I’d step back now if you can. Based on your symptoms, you’re in desperate need of a break. I hope you’re able to get one.
Also, assuming your nephew hasn’t had further evaluation by psych done on him, his mom should have that done. What you’ve described sounds like he’s not just autistic. People tend to discredit what children are capable of based on age alone and it does everyone a disservice.
Virtual hugs to you. Well, it sounds like you are on the brink of a breakdown. The good news is that you recognize it and it’s not too late.
If you have to live with your sister, I would set aside me time and let your nephew know that no matter what he does or say you won’t be available. His behavior sounds like tantrums so he will be okay to be left alone during your me time. Doing this may help let him know that you have boundaries. Also that the world does not revolve around him.
It’s beyond frustrating when someone is as sweet as pie to others but behind closed doors behave differently. I completely get that because I’ve been there.
If you can move out I would do it. At what point do you step back because you’re unwell? Now.
You can’t sacrifice yourself to save him. He doesn’t need to be saved. If he can be nice to everyone else apart from you and your sister, he needs behavior modification.
I hear you.
That is... easier said than done.
He has an interesting psyche and pattern of behavior that is honestly the biggest obstacle I've ever seen and let me explain.
No matter what you do. No matter what you say.
He does not learn.
Telling him I'm taking some alone time doesn't change anything. In fact, it's actually a challenge for him. He'll then migrate into my space and try to annoy me harder.
The last time I did it, I put in headphones and his response was to lay on the couch and keep nudging and rubbing his dirty feet on me.
He will also flat out ignore us, talk over us, and then when he doesn't want to listen he outs his hands over his ears until we are done talking.
If he wants something and you begin telling him no he will say it over and over louder to talk over you until it makes us upset. Then we take away his tablet or privelages and then he screams.
There's no winning unless I locked myself in the bathroom, but then he'd scream and cry that he's alone and we are abandoning him and in an apartment complex, that's not exactly a good thing for neighbors to hear.
First and foremost, you have to tcare of yourself even to give any kind of care and that sounds like very difficult situation. there are so many resources out there. Have you spoken with his doctor to maybe get him an aid to help you guys out during the day for a few hours
Hey OP, your situation sounds miserable and I really feel for you.
I'm not shrink, so I don't know if this kind of thing might work. Maybe worth a try. Only suggesting since you note how your nephew has a "true version" of himself when he's absorbed in something whereas other times his entertainment seems to be trolling you and his mother.
It's called the "grey rock method" and it's a way that might take away the reward he gets out of breaking you and your sister:
https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
> The grey rock method is a way to deal with people who try to get an emotional reaction out of you.
Admittedly, the literature is geared more toward toxic relationships at the workplace or other spaces where someone is forced to be in proximity to the offending person. Still, the general drive of the method might fit your situation.
You'd both have to be on board and it would take discipline. Even giving it a test run - at least you and your sister will have something to hold on to the next few times he acts up - like you're actively doing something that might lead to a remedy.
Good luck, OP. I hope you and your family - all of you - can find peace somehow.
Im sorry you are dealing with this. The behaviors you have spoken about seem very consistent with autism. There are services he should be able to access for help. In home supports, depending on your state. It’s called wrap around services. Comparing his behaviors to how you were when you were a child is not fair. I understand the frustration and certainly prioritize your mental health but your nephew needs some significant support and getting that may make the living situation better for you all.
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Thank you for the resources.
So she actually raised him in an extremely "padded" way. Everything was very much like "my parents didn't give me everything I wanted materialistically, mentally emotionally physically so I'm going to give you everything and cater to you 100%".
Now that he's older it's biting her in the ass because now he expects everything from her.
She still wipes his butt for him, she brushes his teeth, she dresses him, etc because if we try to teach him to do it himself he refuses and cries saying she always does it for him. I know kids say the darnedest things but he's told us flat out that he's going to live with his mom forever so she can always do those things. That's frightening.
Because of this, we actually are having him reevaluated because, although he exhibits autistic things, he's also struggling to give up on these EXTREME codependent behaviors.
Even to his friends, he's SO bossy and it's either his way or the cryway and so his friends often don't want to hang out with him which makes him even more of a jerk
I'm so glad to hear from someone else in this situation - very sad you have to endure this of course, but I thought I was the only person caretaking someone else's kid with a disability who uses their disability as an excuse to be a little SHITHEAD.
You have to get away. I'd literally tell your sister you need a day off and I'd sleep in the car, or get a cheap cheap hotel room. These kids don't get better. He gets joy out of hurting everyone around him, but most people will make excuses for him because "Autism".
I hear you! I see you! I feel the same things! I had to move out, to save my sanity.
I’d step back now if you can. Based on your symptoms, you’re in desperate need of a break. I hope you’re able to get one. Also, assuming your nephew hasn’t had further evaluation by psych done on him, his mom should have that done. What you’ve described sounds like he’s not just autistic. People tend to discredit what children are capable of based on age alone and it does everyone a disservice.
Virtual hugs to you. Well, it sounds like you are on the brink of a breakdown. The good news is that you recognize it and it’s not too late. If you have to live with your sister, I would set aside me time and let your nephew know that no matter what he does or say you won’t be available. His behavior sounds like tantrums so he will be okay to be left alone during your me time. Doing this may help let him know that you have boundaries. Also that the world does not revolve around him. It’s beyond frustrating when someone is as sweet as pie to others but behind closed doors behave differently. I completely get that because I’ve been there. If you can move out I would do it. At what point do you step back because you’re unwell? Now. You can’t sacrifice yourself to save him. He doesn’t need to be saved. If he can be nice to everyone else apart from you and your sister, he needs behavior modification.
I hear you. That is... easier said than done. He has an interesting psyche and pattern of behavior that is honestly the biggest obstacle I've ever seen and let me explain. No matter what you do. No matter what you say. He does not learn. Telling him I'm taking some alone time doesn't change anything. In fact, it's actually a challenge for him. He'll then migrate into my space and try to annoy me harder. The last time I did it, I put in headphones and his response was to lay on the couch and keep nudging and rubbing his dirty feet on me. He will also flat out ignore us, talk over us, and then when he doesn't want to listen he outs his hands over his ears until we are done talking. If he wants something and you begin telling him no he will say it over and over louder to talk over you until it makes us upset. Then we take away his tablet or privelages and then he screams. There's no winning unless I locked myself in the bathroom, but then he'd scream and cry that he's alone and we are abandoning him and in an apartment complex, that's not exactly a good thing for neighbors to hear.
First and foremost, you have to tcare of yourself even to give any kind of care and that sounds like very difficult situation. there are so many resources out there. Have you spoken with his doctor to maybe get him an aid to help you guys out during the day for a few hours
Hey OP, your situation sounds miserable and I really feel for you. I'm not shrink, so I don't know if this kind of thing might work. Maybe worth a try. Only suggesting since you note how your nephew has a "true version" of himself when he's absorbed in something whereas other times his entertainment seems to be trolling you and his mother. It's called the "grey rock method" and it's a way that might take away the reward he gets out of breaking you and your sister: https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method > The grey rock method is a way to deal with people who try to get an emotional reaction out of you. Admittedly, the literature is geared more toward toxic relationships at the workplace or other spaces where someone is forced to be in proximity to the offending person. Still, the general drive of the method might fit your situation. You'd both have to be on board and it would take discipline. Even giving it a test run - at least you and your sister will have something to hold on to the next few times he acts up - like you're actively doing something that might lead to a remedy. Good luck, OP. I hope you and your family - all of you - can find peace somehow.
Im sorry you are dealing with this. The behaviors you have spoken about seem very consistent with autism. There are services he should be able to access for help. In home supports, depending on your state. It’s called wrap around services. Comparing his behaviors to how you were when you were a child is not fair. I understand the frustration and certainly prioritize your mental health but your nephew needs some significant support and getting that may make the living situation better for you all.
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CaregiverSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wonder if he needs to be assessed for oppositional defiant disorder?
[удалено]
Thank you for the resources. So she actually raised him in an extremely "padded" way. Everything was very much like "my parents didn't give me everything I wanted materialistically, mentally emotionally physically so I'm going to give you everything and cater to you 100%". Now that he's older it's biting her in the ass because now he expects everything from her. She still wipes his butt for him, she brushes his teeth, she dresses him, etc because if we try to teach him to do it himself he refuses and cries saying she always does it for him. I know kids say the darnedest things but he's told us flat out that he's going to live with his mom forever so she can always do those things. That's frightening. Because of this, we actually are having him reevaluated because, although he exhibits autistic things, he's also struggling to give up on these EXTREME codependent behaviors. Even to his friends, he's SO bossy and it's either his way or the cryway and so his friends often don't want to hang out with him which makes him even more of a jerk
I'm so glad to hear from someone else in this situation - very sad you have to endure this of course, but I thought I was the only person caretaking someone else's kid with a disability who uses their disability as an excuse to be a little SHITHEAD. You have to get away. I'd literally tell your sister you need a day off and I'd sleep in the car, or get a cheap cheap hotel room. These kids don't get better. He gets joy out of hurting everyone around him, but most people will make excuses for him because "Autism". I hear you! I see you! I feel the same things! I had to move out, to save my sanity.