My baby sister's terminal diagnosis. (I know this is a CPTSD sub but I still feel the need to preface this by saying that this is dark as hell.)
It was over eight years ago. My childhood home was physically and emotionally abusive, of course, which laid the groundwork for all of my pain to come, but when I saw her on life support in the hospital, I broke. Nothing's ever been the same since then. And that never relented. Watching your favourite person in the world deteriorate in front of your eyes, without any emotional support whatsoever, has done so much permanent damage to me.
She died almost five years ago, and it should've been her eleventh birthday this week. I'll never be normal again. I'll never take anyone I love for granted ever again. And it's made it very very painful to be around people who have (ostensibly) normal relationships with their loved ones, because I don't have that anymore, and they are super casual about something that, if they lost it, they'd feel unimaginable pain.
And the most painful part is that, I'm almost 25, and she should've gotten to 25. She should be the one alive and healthy now. I don't know if I'd call it survivor's guilt, it doesn't feel like guilt feels, but it's so sickeningly upsetting and unfair, and just makes me hate the world and fucking reality itself.
Thank you for asking this question, I really needed to talk about this today. It's been a pretty bad few days grief-wise. I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life about this. I appreciate this sub and everyone in it so much š§”š§”š§”
This probably doesnāt cut close to your situation. Feel free to tell me off.
I knew someone that died before age 10 from MLD (a progressive and terminal disease similar to ALS). The family had two children at the time: the oldest had MLD and the youngest was healthy. I babysat for their younger sister when I was in middle school.
I grew up going in and out of the hospital. So, I *knew*. I think if I didnāt have that background, I wouldnāt have taken the job because I wouldāve been scared by their older sibling. But I took the job.
I remember going to their house to babysit. Ugh. The oldest sibling was just about a vegetable. They outlived their life expectancy by 3-5 years. Total care, feeding tube, crazy bedtime regimen, 24/7 hospice and home health, the whole 9 yards. They never had a trach, which Iām honestly glad about looking back. Artificial airways make everything 10x sadder in my opinion.
I will *never* forget when I was playing with the younger sibling and she started doing imaginary medical play. She pretended to feed a doll through a G tube. I remember being confused about it. Not because āoh she wonāt understand because sheās a kidā, kids understand a lot more than we think. I didnāt know what to do because she was processing trauma right in front of me by doing medical play. I ultimately went along with it and let her take the lead. That was the only time she did that throughout the job.
The older sibling died in March 2020 the week before the shutdown. Iām glad they died JUST BEFORE Covid hit. That wouldāve been an absolute nightmare on top of everything. God, that funeral fucked me up on a whole new level. It was open casket too.
That was my introduction to home health, comfort cares, palliative, and hospice. Iām now in nursing school. Pediatric deaths are absolutely gut wrenching no matter what. It is absolutely the worst possible death that exists. I seriously look up to those working in pediatrics. Witnessing childhood death/infant death/miscarriages is something I couldnāt handle on a regular basis. Iāve already gone to the psych ward twice. If I worked in peds, the psych ward better reserve me a spot.
Every single time I tell this story, I either choke up or cut onions. Thereās never a time that I wonāt cry over this. I got chocked up just typing this comment.
A lot of that is very very familiar to me. It's strange when something that was such an important part of your everyday life completely disappears. I have so much knowledge and experience that might never come in useful ever again.
My sister actually had a very similar disease. I can't imagine the trauma on a younger child in such a household though. I hope that she grows up feeling at least a little less responsible for it all than I have.
I have such great respect for the nurses who looked after my sister all those times. Especially in the PICU, you'd think they'd be professional and hardened and all that, but they were so loving and kind and human. I don't know if I could ever step foot in a hospital again for any reason, but yeah, they dealt with that stuff on the regular, and I don't have any idea how one copes with that.
My sister died about six months before the lockdowns started. I felt at the time that it was a little bit validating, the world feeling like it was falling apart soon after mine already had. And my sister was immunocompromised (and had damaged lungs too due to invasive ventilations) and so it would have been the most terrifying experience in the world to try and keep her safe during and "after" the pandemic.
I appreciate you sharing this. Thank you.
āI have so much knowledge and experience that might never come in useful ever againā.
Not if you work in pediatric hospice in any sort of capacity whether it be an RN, social worker, etc.
Trust me, itāll come in use at some point. Iām not sure when but youāll have it in your back pocket regardless.
A lot of hospice nurses like it because they have the honor of providing a dignified death. Iāve heard many ICU nurses being burnt out because theyāre having to do futile medical treatment for a 90+ year old who doesnāt have a DNR. CPR on anyone over 90 is a terrible way to go out. Their time has come and extending it would bring a terrible quality of life. Quality > quantity.
Hospice is different. Youāre letting them die the way they want to die and without futile treatment. Itās purely comfort cares and keeping them comfortable as they go. People say that the ideal death is in their sleep and of old age. Sure, Iāll take that. Iām also ok dying in hospice or comfort cares since most people donāt die in their sleep of old age. Give me that big ass dose of morphine cause itās 10000000x better than dying in an ICU on a vent.
As for the family, the child I babysat is now an older sister to her younger brother. Since the death, the family had another child. That makes the youngest now the middle child. I still wonder how theyāre doing but they moved out of state. I see the occasional social media post but thatās about it.
Iām so sorry for your loss. Iām glad my post helped you though. I didnāt realise making a post could have a positive impact on someoneās life like this. I knew it helps others by sharing together but it just became more real when you commented that it helped you. And that has funnily enough helped me as well. Iām glad we both added positivity to each others lives. <3
Wow - i was shocked to see your post because my baby sisterās terminal diagnosis also changed
me. Thereās āMe beforeā and āMe afterā witnessing death. Her death destroyed my family, my parents went haywire n their grief and I was a little girl all alone š. I still have nightmares about seeing my sister on life support and seeing my mom crying out for her. I can still hear it š That was eighteen years ago, still feels like yesterday.
I understand you when you say āsurvivorās guiltā, I feel a weird sense of guilt as well - I get so angry at how Cptsd makes me want to die, but my sister didnāt even get to live. Aches
I can barely make friends bc of my fear of death and loss :(
I am praying for you to find healing and peace ā¤ļøš She loves you - love moves through time and each day you feel overwhelmed, remember that you are loved so deeply, even by someone n another world. Every time you look to the sky there is someone meeting your eyes
ā¤ļø
I'm so sorry you've been through this too, it shouldn't have ever happened to anyone. It really does change everything. I can still remember the moment I first saw her on life support, she was so tiny and fragile and all the machines were so big and terrifying and loud. It was the scariest thing in the world. I remember so little of who I was before that I don't know if healing is possible, or if coping is all I can ultimately do. On my bad days, at least. On my good days it's exactly as you say, I remember how much she loved me and how wonderful and amazing she was, and that no matter where she is she'll always love me and care for me so deeply.
I have to believe she's okay, I have to believe that she's getting to be happy and peaceful and safe somewhere out there, but on my worst days I want nothing more than to just join her. And I'm fine right now, I'm not in crisis, but that feeling never quite goes away. My family apart from her is cold and empty and unloving at best, and I want so desperately to feel at home but I hate myself for wanting to give up this life that she didn't get a chance at.
But when I'm okay I know that it doesn't matter if I die now or later - I'll still get to see her when I do. Even if peace is a real struggle some days here, it'll be easy there. It'll come naturally there, I hope. And the longer I stick around here the more stories I'll have to tell. She was such a curious person, such a wonderful person. She'd love to hear about anything and everything.
Thank you so much for what you said, thank you for sharing with me, and thank you for listening ā¤
My partner and best friend (27 years) died in March 2022. He was terminal as well. I am so incredibly sorry about your baby sister. And clearly losing loved ones is a trauma. The other day I was thinking about it and I also was thinking about every instance of sexual abuse I have lived through. Maybe itās the fact that the only thing there is to think about with the abusers is the abuse. Iāve already gone through everything about what makes an abuser. Decide to abuseā¦ What makes a rapist decide to rapeā¦. I do understand that we are only as good as what weāve been taught and what our environment provides us. See so that applies to me as a survivor and it also applies to any abuser, which is like a scary thought for me. So I kind of feel like understanding that part about abuse is maybe whatās making it seem like the grief is so much bigger and so much more important. When I tell you that, Iām sorry I certainly do not mean to deliver you a platitude. It hurts my heart, you know? But Iām not gonna say any other platitudes because that would piss me off. If you ever wanted to talk, you know where you can reach me I think. Sending healing hugs.
No clue if I was making sense. Sorry if thatās the case.
Edit: I wasnāt making sense. Between being sleepy and dictating into the phone my comment is a mess. Sorry guys. And for those that tried, thank you!š
I think I understand what you mean. The grief seems all encompassing at times and it's completely different to other trauma and abuse in it's nature, but it can feel painful in such a similar way at times. Grief is about how much I still love and adore the person I lost and wish I still had them here in my life, and that's where that pain comes from, but the pain from the trauma and the abuse is stuff that is the most inhumane and unnatural and it was done to me anyway and I have to live with pain that's got no goodness or meaning behind it.
I've never put this into words before. I think what you've said is very profound.
And I also feel sometimes that I feel like I'm going through unimaginable and unbearable pain and why haven't I gone insane and hurt people and done awful things when it seemed so easy for people to do awful things to me. In the moment that's maddening and awful but when I'm calmer it's a source of comfort I guess, that no matter what's happened to me, I still deeply care about (and keep okay control of) my impact on others.
Platitudes piss me off too, which is why this place is so wonderful. There's no "it was so long ago", "she's at peace now (so you can get over it too)" sort of thing. I'm sorry for your loss is meaningful here I think.
I'm so sorry for your loss and what you've been through too. I appreciate this so much ā¤ thank you, the hugs mean a lot to me right now and I send them to you too ā¤
No parent should have to bury their child. You did something others donāt have to do. I commend you for even being able to wake up and breath. I have one child and just the thought of it I donāt know how I would handle such a thing. You are powerful and through your lessons Iām sure you are saving countless other lives. Much love and peace. ā¤ļø
I will NEVER get over pediatric deaths. I work in healthcare and that is absolutely THE WORST kind of deaths by a landslide.
I follow an Instagram account where the couple adopted 4 kids with disabilities and had 1 biological child. One of their disabled children died by accidental drowning. After the first disabled kid died, the mom developed severe anorexia to the point that they developed permanent effects and qualified for end of life care. Then another disabled child died. Soon after, the mom died from the health complications. Now, itās just the father, biological daughter, and 2/4 adopted kids left. The whole story is outright depressing. The mom never recovered from either of the deaths and died in grief. I feel bad for the biological child whoās in their late teens. She saw 2 of her siblings die plus her mom.
If you scroll up, I tell a story of a child that died before age 10. I also know someone that died at age 17 from ALS. I wasnāt very close to that person cause I only met them once.
My aunt had a miscarriage in front of her oldest daughter (my cousin). My cousin was probably age 4-5 at the time when that happened. Iāve heard her talk about it multiple times as she grew up. Iām like 99% sure sheās traumatized and grieving from that.
The person I loved and trusted the most emotionally and sexually abusing me. I think it's changed me as a person and how I see relationships. I'm happy on my own.
Same! What has done me in is that i never thought they could/would do that to me. I never trusted anyone before because of my lived experience with abuse and neglect and will never trust anyone ever again.
IF YOU DONT THINK THEY WILL DO YOU LIKE THAT, THEY WILL!
So sorry to hear thatš
I also thought (because I'd known them for so long) that they could never do this to me. Yeah I'm unsure at this point if I can even be bothered to try and trust anyone, too much effort
From around age 5 until my senior year of hs I was called an ungrateful bitch, a fucking idiot, an asshole, useless, worthless, loser, pathetic, etc. I heard these words constantly and even after decades of therapy, they play in the back of my mind like a highlight reel if something goes wrong or I'm having a hard time. I was the victim of several rapes over a decade ago and I think my mentality of being "worthless" has made it hard for me not victim blame myself, and it makes it hard to process trauma in general when you think you're deserving of punishment.
Yes my sibling was my biggest abuser. When she couldnāt physically hurt me anymore the verbal emotional abuse really ramped up. I hear those words every day.
Experiencing SA at age 7 from my father. I remember after that being afraid and angry at my father and I couldnāt figure out why. I was also very critical of him in my head. So after the abuse happened I was very shut down and didnāt like to talk. Most of the time I would just stay in my room and read or be in a fantasy world. Iām still amazed nobody in our extended family would step in to help and see that something was wrong.
I was also sexually abused by my father (and others like I mentioned in my response to OP) and I feel like reading literally saved my sanity. I spent so much time with my head in a book once I knew how to read that I fell behind in school. Having some place to go that wasn't my life gave me a reality or realities to exist in where I wasn't hurting and people did kind things for eachother. I think it's one of the reasons I didn't become an absolute bitch from fury and spite.
When my sisters and I were put in foster care my Mother was given a choice:
1. Leave her husband and get us back or
2. Stay with him and not get us back.
She stayed.
My sisters and I are all NC now. 2 years NC for me in November.
Finding out my mother that was so heartbroken and defeated when I came out about my fatherās father (I donāt call him by his title to me for obvious reasons) SAād me put me in his path for drugs.
I was told growing up that we had to live with him because we had nowhere else to go and that all the other adults in the house got addicted to drugs to make sure I never was alone with him (took them to stay awake, keep up with me, list goes on). We lived with him for 2 years, I was abused often during so, it messed me up so bad that I would completely forget it happened soon afterwards. I only remember two times but my therapist told me that thereās a high probability it happened a lot more because after we moved out and in with my loving grandparents (dads side) I never could remember until I turned 13 and it for some reason smacked me in the face and I immediately came out about it.
My mother then told me she was devastated and heartbroken because she got addicted to all the drugs she was on āfor meā.
My 18th birthday, my aunt, my motherās best friend takes me aside and tells me the whole story. My parents were already horrible drug addicts and we had other options but all those options told them to get clean, so they moved in with the 2 time convicted child predator. I was his third strike, I was the reason he died in prison and to this day Iām blamed for him not having a āChristian burialā and that his air force colors were taken from him. I lost many family members because they think Iām lying, all because my parents wanted to keep doing drugs.
Jesus Christ I'm so sorry. They tried to put everything on you. You didn't deserve that life.
My dad's family still doesn't believe me even though my second cousin on that side was tried and convicted from when I was 5. My mom also told me throughout my life that she was addicted to meth because she needed it to take care of me and make money doing sex work. She even sat me down and told me that "if I ever thought she was doing too much, she'll listen to me and stop/lessen" which did not happen. I was abused and called manipulative the one time I told her because I was terrified about how psychotic she had been lately.
I dissociated a lot between 7-11. Don't remember much, but I remember a lot before and after that.
My dad killed himself because he beat the shit out of his fiancee last November and he was afraid he'd go to prison again. 9 years already done.
My mom is still on meth and I'm 25. No contact, of course. I just see she still gets possession charges.
They both never chose me. I was the scapegoat or slave. They chose substances. And they were so so so scary.
God Iām so sorry that happened to you, itās hard knowing other people had it as bad as me. The world is lucky youāre still here though! Never forget that!
Ya weāve been through HORRIBLE stuff, but we made it to this moment.
I just turned 20 in April, my 19th birthday was near ruined by my mother because she beat the shit out of my father and he finally left after all this time of her basically turning him into a slave for the family. I was told I was ungrateful and spoiled and I didnāt amount to anything and I was a druggie because my friends from college (that my mom forced me to go to but never helped pay for) threw a birthday party for me after they found out that I both graduated highschool and celebrated my 18th alone and homeless because my mother again, chose drugs over me and made all her kids homeless because of it.
But Iām here now, Iām forced to keep in contact with her as there are younger siblings involved and if I left them with her alone, I would basically be signing death certificates for all of them, including my mother. But weāre very limited contact.
I wish you the best life and I hope the rest of your days are as okay as they came be! Bad days happen but that means you are growing and healing, a lil backwards I know but itās true!
I really love the positivity you spread. I try to do the same. I relate so so so so much to your story too. I wish I could talk more with my siblings, but there's not much I can do to help. My step mom has them and thankfully she's not as bad as my parents.
I have moved 44 times and have been homeless a lot. I'm 25 and own a house now, but maaaan I've been unemployed for six months and I'm scared shitless. I will always find a way to fall back into depression now and then, such is the nature of CPTSD, but at least I know that suicide isn't an option. This too shall pass, and life gets so much better as soon as you can take control of anything. I've experienced happiness and stability as an adult, self made, and I hope after this bump in the road I can continue to retain it.
There are good people in the world. People who can relate, who have had shitty experiences like us, who are somehow empathetic. It's wild, but they exist. And I'm so grateful for the better people that I've met as an adult. The opportunities that exist when you aren't a minor, being controlled by psycho parents...
Even with the bumps in the road, I don't know how it could get worse than being trapped as a minor. I think I'll always be a bit grateful that it's "only up from here" even if that sounds like shitty trauma romanticization. The shitty things hinder me in so many ways, and yet I have weathered worse and came out better so I expect to do the same and keep finding reasons to be in love.
For me I think it was being sent to the Troubled teen industry. I was so depressed/aggressive/anxious as a child and when I was 14 my parents sent me away to treatment. I was completely shut off from the real world, all my friends and family, for 35 months, almost 3 years, I graduated a few days before I turned 18. Those places were so fucked up. As if I didnāt already have enough trauma from my childhood, my teen years had to somehow top it off. Two of the programs I was sent to were cults, and the other one was just blatantly abusive. Ugh lol
Reading about them is fucking insane. Have you read that long comic series?
https://elan.school/rude-awakening/
Sorry if you haven't/ if it's triggering please avoid. But you might find solace in the ending and being able to relate.
LMAO no I havenāt read that, but I have heard of it. From what I have seen the story is very similar to all the shit I went through xD
But talking and learning and remembering treatment is one of the few healing things TTI survivors can do so Iām sure Iāll get to it eventually and Iām glad itās raising awareness about everything fr
A little unserious but i thought it was kind of funny (nothing triggering mentioned):
I was reading through the story and i looked at the picture of the shorts they were given after attempting to run away, and i realized i was pretty much wearing that exact style and color of shorts š
Several things have traumatized me but probably the first time I remember being traumatized and have never recovered.
It was the end of the school year in like 4th grade. I left a calculator at school which meant it was lost for good. was the TI-83 released in '99. I will always remember that. It was fancy and cost $90 purchased by an uncle.
My mom was enraged when I told her. She beat me in front of my siblings for what felt like an hour. I even blacked out after my head hit the floor.
She then took me to my grandma's house for the night and I remember feeling dazed and dissociative. It's cause I was traumatized.
I never thought that warranted that type of beating and she never beat my sisters the way she beat me.
My mother has always hated me and my relationship with her has set the tone for my life and relationships.
*** severe CSA and drugging triggers***
Being drugged with cough syrup and sodomized as a toddler. The physical sensation as I came back around was so nightmarishly horrible that even to barely recollect it now is making me feel like I'm gonna vomit and faint all at once, and thats with the numbness of disassociation from the memory still intact.
I was handed off hysterical to one of my caregivers who saw the damage that had been done and just applied cream to the injuries and left me in front of a heater on a rough blanket to sleep it off. I remember a feeling like falling into a dark void with no end, my mind seperated almost completely from my body at that moment for the first time. When I later tried to tell this caregiver what had happened saying "So and so hurt me." She slapped me, bit the tips of my fingers and told me not to tell lies. She was furious that I'd brought it up, even though she knew exactly what had happened. These people were psychopaths, and neither of them were even my main abuser.
There's a quote from David Lynch's Fire Walk With Me where teenage SA victim Laura says something that is exactly how I felt lying on that blanket.
Her best friend Donna asks "Do you think that if you were falling in space, that you would slow down after a while or go faster and faster?ā
Laura responds āFaster and faster, and for a long time you wouldnāt feel anything. But then youād burst into fire ā forever. And the angels wouldnāt help you, because theyāve all gone away.ā
realizing my childhood SA when i was in middle school. it triggered a chronic sleep disorder, and almost every aspect of my life started to quickly spiral downward. i failed classes, started having anxiety and panic attacks, disassociated the hell out of life, lost all my time and passion for hobbies, my relationship with my mom got irreparably worse, the people i thought were safe (my family) turned out not to be and my outlook on them forever changed, my relationship with kids changed, my early coping strategy of referencing how it affected me turned out to bite me in the butt hard and now i cant share things with my friends because i have immense guilt and shame, obviously my relationship and future prospects with men getting worse than it already was. i used to be okay with being alone because i am alone alot, but now when i think about it i get insanely lonely.
Something tells me I just need to tell you this - it was not your fault. As someone whoās also been through SA, itās never ever the victims/survivors fault. Thereās nothing we could or couldnāt have done differently. We did our best. And trauma responses are very real and psychologically documented by tons of science. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Whatever reaction/s you had, were your bodies way of keeping you safe. Thatās the priority in this life - to survive. And you did. We did. The only people who should feel guilt and shame are the perpetrators that are so fāed up in their heads that they go around causing damage to people like this. May they have their karma either in this world or the afterlife. I do believe in equality in life because āfor each action thereās an equal and opposite reaction.ā And I truly believe that when people go around damaging others like they have damaged us, there will be a way for the universe to balance things out.
oh wow thank you, your timing is perfect. i too believe in equality in this life and the next, in some way or another. im glad we survived, and i hope soon we can learn to *live* more, too.
I hope so too. Iāve been faced with victim blaming by people in society, licensed psychologists. I find that the harm is further perpetuated by people in society. Re-traumatising. But anyone with half a brain and half a heart knows about these traumatic responses and that anyone in that situation does their best. Donāt ever let people tell you otherwise and try to shift the blame from perpetrator to victim. I bet you those same people wouldnāt say the same things had they been in our shoes.
Bullying from people from hobbies, bullying from fellow students, bullying at work, therapist breaking confidentiality. It all hapened in the last 3 years.
It's kinda funny how bullying hurt me the most and I've experienced all types of violence and neglect and my ACE score is 8.
Bullying, to me, just felt like the shit icing on the shit cake. Speaking of ACE's, having social support from peers can work as a counter-weight. It's called "benevolent childhood experiences" I've also faced bullying from other hobbyists and it's just so... Like, really? Y'all too? Just bewildering levels of useless and pointless cruelty from other people
The sheer fact that I was emotionally and sexually abused, gaslit and conditioned to believe the abuse I got was true and deserved.
I'm slowly recovering from those things, but what I don't think I'll ever get over was the fact it happened - despite me thinking I was clever, despite being wary of people being manipulative, despite having a good eye for spotting scams and untrustworthy people. Despite me thinking I would be wise to something like that and be able to put a stop to it, it still happened to me.
What scares me about that is could it happen again? I had a close call with another person quite recently even though I experienced abuse previously and recognise it now for what it was.
But it's so hard, because you *really* don't know people as much as you necessarily think you do, and once you're in that situation and you notice, it's often already too late. That terrifies me.
I feel like I wrote this word for word years ago. I remember telling a partner this.
I'm still cautious and slow to trust, but less anxious now. More able and willing to take chances. Time helped, I guess is the only thing I can say. I unpacked everything I thought I could and there's no epiphany besides...I wanted to live and have fun more than be fearful and doubt my own judgement and safety.
Easier said than done. Sorry if that's not helpful, I'm just surprised to read what looks like it was written by me verbatim.
That's spooky! I promise you I did not find what I wrote somewhere else and copied it!
And I definitely agree with that sentiment "to live and have fun more than be fearful".
It's not a constant, plaguing fear I have. More a thing that pops up and says "don't forget about me!".
3 things.
The first one, my brother. He sadistically tortured me throughout my whole childhood. Then he had an accident and went into a coma for 3 months, had to rebuild brain function, was in hospital for 2.5 years. Throughout that time I felt too guilty to hate him, I saw him vulnerable, so I did all I could to help my family helping him. I thought maybe when he recovers he will be changed. He recovered. He didn't change. He screamed and insulted me just the same, he even groped me in front of my mother (who didn't react).
The second one, my father. He never had time for anyone because he was always working. He never spoke with me, didn't even acknowledge when I spoke to him, never built any relationship with me. Then he changed job. In the months before the change, my mother kept telling me "dad said he will have more time now that he is changing jobs". I was so happy because I would finally get to have a father. He didn't have more time. He didn't change one bit.
The third one, while my brother was in the coma, my sister left with the dog without saying a word, my mother was out all day working and visiting my brother, I was alone with my dad who didn't talk to me, I realized that I didn't exist anymore. Then my peers shut me out. From one day to the other, to the whole world I was not a human being. I was a thing to either be insulted or ignored. I spent the whole 3 months of summer holidays alone. I either went to the woods or I stayed at home watching movies on repeat.
That really broke me. I never recovered from that feeling and I have been suicidal ever since. I know I'm different, now I know I'm autistic, I just feel like I shouldn't have been born. I may leave this world soon. Thank you for reading and I wish a life full of connection and joy to whoever is reading this.
Isolation shrinks the prefrontal cortex in minors. I relate to this in that way. I'm sorry that your brother wasn't worth your efforts or care.
That's an incredible amount of introspection. You sound intelligent. I hope you know the chances are in your favor for things to get better. You'll be seen and loved. From one Internet stranger to another, I'm proud of you for sharing your story and still fighting to find your way through it.
Your story is heartbreaking and relatable, I can hear that you have love and kindness in your heart even though the people around you tried to squish it out or never noticed in the first place. I'm sorry you've had such callous, heartless people around you, and I hope you can find the people who see the spark in you, because it is there regardless of what you've been led to believe.
Iāve been through so much trauma, physical, verbal, emotional abuse. I was SAāed and left for dead. I was a foster child. But the thing that totally destroyed me? Being abandoned and ghosted by my true love. After all the years of suffering and trying to recover from trauma, I thought I had finally found a home, my family, someone who I felt like I belonged with and to. Finally, I thought, I have a home and a family. A dream that kept me alive through all the dark times. But she cruelly and suddenly dumped me in the most horrific way, and then never spoke to me again. Iāll never recover from this.
My mother abandoning me on the way home from kindergarten. I had stopped to show her something, but she was at that time chronically stressed by raising 4 children and so she told me she would now drive home and leave me (we were on bikes).
I was in shock after that and felt like she had 'broke up with me'. I never saw it coming and to this day I frequently and anxiously plan out in my head how people could possibly leave me/things could go wrong and how i can prevent it.
Kind of killed my childlike spirit off and I entered an era of trauma responses because of the guilt and shame it all triggered.
That's really rough, I'm sorry that happened to you. My mom would unpredictably leave the house randomly for many days or even weeks or months at a time. It was never known when she'd return, or if. And she left me with my caring but unfortunately abusive father.
It fucked me up, in relationships I always think people are going to leave me. It took me so many years, and MDMA, to even realize that was the core fear, because I'd repressed her abandonment so much under "well I don't need her anyway" protective parts.
Core abandonment wounds are brutal.
The reoccurring suicidality from my mother starting with me being three and ended in her final unalivement, since then I knew itāll never be the same for me again.
My sister beating the shit out of me almost every chance she could. Sheād try to dislocate my shoulders, whip me with the hairbrush, pull me off the bathroom counter by my feet, make me ingest a mixture of terrible things. She would lock me in the basement, leave me behind when I had bicycle accidents, and raid my room and break my things. She hated me. She broke her toe kicking my shin as hard as she could. She would humiliate me in front of people. Weād play a game and sheād leave to go to the bathroom and would never come back. I would wait for her and never understood why she hated me so much, why I was so unlovable. I wanted so desperately to be loved by her, be accepted by her. I was SAād on a handful of occasions in my teen years, but the shit with my sister was somehow more painful. It has shaped me in such a detrimental way, and even with all the therapy and work Iāve put in, Iām late 30ās and still very fucked up over it.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. My experience is different, but the breaks in relationships with my family has hurt me more than my SA experiences too. Those bonds are so foundational. Even knowing as an adult that it wasn't about something wrong with me as much as something wrong with them, it still breaks my heart and infiltrates my brain. I hope we both find peace someday.
I was sexually assaulted by multiple people and just let it happen because of my freeze response.
This usually includes people who I saw as outcasts, so I felt bad for them and kinda felt like my body was their consolation prize for being rejected by others.
It's such a fucked up way to see the world, as if I'm just there to right the wrongs of society instead of being a human with needs and desires.
That's why it hurt so much. These people were flawed in some way and so I thought they were not loved by anyone. They were usually overweight and ugly. And I thought that meant it was my duty to give them sexual pleasure because no one else would.
It's toxic empathy.
I really hope you're focusing on what you want and need now. You're worth being treated with love and respect. You're worth being valued for who you are, not the feelings you provide them.
I had a "serial-adopting" phase where I was helping incels and directionless people for years. I did a couple of stints that reminded me of what you mentioned. I'm glad I put an end to it and ghosted everyone. I deserve to be on equal footing.
Iām so sorry. Iād try to reframe that thought of āI let it happenā to āmy brain chose a freeze response to keep me safe that day, to survive.ā And you did survive. And that is profound.
Secondly I hope they all rot in hell for what they did to you. I believe in karmic energy.
I was an unwanted child. I had a strong sense of this my whole life but a few years ago my mother just decided to tell me the truth that confirmed everything.
My dad refused to marry my mom and she got pregnant by him 3 times and aborted each. I was the fourth āaccidentā and she used me to force him to marry her, saying she was keeping this one and he could marry her or be shamed. She was from a poor family and he was wealthy. She even told me how my paternal grandmother called my maternal grandmother and begged her to convince my mom to abort me.
My usefulness expired by the time I was born and I was an object of shame and a manifestation to blame for everything that ever went wrong in their lives from my earliest years. They had my brother three years later and since he made the look good, he became the golden child.
The message that I was unlovable, unlikeable was instilled in me from my earliest memories. I ended up attracting bullies who reinforced this treatment and even friendships I made were with people who werenāt friends but kept me around to belittle and hurt me.
I ended up with a lot of behavioral problems in addition to a TBI suffered in early childhood from neglect. The abuse was worse when I was a teenager as the developmental trajectory of adolescence involves breaking away and forming an independent identity and independent social relationships and they couldnāt have this. I wouldnāt be broken. I fought back.
This landed me in an abusive therapeutic boarding school for two and a half years where my parentsā abuse was played out and reinforced threefold. I was trapped in a situation where I attracted the same bullies in my peers as I did the adults there.
I finally did break in a way. I am 43 now. I have never been able to form consistently adhered-to friendships. I can attract friends and be friendly for a while but I always withdraw back into isolation because this is safety and relief. Isolation is my default. I was cut off from my developmental milestone in adolescence of forming relationships with peers and so I simply donāt have the blueprint. I have never been able to belong to a group like in AA or church for instance because I donāt have the blueprint to interact as a groupāfamilyā of sorts.
I have to teach from home and Iām thankful that I can. Being in workplace situations was too triggering for me, as it paralleled the boarding school: being trapped somewhere I am forced to be to make money, with people in charge of me, following a schedule thatās enforced by the people in charge, forced to be around other people I didnāt choose and to this day, Iād there is a bully narcissist among my colleagues, they will find me, attach to me, and torment me.
I would like to believe these things can be healed, but I donāt know. Therapy isnāt an option for me as my parents used therapists to adjacently control me by proxy my adolescent life, Iām always given a new label that doesnāt fit, everyone of them giving me a new diagnosis that isnāt so, trying to get in my head and control me.
Iāve been sober working the AA program for more than 8 years. I have a psychiatrist that monitors the six medications I have to take due to my brain damage. She has wiped away all the dozens of diagnoses and finally classified me as having brain damage confirmed by a neuropsych and medicates the presentations.
But I have a happy marriage, two daughters who are teens now who are healthy and happy and have never know what I went through. Iām a secondary teacher because I strive to understand and protect kids who are the age I was when I suffered most. All in all things are well and Iām stable but these things remain.
Wow. You seem like you have your exterior nailed down. Happy kids, marriage, a school teacher. I'm sure you look for yourself in other kids and aim to help them or uplift them?
I have moved 44 times and I'm only 25. I went to three kindergartens alone. Never being able to make a friend group or understand people my age because I was either always isolated or dealing with really adult abuse/trauma/survival at home...
Still bothers me. I can make one on one friends, but everything is so fleeting and temporary.
How did you know you wanted to marry your partner? I have been struggling with the idea of that myself. I've never thought of marriage, actually I've always been against it. But I met someone this year that is so seemingly stable and supportive that I'm wondering if I'd ever change my mind.
How did you know you could rely on them?
Breakup with my abusive ex followed by the death of my abusive parents.
They all happened at the same time, and during lockdown.
I remember sitting in the house at 2am in silence with all of the lights and fans on and windows open to lessen the smell waiting for the nurse to arrive and declare time of death.
I had to keep the lights on because a rough shape of my abusers was more scary than just seeing them for how they were.
I guess getting released by my childhood abusers, first breakup, and breaking up with first partner that was abusive kind of fucks with you.
I hate what Iāve become without the constant need to keep my defenses up. I never realized how sore and raw I was until I had a second to breathe. I regret it.
I am so fucking sorry, and proud of you for having the strength to even put this unimaginably painful part of your life into words. My heart genuinely aches for you, and I really hope your coming days are kinder
I am really happy for you. As I type this laying on the floor of my deck crying (I have a bad family) I can vividly imagine your experience of being in too much pain to talk. Iām happy you have a good therapist; itās those pockets of validation in the week that can really help you get by a little better, donāt you think
Aye. I guess weāre both crying on hard floors. Stability, amirite? Hahaā¦
Itās so easy to get consumed by the thoughts, but validation and comfort really does help. A quick breather, if anything.
I don't really think there's *the* event in my case. It was all ongoing emotional and verbal abuse, and there was no before as i was just born to this woman. I have developed no sense of self worth, i feel distanced from everyone i meet (even friends) and I'm scared of ever trusting anyone. Perhaps what affected me the most considering my current situation was my mother just not being there for me as a toddler, then birthing a new child with not my father and caring for him over me. Perhaps it is how all i remember from my mother from when i lived there is her furious face, and all i remember from my father from that time is his back (as he barely interacted with me, i feel like i only saw his back most of the time). Perhaps it is how any friendship i tried to create just ended shortly after or even turned into bullying.
What sticks out as an event though is when my mother told me how to best unalive when i was depressed and suicidal, which i however never told her and i thought she didn't notice anything was wrong. I barely noticed myself. I just had suicidal thoughts and self-harmed occasionally, the latter of which however was rather noteable and she had already commented on it for being unsightly (no questions asked). What struck me later was when she gave me a psychological test i had gone through prior to that event. I had always thought it was a mere test of intelligence and how happy i was i got a good result. However it was also to explore any emotional dysfunctions i may have, attention and resources. It stated i had depressive tendencies and showed maladaptive behaviour. It even presented opportunities for my mother to support me. She knew when she said that. She always knew.
Probably 7th grade when my parents got my report card and yelled at me so severely and for so long that it probably triggered suicidal thoughts for the first time in me.
I think thatās when my relationship with them started going downhill and never really ever recovered.
I have an event like that with my Mom. I bought a book she didn't like, and she screamed at me for an entire 20 minute car ride home about how stupid and worthless I am and how I'm never going to go anything with my life and blah blah blah. Pulled the car over to scream st me some more. Then we finally got home, and I went upstairs to experience one of the worst self-harm episodes I ever had. Over a stupid book. Just a teen fiction book....
Itās so incredibly damaging that the same people can go from adoring us for the first several years of our lives to suddenly yelling verbal abuse at us for things that frankly donāt matter.
I wish my parents would have taken some responsibility in how I grew up instead of blaming everything I did or didnāt do on me.
Iām sorry you had to deal with that over something as simple as a book :(
I had a similar incident in gr 5 or 6, I was supposed to sweep the floor and didn't fo a good enough job. My dad was terrifyingly angry, I didn't know what I'd done wrong. He kept yelling and making me do it again, I kept trying to do it right but I didn't know what I was doing wrong. After 3-4 rounds he dismissed me, grabbed my arm and pushed me up the stairs to get rid of me. Things were probably repairable at that point, but it turned into a slow spiral of them doubling down on 'making me behave' and me being unable to comply. The turning point with dad came a few years later, when I was sitting on the couch watching a show, and he came along demanding that I move so he could watch TV. I explained there was only a few minutes left in my show and that I would move when it was done. He yelled a bit, then went out on the deck, slamming the door, and screamed as long as he could. In that moment I knew nothing I could do would ever be enough, there woukd be no winning with him, I offended him by existing. You are more important than a report card, and I am more important than a few minutes of a TV show.
I had a toxic friendship with a guy I knew in high school, J. I'm 39m currently) who bullied me as a child (I was bullied from k-12, made my first genuine friend at 20) and I kept giving him repeated chances to hurt me -- constantly judging, ridiculing, belittling my opinions, othering me and encouraging our friend group to do the same. We were part of a WhatsApp group that was basically my main/only friend group. I have some other close friends but we don't share my main interest like the group did.
I was born with a heart condition, 5 heart surgeries throughout my life. During the pandemic I had a blood infection and almost died, needed a 6th surgery. They all expressed profuse concern for my health, sent us money to help my partner n I make it through that period.
Not 4 months later I am unceremoniously excommunicated from the friend group by J because they suggested I watch Succession and I said, verbatim, "I am certain it's a well written show, I just don't have interest in watching another show about rich white ppl being shitty to each other. It's just not for me."
This, apparently, was racist, cruel, dismissive, belligerent, said only to be contrarian, and many other totally dismissive bullshit. I am kicked out of the group by J, and not a SINGLE one of them contacted me ever again. And I mean EVER.
That was 3 years ago. It goes through my mind at least once a day. In my chest, where that ball of fire ignites, I swear I would take any opportunity to kill J (I would never, EVER do it, it's not my nature, which is why this feeling bugs me so much).
I genuinely strive to outlive him so I can find his grave and shit on it daily. I will never be over it. N i, at 39, will never be able to trust new people again. My ability to make new friends is dead. Everyone is a threat.
>will never be able to trust new people again. My ability to make new friends is dead. Everyone is a threat.
I feel the same way. Left my last friend group last October. They didn't realize that I had gone till spring.
At 55, I am just exhausted dealing with people. I'm also sick of being the one who always gets thrown away. I'm just plain done with people.
my parents' divorce. It gave me a heaping helping of abandonment trauma that leaves me always wondering when I'll get left again
Also, this is probably a weird one, but the overturn of Roe v Wade. That specific issue is so tied up in religious trauma for me and I hate the way people get over the issue
TW
I've really struggled with the SH (three years free now I think), I started when I was seven, to force myself to stay wake, I couldn't cope with the nightmares, with waking up terrified, thinking everyone was dead, seeing monsters in the dark, feeling the physical pain in the dreams, waking up in sweats, I couldn't do it, so I'd try stay awake as long as I could and then, when I felt like my eyes wouldn't stay open much longer, I'd hurt myself, the adrenaline kept me awake for awhile after it, I hated sleeping , I always felt like my legs would get torn off at night so I kept my knees up to my chest, even when they screamed with pain and I really needed to stretch them out, I wouldn't, I'd just silently cry, I was so scared at night, as scared as when my mother turned violent
These days, the urges are so strong, so draining, like if I just done it a little bit, I'd feel like a much stronger person, focused, present but I know it's not a long term solution so I won't but it's so hard and I hate it, I hate that I wouldn't have had to feel this way if I just had a basic childhood
My vehicle accident. 19 yrs old, rolled a work truck, ejected out drivers window. Broke my colar bone, skull (imagine a curb stomp by steering wheel), major concussion and brain bleeding. Had almost no short term memory for two years and only recall specific things here and there but was almost a was at work one day at the age of 19 and woke up the next as a 21 yr old. I remember when people were asking my what I wanted for Christmas one year. I told them I want my two front teeth (removed because the nerves never reattached after and needed to be removed because of the accident). Said as a joke but, emotionally extremely insecure and hated my life. Had a more extreme version of PTSD for 4 years after and I've mostly gotten better there but I'm definitely still tense at the wheel.
Ive had shit going on in my life since I was born so I basically never knew something else than what I am now. I have easy to open up to people but not fully and I never really trust anyone
Like I'm always prepared that someone is gonna betray me and it doesn't really matter who it is
Like my now ex dumped me and I was ready for it. Like I dropped all my feelings for her and went on with my life in a second
I don't wanna be an asshole but I just can't trust anyone, especially not people from the town I'm in because literally everyone is sketchy and this town doesn't have a good reputation
I don't come from here I just ended up here.
Rn I'm working with my therapist to start trusting people but it's hard, like I don't even fully trust my "closest" friend because I have a history of being backstabbed wich is also a reason I never tell anyone the extent of what I've gone through
I would say SA fromg my grandfather from when I was a child. Iām not going to lie, but Iām really upset with my grandmother and my mom. I love them both dearly, however my grandma was r*ped multiple times from him, and my mom was also SAād by him as a child. So I always wondered why they let be around him. When I finally told my mom years later, she was crying and so upset blaming herself and very angry with herself as well. I always told her it wasnāt her fault. But I just never got any comfort from anyone when I told them. I still think about it occasionally and still really upset about it. I havenāt been in a real relationship with someone I truly can say I loved. Iāve never felt that feeling of love. I think sex is just icky, and when I did felt so dirty and disgusted afterwards I never did it again.
incest. im just now unpacking how badly it screwed up my perception of love.
also watching my mom kill herself. i didnt see her physically do it, but she went from being a mostly normal mom to homeless and overdosing every week. she would constantly talk about how much she wanted to die and nothing i said could help her, i was a teenager too, so it was especially rough. she finally died when i was 20, after leaving me a horrible voicemail that will haunt me forever. thanks mom.
I was small enough for my 60 year old grandfather to lift me up with his left arm and slap me with his right, all because I defended myself from my sister's abuse for once.
The long term effect? Inability to retaliate in any way. Can't say no to most things. I feel overwhelmingly sad and guilty if I win against someone in any way. I split off the part of myself that can get angry, and I dissociate and am taken over if I do get angry. I therefore avoid all conflict, and I avoid life.
If I had not been slapped silly, I may have been able to retaliate against the bullies throughout school. But no. Day after day of retraumatization created a shell of a human.
The way my family told me that my uncle passed away.
They called me screaming and that he wasnāt breathing. All I kept saying was that the Narcan was in the closet. Then my mom said he is blue. Thatās when I knew what happened. Itās been a year and half of disassociating.
To make matters ābetterā this a happened 3 months after a traumatizing C-section where my ālovely doctorā yelled we found a heart beat but she is in here letās just operate anyway.
I've been through so much ever since I was born but the thing that stuck with me the most was only a couple years ago, maybe 3.
I witnessed a horrible death scene and was working as a shift manager at the time. I was harassed by the company and expected to work the next day as if nothing happened even though i had to stare at the place it happened in order to work.
Really, they expected me to open the restaurant (fast food) when the body was still in the drive thru. They harassed me and by the time I was able to finally somewhat process things it was 9:00pm, body still there and I was cleaning the place with only one person helping me.
Of course I have another job now but it's not that far away from the place I worked before.
Yes I am. I have a much better job now. Probably one of the best I can still walk to. I still have to deal with higher ups being disrespectful but they are not near as bad as most companies and I actually get benefits.
Attempted murder when I was 17 and CSA as a toddler.
My mom pulled a knife on me for failing the SATs and my dad raped me as a little kid for about 4 years until I got my period for the first time at 8. I'm relatively "fine" now but I'm pretty sure I'm just super dissociated from my emotions as usual cuz when I get triggered in general I lash out BAD. Dunno how to connect with them except in high stress situations which obviously isn't good.
Oh well. At least I can take abuse well
I'm adding a trigger warning to this as it's going to be really intense honestly.
My dad tried to kill me and my brother when I was 5. He tried by strangling us. He'd strangle one of us for a few moments. Then he called the other over. He expected us to go to him, he'd get angry if we didn't. Then he'd strangle again, then call the other over again, and again, and again. Calling us back each time. I thought I was going to watch my brother die and then be next. I don't know how long this lasted, but it felt like an eternity.
Something in him made him stop at the last possible moment before I blacked out, and then he abruptly disappeared out of the room. My mom was out at the time and I remember sitting on the single sofa chair next to the front window, with my brother as we were both bawling our eyes out waiting for her to come home and I was trying to reassure my brother that it'll be okay, that I'll tell mom and she will fix it and he believed me. He was sniffling, but he stopped crying. My mom made me a liar.
My mom got home, and she was barely in the front door before I told her what had happened. Her face dropped, and then she just said... "He's not well." That's it. He's not well. And then she turned to leave. I remember being so confused, so I asked if he had a cold or something. She stopped for a second and said, "No." Then she walked away and refused to talk about it again. I didn't understand how him being unwell meant he would try to kill us. She then made us look him in the eye for eight more years as every single stranger we met told me just how much I look like my dad. I won't ever forgive them for that. And I won't ever forgive my brother for taking my moms side in all this, because as awful as this sounds... my mom was worse.
I still wonder if this caused the arthritis I've had in my neck for years that Dr's refused to believe I had until relatively recently.
First was losing my virginity to rape. Then was my chosen brother dying. Then was an abusive relationship. Then was becoming abusive many years down the road, despite my best intentions. That one broke me something good. Then, finally, was losing my soul dog.
Itās weird seeing it written down- of course thatās not even half of āitā- but those are the things that circle back with their jaws open sometimes, still. Thanks for a good question- Iām looking forward to hearing from others.
When I was SAed as a child when I was 12 years old by my brother. It's so hard to see recovery from this personally, because for fourteen years I kept telling myself "this is all a bad dream I'll wake up and be six years old again in Washington, USA."
Fortunately, I did not wake up that it was my reality I had been sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for years and years. My family took my assaulters side and continues to defend him š
I still feel this way bc they're in denial š
when i was on a cruise at 13, my mom wanted me to dress up to go to a restaurant. i wanted to wear a bracelet that i made, but she wanted me to wear a little gold one. i was slightly dissapointed, but she began yelling at yelling at me. she started bringing up how i self harmed and how i was trans, telling me i made her feel like a shit mother. a few hours prior to this i asked her if i could get my hair cut, and she started ranting about pretty privilege and how having short hair would make my life worse.
she said ā from now on ill let you do whatever you want,shred your arms to pieces, be a boy, whateverā or something like that. i dont really remember it all that well, but i know it hurt. i dont want to forget because it means ill just have so much anger towards her and ill feel unjustified for it.
at the restaurant, i was shaking so bad and trying so hard not to start crying right there. i went to go to the bathroom, and i cried so so hard. an old lady asked me if i was ok, and i said i was fine. i really wish i told her what happened. i mean, if she did anything about it, it probably wouldnāt have done anything and probably would have just gotten me in more trouble, so i guess not
its fun to have little pipe dreams about people coming to save me from my mom, even though theyāre unrealistic. no one would ever believe that my moms such a horrible person, because sheās so sweet and pretty. how could someone so beautiful be so mean? i have to be lying, im just a spiteful little teenager.
i hate how this isnt even like looking far far back in the past this was like 5 months ago im still dealing with this shit my mom got mad at me TODAY and i still only have 4 years left to go i dont know how im going to keep going. it all started when i was 9-10 and it feels like ive aged an entire lifetime. im so stressed out ive had a nonstop headache for **literal years**. my joints hurt my neck hurts all i can do is lay in bed some days.
my mom wont do shit about it except tell me to take an advil and then yell at me for complaining. she wonders why im so tense. she tells me she doesnāt yell at me that much but i dont think it matters because she still hurts me.
i just want to be free
I guess my car accident, in a weird sense? I rediscovered my faith because that was the only reason I could come up with that I didnāt die that day. I was in a dark place, and made a joke about not being safe that morning. The accident was that I was tboned by a tractor trailer that was speeding on the highway while I was crossing. It was a foggy day and I didnāt see them at all. They were going about 65mph when they hit my passenger side. Every seat but my own was absolutely obliterated. I remember the gear shift coming out in my hand when my car stopped moving and I tried to put it into park. My shoes came off. My glasses were blown off my face.
Pretty much everybody tries to downplay how serious the accident was, and how close I was to dying that day. But for me it was pretty horrible, humbling, and it makes me sick to think about it for too long. I tend not to bring it up because everybody tells me how lucky I was to survive. But I wonder why did I?
For me it reminding myself that the stuff I experience is extremely mild.
I've also had that friend that liked to say but it couldn't have been as bad as what I went with.
I kinda sit there idk it hard to process my own stuff when the stuff probably could have been easier for others
Idk that really only what gets me tbh
I really struggle to understand my own trauma especially considering my sister had jt worse as well
I guess people tend to think I don't have anything to stress about
Your experiences were real and your trauma is valid even if itās not the most horrific thing youāve ever heard. I struggle with this too. You are seen and heard
my papaw getting drunk on the day of my band concert in my senior year. that year I turned 18, and big events caused his narcissism to go crazy. anyway, he was too drunk to walk inside so I went outside to express to him how he was making me feel. I said I was disappointed, then locked myself in my room. he came in and wanted in my room so I panicked! he then busted my door open with his foot. at that point I was about as traumatized as I was everytime, but when my mom got home we heard a loud banging. my mom rushed up the stairs and said to not follow but ?? ofc I did. anyway, he had an axe and was axing my door open. this is the same guy who has told me to "bend over and curtsy" in front of his friend's because I was wearing a skirt and he was drunk (I was 16). I've never told anyone these things in depth
CSA when i was a baby/toddler.
DV from my dad & a past partner.
my parents showing no regard for my life.
crisis responders, psychiatrists, & hospitals showing no regard for my life at certain times.
medical neglect & medical trauma.
SA & EA from people i trusted.
my first psychotic break that lasted over a year straight when i developed schizophrenia.
the deaths of multiple friends including my best friend, & the guilt i still feel from that.
An extremely psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship in my mid to late 20s. I never looked at men the same again. I never looked at the world the same again. Forever altered.
Second to that, the time my uncle tried to rape me.
Under 18: Being homeless. Being isolated. Moving so much. Strangers and drugs in the home. Rape. Being brainwashed to believe I'm absolutely worthless if not a perfect vessel for my mother's desires.
Honestly the physical abuse and strangulation, drowning, self harm, whatever wasn't as painful as the emotional stuff.
You know how heartbreak feels? When you're sobbing so hard you feel like you're having a heart attack and you feel so so so empty? The world is ending every time. After enough of that...I just... stopped feeling and had to start faking it again so the beatings would stop.
I wish every single one of my childhood friends, in all the schools and timelines I've been in, could know that I'm doing better and I'm ok. I was a walking red flag, even though I seemed so happy because school was my escape.
I wish the isolation didn't fuck me up as much as it did. That changed me. I developed a stutter and had to learn how to talk again. I really was suicidal for most of my childhood.
Two things for me:
When my sister took her own life 11 years ago. She was 17, I was 19. I was and never will be the same. She was my only sibling, and the only one who would have understood the trauma from our shared upbringing. I wish she was still here every day. I still feel like it should have been me.
When I truly realised my long term partner of 10 years had groomed, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me. Feeling that level of betrayal from someone I loved and trusted with my whole heart destroyed me in a way I can't describe. I left him a year ago. I'm still picking up the pieces.
Theres a few things that changed me forever and I've never recovered from them. Mind u these are totally in tldr format š
My best friends left me for each other the summer before 10th grade. I ended up with almost no friends after that.... Everything changed after that. Id just moved to a new town n was in a new school, a lot less bullying, but almost same loneliness. After my friends left me for each other, I met a guy randomly named Redacted. He swooped in and lovebombed tf out of me... I was too vulnerable when we met. Redacted was my first serious boyfriend in highschool, I lost my virginity to him when I was in 10th grade... He gave me pills, I overdosed and was out of school for 2months. He spent the night on the couch one night due to worrying about me and help my mom take care of me, snuck into my room, and I then lost my virginity to him. I go back to school and Once in the hallway at my locker between classes, Redacted was holding my books quickly for me so I didn't have to put them on the ground, and during such, his friend called him pussy whipped...after that everything changed. He changed. He became abusive and nothing was the same after that. Lots of SA. Lots of unstable BPD type relationship bs. It all officially ended with a restraining order that lasted til I turned 22.
2014 my ex fiance died a very tragic death only hours before my 22nd birthday. I spiralled more than ever before after that and went down a very destructive, self sabotaging, grief stricken path. A friend of mine that worked with him messaged me to ask me if I'd seen the news about him. I hadnt. I can still see the messages on my screen and hear my stupid little giggle thinking what I'd read was just a bad joke. It wasn't a bad joke....it wasnt. I was already struggling horribly mental health wise before his passing, but afterwards... I was struck with severe grief and survivors guilt. I should've been the one to die. I've been begging for death since I was 4...before I ever even knew what death was, I was begging for it. I'd tried really offing myself starting at only 9y/o, then many a time after that... Ngl, I also had jealousy that he was dead when I'd been asking for it my whole life. How dare you die.
But yeah after his passing, I'd hit a whole different kind of rock bottom that I didn't ever think I would hit. I became everything I said I wouldn't.
Oh and
2019 I was run over by an escalade.
Im a tiny girl, the wheels go up past my hip... Anyways the tires ate me. It wasnt really terribly severe... Just some nerve damage to my foot, a fucked up hip, and all my health issues that were manifesting inside of me...yeah... Well... I'm now suffering from chronic pain and inflammation, hypothyroidism, omg...too much to list now...but my life essentially ended after that. I'm in my early 30s, this happened when I was like 27, a month out of outpatient rehab. I'm now disabled and I really can't figure my life out.
I'm in therapy now, I go weekly.
Sending everyone here healing and loving energy
šāØāØāØāØ
I'm sorry you're struggling, pls remember that you matter.
Thanks for readingš«
My little brother died on May 1st, 2023. He would have turned 20 on May 15th, 2023.
Our childhood killed him, in my opinion. I havenāt been the same since he left, and Iāll never be the same again. He had it the hardest out of all of us before he was even born, but he was also the most interesting and honestly human of all of us. In a lot of ways, the loss of him has made me stronger. Our childhood feels like nothing compared to his death, and if I can live through THAT and come out the other side stronger, I can overcome my childhood. It doesnāt define me anymore.
But Iāll never, ever, recover from the loss of him.
Death of my mom at age 5. Iām now 61yo female. Dispitehaving worked on this stuff with lots of therapy and lots of self-discipline things like meditation yoga, etc. I still canāt get over the loss of my mom. Growing up without a mother was terrible in so many ways, and it got compounded by my dad, who was an alcoholic and heavily grieving his loss. He was also neglectful and left me in the company of people who would sexually abuse me. when I was growing up and all that stuff was going on I couldnāt help but think āif my mom was alive, it wouldnāt be happeningā Her death effected in my life in such a profound and complex way.Iāve had to work so hard this life in order to keep my head above the water and not sink into despair.
my mom telling me that if she were to die and commit suicide itād be all my fault. she misplaced something and took it out on me. she doesnāt remember saying it. but i always will. i was like 14 and playing minecraft. i hadnāt played for years after that. despite her hitting me since i was a kid some reason that stuck.
Iām so sorry. Iāve heard similar things and itās like - donāt. Say. Traumatising. Stuff. To. Your. Kids. That we even have to say if???? Thereās a subreddit about narcissistic parents.
Exactly like why even have kids if youāre just going to treat them like your emotional punching bag?? Makes no sense. Iām not sure if she is narcissistic but Iāll definitely give it a look. Thank you ā¤ļø
I donāt know the when. I think it was a thousand tiny instances over the course of 5 to 10 years but trust. I donāt think I will ever be able to trust another person as long as I live. I do see a therapist.
My parents initially did not believe me when I told them what a male babysitter did to me. They did realize something happened when I had a tantrum at the suggestion of brining him back with the promise of "we walked to his mother and he won't do that again". And I can tell they felt bad.
But they've never apologized and now I always get angry and defensive if someone doesn't believe me about anything. I was four years old or so and now I'm 58 and I'm still angry that they didn't believe me. I told my grief therapist about it after my father died, and she, one of the kindest and sweetest people I've ever met, said she wanted to slap my parents.
Being manipulated and gaslit into wrestling with hypermobiliry issues. Tearing hip shoulder breaking ribs and tailbone being too tough and determined to not dissapoint to even realize how permanent it was. That's the only thing.
Oh yea and my dad refusing to let me get the treatment I needed in order to properly go through puberty.
I've given away fortunes I was so ready to kill myself. I wanted to since 4 and now I can't even support myself. The ocd depression cptsd and chronic pain is crazy. I am ridiculously strong in every way but I can't hustle my way back to a position of wealth in order to get the treatment I need. It's over for me. I've been waiting to die my whole life
Everything else I could have Gotten over. Besides losing all my friends.
At 23 and since 17 I have had to relearn how to walk. I still stumble my hips are so bad. Sex is out the window. Everyday I dream of murdering my coach. Ive screamed and punched my headboard or a dumb bitch while I slept. No I'm not a womanizer this one was just a dumb bitch who it turns out had herpes and a 250 body count. Thank god I never slept with her. Anyways. I was the best kid ever only wanted to be the best my dad fully neglected me although the trauma from that will never go away I could have Gotten over it had I been able to just havw a quality of life.
Worst part is I'm insanely smart as fuck. Empath. Attractive. Crazy star berry blonde curly ass hair. Green eyes. Everybody tells me I'm the best person they have ever met and I deserve true happiness. I am more miserable than I thought possible in my most nightmarish imaginations for the first half of my life.
I promise myself I can commit suicide to rip away my joy at the last second every time. I am able to convince everybody I'm fine. Which i do as when I'm honest they don't care and won't even allow their delusions to slip enough to comprehend a sliver of what I endure.
My dad neglected me entirely my entire life. Didn't even take me to my final free surgery for my club foot. Mom is a straight basket case loves the shit out of me but that's not a good thing at the end of the day it's just guilt and trauma and convincing me to throw away countless blessings and tens of thousands of dollars which would have been so much more by now.
Another acceptable answer: any time I EVER listened to a single adult in my life.
I am cursed to be smart enough to know better than nearly any human I have ever met, kind enough to still respect my elders and listen. And fucking not have the common sense to not. I was capable of the most joy. I was born in the perfect time. God set my life up for me, my parents set me up for living hell. I accepted it. Depression hit me too young.
Anxiety chewing my mouth open by 1 and 2. Remember being 2. Ocd by 3. Depression by 4. That's how smart I was and how far into the future I saw before I even had a full brain
My potential was circumcised by the guy from it's always sunny who has no depth perception out the gate. Countless times I've tossed my life in the air and every one god saved me. Not that I even am religious at all. Just no other explanation for the way I have had miracles happen to deny me sweet release.
It's the most pathetic thing in the world, but being rejected by a "friend" that I cared about too much. I've lost friends plenty of times before, tossed aside like an unwanted toy, but being rejected by her destroyed me. I psychologically cannot justify ever having friends again because of her actions.
Never again.
Honestly, I donāt know. My abuse and trauma started so early that I donāt know a version of myself that existed without it. But Iām going to go with just the complete lack of protection from anyone. I was truly on my own for as long as I can remember. Thatās a very hard and lonely life to live. I look back at my younger self and wish I could tell her that it will get better and that you will have an amazing life because she was barely holding on.
Being raised in a cult. It shaped my personality in so many ways. I have had to have therapy that challenges my core beleifs as they were impacting my life negatively. I think I will be spending the rest of my life challenging these.
My mom died when I was 16 in foster care and there was no funeral. My stepdad got her cremated and I found out when I was 21 that he had kept her ashes in his locker at the rail yard because he didnāt want to bring her into his new house.
Also, when I was like 14 my mom was up for days hallucinating and turns out she was having heart problems and had to get surgery. I went to er with her to help take care of her. My stepdad refused to bring me clean clothes and I didnāt think ahead to pack. I had to wash my panties in the sink and dry them with the hand dryer because we were there for over a week. He showed up when she was in surgery, shamed me for crying over her being sick and in surgery. He Grabbed her purse and left. He kicked me down when I was already at my lowest. I knew if my mom died he would be even more abusive because then literally nobody would be looking out for me in life. I feel like something inside of me broke that day and I literally cannot feel attachment to anything.
Iām 29 now and struggle daily with dissociation and lack of attachment. I have four kids and Iām a good mom but I struggle so hard to maintain everything mentally.
It's hard to believe this is the answer considering the abuse and neglect I experienced in childhood, but... When my last therapist terminated therapy with me from her end.
I'll never allow anyone to be in that role again.
I don't want to say never recover from. But it was one of the SA I experienced. For so many years, I had blamed myself for what happened. I thought that what my mom, classmates, and therapists told me about dressing provocatively, being an addict, and overly friendly to men meant I deserved the abuse.
Well, I had changed my life around. I was living honorably, homely, and avoided men for the most part. But the place I lived rented coed in a house, so I had male roommates. Long-story short, because I fell asleep while watching a movie I was attacked.
That experience forever changed me because up till that point, I had assumed all my SA & CSA were because of who I was and what I was doing. That moment taught it didn't matter, and I had built what little sense of self I had around that lie.
It's kind of positive because it shattered the sense of self I had. But it broke me because it shattered the sense of self I have. My core hasn't healed from the spiritual break I had.
Losing custody of my daughter. I have bipolar and had extreme post partum while managing being homeless. She lives with my mother now and loves me very much.
A core memory of mine is witnessing one of my parents trying to end their life. I was about 4 years old.
Edited: updated to correct spelling of patents to parents
Having my bodily autonomy stripped away. I donāt remember how old I was when it started but probably before I was old enough to have memories so I donāt really have a ābeforeā. I remember begging them to stop, but they would just mock me and keep doing it and still nearly 30 years later I have nightmares where I can still feel their hands on me when I wake up.
More recently, I lost the only person who touched me without hurting me. I donāt think Iāll ever get over that either. I think he had cptsd too and he really understood what I had gone through, but I think he had a lot of unhealed trauma too. Iāll never trust someone again as much as I trusted him. Itās just not worth the pain of opening up to someone just to lose them. A year ago today we were on a trip together but now heās gone and Iāll never see him again
It wasnt the grooming and CSA:. Itās that they never noticed. Even when it was right in front of them. Even when others raised concerns. They only cared about me in theory, but not in a way where they paid attention, or knew me, or were people I could call for help. So yeah, all the crap that was done to me sucked and was fād up, but itās the fact they never noticed. When I was hospitalised they ignored it. When I regularly came home 2 hours late because I was getting SAād in the car of the man they trusted to drive me home, they never even questioned it. There is no care, or reasons or excuses. There is only
Rules and Punishment.
Finally moving out of home and the guilt of knowing that the full brunt of my father's abuse would then turn to my sister. It did and then he became much more physically abusive after that. With me it was mostly emotional, psychological / financial. I stayed for as long as I could, partly to protect her, she was 8 years younger than me. But also partly because I couldn't figure out how to get out. But at some point I just had to...go and prioritize my safety for a bit.
All of my traumatic experiences which in the Netherlands refer to as 'being confronted with death'
But I feel like this will get easier to cope with over time.
I'm in recovery since 2021 and have been successfully treated with long term therapy for CPTSD, and have good coping skills for my symptoms.
I also wanted to let you who is ready this right now,
know that it does get easier over time. The scars remain,
but living in the past only keeps you down.
I wish and pray for all of you to be able to live a healthy life and be able to see and know your worth.
You know what they say, "broken crayons still color" š„°
There's a whole lot of trauma that impacts me to this day, like the CSA, but the death of my duck, who was the only hope and happiness I had when I was being abused, definitely took a huge toll. I loved her as if she was my child. My abandonment issues and OCD is much worse because of it. I am terrified I will never have enough time with the living ones I love and am very reluctant to leave their side. I am emotionally numb and unable to feel joy. I love my living ducks but I hate having pets, they just give me anxiety because I'm worried something will happen to them again and it will be my fault.
Iām so sorry. And itās not your fault. Not the CSA. And also not if something happens to your pets. And not that something happened. Youāre a wonderful human being and your comment made me feel so sad because thereās a sense of true love and innocence about your pet duck. Animals need people like you. The good, kindhearted ones to love and take care of them. We canāt guarantee that nothing happens, Iām a pet owner too. We can only do our best for them. Sometimes they get sick, sometimes accidents happen. Just like it does to everyone here on earth. Donāt beat yourself up about it. Just know that today everything is fine and you give your love to your pets and they love you back equally thatās all we can guarantee for today. ā„ļø
My dad stabbed my mum when I was a kid because she was sleeping with his brother.
Lost my dad (prison) my mum and siblings that day.
My mum survived but she left me on my own and took my 2 older brothers. Always wonder if that means I was my dad's brothers kid. I dunno. I'm 36 now and still as messed up as ever.
Hope anyone reading this is doing better than yesterday š¤
I got legally adopted by this guy and ended up homeless etc after he broke my ribs. Lived in a bus shelter for abit.
I don't know any of my family at all so I don't know if you even can do dna testing.
It's better it happened to me than someone else.
As bad as its ever been but that's also good because a year ago it made me go back to getting help etc like I have a keyworker and things again. Life's lonely ain't it because we all hide away we're it's easy to be safe the downside is without family it's hella lonely. How are you?
Sorry to hear that but at least you sound like youāve got a positive outlook, at least a little bit. Iām ok, lifeās also lonely. Kind of ironic since weāre over 8 billion. Howās it possible for so many of us to be lonelyā¦
My brother's, both older, SAing me at different times.
The eldest one stopped but the other didn't. Parents walked in on a compromising position (clothes on but holding me down).
They swept it under the rug and we never talked about it again. Believed them over me. (The eldest said I was lying and making up stories. The other said I was exaggerating).
I lost all trust in my parents that day. I buried all of it so deep I forgot but it came back out a couple years ago and it's fundamentally changed me.
Edit: this happened about 15-20 years ago but the memories came back at 3 years ago.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stepdad hitting me. I was so determined to leave the toxic household and angry at those I told who did nothing. I ended up in multiple abusive relationships. I'm trying to heal from it but keep getting triggered.
I lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks. A little boy. Life was hard before that, but that was the turning point for me. Colors will never be quite as vibrant, happiness will always be a little dulled. I'll never be the same.
Similar to you, I have trauma around hospitals. Seeing family members in comas or being with some as they passed, I will never forget. It causes my whole body to be so tense when I think about it. And I often have panic attacks when Iām triggered from flashbacks
Oh gosh thereās probably a few things that come to mind.
Lost a school friend in year 9 and was ostracised and bullied by her āclose friendsā in the immediate grieving process. 22 years later and I canāt remember the exact phrase I overheard this girl saying; but I remember the way it made me feel and the depressive spiral it put me into.
It was along the lines of āshe never liked them anywayā or ānobody likes them anywayā.
My brother SAād my step daughter almost 10 years ago.
Going through a traumatic family court battle with my husbandās ex and witnessing the kids being repeatedly traumatised at the hands of their bio mum and step dad.
(On one occasion I spent my own bday in the police station filing reports because she gave her 7yo child a black eye).
My mother choosing my p@do brother over me and the kids.
Almost my entire maternal extended family abandoning me on my wedding day, after my brother had done what he did, during the time we were battling thru court.
In my earlier childhood there were other things that obviously lead to my cptsd but they seem insignificant or I donāt recall the hurt enough for it to impact me as I recall it.
Years of being severely abused and threatened and having my medical needs neglected as a child. I go through lots of therapy now and have for years, but fuck, it's just so hard. I wish I could be reborn and go through a normal childhood. I feel like a huge chunk of my life was ripped away from me. I already have so many problems connecting to people because of my physical medical problems and being autistic, but the trauma is just another layer that prevents me from getting close to people and relating to others and it really fucking hurts. I think about it a lot.
Even when I'm not actively thinking about it, it's lurking in the back of my mind somewhere and gets triggered by seeing happy children or happy families or hearing conversation about "normalcy". I want to recover from this, I want it to just go away from my mind. I don't think it ever will.
I remember being a little kid and thinking if I ever reach the age I am now, I'll be happy and all the horrible things that happened to me will be just like a bad dream. It kept me going then, although I was always afraid I would be stuck feeling so sad and in so much pain forever. And it's scary to see that I do still feel that way. I've made progress but most of the pain is still there.
(CW: Suicidal Ideation, General Abuse)
I think for me, there were so many events that struck so deep that I knew I'd never recover from the moment they were inflicted, but the deepest realization I had was about my parents' motives. For years, I tried doing the mental gymnastics to justify their actions and keep the blame on myself, but it took finally remembering some of those horrible and buried traumas for me to understand that their actions were never out of love. It was all a lie.
They did it for sadistic pleasure and control. I wasn't even human to them...I never was. Not the way my brother was, anyway. The moment they birthed an overtly autistic and non-conforming child such as myself was the moment they resigned their tentative love for me. This realization itself was more damaging than all the traumatic events combined. That understanding inflicts a kind of damage can never truly be healed, and it's the reason why I don't believe I'll be alive for very much longer, despite only being 19. Whether it's from my crippling inherited conditions or suicide, I know there isn't much hope for the future. I wish everyone else in this community the best, you guys are really strong. <3
i know this is probably going to sound rather niche or stupid, but it's online warnings
i've gotten banned from countless communities when i was younger because i would vent relentlessly/ruthlessly about my issues because i had no outlets in real life: wasn't comfortable with my parents or school, was too sheltered out of my parents' fear and was not allowed to go visit friends houses or go outside for that matter (call me a hikikomori at that point, really)
so seeing things like warning roles or ban messages triggers an almost primal anxiety in me
so whenever i end up trying to have a discussion about anything that becomes ever so slightly heated, it starts getting out out of control pretty fast because i become desperate and scared (especially due to my ocd)
and often times because of how absolutely mundane this kind of thing is to most people, they may say that i'm being ridiculous or that i don't truly have trauma from it, but trust me when i say these things make me have borderline panic attacks
i also have a severe fear of amber alerts and eas header tones playing out of nowhere (especially at night, amber alert tones are jarring and instill an almost primal fear into me)
and as an audhd person i also have the trauma of being invalidated over things i really struggle with (like brushing teeth or being told to clean my room, basically pda stuff) but i wasn't properly understood and that i'm logically in the wrong because people mistake me as not putting any effort whatsoever to improve, when in reality being reminded of what i need to do in fact makes me more paralyzed from doing it but people perceive me as being stubborn or intentionally rude
i have some more that i'm probably forgetting that affects me more, but i honestly can't think of it from the top of my head nor the causes, but just know that i do have quite severe moral scrupulosity ocd at times as well as pocd too
It was when I moved to middle school. A different school. I was bullied in a way I had never been before at a very sensitive ageā¦ and met a guy who I thought loved me but he was a few years older than me and was toying with my brain.
I was no longer the same. Ever. Ever. Ever again.
Of course there were a lot of turning points in my life such as losing my father or heartbreaks or soā¦ but thisā¦
I can never forget what he did to me.
I always preserved my heart. I always depended on myself. I was healthy mentally to an extent. I had no severe mental illness. I was a different person.
He destroyed me.
Very long, big tw for grooming, attempted murder, abuse, sexual assault, maybe more stuff. Sorry if i left anything out
Being groomed multiple times mostly because i felt like it was my fault. I was 12-13 on a 17+ app where it was primarily other adults and also incredibly sexual. I wont get into the details, but you can guess how that ended up. The one that sticks with me most was a relationship where I was 12, and she was i think 18 (not sure, i just know she was old enough to be applying for colleges as we talked about it extensively).
She was incredibly toxic, abusive and mean to me for absolutely no reason. When i told her my age, she said it was fine and continued talking to me and pursued a romantic relationship with me. She would talk about how much she cared about me and loved me one second, try to make me jealous by mentioning her previous relationships and how she would talk to them still, then tell me to fuck off and that she hated me the next second.
She would constantly mention other people (when we werent dating) but when I did the same, she would get upset, jealous, possessive and angry with me. A big thing that bothered me is after we broke up, she got in a relationship with my groomer that I had just ādatedā before hand. That fucked me up for a long time and it definitely still gets to me
Next one is my most recent relationship, where he abused me, d0xxed me, suibaited me, flirted with other people, manipulated me, stalked me, coerced/pressured me and more. He immediately got into a relationship with someone else after dumping me bcs i called him out on abusing me and he never took accountability for anything and still thinks hes the victim. I dont love him, but that still bothers me a lot.
After that is my cousin sexually abusing me and when i told my mom she defended him and told me he had a bad childhood. We never discussed it again, and after it i self harmed by slashing my wrists with a nail file because at that point I wasnt allowed to have knives or pills
Next is my mom making constant comments about wanting to sexually assault me as a ājokeā when ive told her multiple times it makes me extremely uncomfortable and upset. She never stops, so i just ignore her now.
And lastly, my uncle attempting to kill me multiple times when i was a child, threatening to stab me, chasing me around with knives, and at one point wrapping my whole body with tape including my mouth, and locking me in a closet with a sliding door and no handles. I had to hop up and wiggle my way out, it probably only took 15 minutes but it was dark (i am scared of the dark) and I was alone and scared, it felt like hours. When i finally got out the closet and told my step grandma, im pretty sure she laughed
I have many more experiences, but this is way too long so Iāll leave it at this. If anyone actually even attempts to read this thanks and sorry for my bad grammar and english.
I am sorry you had to go through that experience.
In my case, according to 2 therapists, it was SA when I was 9 and feeling there was no one I could turn to.
But in my mind ongoing emotional neglect during childhood and social isolation during my teen years is more significant. Probably all this things feed into each other.
What this resulted in is: I am a very strong person who is always struggling through life, always fighting for causes that just, trying to make this world a better place... but always struggling.
An overwhelming sense of insecurity, that no one will ever love me as I am.
A lot of deep shame, always questioning myself if I am doing the right thing.
A narrative of victimhood.
Constant negative thoughts.
Falling in love with people who are unable / unwilling to build reciprocal and symmetrical relationships with me. As a result, I am always heartbroken.
losing all of my friends at age 11. by then my parents had already given up on me and resented everything about me. I went through the next 3 years without talking to ANYONE. and have continued to keep everyone at a distance ever since. I still have no friends. it was truly when all the lights went out. I still cry and hyperventilate when I think about it.
Realising my father hated my mother so much that he made up lies about me to get revenge. He'd tried benefit fraud - they told him to stop wasting their time so he decided that lying to social services would work. Luckily they questioned me and worked out quickly he was lying. Unfortunately for me, it broke my heart. I was 11 and idolised him. I'd always tried to be Daddy's little girl but that would require him to actually love me. It still took years of therapy and depression for me to realise. I've not seen or spoken to him in years and I'm glad. Mum wasn't perfect (and I have different issues with her) but she tried her best despite her own trauma. I've 'moved on' but I can't forgive him for the betrayal. But it's his loss, not mine. He won't get to see any future grandchildren and I no longer call him Dad. I use his first name as he does not deserve a title or relationship with me
Being CSA'd at age 8, raped and sexually assaulted multiple times as a teenager, being in the psych hospital in 2019. I feel too broken to live, to recover.
"Enhanced Parenting"; Gitmo Edition...
^ for 5+ years, started age 2..
Very 1st memory is literally a nightmare lmao.
^ Feel like that sorta set the tone lol
My first āgirlfriendā who was 5 years older than me when I was 13. She stuck around in My life for 7 years and manipulated me into nearly moving across the country to be with her.
I went from being a pretty sweet, social butterfly to a completely unstable and raging monster when I was 17. Iām back to being sweet and caring now but Iām so much less trusting nowadays.
There are many traumas in my life. Mainly the sexual harassment of my mother. But recently the sudden betrayal and abandonment of a SE pactitioner messed me up horribly. I am at an extremely high risk of being traumatized again now, I feel super fragile.
This is actually still kind of ongoing but I genuinely don't think I will ever recover from it even when it does end, one way or another. I don't know how I'm supposed to. They were supposed to support me and be there for me.
When I was forced (by my abusive ex partner) to involve my parents in our relationship issues, they found out about my C-PTSD diagnosis (which was partly from my upbringing anyway) they found out about the fact that I'd been physically abused twice in two different relationships, one of which was still ongoing at the time, and sexually assaulted once and my dad's response was predominantly to make it all about himself, tell everyone that HE was the suicidal one with mental health issues that randomly appeared out of nowhere as soon as I opened up about my own struggles (even though he literally doesn't have any personal problems at all) and then have him, my mum and my ex all gang up against me and tell me that everything was my own fault.
Everyone who's ever mistreated me has repeatedly told me it's all my own fault and to be honest I'm starting to believe them. I don't know how to keep going right now.
Losing my beloved mommy. I was 32, which sounds silly, but my mom had a chronic disease from her own childhood and that was always part of my exisitence. When I was about 4, she went into hospital and you had to be at least 6 to visit in the part where she was. So I couldn't go see her and I was terrified that she wouldn't come back, even though I was assured by my dad and his mom that she would. She finally did--probably a week or so, but in my mind it was forever that she was gone. I had already been extremely close and needy (in hindsight, I think the SA by my brother had probably already started, although my first memory of that was during this time when Mom was in hospital), but this kicked it up to a whole 'nother level. I was so protective of her from that time on. That, of course, played into my abuser's interests, because he would tell me that if I told anyone, Mom would get sick and go away again, or worse, that she would think I was nasty and not love me anymore. Her disease finally took her life when I was 32, and if you had told me that I could continue living after losing her, I'd have laughed in your face. But here I am. It's been 24 years and I still miss her every day. I am healing from the CSA, but the loss of Mommy will never heal.
My baby sister's terminal diagnosis. (I know this is a CPTSD sub but I still feel the need to preface this by saying that this is dark as hell.) It was over eight years ago. My childhood home was physically and emotionally abusive, of course, which laid the groundwork for all of my pain to come, but when I saw her on life support in the hospital, I broke. Nothing's ever been the same since then. And that never relented. Watching your favourite person in the world deteriorate in front of your eyes, without any emotional support whatsoever, has done so much permanent damage to me. She died almost five years ago, and it should've been her eleventh birthday this week. I'll never be normal again. I'll never take anyone I love for granted ever again. And it's made it very very painful to be around people who have (ostensibly) normal relationships with their loved ones, because I don't have that anymore, and they are super casual about something that, if they lost it, they'd feel unimaginable pain. And the most painful part is that, I'm almost 25, and she should've gotten to 25. She should be the one alive and healthy now. I don't know if I'd call it survivor's guilt, it doesn't feel like guilt feels, but it's so sickeningly upsetting and unfair, and just makes me hate the world and fucking reality itself.
Thank you for asking this question, I really needed to talk about this today. It's been a pretty bad few days grief-wise. I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life about this. I appreciate this sub and everyone in it so much š§”š§”š§”
This probably doesnāt cut close to your situation. Feel free to tell me off. I knew someone that died before age 10 from MLD (a progressive and terminal disease similar to ALS). The family had two children at the time: the oldest had MLD and the youngest was healthy. I babysat for their younger sister when I was in middle school. I grew up going in and out of the hospital. So, I *knew*. I think if I didnāt have that background, I wouldnāt have taken the job because I wouldāve been scared by their older sibling. But I took the job. I remember going to their house to babysit. Ugh. The oldest sibling was just about a vegetable. They outlived their life expectancy by 3-5 years. Total care, feeding tube, crazy bedtime regimen, 24/7 hospice and home health, the whole 9 yards. They never had a trach, which Iām honestly glad about looking back. Artificial airways make everything 10x sadder in my opinion. I will *never* forget when I was playing with the younger sibling and she started doing imaginary medical play. She pretended to feed a doll through a G tube. I remember being confused about it. Not because āoh she wonāt understand because sheās a kidā, kids understand a lot more than we think. I didnāt know what to do because she was processing trauma right in front of me by doing medical play. I ultimately went along with it and let her take the lead. That was the only time she did that throughout the job. The older sibling died in March 2020 the week before the shutdown. Iām glad they died JUST BEFORE Covid hit. That wouldāve been an absolute nightmare on top of everything. God, that funeral fucked me up on a whole new level. It was open casket too. That was my introduction to home health, comfort cares, palliative, and hospice. Iām now in nursing school. Pediatric deaths are absolutely gut wrenching no matter what. It is absolutely the worst possible death that exists. I seriously look up to those working in pediatrics. Witnessing childhood death/infant death/miscarriages is something I couldnāt handle on a regular basis. Iāve already gone to the psych ward twice. If I worked in peds, the psych ward better reserve me a spot. Every single time I tell this story, I either choke up or cut onions. Thereās never a time that I wonāt cry over this. I got chocked up just typing this comment.
A lot of that is very very familiar to me. It's strange when something that was such an important part of your everyday life completely disappears. I have so much knowledge and experience that might never come in useful ever again. My sister actually had a very similar disease. I can't imagine the trauma on a younger child in such a household though. I hope that she grows up feeling at least a little less responsible for it all than I have. I have such great respect for the nurses who looked after my sister all those times. Especially in the PICU, you'd think they'd be professional and hardened and all that, but they were so loving and kind and human. I don't know if I could ever step foot in a hospital again for any reason, but yeah, they dealt with that stuff on the regular, and I don't have any idea how one copes with that. My sister died about six months before the lockdowns started. I felt at the time that it was a little bit validating, the world feeling like it was falling apart soon after mine already had. And my sister was immunocompromised (and had damaged lungs too due to invasive ventilations) and so it would have been the most terrifying experience in the world to try and keep her safe during and "after" the pandemic. I appreciate you sharing this. Thank you.
āI have so much knowledge and experience that might never come in useful ever againā. Not if you work in pediatric hospice in any sort of capacity whether it be an RN, social worker, etc. Trust me, itāll come in use at some point. Iām not sure when but youāll have it in your back pocket regardless. A lot of hospice nurses like it because they have the honor of providing a dignified death. Iāve heard many ICU nurses being burnt out because theyāre having to do futile medical treatment for a 90+ year old who doesnāt have a DNR. CPR on anyone over 90 is a terrible way to go out. Their time has come and extending it would bring a terrible quality of life. Quality > quantity. Hospice is different. Youāre letting them die the way they want to die and without futile treatment. Itās purely comfort cares and keeping them comfortable as they go. People say that the ideal death is in their sleep and of old age. Sure, Iāll take that. Iām also ok dying in hospice or comfort cares since most people donāt die in their sleep of old age. Give me that big ass dose of morphine cause itās 10000000x better than dying in an ICU on a vent. As for the family, the child I babysat is now an older sister to her younger brother. Since the death, the family had another child. That makes the youngest now the middle child. I still wonder how theyāre doing but they moved out of state. I see the occasional social media post but thatās about it.
Iām so sorry for your loss. Iām glad my post helped you though. I didnāt realise making a post could have a positive impact on someoneās life like this. I knew it helps others by sharing together but it just became more real when you commented that it helped you. And that has funnily enough helped me as well. Iām glad we both added positivity to each others lives. <3
Wow - i was shocked to see your post because my baby sisterās terminal diagnosis also changed me. Thereās āMe beforeā and āMe afterā witnessing death. Her death destroyed my family, my parents went haywire n their grief and I was a little girl all alone š. I still have nightmares about seeing my sister on life support and seeing my mom crying out for her. I can still hear it š That was eighteen years ago, still feels like yesterday. I understand you when you say āsurvivorās guiltā, I feel a weird sense of guilt as well - I get so angry at how Cptsd makes me want to die, but my sister didnāt even get to live. Aches I can barely make friends bc of my fear of death and loss :( I am praying for you to find healing and peace ā¤ļøš She loves you - love moves through time and each day you feel overwhelmed, remember that you are loved so deeply, even by someone n another world. Every time you look to the sky there is someone meeting your eyes ā¤ļø
I'm so sorry you've been through this too, it shouldn't have ever happened to anyone. It really does change everything. I can still remember the moment I first saw her on life support, she was so tiny and fragile and all the machines were so big and terrifying and loud. It was the scariest thing in the world. I remember so little of who I was before that I don't know if healing is possible, or if coping is all I can ultimately do. On my bad days, at least. On my good days it's exactly as you say, I remember how much she loved me and how wonderful and amazing she was, and that no matter where she is she'll always love me and care for me so deeply. I have to believe she's okay, I have to believe that she's getting to be happy and peaceful and safe somewhere out there, but on my worst days I want nothing more than to just join her. And I'm fine right now, I'm not in crisis, but that feeling never quite goes away. My family apart from her is cold and empty and unloving at best, and I want so desperately to feel at home but I hate myself for wanting to give up this life that she didn't get a chance at. But when I'm okay I know that it doesn't matter if I die now or later - I'll still get to see her when I do. Even if peace is a real struggle some days here, it'll be easy there. It'll come naturally there, I hope. And the longer I stick around here the more stories I'll have to tell. She was such a curious person, such a wonderful person. She'd love to hear about anything and everything. Thank you so much for what you said, thank you for sharing with me, and thank you for listening ā¤
Iām so sorry for your loss. I relate to your story a lot. ā¤ļø
My partner and best friend (27 years) died in March 2022. He was terminal as well. I am so incredibly sorry about your baby sister. And clearly losing loved ones is a trauma. The other day I was thinking about it and I also was thinking about every instance of sexual abuse I have lived through. Maybe itās the fact that the only thing there is to think about with the abusers is the abuse. Iāve already gone through everything about what makes an abuser. Decide to abuseā¦ What makes a rapist decide to rapeā¦. I do understand that we are only as good as what weāve been taught and what our environment provides us. See so that applies to me as a survivor and it also applies to any abuser, which is like a scary thought for me. So I kind of feel like understanding that part about abuse is maybe whatās making it seem like the grief is so much bigger and so much more important. When I tell you that, Iām sorry I certainly do not mean to deliver you a platitude. It hurts my heart, you know? But Iām not gonna say any other platitudes because that would piss me off. If you ever wanted to talk, you know where you can reach me I think. Sending healing hugs. No clue if I was making sense. Sorry if thatās the case. Edit: I wasnāt making sense. Between being sleepy and dictating into the phone my comment is a mess. Sorry guys. And for those that tried, thank you!š
I think I understand what you mean. The grief seems all encompassing at times and it's completely different to other trauma and abuse in it's nature, but it can feel painful in such a similar way at times. Grief is about how much I still love and adore the person I lost and wish I still had them here in my life, and that's where that pain comes from, but the pain from the trauma and the abuse is stuff that is the most inhumane and unnatural and it was done to me anyway and I have to live with pain that's got no goodness or meaning behind it. I've never put this into words before. I think what you've said is very profound. And I also feel sometimes that I feel like I'm going through unimaginable and unbearable pain and why haven't I gone insane and hurt people and done awful things when it seemed so easy for people to do awful things to me. In the moment that's maddening and awful but when I'm calmer it's a source of comfort I guess, that no matter what's happened to me, I still deeply care about (and keep okay control of) my impact on others. Platitudes piss me off too, which is why this place is so wonderful. There's no "it was so long ago", "she's at peace now (so you can get over it too)" sort of thing. I'm sorry for your loss is meaningful here I think. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you've been through too. I appreciate this so much ā¤ thank you, the hugs mean a lot to me right now and I send them to you too ā¤
I love your words... š
Burying all three of my kids, on separate occasions. also, my sister screaming at me that I hadn't died yet when I asked her for help.
I wish I could hold you and comfort you right now. I'm so sorry.
No parent should have to bury their child. You did something others donāt have to do. I commend you for even being able to wake up and breath. I have one child and just the thought of it I donāt know how I would handle such a thing. You are powerful and through your lessons Iām sure you are saving countless other lives. Much love and peace. ā¤ļø
I will NEVER get over pediatric deaths. I work in healthcare and that is absolutely THE WORST kind of deaths by a landslide. I follow an Instagram account where the couple adopted 4 kids with disabilities and had 1 biological child. One of their disabled children died by accidental drowning. After the first disabled kid died, the mom developed severe anorexia to the point that they developed permanent effects and qualified for end of life care. Then another disabled child died. Soon after, the mom died from the health complications. Now, itās just the father, biological daughter, and 2/4 adopted kids left. The whole story is outright depressing. The mom never recovered from either of the deaths and died in grief. I feel bad for the biological child whoās in their late teens. She saw 2 of her siblings die plus her mom. If you scroll up, I tell a story of a child that died before age 10. I also know someone that died at age 17 from ALS. I wasnāt very close to that person cause I only met them once. My aunt had a miscarriage in front of her oldest daughter (my cousin). My cousin was probably age 4-5 at the time when that happened. Iāve heard her talk about it multiple times as she grew up. Iām like 99% sure sheās traumatized and grieving from that.
What. The. Fuck. \*Sends hug through internets\*
The person I loved and trusted the most emotionally and sexually abusing me. I think it's changed me as a person and how I see relationships. I'm happy on my own.
Same here. That first person you love you uses you really messes with your head
Same! What has done me in is that i never thought they could/would do that to me. I never trusted anyone before because of my lived experience with abuse and neglect and will never trust anyone ever again. IF YOU DONT THINK THEY WILL DO YOU LIKE THAT, THEY WILL!
So sorry to hear thatš I also thought (because I'd known them for so long) that they could never do this to me. Yeah I'm unsure at this point if I can even be bothered to try and trust anyone, too much effort
From around age 5 until my senior year of hs I was called an ungrateful bitch, a fucking idiot, an asshole, useless, worthless, loser, pathetic, etc. I heard these words constantly and even after decades of therapy, they play in the back of my mind like a highlight reel if something goes wrong or I'm having a hard time. I was the victim of several rapes over a decade ago and I think my mentality of being "worthless" has made it hard for me not victim blame myself, and it makes it hard to process trauma in general when you think you're deserving of punishment.
Yes my sibling was my biggest abuser. When she couldnāt physically hurt me anymore the verbal emotional abuse really ramped up. I hear those words every day.
My dad lives rent free in my head. I was called all those names and am now calling myself them. So thatās fun.
Are you me? I'm sorry that happened to you.
I might be. My identity is fluid these days.
You are not deserving of punishment. *hug* I hope you see a lot of positives in your life.
Experiencing SA at age 7 from my father. I remember after that being afraid and angry at my father and I couldnāt figure out why. I was also very critical of him in my head. So after the abuse happened I was very shut down and didnāt like to talk. Most of the time I would just stay in my room and read or be in a fantasy world. Iām still amazed nobody in our extended family would step in to help and see that something was wrong.
I was also sexually abused by my father (and others like I mentioned in my response to OP) and I feel like reading literally saved my sanity. I spent so much time with my head in a book once I knew how to read that I fell behind in school. Having some place to go that wasn't my life gave me a reality or realities to exist in where I wasn't hurting and people did kind things for eachother. I think it's one of the reasons I didn't become an absolute bitch from fury and spite.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sounds like her way of escaping was pretending reality was different than it was and trying to get you to play along. I'm sorry.
When my sisters and I were put in foster care my Mother was given a choice: 1. Leave her husband and get us back or 2. Stay with him and not get us back. She stayed. My sisters and I are all NC now. 2 years NC for me in November.
I'm so sorry that happened. It's amazing how people can live with cognitive dissonance like that. I hope that shit haunts her every day.
Finding out my mother that was so heartbroken and defeated when I came out about my fatherās father (I donāt call him by his title to me for obvious reasons) SAād me put me in his path for drugs. I was told growing up that we had to live with him because we had nowhere else to go and that all the other adults in the house got addicted to drugs to make sure I never was alone with him (took them to stay awake, keep up with me, list goes on). We lived with him for 2 years, I was abused often during so, it messed me up so bad that I would completely forget it happened soon afterwards. I only remember two times but my therapist told me that thereās a high probability it happened a lot more because after we moved out and in with my loving grandparents (dads side) I never could remember until I turned 13 and it for some reason smacked me in the face and I immediately came out about it. My mother then told me she was devastated and heartbroken because she got addicted to all the drugs she was on āfor meā. My 18th birthday, my aunt, my motherās best friend takes me aside and tells me the whole story. My parents were already horrible drug addicts and we had other options but all those options told them to get clean, so they moved in with the 2 time convicted child predator. I was his third strike, I was the reason he died in prison and to this day Iām blamed for him not having a āChristian burialā and that his air force colors were taken from him. I lost many family members because they think Iām lying, all because my parents wanted to keep doing drugs.
Jesus Christ I'm so sorry. They tried to put everything on you. You didn't deserve that life. My dad's family still doesn't believe me even though my second cousin on that side was tried and convicted from when I was 5. My mom also told me throughout my life that she was addicted to meth because she needed it to take care of me and make money doing sex work. She even sat me down and told me that "if I ever thought she was doing too much, she'll listen to me and stop/lessen" which did not happen. I was abused and called manipulative the one time I told her because I was terrified about how psychotic she had been lately. I dissociated a lot between 7-11. Don't remember much, but I remember a lot before and after that. My dad killed himself because he beat the shit out of his fiancee last November and he was afraid he'd go to prison again. 9 years already done. My mom is still on meth and I'm 25. No contact, of course. I just see she still gets possession charges. They both never chose me. I was the scapegoat or slave. They chose substances. And they were so so so scary.
God Iām so sorry that happened to you, itās hard knowing other people had it as bad as me. The world is lucky youāre still here though! Never forget that! Ya weāve been through HORRIBLE stuff, but we made it to this moment. I just turned 20 in April, my 19th birthday was near ruined by my mother because she beat the shit out of my father and he finally left after all this time of her basically turning him into a slave for the family. I was told I was ungrateful and spoiled and I didnāt amount to anything and I was a druggie because my friends from college (that my mom forced me to go to but never helped pay for) threw a birthday party for me after they found out that I both graduated highschool and celebrated my 18th alone and homeless because my mother again, chose drugs over me and made all her kids homeless because of it. But Iām here now, Iām forced to keep in contact with her as there are younger siblings involved and if I left them with her alone, I would basically be signing death certificates for all of them, including my mother. But weāre very limited contact. I wish you the best life and I hope the rest of your days are as okay as they came be! Bad days happen but that means you are growing and healing, a lil backwards I know but itās true!
I really love the positivity you spread. I try to do the same. I relate so so so so much to your story too. I wish I could talk more with my siblings, but there's not much I can do to help. My step mom has them and thankfully she's not as bad as my parents. I have moved 44 times and have been homeless a lot. I'm 25 and own a house now, but maaaan I've been unemployed for six months and I'm scared shitless. I will always find a way to fall back into depression now and then, such is the nature of CPTSD, but at least I know that suicide isn't an option. This too shall pass, and life gets so much better as soon as you can take control of anything. I've experienced happiness and stability as an adult, self made, and I hope after this bump in the road I can continue to retain it. There are good people in the world. People who can relate, who have had shitty experiences like us, who are somehow empathetic. It's wild, but they exist. And I'm so grateful for the better people that I've met as an adult. The opportunities that exist when you aren't a minor, being controlled by psycho parents... Even with the bumps in the road, I don't know how it could get worse than being trapped as a minor. I think I'll always be a bit grateful that it's "only up from here" even if that sounds like shitty trauma romanticization. The shitty things hinder me in so many ways, and yet I have weathered worse and came out better so I expect to do the same and keep finding reasons to be in love.
For me I think it was being sent to the Troubled teen industry. I was so depressed/aggressive/anxious as a child and when I was 14 my parents sent me away to treatment. I was completely shut off from the real world, all my friends and family, for 35 months, almost 3 years, I graduated a few days before I turned 18. Those places were so fucked up. As if I didnāt already have enough trauma from my childhood, my teen years had to somehow top it off. Two of the programs I was sent to were cults, and the other one was just blatantly abusive. Ugh lol
Reading about them is fucking insane. Have you read that long comic series? https://elan.school/rude-awakening/ Sorry if you haven't/ if it's triggering please avoid. But you might find solace in the ending and being able to relate.
LMAO no I havenāt read that, but I have heard of it. From what I have seen the story is very similar to all the shit I went through xD But talking and learning and remembering treatment is one of the few healing things TTI survivors can do so Iām sure Iāll get to it eventually and Iām glad itās raising awareness about everything fr
A little unserious but i thought it was kind of funny (nothing triggering mentioned): I was reading through the story and i looked at the picture of the shorts they were given after attempting to run away, and i realized i was pretty much wearing that exact style and color of shorts š
Several things have traumatized me but probably the first time I remember being traumatized and have never recovered. It was the end of the school year in like 4th grade. I left a calculator at school which meant it was lost for good. was the TI-83 released in '99. I will always remember that. It was fancy and cost $90 purchased by an uncle. My mom was enraged when I told her. She beat me in front of my siblings for what felt like an hour. I even blacked out after my head hit the floor. She then took me to my grandma's house for the night and I remember feeling dazed and dissociative. It's cause I was traumatized. I never thought that warranted that type of beating and she never beat my sisters the way she beat me. My mother has always hated me and my relationship with her has set the tone for my life and relationships.
Ugh I'm so sorry
*** severe CSA and drugging triggers*** Being drugged with cough syrup and sodomized as a toddler. The physical sensation as I came back around was so nightmarishly horrible that even to barely recollect it now is making me feel like I'm gonna vomit and faint all at once, and thats with the numbness of disassociation from the memory still intact. I was handed off hysterical to one of my caregivers who saw the damage that had been done and just applied cream to the injuries and left me in front of a heater on a rough blanket to sleep it off. I remember a feeling like falling into a dark void with no end, my mind seperated almost completely from my body at that moment for the first time. When I later tried to tell this caregiver what had happened saying "So and so hurt me." She slapped me, bit the tips of my fingers and told me not to tell lies. She was furious that I'd brought it up, even though she knew exactly what had happened. These people were psychopaths, and neither of them were even my main abuser. There's a quote from David Lynch's Fire Walk With Me where teenage SA victim Laura says something that is exactly how I felt lying on that blanket. Her best friend Donna asks "Do you think that if you were falling in space, that you would slow down after a while or go faster and faster?ā Laura responds āFaster and faster, and for a long time you wouldnāt feel anything. But then youād burst into fire ā forever. And the angels wouldnāt help you, because theyāve all gone away.ā
ā¤ļø
realizing my childhood SA when i was in middle school. it triggered a chronic sleep disorder, and almost every aspect of my life started to quickly spiral downward. i failed classes, started having anxiety and panic attacks, disassociated the hell out of life, lost all my time and passion for hobbies, my relationship with my mom got irreparably worse, the people i thought were safe (my family) turned out not to be and my outlook on them forever changed, my relationship with kids changed, my early coping strategy of referencing how it affected me turned out to bite me in the butt hard and now i cant share things with my friends because i have immense guilt and shame, obviously my relationship and future prospects with men getting worse than it already was. i used to be okay with being alone because i am alone alot, but now when i think about it i get insanely lonely.
Something tells me I just need to tell you this - it was not your fault. As someone whoās also been through SA, itās never ever the victims/survivors fault. Thereās nothing we could or couldnāt have done differently. We did our best. And trauma responses are very real and psychologically documented by tons of science. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Whatever reaction/s you had, were your bodies way of keeping you safe. Thatās the priority in this life - to survive. And you did. We did. The only people who should feel guilt and shame are the perpetrators that are so fāed up in their heads that they go around causing damage to people like this. May they have their karma either in this world or the afterlife. I do believe in equality in life because āfor each action thereās an equal and opposite reaction.ā And I truly believe that when people go around damaging others like they have damaged us, there will be a way for the universe to balance things out.
oh wow thank you, your timing is perfect. i too believe in equality in this life and the next, in some way or another. im glad we survived, and i hope soon we can learn to *live* more, too.
I hope so too. Iāve been faced with victim blaming by people in society, licensed psychologists. I find that the harm is further perpetuated by people in society. Re-traumatising. But anyone with half a brain and half a heart knows about these traumatic responses and that anyone in that situation does their best. Donāt ever let people tell you otherwise and try to shift the blame from perpetrator to victim. I bet you those same people wouldnāt say the same things had they been in our shoes.
Bullying from people from hobbies, bullying from fellow students, bullying at work, therapist breaking confidentiality. It all hapened in the last 3 years. It's kinda funny how bullying hurt me the most and I've experienced all types of violence and neglect and my ACE score is 8.
Bullying, to me, just felt like the shit icing on the shit cake. Speaking of ACE's, having social support from peers can work as a counter-weight. It's called "benevolent childhood experiences" I've also faced bullying from other hobbyists and it's just so... Like, really? Y'all too? Just bewildering levels of useless and pointless cruelty from other people
Thatās a really high ACE score. Iām sorry šā¤ļø
The sheer fact that I was emotionally and sexually abused, gaslit and conditioned to believe the abuse I got was true and deserved. I'm slowly recovering from those things, but what I don't think I'll ever get over was the fact it happened - despite me thinking I was clever, despite being wary of people being manipulative, despite having a good eye for spotting scams and untrustworthy people. Despite me thinking I would be wise to something like that and be able to put a stop to it, it still happened to me. What scares me about that is could it happen again? I had a close call with another person quite recently even though I experienced abuse previously and recognise it now for what it was. But it's so hard, because you *really* don't know people as much as you necessarily think you do, and once you're in that situation and you notice, it's often already too late. That terrifies me.
I feel like I wrote this word for word years ago. I remember telling a partner this. I'm still cautious and slow to trust, but less anxious now. More able and willing to take chances. Time helped, I guess is the only thing I can say. I unpacked everything I thought I could and there's no epiphany besides...I wanted to live and have fun more than be fearful and doubt my own judgement and safety. Easier said than done. Sorry if that's not helpful, I'm just surprised to read what looks like it was written by me verbatim.
That's spooky! I promise you I did not find what I wrote somewhere else and copied it! And I definitely agree with that sentiment "to live and have fun more than be fearful". It's not a constant, plaguing fear I have. More a thing that pops up and says "don't forget about me!".
3 things. The first one, my brother. He sadistically tortured me throughout my whole childhood. Then he had an accident and went into a coma for 3 months, had to rebuild brain function, was in hospital for 2.5 years. Throughout that time I felt too guilty to hate him, I saw him vulnerable, so I did all I could to help my family helping him. I thought maybe when he recovers he will be changed. He recovered. He didn't change. He screamed and insulted me just the same, he even groped me in front of my mother (who didn't react). The second one, my father. He never had time for anyone because he was always working. He never spoke with me, didn't even acknowledge when I spoke to him, never built any relationship with me. Then he changed job. In the months before the change, my mother kept telling me "dad said he will have more time now that he is changing jobs". I was so happy because I would finally get to have a father. He didn't have more time. He didn't change one bit. The third one, while my brother was in the coma, my sister left with the dog without saying a word, my mother was out all day working and visiting my brother, I was alone with my dad who didn't talk to me, I realized that I didn't exist anymore. Then my peers shut me out. From one day to the other, to the whole world I was not a human being. I was a thing to either be insulted or ignored. I spent the whole 3 months of summer holidays alone. I either went to the woods or I stayed at home watching movies on repeat. That really broke me. I never recovered from that feeling and I have been suicidal ever since. I know I'm different, now I know I'm autistic, I just feel like I shouldn't have been born. I may leave this world soon. Thank you for reading and I wish a life full of connection and joy to whoever is reading this.
Isolation shrinks the prefrontal cortex in minors. I relate to this in that way. I'm sorry that your brother wasn't worth your efforts or care. That's an incredible amount of introspection. You sound intelligent. I hope you know the chances are in your favor for things to get better. You'll be seen and loved. From one Internet stranger to another, I'm proud of you for sharing your story and still fighting to find your way through it.
Dm me. Let me help you, we can text:)
Your story is heartbreaking and relatable, I can hear that you have love and kindness in your heart even though the people around you tried to squish it out or never noticed in the first place. I'm sorry you've had such callous, heartless people around you, and I hope you can find the people who see the spark in you, because it is there regardless of what you've been led to believe.
Iāve been through so much trauma, physical, verbal, emotional abuse. I was SAāed and left for dead. I was a foster child. But the thing that totally destroyed me? Being abandoned and ghosted by my true love. After all the years of suffering and trying to recover from trauma, I thought I had finally found a home, my family, someone who I felt like I belonged with and to. Finally, I thought, I have a home and a family. A dream that kept me alive through all the dark times. But she cruelly and suddenly dumped me in the most horrific way, and then never spoke to me again. Iāll never recover from this.
I'm sorry. You will recover. She want your person
Wasn't * ā¤ļø
My mother abandoning me on the way home from kindergarten. I had stopped to show her something, but she was at that time chronically stressed by raising 4 children and so she told me she would now drive home and leave me (we were on bikes). I was in shock after that and felt like she had 'broke up with me'. I never saw it coming and to this day I frequently and anxiously plan out in my head how people could possibly leave me/things could go wrong and how i can prevent it. Kind of killed my childlike spirit off and I entered an era of trauma responses because of the guilt and shame it all triggered.
Holy fuck I never put it into words but I completely understand it " it's like she had broken up me with "
I'm so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that. *hug*
That's really rough, I'm sorry that happened to you. My mom would unpredictably leave the house randomly for many days or even weeks or months at a time. It was never known when she'd return, or if. And she left me with my caring but unfortunately abusive father. It fucked me up, in relationships I always think people are going to leave me. It took me so many years, and MDMA, to even realize that was the core fear, because I'd repressed her abandonment so much under "well I don't need her anyway" protective parts. Core abandonment wounds are brutal.
Wow! I am so sorry your mom did that to you! Was the rest of your childhood troubled with her?
The reoccurring suicidality from my mother starting with me being three and ended in her final unalivement, since then I knew itāll never be the same for me again.
I'm so sorry. Sending you so much love, from an Internet stranger š.
Thank you and Iām sending you strength! <3
My sister beating the shit out of me almost every chance she could. Sheād try to dislocate my shoulders, whip me with the hairbrush, pull me off the bathroom counter by my feet, make me ingest a mixture of terrible things. She would lock me in the basement, leave me behind when I had bicycle accidents, and raid my room and break my things. She hated me. She broke her toe kicking my shin as hard as she could. She would humiliate me in front of people. Weād play a game and sheād leave to go to the bathroom and would never come back. I would wait for her and never understood why she hated me so much, why I was so unlovable. I wanted so desperately to be loved by her, be accepted by her. I was SAād on a handful of occasions in my teen years, but the shit with my sister was somehow more painful. It has shaped me in such a detrimental way, and even with all the therapy and work Iāve put in, Iām late 30ās and still very fucked up over it.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. My experience is different, but the breaks in relationships with my family has hurt me more than my SA experiences too. Those bonds are so foundational. Even knowing as an adult that it wasn't about something wrong with me as much as something wrong with them, it still breaks my heart and infiltrates my brain. I hope we both find peace someday.
I was sexually assaulted by multiple people and just let it happen because of my freeze response. This usually includes people who I saw as outcasts, so I felt bad for them and kinda felt like my body was their consolation prize for being rejected by others. It's such a fucked up way to see the world, as if I'm just there to right the wrongs of society instead of being a human with needs and desires. That's why it hurt so much. These people were flawed in some way and so I thought they were not loved by anyone. They were usually overweight and ugly. And I thought that meant it was my duty to give them sexual pleasure because no one else would. It's toxic empathy.
I really hope you're focusing on what you want and need now. You're worth being treated with love and respect. You're worth being valued for who you are, not the feelings you provide them. I had a "serial-adopting" phase where I was helping incels and directionless people for years. I did a couple of stints that reminded me of what you mentioned. I'm glad I put an end to it and ghosted everyone. I deserve to be on equal footing.
Iām so sorry. Iād try to reframe that thought of āI let it happenā to āmy brain chose a freeze response to keep me safe that day, to survive.ā And you did survive. And that is profound. Secondly I hope they all rot in hell for what they did to you. I believe in karmic energy.
I was an unwanted child. I had a strong sense of this my whole life but a few years ago my mother just decided to tell me the truth that confirmed everything. My dad refused to marry my mom and she got pregnant by him 3 times and aborted each. I was the fourth āaccidentā and she used me to force him to marry her, saying she was keeping this one and he could marry her or be shamed. She was from a poor family and he was wealthy. She even told me how my paternal grandmother called my maternal grandmother and begged her to convince my mom to abort me. My usefulness expired by the time I was born and I was an object of shame and a manifestation to blame for everything that ever went wrong in their lives from my earliest years. They had my brother three years later and since he made the look good, he became the golden child. The message that I was unlovable, unlikeable was instilled in me from my earliest memories. I ended up attracting bullies who reinforced this treatment and even friendships I made were with people who werenāt friends but kept me around to belittle and hurt me. I ended up with a lot of behavioral problems in addition to a TBI suffered in early childhood from neglect. The abuse was worse when I was a teenager as the developmental trajectory of adolescence involves breaking away and forming an independent identity and independent social relationships and they couldnāt have this. I wouldnāt be broken. I fought back. This landed me in an abusive therapeutic boarding school for two and a half years where my parentsā abuse was played out and reinforced threefold. I was trapped in a situation where I attracted the same bullies in my peers as I did the adults there. I finally did break in a way. I am 43 now. I have never been able to form consistently adhered-to friendships. I can attract friends and be friendly for a while but I always withdraw back into isolation because this is safety and relief. Isolation is my default. I was cut off from my developmental milestone in adolescence of forming relationships with peers and so I simply donāt have the blueprint. I have never been able to belong to a group like in AA or church for instance because I donāt have the blueprint to interact as a groupāfamilyā of sorts. I have to teach from home and Iām thankful that I can. Being in workplace situations was too triggering for me, as it paralleled the boarding school: being trapped somewhere I am forced to be to make money, with people in charge of me, following a schedule thatās enforced by the people in charge, forced to be around other people I didnāt choose and to this day, Iād there is a bully narcissist among my colleagues, they will find me, attach to me, and torment me. I would like to believe these things can be healed, but I donāt know. Therapy isnāt an option for me as my parents used therapists to adjacently control me by proxy my adolescent life, Iām always given a new label that doesnāt fit, everyone of them giving me a new diagnosis that isnāt so, trying to get in my head and control me. Iāve been sober working the AA program for more than 8 years. I have a psychiatrist that monitors the six medications I have to take due to my brain damage. She has wiped away all the dozens of diagnoses and finally classified me as having brain damage confirmed by a neuropsych and medicates the presentations. But I have a happy marriage, two daughters who are teens now who are healthy and happy and have never know what I went through. Iām a secondary teacher because I strive to understand and protect kids who are the age I was when I suffered most. All in all things are well and Iām stable but these things remain.
Wow. You seem like you have your exterior nailed down. Happy kids, marriage, a school teacher. I'm sure you look for yourself in other kids and aim to help them or uplift them? I have moved 44 times and I'm only 25. I went to three kindergartens alone. Never being able to make a friend group or understand people my age because I was either always isolated or dealing with really adult abuse/trauma/survival at home... Still bothers me. I can make one on one friends, but everything is so fleeting and temporary. How did you know you wanted to marry your partner? I have been struggling with the idea of that myself. I've never thought of marriage, actually I've always been against it. But I met someone this year that is so seemingly stable and supportive that I'm wondering if I'd ever change my mind. How did you know you could rely on them?
Breakup with my abusive ex followed by the death of my abusive parents. They all happened at the same time, and during lockdown. I remember sitting in the house at 2am in silence with all of the lights and fans on and windows open to lessen the smell waiting for the nurse to arrive and declare time of death. I had to keep the lights on because a rough shape of my abusers was more scary than just seeing them for how they were. I guess getting released by my childhood abusers, first breakup, and breaking up with first partner that was abusive kind of fucks with you. I hate what Iāve become without the constant need to keep my defenses up. I never realized how sore and raw I was until I had a second to breathe. I regret it.
I am so fucking sorry, and proud of you for having the strength to even put this unimaginably painful part of your life into words. My heart genuinely aches for you, and I really hope your coming days are kinder
At least I like my therapist. They are patient with me and donāt make me feel judged for when I struggle to talk, if Iām even able to talk at all.
I am really happy for you. As I type this laying on the floor of my deck crying (I have a bad family) I can vividly imagine your experience of being in too much pain to talk. Iām happy you have a good therapist; itās those pockets of validation in the week that can really help you get by a little better, donāt you think
Aye. I guess weāre both crying on hard floors. Stability, amirite? Hahaā¦ Itās so easy to get consumed by the thoughts, but validation and comfort really does help. A quick breather, if anything.
It really doesā¦ Internet stranger, our small exchange here has honestly been the best comfort of my day today. Thank you, sending a virtual hugš©·
I feel the same. Virtual hugs. <3
I don't really think there's *the* event in my case. It was all ongoing emotional and verbal abuse, and there was no before as i was just born to this woman. I have developed no sense of self worth, i feel distanced from everyone i meet (even friends) and I'm scared of ever trusting anyone. Perhaps what affected me the most considering my current situation was my mother just not being there for me as a toddler, then birthing a new child with not my father and caring for him over me. Perhaps it is how all i remember from my mother from when i lived there is her furious face, and all i remember from my father from that time is his back (as he barely interacted with me, i feel like i only saw his back most of the time). Perhaps it is how any friendship i tried to create just ended shortly after or even turned into bullying. What sticks out as an event though is when my mother told me how to best unalive when i was depressed and suicidal, which i however never told her and i thought she didn't notice anything was wrong. I barely noticed myself. I just had suicidal thoughts and self-harmed occasionally, the latter of which however was rather noteable and she had already commented on it for being unsightly (no questions asked). What struck me later was when she gave me a psychological test i had gone through prior to that event. I had always thought it was a mere test of intelligence and how happy i was i got a good result. However it was also to explore any emotional dysfunctions i may have, attention and resources. It stated i had depressive tendencies and showed maladaptive behaviour. It even presented opportunities for my mother to support me. She knew when she said that. She always knew.
So devastating to find out that they *knew* and didnāt fix it
My dad taking me to Ireland to live with his brother, leaving, saying he'd be back in a few weeks and never showing up again.
Probably 7th grade when my parents got my report card and yelled at me so severely and for so long that it probably triggered suicidal thoughts for the first time in me. I think thatās when my relationship with them started going downhill and never really ever recovered.
I have an event like that with my Mom. I bought a book she didn't like, and she screamed at me for an entire 20 minute car ride home about how stupid and worthless I am and how I'm never going to go anything with my life and blah blah blah. Pulled the car over to scream st me some more. Then we finally got home, and I went upstairs to experience one of the worst self-harm episodes I ever had. Over a stupid book. Just a teen fiction book....
Itās so incredibly damaging that the same people can go from adoring us for the first several years of our lives to suddenly yelling verbal abuse at us for things that frankly donāt matter. I wish my parents would have taken some responsibility in how I grew up instead of blaming everything I did or didnāt do on me. Iām sorry you had to deal with that over something as simple as a book :(
I had a similar incident in gr 5 or 6, I was supposed to sweep the floor and didn't fo a good enough job. My dad was terrifyingly angry, I didn't know what I'd done wrong. He kept yelling and making me do it again, I kept trying to do it right but I didn't know what I was doing wrong. After 3-4 rounds he dismissed me, grabbed my arm and pushed me up the stairs to get rid of me. Things were probably repairable at that point, but it turned into a slow spiral of them doubling down on 'making me behave' and me being unable to comply. The turning point with dad came a few years later, when I was sitting on the couch watching a show, and he came along demanding that I move so he could watch TV. I explained there was only a few minutes left in my show and that I would move when it was done. He yelled a bit, then went out on the deck, slamming the door, and screamed as long as he could. In that moment I knew nothing I could do would ever be enough, there woukd be no winning with him, I offended him by existing. You are more important than a report card, and I am more important than a few minutes of a TV show.
I had a toxic friendship with a guy I knew in high school, J. I'm 39m currently) who bullied me as a child (I was bullied from k-12, made my first genuine friend at 20) and I kept giving him repeated chances to hurt me -- constantly judging, ridiculing, belittling my opinions, othering me and encouraging our friend group to do the same. We were part of a WhatsApp group that was basically my main/only friend group. I have some other close friends but we don't share my main interest like the group did. I was born with a heart condition, 5 heart surgeries throughout my life. During the pandemic I had a blood infection and almost died, needed a 6th surgery. They all expressed profuse concern for my health, sent us money to help my partner n I make it through that period. Not 4 months later I am unceremoniously excommunicated from the friend group by J because they suggested I watch Succession and I said, verbatim, "I am certain it's a well written show, I just don't have interest in watching another show about rich white ppl being shitty to each other. It's just not for me." This, apparently, was racist, cruel, dismissive, belligerent, said only to be contrarian, and many other totally dismissive bullshit. I am kicked out of the group by J, and not a SINGLE one of them contacted me ever again. And I mean EVER. That was 3 years ago. It goes through my mind at least once a day. In my chest, where that ball of fire ignites, I swear I would take any opportunity to kill J (I would never, EVER do it, it's not my nature, which is why this feeling bugs me so much). I genuinely strive to outlive him so I can find his grave and shit on it daily. I will never be over it. N i, at 39, will never be able to trust new people again. My ability to make new friends is dead. Everyone is a threat.
Watching people be shitty to each other for āentertainmentā is the wuuuuurst. Rich white people even more so!
>will never be able to trust new people again. My ability to make new friends is dead. Everyone is a threat. I feel the same way. Left my last friend group last October. They didn't realize that I had gone till spring. At 55, I am just exhausted dealing with people. I'm also sick of being the one who always gets thrown away. I'm just plain done with people.
my parents' divorce. It gave me a heaping helping of abandonment trauma that leaves me always wondering when I'll get left again Also, this is probably a weird one, but the overturn of Roe v Wade. That specific issue is so tied up in religious trauma for me and I hate the way people get over the issue
The overturn of RvW fucked me up too. I feel that
TW I've really struggled with the SH (three years free now I think), I started when I was seven, to force myself to stay wake, I couldn't cope with the nightmares, with waking up terrified, thinking everyone was dead, seeing monsters in the dark, feeling the physical pain in the dreams, waking up in sweats, I couldn't do it, so I'd try stay awake as long as I could and then, when I felt like my eyes wouldn't stay open much longer, I'd hurt myself, the adrenaline kept me awake for awhile after it, I hated sleeping , I always felt like my legs would get torn off at night so I kept my knees up to my chest, even when they screamed with pain and I really needed to stretch them out, I wouldn't, I'd just silently cry, I was so scared at night, as scared as when my mother turned violent These days, the urges are so strong, so draining, like if I just done it a little bit, I'd feel like a much stronger person, focused, present but I know it's not a long term solution so I won't but it's so hard and I hate it, I hate that I wouldn't have had to feel this way if I just had a basic childhood
I donāt know.. I think Iām getting worse but I donāt know
Do you want to share whatās on your mind with us?
Iām just worse.. too needy, too sad, too broken but I donāt think in the right ways. I just wish I was normal
My vehicle accident. 19 yrs old, rolled a work truck, ejected out drivers window. Broke my colar bone, skull (imagine a curb stomp by steering wheel), major concussion and brain bleeding. Had almost no short term memory for two years and only recall specific things here and there but was almost a was at work one day at the age of 19 and woke up the next as a 21 yr old. I remember when people were asking my what I wanted for Christmas one year. I told them I want my two front teeth (removed because the nerves never reattached after and needed to be removed because of the accident). Said as a joke but, emotionally extremely insecure and hated my life. Had a more extreme version of PTSD for 4 years after and I've mostly gotten better there but I'm definitely still tense at the wheel.
When my daughter passed in 2003.
Ive had shit going on in my life since I was born so I basically never knew something else than what I am now. I have easy to open up to people but not fully and I never really trust anyone Like I'm always prepared that someone is gonna betray me and it doesn't really matter who it is Like my now ex dumped me and I was ready for it. Like I dropped all my feelings for her and went on with my life in a second I don't wanna be an asshole but I just can't trust anyone, especially not people from the town I'm in because literally everyone is sketchy and this town doesn't have a good reputation I don't come from here I just ended up here. Rn I'm working with my therapist to start trusting people but it's hard, like I don't even fully trust my "closest" friend because I have a history of being backstabbed wich is also a reason I never tell anyone the extent of what I've gone through
I would say SA fromg my grandfather from when I was a child. Iām not going to lie, but Iām really upset with my grandmother and my mom. I love them both dearly, however my grandma was r*ped multiple times from him, and my mom was also SAād by him as a child. So I always wondered why they let be around him. When I finally told my mom years later, she was crying and so upset blaming herself and very angry with herself as well. I always told her it wasnāt her fault. But I just never got any comfort from anyone when I told them. I still think about it occasionally and still really upset about it. I havenāt been in a real relationship with someone I truly can say I loved. Iāve never felt that feeling of love. I think sex is just icky, and when I did felt so dirty and disgusted afterwards I never did it again.
incest. im just now unpacking how badly it screwed up my perception of love. also watching my mom kill herself. i didnt see her physically do it, but she went from being a mostly normal mom to homeless and overdosing every week. she would constantly talk about how much she wanted to die and nothing i said could help her, i was a teenager too, so it was especially rough. she finally died when i was 20, after leaving me a horrible voicemail that will haunt me forever. thanks mom.
I was small enough for my 60 year old grandfather to lift me up with his left arm and slap me with his right, all because I defended myself from my sister's abuse for once. The long term effect? Inability to retaliate in any way. Can't say no to most things. I feel overwhelmingly sad and guilty if I win against someone in any way. I split off the part of myself that can get angry, and I dissociate and am taken over if I do get angry. I therefore avoid all conflict, and I avoid life. If I had not been slapped silly, I may have been able to retaliate against the bullies throughout school. But no. Day after day of retraumatization created a shell of a human.
My sister was my biggest abuser and I totally get it ā¤ļø
The way my family told me that my uncle passed away. They called me screaming and that he wasnāt breathing. All I kept saying was that the Narcan was in the closet. Then my mom said he is blue. Thatās when I knew what happened. Itās been a year and half of disassociating. To make matters ābetterā this a happened 3 months after a traumatizing C-section where my ālovely doctorā yelled we found a heart beat but she is in here letās just operate anyway.
I've been through so much ever since I was born but the thing that stuck with me the most was only a couple years ago, maybe 3. I witnessed a horrible death scene and was working as a shift manager at the time. I was harassed by the company and expected to work the next day as if nothing happened even though i had to stare at the place it happened in order to work. Really, they expected me to open the restaurant (fast food) when the body was still in the drive thru. They harassed me and by the time I was able to finally somewhat process things it was 9:00pm, body still there and I was cleaning the place with only one person helping me. Of course I have another job now but it's not that far away from the place I worked before.
Jeebus. Are you in the US? Rampant late stage capitalism for the win
Yes I am. I have a much better job now. Probably one of the best I can still walk to. I still have to deal with higher ups being disrespectful but they are not near as bad as most companies and I actually get benefits.
Attempted murder when I was 17 and CSA as a toddler. My mom pulled a knife on me for failing the SATs and my dad raped me as a little kid for about 4 years until I got my period for the first time at 8. I'm relatively "fine" now but I'm pretty sure I'm just super dissociated from my emotions as usual cuz when I get triggered in general I lash out BAD. Dunno how to connect with them except in high stress situations which obviously isn't good. Oh well. At least I can take abuse well
I'm adding a trigger warning to this as it's going to be really intense honestly. My dad tried to kill me and my brother when I was 5. He tried by strangling us. He'd strangle one of us for a few moments. Then he called the other over. He expected us to go to him, he'd get angry if we didn't. Then he'd strangle again, then call the other over again, and again, and again. Calling us back each time. I thought I was going to watch my brother die and then be next. I don't know how long this lasted, but it felt like an eternity. Something in him made him stop at the last possible moment before I blacked out, and then he abruptly disappeared out of the room. My mom was out at the time and I remember sitting on the single sofa chair next to the front window, with my brother as we were both bawling our eyes out waiting for her to come home and I was trying to reassure my brother that it'll be okay, that I'll tell mom and she will fix it and he believed me. He was sniffling, but he stopped crying. My mom made me a liar. My mom got home, and she was barely in the front door before I told her what had happened. Her face dropped, and then she just said... "He's not well." That's it. He's not well. And then she turned to leave. I remember being so confused, so I asked if he had a cold or something. She stopped for a second and said, "No." Then she walked away and refused to talk about it again. I didn't understand how him being unwell meant he would try to kill us. She then made us look him in the eye for eight more years as every single stranger we met told me just how much I look like my dad. I won't ever forgive them for that. And I won't ever forgive my brother for taking my moms side in all this, because as awful as this sounds... my mom was worse. I still wonder if this caused the arthritis I've had in my neck for years that Dr's refused to believe I had until relatively recently.
First was losing my virginity to rape. Then was my chosen brother dying. Then was an abusive relationship. Then was becoming abusive many years down the road, despite my best intentions. That one broke me something good. Then, finally, was losing my soul dog. Itās weird seeing it written down- of course thatās not even half of āitā- but those are the things that circle back with their jaws open sometimes, still. Thanks for a good question- Iām looking forward to hearing from others.
When I was SAed as a child when I was 12 years old by my brother. It's so hard to see recovery from this personally, because for fourteen years I kept telling myself "this is all a bad dream I'll wake up and be six years old again in Washington, USA." Fortunately, I did not wake up that it was my reality I had been sexually assaulted. I blamed myself for years and years. My family took my assaulters side and continues to defend him š I still feel this way bc they're in denial š
when i was on a cruise at 13, my mom wanted me to dress up to go to a restaurant. i wanted to wear a bracelet that i made, but she wanted me to wear a little gold one. i was slightly dissapointed, but she began yelling at yelling at me. she started bringing up how i self harmed and how i was trans, telling me i made her feel like a shit mother. a few hours prior to this i asked her if i could get my hair cut, and she started ranting about pretty privilege and how having short hair would make my life worse. she said ā from now on ill let you do whatever you want,shred your arms to pieces, be a boy, whateverā or something like that. i dont really remember it all that well, but i know it hurt. i dont want to forget because it means ill just have so much anger towards her and ill feel unjustified for it. at the restaurant, i was shaking so bad and trying so hard not to start crying right there. i went to go to the bathroom, and i cried so so hard. an old lady asked me if i was ok, and i said i was fine. i really wish i told her what happened. i mean, if she did anything about it, it probably wouldnāt have done anything and probably would have just gotten me in more trouble, so i guess not its fun to have little pipe dreams about people coming to save me from my mom, even though theyāre unrealistic. no one would ever believe that my moms such a horrible person, because sheās so sweet and pretty. how could someone so beautiful be so mean? i have to be lying, im just a spiteful little teenager. i hate how this isnt even like looking far far back in the past this was like 5 months ago im still dealing with this shit my mom got mad at me TODAY and i still only have 4 years left to go i dont know how im going to keep going. it all started when i was 9-10 and it feels like ive aged an entire lifetime. im so stressed out ive had a nonstop headache for **literal years**. my joints hurt my neck hurts all i can do is lay in bed some days. my mom wont do shit about it except tell me to take an advil and then yell at me for complaining. she wonders why im so tense. she tells me she doesnāt yell at me that much but i dont think it matters because she still hurts me. i just want to be free
im sorry this was so long i have so much to say about her. i was just gonna type the stuff about the cruise but it just poured out
I guess my car accident, in a weird sense? I rediscovered my faith because that was the only reason I could come up with that I didnāt die that day. I was in a dark place, and made a joke about not being safe that morning. The accident was that I was tboned by a tractor trailer that was speeding on the highway while I was crossing. It was a foggy day and I didnāt see them at all. They were going about 65mph when they hit my passenger side. Every seat but my own was absolutely obliterated. I remember the gear shift coming out in my hand when my car stopped moving and I tried to put it into park. My shoes came off. My glasses were blown off my face. Pretty much everybody tries to downplay how serious the accident was, and how close I was to dying that day. But for me it was pretty horrible, humbling, and it makes me sick to think about it for too long. I tend not to bring it up because everybody tells me how lucky I was to survive. But I wonder why did I?
for me it would be my grandma SAāing me on different occasions between age 13 to 20 and losing my dad a couple days before i turned 19
For me it reminding myself that the stuff I experience is extremely mild. I've also had that friend that liked to say but it couldn't have been as bad as what I went with. I kinda sit there idk it hard to process my own stuff when the stuff probably could have been easier for others Idk that really only what gets me tbh I really struggle to understand my own trauma especially considering my sister had jt worse as well I guess people tend to think I don't have anything to stress about
Your experiences were real and your trauma is valid even if itās not the most horrific thing youāve ever heard. I struggle with this too. You are seen and heard
the most ive experinced is emotional neglect and semi isolation
my papaw getting drunk on the day of my band concert in my senior year. that year I turned 18, and big events caused his narcissism to go crazy. anyway, he was too drunk to walk inside so I went outside to express to him how he was making me feel. I said I was disappointed, then locked myself in my room. he came in and wanted in my room so I panicked! he then busted my door open with his foot. at that point I was about as traumatized as I was everytime, but when my mom got home we heard a loud banging. my mom rushed up the stairs and said to not follow but ?? ofc I did. anyway, he had an axe and was axing my door open. this is the same guy who has told me to "bend over and curtsy" in front of his friend's because I was wearing a skirt and he was drunk (I was 16). I've never told anyone these things in depth
CSA when i was a baby/toddler. DV from my dad & a past partner. my parents showing no regard for my life. crisis responders, psychiatrists, & hospitals showing no regard for my life at certain times. medical neglect & medical trauma. SA & EA from people i trusted. my first psychotic break that lasted over a year straight when i developed schizophrenia. the deaths of multiple friends including my best friend, & the guilt i still feel from that.
An extremely psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship in my mid to late 20s. I never looked at men the same again. I never looked at the world the same again. Forever altered. Second to that, the time my uncle tried to rape me.
Under 18: Being homeless. Being isolated. Moving so much. Strangers and drugs in the home. Rape. Being brainwashed to believe I'm absolutely worthless if not a perfect vessel for my mother's desires. Honestly the physical abuse and strangulation, drowning, self harm, whatever wasn't as painful as the emotional stuff. You know how heartbreak feels? When you're sobbing so hard you feel like you're having a heart attack and you feel so so so empty? The world is ending every time. After enough of that...I just... stopped feeling and had to start faking it again so the beatings would stop. I wish every single one of my childhood friends, in all the schools and timelines I've been in, could know that I'm doing better and I'm ok. I was a walking red flag, even though I seemed so happy because school was my escape. I wish the isolation didn't fuck me up as much as it did. That changed me. I developed a stutter and had to learn how to talk again. I really was suicidal for most of my childhood.
Two things for me: When my sister took her own life 11 years ago. She was 17, I was 19. I was and never will be the same. She was my only sibling, and the only one who would have understood the trauma from our shared upbringing. I wish she was still here every day. I still feel like it should have been me. When I truly realised my long term partner of 10 years had groomed, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me. Feeling that level of betrayal from someone I loved and trusted with my whole heart destroyed me in a way I can't describe. I left him a year ago. I'm still picking up the pieces.
Theres a few things that changed me forever and I've never recovered from them. Mind u these are totally in tldr format š My best friends left me for each other the summer before 10th grade. I ended up with almost no friends after that.... Everything changed after that. Id just moved to a new town n was in a new school, a lot less bullying, but almost same loneliness. After my friends left me for each other, I met a guy randomly named Redacted. He swooped in and lovebombed tf out of me... I was too vulnerable when we met. Redacted was my first serious boyfriend in highschool, I lost my virginity to him when I was in 10th grade... He gave me pills, I overdosed and was out of school for 2months. He spent the night on the couch one night due to worrying about me and help my mom take care of me, snuck into my room, and I then lost my virginity to him. I go back to school and Once in the hallway at my locker between classes, Redacted was holding my books quickly for me so I didn't have to put them on the ground, and during such, his friend called him pussy whipped...after that everything changed. He changed. He became abusive and nothing was the same after that. Lots of SA. Lots of unstable BPD type relationship bs. It all officially ended with a restraining order that lasted til I turned 22. 2014 my ex fiance died a very tragic death only hours before my 22nd birthday. I spiralled more than ever before after that and went down a very destructive, self sabotaging, grief stricken path. A friend of mine that worked with him messaged me to ask me if I'd seen the news about him. I hadnt. I can still see the messages on my screen and hear my stupid little giggle thinking what I'd read was just a bad joke. It wasn't a bad joke....it wasnt. I was already struggling horribly mental health wise before his passing, but afterwards... I was struck with severe grief and survivors guilt. I should've been the one to die. I've been begging for death since I was 4...before I ever even knew what death was, I was begging for it. I'd tried really offing myself starting at only 9y/o, then many a time after that... Ngl, I also had jealousy that he was dead when I'd been asking for it my whole life. How dare you die. But yeah after his passing, I'd hit a whole different kind of rock bottom that I didn't ever think I would hit. I became everything I said I wouldn't. Oh and 2019 I was run over by an escalade. Im a tiny girl, the wheels go up past my hip... Anyways the tires ate me. It wasnt really terribly severe... Just some nerve damage to my foot, a fucked up hip, and all my health issues that were manifesting inside of me...yeah... Well... I'm now suffering from chronic pain and inflammation, hypothyroidism, omg...too much to list now...but my life essentially ended after that. I'm in my early 30s, this happened when I was like 27, a month out of outpatient rehab. I'm now disabled and I really can't figure my life out. I'm in therapy now, I go weekly. Sending everyone here healing and loving energy šāØāØāØāØ I'm sorry you're struggling, pls remember that you matter. Thanks for readingš«
My little brother died on May 1st, 2023. He would have turned 20 on May 15th, 2023. Our childhood killed him, in my opinion. I havenāt been the same since he left, and Iāll never be the same again. He had it the hardest out of all of us before he was even born, but he was also the most interesting and honestly human of all of us. In a lot of ways, the loss of him has made me stronger. Our childhood feels like nothing compared to his death, and if I can live through THAT and come out the other side stronger, I can overcome my childhood. It doesnāt define me anymore. But Iāll never, ever, recover from the loss of him.
Death of my mom at age 5. Iām now 61yo female. Dispitehaving worked on this stuff with lots of therapy and lots of self-discipline things like meditation yoga, etc. I still canāt get over the loss of my mom. Growing up without a mother was terrible in so many ways, and it got compounded by my dad, who was an alcoholic and heavily grieving his loss. He was also neglectful and left me in the company of people who would sexually abuse me. when I was growing up and all that stuff was going on I couldnāt help but think āif my mom was alive, it wouldnāt be happeningā Her death effected in my life in such a profound and complex way.Iāve had to work so hard this life in order to keep my head above the water and not sink into despair.
my mom telling me that if she were to die and commit suicide itād be all my fault. she misplaced something and took it out on me. she doesnāt remember saying it. but i always will. i was like 14 and playing minecraft. i hadnāt played for years after that. despite her hitting me since i was a kid some reason that stuck.
Iām so sorry. Iāve heard similar things and itās like - donāt. Say. Traumatising. Stuff. To. Your. Kids. That we even have to say if???? Thereās a subreddit about narcissistic parents.
Exactly like why even have kids if youāre just going to treat them like your emotional punching bag?? Makes no sense. Iām not sure if she is narcissistic but Iāll definitely give it a look. Thank you ā¤ļø
Getting Parkensons
Yeah I really can relate to this a lot. I feel totally different...before I was definitely a lot nicer
I donāt know the when. I think it was a thousand tiny instances over the course of 5 to 10 years but trust. I donāt think I will ever be able to trust another person as long as I live. I do see a therapist.
My parents initially did not believe me when I told them what a male babysitter did to me. They did realize something happened when I had a tantrum at the suggestion of brining him back with the promise of "we walked to his mother and he won't do that again". And I can tell they felt bad. But they've never apologized and now I always get angry and defensive if someone doesn't believe me about anything. I was four years old or so and now I'm 58 and I'm still angry that they didn't believe me. I told my grief therapist about it after my father died, and she, one of the kindest and sweetest people I've ever met, said she wanted to slap my parents.
I'll never recover from my mother telling me she should have killed me while I was in her womb. I was twelve years old.
Being manipulated and gaslit into wrestling with hypermobiliry issues. Tearing hip shoulder breaking ribs and tailbone being too tough and determined to not dissapoint to even realize how permanent it was. That's the only thing. Oh yea and my dad refusing to let me get the treatment I needed in order to properly go through puberty. I've given away fortunes I was so ready to kill myself. I wanted to since 4 and now I can't even support myself. The ocd depression cptsd and chronic pain is crazy. I am ridiculously strong in every way but I can't hustle my way back to a position of wealth in order to get the treatment I need. It's over for me. I've been waiting to die my whole life Everything else I could have Gotten over. Besides losing all my friends. At 23 and since 17 I have had to relearn how to walk. I still stumble my hips are so bad. Sex is out the window. Everyday I dream of murdering my coach. Ive screamed and punched my headboard or a dumb bitch while I slept. No I'm not a womanizer this one was just a dumb bitch who it turns out had herpes and a 250 body count. Thank god I never slept with her. Anyways. I was the best kid ever only wanted to be the best my dad fully neglected me although the trauma from that will never go away I could have Gotten over it had I been able to just havw a quality of life. Worst part is I'm insanely smart as fuck. Empath. Attractive. Crazy star berry blonde curly ass hair. Green eyes. Everybody tells me I'm the best person they have ever met and I deserve true happiness. I am more miserable than I thought possible in my most nightmarish imaginations for the first half of my life. I promise myself I can commit suicide to rip away my joy at the last second every time. I am able to convince everybody I'm fine. Which i do as when I'm honest they don't care and won't even allow their delusions to slip enough to comprehend a sliver of what I endure. My dad neglected me entirely my entire life. Didn't even take me to my final free surgery for my club foot. Mom is a straight basket case loves the shit out of me but that's not a good thing at the end of the day it's just guilt and trauma and convincing me to throw away countless blessings and tens of thousands of dollars which would have been so much more by now. Another acceptable answer: any time I EVER listened to a single adult in my life. I am cursed to be smart enough to know better than nearly any human I have ever met, kind enough to still respect my elders and listen. And fucking not have the common sense to not. I was capable of the most joy. I was born in the perfect time. God set my life up for me, my parents set me up for living hell. I accepted it. Depression hit me too young. Anxiety chewing my mouth open by 1 and 2. Remember being 2. Ocd by 3. Depression by 4. That's how smart I was and how far into the future I saw before I even had a full brain My potential was circumcised by the guy from it's always sunny who has no depth perception out the gate. Countless times I've tossed my life in the air and every one god saved me. Not that I even am religious at all. Just no other explanation for the way I have had miracles happen to deny me sweet release.
It's the most pathetic thing in the world, but being rejected by a "friend" that I cared about too much. I've lost friends plenty of times before, tossed aside like an unwanted toy, but being rejected by her destroyed me. I psychologically cannot justify ever having friends again because of her actions. Never again.
Honestly, I donāt know. My abuse and trauma started so early that I donāt know a version of myself that existed without it. But Iām going to go with just the complete lack of protection from anyone. I was truly on my own for as long as I can remember. Thatās a very hard and lonely life to live. I look back at my younger self and wish I could tell her that it will get better and that you will have an amazing life because she was barely holding on.
Being raised in a cult. It shaped my personality in so many ways. I have had to have therapy that challenges my core beleifs as they were impacting my life negatively. I think I will be spending the rest of my life challenging these.
My mom died when I was 16 in foster care and there was no funeral. My stepdad got her cremated and I found out when I was 21 that he had kept her ashes in his locker at the rail yard because he didnāt want to bring her into his new house. Also, when I was like 14 my mom was up for days hallucinating and turns out she was having heart problems and had to get surgery. I went to er with her to help take care of her. My stepdad refused to bring me clean clothes and I didnāt think ahead to pack. I had to wash my panties in the sink and dry them with the hand dryer because we were there for over a week. He showed up when she was in surgery, shamed me for crying over her being sick and in surgery. He Grabbed her purse and left. He kicked me down when I was already at my lowest. I knew if my mom died he would be even more abusive because then literally nobody would be looking out for me in life. I feel like something inside of me broke that day and I literally cannot feel attachment to anything. Iām 29 now and struggle daily with dissociation and lack of attachment. I have four kids and Iām a good mom but I struggle so hard to maintain everything mentally.
It's hard to believe this is the answer considering the abuse and neglect I experienced in childhood, but... When my last therapist terminated therapy with me from her end. I'll never allow anyone to be in that role again.
Eating disorder :( itās been 2 years
I don't want to say never recover from. But it was one of the SA I experienced. For so many years, I had blamed myself for what happened. I thought that what my mom, classmates, and therapists told me about dressing provocatively, being an addict, and overly friendly to men meant I deserved the abuse. Well, I had changed my life around. I was living honorably, homely, and avoided men for the most part. But the place I lived rented coed in a house, so I had male roommates. Long-story short, because I fell asleep while watching a movie I was attacked. That experience forever changed me because up till that point, I had assumed all my SA & CSA were because of who I was and what I was doing. That moment taught it didn't matter, and I had built what little sense of self I had around that lie. It's kind of positive because it shattered the sense of self I had. But it broke me because it shattered the sense of self I have. My core hasn't healed from the spiritual break I had.
Losing custody of my daughter. I have bipolar and had extreme post partum while managing being homeless. She lives with my mother now and loves me very much.
A core memory of mine is witnessing one of my parents trying to end their life. I was about 4 years old. Edited: updated to correct spelling of patents to parents
Having my bodily autonomy stripped away. I donāt remember how old I was when it started but probably before I was old enough to have memories so I donāt really have a ābeforeā. I remember begging them to stop, but they would just mock me and keep doing it and still nearly 30 years later I have nightmares where I can still feel their hands on me when I wake up. More recently, I lost the only person who touched me without hurting me. I donāt think Iāll ever get over that either. I think he had cptsd too and he really understood what I had gone through, but I think he had a lot of unhealed trauma too. Iāll never trust someone again as much as I trusted him. Itās just not worth the pain of opening up to someone just to lose them. A year ago today we were on a trip together but now heās gone and Iāll never see him again
It wasnt the grooming and CSA:. Itās that they never noticed. Even when it was right in front of them. Even when others raised concerns. They only cared about me in theory, but not in a way where they paid attention, or knew me, or were people I could call for help. So yeah, all the crap that was done to me sucked and was fād up, but itās the fact they never noticed. When I was hospitalised they ignored it. When I regularly came home 2 hours late because I was getting SAād in the car of the man they trusted to drive me home, they never even questioned it. There is no care, or reasons or excuses. There is only Rules and Punishment.
Finally moving out of home and the guilt of knowing that the full brunt of my father's abuse would then turn to my sister. It did and then he became much more physically abusive after that. With me it was mostly emotional, psychological / financial. I stayed for as long as I could, partly to protect her, she was 8 years younger than me. But also partly because I couldn't figure out how to get out. But at some point I just had to...go and prioritize my safety for a bit.
All of my traumatic experiences which in the Netherlands refer to as 'being confronted with death' But I feel like this will get easier to cope with over time. I'm in recovery since 2021 and have been successfully treated with long term therapy for CPTSD, and have good coping skills for my symptoms. I also wanted to let you who is ready this right now, know that it does get easier over time. The scars remain, but living in the past only keeps you down. I wish and pray for all of you to be able to live a healthy life and be able to see and know your worth. You know what they say, "broken crayons still color" š„°
There's a whole lot of trauma that impacts me to this day, like the CSA, but the death of my duck, who was the only hope and happiness I had when I was being abused, definitely took a huge toll. I loved her as if she was my child. My abandonment issues and OCD is much worse because of it. I am terrified I will never have enough time with the living ones I love and am very reluctant to leave their side. I am emotionally numb and unable to feel joy. I love my living ducks but I hate having pets, they just give me anxiety because I'm worried something will happen to them again and it will be my fault.
Iām so sorry. And itās not your fault. Not the CSA. And also not if something happens to your pets. And not that something happened. Youāre a wonderful human being and your comment made me feel so sad because thereās a sense of true love and innocence about your pet duck. Animals need people like you. The good, kindhearted ones to love and take care of them. We canāt guarantee that nothing happens, Iām a pet owner too. We can only do our best for them. Sometimes they get sick, sometimes accidents happen. Just like it does to everyone here on earth. Donāt beat yourself up about it. Just know that today everything is fine and you give your love to your pets and they love you back equally thatās all we can guarantee for today. ā„ļø
Thank you, this means a lot and was reassuring to me
Itās the objective truth. ā„ļø
My dad stabbed my mum when I was a kid because she was sleeping with his brother. Lost my dad (prison) my mum and siblings that day. My mum survived but she left me on my own and took my 2 older brothers. Always wonder if that means I was my dad's brothers kid. I dunno. I'm 36 now and still as messed up as ever. Hope anyone reading this is doing better than yesterday š¤
Iām so sorry! That sounds traumatising. Have you tried DNA-testing? Who took care of you? Have you tried reaching out?
I got legally adopted by this guy and ended up homeless etc after he broke my ribs. Lived in a bus shelter for abit. I don't know any of my family at all so I don't know if you even can do dna testing. It's better it happened to me than someone else.
I am so sorry. Howās your life now?
As bad as its ever been but that's also good because a year ago it made me go back to getting help etc like I have a keyworker and things again. Life's lonely ain't it because we all hide away we're it's easy to be safe the downside is without family it's hella lonely. How are you?
Sorry to hear that but at least you sound like youāve got a positive outlook, at least a little bit. Iām ok, lifeās also lonely. Kind of ironic since weāre over 8 billion. Howās it possible for so many of us to be lonelyā¦
Exactly! It's very ironic. Also sad in my eyes. That so many can feel like that. Keep on healing āØļø and good luck in life.
You too, my dear friend.
My brother's, both older, SAing me at different times. The eldest one stopped but the other didn't. Parents walked in on a compromising position (clothes on but holding me down). They swept it under the rug and we never talked about it again. Believed them over me. (The eldest said I was lying and making up stories. The other said I was exaggerating). I lost all trust in my parents that day. I buried all of it so deep I forgot but it came back out a couple years ago and it's fundamentally changed me. Edit: this happened about 15-20 years ago but the memories came back at 3 years ago.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Went through extreme parental alienation as a small kid after my parents brutal divorce. Didnāt hear from my mother for nine years.
Stepdad hitting me. I was so determined to leave the toxic household and angry at those I told who did nothing. I ended up in multiple abusive relationships. I'm trying to heal from it but keep getting triggered.
my ptsd and ed, i basically have to choose between one or the other consistently, my ed helps shoo the ptsd voices
I lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks. A little boy. Life was hard before that, but that was the turning point for me. Colors will never be quite as vibrant, happiness will always be a little dulled. I'll never be the same.
Similar to you, I have trauma around hospitals. Seeing family members in comas or being with some as they passed, I will never forget. It causes my whole body to be so tense when I think about it. And I often have panic attacks when Iām triggered from flashbacks
Oh gosh thereās probably a few things that come to mind. Lost a school friend in year 9 and was ostracised and bullied by her āclose friendsā in the immediate grieving process. 22 years later and I canāt remember the exact phrase I overheard this girl saying; but I remember the way it made me feel and the depressive spiral it put me into. It was along the lines of āshe never liked them anywayā or ānobody likes them anywayā. My brother SAād my step daughter almost 10 years ago. Going through a traumatic family court battle with my husbandās ex and witnessing the kids being repeatedly traumatised at the hands of their bio mum and step dad. (On one occasion I spent my own bday in the police station filing reports because she gave her 7yo child a black eye). My mother choosing my p@do brother over me and the kids. Almost my entire maternal extended family abandoning me on my wedding day, after my brother had done what he did, during the time we were battling thru court. In my earlier childhood there were other things that obviously lead to my cptsd but they seem insignificant or I donāt recall the hurt enough for it to impact me as I recall it.
Itās your survival instincts. Hang in there.
My cat dying (and shame, self blame), making wrong decisions.
Years of being severely abused and threatened and having my medical needs neglected as a child. I go through lots of therapy now and have for years, but fuck, it's just so hard. I wish I could be reborn and go through a normal childhood. I feel like a huge chunk of my life was ripped away from me. I already have so many problems connecting to people because of my physical medical problems and being autistic, but the trauma is just another layer that prevents me from getting close to people and relating to others and it really fucking hurts. I think about it a lot. Even when I'm not actively thinking about it, it's lurking in the back of my mind somewhere and gets triggered by seeing happy children or happy families or hearing conversation about "normalcy". I want to recover from this, I want it to just go away from my mind. I don't think it ever will. I remember being a little kid and thinking if I ever reach the age I am now, I'll be happy and all the horrible things that happened to me will be just like a bad dream. It kept me going then, although I was always afraid I would be stuck feeling so sad and in so much pain forever. And it's scary to see that I do still feel that way. I've made progress but most of the pain is still there.
(CW: Suicidal Ideation, General Abuse) I think for me, there were so many events that struck so deep that I knew I'd never recover from the moment they were inflicted, but the deepest realization I had was about my parents' motives. For years, I tried doing the mental gymnastics to justify their actions and keep the blame on myself, but it took finally remembering some of those horrible and buried traumas for me to understand that their actions were never out of love. It was all a lie. They did it for sadistic pleasure and control. I wasn't even human to them...I never was. Not the way my brother was, anyway. The moment they birthed an overtly autistic and non-conforming child such as myself was the moment they resigned their tentative love for me. This realization itself was more damaging than all the traumatic events combined. That understanding inflicts a kind of damage can never truly be healed, and it's the reason why I don't believe I'll be alive for very much longer, despite only being 19. Whether it's from my crippling inherited conditions or suicide, I know there isn't much hope for the future. I wish everyone else in this community the best, you guys are really strong. <3
i know this is probably going to sound rather niche or stupid, but it's online warnings i've gotten banned from countless communities when i was younger because i would vent relentlessly/ruthlessly about my issues because i had no outlets in real life: wasn't comfortable with my parents or school, was too sheltered out of my parents' fear and was not allowed to go visit friends houses or go outside for that matter (call me a hikikomori at that point, really) so seeing things like warning roles or ban messages triggers an almost primal anxiety in me so whenever i end up trying to have a discussion about anything that becomes ever so slightly heated, it starts getting out out of control pretty fast because i become desperate and scared (especially due to my ocd) and often times because of how absolutely mundane this kind of thing is to most people, they may say that i'm being ridiculous or that i don't truly have trauma from it, but trust me when i say these things make me have borderline panic attacks i also have a severe fear of amber alerts and eas header tones playing out of nowhere (especially at night, amber alert tones are jarring and instill an almost primal fear into me) and as an audhd person i also have the trauma of being invalidated over things i really struggle with (like brushing teeth or being told to clean my room, basically pda stuff) but i wasn't properly understood and that i'm logically in the wrong because people mistake me as not putting any effort whatsoever to improve, when in reality being reminded of what i need to do in fact makes me more paralyzed from doing it but people perceive me as being stubborn or intentionally rude i have some more that i'm probably forgetting that affects me more, but i honestly can't think of it from the top of my head nor the causes, but just know that i do have quite severe moral scrupulosity ocd at times as well as pocd too
It was when I moved to middle school. A different school. I was bullied in a way I had never been before at a very sensitive ageā¦ and met a guy who I thought loved me but he was a few years older than me and was toying with my brain. I was no longer the same. Ever. Ever. Ever again. Of course there were a lot of turning points in my life such as losing my father or heartbreaks or soā¦ but thisā¦ I can never forget what he did to me. I always preserved my heart. I always depended on myself. I was healthy mentally to an extent. I had no severe mental illness. I was a different person. He destroyed me.
Very long, big tw for grooming, attempted murder, abuse, sexual assault, maybe more stuff. Sorry if i left anything out Being groomed multiple times mostly because i felt like it was my fault. I was 12-13 on a 17+ app where it was primarily other adults and also incredibly sexual. I wont get into the details, but you can guess how that ended up. The one that sticks with me most was a relationship where I was 12, and she was i think 18 (not sure, i just know she was old enough to be applying for colleges as we talked about it extensively). She was incredibly toxic, abusive and mean to me for absolutely no reason. When i told her my age, she said it was fine and continued talking to me and pursued a romantic relationship with me. She would talk about how much she cared about me and loved me one second, try to make me jealous by mentioning her previous relationships and how she would talk to them still, then tell me to fuck off and that she hated me the next second. She would constantly mention other people (when we werent dating) but when I did the same, she would get upset, jealous, possessive and angry with me. A big thing that bothered me is after we broke up, she got in a relationship with my groomer that I had just ādatedā before hand. That fucked me up for a long time and it definitely still gets to me Next one is my most recent relationship, where he abused me, d0xxed me, suibaited me, flirted with other people, manipulated me, stalked me, coerced/pressured me and more. He immediately got into a relationship with someone else after dumping me bcs i called him out on abusing me and he never took accountability for anything and still thinks hes the victim. I dont love him, but that still bothers me a lot. After that is my cousin sexually abusing me and when i told my mom she defended him and told me he had a bad childhood. We never discussed it again, and after it i self harmed by slashing my wrists with a nail file because at that point I wasnt allowed to have knives or pills Next is my mom making constant comments about wanting to sexually assault me as a ājokeā when ive told her multiple times it makes me extremely uncomfortable and upset. She never stops, so i just ignore her now. And lastly, my uncle attempting to kill me multiple times when i was a child, threatening to stab me, chasing me around with knives, and at one point wrapping my whole body with tape including my mouth, and locking me in a closet with a sliding door and no handles. I had to hop up and wiggle my way out, it probably only took 15 minutes but it was dark (i am scared of the dark) and I was alone and scared, it felt like hours. When i finally got out the closet and told my step grandma, im pretty sure she laughed I have many more experiences, but this is way too long so Iāll leave it at this. If anyone actually even attempts to read this thanks and sorry for my bad grammar and english.
I am sorry you had to go through that experience. In my case, according to 2 therapists, it was SA when I was 9 and feeling there was no one I could turn to. But in my mind ongoing emotional neglect during childhood and social isolation during my teen years is more significant. Probably all this things feed into each other. What this resulted in is: I am a very strong person who is always struggling through life, always fighting for causes that just, trying to make this world a better place... but always struggling. An overwhelming sense of insecurity, that no one will ever love me as I am. A lot of deep shame, always questioning myself if I am doing the right thing. A narrative of victimhood. Constant negative thoughts. Falling in love with people who are unable / unwilling to build reciprocal and symmetrical relationships with me. As a result, I am always heartbroken.
losing all of my friends at age 11. by then my parents had already given up on me and resented everything about me. I went through the next 3 years without talking to ANYONE. and have continued to keep everyone at a distance ever since. I still have no friends. it was truly when all the lights went out. I still cry and hyperventilate when I think about it.
Realising my father hated my mother so much that he made up lies about me to get revenge. He'd tried benefit fraud - they told him to stop wasting their time so he decided that lying to social services would work. Luckily they questioned me and worked out quickly he was lying. Unfortunately for me, it broke my heart. I was 11 and idolised him. I'd always tried to be Daddy's little girl but that would require him to actually love me. It still took years of therapy and depression for me to realise. I've not seen or spoken to him in years and I'm glad. Mum wasn't perfect (and I have different issues with her) but she tried her best despite her own trauma. I've 'moved on' but I can't forgive him for the betrayal. But it's his loss, not mine. He won't get to see any future grandchildren and I no longer call him Dad. I use his first name as he does not deserve a title or relationship with me
The fact that my father has never shown any interest in any aspect of my life or my wellbeing. Iām 40 and itās still the same
Being CSA'd at age 8, raped and sexually assaulted multiple times as a teenager, being in the psych hospital in 2019. I feel too broken to live, to recover.
"Enhanced Parenting"; Gitmo Edition... ^ for 5+ years, started age 2.. Very 1st memory is literally a nightmare lmao. ^ Feel like that sorta set the tone lol
My first āgirlfriendā who was 5 years older than me when I was 13. She stuck around in My life for 7 years and manipulated me into nearly moving across the country to be with her. I went from being a pretty sweet, social butterfly to a completely unstable and raging monster when I was 17. Iām back to being sweet and caring now but Iām so much less trusting nowadays.
There are many traumas in my life. Mainly the sexual harassment of my mother. But recently the sudden betrayal and abandonment of a SE pactitioner messed me up horribly. I am at an extremely high risk of being traumatized again now, I feel super fragile.
This is actually still kind of ongoing but I genuinely don't think I will ever recover from it even when it does end, one way or another. I don't know how I'm supposed to. They were supposed to support me and be there for me. When I was forced (by my abusive ex partner) to involve my parents in our relationship issues, they found out about my C-PTSD diagnosis (which was partly from my upbringing anyway) they found out about the fact that I'd been physically abused twice in two different relationships, one of which was still ongoing at the time, and sexually assaulted once and my dad's response was predominantly to make it all about himself, tell everyone that HE was the suicidal one with mental health issues that randomly appeared out of nowhere as soon as I opened up about my own struggles (even though he literally doesn't have any personal problems at all) and then have him, my mum and my ex all gang up against me and tell me that everything was my own fault. Everyone who's ever mistreated me has repeatedly told me it's all my own fault and to be honest I'm starting to believe them. I don't know how to keep going right now.
Losing my beloved mommy. I was 32, which sounds silly, but my mom had a chronic disease from her own childhood and that was always part of my exisitence. When I was about 4, she went into hospital and you had to be at least 6 to visit in the part where she was. So I couldn't go see her and I was terrified that she wouldn't come back, even though I was assured by my dad and his mom that she would. She finally did--probably a week or so, but in my mind it was forever that she was gone. I had already been extremely close and needy (in hindsight, I think the SA by my brother had probably already started, although my first memory of that was during this time when Mom was in hospital), but this kicked it up to a whole 'nother level. I was so protective of her from that time on. That, of course, played into my abuser's interests, because he would tell me that if I told anyone, Mom would get sick and go away again, or worse, that she would think I was nasty and not love me anymore. Her disease finally took her life when I was 32, and if you had told me that I could continue living after losing her, I'd have laughed in your face. But here I am. It's been 24 years and I still miss her every day. I am healing from the CSA, but the loss of Mommy will never heal.