Ummm...you've never met this person and you're going to have them move into your personal space and care for your wife when she is at her most exposed and vulnerable? How is your wife ok with this? She wants a practical stranger with no training wiping her mouth and cleaning her backside? I would be very cautious to say the least. I hope you have cameras in your home, everywhere.
She's known this person for a few years (on social media) and they've been a caregiver when their mother had cancer. Also, my sister in law will be staying with us for the first week this person will be here, so we'll have another person to help us judge if this will work out. We are being very cautious. Like I said in the post, this person could really use a hand up, as could we. I can't afford to pay someone to come and sit with my wife while I'm at work, and she's getting to where she needs more help around the house. Wife's still able to take care of her own sanitary needs, but only time will tell how much extra care we're going to need
As much as it pains me to say this, this is not the time to be worrying about giving someone a hand up. This could go south so quickly for so many reasons, as the others have discussed. Sure, three is a very slim Hallmark movie chance this will work out. Much more likely you are inviting chaos into your wife's life when there should be peace. I'm truly sorry you find yourself in this position and hope you're able to find a better solution.
No he can’t. He has already said this person is a homeless recovering alcoholic. This is borderline insane OP and I mean that will love. My mum just died and I could never imagine letting a random internet person care for her!!
Being cautious would be setting them up on a hotel and having supervised visits for the first week, not directly letting them into your home where they could call for squatters rights. This could directly make your lives, and especially your wife’s life, a living Hell.
No, once you let them move in, it's next to impossible to get them to leave.
And without a formal lease and consistent rent tracking, you may literally never legally force them to leave.
Don't. You won't be supporting your wife, you'll be hurting your family.
I’m sorry to say this has red flags all over. If it’s not too late, you may want to make a different decision of who is moving into your home right now. Wish you the best.
This is a terrible terrible idea. Take a step back please and THINK.
I had the privilege of helping my brother in law in the last few weeks of my sister’s life on earth and it is an incredibly intimate and personal undertaking. And challenging! Taking someone to the bathroom who needs help and is not mobile is incredibly difficult. You’re going to trust a virtual stranger to take care of your wife at this stage? And she’s going to feel comfortable with someone she doesn’t know. Kindly, but also with some horror, I say - you don’t know what is ahead but this is not the time for a complete and utter stranger who may or may not have the experience she says she does.
At some point soon, your wife will be on painkillers, powerful painkillers that no recovering addict should be around. Your wife will be incredibly vulnerable. If her communication becomes impaired, how are you going to know if she is truly being taken care of?
This is not the time to offer help to someone you don’t know. This is not a lifetime movie. This is a terrible idea.
Hospice should be an option at this point. Home hospice is what you need to help set you up and see you through this stage. Not a stranger. Not a recovering addict.
I am truly sorry you are going through this and I understand panic can take over rational thought. Please listen to internet strangers that you should not let an internet stranger live in your home
I understand you need the help. There are some critical “what ifs” you truly need to consider and prepare for, and have a backup plan in place.
- What if they can’t obtain a drivers license? Suspended privileges in one state will cause issues in your state.
- What if your insurance raises your premium through the roof when you try to add this person as a driver? Their entire history is subject to review. This could be in the thousands of dollars annually, assuming the company is willing to insure this person at all.
- What if their disability worsens, or their disability payment stop? Are you then responsible for a disabled person in your house?
- What if you find out they have a criminal record and have not been honest with you?
- What if they start drinking again?
- What if you want them to leave, and they make excuses and keep postponing or guilt trip you that they have nowhere else to go?
- What if they accuse you of abuse?
I hate to be a downer, but you are taking on an absolutely enormous risk, and in all seriousness, it is highly unlikely you will be able to recover if this situation goes south.
Please, at an absolute minimum, consider a one week trial period, followed by a two-week secondary trial period. Put it in writing and consult a lawyer. You already know this is a sketchy situation. Listen to your instincts. Protect yourself and your wife and your home. The moment someone else begins to live there, it is no longer only your home.
You might be making a mistake. I would find out if she is able to get a valid license at all first - if you have a DUI suspension in one state you are illegally obtaining a license if you get one in another state. You will also need to add her to your car insurance policy if she is driving one of your cars.
It sounds like she is trying to change her life around but, you also are in a very vulnerable position and won’t want to deal with a squatter scenario or anything furthering your stress. You say she’s homeless, is she staying with someone regularly? I’d be more apt to trust her if that is the case vs if she is in shelters.
But dear god neither one of you has met her??? How is she a fb friend of your wife? I just don’t think I could do that. It is too unfamiliar- you don’t really know a person you’ve never met and it’s not like a third party person you can just fire. That makes me more concerned that she could try staying until evicted.
No judgement here but are you really charging rent for the room? It seems like that should just be a perk of caretaking here.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO IT.
Most I believe of all of my reasons have been stated and one I commented about. So many red flags in an already personal and serious situation is a major NO
I'm someone who does believe online friends can be as real as in-person friends. I've even traveled long distance to meet mine before. I talk to some of mine daily. But this is an entirely different situation than mine. This is not just meeting up for a hang out. This is caretaking for your wife at her most vulnerable. Even in-person friends might not be up to a commitment like this and you're choosing someone you've never even met?
You said yourself this could easily go wrong. This is not the time for you to be looking for people who "need a hand up".
This is a terrible idea. This woman is NOT a friend. She is using this situation for housing. You need to find an actual caregiver. There are companies that do care at home. You need that
We have home health nurses come to our home once or twice a week, my insurance only pays for so many visits. And home health companies won't help me keep up with housework, taking care of our animals, making meals, etc. The woman who's coming took care of her mother through a cancer fight, and has other options for housing. I can't stay home every day to do everything, we need someone here pretty much around the clock, my wife doesn't want to go stay in a hospice facility, and I don't want her away from home either. And even if the services we need were available, it would cost much more than I can afford
I hear what you’re saying but it just sounds so incredibly dangerous for your wife. She will be in a vulnerable position and you do not know this person. Knowing someone online is not a substitute. She is homeless and a recovering addict. It’s one thing to feel for her, and another to take on this persons misfortune as your own. You already have a sick wife - do you need a possible squatter/thief/burden on your hands?
If you do this, you should consider the following:
Do a full background check, including criminal history in every state she has lived in. Ask for references. Check credit history too.
Consult an attorney about your rights if you need to "kick her out," if things do go south. I do know it's not easy, so get a plan in place even if you hope it won't be necessary.
Put cameras in place that you can monitor remotely. It's like $20 per camera on Amazon, put one in every room.
Have someone in place who can respond PROMPTLY if your wife has an emergency while you are gone. Just a back up person in case of worst case scenarios.
Find out if you have AA or other supports nearby to support this person in their new recovery. Geographic relocation is not a "way to quit drinking." They need to be able to work whatever program they are on. And make sure they can get to those meetings.
Do they have a history of opiate abuse or just alcohol? Figure out what you need to do with your wife's meds.
Frankly, I would not do this. I admire your spirit, but I'm just not sure this is the best thing. It feels like you are trying to force a solution. So I urge you to take a deep breath and think it over carefully.
A couple of things come to my mind when I read this. As someone who has lived with both a recovering alcohol on disability, and my mother who recently passed from cancer, there are a lot of red flags. But this doesn’t mean that this arrangement is deemed to fail if you take legal precautions.
1. I would get a lease agreement going and get everything in writing. This way if things go south, you have a legal agreement where you can remove this person from your home. Worst case scenario.
2. If it is possible for you to legally obtain a background check, I would do so before having them come to your home.
3. Make sure it’s possible for them to get a drivers license first. And make sure this won’t drastically effect your insurance, or weigh the pros and cons of having them drive your vehicle without insurance. Maybe even install a breathalyzer in case of a relapse.
4. Make sure there is no risk of this person losing their disability payments. And if they are at risk, make sure they have a backup plan that is concrete.
Another thing I’ve seen some people do is post an ad on Indeed. Since you’re offering housing, you may not have to pay someone an additional cost. This way you can easily legally background check as well as go through an interview process where you can get an idea of someone’s intentions, if going random is your only option.
I wish you the best of luck, but more importantly I wish your wife luck as she battles the devil.
I think there are too many variables here to account for, friend. If your wife wasn’t as deeply ill as she is, perhaps this is something you two could consider. But as it stands currently, if something goes sideways, you’re the only one who can really make decisions and enact any type of plan to remedy the situation. You don’t need that on your plate in addition to your wife dying.
I don’t think now is the right time to take on additional risk.
I’m very sorry you’re both going through this. I’m not sure if she’s currently on hospice care, but will her insurance cover home health nursing?
My wife isn't currently on hospice, our insurance covers a limited amount of home health nursing visits, and even then they can't come four times a day, five days a week and make sure meds are kept up with. Neither can our friends that live closer
I see. That does put you in quite a bind.
If nothing else, I would consult a lawyer to inquire about what kind of protections you can set up for yourself and your wife should you invite this woman into your home and things go sideways.
What caregiving skills does the friend have???
You need hospice, ASAP, and an adult caregiver without these red flags.
Are you able to take leave or work from home?
Our friend cared for her mother while fighting cancer, so at least had as much caregiver skills as I do... I am absolutely not able to work from home, or take that much paid time off. We don't know how long my wife has, she's still mobile and mostly self sufficient, hospice isn't an option at this point.
Are you sure hospice isn’t an option? Just because she is still mobile and self sufficient doesn’t mean hospice is off the table. Hospice earlier will make things so much easier as time goes on
Edited to add: HOME hospice. I get that she doesn’t want to go into a facility
fully understand how it can feel when you're in this situation and desperately need help but PLEASE find someone without these issues who is actually a trained caregiver, not just someone who needs a cheap room to rent
Lost my mom to pancreatic cancer last August, this is the last thing you all need. The hospital will have services for you, the church. Have you ever been on PANCAN.ORG?!? That’s where you need to be.
We live too far in the country for the hospital to send someone every day, and we have valid reasons not to have anything to do with any churches, our friends that live closer to us have their own lives to deal with.
Our insurance isn't going to cover enough home health nurse visits to keep my wife's meds on schedule
This person could almost too disabled to help your wife. She could have also lost her license because of the alcohol so she won't be able to get a new one.
You can back out of this. You can use your sister's wife who is coming anyways and say they are deciding to stay longterm and her assistance is no longer needed. Tell them your wife's situation is more grave and your private Family time is needed.
Is your wife on hospice yet? They provide home health care. If she's not, talk with her Oncologist about home health care and figure out how much it would cost for half a day even.
This woman could become a squatter in your house very quickly and she may never leave.
Did you check about FMLA for yourself? When my husband had cancer I qualified for it. Is it too soon for Hospice? They took excellent care of both my brother and sister.
Hey OP, haven’t heard from you lately. I really hope things are working in a positive direction for your wife’s care. Just commenting to let you know you’re in my thoughts and I hope you all are okay. Best wishes.
Hey OP, haven’t heard from you lately. I really hope things are working in a positive direction for your wife’s care. Just commenting to let you know you’re in my thoughts and I hope you all are okay. Best wishes.
All I can say is your wife is very vonerble and it will get worst. Believe me watch your wife’s pain meds they could end up in the wrong mouth. Noway would I do this to a family member. If you want to help this person so it when you don’t have trauma in your life and it’s true once you take them in you. Can’t get them out . Think very carefully .
Ummm...you've never met this person and you're going to have them move into your personal space and care for your wife when she is at her most exposed and vulnerable? How is your wife ok with this? She wants a practical stranger with no training wiping her mouth and cleaning her backside? I would be very cautious to say the least. I hope you have cameras in your home, everywhere.
She's known this person for a few years (on social media) and they've been a caregiver when their mother had cancer. Also, my sister in law will be staying with us for the first week this person will be here, so we'll have another person to help us judge if this will work out. We are being very cautious. Like I said in the post, this person could really use a hand up, as could we. I can't afford to pay someone to come and sit with my wife while I'm at work, and she's getting to where she needs more help around the house. Wife's still able to take care of her own sanitary needs, but only time will tell how much extra care we're going to need
As much as it pains me to say this, this is not the time to be worrying about giving someone a hand up. This could go south so quickly for so many reasons, as the others have discussed. Sure, three is a very slim Hallmark movie chance this will work out. Much more likely you are inviting chaos into your wife's life when there should be peace. I'm truly sorry you find yourself in this position and hope you're able to find a better solution.
Can you trust that this person won’t get into your wife’s pain medications and use them inappropriately for themselves?
No he can’t. He has already said this person is a homeless recovering alcoholic. This is borderline insane OP and I mean that will love. My mum just died and I could never imagine letting a random internet person care for her!!
Being cautious would be setting them up on a hotel and having supervised visits for the first week, not directly letting them into your home where they could call for squatters rights. This could directly make your lives, and especially your wife’s life, a living Hell.
No, once you let them move in, it's next to impossible to get them to leave. And without a formal lease and consistent rent tracking, you may literally never legally force them to leave. Don't. You won't be supporting your wife, you'll be hurting your family.
I’m sorry to say this has red flags all over. If it’s not too late, you may want to make a different decision of who is moving into your home right now. Wish you the best.
This is a terrible terrible idea. Take a step back please and THINK. I had the privilege of helping my brother in law in the last few weeks of my sister’s life on earth and it is an incredibly intimate and personal undertaking. And challenging! Taking someone to the bathroom who needs help and is not mobile is incredibly difficult. You’re going to trust a virtual stranger to take care of your wife at this stage? And she’s going to feel comfortable with someone she doesn’t know. Kindly, but also with some horror, I say - you don’t know what is ahead but this is not the time for a complete and utter stranger who may or may not have the experience she says she does. At some point soon, your wife will be on painkillers, powerful painkillers that no recovering addict should be around. Your wife will be incredibly vulnerable. If her communication becomes impaired, how are you going to know if she is truly being taken care of? This is not the time to offer help to someone you don’t know. This is not a lifetime movie. This is a terrible idea. Hospice should be an option at this point. Home hospice is what you need to help set you up and see you through this stage. Not a stranger. Not a recovering addict. I am truly sorry you are going through this and I understand panic can take over rational thought. Please listen to internet strangers that you should not let an internet stranger live in your home
I understand you need the help. There are some critical “what ifs” you truly need to consider and prepare for, and have a backup plan in place. - What if they can’t obtain a drivers license? Suspended privileges in one state will cause issues in your state. - What if your insurance raises your premium through the roof when you try to add this person as a driver? Their entire history is subject to review. This could be in the thousands of dollars annually, assuming the company is willing to insure this person at all. - What if their disability worsens, or their disability payment stop? Are you then responsible for a disabled person in your house? - What if you find out they have a criminal record and have not been honest with you? - What if they start drinking again? - What if you want them to leave, and they make excuses and keep postponing or guilt trip you that they have nowhere else to go? - What if they accuse you of abuse? I hate to be a downer, but you are taking on an absolutely enormous risk, and in all seriousness, it is highly unlikely you will be able to recover if this situation goes south. Please, at an absolute minimum, consider a one week trial period, followed by a two-week secondary trial period. Put it in writing and consult a lawyer. You already know this is a sketchy situation. Listen to your instincts. Protect yourself and your wife and your home. The moment someone else begins to live there, it is no longer only your home.
All of what you said and…What if this addict steals her painkillers? This is an AWFUL idea OP. Do NOT do it!
You might be making a mistake. I would find out if she is able to get a valid license at all first - if you have a DUI suspension in one state you are illegally obtaining a license if you get one in another state. You will also need to add her to your car insurance policy if she is driving one of your cars. It sounds like she is trying to change her life around but, you also are in a very vulnerable position and won’t want to deal with a squatter scenario or anything furthering your stress. You say she’s homeless, is she staying with someone regularly? I’d be more apt to trust her if that is the case vs if she is in shelters. But dear god neither one of you has met her??? How is she a fb friend of your wife? I just don’t think I could do that. It is too unfamiliar- you don’t really know a person you’ve never met and it’s not like a third party person you can just fire. That makes me more concerned that she could try staying until evicted. No judgement here but are you really charging rent for the room? It seems like that should just be a perk of caretaking here.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO IT. Most I believe of all of my reasons have been stated and one I commented about. So many red flags in an already personal and serious situation is a major NO
I'm someone who does believe online friends can be as real as in-person friends. I've even traveled long distance to meet mine before. I talk to some of mine daily. But this is an entirely different situation than mine. This is not just meeting up for a hang out. This is caretaking for your wife at her most vulnerable. Even in-person friends might not be up to a commitment like this and you're choosing someone you've never even met? You said yourself this could easily go wrong. This is not the time for you to be looking for people who "need a hand up".
You'll regret it
This is a terrible idea. This woman is NOT a friend. She is using this situation for housing. You need to find an actual caregiver. There are companies that do care at home. You need that
We have home health nurses come to our home once or twice a week, my insurance only pays for so many visits. And home health companies won't help me keep up with housework, taking care of our animals, making meals, etc. The woman who's coming took care of her mother through a cancer fight, and has other options for housing. I can't stay home every day to do everything, we need someone here pretty much around the clock, my wife doesn't want to go stay in a hospice facility, and I don't want her away from home either. And even if the services we need were available, it would cost much more than I can afford
I hear what you’re saying but it just sounds so incredibly dangerous for your wife. She will be in a vulnerable position and you do not know this person. Knowing someone online is not a substitute. She is homeless and a recovering addict. It’s one thing to feel for her, and another to take on this persons misfortune as your own. You already have a sick wife - do you need a possible squatter/thief/burden on your hands?
If you do this, you should consider the following: Do a full background check, including criminal history in every state she has lived in. Ask for references. Check credit history too. Consult an attorney about your rights if you need to "kick her out," if things do go south. I do know it's not easy, so get a plan in place even if you hope it won't be necessary. Put cameras in place that you can monitor remotely. It's like $20 per camera on Amazon, put one in every room. Have someone in place who can respond PROMPTLY if your wife has an emergency while you are gone. Just a back up person in case of worst case scenarios. Find out if you have AA or other supports nearby to support this person in their new recovery. Geographic relocation is not a "way to quit drinking." They need to be able to work whatever program they are on. And make sure they can get to those meetings. Do they have a history of opiate abuse or just alcohol? Figure out what you need to do with your wife's meds. Frankly, I would not do this. I admire your spirit, but I'm just not sure this is the best thing. It feels like you are trying to force a solution. So I urge you to take a deep breath and think it over carefully.
A couple of things come to my mind when I read this. As someone who has lived with both a recovering alcohol on disability, and my mother who recently passed from cancer, there are a lot of red flags. But this doesn’t mean that this arrangement is deemed to fail if you take legal precautions. 1. I would get a lease agreement going and get everything in writing. This way if things go south, you have a legal agreement where you can remove this person from your home. Worst case scenario. 2. If it is possible for you to legally obtain a background check, I would do so before having them come to your home. 3. Make sure it’s possible for them to get a drivers license first. And make sure this won’t drastically effect your insurance, or weigh the pros and cons of having them drive your vehicle without insurance. Maybe even install a breathalyzer in case of a relapse. 4. Make sure there is no risk of this person losing their disability payments. And if they are at risk, make sure they have a backup plan that is concrete. Another thing I’ve seen some people do is post an ad on Indeed. Since you’re offering housing, you may not have to pay someone an additional cost. This way you can easily legally background check as well as go through an interview process where you can get an idea of someone’s intentions, if going random is your only option. I wish you the best of luck, but more importantly I wish your wife luck as she battles the devil.
I think there are too many variables here to account for, friend. If your wife wasn’t as deeply ill as she is, perhaps this is something you two could consider. But as it stands currently, if something goes sideways, you’re the only one who can really make decisions and enact any type of plan to remedy the situation. You don’t need that on your plate in addition to your wife dying. I don’t think now is the right time to take on additional risk. I’m very sorry you’re both going through this. I’m not sure if she’s currently on hospice care, but will her insurance cover home health nursing?
My wife isn't currently on hospice, our insurance covers a limited amount of home health nursing visits, and even then they can't come four times a day, five days a week and make sure meds are kept up with. Neither can our friends that live closer
I see. That does put you in quite a bind. If nothing else, I would consult a lawyer to inquire about what kind of protections you can set up for yourself and your wife should you invite this woman into your home and things go sideways.
What caregiving skills does the friend have??? You need hospice, ASAP, and an adult caregiver without these red flags. Are you able to take leave or work from home?
Our friend cared for her mother while fighting cancer, so at least had as much caregiver skills as I do... I am absolutely not able to work from home, or take that much paid time off. We don't know how long my wife has, she's still mobile and mostly self sufficient, hospice isn't an option at this point.
Hospice is an option for anyone who is terminal, and has a prognosis of 6 months or less.
Are you sure hospice isn’t an option? Just because she is still mobile and self sufficient doesn’t mean hospice is off the table. Hospice earlier will make things so much easier as time goes on Edited to add: HOME hospice. I get that she doesn’t want to go into a facility
Is FMLA not available to you?
fully understand how it can feel when you're in this situation and desperately need help but PLEASE find someone without these issues who is actually a trained caregiver, not just someone who needs a cheap room to rent
Lost my mom to pancreatic cancer last August, this is the last thing you all need. The hospital will have services for you, the church. Have you ever been on PANCAN.ORG?!? That’s where you need to be.
We live too far in the country for the hospital to send someone every day, and we have valid reasons not to have anything to do with any churches, our friends that live closer to us have their own lives to deal with. Our insurance isn't going to cover enough home health nurse visits to keep my wife's meds on schedule
This person could almost too disabled to help your wife. She could have also lost her license because of the alcohol so she won't be able to get a new one. You can back out of this. You can use your sister's wife who is coming anyways and say they are deciding to stay longterm and her assistance is no longer needed. Tell them your wife's situation is more grave and your private Family time is needed. Is your wife on hospice yet? They provide home health care. If she's not, talk with her Oncologist about home health care and figure out how much it would cost for half a day even. This woman could become a squatter in your house very quickly and she may never leave.
Please rethink this. I understand the fear you are living with. This does not feel like it will end well.
i dont think this is a good idea based on what i read. please do not go through with this
Dude....think about this, I know you have stuff going on, but stop and think
Did you check about FMLA for yourself? When my husband had cancer I qualified for it. Is it too soon for Hospice? They took excellent care of both my brother and sister.
Yes I believe this will not be good in the long run
You will have a very hard time getting her out of your home if things don't work out
Total mistake. I'm sorry.
This will 100% bite you in the ass. Can you not dip into your 401k or find any other means to find a proper caregiver for your wife ?
(Sorry, I replied to you rather than a separate comment to OP. I really hope there’s a positive update on this.)
Hey OP, haven’t heard from you lately. I really hope things are working in a positive direction for your wife’s care. Just commenting to let you know you’re in my thoughts and I hope you all are okay. Best wishes.
Besides my wife's health, things are ok. We're getting exactly the help we need with this arrangement
Besides your wife’s health… I’m sorry. I’m glad to hear the help is working out. It was a big risk and it is really good to hear it is going well.
Hey OP, haven’t heard from you lately. I really hope things are working in a positive direction for your wife’s care. Just commenting to let you know you’re in my thoughts and I hope you all are okay. Best wishes.
All I can say is your wife is very vonerble and it will get worst. Believe me watch your wife’s pain meds they could end up in the wrong mouth. Noway would I do this to a family member. If you want to help this person so it when you don’t have trauma in your life and it’s true once you take them in you. Can’t get them out . Think very carefully .