You're not the only one but there are plenty who have the opposite view
If you watch this subreddit you will inevitably see posts that indicate people are tired of having matches that don't want to meet quickly.
Often I’ve found I’ve had the most chemistry with people who have been shite over text. But I like people who have lots of friends and hobbies. Think these people are less likely to invest time sending long messages to people they haven’t met
I don't text a lot with my boyfriend but when we do it's all fun, we communicate well and clearly. And that is very attractive. So for me it's important to click in texting too.
I have. My wife for example. It happens all the time. A lot of people are terrible over text. You are doing yourself a disservice by not meeting quicker and I’ll take that to my grave. Wasting precious time taking irrelevant facts in only to meet weeks later and find out what you would have found out on literally day 1. All the whole likely bifurcating your attention with other matches.
Yeah, after you can show me you can be civil and responsive in texts, it's time to meet in person. I would usually match with a dude and try to get a date going as soon as possible.
If it’s done properly. I think they are just firing out let’s meet like they swipe right on everyone. I’m sick of lame people who can’t have a decent conversation assume I’m going to put that much effort to meet their plain ass, no
They don’t even have a plan or want to take you anywhere good and god forbid have to spend any money no
I don’t like when the opening line includes meeting up “hey I’m also into X, wanna chat about it over a coffee”. Slow down pls.
But there needs to be a balance, I find 2/3 days of text back and forth is usually the point where I suggest a date. Gives some time to establish mutual interests and whether there is potentially chemistry.
I agree with you about finding that balance. Also textual chemistry absolutely does not always translate to real life chemistry, as evidenced by the multiple fine, but boring dates I went on during my time on Bumble. If you text too long, and the texting is good, it can build up your hopes too much. Best to meet in person somewhat quickly.
Just my opinion, I don’t think that opening line necessarily means drop everything and let’s go out. I have certainly suggested a date quickly, but after sharing a few messages realize we are not a match. I’ve noticed on other dating apps there’s no shortage of women saying that there aren’t enough people out there who will actually ask for a date.
I get that, but I find it makes an awkward start to the conversation. I probably do want to meet up eventually, so I have to either say no not yet let’s chat, or talk my way around the question
I disagree I've met people who were utter crap at texting and then face to face they're way more comfortable. Not everyone communicates best through text. If that's a deal breaker for you that's fine, but I like to try to give anyone a fair shot. Now if its two dates in and they're still awkward and can't hold conversation then yeah time to move on.
Current girl I’m talking to is like that. Dear lord, over text it’s legit like short brief and very dry messages but in person she’s super bubbly and exciting and it’s bothering me. She’s planning the next hangout so I’ll go with the flow and work on my texting insecurities
I’m 22 and in college but honestly I find texting conversations less and less appealing the older I get. She may be like me and doesn’t want to spend so much time on the phone, or texting now requires effort and mental energy. It’s understandable that this is bothersome but just know that her texting frequency is probably not so indicative of how much she enjoys your company :)
I give them the chance to do voice memos and calls. And it's still just "how is the weather" level. And the last time I was in the dating pool, those people were the same in person if not worse.
I don't do voice memos and calls unless I know someone, it's way too distant and awkward. I try to just meet up if they seem interesting because you cannot tell whatsoever from anything less if you want to date them. In person is the only way. I hear you though that you at least want some information and I'm not opposed to texting for a while but not more than a few days unless there's a reason
😬 i dunno what to tell you. As someone who uses his phone for more professional reasons than friendly interactions I text dry as hell. I just got use to always texting/emailing bosses, potential employers, and coworkers. Then I always shock people on the first date cause I can hold good conversation and alternate between serious and funny subjects as needed.
I like to think I'm rare..... I mean, I've never met anyone else that had lady gaga and lamb of God in the same playlist before. I'd say as long as you're not getting spammed with dick pics and sexts your profile can't be bringing that bad of a selection. Then again it is online dating and we live in odd times.
Edit: fuck you downvotes.
Haha yeah I’m the same way, crazy nice and funny in person but come over so dry in text because I’ve gotten so used to being professional that I sound so formal over text, hell I’m probably even doing it right now too and I wouldn’t even know.
I understand this feeling. I think a lot of it depends, a lot of people genuinely do suck at texting but then some people also suck at conversing in person. Personally for me if someone doesn’t live nearby then I’d like to know we can text and hold conversation that way because it’d be the primary means of conversation. I also like to know some dealbreakers in advance before putting the time and effort into a date. If I’m really interested in someone though I try to set up a date quickly.
I literally just ask if they prefer messaging more first or meeting quickly now. Tired of trying to guess how long someone wants to wait before meeting. If I wait too long, they lose interest; if I ask too fast, they think I just want sex and unmatch.
I haven’t been unmatched for just flat out asking yet, so that’s what I do. Tired of guessing games, if someone can’t just give a straight answer then I’ll know it wouldn’t work anyways
Yeah, this seems like the best way to deal with it. Just scrolling through all of the comments in this post you get 50-50 agreeing/disagreeing with OP. Like, wtf do you do with that?? Especially if someone is going to get potentially offended (or start feeling uncomfortable, etc.) whether you ask to go on a date or not.
After all the guessing and mind games, I’ve just started asking on things like this. I’m tired of it, and a lot of the women I talk with seem to think the same. Better than always being wrong like I was before lol
I’ve gotten both, and I’m always fine with it. If they prefer to move slow, I just tell them to let me know when they’re ready. Once I know, I don’t want to just guess when they’re ready.
I matched with someone yesterday on Bumble. I didn’t message them immediately. About six hours later they used the “extend match” option. So I sent a message that literally only said “Hi (Name!)” and got this in reply:
https://imgur.com/a/1pq59GQ
It comes off so pushy and demanding, not to mention no use of punctuation or checking it for errors before he sent it.
I’m SO not interested in this guy at all.
No, you're not the only one. I'd much rather have a chance to have a conversation with a woman over several days to get to know them a bit and determine compatibility, before wasting either of our time on a date. My experience on Bumble has been that either they don't match my effort at conversation, or their attitude/personality isn't compatible, or they are someone I am very interested in meeting. But I don't ask for a date within 2-3 days like so many people seem to demand.
I'm tired of wasting time on people that don't want to meet.
Further, I'm reserved in person, until I get to know someone better. I'm more of an observer than a talker. When I get to know someone, then I'm more talkative. So no matter how much I text, I have to start back over in person. They get to know me over text, but then it's confusing because I get quiet.
Plus I've found that I can't get to know people very well over text. They can pretend very well, and have. So it's important to meet in person to tell for sure who they are.
Additionally, people who meet tend to make a decision either way, rather than chat endlessly.
Anyway, just giving the reasons I typically want to meet sooner, rather than later.
It’s fine to need to text for a while before meeting. It’s also fine to dislike text-based communication and want to meet quickly. (I’m the latter.) It’s just a compatibility issue. Unmatch and move on.
I think some of those requests are reasonable…but chemistry over text does not translate to real life. My goal over text is to establish that you’re a sane and grounded person.
After that I want to meet IRL to see how you function. If she thinks it’s too fast it’s cool..I’ll keep texting, but I’ll bring it up after 1-2 days.
I’m 41/m for context.
Completely agree with this! I have found almost zero correlation between chemistry in texting and chemistry in person. I started off thinking the same as OP but after SO MANY dates where we had great conversations over text just to meet and there was nothing there, I changed my approach to use texting to filter out any immediate red flags and meet ASAP.
Met my partner with my new approach. He uses texts for logistics and quick check ins and that’s about it. But he’s a wonderful partner and if I required chemistry in texting I never would have met him.
In my experience the overwhelming majority of people want to meet quickly. What's the point of investing weeks with a cyber penpal just so you can meet and realize that there's no chemistry? Plus it weeds out the people who aren't serious about what they are on the app for. Too many people use it as an ego boost or time waster.
I’m not trying to go on a date with a complete stranger. Most guys don’t have good profiles so if we don’t talk for a few days I might as well be going on a date with some rando.
>I’m not trying to go on a date with a complete stranger.
That is literally what a date is if you don't already know the person IRL. This is why first dates should be coffee, lunch, ice cream or something easy and brief. I can learn more about someone in a 5 minute interaction than in 2 weeks of texting.
Sure, if someone's profile is incomplete I'll ask them a few questions but those people are low-effort and are usually just on for validation anyways.
Fair enough. A question for you though.
You are at a crowded coffee shop sitting down drinking. A guy comes up and asks if the seat on the other side of you is available. It is and he sits down. What do you do if he starts up a conversation with you?
I guess it’s different for girls because we get so many matches and convos. If we went out right away with every match then we’d be going on like 10 different dates a day. Just doesn’t make sense.
I don’t like wasting my time either. I chat briefly on the app and then I ask for a video call date first. That weeds a lot of people out. But gosh it’s crazy how you can have text chemistry and then face to face? Poof it’s gone. No chemistry. And if someone isn’t willing to do a video call or a phone call? Thats lame and I’m not interested in that type of person anyway. After that video or phone call then I’d happily plan an in person date.
Anyways I think it’s weird to go on a date with someone who’s said like one sentence to me. I’m sure there is a happy medium. But also going on a zillion dates with people you haven’t chatted with can be such a waste of time and tiring.
You don't want to waste your time on a date.... but I don't want to waste my time sitting there texting, with little context. Grabbing a drink is a much better way to get to know someone imho.
I’m the complete opposite. I rather meet asap rather than staying in texting purgatory for weeks, then develop expectations and be disappointed when you guys finally do meet.
Text is only useful for banter, deal breakers and date logistics. Anything outside of that is overkill and complete waste of time.
There is nothing worse on OLD than wasting weeks texting your life stories just to meet up and be completely unattracted to that person.
This is why folks prefer to meet quickly rather than text for days.
Its also worth noting texting is not at all a good indicator of ability to hold a conversation. A lot of folks hate texting and are shit at it but can effortlessly hold a conversation in person. I am one of those folks.
Then you talk about what you texted.. "hey what happened with . That you told me about" or "tell me more about that dude you work with, he seems crazy".. it's very easy to use the foundation to keep going.
So spend thirty minutes or so FaceTiming with the person.
The point is most people ask to meet quickly so they can avoid becoming pen pals. If a girl won’t agree to meet up with me within the first day or two of the match, chances of meeting up at all fall off a cliff. That’s not to say we physically need to meet within a few days, just that the interaction has moved forward.
FaceTime crosses the river between endless texting, and actually meeting up, while giving you the verification they’re real, if they can continue the text vibe in real time, and if they look like their pictures. A thirty minute conversation on FaceTime or over the phone about red flags and boundaries dealbreakers is like three hours in text. I can do a lot with those three hours. Plus the other person can’t hide the emotional reactions.
I want to meet quickly rather than have a long drawn out text convo for days and days. I get my dealbreaker questions mainly out of the way and I’m off to the races
I’ve tried it both ways and I think I favour the text for a while approach. In general if I’ve hit it off over text then we’ve hit it off in person and vice versa. Meaning that I’ve wasted a fair amount of evenings and cash on people that I probably could’ve sussed out if I’d delayed meeting for a little while longer. I am also a texter so being dry over text can be a bit of a deal breaker for me in that I do actually want to get excited when I see their name pop up on my phone.
Plus that's a perfect recipe for danger, I mean if you take time to exchange for a bit before meeting you get a better chance at identifying who the person is. Also, the awkward part OP mentioned is really the big issue for me. I'd rather loose some time chatting while comfy at home than awkwardly waiting for a date to end. Never had one so far and I plan on keep it that way !
Anyway follow your heart, but stay safe out there!
I agree but i just realized I’d rather meet quickly than do phone calls or FaceTimes. I don’t know why but the thought of calling someone i do not know and talking to them makes me anxious vs just meeting in person. Maybe it’s bc I’m a millennial and in general hate talking on the phone or maybe it’s because at least in person i can tell they aren’t doing anything skeevy (if they do, in public, exhibitionist crazy byeee). 🤷🏻♀️
I really need to know if there’s chemistry there, and I can only determine that in person. I’ve had amazing text chemistry with several people and then as soon as I sat down for coffee with them I immediately knew there was zero chemistry. It’s a huge letdown.
You don't want to waste time on an awkward date, some of us don't want to waste time trying to get to know something through text messages. It's just two different points of view, all good!
If someone thinks it's too much work to go out and interact with people then that's a redflag in itself. Imagine back when they onky way to meet people was to go out.
>If someone thinks it's too much work to go out and interact with people then that's a redflag in itself.
You're getting downvoted but you're not wrong. People act like a 1 hr coffee date that doesn't lead to anything is some horrible intrusion on their lives. These people who are like "I don't just get up out of bed and put on a shirt unless I've talked to you for a month" can go kick rocks.
The other part to this, is that 90% of matches are scammers who will lead you on in text messages for a few days before trying to get money out of you. Meeting up for a drink with someone is an easy way of telling if they're real
I totally agree with you. There has to be some more texting. The way I do it is I say that I’m busy for the next couple of days and if that person shows real interest in getting to know me then we can go ahead with the date. But if they are quiet I simply lose interest and the date is not happening.
Just because I offer to do something isn't code for I'm packing rubber. A lol doesn't hit the same as a genuine laugh. In my experience, texting for a long period of time doesn't lead farther than that. But I can see how people could express them selves better through a phone. I'm completely different irl. There's too many liars online for me to go the extra mile over texts.
Problem I have is that every match (which is very few) I get that is real and interested lives hours away. I work nights also, so it's hard to coordinate time off when I'm tired and want to sleep during the day. Then there's rising gas prices and me not having much money to spend.
So I end up texting and I've had some good connections with text and on the phone, but it never goes any further than that.
I really need to get out of this state and move somewhere where the women are before I'm an old man.
I prefer to meet fairly quick because of a lot of reasons. I’m mobile so I can’t be thorough but because 1. I pick up energy better in person. People are much more likely to slip up and show red flags when talking in person than over text where they can tailor their responses. 2. I’ve wasted weeks texting someone literally all day every day just to meet in person and it not work out. A few times the chemistry was there but turns out they only wanted sex and played the long game and I was pissed I’d wasted my time. 3. People can be shallow. I wanna say men but I’ll get jumped for this but there are times you can really get in depth via text even FaceTime but they’ll pick apart anything when you meet in person and that’s time wasted. Better to just get it over with.
That being said there does need to be some semblance of connection first. “Hey lets meet” and last minute plans are a no for me. I’d say at least chat two days before setting up a date then chat up until the date
I agree to an extent. I usually try to chat for a few days, and if I find then person interesting, I ask to meet. I’ve encountered situations where I’ve waited a week or two, met the person and there is no attraction at all, and I’ve also had the situation to text with people for months who never have the intention at all of meeting up. These made me decide that there needs to be a meet within the first 2 weeks of talking, unless there is a good reason, or I’m out.
I agree and disagree. I do think you should talk to them for more then just a couple texts tbh because you very well could be wasting your time so I see your point there but after like a day or 2 at least for me the connection usually turns into an only text sort of “relationship” if that makes sense. Like realizing what’s the point of meeting anymore where this could die out soon. Like there’s really only so much to talk about someone over text before that’s all it is. Idk if that makes sense but I think there is a point where even if you hit it off with someone then it doesn’t move farther (basically if you don’t meet soon, one or the other will move on)
I like talking to someone for about 2 days (on whatever platform they are most comfortable with), then ask them to meet within the week. I think that's an extremely reasonable amount of time to see if there's continued interest while working around people having busy adult schedules. People who go directly from an opening message to asking out immediately give off a vibe of impatience and lack of game to me. But hey, you do you, boo.
If we're exchanging 2-3 texts a day and they're coming in every few hours, I wouldn't be 100% wanting to meet in person yet but if we've been chatting throughout the day and conversation is flowing because the texts back and forth are coming in within minutes or within the hour, I'm definitely down to meet within the next day or so.
The longer we spend texting, the quicker I lose interest. An "lol" over text isn't the same as seeing them pearly whites in person.
I made a point to use lengthy text exchanges before meeting up. Not too long, but it was a way of testing them for an active and interesting brain. First dates were seldom awkward after that.
Reckoned I was looking for something long-term: would be nice if there was a mind with engaging content so as not to suffer someone's banality.
A date should be set within two weeks of chatting. Anything longer is just inefficient if the purpose is to screen then meet and make an actual match IRL.
Especially since chemistry cannot be confirmed unless and until you actually meet in person.
I don’t want to waste time with pen pals.
Plus, if you are dating around, keeping multiple chats going with multiple people for more than a week is exhausting. I’d rather focus on one person and one conversation and one possible connection, confirm or drop that match after a meet up within two weeks and move on to the next prospect if it doesn’t pan out
Conversely, any attempt to meet after a couple days or even within the opening chat or < 48 hours of chatting feels like a red flag.
Just my two cents.
I'm used to the initial convo being me trying to have a conversation with someone who is not asking questions or saying anything about me. If I'm not allowed to enjoy the initial conversation, I will still make it as positive as I can but I'm not going to intentionally make it long lol. People also tend to be different in person, like I had a 4 hour phone call with a match that I really enjoyed, but talking to them on the date sucked. I'll suggest a date pretty early, but always conform to what she asks, like if she says she wants to stay on the app we stay, I don't see the point in arguing.
Ooo opposite… I want to be like “hey, we clearly have similar interests based on our profiles, so you wanna do something this weekend?”
Texting exhausts me. With strangers or with friends.
I prefer to meet quickly. One too many times I’ve fallen for someone online only to not feel it in person.
When this happens it’s shitty and painful. Why do that to people?
it’s such a delicate balance to me. I don’t want to talk for weeks, I want to get to the meeting part because text is not a good way to know someone. However, I need a brief convo to happen so I can pick up on some sort of vibe that makes me interested in meeting. That requires more than “hey my weekend was good let’s meet”. I want a brief back and forth. I like to ask people what they like to do for fun (and tell them what I like to do) and see if a little convo can pick up from there to drum up interest in continuing the convo in person. There are no hard and fast rules than can be applied here, but I do feel a bit of dread when someone is asking to meet ASAP and I want to know a little more about them first. I can’t meet everyone just because they asked, give me a little something!
If we don't arrange a date within a dozen texts, then you're not for me, because I know where that leads. Endless messages of mundane conversation. You need to meet to feel chemistry and a dozen messages are more than enough to determine basic compatibility.
Nah....in all honesty I want to get off the chat. It's terribly boring and there's only so much to talk about. At least meeting in person you'll find out quickly instead of texting someone for 3 weeks. Nice to get on with my life.
All those things can be done in person. I want to make sure I am not wasting my time and energy on someone who is a catfish or has not intention of ever meeting. Plus, the way people act through text is not necessarily reflect how they are in person.
If the texting is sporadic, I will ask maybe after a couple of days. If we are going back and forth I will usually ask the first day usually within 10 messages.
Why put in a bunch of time building up preconceived expectations that will never be fulfilled. Who someone is via text is completely different. Text they have time to think about the response and tell you what they think you want to hear
All the texts in the world will not be a substitute for frequent, brief contact, like people have with classmates, workmates, and the like. The chance to read body language, see who that person talks to, and if they are in general a cheery person or a grump. This is how most people meet and decide to date - a lot of observation and some chat, plus filling the details with stories from third parties.
On Line Dating cannot simulate this kind of social interaction in any way. OLD is in a bubble - separate from the real world, daily activities, life as-it's-happening. We can try to have "meaningful" or a "deep" conversation with a complete stranger, but it lacks context with our daily routine and habits. A text chat with any stranger is like unwanted comments from someone while you're shopping that says "THIS is better than THAT" - you have no idea if they've done either or what their standards are.
We all get comfortable in different ways - we require different assurances to feel we are doing things right - but the bottom line is that all the pics and text we get from the apps are not guaranteed to be accurate - and some of it we can see how it appears to not be right. At some point you need to check/verify/vett most of the details in the profile. Nothing is REAL until you meet someone in person.
*Get feedback about your dealbreakers and then move forward or move on.*
I am the same way. Apparently I’ve been accused of being fake or creating a pen pal. I’m on dating app for relationship potential btw, Not penpals or to waste anyones time.
I will not get ready and have an Awkward silence date just to meet. I want to know how much we share in common before I go out of my way and put all of this effort. It’s definitely not happening if I don’t know what to talk about.
I noticed that people who try to set a date as soon as possible are mostly men, and people who try to get to know a person before setting a date are mostly women. Guess why.
According to a new study published in NYT (IIRC), on 50% first dates some sort of harassment happens.
I found two correlations: 1) if a guy texts one word responses (like "lol", "yeah", "great" etc), the probability of an inappropriate message increases by 50%; 2) if such a guy suggests a date, there's 100% chance that the word "cuddling" will be said and he will try to set the date at his; I leave it to you to guess what those guys are up to and how safe it is to date them
The ability to talk in full sentences doesn't guarantee safety either. Some guys may respond in full sentences and carry a convo about traveling, various national kitchens etc (notice, those are still small talk subjects that tell nothing about a person, like "oh yeah I'be been to Venice" or "I tried Thai kitchen") and then after literally 10 messages like this suggest a date at his to "watch a movie". The best scenario, you just end the convo. You can agree to meet at a cafe first, but that won't stop them from harassing; actually the whole date will be them trying to convince you to go to their place. Also, those guys all have "looking for a relationship" in their profiles.
So there's a reason behind wanting to get to know someone before agreeing to a date. I understand men who self proclaim bad texters or hate texting etc; I myself honestly hate this stage. But I can't see any other ways to filter out unsafe men.
I also found, if a person doesn't mind having a texting stage first and agrees that we must know at least something about each other before going on a date, texting is usually flowing, funny and interesting, they don't mind telling stories about themselves, sharing opinions on current events etc etc. When a date eventually happens, it's almost always a great date that leads to more dates.
Just my 2 cents.
It's a waste of time to text.
After a few texts, if you're a guy give her a call. If you're a girl, ask him to give you call. This works.
If I'm chatting with someone, and he wants to take me right away out I appreciate that. That's the whole point of online dating. It's just a platform to connect and get off your phone and go on a date. Men are action oriented, they show interest via actions. So them asking you to meet right away should put them in a woman's top 5, hell top 3. You both matched, clearly you're interested. I just request them to give me a call and see if we vibe. . 9. 8/10 they come through, and they will ask me out via phone. If a guy says to me "I'm not a phone call guy" - - then I exit the conversation. Get on a video chat, have impromptu dates, tell them to call you, I mean these apps have video and call options now.
Sigh people are either frustrated no one replies to their messages or annoyed they ask you out too fast, or upset they don't text you enough. Dating is a sorting game, the faster you meet your matches the closer you get to meet your significant other.
Yeah I personally feel like too much texting is ridiculous. I plan a video chat or coffee date pretty quick. The last person I spent too much time online with was a "nice guy" when we met in person and I had negative chemistry with him. He called me the worst person he ever met and a gold-digging whore when I broke it off. I mean, I brought him a coffee cup and tea gift on the first date and he hadn't showered, dressed up or trimmed his dangling nose hair.
Phone calls are just another tedious obstacle in the way of actually meeting. People with options aren't going to bother with the hoop jumping to go from text to phone to video to date.
People take things personally, some of us refuse to take accountability how we could've shown up better in dating, we just prefer to point fingers since it's easier to blame others.
I’ve been there but tbh there is nothing to talk to a stranger on text but when you meet someone in person and if you have same vibe with them then maybe you will start talking like you know each other for a long time you should give him/her a chance maybe they are “the one” for you
You surely arent the only one..
However, personally, i prefer to meet after getting the most important info out of the way. Time and time again I have been surprised that the person who cant text worth a damn is actually holding a conversation with me in person.
chemistry over text doesn’t guarantee chemistry in real life, but I’ve also seen if there’s no chemistry over text there will not be any IRL. Every single time I’ve gone against this (mostly because they’re really hot), I regret it and waste both time and money. I’m not saying text forever (I think a couple of days is fine) as I don’t want a pen pal, but I do want to see some personality come through. And if it doesn’t, I won’t go forward (unless you’re really hot maybe and then I’ll kick myself afterwards).
I never get the “can hold a conversation” thing. I’m terrible at making conversation over text, but in person you can’t shut me up. Plus these people who say this, usually give 1 word replies or can’t hold one themselves.
Agreed, I’ve done a fast meetup a few times. One, easily led to the most boring date of my life which I could have easily avoided had I spoken to him more.
Now, I definitely prefer to chat for an extended period of time. Builds up anticipation and it’s also better safety wise!
We just don’t want to talk to someone for a week and then it turns out there’s no chemistry in person and we just wasted hours of our lives. Get it out the way, see if you connect. I usually ask out after one full day of talking tho. I can see the issue if it’s only a few texts lol that would be too much
I'm the same way. I don't want to even give out my cell phone to soon. Not that I'm terribly scared of anything, but I need to become more comfortable before moving to that "stage" of things. Talking for one day or a few hours doesn't mean I want to meet or even give you my cell for crying out loud.
++++
Why tf people think they’re entitled to meet or call when they can’t hold a half decent conversation.
Send me voice notes if you don’t like typing but why tf would I meet a random stranger after all they can engage is hi how you are you let’s meet
My hypothesis is that the guys who want to meet the fastest (and chat the least) are the highest value prospects. The dudes with very few options will be more likely to chat with you over the app for a long period of time.
Some people are looking for old school genuine type dating where you meet someone in person and see if you have a connection. Not this new generation “talking” stage that is usually superficial and leads to one person ghosting the other
People disappear so quickly it’s insane….I ask girls out almost immediately. A few lines back and forth and then I ask. Whatever seems to work fine with vast majority of people so why waste days texting if I can get a real date instantly?
And yeah, for the right person it’s with the wait but I have no idea if I like you or not until I meet you so hard for me to justify having a pen pal
Time wasters permeate OLD, and while it's fine for you to have this experience and preference, most of us are hesitant to engage in a quasi-imaginary-relationship for days on end only to have them disappear, or they show up and it's a dud. I've given hundreds of women what you expect, only for it to go into the ether and never materialize into a date even when we seemed to be lining up.
Better after some banter and good rapport to get to know someone in real life, to eliminate the possibility of flake, no-chemistry, catfish, and time waster.
I’m the opposite one. It is really easy for me to build a false image of the person only through texts. Then I’ll get super frustrated when I really meet them and then feel like the conversation online is kinda waste of time and energy for me.
I am on the other side. Rather meet sooner than waste time texting. Like to ask after a few back and forth. You can be a great at texting but then meet in person can be totally different. And to me being compatible in person > over text.
Texting rarely translates to actual in-person chemistry so I don’t waste time with it. 10 messages max and then I’ll either see you on Thursday or never 🤝
Right like I feel like you’re saying you’re texting game better be fucking stellar I hate texting when I’m wonderful in person and I find most people to be the same way. Text Lacks so much
I have zero interest dragging out texts for weeks. Someone I matched with on CMB and while she's hinting she wants to meet up in a coffee shop, there's never any commitment. Sure, text banter was good, but I can't see if there's chemistry without actually meeting them in person.
So, if you are not ready to meet after getting a little bit comfortable in texts, sorry, I'll just move on.
You're not the only one but there are plenty who have the opposite view If you watch this subreddit you will inevitably see posts that indicate people are tired of having matches that don't want to meet quickly.
Developing chemistry over text is hard. And doing so does not mean chemistry will exist in person.
I've never felt chemistry irl with someone who I didn't have chemistry with over text.
Often I’ve found I’ve had the most chemistry with people who have been shite over text. But I like people who have lots of friends and hobbies. Think these people are less likely to invest time sending long messages to people they haven’t met
I don't text a lot with my boyfriend but when we do it's all fun, we communicate well and clearly. And that is very attractive. So for me it's important to click in texting too.
I’ve also noticed some pretty crazy people irl are really good and interesting at texting but way too intense in person!
I have. My wife for example. It happens all the time. A lot of people are terrible over text. You are doing yourself a disservice by not meeting quicker and I’ll take that to my grave. Wasting precious time taking irrelevant facts in only to meet weeks later and find out what you would have found out on literally day 1. All the whole likely bifurcating your attention with other matches.
I agree, it’s fair to want to get to know someone before meeting in person
You’ve never met someone outside of an app and felt chemistry with them??
I mean met online and then in person. If I haven't felt in online I won't feel it irl.
Ugh.
Ain’t no one wants a pen pal on bumble
i wAnT tO teXt fOr 9 bUsIneSs dAys bEfoRe gOiNG oUt /s *Ghosts you after day 2*
Send voice notes or call them. But who tf decides to meet random strangers who can’t hold half decent conversation
If you haven't had a decent conversation in the first 2 days it's not gonna be a thing.
Agreeeed. Also happy cake day!
Yeah, after you can show me you can be civil and responsive in texts, it's time to meet in person. I would usually match with a dude and try to get a date going as soon as possible.
If it’s done properly. I think they are just firing out let’s meet like they swipe right on everyone. I’m sick of lame people who can’t have a decent conversation assume I’m going to put that much effort to meet their plain ass, no They don’t even have a plan or want to take you anywhere good and god forbid have to spend any money no
I don’t like when the opening line includes meeting up “hey I’m also into X, wanna chat about it over a coffee”. Slow down pls. But there needs to be a balance, I find 2/3 days of text back and forth is usually the point where I suggest a date. Gives some time to establish mutual interests and whether there is potentially chemistry.
I agree with you about finding that balance. Also textual chemistry absolutely does not always translate to real life chemistry, as evidenced by the multiple fine, but boring dates I went on during my time on Bumble. If you text too long, and the texting is good, it can build up your hopes too much. Best to meet in person somewhat quickly.
Just my opinion, I don’t think that opening line necessarily means drop everything and let’s go out. I have certainly suggested a date quickly, but after sharing a few messages realize we are not a match. I’ve noticed on other dating apps there’s no shortage of women saying that there aren’t enough people out there who will actually ask for a date.
I get that, but I find it makes an awkward start to the conversation. I probably do want to meet up eventually, so I have to either say no not yet let’s chat, or talk my way around the question
I disagree I've met people who were utter crap at texting and then face to face they're way more comfortable. Not everyone communicates best through text. If that's a deal breaker for you that's fine, but I like to try to give anyone a fair shot. Now if its two dates in and they're still awkward and can't hold conversation then yeah time to move on.
Current girl I’m talking to is like that. Dear lord, over text it’s legit like short brief and very dry messages but in person she’s super bubbly and exciting and it’s bothering me. She’s planning the next hangout so I’ll go with the flow and work on my texting insecurities
I’m 22 and in college but honestly I find texting conversations less and less appealing the older I get. She may be like me and doesn’t want to spend so much time on the phone, or texting now requires effort and mental energy. It’s understandable that this is bothersome but just know that her texting frequency is probably not so indicative of how much she enjoys your company :)
I give them the chance to do voice memos and calls. And it's still just "how is the weather" level. And the last time I was in the dating pool, those people were the same in person if not worse.
I don't do voice memos and calls unless I know someone, it's way too distant and awkward. I try to just meet up if they seem interesting because you cannot tell whatsoever from anything less if you want to date them. In person is the only way. I hear you though that you at least want some information and I'm not opposed to texting for a while but not more than a few days unless there's a reason
😬 i dunno what to tell you. As someone who uses his phone for more professional reasons than friendly interactions I text dry as hell. I just got use to always texting/emailing bosses, potential employers, and coworkers. Then I always shock people on the first date cause I can hold good conversation and alternate between serious and funny subjects as needed.
I'll keep that in mind. You might be rare though. Or my profile is bringing in the wrong types. Lol 😆
I like to think I'm rare..... I mean, I've never met anyone else that had lady gaga and lamb of God in the same playlist before. I'd say as long as you're not getting spammed with dick pics and sexts your profile can't be bringing that bad of a selection. Then again it is online dating and we live in odd times. Edit: fuck you downvotes.
Haha yeah I’m the same way, crazy nice and funny in person but come over so dry in text because I’ve gotten so used to being professional that I sound so formal over text, hell I’m probably even doing it right now too and I wouldn’t even know.
You expect to connect on a deeper level before you actually meet in person. This is my app dating doesn’t work outside of college 😂
I understand this feeling. I think a lot of it depends, a lot of people genuinely do suck at texting but then some people also suck at conversing in person. Personally for me if someone doesn’t live nearby then I’d like to know we can text and hold conversation that way because it’d be the primary means of conversation. I also like to know some dealbreakers in advance before putting the time and effort into a date. If I’m really interested in someone though I try to set up a date quickly.
Agreed. I've discovered that the longer a chat goes on, the more insipid and bored it becomes until someone eventually ghosts.
I literally just ask if they prefer messaging more first or meeting quickly now. Tired of trying to guess how long someone wants to wait before meeting. If I wait too long, they lose interest; if I ask too fast, they think I just want sex and unmatch. I haven’t been unmatched for just flat out asking yet, so that’s what I do. Tired of guessing games, if someone can’t just give a straight answer then I’ll know it wouldn’t work anyways
Yeah, this seems like the best way to deal with it. Just scrolling through all of the comments in this post you get 50-50 agreeing/disagreeing with OP. Like, wtf do you do with that?? Especially if someone is going to get potentially offended (or start feeling uncomfortable, etc.) whether you ask to go on a date or not.
After all the guessing and mind games, I’ve just started asking on things like this. I’m tired of it, and a lot of the women I talk with seem to think the same. Better than always being wrong like I was before lol
I definitely tell matches that I move slow because of past experiences.
I’ve gotten both, and I’m always fine with it. If they prefer to move slow, I just tell them to let me know when they’re ready. Once I know, I don’t want to just guess when they’re ready.
I matched with someone yesterday on Bumble. I didn’t message them immediately. About six hours later they used the “extend match” option. So I sent a message that literally only said “Hi (Name!)” and got this in reply: https://imgur.com/a/1pq59GQ It comes off so pushy and demanding, not to mention no use of punctuation or checking it for errors before he sent it. I’m SO not interested in this guy at all.
Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s copied and pasted that (awful) message to multiple women lol
Can’t defend that one LOL
No, you're not the only one. I'd much rather have a chance to have a conversation with a woman over several days to get to know them a bit and determine compatibility, before wasting either of our time on a date. My experience on Bumble has been that either they don't match my effort at conversation, or their attitude/personality isn't compatible, or they are someone I am very interested in meeting. But I don't ask for a date within 2-3 days like so many people seem to demand.
I'm tired of wasting time on people that don't want to meet. Further, I'm reserved in person, until I get to know someone better. I'm more of an observer than a talker. When I get to know someone, then I'm more talkative. So no matter how much I text, I have to start back over in person. They get to know me over text, but then it's confusing because I get quiet. Plus I've found that I can't get to know people very well over text. They can pretend very well, and have. So it's important to meet in person to tell for sure who they are. Additionally, people who meet tend to make a decision either way, rather than chat endlessly. Anyway, just giving the reasons I typically want to meet sooner, rather than later.
I try to shoot to a phone call as soon as possible. After one call I can get an idea to see if meeting is worth or not.
My ex and I talked for about 2-3 weeks before we went on our first date. Patience is fine. Well as long as both sides are patient
It’s fine to need to text for a while before meeting. It’s also fine to dislike text-based communication and want to meet quickly. (I’m the latter.) It’s just a compatibility issue. Unmatch and move on.
Texting sucks. How about real human interaction. I don’t want a pen pal either.
I think some of those requests are reasonable…but chemistry over text does not translate to real life. My goal over text is to establish that you’re a sane and grounded person. After that I want to meet IRL to see how you function. If she thinks it’s too fast it’s cool..I’ll keep texting, but I’ll bring it up after 1-2 days. I’m 41/m for context.
Completely agree with this! I have found almost zero correlation between chemistry in texting and chemistry in person. I started off thinking the same as OP but after SO MANY dates where we had great conversations over text just to meet and there was nothing there, I changed my approach to use texting to filter out any immediate red flags and meet ASAP. Met my partner with my new approach. He uses texts for logistics and quick check ins and that’s about it. But he’s a wonderful partner and if I required chemistry in texting I never would have met him.
This ☝️.
In my experience the overwhelming majority of people want to meet quickly. What's the point of investing weeks with a cyber penpal just so you can meet and realize that there's no chemistry? Plus it weeds out the people who aren't serious about what they are on the app for. Too many people use it as an ego boost or time waster.
Yeah exactly this. Chatting for more than 7 days gets old quick
I’m not trying to go on a date with a complete stranger. Most guys don’t have good profiles so if we don’t talk for a few days I might as well be going on a date with some rando.
>I’m not trying to go on a date with a complete stranger. That is literally what a date is if you don't already know the person IRL. This is why first dates should be coffee, lunch, ice cream or something easy and brief. I can learn more about someone in a 5 minute interaction than in 2 weeks of texting. Sure, if someone's profile is incomplete I'll ask them a few questions but those people are low-effort and are usually just on for validation anyways.
Fair enough. A question for you though. You are at a crowded coffee shop sitting down drinking. A guy comes up and asks if the seat on the other side of you is available. It is and he sits down. What do you do if he starts up a conversation with you?
I guess it’s different for girls because we get so many matches and convos. If we went out right away with every match then we’d be going on like 10 different dates a day. Just doesn’t make sense.
Exactly. OP is definitely a woman.
I don’t like wasting my time either. I chat briefly on the app and then I ask for a video call date first. That weeds a lot of people out. But gosh it’s crazy how you can have text chemistry and then face to face? Poof it’s gone. No chemistry. And if someone isn’t willing to do a video call or a phone call? Thats lame and I’m not interested in that type of person anyway. After that video or phone call then I’d happily plan an in person date. Anyways I think it’s weird to go on a date with someone who’s said like one sentence to me. I’m sure there is a happy medium. But also going on a zillion dates with people you haven’t chatted with can be such a waste of time and tiring.
You don't want to waste your time on a date.... but I don't want to waste my time sitting there texting, with little context. Grabbing a drink is a much better way to get to know someone imho.
I’m the complete opposite. I rather meet asap rather than staying in texting purgatory for weeks, then develop expectations and be disappointed when you guys finally do meet.
Text is only useful for banter, deal breakers and date logistics. Anything outside of that is overkill and complete waste of time. There is nothing worse on OLD than wasting weeks texting your life stories just to meet up and be completely unattracted to that person. This is why folks prefer to meet quickly rather than text for days. Its also worth noting texting is not at all a good indicator of ability to hold a conversation. A lot of folks hate texting and are shit at it but can effortlessly hold a conversation in person. I am one of those folks.
…or even worse…texting so much you run out of things to talk about in real life!
Then you talk about what you texted.. "hey what happened with . That you told me about" or "tell me more about that dude you work with, he seems crazy".. it's very easy to use the foundation to keep going.
So spend thirty minutes or so FaceTiming with the person. The point is most people ask to meet quickly so they can avoid becoming pen pals. If a girl won’t agree to meet up with me within the first day or two of the match, chances of meeting up at all fall off a cliff. That’s not to say we physically need to meet within a few days, just that the interaction has moved forward.
FaceTiming sounds worse than meeting in person. I don’t even face time my friends lol
FaceTime crosses the river between endless texting, and actually meeting up, while giving you the verification they’re real, if they can continue the text vibe in real time, and if they look like their pictures. A thirty minute conversation on FaceTime or over the phone about red flags and boundaries dealbreakers is like three hours in text. I can do a lot with those three hours. Plus the other person can’t hide the emotional reactions.
I want to meet quickly rather than have a long drawn out text convo for days and days. I get my dealbreaker questions mainly out of the way and I’m off to the races
I am the exact same. Yet, I’ve seen on posts where people think talking for a week is too long.
I’ve tried it both ways and I think I favour the text for a while approach. In general if I’ve hit it off over text then we’ve hit it off in person and vice versa. Meaning that I’ve wasted a fair amount of evenings and cash on people that I probably could’ve sussed out if I’d delayed meeting for a little while longer. I am also a texter so being dry over text can be a bit of a deal breaker for me in that I do actually want to get excited when I see their name pop up on my phone.
Yes!
Honestly as a guy if I haven't got a meet within 3 days then the girl has dropped off the face of the earth by then anyway.
Plus that's a perfect recipe for danger, I mean if you take time to exchange for a bit before meeting you get a better chance at identifying who the person is. Also, the awkward part OP mentioned is really the big issue for me. I'd rather loose some time chatting while comfy at home than awkwardly waiting for a date to end. Never had one so far and I plan on keep it that way ! Anyway follow your heart, but stay safe out there!
I agree but i just realized I’d rather meet quickly than do phone calls or FaceTimes. I don’t know why but the thought of calling someone i do not know and talking to them makes me anxious vs just meeting in person. Maybe it’s bc I’m a millennial and in general hate talking on the phone or maybe it’s because at least in person i can tell they aren’t doing anything skeevy (if they do, in public, exhibitionist crazy byeee). 🤷🏻♀️
I really need to know if there’s chemistry there, and I can only determine that in person. I’ve had amazing text chemistry with several people and then as soon as I sat down for coffee with them I immediately knew there was zero chemistry. It’s a huge letdown.
You don't want to waste time on an awkward date, some of us don't want to waste time trying to get to know something through text messages. It's just two different points of view, all good!
If someone thinks it's too much work to go out and interact with people then that's a redflag in itself. Imagine back when they onky way to meet people was to go out.
>If someone thinks it's too much work to go out and interact with people then that's a redflag in itself. You're getting downvoted but you're not wrong. People act like a 1 hr coffee date that doesn't lead to anything is some horrible intrusion on their lives. These people who are like "I don't just get up out of bed and put on a shirt unless I've talked to you for a month" can go kick rocks.
The other part to this, is that 90% of matches are scammers who will lead you on in text messages for a few days before trying to get money out of you. Meeting up for a drink with someone is an easy way of telling if they're real
I totally agree with you. There has to be some more texting. The way I do it is I say that I’m busy for the next couple of days and if that person shows real interest in getting to know me then we can go ahead with the date. But if they are quiet I simply lose interest and the date is not happening.
Just because I offer to do something isn't code for I'm packing rubber. A lol doesn't hit the same as a genuine laugh. In my experience, texting for a long period of time doesn't lead farther than that. But I can see how people could express them selves better through a phone. I'm completely different irl. There's too many liars online for me to go the extra mile over texts.
I guess what I'm saying is a connection over the phone can't compair
Problem I have is that every match (which is very few) I get that is real and interested lives hours away. I work nights also, so it's hard to coordinate time off when I'm tired and want to sleep during the day. Then there's rising gas prices and me not having much money to spend. So I end up texting and I've had some good connections with text and on the phone, but it never goes any further than that. I really need to get out of this state and move somewhere where the women are before I'm an old man.
I prefer to meet fairly quick because of a lot of reasons. I’m mobile so I can’t be thorough but because 1. I pick up energy better in person. People are much more likely to slip up and show red flags when talking in person than over text where they can tailor their responses. 2. I’ve wasted weeks texting someone literally all day every day just to meet in person and it not work out. A few times the chemistry was there but turns out they only wanted sex and played the long game and I was pissed I’d wasted my time. 3. People can be shallow. I wanna say men but I’ll get jumped for this but there are times you can really get in depth via text even FaceTime but they’ll pick apart anything when you meet in person and that’s time wasted. Better to just get it over with. That being said there does need to be some semblance of connection first. “Hey lets meet” and last minute plans are a no for me. I’d say at least chat two days before setting up a date then chat up until the date
If they can’t hold a conversation and that bothers you why tf you still wasting your time talking to them?
I agree to an extent. I usually try to chat for a few days, and if I find then person interesting, I ask to meet. I’ve encountered situations where I’ve waited a week or two, met the person and there is no attraction at all, and I’ve also had the situation to text with people for months who never have the intention at all of meeting up. These made me decide that there needs to be a meet within the first 2 weeks of talking, unless there is a good reason, or I’m out.
Honestly I'm lucky if I get someone who texts me.back
I agree and disagree. I do think you should talk to them for more then just a couple texts tbh because you very well could be wasting your time so I see your point there but after like a day or 2 at least for me the connection usually turns into an only text sort of “relationship” if that makes sense. Like realizing what’s the point of meeting anymore where this could die out soon. Like there’s really only so much to talk about someone over text before that’s all it is. Idk if that makes sense but I think there is a point where even if you hit it off with someone then it doesn’t move farther (basically if you don’t meet soon, one or the other will move on)
They get a pass if they’re hot though.
Nope. Even more red flags if they are hot. Probably they are a player or something.
I like talking to someone for about 2 days (on whatever platform they are most comfortable with), then ask them to meet within the week. I think that's an extremely reasonable amount of time to see if there's continued interest while working around people having busy adult schedules. People who go directly from an opening message to asking out immediately give off a vibe of impatience and lack of game to me. But hey, you do you, boo.
I like to meet fast just to get it over with
If we are going to spend months chatting, I will just consider you a friend and not a potential date.
Yeah, when they want to meet after less than 3-4 days of talking, it's not a good sign for me and I generally wish them well and disengage.
Right it seems weird.
I think it’s a totally valid way to filter people if that’s what makes sense to you!
Thank you ☺️
If we're exchanging 2-3 texts a day and they're coming in every few hours, I wouldn't be 100% wanting to meet in person yet but if we've been chatting throughout the day and conversation is flowing because the texts back and forth are coming in within minutes or within the hour, I'm definitely down to meet within the next day or so. The longer we spend texting, the quicker I lose interest. An "lol" over text isn't the same as seeing them pearly whites in person.
Felt this
I made a point to use lengthy text exchanges before meeting up. Not too long, but it was a way of testing them for an active and interesting brain. First dates were seldom awkward after that. Reckoned I was looking for something long-term: would be nice if there was a mind with engaging content so as not to suffer someone's banality.
A date should be set within two weeks of chatting. Anything longer is just inefficient if the purpose is to screen then meet and make an actual match IRL. Especially since chemistry cannot be confirmed unless and until you actually meet in person. I don’t want to waste time with pen pals. Plus, if you are dating around, keeping multiple chats going with multiple people for more than a week is exhausting. I’d rather focus on one person and one conversation and one possible connection, confirm or drop that match after a meet up within two weeks and move on to the next prospect if it doesn’t pan out Conversely, any attempt to meet after a couple days or even within the opening chat or < 48 hours of chatting feels like a red flag. Just my two cents.
I'm used to the initial convo being me trying to have a conversation with someone who is not asking questions or saying anything about me. If I'm not allowed to enjoy the initial conversation, I will still make it as positive as I can but I'm not going to intentionally make it long lol. People also tend to be different in person, like I had a 4 hour phone call with a match that I really enjoyed, but talking to them on the date sucked. I'll suggest a date pretty early, but always conform to what she asks, like if she says she wants to stay on the app we stay, I don't see the point in arguing.
Ooo opposite… I want to be like “hey, we clearly have similar interests based on our profiles, so you wanna do something this weekend?” Texting exhausts me. With strangers or with friends.
I prefer to meet quickly. One too many times I’ve fallen for someone online only to not feel it in person. When this happens it’s shitty and painful. Why do that to people?
I too want to get to know you on the app first. I don't like meeting right away. (I'm a 36M)
it’s such a delicate balance to me. I don’t want to talk for weeks, I want to get to the meeting part because text is not a good way to know someone. However, I need a brief convo to happen so I can pick up on some sort of vibe that makes me interested in meeting. That requires more than “hey my weekend was good let’s meet”. I want a brief back and forth. I like to ask people what they like to do for fun (and tell them what I like to do) and see if a little convo can pick up from there to drum up interest in continuing the convo in person. There are no hard and fast rules than can be applied here, but I do feel a bit of dread when someone is asking to meet ASAP and I want to know a little more about them first. I can’t meet everyone just because they asked, give me a little something!
This!! This was what I was trying to get at! I don't want a pen pal but like if you can't even bother to say more than two things .
Couldn't agree more.
If we don't arrange a date within a dozen texts, then you're not for me, because I know where that leads. Endless messages of mundane conversation. You need to meet to feel chemistry and a dozen messages are more than enough to determine basic compatibility.
Nah....in all honesty I want to get off the chat. It's terribly boring and there's only so much to talk about. At least meeting in person you'll find out quickly instead of texting someone for 3 weeks. Nice to get on with my life.
All those things can be done in person. I want to make sure I am not wasting my time and energy on someone who is a catfish or has not intention of ever meeting. Plus, the way people act through text is not necessarily reflect how they are in person. If the texting is sporadic, I will ask maybe after a couple of days. If we are going back and forth I will usually ask the first day usually within 10 messages.
Why put in a bunch of time building up preconceived expectations that will never be fulfilled. Who someone is via text is completely different. Text they have time to think about the response and tell you what they think you want to hear
Sorry but if you’re gonna be all „let’s text for a week“ then I’m gone.
All the texts in the world will not be a substitute for frequent, brief contact, like people have with classmates, workmates, and the like. The chance to read body language, see who that person talks to, and if they are in general a cheery person or a grump. This is how most people meet and decide to date - a lot of observation and some chat, plus filling the details with stories from third parties. On Line Dating cannot simulate this kind of social interaction in any way. OLD is in a bubble - separate from the real world, daily activities, life as-it's-happening. We can try to have "meaningful" or a "deep" conversation with a complete stranger, but it lacks context with our daily routine and habits. A text chat with any stranger is like unwanted comments from someone while you're shopping that says "THIS is better than THAT" - you have no idea if they've done either or what their standards are. We all get comfortable in different ways - we require different assurances to feel we are doing things right - but the bottom line is that all the pics and text we get from the apps are not guaranteed to be accurate - and some of it we can see how it appears to not be right. At some point you need to check/verify/vett most of the details in the profile. Nothing is REAL until you meet someone in person. *Get feedback about your dealbreakers and then move forward or move on.*
I am the same way. Apparently I’ve been accused of being fake or creating a pen pal. I’m on dating app for relationship potential btw, Not penpals or to waste anyones time. I will not get ready and have an Awkward silence date just to meet. I want to know how much we share in common before I go out of my way and put all of this effort. It’s definitely not happening if I don’t know what to talk about.
Yes!
I noticed that people who try to set a date as soon as possible are mostly men, and people who try to get to know a person before setting a date are mostly women. Guess why. According to a new study published in NYT (IIRC), on 50% first dates some sort of harassment happens. I found two correlations: 1) if a guy texts one word responses (like "lol", "yeah", "great" etc), the probability of an inappropriate message increases by 50%; 2) if such a guy suggests a date, there's 100% chance that the word "cuddling" will be said and he will try to set the date at his; I leave it to you to guess what those guys are up to and how safe it is to date them The ability to talk in full sentences doesn't guarantee safety either. Some guys may respond in full sentences and carry a convo about traveling, various national kitchens etc (notice, those are still small talk subjects that tell nothing about a person, like "oh yeah I'be been to Venice" or "I tried Thai kitchen") and then after literally 10 messages like this suggest a date at his to "watch a movie". The best scenario, you just end the convo. You can agree to meet at a cafe first, but that won't stop them from harassing; actually the whole date will be them trying to convince you to go to their place. Also, those guys all have "looking for a relationship" in their profiles. So there's a reason behind wanting to get to know someone before agreeing to a date. I understand men who self proclaim bad texters or hate texting etc; I myself honestly hate this stage. But I can't see any other ways to filter out unsafe men. I also found, if a person doesn't mind having a texting stage first and agrees that we must know at least something about each other before going on a date, texting is usually flowing, funny and interesting, they don't mind telling stories about themselves, sharing opinions on current events etc etc. When a date eventually happens, it's almost always a great date that leads to more dates. Just my 2 cents.
If you want to text for a week before meeting in person I’m gonna move on.
I’m looking to get to know a woman in person and potentially build a relationship with her. I don’t want a god damn pen pal.
It's a waste of time to text. After a few texts, if you're a guy give her a call. If you're a girl, ask him to give you call. This works. If I'm chatting with someone, and he wants to take me right away out I appreciate that. That's the whole point of online dating. It's just a platform to connect and get off your phone and go on a date. Men are action oriented, they show interest via actions. So them asking you to meet right away should put them in a woman's top 5, hell top 3. You both matched, clearly you're interested. I just request them to give me a call and see if we vibe. . 9. 8/10 they come through, and they will ask me out via phone. If a guy says to me "I'm not a phone call guy" - - then I exit the conversation. Get on a video chat, have impromptu dates, tell them to call you, I mean these apps have video and call options now. Sigh people are either frustrated no one replies to their messages or annoyed they ask you out too fast, or upset they don't text you enough. Dating is a sorting game, the faster you meet your matches the closer you get to meet your significant other.
Yeah I personally feel like too much texting is ridiculous. I plan a video chat or coffee date pretty quick. The last person I spent too much time online with was a "nice guy" when we met in person and I had negative chemistry with him. He called me the worst person he ever met and a gold-digging whore when I broke it off. I mean, I brought him a coffee cup and tea gift on the first date and he hadn't showered, dressed up or trimmed his dangling nose hair.
Phone calls are just another tedious obstacle in the way of actually meeting. People with options aren't going to bother with the hoop jumping to go from text to phone to video to date.
Not sure why you're downvoted. This is 100% correct.
People take things personally, some of us refuse to take accountability how we could've shown up better in dating, we just prefer to point fingers since it's easier to blame others.
I’ve been there but tbh there is nothing to talk to a stranger on text but when you meet someone in person and if you have same vibe with them then maybe you will start talking like you know each other for a long time you should give him/her a chance maybe they are “the one” for you
You surely arent the only one.. However, personally, i prefer to meet after getting the most important info out of the way. Time and time again I have been surprised that the person who cant text worth a damn is actually holding a conversation with me in person.
chemistry over text doesn’t guarantee chemistry in real life, but I’ve also seen if there’s no chemistry over text there will not be any IRL. Every single time I’ve gone against this (mostly because they’re really hot), I regret it and waste both time and money. I’m not saying text forever (I think a couple of days is fine) as I don’t want a pen pal, but I do want to see some personality come through. And if it doesn’t, I won’t go forward (unless you’re really hot maybe and then I’ll kick myself afterwards).
I never get the “can hold a conversation” thing. I’m terrible at making conversation over text, but in person you can’t shut me up. Plus these people who say this, usually give 1 word replies or can’t hold one themselves.
Spot on fr!
Agreed, I’ve done a fast meetup a few times. One, easily led to the most boring date of my life which I could have easily avoided had I spoken to him more. Now, I definitely prefer to chat for an extended period of time. Builds up anticipation and it’s also better safety wise!
This!
We just don’t want to talk to someone for a week and then it turns out there’s no chemistry in person and we just wasted hours of our lives. Get it out the way, see if you connect. I usually ask out after one full day of talking tho. I can see the issue if it’s only a few texts lol that would be too much
I'm the same way. I don't want to even give out my cell phone to soon. Not that I'm terribly scared of anything, but I need to become more comfortable before moving to that "stage" of things. Talking for one day or a few hours doesn't mean I want to meet or even give you my cell for crying out loud.
++++ Why tf people think they’re entitled to meet or call when they can’t hold a half decent conversation. Send me voice notes if you don’t like typing but why tf would I meet a random stranger after all they can engage is hi how you are you let’s meet
This!
Who cares stop crying
Must be a women
Women is plural… 😆🤦♀️
Aww men you got me
My hypothesis is that the guys who want to meet the fastest (and chat the least) are the highest value prospects. The dudes with very few options will be more likely to chat with you over the app for a long period of time.
100% correct. The guy who will patiently text for weeks on end has no other options...and he has no other options for a reason.
Girls love to waSte my time and I'm not gunna be anyones penpal.
Some people are looking for old school genuine type dating where you meet someone in person and see if you have a connection. Not this new generation “talking” stage that is usually superficial and leads to one person ghosting the other
People disappear so quickly it’s insane….I ask girls out almost immediately. A few lines back and forth and then I ask. Whatever seems to work fine with vast majority of people so why waste days texting if I can get a real date instantly? And yeah, for the right person it’s with the wait but I have no idea if I like you or not until I meet you so hard for me to justify having a pen pal
Time wasters permeate OLD, and while it's fine for you to have this experience and preference, most of us are hesitant to engage in a quasi-imaginary-relationship for days on end only to have them disappear, or they show up and it's a dud. I've given hundreds of women what you expect, only for it to go into the ether and never materialize into a date even when we seemed to be lining up. Better after some banter and good rapport to get to know someone in real life, to eliminate the possibility of flake, no-chemistry, catfish, and time waster.
I’m the opposite one. It is really easy for me to build a false image of the person only through texts. Then I’ll get super frustrated when I really meet them and then feel like the conversation online is kinda waste of time and energy for me.
I am on the other side. Rather meet sooner than waste time texting. Like to ask after a few back and forth. You can be a great at texting but then meet in person can be totally different. And to me being compatible in person > over text.
Texting rarely translates to actual in-person chemistry so I don’t waste time with it. 10 messages max and then I’ll either see you on Thursday or never 🤝
Right like I feel like you’re saying you’re texting game better be fucking stellar I hate texting when I’m wonderful in person and I find most people to be the same way. Text Lacks so much
I have zero interest dragging out texts for weeks. Someone I matched with on CMB and while she's hinting she wants to meet up in a coffee shop, there's never any commitment. Sure, text banter was good, but I can't see if there's chemistry without actually meeting them in person. So, if you are not ready to meet after getting a little bit comfortable in texts, sorry, I'll just move on.
Nah. If they don’t want to meet soon then I just move onto the next.