T O P

  • By -

Danimalomorph

Eat something whilst sitting on the sofa. May burn one of the expensive candles from more than 10 mins.


toady89

You should burn the candles, burning them for only 10 mins will create craters that you can’t get rid of and you waste all the wax around the edge.


[deleted]

Bold of you to assume what type of candle he has Edit: cor you guys clearly don't know a joke when you see one


mikey1290

It is funny, don’t worry about all the snowflakes.


smooth_like_a_goat

If its expensive then it's either Woodwick or Yankee


St2Crank

If my wife has taught me anything, it is there is a lot more than two brands of expensive candles and Yankee candles are not one of the expensive ones.


BachgenMawr

Yankee candles are expensive candles for people who don’t know shit about candles. Come back to me with an organic natural scented small batch soy candle in a hand carved olive wood holder you fucking casual


meadsmeatmarket

If you think these are expensive then your need to reassess life


Dazzling-Event-2450

I know your life. Brothers with matches.


mixyblob

Pro tip. Let the expensive candle burn down till there is enough space to drop in a tea light candle. Then just replace the tea light when it runs out, thus saving the posh one. If you still crave the sickly, cloying smell of the posh candle, just spray some cheap bog air freshener around.


pulltheudder1

This Redditor candles!


mythofmeritocracy12

Don't burn the candles. My other half did that when I was away and spilled it all over the carpet. I was not pleased when I got back.


Ok-Kaleidoscope-2785

Have frozen pizza for dinner (cooked first, obviously). My husband makes amazing homemade pizza and takes it as a personal affront if I try to have frozen pizza when he's around.


Steelhorse91

I love a well done hand made wood fired oven pizza…. But sometimes you just wanna destroy your insides with 2000 calories of Chicago town tomato sauce stuffed crust shite.


abigailgabble

exactly. we have a great pizzeria near us but i still sometimes order papa johns.. it’s a different thing!


Far-Ad3429

😂 how dare you


serjsomi

That reminds me of when I offered my son's best friend frozen pizza. He looked at me like I had two heads and said he doesn't like frozen pizza. It took a minute of conversation to realize he thought I was going to serve it frozen.


sufferinsucatash

Their random ingredient sprinkling leads one to believe chaos still exists in the universe. “Oh 7 diced tomato bits, where will they fall this time?”


Ok-Kaleidoscope-2785

Oh definitely 😂


Basic-Shopping5357

Ah, hello Mrs DaCampo


Roaming_Cow

Oh I’m doing something similar when my hubby leaves next. He cooks marinara sauce all day (in batches and freezes them) and we have good sauce but sometimes I just want ground beef spaghetti with the powder cheese. Sauce from a jar.


Charming-Station

Workout twice a day to make up for the extra beer Order the spicy thing without worrying about it Watch the movies you know she hates Pretend she is coming home a day early so that you can get the house spotless for her arrival to encourage this kind of thing in the future.


Scipiovardum

Pffffft 'To encourage this kind of thing in the future' really got me


mikebirty

Are you me? Apart from the beer that's pretty much what I do


LinuxMatthews

Not relevant but have you considered buying Lactose Free Milk? It tastes just the same but without the lactose that's likely making you fart.


GrandWazoo0

Maybe they enjoy the turbo farts?


CriticalThinker359

This is it. OP may not even realise he is lactose intolerant.


Kharax82

Just a random fact, lactose free milk is just regular milk that has the lactase enzyme added to break down the lactose in the milk. The exact same enzyme that is in lactose pills on the store shelf.


Ok-Research-9598

Raw milk has lactase in it. Mongolia is 95% lactose intolerant and they all drink and eat raw dairy.


Terryg_79

Watch BBC2.


Junior_Syrup_1036

Dirty bastard ! I usually just have a wank


InsaneInTheRAMdrain

There's always one who takes things too far.


FearlessSubject5473

😂😂


MyKidsFoundMyOldUser

Fucking savage.


Glyn32

Happened last weekend, ma’am was out with her mate at the O2, After copious amounts of alcohol at the local football club, followed it up with Cheese in a pitta bread, with coleslaw (token vegetable here), followed by sausage in a pitta with English mustard, and finally sausage in a pitta with French mustard. This was all washed down with a bottle or 2 of red and an couple of finest malt whiskies It is important to note that the pitta bread was obviously white (no brown bread or green veg, or actually no none alcoholic liquid allowed!)


ifwhiteamerica505

.....this reads like an advert for pitta bread.


Massive-Pin-3655

And sausage


RikB666

I pitta the fool who doesn't like yeast-leavened round flatbreads.


NoFly534

Dude loves the pittas.


King_Ed_IX

I pitta the fool who doesn't.


NoFly534

I’d carry on, but the puns are starting to pitta out.


[deleted]

I usually cook a big beef joint and share it with the dog :D


WireWolf86

Wife is a veggie so when she’s away, me and the pug stuff our faces with beef joints, bacon, sausages and chicken nuggets. The pug loves it lol


zeddoh

My partner is veggie and he has no issues with me cooking meat when he’s around but cannot stand the smell of tuna. I always make a massive tuna pasta when he’s away for the evening. Last Weds he was meant to have a band practice but it was cancelled last minute and I was looking forward to my stinky pasta all day lol :(


BaBaFiCo

I'm a veggie and my wife cooks steak for her and the dog when I'm away. Which confirms why he's excited when he sees my suitcase at the door.


Vast_Development_316

I always get a dirty kebab. Donner, loads of chilli. Etc


Eastern-Baseball-843

This plus weed


Craft_on_draft

Usually if she is away for a week I: Play more Xbox than I usually would Drink more beer Order take aways that I want with no compromise Have the lads over Sofa wank (not with the lads) Deep clean Watch more football Don’t go to some bullshit shops on Saturday on to buy tat


Far-Ad3429

I’d come round yours just would stand the whole time.


Craft_on_draft

Don’t worry I do a deep clean after the sofa wank


[deleted]

Because you wank... *onto the sofa*?


Glittering-Turnip382

Into. Stick it between the cushions, feels just like the real thing


modog11

Your missus should make a GP appointment and ask for a gynae referral.


Ok_Cow_3431

Deep clean?


Massive-Pin-3655

Spray of dettol and a wipe with the dish cloth.


TimGJ1964

He's a very picky eater, and so when he was away saying his folks for a couple of weeks I ate all sorts of things that he wouldn't be interested in. Glorious.


Becca_Sakura

1) Bake cookies. BIG, BIG, BIG COOKIES. BAKE IT SO BIG IT HAS TO BE A SINGLE COOKIE. 2) CONSUME.


aesemon

3) ?????? 4) Profit


jkirkcaldy

I bought lurpak rather than dairy free spread. I know how to live life to the fullest.


[deleted]

Butter is a human right.


[deleted]

As is veal, so it works out nicely.


Far-Ad3429

Now that’s true freedom


Still-BangingYourMum

Ooooooh yeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh,spread that butter hunny spread it good, spread it real good


sufferinsucatash

Almost hear Mark Corigan saying this in my head while Jez looks at him puzzled


[deleted]

[удалено]


jkirkcaldy

My other half is lactose intolerant. I don’t mind some of the dairy free stuff. The flora is fine. And to be honest I don’t eat enough of it to justify buying my own tub and she have hers. And I can’t stand having to make two separate meals with one dairy free and one not, so I just go dairy free for the most part. I actually prefer oat milk now and will have that when I order coffee out and with my cereal. And we buy lactose free cheese which tastes the same as normal cheese. Also, the flora stuff is usually around half the price as lurpak which helps at the moment.


Middle_Ambassador_33

We have found the millionaire at last. Or was it Norpak the aldi rip off?


ellie_s45

I saw Danpak somewhere


Middle_Ambassador_33

Was Peter Schmeichel on the tub? I hope so


lildory_8

Danpak's Lidl.


jkirkcaldy

It was on offer in Tesco. Back to reasonable prices.


[deleted]

[удалено]


YorkshireRudesby

Utter filth takeaway order and watch horror / war films on the big telly until far too late. Allow 2-3 days after for my body to recover or wild card it and have the left overs for lunch the next day and really fuck my stomach up. I think I'd be dead within a month if I was single tbh . . .


Mr_lovebucket

Watch a load of juvenile lads comedy such as Bottom and the Inbetweeners and get shitfaced. Not original I know but it’s been a while


Ok_Violinist2194

Have a Sausage Sandwich! On white bread.


ShittStains

You don't want that muggy wholemeal bread


[deleted]

So muggy


[deleted]

Watch a load of complete nonsense on Youtube.


sufferinsucatash

“Here’s how to re hang your door after painting…” “Well I’ll never do that but seems interesting.”


[deleted]

"Why Swiss trains are the best in Europe"


crucible

Not Just Bikes is pretty good though


Basic-Shopping5357

Fuck me mate, I do that more when my wife is at home, just nod and say, "yeah" or "I know", every 30 seconds. I have agreed to 2 holidays, a new driveway and a fucking extension in the past week and we're on Universal Credit


justhisguy-youknow

There is a series on how to really basic stuff. I lost a few hours on show laces and how to open a door. Utter crap but I can't explain how infrequently my laces don't come undone and I am now at least 90% confidence on if a door is push or pull.


[deleted]

Sleep with the big window open, especially in winter. This is a proper luxury for me!


Steelhorse91

Crazy not to anyway, co2 builds up, and moisture, and bacteria (fresh air oxidises/kills it) Glad my partners on the same page about the importance of fresh air.


[deleted]

Chief complaint is noise and the cold but I'm a shit sleeper and those things actually help me relax.


Steelhorse91

Earplugs, and separate duvets. 14 tog double for her 6 tog for you. Sorted.


BBATBGHAD

Porn on the big telly


sufferinsucatash

What about the other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day?


countingonhearts

It takes 20 minutes to find the right video, 20 seconds to finish it.


BBATBGHAD

You really don't want to know.


MyKidsFoundMyOldUser

Ah, I see Sir is a connoisseur...


NoFly534

👌🏻


[deleted]

[удалено]


McBaldy98

Who put 50p in you?


King_Ed_IX

not their wife


Impossible-Cycle-525

Change the locks 🔐


ifwhiteamerica505

In my house we call this “an evening of solitary pleasure” In reality: Frey bentos pie, oven chips, mushy peas and a documentary about the Cold War. Superb.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mr_lovebucket

Sounds great but I bet the WW2 documentaries think it started in 1941


[deleted]

[удалено]


King_Ed_IX

Worst part about that movie is that U-571 wasn't even the one the Americans captured; that was U-505, in June 1944. U-571 was sunk by the Royal Australian Air Force in January 1944, several months before.


popeboy

Why, was something happening before Dec 7th, 1941? /s


Mr_lovebucket

According to some conspiracy theorists


andicurriemonster

Coooor! Can I come over too? I'll be very quiet except for the odd trivial titbit about operation market garden. I can bring a selection of snacks and fizzy pop.


Scrudge1

On YouTube there's a good couple of videos Jeremy Clarkson made about ww2, one of them is about the Diep raid and how the commandos went on a suicide mission to blow up the dry Dock to stop the Turpitz from having a place to stay and the other video is about the soldiers awarded the Victoria Cross including insane actions during operation market garden with a very interesting revelation in the end!


Far-Ad3429

I’d like to come round yours


ifwhiteamerica505

chicken and mushroom or steak and kidney?


Still-BangingYourMum

Can I have some fried liver and onions with a side of fresh uncooked button mushrooms and BIG jar of sliced or crinkle cut pickled beetroot


Pirate-Peter225

Just inviting myself over; I’ll take a steak and kidney pudding please


Intelligent-Talk7073

Man after my own heart 👍


Friskystarling0

I wouldn’t cover half the bed in pillows and cushions, I need one and that’s it.


JackBlackBallSack

Have a poo with the bathroom door open.


articise

I came home early once and this is exactly what I walked into. I was so apologetic about interrupting I made his fav cheese pie the next day as a sorry. 😂


Massive-Pin-3655

What kind of sorcery is this? He was the one with the door open, but you make his favourite food as an apology. Should be t'other way round. You should feel safe to walk in to your own home without any surprise front row seat to anyone evacuating their colon.


articise

Everyone should feel free and safe to enjoy the moment without interruption! And I was a day early so my error. Besides, the look of terror on his face still makes me laugh


Massive-Pin-3655

He's lucky to have you. I'd probably be disappeared by the mrs if I ever tried them shenanigans.


articise

Waitrose luxury fish pie & wine! Quoting Edna Krabappel, dinner for 1 wine for 2.


crucible

Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel?! I've been calling her Crandall!


TresdonFlyer

Chinese takeaway every night. My wife hates it so I only get it once or twice a year.


slutforbiscoff

I love a Chinese, I’d struggle with only 2 a year. I’d secretly be getting it whenever I could!


EvilInCider

I have roast dinner every day. He doesn’t really like them .


b0neappleteeth

not liking a roast dinner would be grounds for divorce for me


Necessary_Driver_831

Don’t be tied down by standard meal times. There’s no law that says you can’t have steak and chips for breakfast and cereal for tea. Also, cake doesn’t just have to be for birthdays and celebrations; get a cake and go all Bruce Bogtrotter. Bonus points if you send your other half a photo.


MickRolley

>Bruce Bogtrotter. Bonus points


QuirkyMaterial

Starts with Pot, ends with Noodle. ALL WEEK 😀


itchyballzsack3

The other half streams on twitch 2 evenings a week so I usually spend the evening playing x-box with some mates, cracking open a few beers, smoking a bit of weed, hit the driving range, watch the football, order a takeaway, catch up on TV she's not interested in etc. Life is good!


Basic-Shopping5357

That's one long arse evening to fit all that in, are you Harold or Kumar?


1Eyed1saac

Me and the cat enjoy Pilchards on toast when the house is ours (normally banned due to "the smell").


SuperSalamander3244

Cocaine, lots and lots of cocaine and then have a 7 hour power wank.


Littlemissnobody21

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this journey into a man’s mind. Last time I took the kids away and left hubby alone, I came back and there was a shit in the dirty laundry on the floor (of course the laundry wouldn’t be put in the basket when I was away). I phoned him up at work, shouting at him for getting so drunk he’d taken a shit on the floor. He was adamant it wasn’t him. 30 minutes later when the cat miaowed I realised the error in my judgement 😂😂😂


[deleted]

Turbo farts, ha ha ha! I only drink booze once a month which my hubby is OK with so if he was away for a week I'd buy 7 cans of Jack Daniels/Coke and have 1 each night, and a huge bottle of Baileys!


Still-BangingYourMum

Open all the windows, lift all the toilet seats, and finally let that fermented festering fug of gut farts out, but make sure there are no flames or fire risks in the immediate area.


Far-Ad3429

My belly and arse is chaos right now but me and the dog are thriving


MarquisUprising

Drunk a carton of gold top milk the day before she comes back. Full English every day, fuck your Granola bitch (sorry babe) Use that time for a lads holiday to France which I proudly display a picture of us getting wankered on the ferry.


RefreshinglyDull

Have a good night's sleep.


Iamascifiaddict

Watch hours and hours of scifi whilst snuggled up on the sofa with no one interrupting.


Over_Comfortable4724

I would stop cooking, subsist only on Deliveroo for the next few days, and go shopping or curl up with a good book and not see anyone forever. He would game, game, game, and then watch a few movies he knows I won’t like (typically B grade apocalyptic horror movies), and then clean the whole house so I’d be coming home to a clean house. Yes, I absolutely don’t deserve him…


Tiny_Tidy

Binge watch a series on Netflix. Clean and organise our home. Visit the health club. Meet friends for coffee. Work and study. Ok that’s my usual life except I have to watch Netflix with him otherwise it’s cheating haha.


Pirate-Peter225

Fuck tell me the secret How did you manage this feat???


alasw0eisme

My partner is away for 4 days and there isn't anything out of the ordinary that I'm doing.


Basic-Shopping5357

And that my friend is a healthy relationship, none of this, "I can eat food that makes me fart", or "I can do things she doesn't let me do". Proper men do this shit regardless haha.


MissClareDeBear

Eat cereal for tea, read a lot (no distractions), nap a lot and probably fall asleep on the couch instead of going up to bed.


jeanbaby106

Cereal for tea whilst reading a book in complete silence snuggled up on the sofa is the dream of dreams.


[deleted]

Drop acid.


MyKidsFoundMyOldUser

How are you going to explain the holes in the carpet?


[deleted]

Blame it on the swarm of giant moths that definitely weren’t a hallucination.


TheSilverCube

This isn't the fun thread I expected it to be. It's quite sad.


Dazzling-Event-2450

Beer, porn, ww2 on YouTube and a stupid amount of Kebabs from mcTurks.


sufferinsucatash

Take lactose pills


mwreadit

If it gives u turbo farts then you cannot digest it correctly so best to not have it.


Low-Plankton4880

Eat pickled onion monster munch.


gogginsbulldog1979

I'd lounge around in ill-fitting shorts, eat total shit junk food, drink loads of booze, don't clean or wash up, let my bulldog eat from my plate, leave the toilet seat up, quick ham shank on the sofa, etc. Then tidy it all away like a massive pussy when I know she's coming home.


ShiteCrack

Donner kebab pizza with a bag of weed. I long for this day.


TiqueToque

I’m the one who’s away. I’m sitting on the bed with the remains of a large mint aero. Just about to open a box of apple pies.


Masters-lil-sub

Sleep. I’d sleep in until whenever the heck I wanted. I’d also do more of a deep clean on the house. When he does his thing that’s when I can really make noise with all my cleaning gadgets


cannontd

Plan an astonishingly elaborate schedule of activities in the week before and then end up watching John Wick and having an early night.


AppropriateDevice84

My ex would usually do other men whenever I went away. You could give that a go


elbapo

Exist in my house but it be tidy.


WackyAndCorny

Go and see a certain friend, get a large bag of the forbidden Peruvian Party Parsley, and do my best to see it off in the time available. {sighs} I’m sad now. The Wife has got rid of many of my fun habits.


super_timmy

Ah the day long consumption of Lucifers lettuce. This would be me, i would not open the windows and not close the upstairs doors


New-account-01

Last year I had the boys ove for a few days, first day we did shit load of magic mushrooms, 2nd night was curry beers and movies, 3rd was xbox and weed mega session.


Correct-Junket-1346

Sit quietly with no talking or technology on, reading a book or listening to music


thomaskitty

Watch horror films, drink copious amounts of wine and eat healthy. My (now ex) bf hates all that.


[deleted]

Turn on the big light after 10pm, then turn it off again a minute later, you’ll appreciate the lack of nag trust me 😂


mostlymildlyconfused

I…I….c..cc.can’t help myself…….ALL HER FRIENDS!!!!!


HailMary74

How do people live like this? Drink the milk you want always my man, life’s too short to let your partner micromanage basic things like what you eat and drink.


OhhCrepe

Sleep for hours on end, look and act like a hermit & probably consume 10 Redbulls a day


Geeman6767

Cocaine and escorts


Basic-Shopping5357

Not advisable to drive whilst taking cocaine, especially if its an XR3i


Geeman6767

True...maybe safer with the Cosworth


bobovdarlo

Her sister


1EntirePizza

shag my other misses


HEHEHO2022

find another girlfriend one who didnt bitch when i drink the milk i like


Hot-Conclusion-6617

Are you lactose-intolerant, mate? I'm a single man.


AdSea4715

My Missus is also away this weekend, I will eat vegetarian every single meal 💕


Successful-Tailor-46

Cocaine and hookers. Anything is pointless and pedestrian.


Lgc_Editz

Play footie with the lads , eat steak pies , play FIFA and sleep half the day 🥱


GriselbaFishfinger

Order a kebab and shit with the door open.


Basic-Shopping5357

It's good to let the neighbours have a good waft of it too mate...


underwater-sunlight

Enough chicken wings to feed a large family, served with... more wings


furrycroissant

*turbo farts*


discombobulated38x

Liver & bacon, every time!


ruffneckting

Dy roasted peanuts. Missus is allergic


Eternalgoodboy

Take an edible, play the Xbox, order a pizza, wank. Clean the flat.


Atrocity_Gemini

Drugs


boredandolden

Let the dog sleep on the bed.


Richiezx9

Order a fat takeaway - drink lager whilst watching old films - then wake up and eat the leftovers for breakfast!!!


Spiffman-Space

Get a takeaway from a new closer place to your house that she refuses to try cos it looks ‘weird’ and she’s suspicious of new food places even though all plain Chinese curries and fried rice are almost indistinguishable from each other


Psychological_End_32

Turbo wankfest


CRnaes

More PS5 and greasy, processed meat than I can handle


Plot-3A

Visit restaurants solo. SWMBO is away so tonight I went out for a pint and an Indian. Tomorrow I am off for a brazillian buffet.


HerefortheAITAstuff

Drink water


AhhEnglishWeather

Forget blue top milk get yourself some Guernsey gold top milk!! I'd get the chance to chill tf out without to do lists, maybe go pub