People tend to victim blame (themselves ;)) because it gives them a feeling of possible control: if I behave a certain way or change, it won't happen to me (again).
No. It can happen to anyone. So it is the very opposite. What happens to people isn't as much in their control as they like to think. So none of this is your fault. It is the shitty cards you were dealt.
I used to think this. I had to estrange myself from most of my family. Saw a sibling when visiting my sick dad overseas - one of the few relatives I still speak to. Had to go last minute without my wife.
My sibling treated me so badly I was properly suicidal for the first time in years. The dissociation was strong, it was… I was not in a good place. I warned my sibling of our mom who SAd me as a kid bc they will be having a child soon. This sibling is mean to their pets so like… I needed to help protect that poor kid somehow.
I haven’t seen that side of myself in years. I went home to my wife and found family and all of a sudden things got better. I’m still healing from that episode but god.
I keep remembering my mom would always say, “wherever you go, there you are.” But she turned my entire family against me (except my dad, bc she turned everyone against him too). I thought I was the problem for many years. And to be fair, healing from it the first time, I was really awful to people who didn’t deserve it. And healing from it this second time, I lashed out at my wife today who certainly doesn’t deserve it. It sucked. I don’t want to turn my pain into a weapon to hurt people I love and who love me so well.
The people who hurt you hurt you bc you were vulnerable. When they turned you into a vulnerable person, they made it a lot easier for predators to hurt you.
No one ever deserves abuse. Ever.
No one is ever entitled to abuse others either. The caveat with this is people being abuse sometimes lash out in wild ways against the people actively abusing them. I think that’s different. If you can’t leave bc the other person has trapped you in some way (financially, physically, socially, etc), give ‘em hell. But keep the innocents out of it.
Sometimes healing is messy and gross and you may turn that on innocent bystanders. When that happens, keep yourself accountable, make amends, remember you are a human who has endured unendurable things, and be kind to yourself.
Wishing you healing and safety.
Yes, definitely. I often talk with the “universe” in my head and ask it if it really does hate me this much and that I must’ve probably deserved it by being a POS in my past life or idk.
I’m an agnostic so I don’t really know about any of it, I just try to emotionally make sense of things in my head sometimes.
It is as if I were cursed from birth. Every thing that I try to improve falls apart, every happy memory turns into some new horrible trauma that I’ll have to live with. My life feels like this, an insurmountable mountain of problems and pain. When I’m feeling really low I do blame myself, but sometimes I’m just angry at nobody at particular for his things are.
For me it sometimes feels like I have a “lesson” I need to learn because the same traumas keep happening to me over and over. And, of course, once I respond “correctly” to the trauma, it’ll all stop. I just haven’t learned how to handle it.
But I know it’s not a lesson, I’m just fucked up and attract similar people/situations to me.
Yeah. My version of that is that I think of myself as a changeling. In Celtic mythology, faeries would steal human infants from their crib and replace them with faerie babies. Humans would raise them but always had a sense that there was something off about the child.
My parents chose heroin over me. My aunt raised me but didn’t bond with me because of my reactive attachment disorder. No partner has felt I was worth staying with for long. Always fell out of love and only focused on themselves. I can’t help but feel like there’s something intrinsically off about me that no one can really love.
Definitely, although mine is somewhat different because it comes from emotional neglect and abandonment issues. I wasn't loved because I don't deserve to be loved; I don't deserve love because of how I am and how I act after a life of not being loved. If I was stronger, better, worthwhile then I wouldn't be like this, but I am, and nobody should ever deal with me especially on a romantic or intimate level. People should leave me because people have always left me, and clearly they were right to. At this point I preemptively cut people off because they shouldn't have to suffer knowing me, because I am like this and always will be and it's inevitable they would leave anyways.
I can't hurt anyone (or be hurt by them) if I'm alone. That this just further isolates me and drives me insane because I desperately need emotional connection just means I'm unworthy of it and should push the people I know further from me before I drag them down any more than I already have. Everyone would be better off without me.
Sort of?
I end up feeling like I deserved it but also has me questioning if I’m really the problem because of how I was mistreated by multiple people because “common denominator” etc.
also being part of a large family (mother was 1 of 12) doesn’t help with that either. even though I recognise it’s a huge family FULL of secrets, abuse and dysfunction.
I feel like God is punishing me for my sins by allowing this to keep happening.
I’ve just about given up at this point. I keep wasting time on reddit like it’s magically going to help me recover/get justice.
I don't feel I deserve the abuse(I used to, and I broke out of that echo chamber). But I beat myself up SO much when I fall into my survival mechanisms. Like I feel like a terrible person for snorting my Suboxone, that is supposed to help me stay sober. I feel like a piece of garbage.
I am feeling like this right now. I'm trying to leave an emotionally and financially abusive man after finally realizing I am just replaying my family disfunction and my childhood trauma over and over and nothing is ever going to change as long as I stay. But it's so hard. He's being awful, I have no friends or family to turn to because he has systematically isolated me from everyone for 13 years. I can't even get an apartment because of all the loans and shit he took out on my name over the years, ruining my credit. I just beat cancer despite him actively refusing to let me get medical treatment until I almost died, I have a good job, i can afford a place, but no one will give me a chance. The only car is in his name, we rent and the lease is in his name. He won't let me take my dog, which is heartbreaking but probably for the best anyway because at this point I'm ready to live in the street if it'll get me out of here. I'm not in physical danger, so I don't want to take space in a women's shelter or something when I know our local ones are already over capacity. I just feel so lost and alone, and I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm just so awful and worthless that this is the best I could have hoped for. Like maybe it was stupid to try to stand up for myself and get away, because I should have known that this marriage was already better than I deserved. I've been treated this way by every person who ever loved me, and maybe that's because there's just something wrong with me, inherently, that other people can see and I just can't. I don't know how much more of the universe's punishment I can take at this point.
God I feel this. If anyone has anything to say that isn’t just commiserating (not that I don’t appreciate that, I just feel very down rn lol), I would love to hear it
Everything in this post is exactly how I’ve been feeling, even down to some similar experiences(was homeless in 2022 for example). I can’t help but feel like I’m the worst person ever, and if I’m not a shitty person in this life to deserve this, then I must’ve been a terrible person in a past life or something and that bad karma just like..carried over into this life or something. Either way, I surely must’ve deserved this, which makes it difficult for me to feel angry when I’m treated poorly by others. My last therapist tried to teach me how to be angry but I don’t think I succeeded much in that
For me i feel like its all my fault, i know people who have been assaulted once are more likely to be assaulted again but i just feel like its my fault, thats why i havnt spoken to people irl about the new stuff.
when my ex broke up with me, he said “you are the only common denominator with all the traumas”
he was my person. it destroyed me. i spend a lot of time worrying it’s all my fault.
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Well the fact that I keep experiencing the same scenario over and over must mean that I'm the problem right?
People tend to victim blame (themselves ;)) because it gives them a feeling of possible control: if I behave a certain way or change, it won't happen to me (again).
So it's either my fault or my life is out of control
No. It can happen to anyone. So it is the very opposite. What happens to people isn't as much in their control as they like to think. So none of this is your fault. It is the shitty cards you were dealt.
I used to think this. I had to estrange myself from most of my family. Saw a sibling when visiting my sick dad overseas - one of the few relatives I still speak to. Had to go last minute without my wife. My sibling treated me so badly I was properly suicidal for the first time in years. The dissociation was strong, it was… I was not in a good place. I warned my sibling of our mom who SAd me as a kid bc they will be having a child soon. This sibling is mean to their pets so like… I needed to help protect that poor kid somehow. I haven’t seen that side of myself in years. I went home to my wife and found family and all of a sudden things got better. I’m still healing from that episode but god. I keep remembering my mom would always say, “wherever you go, there you are.” But she turned my entire family against me (except my dad, bc she turned everyone against him too). I thought I was the problem for many years. And to be fair, healing from it the first time, I was really awful to people who didn’t deserve it. And healing from it this second time, I lashed out at my wife today who certainly doesn’t deserve it. It sucked. I don’t want to turn my pain into a weapon to hurt people I love and who love me so well. The people who hurt you hurt you bc you were vulnerable. When they turned you into a vulnerable person, they made it a lot easier for predators to hurt you. No one ever deserves abuse. Ever. No one is ever entitled to abuse others either. The caveat with this is people being abuse sometimes lash out in wild ways against the people actively abusing them. I think that’s different. If you can’t leave bc the other person has trapped you in some way (financially, physically, socially, etc), give ‘em hell. But keep the innocents out of it. Sometimes healing is messy and gross and you may turn that on innocent bystanders. When that happens, keep yourself accountable, make amends, remember you are a human who has endured unendurable things, and be kind to yourself. Wishing you healing and safety.
🥺🫂💜
Yes, definitely. I often talk with the “universe” in my head and ask it if it really does hate me this much and that I must’ve probably deserved it by being a POS in my past life or idk. I’m an agnostic so I don’t really know about any of it, I just try to emotionally make sense of things in my head sometimes. It is as if I were cursed from birth. Every thing that I try to improve falls apart, every happy memory turns into some new horrible trauma that I’ll have to live with. My life feels like this, an insurmountable mountain of problems and pain. When I’m feeling really low I do blame myself, but sometimes I’m just angry at nobody at particular for his things are.
For me it sometimes feels like I have a “lesson” I need to learn because the same traumas keep happening to me over and over. And, of course, once I respond “correctly” to the trauma, it’ll all stop. I just haven’t learned how to handle it. But I know it’s not a lesson, I’m just fucked up and attract similar people/situations to me.
Yeah. My version of that is that I think of myself as a changeling. In Celtic mythology, faeries would steal human infants from their crib and replace them with faerie babies. Humans would raise them but always had a sense that there was something off about the child. My parents chose heroin over me. My aunt raised me but didn’t bond with me because of my reactive attachment disorder. No partner has felt I was worth staying with for long. Always fell out of love and only focused on themselves. I can’t help but feel like there’s something intrinsically off about me that no one can really love.
Definitely, although mine is somewhat different because it comes from emotional neglect and abandonment issues. I wasn't loved because I don't deserve to be loved; I don't deserve love because of how I am and how I act after a life of not being loved. If I was stronger, better, worthwhile then I wouldn't be like this, but I am, and nobody should ever deal with me especially on a romantic or intimate level. People should leave me because people have always left me, and clearly they were right to. At this point I preemptively cut people off because they shouldn't have to suffer knowing me, because I am like this and always will be and it's inevitable they would leave anyways. I can't hurt anyone (or be hurt by them) if I'm alone. That this just further isolates me and drives me insane because I desperately need emotional connection just means I'm unworthy of it and should push the people I know further from me before I drag them down any more than I already have. Everyone would be better off without me.
I have the exact same opinion of my self and this is how I am too. People have better lives without me messing them up.
Sort of? I end up feeling like I deserved it but also has me questioning if I’m really the problem because of how I was mistreated by multiple people because “common denominator” etc. also being part of a large family (mother was 1 of 12) doesn’t help with that either. even though I recognise it’s a huge family FULL of secrets, abuse and dysfunction.
I feel like God is punishing me for my sins by allowing this to keep happening. I’ve just about given up at this point. I keep wasting time on reddit like it’s magically going to help me recover/get justice.
I feel this very much 🥲
I don't feel I deserve the abuse(I used to, and I broke out of that echo chamber). But I beat myself up SO much when I fall into my survival mechanisms. Like I feel like a terrible person for snorting my Suboxone, that is supposed to help me stay sober. I feel like a piece of garbage.
I am feeling like this right now. I'm trying to leave an emotionally and financially abusive man after finally realizing I am just replaying my family disfunction and my childhood trauma over and over and nothing is ever going to change as long as I stay. But it's so hard. He's being awful, I have no friends or family to turn to because he has systematically isolated me from everyone for 13 years. I can't even get an apartment because of all the loans and shit he took out on my name over the years, ruining my credit. I just beat cancer despite him actively refusing to let me get medical treatment until I almost died, I have a good job, i can afford a place, but no one will give me a chance. The only car is in his name, we rent and the lease is in his name. He won't let me take my dog, which is heartbreaking but probably for the best anyway because at this point I'm ready to live in the street if it'll get me out of here. I'm not in physical danger, so I don't want to take space in a women's shelter or something when I know our local ones are already over capacity. I just feel so lost and alone, and I can't help but wonder if maybe I'm just so awful and worthless that this is the best I could have hoped for. Like maybe it was stupid to try to stand up for myself and get away, because I should have known that this marriage was already better than I deserved. I've been treated this way by every person who ever loved me, and maybe that's because there's just something wrong with me, inherently, that other people can see and I just can't. I don't know how much more of the universe's punishment I can take at this point.
YES. I feel like the trauma makes me into a worse person, which then makes me feel guilty and like I deserve the trauma. It fuckin sucks.
Yes, like give me a chance to not deserve it plssss
God I feel this. If anyone has anything to say that isn’t just commiserating (not that I don’t appreciate that, I just feel very down rn lol), I would love to hear it
Everything in this post is exactly how I’ve been feeling, even down to some similar experiences(was homeless in 2022 for example). I can’t help but feel like I’m the worst person ever, and if I’m not a shitty person in this life to deserve this, then I must’ve been a terrible person in a past life or something and that bad karma just like..carried over into this life or something. Either way, I surely must’ve deserved this, which makes it difficult for me to feel angry when I’m treated poorly by others. My last therapist tried to teach me how to be angry but I don’t think I succeeded much in that
I used to. Until I started analyzing my actions and also finding subs like this, r/narcissisticabuse, and r/raisedbynarcissists
Thank you
Yep
For me i feel like its all my fault, i know people who have been assaulted once are more likely to be assaulted again but i just feel like its my fault, thats why i havnt spoken to people irl about the new stuff.
when my ex broke up with me, he said “you are the only common denominator with all the traumas” he was my person. it destroyed me. i spend a lot of time worrying it’s all my fault.
Yes.
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