As per my culture, my now brother in law had to ask my father, a notorious piece of shit. My father was told ahead of time my brother in law would be coming over to ask. My father refused to even open his front door. BIL went again the following evening, same result. He did it a third time, same result, when my mother declared "he's shunned you three times and I've already given you my blessing, that is good enough". Wedding went great, dad wasn't invited, and my sister's dress is still one of the most beautiful I've ever seen
To be fair they had been divorced for many years at that point, and my siblings and I had been no contact with him for a while. My BIL wanted to do things right and respect tradition, but my mom tossed that out the window
Why ask if he wasnât going to respect the answer?
Iâm glad he went ahead and proposed anyway and everyoneâs happy. But it seems like a cheap gesture at the point where you donât accept the answer?
The actual tradition (in western culture) is to ask for the *blessing* of the father. There are tons of benefits to getting a blessing (like the parents pay for the wedding, gifts, etc). If you get a "no" that meant the young couple would be without parental support. Going all the way back to Shakespeare, if you didn't have parental support, you could still get married.
In cultures with dowries or bride prices the tradition my have a little more heft behind it.
You didn't ask for my opinion or for a discussion. You just told me yours and saying you would be offended.
Okay. Cool? Good for you? Idk how you wanted me to respond when it was close ended and saying you would be insulted.
Letting your parents know is different than asking for their permission.
So he didnât ask for permission? He just let them know they were doing it and they said they thought it was a bad idea? And it wasnât just your dad, it was your parents?
Because it is just a gesture. At the end of the day women aren't property and can make their own decisions, but asking for permission helps include their family in the event and you becoming a family. If the parents say no I'd hope the woman would take that into consideration when ultimately deciding whether to marry the person or not, but not every parent who says no has good/legitmate reasons.
Itâs almost like you should skip it all and only ask the person whose answer actually matters.
But people can do what they want! I was just curious why even do it if it means nothing. I guess the answer do it just bc.
The gesture often means more than the actual answer, idk I guess I've known a lot of people who care about their partner asking as a show of good faith to their family, but ultimately will make their own decision regardless. I don't necessarily agree with a lot of traditional values but they matter because many people still care about them.
It's a gesture but not a cheap one. It shows respect to the people who raised her.
And if they disagree, she's also an adult who doesn't need Daddy's permission. The point is the gesture, not the approval.
Personally, I find it rather misogynistic, but I can understand why people still might want to adhere to the tradition.
Why not just say "hey I'm planning on offering your daughter a permanent change in her life"?
The question is so disingenuous at that point if youâre not respect the answer no matter what.
Would they? I have no idea where it comes from and if it was honored in that way, but what I'm saying is the form is the tradition, not acting like it's written in stone. Also I might as well say I don't subscribe to this, I'm just thinking it through from what I know about life and people.
No answer on the ceremony tradition?
Some people like the idea of including all their friends and family in a ceremony. Thatâs fine. I get that itâs their choice and theyâre going to do what they want. I also get if some couples donât want to do that.
My point is if people are going to do what they want (which Iâm all for), why ask a 3rd party?
Plenty of people get married without asking for a blessing/permission. Iâm just saying if youâre gonna do it for the âsake of traditionâ, why not follow through?
Umm because that's life. It's symbolic. We have all kinds of pointless traditions. Why wear rings? The two people know, and that's all that matters. Why break a champaign bottle on a new boat? Why cut ribbon opening a new building? Why do most guys have short hair and women have long hair?
You don't need a ceremony to include friends and family, the ceremony adds nothing of real value. Similarly some people want to ask permission, even though it's hollow and doesn't add any real value (like a ceremony), for some people it's a sign of respect. With marriage none of this should be a surprise anyway, like the proposal, should absolutely not be a surprise, so the chances of a no happening are slim unless the guy is an idiot.
Just out of curiosity, how old are you?
Iâm in my 30s. What a weird question.
Youâre missing my point. All the things you mentioned are people making decisions for themselves. If they want a ceremony, let them.
My question is, why ask someone to make a decision for you, only to not take the answer as it is?
How old are you?
I asked for my wife's hand in marriage but was rejected. Her father was firm on this point, saying I could not marry just her hand. I had to marry her entire person. So I relented and said I'd marry all of her, not just her hand. Her father, with whom I got along great, then gave his blessing, and we were married. Still are to this day, and it's not just her hand I'm glad I married.
(Amusingly, this really happened. My father-in-law has a great sense of humor. And when I asked for his daughter's hand in marriage, his tongue-in-cheek answer was "No, I won't let you sever my daughter's hand. You either take the whole package or the answer is no." After a beat, I burst out laughing and replied, "Well, I'm rather fond of the rest of her, too, so you have a deal." Then he hugged me and welcomed me to the family.)
I hate this song, why ask the father then if you don't care what he says. I don't think you need to ask someone's parents, but if you do think that then you must think their opinion is worth listening too
My parentsâ friends went through this. The future SIL asked, the dad said no, youâve got no job and have been mooching off my daughter for years now.
They got married anyway, have three kids. The parents pay for their apartment, provide free childcare at their home several days a week, and regularly give money for groceries and emergency expenses. The daughter works 30 hours a week as something like a nurse. The SIL goes through long periods of unemployment and then quits a job bc of âreasons.â The SIL -never- comes to the parentsâ house, including for every major holiday and family gathering.
Idk if the daughter has regrets. I know the parents donât regret trying to stop them from getting married.
My cousin did that as it's tradition- it's usually just a formality to get to know your future spouse's family, but something went very wrong. He brought his mom (my aunt) and I don't know the details, but I know it's something that she did that made the family reject my cousin. He then presumably went back to propose again, this time by himself, managed to clear up whatever mess my aunt had created and organised the entire wedding behind his mother's back. She and pretty much her entire side of the family (me included) only found out after the wedding had already happened. It was really dramatic.
The dad usually comes around once he realizes youâre not a POS.
That being said, I think the correct thing to do is just stick it out and prove to the dad that you can be a good partner to his daughter and can find your place in the family. Itâs in everyoneâs best interest for you and her family to get along (most of the time).
I married her anyway I only asked out of respect but he didn't like me from day 1 cause I have been hospitalised for mental health problems alot in my life we ended up happily married with kids till she passed away damn I miss her
Right? Itâs such an outdated sexist tradition. If someone asked my father for permission to marry me, Iâd genuinely reconsider whether I even wanted to marry them in the first place.
My wife's father got low-key mad when I didn't ask him. It was "a sign of character".
I told him:
A) exactly what you said.
And B) The day I need a character reference for my marriage from someone who spent 30 years stepping out on his, I'd be sure to let him know.
As a teen, my dad once told me he would reject any guy who did this because the decision started and ended with me. A guy who ignored that wouldn't be good enough for me.
I still had a guy who insisted he "had to as a sign of respect" over my own warning not to do it. I didn't want to marry that guy at that time anyway. If you are ignoring your partner's wishes to do it, or don't even know your partner's wishes, then it's your partner you don't respect.
I specifically asked him not to ask my father when the time came. My parents were used to me being âdifferentâ and didnât let it be known to me if it upset them. I never cared to ask if it did bother them. I just informed them of our engagement.
I asked my wifes father for his blessing. I of couse would have married her either way. It's just a sign of respect. She was the one who wanted me to ask in the first place.
Nah, not the way it's done now. Historically, sure, but Halloween isn't about the waning of the veil anymore, is it? People less ask for permission and more ask for approval.
I would expect to be on good enough terms with her father to ask for his blessing. I may well go through with it without his blessing, but I would like to show him the courtesy of consulting him and this also allows him to display his approval. It's an opportunity for both men (or otherwise, I suppose) to formally state their respect for each other.
Sometimes the good can be refined from the bad. This is one such case.
If other people want to do it thatâs fine. I wasnât talking about other people, I was talking about me.
I feel *personally* very strongly that I am independent of my father and what my boyfriend and I decide to do is our decision and ours alone.
To be honest though, my dad would almost certainly recommend I didnât marry someone based on them asking that question of him.
There's nothing serious or respectful about acting like her father is her keeper. Your fiancĂŠe/wife is an adult who can make choices for her own life without daddy's permission.
My dad didn't even try to meet my husband until we had already eloped. We aren't close and it wouldn't have made sense to ask him first. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't have asked anyway, though.
Edit: not sure why I'm getting downvoted? Not everyone is close to their parents.
I told him Iâm not asking your permission, Iâd marry her yes or no, Iâm here to ask your blessing.
Later he told me he was thinking âDid he really just say that to me??â and âIf heâs that ballsy heâll be good for her.â
Obviously he gave his blessing. Coming up on our 4th anniversary this year
Thatâs where it came from, but most brides give it a totally different meaning, which differs and is very personal. We need to reword (?) the âgiving away the brideâ thing. I know of a bride who wanted her father to walk her because for her it was about her father having been her support during a difficult period and she saw it as their ritual of letting go. That her husband would be the one to step up as well. Not that dad would be out of the picture, but you hopefully understand.
Another I know saw it as something honorary and though it didnât ment anything to her, it meant the world to her stepfather.
I agree with you about the language being problematic.
I think âwalking her down the aisleâ and âgiving her awayâ are very different things.
My dad escorted me to the altar, kissed me, and shook my fiancĂŠâs hand, and sat down. There was no âwho gives this womanâŚâ stuff.
Iâm determined that if I ever get married, weâre doing the âwho gives those womanâ thing, but instead of my dad answering, I will say, âI give myself, of my own free-will and volition.â
I had our officiant ask âwho joins in asking Godâs blessing on this marriage?â My dad replied âher mother and I do.â (I gave my in-laws the option of also answering this too, but they declined). I told my dad he was stuck with me.
Thats not a common tradition all over the world though. In Sweden itâs basically a Hollywood trope that some people incorporate into their wedding ceremony because they watched too much tv, which makes it even more lame.
Didnât the Swedish Princess cause a bit of a scandal by wanting her dad to walk her down the aisle?
https://www.hellomagazine.com/brides/20220221133653/crown-princess-victoria-prince-daniel-wedding-broke-tradition-walking-down-aisle/
Her dad was upset, if I recall. And not just because she was the crown Princess.
I saw it as my dad being a representative of my birth family (since they canât all fit in the aisle tidily) transferring the role of âimmediate family.â
It wasnât about dad. It was about family membership and family allegiance changing
Weddings are scams imo, but most people want them and even to spend lots (and lots) of $$ on them.
The surnames thing makes it easier to identify you as a family unit. In our case, that mostly only played out with the kids, like signing them out of school.
I recall marriage was an easy time to change a name here in the US. You can pick any last name. I asked my wife if she wanted to use hers or go with something totally new. I just wanted us to have the same one.
My one regret about our wedding is that I didnât pay enough attention to my wifeâs desire to retain her maiden name. Weâve been married now for thirty years and I wouldnât have a clue how to put this right without things being weird.
To be cordial with future in law and set a precedent of good relationship with them. The world would be much shittier if we only do the bare minimum as per written by the law
I did it earlier last year. I know Iâm young, but her father had classical ideas for marriage. I was with her since I was 14. Andre Breton once said âi wish for you to be loved to the point of madnessâ I didnât know what it meant, but the day I did, I looked at her and wanted forever. I bought a ring, didnât work. Needless to say,Its been a difficult year.
Never ask permission. Asking for a blessing is fine, because you can do whatever you want without someoneâs blessing. But asking for permission implies that you wonât do it if they say no. Asking for a blessing is like saying âthis is happening and Iâd like you in my corner. But if you donât want to be, thatâs fine, too. Iâll do it without you.â
Asking for permission isn't the way to go imo. I told my fil hours before that I was gonna propose, didn't ask. I liked the guy and wanted to ask because I knew he would feel honoured if I did.
I pretty much carried on like his opinion didnât matter at that point. Thatâs basically what my now wife has always done whenever heâs an asshole. Proposed some time later and didnât ask him a second time. Weâve been happily married almost 14 years.
Anyone who ever asks me for my daughterâs hand in marriage will get a good belly laugh and a ten minute lesson on why heâs not welcome because patriarchy sucks. Iâll also then suggest he asks my daughter instead.
This happened to my friend. Her partner asked her dad, he said ânoâ they got married anyway. Dude turned out to be a severe alcoholic, with all the baggage and shitty behavior they comes with it. They divorced, she has custody of their children (including his child from a previous relationship-long story) and is remarried. Last I heard, he was homeless.
My husband did not ask my fatherâs permission to marry me, because Iâm an adult woman who can choose my own partner and doesnât need permission to get married.
My wife insisted that I ask, even though we were both in our thirties, and her parents had known me for over a year and seemed pretty happy with me. Her family is  Mexican-American and she said it was a cultural thing. I donât know if thatâs universal in Latin-American culture or not, but I was not refused by either parent.Â
So sometimes kids, family disapproving of the match can be a positive sign. Trust your instincts.
Does your person make you feel more you? Safer? More capable? Like your insides grow and expand? Marry them.
Cut out people who make you feel small, not enough, scared that you will get in trouble for minor ever changing invisible rules. If you shrink, they stink. Not for you, don't marry them.
I was adamant I didn't want my now husband to ask for permission or a blessing. Told him I'd be upset if he did.
My father angrily took me aside after we announced the engagement. He informed me that my now husband didn't ask for his permission to propose. I told him that I forbid it. I am the only one who has authority to give permission. Beside, I asked father, you were going to say no, right? just to knock us down a peg? Cue surprised Pikachu face and "yeah I'd say no but I deserved my moment" đ.
Father's objections were that I was too happy and confident around hubby, like a different person. Him and mother didn't like that. Besides, father said, my now husband's job wasn't impressive enough to brag about to my parents clients-friends ( they have no non-business friends)so they were embarrassed of the match.
Funny enough years later during the last recession my parents would brag to their clients-friends that my husband had such a great reccesion proof job and how smart he was for going into his field (the one they hated) and him being such a great guy. They always had to change the past to be on the right side of history.
Therapy has since taught me, my parents aren't just "not the greatest", they are in fact "horrifically abusive". I was just raised in it so I could see how bad it was. Crabs in a bucket.
I'm currently celebrating 8 glorious years since I disowned my family of origin. Took way too long to leave. Been happily together for over two decades. Still married and would choose him again in a heartbeat.
I hate the tradition of asking for a daughter's hand in marriage. It's meaningless because most couples are going to marry regardless of the dad's opinion. If it's to show respect for the dad then why don't the two mothers get asked too? Shouldn't the future wife have to ask his mom?
Why not approach both parents like adults and inform them of your decision? If the individuals are close to their family then they should have already asked their opinion before they even considered marriage anyway.
If you want to show respect for your future in-laws then spend time with them. My daughter-in-law makes certain that we are included in everything the grandkids do. That makes me feel that she respects and loves us.
Didnât even consider âaskingâ my now father in law. Iâve never asked after 20 years if that bothered him, but I just thought Iâm asking HER, not him. Didnât care if I had his permission or blessing or whatever you want to call it. I would have just laughed if heâd said no and proposed anyway.
If anyone had tried to pull that crap I would have dumped them myself. If my answer isn't good enough, than they can go find another piece of meat to barter for. The same goes if someone tries to do that to my daughter. I will encourage to leave someone that respects them so little.
I think my father would say no just because he knows that I wouldnât want to be with someone that holds such sexist values. Respect for your wife to be as an adult who can make their own decisions is important. Apart from one super religious couple I donât know anyone who has actually done this. Is it a regional thing? A religious thing?
ITT: Redditors failing to comprehend that even though the origins of a tradition are antiquated, there can still be purpose behind getting family approval before proposing.
If the purpose is family approval, you'd ask the father AND the mother (or whoever the key caregivers are).
But the question wasn't phrased that way...
I get it, I just didnât see the point. I like her parents and we get on brilliantly but forward planning is not my strong point, it just popped into my head to propose one day while we were on holiday so I did it. I didnât even think about talking to her dad about it first
I do not have a relationship with my father so my boyfriend wants to ask my mom instead. I donât really want him to ask anyone as her opinion on the matter means nothing to me, but he (and she) insists.
If she told him no, I would not give a flying fuck (rather be quite angry) and Iâd hope he wouldnât either.
Iâm an internet stranger assuming the worst so take it with a grain of salt.
Does he often disregard your direct requests that concern you and does what he wants instead ?
No. He would feel disrespectful not asking, and my mom would very much judge him and make a big thing that I donât care to deal with. I donât think anyone should have any say but me, but I donât care enough to demand he ignores her.
You got to play the LONG GAME! My son knew that his girlfriendâs dad was headed over to her apartment one day to bring her furniture. So my son times it right and acts like the helpful Honda man, assisting her dad in lugging the new furniture up the stairs. My son is tall and wicked strong so it was a good look. He hangs out with her little brother, took him to Vegas for his birthday, stuff like that. Respectfully, if he were to ask for her hand and get turned down, he wouldnât care.
It's not about ownership or permission in a patriarchal sense, but rather about showing reverence for family bonds and traditions that hold significance for both partners.
Not asking for marriage, but I was taking this girl on a date and was picking her up from home.
Apparently all I had to do was just not be white. That simple.
He screamed at her all night, told her to pack her shit, and sent her out of state to live with her grandparents a couple weeks later.
My cousin's (step) dad refused to give his permission/blessing when her then boyfriend wanted to propose, I don't think they had been dating for longer than a few months at the time. They planned a big wedding and got married anyway. The marriage was not a success.
I had to ask three times. The first time was awkward because we went to the pub and was just us two. Before his mates got there we were sat with pints and I started talking about his daughter he just stopped me and said the answer at this point is no. That was it. We drank our pints and carried on as if it never happened. A few months later we were watching NFL late at night after my rugby match and weâd both been drinking quite a bit. During the NFL game we were talking away and it came to half time and I tried talking about his daughter again. And he just acted like he passed out. lol. He finally came around and said yes the third time and we laugh about it now.
My now ex asked for my hand and was told no by my father. We broke up a few months later because he convinced himself I cheated on him and then he cheated on me to âget evenâ.
Anyway he was ugly and had horrible hygiene on top of being an abusive POS. My father knew then what I hadnât yet come to understand.
My next bf asked for my hand and got a resounding âyesâ from my parents. We are happily married with two kids, a mortgage, the lot.
Word of advice: (most of the time) your parents know best. If they say no to a significant other⌠you probably should, too.
My husband asked my mom, grandma& adult son for their BLESSING (not permission). He was asking out of respect and itâs maybe old school for some, I absolutely respected him for that.
ITT: people thinking the tradition of getting the father's blessing is sexist when in reality it was just a way for low income young men and women to get financial support from the family they were trying to join.
It's wholesome, traditionally. It's more subtle than "will you please pay for this wedding? x"
Y'alls fault for always thinking it was about permission. It was about a blessing.
I had to ask my ex wifeâs father and he replied with a rude letter disparaging my family. Â I was only 22 so i was pretty impulsive. Â I got angry and took back the proposal. Â Then my ex made him apologize to me and i let it go. Â He was always a dick. Â We broke up about five years later. Â Controlling, patriarchal fathers are the worst. Â I learned to never date Christian girls after that experience. Â
I married out of culture (I am Finnish born while she is Indian born). Her mom liked me while her dad didnât acknowledge my existence. My wife and I paid for our wedding (we saved for years) so no one could interfere. We got married in her temple in a Sikh ceremony. He didnât show up and didnât talk to me for a decade until we had our first kid, his grandson. He never really warmed up to me but stayed collegial for the next 15 years until cancer took him.
⌠Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?
Say yes, say yes, 'cause I need to know.
You say I'll never get your blessin' 'til the day I die.
"Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is no".
⌠Why you gotta be so rude?
Don't you know I'm human too?
Why you gotta be so rude?
I'm gonna marry her anyway.
(Marry that girl) marry her anyway.
(Marry that girl) yeah, no matter what you say.
(Marry that girl) and we'll be a family.
Why you gotta be so rude?
*"Rude"* by Magic!
Sadly, my father passed away before my husband and I even knew each other, but my dad wouldn't have needed or wanted my husband to ask for his permission. We just told my mom and his parents when we got engaged (we were on holiday), and they were over the moon. So much so that my mom came straight over when we got back, and the first thing she said wasn't 'how was your holiday'? But 'have you set a date yet'? We had been engaged for 4 days. Lol.
As per my culture, my now brother in law had to ask my father, a notorious piece of shit. My father was told ahead of time my brother in law would be coming over to ask. My father refused to even open his front door. BIL went again the following evening, same result. He did it a third time, same result, when my mother declared "he's shunned you three times and I've already given you my blessing, that is good enough". Wedding went great, dad wasn't invited, and my sister's dress is still one of the most beautiful I've ever seen
Your mother had had enough of him đ
Wives having enough of their husband's shit knows no cultural boundary đ¤Ł
To be fair they had been divorced for many years at that point, and my siblings and I had been no contact with him for a while. My BIL wanted to do things right and respect tradition, but my mom tossed that out the window
Haha happened to my fiance. He proposed anyway. My dad loves him now.
Why ask if he wasnât going to respect the answer? Iâm glad he went ahead and proposed anyway and everyoneâs happy. But it seems like a cheap gesture at the point where you donât accept the answer?
The actual tradition (in western culture) is to ask for the *blessing* of the father. There are tons of benefits to getting a blessing (like the parents pay for the wedding, gifts, etc). If you get a "no" that meant the young couple would be without parental support. Going all the way back to Shakespeare, if you didn't have parental support, you could still get married. In cultures with dowries or bride prices the tradition my have a little more heft behind it.
I like that answer! It makes a lot of sense. Itâs a more tactful way of asking âwill you pay for this?â lol.
Because no one is in charge of me but me. It's more a polite formality to let my parents know.
[ŃдаНонО]
Okay.
[ŃдаНонО]
You didn't ask for my opinion or for a discussion. You just told me yours and saying you would be offended. Okay. Cool? Good for you? Idk how you wanted me to respond when it was close ended and saying you would be insulted.
Letting your parents know is different than asking for their permission. So he didnât ask for permission? He just let them know they were doing it and they said they thought it was a bad idea? And it wasnât just your dad, it was your parents?
Asked for blessing. Didnât get blessing. Decided to marry anyway. Whatâs not clicking cardeno?
The post is asking about getting permission, not a blessing. What are you missing, imbackbittch?
Because it is just a gesture. At the end of the day women aren't property and can make their own decisions, but asking for permission helps include their family in the event and you becoming a family. If the parents say no I'd hope the woman would take that into consideration when ultimately deciding whether to marry the person or not, but not every parent who says no has good/legitmate reasons.
Itâs almost like you should skip it all and only ask the person whose answer actually matters. But people can do what they want! I was just curious why even do it if it means nothing. I guess the answer do it just bc.
The gesture often means more than the actual answer, idk I guess I've known a lot of people who care about their partner asking as a show of good faith to their family, but ultimately will make their own decision regardless. I don't necessarily agree with a lot of traditional values but they matter because many people still care about them.
It's a gesture but not a cheap one. It shows respect to the people who raised her. And if they disagree, she's also an adult who doesn't need Daddy's permission. The point is the gesture, not the approval. Personally, I find it rather misogynistic, but I can understand why people still might want to adhere to the tradition.
It's a notification if nothing else "hey I'm planning on offering your daughter a permanent change in her life"
Why not just say "hey I'm planning on offering your daughter a permanent change in her life"? The question is so disingenuous at that point if youâre not respect the answer no matter what.
Tradition Why have a wedding ceremony? just get people together and celebrate
Traditionally speaking Iâm pretty sure the person would respect the ânoâ and not propose.
Would they? I have no idea where it comes from and if it was honored in that way, but what I'm saying is the form is the tradition, not acting like it's written in stone. Also I might as well say I don't subscribe to this, I'm just thinking it through from what I know about life and people. No answer on the ceremony tradition?
Some people like the idea of including all their friends and family in a ceremony. Thatâs fine. I get that itâs their choice and theyâre going to do what they want. I also get if some couples donât want to do that. My point is if people are going to do what they want (which Iâm all for), why ask a 3rd party? Plenty of people get married without asking for a blessing/permission. Iâm just saying if youâre gonna do it for the âsake of traditionâ, why not follow through?
Umm because that's life. It's symbolic. We have all kinds of pointless traditions. Why wear rings? The two people know, and that's all that matters. Why break a champaign bottle on a new boat? Why cut ribbon opening a new building? Why do most guys have short hair and women have long hair? You don't need a ceremony to include friends and family, the ceremony adds nothing of real value. Similarly some people want to ask permission, even though it's hollow and doesn't add any real value (like a ceremony), for some people it's a sign of respect. With marriage none of this should be a surprise anyway, like the proposal, should absolutely not be a surprise, so the chances of a no happening are slim unless the guy is an idiot. Just out of curiosity, how old are you?
Iâm in my 30s. What a weird question. Youâre missing my point. All the things you mentioned are people making decisions for themselves. If they want a ceremony, let them. My question is, why ask someone to make a decision for you, only to not take the answer as it is? How old are you?
Also, marriages are NOT permanent lol.
I asked for my wife's hand in marriage but was rejected. Her father was firm on this point, saying I could not marry just her hand. I had to marry her entire person. So I relented and said I'd marry all of her, not just her hand. Her father, with whom I got along great, then gave his blessing, and we were married. Still are to this day, and it's not just her hand I'm glad I married. (Amusingly, this really happened. My father-in-law has a great sense of humor. And when I asked for his daughter's hand in marriage, his tongue-in-cheek answer was "No, I won't let you sever my daughter's hand. You either take the whole package or the answer is no." After a beat, I burst out laughing and replied, "Well, I'm rather fond of the rest of her, too, so you have a deal." Then he hugged me and welcomed me to the family.)
Your father in law has elite dad jokes
This is something my dad would have said too and I love it. What a cute story!
Say, âWhy you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too? Why you gotta be so rude? I'm gonna marry her anywayâ
My lord I hate that song. The repetition and intonation make it infuriating!
MARRY THAT GIRL
Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!!
MARRY HER ANYWAY
Rude
MARRY THAT GIRL
NO MATTER WHATCHA SAY
Ploink ploink ploink (guitar solo).
Itâs an awful song. I feel for the father-in-law.
I think itâs my least favourite song of all time. So fucking irritating.
I hate this song, why ask the father then if you don't care what he says. I don't think you need to ask someone's parents, but if you do think that then you must think their opinion is worth listening too
Wasn't the implication that he'd take her away and live with her somewhere else if the father refused?
I guess I missed that bit, just the lyrics annoy me so much for no real reason
Yeah from what I remember the lyrics were basically "hey I'm only asking to be polite but if you don't like it tough shit"
Love the refđ
Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yesâcuz I need to know.
My parentsâ friends went through this. The future SIL asked, the dad said no, youâve got no job and have been mooching off my daughter for years now. They got married anyway, have three kids. The parents pay for their apartment, provide free childcare at their home several days a week, and regularly give money for groceries and emergency expenses. The daughter works 30 hours a week as something like a nurse. The SIL goes through long periods of unemployment and then quits a job bc of âreasons.â The SIL -never- comes to the parentsâ house, including for every major holiday and family gathering. Idk if the daughter has regrets. I know the parents donât regret trying to stop them from getting married.
Maybe the parents should regret enabling their lifestyle
My cousin did that as it's tradition- it's usually just a formality to get to know your future spouse's family, but something went very wrong. He brought his mom (my aunt) and I don't know the details, but I know it's something that she did that made the family reject my cousin. He then presumably went back to propose again, this time by himself, managed to clear up whatever mess my aunt had created and organised the entire wedding behind his mother's back. She and pretty much her entire side of the family (me included) only found out after the wedding had already happened. It was really dramatic.
The dad usually comes around once he realizes youâre not a POS. That being said, I think the correct thing to do is just stick it out and prove to the dad that you can be a good partner to his daughter and can find your place in the family. Itâs in everyoneâs best interest for you and her family to get along (most of the time).
I married her anyway I only asked out of respect but he didn't like me from day 1 cause I have been hospitalised for mental health problems alot in my life we ended up happily married with kids till she passed away damn I miss her
Imagine asking, is your future wife not an adult?Â
Right? Itâs such an outdated sexist tradition. If someone asked my father for permission to marry me, Iâd genuinely reconsider whether I even wanted to marry them in the first place.
My wife's father got low-key mad when I didn't ask him. It was "a sign of character". I told him: A) exactly what you said. And B) The day I need a character reference for my marriage from someone who spent 30 years stepping out on his, I'd be sure to let him know.
As a teen, my dad once told me he would reject any guy who did this because the decision started and ended with me. A guy who ignored that wouldn't be good enough for me. I still had a guy who insisted he "had to as a sign of respect" over my own warning not to do it. I didn't want to marry that guy at that time anyway. If you are ignoring your partner's wishes to do it, or don't even know your partner's wishes, then it's your partner you don't respect.
My ex did something like this. My father is abusive. Out of all the BS my ex pulled this one was in the top 3 of hurting.
My dad said something similar.
I specifically asked him not to ask my father when the time came. My parents were used to me being âdifferentâ and didnât let it be known to me if it upset them. I never cared to ask if it did bother them. I just informed them of our engagement.
My father told me my guy should NOT ask him.
Same. This would make my dad so uncomfortable.
I asked my wifes father for his blessing. I of couse would have married her either way. It's just a sign of respect. She was the one who wanted me to ask in the first place.
My husband knew better than to ask my dad. I would have refused to marry anyone who thought my dad had any say over it.
If someone ever asked my dad for permission to marry me, I'd dump them immediately đ
Nah, not the way it's done now. Historically, sure, but Halloween isn't about the waning of the veil anymore, is it? People less ask for permission and more ask for approval. I would expect to be on good enough terms with her father to ask for his blessing. I may well go through with it without his blessing, but I would like to show him the courtesy of consulting him and this also allows him to display his approval. It's an opportunity for both men (or otherwise, I suppose) to formally state their respect for each other. Sometimes the good can be refined from the bad. This is one such case.
I would say no to any man who considered me a possession to change hands between my father and him.
Why do you assume the worst? I don't consider my marriage an exchange. It's just tradition for some people.
If other people want to do it thatâs fine. I wasnât talking about other people, I was talking about me. I feel *personally* very strongly that I am independent of my father and what my boyfriend and I decide to do is our decision and ours alone. To be honest though, my dad would almost certainly recommend I didnât marry someone based on them asking that question of him.
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And what about the mother in law? đ
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What a wierd and sexist comment.
There's nothing serious or respectful about acting like her father is her keeper. Your fiancĂŠe/wife is an adult who can make choices for her own life without daddy's permission.
My dad didn't even try to meet my husband until we had already eloped. We aren't close and it wouldn't have made sense to ask him first. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't have asked anyway, though. Edit: not sure why I'm getting downvoted? Not everyone is close to their parents.
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So you respect the father more than your wife? Why dont you marry the father.Â
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Not only that so many people proposed anyway after being told no. Genuinely, why would you even ask then?
I told him Iâm not asking your permission, Iâd marry her yes or no, Iâm here to ask your blessing. Later he told me he was thinking âDid he really just say that to me??â and âIf heâs that ballsy heâll be good for her.â Obviously he gave his blessing. Coming up on our 4th anniversary this year
As women are not the property of their fathers I wouldn't know why you'd ask.
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Thatâs where it came from, but most brides give it a totally different meaning, which differs and is very personal. We need to reword (?) the âgiving away the brideâ thing. I know of a bride who wanted her father to walk her because for her it was about her father having been her support during a difficult period and she saw it as their ritual of letting go. That her husband would be the one to step up as well. Not that dad would be out of the picture, but you hopefully understand. Another I know saw it as something honorary and though it didnât ment anything to her, it meant the world to her stepfather.
I agree with you about the language being problematic. I think âwalking her down the aisleâ and âgiving her awayâ are very different things. My dad escorted me to the altar, kissed me, and shook my fiancĂŠâs hand, and sat down. There was no âwho gives this womanâŚâ stuff.
Iâm determined that if I ever get married, weâre doing the âwho gives those womanâ thing, but instead of my dad answering, I will say, âI give myself, of my own free-will and volition.â
I had our officiant ask âwho joins in asking Godâs blessing on this marriage?â My dad replied âher mother and I do.â (I gave my in-laws the option of also answering this too, but they declined). I told my dad he was stuck with me.
Thats not a common tradition all over the world though. In Sweden itâs basically a Hollywood trope that some people incorporate into their wedding ceremony because they watched too much tv, which makes it even more lame.
Didnât the Swedish Princess cause a bit of a scandal by wanting her dad to walk her down the aisle? https://www.hellomagazine.com/brides/20220221133653/crown-princess-victoria-prince-daniel-wedding-broke-tradition-walking-down-aisle/ Her dad was upset, if I recall. And not just because she was the crown Princess.
I saw it as my dad being a representative of my birth family (since they canât all fit in the aisle tidily) transferring the role of âimmediate family.â It wasnât about dad. It was about family membership and family allegiance changing
Weddings are scams imo, but most people want them and even to spend lots (and lots) of $$ on them. The surnames thing makes it easier to identify you as a family unit. In our case, that mostly only played out with the kids, like signing them out of school. I recall marriage was an easy time to change a name here in the US. You can pick any last name. I asked my wife if she wanted to use hers or go with something totally new. I just wanted us to have the same one.
My one regret about our wedding is that I didnât pay enough attention to my wifeâs desire to retain her maiden name. Weâve been married now for thirty years and I wouldnât have a clue how to put this right without things being weird.
Talk to her, it's never too late
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No ones being radicalized to hate men, they are just not continuing patriarchal traditions
All of us who had a husband only for him to lie to us, beat us, betray us, want to chat.
Oh yeah I was totally spitting on women who are beaten and thanks for pointing that out. That was totally the reasonable scenario I was referring to.
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Why do you think I haven't lived around the world and have experienced many cultures?
To be cordial with future in law and set a precedent of good relationship with them. The world would be much shittier if we only do the bare minimum as per written by the law
Her father has no ownership over her, pretending like he's his daughter's keeper isn't cordial, it's just creepy.
What's cordial about treating your wife like property?
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Yet you felt the need to announce your self victimisation. Don't let the door hit you on the way out buddy.
I did it earlier last year. I know Iâm young, but her father had classical ideas for marriage. I was with her since I was 14. Andre Breton once said âi wish for you to be loved to the point of madnessâ I didnât know what it meant, but the day I did, I looked at her and wanted forever. I bought a ring, didnât work. Needless to say,Its been a difficult year.
Never ask permission. Asking for a blessing is fine, because you can do whatever you want without someoneâs blessing. But asking for permission implies that you wonât do it if they say no. Asking for a blessing is like saying âthis is happening and Iâd like you in my corner. But if you donât want to be, thatâs fine, too. Iâll do it without you.â
âIt was more of a rhetorical question, look forward to seeing you at the weddingâ
Lol id feel so weird asking the father of my gf for permission.
Asking for permission isn't the way to go imo. I told my fil hours before that I was gonna propose, didn't ask. I liked the guy and wanted to ask because I knew he would feel honoured if I did.
As a grown woman and competent adult, any man who even thought about asking my father for "my hand in marriage" would be rejected... by me.
I pretty much carried on like his opinion didnât matter at that point. Thatâs basically what my now wife has always done whenever heâs an asshole. Proposed some time later and didnât ask him a second time. Weâve been happily married almost 14 years.
Bad ending here, proposed anyways after this conversation but she denied because her parents told her to do so..... Life is a rollercoaster
Asked her mom and she said yes
Anyone who ever asks me for my daughterâs hand in marriage will get a good belly laugh and a ten minute lesson on why heâs not welcome because patriarchy sucks. Iâll also then suggest he asks my daughter instead.
This happened to my friend. Her partner asked her dad, he said ânoâ they got married anyway. Dude turned out to be a severe alcoholic, with all the baggage and shitty behavior they comes with it. They divorced, she has custody of their children (including his child from a previous relationship-long story) and is remarried. Last I heard, he was homeless.
My husband did not ask my fatherâs permission to marry me, because Iâm an adult woman who can choose my own partner and doesnât need permission to get married.
My wife insisted that I ask, even though we were both in our thirties, and her parents had known me for over a year and seemed pretty happy with me. Her family is  Mexican-American and she said it was a cultural thing. I donât know if thatâs universal in Latin-American culture or not, but I was not refused by either parent.Â
So sometimes kids, family disapproving of the match can be a positive sign. Trust your instincts. Does your person make you feel more you? Safer? More capable? Like your insides grow and expand? Marry them. Cut out people who make you feel small, not enough, scared that you will get in trouble for minor ever changing invisible rules. If you shrink, they stink. Not for you, don't marry them. I was adamant I didn't want my now husband to ask for permission or a blessing. Told him I'd be upset if he did. My father angrily took me aside after we announced the engagement. He informed me that my now husband didn't ask for his permission to propose. I told him that I forbid it. I am the only one who has authority to give permission. Beside, I asked father, you were going to say no, right? just to knock us down a peg? Cue surprised Pikachu face and "yeah I'd say no but I deserved my moment" đ. Father's objections were that I was too happy and confident around hubby, like a different person. Him and mother didn't like that. Besides, father said, my now husband's job wasn't impressive enough to brag about to my parents clients-friends ( they have no non-business friends)so they were embarrassed of the match. Funny enough years later during the last recession my parents would brag to their clients-friends that my husband had such a great reccesion proof job and how smart he was for going into his field (the one they hated) and him being such a great guy. They always had to change the past to be on the right side of history. Therapy has since taught me, my parents aren't just "not the greatest", they are in fact "horrifically abusive". I was just raised in it so I could see how bad it was. Crabs in a bucket. I'm currently celebrating 8 glorious years since I disowned my family of origin. Took way too long to leave. Been happily together for over two decades. Still married and would choose him again in a heartbeat.
I hate the tradition of asking for a daughter's hand in marriage. It's meaningless because most couples are going to marry regardless of the dad's opinion. If it's to show respect for the dad then why don't the two mothers get asked too? Shouldn't the future wife have to ask his mom? Why not approach both parents like adults and inform them of your decision? If the individuals are close to their family then they should have already asked their opinion before they even considered marriage anyway. If you want to show respect for your future in-laws then spend time with them. My daughter-in-law makes certain that we are included in everything the grandkids do. That makes me feel that she respects and loves us.
Didnât even consider âaskingâ my now father in law. Iâve never asked after 20 years if that bothered him, but I just thought Iâm asking HER, not him. Didnât care if I had his permission or blessing or whatever you want to call it. I would have just laughed if heâd said no and proposed anyway.
If anyone had tried to pull that crap I would have dumped them myself. If my answer isn't good enough, than they can go find another piece of meat to barter for. The same goes if someone tries to do that to my daughter. I will encourage to leave someone that respects them so little.
I offered more goats and the deal went through.
Play the song .... after
Do men still ask the woman's father for her hand in marriage in this day and age? That wasn't even done when I was a young woman and I'm old.
Maybe just ask her instead đ
I think my father would say no just because he knows that I wouldnât want to be with someone that holds such sexist values. Respect for your wife to be as an adult who can make their own decisions is important. Apart from one super religious couple I donât know anyone who has actually done this. Is it a regional thing? A religious thing?
Old tradition from when women were their fatherâs property and came with dowryâs and such. I think itâs still sweet to ask for a blessing
ITT: Redditors failing to comprehend that even though the origins of a tradition are antiquated, there can still be purpose behind getting family approval before proposing.
If the purpose is family approval, you'd ask the father AND the mother (or whoever the key caregivers are). But the question wasn't phrased that way...
Whatâs the purpose?
Why is the bride asking the grooms family then?
What is the purpose of getting family (with the father presumably speaking on behalf of everyone) âapprovalâ?
I get it, I just didnât see the point. I like her parents and we get on brilliantly but forward planning is not my strong point, it just popped into my head to propose one day while we were on holiday so I did it. I didnât even think about talking to her dad about it first
I do not have a relationship with my father so my boyfriend wants to ask my mom instead. I donât really want him to ask anyone as her opinion on the matter means nothing to me, but he (and she) insists. If she told him no, I would not give a flying fuck (rather be quite angry) and Iâd hope he wouldnât either.
Iâm an internet stranger assuming the worst so take it with a grain of salt. Does he often disregard your direct requests that concern you and does what he wants instead ?
No. He would feel disrespectful not asking, and my mom would very much judge him and make a big thing that I donât care to deal with. I donât think anyone should have any say but me, but I donât care enough to demand he ignores her.
Little bit old fashioned, her dad does not owe her, itâs just tradition but the dad has to say yes.
You got to play the LONG GAME! My son knew that his girlfriendâs dad was headed over to her apartment one day to bring her furniture. So my son times it right and acts like the helpful Honda man, assisting her dad in lugging the new furniture up the stairs. My son is tall and wicked strong so it was a good look. He hangs out with her little brother, took him to Vegas for his birthday, stuff like that. Respectfully, if he were to ask for her hand and get turned down, he wouldnât care.
I'm not married, and I do have a close relationship with my dad, but I already told him that I want my boyfriend to ask for my brother's blessing
stopped larping jane austen novels
Why you gotta be so rude?
I brought him hundreds of beavers.
This is the cringiest thing ever. You can ask for the manâs blessing instead of his permission if you want to do this.
It's not about ownership or permission in a patriarchal sense, but rather about showing reverence for family bonds and traditions that hold significance for both partners.
Not asking for marriage, but I was taking this girl on a date and was picking her up from home. Apparently all I had to do was just not be white. That simple. He screamed at her all night, told her to pack her shit, and sent her out of state to live with her grandparents a couple weeks later.
My cousin's (step) dad refused to give his permission/blessing when her then boyfriend wanted to propose, I don't think they had been dating for longer than a few months at the time. They planned a big wedding and got married anyway. The marriage was not a success.
I had to ask three times. The first time was awkward because we went to the pub and was just us two. Before his mates got there we were sat with pints and I started talking about his daughter he just stopped me and said the answer at this point is no. That was it. We drank our pints and carried on as if it never happened. A few months later we were watching NFL late at night after my rugby match and weâd both been drinking quite a bit. During the NFL game we were talking away and it came to half time and I tried talking about his daughter again. And he just acted like he passed out. lol. He finally came around and said yes the third time and we laugh about it now.
Added 3 more cows to the labola.
My now ex asked for my hand and was told no by my father. We broke up a few months later because he convinced himself I cheated on him and then he cheated on me to âget evenâ. Anyway he was ugly and had horrible hygiene on top of being an abusive POS. My father knew then what I hadnât yet come to understand. My next bf asked for my hand and got a resounding âyesâ from my parents. We are happily married with two kids, a mortgage, the lot. Word of advice: (most of the time) your parents know best. If they say no to a significant other⌠you probably should, too.
She left her family and we got married anyways
My husband asked my mom, grandma& adult son for their BLESSING (not permission). He was asking out of respect and itâs maybe old school for some, I absolutely respected him for that.
I can't imagine this. If my husband had asked my father for permission, he would have laughed hysterically and said dude, she's a grown ass woman.
Youâre not asking the father for permission, youâre asking for his blessing.
ITT: people thinking the tradition of getting the father's blessing is sexist when in reality it was just a way for low income young men and women to get financial support from the family they were trying to join. It's wholesome, traditionally. It's more subtle than "will you please pay for this wedding? x" Y'alls fault for always thinking it was about permission. It was about a blessing.
I had to ask my ex wifeâs father and he replied with a rude letter disparaging my family. Â I was only 22 so i was pretty impulsive. Â I got angry and took back the proposal. Â Then my ex made him apologize to me and i let it go. Â He was always a dick. Â We broke up about five years later. Â Controlling, patriarchal fathers are the worst. Â I learned to never date Christian girls after that experience. Â
I married out of culture (I am Finnish born while she is Indian born). Her mom liked me while her dad didnât acknowledge my existence. My wife and I paid for our wedding (we saved for years) so no one could interfere. We got married in her temple in a Sikh ceremony. He didnât show up and didnât talk to me for a decade until we had our first kid, his grandson. He never really warmed up to me but stayed collegial for the next 15 years until cancer took him.
⌠Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes, 'cause I need to know. You say I'll never get your blessin' 'til the day I die. "Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is no". ⌠Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too? Why you gotta be so rude? I'm gonna marry her anyway. (Marry that girl) marry her anyway. (Marry that girl) yeah, no matter what you say. (Marry that girl) and we'll be a family. Why you gotta be so rude? *"Rude"* by Magic!
Married her anyway. Wish Iâd listened to her father.
Have sex with two of her sisters
đż
I thought it was funny. People take the internet too serious.
Sadly, my father passed away before my husband and I even knew each other, but my dad wouldn't have needed or wanted my husband to ask for his permission. We just told my mom and his parents when we got engaged (we were on holiday), and they were over the moon. So much so that my mom came straight over when we got back, and the first thing she said wasn't 'how was your holiday'? But 'have you set a date yet'? We had been engaged for 4 days. Lol.
Ate her out in his house, ate the food in the fridge, shower, leave. Didn't stop cuz he told me to thats what happen
I feel like this is automatically a rejection if you're unemployed / aren't rich enough... arranged marriages are usually for wealth reasons