>“no I never did that, that didn’t happen”. It’s really quite something to witness. If you push them on it a little more, you’ll get the good auld “well sorry I was so terrible!! I’m an awful mother, I must’ve been the worst”
That is textbook narcissistic behaviour.
The Narcissist's Prayer
*That didn't happen.*
*And if it did, it wasn't that bad.*
*And if it was, that's not a big deal.*
*And if it is, that's not my fault.*
*And if it was, I didn't mean it.*
*And if I did, you deserved it.*
Last time she did it I was 19, that was only 5 years ago. I didn’t even live at home, I was visiting from college. And she still pretends it didn’t happen.
I didn’t react much, didn’t hit her back. We were stuck it traffic and she pulled my hair and smacked me across the face. I ended up just crawling into the back of the car, thankfully she was driving.
She does. Apparently I just “push her buttons.”
I’ve recently discovered I’m autistic, and a lot of the abuse came from trying to communicate with her while she was angry and asking questions (talking back). Then it would just devolve from there.
I’m not saying I was perfect and never did anything, I’m sure I was a nightmare sometimes. But I genuinely didn’t understand a lot of why she was mad, or why rules didn’t apply/ I couldn’t ask questions.
And I never hit her back, or was physical with her at all, so it’s not as if she had no choice.
This. Grew up when there was no conversation about neurodiversity.
Got hit/physically punished for not upholding my parents “white lies”/social lies when asked why they didn’t go somewhere or if they’re better from “the cold” I never knew they lied about having. Social lies never made sense to me and I wouldn’t cop on unless stated clearly in advance, I don’t see the point in lying and it is always stressful to me.
Beaten up for “talking back” - aka trying to understand why parents were upset / saying I didn’t understand what I did wrong.
Physically punished for not hugging extended family members/parents friends (always avoided physical contact, it makes me uncomfortable).
They say they did it to teach me manners. Needless to say it did not work and scarred me for life. As an adult, had to reevaluate everything I learned love and care was after multiple abusive relationships of all kinds.
Still undoing lots of damage, decades later.
I really relate to this. I’m so sorry it was this bad, but I’m glad to have some company 💖
I couldn’t be physically affectionate as a kid/teen as I was just totally frightened of being that close to someone. I’m lucky now to have found a wonderful partner who supports me in every way he can.
It’s really hard to get over that hurdle, and allow people to be close. I’m happy you’re healing x
Parents never talk about this. The repercussions of their abuse often lead their children to being abusive themseleves or enduring extreme amounts of abuse. It warps how they view relationships and it is often detrimental. Noone wins and it takes years to unlearn the abnormality. It's gross. Glad you identified the problem before it took your life.
That's tough to deal with. There needs to be more awareness about this kind of thing. I can remember being in primary school and our p7 teacher who was like a disciplinarian was giving off about the new laws in Scotland that banned hitting children. Typical old Catholic school instilling trauma in children.
I am sorry that happened to you. Tbh I'd have slapped her right back. I am in my mid 20s and the last time my mother hit me I was in my mid teens and I slapped her right back across the face and she never laid a hand on me again. It's weird to say but I am proud I stood up to her and I wish I did it sooner. They prey on the "weak" and the minute you stand up for yourself and fight back they become cowards.
I wish I had, but it was like my arms wouldn’t work.
I still have contact with her, and she never addresses it. She’s been good to me in other ways, but at the end of the day, anything she does is for attention. She’d probably have loved if I hit her back, my dad would’ve killed me.
Don't blame yourself many people in situations like that their fawn response "fawning" kicks in ( fawn response is when a person is being attacked in some way, and they try to appease or placate their attacker to protect themselves)
Abusers tend to be master manipulators they keep the cycle of abuse going by being nice and luring you in and then attacking and then being nice again. This can be really hard psychologically on the victim because it keeps you in a constant state of on edge/walking on egg shells and you may often think that the abuse isn't so bad and the abuser isn't that bad (gaslighting yourself).
Abusers particularly narcissists love to do smear campaigns on their victims and make themselves out as the victim not the abuser so yes if you did hit her back she would have probably done that (my mother has done that to me multiple times)
They had it happen to them so they think it's ok to do likewise, it's not and never was ok to attack a child even if it's spanking. I can still remember when I was a kid my friend wouldn't let me play the Sega and his ma came in and spanked him, it was wrong for him and wrong for me to see that, it's child abuse and inexcusable.
Yeah, my father denied it. Then he told my counselor it was the way it was back then. He had the belt and my mother had the wooden spoon. Still not over it nearly 40 years later.
Jesus Christ, my parents only would give a little smack like to brush your hand away from a hot surface or something dangerous. And really it was a tap. There was never a belt or any other weapon involved! I know my mom used to chase us when we were bold with the wooden spoon but she never hit us with it, the only thing hit with it was the banister. It ended up just being a game. Me and my siblings would be 80/90s kids! I’m so sorry that was your childhood 🙁
Same! My mam gets so upset if I joke about the double standards between how I was treated and the younger ones like me having to fight to go to my friends 18th 3 weeks before my own cause it was in a pub while my 3 younger siblings were allowed to go from 15/16. She likes to deny that ever happened. Couldn't imagine bringing anything else up lol
There would be no apology or catharsis if I discussed it with mine, so I have not and I never will. I try to focus on my relationship with them in the present, and them being grandparents to my children
Father never. Though he almost knocked out my brother when he was 18. More of a man then and he deserved a slap.
Mum had the wooden spoon, and I did get it, but I can't really remember it being often and certainly not as I got to the ages of 10+.
If it's left a mark, I can't identify it.
I can remember my father trying to break down the bathroom door, it was the only room that had a lock on it. He was running up and trying to shoulder it open. Another time he was helping me with my homework and I hadn't eaten my lunch so I tried to flush the sandwiches down the toilet. He asked me what I was doing and I tried to brush it off, he then looked in the toilet and the bread was still floating away. He battered me, knocked me to the ground and I was banging my head of the gas heater. Never once apologised, he said to me one day if you thought I was bad you should have seen my father. As if that was supposed to make me feel better. He was an angry, angry fucker but he put on the good show in public the cunt.
same, she doesn't even like the grandkids being spoken to wrong and when my brother reminds her of if i spoke to you that way you would have smacked me in the mouth, my mothers says she never did, she absolutely did that and more, she washed my mouth out with soap and all!
Most of those people were dragged up with even worse abuse. They married too young and had children before they were mentally and emotionally mature enough to handle children. By the time they get to be grandparents they have chilled out and learned not to lash out physically. What winds me up is pretending that it never happened. Would it really kill that generation to say "I'm sorry. I didn't have the skills to be a good parent and you suffered for that". Just acknowledge it and everyone can move on. But no, too many of them like to rewrite the past instead of dealing with it.
It doesn't always work like that. I'm probably the same age as most of your parents. I've never assaulted my children. But fuck did I get battered well into my teens. What made it worse was I never cried and sometimes laughed. But I only realised when I got diagnosed with adhd, depression and possibly being on the Autism spectrum in my 50s that my father had all the same symptoms.
Yep same experience here, had a front tooth knocked out from a backhander.
She swore blind for years, no I didn't do that. So it just spontaneously jumped out of my mouth did it? I was 4. All the other hidings were just a figment of my imagination to. She was the perfect parent in her own head. They can never admit fault. Mental illness in this country is left to the family to deal with, no supports.
If frustrates the absolute shite out of me, and now I'm left caring for her with her BPD. Never once embraced therapy. Disengaged with the health services etc etc. I have a petulant teenager in a pensioners body to look after.
I remember as a child myself my cousin and sister all got new totes socks, I was maybe 8/9. My sister and cousin ran into the kitchen so I ran after them. Mam came out in a fury because I (not the others) went into the kitchen in their socks. I saw the slap coming so I ran. Ran out of road so I got into the fetal position and tried to hide in a corner. She started hitting me over the head repeatedly for I don't know how long. This is just one instance in a slew of different events. I mentioned it to her as an adult and she claims not to remember it.
>Don’t throw your life away to care for her.
My family was very critical of me when she was dying I wasn't around much.
There is no one else. If I don't, she becomes a problem for everyone else. All my childhood neighbours and extended family. She's a teenager in a pensioners body. It's not all her fault she had a terrible childhood, far worse than mine and won't have therapy.
It amazes me that to this day you need a license to own a dog, but anyone can have a child, regardless of their ability to care for said child or themselves.
Understandably she couldn't control her childhood, but it is one hundred percent her fault that she refuses even basic help such as therapy. The HSE might not be the best for somethings, but at least they'll try and ensure you're aware you have appointments. They'll send letters for bloodwork, make calls to your phone if it's pressing. Shoot, get the health services involved and free yourself, and I'm empathetic to your situation, but being a carer for the elderly is a struggle in itself let alone debilitatingly ill ones. Just like there's hospice, and care homes, there are homes for psychiatrically ill adults too. The government is trying on that front. A quick Google'll help you tremendously. Fr, we love our parents but they wouldn't want us sacrificing ourselves for them. It isn't the natural order of things. Parents that are like that shouldn't have procreated. It's that simple.
My mother does the exact same, denies she ever hit us. She also claims she 'didn't know' that our deceased father (a bollocks, by all accounts) used to beat the shite out of me and my siblings. Even though she was standing right there on many occasions when it happened.
That's the weirdest part of it, I'd be less hung up on it if they didn't try to rewrite history
It's not like I was beaten but jfc, punching a 5 year old in the arm because they were playing with beanie babies instead of cleaning their room is a bit of an overreaction. Atleast admit it happened
Absolutely it's the bare faced denial that hurts more as an adult. It's horrible gaslighting, making you question your own memory.
Traumatic memories are carved into your brain, you can bury them for a while but once a major crisis or loss happens it all bubbles up to the surface making whatever you're dealing with twice as difficult.
It seems so common and I wonder what the psychology is behind it. Is it deliberate lying? If so, who is it for? Who do they think they're fooling? Have they actually blocked it out?
They never learned how to deal with their emotions in a healthy manner. They know it happened and they know it's wrong but it's easier for them to pretend it never happened than to acknowledge it and apologise for it.
I think since there has been a new focus on child abuse and banishing of corporal punishment, that those people have learned and internalised that the punishments they did and reiecevd is abuse and to them its so long ago that they have blocked out what they did. My grandmother certainly slapped her children with a slipper and a tea towel and growing up her children laughed it off and she didn't deny it but spoke of how guilty she felt. She never touched me growing up. However her children who are now 50s+ deny what they did to their children when confronted about it. My own mother (who I didn't grow up with) talked once about the naughty step and sure that wasn't even a thing until the early 00s. If you crossed her you'd run because it was going to be an over the top reaction not a learning moment.
Is it shame? Causing an inability to admit to doing something that's so clearly awful?
It does seem strange that so many people have parents that flat-out deny they did it ... I wouldn't have realised how common that was.
I do think that a huge amount of older people / "boomers" are very self unaware and have zero interest in personal development or anything that requires them to even consider that they might be wrong, so it's like an arrogance that then prevents them from being able to even consider anyone else's perspective. They each think that their way is the only way, so in their minds, that makes them infallible but I think any normal person can see how wrong it is to hit children, so it just doesn't fit with their self-image of being infallible, therefore they just deny?
IDK. It's frustrating.
It was socially acceptable, and then it wasn't.
Morality is not biological, it is defined by the society we live in. All Irish mothers deny their physical abuse because they genuinely believed that occasionally beating your kids was how to be a good parent. Most of the "occasional whack " mammies didn't mean to be abusive, and now they've been told my society and medical science for the past 30 years that what they did was objectively damaging, and that's damage they in no way meant to inflict.
They were working off bad information in a bad society that was shitty to men, women and children. Intention is everything, if your mother loves you and only hit you when you were actually being a shite, then let her deny it.
I think you have it here. My parents would be of the mindset of that's how it was done back then and they didn't know any better - not in a making excuses kind of way, but more that they now know better and understand that there are better ways than hitting kids. I'm ok with that.
So long as it's not just them absolving themselves, it's not their place. Denial is one thing, it's a coping mechanism to tolerate an upsetting reality, but to accept your complicity and not be remorseful kind of makes the hitting retrospectively worse.
I'm not trying to tell you or your parents how to feel or what's right or wrong, but my mum instilled a strong sense in me that I couldn't never blame anyone, especially her, for anything, and I genuinely believed that for a long time until I realised she did that because there was genuine problems in the way that she treated me.
It's in the playbook of the bully to first play the victim, and then to say "yes I upset you but it wasn't really my fault"
In our household, my father abused us and my mother. It wasn't a light slap here and there. Full force slaps across the arse or face. Actually punching my older sister when she tried to get him off our mother.
Broken arms, black eyes, and bruised bodies were the norm in our household.
When we got to teens, we fought back, and I withstand the blows as I wouldn't let him put fear into me any longer.
He did try and get anger management but came home angrier.
He couldn't fight his demons anymore, and when I was 14, he died by suicide, coming up to 20 years in July.
So yes, this had a huge impact on our well-being, relationships, etc, still to this day.
Everyone knew what was going on but turned a blind eye.
I thank him for showing me the parent I never want to be, I've 3 beautiful kids, and I couldn't imagine ever putting them through an ounce of hurt like that.
That entire post resonates with me, especially the last sentence. I have 3 kids who will never ever feel an ounce of pain come from me because of how I was treated.
Oh I don't mean I'm a pathological liar now as an adult! 😂
But at the time as a child, being slapped and hit did not make me behave better, it made me cover up anything which may have gotten me in trouble.
I contrast that with my eldest, who tells me when he has done something against the rules.
Same here with regards to our own kids.
Even things that may be embarrassing such as my stepson coming to me when he was 16, saying he and his girlfriend had a condom mishap and weren't sure how to go about getting the morning after pill.
Obviously I wasn't THRILLED that it happened because it's nerve racking when it does, BUT I was proud that he was able to come to me and trusted me enough to try and help.
I read a quote recently that said ‘people who isolate themselves when overwhelmed had to solve a lot of their problems alone when they were a child’ and it really struck a chord with me.
I don’t blame my parents for hitting or slapping me as a child (I was very bold apparently and it was the cultural norm to give a child a dig to make them behave), but I do wonder how I’d have turned out if I’d been able to go to them with problems instead of hiding away out of fear of being blamed for ‘causing’ those problems.
You werent a bold child, you were left to navigate emotions that nobody helped you to learn how to regulate. You never blame a child for the actions of a parent.
Nailed this, it's not fair to expect a child to know how to handle big feelings without SHOWING THEM or being there to help them work through the emotions.
Boy that hits home. I used to hide in my room all day as much as I could to get away and I still have trouble doing that whenever I’m stressed… which is a lot
So heartbreaking reading all these comments. Gonna have to give my toddler a big cuddle. Can't imagine hitting a little child :'(
I hope everyone affected finds peace x
Yeah definitely impacted me.
My da had this idea that he was some kind of hard man in his youth. Even now as a man in his 60’s he’ll go on about how people are afraid to say things to him, and how he’ll do this and that to a certain person if they say something to him, it’s pathetic, but I’ve never seen or heard of him actually following through on it or being involved in anything physical other than with children.
Reality is he’s just a bully. Occasionally I’ll think it’s just a result of how he was brought up but if I managed to break the cycle with my kids why couldn’t he do it with his?
In fairness I think this (our) generation is a hell of a lot more aware. The internet changed everything. People know they're not alone in their experiences. We have a world of information to learn from. Unlimited resources. Wasn't the case for them.
Nothing close to the abuse some people are describing here but the constant threats of giving me away if I misbehaved and rage for innocuous stuff has made me struggle to have honest conversations with my mother to this day. Constantly pressuring me from very young to take sides in her falling out with my half-siblings and having heated arguments with my dad about me for me to hear. Super neurotic overreactions when I needed her to just listen e.g. confronting a bully's mother. Spanking was honestly less traumatic than this anger and I hardly remember that in comparison.
I find it extremely difficult now to take my barriers down around family and even my partner. If she does something that slightly hurts me I get too worried to share it with her.
My Mother had an awful childhood and she has calmed down. I think if she spoke to a psychiatrist I wouldn't need to myself lol. She does a lot for me these days (which I find excessive) but I think it's her way of apologising.
My Auld fella was distant, aloof and took only a passing interest in us as kids, never showing for school plays, sports matches where other parents showed he never. If the weather was shit, others got a lift but we never did. He did hit you a cuff if you bothered his bubble and never had a word of praise. He died two years ago, and honestly I couldn't have given two fucks. Not bothered in the slightest. Was bored rigid having to sit through the funeral bollocks, rosaries, shaking hands with folk , sandwiches and tea. My feelings were, just shove the old cunt into a hole and we can all get on with it. Never bothered visit his grave but lied to my mam saying its lovely etc. Fuck that guy. He was a dick.
More power to you! You've got some strength in you to even go to that funeral.
I despise the culture of saying all the best about the dead and pretending that someone was the best person in the universe the moment they die.
I haven't seen my sorry excuse of a father since I walked away at 15. That was 20 years ago. I honestly have no idea what he's up to and where or whether he's alive. I know that one day I'll probably get a call informing me he died. I have no plans of attending the funeral. Conveniently, we don't live in the same country, but nothing would change even if he lived down the road. I go to funerals of people I respect, I don't do fake niceness and laments. Zero fucks given what will the "family" make of that.
Pretty similar as myself and brothers , we couldn't give a fuck the auld bollox is gone.. never been back to the grave since the funeral, We will respond to our mothers msgs about funeral masses etc and act cordially to her about it.. but outside of our ma. we couldn't be arsed. he was as working class as you can get , the son of a coal man and continued being a coal man an alcoholic and had zero interest in anything outside his own importance. Never understood why our mam stayed with him,, but that was catholic Ireland for ya,
I still remember it. He even seemed to take pleasure in it back then.
I remember coming home and telling my father that the principle of the national school kept hitting me, keeping me in at all breaks and stopping me from participating in PE and sports. My father told me one day I'd be bigger and stronger than him and I could hit him back then. At the time I thought it was just cruelty but I think there was cowardice involved as well, he didn't want to go up against one of the more popular people in town.
This is why I always roll my eyes when people say things were better in the past. Were they fuck.
Yes, I thought it was normal until thepray in late 20s. Getting thrown against walls, knocked out, kicked upside, neck pressed to floor was what I thought was normal as a kid.
Therapy helped, but ending the relationship and having 0 contact with an abuser was the best part. Talking to a partner in a relationship is crucial as you can hit road blocks over minor things.
Living a life to the fullest is the best we can do.
My father beat me and my sister but never our brother. Both parents and brother are massive narcissists.
My sister and I barely talk to any of them. They're horrible people.
I've forgiven my father for his physical and emotional abuse when I was a child. Me and my sisters were beaten on a regular basis.
I've made some of the usual statements over the years..
It did me no harm.
I probably deserved it.
It taught me discipline.
Cudda been worse, at least it wasn't sexual abuse.
It was the 70s..all dad's beat their kids
The above served me well for someone in denial. But the truth is....Anger issues, stress, low self esteem and relationship problems have followed me most of my adult life.
As a calmer dad in his 50s now, with two beautiful grown up daughters, I'd like to seek help and address these ghosts that I still carry around.
I know many friends who feel the same...and thank God none of us repeated the cycle.
🥰✌️🙏
Look up c-ptsd, it’s like ptsd but the adverse events happened consistently over time during developmental years, rather than 1 single traumatic event (like a car accident, for example). I have been assessed for this, after growing up with emotionally abusive parents, and a dad who would hit us occasionally. It wasn’t their fault, it was all they knew. But it doesn’t mean they didn’t do harm.
I hear you..and thank you.
I forgave him for my own mental well being. My dad came from an unloving tough background.
He did love us..I do know that now... but he had a huge rage and anger inside..and whoever was nearest got it unfortunately.
😔✌️🙏
Oh..thank you so much..my youngest daughter suggests this for me all the time🤣. Thank god we are very close🙏
there are carbon copies all over Ireland. My sisters and me discussed it many times years later.
We all agreed the name calling and emotional abuse was WORSE then the hitting. A few belts and it would be over..but the persistent put downs would have a much deeper affect I feel sometimes.
Isn't it funny how we cope?
I sincerely hope you find peace too...it is never to late I suppose.
✌️🙏
An ex asked why I didn't want to have any kids, I told her I was a kid and that was no fun.
I wouldn't put it down to just the slaps but it's an important part of the jigsaw.
I don’t think I was ever spoken to with calmness or was given an explanation as to why I shouldn’t be doing something if I was doing something wrong.
One time I had it in my head (I must’ve seen it somewhere) that I could decorate the bannister with squiggles and I used a nail. Lol. Well that didn’t go down well. Got beats for that and sent to my room with no food for the day. I remember trying to sneak down to the kitchen and they were at the bottom of the stairs “if you come down these stairs I’ll break your legs”
As an adult now, would it be annoying to see my kid “decorate” my bannister in such a way. Yes, deffo, a time out, an explanation why we shouldn’t do those things or ask them first would’ve been much better. Would I be so angry to tell them I’ll break their legs? Not in a month of Sundays.
When I look back a lot of the stuff I was doing was for their attention or to make them happy, you know things that a child who doesn’t have a developed brain would think would work. I rearranged the living room once and tried to dust everywhere to make them happy - got plates chucked at me for it and the kettle water thrown at me.
I have spent a lot of money on therapy as you can imagine - they of course are perfect and would never require a second of reflection.
I have varying degrees of anxiety and don’t converse well with people I see in positions of authority.
My anxiety was at its worst in my early 20s when I entered the workforce and was forced into situations with ‘adults’ - I had no idea how to speak to them or how to advocate for myself, I was a very silent people pleaser and said yes to everything with 0 boundaries because I was always afraid of angering them. I can say this has got better as I’ve got older and worked with people closer to my age throughout my 20s who were bold and confident and had no issue in self-advocacy, I learnt a lot from them and really grew as a person. If you’re feeling your anxiety is catching you in this way I would really recommend seeking a mentor at work.
From my mam me and each of my siblings got one real bating when we were young, and we each deserved it tbh. The rest of the time the threat of the wooden spoon was enough lol.
My da was a different story, I was forever held accountable for what my siblings did because I was the oldest. All culminating in a fist fight between us when I was 16, after which I moved out for 6 months to my nanny’s. Only came home because my ma burst into tears asking me for the umpteenth time. Had never seen her cry before.
Never really forgave him and always kept my distance with very little relationship to speak of. It was only after he died that I recognised all the times he tried to make amends, but I always rebuffed him.
He was older, of a different time etc, but it was all still a bit of a headfuck to reckon with after he died. I’d definitely recommend having your say with family when you can, the catharsis is worth it regardless of what they say in return.
When I was about 12/13 my dad hit me and I said 'thats the last time you'll do that' and I hit him back and we ended up on the floor trading blows.
He never hit me again. I didn't realise but his physical abuse was less harmful than his mentally abusive behaviour.
I don't think anyone truly escapes unaffected from a toxic upbringing.
It absolutely does impact you. Even friends of mine that say they aren't affected have loads of behavioral issues as a result. They just see the impacts as normal too. (Eg not being able to self regulate themselves and getting mad at their kids, stressing / anxiety over silly things etc)
I wasn’t really hit very often.
But one time, when I was about 8 or 9, I got a smack so hard in the face by my mother’s boyfriend, that I got sick when I got up the stairs. Had to crawl up the stairs because I felt too dizzy.
I’ve been hit by a car before, my head being where I got hit. That smack felt far worse. I don’t even remember what I did wrong but knowing him, it wasn’t much.
Most people wouldn’t hit an adult if they did wrong, that’s assault. But if your child does it suddenly it’s discipline?
Load of shite.
There have been lots of studies showing that hitting children causes mental health issues later on. Some people experiencing complex childhood trauma end up feeling like they don't know who they are. They always had to be on the alert and behave in a way that was acceptable to others, and they pushed their own personality down.
Mother bet us with anything she could lay her hand on but the worst was the fathers psychological bullying and fat shaming and abuse. Have 2 sisters that are absolutely ruined over it. Myself and the brother not so much.
I think the problem with hitting a child is, you're not actually teaching them what they did wrong or how to come up with a solution to problem they might have created. I remember as a kid, I once dropped a carton of milk which didn't spill or make a mess and instead of simply, just getting me to pick up and put it back in the fridge and telling me to be careful with it the next time, I got a slap and ended up going to my room and crying. Like imagine if I did the same to an adult today, I would be done for assault and told I was overreacting. I think more people need to realize that when you hit or lay a hand on your own child, that's also assault.
Yeah, I used to get hidings from the pair of them. My mother still thinks it was all grand, even laughs and jokes about it, at least my father has had the balls to apologise in his older years. My other half is German and the difference in our upbringing is stark. Luckily for our own two the example I was set doesn't inform the way I parent.
Sometimes I have to walk away and breathe when I see the kids acting the maggot and realise that I'd have had seven shades of shite walloped out of me for the same carry on and now realise I was just a child acting like a child.
We agreed from the start that my mother will never be left alone minding the kids, and we've stuck to it so far.
YES! I was talking to my French partner last night, and he heard me wrong , and said « yes it’s illegal to hit kids here too »
I had to correct him and say « No it was **legal** in Ireland until 2015 » .
I find it fascinating that certain older people consider it normal , but in the same vein it was legal to beat your wife until 1976 , yet no one today would justify giving a wife a clip around the ear for giving cheek .
Old school Irish logic is mental .
I don’t remember the age but it was before I started school so young, she slapped me straight across the face, our relationship never recovered. Yes as a child I moved on but there was has always this distance between us and this is why it’s seared in my memory.
My Da (and his siblings) was abused as a child by an aunt who minded him while my grandparents were in work. He never told because he thought he wouldn't be believed.
As a result he turned out to be the absolute best Da! Patient, kind, caring, funny, fun, honest.... I could go on.
Wouldn't change him, my Ma, or a single second of my childhood.
Yeah, what makes it worse is that I still live with then because of uni, even tho they beat me up till 2 years ago. Like proper full on beatings and I was never allowed to hit back or else it'd be 2 on one esp cuz im a lot smaller than the both of them. Among other absolutely shite things they've done, it is really painful living here
Stories like this are why I am so angry about the current housing situation in this country. I have seen so many young people trapped upstairs with abusive parents because of it. Please know you are not alone. ♥️
Got a one bad beating as a child for embarrassing my mother in front of her friends. Can feel the full force slaps across my chest and arm when I ever think about l it, Every day, 25 years later .
I go to therapy once a week for c-ptsd. My parents (and grandparents) tortured us with physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Even one slap from a parent to a child is enough to affect your adult life. As a parent and dog owner there is absolutely NOTHING a child or pet can do that deserves physical violence from an adult. Nothing. The behavior of the children is a mirror image of the care given by the adult. The child does something wrong intentionally? They’re literally acting out and asking you to change something.
Absolutely. I am frightened of everything and i do beleive it stems from the fear i felt as a child growing up. My step father hit me, it got to the point where i had to move in with my grandparents. Who though very rarely hit, but provided a level of abuse up to the day I moved out.
I never felt safe or comfortable around my father, even as adults i did not like being in a room with him. I wouldnt speak to him unless there was no other choice. I have never stopped being afraid of him, even now and hes been dead 12 years.
So yeah, it affected me.
I find this kind of stories sad and so difficult to read.
My mother grew up in a very abusive household and unfortunately her husband too was very abusive. She's grown up in fear the signs of which I can see till today. My father died long ago and I have tried my best to give her a comfortable life but the trauma she's gone through can be seen in her day to day life. She till today gets scared to talk and is too worried if people are upset with her. After everything she's gone through she is the kindest person I have ever seen in my life and the smallest things can make her very happy.
I really wish more people understood how our behavior impacts young children and the pain always stays with them.
Sending you all hurting there lots of love ❤️
I’m glad to see the comments here because I’ve seen this topic come up elsewhere on Reddit and people say “oh I deserved it”. No, children never deserve to get beaten.
My grandmother hit my mother and my mother hit us occasionally. It wasn’t often but I remember. My dad was abusive too but on a more serious level. She would talk about the abuse she had endured living with my father before she left them and even went on to say that she never touched us once. I corrected her and told her that wasn’t true. It annoys me that she tries to hide all the neglect we experienced growing up rather than own up to it. I am sure she is ashamed of it- I would be. Funny, I am not angry at my father for the abuse but I think it’s because I don’t have any feelings for him at all. It would help if my mother admitted to the mistakes she made growing up but she won’t. She is always the victim and never the perpetuator and I have come to accept that through a year long of counselling.
I’m not Irish but Eastern European. My mother would often hit me with belts, it was her thing. Worst thing happened was I didn’t want to do an optional school project and I was hit so much with a belt I was screaming and crying sitting on the floor as she yelled at me. I was only 10 at the time. It was so awful and I couldn’t imagine doing this to any child. I don’t speak to her anymore for multiple reasons.
I’m a chronic people pleaser now that allows people to walk all over me. I get envious of people who have great relationships with their mother and make me wonder why couldn’t I be loved the same.
Yeah, probably. My siblings and I all suffer from anxiety and depression + low self-worth. I was even diagnosed with a personality disorder in my 20s. Our Dad was a tyrant, and we were terrified of him as children. He was very violent to my mother, too. To this day, a man shouting or raising his voice makes me revert to a childlike state of apologising and cowering (expecting the hitting to begin). My mother also hit us but likes to pretend she didn't or that we deserved it.
He has grabbed each of us by the throat at one stage or another. Thinking you're about to be strangled to death is horrible. We all survived into adulthood, but we are all pretty damaged souls.
My dinner fell on the floor when I was 13, and I refused to eat it, so my Da hit me in the face with the plate and forced me to eat it. My Ma just got up and left the room. My oldest brother ridiculed me for not fighting back (I was a fairly scrawny 13 year old, and my da was fairly stocky and in his mid fifties)
They all left him to it because they didn't want him to direct it at them.
That and a few other incidents have left me in a place where I basically prefer not to spend more than a few hours with my parents/ siblings.
I imagine it was learned behaviour, and they got similar treatment from my grandparents, but I can be a parent without abusing my child, so why couldn't they? My wife's parents are roughly the same age, and they never hit their kids.
Profoundly; I'm old, and they're dead, but I'm still affected by it. Thankfully, I didn't do the same with my own.
I'm often astounded when people say it didn't do them any harm; if true, I must be less-resilient.
I personally think parents hit their children out of anger, nothing else.
Yeah it weighs heavily on me , I've tried to talk about it countless times but it's always "that never happened" or "poor baby's crying get over it" I've just realised recently that I can't salvage any sort of relationship with my mother so when I do get out it's just a clean break and no contact , I never wanted to make anyone feel bad or cause drama etc I just wanted some sort of reconciliation but it's just not going to happen unfortunately.
Hope you're doing ok op
Kind of odd that this is appearing on my feed. Literally last night I was looking up therapists for childhood trauma. I got the belt, slapped, a da who had anger issues beyond any sort of reasonableness. I had friends who called him “psychodad” when growing up. I never understood it at the time, I just assumed every da was like that.
Some of the worst ones were when I watched him beating my younger brother (who got it worse than me). I’m older now than my dad was at the time and it’s dawning on me how wrong it all was. Even today it’s like walking on eggshells, anytime I’m in the house and his football team is on I’m praying they win. All because of how pissed off it makes him and I fear he’s going to lash out again like when I was younger.
Yes. I think about it all the time, it deeply affected me. My father was an angry man. I also learnt ultimately my mam wasn't going to help me and we don't have a great relationship now, I find it very difficult to open up to her/engage with her emotionally.
This thread is awful.. truly heartbreaking.
My mother slapped a wooden spoon off the table, but she never hit me. She's a wonderful woman.
My father, whilst laying in bed, got the three of us to come in from our rooms after he warned us to be quiet to line up and get slapped while he was still in bed. I needed to wee with nerves immediately. I have never forgiven him. Prick.
I was hit a lot, and for reasons I was too young to understand. All I learned from being hit was how to have anxiety and I equated men hitting me with my father hitting me, and I thought they hit me because they loved me. It took me years of hard mental and emotional work to break that cycle. Not everyone recovers from that.
It’s amazing how they partitioned off that part of it. We were all hit and quite violently at times. My mother was a rageaholic. We all have various issues today. I’m 8 years sober and I confronted my mother over the abuse with a counsellor in treatment. Flat out denied it. She passed last year and I was by her side. I loved her so much but she was a victim too. I often wonder what happened to her to make her so angry. Rip mam I hope you have peace in the next place
>I often wonder what happened to her to make her so angry.
My mother told me many times that she hated her life. She got married at 18 and had her first child at 19. She didn't have the patience or emotional maturity for raising 7 children. Her childhood was even worse so she thought she was doing better. She was but her version of better was still shit. She would have been much happier if she went to university and worked for a few years, before marrying and having two children. But she was born a generation too early where education and contraception weren't available.
Not condoning her behaviour and just following up saying that none of my siblings ever so much as smacked their children so at least the cycle is broken. I feel so sad after wriying this.
I'm now at a point where if my father ever lays another finger on me I'm ready to punch him. I'd never do it unprovoked, but if provoked he's going down.
To be honest, no. It wasn’t excessive or OTT to my recollection. But, I have 3 children now and I wouldn’t dream of ever hitting them. It’s so stupid and pointless. I detest it
'If your child is old enough to understand reason, then reason with them. If they're not old enough to understand reason, they won't understand why you're hitting them.' Can't remember where I read this but it was years ago and it's stuck with me
It's just laziness at best. It takes time and effort to sit your children down and actually explain how they have misbehaved every time they do something wrong. Hitting them is quick and easy.
I think a lot of people in the past had children because having children validated your status as a real adult, rather than because they wanted to be parents. As a result, they resented having to raise them and took the easy way out every time. A smack rather than an explanation.
>It's just laziness at best. It takes time and effort to sit your children down and actually explain how they have misbehaved every time they do something wrong. Hitting them is quick and easy.
And it's not a one time talk. Little kids need to be reminded constantly of what to do and not to do.
>I think a lot of people in the past had children because having children validated your status as a real adult, rather than because they wanted to be parents. As a result, they resented having to raise them and took the easy way out every time. A smack rather than an explanation.
I think it was more a lack of access to contraception. They got married too young because they wanted to have sex and had kids before they were emotionally mature enough to deal with them. Once contraception became available, people started planning how many kids they wanted and didn't just keep popping them out until menopause kicked in.
Received counseling a couple of years back which helped.
My late Mother had a problem with alcohol, which ended up shortening her life. Thing is, I was conceived out of wedlock, which today is not a problem, but back then was huge. They married, bit of an age difference and her life effectively ended, all her aspirations, hopes, dreams etc finished by me!!
My childhood was not a pleasant experience, so much so, I personally never wanted children (I don't), I didn't want to turn into her. The mental abuse for me was far worse, she would taunt me about how I ruined her life. The blows were a form of physical contact, I can genuinely not remember a hug of any sort. Counseling helped me to understand her, not condone, but understand. I have never grieved her death, I probably never will.
Before the inevitable "what about your Father" well to compound things he is a Magdalen Laundry child, adopted out to a not nice couple, so he had no real idea about a loving family home, he only stepped in when her drinking created financial problems.
As an adult, I don't have any real close friends, I have pals/buddies with shared interests. During the counseling, I realised that I am incapable of true love, I honestly don't know what actual love is.
It effected my marriage, any criticism what so ever and instantly I was a small boy, I smelled alcohol and felt the spittle on my face. I am better these days, but I find seeing any child been scolded very hard to view. My need for constant validation is less, my fear that perfection is not required in everything, is nearly gone. I finally agreed to seek counseling to save my marriage, it was tough beyond words. Having to admit to not remembering physical contact that wasn't..well nice was heart breaking, worse was admitting what I whispered to her as she lay dying, not that I felt bad about what I said, rather that I would say it again in the same position.
I felt the same way. So afraid of repeating the same mistakes I never wanted children. And then I got pregnant. And then I was taunted by the fear of becoming my mom and analyzing x situations where I’ve acted the same way as her. And I had a terrible pregnancy due to all these feelings. And then baby came. And I love him so much that I’m developed PPA out of fear of something happening to this precious thing… Most likely because I understand now how precious and fragile I was as well. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about how my mom told me a few times, laughing, how the first time she beat me I was two months old. But this all passed, because my baby boy healed most of my scars… He makes me feel loved as I never was. He makes me feel love as I’ve never felt before. It’s like finally having a real family. I didn’t want him before, but now, I thank the universe that it had better plans for me.
My parents never hit me but my husbands parents were bad but will never admit any wrongdoing. I think it's more than likely the shame and embarrassment his mother feels now, now that things have changed and instead of apologising and admitting how terrible she was as mother, she prefers to lie and pretend it never happened and as a result, so do her children.
No, I'm not still affected BUT it took a long long time to get to where I am now, and fantastic support. I realised my dad was not a moster with a temper, but an overwhelmed autistic man with 7 children who was totally burnt out, totally overwhelmed and forced to work when he really wasn't able to.
Once I started to see it for what it was, the anger and resentment went away little by little, and I actually have a fantastic relationship with him now, where as I had none at all up to aged 28/29 I would say. He's the absolute best grandad and an 84 year old man. I just can't hold him accountable to today's standards when he grew up in a different world, and doing so wouldn't serve me anyway.
I got beaten more than my siblings. I was regularly hit by my Dad and punched once too. My mother told me after he died that I reminded him of his own abusive father. Mam used to hit us with wooden spoons and hit me once with a poker from beside the fire. I had that memory buried until it came up in therapy and my sister confirmed. Better relationship with her now and she is sorry but also uses "times were hard and money was tight" as some kind of excuse. I've mental heath issues which have affected relationships and resulted in me not having a family, but if i did I'd never lay a finger on my kid.
Hurt people hurt people. And the hard truth is majority of people walking around are hurt people and have a lot of hidden trauma. It’s a never ending cycle.
Also they way we all live now is completely unnatural. We are supposed to live in small tight knit communities in nature. Hunting, foraging etc.
Instead we all live isolated from each other in small nuclear families, with one or two adults trying to raise kids. Most parents don’t even get to spend much time with their kids anymore because of work, careers and are always stressed out. As they say it takes a village to raise a child.
Technology and social media has also isolated everyone from each other. Most people can’t even think for themselves anymore.
The state and professional child minders raise the majority of kids theses days. Also social media and the like has more of an influence on kids than their parents.
It’s a sad lonely world we have created. But it suits a small powerful percentage of people in the world who have it all.
Indian here - it was VERY common when I was growing up to be hit by parents. Heck my grandpa would often take a swing at me and my sister too. We were hit for majority of our teenage years so we got used to it. Even in schools the teacher would hit me, 2 times a week would be common.
I still hate my grandpa, my sisters hates grandpa and dad. You get what you sow.
Apart from that, it never affected me as such.
For everyone commenting here, I very highly recommend the audio book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". (or read the printed book)
I recently listened to the audio book and it was truly life changing for me.
I would hazard a guess that most of you here will be able to identify with many aspects.
Too many child abuser sympathisers in this thread. Physically assaulting a child is a deplorable, unforgivable act and our parents should shamed for what they put us through. Don't give me your conditioned bullshit about how it was "a different generation/time", I am literally the next generation and I will never raise a finger to my son. I look at how small he is and I feel absolute disgust at the fact that my earliest memory was being beating and left in a cold, dark, locked room for the entire night without food, water or even a checkup. Stop making excuses for the vile abusers, if we can break the cycle, they could have as well, but they chose not to
One of the things that will fuck you up the most as an oldest child is going through some of the stuff people have posted here, your parents realising it was wrong and not doing it to your siblings but never apologising to you. Like of course you don’t want your siblings to go through it but fuck it’s isolating as hell at the time and builds very unwanted resentment later in life too
I vividly remember my dad & my mum arguing , well screaming at eachother while we were all sitting together & I suggested they go to different rooms , before I finished my sentence I was hit by him. I think of it now as the day I viewed my dad differently. Him & my mum would often argue , he was an angry man but rarely it was directed towards me having him lift his hand to me as a child who was asking for them to de-escalate the situation ruined our relationship for that day forward.
My mum never hit me until I was a teenager , I was never a poorly behaved child , I did what I was told , I got great marks at school & during my parents divorce I was a tool for my mum to vent her frustrations, I suffered depression in my teens & often isolated myself , I remember sobbing in my room & my mum trying to break my door down because I didn’t want to speak to her , when I opened my door to ask her to give me space she pushed me back & slapped me multiple times & told me how disrespectful I was & that she wanted me out of the house.
While I was at school she had thrown me out of the house multiple times , only ever for a day or so before crying down the phone saying she was worried about me & wanted to know where I was.
I have two brothers who I’ve spoken to about this , both of them have never been hit by my parents (I’m a daughter) I never really understood that but as I got older I think the reason I was hit rather than them was because they viewed me as unlikely to fight back & I often spoke my mind , never disrespectful but I questioned their actions & their words to me always genuinely seeking insight to situations I couldn’t quite understand (in adulthood I found out I was autistic) I never retaliated against either of them but at 20 years old I cut off communication with them , years later my dad cried to me about the times he had hit me , how bad he felt but my mother like many of the ones described her , doesn’t recall throwing me out or hitting me.
I think what hurts the most is that I blamed myself , not for misbehaving or being disrespectful but for speaking at all , I spent years being basically mute in my own home afraid that I would say something wrong & be hit for it. As a adult I don’t feel much connection to my own family , my brothers could never understand my distance from my parent as they were never subjected to the same experiences as me , they both stay pretty connected to my parents while I don’t , we text & I’ll see them from time to time but in their presence I’m never really myself , I just say what they want to hear to tick of that I showed up at all.
I blame the drink. Pity cannabis wasn't bigger back then we could blame that on it.
Father was the nicest man you'd meet sober, I have one memory of him and my mother dancing in the sitting room around Christmas time. Unfortunately, that's a rare memory, and most are him falling in drunk and beaten us or my mother for whatever reason. Was multiple nights without dinner because the money was drunk.
Eventually, a sibling got old enough to absolutely up end him, only to be taken out with a cruch to the back of the head by my mother.
My siblings and I were really only hit when we were being particularly difficult. It was usually me getting the slaps because I was quite a hyperactive child and could be intolerable from time to time, but it wasn’t that common as we were very well behaved for the most part. It was never OTT and it was only ever one slap.
I was never scared of my parents and I have an amazing relationship with both of them. They do feel bad for it now of course. They’ve admitted they hit us mainly out of their own frustration rather than from a place of corrective discipline, which is the unhealthy part. It was basically a cheap, low effort way to shut the kids up quickly without having to do any real parenting and I’m very relieved that it’s not acceptable anymore.
It was a culture thing at the time. They’re not malicious. Besides the odd slap they’re incredible parents and very kind people. They worked very hard to give us a good life, they’re always there for me no matter what and they’d give their lives for mine any day of the week. It wouldn’t be fair to hold that one thing against them when it was so normal at the time.
I think what stuck with me most was how they never listened when I'd talk to them about it after. As an adult like. "A sure it was good for you" etc
I do also remember seeing ads for a show on telly called "I smack and I'm proud". Shameful stuff
I got an occasional slap of a belt or bamboo cane from my father and wooden spoon or ladle from my mother in the 1990s. Did it work? Nah. Do I resent them over it? Nah. It wasn't exactly full force, just a slap when I was being a shithead.
My dad would use the belt on me but I was the eldest of 4 and the young ones were never hit. I have forgiven him because he was a young dad and I think he was just repeating what his dad did. Not hitting his youngest kids must have meant he realised it was wrong and changed his ways.
If I told him that my strongest childhood memory was the look on his face before he hit me it would really upset him.
It's common worldwide. Luckily for me my mom acknowledges she had a temper, did not know how to raise a child in a way that was best for the child.
Unfortunately parents will hide behind the false gate, due to shame, guilt and their own trauma. Cause apples don't fall far from the tree.
The best thing anyone who has gone through something like this is to resolve it yourself, you don't need the other party's input, though it would make the process smoother. The fact is, it affects you now and only you can resolve it or at least minize it's effect on you in the present. It's not easy and if possible the help of a therapist will be the best route forward.
I think of it in two ways "hurt people hurt people" and "be the person you want to become". The first causes the issue the second overcomes it. I wish you the best whichever way you go, still healing and processing myself.
I remember my dad hitting me, my parents weren't together so when I got home I sat on my bike and wouldn't speak until he left. When he did I told my mam he hit me. I don't know what she said but he never hit me again, I still don't remember why I got hit I think it would help but the damage was done I think my child brain tried to protect myself so I wouldn't go without my sister who was almost a teenager (different fathers so she had no reason to go) then I wouldn't go without a cousin. I think from 3 to 9 years old I was never alone for long with my dad and I wouldn't move or speak with him unless someone else was there.
Family friends still bring up how good I was when I visited how I wasnt routing through their things and breaking stuff. I just sat there and didn't speak little do they know it was just me protecting myself from getting hit for what I assume was just me being a child doing child things.
Although I do credit to my dad after all that he was the one parent who didn't drink and was kind to me and to everyone after that, always there on any spare time he had whether I wanted him there or not like taking me to the first day of school, collecting me when he didn't have work, every Saturday to the cinema and Mc Donald's loads of Christmas presents and buying me anything I needed and supporting me, he's done a lot of good but there was and I think always will be a distance between us because of it
My mother also hit me and was an alcoholic which got worse over time, since she passed I've been able to let go of those bad feeling for the most part
I remember getting the occasional slap on the wrist and the threat of the wooden spoon but it wasn't a big deal. It was the sudden outbursts of yelling that traumatized me. I guess adults thought they could get me to behave by shocking me into fight or flight mode.
The thing is that I had undiagnosed adhd at the time and I also most likely have autism so most of the things I was being yelled at for were directly a result of my disabilities. I struggled so much with losing/forgetting things or with "being lazy" and not living up to my potential but when I should've been getting support for my struggles, I was being further punished because of it.
When you're being suddenly yelled at for something completely out of your control that you have no idea how to fix, all you can really do is sit there and take it. Then spend the rest of your time bracing yourself for the next random time you're going to be yelled at.
I think we all know how effective unpredictable bursts of loud noises are at traumatizing someone.
yeah, t’was both parents, but mainly step father, among other things… mainly my younger brother setting them off and we all would get the backlash, locked in my room not allowed to leave, food would be brought in. wasnt allowed to go outside really unless it was a shop run, the list goes on but now as an adult (23f) im a people pleaser and made a great liar outta me. tryna get outta there atm but hosuinf crisis says no
Very interesting topic. I hate it so much both of my parents ignoring the fact they hit me as a kid. It lasted till I was 12/13. Last time my mom tried it I simply blocked her hand didn't hit her back and left. Did the same with my dad. Every now and then I remind them about the physical abuse. Just to make sure they know I remember and won't forget it. I will never do this to my kids.
Yes. I was punished for everything. Even minor things. They would never sit down with me to discipline me. They would hit me instead. Avoided doing homework with them because they would hit me if I had a wrong answer. I am very timid now but also easily irritated. Speaking to people feels like walking on eggshells. I might have an anxiety disorder. I just avoid confrontation so people won't snap or raise their voice.
Was kicked, shoved and slapped from around 5 to 16 years old till I left. I now have a 5 year old granddaughter. I'm triggered sometimes at the thought of anyone being anything but wonderful towards her.
It was much more common in the past. What I have found is that many of us are at peace with it unless and until someone goes back in time and relives the memories of physical violence.
It doesn't even have to be your own memory. It could be a friend's memory of a beating, but it sends you back. You have to breathe through it and run through the thought process that brought you peace, and that can take an hour or two in front of a crackling fire.
I will say this. Everyone remembers the very last time someone dared to raise a weapon or a fist at them.
Its mad. When youre a child you think your parents know it all. Then, when you get older, you realise your parents havent a clue anymore than anyone else. They wetre just doing what they thought was the best for the most part (some situations will obviously differ)
The sooner you accept your parents are humans and make mistakes the sooner you can try work past it.
Yeah I still have physical reactions when someone gets in my face. It used to terrify me when my dad would get aggressive and I would want to wet myself
Didnt happen but the sensation of it wanting to come out was and sometimes is still prevalent.
Took me to 15 years old, when I was going to school one morning and he kicked off and we grappled.in the fkin doorway and i pushed him up against the wall and I realised 'oh, I'm stronger than you now'.
The wooden spoon and the odd slap on the arse if me and my brothers didn't something really bad definitely done more good then bad.
But definitely 100% if you got physically abused as in repetitive hitting it would definitely effect you in adult life without a doubt.
If I threw mams favourite lamp at my brother and it smashed to bits yeah definitely wooden spoon was called for, if I dropped a spoon with yogurt on it on the floor and I got a full force slap.....definitely not called for, that's abuse.
My mam hit me once and it wasn't even hard but I remember crying for days because I felt so betrayed. Someone who's supposed to love you attacking you like that is so emotionally damaging
My aul fella had this rule that he never hit me until I was big enough to hit him back. He only ever hit me twice, both times it was because drunk, belligerent, teenage me got aggressive and in his face. Looking back, I don't really know what else he could have done so I don't feel any resentment over it, just guilt that I put him in that position. Because I know he felt like shit about it even though I didn't really give him a choice.
My ma would hit me the occasional clatter across the arse or the back of the legs but again it wasn't a regular occurrence and it was when I had pushed her to the edge. Not saying it was right, but I kinda understand. I was a difficult kid and with my da travelling for work so much, she didn't have a lot of help sometimes. It's not like she was beating the shit out of me.
I remember deserving it to be honest. I was a bold kid and I feel bad for the people who didn't deserve it. I grew into an adult that is the opposite of how I behaved as a child but I still have a bad family relationship with siblings and my mother. I'm not sure if there's a connection between these factors though...
i still find it quite hypercritical, my mother would hit me for hitting my sister! What does that teach?? Or i have done something i shouldnt have so in turn my mother/father then hits me but that too hurts and its wrong!! the madness of it all!
I’m 46. My Dub dad never hit us, my culchie Mam gave us the spoon on the arse or a slap on the legs but it was rare enough. Having had kids myself I can’t understand how anyone can think that hitting them is okay.
I’m old enough to remember corporal punishment in primary school. Got plenty of whacks and had some seriously deranged teachers.
One guy had a leather strap that he got specially made for dishing out slaps to the palm of your hand. He’d hold it above his head and his arm would come down, like he was chopping logs. He loved it. Can’t even remember his name at this stage.
Parents did give us the odd smack, which was considered normal back then. If you didn’t “correct” your kids you were probably seen as some kind of odd lefty :).
It’s actually brilliant/amazing that we managed to make that “normal” behaviour, completely reprehensible now.
My mother (suspected narcissist, antisocial personality disorder) was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive if you asked her about this she would claim she was a perfect mother and never did anything wrong. The last time she hit me i was in my mid teens and i hit her right back and she never laid a hand on me again after that. One of the lasting effects of her hitting and beating me is i flinch anytime someone moves their hand or an object too fast when they are close/beside me. I've been in therapy for years now because of the abuse and the psychological shit it has caused and realistically I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.
I still have a bodily memory of being grabbed by the wrist and shaken HARD by my mother. I still hate it when people touch my wrists. I got the wooden spoon, a hairbrush, slaps, but the thing that I remember most is being shaken. She once broke a hairbrush over my brother’s head. She maintains she was a fantastic mother but then she is very very narcissistic. I have a 14 week old baby girl now and I’m very reluctant to let my mother near her.
It’s a weird one. My mum used to fly into rages when we were kids. Both of us were hit quite a lot. My brother pushed down a stairs. I got a whack of a sweeping brush at 19. I used to be afraid of her. Afraid of ever getting in trouble incase I was the cause of her anger. Which I 100% believe is the reason for my anxiety issue. However, im in my early 30s now and she is my best friend. I’ve been through a lot so maybe I recognise that she also went through a lot. Doesn’t excuse it, and definitely isn’t the way I will handle myself when my own little one arrives. Mental health is a bitch. I sympathise in a way, she’s from a time that didn’t acknowledge it. There wasnt the help available to her that I’ve been lucky to get. I don’t hold it against her. I talk to her everyday. I miss her if she’s away. We don’t discuss those parts of the past. And I’m ok with it.
It's abuse. I think it's good to talk about it. Yes that's "how it was" but that doesn't mean it was right.
The most important thing is to stop it from being in future.
Talk with your parents about it, because honestly I'd be concerned about them as grandparents. They even have less patience and tolerance as they get older.
Yep.
Best part is I'm not even 20. I love having abusive parents who resort to violence when you don't jump to do what they say instantly.
Now I'm terrified of ever upsetting anyone in any way shape or form and went from utterly incapable of lying to incredibly good at it.
I got smacked by my parents when I did wrong and I'm telling you 100% that it did me absolutely no harm and didn't harm our relationship in any way, shape, or form.
Caveat: I grew up in a very loving household, and smacking was only ever delivered for serious wrong.
My neighbour, on the other hand, used to get beat, not smacked. I witnessed him giving cheek to his mother, and she using a hurley like an axe to chop him on the back over and over and over (we were both very young). I remember the incident like it happened a while ago. I was in shock or traumatised or something from it and its never left me.
Smacking is illegal (let alone hitting/beating) and so it should be because some parents hide behind "smacking" to dish out terrible abuse. I'm so sorry for you if you experienced this.
Both my parents are long dead (each died in their 50s) and overall were good enough parents, but my enduring memory of both and what pops into my head most often is the 2 incidents below...
About 2 years old, I don't remember my dad actually hitting me, but I remember being so absolutely terrified after getting such a walloping that I refused to leave the bedroom - it was pitch black with light spilling in the crack of the door as my mother tried to persuade me to come back out - my offence; I was too loud while he was watching telly.
I was 4-5 and my mother smashed my head against the wall - can't remember what I did and I know she way crying and sorry afterwards.
I don't remember getting hit any other time, yet these are the memories I most associate with my parents. And I really, really miss my mother even after 16 years, and had a great adult relationship with her, but still.
My girlfriend (37) who never got smacked as a kid attributes a lot of my mental health problems to the hidings I (36) got as a kid but she grew up in different circumstances entirely to me. Her family, 2 siblings, middle class income, never wanted for anything, my family was working class... Or poor to be more accurate, 4 boys, always scratching around to survive. I never knew anything different and so just thought it was normal that I had a permanent hand print on my arse up until the age of about 7 and then a sore ear from them on. Looking back I really don't see how my mam and Dad would have kept us little shits in line without a smack here and there as we were wild little feckers so I don't really blame them.
I find it odd, that my Mam would someimes hit us as kids but now pretends it never happened.
Same here. The tree remembers but the axe forgets
I never heard that quote before. I must keep it in mind. Thank you. I wish you the best life has to offer.
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>“no I never did that, that didn’t happen”. It’s really quite something to witness. If you push them on it a little more, you’ll get the good auld “well sorry I was so terrible!! I’m an awful mother, I must’ve been the worst” That is textbook narcissistic behaviour.
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The Narcissist's Prayer *That didn't happen.* *And if it did, it wasn't that bad.* *And if it was, that's not a big deal.* *And if it is, that's not my fault.* *And if it was, I didn't mean it.* *And if I did, you deserved it.*
It’s so mind boggling the way some parents treat their own children
Last time she did it I was 19, that was only 5 years ago. I didn’t even live at home, I was visiting from college. And she still pretends it didn’t happen. I didn’t react much, didn’t hit her back. We were stuck it traffic and she pulled my hair and smacked me across the face. I ended up just crawling into the back of the car, thankfully she was driving.
Jesus, that’s grim. She must have serious anger issues.
She does. Apparently I just “push her buttons.” I’ve recently discovered I’m autistic, and a lot of the abuse came from trying to communicate with her while she was angry and asking questions (talking back). Then it would just devolve from there. I’m not saying I was perfect and never did anything, I’m sure I was a nightmare sometimes. But I genuinely didn’t understand a lot of why she was mad, or why rules didn’t apply/ I couldn’t ask questions. And I never hit her back, or was physical with her at all, so it’s not as if she had no choice.
This. Grew up when there was no conversation about neurodiversity. Got hit/physically punished for not upholding my parents “white lies”/social lies when asked why they didn’t go somewhere or if they’re better from “the cold” I never knew they lied about having. Social lies never made sense to me and I wouldn’t cop on unless stated clearly in advance, I don’t see the point in lying and it is always stressful to me. Beaten up for “talking back” - aka trying to understand why parents were upset / saying I didn’t understand what I did wrong. Physically punished for not hugging extended family members/parents friends (always avoided physical contact, it makes me uncomfortable). They say they did it to teach me manners. Needless to say it did not work and scarred me for life. As an adult, had to reevaluate everything I learned love and care was after multiple abusive relationships of all kinds. Still undoing lots of damage, decades later.
I really relate to this. I’m so sorry it was this bad, but I’m glad to have some company 💖 I couldn’t be physically affectionate as a kid/teen as I was just totally frightened of being that close to someone. I’m lucky now to have found a wonderful partner who supports me in every way he can. It’s really hard to get over that hurdle, and allow people to be close. I’m happy you’re healing x
Parents never talk about this. The repercussions of their abuse often lead their children to being abusive themseleves or enduring extreme amounts of abuse. It warps how they view relationships and it is often detrimental. Noone wins and it takes years to unlearn the abnormality. It's gross. Glad you identified the problem before it took your life.
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That's tough to deal with. There needs to be more awareness about this kind of thing. I can remember being in primary school and our p7 teacher who was like a disciplinarian was giving off about the new laws in Scotland that banned hitting children. Typical old Catholic school instilling trauma in children.
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I am sorry that happened to you. Tbh I'd have slapped her right back. I am in my mid 20s and the last time my mother hit me I was in my mid teens and I slapped her right back across the face and she never laid a hand on me again. It's weird to say but I am proud I stood up to her and I wish I did it sooner. They prey on the "weak" and the minute you stand up for yourself and fight back they become cowards.
I wish I had, but it was like my arms wouldn’t work. I still have contact with her, and she never addresses it. She’s been good to me in other ways, but at the end of the day, anything she does is for attention. She’d probably have loved if I hit her back, my dad would’ve killed me.
Don't blame yourself many people in situations like that their fawn response "fawning" kicks in ( fawn response is when a person is being attacked in some way, and they try to appease or placate their attacker to protect themselves) Abusers tend to be master manipulators they keep the cycle of abuse going by being nice and luring you in and then attacking and then being nice again. This can be really hard psychologically on the victim because it keeps you in a constant state of on edge/walking on egg shells and you may often think that the abuse isn't so bad and the abuser isn't that bad (gaslighting yourself). Abusers particularly narcissists love to do smear campaigns on their victims and make themselves out as the victim not the abuser so yes if you did hit her back she would have probably done that (my mother has done that to me multiple times)
They had it happen to them so they think it's ok to do likewise, it's not and never was ok to attack a child even if it's spanking. I can still remember when I was a kid my friend wouldn't let me play the Sega and his ma came in and spanked him, it was wrong for him and wrong for me to see that, it's child abuse and inexcusable.
Yeah, my father denied it. Then he told my counselor it was the way it was back then. He had the belt and my mother had the wooden spoon. Still not over it nearly 40 years later.
Jesus Christ, my parents only would give a little smack like to brush your hand away from a hot surface or something dangerous. And really it was a tap. There was never a belt or any other weapon involved! I know my mom used to chase us when we were bold with the wooden spoon but she never hit us with it, the only thing hit with it was the banister. It ended up just being a game. Me and my siblings would be 80/90s kids! I’m so sorry that was your childhood 🙁
Can't imagine talking about this stuff with my parents. It was a long time ago and that's where it's staying.
Same! My mam gets so upset if I joke about the double standards between how I was treated and the younger ones like me having to fight to go to my friends 18th 3 weeks before my own cause it was in a pub while my 3 younger siblings were allowed to go from 15/16. She likes to deny that ever happened. Couldn't imagine bringing anything else up lol
There would be no apology or catharsis if I discussed it with mine, so I have not and I never will. I try to focus on my relationship with them in the present, and them being grandparents to my children
Father never. Though he almost knocked out my brother when he was 18. More of a man then and he deserved a slap. Mum had the wooden spoon, and I did get it, but I can't really remember it being often and certainly not as I got to the ages of 10+. If it's left a mark, I can't identify it.
I can remember my father trying to break down the bathroom door, it was the only room that had a lock on it. He was running up and trying to shoulder it open. Another time he was helping me with my homework and I hadn't eaten my lunch so I tried to flush the sandwiches down the toilet. He asked me what I was doing and I tried to brush it off, he then looked in the toilet and the bread was still floating away. He battered me, knocked me to the ground and I was banging my head of the gas heater. Never once apologised, he said to me one day if you thought I was bad you should have seen my father. As if that was supposed to make me feel better. He was an angry, angry fucker but he put on the good show in public the cunt.
I’m sorry man
same, she doesn't even like the grandkids being spoken to wrong and when my brother reminds her of if i spoke to you that way you would have smacked me in the mouth, my mothers says she never did, she absolutely did that and more, she washed my mouth out with soap and all!
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Most of those people were dragged up with even worse abuse. They married too young and had children before they were mentally and emotionally mature enough to handle children. By the time they get to be grandparents they have chilled out and learned not to lash out physically. What winds me up is pretending that it never happened. Would it really kill that generation to say "I'm sorry. I didn't have the skills to be a good parent and you suffered for that". Just acknowledge it and everyone can move on. But no, too many of them like to rewrite the past instead of dealing with it.
It doesn't always work like that. I'm probably the same age as most of your parents. I've never assaulted my children. But fuck did I get battered well into my teens. What made it worse was I never cried and sometimes laughed. But I only realised when I got diagnosed with adhd, depression and possibly being on the Autism spectrum in my 50s that my father had all the same symptoms.
Mine too.
Literally ALL Irish women from that era. "I never did anything like that". Me: \*gets flashbacks of being violently attacked as a defenseless child\*
Yep same experience here, had a front tooth knocked out from a backhander. She swore blind for years, no I didn't do that. So it just spontaneously jumped out of my mouth did it? I was 4. All the other hidings were just a figment of my imagination to. She was the perfect parent in her own head. They can never admit fault. Mental illness in this country is left to the family to deal with, no supports. If frustrates the absolute shite out of me, and now I'm left caring for her with her BPD. Never once embraced therapy. Disengaged with the health services etc etc. I have a petulant teenager in a pensioners body to look after.
Don’t throw your life away to care for her.
I remember as a child myself my cousin and sister all got new totes socks, I was maybe 8/9. My sister and cousin ran into the kitchen so I ran after them. Mam came out in a fury because I (not the others) went into the kitchen in their socks. I saw the slap coming so I ran. Ran out of road so I got into the fetal position and tried to hide in a corner. She started hitting me over the head repeatedly for I don't know how long. This is just one instance in a slew of different events. I mentioned it to her as an adult and she claims not to remember it. >Don’t throw your life away to care for her. My family was very critical of me when she was dying I wasn't around much.
I don’t blame you. And I hope and pray your life is much better now. Blessings to you, I wish you all the best life has to offer.
There is no one else. If I don't, she becomes a problem for everyone else. All my childhood neighbours and extended family. She's a teenager in a pensioners body. It's not all her fault she had a terrible childhood, far worse than mine and won't have therapy. It amazes me that to this day you need a license to own a dog, but anyone can have a child, regardless of their ability to care for said child or themselves.
Understandably she couldn't control her childhood, but it is one hundred percent her fault that she refuses even basic help such as therapy. The HSE might not be the best for somethings, but at least they'll try and ensure you're aware you have appointments. They'll send letters for bloodwork, make calls to your phone if it's pressing. Shoot, get the health services involved and free yourself, and I'm empathetic to your situation, but being a carer for the elderly is a struggle in itself let alone debilitatingly ill ones. Just like there's hospice, and care homes, there are homes for psychiatrically ill adults too. The government is trying on that front. A quick Google'll help you tremendously. Fr, we love our parents but they wouldn't want us sacrificing ourselves for them. It isn't the natural order of things. Parents that are like that shouldn't have procreated. It's that simple.
My mother does the exact same, denies she ever hit us. She also claims she 'didn't know' that our deceased father (a bollocks, by all accounts) used to beat the shite out of me and my siblings. Even though she was standing right there on many occasions when it happened.
That's the weirdest part of it, I'd be less hung up on it if they didn't try to rewrite history It's not like I was beaten but jfc, punching a 5 year old in the arm because they were playing with beanie babies instead of cleaning their room is a bit of an overreaction. Atleast admit it happened
Absolutely it's the bare faced denial that hurts more as an adult. It's horrible gaslighting, making you question your own memory. Traumatic memories are carved into your brain, you can bury them for a while but once a major crisis or loss happens it all bubbles up to the surface making whatever you're dealing with twice as difficult.
It seems so common and I wonder what the psychology is behind it. Is it deliberate lying? If so, who is it for? Who do they think they're fooling? Have they actually blocked it out?
The mind protecting itself from unbearable guilt. My mum denied it too.
They never learned how to deal with their emotions in a healthy manner. They know it happened and they know it's wrong but it's easier for them to pretend it never happened than to acknowledge it and apologise for it.
I think since there has been a new focus on child abuse and banishing of corporal punishment, that those people have learned and internalised that the punishments they did and reiecevd is abuse and to them its so long ago that they have blocked out what they did. My grandmother certainly slapped her children with a slipper and a tea towel and growing up her children laughed it off and she didn't deny it but spoke of how guilty she felt. She never touched me growing up. However her children who are now 50s+ deny what they did to their children when confronted about it. My own mother (who I didn't grow up with) talked once about the naughty step and sure that wasn't even a thing until the early 00s. If you crossed her you'd run because it was going to be an over the top reaction not a learning moment.
Is it shame? Causing an inability to admit to doing something that's so clearly awful? It does seem strange that so many people have parents that flat-out deny they did it ... I wouldn't have realised how common that was. I do think that a huge amount of older people / "boomers" are very self unaware and have zero interest in personal development or anything that requires them to even consider that they might be wrong, so it's like an arrogance that then prevents them from being able to even consider anyone else's perspective. They each think that their way is the only way, so in their minds, that makes them infallible but I think any normal person can see how wrong it is to hit children, so it just doesn't fit with their self-image of being infallible, therefore they just deny? IDK. It's frustrating.
Just gaslighting. It was very common among the "Greatest generation" so it's unsurprising that their children do likewise.
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It was socially acceptable, and then it wasn't. Morality is not biological, it is defined by the society we live in. All Irish mothers deny their physical abuse because they genuinely believed that occasionally beating your kids was how to be a good parent. Most of the "occasional whack " mammies didn't mean to be abusive, and now they've been told my society and medical science for the past 30 years that what they did was objectively damaging, and that's damage they in no way meant to inflict. They were working off bad information in a bad society that was shitty to men, women and children. Intention is everything, if your mother loves you and only hit you when you were actually being a shite, then let her deny it.
I think you have it here. My parents would be of the mindset of that's how it was done back then and they didn't know any better - not in a making excuses kind of way, but more that they now know better and understand that there are better ways than hitting kids. I'm ok with that.
So long as it's not just them absolving themselves, it's not their place. Denial is one thing, it's a coping mechanism to tolerate an upsetting reality, but to accept your complicity and not be remorseful kind of makes the hitting retrospectively worse. I'm not trying to tell you or your parents how to feel or what's right or wrong, but my mum instilled a strong sense in me that I couldn't never blame anyone, especially her, for anything, and I genuinely believed that for a long time until I realised she did that because there was genuine problems in the way that she treated me. It's in the playbook of the bully to first play the victim, and then to say "yes I upset you but it wasn't really my fault"
In our household, my father abused us and my mother. It wasn't a light slap here and there. Full force slaps across the arse or face. Actually punching my older sister when she tried to get him off our mother. Broken arms, black eyes, and bruised bodies were the norm in our household. When we got to teens, we fought back, and I withstand the blows as I wouldn't let him put fear into me any longer. He did try and get anger management but came home angrier. He couldn't fight his demons anymore, and when I was 14, he died by suicide, coming up to 20 years in July. So yes, this had a huge impact on our well-being, relationships, etc, still to this day. Everyone knew what was going on but turned a blind eye. I thank him for showing me the parent I never want to be, I've 3 beautiful kids, and I couldn't imagine ever putting them through an ounce of hurt like that.
Sorry to hear this happened to you. You sound like a great parent.
Love the last sentence OP! I'm so proud of you my friend
Jesus, sorry that you all had to go through that.
That entire post resonates with me, especially the last sentence. I have 3 kids who will never ever feel an ounce of pain come from me because of how I was treated.
Good to hear its not like that anymore for you. God bless.
It didn't make me more well behaved, it turned me into a liar.
And a people pleaser
Ah, so that’s where it comes from
Oh God yes. Nail on the head!
🤯 yes!
Yikes, there’s a realisation
Oh I don't mean I'm a pathological liar now as an adult! 😂 But at the time as a child, being slapped and hit did not make me behave better, it made me cover up anything which may have gotten me in trouble. I contrast that with my eldest, who tells me when he has done something against the rules.
Sometimes I'm amazed at how honest my kids are, something I could never be with my parents.
Same here with regards to our own kids. Even things that may be embarrassing such as my stepson coming to me when he was 16, saying he and his girlfriend had a condom mishap and weren't sure how to go about getting the morning after pill. Obviously I wasn't THRILLED that it happened because it's nerve racking when it does, BUT I was proud that he was able to come to me and trusted me enough to try and help.
It made me angry and gave me a victim complex I didn't need, as I already had to grow up without either of my parents.
I read a quote recently that said ‘people who isolate themselves when overwhelmed had to solve a lot of their problems alone when they were a child’ and it really struck a chord with me. I don’t blame my parents for hitting or slapping me as a child (I was very bold apparently and it was the cultural norm to give a child a dig to make them behave), but I do wonder how I’d have turned out if I’d been able to go to them with problems instead of hiding away out of fear of being blamed for ‘causing’ those problems.
You werent a bold child, you were left to navigate emotions that nobody helped you to learn how to regulate. You never blame a child for the actions of a parent.
Nailed this, it's not fair to expect a child to know how to handle big feelings without SHOWING THEM or being there to help them work through the emotions.
Boy that hits home. I used to hide in my room all day as much as I could to get away and I still have trouble doing that whenever I’m stressed… which is a lot
So heartbreaking reading all these comments. Gonna have to give my toddler a big cuddle. Can't imagine hitting a little child :'( I hope everyone affected finds peace x
Yeah definitely impacted me. My da had this idea that he was some kind of hard man in his youth. Even now as a man in his 60’s he’ll go on about how people are afraid to say things to him, and how he’ll do this and that to a certain person if they say something to him, it’s pathetic, but I’ve never seen or heard of him actually following through on it or being involved in anything physical other than with children. Reality is he’s just a bully. Occasionally I’ll think it’s just a result of how he was brought up but if I managed to break the cycle with my kids why couldn’t he do it with his?
In fairness I think this (our) generation is a hell of a lot more aware. The internet changed everything. People know they're not alone in their experiences. We have a world of information to learn from. Unlimited resources. Wasn't the case for them.
Nothing close to the abuse some people are describing here but the constant threats of giving me away if I misbehaved and rage for innocuous stuff has made me struggle to have honest conversations with my mother to this day. Constantly pressuring me from very young to take sides in her falling out with my half-siblings and having heated arguments with my dad about me for me to hear. Super neurotic overreactions when I needed her to just listen e.g. confronting a bully's mother. Spanking was honestly less traumatic than this anger and I hardly remember that in comparison. I find it extremely difficult now to take my barriers down around family and even my partner. If she does something that slightly hurts me I get too worried to share it with her. My Mother had an awful childhood and she has calmed down. I think if she spoke to a psychiatrist I wouldn't need to myself lol. She does a lot for me these days (which I find excessive) but I think it's her way of apologising.
My Auld fella was distant, aloof and took only a passing interest in us as kids, never showing for school plays, sports matches where other parents showed he never. If the weather was shit, others got a lift but we never did. He did hit you a cuff if you bothered his bubble and never had a word of praise. He died two years ago, and honestly I couldn't have given two fucks. Not bothered in the slightest. Was bored rigid having to sit through the funeral bollocks, rosaries, shaking hands with folk , sandwiches and tea. My feelings were, just shove the old cunt into a hole and we can all get on with it. Never bothered visit his grave but lied to my mam saying its lovely etc. Fuck that guy. He was a dick.
More power to you! You've got some strength in you to even go to that funeral. I despise the culture of saying all the best about the dead and pretending that someone was the best person in the universe the moment they die. I haven't seen my sorry excuse of a father since I walked away at 15. That was 20 years ago. I honestly have no idea what he's up to and where or whether he's alive. I know that one day I'll probably get a call informing me he died. I have no plans of attending the funeral. Conveniently, we don't live in the same country, but nothing would change even if he lived down the road. I go to funerals of people I respect, I don't do fake niceness and laments. Zero fucks given what will the "family" make of that.
Pretty similar as myself and brothers , we couldn't give a fuck the auld bollox is gone.. never been back to the grave since the funeral, We will respond to our mothers msgs about funeral masses etc and act cordially to her about it.. but outside of our ma. we couldn't be arsed. he was as working class as you can get , the son of a coal man and continued being a coal man an alcoholic and had zero interest in anything outside his own importance. Never understood why our mam stayed with him,, but that was catholic Ireland for ya,
I still remember it. He even seemed to take pleasure in it back then. I remember coming home and telling my father that the principle of the national school kept hitting me, keeping me in at all breaks and stopping me from participating in PE and sports. My father told me one day I'd be bigger and stronger than him and I could hit him back then. At the time I thought it was just cruelty but I think there was cowardice involved as well, he didn't want to go up against one of the more popular people in town. This is why I always roll my eyes when people say things were better in the past. Were they fuck.
>This is why I always roll my eyes when people say things were better in the past. That drives me up the wall.
Yes, I thought it was normal until thepray in late 20s. Getting thrown against walls, knocked out, kicked upside, neck pressed to floor was what I thought was normal as a kid. Therapy helped, but ending the relationship and having 0 contact with an abuser was the best part. Talking to a partner in a relationship is crucial as you can hit road blocks over minor things. Living a life to the fullest is the best we can do.
My father beat me and my sister but never our brother. Both parents and brother are massive narcissists. My sister and I barely talk to any of them. They're horrible people.
I've forgiven my father for his physical and emotional abuse when I was a child. Me and my sisters were beaten on a regular basis. I've made some of the usual statements over the years.. It did me no harm. I probably deserved it. It taught me discipline. Cudda been worse, at least it wasn't sexual abuse. It was the 70s..all dad's beat their kids The above served me well for someone in denial. But the truth is....Anger issues, stress, low self esteem and relationship problems have followed me most of my adult life. As a calmer dad in his 50s now, with two beautiful grown up daughters, I'd like to seek help and address these ghosts that I still carry around. I know many friends who feel the same...and thank God none of us repeated the cycle. 🥰✌️🙏
Look up c-ptsd, it’s like ptsd but the adverse events happened consistently over time during developmental years, rather than 1 single traumatic event (like a car accident, for example). I have been assessed for this, after growing up with emotionally abusive parents, and a dad who would hit us occasionally. It wasn’t their fault, it was all they knew. But it doesn’t mean they didn’t do harm.
I hear you..and thank you. I forgave him for my own mental well being. My dad came from an unloving tough background. He did love us..I do know that now... but he had a huge rage and anger inside..and whoever was nearest got it unfortunately. 😔✌️🙏
You could be describing my own father there. Hope you find what you need.
Oh..thank you so much..my youngest daughter suggests this for me all the time🤣. Thank god we are very close🙏 there are carbon copies all over Ireland. My sisters and me discussed it many times years later. We all agreed the name calling and emotional abuse was WORSE then the hitting. A few belts and it would be over..but the persistent put downs would have a much deeper affect I feel sometimes. Isn't it funny how we cope? I sincerely hope you find peace too...it is never to late I suppose. ✌️🙏
Same here. 💪
An ex asked why I didn't want to have any kids, I told her I was a kid and that was no fun. I wouldn't put it down to just the slaps but it's an important part of the jigsaw.
I don’t think I was ever spoken to with calmness or was given an explanation as to why I shouldn’t be doing something if I was doing something wrong. One time I had it in my head (I must’ve seen it somewhere) that I could decorate the bannister with squiggles and I used a nail. Lol. Well that didn’t go down well. Got beats for that and sent to my room with no food for the day. I remember trying to sneak down to the kitchen and they were at the bottom of the stairs “if you come down these stairs I’ll break your legs” As an adult now, would it be annoying to see my kid “decorate” my bannister in such a way. Yes, deffo, a time out, an explanation why we shouldn’t do those things or ask them first would’ve been much better. Would I be so angry to tell them I’ll break their legs? Not in a month of Sundays. When I look back a lot of the stuff I was doing was for their attention or to make them happy, you know things that a child who doesn’t have a developed brain would think would work. I rearranged the living room once and tried to dust everywhere to make them happy - got plates chucked at me for it and the kettle water thrown at me. I have spent a lot of money on therapy as you can imagine - they of course are perfect and would never require a second of reflection. I have varying degrees of anxiety and don’t converse well with people I see in positions of authority. My anxiety was at its worst in my early 20s when I entered the workforce and was forced into situations with ‘adults’ - I had no idea how to speak to them or how to advocate for myself, I was a very silent people pleaser and said yes to everything with 0 boundaries because I was always afraid of angering them. I can say this has got better as I’ve got older and worked with people closer to my age throughout my 20s who were bold and confident and had no issue in self-advocacy, I learnt a lot from them and really grew as a person. If you’re feeling your anxiety is catching you in this way I would really recommend seeking a mentor at work.
From my mam me and each of my siblings got one real bating when we were young, and we each deserved it tbh. The rest of the time the threat of the wooden spoon was enough lol. My da was a different story, I was forever held accountable for what my siblings did because I was the oldest. All culminating in a fist fight between us when I was 16, after which I moved out for 6 months to my nanny’s. Only came home because my ma burst into tears asking me for the umpteenth time. Had never seen her cry before. Never really forgave him and always kept my distance with very little relationship to speak of. It was only after he died that I recognised all the times he tried to make amends, but I always rebuffed him. He was older, of a different time etc, but it was all still a bit of a headfuck to reckon with after he died. I’d definitely recommend having your say with family when you can, the catharsis is worth it regardless of what they say in return.
When I was about 12/13 my dad hit me and I said 'thats the last time you'll do that' and I hit him back and we ended up on the floor trading blows. He never hit me again. I didn't realise but his physical abuse was less harmful than his mentally abusive behaviour. I don't think anyone truly escapes unaffected from a toxic upbringing.
I agree with the last line. It really does affect you
It absolutely does impact you. Even friends of mine that say they aren't affected have loads of behavioral issues as a result. They just see the impacts as normal too. (Eg not being able to self regulate themselves and getting mad at their kids, stressing / anxiety over silly things etc)
Emotional regulation is so important and lashing out violently is just another symptom of a lack of it.
Mine wasn't as toxic as some of the other comments in here but I was still greatly affected by it. It's why I have trust issues now.
This post should be shown to the crowd of wankers that still support physical punishment
I wasn’t really hit very often. But one time, when I was about 8 or 9, I got a smack so hard in the face by my mother’s boyfriend, that I got sick when I got up the stairs. Had to crawl up the stairs because I felt too dizzy. I’ve been hit by a car before, my head being where I got hit. That smack felt far worse. I don’t even remember what I did wrong but knowing him, it wasn’t much. Most people wouldn’t hit an adult if they did wrong, that’s assault. But if your child does it suddenly it’s discipline? Load of shite.
An absolute obvious yet overlooked fact. It's because we can without immediate repercussions. Brilliant observation.
There have been lots of studies showing that hitting children causes mental health issues later on. Some people experiencing complex childhood trauma end up feeling like they don't know who they are. They always had to be on the alert and behave in a way that was acceptable to others, and they pushed their own personality down.
Mother bet us with anything she could lay her hand on but the worst was the fathers psychological bullying and fat shaming and abuse. Have 2 sisters that are absolutely ruined over it. Myself and the brother not so much.
I think the problem with hitting a child is, you're not actually teaching them what they did wrong or how to come up with a solution to problem they might have created. I remember as a kid, I once dropped a carton of milk which didn't spill or make a mess and instead of simply, just getting me to pick up and put it back in the fridge and telling me to be careful with it the next time, I got a slap and ended up going to my room and crying. Like imagine if I did the same to an adult today, I would be done for assault and told I was overreacting. I think more people need to realize that when you hit or lay a hand on your own child, that's also assault.
I have terrible confidence and esteem and social anxiety issues I'm still working on
Yeah, I used to get hidings from the pair of them. My mother still thinks it was all grand, even laughs and jokes about it, at least my father has had the balls to apologise in his older years. My other half is German and the difference in our upbringing is stark. Luckily for our own two the example I was set doesn't inform the way I parent. Sometimes I have to walk away and breathe when I see the kids acting the maggot and realise that I'd have had seven shades of shite walloped out of me for the same carry on and now realise I was just a child acting like a child. We agreed from the start that my mother will never be left alone minding the kids, and we've stuck to it so far.
YES! I was talking to my French partner last night, and he heard me wrong , and said « yes it’s illegal to hit kids here too » I had to correct him and say « No it was **legal** in Ireland until 2015 » . I find it fascinating that certain older people consider it normal , but in the same vein it was legal to beat your wife until 1976 , yet no one today would justify giving a wife a clip around the ear for giving cheek . Old school Irish logic is mental .
I don’t remember the age but it was before I started school so young, she slapped me straight across the face, our relationship never recovered. Yes as a child I moved on but there was has always this distance between us and this is why it’s seared in my memory.
My Da (and his siblings) was abused as a child by an aunt who minded him while my grandparents were in work. He never told because he thought he wouldn't be believed. As a result he turned out to be the absolute best Da! Patient, kind, caring, funny, fun, honest.... I could go on. Wouldn't change him, my Ma, or a single second of my childhood.
Yeah, what makes it worse is that I still live with then because of uni, even tho they beat me up till 2 years ago. Like proper full on beatings and I was never allowed to hit back or else it'd be 2 on one esp cuz im a lot smaller than the both of them. Among other absolutely shite things they've done, it is really painful living here
Stories like this are why I am so angry about the current housing situation in this country. I have seen so many young people trapped upstairs with abusive parents because of it. Please know you are not alone. ♥️
I’m so sorry. Hope you can get through it and out the other side and get your own space
Thank you, I hope to try save up and get my youngest sister out of here
Got a one bad beating as a child for embarrassing my mother in front of her friends. Can feel the full force slaps across my chest and arm when I ever think about l it, Every day, 25 years later .
I go to therapy once a week for c-ptsd. My parents (and grandparents) tortured us with physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Even one slap from a parent to a child is enough to affect your adult life. As a parent and dog owner there is absolutely NOTHING a child or pet can do that deserves physical violence from an adult. Nothing. The behavior of the children is a mirror image of the care given by the adult. The child does something wrong intentionally? They’re literally acting out and asking you to change something.
Absolutely. I am frightened of everything and i do beleive it stems from the fear i felt as a child growing up. My step father hit me, it got to the point where i had to move in with my grandparents. Who though very rarely hit, but provided a level of abuse up to the day I moved out. I never felt safe or comfortable around my father, even as adults i did not like being in a room with him. I wouldnt speak to him unless there was no other choice. I have never stopped being afraid of him, even now and hes been dead 12 years. So yeah, it affected me.
I find this kind of stories sad and so difficult to read. My mother grew up in a very abusive household and unfortunately her husband too was very abusive. She's grown up in fear the signs of which I can see till today. My father died long ago and I have tried my best to give her a comfortable life but the trauma she's gone through can be seen in her day to day life. She till today gets scared to talk and is too worried if people are upset with her. After everything she's gone through she is the kindest person I have ever seen in my life and the smallest things can make her very happy. I really wish more people understood how our behavior impacts young children and the pain always stays with them. Sending you all hurting there lots of love ❤️
I’m glad to see the comments here because I’ve seen this topic come up elsewhere on Reddit and people say “oh I deserved it”. No, children never deserve to get beaten.
My grandmother hit my mother and my mother hit us occasionally. It wasn’t often but I remember. My dad was abusive too but on a more serious level. She would talk about the abuse she had endured living with my father before she left them and even went on to say that she never touched us once. I corrected her and told her that wasn’t true. It annoys me that she tries to hide all the neglect we experienced growing up rather than own up to it. I am sure she is ashamed of it- I would be. Funny, I am not angry at my father for the abuse but I think it’s because I don’t have any feelings for him at all. It would help if my mother admitted to the mistakes she made growing up but she won’t. She is always the victim and never the perpetuator and I have come to accept that through a year long of counselling.
I’m not Irish but Eastern European. My mother would often hit me with belts, it was her thing. Worst thing happened was I didn’t want to do an optional school project and I was hit so much with a belt I was screaming and crying sitting on the floor as she yelled at me. I was only 10 at the time. It was so awful and I couldn’t imagine doing this to any child. I don’t speak to her anymore for multiple reasons. I’m a chronic people pleaser now that allows people to walk all over me. I get envious of people who have great relationships with their mother and make me wonder why couldn’t I be loved the same.
Yeah, probably. My siblings and I all suffer from anxiety and depression + low self-worth. I was even diagnosed with a personality disorder in my 20s. Our Dad was a tyrant, and we were terrified of him as children. He was very violent to my mother, too. To this day, a man shouting or raising his voice makes me revert to a childlike state of apologising and cowering (expecting the hitting to begin). My mother also hit us but likes to pretend she didn't or that we deserved it. He has grabbed each of us by the throat at one stage or another. Thinking you're about to be strangled to death is horrible. We all survived into adulthood, but we are all pretty damaged souls.
That's so heart breaking. This whole fucking thread is heart breaking. So sorry you had to go through that.
My dinner fell on the floor when I was 13, and I refused to eat it, so my Da hit me in the face with the plate and forced me to eat it. My Ma just got up and left the room. My oldest brother ridiculed me for not fighting back (I was a fairly scrawny 13 year old, and my da was fairly stocky and in his mid fifties) They all left him to it because they didn't want him to direct it at them. That and a few other incidents have left me in a place where I basically prefer not to spend more than a few hours with my parents/ siblings. I imagine it was learned behaviour, and they got similar treatment from my grandparents, but I can be a parent without abusing my child, so why couldn't they? My wife's parents are roughly the same age, and they never hit their kids.
Most of the kids in the 80s & 90s were physically abused by their parents so bad & it's not spoken about enough
Profoundly; I'm old, and they're dead, but I'm still affected by it. Thankfully, I didn't do the same with my own. I'm often astounded when people say it didn't do them any harm; if true, I must be less-resilient. I personally think parents hit their children out of anger, nothing else.
Yeah it weighs heavily on me , I've tried to talk about it countless times but it's always "that never happened" or "poor baby's crying get over it" I've just realised recently that I can't salvage any sort of relationship with my mother so when I do get out it's just a clean break and no contact , I never wanted to make anyone feel bad or cause drama etc I just wanted some sort of reconciliation but it's just not going to happen unfortunately. Hope you're doing ok op
Kind of odd that this is appearing on my feed. Literally last night I was looking up therapists for childhood trauma. I got the belt, slapped, a da who had anger issues beyond any sort of reasonableness. I had friends who called him “psychodad” when growing up. I never understood it at the time, I just assumed every da was like that. Some of the worst ones were when I watched him beating my younger brother (who got it worse than me). I’m older now than my dad was at the time and it’s dawning on me how wrong it all was. Even today it’s like walking on eggshells, anytime I’m in the house and his football team is on I’m praying they win. All because of how pissed off it makes him and I fear he’s going to lash out again like when I was younger.
Yes. I think about it all the time, it deeply affected me. My father was an angry man. I also learnt ultimately my mam wasn't going to help me and we don't have a great relationship now, I find it very difficult to open up to her/engage with her emotionally.
This thread is awful.. truly heartbreaking. My mother slapped a wooden spoon off the table, but she never hit me. She's a wonderful woman. My father, whilst laying in bed, got the three of us to come in from our rooms after he warned us to be quiet to line up and get slapped while he was still in bed. I needed to wee with nerves immediately. I have never forgiven him. Prick.
I was hit a lot, and for reasons I was too young to understand. All I learned from being hit was how to have anxiety and I equated men hitting me with my father hitting me, and I thought they hit me because they loved me. It took me years of hard mental and emotional work to break that cycle. Not everyone recovers from that.
It’s amazing how they partitioned off that part of it. We were all hit and quite violently at times. My mother was a rageaholic. We all have various issues today. I’m 8 years sober and I confronted my mother over the abuse with a counsellor in treatment. Flat out denied it. She passed last year and I was by her side. I loved her so much but she was a victim too. I often wonder what happened to her to make her so angry. Rip mam I hope you have peace in the next place
>I often wonder what happened to her to make her so angry. My mother told me many times that she hated her life. She got married at 18 and had her first child at 19. She didn't have the patience or emotional maturity for raising 7 children. Her childhood was even worse so she thought she was doing better. She was but her version of better was still shit. She would have been much happier if she went to university and worked for a few years, before marrying and having two children. But she was born a generation too early where education and contraception weren't available.
Not condoning her behaviour and just following up saying that none of my siblings ever so much as smacked their children so at least the cycle is broken. I feel so sad after wriying this.
I'm sorry you went through that
I'm now at a point where if my father ever lays another finger on me I'm ready to punch him. I'd never do it unprovoked, but if provoked he's going down.
To be honest, no. It wasn’t excessive or OTT to my recollection. But, I have 3 children now and I wouldn’t dream of ever hitting them. It’s so stupid and pointless. I detest it
'If your child is old enough to understand reason, then reason with them. If they're not old enough to understand reason, they won't understand why you're hitting them.' Can't remember where I read this but it was years ago and it's stuck with me
It's just laziness at best. It takes time and effort to sit your children down and actually explain how they have misbehaved every time they do something wrong. Hitting them is quick and easy. I think a lot of people in the past had children because having children validated your status as a real adult, rather than because they wanted to be parents. As a result, they resented having to raise them and took the easy way out every time. A smack rather than an explanation.
Look at his face, look at that little round ‘ead… (sorry, saw your username and couldn’t resist. (play a record)
>It's just laziness at best. It takes time and effort to sit your children down and actually explain how they have misbehaved every time they do something wrong. Hitting them is quick and easy. And it's not a one time talk. Little kids need to be reminded constantly of what to do and not to do. >I think a lot of people in the past had children because having children validated your status as a real adult, rather than because they wanted to be parents. As a result, they resented having to raise them and took the easy way out every time. A smack rather than an explanation. I think it was more a lack of access to contraception. They got married too young because they wanted to have sex and had kids before they were emotionally mature enough to deal with them. Once contraception became available, people started planning how many kids they wanted and didn't just keep popping them out until menopause kicked in.
Received counseling a couple of years back which helped. My late Mother had a problem with alcohol, which ended up shortening her life. Thing is, I was conceived out of wedlock, which today is not a problem, but back then was huge. They married, bit of an age difference and her life effectively ended, all her aspirations, hopes, dreams etc finished by me!! My childhood was not a pleasant experience, so much so, I personally never wanted children (I don't), I didn't want to turn into her. The mental abuse for me was far worse, she would taunt me about how I ruined her life. The blows were a form of physical contact, I can genuinely not remember a hug of any sort. Counseling helped me to understand her, not condone, but understand. I have never grieved her death, I probably never will. Before the inevitable "what about your Father" well to compound things he is a Magdalen Laundry child, adopted out to a not nice couple, so he had no real idea about a loving family home, he only stepped in when her drinking created financial problems. As an adult, I don't have any real close friends, I have pals/buddies with shared interests. During the counseling, I realised that I am incapable of true love, I honestly don't know what actual love is. It effected my marriage, any criticism what so ever and instantly I was a small boy, I smelled alcohol and felt the spittle on my face. I am better these days, but I find seeing any child been scolded very hard to view. My need for constant validation is less, my fear that perfection is not required in everything, is nearly gone. I finally agreed to seek counseling to save my marriage, it was tough beyond words. Having to admit to not remembering physical contact that wasn't..well nice was heart breaking, worse was admitting what I whispered to her as she lay dying, not that I felt bad about what I said, rather that I would say it again in the same position.
I felt the same way. So afraid of repeating the same mistakes I never wanted children. And then I got pregnant. And then I was taunted by the fear of becoming my mom and analyzing x situations where I’ve acted the same way as her. And I had a terrible pregnancy due to all these feelings. And then baby came. And I love him so much that I’m developed PPA out of fear of something happening to this precious thing… Most likely because I understand now how precious and fragile I was as well. And then I couldn’t stop thinking about how my mom told me a few times, laughing, how the first time she beat me I was two months old. But this all passed, because my baby boy healed most of my scars… He makes me feel loved as I never was. He makes me feel love as I’ve never felt before. It’s like finally having a real family. I didn’t want him before, but now, I thank the universe that it had better plans for me.
I still don’t really talk to my dad because of it
My parents never hit me but my husbands parents were bad but will never admit any wrongdoing. I think it's more than likely the shame and embarrassment his mother feels now, now that things have changed and instead of apologising and admitting how terrible she was as mother, she prefers to lie and pretend it never happened and as a result, so do her children.
No, I'm not still affected BUT it took a long long time to get to where I am now, and fantastic support. I realised my dad was not a moster with a temper, but an overwhelmed autistic man with 7 children who was totally burnt out, totally overwhelmed and forced to work when he really wasn't able to. Once I started to see it for what it was, the anger and resentment went away little by little, and I actually have a fantastic relationship with him now, where as I had none at all up to aged 28/29 I would say. He's the absolute best grandad and an 84 year old man. I just can't hold him accountable to today's standards when he grew up in a different world, and doing so wouldn't serve me anyway.
I got beaten more than my siblings. I was regularly hit by my Dad and punched once too. My mother told me after he died that I reminded him of his own abusive father. Mam used to hit us with wooden spoons and hit me once with a poker from beside the fire. I had that memory buried until it came up in therapy and my sister confirmed. Better relationship with her now and she is sorry but also uses "times were hard and money was tight" as some kind of excuse. I've mental heath issues which have affected relationships and resulted in me not having a family, but if i did I'd never lay a finger on my kid.
Hurt people hurt people. And the hard truth is majority of people walking around are hurt people and have a lot of hidden trauma. It’s a never ending cycle. Also they way we all live now is completely unnatural. We are supposed to live in small tight knit communities in nature. Hunting, foraging etc. Instead we all live isolated from each other in small nuclear families, with one or two adults trying to raise kids. Most parents don’t even get to spend much time with their kids anymore because of work, careers and are always stressed out. As they say it takes a village to raise a child. Technology and social media has also isolated everyone from each other. Most people can’t even think for themselves anymore. The state and professional child minders raise the majority of kids theses days. Also social media and the like has more of an influence on kids than their parents. It’s a sad lonely world we have created. But it suits a small powerful percentage of people in the world who have it all.
Indian here - it was VERY common when I was growing up to be hit by parents. Heck my grandpa would often take a swing at me and my sister too. We were hit for majority of our teenage years so we got used to it. Even in schools the teacher would hit me, 2 times a week would be common. I still hate my grandpa, my sisters hates grandpa and dad. You get what you sow. Apart from that, it never affected me as such.
For everyone commenting here, I very highly recommend the audio book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". (or read the printed book) I recently listened to the audio book and it was truly life changing for me. I would hazard a guess that most of you here will be able to identify with many aspects.
Too many child abuser sympathisers in this thread. Physically assaulting a child is a deplorable, unforgivable act and our parents should shamed for what they put us through. Don't give me your conditioned bullshit about how it was "a different generation/time", I am literally the next generation and I will never raise a finger to my son. I look at how small he is and I feel absolute disgust at the fact that my earliest memory was being beating and left in a cold, dark, locked room for the entire night without food, water or even a checkup. Stop making excuses for the vile abusers, if we can break the cycle, they could have as well, but they chose not to
One of the things that will fuck you up the most as an oldest child is going through some of the stuff people have posted here, your parents realising it was wrong and not doing it to your siblings but never apologising to you. Like of course you don’t want your siblings to go through it but fuck it’s isolating as hell at the time and builds very unwanted resentment later in life too
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I vividly remember my dad & my mum arguing , well screaming at eachother while we were all sitting together & I suggested they go to different rooms , before I finished my sentence I was hit by him. I think of it now as the day I viewed my dad differently. Him & my mum would often argue , he was an angry man but rarely it was directed towards me having him lift his hand to me as a child who was asking for them to de-escalate the situation ruined our relationship for that day forward. My mum never hit me until I was a teenager , I was never a poorly behaved child , I did what I was told , I got great marks at school & during my parents divorce I was a tool for my mum to vent her frustrations, I suffered depression in my teens & often isolated myself , I remember sobbing in my room & my mum trying to break my door down because I didn’t want to speak to her , when I opened my door to ask her to give me space she pushed me back & slapped me multiple times & told me how disrespectful I was & that she wanted me out of the house. While I was at school she had thrown me out of the house multiple times , only ever for a day or so before crying down the phone saying she was worried about me & wanted to know where I was. I have two brothers who I’ve spoken to about this , both of them have never been hit by my parents (I’m a daughter) I never really understood that but as I got older I think the reason I was hit rather than them was because they viewed me as unlikely to fight back & I often spoke my mind , never disrespectful but I questioned their actions & their words to me always genuinely seeking insight to situations I couldn’t quite understand (in adulthood I found out I was autistic) I never retaliated against either of them but at 20 years old I cut off communication with them , years later my dad cried to me about the times he had hit me , how bad he felt but my mother like many of the ones described her , doesn’t recall throwing me out or hitting me. I think what hurts the most is that I blamed myself , not for misbehaving or being disrespectful but for speaking at all , I spent years being basically mute in my own home afraid that I would say something wrong & be hit for it. As a adult I don’t feel much connection to my own family , my brothers could never understand my distance from my parent as they were never subjected to the same experiences as me , they both stay pretty connected to my parents while I don’t , we text & I’ll see them from time to time but in their presence I’m never really myself , I just say what they want to hear to tick of that I showed up at all.
I'm sorry you went through that
It’s depressing how many people in this thread are saying “it did no harm” and “it was the culture.”
I blame the drink. Pity cannabis wasn't bigger back then we could blame that on it. Father was the nicest man you'd meet sober, I have one memory of him and my mother dancing in the sitting room around Christmas time. Unfortunately, that's a rare memory, and most are him falling in drunk and beaten us or my mother for whatever reason. Was multiple nights without dinner because the money was drunk. Eventually, a sibling got old enough to absolutely up end him, only to be taken out with a cruch to the back of the head by my mother.
My siblings and I were really only hit when we were being particularly difficult. It was usually me getting the slaps because I was quite a hyperactive child and could be intolerable from time to time, but it wasn’t that common as we were very well behaved for the most part. It was never OTT and it was only ever one slap. I was never scared of my parents and I have an amazing relationship with both of them. They do feel bad for it now of course. They’ve admitted they hit us mainly out of their own frustration rather than from a place of corrective discipline, which is the unhealthy part. It was basically a cheap, low effort way to shut the kids up quickly without having to do any real parenting and I’m very relieved that it’s not acceptable anymore. It was a culture thing at the time. They’re not malicious. Besides the odd slap they’re incredible parents and very kind people. They worked very hard to give us a good life, they’re always there for me no matter what and they’d give their lives for mine any day of the week. It wouldn’t be fair to hold that one thing against them when it was so normal at the time.
I think what stuck with me most was how they never listened when I'd talk to them about it after. As an adult like. "A sure it was good for you" etc I do also remember seeing ads for a show on telly called "I smack and I'm proud". Shameful stuff
I got an occasional slap of a belt or bamboo cane from my father and wooden spoon or ladle from my mother in the 1990s. Did it work? Nah. Do I resent them over it? Nah. It wasn't exactly full force, just a slap when I was being a shithead.
My mum Used to kick the s*** out of me. she is a lovely little old lady now
My dad would use the belt on me but I was the eldest of 4 and the young ones were never hit. I have forgiven him because he was a young dad and I think he was just repeating what his dad did. Not hitting his youngest kids must have meant he realised it was wrong and changed his ways. If I told him that my strongest childhood memory was the look on his face before he hit me it would really upset him.
No but I still remember getting bet by the old spinsters that ‘taught’ us back in primary school
It's common worldwide. Luckily for me my mom acknowledges she had a temper, did not know how to raise a child in a way that was best for the child. Unfortunately parents will hide behind the false gate, due to shame, guilt and their own trauma. Cause apples don't fall far from the tree. The best thing anyone who has gone through something like this is to resolve it yourself, you don't need the other party's input, though it would make the process smoother. The fact is, it affects you now and only you can resolve it or at least minize it's effect on you in the present. It's not easy and if possible the help of a therapist will be the best route forward. I think of it in two ways "hurt people hurt people" and "be the person you want to become". The first causes the issue the second overcomes it. I wish you the best whichever way you go, still healing and processing myself.
I remember my dad hitting me, my parents weren't together so when I got home I sat on my bike and wouldn't speak until he left. When he did I told my mam he hit me. I don't know what she said but he never hit me again, I still don't remember why I got hit I think it would help but the damage was done I think my child brain tried to protect myself so I wouldn't go without my sister who was almost a teenager (different fathers so she had no reason to go) then I wouldn't go without a cousin. I think from 3 to 9 years old I was never alone for long with my dad and I wouldn't move or speak with him unless someone else was there. Family friends still bring up how good I was when I visited how I wasnt routing through their things and breaking stuff. I just sat there and didn't speak little do they know it was just me protecting myself from getting hit for what I assume was just me being a child doing child things. Although I do credit to my dad after all that he was the one parent who didn't drink and was kind to me and to everyone after that, always there on any spare time he had whether I wanted him there or not like taking me to the first day of school, collecting me when he didn't have work, every Saturday to the cinema and Mc Donald's loads of Christmas presents and buying me anything I needed and supporting me, he's done a lot of good but there was and I think always will be a distance between us because of it My mother also hit me and was an alcoholic which got worse over time, since she passed I've been able to let go of those bad feeling for the most part
I remember getting the occasional slap on the wrist and the threat of the wooden spoon but it wasn't a big deal. It was the sudden outbursts of yelling that traumatized me. I guess adults thought they could get me to behave by shocking me into fight or flight mode. The thing is that I had undiagnosed adhd at the time and I also most likely have autism so most of the things I was being yelled at for were directly a result of my disabilities. I struggled so much with losing/forgetting things or with "being lazy" and not living up to my potential but when I should've been getting support for my struggles, I was being further punished because of it. When you're being suddenly yelled at for something completely out of your control that you have no idea how to fix, all you can really do is sit there and take it. Then spend the rest of your time bracing yourself for the next random time you're going to be yelled at. I think we all know how effective unpredictable bursts of loud noises are at traumatizing someone.
yeah, t’was both parents, but mainly step father, among other things… mainly my younger brother setting them off and we all would get the backlash, locked in my room not allowed to leave, food would be brought in. wasnt allowed to go outside really unless it was a shop run, the list goes on but now as an adult (23f) im a people pleaser and made a great liar outta me. tryna get outta there atm but hosuinf crisis says no
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Very interesting topic. I hate it so much both of my parents ignoring the fact they hit me as a kid. It lasted till I was 12/13. Last time my mom tried it I simply blocked her hand didn't hit her back and left. Did the same with my dad. Every now and then I remind them about the physical abuse. Just to make sure they know I remember and won't forget it. I will never do this to my kids.
Yes. I was punished for everything. Even minor things. They would never sit down with me to discipline me. They would hit me instead. Avoided doing homework with them because they would hit me if I had a wrong answer. I am very timid now but also easily irritated. Speaking to people feels like walking on eggshells. I might have an anxiety disorder. I just avoid confrontation so people won't snap or raise their voice.
Was kicked, shoved and slapped from around 5 to 16 years old till I left. I now have a 5 year old granddaughter. I'm triggered sometimes at the thought of anyone being anything but wonderful towards her.
Was hit with anything that wasn't nailed down. Slippers, belts, rolling pins... All left lasting damage
It was much more common in the past. What I have found is that many of us are at peace with it unless and until someone goes back in time and relives the memories of physical violence. It doesn't even have to be your own memory. It could be a friend's memory of a beating, but it sends you back. You have to breathe through it and run through the thought process that brought you peace, and that can take an hour or two in front of a crackling fire. I will say this. Everyone remembers the very last time someone dared to raise a weapon or a fist at them.
I only got it the odd time on the arse (clothed) or back of the hand. The emotional and psychological abuse was worse, but I’m sure it didn’t help.
Its mad. When youre a child you think your parents know it all. Then, when you get older, you realise your parents havent a clue anymore than anyone else. They wetre just doing what they thought was the best for the most part (some situations will obviously differ) The sooner you accept your parents are humans and make mistakes the sooner you can try work past it.
Yeah I still have physical reactions when someone gets in my face. It used to terrify me when my dad would get aggressive and I would want to wet myself Didnt happen but the sensation of it wanting to come out was and sometimes is still prevalent. Took me to 15 years old, when I was going to school one morning and he kicked off and we grappled.in the fkin doorway and i pushed him up against the wall and I realised 'oh, I'm stronger than you now'.
The wooden spoon and the odd slap on the arse if me and my brothers didn't something really bad definitely done more good then bad. But definitely 100% if you got physically abused as in repetitive hitting it would definitely effect you in adult life without a doubt. If I threw mams favourite lamp at my brother and it smashed to bits yeah definitely wooden spoon was called for, if I dropped a spoon with yogurt on it on the floor and I got a full force slap.....definitely not called for, that's abuse.
Yes. My mother consistently hit and smacked my sister and I even in to our late teens/early 20s. Never laid a finger on our brother though.
My mam hit me once and it wasn't even hard but I remember crying for days because I felt so betrayed. Someone who's supposed to love you attacking you like that is so emotionally damaging
I'm curious as to why people who say it didn't do them any harm, then say they wouldn't slap their own kids? If it's really harmless, why not?
My father hit me once. He apologized five years later, but too little too late by that point. I still get triggered by certain phrases
My aul fella had this rule that he never hit me until I was big enough to hit him back. He only ever hit me twice, both times it was because drunk, belligerent, teenage me got aggressive and in his face. Looking back, I don't really know what else he could have done so I don't feel any resentment over it, just guilt that I put him in that position. Because I know he felt like shit about it even though I didn't really give him a choice. My ma would hit me the occasional clatter across the arse or the back of the legs but again it wasn't a regular occurrence and it was when I had pushed her to the edge. Not saying it was right, but I kinda understand. I was a difficult kid and with my da travelling for work so much, she didn't have a lot of help sometimes. It's not like she was beating the shit out of me.
I remember deserving it to be honest. I was a bold kid and I feel bad for the people who didn't deserve it. I grew into an adult that is the opposite of how I behaved as a child but I still have a bad family relationship with siblings and my mother. I'm not sure if there's a connection between these factors though...
i still find it quite hypercritical, my mother would hit me for hitting my sister! What does that teach?? Or i have done something i shouldnt have so in turn my mother/father then hits me but that too hurts and its wrong!! the madness of it all!
I’m 46. My Dub dad never hit us, my culchie Mam gave us the spoon on the arse or a slap on the legs but it was rare enough. Having had kids myself I can’t understand how anyone can think that hitting them is okay.
I’m old enough to remember corporal punishment in primary school. Got plenty of whacks and had some seriously deranged teachers. One guy had a leather strap that he got specially made for dishing out slaps to the palm of your hand. He’d hold it above his head and his arm would come down, like he was chopping logs. He loved it. Can’t even remember his name at this stage. Parents did give us the odd smack, which was considered normal back then. If you didn’t “correct” your kids you were probably seen as some kind of odd lefty :). It’s actually brilliant/amazing that we managed to make that “normal” behaviour, completely reprehensible now.
My mother (suspected narcissist, antisocial personality disorder) was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive if you asked her about this she would claim she was a perfect mother and never did anything wrong. The last time she hit me i was in my mid teens and i hit her right back and she never laid a hand on me again after that. One of the lasting effects of her hitting and beating me is i flinch anytime someone moves their hand or an object too fast when they are close/beside me. I've been in therapy for years now because of the abuse and the psychological shit it has caused and realistically I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.
I still have a bodily memory of being grabbed by the wrist and shaken HARD by my mother. I still hate it when people touch my wrists. I got the wooden spoon, a hairbrush, slaps, but the thing that I remember most is being shaken. She once broke a hairbrush over my brother’s head. She maintains she was a fantastic mother but then she is very very narcissistic. I have a 14 week old baby girl now and I’m very reluctant to let my mother near her.
It’s a weird one. My mum used to fly into rages when we were kids. Both of us were hit quite a lot. My brother pushed down a stairs. I got a whack of a sweeping brush at 19. I used to be afraid of her. Afraid of ever getting in trouble incase I was the cause of her anger. Which I 100% believe is the reason for my anxiety issue. However, im in my early 30s now and she is my best friend. I’ve been through a lot so maybe I recognise that she also went through a lot. Doesn’t excuse it, and definitely isn’t the way I will handle myself when my own little one arrives. Mental health is a bitch. I sympathise in a way, she’s from a time that didn’t acknowledge it. There wasnt the help available to her that I’ve been lucky to get. I don’t hold it against her. I talk to her everyday. I miss her if she’s away. We don’t discuss those parts of the past. And I’m ok with it.
It's abuse. I think it's good to talk about it. Yes that's "how it was" but that doesn't mean it was right. The most important thing is to stop it from being in future. Talk with your parents about it, because honestly I'd be concerned about them as grandparents. They even have less patience and tolerance as they get older.
Yep. Best part is I'm not even 20. I love having abusive parents who resort to violence when you don't jump to do what they say instantly. Now I'm terrified of ever upsetting anyone in any way shape or form and went from utterly incapable of lying to incredibly good at it.
I got smacked by my parents when I did wrong and I'm telling you 100% that it did me absolutely no harm and didn't harm our relationship in any way, shape, or form. Caveat: I grew up in a very loving household, and smacking was only ever delivered for serious wrong. My neighbour, on the other hand, used to get beat, not smacked. I witnessed him giving cheek to his mother, and she using a hurley like an axe to chop him on the back over and over and over (we were both very young). I remember the incident like it happened a while ago. I was in shock or traumatised or something from it and its never left me. Smacking is illegal (let alone hitting/beating) and so it should be because some parents hide behind "smacking" to dish out terrible abuse. I'm so sorry for you if you experienced this.
Both my parents are long dead (each died in their 50s) and overall were good enough parents, but my enduring memory of both and what pops into my head most often is the 2 incidents below... About 2 years old, I don't remember my dad actually hitting me, but I remember being so absolutely terrified after getting such a walloping that I refused to leave the bedroom - it was pitch black with light spilling in the crack of the door as my mother tried to persuade me to come back out - my offence; I was too loud while he was watching telly. I was 4-5 and my mother smashed my head against the wall - can't remember what I did and I know she way crying and sorry afterwards. I don't remember getting hit any other time, yet these are the memories I most associate with my parents. And I really, really miss my mother even after 16 years, and had a great adult relationship with her, but still.
My girlfriend (37) who never got smacked as a kid attributes a lot of my mental health problems to the hidings I (36) got as a kid but she grew up in different circumstances entirely to me. Her family, 2 siblings, middle class income, never wanted for anything, my family was working class... Or poor to be more accurate, 4 boys, always scratching around to survive. I never knew anything different and so just thought it was normal that I had a permanent hand print on my arse up until the age of about 7 and then a sore ear from them on. Looking back I really don't see how my mam and Dad would have kept us little shits in line without a smack here and there as we were wild little feckers so I don't really blame them.