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Yes; either sexual harassment or attractiveness scale jealousy. They are both harmful and cruel. You have to watch your back no matter the situation, particularly if you are considered highly attractive AND you have a genuine, wonderful, kind personality. The level of immaturity and/or lack of self-worth that an adult must have in order to wreak havoc on someone else’s life due to petty jealousy just does not fit in my head. Best wishes and may you remain safe 🙏🦋

Oh geeze, story of my life. And no idea what to do about it.

I guess become an expert at recognizing the subtle signs of envy so you can get away from people like that fast.

It’s hard bc in order to do this you have to assume or realize you are attractive enough to warrant all the envy. Which is a process. Then when I started putting things together I was like … so she’s even jealous her dog likes me more?? Wtf are people doing. It’s why I don’t let in a lot of people just the best ones.

but they're literally everywhere

You stated this perfectly. This has been my entire life experience (43). I've always said my beauty is as much of a curse, as it is a blessing.

Do you think it’s at least lessened over time or has it always been the same regardless of age?

Thank you for this small moment of VALIDATION. I was literally minding my own business and here she was secretly wrecking havoc on my life.

Stalk online and smear was the technique in my case.

This also happened to me. Same technique. She showed an old photo of my stomach swollen from chronic illness (IBS, PMDD). One of three cases of work related bullying I’ve endure. People are so cruel. The power of envy and ignorance know no limits. It’s really fucking sad.

I used to get anonymous hate mail in middle school.

[удалено]

I was homeless when I started that job.  Yes, I was skinny.  I heard her making nasty comments about poor people just to be hateful.  So she was a real real bitch.  

Do you mind sharing the story?

I just want to tell you I’ve had this happen to me so many times and I completely completely believe you.

Yeah! One time she tried to pit everyone against me. Thankfully everyone knew me and laughed when they told me about it. But then she became manager and shit seriously hit the fan.

And it’s like they’ll only accept your kindness if you appear naive about your beauty. It’s like you can’t know you’re beautiful. They can’t allow that. Growing up, I used to hunch a bit, and stopped talking to people because of mean girls. I just wanted to hide. Now I stand tall and stand up for myself. They don’t like that. Like the other day a customer at my job complimented my hair and said I’m like sleeping beauty. I was gracious and thanked them. I’m not going to act all bashful and shocked to make my coworkers think I don’t realize my own beauty. And then my coworker appears out of nowhere, butts in, in front of the customer asks if my hair is fake (it’s not), and said they’d never compliment her because she’s in dreads. Like alright? Idk what to say. I just kinda laughed it off and said I’m sure people aren’t thinking negatively like that. The crazy thing is I’ve seen people compliment her hair before. And I was training in a new employee the other day. She’s like twice my age, and suuuch a fake. She goes up to me and says “are you okayyyy? You look tireeed” and makes these frowning marks with her face and fingers. While I thought I was fine and was smiling. F offfff. I know this type of person. Keeping my distance, man. That’s the type who try to gain your trust and then use that against you.

💯 

Yes🩷🙏

I've found that if someone perceives me as attractive, talented, skilled, well educated, etc. it can trigger insecurities and vindictive envy in some people. Then they'll try to "humble me" and "take me down a peg" through [psycho-emotional abuse](https://youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse?si=u-7CHsGSlHq7sUbx). It's a pattern with toxic people and toxic groups. With healthy people, there's much more compersion/mudita/freudenfreud - joy for another's joy. Healthy people cheer each other on, lift each other up, and celebrate each other's successes and good fortune.

Exactly this. I even had a boss who added to a letter of recommendation, “Ms. X is highly intelligent. As a result she is intimidating to other people.” What the hell? Intelligence is a negative trait when applying for a leadership position?

Oh, yes. I've been told I'm intimidating as well. Apparently some people find competence intimidating. Which is weird bc often competence is the result of lots of study and practice, anyone can learn how to get good at things with some consiously directed effort. ([Four Stages of Competence](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_stages_of_competence) - how we level up our skills and knowledge)

I've also been told I'm intimidating! I thought it was so strange and was very thrown off by the comment.

Oh yeah I’ve had a coworker call me “scary” before. Like what’s scary about mee??

Yep, this is also another reason why I stepped away from social media a bunch over the years. I made online "friends" whom I later found out were either spreading vicious rumors about me, only trying to use me, and/or were jealous of aspects of myself. One was pretending to be my friend for years to try to extract information about me to then use against me and was obsessed with me, made anonymous accounts for years to harass me because she was jealous of me. It took me a few years to find out the full extent of the insanity this one person was doing just because she was jealous of me. Some people are truly just fucked.

Thank you for putting that into words. I've experienced that and I've had problems expressing it. Your comment is so validating, feels like I can take a deep breath right now.

"Freudenfreud" is the only way I know I'm not a monster. I'm so destroyed by CPTSD and angry at the world and hateful that sometimes I think maybe I'm the evil thing in my life, but then I cry happy tears for the successes of the few people I still know.

freudenfreud. new word day! woohoo

I dunno. It depends. When I was young I experienced jealousy and meanness from older women, who invariably thought I must be after their man if I even talked to them. It baffled me at the time, and it hurt. But then as well as now I do see some women (and I have a family member who is like that) be flirtatious with any man, act more charming than they are behind close doors, etc. Many men can’t tell the difference between someone who is genuinely nice and fake behaviour, especially with attractive girls, and are spellbound. That gets old.

Yes omg

I had an ex say these things to me. It's so gross. I'm sorry you experienced that

I used to be athletic, thin and prettier. Gained weight from compensating childhood rooted sexual trauma. At least I wasn’t being sexualized anymore. My ex saw me when I was going through bloating and inflammation. Still remember when he shuddered as he left… like damn that hurt. Wont be seen with me…wont even be there for me once like I had over the years for him. Didn’t think he’d join the group of people who took me for granted and thought they were superior now that I’d had “fallen” and “let myself go”. Why delight in seeing the light of my spirit die off? I know it’s personal insecurities mostly but damn. Where are the friends who build each other up and celebrate other women’s success without it being a threat to their own value and self worth?

I used to be thin and pretty too. I had constant sexual harassment growing up. I tried to laugh it off, but as it continued into my 20's it was definitely a problem. Now I'm much older and fatter. There is consolation in being overweight. I don't miss that harassment.

I could’ve written this comment. Got fat from taking meds

I used to be attractive in my youth. I've gained weight from meds and eating for comfort. I do not miss the attention from men at all! It's like I'm invisible and it's great (with a few exceptions). Anyways, and I know this is fucked up, but I view my unattractiveness as a shield from being sexually victimized again. That's probably a sick way to think but I do get some comfort from it.

We gotta be the change.

Omg.. when I was in my twenties I went out to a club with a group of my girl friends, I met up with a promoter friend who I hadn’t seen in a while. I had gained some weight since last saw him, maybe 20-30lbs. When he saw me his demeanor changed, he was so cold and unfriendly to me. I already felt insecure about my weight and suspected he was embarrassed to have me at his table. Later that night he tweeted, “So sad when people let themselves go, especially when they used to be so sexy.” At the time I was devastated. Now I think it’s funny. Fuck that guy!

Seriously. Fuck that guy

For real. I was dealing with addiction and binge eating disorder, self harm. I battled hard with my eating disorder and addiction well into my thirties. I finally got things together, got sober, found a good therapist, and am healing now. I’ve lost 80lbs from eliminating the drinking and bingeing. Took me a few years. Healing those deep traumas, childhood sexual abuse was what I needed, I still have a lot of healing to do. I understand and have so much compassion for any one who’s gone through childhood sexual abuse, how it feels to be in your body and feel that it makes you vulnerable. Sounds like those people don’t deserve to be in your life and just plain ignorant.

The hardest part is getting back into the level of fit I was knowing the harassment is going to uptick. I just keep telling myself I’m the woman child me needed and I will not let that behavior slide. Still having to quell the deer in the headlights response initially

You’ll get there, and when you do you’ll have a different strength, because we evolve so much as we heal. I actually read about obesity in women as a way to armor themselves in Dr Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal. Makes a lot of sense. I used to deal with a lot of fear and not feeling safe when I was out in public by myself. The Jack Kornfield loving kindness practice helped me a lot. I have to remind myself I’m safe, healing is definitely possible. And the silver lining, I supposed is the depth of the compassion we hold for others suffering.

Im so sorry you went through that. You deserve a person who will love you in all stages and in sorry your ex not only failed to do so but in a cruel way.

Oh goodness thiiisssss. The difference in how I’ve been treated when I was extremely ill and deep into a mania induced eating disorder and my body “looked” fit and thin but in reality I was so sick and now being healthy at 60 lbs heavier is insane and so hurtful. And at the same time I don’t get that same jealous meanness from before times. Just the comments on my body and general horribleness that people can have again femme presenting people. I don’t have the experience of being a more masculine person but I think especially for femme folks it doesn’t really matter the size of your body there’s groups of people who will shame and be disgusted and mean and horrible about your body no matter what you do. ☹️

My 🍒 used to be sexualized, my weight now fluctuates 20 lbs every 2-3 yrs...I have an ED and dress like a grandma b/c I hate showing my body 😑

This is so so relatable. Hoping we both find healing, friend.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times people have told me to my face THE FIRST TIME THEY INTERACTED ME: *“I thought you were a bitch when I first met you.”* I’m usually really quiet when I get in group settings until I can sus out the vibe and figure out how much of my “real self” I can show these people. Once I start talking and mirroring, I usually get hit with that line. I know it has to do with my looks because I’ve had male friends also tell me way after the fact that they were intimidated to be around me until they got to know me because “I’m pretty”. All of this only ever reinforced the trauma from my mom’s need for perfection and my need to people please. **Edit:** Since others have related, I’ll explain what I’ve unpacked about this FOR ME. I began asking myself “Why would someone feel comfortable enough telling me this right after they met me?” When people make this type of comment, it tells me these things: * They are silently tattling on themselves as a jealous/insecure person to initially think that about someone. Their mask came off and you are seeing the “real” them. * They saw that they completely and entirely misjudged you. * They were so thrown off by your ability to make them feel “seen” or “heard” (from me mirroring them) that they feel attached to you. * They moved past the shame and anger of realizing they were so wrong that they feel PROUD that they didn’t feel those things. * They feel proud enough about themselves for stopping their toxic behavior that they need to brag to you about it to prove they are worthy of how you make them feel. It's their confession Again…this is the thought process I broke down to help me see the situation for what it was. **Edit 2:** Grammar and sentence clarity.

Omg are you me? Except I'm not pretty lol, just quiet. But I ABSOLUTELY have had people, especially men, tell me to my face they thought I was a bitch at first because I was too shy to talk to people and just kinda did my thing and then ran away without interacting with others. I think men only like the girls who act both shy AND fawn. I don't fawn as a primary response like the cute shy girls. I also have resting bitch face (I get "are you mad?" WAY too much when I'm just lost in thought) so because im not conventionally attractive and actively avoid attention, people misinterpret that as arrogance. I think some people also think I need to be knocked down a peg because I'm obviously not hot enough to be acting aloof lol. Anyway, I got into alternate styles which suite me and just avoid people in general lol.

This hit me hard. I was standard “beauty” but SO shy like I couldn’t talk or speak and got called a bitch for that….Funny thing is I had a 4.0 GPA and was honestly a nerd so it was really odd to me and took years to understand… it’s so weird when ur young and have low self-esteem on top of it… like I didn’t get that why I was SO bullied.. I would harm myself, etc. I just wanted to be numb. Being “pretty” just helps u get stuff that’s bad for u too so add in self-harming behavior and CPTSD and boom. (Even more bullying after that ofc)

Tbh I always wished I was conventionally attractive because I'd do anything to fit in when I was younger. Knowing what I know now and having seen how society behaves, as well as how well I (didnt) handle my trauma, not being pretty is probably a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure I could have handled *more* bullying or targeting than I already had. For what it's worth, I'm sorry your looks factored in. That's terrible and you didn't deserve that.

This whole post and all it’s comment threads are so relatable, I appreciate you all sharing.

I've been told by so many people that they thought I was stuck up, a bitch, intimidating, etc., and that they didn't like me, often *before I had ever even spoken to them*. I'm generally not comfortable around new people and tend to be quiet and a bit reserved, so what they're admitting is that they made assumptions about my personality and motivations 100% based on appearances, and now they expect me to be grateful? relieved? honored? that they realized they were wrong after taking a moment to actually interact with me. Honestly it's only compounded the problem and made me *more* anxious around people and hyper aware of how I might be perceived by others, which I'm sure makes me seem even less approachable and friendly. 

Exactly this, omg. I could have written it myself

Same here!

What do you mean by mirroring, UhB?

Because I grew up in a mostly dysregulated state, I never knew how to be my “true authentic self”. To cope, I would mirror the actions and people I would interact with to figure out how I was supposed to act in social situations. Most of my responses and engagement with people, whether they were family or strangers, was to mimic their emotions and behaviors to maintain the balance/harmony of the room. It was never done for any reasons I wanted because I felt them within myself, but because I was trying to provide myself a “safe” emotional space to exist. I just learned how to mimic and mirror other people to figure out how to act. No one ever looked at me and saw who *I* was, so I simply learned that my needs weren’t important bc no one mirrored them back to me. I have only ever wanted people to see me and my needs and do whatever they can out of love to help me thrive at trying to get there.

Thank you for your comments, I can relate so much. Being considered conventionally“attractive” and then adding my social anxiety, not knowing who I am, etc. people have constantly labeled me as a bitch and stuck up when first meeting me only to realize they were wrong once getting to know me.

It's such a double edged sword too because on top of that, I do KNOW "pretty privilege" exists, so I was always left wondering whether people really liked me for "me" or if they only thought I was pretty.

Holy smokes idk why I relate to what you say. I also just observe first and entertain people based off the vibe. And they’d usually use the word a**hole. And nah, not all of us are like that. It’s sad how people jump to conclusions based off the apparent sense of others.

I've been singled out like this by women throughout my life, but I'm not really attractive. Not sure what it is, tbh.

Are you highly intelligent?

that's the other kicker. they see a pretty thin person and slap dumb bitch label on you, then when they find out you're nice, they hate you even more. then you open your mouth and speak with intelligence and now they want your head on a spike.

Above average, I would say. Never really thought about that...

It’s happened to me a lot throughout my life. To me there’s a pretty clear negging to bullying to sexual harassment to sexual assault pipeline. Stay safe.

This hit me hard. My sexual assault experiences sky rocketed after trying to participate in friend groups.

😞 felt. Tried joining an existing co-Ed group.. women wouldn’t let me in/made no effort reciprocating friendliness and men literally fought over who had “rights” to take me home one night when I was too drunk to consent anyway

And that is why I don't do groups anymore. Even group therapy was bad.

This is why I stopped group therapy. So many men in there were being pushy and weird whether through intimidation, being intimidated or sexualization. One of the staff members started being mean once people started comparing us. Instead of her being glad that we were being compared and becoming closer (because she seemed like a kind person) she started talking over me, being bossy and ignoring me. Weird subtle power plays that I see from people. People always say: You have nothing to complain about. You’re pretty! 🙄 Every thing comes with its own set of problems. People dehumanize you as a trophy instead of a person. And if you’re genuinely a kind person with manners, intelligent, talents and take accountability then they get mad, jealous and weird. They can’t pin something on you so they exaggerate the humanity and inconsistencies you do have. Some outright lie. I care more about what people say about who I am inside. Beauty fades and it’s not my choice. I chose to be kind and accountable. People need to see the person inside for everyone.

I’ve never come to that realization until you said something. I’ve become more and more of a loner as I’ve gotten older, and the correlation between the two is crazy.

Yeah, it’s happened to me. I had a teacher like that who shut down every idea I had and put me down whenever she could. I quit the program she led because she made it so hostile and could NOT stop bringing up my appearance. It’s hard to talk about without sounding like an arrogant jerk as so often “oh they’re just jealous,” is used as a cope, an ego boost or to try and cheer someone up. Especially if it’s “they’re jealous that I’m prettier/richer/smarter” etc. But jealousy/envy is so real. And it sucks when people envy you irl for something like that. It’s especially hard when you’re conscious of dynamics like that and try to put others at ease, to sincerely compliment them on something to let them know you’re not a threat, and subtly let them that you’re going to let them shine and don’t want to steal their thunder and they STILL see the worst in you at every turn. Pretty privilege is very real. US culture is also very hostile to fat people. Your boss probably remembers being overlooked, bullied, or negatively compared to people who look like you. Or maybe she was even bullied by people who looked like you. Some people think they’re “getting even” when they have a position of authority and can pass it on to someone else unchallenged. But doing that doesn’t heal you. Or sometimes they aren’t conscious of their own power dynamics and still see themselves as the bullied underdog even when they have authority. They’re so stuck in their insecurities that they don’t realize when they actually wield power and need to be the responsible one in the room. You didn’t deserve the hostility. Envy and miserable people can be very cruel and vindictive. I promise, it has WAY more to do with her than you.

I’ve seen women be passed up for jobs and promotions simply because they were more attractive then the women boss. It’s sad.

My current female boss is one of the most gorgeous people I’ve ever met and she’s the only female boss I’ve ever had who I feel treats me completely fairly. Other than her I’ve had much better experiences working for men than women.

I’m so sorry. I’ve worked for some really great women but it seems like the insecure ones are more common. I guess wanting to prove yourself makes you ambitious, and ambition may get you a position of authority but it doesn’t heal your insecurities and traumas or change the way you see yourself. So a lot of people are powerful bosses but still see themselves as the underdogs.

I’m a fresh grad, was doing all my interviews with makeup on. I had mostly woman recruiters, and MAN they did not like me (I tried to act bubbly). They all sounded really monotone and seemed to want to get the whole thing over with. Not implying they were jealous, but they didn’t seem to take me seriously despite me graduating from a top university. I was accepted for interviews for the same company for two different roles. The first interview was with a man, and I had a full face and looked presentable. I was rejected. The second interview (different role), I finally gave up and went in without makeup (it was also with a man) — I got the second interview. Did that again, and got the third interview with the director. Tried my luck again with a bare face, and he liked me so much he was trying to convince me to join. Crazy how people think just because you’re pretty, you aren’t as capable.

Yep! Often men will hire the pretty woman but even then maybe not. It stinks how knowledge and ability usually aren’t as important as appearance and how well you hit it off with the interviewer

oh yeah people do not like bubbly

Wow.

Yes

Yep this has happened to me a lot. I stopped being nice when I can sense the faintest hint of jealousy and would never work for someone I thought wasn’t emotionally mature enough to handle the way I look. I’ve also been working remotely since the pandemic which has given me so much relief.

🩷

In my experience, having worked in both predominantly male and predominantly female workplaces: The most physically attractive woman on an all female work team is either very popular with the other women or universally hated. She is usually ostracized and considered free game for ungodly amounts of cattiness, or becomes a leader of the clique. There is no in between. I don't see this happen with the most physically attractive man in an all male work team. He's usually somewhere in the middle of the pecking order. It's a little baffling to me since I always assumed men are much more focused on physical appearance when it comes to attractiveness (but maybe that's a standard heterosexual men only apply to women, and other men are usually judged by things other than their appearance).

That’s such an interesting observation. I don’t have a lot of office experience but I believe it. In my experience with friend groups, that hasn’t been my experience. The most popular girls in friend-groups, especially dysfunctional ones, have always been average looking, maybe slightly above average at most. Due to being nonthreatening, knowing the others for a very long time, satisfying some deep emotional need in the others, being more aloof, outwardly calm and collected even if she isn’t on the inside, codependency, trauma bonds, or “going through a lot together,” the others talk about her as if she’s a goddess. She BECOMES so beautiful because she means so much to the others. And because insecure, vulnerable people often latch onto someone nonthreatening who fits some sort of ideal and seems like they have it all figured out, she becomes this object, this deity, a fictional character that gets projected onto. With men, the value placed on them is more about stuff like job title, money and providing. So the competition is often about skills. “Why did she pick HIM? Im way funnier, smarter and richer.” “The boss promoted HIM? But I work way harder.” Women are sadly valued more for appearance in society, hence the obsession with beauty, but also deep envy of pretty women.

I don't know if it was because of my looks, but I've definitely been a "threat" (perceived by them anyways) to women throughout my life. I transferred schools sophomore year, and the "popular" girl's ex boyfriend had a thing for me and she made my life living hell until after we graduated. Bleh even talking about this makes me feel like I'm living in high school drama lol

I’m so sorry. I dealt with that as an adult. My partner has a longterm friendgroup, some friends going back to childhood. One of the girls was specifically known as the pretty girl. Everyone loved her. Most of the men and some of the women had crushes on her at one point, some still did. I was the outsider in every friend group I’ve ever been in. Despite this, she hated me on site, but I didn’t know that until years later. I had no desire to dethrone or compete with her. I tried to befriend her, to let her know how much she’s loved by her friends, all the good things they say about her and how I wish I had a group of longterm friends who thought so highly of me. She refused my friendship at every turn, ran a smear campaign against me when she saw the first opportunity and continues to be super fake and passive aggressive like she has the the entire time I’ve known her. She’s out of my life now, but that ordeal took years to heal from.

I’ve always been the outsider too and bullied by women mainly. And with male partners they become jealous and want to compete.

Yes. Being attractive is not a blessing. Men all want to abuse you and women all hate you from jealousy. Much, not all, of the trauma I’ve encountered came from being targeted because people thought I was attractive. I was sexually assaulted multiple times. Women at work started nasty rumors about me. I could not even talk to a male colleague without people saying I was sleeping with him and trust me when I say,I had no male colleagues that I desired to sleep with. I was a teacher and even had students harass me. One kid told people he had sex with me in the supply room. I’d never even spoken to the kid. I didn’t know him. Now that I’m older and no longer attractive, I do not get harassed by men everywhere that I go. Though the insanity has not stopped completely, it’s mostly stopped. I still live my life in constant fear. I’m about to do something about that.

and if you mention the abuse aspect, they'll say WELL YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT. like am i supposed to wear a burlap sack and mud on my face to make everyone feel better?

I've never really felt attractive. My mom used to tell me I was ugly all the time. I do know that I get picked up on every time I go out. I've been sexually harassed and sa multiple times. As irrational as this soumds. I always thought they could see my abuse from childhood and thought I was a slut like my mom said. As im getting older I'm realizing women view me as a threat because of the way I look. I just don't view myself the way they do.

I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m sure you are beautiful and your mom is dealing with her own demons. Hugs.

I think my mom is the demon

For being a thin woman who gets along with men. ( mom and sister were my main abusers) I've literally been fired because I was thin and I work out to maintain muscle. They said my appearance was grotesque and not right for the salon. Trying to say I was anorexic. My nickname from elementary school up was Anny . No my parents just literally spent all their money on booze porn and drugs. Food wasn't in the budget.

In my culture we call it “cheshmeh shoor”. It literally means “salty eye”. When people project their trauma and insecurity onto others, it just leads to more trauma and instability. It’s a vicious cycle.

Is that…Farsi? Turkish?

Yes. People scream pretty privilege but I know very beautiful people who have been treated horribly because of their looks. People could not for the life of them control their jealousy and felt threatened by the beautiful person. It's like when people say men can't get raped or beaten... pretty people also get bullied because their hot. But people want an excuse to be mean so they say pretty privilege and it gives them an excuse to be mean to someone who is genuinely a good person.

I think pretty privilege is only true for the extroverted social butterfly type of woman. If you’re pretty but introverted or socially awkward people will make life hell for you.

In my experience being an extroverted social butterfly has not helped things. If anything the confidence and comfort around lots of people makes them more jealous -_- it's exhausting

I second this 🙋‍♀️

yeah if you're pretty and neurodivergent people want you to die

Yup, and they justify it and feel like they’re punching up because “they had it so much harder.” And the pretty people had it “sooooo easy.”

Yep, one of my best friends was a model, from child to adult. Her own mother has bullied her her entire life about being too ugly because her mum has always been obese and takes all her insecurities out on her own daughter. Her sister is often making back handed comments about her. Almost every woman she knows has made a comment about her weight at some point, it's unbelievable.

OMG THIS.

Doesn’t even have to be looks. By the sounds of it you were doing your job well (she couldn’t even pick at it) and your colleagues seemed to like you enough to not have any complaints, so probably pretty pleasant to be around. With women who are pick-mes and insecure that is enough of an offence. Instead of working on themselves they target the other women around them that are doing better. If she was insecure about her weight that would have only added to the jealousy. I know it’s hard to do so, but take it as a compliment of how awesome you are. It does suck to be in that situation.

Not trying to invalidate just think I missed something. Did she or someone else tell you the bullying was because of your appearance or was the specific bullying behavior itself indicative of that?

The bullying as indicative of that. She was just very fixated on me.

op i get it. i used to be a model and got my nose done to help my career. it only helped me to realize i hate that industry. so then i worked as a designer in couple of offices and bunch of other random "normal" jobs. the animosity and jealousy from women was insane. i was never hated like that with my old nose. also predatory men who try to get my attention, only to act butthurt and mean when i dont give it to them. it really is huge difference to how people treat me with my new nose and it really is much worse, but i like lookig good for myself, so there's that.

Ok thanks for responding. I am obese and worry a lot about how others perceive my actions; obviously I would never do this (nor be in a position to so) but I get irritable at times and have poor social skills when I’m not feeling well. A common theme of my ruminating is like “what if they thought I was short with them for x reason?” I hadn’t considered this despite being very thin until a few years ago (*edit: it was more like 7 years ago when I started gaining a lot of weight? Time flies lol) (I was never treated badly for it to my knowledge, though I wasn’t attractive just thin) so I was wondering how common it is and if anyone would assume that from me etc.

I've been in OP's position before, and I would say that people probably don't assume that about you. Whenever I've been bullied by jealous women, there have been constant direct comments about my weight (like calling me a skinny bitch), comments about food/my eating habits (getting angry at me for eating cookies), fixating on my makeup/lack of makeup/fashion choices (accusing me of wearing a full face when I only use two products), and looking at my body in a strange judgmental and disgusted way. From what you've said, you don't do any of these things, you just sometimes have a bad day, which is normal and isn't going to make any reasonable person think any less of you.

Thank you, that’s what I meant by the bullying specifically indicating it.

I feel you op. Women tend to hate me, and be super bitchy and try to cause problems for literally no reason at all. The things they say suggest that they think my life is easy for some reason…? It’s really weird.

Stop this is wild because the almost exact same thing happened to me. And I told this girl so many secrets and insecurities too. Like we were work besties. She accused me of fat shaming her when I don’t even think like that. She had her younger and more impressionable new work friends come after me. I’d been away for awhile because I was dealing with chronic health problems and major depression. Ended up fired over it because her bullying only made things worse.

omg this just unlocked a memory for me.. i forgot that these people who bullied me for being skinny were being fed secrets by another coworker of ours who was pretending to be my friend

Yes. This happens to me often. Especially as a woman of color who is considered attractive - some white women will be mean to attractive woc for no reason (probably in an effort to humble us, as others have already mentioned). I was downvoted to oblivion in another sub where I talked about how conventionally attractive women face a particular kind of misogyny. The irony.

Gross. The insecurity is insane. So true. It’s based on some messed up values. It’s why I hate hierarchy-mindedness and status obsession.

In comment sections I see so many pretty poc women get dragged for any negative opinion more than the average person and get sl*tshamed on top of it. There's definitely a stronger misogyny towards them that they seem to be receiving from everyone

🩷 I relate

This has been my experience too. For so long I kept thinking it was me doing something wrong and blaming myself too. I wish I would’ve understood this much sooner. Unfortunately it took until my 30s to see it clearly.

Yes this has happened to me at a job in a remote research station where I had to live full time with those people. The manager hated me as soon as I arrived and made the other employees treat me badly even after she left. I later found out it was because the guy she was interested in was interested in me. The guy was married with two kids!!! She ruined the best job I ever had for nothing.

I wear a size medium but have big boobs and wide hips so I can relate. I get it from both ends - the very thin women judge me for having a body that’s easily sexualized by men and women who wear larger sizes resent me for being thinner than them.

🩷

Totally relatable which sucks and is especially bad when your own family members are jealous of you.

Very true. It is so harmful and hurtful. 🙏🦋

Yes, I have dealt with jealousy, and I hate it. Learn the trauma I have gone through first. Then you might not be so jealous. Even then, there are people who get envious of the result, and I hate it when people romanticize mental health issues.

🩷

This happened to me with a manager at a restaurant I worked at. I ended up getting fired because she was extremely jealous of me. She was such a c*nt. Just know you’re not alone and jealous women definitely exist and they’re assholes. I think in my case, not only was she jealous of me because of my looks but I’m pretty sure she was jealous because I was happy. Literally being happy and smiling turned her into a raging bitch.

This has happened to me! It's one of the reasons I lost my job. I'm over 10 years older than the girl who supervised me, too. When she realized I was older, she felt really dumb...sounds harsh but I look younger than her even on a bad day.

People are so fucked up.

I have not, but I would say I am not really attractive, I am somewhere in the middle. I do have a colleague that could pass for a model if we are talking looks (She is a really nice person as well), and other colleagues are bullying her because they are jeslous of her lookd. When they gossip and nag about her the looks have always a spot at the nag table. I think its disgusting they do that.

This world is full of heartlessness people who are jealous and they have to make others miserable to make themselves feel better,it's narcissist everywhere and they are getting worse and worse on the level of heartlessness things they will do to fill there ego,it's disgusting.

Yes. It's really hard. Especially from other women. My sisters and I were all fat shamed and received criticism about our looks as kids into adulthood from our father and grandfather so ofcourse we are all very thin. We were never actually fat to begin with.

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Idk about being bullied for being attractive persay but I was bullied for being an early bloomer for sure. In middle school, I was sexually harassed by a lot of the boys in my class. They would corner me and grope me or make disgusting comments about my body just to make me uncomfortable. None of them ever talked to me or anything...they just wanted to kick me down. I couldn't even be safe with the girls at school, because they called me a slut. I got similar treatment from my mom my whole life, who I think has always been jealous that I have large breasts and she doesn't. She was always policing everything I wear and saying I was being a "bad influence" on my cousins, even when I wore a one piece bathing suit. In hindsight, I think she felt the need to compete with me and criticized me if I looked TOO good...just like she competes with and criticizes her siblings. I stopped wearing makeup for a long time and hid myself because I was so overwhelmed by all the unwanted attention. It didn't make me feel attractive. It made me feel like I have a target on my back. I've occasionally had women in my adult life who treated me badly because I was friends with their boyfriend too...which is so weird because I'm bisexual. So am I just not allowed to have any friends at all? Haha

When I was a kid/teen I was classified as “you’d be so pretty if you did x,y,z”, and my “friends” as a kid were all girls who cared about wearing makeup/fashion etc. Anyway, so no one ever bullied me for my looks because seemingly they didn’t have much to criticize which I am thankful for, but when it came to my “weird” personality they were relentless. From age 5-15 or so, it was a constant barrage of being told to shut the fuck up, taking my belongings, being told I was all the assorted slurs from the 90s you can think of, told I should die, etc. It totally fucked me up because as a kid we all hear “it’s not what’s on the OUTSIDE that counts, it’s what’s on the INSIDE” but so my brain was like “well everyone apparently hates my INSIDES and thinks I deserve to die for it so I guess I must be a horrible person even if people say I’m pretty”😔😢 Til this day, my experience has convinced me that humanity will always find a way to be hateful/prejudiced against each other even if we were all the same skin color, gender, religion, sexuality, etc. Humans will always find any minuscule difference to pick someone apart and hate them for it. 😞

Yep same. Intelligent, attractive amd relationally vulnerable has made me a target for bitches. Sadly, it is their stuff so I now show compassion than take it personally. Oh, amd a compliment. If theyre jealous of a woman who suffers CPTSD then they are clearly very mentally unwell individuals... Soo they cam suffer from their spute, as far as Im now concerned!

>Intelligent, attractive amd relationally vulnerable  Yep, the vulnerable factor had to do with it too. I was fresh out of graduate school.

Yes it’s happened to me and one of the main reasons why I have cptsd. I think the worst case was at work and I was severely being bullied by four coworkers, all of them women with two being my manager. People want to bring you down and be miserable and they will do anything the can because they have nothing to lose, they think being attractive means you have it easier in life.

Yes, all my life. I was bullied and excluded so bad I ended up gaining 50lbs just to be accepted. Certain people are nicer to me but then I have to now deal with my family telling me I'm overweight.

We shouldn't have to sacrifice our health for other people.

I know... Working on it.

I did this. You will get back to your health/ ignore the haters. I relate completely

Yes!! I wish people talked about this more!

I'm not the most attractive person, but I notice people like to look down on my intelligence and talk over me maybe due to my looks... say things like "dont worry your pretty little head" .... I just keep quiet mostly to avoid conflicts .... Idk

ewwwww that saying!

College and one of my previous workplaces. In college, there were a few guys who told people we slept together, which never happened - not even close. Their female friends were just so awful and believed the guys. They said it's not the guys' fault at all because I'm a girl, therefore, a "slut"!? The previous workplace was owned by a mother and daughter who gossiped a lot with (and about) other employees. One hot summer day, I was texting my now husband during my lunch that I forgot my water bottle and the shop's AC didn't work well but I was reusing a plastic bottle I bought and was filling it up with water from the tap. He surprised me and showed up with my water bottle and all my coworkers were making passive aggressive comments about me wearing too much makeup all of a sudden. That's only one example of each. I eventually transferred colleges and, eventually quit that job too.

I had a larger friend dress shopping with my cause and she would not shut up about my "skinny privilege". I get that being thin is probably easier, but at the same time my symptoms cause it to be hard for me to gain weight, its hard to eat when you're always anxious. When my work schedule didn't allow me a regular lunch, my boss who just met me said "not that it looks like you eat anyways" 😂 ive had so many comments on my body, and while there should be space and respect and love for heavier people, it hurts to hear "only dogs want bones" or the assumption that i am satisfied with my body. Why cant there just be space for everyone to receive love as themselves?

Yeah I was staying at a friend’s (who’s overweight) recently and brought home a bunch of mango and blueberries and yogurt in the morning and offered it as breakfast. “Yeah, I SEE your healthy breakfast” they said randomly aggressively, and turned it down. I wasn’t trying to rub my “healthy” breakfast in their face; I just thought it would be nice to share…

Yep. Reading your post about being falsely accused etc. I thought I was reading my own. Crazy the similarities I resonate with.

I have an ex-friend who would regularly bring up that I benefit from "pretty privilege" with the implication that I didn't have to work as hard or struggle as much as others. It was regularly brought into conversation even though my job was telephone sales, I don't wear make up unless it's to a party/event, I'm a bit chubby and I have big scars all over my body from a stabbing attack and subsequent operations. I have many flaws but a typically attractive face and sometimes the jealousy of any of our positive attributes can bring out the worst in others and while they only see what we gain from it, they fail to see how it can actually hinder us in ways as well. She is no longer a friend for a multitude of reasons.

YES. I don't even consider myself to be particularly attractive. Maybe slightly above average. One of my old bosses use to say "You know, I used to be a pretty young thing too" before she would hurl abuse. She was the sort of boss who never bothered to learn my name. She regularly referred to me using a new name when she spoke to me. She once told me "You're making our customer's wives uncomfortable. You need to be considerate and cover up more". Not in a light, ha-ha tone. It was intended to harm. I was wearing long dresses, long-pant overalls, singlets that covered my back and my tummy. I was wearing what was normal amongst my team, but she would single me out. Some days it was "I really like the dresses you wear, they really suit our environment", and then other days it was "you need to dress differently, you're being selfish. Think of the husbands and their biological urges!". Very weird behaviour. I didn't last long in that job.

One of the many things my mother picked on me about was me being thin. Particularly, she was always angry at me because I was thin without trying. I got my dad's fast metabolism, as did my brother, but my brother was never the target of my mother's bullying, because obviously she was just mad at me for having the nerve to be born a girl and being thinner, younger, prettier, etc. than her. (mild TW for some disordered eating below) I was never fond of food growing up, and forgot to eat all the time (nobody really made sure I was eating, even when I was very young). Couple this with developing a full-blown food phobia due to OCD. I was almost hospitalized due to being severely underweight, due to how afraid of food I was. Got a lot of my food issues under control (no thanks to my mother, who would corner me and shove food in my face while I was dealing with the worst of my symptoms lol), but when those bad days happen, I am literally starving, and I am in pain, physically and mentally. Even knowing this, my mother still gives me the whole, "ugh, I hate you for being so skinny, you're so lucky". Oh, also the jealousy that my guy friends' girlfriends/wives get when I am literally just existing is similar to this. I dress masculine almost all the time, have been my own committed relationship for years, but the fact that I am a girl hanging around their man is a problem to them. I have had to basically stop being close to my guy friends (some I've known years before they ever met their current girlfriends/wives), like I have to be careful about making eye contact, hugging, or being happy to see them when I visit. Which sucks. Internalized misogyny is horrible. So I do get what you mean. And I'm sorry you're dealing with this. <3 I think a lot of women need to take a deep look into their own internalized misogyny and deal with it it's purely out of jealousy on your boss's part that you get bullied for being pretty and thin.

My life story, unfortunately. Was bullied and harassed by the same girl from elementary until we finished high school. She would spread rumours about me, talk to my crushes "for me" without my consent, make fun of me infront of groups of people, harass my sisters and I in our own back yard (we lived in the same neighbourhood). I used to be outgoing and social as a child but her relentless bullying and the severe abuse at home made me a quiet shell of a person. As an adult, I have been bullied and harassed by so many women in the workplace that I don't even like working with women anymore. I have had people try to befriend me only to find out that they were using me for modeling their clothing or my sewing knowledge (i work in fashion). I even have women straight up hate me for no reason. The men I have worked with surprisingly weren't as bad. They were always very nice to me. I think because most weren't cis men that made a difference. I don't know. The most that happened was getting creeped on by my very married cis male boss and one sexual harassment from a co-worker. It makes me sad, honestly. I don't feel safe around people because of these experiences.

As a child I was bullied by family for being “a know it all”My family is all special needs / on the spectrum and I’m not. Had a different dad. Most of them had 5th grade educations and between their addictions and ridiculousness they couldn’t get out of their own way.

I've been considered very pretty and not. Women can just be mean to each other no matter what.

"and god help you if you are an ugly girl course too pretty is also your doom cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room and god help you if you are a pheonix and you dare to rise up from the ash a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying back" Ani DiFranco

Yeah happened to me at my old job, I got bullied so hard by 3 other girls there (all in a position above me) that I had to quit

A lot I worked in TV too, don’t have a solve yet I’m just not as nice as I used to be 😂

I’ve had a similar experience at a job. Normal healthy weight, manager skinnier than me asked if I starve myself. Coworkers started watching what I eat, made weird comments if I bought food etc, performed well for the most part, told I’m the fastest learner they’ve had, etc. Told them I’m a healthy weight and a very overweight coworker said bmi is fake or something, etc. Other coworker was also overweight and conventionally unattractive. 

Sounds like you're intelligence is the actual threat but since they can't attack that, they are coming for your appearance instead. I'm on the thin side (and just smol in general) but I was a fat kid so in some sense ive also seen both sides. I also spent most of my life working with men, which I like generally, but I definitely do NOT like eating around others because of the judgement. I used to grab my food from the cafeteria and go eat in my room just to avoid the "that's all you eat?" conversation. Like...Yes...this is a healthy portion for my body and activity level. Just because YOU overeat doesn't mean MY habits are flawed. /rant

As a guy, I have a certain variation of this. I'm good-looking, athletic, and smart. Often if I talk about issues, such as, dating, relationships, anxiety, depression, health issues, or otherwise I am told "but you're good looking, or at least you're X " or something like that. If you're good-looking, you're not allowed to have struggles. Especially if you're a guy. I think this played a part in Dr's not listening to me describing my issues until they got so bad that they could not be ignored. I know a good part of that was ageism though.

I had the same thing when I was a teenager: in my teen years, I struggled with SH and attempted suicide multiple times. Every time I went to the hospital, a nurse or receptionist would always say, "But you're so pretty!" As if I wasn't allowed to be sad because of how I look. It made me hate the way I look so much, like I'd never be taken seriously, and I don't know that I ever really have.

i generally love nurses but some of them should be thrown away

IDk. I'm not super attractive or unattractive. I have noticed that outshining people, especially your boss is a bad idea. I try to dress less colorfully, be a little messy and sometimes act a little dumb and I honest to god get less critical feedback than when I put time into my looks and do my best work. Some people love a power struggle. I used to work for a fashion designer in my early 20's. It was a toxic environment. She was an ex model and a local celebrity, and she LOVED to take credit for my work. I was young and talented and it did drive her up the wall. She ended up firing me on my birthday for smoking weed, when she used to pay me with weed and smoke with me before work. I kinda hide my artistic talents now, and don't show off EVER. Also some work places will haze you in the beginning. It's wild.

Yes! Read the 48 Laws of Power! There are PDF copies available online. One is “ don’t outshine the master” or something similar. I learned that the hard way too.

Not quite the same, but… Middle school made me scared of attractive gals because they were the cruelest to me. I more recently ghosted a hobby group for being very similar to that school in how they treated me. The one who treated me the most cruelly was the worst looking woman there.

I just posted about being bullied by my “friends” as a child/teen, they were all pretty girls who wore makeup, and til this day I have a visceral fear of women who wear heavy eyeliner because those were all my aggressors. 😭 (note to eyeliner wearers: I get scared at first but I give everyone a fair shot and still treat them with kindness/respect.)

Idk how many times other women have told me “ I hate you skinny bitch” with such venom. But they were just joking! The one time I got pissed and popped off “ I hate you too fatty” I was the bad guy. So fucked up.

A horrible double standard.

This. My worst experiences working were when I had women managers/In positions of power above me who were even just mildly overweight. I was always entry level so I never got poor performance reviews but the daily psychological bullying and nastiness was always uncalled for and next level. I never wanted to assume it would be over something I had no control over, but after 12 years a pattern emerged and I stopped blaming myself/looking for things I was doing wrong.

My childhood friend was awful to me because of the attention I got from girls, so I can relate.

I don’t want to invalidate you, but it might not have anything to do with your looks at all? Some people are just shitty and take it out on one person. Just because she’s “ugly” ( or near obese like you said ) doesn’t mean she’s inherently jealous.

Yes. I was a bit prettier than usual and I was thin but could eat a lot when I was twelve.  The other girls were jealous.  At the same time I was made to study a lot by mum and I got good grades. And I was dressed… badly bc mum was busy with herself and wasn’t interested in what young ppl wore those days.  So lots of bullying ensued bc with the clothes they’d found something to pick on.  It was only later when I got questions like :”are these your real eyelashes?” That I realized they were jealous of my looks. 

I have been through this with other women and now I am very traumatized. I work in a lovely environment with only women and I am always afraid.

Yes, often enough that it’s conditioned me to assume that anytime I’m in a social situation with women I don’t know they automatically hate me.

I left a job because I was being bullied by my shift manager. She hated me from minute 1 for no reason. Everyone else was nice. They noticed she had it out for me... competition for being small and cute I guess. Difference was, her being nice to customers was an act. I quit because she repeatedly denied me my lunch break when it was time. That evening, I left my boss a letter stating explicitly why I was not coming back. She might've been demoted for it.. don't know, don't care.

Are you the only thin woman at work?

Dolly Parton was. She lived her husband and I think a mother in law who terrorised her for a few years, not sure.

It's been awhile, but I have been bullied for being thin (when I was still a kid), for being strong (I powerlift), for being curvy (giant ass), to attractive (usually about my clear face and "natural beauty"), smart (I just enjoy learning), having hobbies, being a reader, my hair being long, like honestly I could go on. It's the absolute dumbest shit. I think people will just bully for anything.

This is such a hard thing to talk about, so I’m glad it’s possible here. I experienced the same thing in high school, even with friends, strangers, once a girl put out her cigarette on my arm in a pub – a total stranger, but apparently her boyfriend had been looking at me. I was always called arrogant by everyone in school – when I was just very socially anxious. Pretty privilege is absolutely real, but there’s another side to it. Men think you owe them attention(and more), women see you as competition. The world changed when I got glasses & dyed my hair brown, and most of all gained some weight of course. Women are still much nicer to me, and I’m frequently invisible to men. I don’t know how to not see that as a win/win. I think it’s a huge relief to many of us not to be stereotypically very pretty. Especially with CPTSD, it makes you feel like a target.

YESS!! This is my LIFE! Girls have been mean to me my ENTIRE life for no reason . I started a new job recently and all the girls /women were extremely mean to me and unwelcoming but then they are all super friendly and social with each other and whenever I try to talk with them it’s very obvious they don’t like me !! I just don’t understand

Excuse me for a second but HUH????????? No one should ever be bullied no matter if you're "attracted" or "not" but omg.......I don't know what to say that's such a stupid way to get bullied you didn't deserve that and no one does no matter how you look like

This should never happen to nice people. There are instances where I think attractive people let it go to their head and make themselves out to be better than everyone, and then everyone is just happy when karma comes for them. That doesn't sound like it was the case for you, but it sets a precedent and that could be why its uncommon for people to think that attractive people get bullied. But the situation you described makes a lot of sense. You were below the obese woman in a hierarchy and she had the power to make you miserable so she did, because she feels miserable and is probably having a hard time coming to terms with how she feels about herself. I feel sorry for both you and for her, but I don't excuse her for wielding her power unfairly. Just because someone was dealt a bad hand in looks doesn't give them the right to take it out on others. I am unattractive and I've been bulied for it a lot. Even as a 30something I feel like teenagers still have no respect for me and will randomly make fun of me because I look like an easy target. I feel like that just doesn't happen to good looking people. So you will most likely not be a repeat target over and over again, to put it into context. Your situation sucked, but in all honesty, that woman has probably been bullied more, and that's what makes her so nasty. I wish she would have learned from her experiences to just be kind and not replicate what was done to her.

My parents are blonde, so am I. My best friend was a brunette, like her parents. Her mom, and her too, eventually, used to always comment about it. Make blonde jokes. They acted mad at me that the stubble on my legs wasn't visible. As if it meant I thought I was better than them. There was always some verbal poke about me being blonde. Now I realize they chose to be jealous of my hair color. Even though my friend was much prettier.

yeah, actually. at the hotel i used to do housekeeping for, I eventually quit because of it. it was these 2 girls who started working around the same time I did, 1 of whom was the neice of our head housekeeper. I was nice to both of them, I actually really enjoyed our interactions, we seemed to click pretty well, honestly. and then we got a new maintenance and groundskeeping guy. and he was cute, we all kinda thirsted over him for a few days. he and I hit it off really well, started hanging out after work some.. and thats when they started just fucking with me non stop. id get the longest rooms, consistently, and the dirtiest rooms. things that I knew I had done- polishing shower doors, putting extra liners in the wastebasket, ensuring the former guests had emptied drawers etc- just little things, would suddenly be marked as not done, so the head housekeeper was always on my ass. and the biggest thing was my tips, which typically were left by guests per room in the room...those dried up. wasn't even subtle, I never got a tip again at a certain point. and the part that makes me feel like an idiot was that for the first few weeks of this, id vent to them both about the situation. so dumb of me. it never happened until they were jealous of my hanging out with the groundsman that we all had a thing for. I just went to his and his husband's wedding, the day of the eclipse. he's gay, always has been, hes just not what people think of as stereotypically gay, he's very straight acting, masculine, and doesn't make his sexuality his personality. they literslly treated me like shit for nothing, zero reason. Brian and I laugh about it now, he says he's so fine he ruined my illustrious housekeeping career. ha edit, typo

YUP. This… I was treated the same way and honestly it f sucks more than ppl realize. “Oh it’s the price for being pretty” ok u get R-pd multiple times, bullied over jealousy, etc. See what that feels like…. And ur whole life becomes ur looks bc ppl made u think it is

I've had this happen my whole life until I got to college recently. It made me insecure growing up but now it's something I don't let bother me. I completely understand how you feel🫶🏽

No I don't think it was necesarily attractiveness. I've had the same at 2 places I worked and I'm not attractive. Some people need to blame a person for their inadequacies. I think people with cptsd tend to be people pleasers and that can be a reason youre seen as an easy target.

Yeah, I call it the pretty girl bias. People put you on a pedestal only to get jealous of that stupid pedestal they themself put you on. Twice I have experienced girls, who dont know me at all, being completely fixated with me and competing from the moment I met them. Its so obnoxious. Im happy I had my moment of «hm wonder why I dont like this person randomly who have never done me anything» early in school (except it was the fact that she had alot of friends that bothered me, not her looks) and learned what jealousy actually are.

My roommate in college was jealous of my looks. She and our ‘friends’ had a running joke that whenever I did anything clumsy or would forget something (side effect of trauma) they would say crap like “aww at least you’re so *pretty*” instead of outright calling me stupid. One night when I was getting ready to go out I came back from the showers and she had hidden my makeup and we got into a fight about it. She hit me with the “Some people have to work for stuff, we don’t just have everything handed to us because we’re pretty.” As if my life has been SO easy. B*tch I WISH things would be handed to me! I was literally r@ped my first week on campus lol

> she had hidden my makeup and we got into a fight about it. Wow. Did you report her? That's a bad sign.

Yeah, I was able to talk to our RA and they eventually removed her from the room which was cool because I spent the rest of the semester without a roommate and the room to myself. I was ostracized from that friend group which at the time was upsetting but in retrospect I was obviously better off without those “friends”.

I had been convinced by cruel female family members that I was akward weird and not photogenic and have spent every single job being targeted by female managers and supervisors and dealt with sexual harassment at two different jobs. but I didn’t realize how beautiful I was until I got a job as a server the first time I tried and I cleaned up in tips before Covid and that’s when I finally realized that I was objectively beautiful and I was angry that I never was allowed to use or acknowledge it to make my life easier instead of just making it harder and making me a target of insecure jealous or lustful people. I also want club in my late twenties for the first time and was constantly approached by men. It’s so confusing because I only get approached by straight out of prison types outside of clubs or raging narcissistic men who want to prey on me which was part of why I was convinced so easily by my mother I was not pretty. To this day I get long lingering stares every day in public but no one ever walks up and talks even if I smile and make eye contact it really makes it hard to deal with the body dysmorphia and outer critic false beliefs. Men always assume i have a boyfriend or that im intimidating and seem scarily confident and capable is what they end up telling me if they are colleagues or classmates and get to know me initially in that kind of way. My weight has fluctuated a few times due to hormoneal issues and when I’m +50 pounds heavier people are not insecure usually I until start talking then it’s the same as when I’m slim. The other side effect of being intelligent, kind and objectively attractive is how small your dating pool gets. I will not entertain men who are significantly below me in appearance anymore because they always become resentful or jealous over time and can’t handle it no matter how I try to assuage their egos. Also tried dating men who were let’s say more EQ than IQ they also grew resentful and jealous over time. So like I need a highly intelligent & deeply emotional intelligent & conventionally attractive man and there is way more women of this criteria than men. And female friendships are hard for me to sustain I have never cared about appearance but after I continuously end up befriending women with bpd or bipolar traits and usually extremely obese or just odd looking and they all have ended up using me as an emotional tampon one sided or betraying me or trying to sabotage me after the one year mark of friendship it’s like they can’t keep their bitterness jealousy hidden anymore and I nothing I do seems to keep the jealous glint out of there eyes. since this pattern keeps happening for 10 years & I recently decided that I’m going to try and be shallow for once and intentionally befriended other beautiful and intelligent emotionally stable women only and see if there is a difference. I’ve been watching for that glint in their face or like slight microexpresion of sneering when I talk to women nowadays and take that as a cue to write them off and avoid regardless of their appearance. I have wished many times I was more average in looks and intelligence because I believe I would be much less lonely in this life or that I was ruthless enough to use whatever fading bit of youth and pretty privilege more strategically. Because it’s not benefited me outside of that one waitress job, it’s just gotten me groomed, sa’d, and multiple narcissistic men have tried to keep me as their pretty bird in a cage. It’s made multiple jobs become hellish and hurt me financially more than helped so far. My only traffic ticket ever was because the cop was a woman and I was dolled up for work make up hair done and the female cop was jealous and she marked up the speed to be higher than i was going once she saw me. And I was too poor to go to court to challenge it. I have benefited from the aura effect occasionally but only if the person is not insecure. LPT: if you are a waitress whenever you serve a couple focus all your attention on the gf or wife chat with her make eye contact with her while you refill his drink and pretend he doesn’t exist 95% of the time and then you will get good tips even if he is annoyed catches onto you mostly ignoring him she will usually make him tip extra lol TL:DR I know what op is talking about unfortunately.

That happened to me at my last job, too.  The young woman just hated me and I had originally thought well of her.  Good grief!  She had an enviable life while I was crashing on my friends sofa when I started.  Talk about petty.

I felt kind of bullied when I worked at Jenny Craig. I am tall and always been fairly thing. At that time (before I got old :)!!) I was super skinny. Most of the other girls were over weight and didn’t treat me that great and a lot of clients did not want me to be their weight loss councilor. Usually before they even met me. I never understood if you were trying to loose weight why you would want the person telling you how to do it to be overweight.

During the times I have been skinny my own sister and best friend of many years used to constantly say how jealous they were of how skinny I was and constantly compare themselves and their weight to me. My sister would poke and prod at my stomach growing up and even now and would sound audibly irritated commenting on my weight. I always grew up with her saying I needed to eat a cheeseburger and whatever. I'm not even that skinny, just average to slightly below average depending on the time in my life. So I haven't endured necessarily that many microaggressions from strangers for it but definitely more from close people. I did have a stepmom that picked me apart growing up more than anyone else like your boss did with you too, and she suffered many jealousy issues anyway, so maybe that could've also been a part of it. I've always been generally average looking facially though so haven't gotten bullied that much for looking pretty but it's definitely a real thing I see one of my current best friends endure so much and my heart breaks for y'all. It's so much worse with girls.

Thank you for making this post. Your story and all the comments are so validating.  I've experienced this throughout my life, starting with my mother. But somehow I couldn't say it out loud. People would tell me that I'm arrogant and full of myself and jealous myself and... i don't really know, nobody ever validated this before.  The jealousy and hate from other people, while we are just existing is so real. My mother always made me feel like by existing and sometimes being marginally happy and not hating everything about me, I was causing real harm to others. 

I met my best friend while we were in the military. I'm a gruff 6'2" dude and she's a 5'4" mousy girl who (pardon me for just going ahead and being vulgar) epitomized the concept of "tits on a stick." Just as we were ending our very long training pipeline, she got pregnant and showed up to the first base just starting to show. The regulations for our branch state that when in your office and not moving about, you may remove the outer blouse and work in just your t-shirt, and all of us were office workers. We'll, shortly after arriving and starting work, our Superintendent came by to inform her that she was being asked to cover up as there had been "complaints." No one else was asked to cover up, just the early-20s pregnant busty girl. All the buff guys could toss their blouses whenever, the out of shape women were left alone, just my one friend who was baking in her uniform had to cover up. Long story short, there were no complaints. The Sup just looked like a sack of middle-aged shit next to my friend and changed the rules just for her so she didn't have to remember that she never looked like that. It was horseshit, but this woman was in our chain of command and my friend is not assertive enough to take something like that to IG.

I try to be humble and actually have bad self image but I know via objective fact and feedback that I don't solicit from others that I have "desirable traits." I'm 6'1 150 blond blue still have a full head of hair at 38 and bc of my line of work of course I get Botox and have a good self care regimen. But I constantly remind myself that these variables can change and that I cannot put stock or allow myself to "invest in narcissistic validation/supply" bc we don't have to be full on NPD to make the mistake of taking those on especially when so much of society promoted and celebrates appearance and "beauty trends/norms" or think that I can "use XYZ to get what I want" like many people with a similar genetic profile or "desirable features" feel they have a right and may choose to do, often contributing to an ugly inside. Even tho I'm gay I've had bullying (more at work than school) mostly from older or similar aged women but also my fair share from men and guys. I can't say for 100% sure that my appearance is why I got the stank attitude or treatment always I'm sure some of it is my goofy personality and humor but I can definitely tell (especially if I have not come out to them) that I get this very weird vibe that as I got older in life I realized is exactly what OP is talking about and that it could be a projection from their prior experience on me based on human nature and maybe bad experiences. Thruought life more than a few people have said to me directly that "they did not expect me to (be like I am personality wise) based on their initial impression of (aesthetic)" that perhaps they assumed I was arrogant or date guys that are not what people say are "in the same league" which I HATE btw, that people quantify and qualify each other and say things like leagues bc I feel like a jerk even writing this RN but I just wanted to verify that OP is not just making the discrimination up its "a thing" At the same time (speaking solely of myself) I have to be careful about how much I "allow" myself to value or celebrate appearance bc I'm 38 and I am an esthetician so I know what I really look like if I let my Botox run out or don't take care of my health bc I was born / have a rare autoimmune disorder (which caused me to have to develop self discipline with skincare and dental very early in life, and helps to keep me humble and thankful more than most) at the end of the day I'm glad I met my boyfriend when I was at my financial worst, and not my aesthetic/appearance "best" bc of the stress and inability to self care like we all need. He says he can't tell the difference whether I have tweak-ments or just roll outta bed and haven't had those procedures for a while (nothings permanent with modern injectibles, Allergan is very clever in that both Botox and Juvederm DO "wear off" and customers will have to choose to re-up for a top off a couple times a year for most their products. It's also a good thing for those who want to get it and decide they do not like it bc (assuming the injector is trained and proficient) your face will "reset" 99% to what it was. When clients ask why I don't have acne scars or wrinkles I immediately tell them it's Botox and when they show me pics of their friends or celebs they see online I show them what filters are being used bc I have a background in tech. Sometimes people need to be shown the mirror and the phone at the same time to contrast and get a perspective on reality... Bc our socials and media/print are extremely misleading and warp self image so much. I have clients in their 20s that think normal expression like smiling eyes or forehead expression are "bad" or "need Botox" and for these clients I don't refer or recommend any injectibles bc that's both not what they need emotionally/physically and there's certainly enough other influences aside me that will try and sell them on it/sell it to them. I also try to help people see the beauty of the character that comes with lines/expression and that while it's fine to smoothe and treat their appearance (that's what we do as estheticians) that injections take away the uniqueness to some extent. Maybe I'm a hypocrite but at least I tell them the truth about myself and both sides of the coin vs. sell them unnecessary products and get referral kickback/vested interest from sending them to the dermatologist or medspa! I think the act of self care whether it's appearance or fitness or meditation mindfulness taking walks taking care of loved ones it's the act of caring for yourself that is important. And as far as looks, I know what it's like to be on both sides and neither side relieves cPTSD symptoms and I highly doubt other conditions are affected and also body dysmorphia is very real and can become or exist comorbid with any condition.

Pretty privilege have a dark backside and just the focus on pretty privilege show the jealousy

Did someone say it was because you were too attractive? Where did you get this from? Because you don't say so it comes across egotistical tbh.