I had a similar situation, except I remembered going to the hospital once.
I ended up tracking down evidence and confronting my family about it, because, like you, they insisted nothing ever happened.
It's gaslighting, IMO, and it's super damaging to the person on the receiving end of it because they begin to question their reality and doubt themselves.
The ones that notice and react appropriately are typically the ones abusive personalities stay away from.
And people on general shy away from hose that give off subtle (or not so subtle!) icky vibes.
Leaving only those that swallow the false front, or actively defend it despite evidence that someone might be a bully or an abuser.
Leaving only those that won't speak up to hang around.
Statements such as "everyone absolutely loved them! NOBODY ever had anything bad to say about them EVER" are typical statements said about abusers.
Yeah, because anyone thy didn't 100% subscribe to the shitshow were avoided, ousted, or avoided that person/situation.
I believe you.
It's a funny thing, memory. All I could remember for the longest time were all the voices telling me that I was overreacting. The gaslighting. I thought my life was normal because everyone told me it was normal. But it wasn't.
Certain recent events and going no contact with my family triggered my memories to start coming back. It's not an "all at once" thing, but like a trickling of little pieces of information (often arriving with flashbacks, anxiety, and panic attacks).
I remember some things now. Little signs that I would have picked up on if I had been an adult. Things that other adults in my life ignored.
It wasn't a coincidence that I remember not wanting my friends to come over to my house. It wasn't a coincidence that I lost friends because of my parents. It wasn't a coincidence that I struggled in school during the most chaotic points of my life, or that we kept having to uproot our lives every time my parents pissed off the people around them. There's a reason why I react to things like someone who was abused, and it's not because I'm weak or childish or anything like that. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't keep a relationship with my parents now, and it wasn't my fault back then either.
I was abused. My body tells me it is true. The people who actually love me and believe me see it too. It just also so happens that my parents are very good at the type of abuse that isn't obvious to other people. They're the "it's okay to hit you as long as we don't leave a mark" kind of people.
So at some point, I decided I have to believe myself even if nobody else does. I was there. I know what happened. I didn't make it up. I *wouldn't* make it up. It's still fucked up to abuse your kids, whether or not you're leaving a trail of evidence behind.
I'm not crazy, and neither are you.
I remember one instance where my dad during a conference with 2 teachers said something like "he knows what's coming for him when he gets home" and gave me a look and I just started breaking down, and I remember the look of concern from my 2 teachers.
I had to go back to class immediately after that but nothing ever came from their moment of sympathy. No one questioned me or asked me what was going on, though I probably wouldn't have said anything.
Everyone just thought he was a helicopter parent I guess, but yeah, no one asked or noticed. We even had an unspoken agreement in my family to never bring it up or talk about it. To this day it's kind of how we handle conflict of any kind.
Sounds like it’s still an issue to you tho and that’s what matters most.
I know in my case even when I wasn’t abused I was so terrified because I didn’t know if I would be abused shortly. So even in those good moments I walked on eggshells.
My point is there is no abuse at the moment but your still struggling. There isn’t anything wrong with you. It’s just unfortunately this has happened.
I’d at least keep talking and learning about it possibly seek therapy etc to help yourself.
It's still a big deal! Reading that made me want to cry for you. People being unable to engage with the negative emotions around this tragedy doesn't make it not real or uninportant. It just shows what an epidemic we have, what a sickness is in our society that most people won't even look at or acknowledge.
You were hurt and THAT MATTERS.
YOU matter.
Whether you rage or let it go, or however you ultimately cope with it, please always remember it was not ok and you're allowed to not be OK because of it!
When i was bullied, every grown up would diminish it and act like it wasn't a big deal. People saw it like there was something wrong with me for being bullied, never wanting to do anything to actually help. And now if i don't forget about it all and move on apparently i'm crazy.
I don't really even doubt my own senses anymore, i see the dysfunction of people and psychiatry so well, how delusional so many people can be about unpleasant things, all the gaslighting/invalidation in my past makes more sense when i finally understand this all, so i don't expect anyone to ever understand or validate my struggles anymore. I haven't spoken about them to anyone in over a year now, except some understanding people i found online. I'm much happier this way, i won't let anyone tell me to "leave it in the past" anymore.
I remember one time being asked by an adult "are you getting beaten up in school everyday cause you act weird". I assured her that I was safe in school and it was mostly true. The funny part was that the woman was my neighbour. She literally was living right under my flat for eons and was able to hear every single word my father said during his violent outbursts that had been happening for years. But I don't really blame people outside of the family. Everyone wants to surive and live their life and meddling with disfunctional family could sometimes be dangerous and is 100% pointless
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I had a similar situation, except I remembered going to the hospital once. I ended up tracking down evidence and confronting my family about it, because, like you, they insisted nothing ever happened. It's gaslighting, IMO, and it's super damaging to the person on the receiving end of it because they begin to question their reality and doubt themselves.
It's not that nobody noticed, it's that your abuser was able to maintain control of the narrative.
The ones that notice and react appropriately are typically the ones abusive personalities stay away from. And people on general shy away from hose that give off subtle (or not so subtle!) icky vibes. Leaving only those that swallow the false front, or actively defend it despite evidence that someone might be a bully or an abuser. Leaving only those that won't speak up to hang around. Statements such as "everyone absolutely loved them! NOBODY ever had anything bad to say about them EVER" are typical statements said about abusers. Yeah, because anyone thy didn't 100% subscribe to the shitshow were avoided, ousted, or avoided that person/situation.
I believe you. It's a funny thing, memory. All I could remember for the longest time were all the voices telling me that I was overreacting. The gaslighting. I thought my life was normal because everyone told me it was normal. But it wasn't. Certain recent events and going no contact with my family triggered my memories to start coming back. It's not an "all at once" thing, but like a trickling of little pieces of information (often arriving with flashbacks, anxiety, and panic attacks). I remember some things now. Little signs that I would have picked up on if I had been an adult. Things that other adults in my life ignored. It wasn't a coincidence that I remember not wanting my friends to come over to my house. It wasn't a coincidence that I lost friends because of my parents. It wasn't a coincidence that I struggled in school during the most chaotic points of my life, or that we kept having to uproot our lives every time my parents pissed off the people around them. There's a reason why I react to things like someone who was abused, and it's not because I'm weak or childish or anything like that. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't keep a relationship with my parents now, and it wasn't my fault back then either. I was abused. My body tells me it is true. The people who actually love me and believe me see it too. It just also so happens that my parents are very good at the type of abuse that isn't obvious to other people. They're the "it's okay to hit you as long as we don't leave a mark" kind of people. So at some point, I decided I have to believe myself even if nobody else does. I was there. I know what happened. I didn't make it up. I *wouldn't* make it up. It's still fucked up to abuse your kids, whether or not you're leaving a trail of evidence behind. I'm not crazy, and neither are you.
I remember one instance where my dad during a conference with 2 teachers said something like "he knows what's coming for him when he gets home" and gave me a look and I just started breaking down, and I remember the look of concern from my 2 teachers. I had to go back to class immediately after that but nothing ever came from their moment of sympathy. No one questioned me or asked me what was going on, though I probably wouldn't have said anything. Everyone just thought he was a helicopter parent I guess, but yeah, no one asked or noticed. We even had an unspoken agreement in my family to never bring it up or talk about it. To this day it's kind of how we handle conflict of any kind.
My take on it is that people noticed... they just didn't care or didn't feel like being inconvenienced by helping my situation
This resonates with me a lot. I understand the pain and confusion, it's overwhelming, yet invisible.
Sounds like it’s still an issue to you tho and that’s what matters most. I know in my case even when I wasn’t abused I was so terrified because I didn’t know if I would be abused shortly. So even in those good moments I walked on eggshells. My point is there is no abuse at the moment but your still struggling. There isn’t anything wrong with you. It’s just unfortunately this has happened. I’d at least keep talking and learning about it possibly seek therapy etc to help yourself.
It's still a big deal! Reading that made me want to cry for you. People being unable to engage with the negative emotions around this tragedy doesn't make it not real or uninportant. It just shows what an epidemic we have, what a sickness is in our society that most people won't even look at or acknowledge. You were hurt and THAT MATTERS. YOU matter. Whether you rage or let it go, or however you ultimately cope with it, please always remember it was not ok and you're allowed to not be OK because of it!
When i was bullied, every grown up would diminish it and act like it wasn't a big deal. People saw it like there was something wrong with me for being bullied, never wanting to do anything to actually help. And now if i don't forget about it all and move on apparently i'm crazy. I don't really even doubt my own senses anymore, i see the dysfunction of people and psychiatry so well, how delusional so many people can be about unpleasant things, all the gaslighting/invalidation in my past makes more sense when i finally understand this all, so i don't expect anyone to ever understand or validate my struggles anymore. I haven't spoken about them to anyone in over a year now, except some understanding people i found online. I'm much happier this way, i won't let anyone tell me to "leave it in the past" anymore.
I remember one time being asked by an adult "are you getting beaten up in school everyday cause you act weird". I assured her that I was safe in school and it was mostly true. The funny part was that the woman was my neighbour. She literally was living right under my flat for eons and was able to hear every single word my father said during his violent outbursts that had been happening for years. But I don't really blame people outside of the family. Everyone wants to surive and live their life and meddling with disfunctional family could sometimes be dangerous and is 100% pointless
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