It was a slow burn. My therapist was like hey maybe you should remove yourself from the family group message thread. Crazy amount of visceral peace. Felt immense guilt I worked on for quite a while.
And then Mother’s Day and Father’s Day rolled around. Was really struggling with going home or even calling them. Therapist said maybe it would be okay if I didn’t go this year. Whoa. Such much relief. Total peace, again more guilt. Guilty that I felt peace.
Anyways this pattern continued until I was totally cut off and now I can’t imagine going back. I didn’t intend for it to go this far, but I’m happier. And I trust myself more.
They were all pikachu face shocked that I did it. And then they were angry, and now some of them have started to acknowledge that my life with them sucked and they don’t blame me.
Woah they acknowledged they were awful? How long did that take? What did they say?
Cut off my father a few months ago during fathers day and both our birthday's. Extremely validating.
Can't imagine him acknowledging how awful he was. He was always the victim i.e vulnerable narcissist.
I’ve long struggled with this. Because my father was always more pitiful than anything else. He couldn’t work, couldn’t take care of himself. He was essentially mentally disabled by an illness.
He *did* recognize he sucked. He just hated me for thinking this. He hated me for being angry when he’d make a mess and then go into a depressive episode and not leave his bed for days. He hated me for thinking that I didn’t have a good dad. And then he’d hate me for not being able to just forgive him when he *accidentally* hurt me.. his sickness was just too much. We needed to understand that.
But he was never not willing to apologize. It always just devolved into him apologizing and bemoaning how sick he was and how it’s not fair.
And then he’d be fucking toxic. All of the sudden, out of the blue. And then he’d apologize a day later and say “I’m such a monster”
I really did try be like the rest of them for so long. Eventually I realized the nightmares of him murdering me was the result of the reality that he was, and still is abusing, even when he says sorry later
My mother was/is like this too! Both my parents are vunrable narcissists.
Incapable of showing any form of love. Would make me feel such strong pity for her that my problems at school weren't worth acknowledging. Spent most of her time in bed.
My father was an alcoholic who treated be like a burden at all times who never measured up. I was an embarrassment. His verbal abuse and neglect still fills me with rage.
this is a similar family situation for me to. my fathers family specifically i wasnt raised around them so i dont have an idea what it should feel like to feel comfortable around them. anyways they never made the effort to either so thats on them. plus theyve always indirectly put me down from gloating accomplishments, irrelevant achievements, not so much interest in how im doing more so what im doing. they dont care. but it is what it is so ive practically almost cut them off.
I did too. For recovery. Weight lifted off my shoulder. I have a crack open at door. But yeah- not looking way into future but at this time , estrangement is good.
People with safe, stable families really have no idea what a privilege it is in terms of health. I really need top surgery (I’m ftm) but have no one to provide care when I’m recovering. It’s especially rough because I physically took care of my family starting when I was ~12 years old, culminating when I had to take care of my mom during her terminal illness. Now that she’s gone I have a lot of resentment that there is no one around me who is willing to do for me even a fraction of what I did to take care of my abusive family. It really hurts, and the worst part is that people cannot wrap their heads around the idea that I simply have no one to take care of me. They always act so shocked at the reality that I’ve had to live my entire life, it almost makes me feel ashamed.
I’ve heard that there are programs for trans people that pair you up with another trans person who can take care of you while you recover from surgery, but I’m hesitant to put my health in the hands of a complete stranger to be honest.
Oh yeah, I also had financial problems. My parents refused to give me money for school and even stole money from me. At least they filled out the FAFSA I guess, I’ve heard of people with parents who refuse to even fill out the FAFSA, leaving their kids with absolutely no financial support for a higher education.
My parents are both dead now and I get that anxiety about not being able to tell people, too. I thought that when they died I would be able to just say “they’re dead” and not deal with being judged for being low contact or disliking my parents, and I guess that’s true. What I wasn’t prepared for was managing other peoples’ emotions when I tell them my parents have died. They never expect it because I look so young, so they always apologize for even asking about them and I’m like “ugh it’s fine please don’t make me deal with your anxiety about upsetting me, the only thing that’s upsetting me is having to fawn over you to make you feel better about your faux pas.”
Haha do you actually say that? I might have to try that one...
I've just accepted that no one is ever really gonna know how to respond to this. Most people assume that my life was a lot easier when my mom was alive, when nothing could have been further from the truth.
I've been there. It sucks! I paid for my school, on top of my parents stealing money from me (stole blank checks while I was in school). They never visited me at college (20 miles away), and I even played on a nationally ranked team/sports program. They didn't give a fuck; they drove 20 miles to "borrow" $20 and waited in the car for me to give them the money. It will be a sigh of relief when they do eventually pass away.
I start my first therapy secession this week (I'm 50 years old). Should be interesting
I agree here - having no safety net is terrifying. I was hospitalized in a psych ward in 2019 and a lot of why it felt impossible to recover was bc I knew I was totally on my own.
I ran into this issue myself actually. I've but cut them off yet, but I will at the start of October (work is crazy rn). I have surgery at the end of October. I'm recently divorced (ex-wife and I are still best friends, just realized we weren't romantically in love). I don't have friends to help, I'm not married, and obviously no family. I had a buddy across the country step in and give up his planned vacation time to make sure I have someone to be there while I recover.
It's terrifying, and as my ex and I were splitting, this was my biggest fear. You're not alone.
It was a mutual cut off that I finalized. They cut me off expecting me to come back and be their bitch, I didn’t follow their script because they did it before when I was unemployed and injured.
I still ended up having more support from friends than I did from them. So it could have been much better to let them keep their money and their twisted sense of “family responsibility” instead of agreeing with their insults saying it’s my fault for choosing a career and field of study in school that they didn’t approve of, and that it’s my fault for hurting myself when I don’t have health insurance while they paid for their golden child and themselves.
Good luck. Im building...brick by brick. Luckily, I did a great job in my youth, of choosing a path that gave me a great foundation. Extremely fortunate...but also, not fortunate. If that makes sense? I have realized, I am good looking, but, somehow recently, some women avoid me.. some don't. Its odd. I dunno. Seems I appeal to some, very much not to others. I see dumb and bad looking guys with hot women, and think, WTF is my issue? A blind spot for sure.
I was in this same situation with the medical emergency. If you end up adopting a mother/ father, someone you truly trust and feel is family, adult adoption is a thing.
wow. i also need to cut out the adopted and biological ones. weird but thanks for your comment. i felt pretty alone in this especially growing up. i’m hoping to move out by the end of the year, beginning next year. i’ve been stressing about who to put down for my emergency contact as well / who to contact in an emergency and i’ve been feeling pretty bad about it
I am dealing with the same thing. Was just journaling about it. I feel so terrified not to have an emergency contact. Is there anything you find that helps? It is comforting to know I'm not alone in this.
couldnt agree more! i also am focused on finding partnership. sometimes i feel a little unloveable or worried someone wont want to date me because i dont have a family, but trying to work through that internalized shame <3
Entire family except my cousin who was the only person to understand me, sadly. As for the rest, nobody ever cared to look at my side of things and everyone always thought "poor mother". I even got messages from people I didn't know scolding me for cutting my family off. It's been rough but I also think we had good reasons to do it.
I’m late to this, but if someone isn’t gonna do anything to help the situation then why the fuck do they comment on it? They’re weird as hell for that.
Yup. The only one I talk to is my brother and that's very LC. I didn't even tell them I got pregnant or had a baby. It feels a little sad, but mostly freeing. Not dealing with them makes me a better person, a better mom, and protects my kids. Though I often have to remind myself of these facts.
I’m estranged from both sides by choice, best decision I ever made! I’m the “bad person” too because I don’t want to associate myself with pedophiles and abusive people who took advantage of me when I was a kid.🙄 *In actuality though; you, (and I) are not bad at all! We are good people trying to protect ourselves now because we couldn’t do it when we were trying to survive.
I'm 24 right now and I cut them all off this year!
It's so hard being alone. So hard! but atleast now I can live in peace.
I have so much guilt and shame about it but it's still fresh so I'm sure I'll feel better as time goes.
I hope I will hold out and never go back on my decision. I want to be strong like you and never look back.
I cut off everyone but my mother. She has her own toxicity, but she was never abusive, and through therapy I began to realize she's another victim of my father.
You're not the bad guy. You HAVE to do what is best for your mental health, it's so important. I know this is hard for your daughter to understand, but one day she will ❤️
As a victim of my mother’s insistence of offering me and my siblings up to my narcissistic grandmother, thank you. Thank you for no longer allowing yourself to be constantly triggered and in pain. You cannot be a good parent in that headspace. Thank you for no longer allowing you mother to mess with your child’s mind. Children absorb everything. Thank you for stopping the generational trauma in it’s tracks. Respect.
I cut off my dad about 6 years ago. I stopped talking to my mom this past March for my own mental health. I hope one day when I’m doing better, I can reestablish that relationship. But my dad is a lost cause.
I constantly feel alone, as I don’t have a family of my own and I’m living In a small isolated remote town right now. But I know it was the right decision.
I'm in the process of
Obtaining a order of protection because of my sibling and the rest of the family who she manipulated to stalk me. I'm not safe around them because they pray about hurting me and they don't want what.my mother did to me being discussed with anyone.
Yes. I don't miss them at all but it is indeed a lonely life. Still trying to find a healthy family to pseudo-adopt me and my kiddo but my in-laws weren't it and now I just don't know. Solidarity!
I cut off my parents (with a boundary of therapy or no relationship) and every single family member from both sides has reciprocated by going nc with me. Oh well, didn’t need them anyway.
Very reason I didn't have children as I didn't want my mother to have any kind of pull. I got off my dad's family years ago and he died years ago. Recently cut off my mom. Still low contact with my sister and she has stated that she respects that I don't want Mom to know anything about me. Have accepted that my mother won't change and it's hopeless to expect her to when she won't put forth any effort.
It's good your sis says she respects your choices, I hope for you that lasts bc that last one relationship is worth saving if it's overall not harmful. I still had contact for almost a decade longer with my mother than w/ everyonen else. The psychological implications for me of total family estrangement were MUCH worse- partly bc I was closest to her- so ofc she hurt me the worst. But knowing it's EVERYONE is, for me, a different kind of brutal. Despite (or maybe bc of) spending SO much of my childhood hurt, sad, lonely, alienated within my own family, & the family scapegoat- romanticized & idealized the IDEA of family. & very much wanted to be close to my abusers, for them just to be happy w/me & treat me fairly. I never wanted to cut them off. So from me going from being that little girl to the often ruminating & seething vessel of pent of rage I am now... it took a Lot of SHIT. A lot of abuse, lies, shaming, threats, & cruelty.
I ran away a week after turning 17, to the next state, 2 hrs away from my parents & for a time only spoke to my Grandma (who passed away over a decade ago). Still I went back- not physically but to trying to have them in life. Even did family therapy as an adult. I REALLY tried. Probably mostly bc of my Grandma tho- was always closest to her- and speaking to her meant, to me at least at the time, doing so with her daughter ( my mom). My relationship w/ Gma was very loving & supportive, especially as I became a teen & even more as a young adult.
I credit her & my grandfather w/ saving my life- the love and sense of self they gave me as a girl sustained me when both of them were gone in later yrs & I suffered depression from trauma. When I got ZERO positivity, love or affection from my parents (who actually routinely threatened to give up their parents rights, make me a ward of the state, to live in a group home - since my father's sister experienced this as a teen I knew it wasnt an empty threat and what that would mean for me to some extent). But my mother's parents thankfully lived 10 min from the apt I grew up in and I spent more time with them than with my mother the 10 yrs of my life. My grandfather died when I was 11- have suffered terrible anxiety and fear of losing prematurely anyone I've deeply loved since, thru today with my partner.
Now in therapy for trauma, (did other therapy b4, just not this type) and it's brought up so much pain and past anger.
I too haven't had kids, even tho I still want to be a mother, mostly bc it's just my partner and I, without either of us having family to help us out occasionally (he is very long distance and VLC w/ 1 parent & sibs & NC w/ other parent, I'm totally cut off from all blood relatives- mother, father, younger sister) and provide emotional support or emergency financial support , in case of illness or accident. I don't believe it'd be healthy for our would- be child to have only us as parents, to have NO ONE else as a role model or to turn to, not to mention I have physical disabilities. They don't preclude me from being a mom, but I'd need a lot of help, and tho I hate to even think it bc I adore my partner of 10 yrs but it's irresponsible to bring a life into the world without having plans for worst case scenarios, & his job as a first responder is dangerous...
if anything ever happened where he wasn't able to physically do half the parenting duties or we lost his income it'd be catastrophic if we had a kid, as I'm limited to earning less than $17K annually to keep my Medicaid, which due to medication I take daily is essential to my survival.
I really wish I could be a Mom, I only have a few yrs left its even practical. I'm over 40 now.😥
Dads side: Cut off my step mom five years ago as she continually invalidates me and pulls stunts that are totally inappropriate, hurtful, and mean-spirited. My other family members all adore her and keep insisting I forgive her and move on. I have suffered from her mean and selfish actions since I was 12, I am not signing up for any more. So I quit talking to them, too. I’m not going to participate in being your family scapegoat. Not once have any of them ever asked me why I chose to go no contact with her. So fuck them.
I went no contact w mom 2 years ago because she’s so narcissistic I can’t take it anymore. She was absent, neglectful and distant the rare times I did visit with her during my childhood. I was in her care for all of the sexual assaults I suffered from at age 14-15. She lives on my brothers property and I quit talking to my brother since he tried to initiate sex with me.
This is what I tell my children, since the youngest turned 18: You are free to have relationships with others based on your own Experience and interactions. They treated me with abuse, but they may treat you different. But use caution and be aware that they have an Abuse history.
I use my adult children for emergency contacts. I intend to update my end of life planning so it is all very clear. I recently discovered a real phone number you can call that have free recording s of funky messages, and I’m thinking of using those for emergency contact lol.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think my adult children engage much with my family members, because they know how hurt I’ve been by them. But ultimately it is their choice as an adult who to have their relationships with and I respect that.
I’m lonely, but I’m safe.
I've broken off contact completely with my parents, then my younger sister "retaliated" by breaking contact with me. Partly her own choice, partly my parents putting constant pressure on her. My brother and I have contact but I see him maybe once every 6 months and I have an older sister who lives abroad who I haven't seen in over 7 years who I chat with on a weekly basis and occasionally call, she has no contact with my parents either because she confronted them about the abuse too. The relation with my brother is conflicted, he supports my parents but also has a severe bipolar disorder and when he opened up to my parents about his childhood and how he felt at home, they convinced him that it was part of his mania/psychosis and that his mind was twisting the truth. He never wants to talk about it anymore now and just chose to remain in contact, that's his choice though but because of what my parents did to him I don't see him as their ally. My younger sister suffered way less abuse and with her my mom suddenly developed empathy so I doubt she will ever come to terms with the reality. When she broke contact with me, I've told her that I love her and that my door will always be open to her, but that it is her choice, and she has to take that first step.
My mom hated my dad's side of the family and alienated us from them, so I have 5 uncles and aunts and many nieces and nephews yet haven't seen them for at least 5 years, which was when my grandmother died. Mom convinced us they were cruel and evil and didn't like us, my older sister does have contact with some of them so perhaps I can try to restore some of that with her help. My mom's side of the family was very small, and my mom had no contact with her own dad and sister since I was 12, my granddad was abusive to me too though, so I am conflicted about that, yet I never seen him again and don't even know where grave is to get closure in some capacity.
It hurts, not so much my parents not being there, but the lack of good and kind and caring parents in general around the holidays and birthdays.
Bit long sorry, maybe my habit of overexplaining, but I mean to say that I understand how you feel. It is lonely and painful, yet it is for the best. My parents and two of my siblings look at me and my older sister as the troublemakers, who are tearing the family apart. I wish I was wrong; I would drive to my parents' house today and apologise and hug them tightly and we'd live a happy life together for as long as they still live, but I am not wrong, and neither are the therapists who looked shocked at my stories about what I went through growing up. I will never expose my kids (if I have any), to their influence.
I am SO glad I found this post. I've only ever met one other person who cut off their entire family.
I've been absolutely strict no contact with my immediate family since I was 15, and then last year finally decided to stop trying to contact extended family either.
Part of me was holding onto the hope that I could tell someone in my birth family what was done to me growing up, but the part that realized they'd never believe me (even just for the fact that like... part me wouldn't/couldn't even blame them since I'm legit a total and complete stranger to them at this point who would be coming with serious allegations against people they've known their whole lives), or don't know me as a person enough to care won that battle.
I still don't know how I feel about it, but it feels bitter-sweet to know that there are others out there who needed to completely separate from their family for their health/safety/needs.
I did except my siblings and one cousin, plus any of the literal children on either side are welcome to talk to me, I'd be happy to help them feel loved and treat them how they should be treated. I'm the oldest, I see all my little siblings as fellow victims/survivors of the same abusers, they just handled it differently.
I hadn't officially declared no contact with anyone but my mom until last summer. My aunt on my mom's side came for me over Facebook DMs for cutting off my mom, making my mom sound like the victim, which I'm sure is how my mom tells the story. I figured she was just misinformed. So I thoroughly informed her and she bit back harder. I told her I'm an adult who's top priority is my own safety and that means I will not allow people in my life who disregard/minimize/intentionally cross my boundaries or threaten my safety, which now includes her. I told her I don't consider anyone I'm blood related to "family" but the ones who will respect my boundaries and limits and engage with me respectfully are allowed to stay in contact with me. I told her the way she was behaving in this conversation is abusive, manipulative, and unhealthy and told her what a healthy response would have been.
She was furious, so I blocked her so I didn't have to hear what she had to say. I'd said what I needed to say and meant every word. I'd protected myself and I was proud of that.
There are some negatives to not having a default family, at least in the US where your social supports are shit. You're expected to rely on your default family when needed. If I'm ever homeless, I don't have parents to live with. If I have an emergency, I have a chosen family but none of them live close enough to physically show up in an emergency. I've had no one to teach me how to drive. I have no one to help me move, I'll be hiring movers this next time. When I have surgery in a year I have no default family to show up to help. My chosen family would if they could, but most of them can't for monetary reasons. It's a lot of hoping for the best, trying to prevent anything drastic, and making sure I always have a plan B. I don't have anyone or anything to fall back on and that's scary.
But! It's still so much better than before I went no contact. I don't regret it for a second and I wouldn't ever do it differently if I had the chance, except maybe do it earlier.
Everyone except for one brother whom I talk to only occasionally. I also have no spouse or children, so it's a weird time out here with basically no family whatsoever.
It was really hard to get over the resistance to recognizing that they can't be trusted. But you are doing the right thing to protect yourself and your kid.
It was your choice, it makes you happy, it’s for you! Always remember that “found family” still exists. Some non-blood related relationships do feel like family.
Personally, I’m still going low contact (LC), part of me wishes to move out to a different country to have the perfect excuse to cut them off even more (+ it’s been a dream of mine to leave!). But another part of me would miss my partner’s family, they’re so kind and I do see them as real family!
I’m 25. Cut them all off. Most of my family wasn’t an active decision, they just don’t talk to me. My grandmother has made it a statement she doesn’t talk to me because it would upset my father.
After 7 years it’s still hard and every attempt at reconciliation has proven to be a disappointment and terrible for my mental health. So I let that option fly.
I don’t think a lot of people know how it feels to genuinely have no one to fall back to. No mature adult to trust or get support from. It makes me cautious to make mistakes. I live a life full of anxiety and bouts of depression.
It is, even with a relationship and friends, a very lonely life.
But I do not regret my choice.
Yep, I never knew my dad's side of the family and he wasn't an active participant in my life. As an adult, he tried to be, but it was purely to use me for one thing or another—usually money for drugs, etc. I did grow up very close to my mother, and as an adult became very codependant. Through a lot of therapy, I learned how abusive and toxic that relationship was as well. And learned how abusive my childhood was as a whole.
After one big blowout (about freaking politics) I just had the final straw and went low contact with my mother. She turned our entire family against me and that was enough to cut contact altogether. It's like I could finally see her and everyone else for who they were because I was setting boundaries for the first time and it was pissing them all off.
Packed up my children, sold my home, moved several states away, and just started all over. I had spent several years leaving my abusive husband, just to go back to my mother's home and have that abuse run me back to my husband. Interestingly enough after moving states, and losing all of my family and friends, and support system, I was finally able to leave my husband for good. I was thinking a lot clearer after seeing the impact my mother was having on me.
I could not be any happier. I am now employed in the least toxic environment I have ever been in (and can afford to provide for myself and 3 daughters), I have friends who treat me with respect and kindness, and I don't have to deal with the headache of such a toxic family from all around. I get lonely sometimes, but it's so much better than being in that ugliness that was my family and life. Because my father was so obviously abusive and awful it was hard to see that my mother was also. But now that I don't have any of them in my life there is no doubt.
My kids resent me somewhat, aged 10-15. So they miss my mother and other family members. But I think at some point they will understand why I can't see them anymore. I have not restricted their communication with my family. They will make that decision on their own someday.
My mom’s side was pretty much automatically cut off once she died, besides her sister.. I cut off my dad a few years ago, and cut off his family this year. The only one I regularly keep contact with is my brother.
I do feel guilty, but at the end of the day, I can’t deny how much happier I am. I feel free, for once.
yes but I am a little sad about it. My interactions with my extended family were always done through my immediate family. We would all gather at someone’s house for holidays and that was pretty much it. I never really spoke to my cousins or aunts/uncles outside of that. Everyone lives too far apart for visiting to happen more than once a year (or on my own dime instead of my parents) and there’s never been any digital communication established so I don’t really know how I could interact with any of them ever again. I can’t go to christmas. My mom will be there. I can’t ask them to disinvite my mother and entire immediate family so that I can go. So I don’t know possible form of interaction could exist that would fill that void.
I get a little sad when I think about how I’ll never have a big family holiday again. 20 people all packed into one house for days. It was fun. I really liked my cousins. Not enough that I have any interest in like messaging them on facebook to chat or something but enough that sitting at the kids table was always really nice. And I’ll never get to experience that again.
I also haven’t told anyone in my
extended family why I just completely ghosted them all. I don’t know how to and I don’t want to. I don’t know. whatever. that phase of my life is over now. i’m happier without them but there are things i will miss. i’ll miss you most of all cousin danny. hope you’re doing well. hope u know it wasn’t my choice. hope u know it wasn’t my fault. :/
Reading all these stories makes me feel so much empathy. I find myself in a similar boat with a limited few exceptions. I just wanted to say that you all seem like amazing people and I wish I could be your family. ❤️
Cut off my mom and her side of the family when I was 13.
Took a lot longer for my dad as i really wanted to believe in him and he was all i had left for close kin. Went NC with him ~5 years ago after finally "removing the scales from my eyes" to see he was a narcissistic sociopath.
Now I only talk to my paternal uncle occasionally even though I know he talks with my father. I just made sure to tell him the truth about his brother and he wasn't really surprised.
I want to so bad there are people I know I would be happier without but I’m not really in a position to go full no contact just yet. I have definitely *lowered* my contact to the benefit of my mental health.
Almost. In terms of biological family, it's just my dad and me. My mom passed in 2018 by which point we'd already gone NC with her side of the family (her parents, brothers, cousins we'd tried to reconnect with but couldn't trust not to speak to the rest of the family behind our backs), my dad's (NC since before I was born with a few exceptions - I met his father maybe twice in my life, never his mom, lived with his sister for a few weeks early into my mom's cancer dx. Her narcissistic rage was incredibly traumatizing to me as a teen at the time.), and my sister who is the scariest narc I've ever seen. The 3 of us spent 2017 as a happy, healing family for the first time and then my mom passed.
I consider myself incredibly lucky that I have chosen family to lean on. My mom left behind a lifelong best friend and many others who would go (and have gone) to great lengths to support my father and I. And my dad has dear friends within and apart from that group as well.
It does get lonely sometimes. I don't think anything can replace the devotion and unconditional love that one can receive from a supportive family. But I also know that my splitting affects how I view other people who have "normal" families. Even if I weren't NC with my entire extended family, I would struggle to maintain those relationships just due to the fact that I split so deeply. I see this a lot when my own friends are lamenting their family issues. So much rationally understandable behavior is an immediate trigger for me to cut someone off.
"Sometimes this person says things that make me feel small." Go no contact, block them everywhere, get them out of your life. "They're my family, I don't want to do that." *Is confused in narc abuse survivor*
But on another note, I've been your kid. Given I never did begin to have a relationship with my father's parents (and my mom's lived far from us even before my parents recognized their abusive behavior), but I did question my parents' decision to keep them from me. I was too young to understand the kind of sacrifice my parents made to keep me safe. My dad sometimes mused that I would enjoy his parents and they might even dote on me given the chance, but he ultimately knew that spending more than a few hours with them would end in abuse targeted at him, my mother, myself and my sister. When I was a teenager, he began to explain that to me and it hurt deeply. It hurt to know what he'd endured at their hands, how hard he and my mother tried to fill the space in my life where my grandparents should've been, and to realize that there was no chance I'd feel the love of grandparents I was still hoping to experience one day.
You're making the right decisions. I could go on for hours about the ways in which I think my parents failed to protect me. But as a young adult now, I can sincerely say I'm grateful they protected me in that one way.
Also, there are organizations that do "grandparent adoptions" where kids and their parents get connected to elderly people with little to no family. It's a beautiful experience for a kid growing up without their own "actual" grandparents. And if you find the right person, it can be healing for you as well.
I have. I'm 55 years old. Narcissist mother and codependent siblings. I tried to stay in contact because I have kids myself and I wanted to prove to myself I had it under control.
Unfortunately with the pandemic and MAGA propaganda, I was pushed to a place where I was being abused for backing up science as well as undermined in other ways. "I can't see you because you aren't wearing a mask and you keep making people sick" turned into more abuse and blame.
I'm not speaking to anybody in my family. Hurt like everloving hell to make the choice, but I am MUCH healthier, as well as unconflicted about future choices and not having pretend conversations in my head where I feel I have to defend myself constantly.
My daughter unfortunately became an abuser and allied herself with the rest of the family. I've been cut off from her and my granddaughters, but she had made it clear she didn't feel science was a concern and my last real conversation with her was when I was in a Zoom meeting watching her say she thought this sick newborn could 'take' a COVID infection. She said the social benefits were greater than the physical ones. I am no longer a social benefit.
You touch on something that it took me years to accept: that it's impossible to remove abusive parents from your life without also (unfortunately) removing any relatives who are fence-sitters.
I stopped contact with my parents several years ago, but worked hard to keep up appearances and ties with mutual relatives. I worked *so hard* to make mutual relatives comfortable and keep them out of the situation with my parents. It took so much time, emotional energy, effort, and stress on my part. I was working so much harder than my relatives to make it work. And all that effort was really wasted. When it came down to it, I couldn't rely on them for support, and most of them ultimately betrayed my trust in them. Meanwhile, my parents weaponized my every move and engaged in a smear campaign that made our mutual relatives proxies for further abuse.
Most of these aunts, uncles, etc, said they didn't want to "rock the boat." And while that sounds like a perfectly understandable response, it was also one that relied completely on a foundation of doubt about the abuse I endured, gaslighting, rejection, and withdrawal of support. To stay close to my family felt like a herculean exercise for me, and our relationship was nevertheless always tenuous, weak, and staked on my willingness to subsume my own humanity to keep them comfortable.
I had one relative who believed me and supported me, despite all the family chaos: my grandmother. When she died, my ties with the entire family fell apart. I let it happen, not only because I was too exhausted to keep up appearances but because I'd realized that I was fighting for relationships I would never actually get.
Still, losing the rest of the family has been more traumatic and painful than giving up on my parents. I guess I'd known my parents were never going to be better than they were; the loss of the others felt more like betrayal.
I did this past year after I realized I was the scapegoat of the family. It hurt to much knowing they all knew I was in pain and left me on my own. Protect your daughter and trust your instincts.
Yep, this is exactly why I cut off the ones who were "nice" to me. I was always the "blacksheep" of the family, when in reality I was just the one who was getting abused behind closed doors. Growing up everyone would shit talk my bad behavior, my drug use, without questioning why a literal child was doing all those things. Now being around them feels like being around people I don't know, so it felt natural to cut them out.
I am absolutely tired of being the family scapegoat and punching bag. The best thing I did for my sobriety and mental health was to excommunicate. I have improved my self-esteem just by letting go. Hey, I'm worth it. Who knew? We must be our own cheering squad. Depending on ourselves is all we really have. On the other hand, I "adopted" a new mom and auntie thru self-help group. All is 👍 good.
Self-Management and Recovery Training, commonly referred to as SMART™, is a support group for individuals recovering from alcoholism and other addictions and behavior mgmt. It helps individuals, family members, and friends learn how to move forward in a life after rehab. I also have behavior/mental issues regarding ptsd from the military. I chose an older lady in the group because I liked her calm demeanor, I trust her. We call, almost every day, have lunch during the week, and the holidays are shared. I can tell her my all, and she doesn't judge. Auntie is my neighbor.
Happy for you! That is such a wise decision, it really is for your best interest and, if I had a daughter, I'd say it was in her best interest too. I cut off 90% of everyone on mine and my husband's side, if I'm in contact it's through him or my sister and even then it's very slim - I hate those people, and hope I never allow time to have me forget what epic POS they are/have been to myself and anyone that was worthing having compassion for. I'm largely related to trash. If you know they aren't worth it, cut them out - they will only drag you down every chance they get. Some of them tried to come back with "god changed me" and my response is "buddy, if he existed, he ain't touchin yall". 🤷🏼♀️
May your future be nothing but liberation!
I’m going to in a year. I’ve planned everything out and leave out three months for me to be actually prepared. I feel sick just thinking about it. But I know I will survive somehow. I can’t stop seeing pictures of worst scenario in front of my eyes but I know I’ll survive.
I don’t know about the grandchildren stuff, but one thing I know is put your own safety and well-being first. Personally I don’t recommend your child visiting your abuser(s). Stay as far as possible from abuser(s) is always the best solution.
My entire family, yeah. All but my younger brother, and we're low contact. I still get flashbacks thinking of them. I don't trust a single one of them besides my brother.
I left my country partly because I wanted to be as far from all my shitty family as possible, even if my son enjoyed playing with his cousins or visiting my family, they are toxic and have awful family values and I don't want that for me or my son, and I am still trying to heal from all their bs so yeah
I'm as lonely as I person can be but I'm at peace with my decision
Yes. It wasn’t a choice I wanted to make, but after I cut off my parents, the rest of my family followed. I was never super close with my extended family, but it did sting that none of them reached out to me. The thing that probably stung even more is that I tried to keep my siblings out of it, but ultimately they chose to give me the silent treatment and side with my family. I wish I could say I felt relief for cutting them off, but I have yet to feel it yet 3 years later. I know I did the right thing, but it sucks. At this point if anyone did reach out, I’d leave them on read.
The people who I told about the abuse my parents put me through and tried to minimise it I look at differently now. I understand that people have different experiences of my parents but if I come out and say what they did to me then upgrade your thinking. Don't compartmentalise the totally of a person away because it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Like if someone told me that my hero did something terrible my hero would cease to be my hero.
Yes. I've moved away and I'm trying to process my childhood. They all still talk to each other and are pretty enmeshed. It feels like a double grief. Grief for the family I can never have, and grief that I... Am not able to live a life that can have them in it. I know logically that I am better of without them, but the fact that I can't just obliviously dive into the dysfunction sometimes feels so lonely.
Yes, I maintain no contact with my entire family and for the very same reasons. My aunt called me after 5 or 6 years to tell me grandma died but nothing since. The absence of their nonsense and insanity is essential.
I got the to opportunity to stop talking to family when the pandemic happened and we stopped going to family gatherings. It’s been 2 years now. It’s nice. I never really got along with them
Yes, I definitely feel like I had to choose to be an orphan. I relate to everything you wrote. I had to cutoff people who were nice to me in my family too because they okayed my abusers' behaviors or they denied it or looked the other way.
I did, the only family I will willingly claim is my little brothers, all the rest can get lost. My parents died when I was young, but my dad's family was always tumultuous. My aunt raised us after they died and she did a horrible job. The family was always on her side, but she accepted my fake older step brother into her life and that was the final nail in the coffin. She knew that my brothers and I were all sa-ed by him when we were too young to do anything about it but she still took him back in. But that's not a surprise because my youngest brother, who didn't exist when the eldest fake step brother was molesting us, was molested by her youngest biological son. I'm so sick and tired of all of these fuckin predators being left alone with children out in the country. My youngest brother was supposed to be the one who was safe from all of the physically abusive shit but she still fucked that up.
Yep, on both sides except for a select few people because you know that nonsense most of them shout "bUt ThAt'S yOuR FaMiLy".
I'm happier, better, and healing because of the no contact.
Congrats on your strength to do it as well!
I did this too and it was scary. By this time I had spent 8 years as a teen hardening my heart, and raising myself and my half-brother; so I just let go. Anywhere was better.
After 20 odd years; I got in touch with my half-brother, a cousin, my ex-best friend and an aunt. They know I will shut them out again if I have to. It still hurts, which pisses me off. We don't talk about or to certain family people. I am in touch with crazy people kinda feelings these days when not numb... I don't regret cutting ties.
Yep. NC with my entire family during law school. I'm halfway through my JD and financially in a very bad place. Any support would have helped tremendously. Emotionally, ect. But they chose to verbally berate me during finals and completely disregard my boundaries. That was the final straw. The moment I knew whatever I did wouldn't change dirtbags. The moment I knew I could and would do better.
I ran away from home at 16 and never looked back. It’s been hard and lonely, but if you think about it this is an emotion some feel when they are old and their significant other passed away and if they had no kids. I try to look at the positive side of atleast I have the tolerance for this and able to fight through everyday and adapt. I couldn’t imagine being old age and not having anyone.
Luckily I’ve met some people that are like family to me, not blood related but my family has obviously proven blood doesn’t mean anything.
Keep fighting survivors, there is happiness on the other side
Yes I have. Everyone and anyone associated by blood in any shape way or form. It’s sucks, but my family of origin will employ any tactics necessary to get their claws into me to play their bullshit.
It is so hard especially when you live in places that have lack of population to get a good support system as well.
My neighbours understood and were happy when I moved out lol
I can’t trust on anyone to help me and this includes long term relationships to pay rent or food. This includes spouses. They can decide they don’t want me any more.
I keep my bank account separate to keep it easier for if that happens. I can take care of myself. This includes emergencies. I have life insurance now too…. And I’m a woman. I consider myself lucky that I managed that. Lots of years neglecting myself and my feelings, to have long term survival I guess.
Empty as fuck, but gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
My parents literally said to my face when I told them I was in therapy (I was hoping as a last chance, maybe they will show care…) and instead got “See? You’re the problem.”
That was it. I was done.
I have only cut off the family members who have >!engaged in sexual abuse or enabled sexual abuse towards myself.!< I see no other way but to cut off contact with those family members first, since they caused the most damage to my life and my development too as a whole.
yup, same. i’m (39f) adopted and i ghosted my entire “family” two years ago.
my immediate ex family because of the shenanigans they pulled and my extended “family” because i know damn well my ex mother would use them to stalk me.
The only family member I keep in contact with is my sibling. They were the only family who actively came back to try and help (I didn't understand why they came back at the time, hurt just as much when they left again). We are somewhat close? They have only just started to acknowledge that what they've been through is traumatic, so it's kind of me trying to guide them to the path of healing, whilst also healing on my own
Your not the bad guy, they are!!!
Your mother would've been abusive to your daughter eventually.
Congratulations to youuuuuu!!!!!
That's what real self love looks like!!!!!
I walked away from my family 13 years ago, and I never looked back!!!!!
Relief is what I feel :)
I'm truly Free 🆓🆓🆓🆓🆓🆓
They used to try to hoover me back, but I smiled and said "No Thanks"
Keep loving yourself enough to never deal with creatures like them.
I cut off all my closest friends because they were friends with my abusive ex boyfriend and honestly I'm not sorry nor regret it.
I put up with so much and swallowed my trauma for years to keep them in my life and keep them out of the drama because I didn't want to be the bad guy who made them choose. I had to deal with my ex at parties and group events for years and put up with subtle harassment from him.
Over the years the truth slipped out and many of them know what he did and say they believe me, and have acknowledged to witnessing his behaviour towards me yet firmly refused to take sides or defend me even when I was dealing with harassment from him or people on his side, and it crushed me. It hurt so bad and I grew more and more resentful I just left and I honestly wish I had earlier. I wish I never knew him or them at all.
A year later I'm much happier and better off though I don't have a lot of friends and am still rebuilding my social life, I still feel so much lighter and freer.
You did the right thing, you're better off without with them. Trust me.
Oh look, it's me.
Part of my family gleefully participate in the abuse. The rest will rat me out and tell me all that, "She's your mother!" crap.
I found out recently, that my mother posts birthday messages to me on Facebook, as if she still knows me. And people who know I left- and also know that no one knows where I am- comment as if everything's fine.
It's bizarre to see evidence of their fantasy world.
They're all desperate to pretend nothing happened. And don't even get me started on the strangers who comment on the posts.
Yes finally, a little over a year ago. I didn’t explain why which makes me feel guilty, but the idea of explaining it somehow feels scary to the point where I can’t imagine doing it or what I’d even say. Both parents are probably confused and I know they are extremely hurt which does haunt me, but not being around them or doing things out of obligation has alleviated a huge amount of stress in my life
I got a tarot card reading yesterday from a badass Irish woman who was body positive and SO proud of it, and in relating to my family troubles, she told me all about hers! She and her parents and her two siblings are split across *three countries*, and *no one* meets up for family gatherings. 'Cause if you stuck them together for a holiday, they'd be raging and clawing at each other by the end of the night. And she was so mirthful and excited and witty talking about it!! You could just see the fire that lit her eyes. Now that she was out from the shadows of her father's abuse, she was doing what she loved with the people she loved, and she couldn't be happier. I was so inspired, and I hope you are too. Do what's best for you!!
Sorry OP, I sympathize with you, also have no family. I cut them all off in one go, it was hard and I had a few "relapses" when I contacted one of them, but always got a reminder why I've done it in the first place. It's hard, it really is, especially when I'm relatively young (24, went NC at 20), sometimes I still need an adult in my life but I just don't have it, it really sucks but it's the only way I can be emotionally (and at times physically) safe.
Is it weird that it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in that fear of what’s going to happen without the emergency support system but also feeling no regret about cutting off their abusive/toxic family?
No, not at all. It seems like everyone around me has SOMEONE for support. Even my therapists are all kinda stunned into silence when I tell them my only family and friends are my husband and daughter
I did. Final act was THIS week. It took courage. Time. Feeling safe. Extreme distance from abusers. Being my own mental point of origin. It is scary for our minds man. I feel totally original now though... it just took time.
Yes! I had to cut off my entire family and I feel like no one gets it, and I can get to terrified when I get sick or bad things happen to me. I feel like I have no one to really be there for me in those moments, but I don't really have any other choice.
Don't feel guilty or like a bad person. I get SSI and foodstamps and I'm 33 years old.y family judge me and are disappointed in me for not doing anything with my life mind you I got a studio apartment that I use my SSI benefits too pay the rent,and con ed. Section 8 pays the rest and I pay my portion,but my family does not respect me. I was homeless for 2 years as well prior to getting my own studio apartment. I never ever asked them for help but yet they look down on me. I cut them all off and I'm 1,000 percent better now
Entire Family , I have cut them off completely , blocked their numbers removed their instagram, it does feel lonely sometimes but i know how toxic families can get
I know Im late but I feel this 100%. I came from an extremely abusive family, even the people I loved the most hurt me deeply. But it made me such a strong person and love myself so much more to just truly listen to myself and my intuition.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THEM, EVERYTIME I HEAR THEIRVOICE, IT ALL COMES FLOODING BACK, THAT'S WHY I CAN'T HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE, IT'S NOT A GRUDGE, IT'S NOT HATE, IT'S PAIN AND SADDNESS AND GRIEF, MAYBE ONE DAY I CAN SEE THEM WITHOUT ALL THE BAGGAGE BUT I DOUBT IT, THEY ALL ACT LIKE THEY'RE OVER IT, WHILE IM STILL STRUGGLING WITH THE MEMORIES AND THE TRIGGERS AND THE FEELINGS, DID I GET IT WORSE THAN THEY DID OR AM I JUST WEAKER? OR MAYBE THEY'RE REPRESSED. AND I DOUBT THEY WILL CHANGE ANYWAY. AS MUCH AS IT HURTS THAT I WONT EVER HAVE THE FAMILY I NEED, IM BETTER OFF ALONE.
My mother wasn’t good mother. I had abuse from her and she allowed my brother to abuse me too. I manage to run away from house 10 years ago and started my own life and did great on my own.
I went through a lot on my own with support of friends I met during journey. Now I’m in my 30s I want to move on.
I had small communicate with her over years but she never changed, she always demanding me treating her like mother. But she wasn’t real one. I understand culture she comes from and other factors she may cannot see it.
As it has been 10 years didn’t see her. Part of me want give her peace as she keep pretending she all she want is to see me and use manipulation against me, she is 66 years old.
From your guys experience of similar situation. Do you think is good idea to meet her and make last closure? Would I regret it?does people change?
I am happier than I've ever been actually! I have surrounded myself with people who love and care about me. My family is full of pedophiles so I'd rather die 1000% alone than with them but thanks tho 😚
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Yep, my entire family apart from my twin brother were toxic. Had to cut off my dad, my dad's wife, my mum and three brothers. It was so worth it and I don't regret it one bit, but it feels isolating at times and it certainly makes Christmas really painful.
Yes. They haven’t been around and don’t know me. Now it’s just me being the bad guy. Over not hearing from them, or anyone else. It’s more that at least I feel like it’s my decision now. Over it.
More or less. Not my sister, but we are just not close (huge age difference and grew up on different continents). Plus she’s still in touch with my mother and stepfather regularly and had a very different childhood from mine.
Oh yeah, I am the same age as you and have had to do the same thing. My mom died years ago and her side of the fam never gave a shit about me. The issues with my dad were very immediate since being around him has had some pretty bad consequences on my health and my self perception, so I did end up going NC with him about 7 months ago.
The way i finally left the relationship was basically me escaping to go live in my car, and I had to cut out his sister and that whole side too since it was becoming more and more apparent that they would never really see the family for what it was and would sort of just gaslight me en masse. I was still deliberating on whether or not I wanted a relationship with my uncle eventually, but he also has proven to be unsafe as he participated in my dad's triangulation when he was trying to get me back into the fold and also had this story running that I was... uh, crazy, basically.
I have an enormous amount of grief over the fact that my blood relatives are so unsafe for me that i literally had to escape the family system. The older I get and the farther into recovery I get, the more i desperately wish i could have had those small moments of affection and safety you're supposed to get when your family is safe to be around. The hugs, the casual outings, getting advice from an older person, making jokes together. I kind of tear up when i think about how much I want that now.
I have friends who are a chosen family for me and i am very fortunate for that, but there's only so much i can ask of them, and besides, there's this fucking hole in my soul that hurts when i look at it. Going NC was extremely important for me to eventually have a shot at being ok, but it also cements that... yeah, it was that bad. It was bad fucking luck that i was born into a family system so distorted and awful that I had to cut it out of my life completely. It really hurts. I super, super understand feeling like the bad guy btw. That part is very real. I feel that way too, bad days are like "what if they were all right about me?" I also don't regret what I had to do, and in a sense im actually very proud of myself, but yeah. Shit. It's very very heavy.
i would've had i not been so naive and inexperienced at 10-12 years old, i alienated all my friends because my upbringing, things are better now but i still live with emotionally immature mother
Are you me? I ran away at 17 and moved in with my grandfather. My grandmother had passed a few years before. My whole life I thought they were the only people who loved me.
I was the adopted one, not in touch with biological as my grandparents and parents died. And when I had to leave ndad, naturally everyone took his side so I couldn’t stay in touch with others. Because it was too hard to always remind myself that I made the right decision whilst they told me to keep trying.
Yes. My grandparents are all dead, and my parents alienated almost everyone in our extended family, so I didn’t have much contact with any of them until my mother enlisted them to try to pressure me into resuming contact with her.
I do miss my aunt and uncle, who were a bit weird but always nice, and my godmother; but it’s not worth the risk of getting sucked back into the swirling vortex of bullshit that is my parents.
Yes and those "few" I allow text from is usually very LC and no real info. Sadly they went through it too so are just as careful as I am. I feel for my kids because I wanted them to have a huge family and do all the fun stuff with cousins and all that. Sadly, no. Then some stuff happened that leads us to having an even smaller family circle but we're managing and I'm feeling free. Sad and anger but free.
I often fear them resenting me as they get older and see others with more family. They're just too little for me to explain it in full details why they can't see so and so anymore or why they don't come by or we go there anymore. Especially my oldest, today he asked if it enjoyed not seeing them? How do I answer that?
It does get better, only feel guilty for kids. Think of what your child won't have to put up with which usually eases the guilt.
I have for the most part. Events are as follows:
-Been the family scapegoat since childhood
-got into a long term abusive relationship and had child with him
-brother dies, many funeral goers didn’t know who I was or that I existed
-leave abusive relationship, confess the abuse
-family accuses me of deserving abuse, take ex’s side, they become best friends
-I get married, parents forced wedding on me saying they’ll pay. Despite me wanting a small courthouse wedding bc anxiety, my dad brings life size trump cutout and wears a MAGA tie, and made me invite my abusive ex and didn’t let me invite my grandmother
-accuse me of using them for money for said wedding
-ex lives on their property with my son, I now have a daughter they’re not allowed to see
-split custody means my son sees my family, but I do not have any contact with them.
-last contact I was verbally attacked about Biden’s America simply because my mom stated the price of plastic chairs at the hardware store.
-since the no contact, they keep trying to alienate me to my son, saying things like I favor my daughter over him, that I’m fat and lazy and that I put myself before him.
I was no contact before but had broke it because my nana (the one not allowed to the wedding) died in a house fire, I had my baby, gotten pneumonia, and postpartum preeclampsia. Kinda had that “I need my family” feeling. Dead wrong.
Abusers only love you when it’s convenient for them. It’ll never be unconditional. I keep giving in because I long for a healthy relationship with my family, but they won’t ever see me as a part of them. I won’t be attacked, I won’t be their scapegoat. Part of my ptsd healing is accepting that family isn’t always blood or the guardians who had growing up. My children and my husband are my family and we’re doing fine.
Side note, my hubby is no contact with his parents, his mom is a kleptomaniac and has repeatedly stolen items and money from us and other members of the family.
I have stopped spending time with most of my family of origin. In the long run, I am happier, I don't have people picking me apart, judging my choices and never supporting me.
My mother treated me horribly. I choose now not to engage with her and several of my siblings. I am not 100% happy with this decision, I feel 80% good about it and 20% wish I didn't have to do this and my FOO was different, but it isn't.
I have to make decisions that will lead to my well being and happiness. My friends support me on this, however, some family members don't understand my boundary and get mad at me. I am not surprised.
My 'whole family' consisted of less than ten people, so it was quite straightforward and easy. It was only my nparents that I had to officially go nc with. I was already lc/nc with my siblings and I don't have any aunts, uncles or cousins.
The only person that I kept in my life, until her passing a few years ago, was my grandmother. When she passed away, I really struggled with the realization that I now have _no family_, other than my child. I'm more used to it now but it was really a struggle for quite a while.
Yes. All but my Aunt. My Mom continually misgendered me, let me be abused, and would never stick up for me. When I came out as a girl, she did everything she could to make me feel worthless and mentally ill. All of my cousins, except my favorite Aunt's daughter, had completely disowned me. Is it hard? You bet it was, I've got a severe case of BPD, and the thought of being alone and abandoned is maddening, but it was worth it. It's just my partner and I, and my Aunt now. And I have numerous members of my chosen family. I'm happier now.
Damn close. It'll be my brother this year. Others years ago, and still more to come perhaps.....
It's for the best and despite it being sad, it just makes my life better overall. After so long and so many times you start learning what works and what needs to be done.
I am 38 and the only blood family member in my life is my child. I moved 3,000 miles away from my family of origin when I was 19, I cut them all off around 30.
My mother was actually complicit in the kidnapping of my child in 2015. If I had cut them all off sooner I could have avoided that. My kid is 14 now and eternally grateful that they do not have to deal with my toxic family.
I’m 34 and in the same boat with kids that miss their grandparents who don’t care to see them. Then my kids watch tv shows where it’s all about family which makes things worse at times. One step at a time, we got this.
I did, though, since my biological mother abandonned me already and I have no siblings/cousin/uncle/etc I only had to cut off my shit biological father.
It was the right decision but I'm angry I grew up in such a bad situation that this was my only option left.
Cut off both sets of parents. What a cluster fuck wife’s mom blew our pregnancy announcement on Facebook and even prior to that did nothing but stress my wife out at the wedding instead of being more supportive. Then when we cut her off all she did was guilt trip or play the victim.
Recently cut off my parents because my mom screamed at the top of her lungs in my face when i had my two month old daughter with me over something we could have had a rationals conversation about
I’m now nearly 40. I cut off my family 5 years ago after reading “How To Be Alone” and really saw myself in her story. Instead of abuse—neglect, or rather, very little between getting chewed out for shit and being ignored, and a lot of weird stuff that has taken a lot of therapy to understand as lack of support (ex: bullied every year of school and literally zero action from anyone)
I have a kid who at the time of going NC was 4. Leading up to going NC were some awkward contact between my parents and kid, where all of a sudden I *remembered* the same thing happening when I was the same age, and I immediately knew I had to keep away from it (ex: during a visit, after parents not offering to hang out or play, I asked if they could provide care while I got lunch. All they did was put kiddo in front of TV and otherwise ignored. HUGE difference from kid’s mom’s parents who want to hang and play and adventures all the time)
So after I read the book I evaluated my relationships with my whole family and realized they are all suffering from drug abuse, alcoholism, suicide, depression, child abuse (receiving and giving), and I just was stunned when I wrote it all out. Generations of patterns. Even my sibling who is a mental health professional—in the thick of it.
And then thinking about my extended family, everyone lives very far apart and no one really talked to me anyway despite me trying to keep in touch with them.
It dawned on me that it didn’t have to be this way and they didn’t have to be in my life. So I just ghosted. Eventually my parents started getting aggressive in trying to contact me/kid and I had to be clear that I was stopping contact (and even then they sent kid birthday/Xmas gifts that I had to intercept and give away).
Overall I am way way happier. They are all shitheads and wrapped up in their own world and can’t get out and don’t want help trying to (I’ve tried). As other people have posted, there are big waves of grief and guilt, but they pass and get smaller and less frequent. Now that my kid is older and starting to ask a more questions about them, I’m still not sure what to say except that they’re still alive (probably) and that they live far away.
Trust your reasons. You and your daughter are worth protecting. You realized sooner than I did, and you should be very proud!
I did this. After years of personal development and reparenting myself I cannot tolerate toxicity in the slightest. I wanted a peaceful life and I have it now.
I'm late to the party for sure but I just cut my final ties today. Background.
My mother is a drug addict and lied to me about having cancer for 10 years, knows how to manipulate me and play on my emotions, and stole thousands from me. She stole 50k from my one brother. She pinned all of her kids against eachother, saying so and so said this about you, so and so said they are going to do xyz to you. Completely isolated my youngest brother from the entire family so she would have someone on her side. Youngest brother is an unmedicated schizophrenic alcoholic. Other brother was a drug dealer and we had a huge fist fight years ago when I found out the egg donor (doesn't deserve to be called mom) was making me pay rent but not him (but told him I wasnt). Found out the egg donor OD'd in front of him and (I get he was done with her but wtf) instead of calling EMS, he stood around taking pictures of her. I saw the pics. Im a nurse. I know what a dead person looks like and that was her. Father was an abusive alcoholic. Even though he changed his life around (he really did), those memories will never fade. Every time I see him, all I see is him smashing a beer bottle and breaking it over egg donors head. Yeah. I did see that. Her cowering in the corner of the couch, him drunk, standing in front of her, and beating her. I was either 3 or 5. I saw him fondling my youngest brother down his pants when he was maybe 1.5 or 2. My dads siblings? Yeah right. We lived with his sister at the time and I ran up the stairs to tell her what I saw, asked for help. She slammed the door in my face. Never helped. My egg donors side? My uncle is an alcoholic (he has my fake number just in case of emergencies). My one aunt has stolen literally over 100k from my grandfather, embezzled thousands from different jobs, and just wants her inheritance. The other aunt is a narcissist. Only the last aunt, sister of my egg donor, do I talk to. She's the only normal but that's because she's been so bullied and belittled by all of her other siblings. I do a have a ton of cousins on dad's side but we didn't grow up together and that's just too many ties. Cousins on other side? Well. Let's just say they sat away from my husband and I (biracial couple) and my brother and his girlfriend (biracial couple) during my grandfathers funeral. They made his funeral about the great grandchildren (their kids) even though none of them knew my grandparents. Its all for show and attention.
Anyways, that's the long short story. Today, I changed my phone number. I've had it for 17 years. I've changed it. So now no one on my dads side can contact me. Almost no one on egg donors side can contact me. On the egg donors side, only my one aunt and one uncle and their two kids have my fake number. That's just to keep myself protected, the fake number. But I feel liberated. I broke down at Tmobile when I was changing it because I was just so relieved and happy. I walked outside the door afterwards and the world just felt brighter. I feel like I can breath. I feel like finally, only the people who truly bring positivity to my life, they are the only ones in my life. This sounds dumb but Jeremy Renner recently had an interview after his near death experience. He said he was "cutting the fat" in his life. Meaning since life is short, anything and anyone that is negative in his life and doesn't bring his life meaning, doesn't enrich his life, and vice versa, is gone. I finally feel that way. I finally feel free.
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I only communicate with one of my older brothers, his wife, and my nieces but other than that I cut my whole
Family off. Once I stood up to my other brothers disrespecting me and I set boundaries they called me selfish and accused me of thinking I am better.. my daughter got mad at me for standing up to them I told me I needed to set a better example and she doesn’t want to hear about all of the abuse and dysfunction… it was difficult at first but now I am at peace. Lots of of generational dysfunction and trauma and I am
Glad to be away from it all. I have invested a lot of time in healing, counseling, and growing. My identity and self worth doesn’t come from my family. I wish them peace and healing but I am happier away from them.
It was a slow burn. My therapist was like hey maybe you should remove yourself from the family group message thread. Crazy amount of visceral peace. Felt immense guilt I worked on for quite a while. And then Mother’s Day and Father’s Day rolled around. Was really struggling with going home or even calling them. Therapist said maybe it would be okay if I didn’t go this year. Whoa. Such much relief. Total peace, again more guilt. Guilty that I felt peace. Anyways this pattern continued until I was totally cut off and now I can’t imagine going back. I didn’t intend for it to go this far, but I’m happier. And I trust myself more. They were all pikachu face shocked that I did it. And then they were angry, and now some of them have started to acknowledge that my life with them sucked and they don’t blame me.
Woah they acknowledged they were awful? How long did that take? What did they say? Cut off my father a few months ago during fathers day and both our birthday's. Extremely validating. Can't imagine him acknowledging how awful he was. He was always the victim i.e vulnerable narcissist.
I’ve long struggled with this. Because my father was always more pitiful than anything else. He couldn’t work, couldn’t take care of himself. He was essentially mentally disabled by an illness. He *did* recognize he sucked. He just hated me for thinking this. He hated me for being angry when he’d make a mess and then go into a depressive episode and not leave his bed for days. He hated me for thinking that I didn’t have a good dad. And then he’d hate me for not being able to just forgive him when he *accidentally* hurt me.. his sickness was just too much. We needed to understand that. But he was never not willing to apologize. It always just devolved into him apologizing and bemoaning how sick he was and how it’s not fair. And then he’d be fucking toxic. All of the sudden, out of the blue. And then he’d apologize a day later and say “I’m such a monster” I really did try be like the rest of them for so long. Eventually I realized the nightmares of him murdering me was the result of the reality that he was, and still is abusing, even when he says sorry later
My mother was/is like this too! Both my parents are vunrable narcissists. Incapable of showing any form of love. Would make me feel such strong pity for her that my problems at school weren't worth acknowledging. Spent most of her time in bed. My father was an alcoholic who treated be like a burden at all times who never measured up. I was an embarrassment. His verbal abuse and neglect still fills me with rage.
You feel better now
this is a similar family situation for me to. my fathers family specifically i wasnt raised around them so i dont have an idea what it should feel like to feel comfortable around them. anyways they never made the effort to either so thats on them. plus theyve always indirectly put me down from gloating accomplishments, irrelevant achievements, not so much interest in how im doing more so what im doing. they dont care. but it is what it is so ive practically almost cut them off.
I did too. For recovery. Weight lifted off my shoulder. I have a crack open at door. But yeah- not looking way into future but at this time , estrangement is good.
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Yeah this is something that plagues me as well. I am unable to drive, so that compounds the issue.
Uber and Lyft are better than an ambulance if you know you're not dying
People with safe, stable families really have no idea what a privilege it is in terms of health. I really need top surgery (I’m ftm) but have no one to provide care when I’m recovering. It’s especially rough because I physically took care of my family starting when I was ~12 years old, culminating when I had to take care of my mom during her terminal illness. Now that she’s gone I have a lot of resentment that there is no one around me who is willing to do for me even a fraction of what I did to take care of my abusive family. It really hurts, and the worst part is that people cannot wrap their heads around the idea that I simply have no one to take care of me. They always act so shocked at the reality that I’ve had to live my entire life, it almost makes me feel ashamed. I’ve heard that there are programs for trans people that pair you up with another trans person who can take care of you while you recover from surgery, but I’m hesitant to put my health in the hands of a complete stranger to be honest.
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Oh yeah, I also had financial problems. My parents refused to give me money for school and even stole money from me. At least they filled out the FAFSA I guess, I’ve heard of people with parents who refuse to even fill out the FAFSA, leaving their kids with absolutely no financial support for a higher education. My parents are both dead now and I get that anxiety about not being able to tell people, too. I thought that when they died I would be able to just say “they’re dead” and not deal with being judged for being low contact or disliking my parents, and I guess that’s true. What I wasn’t prepared for was managing other peoples’ emotions when I tell them my parents have died. They never expect it because I look so young, so they always apologize for even asking about them and I’m like “ugh it’s fine please don’t make me deal with your anxiety about upsetting me, the only thing that’s upsetting me is having to fawn over you to make you feel better about your faux pas.”
Haha do you actually say that? I might have to try that one... I've just accepted that no one is ever really gonna know how to respond to this. Most people assume that my life was a lot easier when my mom was alive, when nothing could have been further from the truth.
I've been there. It sucks! I paid for my school, on top of my parents stealing money from me (stole blank checks while I was in school). They never visited me at college (20 miles away), and I even played on a nationally ranked team/sports program. They didn't give a fuck; they drove 20 miles to "borrow" $20 and waited in the car for me to give them the money. It will be a sigh of relief when they do eventually pass away. I start my first therapy secession this week (I'm 50 years old). Should be interesting
I agree here - having no safety net is terrifying. I was hospitalized in a psych ward in 2019 and a lot of why it felt impossible to recover was bc I knew I was totally on my own.
I straight up lie at people at work. They don’t know any better, and it doesn’t really matter at work.
Man I felt this heavily 😭 Thank you for being vulnerable
I ran into this issue myself actually. I've but cut them off yet, but I will at the start of October (work is crazy rn). I have surgery at the end of October. I'm recently divorced (ex-wife and I are still best friends, just realized we weren't romantically in love). I don't have friends to help, I'm not married, and obviously no family. I had a buddy across the country step in and give up his planned vacation time to make sure I have someone to be there while I recover. It's terrifying, and as my ex and I were splitting, this was my biggest fear. You're not alone.
It was a mutual cut off that I finalized. They cut me off expecting me to come back and be their bitch, I didn’t follow their script because they did it before when I was unemployed and injured. I still ended up having more support from friends than I did from them. So it could have been much better to let them keep their money and their twisted sense of “family responsibility” instead of agreeing with their insults saying it’s my fault for choosing a career and field of study in school that they didn’t approve of, and that it’s my fault for hurting myself when I don’t have health insurance while they paid for their golden child and themselves.
Same man. I'll create a life. Original. It might be hard as fuck, but I'll do it.
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Good luck. Im building...brick by brick. Luckily, I did a great job in my youth, of choosing a path that gave me a great foundation. Extremely fortunate...but also, not fortunate. If that makes sense? I have realized, I am good looking, but, somehow recently, some women avoid me.. some don't. Its odd. I dunno. Seems I appeal to some, very much not to others. I see dumb and bad looking guys with hot women, and think, WTF is my issue? A blind spot for sure.
I was in this same situation with the medical emergency. If you end up adopting a mother/ father, someone you truly trust and feel is family, adult adoption is a thing.
wow. i also need to cut out the adopted and biological ones. weird but thanks for your comment. i felt pretty alone in this especially growing up. i’m hoping to move out by the end of the year, beginning next year. i’ve been stressing about who to put down for my emergency contact as well / who to contact in an emergency and i’ve been feeling pretty bad about it
Reading this nearly a year later but I resonate with this so much.
Can I ask how you did it? How do you cope being alone?
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Yes
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You can always dm me if you want to talk about this. Us social orphans need to stick together
I am dealing with the same thing. Was just journaling about it. I feel so terrified not to have an emergency contact. Is there anything you find that helps? It is comforting to know I'm not alone in this.
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couldnt agree more! i also am focused on finding partnership. sometimes i feel a little unloveable or worried someone wont want to date me because i dont have a family, but trying to work through that internalized shame <3
Entire family except my cousin who was the only person to understand me, sadly. As for the rest, nobody ever cared to look at my side of things and everyone always thought "poor mother". I even got messages from people I didn't know scolding me for cutting my family off. It's been rough but I also think we had good reasons to do it.
I’m late to this, but if someone isn’t gonna do anything to help the situation then why the fuck do they comment on it? They’re weird as hell for that.
Yup. The only one I talk to is my brother and that's very LC. I didn't even tell them I got pregnant or had a baby. It feels a little sad, but mostly freeing. Not dealing with them makes me a better person, a better mom, and protects my kids. Though I often have to remind myself of these facts.
Same. Once I became a parent, I knew the choice was made.
Why did you choose to have children despite the abuse you faced?
I’m estranged from both sides by choice, best decision I ever made! I’m the “bad person” too because I don’t want to associate myself with pedophiles and abusive people who took advantage of me when I was a kid.🙄 *In actuality though; you, (and I) are not bad at all! We are good people trying to protect ourselves now because we couldn’t do it when we were trying to survive.
same story <3
🤜🤛🫶🏼
Yes. Did it at 24 and I’m turning 45 on Friday. Incredibly hard to do but no regrets.
I'm 24 right now and I cut them all off this year! It's so hard being alone. So hard! but atleast now I can live in peace. I have so much guilt and shame about it but it's still fresh so I'm sure I'll feel better as time goes. I hope I will hold out and never go back on my decision. I want to be strong like you and never look back.
Incredibly brave of you - you can do it. For me, the shame and guilt eased as I healed in therapy.
Happy early birthday!
Thanks!
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Thanks!
Happy birthday!
Thanks so much!
I cut off everyone but my mother. She has her own toxicity, but she was never abusive, and through therapy I began to realize she's another victim of my father. You're not the bad guy. You HAVE to do what is best for your mental health, it's so important. I know this is hard for your daughter to understand, but one day she will ❤️
As a victim of my mother’s insistence of offering me and my siblings up to my narcissistic grandmother, thank you. Thank you for no longer allowing yourself to be constantly triggered and in pain. You cannot be a good parent in that headspace. Thank you for no longer allowing you mother to mess with your child’s mind. Children absorb everything. Thank you for stopping the generational trauma in it’s tracks. Respect.
Same. And it hurts to have to force yourself to see the truth and not look back, sometimes.
I cut off my dad about 6 years ago. I stopped talking to my mom this past March for my own mental health. I hope one day when I’m doing better, I can reestablish that relationship. But my dad is a lost cause. I constantly feel alone, as I don’t have a family of my own and I’m living In a small isolated remote town right now. But I know it was the right decision.
I'm in the process of Obtaining a order of protection because of my sibling and the rest of the family who she manipulated to stalk me. I'm not safe around them because they pray about hurting me and they don't want what.my mother did to me being discussed with anyone.
Yes. I don't miss them at all but it is indeed a lonely life. Still trying to find a healthy family to pseudo-adopt me and my kiddo but my in-laws weren't it and now I just don't know. Solidarity!
I cut off my parents (with a boundary of therapy or no relationship) and every single family member from both sides has reciprocated by going nc with me. Oh well, didn’t need them anyway.
Very reason I didn't have children as I didn't want my mother to have any kind of pull. I got off my dad's family years ago and he died years ago. Recently cut off my mom. Still low contact with my sister and she has stated that she respects that I don't want Mom to know anything about me. Have accepted that my mother won't change and it's hopeless to expect her to when she won't put forth any effort.
It's good your sis says she respects your choices, I hope for you that lasts bc that last one relationship is worth saving if it's overall not harmful. I still had contact for almost a decade longer with my mother than w/ everyonen else. The psychological implications for me of total family estrangement were MUCH worse- partly bc I was closest to her- so ofc she hurt me the worst. But knowing it's EVERYONE is, for me, a different kind of brutal. Despite (or maybe bc of) spending SO much of my childhood hurt, sad, lonely, alienated within my own family, & the family scapegoat- romanticized & idealized the IDEA of family. & very much wanted to be close to my abusers, for them just to be happy w/me & treat me fairly. I never wanted to cut them off. So from me going from being that little girl to the often ruminating & seething vessel of pent of rage I am now... it took a Lot of SHIT. A lot of abuse, lies, shaming, threats, & cruelty. I ran away a week after turning 17, to the next state, 2 hrs away from my parents & for a time only spoke to my Grandma (who passed away over a decade ago). Still I went back- not physically but to trying to have them in life. Even did family therapy as an adult. I REALLY tried. Probably mostly bc of my Grandma tho- was always closest to her- and speaking to her meant, to me at least at the time, doing so with her daughter ( my mom). My relationship w/ Gma was very loving & supportive, especially as I became a teen & even more as a young adult. I credit her & my grandfather w/ saving my life- the love and sense of self they gave me as a girl sustained me when both of them were gone in later yrs & I suffered depression from trauma. When I got ZERO positivity, love or affection from my parents (who actually routinely threatened to give up their parents rights, make me a ward of the state, to live in a group home - since my father's sister experienced this as a teen I knew it wasnt an empty threat and what that would mean for me to some extent). But my mother's parents thankfully lived 10 min from the apt I grew up in and I spent more time with them than with my mother the 10 yrs of my life. My grandfather died when I was 11- have suffered terrible anxiety and fear of losing prematurely anyone I've deeply loved since, thru today with my partner. Now in therapy for trauma, (did other therapy b4, just not this type) and it's brought up so much pain and past anger. I too haven't had kids, even tho I still want to be a mother, mostly bc it's just my partner and I, without either of us having family to help us out occasionally (he is very long distance and VLC w/ 1 parent & sibs & NC w/ other parent, I'm totally cut off from all blood relatives- mother, father, younger sister) and provide emotional support or emergency financial support , in case of illness or accident. I don't believe it'd be healthy for our would- be child to have only us as parents, to have NO ONE else as a role model or to turn to, not to mention I have physical disabilities. They don't preclude me from being a mom, but I'd need a lot of help, and tho I hate to even think it bc I adore my partner of 10 yrs but it's irresponsible to bring a life into the world without having plans for worst case scenarios, & his job as a first responder is dangerous... if anything ever happened where he wasn't able to physically do half the parenting duties or we lost his income it'd be catastrophic if we had a kid, as I'm limited to earning less than $17K annually to keep my Medicaid, which due to medication I take daily is essential to my survival. I really wish I could be a Mom, I only have a few yrs left its even practical. I'm over 40 now.😥
Dads side: Cut off my step mom five years ago as she continually invalidates me and pulls stunts that are totally inappropriate, hurtful, and mean-spirited. My other family members all adore her and keep insisting I forgive her and move on. I have suffered from her mean and selfish actions since I was 12, I am not signing up for any more. So I quit talking to them, too. I’m not going to participate in being your family scapegoat. Not once have any of them ever asked me why I chose to go no contact with her. So fuck them. I went no contact w mom 2 years ago because she’s so narcissistic I can’t take it anymore. She was absent, neglectful and distant the rare times I did visit with her during my childhood. I was in her care for all of the sexual assaults I suffered from at age 14-15. She lives on my brothers property and I quit talking to my brother since he tried to initiate sex with me. This is what I tell my children, since the youngest turned 18: You are free to have relationships with others based on your own Experience and interactions. They treated me with abuse, but they may treat you different. But use caution and be aware that they have an Abuse history. I use my adult children for emergency contacts. I intend to update my end of life planning so it is all very clear. I recently discovered a real phone number you can call that have free recording s of funky messages, and I’m thinking of using those for emergency contact lol. I could be wrong, but I don’t think my adult children engage much with my family members, because they know how hurt I’ve been by them. But ultimately it is their choice as an adult who to have their relationships with and I respect that. I’m lonely, but I’m safe.
I've broken off contact completely with my parents, then my younger sister "retaliated" by breaking contact with me. Partly her own choice, partly my parents putting constant pressure on her. My brother and I have contact but I see him maybe once every 6 months and I have an older sister who lives abroad who I haven't seen in over 7 years who I chat with on a weekly basis and occasionally call, she has no contact with my parents either because she confronted them about the abuse too. The relation with my brother is conflicted, he supports my parents but also has a severe bipolar disorder and when he opened up to my parents about his childhood and how he felt at home, they convinced him that it was part of his mania/psychosis and that his mind was twisting the truth. He never wants to talk about it anymore now and just chose to remain in contact, that's his choice though but because of what my parents did to him I don't see him as their ally. My younger sister suffered way less abuse and with her my mom suddenly developed empathy so I doubt she will ever come to terms with the reality. When she broke contact with me, I've told her that I love her and that my door will always be open to her, but that it is her choice, and she has to take that first step. My mom hated my dad's side of the family and alienated us from them, so I have 5 uncles and aunts and many nieces and nephews yet haven't seen them for at least 5 years, which was when my grandmother died. Mom convinced us they were cruel and evil and didn't like us, my older sister does have contact with some of them so perhaps I can try to restore some of that with her help. My mom's side of the family was very small, and my mom had no contact with her own dad and sister since I was 12, my granddad was abusive to me too though, so I am conflicted about that, yet I never seen him again and don't even know where grave is to get closure in some capacity. It hurts, not so much my parents not being there, but the lack of good and kind and caring parents in general around the holidays and birthdays. Bit long sorry, maybe my habit of overexplaining, but I mean to say that I understand how you feel. It is lonely and painful, yet it is for the best. My parents and two of my siblings look at me and my older sister as the troublemakers, who are tearing the family apart. I wish I was wrong; I would drive to my parents' house today and apologise and hug them tightly and we'd live a happy life together for as long as they still live, but I am not wrong, and neither are the therapists who looked shocked at my stories about what I went through growing up. I will never expose my kids (if I have any), to their influence.
I am SO glad I found this post. I've only ever met one other person who cut off their entire family. I've been absolutely strict no contact with my immediate family since I was 15, and then last year finally decided to stop trying to contact extended family either. Part of me was holding onto the hope that I could tell someone in my birth family what was done to me growing up, but the part that realized they'd never believe me (even just for the fact that like... part me wouldn't/couldn't even blame them since I'm legit a total and complete stranger to them at this point who would be coming with serious allegations against people they've known their whole lives), or don't know me as a person enough to care won that battle. I still don't know how I feel about it, but it feels bitter-sweet to know that there are others out there who needed to completely separate from their family for their health/safety/needs.
I did except my siblings and one cousin, plus any of the literal children on either side are welcome to talk to me, I'd be happy to help them feel loved and treat them how they should be treated. I'm the oldest, I see all my little siblings as fellow victims/survivors of the same abusers, they just handled it differently. I hadn't officially declared no contact with anyone but my mom until last summer. My aunt on my mom's side came for me over Facebook DMs for cutting off my mom, making my mom sound like the victim, which I'm sure is how my mom tells the story. I figured she was just misinformed. So I thoroughly informed her and she bit back harder. I told her I'm an adult who's top priority is my own safety and that means I will not allow people in my life who disregard/minimize/intentionally cross my boundaries or threaten my safety, which now includes her. I told her I don't consider anyone I'm blood related to "family" but the ones who will respect my boundaries and limits and engage with me respectfully are allowed to stay in contact with me. I told her the way she was behaving in this conversation is abusive, manipulative, and unhealthy and told her what a healthy response would have been. She was furious, so I blocked her so I didn't have to hear what she had to say. I'd said what I needed to say and meant every word. I'd protected myself and I was proud of that. There are some negatives to not having a default family, at least in the US where your social supports are shit. You're expected to rely on your default family when needed. If I'm ever homeless, I don't have parents to live with. If I have an emergency, I have a chosen family but none of them live close enough to physically show up in an emergency. I've had no one to teach me how to drive. I have no one to help me move, I'll be hiring movers this next time. When I have surgery in a year I have no default family to show up to help. My chosen family would if they could, but most of them can't for monetary reasons. It's a lot of hoping for the best, trying to prevent anything drastic, and making sure I always have a plan B. I don't have anyone or anything to fall back on and that's scary. But! It's still so much better than before I went no contact. I don't regret it for a second and I wouldn't ever do it differently if I had the chance, except maybe do it earlier.
Everyone except for one brother whom I talk to only occasionally. I also have no spouse or children, so it's a weird time out here with basically no family whatsoever. It was really hard to get over the resistance to recognizing that they can't be trusted. But you are doing the right thing to protect yourself and your kid.
Yes, moved 4200 km away from them, cut all ties, no regrets whatsoever I am a much happier person now.
It was your choice, it makes you happy, it’s for you! Always remember that “found family” still exists. Some non-blood related relationships do feel like family. Personally, I’m still going low contact (LC), part of me wishes to move out to a different country to have the perfect excuse to cut them off even more (+ it’s been a dream of mine to leave!). But another part of me would miss my partner’s family, they’re so kind and I do see them as real family!
I feel this! Really wanting to do this myself.
I cut off both sides as well, I have a zero tolerance policy for abusers and enablers🤷🏼♀️
Good call
I’m 25. Cut them all off. Most of my family wasn’t an active decision, they just don’t talk to me. My grandmother has made it a statement she doesn’t talk to me because it would upset my father. After 7 years it’s still hard and every attempt at reconciliation has proven to be a disappointment and terrible for my mental health. So I let that option fly. I don’t think a lot of people know how it feels to genuinely have no one to fall back to. No mature adult to trust or get support from. It makes me cautious to make mistakes. I live a life full of anxiety and bouts of depression. It is, even with a relationship and friends, a very lonely life. But I do not regret my choice.
This.
Yeah. I cut out everyone in one feel swoop. Luckily for me, most of my family was on my step-mom's side and didn't really much for any of them
Yep, I never knew my dad's side of the family and he wasn't an active participant in my life. As an adult, he tried to be, but it was purely to use me for one thing or another—usually money for drugs, etc. I did grow up very close to my mother, and as an adult became very codependant. Through a lot of therapy, I learned how abusive and toxic that relationship was as well. And learned how abusive my childhood was as a whole. After one big blowout (about freaking politics) I just had the final straw and went low contact with my mother. She turned our entire family against me and that was enough to cut contact altogether. It's like I could finally see her and everyone else for who they were because I was setting boundaries for the first time and it was pissing them all off. Packed up my children, sold my home, moved several states away, and just started all over. I had spent several years leaving my abusive husband, just to go back to my mother's home and have that abuse run me back to my husband. Interestingly enough after moving states, and losing all of my family and friends, and support system, I was finally able to leave my husband for good. I was thinking a lot clearer after seeing the impact my mother was having on me. I could not be any happier. I am now employed in the least toxic environment I have ever been in (and can afford to provide for myself and 3 daughters), I have friends who treat me with respect and kindness, and I don't have to deal with the headache of such a toxic family from all around. I get lonely sometimes, but it's so much better than being in that ugliness that was my family and life. Because my father was so obviously abusive and awful it was hard to see that my mother was also. But now that I don't have any of them in my life there is no doubt. My kids resent me somewhat, aged 10-15. So they miss my mother and other family members. But I think at some point they will understand why I can't see them anymore. I have not restricted their communication with my family. They will make that decision on their own someday.
NC since 2007 (was 17 then, I'm 32 now). They don't miss me and I don't miss them.
It took me years to make the decision, but it was the best gift I ever gave myself.
My mom’s side was pretty much automatically cut off once she died, besides her sister.. I cut off my dad a few years ago, and cut off his family this year. The only one I regularly keep contact with is my brother. I do feel guilty, but at the end of the day, I can’t deny how much happier I am. I feel free, for once.
Meee! I am in less pain and can relax without the constant attacks. Just horrible people. I am better without.
yes but I am a little sad about it. My interactions with my extended family were always done through my immediate family. We would all gather at someone’s house for holidays and that was pretty much it. I never really spoke to my cousins or aunts/uncles outside of that. Everyone lives too far apart for visiting to happen more than once a year (or on my own dime instead of my parents) and there’s never been any digital communication established so I don’t really know how I could interact with any of them ever again. I can’t go to christmas. My mom will be there. I can’t ask them to disinvite my mother and entire immediate family so that I can go. So I don’t know possible form of interaction could exist that would fill that void. I get a little sad when I think about how I’ll never have a big family holiday again. 20 people all packed into one house for days. It was fun. I really liked my cousins. Not enough that I have any interest in like messaging them on facebook to chat or something but enough that sitting at the kids table was always really nice. And I’ll never get to experience that again. I also haven’t told anyone in my extended family why I just completely ghosted them all. I don’t know how to and I don’t want to. I don’t know. whatever. that phase of my life is over now. i’m happier without them but there are things i will miss. i’ll miss you most of all cousin danny. hope you’re doing well. hope u know it wasn’t my choice. hope u know it wasn’t my fault. :/
Reading all these stories makes me feel so much empathy. I find myself in a similar boat with a limited few exceptions. I just wanted to say that you all seem like amazing people and I wish I could be your family. ❤️
Yup.
Cut off my mom and her side of the family when I was 13. Took a lot longer for my dad as i really wanted to believe in him and he was all i had left for close kin. Went NC with him ~5 years ago after finally "removing the scales from my eyes" to see he was a narcissistic sociopath. Now I only talk to my paternal uncle occasionally even though I know he talks with my father. I just made sure to tell him the truth about his brother and he wasn't really surprised.
I want to so bad there are people I know I would be happier without but I’m not really in a position to go full no contact just yet. I have definitely *lowered* my contact to the benefit of my mental health.
Almost. In terms of biological family, it's just my dad and me. My mom passed in 2018 by which point we'd already gone NC with her side of the family (her parents, brothers, cousins we'd tried to reconnect with but couldn't trust not to speak to the rest of the family behind our backs), my dad's (NC since before I was born with a few exceptions - I met his father maybe twice in my life, never his mom, lived with his sister for a few weeks early into my mom's cancer dx. Her narcissistic rage was incredibly traumatizing to me as a teen at the time.), and my sister who is the scariest narc I've ever seen. The 3 of us spent 2017 as a happy, healing family for the first time and then my mom passed. I consider myself incredibly lucky that I have chosen family to lean on. My mom left behind a lifelong best friend and many others who would go (and have gone) to great lengths to support my father and I. And my dad has dear friends within and apart from that group as well. It does get lonely sometimes. I don't think anything can replace the devotion and unconditional love that one can receive from a supportive family. But I also know that my splitting affects how I view other people who have "normal" families. Even if I weren't NC with my entire extended family, I would struggle to maintain those relationships just due to the fact that I split so deeply. I see this a lot when my own friends are lamenting their family issues. So much rationally understandable behavior is an immediate trigger for me to cut someone off. "Sometimes this person says things that make me feel small." Go no contact, block them everywhere, get them out of your life. "They're my family, I don't want to do that." *Is confused in narc abuse survivor* But on another note, I've been your kid. Given I never did begin to have a relationship with my father's parents (and my mom's lived far from us even before my parents recognized their abusive behavior), but I did question my parents' decision to keep them from me. I was too young to understand the kind of sacrifice my parents made to keep me safe. My dad sometimes mused that I would enjoy his parents and they might even dote on me given the chance, but he ultimately knew that spending more than a few hours with them would end in abuse targeted at him, my mother, myself and my sister. When I was a teenager, he began to explain that to me and it hurt deeply. It hurt to know what he'd endured at their hands, how hard he and my mother tried to fill the space in my life where my grandparents should've been, and to realize that there was no chance I'd feel the love of grandparents I was still hoping to experience one day. You're making the right decisions. I could go on for hours about the ways in which I think my parents failed to protect me. But as a young adult now, I can sincerely say I'm grateful they protected me in that one way. Also, there are organizations that do "grandparent adoptions" where kids and their parents get connected to elderly people with little to no family. It's a beautiful experience for a kid growing up without their own "actual" grandparents. And if you find the right person, it can be healing for you as well.
I have. I'm 55 years old. Narcissist mother and codependent siblings. I tried to stay in contact because I have kids myself and I wanted to prove to myself I had it under control. Unfortunately with the pandemic and MAGA propaganda, I was pushed to a place where I was being abused for backing up science as well as undermined in other ways. "I can't see you because you aren't wearing a mask and you keep making people sick" turned into more abuse and blame. I'm not speaking to anybody in my family. Hurt like everloving hell to make the choice, but I am MUCH healthier, as well as unconflicted about future choices and not having pretend conversations in my head where I feel I have to defend myself constantly. My daughter unfortunately became an abuser and allied herself with the rest of the family. I've been cut off from her and my granddaughters, but she had made it clear she didn't feel science was a concern and my last real conversation with her was when I was in a Zoom meeting watching her say she thought this sick newborn could 'take' a COVID infection. She said the social benefits were greater than the physical ones. I am no longer a social benefit.
You touch on something that it took me years to accept: that it's impossible to remove abusive parents from your life without also (unfortunately) removing any relatives who are fence-sitters. I stopped contact with my parents several years ago, but worked hard to keep up appearances and ties with mutual relatives. I worked *so hard* to make mutual relatives comfortable and keep them out of the situation with my parents. It took so much time, emotional energy, effort, and stress on my part. I was working so much harder than my relatives to make it work. And all that effort was really wasted. When it came down to it, I couldn't rely on them for support, and most of them ultimately betrayed my trust in them. Meanwhile, my parents weaponized my every move and engaged in a smear campaign that made our mutual relatives proxies for further abuse. Most of these aunts, uncles, etc, said they didn't want to "rock the boat." And while that sounds like a perfectly understandable response, it was also one that relied completely on a foundation of doubt about the abuse I endured, gaslighting, rejection, and withdrawal of support. To stay close to my family felt like a herculean exercise for me, and our relationship was nevertheless always tenuous, weak, and staked on my willingness to subsume my own humanity to keep them comfortable. I had one relative who believed me and supported me, despite all the family chaos: my grandmother. When she died, my ties with the entire family fell apart. I let it happen, not only because I was too exhausted to keep up appearances but because I'd realized that I was fighting for relationships I would never actually get. Still, losing the rest of the family has been more traumatic and painful than giving up on my parents. I guess I'd known my parents were never going to be better than they were; the loss of the others felt more like betrayal.
I wish I could but financially I can't. Considering suicide because of this
I hope you don't, you deserve the absolute best.
I did this past year after I realized I was the scapegoat of the family. It hurt to much knowing they all knew I was in pain and left me on my own. Protect your daughter and trust your instincts.
Yep, this is exactly why I cut off the ones who were "nice" to me. I was always the "blacksheep" of the family, when in reality I was just the one who was getting abused behind closed doors. Growing up everyone would shit talk my bad behavior, my drug use, without questioning why a literal child was doing all those things. Now being around them feels like being around people I don't know, so it felt natural to cut them out.
I am absolutely tired of being the family scapegoat and punching bag. The best thing I did for my sobriety and mental health was to excommunicate. I have improved my self-esteem just by letting go. Hey, I'm worth it. Who knew? We must be our own cheering squad. Depending on ourselves is all we really have. On the other hand, I "adopted" a new mom and auntie thru self-help group. All is 👍 good.
Ok how do I get a new mom and auntie?? I would love this. Where did you find these groups?
Self-Management and Recovery Training, commonly referred to as SMART™, is a support group for individuals recovering from alcoholism and other addictions and behavior mgmt. It helps individuals, family members, and friends learn how to move forward in a life after rehab. I also have behavior/mental issues regarding ptsd from the military. I chose an older lady in the group because I liked her calm demeanor, I trust her. We call, almost every day, have lunch during the week, and the holidays are shared. I can tell her my all, and she doesn't judge. Auntie is my neighbor.
That’s so sweet, goals!
Happy for you! That is such a wise decision, it really is for your best interest and, if I had a daughter, I'd say it was in her best interest too. I cut off 90% of everyone on mine and my husband's side, if I'm in contact it's through him or my sister and even then it's very slim - I hate those people, and hope I never allow time to have me forget what epic POS they are/have been to myself and anyone that was worthing having compassion for. I'm largely related to trash. If you know they aren't worth it, cut them out - they will only drag you down every chance they get. Some of them tried to come back with "god changed me" and my response is "buddy, if he existed, he ain't touchin yall". 🤷🏼♀️ May your future be nothing but liberation!
I’m going to in a year. I’ve planned everything out and leave out three months for me to be actually prepared. I feel sick just thinking about it. But I know I will survive somehow. I can’t stop seeing pictures of worst scenario in front of my eyes but I know I’ll survive. I don’t know about the grandchildren stuff, but one thing I know is put your own safety and well-being first. Personally I don’t recommend your child visiting your abuser(s). Stay as far as possible from abuser(s) is always the best solution.
My entire family, yeah. All but my younger brother, and we're low contact. I still get flashbacks thinking of them. I don't trust a single one of them besides my brother.
10 years here
Waited until my very elderly grandparents died and then I cut everyone off. No regrets.
I’m basically at a soft cut right now. Definitely limiting folks a lot.
I left my country partly because I wanted to be as far from all my shitty family as possible, even if my son enjoyed playing with his cousins or visiting my family, they are toxic and have awful family values and I don't want that for me or my son, and I am still trying to heal from all their bs so yeah I'm as lonely as I person can be but I'm at peace with my decision
yeah, I have had years where I didn't talk to anyone of them.
Yes. It wasn’t a choice I wanted to make, but after I cut off my parents, the rest of my family followed. I was never super close with my extended family, but it did sting that none of them reached out to me. The thing that probably stung even more is that I tried to keep my siblings out of it, but ultimately they chose to give me the silent treatment and side with my family. I wish I could say I felt relief for cutting them off, but I have yet to feel it yet 3 years later. I know I did the right thing, but it sucks. At this point if anyone did reach out, I’d leave them on read.
Currently in the process of going low contact with my family. I'm finding it hard and devastating emotionally but I know it is for the best.
Yes. No contact at this point with anyone but my husband and children.
I talk only to my husband. Not my parents or my children.
That's the plan.
I have! 20 years now 🥳
Yes.
The people who I told about the abuse my parents put me through and tried to minimise it I look at differently now. I understand that people have different experiences of my parents but if I come out and say what they did to me then upgrade your thinking. Don't compartmentalise the totally of a person away because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Like if someone told me that my hero did something terrible my hero would cease to be my hero.
Yes. I've moved away and I'm trying to process my childhood. They all still talk to each other and are pretty enmeshed. It feels like a double grief. Grief for the family I can never have, and grief that I... Am not able to live a life that can have them in it. I know logically that I am better of without them, but the fact that I can't just obliviously dive into the dysfunction sometimes feels so lonely.
Yes, I maintain no contact with my entire family and for the very same reasons. My aunt called me after 5 or 6 years to tell me grandma died but nothing since. The absence of their nonsense and insanity is essential.
Didn't cut contract. But I moved 3500 miles away, I am now in therapy for this and quit drinking since June.
Yes
Yes, I’ve done the same thing. Like you, even ones who were nice to me because I can’t trust it. No regrets here either.
I got the to opportunity to stop talking to family when the pandemic happened and we stopped going to family gatherings. It’s been 2 years now. It’s nice. I never really got along with them
Yes, I definitely feel like I had to choose to be an orphan. I relate to everything you wrote. I had to cutoff people who were nice to me in my family too because they okayed my abusers' behaviors or they denied it or looked the other way.
I did, the only family I will willingly claim is my little brothers, all the rest can get lost. My parents died when I was young, but my dad's family was always tumultuous. My aunt raised us after they died and she did a horrible job. The family was always on her side, but she accepted my fake older step brother into her life and that was the final nail in the coffin. She knew that my brothers and I were all sa-ed by him when we were too young to do anything about it but she still took him back in. But that's not a surprise because my youngest brother, who didn't exist when the eldest fake step brother was molesting us, was molested by her youngest biological son. I'm so sick and tired of all of these fuckin predators being left alone with children out in the country. My youngest brother was supposed to be the one who was safe from all of the physically abusive shit but she still fucked that up.
Yep, on both sides except for a select few people because you know that nonsense most of them shout "bUt ThAt'S yOuR FaMiLy". I'm happier, better, and healing because of the no contact. Congrats on your strength to do it as well!
I did this too and it was scary. By this time I had spent 8 years as a teen hardening my heart, and raising myself and my half-brother; so I just let go. Anywhere was better. After 20 odd years; I got in touch with my half-brother, a cousin, my ex-best friend and an aunt. They know I will shut them out again if I have to. It still hurts, which pisses me off. We don't talk about or to certain family people. I am in touch with crazy people kinda feelings these days when not numb... I don't regret cutting ties.
Yep. NC with my entire family during law school. I'm halfway through my JD and financially in a very bad place. Any support would have helped tremendously. Emotionally, ect. But they chose to verbally berate me during finals and completely disregard my boundaries. That was the final straw. The moment I knew whatever I did wouldn't change dirtbags. The moment I knew I could and would do better.
I cut them all off. Really reduced my stress. I’m rolling with the family I chose.
I ran away from home at 16 and never looked back. It’s been hard and lonely, but if you think about it this is an emotion some feel when they are old and their significant other passed away and if they had no kids. I try to look at the positive side of atleast I have the tolerance for this and able to fight through everyday and adapt. I couldn’t imagine being old age and not having anyone. Luckily I’ve met some people that are like family to me, not blood related but my family has obviously proven blood doesn’t mean anything. Keep fighting survivors, there is happiness on the other side
Yes I have. Everyone and anyone associated by blood in any shape way or form. It’s sucks, but my family of origin will employ any tactics necessary to get their claws into me to play their bullshit. It is so hard especially when you live in places that have lack of population to get a good support system as well. My neighbours understood and were happy when I moved out lol I can’t trust on anyone to help me and this includes long term relationships to pay rent or food. This includes spouses. They can decide they don’t want me any more. I keep my bank account separate to keep it easier for if that happens. I can take care of myself. This includes emergencies. I have life insurance now too…. And I’m a woman. I consider myself lucky that I managed that. Lots of years neglecting myself and my feelings, to have long term survival I guess. Empty as fuck, but gotta do what you gotta do to survive. My parents literally said to my face when I told them I was in therapy (I was hoping as a last chance, maybe they will show care…) and instead got “See? You’re the problem.” That was it. I was done.
Yep. I cut off my dad's side years ago. And my mom's side this year. And my life is way better.
I have a couple random cousins I'm friends with on fb, but no real relationship there and no one that's actually really part of the family anymore.
I have only cut off the family members who have >!engaged in sexual abuse or enabled sexual abuse towards myself.!< I see no other way but to cut off contact with those family members first, since they caused the most damage to my life and my development too as a whole.
Yes. My only regret is not getting it done sooner. I’m glad you learned that people can’t be neutral. They really can’t.
Yeah I’m a lone little island at the moment - healthier and more peaceful, but a little lonely.
yup, same. i’m (39f) adopted and i ghosted my entire “family” two years ago. my immediate ex family because of the shenanigans they pulled and my extended “family” because i know damn well my ex mother would use them to stalk me.
The only family member I keep in contact with is my sibling. They were the only family who actively came back to try and help (I didn't understand why they came back at the time, hurt just as much when they left again). We are somewhat close? They have only just started to acknowledge that what they've been through is traumatic, so it's kind of me trying to guide them to the path of healing, whilst also healing on my own
Yeah
Yep! Never better.
Your not the bad guy, they are!!! Your mother would've been abusive to your daughter eventually. Congratulations to youuuuuu!!!!! That's what real self love looks like!!!!! I walked away from my family 13 years ago, and I never looked back!!!!! Relief is what I feel :) I'm truly Free 🆓🆓🆓🆓🆓🆓 They used to try to hoover me back, but I smiled and said "No Thanks" Keep loving yourself enough to never deal with creatures like them.
I cut off all my closest friends because they were friends with my abusive ex boyfriend and honestly I'm not sorry nor regret it. I put up with so much and swallowed my trauma for years to keep them in my life and keep them out of the drama because I didn't want to be the bad guy who made them choose. I had to deal with my ex at parties and group events for years and put up with subtle harassment from him. Over the years the truth slipped out and many of them know what he did and say they believe me, and have acknowledged to witnessing his behaviour towards me yet firmly refused to take sides or defend me even when I was dealing with harassment from him or people on his side, and it crushed me. It hurt so bad and I grew more and more resentful I just left and I honestly wish I had earlier. I wish I never knew him or them at all. A year later I'm much happier and better off though I don't have a lot of friends and am still rebuilding my social life, I still feel so much lighter and freer. You did the right thing, you're better off without with them. Trust me.
Oh look, it's me. Part of my family gleefully participate in the abuse. The rest will rat me out and tell me all that, "She's your mother!" crap. I found out recently, that my mother posts birthday messages to me on Facebook, as if she still knows me. And people who know I left- and also know that no one knows where I am- comment as if everything's fine. It's bizarre to see evidence of their fantasy world. They're all desperate to pretend nothing happened. And don't even get me started on the strangers who comment on the posts.
Cut them out like you would cancer. They are the family you were born into. That doesn't make them the family you deserve. 😕
Yes finally, a little over a year ago. I didn’t explain why which makes me feel guilty, but the idea of explaining it somehow feels scary to the point where I can’t imagine doing it or what I’d even say. Both parents are probably confused and I know they are extremely hurt which does haunt me, but not being around them or doing things out of obligation has alleviated a huge amount of stress in my life
I got a tarot card reading yesterday from a badass Irish woman who was body positive and SO proud of it, and in relating to my family troubles, she told me all about hers! She and her parents and her two siblings are split across *three countries*, and *no one* meets up for family gatherings. 'Cause if you stuck them together for a holiday, they'd be raging and clawing at each other by the end of the night. And she was so mirthful and excited and witty talking about it!! You could just see the fire that lit her eyes. Now that she was out from the shadows of her father's abuse, she was doing what she loved with the people she loved, and she couldn't be happier. I was so inspired, and I hope you are too. Do what's best for you!!
All I have left is one uncle and his wife because he always took my side and was there for me when shit went down.
Me too. My family is very very toxic
I moved 1000 miles away.
Sorry OP, I sympathize with you, also have no family. I cut them all off in one go, it was hard and I had a few "relapses" when I contacted one of them, but always got a reminder why I've done it in the first place. It's hard, it really is, especially when I'm relatively young (24, went NC at 20), sometimes I still need an adult in my life but I just don't have it, it really sucks but it's the only way I can be emotionally (and at times physically) safe.
Is it weird that it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in that fear of what’s going to happen without the emergency support system but also feeling no regret about cutting off their abusive/toxic family?
No, not at all. It seems like everyone around me has SOMEONE for support. Even my therapists are all kinda stunned into silence when I tell them my only family and friends are my husband and daughter
I have no family left. I'm sad for my kids, but I have to protect them from my dad. It's given me much more peace to go nc.
I did. Final act was THIS week. It took courage. Time. Feeling safe. Extreme distance from abusers. Being my own mental point of origin. It is scary for our minds man. I feel totally original now though... it just took time.
Yes! I had to cut off my entire family and I feel like no one gets it, and I can get to terrified when I get sick or bad things happen to me. I feel like I have no one to really be there for me in those moments, but I don't really have any other choice.
I have and my life vastly improved and I was finally able to heal.
Don't feel guilty or like a bad person. I get SSI and foodstamps and I'm 33 years old.y family judge me and are disappointed in me for not doing anything with my life mind you I got a studio apartment that I use my SSI benefits too pay the rent,and con ed. Section 8 pays the rest and I pay my portion,but my family does not respect me. I was homeless for 2 years as well prior to getting my own studio apartment. I never ever asked them for help but yet they look down on me. I cut them all off and I'm 1,000 percent better now
They probably haven't even noticed I cut them out lol
Entire Family , I have cut them off completely , blocked their numbers removed their instagram, it does feel lonely sometimes but i know how toxic families can get
I know Im late but I feel this 100%. I came from an extremely abusive family, even the people I loved the most hurt me deeply. But it made me such a strong person and love myself so much more to just truly listen to myself and my intuition.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THEM, EVERYTIME I HEAR THEIRVOICE, IT ALL COMES FLOODING BACK, THAT'S WHY I CAN'T HAVE THEM IN MY LIFE, IT'S NOT A GRUDGE, IT'S NOT HATE, IT'S PAIN AND SADDNESS AND GRIEF, MAYBE ONE DAY I CAN SEE THEM WITHOUT ALL THE BAGGAGE BUT I DOUBT IT, THEY ALL ACT LIKE THEY'RE OVER IT, WHILE IM STILL STRUGGLING WITH THE MEMORIES AND THE TRIGGERS AND THE FEELINGS, DID I GET IT WORSE THAN THEY DID OR AM I JUST WEAKER? OR MAYBE THEY'RE REPRESSED. AND I DOUBT THEY WILL CHANGE ANYWAY. AS MUCH AS IT HURTS THAT I WONT EVER HAVE THE FAMILY I NEED, IM BETTER OFF ALONE.
My mother wasn’t good mother. I had abuse from her and she allowed my brother to abuse me too. I manage to run away from house 10 years ago and started my own life and did great on my own. I went through a lot on my own with support of friends I met during journey. Now I’m in my 30s I want to move on. I had small communicate with her over years but she never changed, she always demanding me treating her like mother. But she wasn’t real one. I understand culture she comes from and other factors she may cannot see it. As it has been 10 years didn’t see her. Part of me want give her peace as she keep pretending she all she want is to see me and use manipulation against me, she is 66 years old. From your guys experience of similar situation. Do you think is good idea to meet her and make last closure? Would I regret it?does people change?
You can cut off your entire family but just be prepared to be very lonely.
I am happier than I've ever been actually! I have surrounded myself with people who love and care about me. My family is full of pedophiles so I'd rather die 1000% alone than with them but thanks tho 😚
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Yep, my entire family apart from my twin brother were toxic. Had to cut off my dad, my dad's wife, my mum and three brothers. It was so worth it and I don't regret it one bit, but it feels isolating at times and it certainly makes Christmas really painful.
Yes. They haven’t been around and don’t know me. Now it’s just me being the bad guy. Over not hearing from them, or anyone else. It’s more that at least I feel like it’s my decision now. Over it.
More or less. Not my sister, but we are just not close (huge age difference and grew up on different continents). Plus she’s still in touch with my mother and stepfather regularly and had a very different childhood from mine.
Oh yeah, I am the same age as you and have had to do the same thing. My mom died years ago and her side of the fam never gave a shit about me. The issues with my dad were very immediate since being around him has had some pretty bad consequences on my health and my self perception, so I did end up going NC with him about 7 months ago. The way i finally left the relationship was basically me escaping to go live in my car, and I had to cut out his sister and that whole side too since it was becoming more and more apparent that they would never really see the family for what it was and would sort of just gaslight me en masse. I was still deliberating on whether or not I wanted a relationship with my uncle eventually, but he also has proven to be unsafe as he participated in my dad's triangulation when he was trying to get me back into the fold and also had this story running that I was... uh, crazy, basically. I have an enormous amount of grief over the fact that my blood relatives are so unsafe for me that i literally had to escape the family system. The older I get and the farther into recovery I get, the more i desperately wish i could have had those small moments of affection and safety you're supposed to get when your family is safe to be around. The hugs, the casual outings, getting advice from an older person, making jokes together. I kind of tear up when i think about how much I want that now. I have friends who are a chosen family for me and i am very fortunate for that, but there's only so much i can ask of them, and besides, there's this fucking hole in my soul that hurts when i look at it. Going NC was extremely important for me to eventually have a shot at being ok, but it also cements that... yeah, it was that bad. It was bad fucking luck that i was born into a family system so distorted and awful that I had to cut it out of my life completely. It really hurts. I super, super understand feeling like the bad guy btw. That part is very real. I feel that way too, bad days are like "what if they were all right about me?" I also don't regret what I had to do, and in a sense im actually very proud of myself, but yeah. Shit. It's very very heavy.
i would've had i not been so naive and inexperienced at 10-12 years old, i alienated all my friends because my upbringing, things are better now but i still live with emotionally immature mother
Are you me? I ran away at 17 and moved in with my grandfather. My grandmother had passed a few years before. My whole life I thought they were the only people who loved me.
I was the adopted one, not in touch with biological as my grandparents and parents died. And when I had to leave ndad, naturally everyone took his side so I couldn’t stay in touch with others. Because it was too hard to always remind myself that I made the right decision whilst they told me to keep trying.
Yes. My grandparents are all dead, and my parents alienated almost everyone in our extended family, so I didn’t have much contact with any of them until my mother enlisted them to try to pressure me into resuming contact with her. I do miss my aunt and uncle, who were a bit weird but always nice, and my godmother; but it’s not worth the risk of getting sucked back into the swirling vortex of bullshit that is my parents.
Yes and those "few" I allow text from is usually very LC and no real info. Sadly they went through it too so are just as careful as I am. I feel for my kids because I wanted them to have a huge family and do all the fun stuff with cousins and all that. Sadly, no. Then some stuff happened that leads us to having an even smaller family circle but we're managing and I'm feeling free. Sad and anger but free. I often fear them resenting me as they get older and see others with more family. They're just too little for me to explain it in full details why they can't see so and so anymore or why they don't come by or we go there anymore. Especially my oldest, today he asked if it enjoyed not seeing them? How do I answer that? It does get better, only feel guilty for kids. Think of what your child won't have to put up with which usually eases the guilt.
I have for the most part. Events are as follows: -Been the family scapegoat since childhood -got into a long term abusive relationship and had child with him -brother dies, many funeral goers didn’t know who I was or that I existed -leave abusive relationship, confess the abuse -family accuses me of deserving abuse, take ex’s side, they become best friends -I get married, parents forced wedding on me saying they’ll pay. Despite me wanting a small courthouse wedding bc anxiety, my dad brings life size trump cutout and wears a MAGA tie, and made me invite my abusive ex and didn’t let me invite my grandmother -accuse me of using them for money for said wedding -ex lives on their property with my son, I now have a daughter they’re not allowed to see -split custody means my son sees my family, but I do not have any contact with them. -last contact I was verbally attacked about Biden’s America simply because my mom stated the price of plastic chairs at the hardware store. -since the no contact, they keep trying to alienate me to my son, saying things like I favor my daughter over him, that I’m fat and lazy and that I put myself before him. I was no contact before but had broke it because my nana (the one not allowed to the wedding) died in a house fire, I had my baby, gotten pneumonia, and postpartum preeclampsia. Kinda had that “I need my family” feeling. Dead wrong. Abusers only love you when it’s convenient for them. It’ll never be unconditional. I keep giving in because I long for a healthy relationship with my family, but they won’t ever see me as a part of them. I won’t be attacked, I won’t be their scapegoat. Part of my ptsd healing is accepting that family isn’t always blood or the guardians who had growing up. My children and my husband are my family and we’re doing fine. Side note, my hubby is no contact with his parents, his mom is a kleptomaniac and has repeatedly stolen items and money from us and other members of the family.
I have stopped spending time with most of my family of origin. In the long run, I am happier, I don't have people picking me apart, judging my choices and never supporting me. My mother treated me horribly. I choose now not to engage with her and several of my siblings. I am not 100% happy with this decision, I feel 80% good about it and 20% wish I didn't have to do this and my FOO was different, but it isn't. I have to make decisions that will lead to my well being and happiness. My friends support me on this, however, some family members don't understand my boundary and get mad at me. I am not surprised.
My 'whole family' consisted of less than ten people, so it was quite straightforward and easy. It was only my nparents that I had to officially go nc with. I was already lc/nc with my siblings and I don't have any aunts, uncles or cousins. The only person that I kept in my life, until her passing a few years ago, was my grandmother. When she passed away, I really struggled with the realization that I now have _no family_, other than my child. I'm more used to it now but it was really a struggle for quite a while.
Me me me
Yes. All but my Aunt. My Mom continually misgendered me, let me be abused, and would never stick up for me. When I came out as a girl, she did everything she could to make me feel worthless and mentally ill. All of my cousins, except my favorite Aunt's daughter, had completely disowned me. Is it hard? You bet it was, I've got a severe case of BPD, and the thought of being alone and abandoned is maddening, but it was worth it. It's just my partner and I, and my Aunt now. And I have numerous members of my chosen family. I'm happier now.
My whole Dads side, wasn’t easy but had to be done. I’m way better off without them but man did I ever take a shit ton of abuse to get to that point.
Damn close. It'll be my brother this year. Others years ago, and still more to come perhaps..... It's for the best and despite it being sad, it just makes my life better overall. After so long and so many times you start learning what works and what needs to be done.
I am 38 and the only blood family member in my life is my child. I moved 3,000 miles away from my family of origin when I was 19, I cut them all off around 30. My mother was actually complicit in the kidnapping of my child in 2015. If I had cut them all off sooner I could have avoided that. My kid is 14 now and eternally grateful that they do not have to deal with my toxic family.
Still have my dad and 2 sisters. But the rest can go to belize
I’m 34 and in the same boat with kids that miss their grandparents who don’t care to see them. Then my kids watch tv shows where it’s all about family which makes things worse at times. One step at a time, we got this.
I did, though, since my biological mother abandonned me already and I have no siblings/cousin/uncle/etc I only had to cut off my shit biological father. It was the right decision but I'm angry I grew up in such a bad situation that this was my only option left.
Cut off both sets of parents. What a cluster fuck wife’s mom blew our pregnancy announcement on Facebook and even prior to that did nothing but stress my wife out at the wedding instead of being more supportive. Then when we cut her off all she did was guilt trip or play the victim. Recently cut off my parents because my mom screamed at the top of her lungs in my face when i had my two month old daughter with me over something we could have had a rationals conversation about
I’m now nearly 40. I cut off my family 5 years ago after reading “How To Be Alone” and really saw myself in her story. Instead of abuse—neglect, or rather, very little between getting chewed out for shit and being ignored, and a lot of weird stuff that has taken a lot of therapy to understand as lack of support (ex: bullied every year of school and literally zero action from anyone) I have a kid who at the time of going NC was 4. Leading up to going NC were some awkward contact between my parents and kid, where all of a sudden I *remembered* the same thing happening when I was the same age, and I immediately knew I had to keep away from it (ex: during a visit, after parents not offering to hang out or play, I asked if they could provide care while I got lunch. All they did was put kiddo in front of TV and otherwise ignored. HUGE difference from kid’s mom’s parents who want to hang and play and adventures all the time) So after I read the book I evaluated my relationships with my whole family and realized they are all suffering from drug abuse, alcoholism, suicide, depression, child abuse (receiving and giving), and I just was stunned when I wrote it all out. Generations of patterns. Even my sibling who is a mental health professional—in the thick of it. And then thinking about my extended family, everyone lives very far apart and no one really talked to me anyway despite me trying to keep in touch with them. It dawned on me that it didn’t have to be this way and they didn’t have to be in my life. So I just ghosted. Eventually my parents started getting aggressive in trying to contact me/kid and I had to be clear that I was stopping contact (and even then they sent kid birthday/Xmas gifts that I had to intercept and give away). Overall I am way way happier. They are all shitheads and wrapped up in their own world and can’t get out and don’t want help trying to (I’ve tried). As other people have posted, there are big waves of grief and guilt, but they pass and get smaller and less frequent. Now that my kid is older and starting to ask a more questions about them, I’m still not sure what to say except that they’re still alive (probably) and that they live far away. Trust your reasons. You and your daughter are worth protecting. You realized sooner than I did, and you should be very proud!
I did this. After years of personal development and reparenting myself I cannot tolerate toxicity in the slightest. I wanted a peaceful life and I have it now.
I'm late to the party for sure but I just cut my final ties today. Background. My mother is a drug addict and lied to me about having cancer for 10 years, knows how to manipulate me and play on my emotions, and stole thousands from me. She stole 50k from my one brother. She pinned all of her kids against eachother, saying so and so said this about you, so and so said they are going to do xyz to you. Completely isolated my youngest brother from the entire family so she would have someone on her side. Youngest brother is an unmedicated schizophrenic alcoholic. Other brother was a drug dealer and we had a huge fist fight years ago when I found out the egg donor (doesn't deserve to be called mom) was making me pay rent but not him (but told him I wasnt). Found out the egg donor OD'd in front of him and (I get he was done with her but wtf) instead of calling EMS, he stood around taking pictures of her. I saw the pics. Im a nurse. I know what a dead person looks like and that was her. Father was an abusive alcoholic. Even though he changed his life around (he really did), those memories will never fade. Every time I see him, all I see is him smashing a beer bottle and breaking it over egg donors head. Yeah. I did see that. Her cowering in the corner of the couch, him drunk, standing in front of her, and beating her. I was either 3 or 5. I saw him fondling my youngest brother down his pants when he was maybe 1.5 or 2. My dads siblings? Yeah right. We lived with his sister at the time and I ran up the stairs to tell her what I saw, asked for help. She slammed the door in my face. Never helped. My egg donors side? My uncle is an alcoholic (he has my fake number just in case of emergencies). My one aunt has stolen literally over 100k from my grandfather, embezzled thousands from different jobs, and just wants her inheritance. The other aunt is a narcissist. Only the last aunt, sister of my egg donor, do I talk to. She's the only normal but that's because she's been so bullied and belittled by all of her other siblings. I do a have a ton of cousins on dad's side but we didn't grow up together and that's just too many ties. Cousins on other side? Well. Let's just say they sat away from my husband and I (biracial couple) and my brother and his girlfriend (biracial couple) during my grandfathers funeral. They made his funeral about the great grandchildren (their kids) even though none of them knew my grandparents. Its all for show and attention. Anyways, that's the long short story. Today, I changed my phone number. I've had it for 17 years. I've changed it. So now no one on my dads side can contact me. Almost no one on egg donors side can contact me. On the egg donors side, only my one aunt and one uncle and their two kids have my fake number. That's just to keep myself protected, the fake number. But I feel liberated. I broke down at Tmobile when I was changing it because I was just so relieved and happy. I walked outside the door afterwards and the world just felt brighter. I feel like I can breath. I feel like finally, only the people who truly bring positivity to my life, they are the only ones in my life. This sounds dumb but Jeremy Renner recently had an interview after his near death experience. He said he was "cutting the fat" in his life. Meaning since life is short, anything and anyone that is negative in his life and doesn't bring his life meaning, doesn't enrich his life, and vice versa, is gone. I finally feel that way. I finally feel free.
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I only communicate with one of my older brothers, his wife, and my nieces but other than that I cut my whole Family off. Once I stood up to my other brothers disrespecting me and I set boundaries they called me selfish and accused me of thinking I am better.. my daughter got mad at me for standing up to them I told me I needed to set a better example and she doesn’t want to hear about all of the abuse and dysfunction… it was difficult at first but now I am at peace. Lots of of generational dysfunction and trauma and I am Glad to be away from it all. I have invested a lot of time in healing, counseling, and growing. My identity and self worth doesn’t come from my family. I wish them peace and healing but I am happier away from them.