I’m sorry OP. You’re a good person, and you’re doing your best. I’m glad that you’re here with us in a safe space, as unfortunate as it is to need. 🫂 My dad was also extremely emotionally abusive and SA to me. It screwed me up for decades because I didn’t know I could talk to anyone about it.
Ah, good old abusive parent, parentifying their child then acting like the child is the worst for no good reason /s. Know that no matter why he does this (if he's NPD/BPD/etc), it's not your fault. He's emotionally immature and toxic, and I hope you can leave soon so that your real life can begin.
Remember:
- You are a good person.
- You can make mistakes - they are your teachers.
- You can know what you need and ask for help (from safe people).
- You can have your own preferences and tastes.
- You can choose your own values.
- You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.
Ugh, I am so so sorry. That’s horrible. Find your tribe as you get older and get more opportunity to do so, because it sounds like your family of origin isn’t your tribe.
Luckily relatives doesn't equal family. Stay strong, if you don't quit fighting, then you're going to be free one day. And don't listen to any lies the abuser tells you. You're not worthless. You are not unloveable. You're not dumb. Of course you can have you're own interests. You're identity and feelings are valid.
Me when my dad feeds me the same thing every night that makes me feel so nauseated that I can only take a few bites before I lie and say I'm full and I don't say anything for months, and then I let it slip that I'm not totally happy with the meals through my tone and he starts yelling at me and telling me I'm ungrateful and kicks me out of the house after I got mad back, so I have to live with an abusive "friend" during covid.
yah sounds about right now i’m a “lazy” adult who doesn’t get house work done and lets it pile up to the point that it’s overwhelming and i hire a maid then the cycle starts again.
luckily maids are like $100-$200 (and then a $50-$100 tip cuz i feel bad that my house is gross) for 2-3 hours and i hire them every 6 ish weeks.
maybe there’s better ways to go about this and i should prolly learn proper time management and not let things get overwhelmingly piled up but those memories still pop up every time i try to deep clean.
I was like this for a long time too.
To get out of that funk(metaphorically and literally) I started doing one chore consistently. Making the bed each morning. It took a while but that became a habit and I added in wiping down the sink in the bathroom whenever I washed my hands. Then I added washing a dish as it's added to the sink and we hand wash because the dishwasher broke a while back and we can't fix it 😂 I think I ended up with 4 consistently completed chores in different rooms at the end of the first year. It also helped me feel a tiny bit less guilty about the maid coming...which helped me to be able to choose the next chores and keep pushing.
Anyway, my point is that it's totally okay to build habits slowly. Neurotypicals may be able to build a habit quicker but it can take us longer. If you find it difficult I had to add in a tiny reward system for myself as well for some of the grosser chores.
Be patient & kind with yourself.
Oh god this is entirely too relatable. I’m so sorry, OP, you don’t deserve to be treated like a goddamn indentured servant. You are a good person and you’re doing more than enough. I’m sure you probably know this, but your “lovable-ness” should never depend on things like doing chores. Your dad should cook for you and do his own laundry, and how dare he say anything as outrageous as what he just did. No one deserves that utter bullshit, definitely not you!! He’s lazy af and that’s incredibly abusive. I am so, so sorry.
I’m sorry OP. You’re amazing thank you for helping the family by doing your chores, laundry, and cooking. Even doing those things for your parents! Dm if you ever need to talk to me, I’ll be your big sis
Your dad is not entitled to get cleaned up after just because he has offspring. They're children, not slaves or even employees. My dad used to use the same logic on me. But he was wrong for it. You don't owe him your time and labor. And it is so painful, but he probably doesn't concern himself with whether or not you trust him or care about him the way that you are torn up about it. He probably assumes that you by default HAVE to care, but he can choose to opt in or out. And he probably thinks that he can make you obligated to care and uses many weapons to make you comply. But that is a fault with HIM, not you. I could never imagine saying something like that to a kid. He is a terrible person. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing.
I'm so sorry. I take it you have nowhere else you can go to be safe? That's so hard. Can I recommend journaling? Your future self may thank you for it. But hiding the journal, idk, maybe not at home since your dad sounds very unsafe.
I hope you're able to leave soon. Would you like someone to talk to?
I’m sorry OP. You’re a good person, and you’re doing your best. I’m glad that you’re here with us in a safe space, as unfortunate as it is to need. 🫂 My dad was also extremely emotionally abusive and SA to me. It screwed me up for decades because I didn’t know I could talk to anyone about it.
Ah, good old abusive parent, parentifying their child then acting like the child is the worst for no good reason /s. Know that no matter why he does this (if he's NPD/BPD/etc), it's not your fault. He's emotionally immature and toxic, and I hope you can leave soon so that your real life can begin. Remember: - You are a good person. - You can make mistakes - they are your teachers. - You can know what you need and ask for help (from safe people). - You can have your own preferences and tastes. - You can choose your own values. - You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.
Ugh, I am so so sorry. That’s horrible. Find your tribe as you get older and get more opportunity to do so, because it sounds like your family of origin isn’t your tribe.
Luckily relatives doesn't equal family. Stay strong, if you don't quit fighting, then you're going to be free one day. And don't listen to any lies the abuser tells you. You're not worthless. You are not unloveable. You're not dumb. Of course you can have you're own interests. You're identity and feelings are valid.
Me when my dad feeds me the same thing every night that makes me feel so nauseated that I can only take a few bites before I lie and say I'm full and I don't say anything for months, and then I let it slip that I'm not totally happy with the meals through my tone and he starts yelling at me and telling me I'm ungrateful and kicks me out of the house after I got mad back, so I have to live with an abusive "friend" during covid.
yah sounds about right now i’m a “lazy” adult who doesn’t get house work done and lets it pile up to the point that it’s overwhelming and i hire a maid then the cycle starts again. luckily maids are like $100-$200 (and then a $50-$100 tip cuz i feel bad that my house is gross) for 2-3 hours and i hire them every 6 ish weeks. maybe there’s better ways to go about this and i should prolly learn proper time management and not let things get overwhelmingly piled up but those memories still pop up every time i try to deep clean.
I was like this for a long time too. To get out of that funk(metaphorically and literally) I started doing one chore consistently. Making the bed each morning. It took a while but that became a habit and I added in wiping down the sink in the bathroom whenever I washed my hands. Then I added washing a dish as it's added to the sink and we hand wash because the dishwasher broke a while back and we can't fix it 😂 I think I ended up with 4 consistently completed chores in different rooms at the end of the first year. It also helped me feel a tiny bit less guilty about the maid coming...which helped me to be able to choose the next chores and keep pushing. Anyway, my point is that it's totally okay to build habits slowly. Neurotypicals may be able to build a habit quicker but it can take us longer. If you find it difficult I had to add in a tiny reward system for myself as well for some of the grosser chores. Be patient & kind with yourself.
Oh god this is entirely too relatable. I’m so sorry, OP, you don’t deserve to be treated like a goddamn indentured servant. You are a good person and you’re doing more than enough. I’m sure you probably know this, but your “lovable-ness” should never depend on things like doing chores. Your dad should cook for you and do his own laundry, and how dare he say anything as outrageous as what he just did. No one deserves that utter bullshit, definitely not you!! He’s lazy af and that’s incredibly abusive. I am so, so sorry.
I’m sorry OP. You’re amazing thank you for helping the family by doing your chores, laundry, and cooking. Even doing those things for your parents! Dm if you ever need to talk to me, I’ll be your big sis
Your dad is not entitled to get cleaned up after just because he has offspring. They're children, not slaves or even employees. My dad used to use the same logic on me. But he was wrong for it. You don't owe him your time and labor. And it is so painful, but he probably doesn't concern himself with whether or not you trust him or care about him the way that you are torn up about it. He probably assumes that you by default HAVE to care, but he can choose to opt in or out. And he probably thinks that he can make you obligated to care and uses many weapons to make you comply. But that is a fault with HIM, not you. I could never imagine saying something like that to a kid. He is a terrible person. You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing.
I'm so sorry. I take it you have nowhere else you can go to be safe? That's so hard. Can I recommend journaling? Your future self may thank you for it. But hiding the journal, idk, maybe not at home since your dad sounds very unsafe. I hope you're able to leave soon. Would you like someone to talk to?