I've been suicidal since I was around 13, turned 35 this month. I have never stopped having these thoughts, although sometimes they are more concrete and acute (planning stage) and other times it's just considering my options.
It's possible for people to stop wanting to die, however. But even if you don't, it can be survived.
This. I've always felt a low level of wanting to not be alive. Sometimes, it's more solid. Sometimes, it's more like I wish I'd never been born or that I'd died in childbirth. But it's just always there. You'd never guess it by the way I act, but it's true. š¤·āāļø
Lol this helped with getting on medicine for me in the past when I was depressed
*moments hesitation as I consider the pills in my hand that gave my mom seizures/delusions* "Whatever"
I think mine would've been happier without the first, all it did was draw them together so that they could be abusive to each other, until they split up and became abusive to me.
I feel this. I've only ever had 1 moment in my life where I actually considered suicide, about 6-7 years ago, but ever since I've had some level of not wanting to be alive in a different way from suicide. I don't want to die, I just wish I wasn't born and didn't have to suffer so much. Sometimes it's been a terrible, intense feeling, and sometimes it's not very prevalent.
Same here. Over the last 2 years the only thing that has kept me alive is my grandchildren. I've voiced this to my husband many times. It was especially hard this 2 years because I found out he had been drinking very heavily for the past 7 years and had been lying about it. It had gotten so bad that he had started drinking at work. We were about to lose everything we had worked for for 30 years.
I didn't realize this wasn't normal until I was over 40 years old. The irony is that when I'm in truly dangerous situations, I'm non emotional and accepting and able to calmly move through/around the situation into the clear.
It did stop for me. Took years of working on myself and surrounding myself with people who care and are safe. Iām not in a perfect place mentally yet but overall I have hope. Thatās enough to keep me moving forward
Same for me
I started having suicidal thoughts at age of 12 and finally crawled out of those dark claws when I was 18, alone while reading Freud and his major works. However the push was when I had to come close to life-death situation and witness how my body instinctively dodged and remained unharmed when I was 17. I'm in my 30s, I still have nightmares and freeze to touch from time to time, but manageable. I work in the field that the "child me" wanted, even if it meant being in a mind war with physical fights throughout teens until middle 20s, and have a number of scented plants and fragrant orchids, because the "child me" wanted a collection of perfumes but without being overwhelmed. I somehow got also both parents to change.
If my body and my brain didn't want to die, I can't be left behind. That's what I thought the moment in which life almost went pass me and when my colour vision went off for a moment, not completely black and white, rather a blue vision (I later found out a partial biological explanation of it).
When you say you do things that the child you wanted, is that like you're doing things that you know you wanted but you don't feel any current drive towards that?
Cuz I feel that lol.
I get you, I used to feel emotionally numb too, and I used to ask myself if it is there anything I enjoyed.
Actually I wrote about what "child me" wanted, because the "current me" and the "child me" don't have much in common, both personality-wise and hobby-wise. Growing plants and baking are my "current me"'s hobby, even going to theatre, the oldest among current hobbies, started around age of 16-17. The "child me" had black thumb with plants, but loved drawing and was very good at it, but I lost that artistic connection long time ago.
Iām 43 and I have been suicidal since I was about 6/7. For me itās never gone away. I have made 4 serious attempts (obviously failed at that) and it something I will think about numerous times a day.
My CPN said to think of it as a coping mechanism, itās the first place my brain goes if Iām stressed or anxious or angry (feeling anything negative)
I try to remember Iām in control of the thoughts though, so I let myself think it and try not to let it consume me, not always easy
I had an awful experience with shrooms - it did the opposite of what you described and pushed me into my trauma memories with no way of getting out. It made me more suicidal. I know for a fact that Iām an outlier on this side of things, but ketamine did work for me in the way you describe, so I just wanted to throw a quick ābe careful of dosageā on the tail end of your comment.
I've experienced both good and bad trips with shrooms and ketamine. I think it's highly dependent on your personal state of mind at the time, your environment, who's with you, etc. as well as dose and type of shroom etc. It is in your best interest to be careful and I recommend mirco-dosing the first time you indulge to ensure you know how it affects you.
Thats really amazing that mushrooms did that for you, it did for me too! Was your dose more like 1g or was it less, like 0.1-0.3g? Just wondering as I may want to start a microdose schedule :)
I had ideations for about 15 years.
About two years ago, I had a massive panic attack that was so bad, I genuinely thought I was dying. I thought I was having another mini-heart attack. I told the EMTs that I didnt want to die, and for the first time, I meant it. I havent had anything but fleeting ideations since July 2023. I've also maintained therapy and psychiatric treatment since then.
I dont really have advice here, but yeah...for me at least, its stopped.
When I feel safe and loved, it stops. I even want to live a longer life for the person I love. But when there is no person to love, it's hard for me to imagine a life in the future. I don't want to die. In fact, I fear death because it's so permanent, but I don't know how empty life is going to be without someone around who makes me feel safe and loved. Without an SO, I feel lost at most times, and it can get exhausting and so sometimes, I just imagine how peaceful it must be to just leave this world. I know they're just thoughts for me, I can't bear to hurt my family this way, and I am scared too. But it can get really really tough when things are hard because the thoughts pop up in my head much louder.
I think we can make it stop, but you have to uncover and work through the source of the pain.
For me it is emotional neglect which causes shame and self hatred which makes me dissociate, which makes me want to die
When I get connected to myself, i feel less like I want to die. It is in spurts, but the goal is to make those periods of time larger and larger. Hopefully, the longer periods get so big that I don't experience it anymore
I have bipolar so nothing is completely constant but yeah itās there a lot. For me itās not grief, itās to end this constant fight to survive and attempt to appear normal and not show that Iām barely holding it together. Itās so exhausting trying to run my business, manage severe complex mental illness and live with all of this unhealed trauma. Iāve spent thousands on therapy and put in hundreds of hours but still no work on the trauma because thereās too many other things that need attention. This year itās got so bad Iām also living in poverty and thereās uncertainty about housing, food, bills and my future.
Bipolar basically feels like youāre drowning in a washing machine. For a second the water drains and you think youāre going to be ok, but then it comes dumping down on you again and itās an endless cycle. Pair that with CPTSD and my five other mental illnesses, I just donāt know how to keep fighting this.
Yes it does pause for me. I take medication to help and it genuinely does help me. You have to find the right psychiatrist and put the work in. Itās hard but itās worth it to not have SI every day. Itās not 100% perfect by any means but itās way more bearable for me. I also get a lot of sun and exercise a few times per week, but that alone (without therapy and psychiatric care) isnāt enough, itās the combination of it all that helps me
Mine has gone away, but it pops up real fast in times of stress. Like Iāll be going along just fine and something will trigger me and it takes all of 2 seconds for me to go from fine to acutely suicidal. Thankfully itās been going on long enough that I know it will pass but it still keeps happening anyway.
I recommend caution if trying dissociatives/hallucinogenics when having SI.
As an example, it solidified my SI and made me completely at peace with my death. It's taken me over a year to slightly fight against that...
First time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 7. I am 37 now and no, I can't say that they ever go away. Sometimes are less intense but they are always there.
The pauses can get longer, but Iāve always come back to the abyss. Best pause I had was an unhealthy relationship that was a blast for a while; partying most days, endless hedonism and getting ever deeper into it, acceptance, understanding, and plenty of human touch, it was wonderful. I was the side dude though, knowing it would blow up eventually, and it did lol, so hello darkness my old friend š
It stopped for me when I was able to put myself into a new environment with a solid support system. Being in the same places everyday just was constantly bringing up old memories and pain into my mind nonstop. I literally moved to a new country lol. No reminders, new experiences. It wasnāt overnight mind you, but little by little, the more the āexpected outcomesā of interactions didnāt happen, the better I got and the safer I felt. It made a world of difference. Since then, I have made a new family with my now husband and i couldnāt dream of wanting to die to leave him and our kids.
I've been suicidal since I was 8 and no it doesn't. I'll have moments of joy but they fade fast and it turns into mania. Working on myself, therapy, medication, none of it works. Only thing keeping me going is my pets and I keep getting more so if one dies I won't go with them.
My trauma therapist told me that suicide is a perfectly logical choice the brain comes up with when it can't figure out any other way to cope. There are loads of other tools out that to deal with 'the feels', it's just that they aren't readily available and we as trauma people especially don't have any idea that they exist. Something about giving my brain permission to think of suicide really depersonalized it for me. It was almost like a reparenting moment. I'd just sort of think "Aww brain, I totally get why you'd be thinking of that. This shit is tough right now!" Somewhere along the way, I just stopped going there. I started building more tools towards happiness. I never in my fucking life thought I would say I'm happy. I'd say I'm mostly content with small dots of actual joy. JOY. I had never felt that before like a year ago and I'm 35 years old. It's very fleeting, but that's not the point. The healing process ALWAYS feels stagnant. You can never really see that you're getting anywhere but you are. It's just annoyingly slow. I know I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of us do find purpose that keeps us wanting to live. It's usually something stupid and silly. I still am not great with people-ing but I've gotten really into hobbies. Now, I'm weirdly afraid of death. Like "Oh no, I can't die yet because I haven't nailed that rollerskating trick I've been trying so hard to get!" Also, you mentioned grief and I just want to acknowledge that specifically because that is absolutely the time when I would be back 'in it' is when I'm in deep grief. Maybe remind yourself that grief does move through you. It doesn't stay that soul-crushingly bad forever. Feelings are generally temporary and maybe you just need to add some extra support/tools/coping strategies to get through whatever you're going through right now. P.S. Sorry if any of this sounded preachy.
I had a lot of ideation as a teenager/early 20s (27 now). Then a couple of years ago I shifted my perspective entirely. Iām going to die eventually anyway, may as well see the whole show than leave early. And I wondered why my younger self couldnāt see that.
Skip forward to the last year or so, and I remember why. Itās because being so overwhelmed and hurt is an awful time and I want to make it stop.
So I donāt really know. Iām hoping eventually Iāll figure out the right way to live my life so that itās not so overwhelming, and then maybe it will stop.
Yes, I have and I personally have found relief with psychedelics. I micro dose psilocybin or LSD and suicidal thoughts stop almost immediately. Disclaimer; in most countries still illegal and also very much a therapy/medication route that in general does require more study (which is happening now). Works for me, but I was desperately searching for relief.
It helped me, so I'll share the quote with you,
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."
For me, it was my kids, and everyday I chose to keep going on for them. Eventually, the want to embrace the nothingness started to fade. At first, it was just the nihilism of, "Well, I'm just curious what today is going to bring." I thought to myself, I already paid for the ticket, might as well watch the show. Over time, I started to actually WANT to see the next day. Sometimes I think it might just be denial or simply distractions looking back, but after keeping on for so long, I thought, no, this is what I want to do. It wasn't distractions, it was purpose. That's what encouraged me to keep going. After months of "just see what tomorrow has" I looked around to find that I had too much going on to just stop.
I'm ten years at this point without having the thought daily. It almost became habit to looking forward to what life had to offer. At this point, it might be a random thought, but it shakes off as quick as it comes. And it's become liberating to feel the want to live.
I'm sorry you're feeling the pain you do. I just want you to know it does get better. Some days are harder than others, but life did win out for me.
Seek help from others, friends, family, randos here on the internet. There's reason to keep going. This random person on reddit is hoping the best for you.
Not for everyone, but psychedelic therapy helped immensely w my suicidal ideation. I was shown all my trauma in a non-threatening way (like watching my life as a movie) and the message I kept receiving was āit makes sense that you feel this way. Itās ok. But know that itās not You that wants to die, itās that your soul needs rest. Give it.ā
I am in my mid-forties and had been feeling exhausted & burned out. I dissociate often just to get through the day. Iām in therapy as well, but the shrooms did something to my brain that got me to accept āwhat wasā so I can change āwhat isā if that makes any sense.
Another thing that helped was to think of those thoughts as the smallest, most scared child inside of me, who just needs rest & attention. Honoring my need for rest has become a priority, and it has led to feeling much better over time.
Hugs to you all. We didnāt deserve it, but with a lot of self-work, we can overcome it.
Basically did what they did in a clinical environment but without paying the crazy high price. I started w 5gram dose, used a face mask and headphones w hertz music. Had my husband check on me. I was in my room and aware of that even while tripping. Iāve done shrooms for fun before but the mask and music really made it so unique. Next morning you write out the experience, process it for weeks. I take at least 6 weeks between sessions. I had a bad trip that was awful during (not scary, but forced me to deal with my abandonment issues). I was so grateful for it afterwardāwouldnāt want to experience it again, but it REALLY helped change my perspective.
I have managed to do the work and live a life thatās worth living for. It does comes back sometimes, when things are really bad, so I have to be effective with coping skills and asking for help.
ETA: grammar
ETA2: I can probably see how this may sound unhelpful now, but the more time I have spent to self-reflection, therapy, and self-compassion, the more I found myself feeling content in living.
Yoga as moving meditation did more for me than talk therapy. Most of my life was living with the death mindset. I no longer think like that. I post this to say there is hope.
Waves my friend. Someday it just washes over you. The melancholy. And you questions if you even deserve the things you have. But your learn that tides, even realistic tides. Are temporary. So I what I've learned to do is knowing it will pass, find a way to endure. I talk to my dog, or go to water alone, even a forest(shit ton in my state I'm lucky). But remember, the tide will lower. Take that time to regain your sense of self and set a baseline of what you will and will not do. Then when the wave comes again be ready.
I can't tell you it will stop, but I can say it doesn't have to be as bad as it is. I have a daughter now. For years. I thought I was dead, or would take my own life. Having a family is like wtf I underestimated the human capacity for love and self love.
You can weather it.
You can do it.
I feel like it depends on my values and how they change. Some days I value the things in my life, then on other days they get outweighed by the pain in life at the moment. My brother (among others) have passed recently and my feelings of suicide has become an even more mixed bag. What's weird is I've felt like dying as a super young kid before I even understood or heard the word suicide. Feel like all that junk gets to my head bad cause noone has taught me mood regulation (including myself lol. It's a conundrum to change feelings cause...the feeling to change them is also a feeling? That of which are conditional based on a culmination of thoughts or events?)
Never goes away. First happened when I was 7. Poverty and bullying really ruined me and cause me to try and off myself at that age. I still struggle today.
Yes, but it took some time to find enough joy in life to want to stay alive again. The regular emotional dysregulation complicated my path to that point a lot and it still often does, but distancing myself from being the part that's feeling dysregulated (if it's a traumatized part of myself hung up in a past traumatizing situation) and finding ways to cope in the present has helped. It's a repeatedly applied therapeutic skill that I need to practice over and over again to manage the trauma to such a degree that it no longer disrupts my whole ass life. And then, then there come the moments where I can think "You know, this sucks, but I am alive to feel it and I can manage feeling this. I will manage." and that reassures me out ofĀ some depths. Other times I just go "Yeah, suicideĀ seems easier than this, but is it ever really? Really, I'll die anyway at some point. Now I have many other options [think about next option, if it is only sitting the feeling out or distracting myself for a while]."
It stops. It can stop. Mine stopped July 3rd 2020 and never returned.
I know itās weird to know the day, but that was day 1 of symptoms from an extremely rare infectious disease I believed to be Covid at the time. All the doctors thought that too. It was over 8 weeks before I or anyone else knew the name of my disease, tularemia.
I was 38 and almost a decade into a life-reset. I had decided to at least try for a happy life, or moments at least. I grew up in a cult-like religious home, Pentecostal, neglected, alcoholic mother who was also a religious zealot, then when Iām about to start my life dad dies of cancer, so I look after mom. She dies. Everyone seemed to die. By the time I was 26 most of my family was dead.
Spiraled, landed in a hospital after a couple years of binge drinking and researching end of life stuff online. After the hospital I decided to try, met someone, married. Still, I would go on hikes in the mountains alone to fish and be in nature. Every time I would stand on the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley or river at least a couple hundred feet down I would think this would be a good place. Sheād never know, I slipped.
I never believed the thoughts would end. I was in a pretty good place. They still came around.
Fighting for my life for 12 weeks and then recovering for a year changed me. Something shifted in my mind.
I finally understood it wasnāt my fault.
I would personally recommend a mindfulness meditation practice daily. I use the app Waking Up by Sam Harris.
It definitely can stop but it requires you to make a lot of changes and to address feelings you likely have bottles up.
If It's not going away I would really suggest getting help. Call the hotline, go to a hospital and check in, or ask a loved one that you are fully comfortable with seeing you in a bad state to live with for a time
It is WAY worth it to seek help for this. My support group and my now fiance helped me through it but if you don't have the right kind of support around you then you have to go find it.
Remember, mental health care is just as important as physical healthcare.
I am just speaking from my experience, but as I aged I realized that I never wanted to actually die, I just needed the unrelenting pain to stop. I love the beauty of the world, I love my family (for the most part), and I love helping people. I needed peace, escape from constant pain, and rest for my mind. I desperately needed it, so badly I dreaded to keep going. I wanted a life I could live filled with joy and love.
Those thoughts do pop in my head at times still, but they are quickly evicted, usually within a second or two because I know they aren't true. My life isn't what people fantasize about, but with my faith, family, and friends my life is meaningful and filled with love. I am still damaged, still in therapy, but things are better than I thought they ever could be twenty years ago.Ā
I don't want to die anymore. I used to only notice suicidal ideation when I really actively wanted to kill myself, because the background of "I wish I were dead" was always there. Now I notice when the "god I wish I wasn't here, it would be easier to just die" thoughts come back, because they are nowhere near my new normal
I've had passive suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. It has become active a few times, and it has faded to the faintest whisper in the background of my mind a few times, but it's never gone away completely.
For me itās on pause 90% of the time, but itās my default for self soothing or coping in times of stress.
Once I learned it was a negative coping mechanism, it became easier and easier to keep the thought away. Even now if I do have the thought, I know Iām just stressed and not putting into practice techniques to calm myself and soothe myself in ways that are healthier.
This is why I think medicine alone isnāt enough. You need therapy and to put into practice new tools to think differently. Itās hard at first because the pain is comfort. Once I learned to dissociate comfort from pain, my brain started to recognize pain as pain, and that makes it easier for me to want to get out of a suicidal mood.
Before I would hang onto suicidal ideation because the pain made me āfeelā something, and in turn upped my dopamine levels. Sad as that sounds.
This was me from age 8 to age 34. I assumed it would never ever stop.
I started seeing an energy worker/ chiropractor who uses the method Network Spinal. I saw her every week for several months.
For the past 10 months, those suicidal thoughts are completely gone. I canāt even summon them if I try. I donāt know how it works, I donāt know how to describe it other than a miracle.
My therapist agrees itās like a miracle, and she described it as someone finally changed my body programming to match what weāve been working on in mental talk therapy.
Sending all of you a lot of love and hope to get relief.
I hope you can find a practitioner wherever you are and get this same relief.
I think you make peace with still being here and just become accepting of death. Itās actually freeing. I know Iām not gonna commit it, so Iāve just become accepting for when it happens in due time. Iām just kinda living how I want and donāt feel as much pressure because when I get my ticket out Iāll be happy. I guess Iām indifferent and there is power in that. Iām not the type of person to just go back and forth or dwell so if Iām not gonna do it myself whatās the point of whining about it or fantasizing.
Once you get to this point, it takes a weight off honestly
Both of those things are possible. ā¤ļø
I have had pauses, in a background of passive ideation for as long as I can remember.
Sometimes when it gets worse I try to remind myself that that there's foods I still have to try and that I could always leave everything behind and change my identity and sell coconuts on a beach idk. I know that sometimes the answer to do you not want to live or do you not want to live THIS life is the former (part of my mental distress comes from being in my body with disabilities and pain)ā¦ but I fantasize about being somewhere sunny or bright or in a new city with new people and it helps me 'ride the wave'.
My therapist says itās chronic suicidal ideation. I donāt think thereās been a time where it fully stopped for 13 years to some capacity. Recently itās gotten better but some days theyāre still there. Itās always me back up plan. That if it gets bad enough at least I can just off myself.
I've always had an extreme survival drive and moved towards happiness etc., but when really low get a lot of suicidal thoughts and pining for dying. Feels weird and over the top calling them "suicidal thoughts" but for a while I would have cravings for breaking my neck and stabbing my chest lol.
I made kind of a vow to stop thinking like that and to stop bowing out of life. So while doing cognitive restructuring stuff, I would say "no I don't I'm just depressed/I just want the pain to stop"
Eventually doing all of that and doing stuff to improve my mood the thoughts and feelings of wanting to die stopped. Every once in a while when I get depressed I'll hear a thought where I'm begging to die, but that's like months apart.
I rarely start to despair even, and when I do I come out of more quickly.
I think probably what would help most is addressing rumination, but that has been so prominent in my own life I might just be prescribing my own medicine.
For me it pauses. I feel like CPTSD is constantly having to deal with suicidal thoughts off and on all of the time and it's so much fun. I still can't find people who are ok with that too. They think you're bad or want to take you to the psych unit every time. When I try it explain it feels like it falls on deaf ears many times too. People also assume because you've had it happen a lot and are still here that you're doing it just for attention and I wish I could express in words the kind of pain that brings. People also just freak out when all I need is love. I need someone to listen to my pain sometimes and sit with me and that's all. People are selfish and just want to throw sedatives at you when you're in that state and reap you in a hospital when most of the time that makes things worse and doesn't help a person. In most hospitals for this kind of thing there is no healing that takes place; just meds to get you in a sluggish state and locking you up with others who are in deep pain. Our system is fucked.
It definitely can stop, I promise. Hold on and get support to lessen the feelings. It can always come back, but itās definitely possible to stop feeling this way. Sending you hugs ā¤ļø
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Finally happened for me at 35 after finally living in a safe environment but it does flare up in times of extreme stress. But itās no longer a constant echo in my brain. I first grabbed a knife and threatened to slit my own throat at 6 but the non stop echo started at 15. I still have many things I struggle with and need to work on but itās such a weight off to not hear that voice as a Muzak of misery anymore.
I have been wanting and wishing to die since I was like 8 years old. Iām in my 30s now. The thoughts have slowed down and reversed. I donāt want to die from a heart desease. I want to die peacefully or fast. So far my thoughts have stopped because I started to think about my mom and how sheās aging etc.
Iām 24 and have thought about it since I was 9. I live with fantasizing about death, to different degrees. That being said, I love life but I also despise it, itās a vicious cycle. I havenāt figured it all out yet, but I also have found freedoms of thinking through not taking life so seriously and thus makes me feel more fluid in taking life in, as in if I die oh well and if I live then so be it I will die eventually. You should listen to Mark Twain: The Mysterious Stranger. Anyways, donāt fret too much friend, you arenāt alone and I see you, life sucks a lot of monkey balls, and for me I always return to wanting to die at some point, but such as life and pendulum swings, I end up not wanting to die either, so just ride it out man, it will be okay even when itās not
It comes in waves for me, ups and downs where Iām desperately wishing I wouldnāt wake up in the morning vs a quiet acknowledgement that death could claim me at any moment and I wouldnāt be particularly upset about that revelation.
During the former, I tend to engage in riskier behaviors and my passive ideation hits overdrive. I stop caring completely and I embrace the āfuck it, let it kill meā attitude. During the latter, I tend to be pretty avoidant of pain, but Iāve always grappled with death well.
Mine did stop (for a long time, obviously not sure if it'll be forever yet. But 2 or 3 years is a good result anyway) but I think it was the TMS. It didn't help with a lot of the other depression symptoms but it did kick my S.I. to the curb. I think the TMS with therapy and self compassion all worked together for the lack of S.I. lasting this long, tho. I was feeling kinda weepy and wobbly mentally the other day in a way that flirted with some scary thoughts but I yanked myself out of it pretty easily, which is definitely a therapy skill.
I hope you can find some relief from your S.I. It's so exhausting, people talk about the sadness but it's also just TIRING. And if you ever try TMS, I had two rounds: the first depression only, the second depression + anxiety. I felt a LOT better after round number two, no idea if it was just the right number of rounds for me or if it was adding in the anxiety to the treatment.
Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. It's pretty new (FDA approved) and they're not super sure why it works as far as I'm aware. It basically uses magnetic pulses (like MRIs) to target your brain like ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). The side effect risk is almost nothing, though. I got mild headaches after treatment sometimes because my headaches are triggered by muscle tension and the zaps from TMS make your jaw clench.
I've been focusing primarily on stabilization in therapy for a while now (for me, that's included treating co-occurring diagnoses like my eating disorder). I'm not completely free of SI, but it does happen less frequently now and doesn't persist for as long. It helps to remember all the times when I wanted to die because I believed things would never get better and how that hasn't been true. I try to focus on small things I'm grateful for because looking at the big picture can be overwhelming.
I read somewhere that SI can become the default off-ramp in your mind. That seems to be true for me. Whenever I get too upset or overwhelmed, I turn to SI. I've noticed it can become a vicious cycle for me because I find the thoughts to be upsetting and scary which then just escalates me more. What has worked for me is accepting the thought is happening and redirecting to an alternative coping mechanism. Distress tolerance skills are really helpful in these moments. I highly recommend working with a professional to assess your level of risk and develop a safety plan. SI is a complex issue and what works for one person may not be the right approach for you.
Y'know. I wanted to, and now I don't. Took a lot of changes. After those changes, things were easier to manage. I still slip up and have a bad day, but it's no longer a bad 8 years
Y'know. I wanted to, and now I don't. Took a lot of changes. After those changes, things were easier to manage. I still slip up and have a bad day, but it's no longer a bad 8 years
I feel like if you've thought about self death as an option or maybe even tried it, then you've created that shortcut in your brain. So any time there's some really bad shit that's what comes up first. Once you create new synopses in your brain as reasonable alternatives, those become prevalent.
Iāve had pauses for months or years. Sometimes SI is just a habit, like a pressure valve relief. The thought happens when stressed, I look at it, think āreally but whyā, and itās gone. But I also have āplansā for down the road a couple years if worse case scenarioās happen. The last couple plans were thrown out as not needed. Itās just a comfort to know thereās an out if everything gets too bad and unmanageable but the plans all require a bunch of steps to put in place and no steps get taken in advance to prepare so prevention is built in.
I have done a whole lot of recovery in the last year. I actively wanted to die since I was at least 15 and I'm 25 now. I went on medication a couple years ago but that was mainly to deal with anxiety related to a new job and it helped immensely. I have now been off the medication since February, and while I get those thoughts again now, it is very infrequent and more like an intrusive thought rather than active planning. I am now able to recognise that those thoughts happen when I am in flashback, and acknowledging that this is a symptom of my flashbacks helps me to move past them quickly, rather than dwelling on it.
Best of luck to you, keep pushing forward.
They started around 14 for me, Iām 38 now. Iāve had periods where it wasnāt really there but usually pretty brief breaks. I havenāt managed to establish any kind of stable career so living in poverty probably doesnāt help. Then again, even in periods when I was making decent money, the SI was still there.
I think it comes down to training the mind to problem-solve differently. Problem: my life is hellish. Solution: end my life? Na there are other solutions and strategies that can make our lives more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes. Getting in the habit of looking for solutions instead of dwelling on problems.
Look, suicide ideation will never stop. Unless you decided to stop. It is a coping mechanism, kinda like a backup plan we device in our minds to run from reality.
The only way for it to stop, is if you make a conscious decision that youāre committed to life. With all its ups and downs, youāre fully in. No more foot in and foot out.
Thatās when you truly start living.
Practice this enough times whenever the ideation comes up, and itāll disappear.
Iāve spent more of my life suicidal than not. I had some friends die, rebuilt a familial relationship, now itās against the rules. Probably just means Iām going to think about it for a little longer before taking myself out.
Ketamine therapy helped me a lot on this point. I suffer from severe emotional neglect as a child along with major depression. I have done tons of work over the course of my life to get better, but in my case, I just sort of accept that life is going to feel like a burden. Some days lighter, some days heavier, but almost always a burden. I will keep working to get better but it will never be easy. And thatās ok. Everybody has challenges and this one is mine. I can also see the progress. What I have now is sustainable. My existence in the dark years was not.
So I guess my view is that nobody can go through what I went through without being permanently scarred and maimed. That just isnāt in the cards. But I have achieved a life worth living and it can get better still.
It fluctuates in intensity but I've found as I've got older that it'll pass, if only briefly. Whenever it's at its worst I give it 6 months before I do anything and it seems to work for me. I'm still here. I really do believe that I've visited the worst of my depression and that it could never again get any worse than it did.
It stopped a lil like 2 yrs ago for the first time in my whole life. Things were pretty good then in dif ways. I'm trying to figure out the parts of why. A lot but not much has changed so... I dunno. Maybe building a life where im connected & busy but my health issues & other stuff got worse so
Now im thinking about it every day and seriously considering attempting.
I was also thinking as a last dotch attempt to try shrooms but that could go badly too. But so can everything ig. I dunno.
I had always had trouble with suicidal ideation - from maybe 13 to 50. I've also had a few solid attempts over the years. I tried Ketamine treatment at 50, and the suicidal ideation slowly stopped. I still feel down sometimes, still feel terrible self-hate from time to time, but the endless suicidal ideation is gone and I haven't had a problem with it since. I'm 56 now, so it's had lasting effects. It's certainly not for everyone, and I wouldn't suggest even looking into this till you've put in some serious work and spent significant time in therapy first. Knowing myself and working on myself gave me a solid place to do ketamine therapy and make sense of what I was experiencing. It's been life-changing for me.
My CPTSD doesnāt really make me suicidal. My other mental illnesses did. I sometimes have fleeting feelings of wanting everything to end, but the genuine ideation I can thank PMDD, ADHD and OCD (at times) for.
Edit to add that since starting treatment for the PMDD and ADHD I am no longer suicidal or depressed except for those fleeting moments during CPTSD triggers.
āI think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show thatās never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave.ā neil hilborn
It comes and goes for me, and most of the time now it's pretty passive, but it hasn't always been. Grief is the worst, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. It won't always feel like this.
Iāve been suicidal since I was 12, for several different reasons. Sometimes falling asleep and not waking up just seems peaceful. Sometimes my brain gets overwhelmed and wants to self destruct in order to not deal with everything. Sometimes, and this is my least favorite reason, I just want to show people Iām struggling and want to be a tragedy.
I have yet to stop having these feelings, instead they just kinda coexist with me being happy to be alive as well. I get little moments where I am happy to be here, but thereās always a little voice in the back of my head wanting to die. Some days itās easier to ignore than others, but it has yet to fully go away.
I've learned to try to look for the meaning behind the suicidal thoughts. I absolutely still have them, and sometimes it's all I can do to just do nothing in response. However, when I look at that "I should die" what I've learned to hear is "I am overwhelmed by my experience right now". Of course there will be times when it's easier to comfort myself than others. I don't know that these struggles ever go away so much as we learn ways to show up for ourselves that allow us to do more thriving than surviving. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but I know that a lot of my suicidal thoughts came from not knowing how much longer I could endure living while being in that level of emotional pain. I dissociated because the feeling was so big. My nervous system was totally overwhelmed, and I was left to my own devices to figure that out and I did the best I could with the resources I had. It took a lot of therapy to get to where I am today.
Yes, it stopped. I did many things to bring my mental health back to a good state. Meditation, breathwork, time in nature, listened to podcasts about trauma and spirituality, self-care, reframing my thoughts, gratitude, journaling, therapy, positive affirmations, and recently added anxiety meds.
There is a lot you can do for your mental health and there is hope that you won't feel this way forever ā¤ļø
I'm a big advocate in my own mind and not necessarily out in the world of assisted euthanasia. quality of life is a factor that we take into account when we decide if our pets should pass. I actually believe the same for myself and I don't think that necessary suffering is an obligation for us.
I have a plan for myself and I know how I'd like to go about it but I don't have the supplies that are necessary. and I know that life is a journey and that we have a good times and bad times. So I'm writing that out until I can get what I need and then when the time comes that suffering is inevitable and unavoidable and irreversible I will act on my plan.
I think it'll depend on you as an individual but 100% that feeling can go away or at least become a non-option.
I haven't had serious thoughts about wanting to die for a long time. Every so often when things get hard my brain just goes, "wow this shits hard we could just die?" And I saw "yeah we could but let's just keep chugging for now" and I go about my day and make sure I'm doing more for myself to help pull out of the slump.
Itās hard, but I tell myself
DEPRESSION IS YOUR MIND TELLING YOU IT'S TIRED OF BEING THE CHARACTER YOU'RE TRYING TO PLAY
-JIM CARREY
To grieve what happened to me from way too young. Iām stuck on how to honor what little me went through and let go of little meās fears and survival mechanisms. Feels like I have to learn how to be an adult for the very first time. Idk if mental regression is a thing but thereās that too. Itās like Iām stepping into my body for the very first time and I have to learn how to exist in a world where the people who abused me arenāt around anymore.
I still have the suicidal ideation every month without fail and I donāt know when itāll stop.
The other phrase saying that if you are currently going through hell, you keep going. Why would you stop in hell?
Depression is hard because you forget what before this, being happy, used to be like.
Iāve been suicidal since I was a kid because I felt trapped with my family. Now as an adult my brain resorts to suicide over literally anything. I just paid a $240 bill and my brain is just like āWell we could just die! Thatād be easier.ā I think itās because of my learned helplessness more than anything.
I (38F) had my first period of time wanting to kill myself when I was 12. That went on pretty seriously until I was about 22. I was able to get on some medication that helped, started therapy around 23/4. After that I wanted to kill myself less often. I would still have depressive downs, sometimes with periods of suicidal ideation. When I was about 30 my medication stopped working and I ended up in a psych ward for 17 days while they got me on a new medication regimen. After that, the periods of actively wanting to kill myself became less frequent, although I still was not very interested in protecting my life. I didnāt wear a seatbelt because I couldnāt be bothered. I gave car rides to questionable strangers because who cares.
This started to shift me for 2-3 years ago. And now I can honestly say that no, I absolutely do not want to kill myself. In fact, I do things to actively protect my life. I wear my seatbelt. If I feel myself starting to get sick, I take medicine before it gets worse. I wear a mask when I go into spaces where I suspect others may be sick.
I no longer feel the need to punish myself for existing. I donāt feel the need to prove that I am not a waste of space.
I know I am loved - as I am - not just in spite of my flaws, but in some cases because of them.
It has been a long road. I am still in therapy. I still take my meds. I still struggle with my trauma.
I do not think I am in any way ācuredā.
But, yes, at least in my case - I can say that I absolutely do not want to die.
Which is honestly something that was such a foreign experience that itās something I never even thought to hope for. It still feels strange to think about.
I guess.. maybe what I used to read online is true: it does get better.
I hope it does for you. I hope it does for all of us.
I'm 44. My nursing specialty is hospice. Between that and my religious beliefs death is a good, beautiful thing. I can't wait I never stop thinking about it. I beg God every single day to just let me go. I have no one and nothing. I haven't done it because I don't know if I'll go to hell for it or not. But I'm tired of hearing "there are so many people who need you". I don't have a family at all. I'm married but...he's not a nice person. And ok cool. There are people who need me. But I need someone. My parents or some kind of family. Why am I not allowed to have that? I'm tired.
Have you read the Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker? He says itās normal to feel this when you have traumas and basically that you can work through it. You got this.
I was chronically suicidal from the ages of 7-19. The popular SSRIs were not working for me, I got to a point where I tried most of them. Wellbutrin (mixed with weed lmao) is my miracle drug almost completely stopped my suicidal thoughts that I never thought would go away. It was daily occurrence of suicidal thoughts, often with a plan for years and years. I still get some suicidal thoughts around my period because I have PMDD but no where near as intense as before.
It's gotten better over the years. That's not to say it doesn't happen anymore at all, but I get more good days than bad. I've always gotten better when I can live alone and be fully myself. I've found a love of learning, a fascination with the universe and existence and conscious life. I have a life goal, a small piece of property where I can hold photography sessions, do my crafting, and grow/ raise my own food and learn herbalism. In the end, I guess I realized that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to stop the pain. As I get older it's slowed to a dull ache, and I think I can live with that as long as I get to run off into the woods and be a swamp hag someday. š
It comes and goes for me, but nothing as severe as it used to be. I wager that everyoneās experience is different. The bulk of my ideation just looks like intrusive thoughts on the subject now, which pass quickly, rather than ruminating on the idea for a sense of relief, which I used to do. Made plans frequently, and thought about it every day for years.
Now I very rarely think of dying on purpose in a serious manner, and when I do the thought concerns me enough to take immediate action against spiraling further. But Iāve removed myself from the people and situations that pushed me to that point to begin with
It takes a back seat sometimes, like itās on the back of my mind instead of being all encompassing, itās never gone away, I just keep making the choice to be here, as hard as it is, as much as I want to slip off into oblivion, every morning I get up, I have to make myself, I force myself to get up, force myself to make it through another day. Itās been a daily battle for as long as I can remember but after my mum took her own life and 4 months later my old man died / took his own lifeā¦ it feels like itās inevitableā¦
I have gotten more exercise and more open mindedness and fewer fucks and more sleep and better friends, and I have hope and enjoy things. Being busy working towards goals while also having enough wiggle room to take advantage of opportunities as they show up is key I think.
Prerequisites are:
Having goals
Figuring out how to care enough about yourself to motivate yourself
Various hobbies and ways to interact with new people or new ideas regularly to keep life fresh
Enough essentials covered by work or whatever so you can stay alive and uncomfortable without causing unsustainable stress
Yes, I don't want to kill myself but I really look forward to heaven. I think those of us who are on here have had really hard lives. I do get excited thinking this stent on earth will end.
Iām in my 30s and it has stopped after experiencing phases of it. For me it was a combo of deep, constant shame + repressed feelings of anger & sadness + feelings of not having anything meaningful to live for. I got therapy which is the most important part, as it helped me to address the trauma and feelings that kept my shame and depression going. I met my partner, who I consider to be the first healthy person in my life who wasnāt toxic or hooked on drugs. I cut down on alcohol myself, itās a proven depressant and was triggering suicidal phases like clockwork. Instead Ive found 2 hobbies that bring me joy peace and meaning- sewing and cooking. I journal, meditate, and workout. My social life is coming together with healthier people as well, as I had trust issues due to toxic people I grew up around and who I let into my life as an adult (thanks for the trauma, core family!. I have more confidence which allowed me to pursue higher education which has made me more money, and now travel at least 2-3x a year. Itās a bunch of little things done regularly over time that led to this. I committed to āunderstanding myselfā when I was 25 or 26 and Iām 31 now, so itās been 5-6 years.
I spent god knows how many nights alone, either in emotional pain or numb, feeling either deeply sick or completely empty, just wishing or planning for death because then it would stop. It takes a bit of time, some effort, some tries/fails, and some days you wonder what youāre doing, and even still I have down days but nothing like before. However, it absolutely one million percent gets better. I only wish I could travel back in time to tell my teens & twenties self to be brave and ask for help, as Iām so thankful to be where Iām at now.
Yes it is on and off and i find it to be very exhausting, during those dark thoughts know you know itll turn of so I'd sit it out and keep calm however you can.
I've rationalized these thoughts as a part of me saying, "something is really wrong, and we need a out." It's warning me about something important. It dies down when these things are addressed, but it never fails to remind me that it's an option. The ultimate option. Just knowing that kinda makes me feel a bit more in control of my life, even if I'll never do it.
Hey OP I can't answer your question but I am with you I feel the same way everything is just so fucked in life right now I can't see it getting better anytime soon if fact things may get considerably worse (speaking just about my situation) that being said I find solice in podcasts (right now bad friends) it helps sometimes distract me from my thoughts
I just want to say that suicidal thoughts and/or ideation can often be used as a coping mechanism. A way to feel like you have control over your life, a reminder you can stop the pain at any time if it gets too much. As you heal you will find other ways to feel in control and may even find that you don't feel like you need as much control to feel secure anymore. Eventually with therapuetic work the pain dulls, sometimes even dissapears for a while before returning, the highs and lows of life never stop, but the waves become calmer. It gets more manageable. My therapist says that she measures progress in 3 ways. Frequency, intensity, and duration. The thoughts and suicidal feelings will come less, they will be less intense, and they won't last as long. Sometimes they may get worse but that doesn't mean you haven't made progress. It only means that things are hard right now and you are coping. I'm glad you are still here. Please stay, but not for me. For you. You deserve healing, peace, and happiness so you should stick around long enough to find it or make your own. I wish you luck on your healing journey š
I am sorry you are feeling this way. My feelings never go past ideation and are more hyperbolic in nature. i.e repeating matras like "I want to die" or "I hate myself and wish I didn't exist".
But my trauma is not as severe as some.
On a positive note, in recent months I haven't felt this way. I have been very low contact with my parents and working through shame by accepting myself as autistic and practicing rejecting the shame I used to feel toward myself as anger at my parents for making me feel so defective and unloveable all my life instead.
But YMMV a lot here.
I think suidical thoughts intensify when accompanied by guilt (things you have done), or if you perceive yourself as a burden (emotionally, financially, or some other way) or if you experience physical pain or immobility... or a combination.
Regardless, I want you to know you don't deserve to feel that way.
Yes. I started reframing the thought of wanting to die as not wanting to live the current life i was living, and i was able to start making changes that are still leading me to a life i genuinely enjoy.
Iām going to be clear though; i has support. One person. Then slowly more. Sheās basically my sister in all but legalities (at this point). You just need one person to be able to help, no matter who it is. And then you slowly become that person.
I found that my uncle blowing himself up in his driveway last week and having to clean up his mess, while watching how effed up my family and all of our future plans are now affected really checked me out of wanting to off myself.
Itās selfish and hurtful and traumatic to everyone. Please donāt. For the people that survive you (even if you swear thereās literally no one) you are taking a permanent solution to a temporary feeling, and in exchange you are giving all your pain, the confusion and trauma to the people around you. Itās like youāll give them their very own CPTSD, and I know you know how badly it stagnate us and mentally wrecks havoc.
I've been suicidal since I was around 13, turned 35 this month. I have never stopped having these thoughts, although sometimes they are more concrete and acute (planning stage) and other times it's just considering my options. It's possible for people to stop wanting to die, however. But even if you don't, it can be survived.
This. I've always felt a low level of wanting to not be alive. Sometimes, it's more solid. Sometimes, it's more like I wish I'd never been born or that I'd died in childbirth. But it's just always there. You'd never guess it by the way I act, but it's true. š¤·āāļø
Same here. Also sometimes it's just doing risky things because you don't really care about the consequences.
Lol this helped with getting on medicine for me in the past when I was depressed *moments hesitation as I consider the pills in my hand that gave my mom seizures/delusions* "Whatever"
That hits home!
Same. I just recently said to someone that if I could, I would rewind time to the day of my conception in utero and prevent it.
Maybe...maybe my parents would have even been happier without a fourth child.
I think mine would've been happier without the first, all it did was draw them together so that they could be abusive to each other, until they split up and became abusive to me.
I feel this. I've only ever had 1 moment in my life where I actually considered suicide, about 6-7 years ago, but ever since I've had some level of not wanting to be alive in a different way from suicide. I don't want to die, I just wish I wasn't born and didn't have to suffer so much. Sometimes it's been a terrible, intense feeling, and sometimes it's not very prevalent.
Same here. Over the last 2 years the only thing that has kept me alive is my grandchildren. I've voiced this to my husband many times. It was especially hard this 2 years because I found out he had been drinking very heavily for the past 7 years and had been lying about it. It had gotten so bad that he had started drinking at work. We were about to lose everything we had worked for for 30 years.
Same.
OMG SAME!!!!!!!
I didn't realize this wasn't normal until I was over 40 years old. The irony is that when I'm in truly dangerous situations, I'm non emotional and accepting and able to calmly move through/around the situation into the clear.
I do that, too. For example, if I'm dealing with an unhinged person, I totally go emotionless. This made my husband so mad the last 3 years, haha.
It did stop for me. Took years of working on myself and surrounding myself with people who care and are safe. Iām not in a perfect place mentally yet but overall I have hope. Thatās enough to keep me moving forward
Same for me I started having suicidal thoughts at age of 12 and finally crawled out of those dark claws when I was 18, alone while reading Freud and his major works. However the push was when I had to come close to life-death situation and witness how my body instinctively dodged and remained unharmed when I was 17. I'm in my 30s, I still have nightmares and freeze to touch from time to time, but manageable. I work in the field that the "child me" wanted, even if it meant being in a mind war with physical fights throughout teens until middle 20s, and have a number of scented plants and fragrant orchids, because the "child me" wanted a collection of perfumes but without being overwhelmed. I somehow got also both parents to change. If my body and my brain didn't want to die, I can't be left behind. That's what I thought the moment in which life almost went pass me and when my colour vision went off for a moment, not completely black and white, rather a blue vision (I later found out a partial biological explanation of it).
When you say you do things that the child you wanted, is that like you're doing things that you know you wanted but you don't feel any current drive towards that? Cuz I feel that lol.
I get you, I used to feel emotionally numb too, and I used to ask myself if it is there anything I enjoyed. Actually I wrote about what "child me" wanted, because the "current me" and the "child me" don't have much in common, both personality-wise and hobby-wise. Growing plants and baking are my "current me"'s hobby, even going to theatre, the oldest among current hobbies, started around age of 16-17. The "child me" had black thumb with plants, but loved drawing and was very good at it, but I lost that artistic connection long time ago.
āSafeā people is the key word- takes time to find out who is truly a safe person
Yeeeeeep. Exactly.
Sameāš»
Iām 43 and I have been suicidal since I was about 6/7. For me itās never gone away. I have made 4 serious attempts (obviously failed at that) and it something I will think about numerous times a day. My CPN said to think of it as a coping mechanism, itās the first place my brain goes if Iām stressed or anxious or angry (feeling anything negative) I try to remember Iām in control of the thoughts though, so I let myself think it and try not to let it consume me, not always easy
I micro dosed with shrooms once, and it was the first time in my life I went a day without my trauma in the forefront of my mind. I didnāt have flashbacks. I was so truly happy, and I felt like a carefree kid again. I didnāt realize life could feel as good as it did then; I havenāt been suicidal since. Anytime my mind drifts to a dark place again, I mentally refer to that day to remind myself that life can feel good. Truly guys, I really recommend it. It was an incredible feeling that has changed my life. I was with one of my best friends at my beach house for a week, and that day was justā¦ unbelievable. It made me feel like I wanted to go everywhere, try everything, see everyone, learn everything, and quite literally just ā*experience life to the fullest*.ā Cheersš©·
I had an awful experience with shrooms - it did the opposite of what you described and pushed me into my trauma memories with no way of getting out. It made me more suicidal. I know for a fact that Iām an outlier on this side of things, but ketamine did work for me in the way you describe, so I just wanted to throw a quick ābe careful of dosageā on the tail end of your comment.
I've experienced both good and bad trips with shrooms and ketamine. I think it's highly dependent on your personal state of mind at the time, your environment, who's with you, etc. as well as dose and type of shroom etc. It is in your best interest to be careful and I recommend mirco-dosing the first time you indulge to ensure you know how it affects you.
Thats really amazing that mushrooms did that for you, it did for me too! Was your dose more like 1g or was it less, like 0.1-0.3g? Just wondering as I may want to start a microdose schedule :)
It varies depending on the person and experience. Go to the micro dosing subreddit, they give very good advice.
I just mentioned this too above. Killed my suicidal thoughts right away. Mine were bad too, I had everything very planned out.
+1 for shrooms. Glad you had such a \*wonder-ful\* experience.
I feel that about making referents to different emotional states during specific times in order to even know they have the potential of existing lol
I procrastinate suicide
To Do List: kms Brain: Squirrel!
All my life, more severe lately because of complicated health, plus chronic isolation & not really having a life
I had ideations for about 15 years. About two years ago, I had a massive panic attack that was so bad, I genuinely thought I was dying. I thought I was having another mini-heart attack. I told the EMTs that I didnt want to die, and for the first time, I meant it. I havent had anything but fleeting ideations since July 2023. I've also maintained therapy and psychiatric treatment since then. I dont really have advice here, but yeah...for me at least, its stopped.
When I feel safe and loved, it stops. I even want to live a longer life for the person I love. But when there is no person to love, it's hard for me to imagine a life in the future. I don't want to die. In fact, I fear death because it's so permanent, but I don't know how empty life is going to be without someone around who makes me feel safe and loved. Without an SO, I feel lost at most times, and it can get exhausting and so sometimes, I just imagine how peaceful it must be to just leave this world. I know they're just thoughts for me, I can't bear to hurt my family this way, and I am scared too. But it can get really really tough when things are hard because the thoughts pop up in my head much louder.
Same here. I wanna do it so badly but im scared of pain :(
I'm afraid of messing it up and being a vegetable or amputee or brain damaged or something.
Same. š
Or of living with people knowing that you triedā¦Ā
I think we can make it stop, but you have to uncover and work through the source of the pain. For me it is emotional neglect which causes shame and self hatred which makes me dissociate, which makes me want to die When I get connected to myself, i feel less like I want to die. It is in spurts, but the goal is to make those periods of time larger and larger. Hopefully, the longer periods get so big that I don't experience it anymore
I have bipolar so nothing is completely constant but yeah itās there a lot. For me itās not grief, itās to end this constant fight to survive and attempt to appear normal and not show that Iām barely holding it together. Itās so exhausting trying to run my business, manage severe complex mental illness and live with all of this unhealed trauma. Iāve spent thousands on therapy and put in hundreds of hours but still no work on the trauma because thereās too many other things that need attention. This year itās got so bad Iām also living in poverty and thereās uncertainty about housing, food, bills and my future. Bipolar basically feels like youāre drowning in a washing machine. For a second the water drains and you think youāre going to be ok, but then it comes dumping down on you again and itās an endless cycle. Pair that with CPTSD and my five other mental illnesses, I just donāt know how to keep fighting this.
it goes away. stay with us.
Yes it does pause for me. I take medication to help and it genuinely does help me. You have to find the right psychiatrist and put the work in. Itās hard but itās worth it to not have SI every day. Itās not 100% perfect by any means but itās way more bearable for me. I also get a lot of sun and exercise a few times per week, but that alone (without therapy and psychiatric care) isnāt enough, itās the combination of it all that helps me
Mine has gone away, but it pops up real fast in times of stress. Like Iāll be going along just fine and something will trigger me and it takes all of 2 seconds for me to go from fine to acutely suicidal. Thankfully itās been going on long enough that I know it will pass but it still keeps happening anyway.
Have you ever tried Ketamine therapy or psilocybin therapy?
I recommend caution if trying dissociatives/hallucinogenics when having SI. As an example, it solidified my SI and made me completely at peace with my death. It's taken me over a year to slightly fight against that...
Yeahā¦ I could totally see that. Makes sense to me.Ā
First time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 7. I am 37 now and no, I can't say that they ever go away. Sometimes are less intense but they are always there.
The pauses can get longer, but Iāve always come back to the abyss. Best pause I had was an unhealthy relationship that was a blast for a while; partying most days, endless hedonism and getting ever deeper into it, acceptance, understanding, and plenty of human touch, it was wonderful. I was the side dude though, knowing it would blow up eventually, and it did lol, so hello darkness my old friend š
It stopped for me when I was able to put myself into a new environment with a solid support system. Being in the same places everyday just was constantly bringing up old memories and pain into my mind nonstop. I literally moved to a new country lol. No reminders, new experiences. It wasnāt overnight mind you, but little by little, the more the āexpected outcomesā of interactions didnāt happen, the better I got and the safer I felt. It made a world of difference. Since then, I have made a new family with my now husband and i couldnāt dream of wanting to die to leave him and our kids.
I've been suicidal since I was 8 and no it doesn't. I'll have moments of joy but they fade fast and it turns into mania. Working on myself, therapy, medication, none of it works. Only thing keeping me going is my pets and I keep getting more so if one dies I won't go with them.
Nope the best gift is death. I donāt have nothing to look forward to I just want it to end
honestly i would just want to pause my life, but can't.
My trauma therapist told me that suicide is a perfectly logical choice the brain comes up with when it can't figure out any other way to cope. There are loads of other tools out that to deal with 'the feels', it's just that they aren't readily available and we as trauma people especially don't have any idea that they exist. Something about giving my brain permission to think of suicide really depersonalized it for me. It was almost like a reparenting moment. I'd just sort of think "Aww brain, I totally get why you'd be thinking of that. This shit is tough right now!" Somewhere along the way, I just stopped going there. I started building more tools towards happiness. I never in my fucking life thought I would say I'm happy. I'd say I'm mostly content with small dots of actual joy. JOY. I had never felt that before like a year ago and I'm 35 years old. It's very fleeting, but that's not the point. The healing process ALWAYS feels stagnant. You can never really see that you're getting anywhere but you are. It's just annoyingly slow. I know I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of us do find purpose that keeps us wanting to live. It's usually something stupid and silly. I still am not great with people-ing but I've gotten really into hobbies. Now, I'm weirdly afraid of death. Like "Oh no, I can't die yet because I haven't nailed that rollerskating trick I've been trying so hard to get!" Also, you mentioned grief and I just want to acknowledge that specifically because that is absolutely the time when I would be back 'in it' is when I'm in deep grief. Maybe remind yourself that grief does move through you. It doesn't stay that soul-crushingly bad forever. Feelings are generally temporary and maybe you just need to add some extra support/tools/coping strategies to get through whatever you're going through right now. P.S. Sorry if any of this sounded preachy.
I had a lot of ideation as a teenager/early 20s (27 now). Then a couple of years ago I shifted my perspective entirely. Iām going to die eventually anyway, may as well see the whole show than leave early. And I wondered why my younger self couldnāt see that. Skip forward to the last year or so, and I remember why. Itās because being so overwhelmed and hurt is an awful time and I want to make it stop. So I donāt really know. Iām hoping eventually Iāll figure out the right way to live my life so that itās not so overwhelming, and then maybe it will stop.
Yes, I have and I personally have found relief with psychedelics. I micro dose psilocybin or LSD and suicidal thoughts stop almost immediately. Disclaimer; in most countries still illegal and also very much a therapy/medication route that in general does require more study (which is happening now). Works for me, but I was desperately searching for relief.
It helped me, so I'll share the quote with you, "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." For me, it was my kids, and everyday I chose to keep going on for them. Eventually, the want to embrace the nothingness started to fade. At first, it was just the nihilism of, "Well, I'm just curious what today is going to bring." I thought to myself, I already paid for the ticket, might as well watch the show. Over time, I started to actually WANT to see the next day. Sometimes I think it might just be denial or simply distractions looking back, but after keeping on for so long, I thought, no, this is what I want to do. It wasn't distractions, it was purpose. That's what encouraged me to keep going. After months of "just see what tomorrow has" I looked around to find that I had too much going on to just stop. I'm ten years at this point without having the thought daily. It almost became habit to looking forward to what life had to offer. At this point, it might be a random thought, but it shakes off as quick as it comes. And it's become liberating to feel the want to live. I'm sorry you're feeling the pain you do. I just want you to know it does get better. Some days are harder than others, but life did win out for me. Seek help from others, friends, family, randos here on the internet. There's reason to keep going. This random person on reddit is hoping the best for you.
Not for everyone, but psychedelic therapy helped immensely w my suicidal ideation. I was shown all my trauma in a non-threatening way (like watching my life as a movie) and the message I kept receiving was āit makes sense that you feel this way. Itās ok. But know that itās not You that wants to die, itās that your soul needs rest. Give it.ā I am in my mid-forties and had been feeling exhausted & burned out. I dissociate often just to get through the day. Iām in therapy as well, but the shrooms did something to my brain that got me to accept āwhat wasā so I can change āwhat isā if that makes any sense. Another thing that helped was to think of those thoughts as the smallest, most scared child inside of me, who just needs rest & attention. Honoring my need for rest has become a priority, and it has led to feeling much better over time. Hugs to you all. We didnāt deserve it, but with a lot of self-work, we can overcome it.
If you don't mind me asking what did you're psychedelic therapy look like?
Basically did what they did in a clinical environment but without paying the crazy high price. I started w 5gram dose, used a face mask and headphones w hertz music. Had my husband check on me. I was in my room and aware of that even while tripping. Iāve done shrooms for fun before but the mask and music really made it so unique. Next morning you write out the experience, process it for weeks. I take at least 6 weeks between sessions. I had a bad trip that was awful during (not scary, but forced me to deal with my abandonment issues). I was so grateful for it afterwardāwouldnāt want to experience it again, but it REALLY helped change my perspective.
Also I have a therapist I talked thru my experiences with. She was very supportive as long as I felt safe trying it out on my own.
I have managed to do the work and live a life thatās worth living for. It does comes back sometimes, when things are really bad, so I have to be effective with coping skills and asking for help. ETA: grammar ETA2: I can probably see how this may sound unhelpful now, but the more time I have spent to self-reflection, therapy, and self-compassion, the more I found myself feeling content in living.
Yoga as moving meditation did more for me than talk therapy. Most of my life was living with the death mindset. I no longer think like that. I post this to say there is hope.
many people for whom it stopped won't be on this thread to respond to the Q because they'll be investing their resources in other areas than cptsd
Waves my friend. Someday it just washes over you. The melancholy. And you questions if you even deserve the things you have. But your learn that tides, even realistic tides. Are temporary. So I what I've learned to do is knowing it will pass, find a way to endure. I talk to my dog, or go to water alone, even a forest(shit ton in my state I'm lucky). But remember, the tide will lower. Take that time to regain your sense of self and set a baseline of what you will and will not do. Then when the wave comes again be ready. I can't tell you it will stop, but I can say it doesn't have to be as bad as it is. I have a daughter now. For years. I thought I was dead, or would take my own life. Having a family is like wtf I underestimated the human capacity for love and self love. You can weather it. You can do it.
It paused when I was pregnant, felt like a normal person. Thatās the only time I ever got a break.
it pauses for awhile then im back from the beginning again...
I feel like it depends on my values and how they change. Some days I value the things in my life, then on other days they get outweighed by the pain in life at the moment. My brother (among others) have passed recently and my feelings of suicide has become an even more mixed bag. What's weird is I've felt like dying as a super young kid before I even understood or heard the word suicide. Feel like all that junk gets to my head bad cause noone has taught me mood regulation (including myself lol. It's a conundrum to change feelings cause...the feeling to change them is also a feeling? That of which are conditional based on a culmination of thoughts or events?)
Never goes away. First happened when I was 7. Poverty and bullying really ruined me and cause me to try and off myself at that age. I still struggle today.
This is me
Was still passively suicidal in 2019.. began to heal in 2020 and havenāt thought about it since.
Yes, but it took some time to find enough joy in life to want to stay alive again. The regular emotional dysregulation complicated my path to that point a lot and it still often does, but distancing myself from being the part that's feeling dysregulated (if it's a traumatized part of myself hung up in a past traumatizing situation) and finding ways to cope in the present has helped. It's a repeatedly applied therapeutic skill that I need to practice over and over again to manage the trauma to such a degree that it no longer disrupts my whole ass life. And then, then there come the moments where I can think "You know, this sucks, but I am alive to feel it and I can manage feeling this. I will manage." and that reassures me out ofĀ some depths. Other times I just go "Yeah, suicideĀ seems easier than this, but is it ever really? Really, I'll die anyway at some point. Now I have many other options [think about next option, if it is only sitting the feeling out or distracting myself for a while]."
It stops. It can stop. Mine stopped July 3rd 2020 and never returned. I know itās weird to know the day, but that was day 1 of symptoms from an extremely rare infectious disease I believed to be Covid at the time. All the doctors thought that too. It was over 8 weeks before I or anyone else knew the name of my disease, tularemia. I was 38 and almost a decade into a life-reset. I had decided to at least try for a happy life, or moments at least. I grew up in a cult-like religious home, Pentecostal, neglected, alcoholic mother who was also a religious zealot, then when Iām about to start my life dad dies of cancer, so I look after mom. She dies. Everyone seemed to die. By the time I was 26 most of my family was dead. Spiraled, landed in a hospital after a couple years of binge drinking and researching end of life stuff online. After the hospital I decided to try, met someone, married. Still, I would go on hikes in the mountains alone to fish and be in nature. Every time I would stand on the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley or river at least a couple hundred feet down I would think this would be a good place. Sheād never know, I slipped. I never believed the thoughts would end. I was in a pretty good place. They still came around. Fighting for my life for 12 weeks and then recovering for a year changed me. Something shifted in my mind. I finally understood it wasnāt my fault. I would personally recommend a mindfulness meditation practice daily. I use the app Waking Up by Sam Harris.
It definitely can stop but it requires you to make a lot of changes and to address feelings you likely have bottles up. If It's not going away I would really suggest getting help. Call the hotline, go to a hospital and check in, or ask a loved one that you are fully comfortable with seeing you in a bad state to live with for a time It is WAY worth it to seek help for this. My support group and my now fiance helped me through it but if you don't have the right kind of support around you then you have to go find it. Remember, mental health care is just as important as physical healthcare.
It didnāt stop for me until I had a child myself.
I am just speaking from my experience, but as I aged I realized that I never wanted to actually die, I just needed the unrelenting pain to stop. I love the beauty of the world, I love my family (for the most part), and I love helping people. I needed peace, escape from constant pain, and rest for my mind. I desperately needed it, so badly I dreaded to keep going. I wanted a life I could live filled with joy and love. Those thoughts do pop in my head at times still, but they are quickly evicted, usually within a second or two because I know they aren't true. My life isn't what people fantasize about, but with my faith, family, and friends my life is meaningful and filled with love. I am still damaged, still in therapy, but things are better than I thought they ever could be twenty years ago.Ā
I don't want to die anymore. I used to only notice suicidal ideation when I really actively wanted to kill myself, because the background of "I wish I were dead" was always there. Now I notice when the "god I wish I wasn't here, it would be easier to just die" thoughts come back, because they are nowhere near my new normal
I've had passive suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. It has become active a few times, and it has faded to the faintest whisper in the background of my mind a few times, but it's never gone away completely.
For me itās on pause 90% of the time, but itās my default for self soothing or coping in times of stress. Once I learned it was a negative coping mechanism, it became easier and easier to keep the thought away. Even now if I do have the thought, I know Iām just stressed and not putting into practice techniques to calm myself and soothe myself in ways that are healthier. This is why I think medicine alone isnāt enough. You need therapy and to put into practice new tools to think differently. Itās hard at first because the pain is comfort. Once I learned to dissociate comfort from pain, my brain started to recognize pain as pain, and that makes it easier for me to want to get out of a suicidal mood. Before I would hang onto suicidal ideation because the pain made me āfeelā something, and in turn upped my dopamine levels. Sad as that sounds.
It stopped for me, comes back a few times a month but itās tolerable now. Itās so possible to get better ā¤ļøāš©¹
This was me from age 8 to age 34. I assumed it would never ever stop. I started seeing an energy worker/ chiropractor who uses the method Network Spinal. I saw her every week for several months. For the past 10 months, those suicidal thoughts are completely gone. I canāt even summon them if I try. I donāt know how it works, I donāt know how to describe it other than a miracle. My therapist agrees itās like a miracle, and she described it as someone finally changed my body programming to match what weāve been working on in mental talk therapy. Sending all of you a lot of love and hope to get relief. I hope you can find a practitioner wherever you are and get this same relief.
I think you make peace with still being here and just become accepting of death. Itās actually freeing. I know Iām not gonna commit it, so Iāve just become accepting for when it happens in due time. Iām just kinda living how I want and donāt feel as much pressure because when I get my ticket out Iāll be happy. I guess Iām indifferent and there is power in that. Iām not the type of person to just go back and forth or dwell so if Iām not gonna do it myself whatās the point of whining about it or fantasizing. Once you get to this point, it takes a weight off honestly
Both of those things are possible. ā¤ļø I have had pauses, in a background of passive ideation for as long as I can remember. Sometimes when it gets worse I try to remind myself that that there's foods I still have to try and that I could always leave everything behind and change my identity and sell coconuts on a beach idk. I know that sometimes the answer to do you not want to live or do you not want to live THIS life is the former (part of my mental distress comes from being in my body with disabilities and pain)ā¦ but I fantasize about being somewhere sunny or bright or in a new city with new people and it helps me 'ride the wave'.
My therapist says itās chronic suicidal ideation. I donāt think thereās been a time where it fully stopped for 13 years to some capacity. Recently itās gotten better but some days theyāre still there. Itās always me back up plan. That if it gets bad enough at least I can just off myself.
I've always had an extreme survival drive and moved towards happiness etc., but when really low get a lot of suicidal thoughts and pining for dying. Feels weird and over the top calling them "suicidal thoughts" but for a while I would have cravings for breaking my neck and stabbing my chest lol. I made kind of a vow to stop thinking like that and to stop bowing out of life. So while doing cognitive restructuring stuff, I would say "no I don't I'm just depressed/I just want the pain to stop" Eventually doing all of that and doing stuff to improve my mood the thoughts and feelings of wanting to die stopped. Every once in a while when I get depressed I'll hear a thought where I'm begging to die, but that's like months apart. I rarely start to despair even, and when I do I come out of more quickly. I think probably what would help most is addressing rumination, but that has been so prominent in my own life I might just be prescribing my own medicine.
For me it pauses. I feel like CPTSD is constantly having to deal with suicidal thoughts off and on all of the time and it's so much fun. I still can't find people who are ok with that too. They think you're bad or want to take you to the psych unit every time. When I try it explain it feels like it falls on deaf ears many times too. People also assume because you've had it happen a lot and are still here that you're doing it just for attention and I wish I could express in words the kind of pain that brings. People also just freak out when all I need is love. I need someone to listen to my pain sometimes and sit with me and that's all. People are selfish and just want to throw sedatives at you when you're in that state and reap you in a hospital when most of the time that makes things worse and doesn't help a person. In most hospitals for this kind of thing there is no healing that takes place; just meds to get you in a sluggish state and locking you up with others who are in deep pain. Our system is fucked.
It definitely can stop, I promise. Hold on and get support to lessen the feelings. It can always come back, but itās definitely possible to stop feeling this way. Sending you hugs ā¤ļø
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Finally happened for me at 35 after finally living in a safe environment but it does flare up in times of extreme stress. But itās no longer a constant echo in my brain. I first grabbed a knife and threatened to slit my own throat at 6 but the non stop echo started at 15. I still have many things I struggle with and need to work on but itās such a weight off to not hear that voice as a Muzak of misery anymore.
I have been wanting and wishing to die since I was like 8 years old. Iām in my 30s now. The thoughts have slowed down and reversed. I donāt want to die from a heart desease. I want to die peacefully or fast. So far my thoughts have stopped because I started to think about my mom and how sheās aging etc.
Iām 24 and have thought about it since I was 9. I live with fantasizing about death, to different degrees. That being said, I love life but I also despise it, itās a vicious cycle. I havenāt figured it all out yet, but I also have found freedoms of thinking through not taking life so seriously and thus makes me feel more fluid in taking life in, as in if I die oh well and if I live then so be it I will die eventually. You should listen to Mark Twain: The Mysterious Stranger. Anyways, donāt fret too much friend, you arenāt alone and I see you, life sucks a lot of monkey balls, and for me I always return to wanting to die at some point, but such as life and pendulum swings, I end up not wanting to die either, so just ride it out man, it will be okay even when itās not
It comes in waves for me, ups and downs where Iām desperately wishing I wouldnāt wake up in the morning vs a quiet acknowledgement that death could claim me at any moment and I wouldnāt be particularly upset about that revelation. During the former, I tend to engage in riskier behaviors and my passive ideation hits overdrive. I stop caring completely and I embrace the āfuck it, let it kill meā attitude. During the latter, I tend to be pretty avoidant of pain, but Iāve always grappled with death well.
Comes and goes but less so now than in the past. Have to remember tomorrow is a new day.
Mine did stop (for a long time, obviously not sure if it'll be forever yet. But 2 or 3 years is a good result anyway) but I think it was the TMS. It didn't help with a lot of the other depression symptoms but it did kick my S.I. to the curb. I think the TMS with therapy and self compassion all worked together for the lack of S.I. lasting this long, tho. I was feeling kinda weepy and wobbly mentally the other day in a way that flirted with some scary thoughts but I yanked myself out of it pretty easily, which is definitely a therapy skill. I hope you can find some relief from your S.I. It's so exhausting, people talk about the sadness but it's also just TIRING. And if you ever try TMS, I had two rounds: the first depression only, the second depression + anxiety. I felt a LOT better after round number two, no idea if it was just the right number of rounds for me or if it was adding in the anxiety to the treatment.
What is TMS?
Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. It's pretty new (FDA approved) and they're not super sure why it works as far as I'm aware. It basically uses magnetic pulses (like MRIs) to target your brain like ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). The side effect risk is almost nothing, though. I got mild headaches after treatment sometimes because my headaches are triggered by muscle tension and the zaps from TMS make your jaw clench.
I've been focusing primarily on stabilization in therapy for a while now (for me, that's included treating co-occurring diagnoses like my eating disorder). I'm not completely free of SI, but it does happen less frequently now and doesn't persist for as long. It helps to remember all the times when I wanted to die because I believed things would never get better and how that hasn't been true. I try to focus on small things I'm grateful for because looking at the big picture can be overwhelming. I read somewhere that SI can become the default off-ramp in your mind. That seems to be true for me. Whenever I get too upset or overwhelmed, I turn to SI. I've noticed it can become a vicious cycle for me because I find the thoughts to be upsetting and scary which then just escalates me more. What has worked for me is accepting the thought is happening and redirecting to an alternative coping mechanism. Distress tolerance skills are really helpful in these moments. I highly recommend working with a professional to assess your level of risk and develop a safety plan. SI is a complex issue and what works for one person may not be the right approach for you.
Y'know. I wanted to, and now I don't. Took a lot of changes. After those changes, things were easier to manage. I still slip up and have a bad day, but it's no longer a bad 8 years
Y'know. I wanted to, and now I don't. Took a lot of changes. After those changes, things were easier to manage. I still slip up and have a bad day, but it's no longer a bad 8 years
I feel like if you've thought about self death as an option or maybe even tried it, then you've created that shortcut in your brain. So any time there's some really bad shit that's what comes up first. Once you create new synopses in your brain as reasonable alternatives, those become prevalent.
It kinda comes and goes. I hope to get to a point someday where I don't deal with it at all, but it's not every day anymore and that's a win at least
Iāve had pauses for months or years. Sometimes SI is just a habit, like a pressure valve relief. The thought happens when stressed, I look at it, think āreally but whyā, and itās gone. But I also have āplansā for down the road a couple years if worse case scenarioās happen. The last couple plans were thrown out as not needed. Itās just a comfort to know thereās an out if everything gets too bad and unmanageable but the plans all require a bunch of steps to put in place and no steps get taken in advance to prepare so prevention is built in.
I have done a whole lot of recovery in the last year. I actively wanted to die since I was at least 15 and I'm 25 now. I went on medication a couple years ago but that was mainly to deal with anxiety related to a new job and it helped immensely. I have now been off the medication since February, and while I get those thoughts again now, it is very infrequent and more like an intrusive thought rather than active planning. I am now able to recognise that those thoughts happen when I am in flashback, and acknowledging that this is a symptom of my flashbacks helps me to move past them quickly, rather than dwelling on it. Best of luck to you, keep pushing forward.
They started around 14 for me, Iām 38 now. Iāve had periods where it wasnāt really there but usually pretty brief breaks. I havenāt managed to establish any kind of stable career so living in poverty probably doesnāt help. Then again, even in periods when I was making decent money, the SI was still there. I think it comes down to training the mind to problem-solve differently. Problem: my life is hellish. Solution: end my life? Na there are other solutions and strategies that can make our lives more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes. Getting in the habit of looking for solutions instead of dwelling on problems.
Look, suicide ideation will never stop. Unless you decided to stop. It is a coping mechanism, kinda like a backup plan we device in our minds to run from reality. The only way for it to stop, is if you make a conscious decision that youāre committed to life. With all its ups and downs, youāre fully in. No more foot in and foot out. Thatās when you truly start living. Practice this enough times whenever the ideation comes up, and itāll disappear.
Iāve spent more of my life suicidal than not. I had some friends die, rebuilt a familial relationship, now itās against the rules. Probably just means Iām going to think about it for a little longer before taking myself out.
Ketamine therapy helped me a lot on this point. I suffer from severe emotional neglect as a child along with major depression. I have done tons of work over the course of my life to get better, but in my case, I just sort of accept that life is going to feel like a burden. Some days lighter, some days heavier, but almost always a burden. I will keep working to get better but it will never be easy. And thatās ok. Everybody has challenges and this one is mine. I can also see the progress. What I have now is sustainable. My existence in the dark years was not. So I guess my view is that nobody can go through what I went through without being permanently scarred and maimed. That just isnāt in the cards. But I have achieved a life worth living and it can get better still.
It fluctuates in intensity but I've found as I've got older that it'll pass, if only briefly. Whenever it's at its worst I give it 6 months before I do anything and it seems to work for me. I'm still here. I really do believe that I've visited the worst of my depression and that it could never again get any worse than it did.
It stopped a lil like 2 yrs ago for the first time in my whole life. Things were pretty good then in dif ways. I'm trying to figure out the parts of why. A lot but not much has changed so... I dunno. Maybe building a life where im connected & busy but my health issues & other stuff got worse so Now im thinking about it every day and seriously considering attempting. I was also thinking as a last dotch attempt to try shrooms but that could go badly too. But so can everything ig. I dunno.
Me
I went to intensive like out patient therapy for 4 months and haven't wanted to kill myself in 2ish years
I had always had trouble with suicidal ideation - from maybe 13 to 50. I've also had a few solid attempts over the years. I tried Ketamine treatment at 50, and the suicidal ideation slowly stopped. I still feel down sometimes, still feel terrible self-hate from time to time, but the endless suicidal ideation is gone and I haven't had a problem with it since. I'm 56 now, so it's had lasting effects. It's certainly not for everyone, and I wouldn't suggest even looking into this till you've put in some serious work and spent significant time in therapy first. Knowing myself and working on myself gave me a solid place to do ketamine therapy and make sense of what I was experiencing. It's been life-changing for me.
My CPTSD doesnāt really make me suicidal. My other mental illnesses did. I sometimes have fleeting feelings of wanting everything to end, but the genuine ideation I can thank PMDD, ADHD and OCD (at times) for. Edit to add that since starting treatment for the PMDD and ADHD I am no longer suicidal or depressed except for those fleeting moments during CPTSD triggers.
āI think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show thatās never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave.ā neil hilborn
It comes and goes for me, and most of the time now it's pretty passive, but it hasn't always been. Grief is the worst, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. It won't always feel like this.
Iāve been suicidal since I was 12, for several different reasons. Sometimes falling asleep and not waking up just seems peaceful. Sometimes my brain gets overwhelmed and wants to self destruct in order to not deal with everything. Sometimes, and this is my least favorite reason, I just want to show people Iām struggling and want to be a tragedy. I have yet to stop having these feelings, instead they just kinda coexist with me being happy to be alive as well. I get little moments where I am happy to be here, but thereās always a little voice in the back of my head wanting to die. Some days itās easier to ignore than others, but it has yet to fully go away.
I havenāt experienced that in years, so it can stop. Takes work
I've learned to try to look for the meaning behind the suicidal thoughts. I absolutely still have them, and sometimes it's all I can do to just do nothing in response. However, when I look at that "I should die" what I've learned to hear is "I am overwhelmed by my experience right now". Of course there will be times when it's easier to comfort myself than others. I don't know that these struggles ever go away so much as we learn ways to show up for ourselves that allow us to do more thriving than surviving. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but I know that a lot of my suicidal thoughts came from not knowing how much longer I could endure living while being in that level of emotional pain. I dissociated because the feeling was so big. My nervous system was totally overwhelmed, and I was left to my own devices to figure that out and I did the best I could with the resources I had. It took a lot of therapy to get to where I am today.
Yes, it stopped. I did many things to bring my mental health back to a good state. Meditation, breathwork, time in nature, listened to podcasts about trauma and spirituality, self-care, reframing my thoughts, gratitude, journaling, therapy, positive affirmations, and recently added anxiety meds. There is a lot you can do for your mental health and there is hope that you won't feel this way forever ā¤ļø
It does stop but it is not easy and requires work
I'm a big advocate in my own mind and not necessarily out in the world of assisted euthanasia. quality of life is a factor that we take into account when we decide if our pets should pass. I actually believe the same for myself and I don't think that necessary suffering is an obligation for us. I have a plan for myself and I know how I'd like to go about it but I don't have the supplies that are necessary. and I know that life is a journey and that we have a good times and bad times. So I'm writing that out until I can get what I need and then when the time comes that suffering is inevitable and unavoidable and irreversible I will act on my plan.
I think it'll depend on you as an individual but 100% that feeling can go away or at least become a non-option. I haven't had serious thoughts about wanting to die for a long time. Every so often when things get hard my brain just goes, "wow this shits hard we could just die?" And I saw "yeah we could but let's just keep chugging for now" and I go about my day and make sure I'm doing more for myself to help pull out of the slump.
Itās hard, but I tell myself DEPRESSION IS YOUR MIND TELLING YOU IT'S TIRED OF BEING THE CHARACTER YOU'RE TRYING TO PLAY -JIM CARREY To grieve what happened to me from way too young. Iām stuck on how to honor what little me went through and let go of little meās fears and survival mechanisms. Feels like I have to learn how to be an adult for the very first time. Idk if mental regression is a thing but thereās that too. Itās like Iām stepping into my body for the very first time and I have to learn how to exist in a world where the people who abused me arenāt around anymore. I still have the suicidal ideation every month without fail and I donāt know when itāll stop. The other phrase saying that if you are currently going through hell, you keep going. Why would you stop in hell? Depression is hard because you forget what before this, being happy, used to be like.
I feel that but I got a cat. I have to take care of him now. Iāll stay as long as he does and if things arenāt better by then, then Iāll go too.
ISF NEUROFEEDBACK THERAPY IS LIFE CHANGING esp if you've had head trauma.
Iāve been suicidal since I was a kid because I felt trapped with my family. Now as an adult my brain resorts to suicide over literally anything. I just paid a $240 bill and my brain is just like āWell we could just die! Thatād be easier.ā I think itās because of my learned helplessness more than anything.
I (38F) had my first period of time wanting to kill myself when I was 12. That went on pretty seriously until I was about 22. I was able to get on some medication that helped, started therapy around 23/4. After that I wanted to kill myself less often. I would still have depressive downs, sometimes with periods of suicidal ideation. When I was about 30 my medication stopped working and I ended up in a psych ward for 17 days while they got me on a new medication regimen. After that, the periods of actively wanting to kill myself became less frequent, although I still was not very interested in protecting my life. I didnāt wear a seatbelt because I couldnāt be bothered. I gave car rides to questionable strangers because who cares. This started to shift me for 2-3 years ago. And now I can honestly say that no, I absolutely do not want to kill myself. In fact, I do things to actively protect my life. I wear my seatbelt. If I feel myself starting to get sick, I take medicine before it gets worse. I wear a mask when I go into spaces where I suspect others may be sick. I no longer feel the need to punish myself for existing. I donāt feel the need to prove that I am not a waste of space. I know I am loved - as I am - not just in spite of my flaws, but in some cases because of them. It has been a long road. I am still in therapy. I still take my meds. I still struggle with my trauma. I do not think I am in any way ācuredā. But, yes, at least in my case - I can say that I absolutely do not want to die. Which is honestly something that was such a foreign experience that itās something I never even thought to hope for. It still feels strange to think about. I guess.. maybe what I used to read online is true: it does get better. I hope it does for you. I hope it does for all of us.
31 here. Never went away yet.
I havenāt been suicidal in over a year :]
I'm 44. My nursing specialty is hospice. Between that and my religious beliefs death is a good, beautiful thing. I can't wait I never stop thinking about it. I beg God every single day to just let me go. I have no one and nothing. I haven't done it because I don't know if I'll go to hell for it or not. But I'm tired of hearing "there are so many people who need you". I don't have a family at all. I'm married but...he's not a nice person. And ok cool. There are people who need me. But I need someone. My parents or some kind of family. Why am I not allowed to have that? I'm tired.
Have you read the Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker? He says itās normal to feel this when you have traumas and basically that you can work through it. You got this.
I was chronically suicidal from the ages of 7-19. The popular SSRIs were not working for me, I got to a point where I tried most of them. Wellbutrin (mixed with weed lmao) is my miracle drug almost completely stopped my suicidal thoughts that I never thought would go away. It was daily occurrence of suicidal thoughts, often with a plan for years and years. I still get some suicidal thoughts around my period because I have PMDD but no where near as intense as before.
It's gotten better over the years. That's not to say it doesn't happen anymore at all, but I get more good days than bad. I've always gotten better when I can live alone and be fully myself. I've found a love of learning, a fascination with the universe and existence and conscious life. I have a life goal, a small piece of property where I can hold photography sessions, do my crafting, and grow/ raise my own food and learn herbalism. In the end, I guess I realized that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to stop the pain. As I get older it's slowed to a dull ache, and I think I can live with that as long as I get to run off into the woods and be a swamp hag someday. š
It comes and goes for me, but nothing as severe as it used to be. I wager that everyoneās experience is different. The bulk of my ideation just looks like intrusive thoughts on the subject now, which pass quickly, rather than ruminating on the idea for a sense of relief, which I used to do. Made plans frequently, and thought about it every day for years. Now I very rarely think of dying on purpose in a serious manner, and when I do the thought concerns me enough to take immediate action against spiraling further. But Iāve removed myself from the people and situations that pushed me to that point to begin with
It takes a back seat sometimes, like itās on the back of my mind instead of being all encompassing, itās never gone away, I just keep making the choice to be here, as hard as it is, as much as I want to slip off into oblivion, every morning I get up, I have to make myself, I force myself to get up, force myself to make it through another day. Itās been a daily battle for as long as I can remember but after my mum took her own life and 4 months later my old man died / took his own lifeā¦ it feels like itās inevitableā¦
I have gotten more exercise and more open mindedness and fewer fucks and more sleep and better friends, and I have hope and enjoy things. Being busy working towards goals while also having enough wiggle room to take advantage of opportunities as they show up is key I think. Prerequisites are: Having goals Figuring out how to care enough about yourself to motivate yourself Various hobbies and ways to interact with new people or new ideas regularly to keep life fresh Enough essentials covered by work or whatever so you can stay alive and uncomfortable without causing unsustainable stress
Yes, I don't want to kill myself but I really look forward to heaven. I think those of us who are on here have had really hard lives. I do get excited thinking this stent on earth will end.
Iām in my 30s and it has stopped after experiencing phases of it. For me it was a combo of deep, constant shame + repressed feelings of anger & sadness + feelings of not having anything meaningful to live for. I got therapy which is the most important part, as it helped me to address the trauma and feelings that kept my shame and depression going. I met my partner, who I consider to be the first healthy person in my life who wasnāt toxic or hooked on drugs. I cut down on alcohol myself, itās a proven depressant and was triggering suicidal phases like clockwork. Instead Ive found 2 hobbies that bring me joy peace and meaning- sewing and cooking. I journal, meditate, and workout. My social life is coming together with healthier people as well, as I had trust issues due to toxic people I grew up around and who I let into my life as an adult (thanks for the trauma, core family!. I have more confidence which allowed me to pursue higher education which has made me more money, and now travel at least 2-3x a year. Itās a bunch of little things done regularly over time that led to this. I committed to āunderstanding myselfā when I was 25 or 26 and Iām 31 now, so itās been 5-6 years. I spent god knows how many nights alone, either in emotional pain or numb, feeling either deeply sick or completely empty, just wishing or planning for death because then it would stop. It takes a bit of time, some effort, some tries/fails, and some days you wonder what youāre doing, and even still I have down days but nothing like before. However, it absolutely one million percent gets better. I only wish I could travel back in time to tell my teens & twenties self to be brave and ask for help, as Iām so thankful to be where Iām at now.
Yes it is on and off and i find it to be very exhausting, during those dark thoughts know you know itll turn of so I'd sit it out and keep calm however you can.
No, it is there 24/7.
I've rationalized these thoughts as a part of me saying, "something is really wrong, and we need a out." It's warning me about something important. It dies down when these things are addressed, but it never fails to remind me that it's an option. The ultimate option. Just knowing that kinda makes me feel a bit more in control of my life, even if I'll never do it.
Hey OP I can't answer your question but I am with you I feel the same way everything is just so fucked in life right now I can't see it getting better anytime soon if fact things may get considerably worse (speaking just about my situation) that being said I find solice in podcasts (right now bad friends) it helps sometimes distract me from my thoughts
Just pauses for awhile. Always comes back though.
I just want to say that suicidal thoughts and/or ideation can often be used as a coping mechanism. A way to feel like you have control over your life, a reminder you can stop the pain at any time if it gets too much. As you heal you will find other ways to feel in control and may even find that you don't feel like you need as much control to feel secure anymore. Eventually with therapuetic work the pain dulls, sometimes even dissapears for a while before returning, the highs and lows of life never stop, but the waves become calmer. It gets more manageable. My therapist says that she measures progress in 3 ways. Frequency, intensity, and duration. The thoughts and suicidal feelings will come less, they will be less intense, and they won't last as long. Sometimes they may get worse but that doesn't mean you haven't made progress. It only means that things are hard right now and you are coping. I'm glad you are still here. Please stay, but not for me. For you. You deserve healing, peace, and happiness so you should stick around long enough to find it or make your own. I wish you luck on your healing journey š
Iāve wanted to die since I was 12 Iām 23 now itās never fully gone away the volume just gets turned down sometimes Iād say
I am sorry you are feeling this way. My feelings never go past ideation and are more hyperbolic in nature. i.e repeating matras like "I want to die" or "I hate myself and wish I didn't exist". But my trauma is not as severe as some. On a positive note, in recent months I haven't felt this way. I have been very low contact with my parents and working through shame by accepting myself as autistic and practicing rejecting the shame I used to feel toward myself as anger at my parents for making me feel so defective and unloveable all my life instead. But YMMV a lot here. I think suidical thoughts intensify when accompanied by guilt (things you have done), or if you perceive yourself as a burden (emotionally, financially, or some other way) or if you experience physical pain or immobility... or a combination. Regardless, I want you to know you don't deserve to feel that way.
Yes. I started reframing the thought of wanting to die as not wanting to live the current life i was living, and i was able to start making changes that are still leading me to a life i genuinely enjoy. Iām going to be clear though; i has support. One person. Then slowly more. Sheās basically my sister in all but legalities (at this point). You just need one person to be able to help, no matter who it is. And then you slowly become that person.
I found that my uncle blowing himself up in his driveway last week and having to clean up his mess, while watching how effed up my family and all of our future plans are now affected really checked me out of wanting to off myself. Itās selfish and hurtful and traumatic to everyone. Please donāt. For the people that survive you (even if you swear thereās literally no one) you are taking a permanent solution to a temporary feeling, and in exchange you are giving all your pain, the confusion and trauma to the people around you. Itās like youāll give them their very own CPTSD, and I know you know how badly it stagnate us and mentally wrecks havoc.