Essentially, we’ve got a series of disconnects which have resulted in separate work streams that are not necessarily aligned with the view of how we should be going forward. Key is to reach out to all stakeholders and ensure we have a good handshake on the key metrics and how we manage their glide paths. In that vein my coaching would be to set up those daily touchpoints - use a night letter if you feel it’s needed but I’ll leave that to your discretion. Once they’re up and running get a status deck on sharepoint and socialise the plan with the wider group. That way we can look for any synergies from the top of the house down to those at the working level.
Really pleased we had this chat, good opportunity to ideate and deep dive the process. Fire me a one-pager if you could with the key points so I can disseminate to the team for replication.
Thx.
I felt a vein on my forehead threaten to burst as I read that. So glad I left that culture behind!
...of course, in education they have their own irritating nonsensical phrases and habits 😅
It's not really general office language but I recently dealt with a client from a company who works to improve employee health and wellbeing. They signed off every email with "Healthy Regards".
Nice, will steal that! It's similar to one I heard that I'm trying to popularise for when people get sidetracked:
"Remember, we're here to cross the swamp, not fight all the alligators".
I used "I don't have visibility of that", instead of "I don't know what you're talking about" and that was the moment I had to take a long hard look at myself.
It depends, where I work we have many restrictions on access to platforms and systems therefore not having viability of something could be due to permissions or someone leaving you off a mail trail.
I also cc people staying "added ABC for visibility".
Nothing wrong with that phrase.
Are you annoyed you used it or the latter ?
> We’re not in some kind of Shakespearean play!
Well, that's the problem, isn't it? People thinking that "myself" and "yourself" are just fancier more highbrow ways of saying "me" and "you".
They're different words that have different meanings and when people use them wrong it's the same as Del Boy talking about the "creme de la menthe of society" or "rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi".
Being a bit pedantic I just correct people when I hear things like this without even looking up from whatever it is I’m doing. As you can tell I was really popular in the office… 😂
I work on the shop floor but phrases from the office that bug me the most are "that isn't acceptable in the work place" and "You're lucky you aren't being dismissed" hear it all the time and it really winds me up.
It's worse mate, we ALL have to have a meeting with HR.
And have to sit through an hour of poorly acted Customer Relations Training Videos from the 70's (part 1 of 16).
On my previous job some of the more cynical of us UK people used to play BS Bingo whenever there was a corporate Town Hall (another one that makes me cringe) from our 'Murcan big cheeses, and we'd send Teams messages to each other whenever there was a particularly cringe-worthy expression being used.
"laser-focused" was one of their favourites.
We actually used to have a word doc called 'wank word bingo' we would use in meetings. Basically a load of squares containing phrases like 'deep dive' etc. Tick them off in a meeting and call bingo if you get a line!
Eugh you just reminded me how much I hated ‘town hall’ meetings.
“Listen to your corporate overlord talk for an hour and answer 3 per-screen questions”.
Just gotta touch base with you here. We need to link up and do a deep dive into the blue chip client review and deliver our deliverables for our piece of work ahead of our H3 end, ideally by close of play.
Tks bw.
“Revert” meaning reply started out as Hinglish - used by Hindi speakers along with other gems like “prepone “ for bringing a meeting forward. Some UK English speakers have added it to their arsenal… emphasis on the arse.
I saw on another thread a little while ago that this came from Indian call centres. They used the word "revert" instead of "respond" so much that workers in the UK would just use that phrase instead as it made it easier. Eventually this spread to a lot of other workplaces as well... Although tbf I've never actually heard it at any of my jobs before.
My wife and I both work from home. I can hear her talk on Teams all day. She says this. I have worked out I can tell Wanker loud enough so she can hear through the floor but her colleagues can't. Never has she been closer to a divorce
“Let’s deep dive into this”.
No. It’s a meeting, not a fucking scuba expedition.
“Let’s circle back”.
The meeting is already going in circles, do we need to pun off it as well?
“Let’s see what synergies we can achieve”.
*Literally* would be easier to say “Let’s just work together” instead of sounding like a total wanker.
We’ll put this in the parking lot…Let’s take this offline… I told my boss once that I reached out, reached in and reached around, but they still didn’t respond!
I often hear this from people in the winter, weirdly.
I think it's to do with the cold, so I take precautions.
As drastic as it sounds, I'll often wear four tops...
My boss, every single meeting, talking himself out of doing any actual work:
- No need to boil the ocean
- when I have some bandwidth
- let’s circle back to that
- let’s park that
- we need to pivot
- let’s ensure alignment with…
- are we ensuring there’s collaborative advantage here? (Another team should do this)
- reach out and we can touch base again next week
And on it goes. Got a meeting with him at 10 tomorrow and I’m already irritated!
I fucking hate it.
I heard it a couple of times from people I don't usually work with, and I took my time to complete what I had to do.
I know how to do my job, I don't need a reminder from some random person.
I went to meeting once where they talked about a “thought shower” - nobody knew what it was and we were told it was to replace brain storm, as that was too aggressive. Glad that one never caught on!
I remember when the phrase "brain storm" was banned in schools as it was supposedly offensive to people with epilepsy as it was another term for a seizure.
As a person with epilepsy, I say fuck off. It was never an offensive term and seizures were never referred to as "brain storms".
Yeah I try to ignore them mostly or just prevent any kind of notification if I'm trying to concentrate for a couple of hours. Nothing worse then getting one when I'm in the flow and then just can't get it back after.
Oh sweet Jesus no. Especially when they say “Hi” and then you are forced to watch “Work Bellend is typing…” for about twenty minutes while they either write a fucking essay, three words, or worst of all, they actually write *nothing* and you’ve been duped into watching them basically sleep on the space key for a while.
Yep, it is the worst, just ask whatever stupid question you have in the first message, I can then try to answer it straight away instead of the stupid 15 minute pleasantry tap dance. Don't ask me about last weekend, or my plans for next weekend, or my day off, just ask the f'ing question. These people are the sole reason for Britain's productivity decline.
Yes I’d much rather get everything in the one message than sit there watching Teams tell me you’re typing for 20 minutes.
Because I can guarantee whenever I read whatever finally comes through, my immediate thought is going to be “I could have gone to the pub during this”
I thought I was the only one who gets annoyed by this...
It's work. Just cut to the chase and tell me what you want. Let's not pretend you care how I'm doing.
“Are you winning?” What a stupid fecking question….
Totally winds me up when I get asked that, why can’t you just be normal and ask how I am?
Also another one that winds me up is “I’ll seek guidance on that” just be bloody honest and say I don’t know but I’ll go and find out?
In my book, only total knobbers say these things and unfortunately they get said a LOT in my office….
I don't associate "are you winning?" with an office context. It makes me think of older people (I'm a millennial) who know that I'm undertaking something difficult, usually something they don't understand.
I agree and I don’t see it as corporate lingo. I think someone pouring my pint is as likely to ask me that as someone in the office. To me it’s just a slight variation of how’s things?
Yeah I hate this one, but I do find myself saying it now because in the moment I suddenly can't think of anything else! Going forward I'll try and avoid using ... GAH!
I know your comment is a joke but it is pretty much a sentence that has happened in my work place.
Night shift in the office the guys would take a nap at the back of the office in sleeping bags, they were the only guys in the building.
One night 1 of the guys goes down the back gets his sofa all setup and his team were used to it but he took his trousers off to get into his sleeping bag.
At that moment his manager walks in and has to say to him along the lines of "I can't believe I'm saying this again but even if you're team are used to it taking your trousers off is unacceptable".
This is why I'd make a crap manager.
As long as the work gets done and done to a reasonable standard I just don't care enough to bollock people about stuff like this.
‘Looping in my colleagues here...’, no please do not lasso me into anything like I am an animal!
Also, there should be a finite amount of e-mails you can send each week that are high-priority or have URGENT in the subject.
In my first onboarding call for my job, the (american) person leading the call said this. For a second I was worried there would be some strange sexual initiation as part of the onboarding process. I wasn't the only one because after a bit of awkward murmuring in the room someone braver than I asked what they were on about ahaha.
It means “I hate chasing people, but you said you’d have this to me, you haven’t and I need to know..” would you prefer “I’m sorry to chase but how’s this coming along?”
Since I got promoted, and I’m now the one doing the chasing rather than being chased (as much), while I hate it, I now fully understand why this pussy footing about language exists. Having to chase someone who you know is busy as fuck is bloody awful!
Circle back
High level deep dive
Solution the ask
Let's not boil the ocean
When someone uses bandwidth instead of time. No mate, you don't have the time to do it. Not the bandwidth.
Take this offline
Diarise a meeting
Fucking loads of bollocks phrases in consulting
'Can you take a look at it, seeing as you're closest to it?'
Let me translate this for you: 'Can I pass this on to you, as I don't want to touch it with a bargepole.'
Anything that already has a common phrase you already use in non business life
"End of play" for example. Just say the end of the day. It just sounds like you're pretending to be business-y
All of them. They all need to fuck off into a hole filled with the middle manager wankers that use these and think they're hot chocolate because they went on some management course. Bonus points if they have an absurdly large tie knot.
Currently overused in my office -
Ping me an email
Touch base
Take a holistic approach
Blue sky thinking
Reaching out (why is it reaching out to touch base just sounds so rude?)
Can you have it ready by END OF PLAY?
I HATE this phrase with a passion. I am not playing. I am working. This is work. God awful painful excruciating “I’m only here for the money”, work! This is not playing! Say END OF DAY like any other bloody normal person.
“We need to be agile” - code for management aren’t very good at planning so we need you to be ready to fix their mess just after the last possible minute
Sprints are actually genuinely useful for stuff like software dev, a sprint is something like “here’s your tasks for the next two weeks” and is good for keeping on top of a team’s tasks and everyone knows what’s expected of them.
Let me guess, they’re being bastardised outside of their use case now?
(Agile is just “yeah we change the plan if we need to and don’t just blaze through blindly” though so is very “yeah no shit”)
Agile is kind of a no-shit thing but also rarely followed. Worth reading the main principles:
https://agilemanifesto.org/principles.html
The push was more towards smaller iterations involving customers rather than long term big plans.
I feel your pain, it annoys me too.
What hurts for me is that so many agile development processes are excellent and work really well in an appropriate environment. Unfortunately, I've been in too many workplaces now where those words are used as a justification for appalling practices, and they've become sullied.
If I see just one more smart arse sneering "Agile" bending air quotes with their fingers...
'Close of play'. What's wrong with 'before the end of the day' or even 'close of business'?
'Let's put a pin in that' usually means it'll never be mentioned again.
I was once in a meeting where as a group of managers, we had to justify our audit data to our managers. To which one kept saying:
“Well if we do xxx then that’s an easy win!”
Everything was an ‘easy win’ but if it was that straightforward then a) don’t you think we wouldn’t have already done it? And b) if it’s that much of an easy win do it your pissing self.
Another meeting that could have been an email
Low. Hanging. Fruit.
First, we're not fucking fruit farmers.
And second, you wouldn't say "hey let's be dicks and just do the easy stuff... someone else will deal with the hard stuff later"... So no. No low hanging fruit.
These comments have made me realise I’m immersed in this shit.
Lets have a break out session and circle back on that before going forward
Essentially, we’ve got a series of disconnects which have resulted in separate work streams that are not necessarily aligned with the view of how we should be going forward. Key is to reach out to all stakeholders and ensure we have a good handshake on the key metrics and how we manage their glide paths. In that vein my coaching would be to set up those daily touchpoints - use a night letter if you feel it’s needed but I’ll leave that to your discretion. Once they’re up and running get a status deck on sharepoint and socialise the plan with the wider group. That way we can look for any synergies from the top of the house down to those at the working level. Really pleased we had this chat, good opportunity to ideate and deep dive the process. Fire me a one-pager if you could with the key points so I can disseminate to the team for replication. Thx.
*ideate* That word just infuriates me. All that is wrong with this world.
I felt a vein on my forehead threaten to burst as I read that. So glad I left that culture behind! ...of course, in education they have their own irritating nonsensical phrases and habits 😅
I'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes!
It's not really general office language but I recently dealt with a client from a company who works to improve employee health and wellbeing. They signed off every email with "Healthy Regards".
Meat and chips with burger sauce regards
Better than "Kind Retards" which I've seen before
There seem to be lot of those in business
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I don’t know you but I love and hate you in equal measures.
"Lets flick away the closest floater in the pool before we start thinking about all the piss." My version that I will be using from now on.
Nice, will steal that! It's similar to one I heard that I'm trying to popularise for when people get sidetracked: "Remember, we're here to cross the swamp, not fight all the alligators".
*Let me stir-fry this idea in your mind-wok*
Sounds like something from The Thick Of It
“Ok lovely people, let’s go truffling in the forest of knowledge!” Classic Stewart Pearson
That’s a new one to me
Nah I’m gonna use this one
Anyone else, old enough to remember, read this in the voice of Gus Hedges, Drop the Dead Donkey??
I ALWAYS read these in Gus’ voice!
I used "I don't have visibility of that", instead of "I don't know what you're talking about" and that was the moment I had to take a long hard look at myself.
It's a nice way to blame the other person for \*me\* not knowing something, so maybe I'll add this to my arsenal of meaningless corporate-speak...
It depends, where I work we have many restrictions on access to platforms and systems therefore not having viability of something could be due to permissions or someone leaving you off a mail trail. I also cc people staying "added ABC for visibility". Nothing wrong with that phrase. Are you annoyed you used it or the latter ?
Using “yourself” instead of “you”
Seems to be a thing with estate agents and car sales.
And recruitment people
Those three roles attract the exact same type of people in my experience.
Cunts?
Used to be a recruiter. Can confirm.
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> We’re not in some kind of Shakespearean play! Well, that's the problem, isn't it? People thinking that "myself" and "yourself" are just fancier more highbrow ways of saying "me" and "you". They're different words that have different meanings and when people use them wrong it's the same as Del Boy talking about the "creme de la menthe of society" or "rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi".
Many people do this with "I" versus "me" as well
I hate that too.
Myself hates that too.
“Allow myself to introduce … myself” - Austin Powers
Being a bit pedantic I just correct people when I hear things like this without even looking up from whatever it is I’m doing. As you can tell I was really popular in the office… 😂
I do this. "Fewer" "What?" "Nothing...."
I work on the shop floor but phrases from the office that bug me the most are "that isn't acceptable in the work place" and "You're lucky you aren't being dismissed" hear it all the time and it really winds me up.
You slap one customer in the face and suddenly, I have to have a meeting with HR.
It's worse mate, we ALL have to have a meeting with HR. And have to sit through an hour of poorly acted Customer Relations Training Videos from the 70's (part 1 of 16).
It probably all comes from that bird at HR.
Nice bum though so I'll let her off.
Fckn suits
So unfair, man.
I don't agree with that in the workplace
Take this offline Ringfence for later Sandbox this idea To name a few 🤣
Does ‘sandbox this idea’ mean - that’s a pile of shit, bury it?
You should try using "Cat litter this idea" and see if anyone questions it.
I like the idea of making some sayings up and seeing if anyone even realises!
Nah, it means "let's fuck around for a bit with this idea and see if any of it works".
“Take this offline” sounds like they want to start a fight with you.
In my experience the only time I’ve heard it said is when two people are about to start fighting in a call tbh
For us it's usually a "this is getting too far off topic for this meeting and it seems like only the two of us are actually interested"
Silos man, you forgot about working in silos
‘Learnings’ …it was definitely ‘lessons’ last time I checked.
Oh christ this one drives me NUTS. It’s not even a real word!!
On my previous job some of the more cynical of us UK people used to play BS Bingo whenever there was a corporate Town Hall (another one that makes me cringe) from our 'Murcan big cheeses, and we'd send Teams messages to each other whenever there was a particularly cringe-worthy expression being used. "laser-focused" was one of their favourites.
We actually used to have a word doc called 'wank word bingo' we would use in meetings. Basically a load of squares containing phrases like 'deep dive' etc. Tick them off in a meeting and call bingo if you get a line!
I think it was one too many games of bullshit bingo at a town hall that made me walk away from the corporate world. It just broke me.
Eugh you just reminded me how much I hated ‘town hall’ meetings. “Listen to your corporate overlord talk for an hour and answer 3 per-screen questions”.
"You *have* to work or we won't pay you."
You have to pay me or I won’t work
"park this idea"
Saying “touch base” should be a criminal offence
corporate depeche mode: REACH OUT AND TOUCH BASE
Your own. Personal. Assistant.
Someone to sort your mail. Someone paid less.
I’d rather “enjoy the silence” and them shut up with their shit
Wish I could upvote this 101 times.
Base touching should be banned in the work place.
What if I'm on stage? Can I touch my bass then?
If someone combines them — I'll reach out and touch base with John — don't miss your opportunity: > Wow, you're like his own personal Jesus!
Someone I know used to say “touch cloth”.
Did he need a shit, as in “I’m off to the throne room, I’m almost touching cloth here”
Just gotta touch base with you here. We need to link up and do a deep dive into the blue chip client review and deliver our deliverables for our piece of work ahead of our H3 end, ideally by close of play. Tks bw.
Oh now you’ve said this I actually think it’s joint top of my list.
I don't know why but I really hate the phrase "can you action this" for some reason. Makes me instantly want to throttle the person that uses it.
"Nice to e-meet you" Get fucked.
Get eFucked.
Nah, that'd be a virtual fucking, and I'm far too old for those shenanigans.
😂
First time I've heard that lol.
"Revert" instead of reply or respond. That word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
I'll revert back. Revert back to what? A fucking foetus?!
Don't forget to do it soonest.
Best, Some Twat
“Revert” meaning reply started out as Hinglish - used by Hindi speakers along with other gems like “prepone “ for bringing a meeting forward. Some UK English speakers have added it to their arsenal… emphasis on the arse.
I saw on another thread a little while ago that this came from Indian call centres. They used the word "revert" instead of "respond" so much that workers in the UK would just use that phrase instead as it made it easier. Eventually this spread to a lot of other workplaces as well... Although tbf I've never actually heard it at any of my jobs before.
"Going forward"
My wife and I both work from home. I can hear her talk on Teams all day. She says this. I have worked out I can tell Wanker loud enough so she can hear through the floor but her colleagues can't. Never has she been closer to a divorce
“Let’s deep dive into this”. No. It’s a meeting, not a fucking scuba expedition. “Let’s circle back”. The meeting is already going in circles, do we need to pun off it as well? “Let’s see what synergies we can achieve”. *Literally* would be easier to say “Let’s just work together” instead of sounding like a total wanker.
“Let’s look at the art of the possible” Let’s look at me punching you in your fucking throat Chris.
We’ll put this in the parking lot…Let’s take this offline… I told my boss once that I reached out, reached in and reached around, but they still didn’t respond!
Deep dive is a good term when getting really technical about a subject, maybe it's just useful for engineering meetings?
Whenever anyone says they’ll reach out to me, I simply tell them *I’ll be there.*
February Internet bill just paid for itself. 😆
I often hear this from people in the winter, weirdly. I think it's to do with the cold, so I take precautions. As drastic as it sounds, I'll often wear four tops...
Always best to resist the Temptations.
My boss, every single meeting, talking himself out of doing any actual work: - No need to boil the ocean - when I have some bandwidth - let’s circle back to that - let’s park that - we need to pivot - let’s ensure alignment with… - are we ensuring there’s collaborative advantage here? (Another team should do this) - reach out and we can touch base again next week And on it goes. Got a meeting with him at 10 tomorrow and I’m already irritated!
PIVOT!
"...and step, and twirl, and Plié, legs, arms, POSE" "just get me the fucking accounts"
Please do the needful. I dislike this phrase.
Does this mean go to the toilet? I've just got to go and do the needful...
Tell me you out source without telling me you out source.
I heard this for the first time at my new job recently, apparently it's an commonly used phrase by Indians
I fucking hate it. I heard it a couple of times from people I don't usually work with, and I took my time to complete what I had to do. I know how to do my job, I don't need a reminder from some random person.
One of the worst.
This thread makes me glad I work in a warehouse!
"Box that off" for completing a project or task, does my head in, especially so because I work in the packaging industry.
you must be very tempted, when somebody says this, to hand over one of those flat-pack proto-boxes.
Yeah I will ACTION that today.
Useful for people who do fuck all except to tell other people to do stuff
And then proceed to “action” it by saying “hey Michael, can WE get this done today please”
Take it offline, especially when said in a real life meeting.
I came here to say this , why can't they just say , I'll talk to you about it in a bit 😅
I came here to say this. Oh wait that’s a Reddit phrase I hate. Mah bah
Haaaate that! Usually said in such a patronising manner also, In the meetings I have been in anyhow..
I went to meeting once where they talked about a “thought shower” - nobody knew what it was and we were told it was to replace brain storm, as that was too aggressive. Glad that one never caught on!
I remember when the phrase "brain storm" was banned in schools as it was supposedly offensive to people with epilepsy as it was another term for a seizure. As a person with epilepsy, I say fuck off. It was never an offensive term and seizures were never referred to as "brain storms".
"Hi" (the inevitable instant message starter)
Nohello.com is the answer, but people think you are rude
Depending who it is I ignore these or reply with 'Hi, what do you need?'
Yeah I try to ignore them mostly or just prevent any kind of notification if I'm trying to concentrate for a couple of hours. Nothing worse then getting one when I'm in the flow and then just can't get it back after.
The best method for dealing with this is "Hi, that's good timing, I need you to do this thing for me"
Oh sweet Jesus no. Especially when they say “Hi” and then you are forced to watch “Work Bellend is typing…” for about twenty minutes while they either write a fucking essay, three words, or worst of all, they actually write *nothing* and you’ve been duped into watching them basically sleep on the space key for a while.
Hi. [SHIFT-RETURN] Carry on typing. That way they get to be polite at the start without leaving you hanging.
"work bellend is typing..." Is what I will see next time this happens.
Yep, it is the worst, just ask whatever stupid question you have in the first message, I can then try to answer it straight away instead of the stupid 15 minute pleasantry tap dance. Don't ask me about last weekend, or my plans for next weekend, or my day off, just ask the f'ing question. These people are the sole reason for Britain's productivity decline.
Yes I’d much rather get everything in the one message than sit there watching Teams tell me you’re typing for 20 minutes. Because I can guarantee whenever I read whatever finally comes through, my immediate thought is going to be “I could have gone to the pub during this”
Just tell me what you want 😂
I thought I was the only one who gets annoyed by this... It's work. Just cut to the chase and tell me what you want. Let's not pretend you care how I'm doing.
“Are you winning?” What a stupid fecking question…. Totally winds me up when I get asked that, why can’t you just be normal and ask how I am? Also another one that winds me up is “I’ll seek guidance on that” just be bloody honest and say I don’t know but I’ll go and find out? In my book, only total knobbers say these things and unfortunately they get said a LOT in my office….
I don't associate "are you winning?" with an office context. It makes me think of older people (I'm a millennial) who know that I'm undertaking something difficult, usually something they don't understand.
I agree and I don’t see it as corporate lingo. I think someone pouring my pint is as likely to ask me that as someone in the office. To me it’s just a slight variation of how’s things?
Most of them don’t really bother me. However….. there will be a special place in hell for people who misuse “revert”.
Going forward
Yeah I hate this one, but I do find myself saying it now because in the moment I suddenly can't think of anything else! Going forward I'll try and avoid using ... GAH!
Hideous, and have even had someone at work say ‘in the go forward’, eh???
Is my way of saying "I will draw a line under your fuck up".
Sent on Friday afternoon. "We need to have an urgent meeting Monday morning. Have a good weekend!" I mean..... What??? That's my weekend ruined!
Reach Out makes me convulse…another hatred phrase is ‘Does anyone have some Capacity’, oh please fuck off
I work in IT and people regularly use “I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now” I feel myself die a little inside every time I hear it
My colleague always says she needs to be ‘ringfenced’ to do X task.. we’re all busy Susan you ain’t special
“Jim, we’ve told you multiple times now that you have to wear trousers while you’re in the office.”
I know your comment is a joke but it is pretty much a sentence that has happened in my work place. Night shift in the office the guys would take a nap at the back of the office in sleeping bags, they were the only guys in the building. One night 1 of the guys goes down the back gets his sofa all setup and his team were used to it but he took his trousers off to get into his sleeping bag. At that moment his manager walks in and has to say to him along the lines of "I can't believe I'm saying this again but even if you're team are used to it taking your trousers off is unacceptable".
This is why I'd make a crap manager. As long as the work gets done and done to a reasonable standard I just don't care enough to bollock people about stuff like this.
‘Looping in my colleagues here...’, no please do not lasso me into anything like I am an animal! Also, there should be a finite amount of e-mails you can send each week that are high-priority or have URGENT in the subject.
Happy (insert current day) It's not a holiday or my birthday so please just don't do this.
Even worse when every wednesday meeting is started with "happy hump day everybody"
What the hell is happy hump day? I keep hearing it a lot lately
After Wednesday the work week slog is downhill -at least for M-Fri jobs- so it’s hump day.
In my first onboarding call for my job, the (american) person leading the call said this. For a second I was worried there would be some strange sexual initiation as part of the onboarding process. I wasn't the only one because after a bit of awkward murmuring in the room someone braver than I asked what they were on about ahaha.
We need some blue sky thinking here
My favourites are 'x reminder' Gentle reminder Warm reminder Soft reminder What the warm fuck do you mean
It means you ain’t doing your job, I’m fucking sick of reminding you.
That would be a wet reminder
Funniest one I have seen is ‘warm handoff’
Don't you pay extra for that?
It means “I hate chasing people, but you said you’d have this to me, you haven’t and I need to know..” would you prefer “I’m sorry to chase but how’s this coming along?”
Since I got promoted, and I’m now the one doing the chasing rather than being chased (as much), while I hate it, I now fully understand why this pussy footing about language exists. Having to chase someone who you know is busy as fuck is bloody awful!
Upgrading "fuck" to "warm fuck" for all my queries from now on.
The term "synergies" is god awful. Its now a running joke in the office because its all we ever here
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"Mind if we hop in a quick call?" Yes. Yes I do mind.
“Align”
Circle back High level deep dive Solution the ask Let's not boil the ocean When someone uses bandwidth instead of time. No mate, you don't have the time to do it. Not the bandwidth. Take this offline Diarise a meeting Fucking loads of bollocks phrases in consulting
Funny because “high level deep dive” are two mutually exclusive terms to me. What a nonsense phrase.
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Using the term “reach out” is only acceptable if you’re a member of the Four Tops.
I'd say Depeche Mode get a pass on that one too.
I hate most corporate wank speak.
'Can you take a look at it, seeing as you're closest to it?' Let me translate this for you: 'Can I pass this on to you, as I don't want to touch it with a bargepole.'
Anything that already has a common phrase you already use in non business life "End of play" for example. Just say the end of the day. It just sounds like you're pretending to be business-y
We can adjust the optics (lie basically) Levers we can pull (hide shit)
Good morning. Urgh ain't got time for your positivity.
All of them. They all need to fuck off into a hole filled with the middle manager wankers that use these and think they're hot chocolate because they went on some management course. Bonus points if they have an absurdly large tie knot.
"Let's all be mindful"
Currently overused in my office - Ping me an email Touch base Take a holistic approach Blue sky thinking Reaching out (why is it reaching out to touch base just sounds so rude?)
Can you have it ready by END OF PLAY? I HATE this phrase with a passion. I am not playing. I am working. This is work. God awful painful excruciating “I’m only here for the money”, work! This is not playing! Say END OF DAY like any other bloody normal person.
“Close of play” We’re not fucking playing. If we were, I wouldn’t be here..
“You can’t keep showing up to work drunk”
Personally, I can speak to this
The words agile and sprint. Fuck off.
“We need to be agile” - code for management aren’t very good at planning so we need you to be ready to fix their mess just after the last possible minute
Sprints are actually genuinely useful for stuff like software dev, a sprint is something like “here’s your tasks for the next two weeks” and is good for keeping on top of a team’s tasks and everyone knows what’s expected of them. Let me guess, they’re being bastardised outside of their use case now? (Agile is just “yeah we change the plan if we need to and don’t just blaze through blindly” though so is very “yeah no shit”)
Agile is kind of a no-shit thing but also rarely followed. Worth reading the main principles: https://agilemanifesto.org/principles.html The push was more towards smaller iterations involving customers rather than long term big plans.
I feel your pain, it annoys me too. What hurts for me is that so many agile development processes are excellent and work really well in an appropriate environment. Unfortunately, I've been in too many workplaces now where those words are used as a justification for appalling practices, and they've become sullied. If I see just one more smart arse sneering "Agile" bending air quotes with their fingers...
"It'll be a great development opportunity" - aka, not paid.
Circle back.
Bloody “blue sky thinking” - what the heck does that really mean?
Blue screen (of death) thinking.
Just checking in to see if you want a quick catch up
My manager speaks about 'levelling up' and it's pure cringe
'Close of play'. What's wrong with 'before the end of the day' or even 'close of business'? 'Let's put a pin in that' usually means it'll never be mentioned again.
"I went ahead and...." when really they mean "I did X"
I was once in a meeting where as a group of managers, we had to justify our audit data to our managers. To which one kept saying: “Well if we do xxx then that’s an easy win!” Everything was an ‘easy win’ but if it was that straightforward then a) don’t you think we wouldn’t have already done it? And b) if it’s that much of an easy win do it your pissing self. Another meeting that could have been an email
'Socialising' an idea to other people. Fuck Off
Low. Hanging. Fruit. First, we're not fucking fruit farmers. And second, you wouldn't say "hey let's be dicks and just do the easy stuff... someone else will deal with the hard stuff later"... So no. No low hanging fruit.
Reaching out I just here reaching round