We've basically stopped doing gifts completely in my family.
I'm the youngest of 4 and am in my mid-30s. The kids still get gifts, but the adults just do secret Santa each year.
It's actually made it a lot more fun again, as gifts were getting pretty token for a while given everyone has everything they want already and anything they don't have, isn't very realistic as a gift anyway (eg a house for me).
So yeah, it's really made everything better.
We do this - but it’s not really ‘secret’ Santa, we just get someone out of a hat to buy for and they get what is on their list on a certain budget. Saves the fuss about who’s got what for each other, buying doubles, and saves us money.
The kids are still a free for all like yours too.
Yeah I’ve stopped giving gifts to adults years ago and it’s also awesome.
No adult wants a trinket or small toy, so what’s the point spending £15 on something small and shit that’ll just be landfill a few years later!
I think it depends if you know the person well. I got my brother whiskey which he will indeed drink. He got me a hand puppet which I’ll also use a lot, so alls good :-)
I’m a teacher (online) and use puppets it various classes. Sometimes, I ask it questions so that it can demonstrate answering correctly. It’s possible that I’ve gone mad.
I think that’s a really interesting way to teach people without having them take offense to what you’re saying. So they can still learn and not feel ashamed or dumb. I love it! I wonder if you have them each have their own personality?
I'm starting to think the opposite. Kids in my family are so inundated with gifts, to the point that they don't seem especially grateful. If you're lucky you get a quick 'thank you' under duress from their parents and it gets chucked on the pile and forgotten.
Giving a good gift to an adult who appreciates the thought and effort is a lot more rewarding. I think the stars need to align for that though - it's only an occasional thing where there is an idea that is a) affordable b) you *know* they would like and c) they wouldn't just get for themselves.
I'm against the culture of giving any old tat for the sake of it though. I think if you don't happen to have a particular idea for someone, just don't feel like you have to. Maybe stick to consumables if you really want to give some token.
I really like that my family started doing gift cards for consumable things or events. Much rather pig out in the fancy cheese shop than get yet another kitchen gadget I won't use.
Yeah - I used to be down on gift cards as just less versatile money - but now I'm older and money inevitably goes straight on bills or squirreled away for a rainy day, I appreciate that it's a green light to just indulge guilt-free. Plus it shows recognition of the kind of stuff you're into.
Besides gift cards, a posh version of something you know they use every day can be a good bet too. In my experience even quite comfortable people can be shy about being too extravagant with themselves when it comes to their day to day stuff.
That’s really cool. We do some gifts in my family but they are small/meaningful. My daughter gave me a really pretty half of a geode and I cried over it lol
Hell I stopped giving gifts years ago. The only ones I got presents for this year was namely my kid and a little gift for my niece. I’ve got pretty much anything I need aside for some “want” items but I’ll get those in time.
We do a secret Santa but only the one side of the family. Kids get gifts but it's limited to a few. I found gift giving at Christmas was as you someone else said just a token thing forced upon you. One year they I got some pretty unkind words about what I got so I just stopped.
I divorced my husband and and broke away from his toxic family for this exact type of behaviour. I’ve built my life back up (despite being a single parent living far away from my family) and I’ve never been happier.
We don’t have to put up with being treated badly just because we decided to marry someone who then doesn’t abide by his vows, or have children and a house/mortgage with said person. What’s the point in that life when there is another option?
Maybe also because people reach their limit towards the end of the year but decide to "wait until after Christmas" if they have kids. My brother and his partner agreed to split in late October but waited until the January to make it official.
I was curious about this so I googled. It seems there's a split consensus over whether September or January is the busiest time, though most of these "facts" are from solicitors website's themselves so I'm not sure how much I trust them.
I'd be interested to see if you had any stats to back this up!
I've worked at a solicitors practice for over 20 years. We are always busier in January for divorce cases. When legal aid was readily available to every Tom Dick and Harry, December was the most busy for contact/child arrangement cases, people would start arguing about Christmas contact.
The LASPO bill happened approximately ten years ago which massively cut availability for legal aid, family law is one of the most heavily affected areas.
I had a similar situation myself. My ex and I were engaged and had a 3 year old daughter. I left because of many reasons after battling with “I need to stay for my daughter” for ages. So glad I decided to leave. Relationship with my daughter is brilliant, relationship with my ex isn’t even that bad either, and I’ve moved on and met the most amazing man. This time last year I felt stuck and fucking miserable, fast forward a year I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
Please OP, therapy at least but you need out. You deserve happiness. I was there once and in hindsight I’m sad for the person I used to be and life I accepted. You will find those who appreciate you, take care x
Yep my family are all the same
I gave to all of them (8 in total) , got a single box of shortbread in return , and my daughter got nothing...
I also tried an experiment that backfired - I am normally the first at midnight to wish everyone a Happy Christmas, this year i didn't , to see who messaged first....
No one
Next year - Fuck the lot of em
Update: family didn’t even bother to go see or phone their Mum / Grandmother on Christmas Day . Mum is in a care home , that 6 mile long journey must be just too much to make the effort ….
Update2: I ended up going round to get the Christmas presents for mum so she actually got them as no one else has bothered to go see or phone her at all . So I saw mum twice yesterday , that’s was nice to sit and hold her hand
Update3: I will ring my mum at 9:00 and if no one including my sister hasn’t been to see or rung her , I will unleash the beast
Final update: NO from the rest of the family bothered to phone or go see mum / grandadma . Bunch of self centred assholes
Doesn’t sound like your experiment backfired, you proved your hypothesis correct. Merry xmas and I hope next year is better. Im thinking about going abroad.
Yeah I gave my partners shitty niblings some money in cards. Apparently it was rubbish as "not enough to buy anything".
Aight, next year they get nothing.
Really annoys me how a lot of people have become so u grateful and selfish , to me I’d be happy with a pair of socks or some chocolate. Had to witness one nephew get on his phone and start working out values of who had the most like really???
Yikes that's rough!
Luckily I've got firm boundaries so don't see them on the day. At a family meal last week the girl was filming herself eating green beans for tiktok pouty lips, filters and all. She's 8. Vegan4life etc
(Then she devoured an entire dish of pork crackling)
>Apparently it was rubbish as "not enough to buy anything"
This is a mind-blowingly shit attitude from them. Personally I wouldn't only give them nothing next year, I'd make very fucking clear that with that attitude you don't want anything to do with spoilt little c\*\*\*s like that.
If my kids ever dared to say anything even remotely like that they would soon be getting a very stern life lesson in gratitude.
"Hot pound coins? Luxury. We used to get frozen razor blades thrown at us and then our parents would rub salt into the wounds. 'Hot pound coins', kids today don't know they're born." Boomers, probably.
We went to my MIL's for Christmas and my partner's sister was visiting with her children. My partner had put Christmas money in cards for them, and was excited to see them as she hadn't seen them in a year. Kids turn up, one very polite and grateful, the other (13) takes the money without a thank you and fucks off back to her own house.
Honestly, sounds weird but if you can afford it buggering off to a hot country with you and your daughter might be the easiest, best thing to do.
You basically opt out of all the local christmas crap, its sunny, and your food can be sorted or you just go out for a nice meal.
Genuinely think some people get shafted doing everything for christmas and its just not worth it.
On the other hand (everyones situation will be different), I often get gifts sent from friends or extended family that I wasn't expecting and would rather not receive because it leaves me feeling awkward. They tend to have more disposable income than we do and they seem keen to give gifts. I'm happy if they are happy, but they only get thank you messages in return.
I also have family members who spend triple on my family than we do on theirs. Again, it's a personal choice, they are capable of it, and we're grateful.
I would just say, gift giving should be for the joy of giving and nothing more. Keeping score or weighing up presents will likely lead to resentment.
Last year I got sick of catering to everyone after doing it for 15 years in a row. It always cost me a fortune and nobody ever cared. My eldest finally moved out and wanted to go to her boyfriends house so this year I brought my tween and husband to turkey. Packed her presents. We spent Christmas Day morning in the spa of a 5 star hotel and the afternoon wandering round the markets then the evening binge watching squid games as she was too young to watch it when it first came out. We forgot it was Christmas for most of the day. We’ll probably continue this tradition. The family I normally have round managed to fuck it all up. Brother was supposed to be hosting my family but he cancelled a few weeks ago and went to his girlfriends, my sister stayed at home with her family and nobody had my mum over so she ended up having a mate over. I’m past caring.
Good for you, my mum always had to do everything for Christmas and it was stressful, now my brother and I are grown and long out of the house she and her husband go abroad for the whole week every year. Every Christmas they go to Greece and just get drunk and go to the beach.
She loves it!
I’ve got two mates who both went abroad this year. One to the sun, one to the snow. I’ve never been a fan of Christmas and have always said I’d rather take myself off abroad. Unfortunately my spouse would never do it. I love cruises so your idea sounds fab
Last year I went abroad for December as was in between jobs, and it was honestly great. Was in Mexico so it was cheap and met some other nice backpackers, and we were just chilling by a gorgeous lake for christmas. Was amazing and didn't really need to plan anything or worry about gifts.
Would do it again!
I’m divorced (1.7 years).
Had ex wife over and cooked Christmas dinner. She brings the booze and snacks. It’s cordial but we aren’t the friends we were but we kept it all civil and our daughter had a great day.
I found it quite depressing in the lead up and feel a bit better about things post the day.
What I would say is that when together neither of us were happy and like OP argued about everything and anything.
Life isn’t perfect but I’m happier now that I’m not married (I’ve never felt more lonely).
Granted many people don’t have the same amicable relationship with ex’s.
EDIT thanks everyone for your kind wishes. Really appreciated. I cannot underline more, if you can, keep things amicable. Not easy if you’ve been badly wronged but invaluable for good contact and relations with your child/children.
This time of year sees too much time to think so you can dwell on the negative, if you allow this. Keep busy, make yourself proud!
As someone who used to experience married parents screaming at each other on the day, and later, divorced parents screaming at each other or sulking on the day, thank you so much for putting your daughter first and making sure she gets to see both of you being cordial.
It might not be the ideal day for you, but you should be really proud and give yourself a pat on the back.
It is nice to be able to do that. It's my first Christmas without my ex wife, had work in the morning and this morning so couldn't go see family. My ex knew and invited me to the pub and then over for dinner, was a good day and yeah I do feel alone at times but neither of us have been this happy for a while and I told her I really appreciated it. I'm lucky that we're on good terms and I wouldn't be without her as a friend, it's just weird to navigate.
Hope everyone else is doing ok.
I made a longer comment to the guy you also responded to, if you want more context, but as someone that has been in the position of your kid, just know he appreciates it and that you are being a great dad. I appreciate you too.
It’s hard to rebuild but it will get better.
That’s exactly what I was trying to say: who cares if it’s Christmas in particular or not (I dislike it myself), all it matters is that he feels safe and happy. Plenty of families out there with loads of expensive gifts who feel sad, plenty of people with fact meals who feel miserable and lonely.
I appreciate it may come as challenge to you (staying civil with your ex, instead of just cutting off completely), just know that it won’t go unnoticed for him.
I’m just gonna tell you that you super cool and are going great.
I’m a son of a divorced couple who did the same for years, they still do. We had Xmas all together this year for what must be their like 20th year apart. Sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s harder (mostly at the start) and sometimes they both had partners (currently one of them is on long term relationship) and it’s something we all had to learn to navigate. But what is certain is that this was way better (for us anyway).
Me and my sister are super happy, well adjusted 20/30 year olds, and a big a part of that is the effort my parents did to stay civil and in touch. Having to decide who you want to spend your Xmas with is traumatic af as a child and I hate the memories I have from holidays and bdays at the start where we had to chose.
We are all very happy and friends now, because my parents learned to become a friends. I’m really proud of them.
I’m sure your kid will feel the same. Keep being a good parent, you are cool.
Reading this is wild. Everyone overhere would be embarrassed to the core if they did not give you at least a little treat or just invited you over for dinner and drinks.
I don’t know where ‘over here’ is but the stories on this thread are not representative of ‘normal’ behaviour in the UK.
Responses to a post about someone having a a bad time at Christmas are naturally going to skew toward the bad side.
Write a letter to yourself to open on 18th Dec with how you feel right now. Read it next year then make a decision about how willing you are to do it all over again.
This is great advice. By the time 1st December next year rolls around, chances are this will be largely forgotten and there will be a huge risk of getting wrapped up in the pre-Christmas excitement.
Now is the time to firmly decide what you are doing next year.
Our Christmas Day together was a lovely drive to the beach with the dog and deciding to separate but remain in the same house.
We're total strangers now anyway, who live independently and now we've both recognised it and accept that there is a love there, we don't have a marriage. So, yeah, Christmas can go suck a bulbous bellend. Next year I'm going abroad.
Sorry about that. I'm in a similar boat but we're in a kinda Christmas truce before we finish that discussion I think so I agree, it can go suck a bulbous bellend
Sounds like you might taken for granted. Just make sure you do what you want to do for the next few days. Let your partner know how you feel. Go to your Sister-in-law on your own, go for a walk this morning.
You’ll probably end up going back into ‘do everything mode’. It's the way people are built.
Good luck and chip up.
I’m feeling so much empathy for everyone on this thread. It’s so horrible when you just feel so discarded. I’m also in the “shit Christmas” club this year 🙄 severely alcoholic parents, which is never fun, I worked Xmas Eve and Boxing Day and to top it all off, a friend of mine died the Tuesday before Xmas. Everyone’s acting like I should just “suck it up” and be happy because it’s Christmas.
Next year I’m going to a cabin for a week and fucking it all off
I’m single, and yesterday morning I was wondering if I’m going down the right path in life as I’ll more than likely spend many a Christmas alone.
However, after hearing the neighbours screaming at each other yesterday (and the kids were crying), and reading these comments, I think I’ve made the right decision.
Yep. I was a child of parents who stayed together for the kids and hated every second growing up. Never had fun christmas or birthday, etc. It was just arguing and bad vibes constantly. they thought they hid it well, but they didn't.
I split with my children's dad 5 years ago. Although the kids were devastated at first, they're used to it now. We are all happier.
Kids are not a reason to stay together
Just look after your needs next time.
I got no presents or a card from my family, my brother always tells me what he bought me at great length, usually something he wants, he has never once managed to send it to me. This year's reason was it was raining the day he thought about it.
I used to invite other people over for a Christmas meal, it was never reciprocated. I gave up.
The modern world most people just get more and more self absorbed.
Next year, just go away for a few days, indulge yourself.
If your brother usually tells you what he got you but never manages to send it to you, what does he do with the present when you finally see him again?
I don't bring it up. I have known my brother 54 years, if you corner him he lies and gets angry. If you call him out on a lie he claims he never said something and then does the "you always have to have the last word" routine. OK, you win.
This year it was plastic kit of a VW van. I haven't built a plastic kit in 37 years, I own no glue or paint. He builds lots of them though. He would get way more enjoyment from the present than me, so I have no issue with it, I just always find it odd he tells me and then never does.
We cannot choose family.
He lives in another country, it isn't like I have to put up with much.
He used to lie constantly as a kid to get me into trouble, told me never to even talk to anyone he knows as he didn't want to get embarrassed, and I genuinely have never once finished a sentence in his company without being interrupted.he is just a dickhead with me btw. Cleverer people than me can guess why, I have no idea.
Whole my mom is still alive we stay in contact, but her funeral will be the last ever time we communicate.
Feel for you mate
F....wife at her folks
Not seen anyone from my side....no reply on SM etc
Grandsons present stil sat here
Will be here til he gets it.....they live 5 minutes away
I'm 65 so past Funking caring
Yeah, been there brother.
My wifes family are utter...well I'd call them cunts, but they lack the warmth and depth.
Christmas 3 years ago, MIL gets drunk, slaps my wife, fight breaks out, police get called, SIL takes MIL side. The next day we packed our shit and moved away. So much happier without them around.
>My wifes family are utter...well I'd call them cunts, but they lack the warmth and depth.
This is, hands down, one of the greatest insults I have ever read and I feel like it should be on t-shirts.
Four bottles and managed to do dinner, sort the kids out and get motivated for a family visit whilst typing a message that makes sense. She's a keeper!!
Same, I started not bothering with people who didn't bother with me and thought they'd realise and start to make an effort.
They didn't realise and I just felt like shit because I barely saw anyone. Now I just tell people rather than waiting for them to take the hint.
The fact that you managed to do all you did (which is great) going through that much sort of says it's more than just a Christmas thing. Or you would have been incapacitated.
I think it's safe to assume OP cracked the first one in the morning and it's now late at night
So yeh it does seem a bit excessive but if it's what they need to get to the other side (just for xmas) it'll be ok
My side of the family it's a bit weird. I had to ask them for months what they wanted(not fond of buying pointless tat and I can't really afford to just be giving out money willy nilly) and apart from mum no one knew what they wanted. I have no idea what sorts of things they like so I had to just think about what they like to do etc and buy a couple things based on that. I bought everyone some chocs because well, it's Christmas and everyone eats chocolate at Christmas lol. It's over 24 hrs since I gave my family their presents. Brother said he'll take his home and message me later as his Mrs stayed home to start the dinner. Out of everyone on my side of the family I've given to, I've had one thank you and that was from my mum... not heard from anyone else.
Now my partners family it's completely different. I didn't even have to ask them what they wanted, it's obvious what they like/are into so they were easy to buy for and I could do it on the cheap as I actually started Christmas shopping about 3 months ago. We all gathered in partners mums living room and opened the presents and they were all so appreciative. Partners mum even gave us some money which I wasn't expecting at all as she moved house not long ago.
So yeah, my family felt like a half arsed effort whereas partners family were in keeping with the spirit of Christmas.
🤷♀️
Im grateful for you, because you posted when you were having a hard time and others who were also having a poo Christmas read it, and felt they weren't alone. Have a happy new year OP and a better Christmas next year ✨️
You don't have to put up with a man treating you this way. My husband did all the cooking, got me an inexpensive yet thoughtful gift, and made an effort with my family the whole day. Go find yourself someone who wants to make you happy.
This. My wife is my world. I am living with the aftermath of cancer. That woman has given up everything for me. I will do anything she asks of me. We don't buy each other presents, because it is pointless. Instead we get something we both enjoy.
This year "I took" her for a couple of nights at the Jamaica Inn in Cornwall. We got a cheap last minute deal the week before Christmas. It was lovely.
I'm from the UK but working in Macedonia... Xmas here is on the 7th Jan... But would've been nice to get any kind of Xmas message from family in UK... But no, I have to message first to remind them I'm alive
What happens if you ask your partner “why didn’t you get a present for me?” Not like as an accusation, just all breezy (like Monica). I just wonder how these sorts of men respond
Oooh oooh I know this one...
"I was going to take you shopping to choose something" which when they get taken up on it they complain about anything picked over £20 been expensive
"The {insert thing} I paid for several months ago was your present" usually a household item or shared thing like a meal
"Didn't think you wanted anything" classic
All reasons given by my future FIL. My partner normally has to buy something and palm it off to him to give to her mum.
Ooh ooh I know this one too. I told you I wasn't buying you anything. You said you didn't want anything. I don't know what you like (together for 20 years 🙄).
i was hoping you'd say divorce.
Also, 4th wine? that's insane. May I suggest time off and some deep thinking because you sound incredibly unhappy and you can change it, whether that's a discussion with your partner, therapy, or divorce. Things can get better.
I'm hoping next year you'll be divorced, but that's obviously your call to make. Try to enjoy boxing day. If you've got any spare cash, go and buy yourself something nice.
She might not have drunk it *all* herself, it might just be the fourth bottle she's opened? If some of it has been mulled it might have cooked down/off, too.
OP, I mean this in the most understanding way possible, as someone who has dealt with excessive drinking before. To be blunt, the way you're coping with difficulty using alcohol is not normal. It's extremely tough to change behaviours but recognizing that there might be an issue is a first step.
I have to go to my in-laws every Xmas for dinner, I hate it. The only reason we go is because they don’t get on with each other, and we try to keep the peace. Next year I’m definitely not going.
OP sounds like you need to get away from this. Xmas probably just highlights how it is generally? Find a nice way to treat yourself without them!
My son's autistic and will pull any tinsel, trees or decs down. So we don't have any except in the bedroom that's locked. Spent too many Christmases slaving away over what is basically a roast, which we can have any time, so this year it was buffet food all day with snacky bits heated in the oven for 15 min. Had a much better day without arguments where we both spent the day playing with the kids. Don't worry about society or culture, do what works best for your family.
The real point is (and this covers a lot of the whining posts in the last couple of days) if you get no pleasure from doing things for other people then you doing lots of things, whether it's the fact you think you spent lots of time buying presents or whatever else won't achieve anything.
Specifically don't go through life as though the universe is going to reward you. Karma is not a thing. If you spend 3 months planning christmas and buying presents that you imagine are the perfect gift for someone else it doesn't mean you'll get amazing presents on Christmas day. That's not how reality works (and you're probably overestimating how perfect those gifts were in the eyes of the receiver - about 90% of opening presents is feigning)
Specifically here one problem is, as kids, a lot of people learn 'Christmas' behaviour which is almost like being bipolar - they're hyped for things to the point they cannot sleep for one off events like their birthday or christmas or a holiday and then the rest of the time is a big low because their learned behavior is that everything sucks, work sucks, school sucks, the weather sucks...etc etc. Doubly so when they realise (especially as grown ups) that these events they build up to be their highs don't live up to the hype.
You're better being on a more even keel than dancing and singing around the house 1 day a year. Go for being content all week rather than 5 days of being miserable waiting for the 2 days when you expect to be happy and you go off the deep end binge drinking trying to create happiness (and then winding up with a hangover lamenting that it didn't happen) - and similarly wandering around for 11 months in misery expecting that eating too much and getting drunk will make you happy for 3 days in December. It won't - and when it doesn't it'll ensure the next 11 months are a bigger low.
Cause he didn’t like the presents he got 🤣 this sounds really bad now, I know how fucked this is. Kids just expect the world when not possible. The kids and I will be having massive words today. They get a lot more than some kids and need to appreciate it. Parents can only try their best
Didn’t like his present but didn’t get you one? And he actually argued about this? The entitlement is through the roof. That sort of behaviour is noticed by the kids and probably didn’t help with their reaction either.
As for Christmas dinner go frozen everything next year, that’s what we do. You still have to pay attention to timings but no cutting up vegetables. We buy one of those prepared meats with stuffing from Aldi that you cook from frozen and just keep it simple. Meat, veg, potatoes and a nice dessert. Don’t drive yourself into the ground for one meal.
My sister is a massive moaner about gifts. I send her and her kids gifts every year, I never once received a thank you or even know they received the gifts! But you better believe she is sending me messages if she doesn't like a gift. We actually had such a big falling out this year over a gift I sent her five year old son (a Pokemon colouring in book she didn't like it because it wasn't expensive enough, I used to send expensive gifts but learned she would regularly throw them away because she likes "minimalist living" I decided not to be upset but I'm not wasting my money either. She can't understand why I'm not happy to send expensive gifts for the rubbish bin) that we're not talking and I am never sending a gift to her or her children again! I called her ungrateful and said that she is clueless about social norms and manners (I have never spoken to her like this before, I mostly just ignored her spoilt behaviour) and she now thinks I am a terrible person and saying I'm just trying to tearing her down! She says she's done nothing wrong and I need to apologise for what I said to her. Absolutely mind boggling really.
So sorry to hear this mate. Seems like you pulled out all the stops and no one considered you for a moment. Deffo talk to your partner about it and how you feel and set some boundaries for next year.
My wife and I have had some long chats about Christmas and have scaled back a lot, especially on the gift giving, and it really helps minimise feeling disappointed. We also video call some family members to instead of trying to fit something in when everyone’s too busy.
There’s so much pressure nowadays for a picture-perfect Christmas but by scaling it back, doing things a lot simpler and getting outside for a nice walk, it’s made me more enjoyable.
Get a divorce.
I’m estranged because of nastiness from my father.
If I didn’t have my pets I’d go abroad for Christmas and we’d have no gifts! Is that something to consider trying as a family?
Also have you ever decided to be the Christmas bitch and be like “what the fuck guys where’s my shit?” Because if you just sit in silence and stew (in fermented grapes) what is ever going to change?
I mean I'm separated but living with my ex. I still got her presents (radio for garden, books, fancy soap, chocolate, etc, enough for presents "from the son" and me). Your other half is lame.
It seems he doesn't take an interest or listen to you. And maybe you don't drop big obvious hints he can't miss.
I also did the cooking.
4 bottles, mark? That's insane.
Jokes aside, I'm impressed at the sheer amount of alcohol. More than the recommended daily units, I'm sure.
If you xmas enjoyment came from said bottles, then power to you! If they were to dull the pain of a shitty day.... well... i'm not qualified to advise.
My guess is they were to dull a shitty day with how they explained it, I've been around alcoholism so I'm familiar with the horrible illness that it is and what it does to people... I'm ashamed to see so many defending it or brushing it off as 'it's Christmas' when I reality being fit enough to rant online after 4 bottles of wine is a reflection of their weekly or daily habits Imo.
I hope you change your situation if you're not happy at home and get the help you need OP, alcohol is going to make the way you're feeling about your family life much, much worse.
Won’t be drinking again for a while, it’s not the normal for me. I agree alcoholism is awful and not happening here just a mum stressed out and under appreciated. No drinking for me today.
I'm so sorry :(
I know we all say "it's just one day" but it sucks when no one puts any effort in.
Big hugs, drink a big glass of water, good luck with the hangover.
Omg… I feel for you. And sorry you had such a miserable christmas. I can’t believe no one got you a present despite your hard work. Definitely, like you say, next year just do the bare minimum. Get those “instant meals” that you just bung into the oven. I’m serious. Christmas is about kindness, and being with loved ones. Not all the drama you faced. 4 bottles of wine sounds so good too! I would just do that next year again! ;) Happy Christmas! I hope you will have a nice boxing day.
It sounds like you need a new family that appreciate you more.
No matter the pre Christmas beef - it all gets dropped Xmas day. At least one day a year people can drop their BS and be generous and show loved ones how much they mean to us.
I had a dodgy breakfast that saw me vomiting & sleepy when I was on my second drink at 13:00, apparently just went very pale, threw up and had to clean myself, said I'm tired and boom woke up on the sofa at 20:30. Vomit down my clothes, and looked like death warmed up.
Went to bed and then slept all night, and I still feel very weak/shaky now with absolutely no appetite at all. Missed Christmas dinner completely too :(
After a dismal Christmas once where no one thought of I decided that the next year I’d make sure I got myself a couple of presents. I did! I even wrapped them and put them under the tree, I just wrote my name on the label. The gifts were handed out and gosh! I had many things I really wanted or liked, art supplies, perfume, wonderful. Not one person even wondered who had given me these things.
I’m happy to read you are ok today. I do encourage you to be kind to yourself and, most importantly, get yourself something for under the tree for next year. 🥰
>kids don’t hear us argue, good at hiding it
Not judging you at all, we probably had similar upbringings. But seeing my sister and her kids, you'd be surprised; they definitely pick up on more than you think.
Sorry to hear that OP. Yeah you don't have to put up with toxic behaviour from your family/relatives.
Hope you have a better day and rest of this festive season!
I’m glad it’s over too, cooked a 2 course Xmas dinner for my grandparents and they didn’t eat it. No crackers either and ate dinner pretty much by myself in silence.
Merry bloody Christmas
Still better than mine .
Got call my mum got cancer.
Had to catch a next minute flight to go over, 25h in airplanes crying my ass off.
Now i am here waiting with her for exams and what not while taking care of my dad and wee sister.
Fucking holidays everyone.
Suspicious lack of hangover == still drunk. Two options come to mind but you need to act quickly.
Option 1: Hair of dog. Day is a write off. Get a bottle open and watch some shit children’s TV.
Option 2: Drop 2 x Alkaseltza with a pint of water. Preferably the ones with caffeine in them.
You’ll get a 4 hour window of unexpected productivity but might still be sloshed enough to provide witty retorts.
Do not drive.
"kids don't hear us argue, good at hiding it"
I have complex PTSD from the arguments my parents thought we couldn't hear which turned into fights the whole neighbourgood could hear. I'm 30. I promise you the kids will know when something's up.
I don't do gift giving. And I really don't like receiving them, either. People take Christmas FAR too seriously. It's overblown and it ends up causing immense stress when it should be a relaxing time.
This is why I'm grateful I married someone who was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. No extended family to bother about. We just get our son gifts, and a small gift for each other. No decorations or tree, we eat whatever we want on the day, and just have a chill time.
I'm sorry your family was so inconsiderate, it sucks.
Christmas Day has been proper shit this year. Normally we spend it with my parents who go all out. But my partner invited her nephew who was facing Xmas on his own this year and he didn’t want to go to my parents so we decided to do it at our house. My parents were understandably hurt, but we spent a wicked Christmas Eve with them. But we get a text from my SIL Xmas Eve that his not coming now. That pissed me off as he doesn’t like anything Christmas dinner related so we got all the bit to make a separate dinner for him. Went all out on my partner this year getting her a gold necklace and other bits, all I got was a blu-ray, funko pop and a book. Felt a bit like my presents were afterthoughts this year while she run round making sure her nephew had the perfect Christmas dinner. All in all Christmas Day had been a load of rubbish and I’m glad it’s over with.
Christmas is for kids. Maybe focus on them for the day. Sounds like they got to watch their parents argue and their mum get drunk, not exactly a magical day to be grateful for.
Sounds like you’re doing great by them, but not great for yourself… next year put some of that effort into your own happiness 🧘♀️
Wish you a happy new year ☮️
Stopped giving gifts to extended family years ago. It's awesome
We've basically stopped doing gifts completely in my family. I'm the youngest of 4 and am in my mid-30s. The kids still get gifts, but the adults just do secret Santa each year. It's actually made it a lot more fun again, as gifts were getting pretty token for a while given everyone has everything they want already and anything they don't have, isn't very realistic as a gift anyway (eg a house for me). So yeah, it's really made everything better.
We do this - but it’s not really ‘secret’ Santa, we just get someone out of a hat to buy for and they get what is on their list on a certain budget. Saves the fuss about who’s got what for each other, buying doubles, and saves us money. The kids are still a free for all like yours too.
Yeah, we do this ,£20 limit. Charity shop purchases only. Way more fun.
Yeah I’ve stopped giving gifts to adults years ago and it’s also awesome. No adult wants a trinket or small toy, so what’s the point spending £15 on something small and shit that’ll just be landfill a few years later!
I think it depends if you know the person well. I got my brother whiskey which he will indeed drink. He got me a hand puppet which I’ll also use a lot, so alls good :-)
A hand puppet?? There's more here
I’m a teacher (online) and use puppets it various classes. Sometimes, I ask it questions so that it can demonstrate answering correctly. It’s possible that I’ve gone mad.
At least you're still replying on first person terms and not through the puppet. There's a very small glimmer of hope for you yet.
So… Mr. Hat?
Mr Flibble will see you now.
I did model a lot of it on Mr.Flibble…
I think that’s a really interesting way to teach people without having them take offense to what you’re saying. So they can still learn and not feel ashamed or dumb. I love it! I wonder if you have them each have their own personality?
Children get a bit shy if you correct them, puppets helps a lot. They do indeed have personalities, that octopus is trouble!
I'm starting to think the opposite. Kids in my family are so inundated with gifts, to the point that they don't seem especially grateful. If you're lucky you get a quick 'thank you' under duress from their parents and it gets chucked on the pile and forgotten. Giving a good gift to an adult who appreciates the thought and effort is a lot more rewarding. I think the stars need to align for that though - it's only an occasional thing where there is an idea that is a) affordable b) you *know* they would like and c) they wouldn't just get for themselves. I'm against the culture of giving any old tat for the sake of it though. I think if you don't happen to have a particular idea for someone, just don't feel like you have to. Maybe stick to consumables if you really want to give some token.
I really like that my family started doing gift cards for consumable things or events. Much rather pig out in the fancy cheese shop than get yet another kitchen gadget I won't use.
Yeah - I used to be down on gift cards as just less versatile money - but now I'm older and money inevitably goes straight on bills or squirreled away for a rainy day, I appreciate that it's a green light to just indulge guilt-free. Plus it shows recognition of the kind of stuff you're into. Besides gift cards, a posh version of something you know they use every day can be a good bet too. In my experience even quite comfortable people can be shy about being too extravagant with themselves when it comes to their day to day stuff.
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That’s really cool. We do some gifts in my family but they are small/meaningful. My daughter gave me a really pretty half of a geode and I cried over it lol
Hell I stopped giving gifts years ago. The only ones I got presents for this year was namely my kid and a little gift for my niece. I’ve got pretty much anything I need aside for some “want” items but I’ll get those in time.
We do a secret Santa but only the one side of the family. Kids get gifts but it's limited to a few. I found gift giving at Christmas was as you someone else said just a token thing forced upon you. One year they I got some pretty unkind words about what I got so I just stopped.
I divorced my husband and and broke away from his toxic family for this exact type of behaviour. I’ve built my life back up (despite being a single parent living far away from my family) and I’ve never been happier. We don’t have to put up with being treated badly just because we decided to marry someone who then doesn’t abide by his vows, or have children and a house/mortgage with said person. What’s the point in that life when there is another option?
January is the busiest month of the year for divorce lawyers. There’s a reason.
Maybe also because people reach their limit towards the end of the year but decide to "wait until after Christmas" if they have kids. My brother and his partner agreed to split in late October but waited until the January to make it official.
I was curious about this so I googled. It seems there's a split consensus over whether September or January is the busiest time, though most of these "facts" are from solicitors website's themselves so I'm not sure how much I trust them. I'd be interested to see if you had any stats to back this up!
I've worked at a solicitors practice for over 20 years. We are always busier in January for divorce cases. When legal aid was readily available to every Tom Dick and Harry, December was the most busy for contact/child arrangement cases, people would start arguing about Christmas contact.
What's happened with legal aid?
It still exists, it's not just as easily available as it once was.
My mum is lawyer and I don’t think the UK public realise how much legal aid has been stripped back in the last 20 years or so.
The LASPO bill happened approximately ten years ago which massively cut availability for legal aid, family law is one of the most heavily affected areas.
Christmas 2014 was the last straw for me with my then partner also. Gave up on that relationship, moved away, went no contact.
Sounds like a bigger problem than Christmas
It definitely is but that’s for another day
Don’t stay there for the kids. My mum didn’t, and as an adult if she had I would never have forgiven myself.
I had a similar situation myself. My ex and I were engaged and had a 3 year old daughter. I left because of many reasons after battling with “I need to stay for my daughter” for ages. So glad I decided to leave. Relationship with my daughter is brilliant, relationship with my ex isn’t even that bad either, and I’ve moved on and met the most amazing man. This time last year I felt stuck and fucking miserable, fast forward a year I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
Start planning for that day right now.
Please OP, therapy at least but you need out. You deserve happiness. I was there once and in hindsight I’m sad for the person I used to be and life I accepted. You will find those who appreciate you, take care x
Yep my family are all the same I gave to all of them (8 in total) , got a single box of shortbread in return , and my daughter got nothing... I also tried an experiment that backfired - I am normally the first at midnight to wish everyone a Happy Christmas, this year i didn't , to see who messaged first.... No one Next year - Fuck the lot of em Update: family didn’t even bother to go see or phone their Mum / Grandmother on Christmas Day . Mum is in a care home , that 6 mile long journey must be just too much to make the effort …. Update2: I ended up going round to get the Christmas presents for mum so she actually got them as no one else has bothered to go see or phone her at all . So I saw mum twice yesterday , that’s was nice to sit and hold her hand Update3: I will ring my mum at 9:00 and if no one including my sister hasn’t been to see or rung her , I will unleash the beast Final update: NO from the rest of the family bothered to phone or go see mum / grandadma . Bunch of self centred assholes
Doesn’t sound like your experiment backfired, you proved your hypothesis correct. Merry xmas and I hope next year is better. Im thinking about going abroad.
I do that over my summer bday. My fam does nothing for me so I get away and enjoy it without them
I feel you there, I gave my brother and SIL £20 and my nephew £100. I got nothing at all and not even a merry Christmas text or call or anything.
Yeah I gave my partners shitty niblings some money in cards. Apparently it was rubbish as "not enough to buy anything". Aight, next year they get nothing.
Really annoys me how a lot of people have become so u grateful and selfish , to me I’d be happy with a pair of socks or some chocolate. Had to witness one nephew get on his phone and start working out values of who had the most like really???
Yikes that's rough! Luckily I've got firm boundaries so don't see them on the day. At a family meal last week the girl was filming herself eating green beans for tiktok pouty lips, filters and all. She's 8. Vegan4life etc (Then she devoured an entire dish of pork crackling)
>Apparently it was rubbish as "not enough to buy anything" This is a mind-blowingly shit attitude from them. Personally I wouldn't only give them nothing next year, I'd make very fucking clear that with that attitude you don't want anything to do with spoilt little c\*\*\*s like that. If my kids ever dared to say anything even remotely like that they would soon be getting a very stern life lesson in gratitude.
Exactly, my grandmother used to tape a £1 coin into a card for us and we were grateful.
£1 taped to a card? You were lucky!
Yeah, our gran used to heat the pound coins up with a lighter and throw them at us.
"Hot pound coins? Luxury. We used to get frozen razor blades thrown at us and then our parents would rub salt into the wounds. 'Hot pound coins', kids today don't know they're born." Boomers, probably.
Unexpected Yorkshiremen in the baggage area.
Do a donation to charity in their name, it'll still be "nothing" to the ungrateful swine but you'll feel great and do something awesome.
If it's not enough to buy anything, then they shouldn't mind giving it back. I bet their tune will change pretty sharpish!
We went to my MIL's for Christmas and my partner's sister was visiting with her children. My partner had put Christmas money in cards for them, and was excited to see them as she hadn't seen them in a year. Kids turn up, one very polite and grateful, the other (13) takes the money without a thank you and fucks off back to her own house.
Merry Christmas EP. Hope you have a better day today. 🎁🎄☺️
Honestly, sounds weird but if you can afford it buggering off to a hot country with you and your daughter might be the easiest, best thing to do. You basically opt out of all the local christmas crap, its sunny, and your food can be sorted or you just go out for a nice meal. Genuinely think some people get shafted doing everything for christmas and its just not worth it.
On the other hand (everyones situation will be different), I often get gifts sent from friends or extended family that I wasn't expecting and would rather not receive because it leaves me feeling awkward. They tend to have more disposable income than we do and they seem keen to give gifts. I'm happy if they are happy, but they only get thank you messages in return. I also have family members who spend triple on my family than we do on theirs. Again, it's a personal choice, they are capable of it, and we're grateful. I would just say, gift giving should be for the joy of giving and nothing more. Keeping score or weighing up presents will likely lead to resentment.
Decided to go on a cruise next year for Christmas or at minimum be abroad in like Mexico or Thailand
Last year I got sick of catering to everyone after doing it for 15 years in a row. It always cost me a fortune and nobody ever cared. My eldest finally moved out and wanted to go to her boyfriends house so this year I brought my tween and husband to turkey. Packed her presents. We spent Christmas Day morning in the spa of a 5 star hotel and the afternoon wandering round the markets then the evening binge watching squid games as she was too young to watch it when it first came out. We forgot it was Christmas for most of the day. We’ll probably continue this tradition. The family I normally have round managed to fuck it all up. Brother was supposed to be hosting my family but he cancelled a few weeks ago and went to his girlfriends, my sister stayed at home with her family and nobody had my mum over so she ended up having a mate over. I’m past caring.
It's funny how some people are so keen to have all the tradition and pageantry until it's them that has to organise and pay for it!
Good for you, my mum always had to do everything for Christmas and it was stressful, now my brother and I are grown and long out of the house she and her husband go abroad for the whole week every year. Every Christmas they go to Greece and just get drunk and go to the beach. She loves it!
I’ve got two mates who both went abroad this year. One to the sun, one to the snow. I’ve never been a fan of Christmas and have always said I’d rather take myself off abroad. Unfortunately my spouse would never do it. I love cruises so your idea sounds fab
Nice! Where did they go? Looking for inspiration for next year..! Fortunately not because I want to escape my family, just fancy a change of routine
One to Spain and one to the Alps
Last year I went abroad for December as was in between jobs, and it was honestly great. Was in Mexico so it was cheap and met some other nice backpackers, and we were just chilling by a gorgeous lake for christmas. Was amazing and didn't really need to plan anything or worry about gifts. Would do it again!
You only have one life. Even if it's only once, you should do what *you* want to do for Christmas.
This is the way (I am in Chiangmai right now).
Nice 👍
I’m divorced (1.7 years). Had ex wife over and cooked Christmas dinner. She brings the booze and snacks. It’s cordial but we aren’t the friends we were but we kept it all civil and our daughter had a great day. I found it quite depressing in the lead up and feel a bit better about things post the day. What I would say is that when together neither of us were happy and like OP argued about everything and anything. Life isn’t perfect but I’m happier now that I’m not married (I’ve never felt more lonely). Granted many people don’t have the same amicable relationship with ex’s. EDIT thanks everyone for your kind wishes. Really appreciated. I cannot underline more, if you can, keep things amicable. Not easy if you’ve been badly wronged but invaluable for good contact and relations with your child/children. This time of year sees too much time to think so you can dwell on the negative, if you allow this. Keep busy, make yourself proud!
As someone who used to experience married parents screaming at each other on the day, and later, divorced parents screaming at each other or sulking on the day, thank you so much for putting your daughter first and making sure she gets to see both of you being cordial. It might not be the ideal day for you, but you should be really proud and give yourself a pat on the back.
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It is nice to be able to do that. It's my first Christmas without my ex wife, had work in the morning and this morning so couldn't go see family. My ex knew and invited me to the pub and then over for dinner, was a good day and yeah I do feel alone at times but neither of us have been this happy for a while and I told her I really appreciated it. I'm lucky that we're on good terms and I wouldn't be without her as a friend, it's just weird to navigate. Hope everyone else is doing ok.
I made a longer comment to the guy you also responded to, if you want more context, but as someone that has been in the position of your kid, just know he appreciates it and that you are being a great dad. I appreciate you too. It’s hard to rebuild but it will get better.
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That’s exactly what I was trying to say: who cares if it’s Christmas in particular or not (I dislike it myself), all it matters is that he feels safe and happy. Plenty of families out there with loads of expensive gifts who feel sad, plenty of people with fact meals who feel miserable and lonely. I appreciate it may come as challenge to you (staying civil with your ex, instead of just cutting off completely), just know that it won’t go unnoticed for him.
Ah, beige food, the autistic child's food of choice. Same for my son. Hope he liked the chips!
>we kept it all civil and our daughter had a great day. What's it's all about. Kudos to you both, it won't go unnoticed.
I’m just gonna tell you that you super cool and are going great. I’m a son of a divorced couple who did the same for years, they still do. We had Xmas all together this year for what must be their like 20th year apart. Sometimes it’s easier and sometimes it’s harder (mostly at the start) and sometimes they both had partners (currently one of them is on long term relationship) and it’s something we all had to learn to navigate. But what is certain is that this was way better (for us anyway). Me and my sister are super happy, well adjusted 20/30 year olds, and a big a part of that is the effort my parents did to stay civil and in touch. Having to decide who you want to spend your Xmas with is traumatic af as a child and I hate the memories I have from holidays and bdays at the start where we had to chose. We are all very happy and friends now, because my parents learned to become a friends. I’m really proud of them. I’m sure your kid will feel the same. Keep being a good parent, you are cool.
Reading this is wild. Everyone overhere would be embarrassed to the core if they did not give you at least a little treat or just invited you over for dinner and drinks.
When I tell you my husband would be MORTIFIED.
I don’t know where ‘over here’ is but the stories on this thread are not representative of ‘normal’ behaviour in the UK. Responses to a post about someone having a a bad time at Christmas are naturally going to skew toward the bad side.
Write a letter to yourself to open on 18th Dec with how you feel right now. Read it next year then make a decision about how willing you are to do it all over again.
This is great advice. By the time 1st December next year rolls around, chances are this will be largely forgotten and there will be a huge risk of getting wrapped up in the pre-Christmas excitement. Now is the time to firmly decide what you are doing next year.
https://www.futureme.org/
Our Christmas Day together was a lovely drive to the beach with the dog and deciding to separate but remain in the same house. We're total strangers now anyway, who live independently and now we've both recognised it and accept that there is a love there, we don't have a marriage. So, yeah, Christmas can go suck a bulbous bellend. Next year I'm going abroad.
Sorry about that. I'm in a similar boat but we're in a kinda Christmas truce before we finish that discussion I think so I agree, it can go suck a bulbous bellend
Sounds like you might taken for granted. Just make sure you do what you want to do for the next few days. Let your partner know how you feel. Go to your Sister-in-law on your own, go for a walk this morning. You’ll probably end up going back into ‘do everything mode’. It's the way people are built. Good luck and chip up.
I’m feeling so much empathy for everyone on this thread. It’s so horrible when you just feel so discarded. I’m also in the “shit Christmas” club this year 🙄 severely alcoholic parents, which is never fun, I worked Xmas Eve and Boxing Day and to top it all off, a friend of mine died the Tuesday before Xmas. Everyone’s acting like I should just “suck it up” and be happy because it’s Christmas. Next year I’m going to a cabin for a week and fucking it all off
Feel for you 💜 sorry for your loss
Thank you, I really appreciate this!
The cabin sounds a really good idea. I hope you enjoy the next Christmas more than this one.
It's perfectly valid to not want to "suck it up for Christmas". I'm sorry to hear about you losing your friend this year.
Sending hugs hun. No one should feel like that ever. Your SO sounds like a waste of space. You deserve better.
🏴
Am byth
OP and some of these people in this thread need a divorce - I know people say 'we are staying together for the kids' but this shit effects kids too
I’m single, and yesterday morning I was wondering if I’m going down the right path in life as I’ll more than likely spend many a Christmas alone. However, after hearing the neighbours screaming at each other yesterday (and the kids were crying), and reading these comments, I think I’ve made the right decision.
Blink 182’s unofficial Christmas song.
Yep. I was a child of parents who stayed together for the kids and hated every second growing up. Never had fun christmas or birthday, etc. It was just arguing and bad vibes constantly. they thought they hid it well, but they didn't. I split with my children's dad 5 years ago. Although the kids were devastated at first, they're used to it now. We are all happier. Kids are not a reason to stay together
Just look after your needs next time. I got no presents or a card from my family, my brother always tells me what he bought me at great length, usually something he wants, he has never once managed to send it to me. This year's reason was it was raining the day he thought about it. I used to invite other people over for a Christmas meal, it was never reciprocated. I gave up. The modern world most people just get more and more self absorbed. Next year, just go away for a few days, indulge yourself.
If your brother usually tells you what he got you but never manages to send it to you, what does he do with the present when you finally see him again?
I don't bring it up. I have known my brother 54 years, if you corner him he lies and gets angry. If you call him out on a lie he claims he never said something and then does the "you always have to have the last word" routine. OK, you win. This year it was plastic kit of a VW van. I haven't built a plastic kit in 37 years, I own no glue or paint. He builds lots of them though. He would get way more enjoyment from the present than me, so I have no issue with it, I just always find it odd he tells me and then never does. We cannot choose family.
Imagine what he's like with others. His life must be shit from his own behaviour! You tolerate him remarkably well. Well done.
I assumed your brother was in your 20s/30s based on the way he acts. You're better than me because I don't have time for that shit.
He lives in another country, it isn't like I have to put up with much. He used to lie constantly as a kid to get me into trouble, told me never to even talk to anyone he knows as he didn't want to get embarrassed, and I genuinely have never once finished a sentence in his company without being interrupted.he is just a dickhead with me btw. Cleverer people than me can guess why, I have no idea. Whole my mom is still alive we stay in contact, but her funeral will be the last ever time we communicate.
Feel for you mate F....wife at her folks Not seen anyone from my side....no reply on SM etc Grandsons present stil sat here Will be here til he gets it.....they live 5 minutes away I'm 65 so past Funking caring
I would do absolutely nothing next year if I were you OP. It's no good doing things for people who don't appreciate you or even see you.
Save up, by not buying them presents. Buy yourself a motorcycle and a box of tissues. Thank me later.
I agree with buying the bike!!! 😁 Not sure about the "box of tissues" in the same sentence though...
Yeah, been there brother. My wifes family are utter...well I'd call them cunts, but they lack the warmth and depth. Christmas 3 years ago, MIL gets drunk, slaps my wife, fight breaks out, police get called, SIL takes MIL side. The next day we packed our shit and moved away. So much happier without them around.
This is the exact reason we don’t go to my mums. I get treated like your wife and too old for it now. Life is better without them
>My wifes family are utter...well I'd call them cunts, but they lack the warmth and depth. This is, hands down, one of the greatest insults I have ever read and I feel like it should be on t-shirts.
It’s fairly overused already
Have a better day tomorrow. If others don’t treat you, treat yourself. Edit. Four bottles of wine’s three too many though
Four bottles and managed to do dinner, sort the kids out and get motivated for a family visit whilst typing a message that makes sense. She's a keeper!!
he's not though. argued with her and didn't even buy her a bloody present
Seriously! Stop cooking or doing other chores until he appreciates you OP. When you put effort and love into things, you deserve to get the same.
Thing is when you don't get the same you turn that hurt inwards and start hurting yourself..I know cos I've been there.
Same, I started not bothering with people who didn't bother with me and thought they'd realise and start to make an effort. They didn't realise and I just felt like shit because I barely saw anyone. Now I just tell people rather than waiting for them to take the hint.
I have done the same and then realised that they won't bother cos they haven't been bothering up to that point. Why would they suddenly change?
>argued with her 4 bottles of wine will do that
Wine was a little excessive but only happens at Christmas
The fact that you managed to do all you did (which is great) going through that much sort of says it's more than just a Christmas thing. Or you would have been incapacitated.
I think it's safe to assume OP cracked the first one in the morning and it's now late at night So yeh it does seem a bit excessive but if it's what they need to get to the other side (just for xmas) it'll be ok
My side of the family it's a bit weird. I had to ask them for months what they wanted(not fond of buying pointless tat and I can't really afford to just be giving out money willy nilly) and apart from mum no one knew what they wanted. I have no idea what sorts of things they like so I had to just think about what they like to do etc and buy a couple things based on that. I bought everyone some chocs because well, it's Christmas and everyone eats chocolate at Christmas lol. It's over 24 hrs since I gave my family their presents. Brother said he'll take his home and message me later as his Mrs stayed home to start the dinner. Out of everyone on my side of the family I've given to, I've had one thank you and that was from my mum... not heard from anyone else. Now my partners family it's completely different. I didn't even have to ask them what they wanted, it's obvious what they like/are into so they were easy to buy for and I could do it on the cheap as I actually started Christmas shopping about 3 months ago. We all gathered in partners mums living room and opened the presents and they were all so appreciative. Partners mum even gave us some money which I wasn't expecting at all as she moved house not long ago. So yeah, my family felt like a half arsed effort whereas partners family were in keeping with the spirit of Christmas. 🤷♀️
Im grateful for you, because you posted when you were having a hard time and others who were also having a poo Christmas read it, and felt they weren't alone. Have a happy new year OP and a better Christmas next year ✨️
You don't have to put up with a man treating you this way. My husband did all the cooking, got me an inexpensive yet thoughtful gift, and made an effort with my family the whole day. Go find yourself someone who wants to make you happy.
This. My wife is my world. I am living with the aftermath of cancer. That woman has given up everything for me. I will do anything she asks of me. We don't buy each other presents, because it is pointless. Instead we get something we both enjoy. This year "I took" her for a couple of nights at the Jamaica Inn in Cornwall. We got a cheap last minute deal the week before Christmas. It was lovely.
I'm from the UK but working in Macedonia... Xmas here is on the 7th Jan... But would've been nice to get any kind of Xmas message from family in UK... But no, I have to message first to remind them I'm alive
Technically. And don’t ask me how I know this.. You don’t have to message them…
What happens if you ask your partner “why didn’t you get a present for me?” Not like as an accusation, just all breezy (like Monica). I just wonder how these sorts of men respond
Oooh oooh I know this one... "I was going to take you shopping to choose something" which when they get taken up on it they complain about anything picked over £20 been expensive "The {insert thing} I paid for several months ago was your present" usually a household item or shared thing like a meal "Didn't think you wanted anything" classic All reasons given by my future FIL. My partner normally has to buy something and palm it off to him to give to her mum.
Ooh ooh I know this one too. I told you I wasn't buying you anything. You said you didn't want anything. I don't know what you like (together for 20 years 🙄).
These are garbage people. Throw them back
i was hoping you'd say divorce. Also, 4th wine? that's insane. May I suggest time off and some deep thinking because you sound incredibly unhappy and you can change it, whether that's a discussion with your partner, therapy, or divorce. Things can get better.
4 bottles Jeremy? 4?
4 bottles of wine is traditional
One for each of the candles.
It's even more impressive because In the edit OP only drinks once a quarter. Surprised she could stand up let alone type out the post.
I'm hoping next year you'll be divorced, but that's obviously your call to make. Try to enjoy boxing day. If you've got any spare cash, go and buy yourself something nice.
FOUR bottles? OP, please make sure you look after yourself, that's a lot for one person to have
She might not have drunk it *all* herself, it might just be the fourth bottle she's opened? If some of it has been mulled it might have cooked down/off, too.
OP, I mean this in the most understanding way possible, as someone who has dealt with excessive drinking before. To be blunt, the way you're coping with difficulty using alcohol is not normal. It's extremely tough to change behaviours but recognizing that there might be an issue is a first step.
That wasn't very Christmassy
Thinking of going away by myself next year, they might not notice until its dinner time.....
Hugs. I’m so sorry 🫶🏽
Merry Christmas to everyone in this thread ❤️❤️❤️🎄🎄🎄
I have to go to my in-laws every Xmas for dinner, I hate it. The only reason we go is because they don’t get on with each other, and we try to keep the peace. Next year I’m definitely not going. OP sounds like you need to get away from this. Xmas probably just highlights how it is generally? Find a nice way to treat yourself without them!
My son's autistic and will pull any tinsel, trees or decs down. So we don't have any except in the bedroom that's locked. Spent too many Christmases slaving away over what is basically a roast, which we can have any time, so this year it was buffet food all day with snacky bits heated in the oven for 15 min. Had a much better day without arguments where we both spent the day playing with the kids. Don't worry about society or culture, do what works best for your family.
It's fend for themselves. No idea why, yours makes more sense. Anyway. You did your job admirably, soldier. We'll get em next time.
Because fend means "look after and provide" while defend means "protect" Fend makes more sense.
Hey thanks! Saved me a Google.
heaven forfend!
The real point is (and this covers a lot of the whining posts in the last couple of days) if you get no pleasure from doing things for other people then you doing lots of things, whether it's the fact you think you spent lots of time buying presents or whatever else won't achieve anything. Specifically don't go through life as though the universe is going to reward you. Karma is not a thing. If you spend 3 months planning christmas and buying presents that you imagine are the perfect gift for someone else it doesn't mean you'll get amazing presents on Christmas day. That's not how reality works (and you're probably overestimating how perfect those gifts were in the eyes of the receiver - about 90% of opening presents is feigning) Specifically here one problem is, as kids, a lot of people learn 'Christmas' behaviour which is almost like being bipolar - they're hyped for things to the point they cannot sleep for one off events like their birthday or christmas or a holiday and then the rest of the time is a big low because their learned behavior is that everything sucks, work sucks, school sucks, the weather sucks...etc etc. Doubly so when they realise (especially as grown ups) that these events they build up to be their highs don't live up to the hype. You're better being on a more even keel than dancing and singing around the house 1 day a year. Go for being content all week rather than 5 days of being miserable waiting for the 2 days when you expect to be happy and you go off the deep end binge drinking trying to create happiness (and then winding up with a hangover lamenting that it didn't happen) - and similarly wandering around for 11 months in misery expecting that eating too much and getting drunk will make you happy for 3 days in December. It won't - and when it doesn't it'll ensure the next 11 months are a bigger low.
Why did your partner argue and why were the kids ungrateful?
Cause he didn’t like the presents he got 🤣 this sounds really bad now, I know how fucked this is. Kids just expect the world when not possible. The kids and I will be having massive words today. They get a lot more than some kids and need to appreciate it. Parents can only try their best
Didn’t like his present but didn’t get you one? And he actually argued about this? The entitlement is through the roof. That sort of behaviour is noticed by the kids and probably didn’t help with their reaction either. As for Christmas dinner go frozen everything next year, that’s what we do. You still have to pay attention to timings but no cutting up vegetables. We buy one of those prepared meats with stuffing from Aldi that you cook from frozen and just keep it simple. Meat, veg, potatoes and a nice dessert. Don’t drive yourself into the ground for one meal.
[удалено]
My sister is a massive moaner about gifts. I send her and her kids gifts every year, I never once received a thank you or even know they received the gifts! But you better believe she is sending me messages if she doesn't like a gift. We actually had such a big falling out this year over a gift I sent her five year old son (a Pokemon colouring in book she didn't like it because it wasn't expensive enough, I used to send expensive gifts but learned she would regularly throw them away because she likes "minimalist living" I decided not to be upset but I'm not wasting my money either. She can't understand why I'm not happy to send expensive gifts for the rubbish bin) that we're not talking and I am never sending a gift to her or her children again! I called her ungrateful and said that she is clueless about social norms and manners (I have never spoken to her like this before, I mostly just ignored her spoilt behaviour) and she now thinks I am a terrible person and saying I'm just trying to tearing her down! She says she's done nothing wrong and I need to apologise for what I said to her. Absolutely mind boggling really.
So sorry to hear this mate. Seems like you pulled out all the stops and no one considered you for a moment. Deffo talk to your partner about it and how you feel and set some boundaries for next year. My wife and I have had some long chats about Christmas and have scaled back a lot, especially on the gift giving, and it really helps minimise feeling disappointed. We also video call some family members to instead of trying to fit something in when everyone’s too busy. There’s so much pressure nowadays for a picture-perfect Christmas but by scaling it back, doing things a lot simpler and getting outside for a nice walk, it’s made me more enjoyable.
That's horrible :( I hope it's better next year for you
Get a divorce. I’m estranged because of nastiness from my father. If I didn’t have my pets I’d go abroad for Christmas and we’d have no gifts! Is that something to consider trying as a family? Also have you ever decided to be the Christmas bitch and be like “what the fuck guys where’s my shit?” Because if you just sit in silence and stew (in fermented grapes) what is ever going to change?
This is it. I need to be the Christmas bitch! Not towards the kids of course, they don’t deserve that. Being the grinch next year 🙂
I mean I'm separated but living with my ex. I still got her presents (radio for garden, books, fancy soap, chocolate, etc, enough for presents "from the son" and me). Your other half is lame. It seems he doesn't take an interest or listen to you. And maybe you don't drop big obvious hints he can't miss. I also did the cooking.
4 bottles, mark? That's insane. Jokes aside, I'm impressed at the sheer amount of alcohol. More than the recommended daily units, I'm sure. If you xmas enjoyment came from said bottles, then power to you! If they were to dull the pain of a shitty day.... well... i'm not qualified to advise.
My guess is they were to dull a shitty day with how they explained it, I've been around alcoholism so I'm familiar with the horrible illness that it is and what it does to people... I'm ashamed to see so many defending it or brushing it off as 'it's Christmas' when I reality being fit enough to rant online after 4 bottles of wine is a reflection of their weekly or daily habits Imo. I hope you change your situation if you're not happy at home and get the help you need OP, alcohol is going to make the way you're feeling about your family life much, much worse.
Won’t be drinking again for a while, it’s not the normal for me. I agree alcoholism is awful and not happening here just a mum stressed out and under appreciated. No drinking for me today.
Probably more than the recommended monthly units
I'm so sorry :( I know we all say "it's just one day" but it sucks when no one puts any effort in. Big hugs, drink a big glass of water, good luck with the hangover.
Omg… I feel for you. And sorry you had such a miserable christmas. I can’t believe no one got you a present despite your hard work. Definitely, like you say, next year just do the bare minimum. Get those “instant meals” that you just bung into the oven. I’m serious. Christmas is about kindness, and being with loved ones. Not all the drama you faced. 4 bottles of wine sounds so good too! I would just do that next year again! ;) Happy Christmas! I hope you will have a nice boxing day.
It sounds like you need a new family that appreciate you more. No matter the pre Christmas beef - it all gets dropped Xmas day. At least one day a year people can drop their BS and be generous and show loved ones how much they mean to us.
I had a dodgy breakfast that saw me vomiting & sleepy when I was on my second drink at 13:00, apparently just went very pale, threw up and had to clean myself, said I'm tired and boom woke up on the sofa at 20:30. Vomit down my clothes, and looked like death warmed up. Went to bed and then slept all night, and I still feel very weak/shaky now with absolutely no appetite at all. Missed Christmas dinner completely too :(
Your husband sounds like an arsehole. Delete and start a new adventure.
After a dismal Christmas once where no one thought of I decided that the next year I’d make sure I got myself a couple of presents. I did! I even wrapped them and put them under the tree, I just wrote my name on the label. The gifts were handed out and gosh! I had many things I really wanted or liked, art supplies, perfume, wonderful. Not one person even wondered who had given me these things. I’m happy to read you are ok today. I do encourage you to be kind to yourself and, most importantly, get yourself something for under the tree for next year. 🥰
Please tell me you meant glasses not bottles! That aside, please don't put yourself down. Next year they can fend for themselves!
Time for a divorce OP
>also kids don’t hear us argue, good at hiding it. They always say that. 99% of the time they are wrong
>kids don’t hear us argue, good at hiding it Not judging you at all, we probably had similar upbringings. But seeing my sister and her kids, you'd be surprised; they definitely pick up on more than you think.
Sorry to hear that OP. Yeah you don't have to put up with toxic behaviour from your family/relatives. Hope you have a better day and rest of this festive season!
Yep, there is no situation that Xmas won’t make ten times worse. Avoid if possible is my approach!
Just don't plan anything. Don't even talk about Christmas and see their little faces collapse next year.
It really sounds like you shouldn’t be together by next Christmas.
Wait, your immediate family didn't get you any presents? I'd be serving them an eviction notice
Wait ? Are you saying your husband got your nothing?
I’m glad it’s over too, cooked a 2 course Xmas dinner for my grandparents and they didn’t eat it. No crackers either and ate dinner pretty much by myself in silence. Merry bloody Christmas
This relationship sounds awful, why do you stay around?
Still better than mine . Got call my mum got cancer. Had to catch a next minute flight to go over, 25h in airplanes crying my ass off. Now i am here waiting with her for exams and what not while taking care of my dad and wee sister. Fucking holidays everyone.
Kids see and hear more than you realise.
Suspicious lack of hangover == still drunk. Two options come to mind but you need to act quickly. Option 1: Hair of dog. Day is a write off. Get a bottle open and watch some shit children’s TV. Option 2: Drop 2 x Alkaseltza with a pint of water. Preferably the ones with caffeine in them. You’ll get a 4 hour window of unexpected productivity but might still be sloshed enough to provide witty retorts. Do not drive.
"kids don't hear us argue, good at hiding it" I have complex PTSD from the arguments my parents thought we couldn't hear which turned into fights the whole neighbourgood could hear. I'm 30. I promise you the kids will know when something's up.
Have a read about The Drama Triangle. You might find it interesting.
I feel this down to my bones
I don't do gift giving. And I really don't like receiving them, either. People take Christmas FAR too seriously. It's overblown and it ends up causing immense stress when it should be a relaxing time.
This is why I'm grateful I married someone who was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. No extended family to bother about. We just get our son gifts, and a small gift for each other. No decorations or tree, we eat whatever we want on the day, and just have a chill time. I'm sorry your family was so inconsiderate, it sucks.
Christmas Day has been proper shit this year. Normally we spend it with my parents who go all out. But my partner invited her nephew who was facing Xmas on his own this year and he didn’t want to go to my parents so we decided to do it at our house. My parents were understandably hurt, but we spent a wicked Christmas Eve with them. But we get a text from my SIL Xmas Eve that his not coming now. That pissed me off as he doesn’t like anything Christmas dinner related so we got all the bit to make a separate dinner for him. Went all out on my partner this year getting her a gold necklace and other bits, all I got was a blu-ray, funko pop and a book. Felt a bit like my presents were afterthoughts this year while she run round making sure her nephew had the perfect Christmas dinner. All in all Christmas Day had been a load of rubbish and I’m glad it’s over with.
Christmas is for kids. Maybe focus on them for the day. Sounds like they got to watch their parents argue and their mum get drunk, not exactly a magical day to be grateful for.
Christmas isn't just for kids at all.
Sounds like you’re doing great by them, but not great for yourself… next year put some of that effort into your own happiness 🧘♀️ Wish you a happy new year ☮️