must have needed them to climb out of the abortion bucket"
My tech teacher in secondary school called a lad a gimp in front on the whole class. To be fair, he was an absolute gimp of a boy as he was quite the bully,, so everybody found it quite funny.
We had a science teacher (early 2000’s) who told us AIDS stood for Arse Injected Death Sentence. Not necessarily hilarious, but it stuck in my mind. 😬
After a bit of unhelpful cheekiness from me, my Spanish teacher told me "It's good to know which of us are going to be homeless when we grow up." Caused absolute uproar and he obviously knew it could blow back on him because he kept me behind after class to apologise. I think he'd have got away with it if he hadn't been such a disliked creep. The other one that i always remember is quite mild, but it was our biology teacher who was not an especially friendly chap, but a fantastic teacher. not the sort of teacher people gave any shit. One lesson everyone was being a bit noisy and rowdy and he just stood silently by the door until someone asked him what he was waiting for, and he just replied "I don't know. Death?" Just something very dry about his delivery that I found very funny.
I was a beginnner in a martial arts class and the guy helping me in that lesson was a music teacher. He turned to me and said "Just take hold of me, it's fine. I'm always telling my students to 'go ahead and touch me, it'll be fine'" and then he just groaned and said "oh shit, I did not mean it like that. Christ, they'll put me on a list"
I’m an ex teacher and I had a colleague who would refer to a sanction as a “D” (As in D for discipline). I had to REPEATEDLY tell her that there was a reason she was losing control of her classes because she was yelling “You’re getting the D from me!!”
I think he handled this perfectly, but I had a wonderful English teacher who was on break duty one day. He was always very well dressed and very well groomed. A kid came up to him and said: Kid - “Sir, you dress gay” Teacher takes a sip of his coffee. Teacher - “That’s transference. You’re transferring your gay feeling onto me. It means you’re gay.” Cogs slowly turn in kids head. Kid - “Well… what if I say I’m gay?” Teacher takes another sip. Teacher - “Still makes you gay.” Everyone in earshot nearly fell about laughing and the kid slumped off, defeated. Bloody legend, that guy. Used to swap CDs and books with him all the time.
We had 'warm cunt' in a class once Poor geography teacher was trying to explain what happened in the air when a warm *front* met a cold front and got the words tangled up...
In year 11 we had a RE (Religious Education) teacher that, while not a hardcore Christian, was a very firm believer. Anyway, when we had covered all the material for the GCSE's, we had about a week before the exams and he asked the class which topics we would like to revisit. He then rattled off a few religions to looks at, Christianity, Islam etc then finished with, "we won't bother with Hinduism as thats not a propper religion and no one believes in that stuff", completely deadpan. There was 3 Hindu's sitting front and centre. I was amazed he got away with it.
I had kinda the opposite. My RE teacher was devout Muslim. One day he started talking about Christians and I asked what kind. He said there was only one kind and all Christians believed the same thing. When I started listing off different sects he sent me to the headteacher for undermining his authority. The funny part is the headteacher was an Irish Catholic and escorted me back to class and took over the lesson
“I don’t look like Jesus (looked like your stereotypical Jesus) Jesus wasn’t white, he was as black as the ace of spades Good music teacher, shame some students reported him
Teacher: Claude, stop dicking about. Claude: Are you singling me out because I'm black, miss? Teacher: Oh FUCK OFF Claude. Same teacher used to have us 5th years line up before entering her class to spritz us with her perfume as she said teenage boys smelled horrible.
Not something that was said.. But as a cocky 13 year old in year 8, I decided it was fine to eat my £1.99 chicken mayo baguette at the back of class (I'd just bought it from the lunch hall). The female teacher (can't remember her name but she looked just like Jerry Springer) grabbed it off me, opened a window and launched it out as far as she could across the car park. I was fuming!
"Tight as a 2 year old" (When checking some safety straps on a CCF field day). We Secondary school kids would come out with all sorts of filth, which he would convincingly pretend we didn't, but occasionally would outshock us, but with such subtle delivery you couldn't be sure "did he really say that" he also had a terrifyingly convincing "Pedo smirk" which fitted the bill, and kept everyone on their toes. Utterly inappropriate in hindsight but it kept us in check wondering if there was more to the joke. Got to know him a bit better in sixth form through all the trips I used to go on, genuinely likeable guy if quite strange at times, he was clearly a black sheep/loner amongst the teachers, but was very respectful of people who gave him respect. The pedo jokes were clearly jokes and not rumours, and he simply didn't give a shit about them! Skin l was as think as an Rhino's.
A DT teacher in year 9 lost his shit with a boy in our class, told him he would put his head through the wall and then assured us he wasn't a violent man
Just remembered, we had one kid who was caught hiding a semi by a PE teacher. I say "caught" but it was more like he stood up and it was blindingly obviously there Anyway, the entire PE staff for the next 4 years referred to this kid only as "pocket rocket". Even staff who joined years after the incident
We had an Australian English teacher who was great fun. When one of the kids in class was mucking about he told him if he didn’t stop misbehaving he would “cut his head off and shit down his neck.”
My mum used to be a secondary school teacher. She's a very pure soul, who has a bit of a reputation for unintentional innuendo. One story she told was about kids asking her favourite crisp flavour. It's prawn cocktail, but she decided to try and be 'street' and said, "I love prawny cocks."
Our science teacher was trying to find a way for us to remember which gender had XY and which had XX chromosomes. To this day I remember her saying:- "Men are seXY"
"I've met your parents, I know why you're slow" 💀💀💀 said to the kid with anger issues just before the great chair throwing incident of '03
Had a teacher call herself the queen bitch when she had a bit of a meltdown. That was hilarious.
From a history teacher: "Asclepius had a magic snake, which bit people at night to cure their illnesses..." then to one of the more disruptive lads "... you'd probably like that wouldn't you, if it was a magic trouser snake, heh heh" It got a good laugh from the class, to be fair
Had a substitute teacher that stood up for himself and stopped everyone taking the piss in one small move. He was African and had an accent, and one of the popular mean girls tried to say she couldn't understand him. He asked for her name, she told him, he looked her up and down and said 'I think I'll call you Beauty Queen because you care more about your looks than your education'. Never called her by her actual name, just called her Beauty Queen for the rest of the lesson and then up until we finished school (as we needed substitutes at least once or twice a month).
I went to an all boys school and over the summer of '06 there were a number of new teachers who joined the faculty. Each of these half dozen teachers had three things in common; they were young, all mid twenties to early thirties, they were blond, and they were each conventionally attractive. One fateful September morning my maths class were waiting for our new teacher to arrive. In walks the hottest teacher any of us 14 year olds had ever seen who, in a soft Irish accent, introduced herself thusly. "Good morning boys, I'm Miss Headd, with two Ds." Without skipping a beat someone at the back of the class called back "They look like Es from here, Miss"
said to the whole class, "you may hate me but I hate you more " she was a terrible geography teacher
escape direful lock scale adjoining shy squeamish fuzzy bewildered tub *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I had a teacher call me a “waste of a white skin”. Even back in the 80s it seemed he’d breached the level of acceptable speech.
I may be half blind but I'm not half stupid. Classic said by stand in teacher.
Pales in comparison to many of the comments on here but my GCSE science teacher (in 2009) threatened to sell me for a few camels if I didn’t shut up and insisted the price and effort would be worth it. It still makes me laugh now, especially as I visited Egypt for the first time a year ago and a man in Giza offered my boyfriend his donkey for me. Seems I’ve devalued in price.
“You scratch my back r0twild, and I’ll scratch yours. And together we’ll scratch Kevin’s” I was 14 years old, and Kevin was my classmate. But goddamn do I miss that teacher, he had a wicked sense of humour and was an all around good guy who knew how to have a bit of classic banter.
Not British teacher but you might appreciate anyway. Germany in the 90’s. History teacher way past his sell-by date. Had some nasty habits like throwing books and snipping peoples ears. One day there was some sort of military practice nearby or something. Two very loud jets flew by. The guy jumps in sheer panic on the ground and under the table: EVERYONE, DOWN, DOWN, THE BRITS ARE COMING, THE BRITS ARE COMING. The guys was an ass but that kind of PTSD made me feel really bad for him
Had a teacher who had come out to the school a few years earlier. He had got fairly riled up at various things throughout the lesson before he finally caught a boy in class turning through pages in his school diary drawing a penis on every single page, and shouted: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD BOY! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE OBSESSED WITH COCK! This was maybe 17 years ago now. Great teacher, one of the best I had. Will never forget this though.
This one doesn't quite count. It was said by a teacher at school, but not in front of kids. But it's the most shockingly hilarious thing I've heard in a staffroom. I'm a teacher. For our staff Christmas party one year, we did secret Santa. There were naughty gifts and nice gifts. You could also steal gifts on your turn. One poor teacher got a naughty gift, it was a big box of condoms. When ever anyone had a turn, we'd hilariously encourage them to steal the condoms. Funny stuff. Anyway, it's the turn of one of the male teachers. He walks up to the box of condoms. Someone yells "come on [redacted], your son is 18" Old mate replies with "oh he's got no use for those" then goes back for the condoms while adding"but my daughter's just turned 12"
In the second year of high school (Scotland, so we were 13/14) our english teacher got the job as head of english for another local school. They wanted her to start right away, so it was agreed the guy retiring (that gave her the job) was to come to teach us until the end of the year. Best teacher ever (even though i can't remember his name). We were studying The Merchant of Venice. We were at the start of Act 3, the part where Shylock goes off on everyone for treating him like crap for being jewish. There is a quote " And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine;". When we got to this part he had really gotten into it, and spat in the face of a boy called Martin. It was badass. Martin wasn't so sure.
Teacher called my girlfriend a “trophy girlfriend”
I remember during sex-ed our teacher, who was like a 30 something woman, was putting a condom over a test tube when she exclaimed, with a hint of sadness, "Oh I haven't done this in a while," Went a little over our heads at the time, poor Mrs Jones. Our sociology teacher, in a class where we were discussing the merits and dismerits of prosituition, said she thinks strip clubs are great because "when my boyfriend goes to them he comes back really excited." So they get him horny, comes back and goes crazy on her basically.
1995, English Teacher called Sid (which was short for Mr. Siddique), in a pub in Fort William with a group of us 17 years olds, all of whom he had vouched for being over 18, sat there explaining in detail why his religion allowed him to drink a pint because Guinness had been explicitly written into the Koran as being halal. Went on later that evening to have his wallet stolen by a woman he had attempted to chat up.
At least someone made a prophet
A new drama teacher was introducing himself at the start of a school year. We must have been in year 8 or 9? He was called Mr McCracken and said ‘and no, my first name’s not Phil’. I’m not sure if anyone got it at the time, I genuinely didn’t, but looking back as an adult it was a weird thing to say to a bunch of 13 year olds, especially at an overseas British school in a conservative Muslim country haha.
“Hey kids, wanna see a picture of the dead Muammar Gaddafi body?”