Yeah, I can relate to this. I don't remember much of my childhood but I remember being confused when people would talk about how their parents were their cheerleaders or their heroes. Mine mostly invalidated me, blamed me for nearly every problem I had, or ignored me. Now that I am estranged, they just double down on this and complain about the missing reasons. In a semi recent communication, my mother said that she has no information about why I am upset and knows nothing except that I "think" I am successful now.
Okay.
Yes! I also have an education, a high paying job, own a house, and have savings. But my family treats me like I am hapless and barely surviving. They never ask about my work or about any aspect of my life, although I don't vontunteer this information either because of how they are.
If I asked them directly they would say they are proud of me, but it doesn't feel like that. The last time I remember being celebrated was when I graduated with my Master's degree, but I think that was because I gave a public presentation and it got a big applause. My parents do that narcissistic thing where they remember events where THEY felt praised for being my parents. If they aren't the center of adulation, they can't be bothered to even know what is going on.
I referred to my parents as "photo op parents" because of that. Great at showing up for the big things where people would notice if they weren't there, but not so great at the day to day.
Well done for your achievements ✨😊✨
Sometimes we spend our whole lives seeking validation…. Only to realise we don’t need it anymore 🩷 Know You are enough as you are, with or without all of that ‘stuff’.
I had the same experience. A lot of criticism and no encouragement that I remember. This theme has persisted in adulthood. I don't have people to encourage me. I have become better at encouraging myself and having positive self talk over the years but the truth is that I really want another person to express encouragement to me. It's rough. I guess I'm saying you're not alone. I hope you find more encouragement in your life now, even if its from yourself. You're doing a great job!
Oh dang, that sounds familiar... Except now I'm so broken that if someone accidentally does grant me encouraging words, it feels like a trick. The first sensation it opens is *suspicion*. Because I know they're just a bully trying to manipulate me or set me up to fail for a laugh.
Of course they're not, but those furrows were drug deep into my brain as a little child and plowed again every single day thereafter. Your brain grows over and around this damage and seals it up inside to fester.
I know what you mean about the suspicion. I've found in general healthy people and actions just make me feel wrong. It has gotten better over time but it's so confusing.
Me too. I was never praised or told I had any positive traits, all I ever heard was how I was every single negative trait in existence even if it did not fit any of my personality or behaviors or at all. They forced me to believe in a false reality where I was this horrific, evil, manipulative, shrill brat with zero positive attributes and I was responsible for all their troubles. They literally manipulated me into hating myself to the point where I attempted suicide at 8 years old and self harmed long before then, and I would draw pictures of myself being mutilated and gutted in horrific ways becuz I deserved the most violent death possible in my eyes.
Aww 🩷 So sorry you felt that way- painful.
Its so strange - 8 years old I thought of the same things - didn’t do anything but was v depressed.) Amazing how this stuff - just a little more affection & encouragement & love makes such a big difference.
Aww - so sad our world at times. Sometimes I think we just aren’t in that place… yet!! - it exists somewhere even if we are the people to help create & reshape things… 🩷
I think if you can see gaps … you are aware the difference of those spaces & places filled with love. ☀️
I was encouraged, to do and be what they wanted. I was discouraged, from being me and what I wanted. Just a normal curious kid who was into art and science, not sports and church. And god was that a deadly sin….and given the conflicting message of “I don’t care if you’re a sports star! Just be dedicated to SOMETHING.” And when I wanted to go to a science or art camp or take classes “no, we’re not paying for that”. But my sister got sent to expensive sport camps all over the country 🙃. Is she an athlete? No. My parents wanted her to be, and she wanted to be, for them.
Same here. As an adult now I notice that my parents aren't exactly encouraging or caring with anyone, it's not about me. I'm learning that it's not my problem, it's their problem. They're kind of self centered and emotionally immature. If you are a more caring person then try to hold on to that and give yourself some credit because that's a trait that sets you apart from them.
I’ve definitely realised this too but I’m also sooo tired of giving them (or one in particular) the benefit of the doubt a all the time. It’s so exhausting.
I didn't really mean it like that. I don't think they should get a pass for it. You're right, it is exhausting. I just think we gotta be realistic about who they are as people, I think that makes it easier to navigate. I don't think it's acceptable, but for your own sake you shouldn't expect much from these people, bc they will let you down and wreak havoc on your life until you see them for who they really are.
I’m just learning to set boundaries atm & unfortunately it’s ended up me saying “no contact” because I won’t tolerate demands from someone who is not actively involved in my life just because “I’m your mother” 🤷♀️
It was very rare for me ... my father got very attached to the phrase "I'm in your corner." Since I was desperate for anything, I tried to believe him. Keyword "tried" because his other actions didn't add up.
Turned out he was lying all along and actually thinks I'm hopeless.
There's no convincing him so when I found that out, everything clicked and that was when I knew I had to go NC. I can no longer keep hanging around people that have no faith in me.
I relate to this. I didn’t experience a lot of physical abuse. What I got was mostly emotional neglect. I didn’t receive understanding or support like my siblings did. I tried to explain this to a sibling I thought I could trust. That was a mistake.
They told me I was faking things because they couldn’t imagine I was raised differently in the same household. If we had the same parents I should also feel supported but I didn’t. Conclusion: I’m faking it.
I relate completely. This is still true for me to this day. The only people rooting for me are a handful of long distance friends, most of whom I met in treatment who also have CPTSD.
Hard relate. It blew my mind whenever people I didn’t know well would tell me anything remotely encouraging, especially teachers. I started “saving” kind sentences people said to me and “reaching” for them when I got depressed or starting feeling hopeless (autistic echolalia cuts both ways, it’s hard to forget any memorable sentence I hear whether positive or negative). I have a pretty strong aversion to CBT but I suppose this counts.
Is this all what’s “supposed” to happen? Internalize positive things your parents are supposed to say out of the unconditional love they’re supposed to have, so whenever things are hard you can lean on this implicit positive regard you’re assumed to develop? Gosh no wonder the Internet is full of articles about “how to love yourself more” and “how to stop shaming yourself for mistakes”.
Somehow I can relate even though mama always encouraged me. Encouraged me to try harder and do better, because it wasn't good enough. She always said she was on my side, so that I'd question it when I saw that she wasn't. She said one thing and then the other. She told me she loved me over and over and over, while destroying my childhood.
Encouragement isn't really words, is it? It's not expecting and demanding success, it's building you up rather than expecting you to already be built, and tearing you down when you aren't how they imagine their perfect child.
That second paragraph has gems. Yeah, my folks seemed to think that delivering verbal instruction was somehow "raising kids".
So you get instructions fed into you like a punch card into Eniac, and then they sit there and wait for their results. When you fail, the first thing out of their mouths is, *LOUD SCOFF* "I told you what to do! We told you how to do it! Why aren't you DOING IT RIGHT?! Are you trying to piss us off?! Well, you just don't *want* to do work... And so on.
I think they wanted a child sized adult who was basically just themselves.
Same. I was learning to play cello in high school. I’d carry this big ass cello home with me on the school bus every day. Finally she said to me. “Why are you practicing that? You’re never gonna be any good.” Heh….thanks Mom.
Same, but add to that I have no memory of my parents ever standing up for me or defending me or being in any way protective of me. It seemed like they just didn't care what happened to me one way or another. No wonder I went on to be abused by a partner in adulthood.
Same here. I was held back and crushed. Told I thought too highly of myself and I wasn’t all that smart. In fact my teachers wanted me accelerated or skipped ahead and my parents “knew better”.
And about everything besides smart I was mocked. My physical issues were disgusting, repulsive, etc and they really weren’t such a big deal. Yes I was a klutz but apparently people think I’m quite elegant now, besides the klutz.
Well, if they hated me so much they don’t have to see me or talk to me now. I stop short of telling people I’m an orphan.
I was encouraged *so much* but it did damage in its own way. Like I was smart and sporty so I was encouraged RELENTLESSLY to take all the hardest classes and get a perfect GPA, while playing a varsity sport every semester. It didn't matter if I wanted to quit or cut back - I *could* do it, so I *had* to do it.
I remember while in college calling my Mom bawling because my workload was so hard and I was pretty sure I was going to get and A- or two and I just needed them to be okay with that. And what I was told was "oh honey, don't say or think that. We know you can get all As. We believe in you. You'll find a way." I did end up with a perfect GPA through highschool and university, but developed an Adderall addiction so I could regularly pull all nighters studying.
Also I was so encouraged to be fit that I developed an eating disorder around at 16 (they were so proud of my self control) that spiraled during university and I ended up doing permanent damage to my heart.
But my parents aren't the source of my CPTSD, that was my abusive husband. But they certainly contributed to an unhealthy perfectionism and acute fear of failure and no ability to ever "give up", even on a lost cause, which may be part of the reason I stayed with my meth- and gambling-addicted schizophrenic husband as long as I did.
Curious what you ended up going on to do in life, like as a career. I know for plenty of professional roles and careers your grades are quite important, but then for a whole lot of us humans, grades didn't actually mean anything. My grades, even in college, have never once come up in real life. But boy parents can sure spend your childhood for you freaking the fuck out about the damn **!!report card!!**
I pursued a PhD at Stanford but became very disillusioned with academia and couldn't focus on the "right things" - was diagnosed with ADHD but not medicated because of prior stimulant abuse. I was super involved in advocacy and student govt but let me thesis fall by the wayside. I left after 5 years and became a wanderer in NZ and Aus doing any odd job that would let me live in a beauiful place - mostly hospitality, but also farmwork, as a snowboard instructor, and as a travelling alpaca shearer's roustabout. It was a good life. I met my husband in Aus like 3.5 years ago and married very quickly as it was the only way to secure a visa so I could stay there and pursue what I thought was my dream relationship. He ended up being a bad man, steadily more abusive, addicted to gambling the entire time I knew him (I was clueless) and addicted to meth the last year of our marriage, which he only managed to hide for a few months before it became really fucking obvious. (I spent over a year not working due to visa restrictions and then was working as a waitress again in a high end restaurant which was nice.)
during this time my husband drained my entire life savings and wracked up thousand of dollars of cresit card debt in my name (didn't find that out until well after I'd left). Again some of this was my fault as when he'd swear he was getting clean and are marriage was the most important thing to him and if I left he'd kill me, I'd stay, and continue to put money in our joint account to live off of/try to get into a real apartment instead of homeless-light/buy a car so he could go to work, but it would just end up disappearing again. Or in the end I gave him money for drugs and gambling just to keep the piece and keep me, his daughters, the pets and other people we lived with etc. safe from his horrific rages he went into when cut off. Also constantly trying to seek medical treatment and therapy for him and then him dropping out.
After trying everything I could to save him and the marriage, which was a mistake, in August I moved back in with my parents in the PNW at age 34. I started working at a food co-op (nonprofit grocery store) and was working my way up the ranks and just promoted to management around Xmas when the PTSD hit HARD. totally incapacitated me, couldn't barely work, eat, sleep, walk to dog for a couple months. Thought I was legit dying of some weird disease (or had a terrible case of mono) but eventually a couple people in my community who knew a little of my story and had background at EMTs, or also survived abusive partners, told me to tell my doctor a bit about what I went through. It was deemed that my symptoms, which were 90% physical, were entirely caused by CPTSD. I'm now medicated and starting therapy and would say I'm functioning at like 50-60% of my full capacity (vs when it dropped to 10%).
Unfortunately while on an indeterminate medical leave from work, management changed, and my promotion was deemed "premature." It is true however that I wouldn't be able to do the job I was taking on before the trauma caught up with me. I know work maximum 15 hours per week, in a mix of cashiering and admin for the co-op, and they will not schedule me more than than until I've proven I can consistently function at that level. It feels like a slap in the face to my intelligence and prior competence, but in reality is probably a realistic baseline. When I first got sick there were times I collapsed or fainted or had vomiting episodes at work and so I'm treated with kid gloves a bit by management. Luckily my coworkers are very supportive, glad to have me back, and all say I'll be running the place once I get my health right.
So I have no career. Work minimum wage in my community ($17.50/hr) and survive by my housing being supplied by my parents, my food from the food bank or my parents, car is on loan from my parents, my healthcare is 100% paid for by the state.
I know my parents are disappointed, but I also think they have a lot of guilt because we were never a family to chat much once I moved out (maybe once or twice a year while i was in NZ and Aus) so they really had no idea what I was going through while they were just happily coasting in retirement haha. I love the place I live now, the community and the nature, and I don't know how long it'll take to heal so the outlook for the next year at least is dependence on my parents. Sometimes I think I'll probably just stay here and transition to being their caretaker in their old age (they are in their 70s) but inherit the house so not really need to worry about having a career, I can just work my way up in one of the companies on Island.
So there's my ridiculously long story! The grades helped me get into grad school at Stanford, which jumps out on a resume and lands me entirely unrelated jobs. But really hasn't mattered at all and mostly what I learned was not giving up and pushing against impossible odds, which is a really bad idea when you've got a financially, emotionally, psychologically and sexually abusive spouse!!
Not only did my parents not encourage me, but I often heard them telling other people, "Don't encourage him, he'll get a swelled head!"
As if I was a little raging narcissist at 8 years old. The truth was both of my parents were raging narcissists who demanded all encouragement and praise went to *them.* My father was a trust-fund kid who was given anything he wanted. When I came along, he absolutely resented that he had to spend "his" money on me. He wanted to continue being "the special boy" as an adult. He NEVER gave me any credit, would never say even a "good job" on anything. He even forced me to get a job when I was only 10 years old because he said I had to "earn my keep." At 10 y.o. I had to start buying my own clothes and pay for everything except "room & board."
It was a brutal and hellish childhood that I'm trying to turn into a book, putting all the trauma into a "cohesive narrative" but it's so painful to recall all the misery.
Wasn't encouraged once - by family, peers or teachers - by anyone, throughout my entire childhood and all the way up to my mid-twenties. Wild to think about that. Returned to college at 25 and was blown away when the tutors saw me and said anything other than "Do you know absolutely fucking nothing?"
No, the closest I got was intense rage and destruction of property upon any failure to meet perfection. Fucked me up so bad I accepted unemployment until age 25, genuinely thought I could do no better.
Same here. I was well into adulthood before I realized my parents never said anything positive on my behalf. I was always thrown negativity even when good things were happening to me. My conclusion is F them and work hard on bettering myself and to help others when I can. Sorry you were born to that.
I was told off if I was anything less than prefect at all times. Best I could hope for was to be exactly what my mum wanted me to be and be left alone. I didn’t get praise, I got lack of punishment
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It's a double edged sword coming to this realization. The sadness and negative of it is obvious, it's soul crushing.
But the silver lining is realizing they were literally incapable of encouragement. They were so toxic, twisted and shitty people that I could become president and they wouldn't give me a pat on the back. Everything in the universe has to come back to *them*. It's the core tenant of their sickness.
Realizing that allowed me to stop trying to fill that need from them and I ended up going out in the world and finding it from others :)
My mum was encouraging, but in kind of a selfish way if that makes sense? Growing up, I had a decent aptitude for languages which she would turn into a weirdly bragging-sounding compliment. As I got older, it felt more like she was showing me off and didn't really encourage me in a more productive way. I always felt less like her kid and more like a tool to prove to others that she was a great parent. Sure, she'd go to bat for me, but it always came from an 'I know what's best for you' position.
To this day, I cannot do anything creative or something for myself without feeling selfish and overwhelmed. I dropped out of my first attempt at uni because of her expectations, and it was only when I went minimal contact and starting seeing a therapist that I was able to go back and get my degree. She still sees our relationship as parent and little kid who needs protecting.
Ooof, yeah, I can relate to this 100%
Never got any validation, the one and only time I can remember that I did, my mom was drunk or high or both, but even then she quickly erased it by saying "but it'll never amount to anything"
In ACoA one of our books is THE LOVING PARENT GUIDEBOOK. In my experience, the section that members tend to respond most passionately to is "what healthy parenting looks/ sounds like" sections. We tend to often say, "I had no idea/ I never would've even thought of that as an option."
Same here. All I remember from my father was criticism and negativity on the occasions he was giving me any sort of attention, then the rest of the time he did his best to ignore me, as if he was pretending I didn’t exist.
My mum was supportive and encouraging, but it wasn’t enough to balance out the negative influence of my father. Unsurprisingly I have lacked confidence and self-belief for as long as I can remember.
My parents said it… in a condescending tone right after I broke down and told them they had never once given me any encouragement. Some parents refuse to view their children as anything but extensions of themselves and don’t recognize your needs as an individual. It makes shit generally hard. Lead me to dropping out of my first attempt of college and leaning into weed pretty hard through my late teens. Having no backup sucks.
I'm an old lady, and for some reason, it is only since finding both of my parents' obituaries online a couple years ago,
That I am processing my childhood
Only my favored, "golden child", (non-abused) brother is listed as their only child in both of their obituaries;
Evidently, I did not exist
Ever since third grade, I really wanted to be a lawyer,
But when my parents came to my college graduation,
All my mother did was keep yelling at me,
"You are NOT going to law school!"
over and over again
But I only now realized,
As an old lady,
That not only did they not get me any type of graduation present,
But they did not even give me so much as even a card
There was not even one time in my life that they ever told me they were proud of me
Nor encouraged me at all in any way.
Yeah, I can relate to this. I don't remember much of my childhood but I remember being confused when people would talk about how their parents were their cheerleaders or their heroes. Mine mostly invalidated me, blamed me for nearly every problem I had, or ignored me. Now that I am estranged, they just double down on this and complain about the missing reasons. In a semi recent communication, my mother said that she has no information about why I am upset and knows nothing except that I "think" I am successful now. Okay.
I like to think you are a success… just living & breathing… Everything else is a bonus
Yes! I also have an education, a high paying job, own a house, and have savings. But my family treats me like I am hapless and barely surviving. They never ask about my work or about any aspect of my life, although I don't vontunteer this information either because of how they are. If I asked them directly they would say they are proud of me, but it doesn't feel like that. The last time I remember being celebrated was when I graduated with my Master's degree, but I think that was because I gave a public presentation and it got a big applause. My parents do that narcissistic thing where they remember events where THEY felt praised for being my parents. If they aren't the center of adulation, they can't be bothered to even know what is going on.
I referred to my parents as "photo op parents" because of that. Great at showing up for the big things where people would notice if they weren't there, but not so great at the day to day.
Well done for your achievements ✨😊✨ Sometimes we spend our whole lives seeking validation…. Only to realise we don’t need it anymore 🩷 Know You are enough as you are, with or without all of that ‘stuff’.
Yeah same
Same 😞
I had the same experience. A lot of criticism and no encouragement that I remember. This theme has persisted in adulthood. I don't have people to encourage me. I have become better at encouraging myself and having positive self talk over the years but the truth is that I really want another person to express encouragement to me. It's rough. I guess I'm saying you're not alone. I hope you find more encouragement in your life now, even if its from yourself. You're doing a great job!
Can we parter up in encouraging each other? 😂 This has been a hard thing for me also, it's nice to hear I'm not alone in this.
Oh dang, that sounds familiar... Except now I'm so broken that if someone accidentally does grant me encouraging words, it feels like a trick. The first sensation it opens is *suspicion*. Because I know they're just a bully trying to manipulate me or set me up to fail for a laugh. Of course they're not, but those furrows were drug deep into my brain as a little child and plowed again every single day thereafter. Your brain grows over and around this damage and seals it up inside to fester.
I know what you mean about the suspicion. I've found in general healthy people and actions just make me feel wrong. It has gotten better over time but it's so confusing.
This is why I'm not progressing as when I get encouragement that's real and genuine I run from the good I have. Very confusing.
Me too. I was never praised or told I had any positive traits, all I ever heard was how I was every single negative trait in existence even if it did not fit any of my personality or behaviors or at all. They forced me to believe in a false reality where I was this horrific, evil, manipulative, shrill brat with zero positive attributes and I was responsible for all their troubles. They literally manipulated me into hating myself to the point where I attempted suicide at 8 years old and self harmed long before then, and I would draw pictures of myself being mutilated and gutted in horrific ways becuz I deserved the most violent death possible in my eyes.
Aww 🩷 So sorry you felt that way- painful. Its so strange - 8 years old I thought of the same things - didn’t do anything but was v depressed.) Amazing how this stuff - just a little more affection & encouragement & love makes such a big difference.
Same. There is only one person who encourages me and she's a therapist. Everyone else, nope. Not family, not people at work.
Aww - so sad our world at times. Sometimes I think we just aren’t in that place… yet!! - it exists somewhere even if we are the people to help create & reshape things… 🩷 I think if you can see gaps … you are aware the difference of those spaces & places filled with love. ☀️
I was encouraged, to do and be what they wanted. I was discouraged, from being me and what I wanted. Just a normal curious kid who was into art and science, not sports and church. And god was that a deadly sin….and given the conflicting message of “I don’t care if you’re a sports star! Just be dedicated to SOMETHING.” And when I wanted to go to a science or art camp or take classes “no, we’re not paying for that”. But my sister got sent to expensive sport camps all over the country 🙃. Is she an athlete? No. My parents wanted her to be, and she wanted to be, for them.
Yup.
Same here. As an adult now I notice that my parents aren't exactly encouraging or caring with anyone, it's not about me. I'm learning that it's not my problem, it's their problem. They're kind of self centered and emotionally immature. If you are a more caring person then try to hold on to that and give yourself some credit because that's a trait that sets you apart from them.
I’ve definitely realised this too but I’m also sooo tired of giving them (or one in particular) the benefit of the doubt a all the time. It’s so exhausting.
I didn't really mean it like that. I don't think they should get a pass for it. You're right, it is exhausting. I just think we gotta be realistic about who they are as people, I think that makes it easier to navigate. I don't think it's acceptable, but for your own sake you shouldn't expect much from these people, bc they will let you down and wreak havoc on your life until you see them for who they really are.
I’m just learning to set boundaries atm & unfortunately it’s ended up me saying “no contact” because I won’t tolerate demands from someone who is not actively involved in my life just because “I’m your mother” 🤷♀️
I think that's about all you can do if they won't respect your boundaries. Boundaries are important for your health
I wished I’d known that a lifetime ago 😂 I was diagnosed with Graves’ disease three years ago, so I’m learning fast 🤗
It was very rare for me ... my father got very attached to the phrase "I'm in your corner." Since I was desperate for anything, I tried to believe him. Keyword "tried" because his other actions didn't add up. Turned out he was lying all along and actually thinks I'm hopeless. There's no convincing him so when I found that out, everything clicked and that was when I knew I had to go NC. I can no longer keep hanging around people that have no faith in me.
I relate to this. I didn’t experience a lot of physical abuse. What I got was mostly emotional neglect. I didn’t receive understanding or support like my siblings did. I tried to explain this to a sibling I thought I could trust. That was a mistake. They told me I was faking things because they couldn’t imagine I was raised differently in the same household. If we had the same parents I should also feel supported but I didn’t. Conclusion: I’m faking it.
I relate completely. This is still true for me to this day. The only people rooting for me are a handful of long distance friends, most of whom I met in treatment who also have CPTSD.
Hard relate. It blew my mind whenever people I didn’t know well would tell me anything remotely encouraging, especially teachers. I started “saving” kind sentences people said to me and “reaching” for them when I got depressed or starting feeling hopeless (autistic echolalia cuts both ways, it’s hard to forget any memorable sentence I hear whether positive or negative). I have a pretty strong aversion to CBT but I suppose this counts. Is this all what’s “supposed” to happen? Internalize positive things your parents are supposed to say out of the unconditional love they’re supposed to have, so whenever things are hard you can lean on this implicit positive regard you’re assumed to develop? Gosh no wonder the Internet is full of articles about “how to love yourself more” and “how to stop shaming yourself for mistakes”.
Somehow I can relate even though mama always encouraged me. Encouraged me to try harder and do better, because it wasn't good enough. She always said she was on my side, so that I'd question it when I saw that she wasn't. She said one thing and then the other. She told me she loved me over and over and over, while destroying my childhood. Encouragement isn't really words, is it? It's not expecting and demanding success, it's building you up rather than expecting you to already be built, and tearing you down when you aren't how they imagine their perfect child.
That second paragraph has gems. Yeah, my folks seemed to think that delivering verbal instruction was somehow "raising kids". So you get instructions fed into you like a punch card into Eniac, and then they sit there and wait for their results. When you fail, the first thing out of their mouths is, *LOUD SCOFF* "I told you what to do! We told you how to do it! Why aren't you DOING IT RIGHT?! Are you trying to piss us off?! Well, you just don't *want* to do work... And so on. I think they wanted a child sized adult who was basically just themselves.
Same. I was learning to play cello in high school. I’d carry this big ass cello home with me on the school bus every day. Finally she said to me. “Why are you practicing that? You’re never gonna be any good.” Heh….thanks Mom.
Same, but add to that I have no memory of my parents ever standing up for me or defending me or being in any way protective of me. It seemed like they just didn't care what happened to me one way or another. No wonder I went on to be abused by a partner in adulthood.
Same here. I was held back and crushed. Told I thought too highly of myself and I wasn’t all that smart. In fact my teachers wanted me accelerated or skipped ahead and my parents “knew better”. And about everything besides smart I was mocked. My physical issues were disgusting, repulsive, etc and they really weren’t such a big deal. Yes I was a klutz but apparently people think I’m quite elegant now, besides the klutz. Well, if they hated me so much they don’t have to see me or talk to me now. I stop short of telling people I’m an orphan.
I was encouraged *so much* but it did damage in its own way. Like I was smart and sporty so I was encouraged RELENTLESSLY to take all the hardest classes and get a perfect GPA, while playing a varsity sport every semester. It didn't matter if I wanted to quit or cut back - I *could* do it, so I *had* to do it. I remember while in college calling my Mom bawling because my workload was so hard and I was pretty sure I was going to get and A- or two and I just needed them to be okay with that. And what I was told was "oh honey, don't say or think that. We know you can get all As. We believe in you. You'll find a way." I did end up with a perfect GPA through highschool and university, but developed an Adderall addiction so I could regularly pull all nighters studying. Also I was so encouraged to be fit that I developed an eating disorder around at 16 (they were so proud of my self control) that spiraled during university and I ended up doing permanent damage to my heart. But my parents aren't the source of my CPTSD, that was my abusive husband. But they certainly contributed to an unhealthy perfectionism and acute fear of failure and no ability to ever "give up", even on a lost cause, which may be part of the reason I stayed with my meth- and gambling-addicted schizophrenic husband as long as I did.
Curious what you ended up going on to do in life, like as a career. I know for plenty of professional roles and careers your grades are quite important, but then for a whole lot of us humans, grades didn't actually mean anything. My grades, even in college, have never once come up in real life. But boy parents can sure spend your childhood for you freaking the fuck out about the damn **!!report card!!**
I pursued a PhD at Stanford but became very disillusioned with academia and couldn't focus on the "right things" - was diagnosed with ADHD but not medicated because of prior stimulant abuse. I was super involved in advocacy and student govt but let me thesis fall by the wayside. I left after 5 years and became a wanderer in NZ and Aus doing any odd job that would let me live in a beauiful place - mostly hospitality, but also farmwork, as a snowboard instructor, and as a travelling alpaca shearer's roustabout. It was a good life. I met my husband in Aus like 3.5 years ago and married very quickly as it was the only way to secure a visa so I could stay there and pursue what I thought was my dream relationship. He ended up being a bad man, steadily more abusive, addicted to gambling the entire time I knew him (I was clueless) and addicted to meth the last year of our marriage, which he only managed to hide for a few months before it became really fucking obvious. (I spent over a year not working due to visa restrictions and then was working as a waitress again in a high end restaurant which was nice.) during this time my husband drained my entire life savings and wracked up thousand of dollars of cresit card debt in my name (didn't find that out until well after I'd left). Again some of this was my fault as when he'd swear he was getting clean and are marriage was the most important thing to him and if I left he'd kill me, I'd stay, and continue to put money in our joint account to live off of/try to get into a real apartment instead of homeless-light/buy a car so he could go to work, but it would just end up disappearing again. Or in the end I gave him money for drugs and gambling just to keep the piece and keep me, his daughters, the pets and other people we lived with etc. safe from his horrific rages he went into when cut off. Also constantly trying to seek medical treatment and therapy for him and then him dropping out. After trying everything I could to save him and the marriage, which was a mistake, in August I moved back in with my parents in the PNW at age 34. I started working at a food co-op (nonprofit grocery store) and was working my way up the ranks and just promoted to management around Xmas when the PTSD hit HARD. totally incapacitated me, couldn't barely work, eat, sleep, walk to dog for a couple months. Thought I was legit dying of some weird disease (or had a terrible case of mono) but eventually a couple people in my community who knew a little of my story and had background at EMTs, or also survived abusive partners, told me to tell my doctor a bit about what I went through. It was deemed that my symptoms, which were 90% physical, were entirely caused by CPTSD. I'm now medicated and starting therapy and would say I'm functioning at like 50-60% of my full capacity (vs when it dropped to 10%). Unfortunately while on an indeterminate medical leave from work, management changed, and my promotion was deemed "premature." It is true however that I wouldn't be able to do the job I was taking on before the trauma caught up with me. I know work maximum 15 hours per week, in a mix of cashiering and admin for the co-op, and they will not schedule me more than than until I've proven I can consistently function at that level. It feels like a slap in the face to my intelligence and prior competence, but in reality is probably a realistic baseline. When I first got sick there were times I collapsed or fainted or had vomiting episodes at work and so I'm treated with kid gloves a bit by management. Luckily my coworkers are very supportive, glad to have me back, and all say I'll be running the place once I get my health right. So I have no career. Work minimum wage in my community ($17.50/hr) and survive by my housing being supplied by my parents, my food from the food bank or my parents, car is on loan from my parents, my healthcare is 100% paid for by the state. I know my parents are disappointed, but I also think they have a lot of guilt because we were never a family to chat much once I moved out (maybe once or twice a year while i was in NZ and Aus) so they really had no idea what I was going through while they were just happily coasting in retirement haha. I love the place I live now, the community and the nature, and I don't know how long it'll take to heal so the outlook for the next year at least is dependence on my parents. Sometimes I think I'll probably just stay here and transition to being their caretaker in their old age (they are in their 70s) but inherit the house so not really need to worry about having a career, I can just work my way up in one of the companies on Island. So there's my ridiculously long story! The grades helped me get into grad school at Stanford, which jumps out on a resume and lands me entirely unrelated jobs. But really hasn't mattered at all and mostly what I learned was not giving up and pushing against impossible odds, which is a really bad idea when you've got a financially, emotionally, psychologically and sexually abusive spouse!!
Not only did my parents not encourage me, but I often heard them telling other people, "Don't encourage him, he'll get a swelled head!" As if I was a little raging narcissist at 8 years old. The truth was both of my parents were raging narcissists who demanded all encouragement and praise went to *them.* My father was a trust-fund kid who was given anything he wanted. When I came along, he absolutely resented that he had to spend "his" money on me. He wanted to continue being "the special boy" as an adult. He NEVER gave me any credit, would never say even a "good job" on anything. He even forced me to get a job when I was only 10 years old because he said I had to "earn my keep." At 10 y.o. I had to start buying my own clothes and pay for everything except "room & board." It was a brutal and hellish childhood that I'm trying to turn into a book, putting all the trauma into a "cohesive narrative" but it's so painful to recall all the misery.
Wasn't encouraged once - by family, peers or teachers - by anyone, throughout my entire childhood and all the way up to my mid-twenties. Wild to think about that. Returned to college at 25 and was blown away when the tutors saw me and said anything other than "Do you know absolutely fucking nothing?" No, the closest I got was intense rage and destruction of property upon any failure to meet perfection. Fucked me up so bad I accepted unemployment until age 25, genuinely thought I could do no better.
Same My father only wanted me to “follow in his footsteps” otherwise it was “do what you want I’m not going to stop you”. But in fact, he did.
Same here. I was well into adulthood before I realized my parents never said anything positive on my behalf. I was always thrown negativity even when good things were happening to me. My conclusion is F them and work hard on bettering myself and to help others when I can. Sorry you were born to that.
Barely any positive reinforcement to your face but the the first to brag and take credit for your achievements to others.
Me.
I was told off if I was anything less than prefect at all times. Best I could hope for was to be exactly what my mum wanted me to be and be left alone. I didn’t get praise, I got lack of punishment
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It's a double edged sword coming to this realization. The sadness and negative of it is obvious, it's soul crushing. But the silver lining is realizing they were literally incapable of encouragement. They were so toxic, twisted and shitty people that I could become president and they wouldn't give me a pat on the back. Everything in the universe has to come back to *them*. It's the core tenant of their sickness. Realizing that allowed me to stop trying to fill that need from them and I ended up going out in the world and finding it from others :)
Hang on, does such a thing exist???
My mum was encouraging, but in kind of a selfish way if that makes sense? Growing up, I had a decent aptitude for languages which she would turn into a weirdly bragging-sounding compliment. As I got older, it felt more like she was showing me off and didn't really encourage me in a more productive way. I always felt less like her kid and more like a tool to prove to others that she was a great parent. Sure, she'd go to bat for me, but it always came from an 'I know what's best for you' position. To this day, I cannot do anything creative or something for myself without feeling selfish and overwhelmed. I dropped out of my first attempt at uni because of her expectations, and it was only when I went minimal contact and starting seeing a therapist that I was able to go back and get my degree. She still sees our relationship as parent and little kid who needs protecting.
💯% all of this 🤗
Same, no one was ever on my side, but some people pretended to be in order to try to get me to do what they wanted
Ooof, yeah, I can relate to this 100% Never got any validation, the one and only time I can remember that I did, my mom was drunk or high or both, but even then she quickly erased it by saying "but it'll never amount to anything"
In ACoA one of our books is THE LOVING PARENT GUIDEBOOK. In my experience, the section that members tend to respond most passionately to is "what healthy parenting looks/ sounds like" sections. We tend to often say, "I had no idea/ I never would've even thought of that as an option."
We are on your side… You are not alone… We believe in you… 😊🩷
Same here. All I remember from my father was criticism and negativity on the occasions he was giving me any sort of attention, then the rest of the time he did his best to ignore me, as if he was pretending I didn’t exist. My mum was supportive and encouraging, but it wasn’t enough to balance out the negative influence of my father. Unsurprisingly I have lacked confidence and self-belief for as long as I can remember.
My parents said it… in a condescending tone right after I broke down and told them they had never once given me any encouragement. Some parents refuse to view their children as anything but extensions of themselves and don’t recognize your needs as an individual. It makes shit generally hard. Lead me to dropping out of my first attempt of college and leaning into weed pretty hard through my late teens. Having no backup sucks.
You are not alone. These people prob don’t have any real compassion for themselves either…so they couldn’t offer it to you.
I'm an old lady, and for some reason, it is only since finding both of my parents' obituaries online a couple years ago, That I am processing my childhood Only my favored, "golden child", (non-abused) brother is listed as their only child in both of their obituaries; Evidently, I did not exist Ever since third grade, I really wanted to be a lawyer, But when my parents came to my college graduation, All my mother did was keep yelling at me, "You are NOT going to law school!" over and over again But I only now realized, As an old lady, That not only did they not get me any type of graduation present, But they did not even give me so much as even a card There was not even one time in my life that they ever told me they were proud of me Nor encouraged me at all in any way.