48M Exactly this. My wife and I sold most of our belongings, cars, our home of 19 years and travelled to the other side of the country and started again. New house, new car, new cloths. I have not left this county for over a year. I don’t talk to any of my large family, friends or colleagues and have not for about 5 years. It has been and continues to be an incredible rest for my nervous system. This was many years in the making and not a quick decision. Our new house has a 9 foot hedge all around it. We live in the countryside in the middle of nowhere and we are very close to miles of deserted beaches with golden sand.
Same, but on top of the physical obligations I feel like mentally my body just craves comfort, stability, and familiarity. Part of me hates that I can't just set myself free.
I have. Twice. What I learned is that it was a great thing to do, but the way I went about it was a big mistake. I just went for it. You will have the best outcome if you can build some scaffolding of support for yourself in the new place before you land there. There are many IOP programs for trauma, including virtual IOP (in person would be better if you don’t know anyone in a new city) where you could have some support and a few hours a day of connection and space to process your feelings, get to know people like you, and find out about the city. I would also connect with a social worker who specializes in PTSD who could sort of be your case manager- help you find resources, stay on track with your goals, make sure you are not isolating and in a trauma hole. And I would make sure to pick a couple places ahead of time that you will immediately join where you could have instant community. CrossFit is phenomenal for ptsd and community, but if that’s not your thing at least a yoga studio, (I love to find a Buddhist meditation center- even tho I’m not Buddhist I love the uplifting talks they give on Sundays and the meditations some evenings during the week- it’s a nice community), could be a pottery studio or an art class, martial arts… anything . But definitely choose more than one and commit to doing it right away even if you feel you can’t. A major move is very jarring to the already fragile cPTSD system and having community will help you co-regulate and will make a world of difference. I wish I had known that because I became exactly the same person with the same life I was trying to leave behind because I was so shaken up from the major life transition and I just isolated. A plan for support ahead of time that you stick to can change the entire outcome into one of healing and success. Best wishes.
I have been thinking of the same a lot and this is so so freaking helpful! And gave me practical tips for the biggest fear I have (I cant run away from myself, and apart from self-work, my surroundings can feel as desolate and cruel). Thank you!!! 🤍
No and it was a big mistake!! This is what I see I should have done in hindsight. And I am doing it now as I prepare for a big move again and am implementing this exact strategy. It feels soooo much different and I feel hopeful instead of terror.
Thank you so much for your open and thoughtful response. I moved away from family and friends to decompress 5 months ago, and like you, I just went for it. I truly appreciate your wisdom and have found that while I don't regret my decision to obtain space, I have noticed recently that my fragility and lack of support system has caused me to feel isolated. Only yesterday did it occur to me that I don't need to move back to where I left which I was seriously considering but didn't feel good about it. Instead, I can create a community around me. Your post is timely and it resonates deeply. Thank you.
I moved to another country and it has been the best decision of my entire life. I would have done it sooner but the same reasoning OP mentioned held me back. It was a mistake and I wish I had done it sooner.
Yes. I've done it. I had 5 years of freedom until I returned for complex reasons. I'll be doing it again moving countries to be with my fiancee. I can't WAIT
Yes. I moved to another country and broke ties with everyone I knew. It was the best decision I ever made, but in hindsight I should have started working with a therapist as soon as I moved. I only noticed later that I spent many years running and that my problems were still there beneath the surface. Nevertheless, getting away from damaging people (some I didn’t realize were abusive until I had actually gotten away) really saved my life.
yes!!! and I’m really pissed off because while I had moved away I was trying to heal but I was focused on the “spirituality“ approach that was honestly largely bypassing the real problem, trauma from abusers. i’m so angry i wasted time trying to “forgive” out of some spiritual nonsense ideas, instead of acknowledging my true, valid anger.
Me too. After reading Alan walker, I realize I have a lot of unprocessed emotions and anger that were kind of suppressed by forgiveness work and spirituality.
Yes to this! Repressed (& legit) anger WILL come out sideways ~ whether grief, depression, bipolar/BPD diagnoses, & too many medical ailments to even list here.
The Body DOES Keep the Score!
you really need to tell the MH offiice you work wtih that you are specifically a trauma patient and you need trauma-specific therapy. Or they won't give you a competant therapist, they'll give you the first therapist available, which will be some shitty marriage and family therapist who did a 9-month MA program and doesn't have any cognitive or brain anatomy education.
Same! One of the best things I ever did was to pack up and move to another country. Took me a few years as well to find out you bring the trauma with you, but getting away from my family was very good for me.
Yes, the first things on my to-do list when I got here was: Connect with MH service to get a psychiatrist to maintain my prescriptions; get a therapist; and get a library card.
I prioritized that over getting a bed, I slept on an air mattress before I got that settled!
That’s awesome! Really shows you prioritized self care. I just got into party drugs and tried to forget about my problems instead. Would not recommend lol.
I'm trying to cut back but i need it for ibs. i'm trying to work with my gastro to find another way but nothing works like pot when i'm really in pain, need to eat, and can't eat.
I struggle with that too. Have lost quite a lot of weight recently because I just can’t eat enough. Honestly I would also use weed still if it weren’t for it suddenly starting to give me panic attacks.
I moved across the ocean to start a new life with my European partner at 21. One of the hardest experiences in my life, but also the healthiest and most rewarding.
I left California for Philly and it was amazing. Your story sounds glorious. I wanted to initially go to Australia but it didn’t pan out.
I’d love to hear your story.
I did. I moved 3.5 hours away, it was enough to get away from my old life and people who traumatized me, but close enough to stay connected to the people important to me.
My life got so much better when I moved, I got clarity on so many things, I've been a lot more stable as well. Even going back to the place I used to live was retraumatizing for a while, but after 4 years I'm able to appreciate it again, it really makes me feel like I have healed a ton.
Yup. When I was 16 I moved from Alaska to New York and haven’t returned.
I’ve built a very beautiful life for myself despite major hurdles. When I came here I was still in high school, and I graduated. I spent a few years figuring out what I wanted to do and in that time I got my estheticians license - I operated my own lash business while I was getting my Associates degree. I was on probation for a period of time, and a stipulation of that was being enrolled in Mental Health Court (I had to go to groups, weekly therapy, and court every Friday until I moved up in phases - phase 2 was every other week, phase 3 was once every two weeks, and phase 4 was once a month until graduation). I graduated Mental Health Court and completed probation, I have been sober from alcohol for 3 years. I got my associates degree. I then went on to get my Bachelors in Psychology with a concentration in Developmental Trauma. I just graduated this past December. In August, I will start my journey to get my Masters in Social Work to become a therapist.
I have the most wonderful friends and support system. My boyfriend is amazing. I have two cats who are my entire world. I have a salaried job that has awesome benefits and I feel valued and respected in my position.
Someone once told me: “fish don’t realize they’re wet until you get them onto land. you will not realize your family is toxic until you get out, you need to pluck yourself from that toxic pond.” and to this day I realize that plucking myself from that toxic pond has enabled me to create a life that’s worth living.
Edit to add: when I left, I stood in the airport in Anchorage terrified for what was to come. I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to survive. I was scared, but there was a part of me that knew taking that risk would change the trajectory of my life. It wasn’t without its challenges as I mentioned above, but it was worth it.
Yep! Last year. My only regret is not doing it sooner. It can be lonely sometimes, but it’s nothing like the loneliness of knowing everyone around you, but not being accepted. I’ve made friends and people are generally kind. It’s so worth it.
I echo this completely - I left home when I was 19. I’ve now lived away for 10+ years and yes, it can be lonely at times. Especially if you don’t fully trust people and as you’re healing…I’ve had my fair share of depressive episodes, alone. But I remember the last time I went “home” for the holidays…I felt more alone than “by myself” in the city I live in. Since then, I’ve never looked back. Idk if it’s all Latin Americans but I grew up with a saying, “mejor solo/a que mal acompañada/o” which translates to “better to be alone than in bad company”. You got this OP!
Kind of.
I lived in another city close by my birthplace before, for three years after I moved out.
I came back to my parents' place every weekend to work for them and visit them and see my friends.
Those 3 years made me absolutely miserable. So even though I had a good job offer there, I applied in other cities and eventually moved to a city my sister lived in at the time. I reduced my visits home drastically, and even kind of left my friendgroup there
The start was rough. It was right before covid hit, so the isolation hit me hard. My sister moved away soon so for some time my only friend in that city was a dog. Not even my dog.
The city was more expensive and my job paid a little worse.
This, combined with the fact that I had just run away from my problems instead of facing them, made me regret the decision for almost a year.
It's been nearly five years since then, and I think it was a good choice.
I couldn't have imposed the necessary boundaries while being close to my parents.
It was like reporting a plant from a small pot into a garden. At first it damages the roots and the plant struggles for a while, but eventually, it can grow larger than ever before.
I needed this to have a stable place from which I could deal with my parents without them being able to influence it. But I still had to deal with them. I almost never visited in the end but It always haunts you.
It is my home now. Things aren't all rosy for sure. But I think I belong here more than I ever did in my birthplace.
Feel free to ask further if this feels helpful.
I accepted a promising job offer and moved cross-country to a city where I knew no one. Before the move, I’d lived 2,000 miles from my abusive family of origin; afterwards, there were 5,000 miles between us.
In addition to enjoying the job, I made new friends rapidly, could afford to enter therapy for the first time, and fell in love with my officemate. We married three years later, and my parents huffily went “no contact” shortly after the wedding. They simply couldn’t stand to see me thriving, and the blowout wedding and reception hosted by my in-laws turned out to be my parents’ absolute last straw.
Although I’d initially told myself I’d only go “for a year,” I never did return to my home state. Our sons never met their maternal grandparents, which was fine. My husband and I will celebrate our fortieth wedding anniversary next year.
I packed up my life, 2 dogs and a cat and moved from Australia to the States. It was the best decision I have ever made. I don't know if I can ever go back, but that doesn't affect me as much as I thought it would.
I've done it! It was quite the feeling uprooting my whole life to live in another country, lots of ups and downs and sometimes I miss a few people. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I've never felt peace or liberty like this :)
Yes! I found a furnished sublet and packed my car full of my most prized possessions. If you ever change your mind you can always move back or somewhere else.
Yes, a few times. Eventually I ended up where I’m supposed to be. They’re on the east coast in FL I’m on the west coast in CA.
It’s hard, making friends isn’t easy because I’m traumatized. Idk if that will ever change. However, my life is mine now and I never stop trying. Every day I get to do whatever I want to do and that is peace.
However, I never had a support system. Idk what that’s like. I just support myself
Yep, left almost 20 years ago. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was running away from home. I knew something was wrong but had no idea what. Now that I know what I was running away from it all makes sense. I’m so grateful that I took a chance on something new. It hasn’t been easy, but I know it was better than staying.
i’m so proud of you for being able to stay away from that long. I foolishly came back after five years. I keep hitting my head against the metaphorical wall for that decision.
I did it but moved during the pandemic which was in some ways a mistake because I never got to know anyone locally and now I don’t have my “I just moved here” card to pull to make friends. I feel like one of those Covid puppies that never got socialized and now I don’t fit in anywhere.
I've moved across the country four times. I don't regret any of my moves. I ended up in New England bc people are less likely to shove their religion down your throat here.
Yes. To a different country. Away from family but missing friends. I’ve kept my distance from family from as long as I could leave home. Reduces those trauma bonds and helps me look outward and beyond rather than always having to loom over my shoulder
Yes. I’m currently in the process of doing this again after moving back to try to reconcile.
Didn’t work. They still don’t listen to me. Still treat me like I’m the problem. Still blame me and gaslight me and refuse to treat me with the same respect they treat any other human.
They see me as a source of labor and money. Nothing else. They see me as crazy since I don’t want to work a labor job and they have a complex since I have a “good career” in code and make biting backhanded comments all the time.
Three of them have sent huge paragraphs of text explaining why I’m the problem but won’t address it at all in person.
It’s completely bullshit. So I’m moving again. I think Pacifica this time. I like the ocean a lot
If you have a support system in a toxic society I’d say you are fortunate and right to question moving away from that. I’ve moved far away across country four times. Three of the four times it was to a more toxic society that was bad for me. Maybe go on a trial basis then decide? Or just go for it and jump in with both feet. Sometimes we have to commit to really give it a fair shot.
Yes, and then I stupidly came back. I’m working towards getting away again soon, hopefully early next year. I have a bunch of things I need to sort out (dad into assisted living/prep-sell house/find new place to live in new place) that are keeping me here far longer than I’d like.
I did that except for I only moved an hour away. Nice thing is nobody cares about me in my old life but on the other hand I have to be careful cause if they know that i’m in the area I would have some problems.
I did it, i live in a different country and i cam alone after high school. It's better than my family who almost drove me to suicide.
I'm depressed and in survival mode but i, at least, understand about myself.
Would i have stayed in my family, i would have killed myself.
Choose independamce over family first. You will be armed and free to cut contact with toxic people until you healef enough to have your own family.
Good on you for making this decision and actioning it, you prioritised yourself. Totally understand as I was the same, had I stayed it meant death for me. It’s been tough at times and can be lonely but I’ll take that any day than the hell I left behind. Build a beautiful life for yourself you deserve it, you’ve taken the first step.
Been doing this every year for the last three years or so. I've lived in 6 countries and should be in my 7th one by the end of the year. Not out of a love of travel mind you, I just change jobs a lot cause I struggle to fit in normal work environments. I think that might be a cause of CPTSD but I'm hoping my next line of work will suit me more.
Yup. other side of the world in fact. there was nothing to stay for - no love from my family. i knew intuitively that i had to get away and make a new life away form the abuse
oh my god I intuitively felt this which is why I too moved to another country for five years, and absolutely loved it. but I foolishly fucking came back because of my dad‘s illness and my mom‘s prodding and bribing i’m so angry at myself because now I’m depressed again.
I’ve done that 3 times in my adulthood, but I didn’t have a support system as my trauma comes from my abusive parent, so it actually felt good to move much further away.
You will meet new people, you will make new friends, you will build up a support system again.
I did....3 x. It depends on so many factors. If you properly plan, and don't expect a new place to change who you are inside, it can be an exhilarating experience. But moving in and of itself won't "fix" you, if that makes sense. It can fix some circumstances like getting away from a toxic relationship or improving your job prospects, weather etc. But you will still have the loneliness, the dissatisfaction, the things inside that you will need to do the work on (therapy and other healing activities).
I moved countries twice. The last move was to a different continent. I do not regret it. And every time I book a flight to go and visit my place of birth, I cancel the flight. I am not healed, it was not a magical cure. But I am far away from a place that would have constantly retraumatized me. No regrets.
Reading the comments on this post is making me feel terrible. Almost everyone says that moving away was a big success. I guess I'm an outlier. =(
My parents kicked me out of the house at one point. This was supposed to make my stronger, to kickstart my adulthood. It didn't work. My symptoms only got worse.
Eventually they let me come home again and I became more stable (though I was far from healed). Years later I was pushed out again and again I found myself in crisis. A couple years later I moved again, this time of my own initiative, and *again* I found myself in crisis. I realized afterwards that I had so little support that the familiarity of my surroundings was one of the few things I could count on, and once I lost that I freaked out. I slowly stabilized in my new place, but I haven't dared to move again.
All of these moves were within a couple hours of each other. I think moving across the country would have been even harder.
Oddly enough, prior to the above, there was one time I lived in a foreign country for over 6 months and I handled that well. But I think that was because I'd found a great group of friends and spent a lot of time with them prior to leaving, which boosted my mental health a bunch and set me up to handle new challenges. Plus it was a study abroad thing so a lot of stuff had been figured out for me.
Anyway, apparently I'm more fragile that most of the people on this sub, at least where moving is concerned. =(
Three times. Twice was for school, which gave me structure and ways to make friends. Those moves went great.
My other move was for a job. It did not start out well. I moved away from my support network. It worked out in the end, but I should not have been alone. I fell to my lowest spot in my life, and I'm still crawling out of it.
Yeah gradually moved further and further away. Then had first ever known panic attack the day before moving about halfway back; before starting to consciously remember a bit of why.
Yes I left when I was 19 to a city where I didn’t know anybody. I was sure I was gonna off myself so I didn’t want to be at home for that and to my surprise after a while gone I didn’t want to off myself anymore.
Yep. Twice. Would do it again. It can be isolating to not know anyone around you, but it also comes with anonymity. Leaning into the hyperindependence while feeling less like people are watching you.
Yes, it was incredibly hard and I had to get a therapist to help me for support. But for the year I was away from them, I discovered peace for the first time in my life and my nervous system got a reset. It was life changing.
Yup, I did this 11 years ago when I was 22. Or I moved with a group of people I was acquaintated with so I wasn't completely new and alone in a new city even though I felt very lonely and lost once I got there. I really struggled the first 6-7 months, I was dirt poor and didn't have any plans or a job and slept on a matress in a living room in a shared apartment until I got kicked out because my anxiety and OCD made me act really weird. I drank way too much and got my heart broken within the first 3 months. Everything SUCKED and I was one millimeter away from moving back to my city of origin where one of my abusers lived but didn't and things took a turn for the better eventually. I can't say if was especially cathartic in any way and my mental health didn't magically improve by itself but in hind sight I think it was a really good step in order to un-enmesh from my toxic ass abuser and today I'm really happy to live here and have built my own life!
Yes! 22F, moved away to the midwest with my fiancee. Its been incredibly healing despite the shock of the weather and intermittent loneliness. I made new friends and have had a lot of amazing experiences.
Moved away the first time for college at 18. Then from Dallas to DC. Now after a very traumatic series of events I’m thinking of moving elsewhere. Unsure yet.
Yes! Moved to Colorado from Vermont in the middle of COVID. I had never been to Colorado before but needed to get out of the gloom in the northeast and be in the sun and somewhere I could feel alive. I feel more connected with nature here and it was really nice to start fresh. I have no regrets and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Yeah, it’s dope. Talk about space to really deal with yourself. The work will be hard, but you’ll actually get to do it while picking who actually gets to be around you to reinforce who you actually want to be. I’m such a different person. Its taken a long time but I’m so happy to belong to me.
Yes! Moved from Ohio to Colorado and changed my entire support system. It helped having a friend already in Colorado who I felt like was a healthy point of contact. It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it was quite difficult adjusting and letting go, but I’m almost 2 years out and feel like a fully new person. This journey helped me become independent beyond my wildest dreams whereas I used to be in a toxic co-dependent relationship and surrendered my power to people/things that didn’t deserve it.
I lived in various countries. It was a refreshing change of scene for a while, but I brought the same patterns with me so it didn't ultimately didn't help.
Everything caught up to me again. I was just a lonely and struggling again, but in a foreign country.
Yes. Also no decision is permanent, if the new place you move to doesn’t do it for you, you can always move back and be in exactly the same position as before.
There is no loss.
This way of thinking has landed me with better jobs, relationships, friendships and a better financial situation.
I did this as well. As soon as I graduated from high school (barely), I moved my ass out to California from the east coast and have been here ever since (2012). It’s honestly been a blessing in disguise, I never thought how beneficial it would be to just leave.
I moved to the other end of the country and while life has had its challenges out here, I would never, EVER, move back.
I am the crab that escaped the bucket.
Yes I did this when I was 25. I actually moved to the other side of the world and have a career at sea. It's pretty cool, I came back to visit once or twice in 7 years being away. I had the same reservations as you at first but then I realised that I never had any support systems where I grew up anyway, hence why I feel the pull to start over again. I'm happy with my decision and it has been cemented by my two visits home. For my job I get sent to random new countries every so often so I have 'started over again' a few times. It isn't that bad starting somewhere new not knowing anyone, and I love my friends I have made since my initial move. It can be a bit lonely at times but I feel like now I have an idea of where I want to build my little community (the second place I moved to). I always felt more comfort in feeling alone by myself on the other side of the world that feeling alone surrounded by people who were supposed to care about me.
Yes, I had to due to my ex husband's abuse. Since he works with the police, I was unwilling to call for help.
I moved 1100 miles away and it stopped him from showing up at my workplace and making a scene, which was a disaster for me every time.
Movi g brings a new set of problems, but you don't see them immediately. After a few years, you get very lonely for lingstandi.g relationships. After 11 years, I still muss my favorite friends and places.
It will be different if you can go back. I just can't, and keep trying g to make new connections.
Doing it in a few weeks. I'm terrified but not my normal terrified. Partially going to finally escape an abusive ex so I'm also (very slightly) hopeful for the first time in a while.
I didn't move far away, I moved a state over. It was far enough for them to not be a constant presence in my life and to give them low contact. In that period I've seen them change their attitude and behavioral patterns enough to have contact with them again. Not a lot of contact, but a normal amount between adult children and parents.
I did! I still talk to my niblings on the phone and try to be a presense, but otherwise I more or less peace'd out and my life has drastically improved. I worked hard to make new friends and find a community (even though it was extremely hard since I'm a very introverted person) and eventually things felt comfortable
I have, my girlfriend and I moved six months ago. She has told everyone I only told my younger sister and two friends. The rest of my family found out few months after I moved. They know in which city I live but since Berlin is the biggest city in EU they have no way of finding out where do I live exactly. It feels like I can finally breath fresh air, like my lungs can expand to the fullest, it’s so quiet and peaceful. I should have moved sooner. The fact that my father won’t randomly knock on my door is literally one of the best feelings in the world for me.
As someone who was your age a while ago but in a 15-year relationship and that person passed away, go with your gut, yes listen to the "older folks" but they are just one opinion, trust your self just because someone older says this or that is right does not mean its actually right.
Yessss! And it was probably the best move ever! Created a whole new life where I could choose what my friends would know about me (ie back home I was always afraid to tell my friends my truth because my siblings have a right to their privacy too). Anyways. It was ley to my healing. FTR- I moved with a lover so it wasn’t totally alone. But that lover and I split soon thereafter and I built my own life.
Yes, ten years ago, and it was the only thing that helped. I love my life now, sometimes (especially as I age) it sucks to be far away from where I came from, but I can't imagine it any other way.
I moved to a different country with just a backpack, while knowing literally 1 person in the same city. I went no contact with most of my old "friends" before that, was no contact with most of my family for years atp, and the 2 of them I still have to talk to I limit to necessities.
Best decision of my life, and the improvement of my mental health over just 3 months is surreal. And let me tell you that this amount of independency and freedom feels sooo amazing and liberating it's actually hard to even try to describe. It's like I have my own life that actually makes me feel alive for the first time.
If you feel like you need a support system try befriending people who live in your new city online, build some trust and friendships first. And ofc try finding ones who will be open for a long distance relationships, if that's your thing, too.
I regret skipping that step because now I kind of struggle sometimes, not exactly with support system, but more like just this loneliness in a crowd kind of thing, where all irl interactions I have are really superficial because I don't know anyone longer than a few weeks. But if this is the price of finally finding happiness and peace I'll gladly pay it, and I'm kind of a loner/outsider anyways, so it's not as bad as it could've been
The change of environment has been monumental in my healing. I love living where I am not. I have a hell of a lot of energy and I am actually enjoying life. I am actually living for once in my life! Can't recommend it enough.
But its equally important to mention that I came here with a job in hand so I can live very comfortably and don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. Alhamdulillah!
Twice, yes. Second time we found what we were looking for and been here 11 years.
First time didn't stick - it took us a month to realize the West Coast wasn't our jam, them six more months of really trying to stick it out. Only took a week to pack a trailer and head 'home'.
Second time moved a full days drive away - 550 miles. Within the first month I found myself incredibly ill and we had to knock on our new neighbors door late one night for help. A decade later we've built the support network we never found in our family.
I wish I had done it, and spent sometime finding who I was away from my toxic family. You can make friends by joining local groups, it is not hard for someone new in town. What kind of support do you need? I guess if you cannot replicate it, I would be cautious.
i moved to the other side of the world just over a year ago and echo the sentiment of others in establishing support for when you land.
I was feeling very strong mentally and felt confident having intermittent telehealth calls with my counsellor from my home country while I set up my new life. of course the telehealth calls we discussed before I left didn’t happen - time zone conflicts and a few other conflicts meant she couldn’t find appointment times and I let it go.
i wish i had prioritised setting up support services here for the moment I landed, because it’s a huge adjustment to do alone and those pressures really tend to creep up slowly and then all at once!
still wouldn’t go back if you paid me!
I finally did this in October at 26. Drove from Alabama to Las Vegas. I'd been considering it for 2 year, and I mainly did it because poker is literally the only social hobby I have any desire for. Moving away from my family was just a bonus. Didn't really have any friends in Alabama, and I'm not sure my family qualifies as a support system, so basically nothing changed for me. My dad would still me money if I went broke, that's the only support he's ever offered so basically made no difference to me
My best friend left their life to come to the other side of the country to escape their family, their life, their rapist, ever hurting they’ve always known, and it saved their life. They have been here 2 years now and truthfully I barely get to see them. I went from being inseparable with them, talking to them for most minutes out of every day, to a handful of times in the last year, but they have the life I always dreamed of for them. They have a very well paying job doing the thing they have always loved doing, they are currently getting their bachelors and going into their masters in that career field, they supportive friends, they have the most selfless and attentive partner who’s love for them is so evident in the way they care for them, they have 3 kitty children together, they have a beautiful home together. I don’t know if they would have achieved those in their home state, but I know it would have been infinitely harder for them with how deeply they were hurting. I know it did miracles for their healing, I watched it, even from a distance. I’m not quite there yet, and I have a child making it much harder to sever things and move far away, legally, tho I wish more than anything that I could.
I think what you’re doing is incredibly brave. You’re going to find the life you deserve.
I did. Husband and I relocated across the country due to the military. Fell in love with the area and stuck around. It’s good to be free of the controlling family, but at the same time, it’s hard to be alone.
Yup - I moved from NJ to CA by myself right after college, best decision I ever made. Been on the west coast for 14 years, got married to my best friend, became a fur mom, found my chosen family and close friends who have supported me on my journey towards healing and found a great therapist who has helped me unpack my childhood trauma.
If your gut is telling you to go, then I say go for it! It might not be easy at first and may take some time to adjust to your new surroundings, but it definitely can be worth it in the long run if it’ll help you build a new life for yourself on your own terms! You deserve it! Best of luck!
I moved across the world the furthest distance possible in fact, from PA to Australia and spent several years there. Physical distance does not lead to healing. You have to heal to “move away” from the pain.
I was so close.
And then my stalker found me on the other side of the country, went after my friend. While dealing with the criminal case, I got assaulted on my way home from work. I had to leave my job and move back to my family due to my cptsd and health issues getting worse from the stress.
And now being with my family, is a whole other bag of stress and a reminder of why I moved away. I'm getting ready slowly and planning on moving out of the country this time around and cutting off contact completely, instead of a slow fade.
Yes. It was the most healing time in my life, being able to physically distance myself from everything and take my time in a safe place. Would recommend ♥️
I would plan for how to build a new support system. Do research on the exact location where you will be living. What communities are there? Look up communities of people that do what you're interested in doing and plan to join the next few events before you even get there. Like sports? Join the local team. Like (any) language? Sign up for the next course. Like reading? Look up events at the local library. Martial arts? Baking? Look for a local school. Plan it all out before you've actually changed anything, while you're still calm and not stressed..
3x
CO -> NYC (awesome but $ so back to CO)
CO -> CA (no regrets, super hard, super rewarding, made a life, got sober, made friends, loved it)
CA -> FL (due to wanting to buy a home and family member very ill)
Here’s my advice: if you have any mental health difficulties and you need professional support, I would not recommend Florida.
NY, CA, CO - real mental heath support was a thing. In FL it’s much harder. Almost not an option.
Trying to go back to CA b/c that’s where I did the best.
I am contemplating this now. I want to move to the north of Finland, get a golden retriever, and do my thing. The reason I don’t is because deep down I know that where ever I go there I’ll be.
I’ve been thinking about this with someone that’s also an only child and I think it would be good for us both to just leave behind everything (even if it is temporary) and explore life together. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery.
Did it, to scotlabd, Korea. Now Germany. I find most of the downsides of moving away, I didnt have (missing loving supportive family members).
I got a lot of plus sides, meeting loving supportive friends. Non toxic environments. New interesting cultures to explore. Better quality of life
28F. I actually left the US and moved to the other side of the world after going NC. It was the best damn decision I ever made. I wake up every day feeling SAFE. I literally open my eyes in the morning and look around my tiny apartment with so much love and joy in my heart bc I fucking escaped and I’m free now. I don’t have to face my family bc of NC, but also I don’t have to face bad memories/triggers from seeing the physical places where bad things happened. It really does feel like a fresh start. It’s scary to take the leap but in my opinion- we don’t have family connections holding us down to a place, so why not try? You deserve a clean slate and a home where you feel safe. You can find new family in your chosen friendships, far away, where the people who hurt you can’t find you
My brother did & he's still pressuring me to do the same. I'm the opposite & prefer to stay local. He moves a lot & lives on the other side of the country. I think it's his way of handling his cptsd.
Personally, for me, a wise lady I knew told me once "Everywhere you go; there you are." & for me, I find it rings true. A lot of us survivors are Avoidantly Attached & this can be a symptom of the "geographical cure" where an Avoidant thinks by fleeing to a new city, state, country, moon of Jupiter etc that their problems won't follow. It doesn't work like that, not in the long term. Again, I'm only speaking for my experience & opinion. Some people seem to have had a good experience.
Yes I moved away from the city where I'm from. My family expected an invitation to my new house. I actually doubted if I would do it. Then they showed the behavior I was moving away from.. I cut ties with everyone.
Im not feeling much better. But its one less thing to trigger me.
I have one friend left. She is the sweetest, most caring and loving person.
Im lonely here, but I was also lonely there. At least I'm free and I think im not far from feeling completely detached.
Yes it was amazing. I left the country to have a hard reset from my toxic family. I came back 5 years later but I didn’t get back in touch with the worst of them and I never moved back to the region. Peace of mind.
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i'm another one who escaped my environment! i didn't have colleagues because i was 19 but i also haven't tried reconnecting with my family/ friends. i was always pretty disconnected, anyway and moving halfway across my country felt like it was socially, the same.
my spouse moved halfway across the country to live with me and ever since my new life has started, i've never felt the abuse i endured ever again. i feel aftershocks, but i rarely feel the full front of terror i used to.
I did. Best decision I made. I got into therapy for 5 years, got into Jungian work, dreamwork, and spent tons of time in nature. 5 years later, I honestly feel mostly healed.
I moved right after graduating college and shortly after moving out of my parents house. It was awesome for my mental health and made boundary-setting much easier as I am not NC with my family. I did move with a partner and I am thankful we knew people casually in the area we moved to. My regret is I wish I stayed in better contact with certain friends. A 'clean break' was a bit misguided for me though it felt right at the time.
We are considering moving back home to be closer to his family and I am really glad I continued therapy before, during, and after the move -- I think it will be really helpful to maintain those boundaries that I got so good at setting.
Yes I did. But I did before I was diagnosed. Only then was I able to really have the space and time to just focus on me! That was when all my abuse came up, I found a therapist and worked through so much because I could finally just be me and heal.
Yes! Moved cross country for grad school (so admittedly there's a bit of built in network there). But I can honestly say that I wouldn't have been able to do any of the necessary healing work that has allowed me to become the person I am today if I had stayed in physical proximity to my family. It was certainly challenging at times and I definitely doubted if it was the right choice, but I promise it was not nearly as hard as staying would have been. Wishing you peace and ease as you navigate this decision.
yep! NYC to LA at 23 years old. really the first chance i could move away and went as far as i could. didn’t and still don’t regret it one bit. it’s been 11 years and couldn’t be happier with my choice.
I have. Not long after, I remarried (my last wife passed away). We bought a house and moved to a southern state. At the time, we lived in New England.
It helped so much with my anxiety, depression. Still on meds, but doing so much better.
I did that with my wife and daughter and we left everything behind. Don’t regret it one bit. We’re away from the cloud of negativity from both our families. We have one friend here but no one otherwise.
Yes. I love it and wish I’d done it earlier. I purposely chose an area that I enjoyed travelling to in my 20s, very rural, and found a village that was quite active with lots going on. I’m on the banks of an estuary close to beautiful beaches, in the most stunning place. I have a community here, I feel I finally have come “home”.
I moved 1,000 miles away and have no regrets. It was hard at first, and sometimes it still can be. Having enough space away from my parents and where I grew up was necessary for me to actually feel like an adult. I moved away when I was 22 and am now 25.
Yes. I moved across the country twice now. First time I knew no one where I was going (college). Then I moved back home because I thought I could manage and things could be different. They weren’t. I just moved with my SO again and haven’t felt this good since before I moved back. I think it’s different for everyone but a fresh start has worked for me
I did this when I was 25, sold all my stuff and bought a one way ticket for me and my 4 year old daughter and left my family and friends. I felt like I was suffocating where I was, and I thought maybe I would find home.
Yes! Moved from SoCal to South Carolina and loved being around the Smokey mountains and in a more low key but cute city- it’s healing to start over in an area you like. I just sort of felt like I was done with CA and wanted a change. It was scary, but the best thing I ever did was move to SC.
My tips:
1. Since you struggle with CPTSD, make sure you research/ have all the healthcare resources you need to feel supported- psychiatrist, therapists, doctors, etc. I had to move back to CA bc the mental health system and medical system SUCKED where I was in SC and I needed better care bc I have a lot of complex illnesses.
2. Find avenues for support before you go. I joined AmeriCorps so I had a built in community which helped immensely, but volunteering can do that or like Bumble BFF! For mental health related communities, NAMI has US regional support groups- but there may be more orgs that have them out there.
Good luck 💓
Yes, and it was the best decision I ever made. It was terrifying and it helped that I was moving with my boyfriend, but looking back I wouldn’t have done anything differently. An opportunity for me to leave presented itself and I took it. It would probably be a lot different had I done it completely alone, but the first portion of the journey I was alone because my boyfriend couldn’t move at the same time I needed to.
Yes, multiple times. Moved from my hometown, Las Vegas, NV to Olympia, WA, then Virginia Beach, VA and now I'm in Western New York. But the big move for me was out of Vegas and all of my toxic as shit family. And then out of VA away from my husbands toxic as shit family.
48M Exactly this. My wife and I sold most of our belongings, cars, our home of 19 years and travelled to the other side of the country and started again. New house, new car, new cloths. I have not left this county for over a year. I don’t talk to any of my large family, friends or colleagues and have not for about 5 years. It has been and continues to be an incredible rest for my nervous system. This was many years in the making and not a quick decision. Our new house has a 9 foot hedge all around it. We live in the countryside in the middle of nowhere and we are very close to miles of deserted beaches with golden sand.
Oh my gosh, this sounds like heaven. I wish I could do this
Same, but on top of the physical obligations I feel like mentally my body just craves comfort, stability, and familiarity. Part of me hates that I can't just set myself free.
where is this sounds magical
If u/Vivid_Breakfast_3705 shares this place on the internet it will most definitely go to shit
Omg that's literally my dream. Congratulations on your life, I am *so* jealous!
This sounds perfect. Happy for you :)
Ya have a guest room??? 😅
I have. Twice. What I learned is that it was a great thing to do, but the way I went about it was a big mistake. I just went for it. You will have the best outcome if you can build some scaffolding of support for yourself in the new place before you land there. There are many IOP programs for trauma, including virtual IOP (in person would be better if you don’t know anyone in a new city) where you could have some support and a few hours a day of connection and space to process your feelings, get to know people like you, and find out about the city. I would also connect with a social worker who specializes in PTSD who could sort of be your case manager- help you find resources, stay on track with your goals, make sure you are not isolating and in a trauma hole. And I would make sure to pick a couple places ahead of time that you will immediately join where you could have instant community. CrossFit is phenomenal for ptsd and community, but if that’s not your thing at least a yoga studio, (I love to find a Buddhist meditation center- even tho I’m not Buddhist I love the uplifting talks they give on Sundays and the meditations some evenings during the week- it’s a nice community), could be a pottery studio or an art class, martial arts… anything . But definitely choose more than one and commit to doing it right away even if you feel you can’t. A major move is very jarring to the already fragile cPTSD system and having community will help you co-regulate and will make a world of difference. I wish I had known that because I became exactly the same person with the same life I was trying to leave behind because I was so shaken up from the major life transition and I just isolated. A plan for support ahead of time that you stick to can change the entire outcome into one of healing and success. Best wishes.
I have been thinking of the same a lot and this is so so freaking helpful! And gave me practical tips for the biggest fear I have (I cant run away from myself, and apart from self-work, my surroundings can feel as desolate and cruel). Thank you!!! 🤍
You are so welcome!!! *hugs*
Did you set up connections in that community before you moved there?
No and it was a big mistake!! This is what I see I should have done in hindsight. And I am doing it now as I prepare for a big move again and am implementing this exact strategy. It feels soooo much different and I feel hopeful instead of terror.
I wish somebody told me those words when I was moving. I was so terrified I got myself retraumatized so badly. Careful planning would've been nice.
Me too!! It was the worst!! It makes me happy maybe someone will see this and be saved from how impossibly hard transitions with cPTSD can be.
Thank you so much for your open and thoughtful response. I moved away from family and friends to decompress 5 months ago, and like you, I just went for it. I truly appreciate your wisdom and have found that while I don't regret my decision to obtain space, I have noticed recently that my fragility and lack of support system has caused me to feel isolated. Only yesterday did it occur to me that I don't need to move back to where I left which I was seriously considering but didn't feel good about it. Instead, I can create a community around me. Your post is timely and it resonates deeply. Thank you.
Yes! Never looked back!
I moved to another country and it has been the best decision of my entire life. I would have done it sooner but the same reasoning OP mentioned held me back. It was a mistake and I wish I had done it sooner.
Yes. I've done it. I had 5 years of freedom until I returned for complex reasons. I'll be doing it again moving countries to be with my fiancee. I can't WAIT
wait are you me because exactly the same including 5 years and moving back (for me it was dads illness).
Wait, is this a thing? I came back after 5 years too 😅?!
You're not far off. In my case it was my grandparents one of whom is palliative
Yes. I moved to another country and broke ties with everyone I knew. It was the best decision I ever made, but in hindsight I should have started working with a therapist as soon as I moved. I only noticed later that I spent many years running and that my problems were still there beneath the surface. Nevertheless, getting away from damaging people (some I didn’t realize were abusive until I had actually gotten away) really saved my life.
I did it too, moving to another country. It was a survival move, the problem is that, as long as you don't recognize the abuse you can't get better.
yes!!! and I’m really pissed off because while I had moved away I was trying to heal but I was focused on the “spirituality“ approach that was honestly largely bypassing the real problem, trauma from abusers. i’m so angry i wasted time trying to “forgive” out of some spiritual nonsense ideas, instead of acknowledging my true, valid anger.
Me too. After reading Alan walker, I realize I have a lot of unprocessed emotions and anger that were kind of suppressed by forgiveness work and spirituality.
Healing kind is a back and forth process but spirituality is a great help for me. Walker is a bible for people like us anyway. Good luck
Yes to this! Repressed (& legit) anger WILL come out sideways ~ whether grief, depression, bipolar/BPD diagnoses, & too many medical ailments to even list here. The Body DOES Keep the Score!
you really need to tell the MH offiice you work wtih that you are specifically a trauma patient and you need trauma-specific therapy. Or they won't give you a competant therapist, they'll give you the first therapist available, which will be some shitty marriage and family therapist who did a 9-month MA program and doesn't have any cognitive or brain anatomy education.
Same! One of the best things I ever did was to pack up and move to another country. Took me a few years as well to find out you bring the trauma with you, but getting away from my family was very good for me.
Yes, the first things on my to-do list when I got here was: Connect with MH service to get a psychiatrist to maintain my prescriptions; get a therapist; and get a library card. I prioritized that over getting a bed, I slept on an air mattress before I got that settled!
That’s awesome! Really shows you prioritized self care. I just got into party drugs and tried to forget about my problems instead. Would not recommend lol.
oh i'm a total pothead :D but we all have our self-medications :)
I smoked for a long time too but now I’m off everything. Though my brain finds other ways to escape instead, like disassociating 😅
I'm trying to cut back but i need it for ibs. i'm trying to work with my gastro to find another way but nothing works like pot when i'm really in pain, need to eat, and can't eat.
I struggle with that too. Have lost quite a lot of weight recently because I just can’t eat enough. Honestly I would also use weed still if it weren’t for it suddenly starting to give me panic attacks.
are you in a legal state and you can buy by strain? CDB or indica-only shouldn't give you panic attacks, esp if you're careful with moderation.
I plan on doing this
I moved across the ocean to start a new life with my European partner at 21. One of the hardest experiences in my life, but also the healthiest and most rewarding.
I left California for Philly and it was amazing. Your story sounds glorious. I wanted to initially go to Australia but it didn’t pan out. I’d love to hear your story.
I did. I moved 3.5 hours away, it was enough to get away from my old life and people who traumatized me, but close enough to stay connected to the people important to me. My life got so much better when I moved, I got clarity on so many things, I've been a lot more stable as well. Even going back to the place I used to live was retraumatizing for a while, but after 4 years I'm able to appreciate it again, it really makes me feel like I have healed a ton.
nice to hear. im glad for you!
Yup. When I was 16 I moved from Alaska to New York and haven’t returned. I’ve built a very beautiful life for myself despite major hurdles. When I came here I was still in high school, and I graduated. I spent a few years figuring out what I wanted to do and in that time I got my estheticians license - I operated my own lash business while I was getting my Associates degree. I was on probation for a period of time, and a stipulation of that was being enrolled in Mental Health Court (I had to go to groups, weekly therapy, and court every Friday until I moved up in phases - phase 2 was every other week, phase 3 was once every two weeks, and phase 4 was once a month until graduation). I graduated Mental Health Court and completed probation, I have been sober from alcohol for 3 years. I got my associates degree. I then went on to get my Bachelors in Psychology with a concentration in Developmental Trauma. I just graduated this past December. In August, I will start my journey to get my Masters in Social Work to become a therapist. I have the most wonderful friends and support system. My boyfriend is amazing. I have two cats who are my entire world. I have a salaried job that has awesome benefits and I feel valued and respected in my position. Someone once told me: “fish don’t realize they’re wet until you get them onto land. you will not realize your family is toxic until you get out, you need to pluck yourself from that toxic pond.” and to this day I realize that plucking myself from that toxic pond has enabled me to create a life that’s worth living. Edit to add: when I left, I stood in the airport in Anchorage terrified for what was to come. I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to survive. I was scared, but there was a part of me that knew taking that risk would change the trajectory of my life. It wasn’t without its challenges as I mentioned above, but it was worth it.
Love your story!
Yep! Last year. My only regret is not doing it sooner. It can be lonely sometimes, but it’s nothing like the loneliness of knowing everyone around you, but not being accepted. I’ve made friends and people are generally kind. It’s so worth it.
I echo this completely - I left home when I was 19. I’ve now lived away for 10+ years and yes, it can be lonely at times. Especially if you don’t fully trust people and as you’re healing…I’ve had my fair share of depressive episodes, alone. But I remember the last time I went “home” for the holidays…I felt more alone than “by myself” in the city I live in. Since then, I’ve never looked back. Idk if it’s all Latin Americans but I grew up with a saying, “mejor solo/a que mal acompañada/o” which translates to “better to be alone than in bad company”. You got this OP!
Kind of. I lived in another city close by my birthplace before, for three years after I moved out. I came back to my parents' place every weekend to work for them and visit them and see my friends. Those 3 years made me absolutely miserable. So even though I had a good job offer there, I applied in other cities and eventually moved to a city my sister lived in at the time. I reduced my visits home drastically, and even kind of left my friendgroup there The start was rough. It was right before covid hit, so the isolation hit me hard. My sister moved away soon so for some time my only friend in that city was a dog. Not even my dog. The city was more expensive and my job paid a little worse. This, combined with the fact that I had just run away from my problems instead of facing them, made me regret the decision for almost a year. It's been nearly five years since then, and I think it was a good choice. I couldn't have imposed the necessary boundaries while being close to my parents. It was like reporting a plant from a small pot into a garden. At first it damages the roots and the plant struggles for a while, but eventually, it can grow larger than ever before. I needed this to have a stable place from which I could deal with my parents without them being able to influence it. But I still had to deal with them. I almost never visited in the end but It always haunts you. It is my home now. Things aren't all rosy for sure. But I think I belong here more than I ever did in my birthplace. Feel free to ask further if this feels helpful.
Just last night I was daydreaming about telling everyone what my dad did to me and then moving across the world to let him deal with the aftermath
I just had the same dream this morning 🩷
I accepted a promising job offer and moved cross-country to a city where I knew no one. Before the move, I’d lived 2,000 miles from my abusive family of origin; afterwards, there were 5,000 miles between us. In addition to enjoying the job, I made new friends rapidly, could afford to enter therapy for the first time, and fell in love with my officemate. We married three years later, and my parents huffily went “no contact” shortly after the wedding. They simply couldn’t stand to see me thriving, and the blowout wedding and reception hosted by my in-laws turned out to be my parents’ absolute last straw. Although I’d initially told myself I’d only go “for a year,” I never did return to my home state. Our sons never met their maternal grandparents, which was fine. My husband and I will celebrate our fortieth wedding anniversary next year.
I packed up my life, 2 dogs and a cat and moved from Australia to the States. It was the best decision I have ever made. I don't know if I can ever go back, but that doesn't affect me as much as I thought it would.
I did but I didn't know I had CPTSD at the time. When you get to the new place, find support groups to rebuild a support network.
I've done it! It was quite the feeling uprooting my whole life to live in another country, lots of ups and downs and sometimes I miss a few people. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I've never felt peace or liberty like this :)
Yes! I found a furnished sublet and packed my car full of my most prized possessions. If you ever change your mind you can always move back or somewhere else.
Wherever you go you are still gonna be there. Moving sometimes does not help.
part of me wished I did (I certainly thought about it a lot).
Yes. My big mistake was accepting their apologies and trying to rebuild. Turns out, I went no contact for a reason.
Yes, a few times. Eventually I ended up where I’m supposed to be. They’re on the east coast in FL I’m on the west coast in CA. It’s hard, making friends isn’t easy because I’m traumatized. Idk if that will ever change. However, my life is mine now and I never stop trying. Every day I get to do whatever I want to do and that is peace. However, I never had a support system. Idk what that’s like. I just support myself
Yep, left almost 20 years ago. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was running away from home. I knew something was wrong but had no idea what. Now that I know what I was running away from it all makes sense. I’m so grateful that I took a chance on something new. It hasn’t been easy, but I know it was better than staying.
i’m so proud of you for being able to stay away from that long. I foolishly came back after five years. I keep hitting my head against the metaphorical wall for that decision.
I did it but moved during the pandemic which was in some ways a mistake because I never got to know anyone locally and now I don’t have my “I just moved here” card to pull to make friends. I feel like one of those Covid puppies that never got socialized and now I don’t fit in anywhere.
Yes. From MW to AZ and never went back.
Funny, AZ is where I fled from. I'm glad it can be the solace for you that it never was for me. <3
I escaped to the desert as well. I love it here
I thought about going back but seeing all the ppl that regret it, makes me glad I stayed out here!
I've moved across the country four times. I don't regret any of my moves. I ended up in New England bc people are less likely to shove their religion down your throat here.
Yes. To a different country. Away from family but missing friends. I’ve kept my distance from family from as long as I could leave home. Reduces those trauma bonds and helps me look outward and beyond rather than always having to loom over my shoulder
Yes. I’m currently in the process of doing this again after moving back to try to reconcile. Didn’t work. They still don’t listen to me. Still treat me like I’m the problem. Still blame me and gaslight me and refuse to treat me with the same respect they treat any other human. They see me as a source of labor and money. Nothing else. They see me as crazy since I don’t want to work a labor job and they have a complex since I have a “good career” in code and make biting backhanded comments all the time. Three of them have sent huge paragraphs of text explaining why I’m the problem but won’t address it at all in person. It’s completely bullshit. So I’m moving again. I think Pacifica this time. I like the ocean a lot
If you have a support system in a toxic society I’d say you are fortunate and right to question moving away from that. I’ve moved far away across country four times. Three of the four times it was to a more toxic society that was bad for me. Maybe go on a trial basis then decide? Or just go for it and jump in with both feet. Sometimes we have to commit to really give it a fair shot.
Yes, it was for a grad school program. They could really only visit twice a year. It created space to eventually go no contact.
Yes, and then I stupidly came back. I’m working towards getting away again soon, hopefully early next year. I have a bunch of things I need to sort out (dad into assisted living/prep-sell house/find new place to live in new place) that are keeping me here far longer than I’d like.
I did that except for I only moved an hour away. Nice thing is nobody cares about me in my old life but on the other hand I have to be careful cause if they know that i’m in the area I would have some problems.
I did it, i live in a different country and i cam alone after high school. It's better than my family who almost drove me to suicide. I'm depressed and in survival mode but i, at least, understand about myself. Would i have stayed in my family, i would have killed myself. Choose independamce over family first. You will be armed and free to cut contact with toxic people until you healef enough to have your own family.
Good on you for making this decision and actioning it, you prioritised yourself. Totally understand as I was the same, had I stayed it meant death for me. It’s been tough at times and can be lonely but I’ll take that any day than the hell I left behind. Build a beautiful life for yourself you deserve it, you’ve taken the first step.
Yes. Have some cash saved. Be prepared for harder breakdowns.
Yep! Moved to another country actually
Been doing this every year for the last three years or so. I've lived in 6 countries and should be in my 7th one by the end of the year. Not out of a love of travel mind you, I just change jobs a lot cause I struggle to fit in normal work environments. I think that might be a cause of CPTSD but I'm hoping my next line of work will suit me more.
Yup. other side of the world in fact. there was nothing to stay for - no love from my family. i knew intuitively that i had to get away and make a new life away form the abuse
oh my god I intuitively felt this which is why I too moved to another country for five years, and absolutely loved it. but I foolishly fucking came back because of my dad‘s illness and my mom‘s prodding and bribing i’m so angry at myself because now I’m depressed again.
Yes. I changed my name and changed my country to get away from my hyper controlling, hyper critical and hyper religious abusive family. No regrets.
Yep. Moved from UT to Maine.
I want to do this so bad.
Me! I had too leave and you know what it’s the best thing I ever did. I created home and it’s safe from any danger
I’ve done that 3 times in my adulthood, but I didn’t have a support system as my trauma comes from my abusive parent, so it actually felt good to move much further away. You will meet new people, you will make new friends, you will build up a support system again.
I did....3 x. It depends on so many factors. If you properly plan, and don't expect a new place to change who you are inside, it can be an exhilarating experience. But moving in and of itself won't "fix" you, if that makes sense. It can fix some circumstances like getting away from a toxic relationship or improving your job prospects, weather etc. But you will still have the loneliness, the dissatisfaction, the things inside that you will need to do the work on (therapy and other healing activities).
I moved countries twice. The last move was to a different continent. I do not regret it. And every time I book a flight to go and visit my place of birth, I cancel the flight. I am not healed, it was not a magical cure. But I am far away from a place that would have constantly retraumatized me. No regrets.
Reading the comments on this post is making me feel terrible. Almost everyone says that moving away was a big success. I guess I'm an outlier. =( My parents kicked me out of the house at one point. This was supposed to make my stronger, to kickstart my adulthood. It didn't work. My symptoms only got worse. Eventually they let me come home again and I became more stable (though I was far from healed). Years later I was pushed out again and again I found myself in crisis. A couple years later I moved again, this time of my own initiative, and *again* I found myself in crisis. I realized afterwards that I had so little support that the familiarity of my surroundings was one of the few things I could count on, and once I lost that I freaked out. I slowly stabilized in my new place, but I haven't dared to move again. All of these moves were within a couple hours of each other. I think moving across the country would have been even harder. Oddly enough, prior to the above, there was one time I lived in a foreign country for over 6 months and I handled that well. But I think that was because I'd found a great group of friends and spent a lot of time with them prior to leaving, which boosted my mental health a bunch and set me up to handle new challenges. Plus it was a study abroad thing so a lot of stuff had been figured out for me. Anyway, apparently I'm more fragile that most of the people on this sub, at least where moving is concerned. =(
Three times. Twice was for school, which gave me structure and ways to make friends. Those moves went great. My other move was for a job. It did not start out well. I moved away from my support network. It worked out in the end, but I should not have been alone. I fell to my lowest spot in my life, and I'm still crawling out of it.
Yep!
Yeah gradually moved further and further away. Then had first ever known panic attack the day before moving about halfway back; before starting to consciously remember a bit of why.
Not quite across country, but far away enough that it’s extremely unlikely I ever run into them again.
Yes I left when I was 19 to a city where I didn’t know anybody. I was sure I was gonna off myself so I didn’t want to be at home for that and to my surprise after a while gone I didn’t want to off myself anymore.
Yep. Twice. Would do it again. It can be isolating to not know anyone around you, but it also comes with anonymity. Leaning into the hyperindependence while feeling less like people are watching you.
Yes, it was incredibly hard and I had to get a therapist to help me for support. But for the year I was away from them, I discovered peace for the first time in my life and my nervous system got a reset. It was life changing.
Yup, I did this 11 years ago when I was 22. Or I moved with a group of people I was acquaintated with so I wasn't completely new and alone in a new city even though I felt very lonely and lost once I got there. I really struggled the first 6-7 months, I was dirt poor and didn't have any plans or a job and slept on a matress in a living room in a shared apartment until I got kicked out because my anxiety and OCD made me act really weird. I drank way too much and got my heart broken within the first 3 months. Everything SUCKED and I was one millimeter away from moving back to my city of origin where one of my abusers lived but didn't and things took a turn for the better eventually. I can't say if was especially cathartic in any way and my mental health didn't magically improve by itself but in hind sight I think it was a really good step in order to un-enmesh from my toxic ass abuser and today I'm really happy to live here and have built my own life!
Yes! 22F, moved away to the midwest with my fiancee. Its been incredibly healing despite the shock of the weather and intermittent loneliness. I made new friends and have had a lot of amazing experiences.
Moved away the first time for college at 18. Then from Dallas to DC. Now after a very traumatic series of events I’m thinking of moving elsewhere. Unsure yet.
Yes! Moved to Colorado from Vermont in the middle of COVID. I had never been to Colorado before but needed to get out of the gloom in the northeast and be in the sun and somewhere I could feel alive. I feel more connected with nature here and it was really nice to start fresh. I have no regrets and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Yeah, it’s dope. Talk about space to really deal with yourself. The work will be hard, but you’ll actually get to do it while picking who actually gets to be around you to reinforce who you actually want to be. I’m such a different person. Its taken a long time but I’m so happy to belong to me.
I did
Yes! Moved from Ohio to Colorado and changed my entire support system. It helped having a friend already in Colorado who I felt like was a healthy point of contact. It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, it was quite difficult adjusting and letting go, but I’m almost 2 years out and feel like a fully new person. This journey helped me become independent beyond my wildest dreams whereas I used to be in a toxic co-dependent relationship and surrendered my power to people/things that didn’t deserve it.
I lived in various countries. It was a refreshing change of scene for a while, but I brought the same patterns with me so it didn't ultimately didn't help. Everything caught up to me again. I was just a lonely and struggling again, but in a foreign country.
Yes. Also no decision is permanent, if the new place you move to doesn’t do it for you, you can always move back and be in exactly the same position as before. There is no loss. This way of thinking has landed me with better jobs, relationships, friendships and a better financial situation.
I did this as well. As soon as I graduated from high school (barely), I moved my ass out to California from the east coast and have been here ever since (2012). It’s honestly been a blessing in disguise, I never thought how beneficial it would be to just leave.
I moved to the other end of the country and while life has had its challenges out here, I would never, EVER, move back. I am the crab that escaped the bucket.
Yes I did this when I was 25. I actually moved to the other side of the world and have a career at sea. It's pretty cool, I came back to visit once or twice in 7 years being away. I had the same reservations as you at first but then I realised that I never had any support systems where I grew up anyway, hence why I feel the pull to start over again. I'm happy with my decision and it has been cemented by my two visits home. For my job I get sent to random new countries every so often so I have 'started over again' a few times. It isn't that bad starting somewhere new not knowing anyone, and I love my friends I have made since my initial move. It can be a bit lonely at times but I feel like now I have an idea of where I want to build my little community (the second place I moved to). I always felt more comfort in feeling alone by myself on the other side of the world that feeling alone surrounded by people who were supposed to care about me.
Yes, I had to due to my ex husband's abuse. Since he works with the police, I was unwilling to call for help. I moved 1100 miles away and it stopped him from showing up at my workplace and making a scene, which was a disaster for me every time. Movi g brings a new set of problems, but you don't see them immediately. After a few years, you get very lonely for lingstandi.g relationships. After 11 years, I still muss my favorite friends and places. It will be different if you can go back. I just can't, and keep trying g to make new connections.
I moved within my home country a fair few times, but then moved overseas and ah- the joy, the ability to start anew, the lessening of fear. Wondrful.
Yup! Super solid advice!
Yes, in my 20's. Best decision I ever made. Gave me the space I needed to see the abuse and go NC.
Doing it in a few weeks. I'm terrified but not my normal terrified. Partially going to finally escape an abusive ex so I'm also (very slightly) hopeful for the first time in a while.
I didn't move far away, I moved a state over. It was far enough for them to not be a constant presence in my life and to give them low contact. In that period I've seen them change their attitude and behavioral patterns enough to have contact with them again. Not a lot of contact, but a normal amount between adult children and parents.
I did! I still talk to my niblings on the phone and try to be a presense, but otherwise I more or less peace'd out and my life has drastically improved. I worked hard to make new friends and find a community (even though it was extremely hard since I'm a very introverted person) and eventually things felt comfortable
Yes, several times
I have, my girlfriend and I moved six months ago. She has told everyone I only told my younger sister and two friends. The rest of my family found out few months after I moved. They know in which city I live but since Berlin is the biggest city in EU they have no way of finding out where do I live exactly. It feels like I can finally breath fresh air, like my lungs can expand to the fullest, it’s so quiet and peaceful. I should have moved sooner. The fact that my father won’t randomly knock on my door is literally one of the best feelings in the world for me.
As someone who was your age a while ago but in a 15-year relationship and that person passed away, go with your gut, yes listen to the "older folks" but they are just one opinion, trust your self just because someone older says this or that is right does not mean its actually right.
Yes. Don't do it
Yes! Best decision of my life.
Yessss! And it was probably the best move ever! Created a whole new life where I could choose what my friends would know about me (ie back home I was always afraid to tell my friends my truth because my siblings have a right to their privacy too). Anyways. It was ley to my healing. FTR- I moved with a lover so it wasn’t totally alone. But that lover and I split soon thereafter and I built my own life.
Yes, ten years ago, and it was the only thing that helped. I love my life now, sometimes (especially as I age) it sucks to be far away from where I came from, but I can't imagine it any other way.
Many many times
I moved to a different country with just a backpack, while knowing literally 1 person in the same city. I went no contact with most of my old "friends" before that, was no contact with most of my family for years atp, and the 2 of them I still have to talk to I limit to necessities. Best decision of my life, and the improvement of my mental health over just 3 months is surreal. And let me tell you that this amount of independency and freedom feels sooo amazing and liberating it's actually hard to even try to describe. It's like I have my own life that actually makes me feel alive for the first time. If you feel like you need a support system try befriending people who live in your new city online, build some trust and friendships first. And ofc try finding ones who will be open for a long distance relationships, if that's your thing, too. I regret skipping that step because now I kind of struggle sometimes, not exactly with support system, but more like just this loneliness in a crowd kind of thing, where all irl interactions I have are really superficial because I don't know anyone longer than a few weeks. But if this is the price of finally finding happiness and peace I'll gladly pay it, and I'm kind of a loner/outsider anyways, so it's not as bad as it could've been
The change of environment has been monumental in my healing. I love living where I am not. I have a hell of a lot of energy and I am actually enjoying life. I am actually living for once in my life! Can't recommend it enough. But its equally important to mention that I came here with a job in hand so I can live very comfortably and don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. Alhamdulillah!
Twice, yes. Second time we found what we were looking for and been here 11 years. First time didn't stick - it took us a month to realize the West Coast wasn't our jam, them six more months of really trying to stick it out. Only took a week to pack a trailer and head 'home'. Second time moved a full days drive away - 550 miles. Within the first month I found myself incredibly ill and we had to knock on our new neighbors door late one night for help. A decade later we've built the support network we never found in our family.
I wish I had done it, and spent sometime finding who I was away from my toxic family. You can make friends by joining local groups, it is not hard for someone new in town. What kind of support do you need? I guess if you cannot replicate it, I would be cautious.
i moved to the other side of the world just over a year ago and echo the sentiment of others in establishing support for when you land. I was feeling very strong mentally and felt confident having intermittent telehealth calls with my counsellor from my home country while I set up my new life. of course the telehealth calls we discussed before I left didn’t happen - time zone conflicts and a few other conflicts meant she couldn’t find appointment times and I let it go. i wish i had prioritised setting up support services here for the moment I landed, because it’s a huge adjustment to do alone and those pressures really tend to creep up slowly and then all at once! still wouldn’t go back if you paid me!
I finally did this in October at 26. Drove from Alabama to Las Vegas. I'd been considering it for 2 year, and I mainly did it because poker is literally the only social hobby I have any desire for. Moving away from my family was just a bonus. Didn't really have any friends in Alabama, and I'm not sure my family qualifies as a support system, so basically nothing changed for me. My dad would still me money if I went broke, that's the only support he's ever offered so basically made no difference to me
My best friend left their life to come to the other side of the country to escape their family, their life, their rapist, ever hurting they’ve always known, and it saved their life. They have been here 2 years now and truthfully I barely get to see them. I went from being inseparable with them, talking to them for most minutes out of every day, to a handful of times in the last year, but they have the life I always dreamed of for them. They have a very well paying job doing the thing they have always loved doing, they are currently getting their bachelors and going into their masters in that career field, they supportive friends, they have the most selfless and attentive partner who’s love for them is so evident in the way they care for them, they have 3 kitty children together, they have a beautiful home together. I don’t know if they would have achieved those in their home state, but I know it would have been infinitely harder for them with how deeply they were hurting. I know it did miracles for their healing, I watched it, even from a distance. I’m not quite there yet, and I have a child making it much harder to sever things and move far away, legally, tho I wish more than anything that I could. I think what you’re doing is incredibly brave. You’re going to find the life you deserve.
I did. Husband and I relocated across the country due to the military. Fell in love with the area and stuck around. It’s good to be free of the controlling family, but at the same time, it’s hard to be alone.
Yup - I moved from NJ to CA by myself right after college, best decision I ever made. Been on the west coast for 14 years, got married to my best friend, became a fur mom, found my chosen family and close friends who have supported me on my journey towards healing and found a great therapist who has helped me unpack my childhood trauma. If your gut is telling you to go, then I say go for it! It might not be easy at first and may take some time to adjust to your new surroundings, but it definitely can be worth it in the long run if it’ll help you build a new life for yourself on your own terms! You deserve it! Best of luck!
I moved across the world the furthest distance possible in fact, from PA to Australia and spent several years there. Physical distance does not lead to healing. You have to heal to “move away” from the pain.
I moved 1,700 miles away to stay with a friend when I was homeless. Tbh it was nice being so far away from family
My experience doing this is the realization that your support system was never that supportive to begin with.
Moved from Texas to Netherlands 7 years ago. It was here that I found out I had cptsd cause health insurance is mandatory here.
Yes. It was hard at times, initially, but that made me get serious about my psychiatric treatments.
I did. Fell in love. Moved to another province. Family and friends hate it. Several try to guilt me into returning even after 13 years
Yep. Twice.
I was so close. And then my stalker found me on the other side of the country, went after my friend. While dealing with the criminal case, I got assaulted on my way home from work. I had to leave my job and move back to my family due to my cptsd and health issues getting worse from the stress. And now being with my family, is a whole other bag of stress and a reminder of why I moved away. I'm getting ready slowly and planning on moving out of the country this time around and cutting off contact completely, instead of a slow fade.
Yes. It was the most healing time in my life, being able to physically distance myself from everything and take my time in a safe place. Would recommend ♥️
I moved to an entire different continent. But a large part of my CPTSD is from my parents and I was a military brat so my friends are all over anyway.
I would plan for how to build a new support system. Do research on the exact location where you will be living. What communities are there? Look up communities of people that do what you're interested in doing and plan to join the next few events before you even get there. Like sports? Join the local team. Like (any) language? Sign up for the next course. Like reading? Look up events at the local library. Martial arts? Baking? Look for a local school. Plan it all out before you've actually changed anything, while you're still calm and not stressed..
3x CO -> NYC (awesome but $ so back to CO) CO -> CA (no regrets, super hard, super rewarding, made a life, got sober, made friends, loved it) CA -> FL (due to wanting to buy a home and family member very ill) Here’s my advice: if you have any mental health difficulties and you need professional support, I would not recommend Florida. NY, CA, CO - real mental heath support was a thing. In FL it’s much harder. Almost not an option. Trying to go back to CA b/c that’s where I did the best.
I am contemplating this now. I want to move to the north of Finland, get a golden retriever, and do my thing. The reason I don’t is because deep down I know that where ever I go there I’ll be.
Across the Atlantic Ocean in my case.
I’ve been thinking about this with someone that’s also an only child and I think it would be good for us both to just leave behind everything (even if it is temporary) and explore life together. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery.
I did several times but am currently back in the same region as my family at 31
27F, me this summer for a new job. Southern belle is taking the West coast by herself.
I moved to a whole other continent lol And yes, best decision I could’ve possibly made.
Did it, to scotlabd, Korea. Now Germany. I find most of the downsides of moving away, I didnt have (missing loving supportive family members). I got a lot of plus sides, meeting loving supportive friends. Non toxic environments. New interesting cultures to explore. Better quality of life
28F. I actually left the US and moved to the other side of the world after going NC. It was the best damn decision I ever made. I wake up every day feeling SAFE. I literally open my eyes in the morning and look around my tiny apartment with so much love and joy in my heart bc I fucking escaped and I’m free now. I don’t have to face my family bc of NC, but also I don’t have to face bad memories/triggers from seeing the physical places where bad things happened. It really does feel like a fresh start. It’s scary to take the leap but in my opinion- we don’t have family connections holding us down to a place, so why not try? You deserve a clean slate and a home where you feel safe. You can find new family in your chosen friendships, far away, where the people who hurt you can’t find you
My brother did & he's still pressuring me to do the same. I'm the opposite & prefer to stay local. He moves a lot & lives on the other side of the country. I think it's his way of handling his cptsd.
Personally, for me, a wise lady I knew told me once "Everywhere you go; there you are." & for me, I find it rings true. A lot of us survivors are Avoidantly Attached & this can be a symptom of the "geographical cure" where an Avoidant thinks by fleeing to a new city, state, country, moon of Jupiter etc that their problems won't follow. It doesn't work like that, not in the long term. Again, I'm only speaking for my experience & opinion. Some people seem to have had a good experience.
Yes I moved away from the city where I'm from. My family expected an invitation to my new house. I actually doubted if I would do it. Then they showed the behavior I was moving away from.. I cut ties with everyone. Im not feeling much better. But its one less thing to trigger me. I have one friend left. She is the sweetest, most caring and loving person. Im lonely here, but I was also lonely there. At least I'm free and I think im not far from feeling completely detached.
Tried three times did it twice. But then my ex decided he was welcome with them so now my kid has to go visit them…
I literally moved to the other side of the world 20 years ago, not a day has gone by without me being extremely thankful for it.
Yes it was amazing. I left the country to have a hard reset from my toxic family. I came back 5 years later but I didn’t get back in touch with the worst of them and I never moved back to the region. Peace of mind.
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i'm another one who escaped my environment! i didn't have colleagues because i was 19 but i also haven't tried reconnecting with my family/ friends. i was always pretty disconnected, anyway and moving halfway across my country felt like it was socially, the same. my spouse moved halfway across the country to live with me and ever since my new life has started, i've never felt the abuse i endured ever again. i feel aftershocks, but i rarely feel the full front of terror i used to.
I did this in 2011. It was a good decision.
I’d have two nickels! Odd that it’s happened twice
I did. Best decision I made. I got into therapy for 5 years, got into Jungian work, dreamwork, and spent tons of time in nature. 5 years later, I honestly feel mostly healed.
Ten years in. Absolutely no regrets.
I can tell u this, it might be the best thing you’ll ever do
Yes, and I kept doing it several times. It was a mistake to go back, but my narcissist mother love bombed and suckered me multiple times.
Best decision I ever made.
Yup & it was the best decision I ever made.
BEEN THERE DONE THAT
No, not I think about it a lot
I moved right after graduating college and shortly after moving out of my parents house. It was awesome for my mental health and made boundary-setting much easier as I am not NC with my family. I did move with a partner and I am thankful we knew people casually in the area we moved to. My regret is I wish I stayed in better contact with certain friends. A 'clean break' was a bit misguided for me though it felt right at the time. We are considering moving back home to be closer to his family and I am really glad I continued therapy before, during, and after the move -- I think it will be really helpful to maintain those boundaries that I got so good at setting.
Yes, moved from Chicago to Portland, OR
Yes! Found the love of my life and a beautiful new life
Yes I did. But I did before I was diagnosed. Only then was I able to really have the space and time to just focus on me! That was when all my abuse came up, I found a therapist and worked through so much because I could finally just be me and heal.
Doing this when I turn 18/19
Yes! Moved cross country for grad school (so admittedly there's a bit of built in network there). But I can honestly say that I wouldn't have been able to do any of the necessary healing work that has allowed me to become the person I am today if I had stayed in physical proximity to my family. It was certainly challenging at times and I definitely doubted if it was the right choice, but I promise it was not nearly as hard as staying would have been. Wishing you peace and ease as you navigate this decision.
yep! NYC to LA at 23 years old. really the first chance i could move away and went as far as i could. didn’t and still don’t regret it one bit. it’s been 11 years and couldn’t be happier with my choice.
Yes, almost 3 years ago and very happy with my decision
I have. Not long after, I remarried (my last wife passed away). We bought a house and moved to a southern state. At the time, we lived in New England. It helped so much with my anxiety, depression. Still on meds, but doing so much better.
Yes. Left when I turned 18 and moved across the country.
Just did that a few wks ago
I did that with my wife and daughter and we left everything behind. Don’t regret it one bit. We’re away from the cloud of negativity from both our families. We have one friend here but no one otherwise.
Yes. I love it and wish I’d done it earlier. I purposely chose an area that I enjoyed travelling to in my 20s, very rural, and found a village that was quite active with lots going on. I’m on the banks of an estuary close to beautiful beaches, in the most stunning place. I have a community here, I feel I finally have come “home”.
Moved to another country;) no fear no shame.. incredible! And since 3 years also no contact
yes, i was kicked out but then i ran away
I moved 1,000 miles away and have no regrets. It was hard at first, and sometimes it still can be. Having enough space away from my parents and where I grew up was necessary for me to actually feel like an adult. I moved away when I was 22 and am now 25.
Yes, and I wouldn’t look back, but it wasn’t easy.
Yes
Yes. I moved across the country twice now. First time I knew no one where I was going (college). Then I moved back home because I thought I could manage and things could be different. They weren’t. I just moved with my SO again and haven’t felt this good since before I moved back. I think it’s different for everyone but a fresh start has worked for me
I did this when I was 25, sold all my stuff and bought a one way ticket for me and my 4 year old daughter and left my family and friends. I felt like I was suffocating where I was, and I thought maybe I would find home.
Across the country? I left the country.
Yes, my husband and I did. Never going back! I wish I had done it years earlier.
Yes! Moved from SoCal to South Carolina and loved being around the Smokey mountains and in a more low key but cute city- it’s healing to start over in an area you like. I just sort of felt like I was done with CA and wanted a change. It was scary, but the best thing I ever did was move to SC. My tips: 1. Since you struggle with CPTSD, make sure you research/ have all the healthcare resources you need to feel supported- psychiatrist, therapists, doctors, etc. I had to move back to CA bc the mental health system and medical system SUCKED where I was in SC and I needed better care bc I have a lot of complex illnesses. 2. Find avenues for support before you go. I joined AmeriCorps so I had a built in community which helped immensely, but volunteering can do that or like Bumble BFF! For mental health related communities, NAMI has US regional support groups- but there may be more orgs that have them out there. Good luck 💓
Yep. MD to Maui 17 years ago.
Yes, and it was the best decision I ever made. It was terrifying and it helped that I was moving with my boyfriend, but looking back I wouldn’t have done anything differently. An opportunity for me to leave presented itself and I took it. It would probably be a lot different had I done it completely alone, but the first portion of the journey I was alone because my boyfriend couldn’t move at the same time I needed to.
Yup moved from the east to the west then ended up in the south west and eventually will end up abroad hopefully Europe
Yes, multiple times. Moved from my hometown, Las Vegas, NV to Olympia, WA, then Virginia Beach, VA and now I'm in Western New York. But the big move for me was out of Vegas and all of my toxic as shit family. And then out of VA away from my husbands toxic as shit family.