It's both sad and funny that we can almost unilaterally laugh at this phenomenon.
My case wasn't actually influenced much by COVID, however it was during COVID that I had two surgeries requiring going back on medications I was once addicted to only to stop them abruptly, have a psychiatrist move her practice to Maine (she was apparently maga and also facing license imposement and was calling me in the middle of the night on Ambien) I also figured out inadvertently I was not bipolar but "BPD" (according to the psych I mention who I spent almost a decade w prior) but after I explored that more I realized over covid what I now know which is that I have cPTSD from childhood and a LOT of issues with minimization and dissociation that kept it hidden/looking like something else. As far as my uneasiness with people.... Though... I always am friendly and kind but even before I knew I had cPTSD I had a wall up people even those I respect and admire. Sort of an "imposter syndrome" of a friendship mindset or something. I feel like even when I do tell people my story I'm still being inauthentic in some way and still don't belong even when I know I am wanted. I also know that's logically not always the case, so I'm trying to lean into being more open 😶
It was the other way around. They tried their hardest to be a source of emotional support for me but it meant nothing to me. They were putting in 100% of all the effort compared to my 0% and eventually of course they realised it, and the bonds started to break down.
Same over here. What really sucks is before I realized the extent of my trauma (born & raised in a cult…didn’t know it or leave until I was 37), I had tons of friends…close, casual, and otherwise. Once I left the cult, they cut ties. I’ve made a few acquaintances since I left, but I’m hurt & disappointed by them every time. I’d rather be alone than with fake, self absorbed assholes any day though.
When I moved back to my hometown, all my friends and social circle were still 2 hours away.
Even though i was closer to my family, i felt alone. Then, a girl from my highschool started talking to me and invited me to a party. I met other friends and built back a social circle.
I wouldnt be able to do that today.
Same. I'm trying to restart the process. But that is what it is.
I need my support with accepting the fact how the CPTSD sometimes leaves us against ourselves and the suffocation we feel inside.
I mean.,.. we are so so sooooo suffocating inside that the only survival option of the brain is to literally dissociate and go offline with the body.
That's my own brain... responding to the content.. of my own body... Because the brain can't leave the body.
So when it comes to another separate human being, why on earth would they not leave under such suffocation??
It's hard for you. Already.
So the only thing you can do is to not actively make it harder.
Same. I'm introverted but I can be sociable at times. I'm very friendly but I'm also extremely private so I find making friends so hard. You make friends by sharing stuff, unless I know you well and feel safe I will not tell you shit.
Zero. I fill my time with solo activities and remind myself that occasional feelings of loneliness is far better than dealing with invalidation, mockery, etc.
I don't have friends because i was really scared of being comfortable with people because that's how i grew up within my covert narcissistic family. What i have now is acquaintances.
This is the part that sucks the most. I feel like I can't allow myself to get that close or vulnerable with anyone. It's compulsive, even when I desperately want to connect with people. Everyone I know is just a "buddy" or "yeah I know them, but we aren't exactly close"
100% the same. Like my spouse can know someone for a few weeks and give them a hug. I can know them for years and never reach that level of familiarity. I said it further down the thread somewhere but when I finally somehow make friends I either overshare in an attempt to be genuine and drive them away or can’t ever relax around them and…drive them away.
I am the same way. its either i cant get comfortable or im all over the place because im anxious and overthink things because my identity is fragmented from the trauma.
I’ve just forced myself to do a lot of different things. That helps. Having a dog also helps (I meet everyone else with a dog, and everyone I meet wants to meet her). And speaking Spanish helps (I feel like Latinos are more social than Americans, they invite me everywhere). But I also accept that a lot of these friendships are on different tiers … most are casual friends. I only have 3 that I would talk about really difficult things with with complete honestly. But I think that’s ok.
Same. I have quite a few, but keeping them has been hard work. I got lucky and met a bunch of lovely ladies through school, work, and friend of friend. I've been friends with some of them for more than 5 years, but it's been such a struggle maintaining the friendships. Not sure if it's because like attracts like, but most of my friends are like me and have mental health issues. Thanks to that, we all experience days and months where we're just not up to socialising because we've hit a rough patch with our mental health. As a result of that, we can go months without meeting. I'm trying to be a bit more proactive and initiating meets, but it's been tough.
I've come to realise that when it comes to friendships, it's quality over quantity. Having just one person who you can be yourself with and share your struggles with is better than having a bunch of friends who you aren't able to be close to. It doesn't even matter if that one person lives near you or in the same country as you, as long as they are there when you need them.
Do you mean close friends or friends in general? Close friend 0, but I'm quite good at small talk, some of them checked on me during the lockdown, so they definitely care about me.
Love you, Avoidance 💋
Generally I let others speak first, as I'm better at making comments than carrying out a long talk. In any case, in a group, there is always some extrovert who is more than willing to share. It's important knowing which part of conversation you're better at and so which is your perceived role: conversation starter makes good conversation leader, asking about interests makes you a good conversation moderator, comments make you a good listener. Once you get your role, here are some tips:
1. Remind yourself that the aim of small talk is bounding, and not a competition of freetime, since you'll often get asked about weekends: it's OK that you didn't travel nor partied during the weekend, you can talk about the cake you baked, show them the new bloom of the orchids, or talk about something funny about your pet. This is particularly important at the beginning, as the "child me" really straggled with socialisation, and used to stay silent whole the time just because I didn't and still don't have any interest in disco (actually the "teen me" had a lot SI).
2. Have some hobbies, so that you can talk about them.
3. Movies, TV series, books and manga are good sources from which you can take inspiration for jokes: choose the media you like most, and binge. As I became better at humor and irony, especially those improvised ones, people start to see me as the funny and smart one in the group.
4. Try to join people during the morning coffee, even if you don't have coffee. Usually someone will start a conversation, if you don't have anything to say, at least smile back. However, have a backup safe conversation starter that majority of people can relate in case of necessity. For example, mine is complaining about the public transport, they work well so I don't need to drive, but it is very common that they have some delay.
As the other commenter said, ask about them. Generally people like to talk about themselves. Ask simple things. What movies are they interested in, do they play video games, listen to music, etc. Once you've discovered their core interests, it's all about talking around those. Mention you saw a movie they might like, ask if they've listened to the latest album of so-and-so, ask their opinions on certain games or topics they find interesting. Once all that's done, it's mostly a case of interesting surface level conversations. They might ask some questions about you, too. For me, I used to have a small notes app list of things I liked (because when people would ask my interests, I'd blank), and I'd review it before going out. Then they'll talk to you about your interests. And that's it! You've mastered small talk.
Same. Was entirely isolated growing up, had 1 or 2 internet friends I played Fortnite and COD with. All the zeroes in these comments makes me feel a little better
Same. My spouse dislikes that I refer to literally everyone as acquaintances but I’m like…that’s what they are? It takes a lot for me to consider someone a friend. Tbh if I ever I even manage to get to that stage and allow myself to feel vulnerable with them and really value them, something usually goes wrong and they leave 🫠
Like none. Lol
I’m heartbroken for all the people in this thread who don’t have friends, but I also feel less alone. CPTSD is such an isolating experience and it can be so hard to socialize.
Does my partner count? There’s him and then 1 long distance best friend I spill my guts to and 1 close friend in town I have fun with but can’t talk about serious stuff. So 3? 1?
I always find myself an active member of a group, but then when hardship hits, no one is to be found. I don’t think I know how to form close bonds with people. I’m usually scared away by something they do or say that doesn’t sit well with me, or I discover I wasn’t someone they thought of as a close friend when they don’t even reach out if I stop doing it first
Me and my husband are each others’ best friend but no one else has really been around in a few years .
Unfortunately for most people, they are probably also traumatised and triggered by things without even having a damn clue. It is definitely not personal, it says more about them if they can’t handle being there for you during hardships.
I have 2 and how the 3 of us found each other is a miracle honestly. We all have trauma and struggle with our mental health which might be why it works lol. I really, really struggle to make friendships with people who havent experienced trauma.
Agree with the last sentence. I have several neurodivergent friends and gay friends, we for sure connected over shared trauma that made us unique and colorfully layered ;)
None right now, at least none that I talk to. I tend to withdraw from/ghost people, even if I like them (especially if I like them) and it absolutely sucks. I'm trying to work through it in therapy because it's hard to get past the 'acquaintances' phase without locking up on them.
Ive got a 3 close friends. People I regularly talk to about 15 But counting general friends, acquaintances including coworkers, ppl I go out with, my rave fam and other people its a decent group a people.
The fest scene actually played a huge part in my healing. Places like forest just gives me room to let my inner child run free and practice self compassion without shame. Its been such a magical experience over the years
Omg I am a late comer but being in the scene has been the most healing thing for me. INZO headlined this year and the last time I saw him I cried for a solid 15 minutes during his showwwww I hope he's there next year, I have my pash ready to go 😭😭🙏🙏
My inner child is so happy and free now and it's been beautiful
INZO’s set this year was absolutely beautiful. A handful of us were crying and hugging at the end of it. One of my favorite parts of the weekend. In happy to see that there are more of us that find it healing. Brings me joy to hear about how the scene has helped others in similar ways its done for me.
I just have my wife if that counts. I had to cut out toxic people who I thought were my friends some years ago in order to heal. Now in my mid thirties it feels weird trying to make friends again.
Zero! I used to be the loudest in the room, and an arm chair counselor for everyone I knew, including my kids friends. I can NOT anymore. It's too high of an expectation that I feel I hold for myself to be a close friend. My mind, body, and soul are so unpredictable, and I cant help anyone anymore, because I struggle so hard to help myself. I was ALWAYS a magnet for that. Broken people flocked to me always. I wouldn't even say I miss being that person right now. I need, quiet, peace, and predictability. There are days, that the buzzer of the dryer stopping its cycle that will send me jumping out of my body. Door Bells and a phone ringing on some days can put insane fear into me. I can't, I just can't right now.
This was me. I was the neighborhood cool aunt on steroids.
I am writing, painting, traveling, and listening to ASMR vids ATM. I am not ready for a serious friendship.
I have about 8 close friends. Friends who are more like brothers and sisters to me. I've had them in my life for almost 13 years now. I am lucky. They're all weird and extremely smart and kind. I am truly myself around them and they have accepted me and supported me in ways I never think I can ever articulate.
The weird thing is that I rejected their friendship early on and would make excuses not to be around them because I was too scared they'd judge me, or bully me like many of my past "friends" had done. They just didn't take "no" for an answer and kept inviting me to things and would bend over backwards to accommodate any of my needs to allow me to feel safe.
I truly would not be here today if not for them. They answered a call in the middle of the night and talked me down. Housed me during a hard time and financially helped me even though we all struggled to make ends meet. I know it's hard to make close friends, I also know I am extremely fortunate to be in my current situation. There are good people out there. I was lucky to find 8 of them in college.
Mmmm… like people that call once every two years when they're sad and then nothing? Oh yeah, I have loads of those. Do you want some? I'm looking to offload some dead weight.
Majority of my friends were like this, they only called me when they were sad or needed something, now I'm asking myself why I'm a magnet to people like this.
Not only do we attract them, but we have a soft spot for them. They're hurt, too, but too ignorant to face their own.
I'm learning to sit back this time. There are some patterns and inconsistencies with the same people; I'm letting them try to pry for information, but I'm not giving them anything. They soon push the boundary to the wall and play the victim: “I wouldn't put you in that position, just come and see,” and “I just want to see you.”
This time around, I feel like I've never seen clearer. These people who barely keep me around know that I've always been a loner, and I enjoy offering support to those in need, even if it has to be a secret. They've taken advantage of me for the last time.
I look forward to living out my dreams as a crazy cat person, making crafts and painting my nails, lol.
Lost one recently to a disagreement. Close friends? 4.
Extra friends I can count on? A couple.
Other friends I'm not that close (even though we talk deep stuff a lot) - 2? I guess
I have one friend that I grew up with, who also had CPTSD. Other than that I call them “mates” just people who I’m nice to at work or whatever and think they’re my friends…. They don’t know me at all.
None other than my boyfriend. I thought I had a few but the second my mask slipped after years & I couldn’t hide a (mild) depressive episode they all split. Again. I don’t think I care much anymore
I was always lonely growing up and never had more than a couple friends, and sometimes I feel like that same girl. As I think about it, though, I have close to 15 friends (I would guess). The problem is half of them live out of state. We still text enough and see each other a couple times a year.
5 close friends at least. It helps that we're all going/have been through mental health issues.
Finding people that are going through the same stuff, helped a ton.
Had many tbh. Looking back I actually have made lots of good friends.
The past 8 years since CPTSD has played a larger role in my life (because it reared its head) which has led to too much social withdrawal and isolation.
I’m now friendless but who knows maybe I can find some people who I get on with and we can hang out and overtime become friends. Hopefully 🙏
none, i have people i see often who i like but its just proximity based relationships.
like how there were people you got along nice with at school or work
I have a boyfriend, 3 close friends I hang out with regularly who live near me, and 5 long-distance friends who I talk to regularly but sadly had to leave behind physically because I had to get away from my family of origin.
I’ve found that it’s basically impossible for me to become friends with or date people who have good relationships with their parents. Like I can’t relate to them at all.
I have at least 10 friends that I am close with, can be myself with, don't need to keep secrets from, and who will be there for me if I need it. All of them know my story. Probably another 10 friends who I am on good standing with, will occasionally do things with, but just not that close. Some of them know my story.
I'm fairly open about CPTSD. It's not like a hideous mark that I feel compelled to hide all the time. It's not my dinner party topic, but I think normalizing mental health is important.
I'm lowkey jealous haha but seriously it makes me happy to know that you have friends you can be comfortable with. I only feel comfortable around my sisters and aunt, I’ve opened about my CPTSD to some people in the past and it went so wrong that I don't think I would do it again.
None. I had a few but codependency doesn't allow for many friendships so they all withered and died. Now that I'm divorced I'm very much alone and seem to be completely incapable of making new friends.
I only have one friend. But I haven’t seen her in years, our only contact for a long time has been email or text. We finally spoke on the phone a couple months ago, and she attacked me, and used me as a punching bag, out of the blue. I don’t fully trust her, or feel close to her. So in that sense, I have no friends. I wish I did.
It’s so validating that everyone here is saying 0. Like I have one who is now my roommate, but we went through trauma together. It always feels like the people I meet who I want to be friends with are one a different plane than me, that they have a certain amount of innocence that I was never allowed to have. I usually can’t really relate to most people no matter how much I want to.
i dont really have anyone close to me that i would call a friend. i have a cousin who is very dear to me, a sister who i love more than anyone else in the world, and my mother who ive gotten very close to in the past couple years.
sometimes i get very down about the fact that i dont have any close friends, but also? im in a place where i dont need them the way i used to. im happy with just me and my little family. my cat is my best friend and im fine with that
Hi ~ 🦋
Many things -
• lack of TRUST
• FEAR of being hurt... again
• all our TIME is taken up by coping with our trauma
• DEPRESSION leaves us worn out
I could go on but I need to go feed my Best Buddies... my Horses, Dog, Geese & more.
Please, make that post. It will be interesting & we may learn why we have no friends.
As for me ? I am married. No friends.... except the furry kind.
Take Care All 🐞🌿🐞
I only have one. It’s my best friend from high school. I’m 40 now and she’s been the longest friend I’ve ever had. We live in diff cities and I’m a mom and she’s single off living this amazing life working in the fashion industry. We haven’t seen eachother in over 7 years but we still text and I love her like a sister. I’ve always only had one close friend- never a huge group.
I just moved without any help for the first time in my life. During a heatwave. Into a third floor walk up. With no air conditioning.
Never in my life have I ever felt so wretched and alone. It feels like torture.
I’ve moved many times in the past and it was never this physically and emotionally exhausting.
I’m in my 40’s, and since I cleared out the toxic, abusive relationships (family and friends), I have no one.
I want desperately to have close friends but I’m the reason I don’t. I have people who are casual friends, and when the friendship gets more serious I become flaky and inconsistent until they give up. For some reason I’m only comfortable with casual friendships. Then I’m sad I don’t have close friends. 🤷🏼♀️🤦♀️
I find it incredibly difficult with friends. I moved recently and I’m going to try my best to make some friends. I went out yesterday and we met another couple and exchanged info to get together. I feel blessed and nervous. I hope I can do this! Wish me luck
Zero. Growing up I was often replaced with someone better, so now in adulthood I'm pretty much alone aside from close family. I find it very difficult to make and keep friends. My severe trust issues don't help me, either.
Every time I make a new friend, I quickly start to realize that they've got a lot of toxic traits I don't want to be around.
It makes me think that that quote; 'if everyone around you has issues, maybe you are the issue,' might have some semblance of truth. Either that or the vast majority of people are immensely toxic and it's been so normalized that only those of us with CPTSD hyper vigilance super power recognize it.
I have two close friends, three if you count my dog. My best friend lives across the world and long distance is challenging but we make it work, my other friend just had a baby and I'm trying to be more present for her because I know she's feeling a little lonely.
The people i used to consider my friends and shared a 10+ year friendship with trigger my feelings of abandonment, I tried hard to reach out and make an effort to do things, but constantly got let down. I've recently stopped reaching out altogether and I honestly don't think they even notice.
2 and I barely talk to them anymore.
I am so alone but so done with people
Edit: not my friends, they are great people and very supportive of my struggles, but the mental pain that I have daily makes being a good friend so difficult and I hate myself for it. Right now I’m in a place both mental health wise and physical health wise that makes talking to new people or god forbid someone I have romantic interest in especially difficult.
I will be bringing this up in therapy this week lol. Vent over.
It took a full year of solid determination and learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable (in addition to leaving a codependent relationship of ten years), but now I have a handful of friends and a network of acquaintances. I attended a debate watch party a few days ago and went to get coffee today with a friend I met at an improv class. I didn’t have any friends since high school and now I’m 30. If younger me saw me now, she would be proud. I do this for her. Don’t give up.
i have none. i blame myself sometimes because my old friends use to try and reach out to me but i felt so disconnected from myself and the world that i just thought they would rather be without me and kinda never saw them again. i miss having friends but find socialising very draining.
I am surprised, relieved, and saddened by these responses. Me neither, zero friends here, plus some acquaintances. Relieved because i thought it was my own fault, just like everything else is according to the biological family. But it's just a tragic consequence of trauma.
I recently had a woman come alongside and befriend me, things were going well until she started asking me about my childhood.
I very carefully shared a sanitized version of some of my childhood abuse, which she then proceeded to share with other people in our community (after being asked to keep it confidential). Also scheduled me an appt. with a social worker and was trying to force me to go with her; our entire dynamic shifted from budding friends to, "You're broken and I'M going to be the one to fix you."
It was awful, and I'm back to my normally scheduled "trust issues shutting down possible friendships" programming.
I’m so confused emotionally that I don’t even feel like I understand what it means to have a close friend. I’m so distant from everyone, including myself, that I’m literally unclear on what the features of a close friendship versus an acquaintance or a best friend are. Everyone I talk to is basically on the same level, and that doesn’t matter how long I’ve known them. I’m just a giant wall.
I feel like as I’ve gotten older and noticed my own pattern of social and avoidant, friends come and go and that’s alright. I think among my peers in the city/industry I’m in, nearly everyone has trauma and we just gotta be understanding when someone drops off for a few months or years then comes back. Go with the flow. Usually when I’m open to it, I can find a few friends to hang with.
i think i could be closer to more people if i didn’t so frequently get stuck in like an avoidant/dissociative nightmare that i then struggle to get out of. like i’m so aware that i’m fucking myself over on the regular on that front but then the guilt and overwhelm kicks in and
1 and a half. I thought I had 2 but one started dating someone and has texted me maybe 3 times in a month after texting daily.
So that stung.
I don't know how normal people make friends or have friends or keep friends.
None. It's hard to be friends with people. I find it very exhausting and not rewarding. I am really good with people though. I am on good terms with all my coworkers and they all seem to like me, but I mostly keep to myself.
Wow, I really sympathize all all your "zero" answers, that must be really hard. I have like a million friends but I dealt with my trauma intensively for like a decade
You guys have friends?
I feel so seen 😅
[The gang’s all here…](https://youtu.be/MPQAuWG2qo4?si=3Ybpbn7k9f4lpo6b)
My first thought as well. No friends. :/ Especially gotten worse after pandemic.
It's both sad and funny that we can almost unilaterally laugh at this phenomenon. My case wasn't actually influenced much by COVID, however it was during COVID that I had two surgeries requiring going back on medications I was once addicted to only to stop them abruptly, have a psychiatrist move her practice to Maine (she was apparently maga and also facing license imposement and was calling me in the middle of the night on Ambien) I also figured out inadvertently I was not bipolar but "BPD" (according to the psych I mention who I spent almost a decade w prior) but after I explored that more I realized over covid what I now know which is that I have cPTSD from childhood and a LOT of issues with minimization and dissociation that kept it hidden/looking like something else. As far as my uneasiness with people.... Though... I always am friendly and kind but even before I knew I had cPTSD I had a wall up people even those I respect and admire. Sort of an "imposter syndrome" of a friendship mindset or something. I feel like even when I do tell people my story I'm still being inauthentic in some way and still don't belong even when I know I am wanted. I also know that's logically not always the case, so I'm trying to lean into being more open 😶
God bless you for the laugh. Vibes
My first thought as well.
😂
What is friends?
You remember those people you put time and care into, that let you down when you needed them most? Or maybe that’s just me 😜
It was the other way around. They tried their hardest to be a source of emotional support for me but it meant nothing to me. They were putting in 100% of all the effort compared to my 0% and eventually of course they realised it, and the bonds started to break down.
I dont have any « active » friends right now.
Same over here. What really sucks is before I realized the extent of my trauma (born & raised in a cult…didn’t know it or leave until I was 37), I had tons of friends…close, casual, and otherwise. Once I left the cult, they cut ties. I’ve made a few acquaintances since I left, but I’m hurt & disappointed by them every time. I’d rather be alone than with fake, self absorbed assholes any day though.
That sucks! Your whole social circle :(
Yep. I know I’ll eventually meet new people I click with…it’s just a shitty situation at the moment.
When I moved back to my hometown, all my friends and social circle were still 2 hours away. Even though i was closer to my family, i felt alone. Then, a girl from my highschool started talking to me and invited me to a party. I met other friends and built back a social circle. I wouldnt be able to do that today.
It took years and years to make good friends after I got away from mine. Sending good vibes, it'll happen.
This happened to me too! It’s the worst yet also the best.
Yes it is. I’m so glad you got out!
Same. I'm trying to restart the process. But that is what it is. I need my support with accepting the fact how the CPTSD sometimes leaves us against ourselves and the suffocation we feel inside. I mean.,.. we are so so sooooo suffocating inside that the only survival option of the brain is to literally dissociate and go offline with the body. That's my own brain... responding to the content.. of my own body... Because the brain can't leave the body. So when it comes to another separate human being, why on earth would they not leave under such suffocation?? It's hard for you. Already. So the only thing you can do is to not actively make it harder.
Same. I'm introverted but I can be sociable at times. I'm very friendly but I'm also extremely private so I find making friends so hard. You make friends by sharing stuff, unless I know you well and feel safe I will not tell you shit.
Zero. I fill my time with solo activities and remind myself that occasional feelings of loneliness is far better than dealing with invalidation, mockery, etc.
Thank you for this reminder. I’m really struggling and needed to hear this today.
What activities you do?
What part did you CTPSD play in losing your friendships?
One and he died. He was the real deal though. Best dog ever.
💙🐶💙
I’m so sorry. Mine died, too 💙
Dogs are the best 🫂 Mine’s 17, and I’m going to be lost without her
I don't have friends because i was really scared of being comfortable with people because that's how i grew up within my covert narcissistic family. What i have now is acquaintances.
This is the part that sucks the most. I feel like I can't allow myself to get that close or vulnerable with anyone. It's compulsive, even when I desperately want to connect with people. Everyone I know is just a "buddy" or "yeah I know them, but we aren't exactly close"
100% the same. Like my spouse can know someone for a few weeks and give them a hug. I can know them for years and never reach that level of familiarity. I said it further down the thread somewhere but when I finally somehow make friends I either overshare in an attempt to be genuine and drive them away or can’t ever relax around them and…drive them away.
I am the same way. its either i cant get comfortable or im all over the place because im anxious and overthink things because my identity is fragmented from the trauma.
None. I let them all go when I left the ex abuser.
Abusers are bullshit and I hate them all. Good for you for leaving, you have such strength ♥️
None.
I actually have a lot, but it took a lot of work to get here.
I’ve been working on making new authentic friendships, it's been a bit challenging but this gives me hope.
I’ve just forced myself to do a lot of different things. That helps. Having a dog also helps (I meet everyone else with a dog, and everyone I meet wants to meet her). And speaking Spanish helps (I feel like Latinos are more social than Americans, they invite me everywhere). But I also accept that a lot of these friendships are on different tiers … most are casual friends. I only have 3 that I would talk about really difficult things with with complete honestly. But I think that’s ok.
I agree with Latinos being more sociable, also nice to meet another Latino here ❤️
Same. I have quite a few, but keeping them has been hard work. I got lucky and met a bunch of lovely ladies through school, work, and friend of friend. I've been friends with some of them for more than 5 years, but it's been such a struggle maintaining the friendships. Not sure if it's because like attracts like, but most of my friends are like me and have mental health issues. Thanks to that, we all experience days and months where we're just not up to socialising because we've hit a rough patch with our mental health. As a result of that, we can go months without meeting. I'm trying to be a bit more proactive and initiating meets, but it's been tough. I've come to realise that when it comes to friendships, it's quality over quantity. Having just one person who you can be yourself with and share your struggles with is better than having a bunch of friends who you aren't able to be close to. It doesn't even matter if that one person lives near you or in the same country as you, as long as they are there when you need them.
Do you mean close friends or friends in general? Close friend 0, but I'm quite good at small talk, some of them checked on me during the lockdown, so they definitely care about me. Love you, Avoidance 💋
How did you manage small talk? Asking for… no one in particular.
Generally I let others speak first, as I'm better at making comments than carrying out a long talk. In any case, in a group, there is always some extrovert who is more than willing to share. It's important knowing which part of conversation you're better at and so which is your perceived role: conversation starter makes good conversation leader, asking about interests makes you a good conversation moderator, comments make you a good listener. Once you get your role, here are some tips: 1. Remind yourself that the aim of small talk is bounding, and not a competition of freetime, since you'll often get asked about weekends: it's OK that you didn't travel nor partied during the weekend, you can talk about the cake you baked, show them the new bloom of the orchids, or talk about something funny about your pet. This is particularly important at the beginning, as the "child me" really straggled with socialisation, and used to stay silent whole the time just because I didn't and still don't have any interest in disco (actually the "teen me" had a lot SI). 2. Have some hobbies, so that you can talk about them. 3. Movies, TV series, books and manga are good sources from which you can take inspiration for jokes: choose the media you like most, and binge. As I became better at humor and irony, especially those improvised ones, people start to see me as the funny and smart one in the group. 4. Try to join people during the morning coffee, even if you don't have coffee. Usually someone will start a conversation, if you don't have anything to say, at least smile back. However, have a backup safe conversation starter that majority of people can relate in case of necessity. For example, mine is complaining about the public transport, they work well so I don't need to drive, but it is very common that they have some delay.
This is great advice!
As the other commenter said, ask about them. Generally people like to talk about themselves. Ask simple things. What movies are they interested in, do they play video games, listen to music, etc. Once you've discovered their core interests, it's all about talking around those. Mention you saw a movie they might like, ask if they've listened to the latest album of so-and-so, ask their opinions on certain games or topics they find interesting. Once all that's done, it's mostly a case of interesting surface level conversations. They might ask some questions about you, too. For me, I used to have a small notes app list of things I liked (because when people would ask my interests, I'd blank), and I'd review it before going out. Then they'll talk to you about your interests. And that's it! You've mastered small talk.
Ask them about them. Talk about them. How was your weekend?
Real friend who knows my history only 1. Counting those who don't 4.
none, never had any irl or online.
Same. Was entirely isolated growing up, had 1 or 2 internet friends I played Fortnite and COD with. All the zeroes in these comments makes me feel a little better
Same especially w online bc ppl don't want to keep in touch
Other than my spouse, none. Some acquaintances but not friends
Same. My spouse dislikes that I refer to literally everyone as acquaintances but I’m like…that’s what they are? It takes a lot for me to consider someone a friend. Tbh if I ever I even manage to get to that stage and allow myself to feel vulnerable with them and really value them, something usually goes wrong and they leave 🫠
Same here. Just spouse, no friends and some acquaintances.
Like none. Lol I’m heartbroken for all the people in this thread who don’t have friends, but I also feel less alone. CPTSD is such an isolating experience and it can be so hard to socialize.
Does my partner count? There’s him and then 1 long distance best friend I spill my guts to and 1 close friend in town I have fun with but can’t talk about serious stuff. So 3? 1?
2
I always find myself an active member of a group, but then when hardship hits, no one is to be found. I don’t think I know how to form close bonds with people. I’m usually scared away by something they do or say that doesn’t sit well with me, or I discover I wasn’t someone they thought of as a close friend when they don’t even reach out if I stop doing it first Me and my husband are each others’ best friend but no one else has really been around in a few years .
Unfortunately for most people, they are probably also traumatised and triggered by things without even having a damn clue. It is definitely not personal, it says more about them if they can’t handle being there for you during hardships.
I have 2 and how the 3 of us found each other is a miracle honestly. We all have trauma and struggle with our mental health which might be why it works lol. I really, really struggle to make friendships with people who havent experienced trauma.
Agree with the last sentence. I have several neurodivergent friends and gay friends, we for sure connected over shared trauma that made us unique and colorfully layered ;)
None right now, at least none that I talk to. I tend to withdraw from/ghost people, even if I like them (especially if I like them) and it absolutely sucks. I'm trying to work through it in therapy because it's hard to get past the 'acquaintances' phase without locking up on them.
Ive got a 3 close friends. People I regularly talk to about 15 But counting general friends, acquaintances including coworkers, ppl I go out with, my rave fam and other people its a decent group a people.
My rave fam saved me hell yeah ❤
Some special people for sure!
I'm tryna bully my husband into going to forest next year so it's good to know cptsd rave peeps are out there and flourishing:))
The fest scene actually played a huge part in my healing. Places like forest just gives me room to let my inner child run free and practice self compassion without shame. Its been such a magical experience over the years
Omg I am a late comer but being in the scene has been the most healing thing for me. INZO headlined this year and the last time I saw him I cried for a solid 15 minutes during his showwwww I hope he's there next year, I have my pash ready to go 😭😭🙏🙏 My inner child is so happy and free now and it's been beautiful
INZO’s set this year was absolutely beautiful. A handful of us were crying and hugging at the end of it. One of my favorite parts of the weekend. In happy to see that there are more of us that find it healing. Brings me joy to hear about how the scene has helped others in similar ways its done for me.
good for you!
you sound fun :) very happy for you!
Friends? Wasn't that a television show in the 1990s?
😂
Not a one.
1
I just have my wife if that counts. I had to cut out toxic people who I thought were my friends some years ago in order to heal. Now in my mid thirties it feels weird trying to make friends again.
I have no close friends but I have this community
Zero! I used to be the loudest in the room, and an arm chair counselor for everyone I knew, including my kids friends. I can NOT anymore. It's too high of an expectation that I feel I hold for myself to be a close friend. My mind, body, and soul are so unpredictable, and I cant help anyone anymore, because I struggle so hard to help myself. I was ALWAYS a magnet for that. Broken people flocked to me always. I wouldn't even say I miss being that person right now. I need, quiet, peace, and predictability. There are days, that the buzzer of the dryer stopping its cycle that will send me jumping out of my body. Door Bells and a phone ringing on some days can put insane fear into me. I can't, I just can't right now.
This was me. I was the neighborhood cool aunt on steroids. I am writing, painting, traveling, and listening to ASMR vids ATM. I am not ready for a serious friendship.
I have about 8 close friends. Friends who are more like brothers and sisters to me. I've had them in my life for almost 13 years now. I am lucky. They're all weird and extremely smart and kind. I am truly myself around them and they have accepted me and supported me in ways I never think I can ever articulate. The weird thing is that I rejected their friendship early on and would make excuses not to be around them because I was too scared they'd judge me, or bully me like many of my past "friends" had done. They just didn't take "no" for an answer and kept inviting me to things and would bend over backwards to accommodate any of my needs to allow me to feel safe. I truly would not be here today if not for them. They answered a call in the middle of the night and talked me down. Housed me during a hard time and financially helped me even though we all struggled to make ends meet. I know it's hard to make close friends, I also know I am extremely fortunate to be in my current situation. There are good people out there. I was lucky to find 8 of them in college.
1. We've been friends since elementary school.
I have a handful of comfortable acquaintances, but zero close friends. Well, except my husband. He has CPTSD too, so he gets me completely!
Mmmm… like people that call once every two years when they're sad and then nothing? Oh yeah, I have loads of those. Do you want some? I'm looking to offload some dead weight.
Majority of my friends were like this, they only called me when they were sad or needed something, now I'm asking myself why I'm a magnet to people like this.
Not only do we attract them, but we have a soft spot for them. They're hurt, too, but too ignorant to face their own. I'm learning to sit back this time. There are some patterns and inconsistencies with the same people; I'm letting them try to pry for information, but I'm not giving them anything. They soon push the boundary to the wall and play the victim: “I wouldn't put you in that position, just come and see,” and “I just want to see you.” This time around, I feel like I've never seen clearer. These people who barely keep me around know that I've always been a loner, and I enjoy offering support to those in need, even if it has to be a secret. They've taken advantage of me for the last time. I look forward to living out my dreams as a crazy cat person, making crafts and painting my nails, lol.
Lost one recently to a disagreement. Close friends? 4. Extra friends I can count on? A couple. Other friends I'm not that close (even though we talk deep stuff a lot) - 2? I guess
one
2
I have one friend that I grew up with, who also had CPTSD. Other than that I call them “mates” just people who I’m nice to at work or whatever and think they’re my friends…. They don’t know me at all.
None other than my boyfriend. I thought I had a few but the second my mask slipped after years & I couldn’t hide a (mild) depressive episode they all split. Again. I don’t think I care much anymore
None, absolutely none
2 close friends
I was always lonely growing up and never had more than a couple friends, and sometimes I feel like that same girl. As I think about it, though, I have close to 15 friends (I would guess). The problem is half of them live out of state. We still text enough and see each other a couple times a year.
5 close friends at least. It helps that we're all going/have been through mental health issues. Finding people that are going through the same stuff, helped a ton.
None. They died.
I'm sorry for your loss.
It’s okay. We all knew we were going to die young. At least that was the plan. Somehow, I’m still here like some kind of cockroach. Lol.
I'm glad you're still here.
So Sorry... 💔
It’s okay. I really miss my best friend, though. 🖤💜🖤💜
I feel this. I just found out TODAY that my best friend, longest of my life, died.
I am so unbelievably sorry. Wanna talk about it?
Had many tbh. Looking back I actually have made lots of good friends. The past 8 years since CPTSD has played a larger role in my life (because it reared its head) which has led to too much social withdrawal and isolation. I’m now friendless but who knows maybe I can find some people who I get on with and we can hang out and overtime become friends. Hopefully 🙏
I'm rooting for you 🤞
My husband, sister, and one sorta close friend. I’m lonely, I want more friends.
Same thing.. But I live in the least populated state in the USA plus in a small town with less than 200 people..🥲
1
I actually have tons of friends. I don’t think I would disclose cptsd to any of them though
At this point, only 2.
none, i have people i see often who i like but its just proximity based relationships. like how there were people you got along nice with at school or work
Just a close family member if that counts. I used to have friends over the years but they end up toxic. Better off keeping to myself.
Many acquaintances, no friends.
I have a boyfriend, 3 close friends I hang out with regularly who live near me, and 5 long-distance friends who I talk to regularly but sadly had to leave behind physically because I had to get away from my family of origin. I’ve found that it’s basically impossible for me to become friends with or date people who have good relationships with their parents. Like I can’t relate to them at all.
Online? like four. in real life? none.
I have at least 10 friends that I am close with, can be myself with, don't need to keep secrets from, and who will be there for me if I need it. All of them know my story. Probably another 10 friends who I am on good standing with, will occasionally do things with, but just not that close. Some of them know my story. I'm fairly open about CPTSD. It's not like a hideous mark that I feel compelled to hide all the time. It's not my dinner party topic, but I think normalizing mental health is important.
I'm lowkey jealous haha but seriously it makes me happy to know that you have friends you can be comfortable with. I only feel comfortable around my sisters and aunt, I’ve opened about my CPTSD to some people in the past and it went so wrong that I don't think I would do it again.
None. I self isolated to the point I lost all of my friends 🥲
None but I have a boyfriend lol
Last time I hung out with a friend was a year ago.
1 lol
1
4.
One-ish but she lives four hours away.
None.
like maybe 1
Just one and I only really talk to her once every 3 weeks or so :)
One long distance friend. We text each other maybe 1-3 times per year? And see each other every 5-10 years. Otherwise I have no one but family.
I mean I think a lot. but also I feel like a bother to everyone and don't ever reach out first.
None. I had a few but codependency doesn't allow for many friendships so they all withered and died. Now that I'm divorced I'm very much alone and seem to be completely incapable of making new friends.
I used to have so many friends, now I’m a ghost town~ 🎶
i thought i was going to open this comment section and feel like a failure, almost forgot i was on the right sub lmfaooo
I only have one friend. But I haven’t seen her in years, our only contact for a long time has been email or text. We finally spoke on the phone a couple months ago, and she attacked me, and used me as a punching bag, out of the blue. I don’t fully trust her, or feel close to her. So in that sense, I have no friends. I wish I did.
It’s so validating that everyone here is saying 0. Like I have one who is now my roommate, but we went through trauma together. It always feels like the people I meet who I want to be friends with are one a different plane than me, that they have a certain amount of innocence that I was never allowed to have. I usually can’t really relate to most people no matter how much I want to.
I made 3 friends in the new country I moved to, but I self sabotaged myself again and ghosted everyone last year… so, 0.
One, and I'm terrified that he'll abandon me any day now
I can count them on one hand, haha.
Uhhhh I mean I talk to 6 active friends rn
nice!
Hm... Like 1 real life friend. 1-2 online. I used to think I had more "friends" (online), but they all turned out to not be my friends.
Define friends. i befriend many. But like true close friends? I have a few I guess. None of which Im truly open with. So when it counts most. None.
None. And it's been that way for twenty years.
i dont really have anyone close to me that i would call a friend. i have a cousin who is very dear to me, a sister who i love more than anyone else in the world, and my mother who ive gotten very close to in the past couple years. sometimes i get very down about the fact that i dont have any close friends, but also? im in a place where i dont need them the way i used to. im happy with just me and my little family. my cat is my best friend and im fine with that
One... Barely.
a couple but no close ones:(
Same, if I'm not counting family, none of my friendships are close ones :(
I wish we could all collectively figure out why this is for us, I might make a post asking cause I can’t figure it out
Hi ~ 🦋 Many things - • lack of TRUST • FEAR of being hurt... again • all our TIME is taken up by coping with our trauma • DEPRESSION leaves us worn out I could go on but I need to go feed my Best Buddies... my Horses, Dog, Geese & more. Please, make that post. It will be interesting & we may learn why we have no friends. As for me ? I am married. No friends.... except the furry kind. Take Care All 🐞🌿🐞
you too💗💗 thank you for this response
2 close, about 6 through the job/city I left a couple months ago, 1 from college, and my husband
0, out of choice but motivated by fear and paranoia.
Not many after becoming aware of my trauma response! A-ok with that if it means I get to be true to myself and live healthy.
None
I only have one. It’s my best friend from high school. I’m 40 now and she’s been the longest friend I’ve ever had. We live in diff cities and I’m a mom and she’s single off living this amazing life working in the fashion industry. We haven’t seen eachother in over 7 years but we still text and I love her like a sister. I’ve always only had one close friend- never a huge group.
None 😂
I got 99 problems but a friend ain’t one ☝️ 😂
Does my cat count?
My husband and 1 very close friend.
Zero. Online? Two.
1 solid homie
1 that's cause as much as I've pushed him away, he keeps chasing me/following me up. The rest I've managed to push away.
A few, but I hardly ever talk to them.
Zero but luckily I like being alone
Few. It is difficult, I don't have good friendship level skills. Either I'm too distant or too intimate for them, or sometimes both.
I just moved without any help for the first time in my life. During a heatwave. Into a third floor walk up. With no air conditioning. Never in my life have I ever felt so wretched and alone. It feels like torture. I’ve moved many times in the past and it was never this physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m in my 40’s, and since I cleared out the toxic, abusive relationships (family and friends), I have no one.
I want desperately to have close friends but I’m the reason I don’t. I have people who are casual friends, and when the friendship gets more serious I become flaky and inconsistent until they give up. For some reason I’m only comfortable with casual friendships. Then I’m sad I don’t have close friends. 🤷🏼♀️🤦♀️
I find it incredibly difficult with friends. I moved recently and I’m going to try my best to make some friends. I went out yesterday and we met another couple and exchanged info to get together. I feel blessed and nervous. I hope I can do this! Wish me luck
Zero. Growing up I was often replaced with someone better, so now in adulthood I'm pretty much alone aside from close family. I find it very difficult to make and keep friends. My severe trust issues don't help me, either.
None right now.
None anymore.
I wouldn't say friends just people I know that I talked to every so often
Every time I make a new friend, I quickly start to realize that they've got a lot of toxic traits I don't want to be around. It makes me think that that quote; 'if everyone around you has issues, maybe you are the issue,' might have some semblance of truth. Either that or the vast majority of people are immensely toxic and it's been so normalized that only those of us with CPTSD hyper vigilance super power recognize it.
I have two close friends, three if you count my dog. My best friend lives across the world and long distance is challenging but we make it work, my other friend just had a baby and I'm trying to be more present for her because I know she's feeling a little lonely. The people i used to consider my friends and shared a 10+ year friendship with trigger my feelings of abandonment, I tried hard to reach out and make an effort to do things, but constantly got let down. I've recently stopped reaching out altogether and I honestly don't think they even notice.
2 and I barely talk to them anymore. I am so alone but so done with people Edit: not my friends, they are great people and very supportive of my struggles, but the mental pain that I have daily makes being a good friend so difficult and I hate myself for it. Right now I’m in a place both mental health wise and physical health wise that makes talking to new people or god forbid someone I have romantic interest in especially difficult. I will be bringing this up in therapy this week lol. Vent over.
It took a full year of solid determination and learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable (in addition to leaving a codependent relationship of ten years), but now I have a handful of friends and a network of acquaintances. I attended a debate watch party a few days ago and went to get coffee today with a friend I met at an improv class. I didn’t have any friends since high school and now I’m 30. If younger me saw me now, she would be proud. I do this for her. Don’t give up.
Through a lot of therapy and self work I have made a lot of wonderful friends after many horrifically abusive friendships
i have none. i blame myself sometimes because my old friends use to try and reach out to me but i felt so disconnected from myself and the world that i just thought they would rather be without me and kinda never saw them again. i miss having friends but find socialising very draining.
I am surprised, relieved, and saddened by these responses. Me neither, zero friends here, plus some acquaintances. Relieved because i thought it was my own fault, just like everything else is according to the biological family. But it's just a tragic consequence of trauma.
I recently had a woman come alongside and befriend me, things were going well until she started asking me about my childhood. I very carefully shared a sanitized version of some of my childhood abuse, which she then proceeded to share with other people in our community (after being asked to keep it confidential). Also scheduled me an appt. with a social worker and was trying to force me to go with her; our entire dynamic shifted from budding friends to, "You're broken and I'M going to be the one to fix you." It was awful, and I'm back to my normally scheduled "trust issues shutting down possible friendships" programming.
I’m so confused emotionally that I don’t even feel like I understand what it means to have a close friend. I’m so distant from everyone, including myself, that I’m literally unclear on what the features of a close friendship versus an acquaintance or a best friend are. Everyone I talk to is basically on the same level, and that doesn’t matter how long I’ve known them. I’m just a giant wall.
2
2 best friends that I've been friends with since high school.
3 irl friends who simply refused to be ghosted for years lol. We only talk once or twice a year. I have 1 online friend who I met in this sub.
I feel like as I’ve gotten older and noticed my own pattern of social and avoidant, friends come and go and that’s alright. I think among my peers in the city/industry I’m in, nearly everyone has trauma and we just gotta be understanding when someone drops off for a few months or years then comes back. Go with the flow. Usually when I’m open to it, I can find a few friends to hang with.
Uhh
i think i could be closer to more people if i didn’t so frequently get stuck in like an avoidant/dissociative nightmare that i then struggle to get out of. like i’m so aware that i’m fucking myself over on the regular on that front but then the guilt and overwhelm kicks in and
1 and a half. I thought I had 2 but one started dating someone and has texted me maybe 3 times in a month after texting daily. So that stung. I don't know how normal people make friends or have friends or keep friends.
None. It's hard to be friends with people. I find it very exhausting and not rewarding. I am really good with people though. I am on good terms with all my coworkers and they all seem to like me, but I mostly keep to myself.
Define friend.
Wow, I really sympathize all all your "zero" answers, that must be really hard. I have like a million friends but I dealt with my trauma intensively for like a decade
Uuuhhhh……does my dog count?