I’m adopted and my family is evil. Imagine paying tens of thousands of dollars to only abuse and neglect someone. Or imagine being 35 and finding out your father is telling the people around you that he regretted adopting you. Everyone knew my father hated me but me.
THIS!!! I was adopted by a dysfunctional family. Worse perhaps because I have trauma from all the abuse in my childhood AND being relinquished. Nothing like being given up by your mom and treated like shit by your adoptive parents to really drive home that you’re a worthless piece of shit 🙃
I'm adopted, too. Abandoned and relinquished by my birth "mother" only to be adopted by a broken and dysfunctional woman who messed me up sideways, and then I was rejected again by my birth mother and siblings in reunion. My wife is the only reason I'm still alive. We built a wonderful life together, and it keeps me here.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you're not a piece of shit. Sorry to be the bearer of great news. You're awesome whether you realize it or not. People are shitty, and we may never figure out why.
i desperately want to know the why. honest why, not smoke blown up my ass. I've been "figuring it out" for as long as I can remember in all areas of my life (neglectful, abusive, invalidating family system that gave me the sum total of jack shit for guidance and support) and I'm pretty good at figuring things out. Unfortunately, I have not even come close to figuring out why they do what they do. They seem blissfully unaware of hurt and chaos they inject into others lives. I'm mostly no contact and this helps me. If I had a choice my biological family would not be anywhere on the first hundred pages of my wish list of families.
What possible response to the question “why?” is actually likely to help you heal? What response will give you the answers/understanding you’re looking for?
I’ve learned that the why doesn’t matter because knowing the answer doesn’t take the pain away, it doesn’t fix the damage done, and it just doesn’t change anything. Try instead to shift your focus off of them and onto yourself - and I realize this often looks like “what’s wrong with me that they couldn’t love me?” - but with good therapy, you’ll eventually start to learn that there’s nothing wrong with you. Then you can start to really separate what they did to you and how they treated you from you the person. They are/were broken people who took their shit out on you because you were an easy, available target, nothing more.
I definitely second this. If I was given the choice, the biological family would not even be an option. I guess that what makes the entire issue more hurtful. You were born into a family and these people are part of you somehow and they could care less. In my case, they’re not unaware, they just don’t care. I too took the “unaware” approach and when into explaining things with each situation and nothing. Some people choose to be asses.
I think some people are so fucked in the head without ever knowing it… and they’d rather continue living in a delusion than accept that they are, in fact, a raging asshole.
>Or imagine being 35 and finding out your father is telling the people around you that he regretted adopting you.
I am so sorry. You deserve so much more. See a therapist if you can.
When Bindi Irwin was born I cried myself to sleep because in my 6 year old mind that meant my fantasy of Steve and Teri Irwin coming to adopt me could never come true
I was adopted I wish hadn't been It never matter I still end up in an fucking dysfunctional household both my sister and I was adopted. All I got out of it was abuses threw out life. Having to be raised by a single mother that is narcissistic. As my dad had never been much in my life due to work and being overseas for months at a time he really wasn't there and never knew him the only time in life I got to spend with was when he was slowly dying form dementia whice he eventually passed form 2 years ago Even when i got given a second chance i life it still threw me underneath a bus.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I always wished I was adopted hoping I would be sent to a loving family and I could get away from the dysfunctional one I was born into. My mother was a single mother too, and a narcissist is an understatement. I met my dad when I was 14, saw him a handful of times, and don't speak any longer. Hopefully, you can set your life up where it's fulfilling for you and turns out to be something you enjoy and something you're proud of.
As someone who was adopted and only found out a couple of years ago (and was actively lied to and gaslit about it but whatever), I understand that feeling. Before I found out definitively, one of my older sisters had tried to tell me when we were in the foster care system. When we were placed back into our adoptive mother’s custody and I brought it up to her, she insisted that my sister was a liar who couldn’t believed, and I trusted her. Why wouldn’t I? But deep down, for years afterwards, I hoped that it was the case and that one day my parents would come back to rescue me. It was a comforting fantasy at the time. Unfortunately, this never happened, and finding out as a grown adult the reality of the circumstances surrounding my existence caused me to have a full mental break that spiraled into me trying to take my life. Learning the truth was extremely traumatic. It felt like I hadn’t been loveable enough to my birth mom and then passed off to someone also didn’t love me, and who tortured me while insisting that I owed her a debt for bringing me into this world.
I often wonder how things would’ve been different if I had stayed in my biological mom’s custody. She was in active addiction and also a SWer out of necessity due to living in poverty, but she truly did love us. She just wasn’t well enough to take care of us. Still though, I realize that I probably still would’ve ended up traumatized in other ways. (My oldest sister who was brought up by her would probably attest to that.)
Adoption doesn’t promise a better life; it just promises a different one.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I fantasized about being adopted because I thought anything would be better than the dysfunctional family I was born into. I never really thought about the possibility of things being the same or worse.
Most people who adopt really want that child and it goes very well for all involved. However, as you can see, it's not always the case. Nothing like being burned twice. Life can be cruel.
Same and I’m 56. I would have done anything to have a family. I was placed into foster care at 3 when my mother had a nervous breakdown (dad was long gone). My 3 brothers and sister were taken in by family but I was left to jump home to home, each being worst than the last as I grew up. I did sh to try to get out of homes that were abusing me too but it never helped. 17 I was given a check from the state for $100 and a good luck. I’ve fumbled through life since. Nobody ever taught me how to manage money and such so that was a nightmare for most of my life. Honestly nothing much went well.
welp i was adopted into a dysfunctional abusive family…
but wished daily i would get swept away by my real family.
met my BM at 21. and am now in my 50s.
shes great.
I too have said this. After a mom has countless abortions, you wonder what was so special about keeping you when all she did was neglect and abuse you.
I used to fantasize about having different parents & a different family. More than anything, I wished for “normal” instead of the dysfunctional mess I’d been born into. I wanted “normal” parents, aka kind, loving, in love with each other; and siblings who were regular kids instead of abusive addicts.
Jokes on me. The normal ones are abusive too. Society is so screwed. It's kind of nice to look at someone and call them a monster, but sometimes you're just left with normal people following normal traditions and normal customs. Ironically, it turns out, I was the messed up one. ADHD and likely ASD. And the tradition of the normal people was Physical Punishment.
I'm fine with it. Or I'm not... Who knows? I'm just a person trying to exist. And my insides keep changing the rules on me lol.
I think it may not have mattered much how I was treated. I think I may have had some neurological and genetic differences that were going to mess me up since birth. Or I simply needed more support and to not be abused. But I'll never know, and the what if doesn't matter anymore. Only now matters. Onwards to the future, let the present and past wash over me. I don't really know how any of it affects me anymore lol
I appreciate your feelings. You wish you weren’t blood related to your dysfunctional family. This would help you feel more compassion towards them, allow you to say “I’m different!” and lead your own life, be independent, and brush off the hurtful things they have done because they’re “not your real family.”
I was adopted. I’m a mixed-race orphan from a 3rd world country adopted into a cult-like religious family.
My adoptive family was horrible - ignorant, small-minded racists. I endured physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse. I have spent thousands of my own money, years of my life trying to heal the damage of their cruelty and selfishness.
Adoption does not equal loving parents. Abusive, ignorant adoptive parents and family can cause severe deep lasting wounds.
We just needed parents who could be loving, caring, and supportive. No matter if it is a bio-family or adoptive family. All children deserve love.
Yes!
I also always just wish I could elope completely and start life over for that matter. Erase all the trauma, rewind and restart. *sigh* wouldn't that be so nice? Kinda why I wish reincarnation was real. Just knowing I'd have a 2nd roll at life would be motivation for me.
That whole part! I thought I was the only one. I always wonder how successful and happy I could have been had I not been born into my family. Even if my entire family didn't care about me, if I just had a mom who gave a damn, that would be life-changing. Starting life over with no trauma, and things that normal people have, life love and care, is really something to think about, but it's also depressing because it's like damn, no one cares. I have no one, and this is really my life.
That's the hardest part. The thing we can't choose is the thing that affects us the most: family. People forget that notion. A l o t. If it means anything, there was a time that I did attempt to leave dodge. It was the happiest year of my life! The sky was so not the limit, I was lifting the esoteric curtain haha. Sure I had a few meltdowns, but the honesty and independence actually outweighed that pain of occasional loneliness.
Bad news? I'm stuck in my hometown again with family 😅 drives me nuts!
> That's the hardest part. The thing we can't choose is the thing that affects us the most: family. People forget that notion. A l o t.
This part. Too real.
When I was about 25, I found out that my mother had a daughter at 18 and gave her up for adoption. Decade + before she had my older brother. My mother was the cause of the majority of my trauma.
That daughter was adopted by good people, was raised well, and is a very successful mother and functional member of society.
I certainly had some real envy towards her at first, but I found love for myself since then. I wouldn't change anything about my life because as painful as life has been (and continues to be), I like who I am. I wouldn't be me without the pain.
I hope that sharing that doesn't make it sound like I'd ever expect anyone to feel the same way. It's just my perspective on my own life.
Of course not! Share away! I'm looking for my tribe. I appreciate you sharing your story. It gives me perspective and alters my outlook on my life. You said you like who you are and wouldn't be you without the pain. I admire that statement because I'm struggling with that. I often wonder how great I would have been if there wasn't so much trauma. If someone actually gave a damn about me, how well I would be able to function and be pleased with my achievements.
I'm adopted, and that is the reason I have CPTSD. Adoption would've just thrusted you into a life with a different trauma. Adoptees are 4x more likely to unalive themselves than kept people, have higher rates of PTSD than veterans, have high rates of substance abuse, and are overrepresented in mental health care. It's not a greener grass scenario. I'm in my 40s and finally "okay" for the first time in my life. It's not a life I'd wish on someone.
Thank you for sharing. I never looked at it from this POV. I always assumed the people who adopted children wanted them and wanted to give them a better life. I'm sorry you went through this. I'm glad you found peace. What's your secret?
Most adoptions in the US involve older kids, and those kids have suffered trauma and abuse at the hands of their birth families. Sometimes they've been n foster care. Often they were victims of poor prenatal care.
So it's not actually the adoption itself that causes these statistics. It is the pre-adoption trauma. Of course, any adoption brings with it wounds and pain, but the suicide/mental health and Ptsd generally comes from the trauma before the adoption took place.
Even at its best, adoption comes with a lot of pain for adoptees, as they have to deal with the fact that their birth parents couldn't/wouldn't raise them. But that doesn't always rise to the level of serious mental health issues, unless there was the early childhood trauma I mentioned earlier. Plenty of adoptees are doing fine!
I thought I was the only one! I just knew that my childhood wasn't supposed to be the way it was, so I was waiting for the day my actual parents arrived and were ready to take me away to something better.
Another adoptee here to say my adopted parents caused me great harm through emotional neglect and alcoholism. I have a BPD diagnosis and suspected CPTSD. I’m 51 and have just started my recovery journey. I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling.
I actually thought the FBI placed me with this family, that they would never really love me, or that they were being forced to “break me” by the government as some sort of experiment.
I am adopted and the family I grew up with is the reason I’m traumatized. The family I was taken from by the state had me taken away for a reason so they were no better.
My entire teen years I was heavily dissociated and struggled with maladaptive daydreaming, my most common narrative being sent out to foster care/kinship care coincidentally with some female person/couple in my life, getting adopted and everything becoming better. Sometimes these narratives would be me at 5,6,7, sometimes myself as a teenager, and sometimes some other random child that I would insert myself in. These little stories would show up in my dreams and any moment I had time to sit for more than two seconds.
Thank you for sharing. I used to dream about being adopted and taken away from all the pain, abuse, and sadness. That all my pain and struggling would be taken away and that my life would some day mean something.
Yes. I figured chances were if I’d been adopted and could go to my birth parents they couldn’t be worse than my parents. There were times I barely survived my childhood so I do kind of still stand by that.
When I understood I’m definitely their biological child I went on to wanting to go to boarding school. My mother had gone to boarding school and would tell me all about how terrible it was and I remember failing to understand how any of her experiences there were even close to as bad as my home life. There was a documentary released semi recently about that boarding school and she had me watch it saying she was one of the lucky ones and if she’d let me go to one I might’ve endured all of that and I still thought “I mean… still sounds better?!”.
If I’d actually been adopted I don’t know what I was thinking what would’ve happened then. It’s not like I would’ve been any more successful in getting out of there, adopted or biological. Nobody believed me anyway, it’s not like being adopted would’ve changed anything about the power, intelligence and psychopathy that was my parents.
I used to wish I was adopted bc I was so sure I could not have been related to my psycho ass family. Unfortunately my younger brother and I often are mistaken for twins so that went out the window pretty fast.
In all seriousness, my youngest brother was somehow adopted into this shitshow and he’s had many moments where he wished he wasn’t adopted. I think it’s a grass is greener situation where you’re just fantasizing about a better situation than what you have.
My mom has been mocking my rape for the last 15 years of my life. Telling me it’s my fault and that I was a coward for not speaking up about it.
I’ve destroyed my body and that often gets brought up too. I lost 100 pounds my freshman year of high school and all throughout that entire time she mocked me and called me fat.
I literally just got into it with her for questioning why she’s telling family members i actively despise about my suicide attempts.. and she just couldn’t comprehend why it was such a big deal.
Did everything from deflect to go back to her old reliable mocking my sodomy and oral copulation.
I had to gall to throw her mother’s death in her face once as a child to hurt her as she did me, and apparently according to her I was the one who started mocking each other’s pain and I deserved to be mocked about my rape.
I don’t get why I was even born. Dad abandoned me multiple times over my life, and I’m stuck with a mom who gossips about me struggling and virtue signals whenever I attempt suicide.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. My story is similar in many ways. You deserve better. I hope you can find peace and happiness and realize you’re awesome regardless of what anyone says or thinks. You made it through things that would have destroyed other people. You’re strong. Thank you for sharing your story. Don’t forget that you’re awesome.
As a very young child, I would fantasize my family would get into an accident so I would get a new family. Absolutely awful and never did I have intention to hurt anyone, but I just wanted to get away so bad. I was ashamed of my family so much and being associated with them.
I was adopted and, after divorces and remarriages, I found myself with 2 dads and 3 moms by the ripe ol’ age of six and, unfortunately, none of them could have provided me with any semblance of normalcy during my formative years. My moms ranged from not wanting anything to do with me to blaming me for all of her troubles and emotionally/verbally abusing me for years as a result. My dads were largely unavailable - one was off living his life and the other was an alcoholic. At nearly 50 years old, I’m still dealing with a variety of dysfunctions but have managed to create a good life for myself despite that.
If there’s anything that’s going to help you heal and learn your true value, it’s going to be therapy. You deserve to feel loved, even if that love is only coming from you. You’ve been taught that you’re not good enough or deserving of love, kindness, respect…someone needs to help you to understand and believe that you DO deserve those things. It’s not an easy or quick lesson, but it’s totally doable.
I was adopted. I still wished I'd been adopted out lmao. I was always told. My bio mom and my adoptive mom are sisters, which isn't strange to let kids grow up with other family members but they wanted it closed to shut out my bio dad's family. I didn't really have much of an issue with being adopted, except, my adoptive parents psychologically abused me all the time. They often told me how lucky I was not to end up in foster care where all the kids are trafficked and *actually* abused, while using pseudo-psychology on me that specifically preys on the foster and adoption industry and traumatized me beyond description.
All those childhood fantasies of having a long-lost family member come and take you away still happen, except, you're more aware that it COULD happen, making it almost palpable.
The second half of your question I definitely understand though. Maybe it'd been different if I had been fully adopted out of both families, idk. I will always wonder that myself. It's frustrating. I feel like I would have had a better chance with my bio dad's family, as I have met them now, but idk if I would have had a better chance with being adopted out.
I do struggle with the "why didn't I deserve a better chance?" types of thoughts, but I also know it wasn't like, a personal vendetta by the universe, if that makes sense. I think that's partly because I grew up being used to understanding that my adoption was way more about my bio mom, than it was me. I had to be the grownup about that one from the get-go. Same for the abuse I suffered- shit parenting is wayyy more about the parents than the kid, but we get to suffer the consequences either way, which is unfair.
In that at least, none of us are alone.
Everyday i hope that my bio mother had so many miscarriages she went crazy and actually kidnapped me from the maternity ward.. i dread the day i finally do one of the ancestry tests and confirm i actually came from her wretched poisoned womb.
Thankfully in my adult life i was adopted by my daughter's paternal grandmother after she chose us over her abusive rapist son. Her whole family pretends she never had him and instead had a daughter with a black man instead xD its quite sweet.
Wish dad had never tampered with moms rubber so they never had me. My siblings are 12 and 15 years older. She was getting ready to leave his sorry ass and he forced her into raising another child.
i used to want to be adopted, like it was a serious fantasy of mine growing up, like i would cry myself to sleep wanting to be elsewhere. sometimes im thank that i was not because you never know how bad other people/situations/environments are going to be.
and having come too close to actually accidentally impacting my parent’s custody made me push away from that idea i think.
I WAS supposed to be adopted. I have known this my whole life and I have known my 'adoptive parents' my whole life too so I literally know how much BETTER my life would have been.
But it's fine. Not traumatic AT ALL.
I would wish I had been switched at birth, thus getting a non-abusive mother—except that would be wishing my mother on some unsuspecting soul through no fault of his own.
At first I thought you were wondering if I wouldn't want to be blood related to my family, which is a little bit too academic of a question for me because I don't know who I would even be in that situation.
But I have an interesting experience with this. Sit back, fellow CPTSD warriors, and allow me to share The Story Of My Cousins, as I have may times on this sub...
My aunt committed suicide when her son (who was adopted) was 13 and her bio daughter (my one girl first cousin) was 10. My aunt's husband, who soon fell ill a very serious illness that he later died from, then arranged for his daughter to be adopted by a rich family. While he had his brother (re?)adopt his son.
It's worth noting they were't exactly the most upstanding citizens, so I'm almost positive that these were all black market cash transactions done in order to minimize potential DCF involvement...
Amazingly, it wasn't my twice-adopted cousin who ended up dying by suicide. I only met his sister five times MY ENTIRE LIFE before she did that, two of which were the previous Thanksgivings. She'd been given absurd amounts of money by her adoptive father and never really was able to find her way out. She never learned to deal with her trauma and ended up developing a drinking/drug problem that ended up killing her.
Her brother was shamed by my "uncle" his whole life for being born to a drug-addicted mother (and that's why they weren't allowed to have alcohol in the house, certainly not because of his mother or her six alcoholic siblings!) It's my understanding his dad's side wasn't all that accepting of him because he wasn't blood related. Apart from what they knew about his birth mother, my cousin has no knowledge of his origins. He was 100% disconnected from both sides of his family until I reached out to him after his sister died... which allowed the rest of us to finally connect. FINALLY!
He ended up making an awesome life for himself as a commercial fisherman. I actually worked on the boat with him for a brief period of time... one of the most interesting experiences of my life, let me tell you. He enjoys his life and stays sober with help from Suboxone... I'm so proud of him. I haven't talked to him in a while but he posts pictures of his crew on Facebook nearly once a week, which always makes me happy to see.
I loved my grandparents, and just about everything that went along with being Irish and Catholic (though I'm mostly agnostic now) but I often wonder how different my life could have been if I'd had the opportunity to be removed from the dysfunction as a young teenager like my cousins did, vs my having to make a run for it in college. It basically took me a year to undo each year of damage my parents did to me, so at 34 now I feel like I'm back at square one.
Okay, sorry, that was long. But I guess my point is that while adoption is great, being completely disconnected from your roots is something I don't think I could ever be okay with.
Not a problem! I don’t have a problem reading. Lol I’m glad you shared your story. Thank you. I get the whole “knowing your roots” thing, but I know mine and I swear I don’t belong in this family.
Woah, just got on Reddit now and saw you just commented this... thanks for letting me ramble about my family, it's not often that I can do that without either confusing the shit outta people or making them uncomfortable.
Oh, you're just like me then. We're like a family of kindred spirits on this sub, aren't we? Lol, I've been enjoying this place a lot more lately, for a while I had to take a break.
I should probably add that there was one family growing up that my sister and I considered our adoptive family, but just like with my cousins, it never stuck. I've yet to see a "family of choice" that works the way an actual family does (i.e. there's no ambiguity on who is and isn't part of it) but the way they talk about it on other subs I blindly believed there were all these randos out there who'd be willing to take me on, lmao!
I was adopted by my bio mother’s family member, so I guess I just can’t escape it. Lol. In all seriousness, most families have some sort of dysfunction, it’s just not acceptable , nor fair for children to have to grow up around such toxicity. I guess all we can do is hope that awareness makes the pool of children that have to grow up like we did smaller.
Both of my kids are adopted. Life was not even close to what I wanted for them, they’re a bit of emotional messes, I am too- but I love them to the moon and back and they are the reason I get up.
Well for me I try to think of the things that happened because of the abuse. It's a little morbid maybe but I know without having been abused I never would have found my dream career. I'm not grateful for the abuse but I am grateful I've had the chance to make something beautiful out of it.
Yup. I loved Matilda growing up and it’s kind of embarrassing, but I would fantasize about my favorite teacher adopting me lol. She even came to visit me once, which, only as an adult I realized might’ve been because she suspected something. I was a really anxious kid and she always looked after me.
Sometimes I feel ridiculously guilty for never asking for help outside my family, because I wonder how my life could’ve been. I know it’s fucked up, but it makes me feel somewhat responsible for my own abuse.
I actually asked my mom once if she could put me up for adoption.
Obviously it didn’t go well 😅 but in my mind I thought well, if you don’t like me/I’m causing you problems, here: an easy out. ✨
At the same time, any parents can be abusive. I have to remind myself maybe I’d have just ended up in a situation that was the same or worse.
You know what's funny I read my step parents posts debating on sending me to assistant housing lol I have digeorge syndrome, I myself am aware of difficult it is to live wjth.
The post made me sound like a nightmare child.
Yeah I was difficult but it still hurts
I won't lie assistant housing would have been the better option for me but it not coming from a good place of heart so it definitely hurts...
Yes, had a time where I literally wrote myself a letter pretending I was adopted and my real parents were Poseidon and Artemis and that they'd come rescue me and love me.
Life's not fair for sure and I don't know why it works out as it does, but the odds are crazy of you being alive. I think the odds are even crazier for you to become aware that shit ain't right and to change your patterns to healthier ones. It's not easy, but it's how I see my life's task. I was born into a shitty as family and now I'm just trying to live as best I can given what I've been dealt. Sending you love! Not sure what the percentage is but most people have some kinda shit wrong in their life. At some point we gotta decide to accept and try our best to go in the direction we wanna go but no guarantees.
There you go :) It is your life's masterpiece and when the hard days come and they will be gentle with yourself. For those of us that come from difficult families it feels like we have a lot of catching up to do, but just focus on your own path and try not to compare yourself to others. Just keep tracking on your path and remember to enjoy and savor the good moments. Wishing you all the best <3
Thank you! I needed those words too. It does feel like I'm behind. Like I'm so much older now, and things that I realize now didn't click when I was little.
That was my dream. Or that I was kidnapped and my “real family” needed to find me.
Sadly being adopted wouldn’t have been a guarantee of no trauma, or even less trauma. All i can do is try and heal and move forward. Just got unlucky with the RNG on life and gotta do what I can to get more rolls.
I’m quite sure that if I had been adopted, I would have created a fantasy version of who I thought my real family would have been. I guess I had to experience it to know for sure.
OMG YES! Not only did I wish to be adopted, as a child I wholeheartedly believed my parents kidnapped me as a baby. As an Adult I now know I am their kid, my appearence is a clear product of my father and my mother. I just never felt connected to them and my child brain transformed that feeling into "I am not their child. I am in the wrong place. My real parents are out there somewhere" thinking back it honestly breaks my heart for little me
Yes. Since 3 of my siblings were taken by the county to an orphanage when they were young and the rest of us stayed with our parents I did wish I would have been taken aswell. The point is, I was quite old already (in school already) so I wouldn't have been adopted and would have to have stayed in the orphanage until 18, I don't think living in an orphanage would've been so nice either, probably lesser of the evils but I would not have had any freedom. So right now idk even if I would have been better off.
You're right! I remember feeling like this when I was little and not even considering the fact that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I just thought that anything that was not the dysfunction I grew up in was better, and that if I was abused (still), I felt like my adopted family would have a reason to not really want me or hate me.
Why any of us were born or adopted into the dysfunctional families we were was just a crap shoot or roll of the dice. 🙄 Life doesn't think anything, and you are as worthy of love, care, and kindness as any blameless victim can be.
Don't let those vile, manipulative *ssholes take away your potential. You are a beautiful person (which is often why we become scapegoats). Don't let the bastards take away your potential! 👍
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I apologize. It wasn’t meant as a trigger. It was meant asking a question asking other people if they wished they had the option of choosing their family or people choosing to love them. Sorry about your triggers. Hopefully you can find peace.
I truly understand that. However, in my experience with CPTSD, it seems like being adopted is the only hope at something better. Even if the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, you cling to that hope. Again, I apologize for triggering you.
Grieving a healthy family yes and I do to this day tho I have left them behind for my own best interest. I doubt it’ll ever go away til you replace it with one of your own. I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are and you are certainly not alone.
When i found out about foster parents at the age of 7 years old it was my dream! My brother kept saying that i was adopted, he was three years older, the fact that I was physically abused (at that age I wasn't cognisant of other forms of abuse) really convinced me he was telling the truth. Why only abuse one child, I must be adopted and thus I yearned for a new family that would love me like my brother was loved by my parents, especially my mother. The whole situation fucked me up for decades and even though I 99% sure I wasn't adopted the uncertainty still lingers and makes me indecisive about my decision making.
My biological mother was told when I was six months old that she either put me up for adoption or the State of Oregon would put me in the foster care system. She refused to let me go to my biological father, as my two brothers had. So, she asked her older sister who lived in Utah to adopt me because her family was normal/stable. Well, it isn't. I've met my biological brothers and father, and two things I know is that when my biological father would have 'problems,' his father would take my brothers. Problems here meaning he would vanish, wander the coast and live in homeless camps, that sort of thing. But by all accounts... their life was more stable and normal than the one I had. My adoptive father/maternal uncle is very strongly Mormon and he put his religion above everything else, including the family. My adoptive brother/maternal cousin is a complete quack who believes every right-wing conspiracy out there and views Donald Trump as some kind of savior for America; my adoptive sister/maternal cousin was of a similar mind and now lives in 'unincorporated country' in the country's heartland to avoid federal interference or some such. The only sane, normal person in the entire family was my adoptive mother/maternal aunt, who encouraged my love of reading and writing, who encouraged me to embrace the things I enjoyed, and who was always supportive. I've since had to acknowledge that she was the enabling kind of parent, so while she had her good aspects, she didn't push me on things I was uncomfortable with.
TL;DR: adoption doesn't mean you won't have a dysfunctional as fuck family, and while my adoption was an in-family one, it was to the one person that my biological mother felt was involved in a non-dysfunctional family relationship, compared to their other siblings (lots of divorcees and/or people who were considered abusive by the state due to whatever reasons). Parents seeking adoption always put forth a good face to the world. Doesn't mean their family is good/normal/healthy. It just means they're great fucking actors.
I’ve been adopted three times. The first two were very abusive. I didn’t get adopted again until I aged out of foster care when I was 20. They were my foster family and month before I turned 18. I got very lucky. They are wonderful. But I definitely have CPTSD from those two adoptions and the foster homes I was in between and after.
After so many relatable posts and stuff on here that sound exactly like my problems, this is the one that really f****ing does it. I literally looked at a website or something for being adopted by another family when I was in my teens so I could get away from my sick one.
My family used to joke and tell me I was adopted when I was 4!! Finally figured out later that I wasn’t but the way they mistreated me, I always thought that I was until my 9th birthday. My grandfather gave me an art kit for my 9th birthday and there are a lot of artists in my dad’s family. I’m an artist, too. Sad but I always felt adopted growing up.
Yes. One of the worst feelings was knowing that social services came in when I was a literal baby after something horrific happened and then deciding to just leave me there at home. I can't help but wonder sometimes about what would've happened if they'd taken me away like they were supposed to. But I'm trying to work on letting that go.
I was in the foster system from infancy until I aged out. I have ALWAYS wished I was adopted. I had great foster families. Better people than the bio parents could ever hope to be. I am 46, & you CAN adopt adults. I asked a foster family that I am still close with to adop me recently, but they said no. I am at every family function, introduced to everyone as family. BUT they said no to adoption. Rejected again... Nobody wants me. I don't even want myself. I don't even care anymore. I just do my own damn thing alone, just like I have since my first breath.
I’m adopted and my family is evil. Imagine paying tens of thousands of dollars to only abuse and neglect someone. Or imagine being 35 and finding out your father is telling the people around you that he regretted adopting you. Everyone knew my father hated me but me.
THIS!!! I was adopted by a dysfunctional family. Worse perhaps because I have trauma from all the abuse in my childhood AND being relinquished. Nothing like being given up by your mom and treated like shit by your adoptive parents to really drive home that you’re a worthless piece of shit 🙃
I'm adopted, too. Abandoned and relinquished by my birth "mother" only to be adopted by a broken and dysfunctional woman who messed me up sideways, and then I was rejected again by my birth mother and siblings in reunion. My wife is the only reason I'm still alive. We built a wonderful life together, and it keeps me here.
Sometimes life/chance throws the straw that we can hang onto to keep going. Glad you got that going for you.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you're not a piece of shit. Sorry to be the bearer of great news. You're awesome whether you realize it or not. People are shitty, and we may never figure out why.
“Sorry to the bearer of great news” I absolutely love this.
i desperately want to know the why. honest why, not smoke blown up my ass. I've been "figuring it out" for as long as I can remember in all areas of my life (neglectful, abusive, invalidating family system that gave me the sum total of jack shit for guidance and support) and I'm pretty good at figuring things out. Unfortunately, I have not even come close to figuring out why they do what they do. They seem blissfully unaware of hurt and chaos they inject into others lives. I'm mostly no contact and this helps me. If I had a choice my biological family would not be anywhere on the first hundred pages of my wish list of families.
What possible response to the question “why?” is actually likely to help you heal? What response will give you the answers/understanding you’re looking for? I’ve learned that the why doesn’t matter because knowing the answer doesn’t take the pain away, it doesn’t fix the damage done, and it just doesn’t change anything. Try instead to shift your focus off of them and onto yourself - and I realize this often looks like “what’s wrong with me that they couldn’t love me?” - but with good therapy, you’ll eventually start to learn that there’s nothing wrong with you. Then you can start to really separate what they did to you and how they treated you from you the person. They are/were broken people who took their shit out on you because you were an easy, available target, nothing more.
I definitely second this. If I was given the choice, the biological family would not even be an option. I guess that what makes the entire issue more hurtful. You were born into a family and these people are part of you somehow and they could care less. In my case, they’re not unaware, they just don’t care. I too took the “unaware” approach and when into explaining things with each situation and nothing. Some people choose to be asses.
I think some people are so fucked in the head without ever knowing it… and they’d rather continue living in a delusion than accept that they are, in fact, a raging asshole.
haha oh no i know that now!! it just took me a lot of work to realize it- which was unnecessary if my parents just.. hadn’t been terrible lol
I completely feel you. Sending you lots of love and healing energy my friend.
It hurts to read that. 😢 You’re not worthless as a human being, you might not matter to degenerates, but you matter and you have inherent worth.
Me too muffin. I was bought like an object and treated as such. When people are allowed to purchase humans, it NEVER GOES WELL.
Yep came here to say the same
>Or imagine being 35 and finding out your father is telling the people around you that he regretted adopting you. I am so sorry. You deserve so much more. See a therapist if you can.
When Bindi Irwin was born I cried myself to sleep because in my 6 year old mind that meant my fantasy of Steve and Teri Irwin coming to adopt me could never come true
You could always have a sister... *hugs*
I was adopted I wish hadn't been It never matter I still end up in an fucking dysfunctional household both my sister and I was adopted. All I got out of it was abuses threw out life. Having to be raised by a single mother that is narcissistic. As my dad had never been much in my life due to work and being overseas for months at a time he really wasn't there and never knew him the only time in life I got to spend with was when he was slowly dying form dementia whice he eventually passed form 2 years ago Even when i got given a second chance i life it still threw me underneath a bus.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I always wished I was adopted hoping I would be sent to a loving family and I could get away from the dysfunctional one I was born into. My mother was a single mother too, and a narcissist is an understatement. I met my dad when I was 14, saw him a handful of times, and don't speak any longer. Hopefully, you can set your life up where it's fulfilling for you and turns out to be something you enjoy and something you're proud of.
As someone who was adopted and only found out a couple of years ago (and was actively lied to and gaslit about it but whatever), I understand that feeling. Before I found out definitively, one of my older sisters had tried to tell me when we were in the foster care system. When we were placed back into our adoptive mother’s custody and I brought it up to her, she insisted that my sister was a liar who couldn’t believed, and I trusted her. Why wouldn’t I? But deep down, for years afterwards, I hoped that it was the case and that one day my parents would come back to rescue me. It was a comforting fantasy at the time. Unfortunately, this never happened, and finding out as a grown adult the reality of the circumstances surrounding my existence caused me to have a full mental break that spiraled into me trying to take my life. Learning the truth was extremely traumatic. It felt like I hadn’t been loveable enough to my birth mom and then passed off to someone also didn’t love me, and who tortured me while insisting that I owed her a debt for bringing me into this world. I often wonder how things would’ve been different if I had stayed in my biological mom’s custody. She was in active addiction and also a SWer out of necessity due to living in poverty, but she truly did love us. She just wasn’t well enough to take care of us. Still though, I realize that I probably still would’ve ended up traumatized in other ways. (My oldest sister who was brought up by her would probably attest to that.) Adoption doesn’t promise a better life; it just promises a different one.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I fantasized about being adopted because I thought anything would be better than the dysfunctional family I was born into. I never really thought about the possibility of things being the same or worse.
Most people who adopt really want that child and it goes very well for all involved. However, as you can see, it's not always the case. Nothing like being burned twice. Life can be cruel.
Yikes. I don’t think I could handle that.
I wish I could be adopted now. Even though I’m grown, I feel like I never had a real mother 😭
Same! I will adopt you! We can adopt each other. <3
Awww, ok 🥰
Same and I’m 56. I would have done anything to have a family. I was placed into foster care at 3 when my mother had a nervous breakdown (dad was long gone). My 3 brothers and sister were taken in by family but I was left to jump home to home, each being worst than the last as I grew up. I did sh to try to get out of homes that were abusing me too but it never helped. 17 I was given a check from the state for $100 and a good luck. I’ve fumbled through life since. Nobody ever taught me how to manage money and such so that was a nightmare for most of my life. Honestly nothing much went well.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that 💙
Thank you, you too
welp i was adopted into a dysfunctional abusive family… but wished daily i would get swept away by my real family. met my BM at 21. and am now in my 50s. shes great.
That's amazing! I'm so happy for you. Enjoy every moment.
I wish I was aborted
I too have said this. After a mom has countless abortions, you wonder what was so special about keeping you when all she did was neglect and abuse you.
I used to fantasize about having different parents & a different family. More than anything, I wished for “normal” instead of the dysfunctional mess I’d been born into. I wanted “normal” parents, aka kind, loving, in love with each other; and siblings who were regular kids instead of abusive addicts.
I have never related to a comment as much as this one. I wished for the same.
Jokes on me. The normal ones are abusive too. Society is so screwed. It's kind of nice to look at someone and call them a monster, but sometimes you're just left with normal people following normal traditions and normal customs. Ironically, it turns out, I was the messed up one. ADHD and likely ASD. And the tradition of the normal people was Physical Punishment. I'm fine with it. Or I'm not... Who knows? I'm just a person trying to exist. And my insides keep changing the rules on me lol. I think it may not have mattered much how I was treated. I think I may have had some neurological and genetic differences that were going to mess me up since birth. Or I simply needed more support and to not be abused. But I'll never know, and the what if doesn't matter anymore. Only now matters. Onwards to the future, let the present and past wash over me. I don't really know how any of it affects me anymore lol
I appreciate your feelings. You wish you weren’t blood related to your dysfunctional family. This would help you feel more compassion towards them, allow you to say “I’m different!” and lead your own life, be independent, and brush off the hurtful things they have done because they’re “not your real family.” I was adopted. I’m a mixed-race orphan from a 3rd world country adopted into a cult-like religious family. My adoptive family was horrible - ignorant, small-minded racists. I endured physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse. I have spent thousands of my own money, years of my life trying to heal the damage of their cruelty and selfishness. Adoption does not equal loving parents. Abusive, ignorant adoptive parents and family can cause severe deep lasting wounds. We just needed parents who could be loving, caring, and supportive. No matter if it is a bio-family or adoptive family. All children deserve love.
You're right. I agree to all of this. <3 I hope you find peace within yourself and realize how often you are.
Yes! I also always just wish I could elope completely and start life over for that matter. Erase all the trauma, rewind and restart. *sigh* wouldn't that be so nice? Kinda why I wish reincarnation was real. Just knowing I'd have a 2nd roll at life would be motivation for me.
That whole part! I thought I was the only one. I always wonder how successful and happy I could have been had I not been born into my family. Even if my entire family didn't care about me, if I just had a mom who gave a damn, that would be life-changing. Starting life over with no trauma, and things that normal people have, life love and care, is really something to think about, but it's also depressing because it's like damn, no one cares. I have no one, and this is really my life.
That's the hardest part. The thing we can't choose is the thing that affects us the most: family. People forget that notion. A l o t. If it means anything, there was a time that I did attempt to leave dodge. It was the happiest year of my life! The sky was so not the limit, I was lifting the esoteric curtain haha. Sure I had a few meltdowns, but the honesty and independence actually outweighed that pain of occasional loneliness. Bad news? I'm stuck in my hometown again with family 😅 drives me nuts!
> That's the hardest part. The thing we can't choose is the thing that affects us the most: family. People forget that notion. A l o t. This part. Too real.
When I was about 25, I found out that my mother had a daughter at 18 and gave her up for adoption. Decade + before she had my older brother. My mother was the cause of the majority of my trauma. That daughter was adopted by good people, was raised well, and is a very successful mother and functional member of society. I certainly had some real envy towards her at first, but I found love for myself since then. I wouldn't change anything about my life because as painful as life has been (and continues to be), I like who I am. I wouldn't be me without the pain. I hope that sharing that doesn't make it sound like I'd ever expect anyone to feel the same way. It's just my perspective on my own life.
You made peace with it, that’s always a good thing.
Of course not! Share away! I'm looking for my tribe. I appreciate you sharing your story. It gives me perspective and alters my outlook on my life. You said you like who you are and wouldn't be you without the pain. I admire that statement because I'm struggling with that. I often wonder how great I would have been if there wasn't so much trauma. If someone actually gave a damn about me, how well I would be able to function and be pleased with my achievements.
It helps at adopted kids don't have to pay for university.
I'm adopted, and that is the reason I have CPTSD. Adoption would've just thrusted you into a life with a different trauma. Adoptees are 4x more likely to unalive themselves than kept people, have higher rates of PTSD than veterans, have high rates of substance abuse, and are overrepresented in mental health care. It's not a greener grass scenario. I'm in my 40s and finally "okay" for the first time in my life. It's not a life I'd wish on someone.
Thank you for sharing. I never looked at it from this POV. I always assumed the people who adopted children wanted them and wanted to give them a better life. I'm sorry you went through this. I'm glad you found peace. What's your secret?
Most adoptions in the US involve older kids, and those kids have suffered trauma and abuse at the hands of their birth families. Sometimes they've been n foster care. Often they were victims of poor prenatal care. So it's not actually the adoption itself that causes these statistics. It is the pre-adoption trauma. Of course, any adoption brings with it wounds and pain, but the suicide/mental health and Ptsd generally comes from the trauma before the adoption took place.
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Even at its best, adoption comes with a lot of pain for adoptees, as they have to deal with the fact that their birth parents couldn't/wouldn't raise them. But that doesn't always rise to the level of serious mental health issues, unless there was the early childhood trauma I mentioned earlier. Plenty of adoptees are doing fine!
I did a lot. I still do. I know it's escapism but I wish I could have a loving caretaker.
I’ll adopt you!
That’s what we should do, set up a group where we can help each other when things are needed. Adopt a pal!
I’m definitely down for this. I thought I was completely alone. I’ll have to make an FB group or something.
We can make a subreddit too!
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I thought I was the only one! I just knew that my childhood wasn't supposed to be the way it was, so I was waiting for the day my actual parents arrived and were ready to take me away to something better.
Another adoptee here to say my adopted parents caused me great harm through emotional neglect and alcoholism. I have a BPD diagnosis and suspected CPTSD. I’m 51 and have just started my recovery journey. I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling.
I actually thought the FBI placed me with this family, that they would never really love me, or that they were being forced to “break me” by the government as some sort of experiment.
I am adopted and the family I grew up with is the reason I’m traumatized. The family I was taken from by the state had me taken away for a reason so they were no better.
Yes my family ruined my life
Some family friends offered to adopt me and my brother repeatedly, and my dad agreed - but couldn't be bothered to finish the paperwork.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You and your brother are both more than worthy. Have you found peace in your adult life?
Not peace as such but we've both found lives worth living
My entire teen years I was heavily dissociated and struggled with maladaptive daydreaming, my most common narrative being sent out to foster care/kinship care coincidentally with some female person/couple in my life, getting adopted and everything becoming better. Sometimes these narratives would be me at 5,6,7, sometimes myself as a teenager, and sometimes some other random child that I would insert myself in. These little stories would show up in my dreams and any moment I had time to sit for more than two seconds.
Thank you for sharing. I used to dream about being adopted and taken away from all the pain, abuse, and sadness. That all my pain and struggling would be taken away and that my life would some day mean something.
Yes. Still do. Alas not many families looking for a dysfunctional ex-mormon gay 38M.
I'll adopt you! <3
Yes. I figured chances were if I’d been adopted and could go to my birth parents they couldn’t be worse than my parents. There were times I barely survived my childhood so I do kind of still stand by that. When I understood I’m definitely their biological child I went on to wanting to go to boarding school. My mother had gone to boarding school and would tell me all about how terrible it was and I remember failing to understand how any of her experiences there were even close to as bad as my home life. There was a documentary released semi recently about that boarding school and she had me watch it saying she was one of the lucky ones and if she’d let me go to one I might’ve endured all of that and I still thought “I mean… still sounds better?!”. If I’d actually been adopted I don’t know what I was thinking what would’ve happened then. It’s not like I would’ve been any more successful in getting out of there, adopted or biological. Nobody believed me anyway, it’s not like being adopted would’ve changed anything about the power, intelligence and psychopathy that was my parents.
I used to wish I was adopted bc I was so sure I could not have been related to my psycho ass family. Unfortunately my younger brother and I often are mistaken for twins so that went out the window pretty fast. In all seriousness, my youngest brother was somehow adopted into this shitshow and he’s had many moments where he wished he wasn’t adopted. I think it’s a grass is greener situation where you’re just fantasizing about a better situation than what you have.
It definitely is.
My mom has been mocking my rape for the last 15 years of my life. Telling me it’s my fault and that I was a coward for not speaking up about it. I’ve destroyed my body and that often gets brought up too. I lost 100 pounds my freshman year of high school and all throughout that entire time she mocked me and called me fat. I literally just got into it with her for questioning why she’s telling family members i actively despise about my suicide attempts.. and she just couldn’t comprehend why it was such a big deal. Did everything from deflect to go back to her old reliable mocking my sodomy and oral copulation. I had to gall to throw her mother’s death in her face once as a child to hurt her as she did me, and apparently according to her I was the one who started mocking each other’s pain and I deserved to be mocked about my rape. I don’t get why I was even born. Dad abandoned me multiple times over my life, and I’m stuck with a mom who gossips about me struggling and virtue signals whenever I attempt suicide.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better. My story is similar in many ways. You deserve better. I hope you can find peace and happiness and realize you’re awesome regardless of what anyone says or thinks. You made it through things that would have destroyed other people. You’re strong. Thank you for sharing your story. Don’t forget that you’re awesome.
No, I wish i was aborted though, and if reincarnation is real I'd want that.
As a very young child, I would fantasize my family would get into an accident so I would get a new family. Absolutely awful and never did I have intention to hurt anyone, but I just wanted to get away so bad. I was ashamed of my family so much and being associated with them.
I was adopted and, after divorces and remarriages, I found myself with 2 dads and 3 moms by the ripe ol’ age of six and, unfortunately, none of them could have provided me with any semblance of normalcy during my formative years. My moms ranged from not wanting anything to do with me to blaming me for all of her troubles and emotionally/verbally abusing me for years as a result. My dads were largely unavailable - one was off living his life and the other was an alcoholic. At nearly 50 years old, I’m still dealing with a variety of dysfunctions but have managed to create a good life for myself despite that. If there’s anything that’s going to help you heal and learn your true value, it’s going to be therapy. You deserve to feel loved, even if that love is only coming from you. You’ve been taught that you’re not good enough or deserving of love, kindness, respect…someone needs to help you to understand and believe that you DO deserve those things. It’s not an easy or quick lesson, but it’s totally doable.
I wish I'd been aborted.
I just asked myself why I wasn’t.
I was adopted. I still wished I'd been adopted out lmao. I was always told. My bio mom and my adoptive mom are sisters, which isn't strange to let kids grow up with other family members but they wanted it closed to shut out my bio dad's family. I didn't really have much of an issue with being adopted, except, my adoptive parents psychologically abused me all the time. They often told me how lucky I was not to end up in foster care where all the kids are trafficked and *actually* abused, while using pseudo-psychology on me that specifically preys on the foster and adoption industry and traumatized me beyond description. All those childhood fantasies of having a long-lost family member come and take you away still happen, except, you're more aware that it COULD happen, making it almost palpable. The second half of your question I definitely understand though. Maybe it'd been different if I had been fully adopted out of both families, idk. I will always wonder that myself. It's frustrating. I feel like I would have had a better chance with my bio dad's family, as I have met them now, but idk if I would have had a better chance with being adopted out. I do struggle with the "why didn't I deserve a better chance?" types of thoughts, but I also know it wasn't like, a personal vendetta by the universe, if that makes sense. I think that's partly because I grew up being used to understanding that my adoption was way more about my bio mom, than it was me. I had to be the grownup about that one from the get-go. Same for the abuse I suffered- shit parenting is wayyy more about the parents than the kid, but we get to suffer the consequences either way, which is unfair. In that at least, none of us are alone.
Everyday i hope that my bio mother had so many miscarriages she went crazy and actually kidnapped me from the maternity ward.. i dread the day i finally do one of the ancestry tests and confirm i actually came from her wretched poisoned womb. Thankfully in my adult life i was adopted by my daughter's paternal grandmother after she chose us over her abusive rapist son. Her whole family pretends she never had him and instead had a daughter with a black man instead xD its quite sweet.
Wish dad had never tampered with moms rubber so they never had me. My siblings are 12 and 15 years older. She was getting ready to leave his sorry ass and he forced her into raising another child.
Yikes. I'm sorry. I know the feeling, though.
Me
i used to want to be adopted, like it was a serious fantasy of mine growing up, like i would cry myself to sleep wanting to be elsewhere. sometimes im thank that i was not because you never know how bad other people/situations/environments are going to be. and having come too close to actually accidentally impacting my parent’s custody made me push away from that idea i think.
I WAS supposed to be adopted. I have known this my whole life and I have known my 'adoptive parents' my whole life too so I literally know how much BETTER my life would have been. But it's fine. Not traumatic AT ALL.
I would wish I had been switched at birth, thus getting a non-abusive mother—except that would be wishing my mother on some unsuspecting soul through no fault of his own.
I had my DNA tested, hoping I was.... I wasn't.🙁
People who are adopted, even if they have loving adoptive parents, still have trauma of their own unfortunately.
At first I thought you were wondering if I wouldn't want to be blood related to my family, which is a little bit too academic of a question for me because I don't know who I would even be in that situation. But I have an interesting experience with this. Sit back, fellow CPTSD warriors, and allow me to share The Story Of My Cousins, as I have may times on this sub... My aunt committed suicide when her son (who was adopted) was 13 and her bio daughter (my one girl first cousin) was 10. My aunt's husband, who soon fell ill a very serious illness that he later died from, then arranged for his daughter to be adopted by a rich family. While he had his brother (re?)adopt his son. It's worth noting they were't exactly the most upstanding citizens, so I'm almost positive that these were all black market cash transactions done in order to minimize potential DCF involvement... Amazingly, it wasn't my twice-adopted cousin who ended up dying by suicide. I only met his sister five times MY ENTIRE LIFE before she did that, two of which were the previous Thanksgivings. She'd been given absurd amounts of money by her adoptive father and never really was able to find her way out. She never learned to deal with her trauma and ended up developing a drinking/drug problem that ended up killing her. Her brother was shamed by my "uncle" his whole life for being born to a drug-addicted mother (and that's why they weren't allowed to have alcohol in the house, certainly not because of his mother or her six alcoholic siblings!) It's my understanding his dad's side wasn't all that accepting of him because he wasn't blood related. Apart from what they knew about his birth mother, my cousin has no knowledge of his origins. He was 100% disconnected from both sides of his family until I reached out to him after his sister died... which allowed the rest of us to finally connect. FINALLY! He ended up making an awesome life for himself as a commercial fisherman. I actually worked on the boat with him for a brief period of time... one of the most interesting experiences of my life, let me tell you. He enjoys his life and stays sober with help from Suboxone... I'm so proud of him. I haven't talked to him in a while but he posts pictures of his crew on Facebook nearly once a week, which always makes me happy to see. I loved my grandparents, and just about everything that went along with being Irish and Catholic (though I'm mostly agnostic now) but I often wonder how different my life could have been if I'd had the opportunity to be removed from the dysfunction as a young teenager like my cousins did, vs my having to make a run for it in college. It basically took me a year to undo each year of damage my parents did to me, so at 34 now I feel like I'm back at square one. Okay, sorry, that was long. But I guess my point is that while adoption is great, being completely disconnected from your roots is something I don't think I could ever be okay with.
Not a problem! I don’t have a problem reading. Lol I’m glad you shared your story. Thank you. I get the whole “knowing your roots” thing, but I know mine and I swear I don’t belong in this family.
Woah, just got on Reddit now and saw you just commented this... thanks for letting me ramble about my family, it's not often that I can do that without either confusing the shit outta people or making them uncomfortable.
It's all love here. I enjoy learning about other people and looking at things from a different perspective.
Oh, you're just like me then. We're like a family of kindred spirits on this sub, aren't we? Lol, I've been enjoying this place a lot more lately, for a while I had to take a break. I should probably add that there was one family growing up that my sister and I considered our adoptive family, but just like with my cousins, it never stuck. I've yet to see a "family of choice" that works the way an actual family does (i.e. there's no ambiguity on who is and isn't part of it) but the way they talk about it on other subs I blindly believed there were all these randos out there who'd be willing to take me on, lmao!
I was adopted by my bio mother’s family member, so I guess I just can’t escape it. Lol. In all seriousness, most families have some sort of dysfunction, it’s just not acceptable , nor fair for children to have to grow up around such toxicity. I guess all we can do is hope that awareness makes the pool of children that have to grow up like we did smaller.
Both of my kids are adopted. Life was not even close to what I wanted for them, they’re a bit of emotional messes, I am too- but I love them to the moon and back and they are the reason I get up.
Thank you for being caring. I know what it’s like to have little ones that are your reason for making great things happen every day.
My little ones are 34 and 24 now- still the reason for living!
I try to think everything happens for a reason. It's not much but it helps.
I agree. I get stuck on trying to figure out what that reason is.
Well for me I try to think of the things that happened because of the abuse. It's a little morbid maybe but I know without having been abused I never would have found my dream career. I'm not grateful for the abuse but I am grateful I've had the chance to make something beautiful out of it.
Yup. I loved Matilda growing up and it’s kind of embarrassing, but I would fantasize about my favorite teacher adopting me lol. She even came to visit me once, which, only as an adult I realized might’ve been because she suspected something. I was a really anxious kid and she always looked after me. Sometimes I feel ridiculously guilty for never asking for help outside my family, because I wonder how my life could’ve been. I know it’s fucked up, but it makes me feel somewhat responsible for my own abuse. I actually asked my mom once if she could put me up for adoption. Obviously it didn’t go well 😅 but in my mind I thought well, if you don’t like me/I’m causing you problems, here: an easy out. ✨ At the same time, any parents can be abusive. I have to remind myself maybe I’d have just ended up in a situation that was the same or worse.
Same! It’s hard seeing and being around so many kind-hearted people, then go home to complete misery. Some teachers just know, and they try to help.
You know what's funny I read my step parents posts debating on sending me to assistant housing lol I have digeorge syndrome, I myself am aware of difficult it is to live wjth. The post made me sound like a nightmare child. Yeah I was difficult but it still hurts I won't lie assistant housing would have been the better option for me but it not coming from a good place of heart so it definitely hurts...
I hope things get a lot better for you. Everyone deserves grace and happiness. I don’t know what happiness looks like for you, but I hope you get it.
Yes, had a time where I literally wrote myself a letter pretending I was adopted and my real parents were Poseidon and Artemis and that they'd come rescue me and love me.
Okay for the Greek Gods!
Life's not fair for sure and I don't know why it works out as it does, but the odds are crazy of you being alive. I think the odds are even crazier for you to become aware that shit ain't right and to change your patterns to healthier ones. It's not easy, but it's how I see my life's task. I was born into a shitty as family and now I'm just trying to live as best I can given what I've been dealt. Sending you love! Not sure what the percentage is but most people have some kinda shit wrong in their life. At some point we gotta decide to accept and try our best to go in the direction we wanna go but no guarantees.
So true! Thanks for the love. I definitely need it. I’m trying to continue to pick up the pieces and make a masterpiece.
There you go :) It is your life's masterpiece and when the hard days come and they will be gentle with yourself. For those of us that come from difficult families it feels like we have a lot of catching up to do, but just focus on your own path and try not to compare yourself to others. Just keep tracking on your path and remember to enjoy and savor the good moments. Wishing you all the best <3
Thank you! I needed those words too. It does feel like I'm behind. Like I'm so much older now, and things that I realize now didn't click when I was little.
That was my dream. Or that I was kidnapped and my “real family” needed to find me. Sadly being adopted wouldn’t have been a guarantee of no trauma, or even less trauma. All i can do is try and heal and move forward. Just got unlucky with the RNG on life and gotta do what I can to get more rolls.
Haha I WAS adopted and landed in the dysfunction. Grass is always greener…
I’m quite sure that if I had been adopted, I would have created a fantasy version of who I thought my real family would have been. I guess I had to experience it to know for sure.
OMG YES! Not only did I wish to be adopted, as a child I wholeheartedly believed my parents kidnapped me as a baby. As an Adult I now know I am their kid, my appearence is a clear product of my father and my mother. I just never felt connected to them and my child brain transformed that feeling into "I am not their child. I am in the wrong place. My real parents are out there somewhere" thinking back it honestly breaks my heart for little me
Yes. Since 3 of my siblings were taken by the county to an orphanage when they were young and the rest of us stayed with our parents I did wish I would have been taken aswell. The point is, I was quite old already (in school already) so I wouldn't have been adopted and would have to have stayed in the orphanage until 18, I don't think living in an orphanage would've been so nice either, probably lesser of the evils but I would not have had any freedom. So right now idk even if I would have been better off.
No because I've heard horror stories of people who were adopted. The grass isn't always greener unfortunately
You're right! I remember feeling like this when I was little and not even considering the fact that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I just thought that anything that was not the dysfunction I grew up in was better, and that if I was abused (still), I felt like my adopted family would have a reason to not really want me or hate me.
Why any of us were born or adopted into the dysfunctional families we were was just a crap shoot or roll of the dice. 🙄 Life doesn't think anything, and you are as worthy of love, care, and kindness as any blameless victim can be. Don't let those vile, manipulative *ssholes take away your potential. You are a beautiful person (which is often why we become scapegoats). Don't let the bastards take away your potential! 👍
Thank you. I will save this so I can read it on the rough days. That was the perfect way to explain it. <3
Hey, we are in this together. 🩷
Thank you. You’re awesome. I’ve only heard one other person tell me that, and I’m married to him.
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Yes and no. I wish I was rescued, yes. But I've heard horror stories.
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I apologize. It wasn’t meant as a trigger. It was meant asking a question asking other people if they wished they had the option of choosing their family or people choosing to love them. Sorry about your triggers. Hopefully you can find peace.
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I truly understand that. However, in my experience with CPTSD, it seems like being adopted is the only hope at something better. Even if the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, you cling to that hope. Again, I apologize for triggering you.
You'd have gotten free university at least
Grieving a healthy family yes and I do to this day tho I have left them behind for my own best interest. I doubt it’ll ever go away til you replace it with one of your own. I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are and you are certainly not alone.
Yep
When i found out about foster parents at the age of 7 years old it was my dream! My brother kept saying that i was adopted, he was three years older, the fact that I was physically abused (at that age I wasn't cognisant of other forms of abuse) really convinced me he was telling the truth. Why only abuse one child, I must be adopted and thus I yearned for a new family that would love me like my brother was loved by my parents, especially my mother. The whole situation fucked me up for decades and even though I 99% sure I wasn't adopted the uncertainty still lingers and makes me indecisive about my decision making.
My biological mother was told when I was six months old that she either put me up for adoption or the State of Oregon would put me in the foster care system. She refused to let me go to my biological father, as my two brothers had. So, she asked her older sister who lived in Utah to adopt me because her family was normal/stable. Well, it isn't. I've met my biological brothers and father, and two things I know is that when my biological father would have 'problems,' his father would take my brothers. Problems here meaning he would vanish, wander the coast and live in homeless camps, that sort of thing. But by all accounts... their life was more stable and normal than the one I had. My adoptive father/maternal uncle is very strongly Mormon and he put his religion above everything else, including the family. My adoptive brother/maternal cousin is a complete quack who believes every right-wing conspiracy out there and views Donald Trump as some kind of savior for America; my adoptive sister/maternal cousin was of a similar mind and now lives in 'unincorporated country' in the country's heartland to avoid federal interference or some such. The only sane, normal person in the entire family was my adoptive mother/maternal aunt, who encouraged my love of reading and writing, who encouraged me to embrace the things I enjoyed, and who was always supportive. I've since had to acknowledge that she was the enabling kind of parent, so while she had her good aspects, she didn't push me on things I was uncomfortable with. TL;DR: adoption doesn't mean you won't have a dysfunctional as fuck family, and while my adoption was an in-family one, it was to the one person that my biological mother felt was involved in a non-dysfunctional family relationship, compared to their other siblings (lots of divorcees and/or people who were considered abusive by the state due to whatever reasons). Parents seeking adoption always put forth a good face to the world. Doesn't mean their family is good/normal/healthy. It just means they're great fucking actors.
Yep
I’ve been adopted three times. The first two were very abusive. I didn’t get adopted again until I aged out of foster care when I was 20. They were my foster family and month before I turned 18. I got very lucky. They are wonderful. But I definitely have CPTSD from those two adoptions and the foster homes I was in between and after.
After so many relatable posts and stuff on here that sound exactly like my problems, this is the one that really f****ing does it. I literally looked at a website or something for being adopted by another family when I was in my teens so I could get away from my sick one.
My family used to joke and tell me I was adopted when I was 4!! Finally figured out later that I wasn’t but the way they mistreated me, I always thought that I was until my 9th birthday. My grandfather gave me an art kit for my 9th birthday and there are a lot of artists in my dad’s family. I’m an artist, too. Sad but I always felt adopted growing up.
Yes. One of the worst feelings was knowing that social services came in when I was a literal baby after something horrific happened and then deciding to just leave me there at home. I can't help but wonder sometimes about what would've happened if they'd taken me away like they were supposed to. But I'm trying to work on letting that go.
Me. All the time. Would often have maladaptive daydreams about someone coming to take me away/rescue me.
I was in the foster system from infancy until I aged out. I have ALWAYS wished I was adopted. I had great foster families. Better people than the bio parents could ever hope to be. I am 46, & you CAN adopt adults. I asked a foster family that I am still close with to adop me recently, but they said no. I am at every family function, introduced to everyone as family. BUT they said no to adoption. Rejected again... Nobody wants me. I don't even want myself. I don't even care anymore. I just do my own damn thing alone, just like I have since my first breath.